Over the Edge Magazine Issue 25 | August 2026

OVERthe

EDGE OVER

Owner & Editor: Deaks 07803 422808 graham@overtheedgemag.co.uk

Editorial Consultant: Phil Claydon phil.overtheedge@gmail.com

shannon@overtheedgemag.co.uk

“The Edgy Editorial”

Welcome to the August edition of Over the Edge, coming to you at the height of what is proving to be a long hot summer! Firstly, you may be wondering why this month’s magazine is called “The Rachel Bear Edition”. Well, I’m Rachel. I’m 16 and an aspiring journalist on work experience. Graham has kindly allowed me a lot of input into this month’s magazine, and I’ve had a brilliant time. This magazine is a big milestone for me. It has my first-ever column, first interview, and, in fact, it will be my first time seeing myself in print!

Coming up in this month’s edition, we celebrate creativity in our Big Interview with spoken word artist Rebecca Carter, showcase sports success with our Over the Line features, and of course all of our favourite columnists are back, dishing on everything from film and TV, to food, to A.I. Our writers, along with our amazing advertisers and lovely readers, are what make the magazine, so many thanks to you all for your ongoing support.

Following our Big Interview in the last issue, we would like to remind you that the Pride of Essex awards nominations close at the end of August, so if you know of a deserving person or organisation, make sure to get your nominations in, at https://poeawards. org/index.php

In other news, one of our long-time advertisers, Chandlers, has also received some notable recognition after being named in Builders’ Merchants News and Builders Merchants Federation’s “Top 100 Presents - 50 Companies over 50”. This is to commend their lasting contribution and commitment to customer service, expertise and supporting Essex tradespeople. So, congratulations to Chandlers!

There are a lot of questions on everyone’s lips at the moment, as we wonder what on earth is going on in the House of Commons and attempt to survive this never-ending heatwave. So, in a time of tension, anticipation and classic British chaos, we hope to bring you something enjoyable to read for August, just to take the edge off.

Finally, in celebration of the summertime, I’ll leave you with some wise words from Mungo Jerry:

“When the weather’s fine, we go fishing or go swimming in the sea

We’re always happy, life’s for living

Yeah, that’s our philosophy”

Wishing you all a happy and healthy summer

Rachel

The Literary Corner

by Kat de Naoum

The time has come, folks, when you're all finally as sweaty and uncomfortable as I am all year round (thanks, perimenopause), so welcome to the hot and sticky club. It's very eww here. I wish I'd saved last month's sizzling Oldie, Lady Chatterley's Lover, for this month's heatwave, but perhaps sneaking in "Hotter Than July" would've been even more apt. Alas. Missed opportunity. While this month's book recs may not be quite as steamy, they're both absolute corkers in their own way. What they have in common is that they're both written by award-winning authors, they're both genuine page-turners, and they're both stories within stories. Ian McEwan's What We Can Know gives us one narrative unfolding inside another, while Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin goes one step further, weaving a story within a story within a story. It sounds confusing on paper, but in practice it's an absolute joy. Not only do you get two (or, in Atwood's case, three) narratives for the price of one, but each layer adds something new to the bigger picture. You never quite know what's real, what's invented, or what's remembered... and that's the fun of it! I can't recommend these books highly enough, and they're perfect additions to any summer reading list. Neither of them demands hard work or intense concentration either. They're the sort of books you settle down with in the evening, promising yourself "just one more chapter", and before you know it the sun is coming up and you may as well finish now you've come this far. The pages practically turn themselves. Well... not literally unless you're reading on a Kindle. Anyway, even typing is too exerting in this heat, so I'm off to read next month's batch and report back with the very best of them. Enjoy the rest of your summer, stay hydrated, and, most importantly, read lots.

Book of the Month — July 2026

What We Can Know (2025)

Ian McEwan

I have this thing, in case you haven't noticed, where, when I love an author, I become slightly obsessed with them. Think Beliebers (do they still exist?), only I’m fangirling over an elderly literary type. The very talented Sir Ian McEwan is the latest object

of my affections. While I read his most famous novel, Atonement, years ago, it was only recently that I decided to work my way through his entire bibliography, and that's how I stumbled upon this gem. I first listened to What We Can Know on audiobook, but I loved it so much that I immediately bought the hardback and read that too. This isn't one of those "Kat's off on her literary high horse again" recommendations. I am (almost) certain everyone will love it. It's easy to read, beautifully written, and there's so much to admire.

Without giving too much away, it's set sometime in the future, but not the sort of future filled with flying cars and people communicating telepathically. Climate change happened, much of the world is underwater, and people have simply adapted to a new normal. They're still teachers, lovers, parents and friends, just living very different lives. One of its most delicious ideas is that we, living today, are considered the glamorous past. People look back at our era with the same fascination that we have for the early 1900s (if you discount the wars… but then again… no, Kat, this isn't that type of column. Let's move on). People say things like, "Imagine being able to walk from one end of a country to the other without needing a boat!" Even the literature of our time is viewed with the same admiration we give to the classics. It really makes you stop and appreciate the ordinary things we take for granted.

The basic plot is a literature professor trying to trace the origins of a poem and its author, and discovering far more than he bargained for. I won’t say any more than that because the surprises along the way are *chef's kiss*.

Oldie but Goodie

The Blind Assassin (2000) Margaret Atwood

I am nothing if not faithful to the objects of my literary affections, as you can probably tell from this, Margaret Atwood's repeat appearance in The Literary Corner. I first featured her with The Penelopiad, one of her lesser-known gems, because I feel it

definitely deserved more readers. This time, I'm recommending another Atwood, but probably one you've already heard of. No, it’s not The Handmaid’s Tale (also great), but it is every bit as brilliant. It is, in my humble opinion, one of her very best.

The Blind Assassin, which won the 2000 Booker Prize, is set largely in early twentieth-century Canada and is told in the form of a story within a story within another story. What I mean by this is that first you're reading about Iris and her sister, Laura. Their childhood and upbringing. Middle-class ups and downs, loves, losses and whatnots. Then, all of a sudden, it cuts to ‘The Blind Assassin’, which is the first novel within the novel. Except... in ‘The Blind Assassin’ (the novel within Atwood's novel), it's this guy talking to this girl, telling her the story of the blind assassin, who... You know what? I’ve even lost myself here. It’s not one of those stories you can explain. You’ll just have to read it.

Although it sounds impossibly confusing when you try to explain it, it never feels that way when you're reading it. Somehow Atwood makes it all seem completely effortless, and before long you're moving between the different narratives, all the while dying to know what happens next, or what really happened earlier.

Discombobulated? Me too. Just read it and thank me later.

About Kat

Kat de Naoum (BA (Hons) Eng Lit & Phil, MA Creative Writing) is a writer/author, editor, mother, and avid reader. Since starting out as a staff writer at a local London paper in 1999, Kat has written for many print and online publications. When not writing or parenting, her head’s in a book (or plugged into an audiobook).

katdenaoum.com

Bond Street Tea Room

Breakfast - Lunch - Cake

Start your day with a hearty breakfast, enjoy a freshly made lunch, or treat yourself to a traditional afternoon tea. All prepared with fresh quality ingredients.

Relax upstairs in our cosy tea room for lunch or afternoon tea, right in the heart of the town.

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If there’s one thing this World Cup has reminded me, it’s just how brilliantly England comes together when there’s football on.

It didn’t matter whether you were a lifelong supporter or someone who still can’t tell if it was a corner from a throw-in. By July, we were all armchair pundits, analysing the substitutions like we’d spent the last twenty years at St George’s Park.

Those 10pm kick-offs somehow became the highlight of the week whilst the children negotiated “just one more hydration break” before bed (what a time to be alive!).

The country was surviving on takeaway pizzas, barbecue leftovers and far too much caffeine the following morning as Wednesday night football soon became Thursday morning’s regret.

The nation’s initial conversation all started exactly the same way…” Did you stay up and watch it?” Of course we did. Because that’s what we do.

And then there was Mexico. I think we’ll all remember that game. The one where the whole country genuinely started to believe football really was, for the first time in 60 years, coming home. For ninety glorious minutes, England felt unstoppable. More importantly, it gave us another excuse to do what we Brits do best…we light the BBQ.

Let’s be honest, we don’t need much convincing. Football? BBQ. Sunny Tuesday? Aperol Spritz. England playing at 10pm? Better start the barbecue at five… Before you know it, the garden’s full, the music’s playing, the inflatable screen is back up, the children have kicked off their impromptu football tournament, and we’re all giving unsolicited VAR explanations. Every guest insists on bringing “just a little something.” One turns up with a mega pack of burgers, another has enough crisps to survive a week-long power cut. The mum of the group arrives carrying three tubs of homemade potato salad that nobody asked for, but everyone demolishes, and by the end of the night you’ve acquired four bottles of ketchup, seven unopened packs of hot dog rolls, half an Eton mess and enough beers to host another party the following weekend (well, if you insist!).

I think one of my favourite things about the World Cup is that the football feels almost secondary. It’s the excuse. The real magic

is everyone squeezing around the garden table, kids running barefoot across the garden, grandparents joining in the penalties, neighbours popping in for “just for one drink” and memories being made without anyone planning them.

For a few glorious weeks, the whole country feels connected. Of course, because we’re England supporters, we should have known not to get too comfortable.

It’s the hope that gets you. Every. Single. Time.

Still, if there’s one thing we’re good at as a nation, it’s dusting ourselves off and finding another excuse to celebrate. Which brings me nicely onto the Chelmsford Summer Series. If you thought the football atmosphere was good, just wait until the music starts. The Sugababes will have the crowd swooning over every word, Annie Mac will be bringing her legendary Before Midnight party to Central Park, Melanie C is guaranteed to deliver the ultimate feel-good set, while Jodie Harsh, Arthi and the Love Sensation collective will keep the festival energy going from the first beat to the last.

Chelmsford’s biggest summer party is here with huge headline acts, incredible DJs, festival vibes, fantastic street food and thousands of people all there for exactly the same reason: to make another unforgettable summer memory this year.

If this summer has taught us anything, it’s that the best memories are made when good people, good music and good weather somehow manage to all meet each other at the same time.

And because Over the Edge loves treating our readers… We’ve got a pair of tickets to give away for the Friday night! One lucky winner will be joining us for what promises to be one of the biggest nights of the Essex summer.

Who knows?

It may not have come home this time…but summer certainly has. See you in Chelmsford.

Jasmin Albon

Over the Edge

CITY CENTRE UPDATES FROM YOUR BUSINESS IMPROVEMENT DISTRICT, CHELMSFORD FOR YOU

I'm not quite sure how we've ended up in August already, but here we are! The school holidays are flying by, and if you're anything like me,

you're probably constantly trying to think of new ways to keep the children entertained without spending a fortune.

The good news is that you don't have to travel far...Chelmsford has so much going on over the summer, whether you're popping into the city for a few hours or making a whole day of it. From grabbing an ice cream and browsing the shops, to meeting friends for lunch or letting the children burn off some energy at the likes of Ninja Warrior, Kingpins or Spirits, there's plenty to enjoy right here in the city centre.

Lots of our brilliant cafés, restaurants and businesses are also running family-friendly offers throughout the holidays, including everyone’s favourite - ‘Kids Eat Free’, so it's worth keeping an eye out on our socials. Supporting local businesses while making the most of the summer holidays feels like a win-win to me!

We'd love to know what you've been up to this summer...Have you visited the city? Found a hidden gem? Tried somewhere new? Or do you have a favourite place that you always come back to?

If you share your Chelmsford summer adventures on social media, make sure you tag @ChelmsfordForYou and use #CFYSummerHols. We'll be sharing some of our favourites throughout August, and everyone who gets involved will be entered into a prize draw to win a £100 voucher to spend at a Chelmsford business of your choice.

So whether it's a family day out, a catch-up with friends, a coffee stop, an evening meal or simply enjoying everything our city has to offer, we'd love to see it.

Hopefully we'll see you in the city soon... and don't forget to tag us!

Get in touch with me either on: Instagram @_saratupper_ or email sara@chelmsfordforyou.co.uk

Draw up your retirement game plan

Retirement isn’t what it used to be. We’re working longer, living longer and have so many different ways to use our pension pot. All the more reason to get the experts involved.

These days there’s so much flexibility around retirement. You can choose to stay invested in your pension, decide your own level of income, or even withdraw the entire pot. Buying an annuity is now another choice, rather than being non-negotiable.

Meanwhile, as always, greater freedom brings greater responsibility. You’ve got to make sure those retirement savings last. It’s a thorny business full of tough decisions, made even trickier by the number of options available.

younger generations, and it’s clear a rethink is needed on how best to use your savings. To adapt to changing needs, you might need to consider other assets and income sources alongside your pension.

So what you have is a situation that’s both flexible and heavy on risk, whether you choose to dip into your pension pot or remain invested. Either way, you’ll need help and expertise to face the challenges.

