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Editorial Consultant: Phil Claydon phil.overtheedge@gmail.com
PA and Admin:
Paula Specketer paula@overtheedgemag.co.uk
“The Edgy Editorial”
Welcome to the April edition of Over the Edge magazine.
The magazine seems to be settling down to between 40 and 48 pages now. Up from 32 pages when we took it over. We always aim to achieve a 50/50 split between editorial content and advertising. The former ensures that you keep picking up the magazine, and the latter pays the bills! We begin the production process for each month’s magazine on the 1st of the preceding month, and we often have 80% of the advertising in place by then, thanks to repeat advertisers. Those advertisers are always given the opportunity to secure their page space first before other advertisers are sought. Typically, we only have the challenge of filling three or four pages every month. We mention this because it will not be long before all advertising is allocated, and there will no longer be space for new advertisers!
So, get in fast!! It might become a private members club!! Past and present advertisers always get the first option to take up space, and when it’s gone, it’s gone!
In other news, we have been approached by a political party asking us to insert their leaflets into the magazine ahead of the forthcoming local elections. Over the Edge is a nonpolitical publication, but we’re happy to insert your business leaflets into the magazine, no matter where you sit in
terms of political allegiance. We put out 10,000 magazines, with 2,000 of those going directly through letterboxes. We can provide a detailed road map of the areas that we cover, but they include Beaulieu, Channels, Springfield, the Walthams, Moulsham Street and New London Road in addition to the distribution points listed on page 34. If you produce your own leaflets, we can have these inserted for you, or alternatively, our printer can print and insert them for you. Enquiries please to graham@overtheedgemag.co.uk
Last month, we ran a competition for two free tickets for The Irish House Party, a traditional song and dance celebration, dating back to the early 19th century. It was performed live on stage at The Chelmsford Theatre on 10th March. We had 281 entries in just 9 days, and the winner, drawn at random from a traditional Irish cocked hat, was regular reader Craig Fletcher. We will try to get a few words from Craig for the next edition. Our thanks to Jill Lerner of James H Soars Media Services www.jamessoars.com who very kindly donated the prize.
Well, I think that just about covers everything. Let’s hope April brings warmer weather.
Deaks - Over the Edge graham@overtheedgemag.co.uk
We took a trip to Brazil in December, grateful to escape the dragging gloom of a British winter for a welcome blast of Southern Hemisphere sunshine. What lingers with the faded tan is the friendliness of the people. Brazilians always seem ready with a smile, an easy warmth that immediately puts visitors at ease.
Our first stop was Rio de Janeiro, and a stay in the relaxed seaside neighbourhood of Leme, a short stroll from the world-famous Copacabana Beach. From the rooftop bar of our hotel, we enjoyed sweeping views across Leme beach and, looking inland, the densely packed hillside favelas climbing into the distance — a reminder that social contrasts are part of the city’s fabric.
Like many first-time visitors, we’d heard warnings about safety. In reality, we never once felt any concern for our personal safety or the security of our possessions. We did, however, heed the advice given by a taxi driver when we arrived. His message was simple and delivered with a friendly smile: dress like the locals and avoid anything flashy. So, in the evenings, we happily adopted the Rio dress code of
BRAZIL
flip-flops, shorts and T-shirts, fitting for a tropical climate and allowing us to blend in comfortably with the relaxed vibe of the beachfront neighbourhoods.
Each morning we joined the early risers on the sweeping oceanfront promenade, heading out for a run before the temperatures soared and the city stirred into life. Rio takes fitness seriously. The “beautiful people” were out in force: bronze-skinned runners and cyclists, beach volleyball players, footballers effortlessly juggling a ball, and countless fitness classes taking place on the sand. We did our best to look cool and part of the scene.
One morning I ventured a little further by hiring a bike from the Bike Itaú scheme and cycling the famous coastal route from Leme along the promenade past Copacabana Beach to Ipanema and back. Astrud Gilberto’s famous song about the local girl played insistently as my earworm while I rode along watching Atlantic rollers crashing onto the beach and the city slowly stirring into life. Definitely one of those never to be forgotten travel moments that perfectly captures the spirit of a place.
Evenings were more leisurely. As the heat subsided and dusk settled over the Atlantic, we often found ourselves at one of the beach bars enjoying a cold beer or a refreshing caipirinha. One discovery soon became our culinary “happy place”: Joaquina, an elegant restaurant overlooking Leme beach. With attentive service, excellent cocktails and a wonderfully comforting filet mignon picadinho, it became a favourite spot to linger over dinner as the seafront transitioned into nightlife mode.
No visit to Rio is complete without
experiencing the city’s famous viewpoints. Travelling up the mountain on the Corcovado rack railway to the towering Christ the Redeemer statue was pretty special. Standing beside the immense figure with its arms stretched across the city, gazing out over sea, forest and mountains, is unforgettable. It clearly carries a deep spiritual significance for many visitors who gather there. Equally spectacular were the panoramic views from Sugarloaf Mountain, reached by its famous cable car, while the colourful tiled steps of Escadaria Selarón provided a quirky and artistic corner of the city to explore.
After a few exhilarating days in Rio we set off on a 180-kilometre drive east to the resort town of Armação dos Búzios, crossing the vast Rio–Niterói Bridge along the way. If Rio is exhilarating and slightly chaotic, Búzios feels altogether more relaxed. Once a quiet fishing village, it gained international attention in the 1960s when Brigitte Bardot began visiting, and today it is sometimes referred to as the “St Tropez of Brazil”.
Perched on a peninsula and surrounded by more than twenty beaches, Búzios provided the perfect contrast and an ideal place to wind down during the final days of our trip. We were fortunate to stay in a small boutique hotel overlooking one of the tranquil bays. Days were spent ambling through lively streets filled with shops, art galleries, cafés and restaurants, or simply admiring the views across the sparkling water.
One afternoon we spent a wonderfully lazy few hours on Praia da Ferradura, a gently curving bay where the calm water makes it perfect for swimming and lingering over cold drinks at the beach bars. Bardot may have helped put Búzios on the international map, but she was not the only icon bringing a touch of glamour to the town. While relaxing on the sand, we were served drinks by a rather laid-back full-costume Spider-Man. Even superheroes have to make a living apparently!
And so our Brazilian escape sadly came to an end. Yet what stayed with us was the warmth of both the sunshine and the people. We returned to the depths of a British winter reassured that somewhere in the world the sun is always shining, a cold drink beckons, and that some places leave a lasting glow.
WON’T PASS THIS WAY AGAIN
The Literary Corner
by Kat de Naoum
So, last month I told you all about my audiobook dramatisation obsession, and the fanaticism continues. I’m currently on what can only be described as the biggest Agatha Christie trip known to man. In addition to diving headfirst into anything and everything she wrote (66 detective novels, 14 short-story collections containing more than 150 stories, and over 20 plays… but you know, who’s counting or obsessing? Certainly not me), I’ve also become fascinated by the woman behind the stories. Did you know that Ms Christie was 36 before she had her big literary breakthrough with The Murder of Roger Ackroyd in 1926? The novel shocked, stunned, and delighted readers with one of the cleverest twists ever written, and suddenly everyone was talking about her. I’ve made the book this month’s Oldie but Goodie, firstly because it’s quite frankly brilliant, and secondly as a reminder that it’s never too late to follow your dreams, à la Agatha. Another impressive Christie achievement is The Mousetrap, which opened in London’s West End in 1952. It is the longest-running play in the world and is still a fixture of London theatre almost 75 years later. It has surpassed 30,000 performances, and over 10 million people have seen it in London
Book of the Month — April 2026
The Guest List (2020) Lucy Foley
Granted, no one can quite fill Agatha Christie’s shoes, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t some excellent crime and thriller writers keeping us up at night nowadays. Some of my personal favourites include Gillian McAllister, Harlan Coben, and Lisa
Jewell, ever since she turned all psychological thriller on us. Others include Richard Osman, whose older generation of amateur sleuths solving murders is probably the closest people can get to Marple and Poirot. I also recommend Lucy Foley, and if you haven’t yet read The Guest List, you really must get on it.
The book starts with a glamorous wedding on a remote Irish island, where a stylish magazine editor is marrying a rising television star. The setting is picture-perfect: dramatic cliffs, crashing waves, and an exclusive guest list of carefully curated friends and family. But as the celebrations unfold, tensions begin simmering. Old grudges and buried secrets come to the fore, and then someone inevitably turns up dead. More than one person seems to have a motive, so you’re always guessing, something made even more intense as each chapter shifts character perspective, with each of them having something to hide. The dark, brooding setting only adds to the intensity as a massive storm cuts the island off from the mainland. It’s eerily delicious, and I feel that Christie would approve.
Here’s your friendly reminder to download the BorrowBox and Essex Library Services apps on your phone or tablet (Android and iPhone) for eBooks and audiobooks. It’s free and instant. What’s not to love?
alone. People travel from all over the world to watch it, partly because of its famous tradition: audiences are asked not to reveal the ending so the mystery stays intact for future viewers. Look at us Brits, quietly keeping secrets for the sake of the arts. Hashtag impressed. If you’re wondering why it hasn’t yet been turned into fifty thousand films, series, and remakes, that’s because there’s a contract preventing any screen adaptation until six months after the West End production closes. Somewhere, I imagine, there’s a small army of screenwriters sitting on their tatty, dog-eared scripts, twiddling their thumbs, patiently waiting… For those of you worrying about what happens when I inevitably run out of Christie (a terrifying thought, honestly), the Christie estate has authorised contemporary crime writer Sophie Hannah to continue writing new Hercule Poirot mysteries. I’m told they’re excellent, and I fully intend to start them once I’ve worked my way through Christie’s originals. Although I’m Christie-ing hard, I haven’t fully abandoned other scriveners. But since I’m clearly in a sleuthing mood, the BOTM is Lucy Foley’s The Guest List, which you’ll be pleased to note superbly fulfils that whodunit urge.
Oldie but Goodie
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd Agatha Christie
What has impressed me most about Christie’s mysteries is how she manages to pack so many characters into one story, each of them fully formed and alive with their own personalities, secrets, and backstories. And yet she does it in such a way that you’re
never confused about who’s who or where they belong. The only confusion is exactly where it should be… wondering who the heck dunnit. Written 100 years ago, The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, not her first novel, but the one that got her fully into the novelist hall of fame, has all the same ingredients. Just like the characters, the plot is complex yet meticulously constructed. It’s never simply “this person killed that person because of suchand-such motive.” Instead, you’re on a rollercoaster of clues, suspicions, and reversals… a total masterclass of misdirection and gotchas. Just when you think you’ve cracked it... nope!
