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CONTENTS DECEMBER 5, 2018 VOL42 NO16
COVER PHOTO: Jeremiah Corder COVER MODEL: Marquise Netters, fitness model and go-go boy at Charlie's Nightclub COVER STORY: Racism in Denver's Gay Dating Scene (pg 24) 4 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
SERVING THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY OF THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS SINCE 1976 PHONE 303-477-4000 FAX 303-325-2642 WEB OutFrontMagazine.com FACEBOOK /OutFrontColorado TWITTER @OutFrontCO INSTAGRAM /OutFrontColorado FOUNDER PHIL PRICE 1954-1993 ADMINISTRATION info@outfrontmagazine.com JERRY CUNNINGHAM Publisher J.C. MCDONALD Vice President MAGGIE PHILLIPS Operations Manager JEFF JACKSON SWAIM Chief Strategist EDITORIAL editorial@outfrontmagazine.com RYAN HOWE Editor ADDISON HERRON-WHEELER Associate Editor KEEGAN WILLIAMS Copy Editor BRENT HEINZE Senior Columnist INTERNS: Arianna Balderamma, Veronica Holyfeld, Madeline Espinoza WRITERS: Alysha Prieto, Caitlin Galiz-Rowe ART art@outfrontmagazine.com DESIGN2PRO Graphic Designer CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS Charles Broshous Cover photo by Jeremiah Corder Cover model: Marquise Netters MARKETING + SALES marketing@outfrontmagazine.com BENJAMIN YOUNG Director of Sales & Marketing BRENNAN GALLAGHER Marketing Executive QUINCEY ROISUM Marketing Executive KELSEY ELGIE DOMIER Marketing Executive National Advertising Rivendell Media 212-242-6863 | sales@rivendellmedia.com
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By Ryan Howe Photos By Veronica L. Holyfield
The Evolution of
Midtowne Spa The Success of Denver's Long-Standing Bathhouse
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with the always-evolving culture that exists within the LGBTQ community. It’s through leadership and eye for detail that Midtowne Spa has outlasted most of its brethren. “It’s not easy work,” Clarke said. “A lot of time and energy has gone into making Midtowne what it is today.” In the late 90s, when Clarke first started working, Midtowne was one of three bathhouses in Denver alongside the now-closed Triple C and still-standing Denver Swim Club. Right from the beginning, Clarke noticed some things that needed to be changed. “We had two people who had completely moved in,” he said. “I’m talking hot plates and posters. They were the first to go.”
J
im Clarke is no stranger to change. After his time in the Army, he transitioned to the food industry, which eventually forced him into the Mile High City. Not long after moving here, he made a career jump from the food industry to LGBTQ nightlife, landing a job at the now-closed gay bar The Fox Hole Lounge. His time bartending there was short, and it wasn’t long before a regular customer offered him a job outside of the bar. “I had no idea what this man did, and I told him I’d come in for an interview one Sunday,” Clarke said. “When he told me to meet him at Midtowne Spa on Monday, I had to do a lot of soul searching before walking through those front doors. That
day, he hired me as assistant manager. That was 22 years ago.” Denver’s Midtowne Spa is one of the few gay bathhouses left that share the same name. After decades of operation and nine locations around the country, Midtowne Spa has only three locations still in business: Denver; Los Angeles; and Wilmington, California. After Denver Midtowne’s general manager left the chain, Clarke was offered the position. Again, after sleeping on the decision, he decided it was too good of money to pass up. Although his workforce changes came to a halt in 1996, Clarke was now in charge of something bigger—changing
He then began noticing some regular customers, and even staff members, selling drugs out of certain rooms. They were next on the list. As long as gay bathhouses have been around, they have been filled with gay and bisexual men looking to get laid and fueled the stigma that surrounds gay sex. Bathhouses were a source of contention—to some they were integral to gay culture; for others they were dangerous. That stigma and shame intensified as the AIDS epidemic grew, forcing many bathhouses to close their doors. Today, even with new drugs that prevent the spread of HIV, preexposure prophylaxis (or PrEp), and the knowledge that those with an undetectable viral load cannot transmit OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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the virus, Midtowne is still riddled with the association of being a place where diseases are spread. “We work really hard to make sure that our guests are having safe sex and have the resources to get privately tested onsite,” Clarke said. “That’s a really, really big deal to us.”
Stanning Safe Sex Midtowne Spa has a zero-tolerance policy for bareback sex. Condoms are scattered throughout the maze of public and private rooms. Anyone caught in the throws of unprotected sex is banned for a length of time. If they are caught a second time, they are banned for life—from all three locations. The spa also offers testing opportunities for its customers weekly as well as at special events. For Alex*, a regular at Midtowne, it’s one of the few places in town where he feels comfortable getting tested. After moving to Denver from Chicago, Alex was looking for a bathhouse to replace the Windy City’s Steamworks Baths. After visiting both Midtowne and Denver Swim Club multiple times, Alex decided to make his regular spot Midtowne while still visiting DSC occasionally. “There’s no judgement in the atmosphere there,” Alex said. “Everyone who walks in knows what they are walking into. I don’t feel judgment from the person testing me; I don’t feel judgment from the staff, and I feel safer when I leave the testing room.” In August, at the biennial National STD Prevention Conference, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) presented preliminary data from 2013 to 2017 showing trends in STDs. The data showed that from 2013 to 2017, “increases in STD cases have continued for four consecutive years; syphilis cases nearly doubled, gonorrhea cases increased by 67 percent, and chlamydia remained at record highs.” In addition, the CDC has determined that these statistics disproportionately affect men who have sex with men, since the reported incidence of many STDs is higher among this group than among women or men who have sex with women only. 8 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
According to STI/HIV data published by the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment, the state of Colorado saw similar upward trends in reported incidences of STDs. For instance, in 2010, the DPHE reported 19,447 cases of chlamydia, 2,787 cases of gonorrhea, and 138 cases of syphilis. In 2016, the total amount of cases for all three STDs increased. The DPHE reported 25,569 cases of chlamydia, 5,975 cases of gonorrhea, and 524 cases of syphilis. Midtowne currently works with both Denver Public Health and HeyDenver! to offer these testing days. “I’ve contracted a few things over the years. But that’s why I continually get tested, so I can treat it and prevent spreading it,” Alex said. “I’m going to continue using this resource as long as they provide it.” For Clarke, preventing the spread of STDs in his establishment is only one of the battles he faces. He is constantly on alert for drug use within the walls of Midtowne. There is a zero-tolerance policy for drug or alcohol use. All bags are checked at the door. And anyone caught breaking this policy is immediately banned for life. “We know all the tricks. We’ve seen them before, and you’re not going to get away with anything in here,” he said. “We’re on all the apps and websites checking for people. We notice behaviors, and we aren’t shy about approaching people. We take it very seriously—we want all our guests to feel safe and comfortable here.”