In retirement you’re also likely to encounter a new set of risks. For example, if you get off to a poor start when you begin drawing your income, with markets falling and returns negative, your investments will have to work much harder from the outset to maintain your desired income.

Let’s look at retirement age to begin with. The cliff-edge idea of stopping work at 60 or 65 and ‘being retired’ is history. Today a phased approach is much more likely, transitioning gradually from working and saving towards leisure and spending. Most of us can do this on our terms, according to our own life plans, rather than being restricted by a pension scheme or an employer.

Visualise your retirement

Ask yourself what your retirement looks like. Then how can you make it a reality? If you’re retired already, is it as you imagined? Being ‘in retirement’ is much more than simply drawing an income. It’s also about running an efficient home, managing your tax-free cash and building a sustainable income that will last your lifetime.

Although there’s no set retirement age these days, you can start drawing your workplace and private pensions from the age of 55 (increasing to 57 from 6 April 2028). Add to this the pressures of supporting both older and

Another layer of complexity in your retirement strategy is underestimating how long your money needs to last. The 100-year life is fast becoming normal, with more of us living much longer, more active lives than ever before. We’re here to help you navigate these obstacles. We believe the value of advice comes from building a strong relationship over time and understanding the needs of both you and your family. We’re experts in the intricacies of modern retirement. So you can worry less and focus on the important things in life.

The value of an investment with St. James’s Place will be directly linked to the performance of the funds you select, and the value can therefore go down as well as up. You may get back less than you invested.

The levels and basis of taxation and reliefs from taxation can change at any time and are dependent on individual circumstances.

If you’d like us to guide you through the retirement minefield, give us a call. We’re here to make a difference to your future.

Stephen Pitcher MSc(Finance) BA(Hons) DipPFS Senior Partner

Andy Harragan & Sons Ltd

Rachel Bear Hello folks

This month’s Deaks column was written by the very talented Rachel Bear, a 16-year-old aspiring journalist. Rachel has certainly impressed us and has gained some valuable work experience assisting us with the production of the August issue.

Rachel says, “I like to be creative, and I’m interested in literature, music and film, alongside my A-Level studies. I’m very passionate about expressing myself through writing, and I love to write in my own personal voice and style. Hopefully, this will be a successful first step towards a journalism career!

Talkin’ ‘bout my Generation –

By Rachel Bear

How many TV channels did you have growing up? My parents only had 3, as they constantly remind me whenever I dare suggest that there’s ‘nothing on’. My dad was born in ‘65, and my mum in ‘69. I was raised on ‘real music’, copying my Dad’s Mod style and a house full of 60s and 70s West Ham memorabilia. If I’d been a boy, I would have been Bobby, Billy or (god forbid) Trevor for sure. Instead of shopping in Zara, I hunt in charity or vintage shops for Sergio Tacchini jackets. While my friends were paying hundreds to see Harry Styles and Taylor Swift, I was off to Blur (£40 tickets from Facebook Sales!), The Who, Squeeze and Echo and the Bunnymen.

Yet in some ways, I’m undoubtedly a member of ‘my generation’. I still think that going for a cheeky Nandos is the definition of a treat, watch far too much reality TV, and I’m likely to be found ordering a posh overpriced coffee on the daily. But there’s a part of me that still finds going to vintage football sales with my Dad to try and complete his 1970s West Ham programmes collection the height of fun. My friends describe me as a middle-aged man stuck in a teenage girl’s body. I think that’s fairly accurate. We’ve changed a lot since the days of “Saturday’s kids live in council houses, with V neck shirts and baggy trousers”. Now it’s more like ‘Chelmsford kids loiter near Maccies, with Stone Island coats and Nike Tech trackies’. Or at least that’s the stereotype.

Sometimes I feel stuck between my generation and the older generation, like I’m caught in the middle and I don’t know which one I fit into. Honestly, I find myself feeling stuck often. When deciding what to write for this column, I was stuck. I knew I had to write from the perspective of a young person, studying and living in Chelmsford, something different from the usual (not calling any of you old, but Over the Edge is mainly for the more mature among us). So, throughout this column, I will try my best to appeal to both our older and younger readers.

I don’t think I’m alone in this in-between feeling. We live in the days of mass consumerism, SHEIN clothes and everyone fearing an A.I. takeover or robot apocalypse. Yet we increasingly see more and more people urging for a bit of old-fashioned humanity to be put back into things. We all scroll on Vinted trying to fulfil our vintage dreams. Music and film can be found online, yet more of us than ever are starting CD and DVD collections. Parents love to drop a “Back in my day…” into every other conversation. People want to go back to the past, and nothing is the ‘same’ as it used to be. But maybe that’s also a good thing. I’m reminded of a few lines from the poem ‘Material’ by Ros Barber: “Nostalgia only makes me old/The innocence I want my brood /to cling onto like ten-bob notes/ was killed in TV’s lassitude.”

landline telephones and physical media. But the return of outdated attitudes and values and an obsession with clinging on to traditions, that let’s face it, don’t matter anymore? It’s a no from me.

I think we have to embrace the fact that society is changing, technology is changing and not be afraid of the future in the same way that we aren’t afraid of revisiting the past. Perhaps nostalgia, in the long run, only makes you more discontent with your life as it is now.

I do think there is a lot of pressure on young people. Sometimes, it does feel as though we can’t win. We are ripped into for being addicted to our phones, yet everything these days, including school and job applications, is online. People like to tell you that your school years are the best of your life. Well, if that’s the case, I’m going to be in for a nasty shock when I’m an adult. Let’s go through my to-do list for this year:

1. Find a part-time job

2. Get good grades

3. Apply for University

4. Read a million books

5. Revise

6. Exams

7. Somehow find time for a social life among all of this.

As a student, I structure my life around coursework deadlines, meetings, clubs and exam dates. Everything you work for comes down to 8 or so assessments at the end of the year.

And I’m not trying to act like I have the hardest life in the world, and I’m not going to pretend like every kid at school doesn’t have a similar experience. But it’s just a lot of pressure.

People try to put us down, but in terms of ‘my generation’, we appear to have got around to delivering some change, and a more modern perspective. I wouldn’t change the progress in democracy, human rights or equality laws for anything. We should be thankful that women, ethnic minorities, LGBTQ+ people and the disabled have the right to vote, the right to work, and the right to live life. I wouldn’t mind the return of charity shops, vinyl collections,

Maybe we all feel caught between the past and the present, in one way or another. If you feel the same, then just know I’m happy to be stuck in the middle with you. The Who said that they hoped they died before they got old. I don’t think I’m quite at that point yet. Sometimes I feel that getting old would suit me down to the ground. Settling down in a knackered armchair in front of Tipping Point, with a few cats and a copy of Over the Edge, doesn’t sound too bad to me.

Rachel

Design Inspiration for the Population

Last month, I wrote about the moment furniture left the workshop and entered the age of mass production. It was a transformation that changed the industry forever, making furniture more

The reason is simple. Not every project presents a standard problem, and not every solution can be found in a catalogue. Some ideas require

At Workplace Designs (WDL), our workshop remains an important part

any products are manufactured at scale, but some still begin in the workshop.

An Idea Takes Shape | One such project was the University of West London Esports Centre, a space designed to support a new generation of digital learning.

The challenge was not simply to create a room filled with technology. It was to create an environment with identity, energy, and purpose. A place that felt different from a traditional classroom while remaining functional, durable, and practical.

Central to the concept was a steel gantry structure that would define the space, support equipment, and create a visual focal point. Before anything could be built, however, the idea first had to be developed and resolved. Every bespoke project begins this way, with a concept that gradually evolves into something that can be manufactured and delivered.

Testing the Vision | Once the design direction had been established, the next step was to visualise the space.

Renderings and digital models allow ideas to be explored long before construction begins. They help designers, clients, and contractors understand how individual elements will work together and provide an opportunity to refine decisions before materials are ordered or fabrication begins.

This stage is often where a project truly comes to life. What began as a sketch becomes something tangible, allowing everyone involved to see the potential of the finished environment.

From Concept to Reality | The completed E-Sports Centre reflects the entire design journey, from initial concept through fabrication and installation to the finished space.

The red steel structure became more than a functional element. It established character, framed the gaming environment, and helped create a memorable experience for students using the facility.

Projects like this demonstrate that design is rarely about a single product or material. It is about bringing together ideas, technology, furniture, graphics, lighting, and construction into a coherent whole.

The workshop may no longer sit at the centre of the furniture industry, but it still plays an important role. It remains a place where ideas become objects, and where design moves beyond selection and into creation..

What Matters Most | The Esports Centre is ultimately a story about process. What began as an idea evolved through sketching, visualisation, fabrication, and installation before becoming a finished environment. While technology often takes centre stage in projects like this, the real challenge is bringing many different disciplines together to create a single coherent experience.

Good design rarely appears all at once. It develops through a series of considered decisions, each building upon the last.

This project is one example of that journey, from concept to completion.

Thanks for reading :)

Design Dude

Inspiration for the Population Email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com for more ideas and projects, visit www.wdld.com

Just Easy Bathing Ltd

Inspired by Grace Dent’s recent social media posts about ‘why people hate you in restaurants’ and ‘how to make the chef angry’, I thought I’d dedicate this month’s article to shining some light on the sometimes ridiculous and often hilarious things that are very much the day-to-day norm of restaurant life. Think of the tiny little things that are simple little requests and tasks that feel almost unimportant, but when asked time and time again by different guests during a high-pressure, busy service, they become the ‘straws that break many camels’ backs’. To the untrained or perhaps not so ‘numb’ front of house worker, these things can ruin the shift in an instant. Of course, they shouldn’t – it’s our job, and it’s only food and drink…

Working front of house requires elite levels of skill when it comes to saying, ‘yes, of course, absolutely no problem at all’ whilst smiling and simultaneously trying not to selfcombust. Like when I was once asked to dispose of a warm and very full nappy, despite there being a nappy bin just next to where the child had been changed. Another good example is when guests ask for a pot of hot

water so they can use their own tea bag from home and therefore end up with a bill with the grand total of £0. We regularly use the ‘yes of course, no problem at all’ when guests arrive into an empty restaurant and sit at the only one recently vacated and therefore still dirty table. What’s worse than this is when guests choose to sit at an outside table that needs clearing without coming in to say hello. We hate that.

Writing this does make me smile because I’ve worked with people in the past who will refuse to go out to a new table until the guests have come in and said hello. It’s funny because it’s not a big deal, so I can see why it happens. Why would you not grab the nice shady table that has just come vacant as you’ve arrived for your Saturday morning Flat White! Another thing that really upsets some front of house is when you receive your food, you’re offered sauces, and you say ‘ooh yes ketchup please’, and off we go to get your ketchup. Upon returning, Uncle Dan says ‘ooh please could I have some mayo actually’. ‘Yes, no problem at all sir’. We go and get the mayo – ‘ooh I could do with some salt too please’… Infuriating!

Chefs too have their lists of pet peeves – mainly against the front of house team more so than the guests. A strong contender for the most upsetting thing you can ask from the chef is if they can serve you something ‘ASAP’ especially if it’s been forgotten. As a busy waiter, you sometimes forget to put an item of food through the till, - a hash brown as a side dish, for example. You suddenly remember you’ve missed the hash brown just as the main courses hit the table. We then run to the kitchen and ask the chef if they can do a hash brown ‘ASAP’. They usually reply with, ‘it will take as long as it takes to cook’. The final nail in the coffin is when another waiter comes into the kitchen three minutes later to ask if the hash brown for table 4 is far off. Apart from the fact that the chefs are probably in the middle of a manic lunch service and putting an extra hash brown isn’t their top top priority, the second ask is what causes an issue….. what follows is gritted smiles, a few expletives, and we continue.

Other things that annoy the chef – egg white only scrambled eggs, cutting burgers in half (they can’t understand why the guests can’t do this

themselves), when a table is booked at 2.00pm, and the guests don’t place their order until 2.55pm, guests arriving and sitting in the restaurant 10 minutes before we open. Actually, that one annoys us all.

We are all happy and pleased-to-seethe-guests type of people, we are –we wouldn’t have a public-facing job otherwise; it’s just pre 9am we haven’t quite polished our Saturday morning smiles yet. We’re still setting up for service, just having that first sip of our morning cappuccino, and we are probably discussing the happenings of the day before or what we are all having for lunch. I guess it’s like the curtain going up before the actors have had their make-up touched up. Show time starts when show time starts, not ten minutes before. Lock the front door, I hear you cry; we can’t, the rest of the team still have to come in.

Everything I’ve written about in this article is exactly what I love about restaurants. Every day is different, filled with different people, requests, personalities and situations. Nothing I’ve mentioned is an issue; nothing is do or die. It’s just funny that these tiny little things are often the talking points of a restaurant team after a busy weekend and perhaps show that the ‘yes absolutely, no problem at alls’ are probably the most important reason guests feel seen, accommodated and enjoy themselves when they eat out.