The story is, like most Christies, quaintly English, set in a quiet little village. Wealthy Roger Ackroyd is found murdered in his study shortly after another mysterious death in the community. Plenty of villagers are hiding secrets and motives, so the recently retired Hercule Poirot steps in to investigate. Another impressive Christie-ism? The story is just as readable today as it was back then (sure, a few things haven’t aged well in some of her tales, but ’tis to be expected a century later).
About Kat
Kat de Naoum (BA (Hons) Eng Lit & Phil, MA Creative Writing) is a writer/author, editor, mother, and avid reader. Since starting out as a staff writer at a local London paper in 1999, Kat has written for many print and online outlets. When she’s not parenting she’s immersed in a book (in any format).
A little time on tax planning today, so more of your legacy reaches the people you love tomorrow.
The levels and bases of taxation and reliefs from taxation can change at any time and are dependent on individual circumstances.
So I’m going to start this month’s update with a little personal one from me...
Last month I took part in the Strictly Air Ambulance competition, raising money for Essex & Herts Air Ambulance and I am delighted to
th
It has been an amazing journey, learning to dance over the last 4 months. My fabulous dance partner, Martin Adkins, showed me nothing but encouragement and patience and the whole experience was something I’ll never forget! I’m also really proud to share that along the way we raised just under £5,500 so a massive thank you to everyone who donated and supported us throughout.
If anyone reading this has the opportunity to take part in the future, my advice to you... DO IT!
On 11 April in the city centre, you can expect to see a jam-packed lineup of TV, film and comic book inspired attractions including show cars, costume competition, cosplay, activities and workshops and the return of our fire and lego walk.
This fan fav event, in conjunction with Essex Cosplayers, raises vital funds for the wonderful Little Havens Hospice and last year we hit over £20,000. What will 2026 bring??? We cannot wait to see you there!
Get in touch with me either on: Instagram @_saratupper_ or email sara@chelmsfordforyou.co.uk Now back to Chelmsford! April is bringing the return of one of our favourite events... The Chelmsford Takeover!
Design Inspiration for the Population
There is a particular kind of silence that belongs to rural Italy. It is not the stillness of rest or retreat, but the quiet left behind when people have gone and not returned. Across hills, valleys, and mountains, entire villages sit emptied of daily life. Hamlets once shaped by routine, labour, celebration, and grief now stand partially collapsed, their shutters closed, their streets slowly surrendered to grass and weather. These placI encounter them often. Driving through regions I know well, villages appear without warning, a church tower, a cluster of stone houses, a piazza without chairs or voices. Nothing dramatic announces their abandonment. There are no fences, no plaques, no explanation. Just absence, measured
As a designer, I am trained to respond instinctively to emptiness. An empty space usually signals opportunity. It asks to be filled, activated, resolved. In most professional contexts, absence is framed as a problem. Yet standing in front of these villages, I feel the opposite impulse. The absence is already doing the work. It is communicating something precise and fragile, a record of departure,
Design is often described as the act of making. But some of the most powerful design decisions are acts of restraint. Knowing when not to build, when not to restore, when not to overwrite an existing narrative, is as much a design skill as proportion or material choice. Absence, when left
Crispiero has taught me this slowly. It is not my family village (that is in the south), but it has become a place of person-
s churches were damaged and closed. For years, they stood together in silence, locked, fractured, unresolved. More recently, one of them, the larger and newer church (c1830) has been reopened. It now functions again, hosting services, marking time, offering a sense of continuity to those who remain. The older (c1740) and smaller church, however, remains closed. Its doors are still locked. Its fabric is beginning to decline. The contrast between the two is striking, and deeply instructive.
What has emerged is not a simple story of recovery, but a layered one. One building repaired and returned to use. The other suspended, caught between memory and neglect. The reopened church represents survival and pragmatism. The closed one carries something heavier, a record of what cannot be easily saved, or perhaps has not been deemed worth saving. This is absence not as failure, but as consequence, the visible outcome of economic and cultural decisions, priorities set elsewhere, and resources deliberately withheld. It deserves to be read for what it reveals, not corrected simply to ease our discomfort.
Cities and the Fear of Emptiness | In cities, we are far less comfortable with this condition. Absence is treated as something to fix. A gap must be filled. A void must be activated. A scar must be covered.
London reveals this anxiety clearly. After the Blitz, some spaces were rebuilt immediately, others remained empty for decades. Voids shaped the city as much as the buildings that replaced them. They became breathing spaces in the urban fabric, reminders of loss that resisted erasure. Rome approaches this differently. Ruins are not corrected, they are accommodated. Broken walls are allowed to remain broken. Layers are left visible. The city accepts incompleteness as part of its spatial language. Design there is not about perfection, but coexistence with time. This is not nostalgia. It is spatial intelligence
continued
The Ethics of Restraint | As designers, we are often complicit in erasing difficult stories. We smooth, polish, repurpose, and rebrand until memory becomes decorative. In doing so, we replace friction with comfort and complexity with coherence. Yet absence carries information. An empty building tells you about migration, economics, faith, neglect, and change, more honestly than any restored surface.
Filling it quickly replaces complexity with convenience and resolution with reassurance, allowing us to feel productive without accountability. The urge to intervene is understandable, but not always responsible. Design that ignores context risks noise rather than meaning.
Some spaces should remain empty because they tell a bigger story of what was there before, and allow people to imagine former glory, rather than replacing it with something new and without meaning. Imagination, after all, is a design material. When space is left unresolved, it invites reflection rather than consumption, asking us to pause rather than participate.
Responsibility in n Practice | This question has become unavoidable in my own work. Not every project needs to assert itself. Not every space needs a signature. Sometimes the most responsible act is to step back and let context speak.
Restraint is not the absence of ambition - It is the discipline of alignment.
Good design doesn’t always arrive with noise. Sometimes it arrives quietly, through decisions not taken, space left untouched, through the acceptance that meaning already exists and does not require reinforcement.
, Design, and the P
of the
| Artists understand this instinctively when they cross into design. Sculptors who use void as form. Land artists who shape space through subtraction rather than addition. In those moments, art stops being an object and becomes a condition. It designs experience rather than surface.
The most resonant works do not demand attention through excess, but through calibration. They guide movement, perception, and pause, allowing the viewer to become aware of space itself. Absence is not passive. It is composed, measured, and deliberate, directing focus as precisely as any material gesture.
The same principle applies to architecture and interiors. Space does not need to be filled to be active. Silence can be structured. Absence can be intentional, and when handled with care, becomes the most articulate element of design.
Leaving Room | Walking through abandoned villages, I am reminded that design is not only about projecting futures, but about acknowledging what has already happened. These places do not ask to be saved. They ask to be understood.
The measure of absence is not how much is missing, but how carefully what remains is allowed to speak. In learning to listen to these silent spaces, I have begun to see design less as an act of control and more as an act of care. Care for memory, care for truth & care for stories that cannot survive if we rush too quickly to replace them.
Sometimes, leaving space becomes the most meaningful design decision.
Thanks for reading
| Design Dude | Inspiration for the Population
| Email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com
A deserted town, atop a hill, in central Italy
Art
ower
Void
Andy Harragan & Sons Ltd
RUBBER CRUMB
BLOCK PAVING
Feels Too Far There’sAway… Always Bingo Loco When
FESTIVAL SEASON
The concept is simple enough at first. You sit down with a bingo card, a drink in hand and the vague innocence that you’re about to play a sensible game. That illusion firmly dissipates within the first seven minutes. The room erupts into dance-offs, the best 30 seconds of throwback songs that blast you back to the ‘90s. Hundreds of grown adults jump around as if they’re front row at a festival rather than holding bingo dabbers, desperate to hear the caller shout ‘Two Fat Ladies’. There’s singing. There’s lip-syncing. And there is most certainly dancing on tables.
Can we talk prizes for a moment? No bingo hall would be complete without a treat for the owner of the first Full House, and Bingo Loco is no different. Forget a cute little hamper, a bottle of wine or if you’re really lucky, maybe even a £20 Next voucher. At Bingo Loco, you might win anything from a Henry Hoover (other vacuum brands are, of course, available) to something that looks suspiciously like it belongs in the “novelty gifts you cannot even possibly begin to explain to your mum” category, a six-foot stuffed unicorn, an air fryer or maybe even an inflatable flamingo. And let’s face it, that’s only half the fun.
The real magic of Bingo Loco is that it scratches a very particular itch. When winter has dragged its heels for a bit too long, festival season still
feels miles away, and you just want a night where everyone collectively forgets about being sensible grown-ups with mortgages and a Morrisons More Card for a little while.
The music is loud, the energy is high, and before you know it, the whole room is dancing like it’s the middle of August rather than a chilly postwinter but pre-summer evening. We temporarily get our festival fix without the mud, the camp beds and the portable toilets that we try to get around without visiting for three solid days.
And the bingo itself? Well, that does technically happen as well. It’s carefully positioned somewhere between the dance-offs, the confetti cannons, the spontaneous sing-alongs, and the deeply dubious prize reveals. It’s safe to say the numbers are only part of the story.
Because when someone finally shouts “Bingo!” and every colour of glitter rains down from the ceiling, it’s a buzz that is hard to ignore. So, until the fields flood with tents and we’re queuing at the festival gates again, Bingo Loco has helped to keep our festival spirit alive. Even if it did end up going home with a vacuum cleaner.
Jasmin Albon Over the Edge
The night out that sits somewhere between a bingo hall, a nightclub and a festival tent
For anyone currently staring at their festival tickets wondering how on earth they’re supposed to wait until summer, we’ve found a surprisingly effective solution.
It involves bingo. Technically. But not the quiet, polite, dab-your-number-and-sip-a-cup-of-tea kind your nan enjoys on a Wednesday afternoon with dear Doris from down the road and her friends from choir. This is Bingo Loco, and it’s less about numbers and more about the completely unexpected night after we’ve all innocently told our partners, “Babe, we’re just popping to bingo with the girls”. If bingo ever got a spray tan, some false eyelashes and a Spotify subscription, it would probably look something like this.
Imagine a nightclub, a bingo hall and a festival dance tent all colliding into one wild evening. That’s roughly where you end up.
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Hello folks
Do you like my Deaks column photo? It’s the latest internet craze, apparently, powered by AI, of course, whereby you tell the app to show you and your loved ones cartoon style, surrounded by the things in your life. The little ones are my beautiful grandchildren, Lachlan, Aurora and Jesse. I have Jasmin, who writes for you on page 14 in this magazine, to thank for this. It would be way beyond my capabilities to create something like this! Thanks Jazz.
Last month was March, and I got my first welldeserved state pension payment and a bus pass! Yep, I’ve reached that age when I actually get something back from the government after paying in since I was 16 years old. I now intend to live beyond one hundred years just so that I get every penny back that I’m due!