Changing With the Times The changes didn’t end with the clientele and policies. Over the past two decades, Clarke has updated the aesthetics of the club. He worked hard to get the exterior painted to a more natural color rather than the “nasty green that they painted in the 40s,” and even harder to make sure the space inside the historic building was welcoming to anyone who entered. Alongside the private testing room, Clarke revamped almost everything: the patio, the group room, the dungeon, the locker rooms, show room, and the vending area. He also added a TV lounge.
Currently, he is re-tiling the wet area, transforming it into a mid-centurymodern-inspired area of the spa. “I’m working hard to make the next project updating the rooms,” Clarke said. “I’m hoping we can start next year once the wet room is all finished. We’re seeing more and more people come through those doors, and I want to make sure they keep coming back.” For Midtowne regular Randy*, it’s not the updated design or easy access to testing that inspires him to renew his membership, but the clientele. “I’ve been to bathhouses everywhere, and this place is where I feel the most comfortable,” Randy said. “As long as you follow the rules, they are never going to turn anyone away. You see a lot of different types of people in here.” Midtowne Spa prides itself on being inclusive to all gay and bisexual men, no matter their appearance. Although they don’t allow women in the club regularly, as long as your ID declares you male or you are male presenting, you are let into the spa. But, Midtowne Spa started something unprecedented in 2017—the gay bathhouse opened its doors to the entire world. Anyone over the age of 18 was welcome to the first ever Panorama Party. Clarke, who is always open for change, didn’t know how people would take this. But people accepted the idea, as the line to get into the spa was around the block, literally. “At first, there was very clearly a divide. All of the gay men were on one side, and all the females and their partners were on the other,” Clarke said. “By the end of the night, some girl had four gay guys bent over a couch while she pegged them.” In 2018, Midtowne Spa hosted three more Panorama parties, drawing in people from all over the nation. Every party has hit maximum capacity, forcing it to only take place in the summer months at Midtowne. But, other bathhouses are taking note and attempting to implement similar nights at their establishments. “We always have to be changing with the times,” Clarke said. *To protect the privacy of sources, some names have been changed.
Vibrant
Fundraising, With Pleasure Photos and Story By Veronica L. Holyfield
I
n the world of nonprofit, the never-ending voyage of seeking and acquiring funding can often feel like an endless, uphill battle that is as infuriating as it is futile. Banging their heads against the wall to generate new and innovative ideas to bring in the dough, some have found a way of doing it right—like the partnership between Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains (PPRM) and Vibrant. Vibrant, an online sex toy store, is more than just your typical one-stop-shop for all things naughty and nice. Conceived in 2014, the company was specifically designed to develop a new revenue stream to much-needed areas of PPRM, offering philanthropists an opportunity to feel good in more ways than one. Many backers of the Planned Parenthood 1 0 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
mission would much rather see their donations go directly toward helping people in the community through education services or low-cost health care. This is why Vibrant’s business model is genius. Money is brought in through Vibrant’s sales channel directly into covering necessary expenses that donors don’t particularly want to see their money going to, but that are still a very necessary part of day-to-day operations. The donations cover things like plumbing repairs, air conditioners for the clinics, and new carpet for the waiting rooms. “In a way, we created a sexy company in order to fund the not-so-sexy stuff,” Angela Wells, founder and CEO, said. Wells comes from the family of Planned Parenthood, having worked within the
clinics for the better part of 15 years. With a good perspective of internal operations and a sightline into the behind-the-scenes, she could easily calculate gaps and knew there had to be a creative way of bringing in additional funding to the organization, all while remaining aligned with PPRM’s mission of sex and body education. “Planned Parenthood does a really good job of educating people about how their bodies work,” Wells said. “Harm reduction, how to keep themselves safe... but then the mission sort of stops. That’s where Vibrant picks up, talking about sexuality from a pleasure lens.” Wells believes that education and support empowers all people to be the most sexual beings they can be, and Vibrant is an avenue of getting them there.