Laura

Fête Grays Yard

Essex

The Maldon Smokehouse

Maldon Maldon

The Maldon Smokehouse Maldon

This place has been on my radar for a while now and since there was a break in the heat wave we decided now was the time to go! It was a Sunday afternoon, after arriving in Maldon, we drove down a little road towards the river and reached this place. A quirky, rustic but welcoming little restaurant sat right on the waters edge awaited us. *PS, there is a brilliant antiques shop next door filled with vintage pinball machines and

This place has been on my radar for a while now and since there was a break in the heat wave we decided now was the time to go! It was a Sunday afternoon, after arriving in Maldon, we drove down a little road towards the river and reached this place. A quirky, rustic but welcoming little restaurant sat right on the waters edge awaited us. *PS, there is a brilliant antiques shop next door filled with vintage pinball machines and restored jukeboxes!

Luckily, we managed to get the last table next to the water and ordered quickly. There are a selection of bench tables outside, plus some lounge chairs and also seating inside. The menu is quite small but the main idea is to get their sharing board and try their in house smoked food. They do have a couple of dishes, a beef and veggie lasagna for those who don’t eat fish.

tables outside, plus some lounge chairs and also seating inside. The menu is quite small but the main idea is to get their sharing board and try their in house smoked food. They do have a couple of dishes, a beef and veggie lasagna for those who don’t eat fish. We had calamari and halloumi to start accompanied by the house Sauvignon. For mains, we had the Mixed Deli Board. This was huge, and at £55, we shared between 3 of us with a side of fries.

We had calamari and halloumi to start accompanied by the house Sauvignon. For mains, we had the Mixed Deli Board. This was huge, and at £55, we shared between 3 of us with a side of fries.

There was smoked duck, ham, smoked cheeses, an assortment of seafood, olives, pickles and a bag of all types of bread. The crevettes and salmon pate were particular highlights. The fries were also delicious. It was a wonderful, chilled afternoon by the river Blackwater with great food, wine and company and we thoroughly recommend. Book first to avoid disappointment!

There was smoked duck, ham, smoked cheeses, an assortment of seafood, olives, pickles and a bag of all types of bread. The crevettes and salmon pate were particular highlights. The fries were also delicious. It was a wonderful, chilled afternoon by the river Blackwater with great food, wine and company and we thoroughly recommend. Book first to avoid disappointment!

Two besties dishing up the details on Essex’s best restaurants cafes, pubs and pop-ups.

Best friends Hannah and Issy, both born and raised in Chelmsford decided to turn their love for food and eating out into an Instagram page dedicated to reviewing and recommending eateries across Essex, alongside helping local food businesses and events with their marketing and social media. Get in touch:

Best friends Hannah and Issy, both born and raised in Chelmsford decided to turn their love for food and eating out into an Instagram page dedicated to reviewing and recommending eateries across Essex, alongside helping local food businesses and events with their marketing and social media. Get in touch:

@essexfoodreview

Essex Food Review x

Essex Food Review

“The team help to keep me in contact with my daughter in New Zealand.”

Angela, care home resident

At Care UK’s Manor Lodge in Chelmsford, every resident is supported to live their life the way they choose. Our experienced team takes pride in offering quality residential, nursing, dementia and respite care.

Angela, a Care UK care home resident, shares how the team works hard to help keep her connected with loved ones near and far.

‘My daughter feels reassured’ Angela’s daughter moved to New Zealand more than 30 years ago. She has always kept in close contact with her over WhatsApp, but since moving into a Care UK care home, the team has supported both Angela and her family to stay connected. “My daughter feels reassured, and we’ve discussed it together several times that it’s best if I live here,” Angela explains.

While Angela manages phone calls on her own, the team are there to step in whenever she needs a helping hand. “The team help me to send parcels and letters to my family in New Zealand,” she says.

And on the other side of the world, Angela’s daughter stays engaged with what Angela is doing in the home through regular updates on the Relish app. Care UK care homes use Relish to record the activities residents are involved in. Relatives can also use the app to share

pictures and build their loved one’s life history, helping the team to get to know residents even better.

‘My friends enjoy their visits’

As well as supporting Angela to stay connected with far-flung family, the care home team helps to arrange trips out around the local community. “My niece takes me shopping or out for lunch sometimes, and to church on Sundays quite often.” Recently, team members helped Angela to take a whole day out to visit her sister who lives in another county.

Friends and family also visit Angela in the home. “I’ve had my nice to Sunday lunch, and she’s really enjoyed the food,” Angela

says. “My friends enjoy their visits. They’ve taken part in the quiz at the prosecco club on Fridays, and one friend greatly enjoyed one of the garden parties last year.”

Trust us to care

We work hard to support residents to keep connected with their loved ones. We help families and friends to continue sharing special experiences whether that’s in the home, through special trips and outings, or maximising technology so that distance is no longer an issue.

Care UK is a leading independent care home provider with some of the highest quality ratings of the UK’s larger care providers, and over 40 years’ experience of delivering high-quality care to older people.

For more information about Manor Lodge in Chelmsford, call 01245 904 876 or visit careuk.com/manor-lodge

Good day everyone and thanks for reading my column this month.

Firstly, I would like to say congrats to Deaks for all of the great work over the last 3 months, pulling together some amazing features. This month’s interview with the legendary Joe Cole on page 26 is amazing. What a sublime piece of fortune, to be able to interview such a star of WHUFC.

Boxed-In

are we now facing a backward step? The office community have always been quite precious about who they sit with and it seems that more and more companies are bringing back offices, which I do not agree with – this is a movement away from collaboration in the workplace.

The office environment is a simple one but complicated by so many people having a different view, which is good, but as a Designer, it can be frustrating. Of course, nobody wants to be told what to do or to be dictated to, but imagine if we had spaces which were so disjointed that an eclectic felt dizzy!

I suppose all of my columns to date are focussed on the new norm since the pandemic. More and more people are working from home with ‘Agile’ and ‘Hybrid’ solutions popping up everywhere.

Interestingly, over the last 5 years, furniture manufacturers have really pushed the concept of smaller individual PODs onto the design industry for placement into commercial space. On the flip-side, as Designers, we have spent 20 years working towards a more collaborative ‘Open

are downright ugly. What are the criteria for having the right POD?

For those of you that are not familiar, I have shown an image of something which we are installing into our projects currently.

Many designers in the industry will take Style over Substance, but there is a balance, each requiring compromise.

offices and were being allocated a desk in the open plan with their teams. One of my rebellious customers showed great creativity to build his own pre-millennium POD using cardboard.

Office environments are certainly becoming more ‘homely’ and comfortable. The placement of elegant leather sofas, comfy armchairs and footstools etc help this along. However, the introduction of PODs, if used as they should, and NOT as makeshift individual offices will certainly work and adds further interest. If the whole community could see these as another space to enjoy when they want to ‘focus’ or take some time to work remotely it would be great. Last month, I spoke about having our place of work for everyone, not just the chosen few and the introduction of PODs means that anyone could have their ‘15 minutes’.

We, as a design firm (Workplace Designs Ltd) have currently engaged with a factory to make our own, which I have to say are both stunning and practical with high acoustic properties.

In 1995 I designed the offices for XeroxUK with a concerted shift away from cellular space, which I can state, for this particular community was enormous. Once, one of the most successful companies in the world and cash rich until the patent for their devices ran out (c1975) thereby allowing Cannon & Ricoh et al to clamber all-over their market share.

So, on the Monday morning after the move into the new facility, there he was with 2m high cardboard walls surrounding his desk, he had even constructed a cardboard roof with a sliding cardboard door which he taped shut! I think if we had smartphones back then, it would have gone viral – it was amazing!

Nowadays, we have the most incredible opportunities with our work spaces, as many firms try hard to create a great environment for their staff. NB: it is never perfect for us all and it will never be easy, but with a little compromise, it can be better than we had before and closer to our ideal.

Last month I mentioned that we would be running a competition, which has been delayed, so please tune in next month for your chance to win one of those amazing Dinosaur heads

Thanks for reading

Design Dude

Inspiration for the Population

Please feel free to email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com

DIGITAL WORLD

For ages I’ve been banging on about the importance of holding on to, or starting to re-buy, your favourite films/games/music in some kind of physical format rather than building up digital libraries. And with the news last month that Sony, from 2027, will be winding down the production of video games in disc format and will only produce them on their digital store for download instead, it has, to put it mildly, caused quite a bit of a stir amongst gamers due

to the fear of not really owning anything.

What’s more, a few streaming platforms have recently lost their licenses for films or music, meaning that, had you paid for these thinking they would be yours to keep, watch or listen to again and again, you would find yourself truly mistaken, empty-handed and out of pocket with no apology given. This backs up my statement at the start of this month’s column, encouraging the OWNING of the physical format.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the convenience of the digital library, especially for saving space in the household (as I also have my own having got sucked into it too), but the moment I realised that it’s not actually mine and can be taken from me at any moment (even though it’s not sold that way) I stopped buying them and reverted to buying DVD, Blu-ray, laser disc and cd/vinyl again. And, not just for the films or music themselves, but also for the pleasure of having the physical artwork of the covers in my hand, especially on some of my favourite films from my younger days. I’ve even found a few websites that have converted

the old rental big box

VHS covers (which were always great) into a size format to fit a Blu-ray or DVD box, evoking some brilliant memories of watching them the first time around.

Sadly, nowadays a lot of movie or album covers seem to be lazy cutand-paste images rather than real artwork. That’s why vintage film posters can still go for good money and are so iconic.

Thank god HMV has just reopened in Chelmsford and just at the right time for the general public to support the physical media industry.

Don’t let these formats become further casualties of modern-day society (like when we are told to use online banking and cards rather than cash), or we will

become more and more controlled in what we do, what we watch or listen to and what we read.

I want to own the version of something I enjoyed and not pay for something that can be edited and changed without notice or permission, or in some cases erased away completely.

Let’s start living in the real world again and not a virtual one. There is no Keanu Reeves character to save us in this Matrix world we are becoming, that’s for sure. Till next time

The Polak xx

What do you do when you and your friends all turn 50 in the same summer? Soak up the sun in Marbella? Hit the Strip in Las Vegas? Or perhaps embark on an epic bar crawl in London?

Well, in my case, despite being called a nerd and much to my wife’s amusement, there was only one place I wanted to visit: Arcade Club in Bury, just outside Manchester.

But what, in the name of Donkey Kong’s coconuts, is Arcade Club?

It’s Europe’s biggest arcade and one of the largest in the world. You know the sort of place: rows of machines where, as a kid, you fed ten pence pieces into Pac-Man and Galaga while furiously waggling the joystick.

Arcades weren’t just a feature of seaside holidays. Chelmsford had one tucked away behind the old indoor market. It was a den of iniquity that made the Mos Eisley Cantina from Star Wars seem respectable. Older boys sold cigarettes to younger kids, strange old men lurked in corners, but it was worth braving the atmosphere for a go on Enduro Racer or Shinobi.

My happiest memories, though, were Friday nights at the YMCA. They always had two arcade machines, changing them every few months, and the combination of Double Dragon and Sega’s Alien Syndrome swallowed most of my paper-round money.

Arcades still exist, of course. Walk into almost any holiday park and you’ll find a sea of claw machines, coin pushers and ticketdispensing “skill” games. Unlike the classics, which rewarded practice and ability, these modern machines seem designed simply to separate you from your money. You can spend a small fortune collecting tickets, only to discover you’ve earned little more than a tiny foam aeroplane that probably costs less than a pound.

Arcade Club is the complete opposite. Spread across four floors, it houses more than 500 beautifully restored arcade machines spanning over four decades. Better still, every single one is set to free play. Pay the admission fee, and you can play all day without reaching for your wallet.

There are plenty of retro arcades these days, but many feel like trendy bars with a few neglected machines thrown in for decoration. Arcade Club is different. It has been created by enthusiasts who clearly care about preserving gaming history.

To reach this gaming nirvana, six of us travelled by train. Unfortunately, we’d chosen one of the hottest days ever recorded in Britain. Temperatures approached 38°C, trains were being cancelled, and the faster services north had been scrapped.

Emerging from Euston Square station felt like walking into a furnace. Surely the train would offer some relief? Not quite. The replacement service was packed, most of the air conditioning had failed and the sealed windows ensured the heat had nowhere to escape. The planned journey with a few beers quickly became an endurance test, with passengers desperately buying overpriced bottled water instead.

By the time we reached Manchester we were melting. Six grown men squeezed into the back of a black cab before finally arriving at the Village Hotel, where ice-cold pints of Modelo disappeared almost instantly. Like the famous scene in Ice Cold in Alex, they tasted like the greatest drinks we’d ever had.

Refreshed after a shower, we made the short journey to Arcade Club, tucked away in a converted mill on an industrial estate.