It’s a weird feeling because I never thought I’d make it to the retirement age. My father died at 54, and I had always been resigned to exiting this world at the same age. I’ve lived a very full life, a wonderful life, and I am very grateful, and I just figured it would all catch up with me one day. But, hey, here I am still loving life and looking forward to another 40 years! I jest, of course, not a chance!
Is it normal to start contemplating your own mortality at this stage of your life? I often do. Google tells me that a healthy life expectancy
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for a man in the UK is 78 years. So, I have 12 years left? Sod that, I take vitamin tablets and a Berroca fizz every morning, that’s gotta give me a few extra years surely. I’m going to bank on 80 years, and then I’ll reassess. Hopefully.
I think my biggest concern is the prospect of losing my faculties. My mum died at 91, and she lived with dementia for the last 7/8 years of her life; it was heartbreaking to watch. I don’t want to go through that, and I never want to go into a home. Are you reading this, kids? When I don’t know what day it is, you have the power of attorney, stick me on a plane to Belgium, or the Netherlands, yeah actually definitely the Netherlands, as I’ve never been to the Netherlands before, for a quick jab and be done with it.
I really hope I keep my mind and I do not become a burden to my family. I have a plan to avoid this, as you would expect. If it looks likely that I am going to be put into a home, I shall go out and commit a crime. I won’t hurt anyone, it’ll just be a misdemeanour that will surely get me locked up for the rest of my life. OK, I might need to hurt someone. In prison, I will get a couple of showers a day, CCTV surveillance in case I get into difficulty, three good meals a day, access to a library, computers, TV, a gym, doctors on-site and medication. All free. Reasonably good company too, I expect.
Compare that to a care home, where it will be cold meals, lights out at 7pm, a bed bath once a week, grumpy neighbours and my inheritance will be depleted by ten grand every month. I’ll take my chances in HMP Chelmsford, thank you.
Joking aside - and I am joking before anyone writes in - it is pretty sad that we treat our prisoners better than we treat our old folk, don’t you think?
Anyhow, you need not worry about me. I’m in a good place. I am trying to stay in shape, eat healthily, exercise, keep myself and the house clean, and I always try to remember why I walked into a room. My friend said that old age really boils down to four things: everything is bloody expensive, where the hell am I, I’m tired and Ibuprofen. That made me laugh, although I do stress I’m not at that stage yet.
That’s your lot for another month. Roll on the warm weather, and I’ll see you in May, all being well.
TTFN
Deaks
Over the Edge
graham@overtheedgemag.co.uk
Honour and Loyalty
Those are two key elements and beliefs of a Mandalorian, facts I (finally) found out when I was recently laid up with some kind of hybrid version of the flu/covid virus that’s doing the rounds.
Making the most of being housebound, I took advantage of a bit of binge watching and at the top of my list - knowing that the film is coming out in May - was The Mandalorian on Disney plus. I had previously attempted to watch it on a few occasions, but
never managed to get past the first episode due to the TV often being controlled by others in the household (happy wife, happy life!).
In some ways, having been delayed in getting round to watching the show had done me a favour as I now had 3 seasons to enjoy, and enjoy it I did.
It’s the first show I’ve watched for a long time where it was like being a kid again, with a show about good vs evil and the heroes finding themselves on a journey of discovery, whilst often getting drawn in to help others along the way. Think Hulk, A-Team, Knight Rider and other super 80’s Saturday early evening family entertainment.
It served up action, adventure and some very good belly laughs, often provided by the super cute Grogu aka The Child. The start of Episode 5, Season 2, highlights this, with Mando trying to get help from The Child to repair the ship - “red wire, blue wire” 3 minutes of pure confusion, frustration and innocence at its best.
The interaction, chemistry and bond between The Mandalorian, played by Pedro Pascal, and Grogu is absolutely brilliant. So well played is the bond between them that if you don’t have a lump in your throat at the end of the Season 2 finale, then you don’t have a pulse. And, as sad as I felt at that point, I then found myself punching the air on Episode 7 of The Book of Boba (you need to watch Episodes 5,6 and 7 of this show before season 3 of Mandalorian).
This show really does have all the right elements and is as good and as close to the look and feel of the original Star Wars trilogy, from which most of the characters and history originate. In fact, had the sequels been made by the team behind this show, then I think the last trilogy would have been much
better and made far better use of Ford, Hamill and Fisher (R.I.P) as there will never be another chance to have all three on screen again, along with Chewy, r2 and C3PO….. well not without the aid of A.I.
I may be late to the party watching the show, but with the film now just around the corner, thankfully, I won’t have too long to see where their story goes next.
Until next time,
“This is the way”
The Polak xx
Aka The Jandalorian :-)
THE HIVE ZINE FAIR
The Hive Zine fair was launched in 2025 at The Shire Hall - the first zine fair to be held in the city of Chelmsford! Organised and run by The Hive Artists Studios, the idea for the event was first mooted at one of our creative evenings which gathered weight and momentum when we doubled our zine artists at the studios! Ultimately the desire to create opportunities for artists was the driving force.
Building on the success and enthusiasm of our inaugural Zine Fair we are thrilled to be back in a new venue for 2026! The success of that first year has also secured the support of Chelmsford For You which will help us grow the event to become part of the annual calendar of activities in the city.
The Hive Zine Fair is a celebration of independent publishing, DIY art, and personal expression. You will discover unique handmade zines, weird and wonderful stories, underground comics, badges, cards, prints, stickers, sculpture, crochet, jewellery and more. There are also free drop in workshops, demonstrations, badge making, live ink portraits and a pop up cafe by local caterers Parlour serving hot and cold lunches, drinks and snacks.
Saturday 25th April 11am-4pm at Patch, 5-6 Grays Yard, Chelmsford, CM2 6QR Entry is free and everyone is welcome!
About Zines
A zine is a small-circulation booklet or magazine, mostly created by hand sometimes with digital tools, which is self published. Characterised by their DIY ethos and independent spirit, subject matter can be anything from personal stories to poetry, art, music, hobbies and much more, they are as varied as they artists who make them!
About The Hive Artists Studios
Founded in 2010, we are a not for profit artists studios offering affordable spaces for local artists situated in a quirky industrial estate just off Beehive Lane in Chelmsford.
‘Man
on the Omnibus........still’Clapham
Poisson d’Avril
take a joke and were not a joke nation. So much so that the heavyweight current affairs programme Panorama, on the BBC no less, broadcast one of the most recognised spoofs ever. The spaghettitree hoax was a three-minute report broadcast on April Fools’ Day 1957 by the BBC current-affairs programme, Panorama, purportedly showing a family in southern Switzerland harvesting spaghetti from a “spaghetti tree”. The BBC went ‘all in’ on this, showing a family gathering a bumper spaghetti harvest after a mild winter and the “virtual disappearance of the spaghetti weevil”. Footage of a traditional “Harvest Festival” was aired along with a discussion of the breeding necessary to develop a strain to produce the perfect length of spaghetti. Some scenes were filmed at a now-closed Pasta Foods factory in St Albans, Hertfordshire, and at a hotel in Castagnola, Switzerland.
Greetings my waterlogged readers, I hope by the time this hits the stands in April we will have dried out a bit from the endless rain in the first quarter. There were a few dry sunny days in early March, and within a few hours the drone of lawnmowers in the neighbourhood was abundant. It was raining two days later, but an awful lot of grass, wet waterlogged grass got cut in that 48 hours, I think people were obviously getting a bit housebound and desperate! Anyways, back to the story.
I expect many of you here would have used or heard the expression, “done up like a kipper”. That sort of very tenuously allows me to link in the title, “Poisson d’avril” or April fish as it’s known in France. No, we are not going all cosmopolitan; this is a local mag for local people (did you spot that well-known TV show catchphrase?), but it was a link to the topic this month. April fool.
The whole April Fool thing seems to be withering on the vine, as so many of our traditions seem to be doing. The decline in physical newspaper reading has added to the speed of decline in April Fool’s gags. The old newspapers used to have a field day with gags, but that avenue has pretty much evaporated. The mainstream TV channels used to get in on the act too before we became ‘serious’, well, allegedly serious, when we could
A Panorama cameraman dreamed up the story after remembering how teachers at his school in Austria teased his classmates for being so stupid that if they were told that spaghetti grew on trees, they would believe it. The editor of Panorama gave the cameraman in question, a Mr Charles de Jaeger, a budget of £100 (2026 equivalent £2,580)
The report was made more believable through its voice over by respected broadcaster, Richard Dimbleby. He knew they were using his authority to make the joke work, and to that point Dimbleby loved the idea and went at it with purpose.
In dear old black and white 1957, 7 million of the 15.8 million homes (about 44%) in Britain had television receivers. Back then, pasta was not an everyday food in Britain, only widely recognised in the form of tinned spaghetti in tomato sauce and considered by many to be an exotic delicacy. 1950’s Britain was still very much meat and two veg and having a chicken tikka masala for your tea was the stuff of science fiction! An estimated eight million people watched the programme on 1 April 1957, and hundreds phoned in the following day to question the authenticity of the story or ask for more information about spaghetti cultivation and how they could grow their own spaghetti trees. The BBC told them to, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best”. Can you imagine that now! In
the age of the ‘influencer’ could you imagine one of these people having the nous to tap their nails on a container in famous influencer style and have a joke by offering you a deal on a can of mountain fresh air (Note from Deaks - Get with it Mott, these are available online from various suppliers and in a range of ‘flavours’. Shape up you dinosaur!).
The practice of April Fool is pretty global and the rules seem to be broadly universal in that the prank must be delivered before midday or you become the April fool! It has been suggested that it is good for your health as it makes you laugh, probably more like groan in the same spirit as a Christmas cracker joke. The COVID affair further dampened the spirit of the April Fool, various organizations and people warned not to observe April Fools’ Day, as a mark of respect due to the large amount of tragic deaths that COVID-19 had caused up to that point. There was also the wish to provide truthful information to counter any misinformation about the virus, and to preempt any attempts to incorporate the virus into potential pranks. I mean who would believe that the internet carries false information!
The positive thing is that April Fool’s Day is like daffodils and pink blossom. It is a sign that spring is here and things have moved on and all is a little bit brighter. Also, the April edition of OTE hits the stands with its new £1 cover charge……so on April 1st I will get out of bed at 8 am, shower, dry my shoulder length curly hair and put on my 30-inch waist jeans. Spotted any potential April fools thus far? There was the time when our butcher made all the white bits black in the black pudding as an April fool talking point!
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To close as always on a lighter note. April Fool has been observed in the animal kingdom. Two goats were observed playing pranks on other animals. But what do you expect, they were only a couple of kids!
Yours aye,
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Wednesday 22 April, 6pm - 8pm
Come and join us for a talk and demonstration by our Chef on creating simple, highly nutritious foods, drinks, and smoothies. Highlighting the benefits of fresh produce for all ages, modifying textures, and sharing advice on nutrition and hydration in older age, including preparing appealing snacks and tips to improve appetite.