“There’s a hunger within our society; every time we encounter folks in a faceto-face setting, people want to talk about sex,” she said. “We sell items that help people have that full empowerment, where they feel that they have that full ownership of their own orgasm.” A core value of the brand is ensuring that they are inclusive, as they extend that empowerment to a diverse range of people seeking orgasm. “Not seeing it through an, ‘I am a perfectly-abled heterosexual’ lens is really critical to us,” Wells said. “We want to reach out to those folks who might feel marginalized, and that might mean people who are differently abled. Also, I feel like we need to make sure that we create a safe space for our friends in the trans community or folks that identify as nonbinary or gender nonconforming. They steer away from gender-specific brands and messaging as well. Tabs on the website are labeled “For me,” “For us,” and “For the vibe.” As a company, they see it as their responsibility to continue to strive towards inclusion and remain open to feedback from community partners, supporters, and clients. They were branded an LGBTQ ally company by Queer Asterisk, a team of queer and trans therapists who provide services to the LGBTQ communities. As a PPRM company, it is clear that Vibrant is adamant about being a wealth of knowledge to the community. With many Planned Parenthood educators on staff, they exhibit an inherent instinct of how to talk to people in a non-judgmental way about sex and
their bodies. Additionally, the website provides comprehensive information and specs on all the body-safe toys and products they sell, as they take accuracy and safety seriously. They recognize the unfortunate lack of consumer knowledge of the dangers associated with purchasing toys made out of poorquality materials. “It’s not sexy when you’re talking about sex toys to then say bacteria, infection, potential cancer-causing product, but it’s a necessary part of the conversation,” said Gina Cannon, who works closely with Vibrant. “It makes complete sense with Vibrant being inspired and backed by Planned Parenthood; of course we’re going to take that into account.” In the vein of communication and community outreach, PPRM and Vibrant collaborate on projects consistently, the latest being a drag bingo event at The Drop inside the Denver PPRM location at 14th and Emerson. Offering their services and support to the queer community as a whole is of the utmost importance. At the 2018 Denver PrideFest, 10 percent of sales were donated to Queer Asterisk, and they regularly provide donations in the form of product for fundraising events to local organizations in alignment with the Vibrant mission. Wells explained that it’s really about getting involved in the community through education and humanizing the conversation about sex that breaks down barriers and stigmas attached to the experience of shopping for toys. They seek to ensure that that their presence fosters a space which allows each person to feel comfortable in exploring
their own wants and desires through whatever sexual journey they are on, and remove the pressures associated with sex and orgasm, not seeing the deed as either success or failure. “When we think about orgasm, one thing that’s not really talked about too much is, many times we think of it as ‘I was either successful at it, or I failed,’” she said. “That’s not healthy for everybody; it’s more of the journey in getting there. Sometimes you’re successful and have an orgasm, and that’s fantastic. Other times maybe it doesn’t happen, but really embracing all of the things that happened along the way is so much more of a healthy perspective. “Me and my partner have an understanding, and so there’s no feelings of inadequacy if one of us doesn’t have an orgasm. For me, that’s incredibly empowering. To know that I can go pull a vibrator out of my closet and say, ‘I’d like to use this tonight because that’s what is going to feel good to me.’” Ultimately, Wells hopes that, through Vibrant, conversations about sex can be all-encompassing, embracing both the education of safe sex, as well as sexfor-pleasure, for all. “Normalizing pleasure for everyone is this big vision that I have for our world. I have a vision of young people feeling comfortable in their own skin and being the people that they want to be," Wells said. “When we think about sexuality, we also want to think about gender expression and identity and orientation, seeing all people and giving them the opportunity to be the most authentic person that they want to be.” OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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Between the Sheets Steamy Gifts to Warm Up Your Winter
By Addison Herron-Wheeler
N
othing says love this Holiday season like a steamy gift that will get you in the mood to hop in bed with your significant other, partner, or partners. But the sex toy and lube industry is one that is riddled with potential issues. Since there are no strict regulations in place, toys and lubes can be made of pretty much anything. Luckily, we have companies like Vibrant and Privy Peach. Vibrant is affiliated with Planned Parenthood, and a portion of their proceeds go to help the nonprofit with clerical stuff. All of the toys are made from body-safe and planet-safe materials. And Privy Peach is a lube company that uses CBD and other natural ingredients. Vibrant first started when their CEO, Angela Wells, realized that Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains needed a way to keep their lights on and refinish their offices, but there wasn’t a “sexy” solution to raise money for those kinds of expenses. Kim Koehler, founder of Privy Peach, started the company after getting out of an abusive relationship as a way to combat sexual trauma. Clearly, if you’re going to buy into the commercial rigamarole of the Holiday season, these are some good people to give your money to. Here are a few quality picks from both companies to keep you nice and warm this winter. 1 2 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
AVANT’S BLUSH D2
This amazing piece seriously puts the “d” in dildo. There are plenty of ways you can use it, from suction cup action to strap-on compatibility. The shape is super pleasure-inducing, and the purple makes it both cute and perfect for queer couples. It’s a really basic piece, but also one that no one should be without. And since you’re getting it from Vibrant, you can rest assured that it’s body-safe, and the money goes to a good cause.
NS NOVELTIES’ SHI/SHI 2FER This double-ended dildo is a must-have for couples, especially couples where both parties have a vagina. It’s kind of the same idea as a bed where both sides are adjustable, so each member of the couple can get a personalized night of sleep. One side can be ramped up to a super-intense, vibrating pulse while the other side is left off altogether. It’s also very pliable, making it a great toy for couples of all body types. And the sleek size and shape make it the ultimate tool for pleasure.
TENGA’S IROHA MINI Simple and classic, everybody needs a vibrator. This little buddy will do the most for people with vaginas seeking clitorial stimulation. The cute size and subtle shape are awesome, and there are plenty of settings. It definitely packs a punch, and it can go anywhere you go.
PRIVY PEACH’S COCO JAMBO This infused, exploratory lube is amazing for anyone but especially for people looking to explore anal pleasure. The CBD in the lube helps make penetration more pleasurable and minimizes any associated pain. It also has the amazing smell of cocoa butter. Not only will you feel great, but you can rest assured that everything you’re using for pleasure is completely safe.
PRIVY PEACH’S SENSATION ENHANCING EROTIC OIL This lube is great for those looking for vaginal pleasure. The erotic oil adds a boost for those who wish to increase sensation when it comes to sex. It also smells great. While one would think CBD has a numbing effect, when done right, it can create a tingling that adds to pleasurable sensations. This is a must for those who have sensation issues or just anyone wanting to take pleasure to the next level
NAUGHT Y PEACH AC TIVATED CHARCOAL CBD BATH BOMBS Coal in someone’s stocking is the perfect gag gift, but this year, you can actually give the gift of coal that someone is going to want. Privy Peach’s activated charcoal bath bombs are a great way to clear up your skin and enjoy a soothing bath before you get busy in the bedroom.
