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Burnaby North-Seymour federal election debate
ARTS
Sharing stories at Vancouver Writers Fest
FEATURE
How campus has changed over the years
SPORTS
Hit the pitch with SFU rugby
News
Gurpreet Kambo News Editor
Gurpreet Kambo / News Editor Jess Dela Cruz and Paige Riding / News Writers
October 15, 2019 news@the-peak.ca
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Paige Riding News Writer
News
Gurpreet Kambo / News Editor Jess Dela Cruz and Paige Riding / News Writers
news@the-peak.ca
Opinions Lubaba Mahmud Staff Writer
Nicole Magas / Opinions Editor
October 15, 2019 opinions@the-peak.ca
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Opinions
Nicole Magas / Opinions Editor
opinions@the-peak.ca
Arts
Andrea Renney / Arts Editor
October 15, 2019 arts@the-peak.ca
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Arts
Andrea Renney / Arts Editor
arts@the-peak.ca
Sports
Dylan Webb / Sports Editor
October 15, 2019 sports@the-peak.ca
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Sports
Dylan Webb / Sports Editor
sports@the-peak.ca
After 54 years, the SFU Rugby Club is still going strong
Humour
Zach Siddiqui / Humour Editor
October 15, 2019 humour@the-peak.ca
YOUR WEEKLY SFU HOROSCOPES
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Written by Zach Siddiqui Illustrated by Marissa Ouyang
LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22
ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19 Victory will be yours this week. No matter the cost. You might end up in some conflicts because of that. But if your friends can’t handle how trash they are at Catan, the fault isn’t yours. It’s SFU Board Game Club’s.
Elevators are a danger this week. Take one and you may find yourself trapped in a small metal box with an elderly person who demands to know what language you speak. And your Broca’s area will start to melt once they inevitably begin to argue with you about your answer.
TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20 Damn, babe . . . you look good this week. If this were 1873, farmers on the Fraser River would lobby the provincial government to carve out an expensive and very inefficient trail connecting Lillooet and North Vancouver, all just for you.
GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20 You might be uncertain about how many different personalities to compartmentalize yourself into this week. This is another week where you’ll want to keep it to an even TWO. Be the you who you describe in your resume and the you who lied about your leadership skills on your resume.
CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22
SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21
You might spend this week . . . vibing? With other living organisms? It’s quite shocking. You already get along OK with slime moulds and mushrooms (only in your pasta though); now you might smile at a patch of moss on a rock. With any luck, you might go so far as to expel from your mouth a friendly syllable for a puppy therapy dog.
SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21 Accept his apology? Never. His excuses are so half-baked that you could find them on a dinner menu in a hotel in Calgary, ridden with malignant E. coli. And as soon as you find yourself relating to the Albertans, you’ve already lost.
Looking for another emotional experience you and your partner can explore together? Make an appointment with a discourse analyst. When she mentions to your lover that you are a “highly effective storyteller,” don’t panic. Ton cher is unlikely to get suspicious about your salacious past at Nesters Market, not this far into the relationship.
CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19 Go to office hours this week.You need to clear up a few things from the course readings with the prof. It won’t do if he keeps getting the facts wrong in his lectures.
AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18
LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22 Don’t commit to any party invites this week. A Halloween party thrown on the third weekend of October is not a Halloween party. It’s just socially accepted LARPing. And you can do better for escapism — after all, you’ve done so for years.
Drop your current flirtationship. It’s getting too high maintenance. A relationship with this bae would be like dating the Coquihalla Highway: rocky, uncomfortably long, and demanding of your full attention. And there are too many other things you care about more, like other, cuter Bumble matches — or voting.
VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22 Lying comes a little too comfortably these days. Take a step back. Remind yourself that just because you can manipulate people into thinking Galiano Island is a United Nations fabrication, it doesn’t mean you should.
PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20
Skip 23andme.com this week. The truth will deep-fry you. You don’t need to know that you’re distantly descended from one of the spoiled slabs of tuna sold in myriad Canadian markets during the 1985 Tunagate scandal.
New U.N. study reveals that only sustainable source of protein is eating the rich “They got us into this mess and they’re going to get us out, damn it.” In view of soy fields eroding soil worldwide, eggs violating poultry rights, and tofu being too moist for comfort, the World Health Organization (WHO) has determined that the only truly sustainable source of protein is eating the rich. Their recent report has been endorsed by the world’s leading nutrition and labour studies experts, including acclaimed Hungryan sociologist Dr. Pooria Ündurfedd. The Peak spoke to Dr. Ündurfedd via Skype to learn more.
has gotten us here, maybe they’d be the solution. “Like poetic justice, but culinary.” The United Nations admitted in their final report that they were concerned about the socioeconomic consequences of their findings, and waves have definitely been felt worldwide.
Multi-billionaire Zark Mukerberg attempted to hide out in the underground bunker he had prepared for the upcoming nuclear apocalypse, the “We wouldn’t be in this mess if construction of which was everyone could just keep eating red facilitated by his awardmeat without worrying about cow winning social media platform. flatulence, or if millennials weren’t However, as the CBC (Comrade forced into veganism to desperately Broadcasting Company) recently attempt warding off a Mad Max: reported, his team of manservants turned on him and devoured his Fury Road apocalypse scenario,” Ündurfedd said. “But here we flesh after lightly seasoning it with are, in a climate crisis, scrambling olive oil and smoked paprika. for meat alternatives. My team figured that if corporate greed and More locally, Gill Bates was environmentally negligent industry recently found in Vancouver,
attempting to feign poverty by living in a basement suite and shopping at Walmart. He was identified after asking a customer service associate in which aisle the caviar was kept. Bates was not destined for the delicacy he craved; instead, an angry mob of overwhelmed parents, extreme couponing enthusiasts, and university students turned Bates himself into a delicacy. As a result, governments across the globe are crashing as lobbyists are no longer funding their operations. Only one government remains: the Simon Fraser Student Society (SFSS), which reports a dramatic decrease in the use of its emergency food bank. “For the first time, I feel full,” said fifth-year English student Annie Belle Lecter, who had been subsiding on a diet of instant oatmeal and soda crackers since moving out of
Written by Gabrielle McLaren
residences in second year. “I’d worry about the price my immortal soul would eventually pay for cannibalism, but since it’s endorsed by the U.N., I think I’ll worry about midterms instead. It’s so much easier to study on a full stomach.” Another student, Virginia Jameston of the Beedie School of the Culinary Arts, similarly welcomed the report. “At first I was a little bit unclear about the legality, but since my student union has turned into a hunting party, it would have been irresponsible of me not to join in. I was the treasurer up until the dollar was abolished.” Health Canada, now staffed entirely by former minimum wage fast food workers, has announced plans to re-review its food guide to ensure that Canadians incorporate adequate quantities of Beff Jezos in their diets.
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Humour
Zach Siddiqui / Humour Editor
humour@the-peak.ca
Humour
October 15, 2019
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16 Diversions
Yuri Zhou / Business Manager
business@the-peak.ca