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THE
EDGE OVERthe
Big Interview
Phil Chats with Spencer Pratten – FIWFA World Walking Footballer of the Year 2025
Spencer Pratten was recently named World Walking Footballer of the Year 2025. He has captained England to two World Cup wins and is now head coach at Chelmsford City WFC. He was born in Plaistow on Valentine’s Day 1955, a short distance from Upton Park and one of the great loves of his life, West Ham United. He has proper East End credentials; his grandfather was a docker.
Phil: Hello Spencer, and thank you for taking the time to speak with Over the Edge magazine. It’s an honour to be in the presence of football royalty! Tell us a little about yourself and your football journey.
Spencer: Although I was born in East London, my family moved around quite a bit when I was a youngster. My football career started at about age 10 when I was picked for Nottingham Schoolboys. Eventually, we moved ‘back home’ to Romford in the mid-60s, and from then, I played for several Essex teams, starting with Upminster Youth. From age 19, I had a twenty-year semi-professional career with clubs including Hornchurch, Rainham, Dagenham, Aveley and Tilbury.
The peak of my career was playing for Chelmsford City between 1980 and 1983 at New Writtle Street. I loved my time with The City and played alongside the likes of Frankie Bishop, Micky Bright, and my closest friend at the club, the brilliant Bobby Moss. I finished my career in my mid-30s at Witham Town in the Essex Senior League. I suppose you could say I was a journeyman Essex footballer.
Phil: How did you get into walking football?
Spencer: After I finished playing, I took my FA coaching qualifications and spent a couple of years in management and coaching. Then I stepped away from the game before returning briefly to veterans’ football in my late 40s. After that, I thought my playing days were over.
Then, in 2014, I saw a Barclays-sponsored walking football advert on TV. Now there’s slow walking and there’s Barclays advert slow! It didn’t appeal to me at all, and my ex-mates felt the same. But a friend was running the Arsenal Community over-60s walking football team and invited me to a small tournament. I’d never played walking football before, but within five minutes on the pitch, I was hooked. I thought, wow, this is superb. After playing all my life, it was the thrill of having my football brain re-engaged.
Phil: For readers unfamiliar with the game, could you briefly summarise the format and laws of walking football?
Spencer: It’s a six-a-side format played on 3G pitches, roughly a quarter the size of a full pitch. There’s no tackling permitted, the ball mustn’t go above head height, and of course, running is not allowed. Matches are two twenty-minute halves.
Phil: You’ve played for England and captained the side. Tell us about your selection.
Spencer: I played for the Arsenal Community over-60s team for about a year before moving to Chelmsford. Around 2016, I was playing well and scoring plenty of goals, so I was put forward for England trials.
I performed well at the initial trials at Millwall and progressed to a final trial at Solihull. That didn’t go quite so well. I’d only played about 20 minutes when a hefty challenge almost broke my leg, and I had to sit out the rest of the trial with an ice pack on my shin. A member of the management team came over and said how sorry he was that I’d got injured and that I was probably feeling a bit down. Then he added, “But you did enough. You’re in the England team.” I just sat there thinking, wow. As I was hobbling away, one of the last to leave, the manager, Stuart Langworthy, called me over. He put his hands around my arm and said, “The captain’s armband is going to fit you nicely — we’re making you skipper.” From there, I went on to play in the first-ever walking football international against Italy at Brighton’s Amex Stadium on May 13, 2018. We won 3-0 and Tommy Charlton — younger brother of Jack and Bobby — featured for us.
Phil: I assume some impressive statistics helped earn you the World Player of the Year award. How did you hear the news?
Spencer: I’ve made 55 appearances for England over-60s and scored 44 goals. I’ve captained the team for eight years, and we won the World Cup in 2023, the European Championship in 2024 and then retained the World Cup in Spain in October last year.
I actually learned about the award on my birthday when I got a call from Paul Carr, director of the Walking Football Association.
He said, “Hi Spencer, it’s Paul here. I haven’t seen you since the World Cup — how are you?” I said, “Fine.”
Then he asked, “When the French awarded you the Prix du Joueur Étranger — their European player award — did you get a poster?” I told him yes, it was framed and hanging in my man shed.
He said, “Good, because I’ve got some news. You’ve just been named FIWFA World Walking Footballer of the Year 2025.”
I honestly thought it was a wind-up. I was speechless. Paul said, “Are you still there?” and I replied, “Yes… but is this real?” He sent me the
link, and the rest is history. Since then, I’ve been interviewed on various BBC television and radio shows.
Phil: Your passion for the game is obvious, and you’re a strong advocate for older people taking it up. What would be your message to anyone thinking of giving it a try?
Spencer: It’s easy to be passionate about this sport because it has dramatically changed my life and the lives of thousands of people around the world, both mentally and physically.
The idea that men — and increasingly women — in their 50s, 60s, 70s and even 80s would be out in the open enjoying the beautiful game, albeit a slower version of it, would have been unthinkable twenty years ago. The same applies to people dealing with cancer or Parkinson’s illness who now have their own walking football teams to represent. Around 100,000 people now play walking football in the UK, and the numbers keep growing. It really is never too late to get involved. Locally, Chelmsford City Walking Football Club has a great community focus, excellent facilities and always welcomes new members.
If anyone is interested, they can visit the website ccwfc.co.uk or email info@ccwfc.co.uk
Phil: Finally, what’s next for Spencer Pratten? What are your future ambitions?
Spencer: At 71, I think it’s probably time to step aside and let some ‘youngsters’ into the team. I still feel technically good enough — I scored five goals at the World Cup a few months ago — but it’s not a great look for a 71-year-old to be playing in the England 60s!
So, I’m taking a short break before hopefully moving up to the England 70s team later this year, in time for the European international tournament in Spain in September.
Phil: Thank you so much for your time Spencer, and congratulations again on the award.
Spencer: You’re very welcome — it’s been my pleasure.
What was immediately obvious when chatting with Spencer was his infectious enthusiasm and passion for life. As well as captaining his country and winning World Cups at 71 (he looks at least 15 years younger), he still works as a surveyor, plays guitar in a rock band and runs a TikTok channel featuring his comedy character.
If walking football provides this sort of youthful energy, I might have to give it a look.
Spring is finally here and with summer fast approaching, we thought we’d do a little rundown of our favourite tearoom spots that are worth a visit for their food and surrounding local area. This is one of our favourite times of year and the perfect time to grab a friend, get some fresh air and enjoy a walk and reward yourself with a trip to a tearoom afterwards!
Paper Mill Lock, Chelmsford
One of our favourites is Paper Mill Lock Tearooms. Located on the River Chelmer, they have one of the prime real estate spots in Chelmsford. Stunning river views, set just outside of the city centre giving it that countryside feel. There are lots of outdoor benches so you can sit and enjoy the river views. It does get busy on sunny days and weekends, there are lots of walks nearby and it’s a great place to paddle-board or kayak. They offer a range of toasties, sandwiches and cakes at great value and the sandwiches are always well-filled which makes all the difference. The staff are always friendly and it makes for the perfect half-day out.
Tea on The Green, Danbury
Tea on the Green, Danbury
A lovely little tearoom located just off the village green in Danbury perfect if you’re walking nearby or passing through. It has lots of little touches that add to it’s quaint, traditional character and they always decorate for the holidays. They have a big menu and are dog friendly. We had one of the best toasties we’ve ever had here - their brie and bacon (pictured left) was delicious and packed full. The plate was filled with salad and coleslaw and it was truly delicious.
Museum of Power, Maldon
The Steam Pump Tearoom, located in the Museum of Power is one we only recently discovered! We love visiting the museum on its event days and it’s a great day out with family as they have an amazing, vintage miniature railway that you can ride on. The tearoom is light and airy with a great selection of breakfast and lunch options. They are dog friendly too!
Sara’s Tea Garden, Leigh on sea
We love visiting Old Leigh and Sara’s is everything you could want from a quirky, coastal tea garden. It’s got a cosy, homely feel as soon as you walk in - with indoor and outdoor covered seating, friendly staff and a large menu with all the classics. They often have local, fresh seafood available as a special. Sara’s loves dogs and has a dog menu which is a really nice touch! It’s tucked on the cobbled streets of Old Leigh and it’s the perfect spot to stop off before a walk up to the high street to the shops or exploring the cockle sheds along the seafront.
Tiptree Tearooms
Most people have probably been to - or at least heard of - Tiptree Tearooms and their famous jams. It is an icon of Essex and they have cafes around the county. They are consistent across the board with each tearoom offering something a little unique. We haven’t been all of them but often find ourselves in their Bond Street location for a quick toastie and cup of tea. We do also love their Heybridge Basin location ‘The Lock’ with stunning views over the Blackwater and recently had an afternoon tea from there. They always have a great cake selection too.
Let us know if you get to try any of our recommendations or where we should try next!
Two besties dishing up the details on Essex’s best restaurants cafes, pubs and pop-ups.
Best friends Hannah and Issy, both born and raised in Chelmsford decided to turn their love for food and eating out into an Instagram page dedicated to reviewing and recommending eateries across Essex, alongside helping local food businesses and events with their marketing and social media. Get in touch:
@essexfoodreview
essexfoodreview@gmail.com
Paper Mill Lock Tea Rooms
Museum of Power
Tiptree Tearooms
Sara’s Tea Garden
Good day everyone and thanks for reading my column this month.
Firstly, I would like to say congrats to Deaks for all of the great work over the last 3 months, pulling together some amazing features. This month’s interview with the legendary Joe Cole on page 26 is amazing. What a sublime piece of fortune, to be able to interview such a star of WHUFC.
Essex Premier Garage Door Company
Boxed-In
I suppose all of my columns to date are focussed on the new norm since the pandemic. More and more people are working from home with ‘Agile’ and ‘Hybrid’ solutions popping up everywhere.
Interestingly, over the last 5 years,
are we now facing a backward step? The office community have always been quite precious about who they sit with and it seems that more and more companies are bringing back offices, which I do not agree with – this is a movement away from collaboration in the workplace.
The office environment is a simple one but complicated by so many people having a different view, which is good, but as a Designer, it can be frustrating. Of course, nobody wants to be told what to do or to be dictated to, but imagine if we had spaces which were so disjointed that an eclectic felt dizzy!
Office environments are certainly becoming more ‘homely’ and comfortable. The placement of elegant leather sofas, comfy armchairs and footstools etc help this along. However, the introduction of PODs, if used as they should, and NOT as makeshift individual offices will certainly work and adds further interest. If the whole community could see these as another space
are downright ugly. What are the criteria for having the right POD?
For those of you that are not familiar, I have shown an image of something which we are installing into our projects currently.