PRIVY PEACH’S SANTA COOKIES CBD INFUSED LOTION This will have you smelling sugary-sweet for your significant other. Plus, it makes an absolutely adorable gift. Who doesn’t like cookies? A lot of sweet lotions with Christmas scents are full of preservatives and artificial ingredients, but not Privy Peach products. This is one you can feel good about lathering up with.
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By Addison Herron-Wheeler
In Case You’re Curious
Planned Parenthood Rethink Sex Ed
“W
hat would happen in this scenario if both people have vaginas? How can two partners with penises stay safe during sex?”
This kind of language may be familiar to most queer readers interested in intersectionality and sexuality, but it’s not familiar to a lot of high school students. Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains’ sex education program would like to change that. “This is something that we’ve been doing for about 30 years now,” explained Daniela Fellman, program manager of texting initiatives with the Responsible Sex Education Institute with PPRM. “It’s something we’ve always thought is a huge part of sexual health. Educating people, giving people developmentally appropriate, medically accurate sex ed, is an extension of creating healthy sexual lives, so it just made sense." PPRM realize that sex ed in 2018 is a complex topic. For one thing, not everyone is able to get the information they need, not even from school or parents. And for another, teens learn differently than their older peers. Being brought up in a world of smartphones, social media, and fast technology has changed the way they interact. For teens who prefer to text, and teens who may not be able to get the knowledge any other way, there is the In Case You’re Curious texting program. Teens can text sex ed questions to a licensed health professional and get answers back 24/7.
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In addition to this program, they also offer sex ed within the classroom for schools that are open to the program. They mainly work with middle and high school students, and topics range from consent and healthy sexual relationships to STI awareness, birth control, puberty, and anatomy. These can be touchy subjects to talk about in the classroom, so the normal approach for sex ed is to split up the “boys” and “girls” and then proceed to talk about the dangers and risks of premarital sex. Planned Parenthood take a different approach. “Before we start, we go over group guidelines to make sure we are creating as safe a space as possible, and so I think that’s one of the key places where we start,” Fellman said. “What are our expectations, and how are we going to make this a safe space for all learners? And then making sure we follow those group guidelines, because if we just say it, we aren’t creating a safe space, so that’s first and foremost what we teach. Creating those group guidelines so the students, the teachers, us as educators, know what to expect of each other.” PPRM strongly discourage teachers from breaking up classrooms into male and female. Fellman explained that dividing students up this way can be traumatic for trans, nonbinary, or trans-questioning students when they have to choose one or the other, or get sorted into a category they don’t identify with. It also further perpetuates the attitude that sex is something dirty and taboo that shouldn’t be discussed in mixed company. “Sexuality is throughout someone’s lifetime, whatever that looks like, so to pretend that our youth aren’t being sexual— it’s not realistic,” Fellman explained. “We want to make sure they are having the best information possible, so they have the tools to make the best decisions for themselves. We stray away from scare tactics, because we know they don't work, and it’s not sex-positive to come at it from this perspective of, ‘STIs are scary, and if you get one it will ruin your life forever.’” Fellman admits, however, that talking about sex and pleasure with youth can be tricky and a fine line to walk. “I think one of the hardest parts about teaching sex ed is balancing the sexual health part and the pleasure piece of it,
because I think that’s one of the things that can get really scary for collaborators and parents, the idea of talking about sex in a pleasurable way with youth,” Fellman admitted. This may not seem like a novel approach, given the fact that many people in today’s society have embraced ideas of sex positivity when it comes to adults having sex. But the idea of being sex-positive with teens may seem like it encourages kids to have sex. However, that’s not the goal. The idea, as Fellman stresses, is not to encourage kids one way or the other. It’s to give them all the information available so that when they do have sex, whether that is during teenage years or during their 20s, they have a safe, consenting experience. Another goal of PPRM's is ensuring that everyone feels welcome and included. This definitely involves discussing same-sex and same-gender couples when they give examples of healthy and unhealthy relationships and answering questions about queer sexuality, but it goes further than that. The group chooses not to use the words “male” or “female” when talking about sex. Instead, they use “person with a penis” and “person with a vagina.” “All of our scenarios include gender-neutral pronouns and names, making sure we are representing lots of different relationships to make sure everyone feels included and represented. When we do anatomy, we focus on the parts; we don’t talk about gender. It’s really cool, because the students then pick up that language, and then they say, ‘If someone has a penis, is this what they do?’ and it’s really neat to see how quickly students adapt to that kind of phrasing.” With all of this knowledge, Planned Parenthood are teaching about more than sex when they go into a classroom. They are educating their students on intersectionality and inclusivity. “For a long time, we said we keep the education values-neutral, but that’s not exactly true,” Fellman admitted. “We come in with the value that all people should be respected; that sex ed is important, and that not all families look the same, and that not everyone is going to fall into a binary. We do come in with our own values, and we want to leave space open for people who have never heard those values before.”