Inside was paradise.

The ground floor is dominated by driving games, including a spectacular four-player OutRun 2 cabinet where each player sits in a Ferrari mounted on a hydraulic motion platform. Racing three friends around the same course is every bit as much fun as it sounds.

This floor also contains the adults-only section. Before your imagination runs away with you, it’s simply a child-free area with its own bar and a superb collection of pinball machines, including The Addams Family, The Twilight Zone and South Park. On Friday evenings the entire venue becomes adults-only, making it the perfect time to visit.

One machine stood out above all the others: an original working Pong cabinet from 1972, one of the earliest commercially successful arcade games and a genuine piece of gaming history.

The second floor is home to shooting games such as House of the Dead, Time Crisis and my personal favourite, Point Blank, alongside a large console gaming area.

The third floor celebrates Japan’s enormous influence on arcade gaming. While the first commercially successful arcade games emerged in America, it was Japan that transformed the industry. Franchises such as Pac-Man, Space Invaders and Donkey Kong became worldwide phenomena, while Japanese developers pioneered rhythm games, dance games and wonderfully eccentric arcade experiences.

The strangest game I encountered involved physically flipping a table to launch champagne glasses, wedding cakes and household objects across the room. Completely ridiculous—and utterly brilliant.

Then came the fourth floor.

This was why we’d travelled all the way to Bury. Rows upon rows of arcade legends from the 1980s and 1990s

stretched into the distance, every cabinet lovingly restored and ready to play. I genuinely had to pick my jaw up off the floor.

There was Mortal Kombat, Final Fight, OutRun, After Burner, Shinobi and countless others. Classic vector games such as Star Wars and Battlezone stood alongside multiplayer favourites including Gauntlet, The Simpsons and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

It was gaming heaven.

Better still, this floor had its own bar, allowing you to wander around with an ice-cold Corona while deciding what to play next. There was so much to see that I spent as much time admiring the collection as I did actually playing it.

The six hours we spent there vanished in what felt like minutes. At one point I overheard someone say, “I’ve not felt like a child again in years,” and that perfectly summed up the experience.

There’s something magical about these old arcade games. They transport you back to a simpler time, when your biggest concern was making your final life last a little longer or finally beating the boss that had been humiliating you all afternoon. They remind you that games didn’t need downloadable content, endless updates or battle passes to become addictive. They simply needed brilliant gameplay.

Arcade Club understands that. It isn’t just a warehouse full of old machines; it’s a museum preserving an important chapter in gaming history. Every cabinet has been restored and maintained by people who genuinely love what they do.

If you grew up during the golden age of arcade gaming, you owe it to yourself to make the pilgrimage to Bury. Whether you’re chasing a high score on Mr. Do!, reliving memories of Space Harrier or introducing your own children to the games you grew up with, there’s nowhere quite like it.

It’s more than just an arcade.

It’s a time machine.

And we’re already planning to return next summer.

Andrew Eley

THE MEMORIES THAT MATTER

Weddings are peculiar affairs. Months, sometimes years, of planning culminate in a few fleeting hours, yet when we look back, the memories that endure are often not those anyone expected.

The happy couple naturally imagine that guests will forever reminisce about the ceremony, the speeches, the setting, the flowers, the food and the dancing. The venue will have been selected with care, the table plans agonised over and the playlist debated long into the night. Yet memory has a will of its own. It has little respect for budgets, timetables or intentions. Instead, it tends to preserve whatever moments happen to resonate most deeply within us.

I was reminded of this recently while attending a family wedding in London.

Mrs W and I stayed for two nights at the Corinthia Hotel in Whitehall, accompanied by our four-year-old grandson, who shared our suite because we had the ‘privilege’ of providing childcare, giving his parents space and time to attend to the wedding preparations.

Now, I have stayed in some very pleasant hotels over the years, but the Corinthia is in a different league. The grandeur of the building, its location and the attentiveness of the staff combined to make us feel like minor royalty. It's one of those establishments where staff appear from nowhere precisely when required and disappear just as discreetly once their task is complete. And then there's the spa. Wow! Occupying four underground floors, it's long regarded as one of London's finest luxury hotel spas, with a beautiful indoor swimming pool, vitality pool, sauna, steam room and a wellequipped gym.

The wedding was scheduled for what turned out to be a gloriously sunny afternoon in May, allowing plenty of time for preparations. The hours before the ceremony involved the usual dressing, grooming, hair, make-up, photographs and, occasionally, a little panicking. These rituals hold very little interest for four-year-old boys and, faced with a morning of adults fussing over ties, dresses and seating arrangements, grandson and grandad decided to escape.

We left the hotel and ambled for barely an hour, yet I suspect it will remain one of my most treasured memories of the entire weekend.

Hand in hand, we set off along Whitehall, his small hand gripping mine tightly as we explored a part of London that never fails to impress me but, to a young child, must seem almost mythical.

Along the way, we passed the Cenotaph, where I briefly attempted to explain its significance in terms fathomable for a four-year-old. We watched the Changing of the King's Life Guard at Horse Guards, a ritual far more exciting and precise than what was surely going on back at the hotel, and we paused at the gates at the end of Downing Street.

We admired the Palace of Westminster and Big Ben, both looking stunning against a brilliant blue sky. The pageantry continued when we were fortunate to come across ranks of Household Division soldiers rehearsing for Trooping the Colour, a striking spectacle of brilliant scarlet tunics and towering black bearskin hats.

My young companion was captivated. We wandered through St James's Park, where ducks, geese and parakeets competed for his attention, before pausing to gaze up The Mall towards Buckingham Palace, glimpsing it in the distance. After passing under Admiralty Arch, we continued towards Trafalgar Square and Nelson's Column.

To me, these were familiar landmarks. To him, they were wonders. And what struck me most was that children seem to possess a remarkable capacity to make adults see things afresh. Buildings that had become ordinary to my eyes over the years suddenly regained some of their grandeur simply because I was seeing them through his eyes.

Beforehand, guests gathered in the pub around the corner, ensuring they were, in an entirely civilised and fitting manner, adequately 'fortified' for the afternoon's proceedings.

Promises were exchanged, registers signed and witnessed, and the bride and groom looked wonderful despite their nerves and probable sleep deprivation. Family and friends, wearing frocks, suits and smiles, threw confetti as cameras turned memories digital. It was a truly joyous occasion.

Later, back at the Corinthia, drinks flowed freely alongside the canapés. There was an excellent dinner, heartfelt and amusing speeches, and music and dancing that continued long into the evening.

By any measure, it was a splendid wedding.

Yet if I am honest, when I recall that weekend years from now, I suspect the image that will surface first will not be the dining room, the speeches or even the ceremony itself.

Instead, I will remember the little boy walking beside me through Westminster on a sunny May morning, his eyes wide with wonder and his hand clasped tightly in mine.

Maybe that is how memory works. Grand occasions provide a setting, but the moments that endure are often smaller, quieter and more personal. They arrive unannounced and cement their significance only afterwards.

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As we walked, he gazed upwards, asking questions and pointing at statues, buildings and flags. There was excitement in every observation of a world that had not yet become mundane.

The wedding itself was everything one might hope for. The ceremony at Marylebone Old Town Hall felt intimate and warm, aided by a relatively small guest list.

Years from now, I suspect I will remember very little about the seating plan, the speeches or even the ceremony itself. But I hope I remember a little boy walking beside me through Westminster on a sunny May morning, his eyes wide with wonder and his hand clasped tightly in mine.

Dalston Whitbread

O N LY

J O K I N G !

J O K I N G !

If walking is good for you, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, only drinks water and is fat.

A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs a lot and hops all day, and only lives 5 years.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer ‘smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’. Apparently, the correct terms are cremation or burial.

A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise. I don’t think so!

Husband: “When I get cross with you, you never argue back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

The husband and I went out to eat last night, and the waiter asked him how his meal was.

Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”

“It was delicious,” said hubby. “Madam, how did you find the pork belly?” said the waiter to me. “Oh, it was about 6 years ago; we met on a dating app,” I replied.

A copper pulled me over for speeding and said to me, “If you can give me a reasonable excuse I’ve never heard before, l’ll let you go.”

“Good boy!” and then he asks,

“What is the opposite of smooth?”

Dog replies, “Rough”

“That’s my boy!” the guy says and pats him on the head.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

“Who was the best Scotland goalkeeper of all time?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

“Rough” barks the dog. The ringmaster says, “Get out of here and stop wasting my time!” and pushes them out of his office and slams the door.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

Whilst walking back to the car, the dog looks up at his master and says, “Do you think I should have said Jim Leighton?”

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

A man asked me if I’d like to stroke his cocker spaniel. On reflection, I should have chosen spaniel.

I said, “Several years ago, my husband ran off with his secretary. I thought you were trying to bring him back to me.”

A man has been shot with a starting pistol and then beaten with a relay baton. Police believe it may be a race-related attack.

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

The copper replied. “Just slow down a bit and have a nice day madam.”

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital, and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

Before my Grandfather died, he told me that he got to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning, he told them the passengers shouldn’t get on board because he knew it was going to sink. But nobody listened, and he repeatedly told them right up to the minute they kicked him out of the cinema.

I asked him how I could help, and bizarrely, he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 Jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila?

It’s a free country, so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks, he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila, which he dispatched one at a time at a quick pace.

My local barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I’ve been his customer for 6 years, and I had no idea he was a barber.

He then looked at me, really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why, what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”

Stephen King has a son called Joe, I’m not joking, but he is.

A man takes his dog to the circus and tells the ringmaster that his dog can speak English and that he should be in the circus. The ringmaster says, “That’s rubbish. Prove it.”

The man says, “Ok, I will’ and he asks his dog three questions:

My friend failed his Aboriginal music exam the other day. I said, “Did you re-do it mate?”

“What is on top of a house?”

The dog replies, “Roof”

Did you know that the Chuckle Brothers couldn’t have children.

One had a vasectomy; the other had a ‘vasec to you’.

Why did George Michael have chocolate on his trousers?

My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So, l got a chicken. Deep fried. It came with a chocolate milkshake. I feel better already.

Because he was careless with his Wispa.

Have you seen those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.

I was getting out of the shower when my girlfriend said, “You’re getting fat, just look at that belly. When was the last time you saw your pecker?” I replied, “It’s been a long time to be fair.” She said, “Why don’t you diet?” I replied, “Why, what colour is it now?”

I asked the lass at the chemist if they’d got any Benylin.

“For cough?” she said. I said, “Whoa, I only asked.”

cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!” I tried to tell him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.

Am I the only one who buys a dozen reusable supermarket shopping bags and leaves them in the car every single time? Nope, I thought not.

They have just announced that the male version of Alexa will be released. It will be called Alex, and you have to ask the same thing 10 times and wait 6 months for him to do it.

My wife asked me, “What would be the female equivalent of a man cave?”

I said to her, “That would be a kitchen.”

I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the vicar for the WiFi code and he shouted, “Please, have some respect for the deceased,” and I replied, “Is that all in lower case, vicar?”

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims his gun. A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse.” This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, ‘Why did you shout Mickey Mouse?” The agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald Duck!”

If you are attracted to both women and men, but neither of them are attracted to you, that means you are bi-yourself.

I asked my wife what sex feels like for a woman, and she said, “It’s like when your kids help you clean the house, and you tell them what a great job they did, knowing full well you are going to have to go back and do it again yourself.”

I told my wife the Amazon driver claims to have slept with every woman in our street except one! My wife said, “It’s probably that stuck-up bitch at No.14.”

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So, he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskies, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

I went to a job interview. The interviewer asked, “What do you consider to be your greatest weakness?”

I replied, “I’m too honest.”

By the way, does anyone have a place I can stay for a few nights?

Ladies, next time you get into an argument with your other half, just turn around and tell him, “Why don’t you act like your hairline and take a few steps back.”

A wife’s prayer; Dear God

Husband: “Your tyres are bald; they need to be replaced.”

You gave me a childhood... You took it away...

Wife: “They’re fine, you’re going bald, and I haven’t replaced you yet.”

You gave me youth...

You took it away...

A husband and wife were giving each other the silent treatment.

You gave me a husband... It’s been years now, I’m just saying.

After several days, the husband realised he had an early flight the next morning and needed to be up at 5 AM.

The police came to my house today and said, “It looks like your husband has been hit by a bus.”

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote a note:

I said, “I know, but other than that, he has a lovely personality and he’s great with the kids”

“Please wake me up at 5 AM.”

Then he left it on his wife’s nightstand.

The interviewer said, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness” I said, “I don’t give a toss what you think.”

A husband died, and a few years later the wife died. When she got to heaven, she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. “Darling, oh how I’ve missed you,” she says. The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him, “Steady there woman, the contract was until death.”

My girlfriend got me a get better soon card. I’m not ill.