Many designers in the industry will take Style over Substance, but there is a balance, each requiring compromise.
offices and were being allocated a desk in the open plan with their teams. One of my rebellious customers showed great creativity to build his own pre-millennium POD using cardboard.
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We, as a design firm (Workplace Designs Ltd) have currently engaged with a factory to make our own, which I have to say are both stunning and practical with high acoustic properties.
towards a more collaborative ‘Open
the introduction of PODs means that anyone could have their ‘15 minutes’.
In 1995 I designed the offices for XeroxUK with a concerted shift away from cellular space, which I can state, for this particular community was enormous. Once, one of the most successful companies in the world and cash rich until the patent for their devices ran out (c1975) thereby allowing Cannon & Ricoh et al to clamber all-over their market share.
So, on the Monday morning after the move into the new facility, there he was with 2m high cardboard walls surrounding his desk, he had even constructed a cardboard roof with a sliding cardboard door which he taped shut! I think if we had smartphones back then, it would have gone viral – it was amazing!
Nowadays, we have the most incredible opportunities with our work spaces, as many firms try hard to create a great environment for their staff. NB: it is never perfect for us all and it will never be easy, but with a little compromise, it can be better than we had before and closer to our ideal.
Last month I mentioned that we would be running a competition, which has been delayed, so please tune in next month for your chance to win one of those amazing Dinosaur heads
Thanks for reading Design Dude Inspiration for the Population Please feel free to email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com
O N LY
kitchen table, openmouthed, listening to the tirade.
“Good boy!” and then he asks, “What is the opposite of smooth?”
Dog replies, “Rough”
J O K I N G !
N LY J O K I N G !
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
“That’s my boy!” the guy says and pats him on the head.
“Who was the best Scotland goalkeeper of all time?”
“Rough” barks the dog.
How does Spider-Man always come up with such great comebacks?
Because with special powers comes great response ability.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer ‘smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’. Apparently, the correct terms are cremation or burial.
Husband: “When I get cross with you, you never argue back. How do you control your anger?”
I thought my first girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse outfit, a French maid outfit and a police uniform, I decided if she can’t hold down a job, she is not the one for me.
Wife: “I clean the toilet.”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”
A copper pulled me over for speeding and said to me, “If you can give me a reasonable excuse I’ve never heard before, l’ll let you go.”
The ringmaster says, “Get out of here and stop wasting my time!” and pushes them out of his office and slams the door.
“My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can’t you see I’m still in my pyjamas? I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why did you bring him home without letting me know first, you stupid moron?” she rants! The husband replies: “Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
Whilst walking back to the car, the dog looks up at his master and says, “Do you think I should have said Jim Leighton?”
For the past 20 years l’ve received a Valentine’s card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First, my granny dies and now this.
Did you know that by replacing chips, chocolate and other snacks with healthy foods, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you have left in life?
I said, “Several years ago, my husband ran off with his secretary. I thought you were trying to bring him back to me.”
I was driving down the motorway with my wife, and she said, “I think those people in the car next to us are from another country,” and I replied, “What makes you think that?” and she said, “Well, the kids are writing on the window, and it says: STIT RUOY SU WOHS”
The copper replied. “Just slow down a bit and have a nice day madam.”
Before my Grandfather died, he told me that he got to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning, he told them the passengers shouldn’t get on board because he knew it was going to sink. But nobody listened, and he repeatedly told them right up to the minute they kicked him out of the cinema.
29% of all accidents are caused by speeding, so that means 71% are caused by driving at or below the speed limit. Statistically, that means that it’s safer to speed in your car.
My local barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I’ve been his customer for 6 years, and I had no idea he was a barber.
The CEO of IKEA has just been elected Prime Minister of Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
A man takes his dog to the circus and tells the ringmaster that his dog can speak English and that he should be in the circus. The ringmaster says, “That’s rubbish. Prove it.”
A man has been shot with a starting pistol and then beaten with a relay baton. Police believe it may be a race-related attack.
You never see a brewery using a drunk person to advertise their beer. Are they ashamed of their customers?
My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So, l got a chicken. Deep fried. It came with a chocolate milkshake. I feel better already.
If you’re bored, go into a clothes shop, go into the fitting rooms, wait a minute, then yell out, “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here!”
The cashier in the shop said to me, “Strip down, facing me.”
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Phone: O7743443981
People who claim their wedding day was the best day of their lives have obviously never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine together.
I asked the lass at the chemist if they’d got any Benylin. “For cough?” she said. I said, “Whoa, I only asked.”
Am I the only one who buys a dozen reusable supermarket shopping bags and leaves them in the car every single time? Nope, I thought not.
Did you know that 2026 backwards is 6202, and if you take away the 0 and the 2, you get 62. It doesn’t mean anything, but thanks for reading.
By the time I realised she was referring to my debit card, it was too late.
I was getting out of the shower when my girlfriend said, “You’re getting fat, just look at that belly. When was the last time you saw your pecker?” I replied, “It’s been a long time to be fair.” She said, “Why don’t you diet?” I replied, “Why, what colour is it now?”
My wife asked me, “What would be the female equivalent of a man cave?”
“Was it closed?” Is probably not the best thing to say to your wife when she comes home after spending the whole day at the beauty salon.
I said to her, “That would be a kitchen.”
I was at a funeral yesterday when I asked the vicar for the WiFi code and he shouted, “Please, have some respect for the deceased,” and I replied, “Is that all in lower case, vicar?”
Apologies to the old folks we used to mock for eating dinner at 5.00pm and being in bed by 9.00pm. You guys were really onto something.
By the way, does anyone have a place I can stay for a few nights?
I’m at the Hospital. I’ve just been diagnosed with Peekaboo Virus.
A guy brings his best buddy home unannounced for dinner after enjoying a day of golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the
The man says, “Ok, I will’ and he asks his dog three questions:
“What is on top of a house?”
The dog replies, “Roof”
If you are attracted to both women and men, but neither of them are attracted to you, that means you are bi-yourself.
A door-to-door salesman knocks on the front door of a house. The door is answered by a 12-yearold lad holding a glass of cognac, smoking a large cigar and draped by a couple of prostitutes. The salesman asks, “Are your parents home?” The kid replies, “What do you think?”
I told my wife the Amazon driver claims to have slept with every woman in our street except one! My wife said, “It’s probably that stuck-up bitch at No.14.”
Whenever you think there is no hope left for you, just remember the lobsters in the tank of the restaurant on the Titanic.
“Will I be OK, Doctor?”
A wife’s prayer; Dear God
They are transferring me to ICU now.
You gave me a childhood...
You took it away...
You gave me youth...
“I cannot find a cause for your illness”, the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to excessive drinking.”
You took it away...
You gave me a husband...
It’s been years now, I’m just saying.
“Shall I come back when you are sober?” I replied.
The police came to my house today and said, “It looks like your husband has been hit by a bus.”
“I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”
“I don’t do that astrology stuff.”
“Me neither, my thermometer just broke!”
A husband died, and a few years later the wife died. When she got to heaven, she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. “Darling, oh how I’ve missed you,” she says. The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him, “Steady there woman, the contract was until death.”
I said, “I know, but other than that, he has a lovely personality and he’s great with the kids”
My local coffee shop has a sign that reads, “No Wi-Fi, just pretend it’s 1973.”
The world’s shortest fairy tale: Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, “Will you marry me?” The girl said, “No!” And the guy lived happily ever after and watched loads of football, lounged on the sofa, played golf a lot, drank beer in the pub with his mates and farted loudly whenever he wanted.
So, I paid 15p for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, then he will. There is no need to remind him every 3 months.
When I was born, I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Can someone please tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for?
Nobody is giving me a straight answer.
My wife alternates playing her guitar, the drums and her flute every month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle.
My AI Music Career
The world of AI seems to be accelerating at breakneck speed. Every week there appears to be another digital tool promising to change the world. It’s a strange mix of excitement, productivity and a healthy dose of fear; particularly if, like me, you grew up watching the Terminator films and are quietly convinced that Skynet is probably already warming up.
To distract myself from the impending robot takeover, I’ve been experimenting with an AI music app called Suno. In simple terms, you type in some lyrics, choose a style of music, and the AI creates a full song for you in seconds. The really impressive part is that you can also hum or play a melody, and the software will build an entire track around it.
As a teenager, I taught myself a few guitar chords. I’m no Eric Clapton (in fact, I’d struggle through most campfire classics), but I could manage a few catchy progressions. For years, they sat in the back of my mind as unfinished ideas. With Suno, those ideas suddenly come to life. I play the chords, add a few lyrics, and within minutes, I’ve got a fully produced song. If the lyrics need help, I simply call upon my trusty old friend ChatGPT. The results are surprisingly good. Purists will undoubtedly argue about whether AIcreated music counts as “real art,” but for me it’s been brilliant fun.
I recently discovered another app called Controlla Voice, which turns your singing into an AI voice clone. Using some free mixing software called Audacity, I’ve even layered my AI-generated voice over the tracks. So now I don’t just have songs,
I have an album sung by “me”, which is particularly helpful when it comes to hitting the high notes.
My music career may have arrived 25 years late, but thanks to AI, it’s now safely preserved in digital form. Next up? I’m thinking AI Hollywood blockbuster.
The Tip
When I was a kid, I had strangely fond memories of going to the tip. I remember being fascinated by the sheer scale of the place; mountains of rubbish, giant containers, and a constant flow of people dropping off all sorts of things. As someone with mild OCD tendencies, there was also something deeply satisfying about clearing out clutter and returning home with an empty car boot.
Fast forward to adulthood, and the tip run has become something I actively dread. For a start, you now have to book a slot. Gone are the days of a spontaneous Saturday clear-out. Now it’s like planning a military operation. You have to guess when you’ll be ready, load the car perfectly, and arrive exactly within your 15-minute window, otherwise you risk driving around with a boot full of ancient bin bags for the rest of the day.
Then there’s the recycling rules. In the old days, you could throw everything into one giant skip and call it a day. Now there’s a separate section for wood, metal, cardboard, electricals, rubble, garden waste, plastics and about seven other things. You have to load the car like you’re playing a game of Jenga, so everything comes out in the correct order. And Sod’s Law says when you finally arrive, the attendant will guide you to the parking space furthest away from the bin you actually need.
Recently I had to dispose of my old bathroom after a renovation. Several heavy bags of rubble (just one car boot full, in case the council are reading this!) needed unloading. Unfortunately, I was parked at the completely wrong end of the site. What followed felt like an episode of You Bet “Can Billy unload ten heavy bags of rubble and sprint them across the tip within his 15-minute time window?”
I think the reason I liked the tip as a child is because I got to sit in the car and watch my Dad do the hard work. Now it’s my turn, and somehow the magic has worn off.