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By Caitlin Galiz-Rowe
This Queer Podcaster Wants to Change How We Think About Sex Ed
S
ara Connell has worked in the sex education field since she was in college. In fact, she was one of CU Boulder’s first copyright strikes for the logo of her podcast, Sex Buffs, since she didn’t have the rights to the buffalo that was fornicating with another in the podcast art. It’s not surprising that she would go on to create a very successful podcast and business focused on sexual health, education, and redefining the parameters of what sex ed can be. “Queer Sex Ed is a business focused on changing the conversation around sexual health and sex ed in general, and some of that is to include LGBT-specific materials in sex ed. But it’s also a larger project than that, because when I’m saying ‘queer,’ it doesn’t just mean including queer people, but it means questioning how we think of sex ed as a whole,” Connell said. The work she does with her company includes the podcast of the same name, written articles, workshops, and public speaking engagements at conferences. So, how did this business come about? After college, Connell worked at Out Boulder County. She still knew that something was there in regards to her sexual health work and podcasting, but she couldn’t imagine not working at the nonprofit. Still, the idea kept persisting, so she started looking around at domain names. She found that queersexed.org was available and knew she could do something with it, so she bought it. She ended up sitting on it for about a year. In 2016, Connell met one of her partners, Jay Botsford, another trans person hailing from Wisconsin, at that year’s Creating Change conference. Both are sex educators, and after they dated for a while, Connell brought up her idea. Botsford came to visit Connell in April, and they recorded the first episode. OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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“One of the goals of the show was to create sort of like a curriculum, something that people could listen through and get things from, even if they go back to old episodes... We wanted it to be the type of thing where if you’re going on vacation, you can go download 10 episodes and just listen to it while you’re traveling.” A benefit of this curriculum being in podcast form is that it’s fairly accessible. Anyone can download episodes without having to face obstacles like permission from parents or access to more mainstream resources. If you have a smartphone or a computer, you can find a way to listen to the show with relative ease. Connell and Botsford both wanted to be able to have these conversations because they didn’t feel represented by a lot of the folks who do this work. Sex ed work is still predominantly geared towards cisgender and heterosexual folks, and many of the people in that space are skinny, traditionally attractive, white people. Connell wanted to add more diversity to this conversation. She also wanted to change the ideas being brought up. Sex ed is usually geared towards middle and high school students, and then the conversation tends to stop there. Connell doesn’t find that to be useful or productive for what people need to know to have healthy sexual relationships. “I think one important part of it is that sex ed starts when you’re born and then ends when you die. Like, we think of sex ed as very middle- and high school-focused, and when we talk about sex ed as a policy and a program and a part of life, I think we just think of these eight years in school as the only time these conversations happen, and then it’s over. I think to have really successful sex ed, you have to start when kids are really young.” Connell doesn’t necessarily mean having detailed conversations about sex or intimate relationships with young kids. Instead, it’s about teaching and encouraging them to assert and negotiate healthy boundaries and build a solid groundwork of good communication skills from the start of their lives, so they don’t have to do so much unlearning as teens and adults. Another aspect of Connell’s approach to sex ed deals with adults. “It’s also lifelong, in the sense that adults are always learning as well. Even if you’ve had the same partner for years, your desires might change; your interests might change; what you want to do might change, and your relationship might change. So I think adults are always engaging in sex ed, and I think it’s 1 8 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
important to keep learning, keep growing, and keep asking if your desires and needs are being met.” By encouraging healthy communication skills at a young age and encouraging continued growth and questioning as adults, Connell hopes to help people have healthier and happier sexual relationships. As the show and business continue to grow, Connell has big plans for the future. “I would like to see this become more of a community, like a space where people can find and meet each other instead of just getting information from us. I think that’s kind of the next step, whether that’s more of an online presence, a community space, an online community space, some kind of workshop, or online seminars. I think that would all be worth looking into.” As far as long-term projects go, Connell wants to pursue creating an actual Queer Sex Ed conference, likely somewhere in the Midwest, since it’s close to where Botsford lives and would make it easy for a lot of people to to travel from surrounding areas. She’d also like to start working on some more event-based activities like dungeons and sex parties. “I think it would be really cool to have places that are trans-run that are holding trans people at the center to make sure those spaces are as safe as possible for trans folks and for people of color, since those are both communities that struggle to find spaces in mainstream dungeons.” Providing alternate spaces for these folks to feel safe and welcome is something Connell hopes to use her platform to do in the future. In addition to centering trans identities in these spaces, Connell also wants to expand the shows she does into the media landscape which still lacks many prominent trans voices. Ultimately, she’d like to have a network of shows hosted through Queer Sex Ed with a variety of hosts, giving Connell the chance to do more behind-the-scenes production work. The Queer Sex Ed podcast itself just hit 50,000 downloads on 40 episodes, so Connell is hopeful about the continued growth and future opportunities. The future of Queer Sex Ed, and Connell herself, are looking bright. To find the show and other projects under the Queer Sex Ed umbrella, head to queersexed.org. To support the project financially, check out patreon.com/queersexed. Connell can be found on Twitter @QSEpodcast.
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Model Marquise Netters
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Racism in Denver’s Gay Dating Scene Three Men of Color Share Their Stories Photos By Jeremiah Corder By Ryan Howe
“My last ex was black.” “I’m just not into black guys.” “You don’t act Latino.”
T
hese are only a few examples of the racism that exists within the LGBTQ community and are much more common than many think. According to the LGBTQ charity Stonewall and YouGov, half of LGBTQ people of color have experienced discrimination or poor treatment from others in their local, queer community because of their ethnicity.
The survey of LGBTQ folks found that while nearly 32 percent of LGBTQ people have experienced some form of discrimination, that number rises to 51 percent for those who are black, Latino, Asian, or belong to another ethnic minority. An additional three out of five black, LGBT people said that they had experienced prejudice on account of their ethnicity. These prejudices translate into online dating as well. According to data released by OkCupid, white, gay men respond to messages from other white men 44 percent of the time but respond only 37.3 percent of the time to men of color. OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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White, gay men also respond less frequently to messages in general than gay men of color. On OkCupid, white, gay men respond to messages from all races at an average rate of 41.4 percent, but gay men of color respond to messages from all races at an average rate of 49.3 percent. Ironically, even though white, gay men respond to messages in general less frequently than gay men of color, they fail to attract the highest rate of responses to the messages they send. Middle Eastern gay men, on average, will receive about 48 responses for every 100 messages they send, while white, gay men will receive an average of 45. Black, gay men will receive about 36. It can be difficult to find your place in a community where you’re too often shut out by people who believe that exclusion is harmless, and even natural, as these queer men of color can attest to.