She just hopes I can get better.

When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for?

Nobody is giving me a straight answer.

A bloke rang me up the other night and said, “I’m the dandy highwayman who you’re too scared to mention, I spend my

Nothing Shocks Me Anymore

I don’t know whether it’s just me getting older or whether we’ve all become a bit desensitised, but very little seems to shock me these days. Perhaps that’s because if something truly bizarre, disturbing or unbelievable happens anywhere in the world, it usually ends up as a feature-length Netflix drama within about six months.

I recently watched Maternal Instinct on Netflix, and I have to admit, it was a gripping watch. The story centres around a woman who desperately wants a child but can’t have one herself. Without giving too much away, her obsession takes her down an incredibly dark path involving deception, murder and kidnapping. It’s one of those programmes where you spend the entire time thinking, “Surely nobody could actually do that.” That’s the bit that really gets me. Scroll through Netflix these days, and the recommendations are full of serial killers, fraudsters, kidnappers, cult leaders and every imaginable crime. It’s all rather grim, yet somehow incredibly watchable. There must be something about human nature that makes us fascinated by the darker side of life. Maybe it’s curiosity. Maybe it’s relief that our own lives are considerably less dramatic. Or maybe we’re all just a little bit nosey.

Whatever the reason, these programmes have an uncanny ability to keep you watching “just one more episode” before suddenly realising it’s midnight, and you’ve got work in the morning. One thing I have noticed is that, whilst we certainly have our fair share of strange stories here in the UK, our friends across the Atlantic do seem to turn things up a notch. If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that Americans don’t appear to do things by halves.

Personally, I think I’ll stick to British problems. A missing wheelie bin is about as much excitement as I need.

Falling for England All Over Again

It only feels like five minutes ago that we were all moaning about VAR, relegation battles and another exhausting Premier League season. Then, before you know it, the World Cup arrives.

If I’m honest, I had become fairly disconnected from the England team. Maybe it’s modern football, the millionaire lifestyles or the carefully managed social media personalities. Whatever the reason, I didn’t feel the same connection I once did.

The tournament’s opening stages didn’t exactly help. We beat Croatia, but then produced some forgettable performances against Panama and Guyana before stumbling past DR Congo. Then came Mexico.

Not just Mexico, but Mexico in Mexico, at the famous Azteca Stadium.

Everything seemed stacked against us. There was the altitude, the heat, thunderstorms, kick-off delays and a fiercely partisan home crowd. For supporters in the UK, the match was moved from an already antisocial 1am start to 2am on a Monday morning. I stayed awake, fearing the inevitable. Instead, England produced one of the most courageous performances I can remember.

We flew out of the blocks, then had to dig in after being reduced to ten men. It became proper backs-against-the-wall football. Suddenly, these weren’t distant, overpaid superstars. They were players fighting for the badge, and I was completely invested again.

It felt a bit like getting back together with an ex. For one glorious night, you forget all the reasons it didn’t work. The chemistry returns, the old feelings come flooding back, and you convince yourself that maybe this time things will be different.

England then scraped past Norway and took a 1-0 lead against Argentina in the semi-final. I allowed myself to believe. Then Thomas Tuchel switched to what looked like a six-man defence, invited endless pressure, and England lost 2-1. Suddenly, all the reasons we separated came flooding back.

Still, that night against Mexico will live long in my memory. England may have broken my heart again, but for a brief moment, I fell in love with them all over again. I should have known better.

When Politics Becomes Pantomime

Politics has certainly been anything but dull recently. Whatever your political persuasion, you’ve probably noticed Reform UK’s rise in the polls and the scrutiny surrounding Nigel Farage over an undeclared £5 million gift, which has led to a Parliamentary standards investigation. In response, Farage resigned as MP for Clacton and triggered a by-election, saying he wanted to be judged by the voters rather than a committee. So far, so serious.

What surprised me, though, was seeing the by-election rapidly become something of a spectacle. Several of the main political parties chose not to stand candidates, while the satirical candidate Count Binface announced he would run instead. Now, don’t get me wrong, Britain has always had room for political humour. We’ve had the Monster Raving Loony Party, Screaming Lord Sutch and plenty of light-hearted moments over the years.

But I can’t help feeling this is different. Politics has a direct impact on almost every part of our lives. It influences taxes, healthcare, schools, pensions, policing and the cost of living. Millions of people are genuinely worried about paying the bills, buying a home or finding an NHS appointment. Against that backdrop, seeing a by-election dominated by a man dressed as a wheelie bin doesn’t strike me as particularly funny.

Some will say satire is an important part of democracy, and they’re probably right. A healthy democracy should be able to laugh at itself. But equally, democracy deserves to be taken seriously.

Whether you support Reform, Labour, the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats, the Greens or none of them at all, surely we should want elections to be contests of ideas, policies and leadership rather than who can generate the biggest social media headline.

Maybe I’m just getting old. Or maybe some things are too important to turn into a pantomime.

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OVER LINE LOCAL SPORT UPDATES

ESSEX CRICKET

Paul Hiscock (1946-2026)

Essex County Cricket Club were deeply saddened to learn of the passing of respected sports reporter and journalist Paul Hiscock, who died on Sunday 14 June, aged 79.

A lifelong Essex supporter and Life Member, Paul attended his first Essex match in 1951 at the age of five and remained devoted to the Club throughout his life. For many years, he was a familiar and much-loved figure around the Essex Cricket scene, covering the Club both home and away and becoming a valued contributor across its official publications. Paul conducted interviews with players and management for the Club’s YouTube channel and regularly wrote for the Club’s website, matchday magazines and annual Yearbook.

Paul will always be remembered as a much-loved figure within Essex Cricket for his passion for sport, his professionalism and his unwavering support of the Club. He leaves behind a body of work that captured countless moments in Essex Cricket history.

Graham Gooch Foundation Continues Support for Essex Cricket

The Graham Gooch Foundation continued its support for Essex Cricket’s Pathways and Community Programmes.

The Graham Gooch Foundation, formerly known as the Graham Gooch Scholarship and now part of the Essex Cricket Foundation, reaffirmed its commitment to supporting cricket across the county through continued investment in talent pathways and community initiatives. Funding provided by the Graham Gooch Foundation will support the Essex Boys’ and Girls’ Academies, helping to nurture and develop the next generation of cricketers across the region.

Essex Men Secured T20 Quarter-Final

Essex Men claimed an 8-wicket victory over Surrey Men in London on Sunday 12 July, which secured them a quarter-final place in the Vitality T20 Blast. Unfortunately, Essex lost to Hampshire Hawks at the Utilita Bowl, Southampton on Wednesday 15 July, but despite not making it to Finals Day it remains a great achievement for the Club to reach the quarter-final.

Noah Thain Pens New Essex Deal

Essex Cricket were delighted to announce that Essex Men’s allrounder Noah Thain signed a long-term contract extension with the Club.

The 21-year-old signed a three-year deal that will keep him at Essex until the end of the 2029 season. After coming through the ranks from the Essex Academy in 2021, Thain has become a regular member of the Essex Men’s squad across all three formats, establishing himself as a genuine middle-order all-rounder.

Simon Harmer Named Test Player of the Year

Essex Men’s Simon Harmer was named South Africa’s Test Player of the Year.

On Friday 17 July, Cricket South Africa hosted the 2026 CSA Awards – an evening dedicated to honouring the players, coaches, teams and moments that defined the year. The awards recognise the stars who inspired the nation and elevated South African cricket

on the global stage. Among the winners was Essex Cricket’s Simon Harmer, who was named Test Player of the Year following a brilliant return to Test cricket for the Proteas. His comeback included standout series against Pakistan and India over the winter, during which he claimed an incredible 30 wickets in four matches at an average of 14.30. His best figures of 6-37 came against India.

CHELMSFORD CITY FC

DATES FOR DATES FOR DATES FOR YOUR DIARY YOUR DIARY YOUR DIARY

CHELMSFORD CRICKET CLUB

On Monday 31st August, Chelmsford Cricket Club will be hosting their annual “100 Day”.

This is an exciting day of limited overs cricketing competition, providing entertainment for families and a focal point for the local community.

There will be three separate competitions, one between four senior teams, another between four junior teams and also a mini tournament amongst the Allstars and Dynamos. Whilst the cricket is being played, there will be family entertainment in the form of music, inflatables, food stalls, face painting, a prize raffle and various sport related challenges.

There will also be stands from local businesses, wishing to offer a selection of their wares and engage with the local community.

Food and refreshments will be available throughout the day, so please feel free to pop over to Chelmer Park, at anytime between 10am and 6pm to join in the fun!

Location: Chelmer Park, 463 Beehive Ln, Chelmsford CM2 8RL

Vic on the Telly

Vic on the Telly

based police

more series as the BBC believes

My column for Over the Edge will be talking and reviewing television and films. It will in anything watchable. It will be called vicontvandfilms. Since watching television and films has changed over the years, streaming will be included.

My first review this month is Dear England, a four-part BBC drama series that follows Gareth Southgate’s years as the England national football manager. It’s a bit patchy when it switches from original video footage to the actors playing in the drama. It stars Joseph Fiennes as Gareth Southgate and also features Jodie Whittaker as psychologist Pippa Grange. It dramatises the England team’s development and transition from being really terrible. Gareth got us to two Euro finals and a semi-final of the World Cup (since 1966, only Bobby Robson had achieved that).

House of Dragon

dragons, caused by a lie, two Targaryens siblings lead two opposing armies. One brother the throne but is not; his brother having been mistakenly put there. It’s a little slower and has fantastic scenery.

As you might have read in the last edition of The Edge, me and the Mrs changed our tv package from Virgin Media to Now TV. The Now TV package also had Sky Atlantic included, a channel I have

comedy in it too and it made me think about other TV trivia game shows. There was one a few years ago called Paul Sinha’s TV Showdown - Paul Sinha of Chase fame. It wasn’t very good. It had a celebrity panel too.

The first series to be reviewed is a controversial one, The Tattooist of Auschwitz. I had seen it advertised on television and when we changed provider I was able to see it. It will not be everyone’s cup of tea. A lot of people have asked how can you make a drama out of the holocaust? They did!

Next for me to review is House of the Dragon. I saw that Series 2 was advertised to start in June. I watched Game of Thrones before on DVD as I did not have Sky Atlantic.

her early Neighbours years. It was a three-part documentary about her life. It steps into her archives and shows many films and photos that may not have been seen previously. It seems to be an affecting, emotionally powerful portrait that avoids the feel of a conventional celebrity documentary.

of the 1982 murder of Rachel Nickell. It follows Rachel’s son, Alex, who was aged two when she was murdered in front of him, and his father, Andre, as they tackle life after Rachel’s death. It also deals with the mistakes made by the police, who initially convicted the wrong man. The three episodes make it a quick and easy watch on Netflix. It doesn’t sensationalise the murder but focuses on its human cost.

I have now watched series one and two on iPlayer.

I also watched Nobody’s Fool. Overall, I’m not a fan of it. It seems to have elements of Traitors and

There may be a third series next year.

https://www.overtheedgemag.co.uk/

The Weakest Link. It also features behind-closed-doors quizzes and seems to have a fair amount of lying. Danny Dyer and Emily Atack host. The money seems to be halved if they don’t vote out the weakest contestant holding the lowest accumulated money. I only watched one episode and decided that was enough.

This series was based on Heather Morris’s book of the same name. It’s brutal, disturbing and devastating. It covers the relationship between Lala Sololov and Gita in the concentration camp of Auschwitz. Lala, the protagonist in the television drama, switches between now and the time in the camp. Like all programmes it is littered with historical inaccuracies. I think it is worth a watch, I binged it in two weeks.

Next up is a programme I judge to be total rubbish. It’s called Make That Movie. It is an absurd mockumentary. A member of the public thinks up a movie concept, usually a really ridiculous one. The director assembles a team to make the silly movie. The episode I saw was about a pair of thieves who steal a cursed fang, which causes one of them to always be a snake, and the detective who is hot on their tails.

Listening to the intro music brought back memories of Game of Thrones.

TV Showdown brought back memories of Telly Addicts. I was a 10 year old kid when it first started and was near abouts my 20’s when it ended. My knowledge of TV back then was not that great, but it has grown. This mostly had the general public as contestants with the occasional celebrity. It was hosted by Noel Edmonds.

Smart TV

The third television programme review is Rob Beckett’s Smart TV, a game show based on TV knowledge.

I missed the first series of House of the Dragon but will try and find a way to see it. I have seen the whole of Series 2. House of the Dragon is the prequel to Game of Thrones, set some 200 years prior. It’s not as shocking as Game of Thrones which was a groundbreaker and featured beheadings, molten gold crowns, crushed heads etc. The main storyline of Series 2 was the warring factions of the Targaryens, the greens and the blacks. Readying for the war of the

Another series box set I have watched lately is True Detective. I watched the first series and all of the fourth series called the Night Country. Season one was the best of the two in my opinion. From the haunting song at the beginning “Far from any road” by the Handsome Family, series one had the back and forth timelines of the two main characters Rusty Cohle and Marty Hart who were played by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson respectively. Two polar opposites working together to solve a very gruesome murder and other crimes. This season had two male main characters.