An Exciting End to the Season
At the time of writing, Manchester City have dropped more points and Arsenal have gone nine points clear at the top of the table. It looks increasingly likely that Arteta’s anti-football specialists will be lifting the title, largely thanks to their rugby-style corner routines. Fair play to them, but in many previous seasons, half those goals might have been ruled out for fouls. So, if they do win the league, it might feel just a tiny bit hollow.
The middle of the table has its usual scrap for European places, although let’s be honest — the Europa and Conference Leagues don’t exactly set the pulses racing.
The real drama is happening at the bottom of the table. With Wolves and Burnley already realistically doomed, the real battle is for that final relegation place. As a West Ham fan, I’m watching developments with a mixture of dread
and mild panic. At the moment, we’re hovering around that final drop spot, sometimes in it, briefly out of it, often thanks to games being played at different times.
It’s shaping up to be a scrap between West Ham, Forest, Leeds and Spurs. Now, as Kevin Keegan once famously said, “I would love it” if Spurs went down. Absolutely love it. But I’m not greedy. I’ll happily settle for anyone but us.
The Championship can be fun; new stadiums, new away days, but there’s no guarantee you bounce straight back. For all its frustrations (and don’t get me started on VAR again), the Premier League is still where every club wants to be.
So, if Carlsberg did football dreams, mine would be simple: West Ham win the FA Cup… and Spurs get relegated. Now that would be a season worth celebrating.
UNLOCK YOUR CAPITAL FROM YOUR HOME
upon
Hold my Beer
Poetry Corner
In this month’s Poetry Corner we’re delighted to feature Cricket coach Sam Blackman, who set himself the remarkable challenge of writing 150 poems in 150 days as his contribution to the celebration of Essex County Cricket Club’s 150th anniversary.
Sam grew up in South Woodham Ferrers, and as a teenager, he hated writing and loved playing cricket. He makes no secret of the fact that he was in the bottom set for English at school. He couldn’t read properly until about Year 6, and even then, his reading was very limited, and he never
wrote more than a page. His message to any kids finding school tough: “Don’t give up. I know how hard it is. So, I feel for you. But you can do it.”
Later this year, Sam’s poems will be published in a book which will be available at the Essex County Cricket Club shop.
Here’s Sam’s tribute to the recordbreaking exploits of an Essex legend at Lord’s in 1990.
333
Three hundred and thirty-three
Historic numbers for all to see
Remarkable digits: 4, 5, 6
Ending your total like a fix
England listened one and all
The Father Time saw every ball
He held that bail with a watchful eye
Reviewing each innings from the sky
Even when the declaration came
Eventually four 6s made the follow-on vane
The captain was forced to bat once more
He was much more angry than a day before
Released his shoulders for all to see
Elementary dear Watson, easy as 1, 2, 3
England salutes you and still applauds
So fittingly the highest ever test score was at Lord’s.
CHELMSFORD’S
GHOST PUBS
The New Barn
Sadly, this month’s trip to the pub tells an all-too-familiar tale of changing times.
We’re headed to the junction of Kings Road and North Avenue for a pint of Ridley’s in The New Barn. A typical estate pub, it was built in
Over the Edge Global Reach
We’re always astounded at just how far the OTE tentacles extend around the world and how much the geopolitical landscape is influenced (yeah, honestly!) by Chelmsford’s favourite magazine.
This month, we travel from the Caribbean to Brazil with just a brief pit stop at Chelmsford City FC. Please keep sending us these fascinating photos as we love to tell the world just how far our little mag travels!
Global Reach 1 - Here we have global travellers, Nick & Linda Maples, in the Caribbean (again!) catching up on their go-to holiday read.
Global Reach 2 - Imagine our surprise when we spotted this Chelmsford City FC legend reading the magazine in the clubhouse before the game. Thank you, Dom Odusanya!
Global Reach 3 - It’s the prickly little fella, Edge Hog, again making an appearance in Brazil. Honestly, we actually have no idea where he will pop up next! Whoever has him now, please keep sending us the photos.
the interwar period, coinciding with the construction of the surrounding Boarded Barns housing estate. Architecturally, the pub conformed to the then-fashionable Tudor Revival style.
Often situated prominently on housing estates, these public houses reflected the brewery industry’s efforts to civilise and modernise pubs, distancing them from the Victorian image of dark, male-dominated drinking dens. Typically large in scale, their nostalgic design drew inspiration from 16th-century England, with black-and-white timbering, steeply pitched gabled roofs, brick chimneys, leaded casement windows and ornate fireplaces.
Like so many others, the pub has been demolished, and on its site now stands a block of residential flats. Its demise came in 2014.
Gone but not forgotten, plenty of Chelmsford folk still look back fondly and recall its role as a community hub for local residents. They tell of the countless trophies won over the years by the pub’s darts, cribbage and dominoes teams. They miss the off-licence and the parties held in All Saints Church Hall behind the pub.
Let us have your suggestions for next month’s Lost Inn Time. Which historic hostelries haunt you?
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Vic on the Telly
Vic on the Telly
The series follows Nesbitt’s Simon Green, a suburban father whose daughter goes missing. It’s a dangerous web of secrets, lies and murder.
It is a Belfast based police drama that is set after the troubles. Both series had 6 episodes each. Both series had an arc of other stuff. It has been reviewed as a great show which
more series as the BBC believes
My column for Over the Edge will be talking and reviewing television and films. It will in anything watchable. It will be called vicontvandfilms. Since watching television and films has changed over the years, streaming will be included.
dragons, caused by a lie, two Targaryens siblings lead two opposing armies. One brother the throne but is not; his brother having been mistakenly put there. It’s a little slower and has fantastic scenery.
As you might have read in the last edition of The Edge, me and the Mrs changed our tv package from Virgin Media to Now TV. The Now TV package also had Sky Atlantic included, a channel I have admired from afar.
The first series to be reviewed is a controversial one, The Tattooist of Auschwitz. I had seen it advertised on television and when we changed provider I was able to see it. It will not be everyone’s cup of tea. A lot of people have asked how can you make a drama out of the holocaust? They did!
2 was advertised to start in June.
comedy in it too and it made me think about other TV trivia game shows. There was one a few years ago called Paul Sinha’s TV Showdown - Paul Sinha of Chase fame. It wasn’t very good. It had a celebrity panel too.
SCREENS INSTALLED
Run Away is a new Netflix series for 2026. It stood at number one for a week or so before being surpassed by Him and Her, which I will review next. It has been adapted from a Harlan Coben book of the same name. I have read a book by Harlan Coben called Caught. Run Away is a twist-filled thriller that delivers pulpy entertainment with strong performances.
I have now watched series one and two on iPlayer.
There may be a third series next year.
It does have a lot of plot twists that can fry your brain and stars James Nesbitt and Ruth Jones, among other big stars and up-and-comers.
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Another Netflix one that I also watched was His and Hers. A physiological thriller starring Tessa Thompson and John Bernthal. It was an adaptation of Alice Feeney’s novel of the same name. The story is of a news anchor called Anna and her estranged husband Jack, a detective, who end up working and reporting on a murder. It’s their perspectives on what’s going on. It’s full of twisty plots. It has fared fairly well in the Netflix charts.
This series was based on Heather Morris’s book of the same name. It’s brutal, disturbing and devastating. It covers the relationship between Lala Sololov and Gita in the concentration camp of Auschwitz. Lala, the protagonist in the television drama, switches between now and the time in the camp. Like all programmes it is littered with historical inaccuracies. I think it is worth a watch, I binged it in two weeks.
I missed the first series of House of the Dragon but will try and find a way to see it. I have seen the whole of Series 2. House of the Dragon is the prequel to Game of Thrones, set some 200 years prior. It’s not as shocking as Game of Thrones which was a groundbreaker and featured beheadings, molten gold crowns, crushed heads etc. The main storyline of Series 2 was the warring factions of the Targaryens, the greens and the blacks. Readying for the war of the
Listening to the intro music brought back memories of Game of Thrones.
says, there are lots of dog-based programmes but not many cat ones. David explores the world of cats and their owners. It is a love letter to felines and challenges the notion that cats are aloof and selfish. David meets extraordinary cats and their passionate owners. You get to see celebrities and their cats, too.
Smart TV
The third television programme review is Rob Beckett’s Smart TV, a game show based on TV knowledge.
TV Showdown brought back memories of Telly Addicts. I was a 10 year old kid when it first started and was near abouts my 20’s when it ended. My knowledge of TV back then was not that great, but it has grown. This mostly had the general public as contestants with the occasional celebrity. It was hosted by Noel Edmonds.
seen. Then there was one I had not seen, so I gave it a watch, and I am watching series four of Industry, a sharp modern drama that is also highly-intensive. It follows a set of young bankers navigating power.
Another series box set I have watched lately is True Detective. I watched the first series and all of the fourth series called the Night Country. Season one was the best of the two in my opinion. From the haunting song at the beginning “Far from any road” by the Handsome Family, series one had the back and forth timelines of the two main characters Rusty Cohle and Marty Hart who were played by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson respectively. Two polar opposites working together to solve a very gruesome murder and other crimes. This season had two male main characters.
I caught David Baddiel’s Cat Man, a light-hearted 3-part series on Channel 4 / More4. As Baddiel
The next review is The Motorway. It’s on around the time I get home from work. It’s quite fascinating and has heightened my respect for the workers on our national highways. It features multi-vehicle collisions, car fires, animals escaping onto the road, flooding, severe weather and dangerous driving.
The format is two teams of three celebrities with one of them as a permanent captain, these being Alison Hammond and Josh Widdecombe.
The fourth season has two female detectives solving the disappearance of a set of scientists from a research centre. The only flashbacks are how things happened. This one’s main characters are Liz Danvers and Evangeline Navarro played by Jodie Foster and Kali Reis respectively. I have been a fan of Foster since I was little.
The host, as it says, is Rob Beckett. It has elements of
I was recently wondering what to watch, so I consulted AI. It gave me a list of some I had already
Last to be reviewed this month is Lord of the Flies. I’d heard a little about Lord of the Flies, but did not know what it was really about. This drama was on the BBC and can be seen on BBC iPlayer. It takes elements from the book and dramatises them. It’s a four-episode drama following a group of boys who have survived a plane crash. It mainly follows Piggy, Ralph, Jack and Simon as some of the boys trapped on the island. It depicts the boys descending into chaos, violence and fractured leadership.
OVER LINE LOCAL SPORT UPDATES the
ESSEX COUNTY CRICKET CLUB
150th Anniversary Event at London’s City Hall
As part of Essex Cricket’s 150th Anniversary celebrations, the Club hosted a special event at City Hall in the London Borough of Newham on 25 February 2026.
The prestigious evening celebrated 150 years of cricketing heritage, community impact, and future ambition, bringing together former players, current leaders and staff members, partners, community representatives, and invited guests from across the community.