Marquise Netters Marquise Netters has not received a message on Grindr in more than a week. He’s not logging in every hour, but when he messages a potential date or hookup, he’s met with a few varying responses. “Sometimes they just ignore me; sometimes they ask about my BBC, sometimes they tell me they aren’t into black guys, and sometimes they block me,” Netters said. “The last message I got from someone, they told me, ‘My last ex was black.’ It’s made me cut back on dating and focus on myself.”
Model Josue Ledema
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Netters is currently a gym rat, working out every day to perfect his physique. It makes sense, considering his main income comes from working as a go-go boy at Charlie’s Nightclub— Denver’s country-themed gay bar. A job that he said has helped boost his confidence.
On any given weekend, patrons of the gay bar can see Netters proudly displaying his body on the go-go stage or in the new shower feature by the main bar. As folks come up and give him dollars, they often admire his body. However, he feels that some of the people shoveling him dollars are objectifying him. This is something that he has tried to brush off.
said. “Is it annoying? Yes. Do I block them? Yes. Do they block me? Probably. You can have your preferences, just like I have mine. Does it make it right? No.”
“You can always tell in their eyes,” he said. “For some, it is an appreciation. They see the hard work that goes into how I look, and they appreciate it. Other people seem like they are trying to buy my affection. That they fetishize my body and my color. They expect me to be and act a certain way, but I grew up in white suburbia.”
Denver native Jovan Bridges, better known by his stage name Yvie Oddly, had experiences surrounding race before he even understood the concept. Both of his parents are mixed race and came from interracial households. Both sets of his grandparents were revolutionary in their marriages and helped fight for civil rights in Denver.
Netters grew up in Aurora. As soon as he turned 18, he started going to Tracks on college night. The first time he walked in, he felt like he was entering a whole new world of freedom but quickly came to realize that the LGBTQ scene was very segregated by body types and physical characteristics.
“Even if you don’t experience direct racism, we are all living in a world that favors people who aren’t POC,” Bridges said. “Especially in our culture. I’m going to speak very bluntly here.”
As he grew in muscle mass, he noticed that gay men expected him to act, dress, and present in a certain way. He often felt fetishized by them and slowly stopped going out for pleasure. The first time he went to Pride was when he really noticed how segregated the community was. This problem, for him, has only grown in recent years, as Denver draws in mostly white, queer transplants into the Mile High City. “I’ve only been to Pride in Colorado, but the lack of diversity really turned me off,” Netters said. “I used to be obsessed with the show Noah’s Arc, and after re-watching it, I’m currently trying to get out to L.A. to see if I can experience a more diverse gay culture. I have to get away from these basic, white boys.”
Jovan Bridges
Like Netters, Bridges catapulted himself into Denver’s LGBTQ scene by going to Tracks once he turned 18. That was when he started to experience discrimination. Running around in a crowd of people with the same body type, fashion senses, and age range, Bridges’ “little group of twinks who knew our attractiveness and worth” started a competition of who could sleep with 100 guys first. The group eventually lost count, and the competition was cancelled, but the it had some serious ramifications on Bridges. “We would all act the same way and dress the same way; they ended up getting more attention, and people would look right through me, ignoring me,” he said. “At best, they would see me as a way to get with my white friends.
Josue Ledezma Josue Ledezma, a Denver transplant, only has one sexual preference. “You have to be hung,” he said. “I’ve never been into a specific race, so when people ask me what my type is, I just say ‘hung.’” Ledezma was born in a college town in Mexico. His father was studying to be a pastor for an international church, and when he graduated, he moved his family around for a while before landing in the U.S. Shortly after turning 18, he met a man named Richard at a bar. Richard was very wealthy and known to only date Latin boys. “At first, it feels cute. I felt admired,” Ledezma said. “So I went along with it, but as it went along, I felt more and more fetishized. He was definitely into the fact that I was Latin more than anything else. He wanted me to be submissive and basically a kept house boy. But I was independent, made my own money, and was very outspoken.” After that relationship ended, Ledezma continually ran into that same stereotype as he navigated the gay dating world here in Denver. “People would sometimes tell me, ‘You don’t act Latino.’” “You always run into people with specific ‘preferences’ or ideas about who you are when you’re looking online,” Ledezma
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“This is so destructive to people who come out to this space that is supposed to be embracing of everything you are. We’ve already had to fight to prove that you deserve the same chances for love that everyone else does.” Bridges continued, “It has affected me in a way that when I look in the mirror or see myself in a photo, I know I’m an attractive person. But as soon as you get me with someone else, I desexualize myself and close myself off. I don’t want to hear anymore, ‘I’m just not that into black guys, or I’m really glad we’re close, but look at how beautiful this white guy is.’ It’s weird to know I’m playing by a different standard.” For Bridges, when he sees racism within our community, he follows in his grandparents footsteps and calls it out. He wants to illuminate the actions that are going unchecked. “I know other people have had better or worse than me, but by speaking about my experiences and feelings, I’m hopefully making this community better for the rest of the brown 18- and 19-year-old queers that are just now coming out to play.”
