photo: {Nurtu red}
by Jen
Contents Physical Development
Cover
42 Waldorf Dolls: Why the Difference? By Connie Grawert
49 Learning an Instrument: A Guide By Tara Hashambhoy
66 A Carrier for All Occasions By Anne McEwan
68 Superfoods for Super Healthy Kids By Lisa Guy
72 Everyday Fermenting: When Food Goes Bad But Stays So Good By Dr Sarah Lantz
Emotional Development 6 Love Bombing: How to Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat By Oliver James
22 Problem Solving 101: Lifelong Skills Begin in Toddlerhood By Bonnie Harris
26 Big Age Gaps: Preparing Tweens and Teens for the New Arrival By Claire Eaton
28 Sibling Attachments: How Strong Relationships Between Siblings Develop By Kelly Bartlett
34 Raising a Child on the Autism Spectrum By Dr Pamala Seaton
46 How To Get The Kids Out The Door On Time And Still Feel Connected By Rachel Schofield
Intellectual Development
Spiritual 14 Making Home A Stress-Free Zone By Patrice Thomas
50 Nurturing Peacefulness By Kerry Spina
Mum and Dad’s Development 9 To Be A Nurturing Parent By Christina Fletcher
52 Doulas: Guiding Couples as they Navigate the Transition to Parenthood By Kristin Bechedahl
58 Breathing in New Life By Allison Davies
62 Breastfeeding: To Infinity & Beyond? By Robyn Noble
Regular Features 4 Your Letters & Photos 5 Ask Our Expert 32 Your Story 13 Adventures with Sam By Sam Smith
31 Beyond Birth By Julia Jones
37 Dad’s Corner
By Johnny Pillinger
45 Activity Time
By Emily Filmore
10 Magical Child
75 What’s Cooking?
20 Did You Know You Had A Science Laboratory In Your House?
76 Organic Gardening:
By Jenny England
By Eva Nislev
38 Finding The ‘Education’ In Educational Apps For Children Kathy Hirsh-Pasek and Roberta Michnick Golinkoff
40 Home Schooling: An Alternaive To Mainstream Education By Beverley Paine
By Artisian Wholefoods By Claire Bickle
78 Book Reviews
by Sharon Dowley
80 Product Reviews 81 Directory
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Editor’s Letter I’ve been thinking lately about the time we had William looked after (I don’t think I like the word ‘babysat’!) by my sister when he was 4 months old. It was the first (and one of the only) time we have left him with someone else. But this one night, 18 months ago, we were going to the theatre to see Mary Poppins. I remember that for weeks before I was working myself up to leaving him. It was only a few hours, but it seemed like it would be a lifetime. As any other first time parent, I had it all worked out! I would get William to sleep before we left. Well, that worked out in accordance with the plan. My sister came over at 6pm and William had just gone to sleep. I told her that William would arouse for milk at around 9pm, so heat the bottle of expressed breastmilk at around 8:45pm, then just lie down next to him in bed and feed it to him (we cosleep). I then explained that if he wakes up fully, let him finish the bottle and then put him in the baby carrier as he will go straight back to sleep. So, all instructions were given and we went off to the theatre. I was quite nervous leaving given it was the first time we had gone out alone since William was born. But I was coping pretty well! But then it all changed at interval … I called my sister to see how everything was going. Well … she told me that William was awake and didn’t want to go back to sleep. She explained that she was feeding him the bottle but that it leaked all over him, so she had to change his clothes. Then he did not want to sleep in the baby carrier, so he was up playing with his cousins. She said that he was happy and not upset at all. I got off the phone and started stressing. This had never happened before; William was a baby that had never woken during the night to play – not even as
a newborn. I worked myself up that much that I could not enjoy the rest of the show. I then called when the show had finished and he was still awake. That was over an hour later! What was going on? At the time, it seemed like the worst night of my parenting journey. We raced back to the car to get home as quickly as we could. I had to get home quickly because I was worried about … well, that’s the thing, what was I worried about? William was happy and playing with his cousins ~ he was not upset, not anxious … that isn’t something to be worried about is it? Looking back now, I realise that it was silly to be upset or worried that he was awake. What harm did it do? In fact, it was probably a good thing as he got to spend some time with his Aunt and cousins. I guess where I’m going with this is that as parents we tend to worry about things