Ultimately, the event helped to celebrate and share the impact Essex County Cricket Club has and continues to have across Essex, East London, and the surrounding areas.
Essex Men Pre-Season Tour in South Africa
As part of preparations for the 2026 season, Essex Men spent just under a
fortnight in Cape Town, South Africa, for a red-ball pre-season tour in the winter sun. Preparations included matches against Loughborough University, Warwickshire, and a Club Cricket SA XI as well as a set of warm weather training blocks.
Essex Women’s Duo Selected for England Series
Essex Women’s captain Grace Scrivens and all-rounder Jodi Grewcock have been named in the England Women’s squad for their intra-squad series in March.
The selectors announced a 15-player group for a five-game intra-squad T20 series in Pretoria as the race for places at the ICC Women’s T20 World Cup continues. Both Scrivens and Grewcock are yet to make their England debuts, giving them a valuable opportunity to impress the selectors.
The New Season Is Almost Upon Us
The 2026 season is on the horizon, with an action-packed summer of cricket awaiting at the Ambassador Cruise Line Ground in the heart of Chelmsford’s City Centre.
Come down and watch both the Essex Men and Essex Women live across all formats of cricket, beginning in April through to the end of September.
T20 tickets are selling fast, so make sure to secure yours to avoid disappointment - or elevate your viewing experience with one of our many hospitality packages.
To view fixtures, please visit essexcricket. org.uk or contact our Hospitality & Events team on 01245 254063 for hospitality packages.
CHELMSFORD CITY FOOTBALL CLUB
At the start of the season, new chairman and owner Spencer Gore outlined his ambitions for the club’s future, targeting promotion to the National League within two years and a place in the Football League within five, before quickly setting those plans into motion.
One of the key early decisions was to move the playing squad to a full-time
model, alongside bringing in several new signings to strengthen the team and raise the overall quality within the squad.
Like many teams adapting to change, the Clarets experienced a mixed start to the campaign. However, since the start of 2026 the team has found impressive form. Over their last 11 matches (as at 13th March), the Clarets have recorded seven wins, three draws and just one defeat, firmly placing themselves in the race for the play-off places and promotion. The improvement on the pitch has also been reflected in the stands. Attendances at The Dunmow Group Community Stadium have almost doubled compared to last season, with crowds now averaging between 1,700 and 1,900 supporters on matchdays.
Away from the men’s first team, our Claret Women are also enjoying a strong campaign. Currently sitting second in the league with just one defeat and promotion firmly within reach, as the season approaches its decisive moments.
While this growth has been hugely encouraging, the club continues to urge supporters to get behind both teams during the final stages of the season. Tickets for the men’s matches are available on our website, while entry to the women’s games remains free for all supporters.
CHELMSFORD & DISTRICT NETBALL LEAGUE
CDNL is once again enjoying a vibrant and competitive winter season, with teams from across the city taking to the courts each week at Beaulieu Park
School. The league continues to thrive, currently featuring 11 divisions, providing opportunities for players of all abilities to compete in a friendly yet competitive environment.
As the season progresses, teams are battling hard for crucial league points, with fixtures producing some closely contested matches across the divisions. The league also continues to run its popular cup competitions, with knockout rounds bringing extra excitement and the promise of silverware later in the season.
Alongside the competition on court, the league is proud of initiatives that promote the values at the heart of netball. One of these is the Diamond Player, a league initiative where a Diamond Player is chosen by the umpires after each match. While many teams ask their opponents to nominate a Player of the Match, the Diamond Player recognises something different — sportsmanship, respect and positive conduct on court. This initiative highlights players who embody the spirit of the game and the values that are central to the CDNL, and the nominated Diamond Players are regularly celebrated on CDNL’s social media.
With several weeks of fixtures still to play, the race for promotion, titles and cup success remains wide open. The CDNL continues to demonstrate the strength of grassroots netball locally, bringing together players, officials and volunteers who share a love for the game.
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Return to Trieste
I hadn’t been back to Trieste for what must have been 50 years or more. I mean, when you were in your teens and 20’s, it was Spain - Majorca and Ibiza. Then it was the US plus other places in Europe, and much the same in my 30’s, but addition ally, there were visits to South America and places in the Far East. And so it went on, and Trieste was never on my radar, well, not until I retired.
During the COVID lockdown, I started writing, mainly short stories, some of which got published. Then I started writing a novel loosely based on my father’s wartime experiences, which I had pieced together from stories and the bits and pieces that both my mother and my cousin (the son of my father’s youngest sister) had told me.
So, to get a feel for the city, I paid a very delayed visit to Trieste, that so-called ‘City of a Thousand Faces’. I had few memories of my earlier visits to that glorious city, but the things I did remember were that the old City had many pale coloured buildings which were clustered around its numerous squares, supposedly dating back to the old Austro-Hungarian empire. I also remembered that their white shutters reflected the sun and the shimmering deep blue of the Bay of Trieste.
Trieste remains a city of trade and shipping, and still retains its famous old Dolceria, the ice cream parlours and the numerous coffee houses are still scattered all around the city. Its new (well, post-World War II) deep port continues to have its maritime connections to the Suez Canal, the Middle East and Africa. Trieste was, and still is, one of the main importers of coffee beans for the rest of Europe. Trieste has its own unique coffee culture, and in my thoughts, I imagined that those many coffee houses were still home to numerous writers, businessmen and spies. Locations where deals were struck, books were written, and information was exchanged.
Old SilverGrey Surfer
What was in evidence was that the old port area, known as the Porto Vecchio, which was a ruin, a shambles, where no ships berthed, with no active warehouses, just a huge area to the East of the city, about 150 acres of ruined warehouses, was now finally undergoing major reconstruction as a new marina. This involved the clearing and rebuilding of its historic old buildings, plus the development of new hotels and flats. The sad truth is that in 1944 and 1945 the old Porto Vecchio had been bombed and flattened by the US Army Air Force. The Yugoslav army had further destroyed the few remaining buildings as they, and the 2nd New Zealand Division, liberated Trieste in those final days of the war.
Few people realise that, along with Berlin, post-war Trieste was a flashpoint between the Western allies and the Soviet Union and its satellite states, most notably the newly formed Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia. The dispute over access to, and the ownership of Trieste lasted for 9 years, with the so-called ‘Free Territory of Trieste’ being finally handed back to Italy in 1954. As a result, access to the city became very much easier. So, when my father was finally able to return to Trieste after the war, there was no Porto Vecchio, no warehouse district, no working warehouses and no storage facilities. Streets and recognisable landmarks were buried under the rubble, and somewhere in those 150 acres of destruction, there was possibly, very possibly, an old black safe in which documents, cash, customs clearance forms, and very probably diamonds were stored.
MarlonHarewood
Where do I start?
So much has gone on this month.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate a true Premier League legend. 654 Premier League appearances. Read that again. SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR games in the most demanding league in world football. Not a season. Not a decade. Two decades of turning up and being trusted.
James Milner made his debut in 2002 as a 16-year-old at Leeds United. He’s now 40… and still going.
I’ve been lucky enough to see it from two angles. I had the pleasure of playing with him at Aston Villa — we just called him Milly. No fuss. No drama. Just graft. Even back then, you could see it. He trained properly. Lived properly. Competed properly - every single day.
With Milly, you know exactly what you’re getting. That’s why 654 games isn’t just a number. It’s a statement. And he kept getting picked. Talent might get you a debut. Character gets you picked again. And again. And again.
For any young player looking for a role model, James Milner is that and more. Not just because of the medals or the milestones, but because of the habits. The discipline. The humility. The willingness to adapt his role for the team. If you want longevity in any career — especially football:
• Be the dependable one when it’s tight.
• Work when nobody’s watching.
• Look after your body.
• Adapt.
• Park your ego.
• Records fade. Reputation lasts. Congrats, Milly.
What a day to remember!
I started the afternoon on a pub crawl around where the old Upton Park stadium once stood, reminiscing with the Weedon family about
the good old days and the history that ground holds. So many stories, so many memories.
Then it was straight into full mode at the West Ham United F.C. vs AFC Bournemouth clash with exclusive AAA access – behind the scenes, all areas, and plenty of special moments shared throughout the game.
It finished in a draw, but the lads showed real fight in this relegation battle. I was proud to look after two amazing families and be part of days like this. Football is more than a game — it’s memories that last a lifetime.
Marlon Harewood Founder and Director MH10
Global LTD
Mother’s Pride
I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with beer festivals. In recent years, my interest has waned, partly because I’m not keen on the new ticketing and voucher systems most use, and partly because my tastes have changed. Supping on lukewarm ales with names like Squiffy Fairy and Billericay Dickie, kidding myself I had a palate to distinguish the unique hops and aromas, has somewhat lost its appeal.
These days I’d rather visit a nice pub, have a cold pint and use proper toilets, not share communal outdoor urinals where you can see every drunk bloke’s pecker swinging in the wind. I often used to frequent the Chelmsford Summer Beer Festival and the Hoop Beer Festival in Stock, and I really went to these festivals to get inebriated, trying as many weirdly named ales as humanly possible. Some often tasted like mouthwash, or what I imagine warm piss would taste like; but hey, I’d paid for it, and I was going to drink it!
I say all this because there is a good film to be made out of the uniqueness of British beer festival culture, and whilst Mother’s Pride gives it a good go, it gets bogged down with unnecessary plotlines about grief and depression — just what you need in what is meant to be a light-hearted romp.
A struggling country pub run by grumpy landlord Martin Clunes has to brew its own beer to help pay off its debts and ends up entering the CAMRA Great British Beer Awards. Do they win? Do they turn their fortunes around? You know the answer within the first five minutes.
I’d have liked to have seen them lean more into real ale culture, and certainly more about the actual beer brewing process — and far less Morris dancing. The jokes may land like a flat beer, and the plot is as predictable as Labour making a U-turn, but this should at least be enjoyed by the tea-and-biscuit brigade on a Sunday afternoon.
The Bride!
From Mother’s Pride to The Bride, a big-budget reimagining of The Bride of Frankenstein that failed to jolt the box office to life, and will go down as one of the biggest misfires of the year — and for good reason.
To be fair, Jessie Buckley is not the problem with this. Neither is Christian Bale as a sympathetic Frankenstein’s monster (called… erm… Frank), who, after decades of being alone, asks mad scientist Dr Euphronius (a woefully miscast Annette Bening) to create him a mate. And so, they dig up recently deceased sex worker Ida (Buckley) to become his bride.
After a violent altercation with a group of predatory thugs, the two go on the run, Bonnieand-Clyde style, with the cops hot on their trail. It sounds good on paper, but the execution is all over the place, resulting in an incoherent mess of a movie stitched together like the monsters it features.