Model Jovan Bridges 2 8 \\ D E C E M B E R 5 , 2 0 1 8
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Photos and Story By Veronica L. Holyfield
Bedpost Confessions A Sex-Positive Narrative
O
n an evening in early November, the veil of night slowly descended upon the city of Boulder, enveloping the Avalon Ballroom in a mysterious darkness. An eager crowd scurried inside the double doors to escape the chill sweeping in from the Front Range. The mood was set to sexy, an illusive anonymity present as the lights were turned down low. Cascading fabric from the chandelier was centered over the audience like a canopy over a bed. A curiosity stirred, hopeful anticipation of what was to come: a night of storytelling of a taboo nature. The sixth Bedpost Confessions was well underway, and there was an energy of sex-positivity buzzing in air. Bedpost Confessions, an event that began in Austin, Texas
and has found a sister-home here in Colorado, is a part of the sex-positivity movement and acts as a vessel to provide a space for conversations about pleasure, desire, fantasy, and everything in between. “The sex-positive mission is welcoming all sorts of different voices that speak to sexuality, be it fear, humor, shame, celebration, sadness, joy,” said co-organizer Sophia O’Connor. “There’s such a huge gamot of experiences.” Lyndsey Lyons, another of the event’s organizers, said that since there isn’t a roadmap of how sex is discussed, and education is often lacking, this event is necessary. Sharing personal experiences of vulnerable times in their lives and sharing stories from their hearts brings people closer together. OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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While sex may not often be the topic of events hosted inside the Boulder ballroom, hundreds of people gathered that night to hear the tales of the microphoned confessors. Glorious adventures of a first-time fister, the not-so-subtleties of the lesbian experience and a reading of anonymous admissions of fantasies and kinks that had been written down by members of the audience were just a few of the titillating tales from the evening. Yet, as glorious and magnificent as sex is, not every story involving sex is positively positive. Such is true for a confessor who divulged their wish to originally share something light, fun, and even a bit naughty for the occasion. However, they were riddled with strife around the topic of sex due to lifelong experiences of sexual trauma and abuse and chose to confess their truth on that. O’Connor explained that the space is open for people to come with their feelings and their experiences, but calling it a “safe” space isn’t truly an accurate reflection of what the confessions are intended for. “Safety is an interesting concept, because a lot of people have experienced a lack of safety around sex,” she said. “A lot of what gets said on stage might make people feel a whole array of feelings that might in the moment feel unsafe. Are they unsafe; no, but we’re really not trying to shelter people from their experiences but rather gain self-awareness through noticing judgment, resistance, an unexpected turn-on. “We do the best we can to make it a safe enough space for people to come with their feelings, but people get triggered, people leave, people have their reactions, and it’s part of it. It’s messy,” O'Connor said. “I think one of the downfalls of always having a focus on sexpositivity and pleasure is we miss some of the nuances of the conversation,” said sex therapist and licensed social worker Will Logan. "Sex-positivity should not mean a mandatory positivity, and when it's oversimplified, the message can be received as, 'Everyone should feel positive about sex,' which is not true.” Society has sexualized the LGBTQ community to an even greater degree than most, and subgroups such as gay men are often perceived as hyper-sexualized. Those messages can be internalized as pressure. Limited discussions around sex positivity can leave people with a feeling that they are doing something wrong or messing up in some way because their sex isn’t frequent enough, good enough, or pleasurable enough. Logan continued, “Sometimes sex-positivity can look like: I need to be having sex all the time; I need to be having wild, raunchy, super hot, super queer sex, in order to be queer enough, to meet the standards that we have set up for ourselves within our own culture.” Being sex-positive doesn’t have to include sex with another partner or partners; it’s not about frequency or number of partners or types of sex. Often times, people who identify as asexual and demisexual also identify within LGBTQ communities, and they are left out of the conversation altogether.
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Logan works with clients on breaking down the expectations of performance-driven sex in addition to maneuvering through judgments, shame, and stigma when it comes to expressing wants or desires. They explained that what we like sexually can often give insight into an aspect of ourselves; something that feels taboo or like a shadow inside gives us information about something that excites us. “Often times, people want to know, ‘Is what I like OK? Does this make me bad, or wrong, or dirty?' We use these loaded words, and we have fear around that," they said. "It's really normal and common for people to worry about those things, and more often than not, those desires are a lot more common than we might think of them to be.” As the night progressed, the stories and admissions crossed the threshold from reserved into an uncensored freedom and bravery. An array of emotions was experienced: everything from flushed cheeks of embarrassment to full bouts or fits of laughter, and an occasional tear would glisten as it dropped from the eye of someone who understood the pain. Not every sexual experience is positive, and that’s OK. “Positive has such a dichotomous feeling to it, positive being the opposite of negative,” Logan said. “What I hope for is sex-authenticity, that people are authentically experiencing the kind of sex that they want to be experiencing at that period of time in their life or in accordance with who they are.”
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Pride as a Tool for Mental Wellness As a therapist who works primarily with queer people, I see day in and day out the effects of systemic oppression and bigotry on resilience. We are exhausted by society’s need for us to justify our humanity by constant misnaming, miss-pronouning, and misgendering, in addition to violence, hatred, and fear. The idea that Pride is a place where most of us feel accepted and no longer the outlier is not a novel one. But I’m thoughtful of how we rarely validate how essential these moments are to our mental health. In my own story, I have found that being surrounded by heteronormativity and misogyny drains me. I often feel like I have this battery pack of energy that I can use to manage those moments, and throughout the year people continuously take from
it. What is essential is identifying the ways we can recharge. Is it volunteering at Rainbow Alley to give back to queer youth? Is it coffee with people in our community whom we love and trust? Is it joining queer athletic leagues or social clubs? Or is it taking time out of your year to attend large gatherings of like-minded folks such as Pride? This kind of recharge is what provides us with resilience to better cope with anxiety, depression, and other forms of mental illness. So, my question to you is, where are your recharging stations? Do you know? Are you aware of how and when your battery is being drained? If not, let’s find out. Justin R. Lewis, M.A, LPCC – The Denver Element
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HEINZESI Facing Your Biggest Enemy By Brent Heinze
T
here will always be people around us whom we don’t like, even some we may see as villains in our life whom we would rather avoid and hope we will never see again. We can work on creating methods to fend off their bad attitudes or snarky exchanges, but what happens when our enemy has already penetrated our defenses and rushed in to wreak emotional havoc in our lives? I’m not talking about an outside entity. I’m referring to the struggle that happens in many of our heads. We can easily be our own worst enemy and have the potential to hurt ourselves more than anyone else on the planet could. This little, invisible demon on our shoulder whispers negative self-perceptions in our ears and attempts to convince us that we are terrible people. Most often, these ideas are inaccurate and paint us in an extremely bad light. Chances are that the venom we spew internally is quite viscous. Many times, we are more hateful to ourselves than most of us will ever experience from others throughout our lives. If we were subjected to the same type of aggressive abuse from others, we would press charges for verbal assault or beat the crap out of the person insulting us. We generally recognize how damaging mean-spirited comments can be from others, but they are no better when thrown at ourselves internally just because no one else can hear them. There are times when we may feel like we are a slave to our feelings, mostly when they are the self-deprecating ones that remind us we are awkward, unlovable, and have less than cover model good looks. Not only do these emotions influence our moods, but they can feel so real that they impact how we experience our reality. We risk acting like that stupid piece of crap that is unworthy of being happy or successful. We can also convince ourselves that nothing will improve for us, so putting effort into making our lives better is a pointless venture.