The format is two teams of three celebrities with one of them as a permanent captain, these being Alison Hammond and Josh Widdecombe.

Next up is Prisoner, on Sky Atlantic. A six-part action thriller, it has an irresistible premise about new mum Amber, returning to her job as a prison officer. It follows her transporting a high-value prisoner to testify against his crime syndicate, with their relationship evolving throughout the dangerous journey. The mob boss wants him out of the way, and an ambush kills all but the prisoner and the guard. They go on the run and are being hunted.

The fourth season has two female detectives solving the disappearance of a set of scientists from a research centre. The only flashbacks are how things happened. This one’s main characters are Liz Danvers and Evangeline Navarro played by Jodie Foster and Kali Reis respectively. I have been a fan of Foster since I was little.

I watched Kylie, on Netflix. I have been a fan of Kylie Minogue since

The host, as it says, is Rob Beckett. It has elements of

The Witness is a true-life dramatisation about the aftermath

I’m partial to an animal-based programme. So, watching one of my favourite animals in a show was a good start. Tiger Island is based in Nepal’s Bardiya region. It’s the habitat that boasts the highest tiger density on earth. It follows two mothers, Gina and Mala, raising their cubs on a river island in a community-owned forest. This show explores deeper than Sir David Attenborough’s Asia did. The real close-up footage is shot from drones, which seems not to spook the animals.

THE

EDGE OVERthe

Chelmsford’s resident creative, Rebecca, talks motherhood, all things spiritual and the importance of tapping into your artistic side with Rachel Bear.

Born and bred in Chelmsford, Rebecca is just one example of the creativity brimming within our city, if you look for it. As a spiritual guide, artist, poet and single mother, Rebecca’s innovative and inspiring work focuses on creation, emotional connection and inclusivity. Recently, Rebecca was commissioned to write ‘A Poem for Chelmsford’ by Chelmsford City Council. The resulting poem was released alongside a beautiful video celebrating the beauty of our city, and we have featured the poem on the opposite page in our ‘Hold My Beer’ section.

After a shared moment of admiration for Deaks’ house and (admittedly exceptional) fish tank, we began our conversation:

Big Interview

Tuning in with Rebecca Carter

with amazing makers and creators can really change your view of Chelmsford.

Rachel: What was your experience like being commissioned by Chelmsford City Council and creating the words and video for ‘A Poem for Chelmsford’?

Rebecca: I went through an application and interview process with a panel before I was chosen to write the poem. I viewed the project as a big learning experience for me, since a lot of my creative work is personal to me and about what I want to do, but for this I had to collaborate with the Council’s ideas on what they wanted me to do, and it was a very different way of working than what I was used to. I did find it challenging, and receiving criticism or negative feedback on your work can feel like a setback, but in the long run, it provided a really good learning opportunity for me. Overall, I was really happy with the final result of the poem and video. We had a great launch party to celebrate it!

Rachel: What would you say has been your favourite creative project?

Rachel: You were born in Chelmsford. What was your experience growing up and living here, and how has this inspired your work and your creativity?

Rebecca: Growing up in Chelmsford, I found that there wasn’t a lot going on in terms of creativity - it just wasn’t there. This influenced me to make something happen and do it for myself, to be someone who provided the creativity that was missing, and that’s why I’m so proud to be self-made in terms of my business.

Rachel: So, if you could recommend one place to a Chelmsford newcomer, what would it be?

Rebecca: Graham’s house! But other than that, I would say Central Park is the place that is just quintessentially ‘Chelmsford’. Visiting there would allow you to see every angle of Chelmsford life.

Rachel: We have featured your ‘Poem for Chelmsford’ in Over the Edge, and you mentioned that you spoke to residents for some inspiration. Was there a standout place or person that inspired you?

Rebecca: Initially, I was met with a lot of negativity and moaning about parking when asking residents their thoughts on Chelmsford. But I was looking to find something good, and I would say that speaking to the Artists in the Meadows changed things for me, as they had so many positive things to share. I think that shows how having a sense of community

Rebecca: My favourite would have to be my son! But my second favourite would be the poems that I write, just for me, with no expectation, that I don’t feel the need to share with anyone. The poems that you write and then revisit a few months or years down the line are just yours.

Rachel: I believe strongly in the power of creativity and expression through art or writing, and it has helped me a lot in my life. Do you feel it has done the same for you, and why did you choose to pursue this as a creative career?

Rebecca: I think I would be a really boring, underdeveloped person if I wasn’t creative! Pursuing this has made me discover a new side to myself - it’s fun, it makes you more resilient and more committed to your creations.

Rachel: Do you have any advice for others looking to pursue a similar creative path?

Rebecca: I would say the most important thing is to follow your own path and find your own way of doing things. It makes it more exciting, not just going down the beaten track, but being a pioneer.

Rachel: Moving on to spirituality and the sessions that you run. I personally believe, but people who have never tried anything spiritual before may be sceptical about it. How would you describe the sessions to someone who has never tried it before, and why would you recommend it?

Rebecca: I would recommend spirituality because it has changed how I relate to life, how capable I feel, and how I enjoy things. My 1:1 sessions are always different depending on the person and their journey. I don’t try to lead or focus on one way of doing things; it’s all about helping the individual find their own way. I focus on somatic feeling, slowing down and observing in order to help individuals process their emotions. Life often feels so busy, so just that

opportunity to slow everything down can be really healing, but each session looks different for each person.

Rachel: You also run special women’s circles. Why do you feel it’s so important for women in particular to have safe communal spaces?

Rebecca: I think women and men process emotions very differently, and the need for an all-female community is really important for women to have. My circles bring together women of all different ages, with mothers and career women, to create a real sense of community. I’ve had women from 18 to 80 all in one session! I think these sessions can help women feel more comfortable with one another - we are so often pitted against each other, but I want to create a supportive space with no judgement or competition.

Rachel: You mention being a single mother on your website and social media, so of course that is a huge part of your life. How has being a mother inspired and influenced your work and your journey?

Rebecca: I became a mother at 22, a lot younger than most of my friends, so of course I’ve learnt a lot. For me, being a mother is really important and has been so fulfilling for me. My 3-year-old son often teaches me things about myself, and I believe that my creativity and spirituality have helped me to be a better mother and allowed me to relate and resonate with other parents who often face a lot of stress and pressure. It’s been so important for me to create a life that includes my son, not to have my work and personal life completely separate. I took him to a Council meeting once! I talk about my journey as a parent often, as I feel it’s important to make people in similar situations to me know that they don’t need to feel shame.

My partner was arrested when my son was 3 weeks old, and has since been sentenced to 10 years suspended, and I went through a long family court battle to make sure my ex-partner had no contact with my son. I didn’t have a strong legal team like he did, so I had to really advocate for and believe in myself, which eventually paid off. This feeds into why I do what I do - I believe in the importance of women’s voices, of working through shame and stress as a collective and not hiding away emotions in difficult situations.

Hold my Beer

A Poem for Chelmsford by Rebecca Carter

Step into Chelmsford— Far more than a place, Instead, it’s a space, Not just where we live, But where we become

It’s not all shine— it’s concrete warmed by sun, bins rattling on early runs, the rhythm of buses, the stillness between shifts. The hearts in which this city lives.

Here, History doesn’t sit still— it shouts from the bricks of Shire Hall, waves ripple to open fields of Writtle We stand together, and tall.

Peruse our chartered Market, learn to barter With the masters

Who with their Unique charisma, Cast a new light

On our city’s hidden delights

In Hylands you’ll find quiet, but in the corners of Chelmer Village, of South Woodham Ferrers and Beaulieu, you’ll truly, find the heartbeat— the homes of families,

rearing future generations to bring their greatness to our streets.

This city is what you make it. Chelmsford, where you become the narrator.

Go to the river and don’t underestimate her, our longest standing resident. Easing you into soulful resonance, learning and growing, ebbing and flowing seemingly circular motions yet, undeniably expanding. Testing time, and withstanding, through exploration, dedication, to paving its own destination.

Commuting haven, central hub, I swear, we’re not making it up, it was always there. We just needed to switch up perceptions, look above, th en…

slow down, what’s the rush?

I urge you… to pause, to take it all in. There’s magic in the micro if, you choose to tune in.

CHELMSFORD’S GHOST PUBS

This month we’re indebted to OTE reader, Ian Howitt, who has kindly taken a stroll, or stagger, down Memory Lane to share his fond memories of a number of the city’s former pubs.

As a former resident of Chelmsford, I have read with interest your previous stories about the pubs of the City that sadly no longer exist. As someone who parted with a significant amount of my hard-earned cash over the bars of the various watering holes the town (as it was then) had to offer, I remember many of them with great affection.

Red Lion (Springfield Road) and The Alma (Arbour Lane)

Living in Springfield, a night in the Town usually started for my mates and I, in either the Red Lion in Springfield Road or The Alma. The Lion always seemed to be a busy pub, but recent journeys past the front doors reveal it now appears to be no longer trading.

The Alma Now demolished, and flats have been built in its place. This was a good pub, but for some reason, I never ventured in all that often. Partly this was because it was a regular haunt of prison officers, but why that put us off, I have no idea.

Over the Edge Global Reach

Photo One - Amy Creffield very kindly sent in her essential reading matter sat beside SkyPark Infinity Pool at Marina Bay Sands, Singapore, perched 191m above sea level.

Photo Two - We have Ian Croxson flying the flag and the magazine in Playa Carmen, Mexico. Bien hecho, Ian!

Photo Three –our regular reader –who wishes to remain anonymous – is seen here having Ha Long Soak in a tub overlooking Ha Long Bay, Vietnam.

Strangeways (Springfield Road)

Further down Springfield Road is another property that has now been converted to housing. Strangeways, previously known as the Essex Arms, was a lively boozer, and I recall the guvnor in there, whose name I think was Alan, being able to keep up very well with his regulars when it came to putting the pints away. It later became The Sitar restaurant.

Kings Arms (Moulsham Street)

Many a venture to the town meant a pub crawl up Moulsham Street, and many of the pubs still survive. The Kings Arms, however, is now a restaurant I believe called ‘Maisons’ and was a decent place. The resident DJ in the early 80s was a guy known as ‘Titch’, out of irony for his huge size. His collection of vinyl, however, was just as vast, with many an obscure record being produced when trying to catch him out. I don’t think we ever did, and gave up when ‘Mouldy Old Dough’ found its way onto his decks one night, about ten years after it had charted.

Uncle Sam’s

A huge bonus to the Moulsham Street Pub Crawl was that around 1985, maybe 86, the Miami Hotel opened a bar called Uncle Sam’s. The bonus was that, being attached to a hotel, it had a later finish, which meant when all the other pubs in Town shut at 11pm, Sam’s went on until midnight, which meant another hour’s valuable drinking time! Not to be sniffed at.

Bird in Hand (New Writtle Street)

As someone who used to venture to New Writtle Street regularly to watch Chelmsford City play, The Bird in Hand got a regular visit too. The guvnor there, Eric, amazed a few of us in there on one occasion when we complained the IPA tasted a bit off. He pulled himself a pint, sunk it and declared

it to be fine. What his guts were made of, I haven’t a clue, especially as when we tried another, it was still as rank as the previous one. Eric finished our pints and then remembered the pipes hadn’t been cleaned for a while. No wonder the place also shut, albeit many years later.

The New Barn (Kings Road) I also played football (badly) on a Sunday morning, and many a game ended up in the pub our opposition were named after. The Barn on Kings Road, now demolished, was a rarity in Chelmsford, being the only pub in the town where I entered and felt all eyes were on me as I wasn’t a regular. I know it attracted some unwanted attention nationally many years later, and it met its demise.

The Countryman (Victoria Road, where the retail park now stands)

This is the boozer that had everything. Market licence, which meant 6am opening on market days, a decent fry-up, a pint or cuppa to go with it, and interesting (for an 18-year-old) ‘cabaret’ acts (i.e. strippers) on a Friday lunchtime. What more could a young bloke want?

When I think back to those days, and along with the pubs that still exist, I think I was really lucky. We had some superb pubs in Chelmsford, and maybe time has made the memories a little rose-tinted, but I don’t think I appreciated just how good we had it back then. The aforementioned pubs, along with many others which still survive, The Tulip, The Golden Fleece, Dare I say The Prince of Orange, and of course Dukes, gave us plenty of options. And hangovers.