It also pushes a very heavy-handed feminist message that isn’t so much ham-fisted as baconwristed. We literally have the Bride scream “Me Too! Me Too!” at the screen. Having a message is one thing, but bludgeoning the audience to death with it — much like how Frank curb-stomps someone’s head into the dirt — is not what the paying audience wants to see.
Dolly
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is considered a classic for a reason. Not only was it a landmark in horror cinema for its time, but it also retains its raw power and energy to shock even today, and has never really been bettered.
Here we have another attempt at a low-budget slasher in the vein of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in which a newlywed couple go hiking in the woods, only to fatefully come across a deranged killer who wears a porcelain doll’s mask and uses a rusty shovel as their weapon of choice.
Despite an interesting look and an eerie location, none of it really connects and, importantly, it just isn’t scary. Maybe because the lead actress isn’t very convincing. Or maybe casting Sean William Scott — aka Stifler from American Pie — in a horror film is just a bad idea. You simply cannot take him seriously. Disappointing.
Materialists
By the time you read this, Jessie Buckley may well have won herself an Oscar for her powerful performance in Hamnet. That is, if The Bride doesn’t end up doing a Norbit and torpedo her chances. Norbit was Eddie Murphy’s dire comedy that infamously robbed him of Oscar glory for Dreamgirls.
Arriving in cinemas late last summer, Materialists has recently dropped on Sky, so I thought I would give it a watch — seeing as it’s directed by Celine Song, whose breakout movie, Past Lives, was a critical hit — and it has a starry cast of Dakota Johnson, Pedro Pascal and Captain America himself, Chris Evans.
wealth (hence the title) — oh, and height, as women insist potential dates must be at least six feet tall.
Pedro Pascal’s ultra-wealthy financier woos Dakota off her feet, much to the frustration of her broke but tall ex, Chris Evans — who also looks like Captain America. After sleeping with Pedro Pascal’s character, she notices scars on his legs, and he admits he had leg-lengthening surgery so women would give him a chance. Dakota immediately breaks up with the ultra-wealthy financier and goes back to her broke but tall ex, and they live happily ever after.
The name of this film should be ‘The Heightists’, as everyone in it is obsessed with men’s height. What kind of message is this film giving? That if you are a short king (as women “affectionately” call vertically challenged men), you’re screwed? An anti-rom-com in the worst sense.
Project Hail Mary
Dakota Johnson works as a matchmaker for lonely New Yorkers who are all obsessed with material
So, I only had the chance to see this at the last minute on the weekend previews, but on initial reaction, this big-budget sci-fi romp is well worth seeing on the big screen — the biggest you can find, in fact — even if it is a bit on the long side.
Ryan Gosling plays science teacher and reluctant hero Ryland Grace, who has to travel deep into space to solve the mystery of why the stars are dying out. Based on Andy Weir’s book of the same name, this feels like a classic, old-school, crowdpleasing blockbuster with some brains.
I’m a sucker for deep-space exploration films anyway, so this is right up my street. And if you’re looking for an alternative to the candy-coloured mayhem of Super Mario at the cinema this Easter, give this a whirl.
WILL AI MAKE THE MOVIES?
Leaving humans to tell the story?
R“Two years ago we were laughing at an AI version of Will Smith struggling to eat spaghetti. no one is laughing now.”
emember the Will Smith eating spaghetti video? If you haven’t seen it, go look it up. It appeared online in 2023 and it was terrible – in the most entertaining way possible. An early AI model attempted to generate a video of Will Smith eating a plate of pasta and produced something surreal: rubbery hands, impossible forks and a plate of spaghetti that seemed to move like it was alive. The whole thing looked as though it had been filmed underwater.
People shared it everywhere. It became the perfect example of why AI video was nowhere near ready for the real world.
And yet, only a couple of years later, the difference is staggering.New systems such as Veo and Kling are now producing clips that look genuinely cinematic. Lighting behaves correctly, camera movement feels intentional, and faces finally look like real people rather than melting wax figures. In a remarkably short space of time, the problems that made the spaghetti video so funny have largely been solved.
Recently Seedance 2.0, developed in China, pushed things even further. Its ability to handle motion, detail and visual consistency has raised the bar again. For many people working in film and media, this is the moment when AI video stopped looking like a novelty and started looking like a serious creative tool.
Unsurprisingly, alarm bells are ringing in Hollywood; is it under threat? The concern is understandable. If a
computer can generate convincing video from a text prompt, the traditional requirements of film crew, actors cameras, sets and large production teams suddenly become redundant.
But the idea that AI will replace cinema misunderstands what makes great films work in the first place. AI can generate the image, but it cannot live a life, feel heartbreak or draw from genuine human experience. Those are still the raw materials of storytelling.
So I think the biggest impact could be in television advertising.Think about the adverts we see every day. Many are simply a sequence of three-second shots stitched together into a fifteen or twenty second slot. A smiling couple on holiday. A close up of a product. A cheerful lifestyle moment. There is often no real narrative, just a quick series of images designed to sell something.
This kind of content is exactly what AI video systems are becoming very good at producing. A tool like Seedance can generate short, visually appealing clips in minutes and at very low cost. For routine advertising, that efficiency may prove difficult to ignore.
Two years ago we were laughing at an AI version of Will Smith struggling to eat spaghetti. Today we are seeing tools that can generate convincing cinematic footage on demand. For people with a genuine idea and something meaningful to say, this technology may become one of the most powerful creative tools we have ever seen.
Spring Has Sprung and the Great Shoe Evacuation Plan
I don’t know about you, but lately every time I turn on the news, it feels like the world has gone completely bonkers. I’m writing this column whilst glued to Sky News, watching Trump berating Starmer, whilst the whole world seems to be blowing each other up.
Why can’t we all just get along?
Honestly, John Craven’s Newsround made more sense than the news does today. At least then it felt like someone was calmly explaining the world to you. Now the newsreaders all seem to have their own opinions and make sure they tell you exactly what they think. One minute you’re making a cup of tea, the next minute there’s talk of wars, borders, leaders squaring up to each other, and everyone on television looking terribly serious while pointing at maps.
Now I don’t pretend to understand global politics. I barely understand Chelmsford parking restrictions. But watching those reports of people suddenly having to leave their homes — packing their lives into a suitcase and fleeing across borders — did make me stop and think. Not about geopolitics. About packing. Because let’s be honest: if someone knocked on my door and said, “Right, you’ve got ten minutes, you need to leave immediately,” my first thought wouldn’t be about international diplomacy.
It would be: “How on earth am I supposed to get all my clothes and shoes into one suitcase?” One suitcase. It’s not happening. Have you ever tried that as a woman?
Men could manage it. A man would grab a jumper, two pairs of socks, his phone, and then spend the next two months moaning that he had no clean underpants and couldn’t call you because he forgot his phone charger.
Women need options. What if the weather changes? What if there’s a formal event? What if you end up somewhere where ankle boots are socially inappropriate? These are important considerations.
I watched one news report where a poor family had their entire life packed into two small bags. They were given ten minutes to get out. Meanwhile, I can’t even go away for a weekend without taking three outfits I never wear and a pair of “just in case” heels. It’s got to the point where it’s actually cheaper for me to fly Business Class — where they give you about 74 kilos of luggage allowance — than it is to fly on Ryanair.
I simply cannot do capsule anything. Imagine trying to cross a border while dragging a suitcase full of shoes. I have over 600 pairs, and every single one of them has a story to tell. “Habibi come to Dubai” No Thanks – not if it means risking my suitcases being blown up.
Border guard: “Do you really need all of these?”
Me: “Well, yes, actually. These ones are practical, these ones are comfortable, these ones are for evenings, and these ones are purely decorative but emotionally essential.”
Women will understand this immediately. Men will say, “Just take one pair.”
One pair? What are we — animals?
Of course, the irony is that most of us here in the UK haven’t exactly been enjoying luxury living lately either. Not if you’ve tried to heat your house this winter. There we were, cheering for the day we could finally turn the heating off and stop worrying about whether it was heating or eating — something far too many people have had to think about this year.
Just when we think the good times might be around the corner, we discover gas and petrol prices are going up again. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I was properly warm indoors. You know, the kind of warm where you can actually walk around the house in your underwear without seeing your own breath. British houses seem to be built with the insulation properties of a crisp packet.
I live in a supposedly Triple-A rated energy efficient house with an EPC rating of A — like it’s some sort of badge of honour — and let me tell you, my 100-year-old farmhouse was warmer.
You turn the heating on and immediately start Googling how much debt you have to be in before bankruptcy becomes an option. At this point, adjusting the thermostat feels less like comfort and more like a high-stakes financial decision.
“Shall we put the heating on?”
“Only if we want to sell a kidney!”
For most of January, I was basically living in layers. Two jumpers, thermal socks, a blanket, and a hot water bottle, permanently attached to my torso like a life-support system. I even wore gloves indoors at one point. Gloves. In my own living room.
There were moments this winter when I genuinely wondered whether we should just abandon milk altogether and start putting vodka on our cornflakes instead. After all, those Russians have been drinking it for centuries to ward off the cold. At least it might warm you up before leaving the house.
“Good morning darling, Frosties?”
“No thanks, I’m on the Smirnoff Bran Flakes diet.”
Mind you, if it caught on it would probably solve the heating crisis. After one bowl, you wouldn’t even notice the cold.
But the strange thing about being British is that no matter how ridiculous things get, we carry on. We complain — obviously — complaining is practically a national sport. But we also find a way to laugh at it. We laugh at the weather. We laugh at the news. We poke fun at what people are wearing.
“Look at the state of him!”
We laugh at the absurdity of trying to survive winter in a house where the radiators appear to be purely decorative.
And somehow humour becomes our national coping mechanism. Because when the world feels slightly chaotic, laughter is often the only sensible response. That, and tea. Lots of tea.
So yes, the news might feel overwhelming sometimes. The world might look a little uncertain. But here in Essex we’ll do what we’ve always done. We’ll put the kettle on. We’ll complain about the heating bill.
And if we ever do have to suddenly flee across a border — even if it’s just into Kent or Hertfordshire — you can absolutely guarantee one thing. Somewhere in the crowd, there will be a woman from Essex dragging a suitcase the size of a small wardrobe behind her.
That will be me. Not filled with valuables. Not filled with essentials. Just shoes. Because if we’re starting a new life somewhere else, we might as well arrive properly dressed for the occasion.
Stay safe, duck and dive — and make sure you thrive.
A Serious Note
I just wanted to say a very big thank you to everyone who has contacted me over the past two months. I’m so happy my columns are making you laugh, and it seems the supermarket shopping column really struck a nerve of frustration.
I’ve been writing these columns for over twenty years with the aim of always putting a smile on the faces of those who read them. Every single person who has stopped me to say kind words, to tell me I made you laugh or smile — your lovely comments mean the world to me.