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IGHT We also risk getting used to feeling apprehensive, negativity, and selfloathing. It becomes common and normal for us to feel these ways, and we expect it to happen consistently. When these feelings aren’t present, we may feel even more uncomfortable since this lack of discomfort doesn’t seem normal or natural for us. We may also wrap ourselves in an “insecurity blanket” that provides the equivalent of a warm, comfortable snuggle even though it causes many negative impacts on our lives. This type of negative thinking can often happen with situations like intimidation. When other people intimidate us, we may attribute this to something like their handsome physical appearance or success in life. The reality is that people are intimidating to us because we feel intimidated by others, and it brings up our insecurities. It’s not that these people act in intimidating ways. Our negative thoughts bring up universal fears like abandonment, judgment, and rejection. Some will go to great lengths to avoid even the potential of experiencing these negative feelings. We may construct roadblocks to stop us from achieving those things we want but think we don’t deserve, won’t be able to accomplish, or it will take too much effort to gain. It can be easy to talk yourself out of going after something or someone you want. You might justify to yourself that maybe you just don’t really want or need it instead of admitting that your apprehension comes from a place of fearing failure or rejection. It would be more beneficial to build confidence, but it can be easier to focus on demotivating yourself from something challenging. At times, an overwhelming fear of the unknown can paralyze us into refusing to act on a desire. Our unfortunate reality is that most times, we operate in a world of undefined outcomes to our actions. We can hedge our bets and think about the most probable possibilities,
but none of us can be sure. We can choose to live in fear or embrace the fact that we all live our lives by making the best choices we can based on what information we currently have. It is more helpful in the long-run to address uncertainties instead of avoiding situations where these uncomfortable feelings are triggered. It can be easier to convince yourself to cover up your issues and pretending that they do not exist or effect you. In reality, they have the potential to hurt us regardless if they are hidden or out in the open. We all face a variety of challenges throughout our lives. Some of our early years were more difficult if abuse, poverty, violence, instability, or insecurity were present. There are also times where traumatic events happen later in life potentially due to loss of loved ones, substance abuse, or health concerns. Regardless of what happens to us, we are mostly responsible for our own success in life, and for the most part, we are also ultimately accountable for our happiness and feelings of fulfillment. Although we cannot always fight off problematic situations or people that cause us frustrations, we are hopefully not the root-cause of our own difficulties. Fortunately for us, most of these learned behaviors were gained throughout our lives and can also be unlearned. The first step in changing any pattern is identifying when it is happening. Listen to what you are telling yourself when feeling self-conscious, self-loathing, angry, uncomfortable, or powerless. This allows us to become more aware of our actions, and we can hopefully catch ourselves earlier in the process so it has less of a chance to spiral out of control. We have to determine what thoughts are helpful to hold onto and what things are detrimental to our happiness and success that should be discarded. If it doesn’t work or is gross, throw it out. Quit holding onto something awful like it was precious. This can be a huge challenge. It is important to celebrate successes when these types of defeating behaviors are overcome. They don’t have to be huge parties, but acknowledge that it took a significant amount of effort to begin working on changing patterns
that have been in your life for a good while. It is through these processes that people become more able to increase feelings of pride, satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment. We can break through social intimidation and feelings of inferiority, depression, and anxiety. It’s amazing what positive things can happen to us when we’re not beating ourselves down. Most of us have a personal, scary monster hiding in our closet or under our bed that is composed of many of our fears and insecurities. The more we feed it, the stronger it gets. We can help ourselves by learning how not to focus on those things that hurt us and make our monster stronger. Unless someone is saying something directly cruel to you, people rarely have the ability to make us feel stupid, fat, or insecure. Blaming others for bringing up our insecurities can keep us in a place of playing the victim. We all have elements about ourselves that cause us to feel less confident. Trust me, even those who you might perceive to have the perfect body and charmed life struggle with their own self-worth and have other internal issues. The only thing worse than the agony of defeat is the agony of self-defeat. At least when we put in the effort and fail, we can feel proud our efforts instead of our lack of initiative, because we were too scared and apprehensive to try something. The method of “fake it until you make it” encourages people to work on appearing less uncomfortable when faced with difficulties. By practicing this idea, people can actually begin to feel less anxiety and an increased sense of self-confidence. Part of working on those things that challenge us is to jump in and start working. As with most things, you must show up and be ready to work, not just talk about it. Take the time to plan out potential ways of changing patterns, but you will not know if these are effective until you try them out. It can take trial, error, corrections, multiple attempts, and lots of metaphorical skinned knees to learn how to do something well. It is important to quit being your biggest enemy and learn how to be your strongest ally. OUTFRONTMAGAZINE.COM
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