Ian Howitt

Collect your copy of at any of the following locations:

The White Hart, Little Waltham - The Galvin Green Man, Howe Street - Little Channels Bistro - Bang & OlufsenChannels Restaurant - Channels Café - Nationwide Building Soc - Rayleigh Hi-Fi - Park & Ride (Chelmer Valley & Sandon) - Moulsham News - Costa Coffee (Beaulieu, Riverside, Essex Regiment Way) - Coffee Squared, Beaulieu - Bond Street car park - Fête, Grays Yard - Mercedes, BMW/Mini, Land Rover & Audi showrooms - The Lion Inn, Boreham - Sainsbury’s Boreham - Longacres Garden Centre - NISA Sandford Rd - Tesco, Princes Rd - Miller & Carter - Fox & Raven - Co-Op, Bridge St, Writtle - 2MT Café, Roxwell Rd - The Ship - China City, Broomfield ParadeClaremont Garden Centre & The Tin Roof Café, Woodham Mortimer - The Royal Steamer - Jamaica Blue, Bond StACanteen, New London Rd - Mr Cavendish, Rainsford RdMeadow Croft Garden Centre, Battlesbridge - Toast - The Cricketers - Sandwich Plus, New St - Little Waltham Social Club & Doctors Surgery - The Hub Café, Warners FarmThe Rose of India, Rainsford Rd - Pontlands Park Hotel, Gt Baddow - The White Hart, Margaretting Tye - The Royal Tiger, Rettendon - The Vape Store, Broomfield ParadeTesco, Gt Notley Braintree - ASDA, Chelmer Village - The Riverside Inn - The Two Brewers - The Wheatsheaf - The Woolpack - O’Connor’s - United Brethren - The Orange Tree - The Queen’s Head - The Nags Head - The Railway Tavern - Morrisons, Maldon - Sainsbury’s, Chipping Ongar

The Take Away Wars

In the United Kingdom, 75% of the population use online ordering for their evening meals and over 50% use the many online systems for their grocery shopping. Countrywide, 530 cyber attacks occur each second, costing £15 billion annually, and without significant improvements in cyber security, the United Kingdom continues to remain vulnerable. So just imagine…..

It was Friday evening when the war started. I’d phoned the local Chinese restaurant to order my Friday night take-away and got the message, “The number you have dialled has not been recognised, please check and dial again.”

I checked my phone, checked the website and got the ‘Error 404’ message, and tried again, and once more heard the same message. It was the same with the local Indian restaurant, which repeated the identical message, “The number you have dialled has not been recognised, please check and dial again.”

‘Fine,’ I thought, ‘it’s Friday night – it’s takeaway night, so I’ll go for a pizza, but on ringing the local Italian pizzeria I got the same message, just as I did when I rang the various food delivery companies, Deliveroo, Just Eat, Uber Eats, and every time it was the same, ‘The number you have dialled has not been recognised, please check and dial again.’ Using the phone, iPad and laptop didn’t help as an ‘Error 404’ kept appearing on the various screens despite numerous attempts.

The news alert notification on my phone pinged and now announced, ‘Breaking news: cyber-hack takes down all UK take-away food delivery services – more to follow.’

The next news alert on the phone read: ‘Countrywide, the roads around many of the take-away and drive-thru restaurants have become badly congested and gridlocked as customers travel to personally order and pick up their Friday night take-away meals.’

The radio and television broadcasts were now interrupting their services, announcing the details of the cyber-hack and stating that the government would clarify the situation over the weekend, with the Minister of State for Food Security and Rural Affairs stating: “This threat to our country’s take-away industry is a monstrous act and must be quickly dealt with; it amounts to a declaration of war.”

It was Friday evening, and it was now impossible to get a take-away food delivery.

The following day, the cyber-hack had spread to the online grocery ordering facilities as their systems went down, and the problem extended to the petrol station forecourts as the card readers and pumps all failed. This was quickly followed by an attack on the major rail networks, which was now halting all train movements. All of this further compounded the traffic congestion, causing chaos on the roads all across the country, as the population travelled to various shops and supermarkets to try and stock up with food, petrol and other essential items.

On the Saturday afternoon, the e-ticketing facility of the entire Premiership, the Championship and most of the EFL clubs went down, as their digital entry facilities were hacked, and access to the stadiums became impossible. This caused near riots outside the numerous football grounds all over the country. The now overworked and overstretched police, who were already attempting to deal with the widespread traffic congestion, were unable to effectively deal with those thousands of angry football fans unable to gain entry to their various football stadiums, and the normally peaceful Saturday afternoon was now being overshadowed by riots and civil unrest.

The Home Secretary made an emergency statement via the multiple news networks asking for people to remain at home and clear the roads, stating: ‘These multiple attacks on the very fabric of our society indicate that foreign actors are trying to bring down the country through an attack on its most basic services such as the take away food industry and our beloved football stadiums, but the Government are now dealing with the problem and it would soon be resolved, “We ask for patience,” was the underlying message.

Old SilverGrey Surfer

On that Saturday evening, all streaming services to the UK, including the YouTube channels, were blocked, and the population could only access the few available terrestrial channels for their evening viewing, but ‘Match of the Day’ was still available on terrestrial BBC, showing the Premiership teams playing in front of near-empty stadiums.

It was Saturday evening, and it was still impossible to get a take-away food delivery.

By the end of the weekend, the air traffic control systems for the UK’s major airports, including all five London airports as well as Manchester, Edinburgh and Glasgow, had gone down, preventing all flights, both arrivals and departures.

It was now Sunday evening, and it was still impossible to get a take-away food delivery.

As Monday dawned and the supermarkets reopened, their shelves were now stripped bare as people rushed to stock up with food, but then the automated checkout systems failed, and the bar codes could not be read. Customers now had to endure queues of over two hours or more as the harassed supermarket workers had to slowly and manually check out all items being purchased. Tempers frayed as customers fought over food items and tried to cut the queues, and the supermarket security staff were now being overstretched and overwhelmed, as were the police. It seemed little could be done to calm the supermarket customers, and there was growing unrest throughout the country.

It was still impossible to get a take-away food delivery, and on top of that, the click and collect facility as well as supermarket home delivery services remained unavailable.

In an emergency statement on the Monday afternoon to a packed House of Commons, the Prime Minister stated that he, the Foreign Secretary and the Secretary of State for Defence were now in ‘dialogue’ with a number of foreign governments who were acting on behalf of those involved with the cyber hacks, ‘To reach a peaceful agreement to end this attack on the very fabric of our beloved country.’

The leader of the opposition pledged their support to the Prime Minister and the Government, ‘In this hour of need, when our country is being threatened with its very survival.’

By Tuesday morning, the supermarkets were empty, petrol was not being delivered to the station forecourts, the trains were not running, food deliveries were at a standstill, and the major airports were closed; and it was still impossible to get a take-away food delivery.

As the electricity grid now slowly shut down, an emergency declaration was made by the Prime Minister that afternoon, stating that, ‘An agreement had now been reached with a number of foreign powers and the Government was resigning to be replaced by a ‘Government of Unification’ whose members had been selected by these foreign powers, and a return to normality could now be slowly expected, and thankfully take-away food deliveries would restart in the next 24 hours.’

It had taken 5 days, and not a shot had been fired, to bring down the entire country, and it had all started with a cyber attack on the country’s take-away food industry.

All Change Please...

After a brief swap over, the gallery is back up and running

Artwork by JAG GILLAN www.jagart.co.uk

WhenI was trying to think of a heading for this article, I wanted to be positive and concise, and as the article is about change I thought about the railway announcement.

“All change please” is a familiar phrase from the railway - a signal that we have reached the end of one part of a journey and must move elsewhere before continuing. It felt like an appropriate title for the latest chapter in the story of Artists at the Meadows.

At the end of June, we said goodbye to our gallery space that had become our home within the Meadows Shopping Centre and moved into a new, somewhat smaller unit. It was a significant change and, as with any change of direction, it required all of us to adapt quickly.

But this is not the end of the journey.

Artists at the Meadows has always been about more than the particular unit we occupy. It is a collective of local artists, each bringing different ideas, experiences and ways of seeing the world. The walls may have changed and the available space may be smaller, but the creativity, variety and enthusiasm behind the gallery remain exactly where they were.

Our new space has presented an interesting creative challenge: how do we bring the same artists together in a smaller gallery. Artists are used to working within limitations, finding solutions and seeing possibilities where

others might see restrictions. The result is a more intimate gallery, filled with paintings, prints, photography, ceramics and other original work by local makers.

A smaller space also creates a different experience for visitors. The work sits more closely together, encouraging the eye to travel from one artist to another and revealing unexpected connections between very different styles. It feels busy, varied and alive—a snapshot of the breadth of creativity that exists within our local community.

Journeys are rarely completed in a straight line. There are stops, changes, delays and occasional diversions. Sometimes we travel comfortably; at other times we have to gather our belongings, step onto a different platform and work out where we are going next. What matters is that we keep moving.

For Artists at the Meadows, this move is one of those moments in time: a change of surroundings rather than a change of purpose. We still have somewhere within Chelmsford’s retail environment where original local art can be seen, enjoyed and purchased, and where visitors can meet the artists who created it.

So yes, it is all change at Artists at the Meadows - but the gallery is open, as is the scrap store, the artists are creating, and the journey continues.

We hope you will come along with us. Have a great month, Alistair Gillan.

‘Man on the Omnibus........still’Clapham

LINKED OUT

As regular readers know, just over a year ago I retired after forty-eight years, a career mostly spent in the city, in corporate life running teams for corporate bodies. With that comes the responsibility of abiding by big bank rules, which are far-reaching in terms of what is expected of behaviour. At the time of writing, the FCA is getting ready to implement a whole new set of rules for NFM or “non-financial misconduct”. Yup, Big Brother has got an even Bigger Brother! Your behaviour off the pitch, so to speak (as we bask in the unexpected victory over Mexico), is under scrutiny as never before; it’s not just having your fingers in the till now that will get you into trouble, it’s other things in other things too. Your employer will have a duty to report you to the authorities for being a dick after your employer has finished with you. Those rules extend to things like social media, posting daily etc. To write MOTCO, I had to get

very senior management approval to observe Chelmsford life in a thousand words or less! Those columns were monitored to make sure I wasn’t bringing the bank into disrepute, which is ironic as the bank I was working for had just been fined $1.1 BILLION for historical sanctions busting (allegedly and not admitted), but you see why it was important for compliance to read my words about tweed and ice cream!

With retirement, there is a lot of liberation from corporate restrictions and freedoms, not just from the tedious matter of getting up early every day! There is another monster that the business world has created, LinkedIn, and it must be fed. It started small but soon morphed into a crystal palace of naked and crushed ambitions. Like all social media platforms, it changed from an idealistic network connecting so-called professional people with each other. It developed its own language and behaviours that just added to the daily burden of working life. The phrase “I am proud to announce” is a metaphor for I have been promoted, you losers. In reality, the bank has moved you into a fictitious promotion and hopes you leave or die with boredom; you have been neutered and

This thing grew quicker than a teenage schoolboy’s mischief when faced with an empty house, a six-pack of beer and a nudey book. But of course, that brought in very big business who could smell the money, and so it was acquired by Microsoft, so even more of your data just got sucked in by Bill and the

But now, as you have gathered, I don’t have to subculture. I am free. is a “strategic leader in giraffe rehabilitation” or a “thought leader.” I thought of going to the pub first. Does that make me a “thought leader”? And of course, in this modern world, everybody is a “digital strategy professional”. This, of course, means I have downloaded all my office apps onto my phone, unlike the non-tech-savvy and am skiving in the pub. That last one is accurate! Of course, whether it’s a badger grooming specialist or market leader first mover into walrus shaving, every single one is “passionate” about it. I mean who is actually going to write “I like to turn up, do as little as possible, sack off as many meetings as possible because they’re mainly a waste of my time, I like to drink beer at lunchtimes and obviously clean out the stationary cupboard once a month, I am not as passionate about my work as my mortgage company is on me turning up every month for nearly five decades!”

line! Leaving Amalgamated Squirrel Grooming to join Olthwaite Rain Gauges Ltd means an Oscar-type speech thanking everyone for “a period of unprecedented personal growth” etc etc whilst saying how exciting the future looks in Rain Gauges over at the sewage works factory site. The M.O. means that even if your last employer was a rat-infested hellhole that treated you badly for years, you must just keep a foot in that camp as insurance whilst buttering up the new team. I learnt that lesson the hard way many years back. I ended up the equivalent of James Bond on the island in the crocodile farm; we both needed a bridge back pretty badly, so it sadly pays not to indulge in the highly pleasurable task of bridge burning. It’s a bit like this article; in city terms, I have burnt some bridges.

BlankedOut have also made it easy with generic ‘reply to’ buttons to make it easy for “alpha professionals” to just press the button to join the long list of identical responses to a post as bland as a plain cream cracker, and just as dry! My word limit does not allow me to get started on recruiters on SlippedUp!

