News
Amneet Mann News Editor
Henry Tran Assistant News Editor
Amneet Mann / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor
February 19, 2018 news@the-peak.ca
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News
— YOUR CAREER STARTS NOW. ACCELERATED CREDENTIALS FOR A COMPLEX WORLD.
Amneet Mann / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor
news@the-peak.ca
— ENROL NOW FULL-TIME STUDIES
BCIT offers several pathways for those who hold a university degree or have other post-secondary experience. Take your current education and leverage it into a 9-month career-focused diploma. Learn more at bcit.ca/acceleratedcredentials
—— BRITISH COLUMBIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY
info 1 Ad Name: Advanced Placement Spring 1718
—— BCIT Marketing Communications grads work at HootSuite.
Opinions
Kaylene Amundson SFU Student
Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor
February 19, 2018 opinions@the-peak.ca
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Opinions
Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor
opinions@the-peak.ca
Alexander Kenny Peak Associate
Women’s Centre We provide services to students of all genders, including : - Crisis referrals & peer support - A free feminist library (no fines!) - Free menstrual & safer sex supplies - Food support
- Two garden plots - Variety of programming all year round - 24/7 safer space for self-identified women
Come and visit us, we are located in the Rotunda between the Gym and the Maggie Benston Centre!
The SFSS Women's Centre has been providing services to students since 1974!
Learn more about us at sfss.ca/wctr and follow us on Facebook @sfsswomenscentre & Twitter @sfsswomensctr
10 Arts
Alex Bloom / Arts Editor
arts@the-peak.ca
Arts
March 5, 2018
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12 Sports
Andrew Ringer / Sports Editor
sports@the-peak.ca
Lauren Mason Peak Associate
Develop skills and techniques to confidently communicate your stories in print and online with Langara’s one-year Publishing Diploma. Gain hands-on experience and build a professional portfolio that includes LangaraPRM.com and a new issue of Pacific Rim Magazine. Learn more. www.langara.ca/publishing
EARLY REGISTR ATION DEADLINE May 1 – Apply now to start in September
Sports
Andrew Ringer Sports Editor
Andrew Ringer Sports Editor
March 5, 2018
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14 Humour
Janis McMath / Humour Editor
humour@the-peak.ca
Layout by Gabriel Yeung
short poem 1 Roses are red, Let’s meet up and dine.
– AB
short poem 2 Hey there, I am looking for, Girl that was just in my store. This request I do propound: Maybe you’d come back around? The prompt for all this love-speech is, I cherish how – AB
short poem 3 The time spent with you was so little, I’d visit, but for my committal. It’s you that I miss, Come give daddy a kiss,
– AB
Humour
March 5, 2018
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Become a predictable formulaic hero for Layout by Gabriel Yeung Written by Zoe Vedova
Illustrated by Emma Wu
HAVE YOU RECENTLY ACCIDENTALLY ACQUIRED SUPERPOWERS BUT DON’T THINK YOU’RE INTERESTING ENOUGH TO CARRY AN ENTIRE FRANCHISE? NOT A PROBLEM! Here at HERO-FOR-LESS, you can custom-build your own easy to advertise superhero identity for yourself! Our basic package includes (but is not limited to):
1. Tragic backstory Black-and-white flashbacks occurring at the climax of battle when an antagonist triggers a repressed childhood memory are universally adored. However, flashbacks are only effective if they draw sympathy from the audience — sympathy directly correlated to the flashback’s calibre of tragedy. Fortunately, this is what childhoods were engineered for! To build your new persona, you need a new ORIGIN STORY. Childhood is a magical place for superheroes to develop crucial insecurities, phobias, and a skewed moral compass that’ll bequeath them with the honour of being a loveable Anti-hero.* Kids have been desensitized to a protagonist with a single dead parent since Snow White first hit the silver screen in 1937. In a market completely oversaturated with missing moms stunting generations of heroes’ emotional growth, you need to pick a childhood that’s harder, sadder, and more psychologically destructive then all the rest. *Only available for men Choose three to four time-tested catalysts for herodom! (Dead parents included in every purchase!) • • • • • • • •
Beaten up in middle school for wearing light-up Sketchers. Both of your parents loved your family dog more than they loved you. Kids tried to bury you alive in your elementary school’s sandbox. Never learned how to work a microwave. Your best friend became a great Superhero at age 10 and then you became one afterwards and no one really cared. Genuinely lactose intolerant. Entire township tried to burn you at the stake for being ‘quirky.’ Abandoned in a strip mall as a toddler, raised by the employees of a Return-It depot
2. Villains A hero is only as good as their villain. The days of hunchbacked mad scientists and their bumbling, grotesquely underpaid intern of a sidekick are OVER. Villainhood has transformed heroes’ ideological adversaries from kidnappers of orphaned kittens to well-dressed, multi-faceted characters (blamed largely on third-wave feminism). Though there’s no real way to know what cocky fucker your life-long enemy is going to be until they arrive, a little positive manifestation never hurts. Scan the very short list and look for a villain archetype that’ll be compatible with your own character development! 1. Intelligent Masculinity is no longer confined to fistfighting since there are less abandoned warehouses available to fistfight every single bad guy working for your enemy than ever before. Good vs. evil has become a battle of wits. Calculate your moves against one another from the comfort of your own home while getting other less important people to take the collateral damage. The times you’re thrown through a skyscraper window and straight across a regular office will decrease by 100%!