Commenting on BlinkeredUp requires one to engage in the ultimate in corporate bullshit bingo, too. There is an obligation to comment on one another’s posts. All efforts by more than one person to change the office cat litter tray are exercises in “team culture”, “collaboration” and “growth hacking” in a round robin circle of digital fart sniffing. By the way, that last bit about digital fart sniffing I owe to a guy on Reddit. Whoever you are, my friend, it’s a great

Here’s the intellectual bit after my rant. LinkedIn likes to present itself as a professional networking platform. In truth, it behaves much more like a social ecosystem. It has norms, signals, hierarchies and tribes. It has applause. It has silence. And when you find yourself between roles, it can quietly become something else entirely: a place where you steady yourself while everything else is shifting, but also a place of hope and despair. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs reminds us that belonging is not a soft extra but a central component of human wellbeing. Beyond our basic physiological and safety needs, we seek connection, respect, self-esteem, status and recognition as part of healthy psychological functioning. In a positive employment experience, work provides many of these in quiet, everyday ways. It offers shared purpose, social contact and ongoing feedback that reinforces competence. When employment shifts or disappears, those needs do not vanish with it. They remain, looking for somewhere to land. But it is all of that and nothing at the same time, and saps your energy having to behave in a certain way that is alien to normal life.

I did try bragging once that three companies were after me, trouble is, it was the gas, electric and car finance!

This has been a facilitated cross-departmental alignment using cutting-edge leveraged technologies that will cultivate high-impact stakeholder engagement, which will drive organisational transformation.

I still have a way to go to be free!

Yours aye,

Moana (Live Action)

The original animated Moana is a perennial favourite in our household. It has a great story, it looks amazing, and the songs are superb. And it is only ten years old, with its sequel only coming out less than two years ago. Therefore, of all the ‘live action’ remakes Disney could plunder from their back catalogue, this is the most baffling of all.

I understand why Disney keeps releasing these expensive remakes. For the most part, they make a lot of money. Recently, Lilo & Stitch made over a billion dollars, and before that, The Lion King, Aladdin and The Jungle Book all made piles of cash through box office receipts and the opportunity to sell more branded merchandise. However, the relentless pursuit to remake their animated classics has also produced some real duds. The Little Mermaid underwhelmed. Snow White was critically and commercially rejected. And Pinocchio, which was ignominiously dumped onto Disney+, is one of the worst movies ever made.

At the time of writing, this Moana has been rejected by audiences and looks to be a huge box office bomb for the House of Mouse, and it’s easy to see why. It’s the same story as the original, only it’s worse in every way. For starters, it looks terrible. This isn’t really live action, as the majority of it is CGI. It’s dark and murky, missing the vibrant colours of the animated version. It’s become clichéd to say it, but despite its huge budget and no doubt many talented people working on it, the film looks like it was generated by AI.

The acting is worse. Yes, The Rock is back as Maui, but clearly the animators were doing a lot of the heavy lifting previously, giving Maui real character. Now, we just have Dwayne Johnson in a ludicrous wig, showing about as much expression as a statue.

Because Moana has such a good story with such great songs, you can squeeze some enjoyment out of this. But why not just re-watch the superior original instead?

Mona (2026) is in cinemas now.

The Invite

After nearly derailing her career by having an affair with Harry Styles and the critical mauling of her last film, Don’t Worry Darling, Olivia Wilde is back, starring in and directing this scabrous chamber piece about the death rattle of a marriage and the social nightmare of a dinner party with people you don’t know.

Olivia Wilde and Seth Rogen play a couple who constantly bicker, and whose relationship frailties are further exposed when the dynamic and sexually charged couple, played by Edward Norton and Penélope Cruz, are invited over for cheese and wine.

It’s a simple set-up, with just the four actors taking centre stage, so the film relies on having a sharp script to keep the momentum going, which thankfully it does, as the audience squirms through uncomfortable conversations and cringe-inducing revelations.

Overall, this is a pretty entertaining and grown-up drama, the likes of which we often don’t get to appreciate in cinemas these days. Indeed, Olivia Wilde rejected the advances of Netflix to ensure this had a full theatrical release. My only gripe is that it’s hard to take Olivia Wilde seriously in a role where she plays a downtrodden and mousy wife. She is, after all, one of

the hottest actresses around. Far better cast is Penélope Cruz, who at 52 looks unbelievable and oozes sexuality as the alluring and mischievous Pina. Perhaps an early one to look out for at next year’s Oscars?

The Invite is on limited release in cinemas now

Minions & Monsters

I didn’t care much to see this, the seventh instalment in the longrunning Despicable Me/ Minions franchise. And its director didn’t care much to make it originally either, saying he had no interest in doing any more of these films. But he was talked into it after seeing the script, and I’m glad he did—and that I saw it.

This is less just another Minions movie and more a homage to classic cinema and 1950s sci-fi movies. So, just my cup of tea then. Set in 1920s Hollywood, the Minions want to make a horror movie, so they inadvertently summon all kinds of monsters that cause havoc.

Celebrating the likes of Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton, this is endless slapstick comedy that will provide plenty of laughs for kids, as well as lots of hidden jokes for the discerning cinephile, including a Citizen Kane fart joke. And at just 90 minutes, you can’t go wrong, really. Bananas!

Minions & Monsters is in cinemas now

Evil Dead Burn

In a wildly violent first ten minutes, we see some poor guy get sliced up with fishing wire and hooks, another boiled alive in a lake, and a third meeting a toasty end in a car fire. And all of this before the opening title even appears. This film is not messing about when it comes to delivering gruesome horror. Unfortunately, it can’t deliver much else.

The Evil Dead franchise has a convoluted history, as messy as the blood and guts the series spills across the screen. The 1981 film The Evil Dead was banned in the UK for several years under the strict Obscene Publications Act. Nevertheless, the film gained a cult following and earned a sequel in 1987, which was a sort of quasi-remake of the original, trading the gritty brutality of that film for a more slapstick comedy approach in the vein of a live-action Tom and Jerry cartoon.

Army of Darkness, a bigger-budget medieval adventure romp set in the 1300s, the bonkers third film completing this trilogy. The series then lay dormant until Fede Álvarez unleashed his grim reimagining in 2013. We then had Evil Dead Rise ten years later, which was memorable for both a striking performance by Alyssa Sutherland as a creepy Deadite and a wince-inducing encounter with a cheese grater.

Evil Dead Burn follows on directly from that film but also works as a standalone story. All previous films have had some naïve schmuck read from the Book of the Dead, which in turn summons particularly spiteful demons known as Deadites. This is the first film to dispense with that tradition, instead having the discovery of a demondefeating weapon known as the Kandarian Dagger trigger the Deadites’ hunt for it. Firmly in their sights is a dysfunctional family grieving the loss of their son, Will, whilst the now-widowed Alice struggles to be accepted into the family fold. As the Deadites start messing with

them, more fractures are exposed, and loyalties are tested. Somewhere there’s an interesting idea here about family tensions and hidden secrets being the real enemy, but it never fully explores them and instead turns into a splatterfest that gets sillier as it goes on. It’s also quite mean-spirited, with a line crossed when it comes to the fate of the family dog. You can gruesomely kill off as many vacuous and unlikeable people making poor decisions as you like, but killing off the dog is a step too far.

Evil Dead Burn is on limited release in cinemas and available to rent or buy this August.

Rose of Nevada

Director and writer Mark Jenkin certainly doesn’t follow the rule book. A filmmaker from Cornwall, he shoots on a clockwork camera and adds all the sound and speech during post-production, creating a truly unique filmmaking style that won’t be for everybody. His stubbornly analogue approach is like a cold drink in an endless desert of digital overload.

I first came across his work during lockdown with his debut feature, Bait, set in a struggling Cornish fishing village, which completely bowled me over with its raw filmmaking approach.

Rose of Nevada is his third feature, but the first to feature genuine Hollywood stars in the form of Callum Turner (One Night Only, Eternity) and George MacKay (1917, The Beast), as two broke men who take a job on a mysterious fishing boat, the titular Rose of Nevada. The boat disappeared years ago, but now it’s back, minus its crew. It’s like Event Horizon, only without any demons on board.

Desperate for cash, they accept a local businessman’s offer to take the boat out again, working under the guidance of a grizzled sea captain who has no name and seemingly operates within a different plane of existence. What happened to the boat, and will it disappear again?

Rose of Nevada is a wonderfully dreamlike, perhaps nightmarish trip that journeys through time, space and philosophical musings without giving its audience any hand-holding whatsoever. You are either on board from the start or jumping ship early, and I am firmly in the former camp.

Rose of Nevada is available to buy on Blu-ray or watch on BFI Player this August

I

Dillied, I Dallied… and Now I Can’t Find My Way Home!

I have just returned from a trip to Frinton. How I got there and back is a miracle in itself. I feel like I have crossed mountains, ploughed through riverbanks and made it through umpteen traffic lights. Let’s just say Scott of the Antarctic had an easier journey than us. Not because Frinton has moved. It hasn’t. Although after the journey we had, I was beginning to think someone had picked it up overnight and relocated it somewhere near the Outer Hebrides.

The trouble started about twenty minutes into the journey. The sat nav died. Not gradually. It just decided to snuff it there and then. One minute it was confidently announcing, “At the

roundabout, take the second exit.” The next minute...silence. Black screen. Gone. It just gave up on life.

Now, I don’t know about you, but somewhere over the last twenty years, I’ve completely forgotten how people travelled before technology. Apparently, there was a time when families crossed the entire country armed with nothing more than an AA Road Atlas the size of a dining table and someone shouting, “It’s the next left... no... the other left!”

People even travelled around London with an A–Z tucked under their arm. Whatever happened to that?

We eventually found an old paper map buried in the boot of the car, last opened sometime around 1994. Honestly, the pages unfolded like origami. By the time we’d finished wrestling with it, we’d invaded the back seat and nearly strangled each other with Lincolnshire. There were bits of map everywhere.

Reading a road map should qualify as an Olympic sport. It usually ends with one person crying and another trying to keep the peace with the diplomatic skills of Kofi Annan.

Naturally, the arguments started.

“I told you that was the turning.” “No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“No, you said bear left.”

“Well, you didn’t bear anything.”

“I did!”

“You absolutely did not.”

By now, we’d probably driven another twenty miles while discussing who was responsible for driving the previous twenty. Which got me thinking, as I passed the Toys

“R” Us roundabout in Ipswich for the fourth time... How on earth did the Vikings manage?

Seriously. They crossed entire oceans in wooden boats. No Google Maps. No satellite navigation. No voice calmly saying, “In five hundred yards... pillage the monastery.” All this ‘Roo!’ chanting nonsense and people rowing during the World Cup. Can you imagine it?

“Erik... I think we’ve gone too far.”

“No, we haven’t.”

“We passed England three fjords ago.”

“You roo’ed too much.”

“No, we didn’t.”

“I roo’ed to the left.”

“I told you we should’ve roo’ed right at Iceland.”

And don’t get me started on the Romans. Thousands of soldiers marching in perfect formation. Imagine the centurion suddenly stopping.

“Hang on...”

“I think this is Chelmsford.”

“No, sir... Broomfield was the third exit at Stoneybank.”

“Right then... turn the entire army round.”

That must have been awkward. Mind you, perhaps we haven’t evolved quite as much as we think. Take garden furniture. Do you remember when everyone had those cheap white plastic chairs? They lived outside permanently. Summer. Winter. Snow. Hail. The odd football smacking into them and next door’s dog chewing the legs.

It didn’t matter. Someone always sat down a little too enthusiastically, and another leg buckled. The table blew across the garden every October, and nobody cared. If it got dirty, you attacked it with a bucket of hot, soapy water and a stiff yard brush. Job done.

Now? Garden furniture costs more than my first car. People don’t own patio sets anymore. They own outdoor lounges. Designer cushions.

Weatherproof throws. Coffee tables made from something called sustainable Scandinavian composite teak. There’s usually an outdoor kitchen, a fire pit and enough mood lighting to guide a galactic spaceship home.

And heaven help anyone who turns up with a glass of Merlot. “No! Not over there! That’s the £4,000 corner sofa!”

The minute a cloud appears, there’s a panic usually reserved for natural disasters.

“Quick! Get the covers!” Everyone rushes outside in perfect formation, wrapping furniture in waterproof blankets like they’re evacuating royalty. Meanwhile, Nan’s still sitting there saying, “It’s only drizzle.”

No, it’s three days sitting in a queue trying to speak to an AI chatbot before making an insurance claim.

Sometimes I think life has become wonderfully complicated. We have satellites floating above our heads telling us exactly where we are... Until they don’t.

We spend thousands making our gardens look like boutique hotels... Then spend the whole summer worrying they’ll get wet.

Perhaps we had it right all along. A paper map. A plastic chair. A flask of tea. And absolutely no idea where we were going.

Mind you... Somehow, we always got there in the end.

Totally Tracie