Prerequisite: Have to know how to play chess. 2. Possible sexual partner Enemies to lovers has never been a hotter trend. Even though their morals are atrocious, when you’re grappling for the remote that’ll turn off the bomb — faces pressed close enough you could almost kiss — you can’t help but wonder that if your ideologies didn’t separate you, what would happen? This trope is a perfect choice for the busy hero who doesn’t have time in their schedule to envision creative and inspiring hero-villain character arcs. No work is necessary because an army of overly attentive, weirdly protective fans will help create your story through fanfiction! Simply peruse pages of their unpaid writing to find narratives you like and re-enact them with your villain. Prerequisite: Most likely you have to be gay.
Donate to our charity TODAY and help a needy CEO launder money! Written by Simrin Purhar Layout by Gabriel Yeung Illustrated by Cora Fu
At our charity, Needy Kids of Canada, you can select a specific area of support or tangible good to gift an underprivileged child. With our donation model, you know exactly where your money is going!
Grape vine: $26 Give the gift of nourishment! All grape vines donated will be planted directly in our CEO’s vineyard. Once the grapes have been harvested and fermented, we will send one bottle of wine to a needy child. With purchase of this gift, you will also receive a postcard from our CEO’s vineyard.
Golf bag: $55 Give the gift of sport! Our corporate team will use all golf bags donated during tournaments. We pledge to donate 4% of all monetary prizes won by our team to a needy child, so that they can use it to join a community sports team.
Vibrating chair: $310 Give the gift of comfort! All vibrating chairs donated will be sent directly to our corporate headquarters. Studies show that a comfortable chair can result in increased productivity. Therefore, this donation will result in our employees maximizing their potential at their charity work — rather than spending time at a doctor’s office with an achy back.
Fishing rod: $119 Give the gift of food! Our executive team will use all fishing rods donated during chartered fishing trips. One out of every 20 fish caught will be donated to a needy, malnourished child.
Housing: $550 Give the gift of housing! All housing donations will be used by an executive at our organization towards a down payment on a house closer to our corporate headquarters. This way, executives can spend less time commuting and more time finding solutions to help needy kids.
School tuition: $1,020 Give the gift of education! Our executives will use all school tuition donations to send their own children to the top-ranked boarding schools in the country. This way, their children will have the necessary education to take over Needy Kids of Canada and keep it functioning in hopes of supporting the next generation of underprivileged kids.
16 Diversions
Yuri Zhou / Business Manager
business@the-peak.ca
NOTICE
The FCAT Undergraduate Conference (UGC) is a celebration and exploration of the diverse range of student work produced within our faculty. Students from each of our schools and programs have the opportunity to showcase performances, papers, installations, and displays related to the theme of sustainability. It is an opportunity for students, faculty, staff and industry members to come together, share knowledge and build meaningful connections. Date: March 9th 2018 Time: 3:00p-7:00p Location: Harbour Centre Rooms: 1400-1430. website: http://www.sfu.ca/fcat/ugc.html