that really have no consequence. Some of us get so uptight about the most trivial of things ~ like our child’s sleep. Sometimes I think that we really need to take a step back and ask ourselves ~ at the end of the day, does x really matter? If I had asked myself that on that night I’m sure I would have been able to enjoy the second half of the show. So, I have been working on how to deal with these types of thoughts so that I can enjoy life more fully (as ‘worrying’ is never restricted to parenting!). So far, I have found that the best technique for me is to step outside of the situation for a moment. Imagine yourself as a silent observer ~ or even you looking back in a years time. Then ask yourself: 1. What is the worst thing that can happen? 2. How likely is it that the ‘worst’ will happen? 3. What is the best thing that could happen? 4. Is x going to affect my child for the rest of their life? 5. And my favourite: Will I laugh about this (or be so upset) in years to come? The answers to these questions have helped me to be able to ‘go with the flow’ and enjoy life with a lot more ease! As Mark Twain famously said: “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them have never happened.” Kristy Pillinger, Editor
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Kelly Bartlett, Kristin Beckedahl, Claire Bickle, Allison Davies, Sharon Dowley, Claire Eaton, Jenny England, Emily Filmore, Christina Fletcher, Connie Grawert, Lisa Guy, Bonnie Harris, Tara Hashambhoy, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, Oliver James, Julia Jones, Dr. Sarah Lantz, Anne McEwan, Roberta Michnick Golinkoff, Eva Nislev, Robyn Noble, Beverley Paine, Rachel Schofield, Dr. Pamela Seaton, Sam Smith, Kerry Spina, and Arnaum Walkley.
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Left: Jayden (almost 3yrs) snuggling with Zachary (4mths) Above: Levi (11mths) eating vegemite for the first time!
Above: Brydon (4yrs) and Hudson 2 yrs in their towel cocoon
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Your Letters What a timely relief to read your interview with Dr Sears. “Attachment parenting is an investment for the future”. Thank goodness! We have a very active and spirited 17 month old. We live in a community where we are not surrounded by other attached parents. Some days it feels so hard and like everyone else is finding parenting so easy with soundly sleeping babies. We continue on without controlled crying
and without ever being apart from our bub. We co-sleep, we baby wear and we respond sensitivly to her dislike of the car, and of the high chair and the stroller and of sitting still in general! Don’t get me wrong, she is a delight and we love her to bits but on a bad tired day we need reminding about the future. It is reassuring to know that it will pay off ... someday! Janiece
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Q
I find I am yelling at my children far more than I would like. I seem to lose my temper so easily; I don’t feel heard or acknowledged. I love and adore our 6 and 4 year olds, they are great, but after I ask them to do things several times they just ignore me. I do realise I am not doing much for myself anymore as I am so dedicated to being the best Mum I can be. How do I control my temper and communicate well with my kids so they listen and I do not feel like an ogre
A
Being heard and acknowledged is so important for our self esteem. It is right up there on the top of the list with ‘love’. I hear your frustration; creating some clear boundaries and using the way you communicate will help. Following are suggestions to assist in making positive changes. • Specific instructions will help your children hear you better, after the second request children will shut off, they usually do hear you the first time. • Tone and volume of voice is crucial in creating successful communication. • Yelling is intimidating and a child will go into a flight or fight reaction and become upset and this may result in rebellious behaviour. As you mention, yelling at children usually results in the parent beating themselves up, not a positive learning situation. When you ask for your child’s co operation:
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• Speak respectfully, be an example of how you expect them to speak to you and others. • Ask them to repeat back to you what you have said. In their own words is fine. • A calm, slower, deeper tone of voice with the intent of assertiveness works well. • A loving, firm ‘serious’ voice. • If you feel frustration building do your best to take a breath, (breathing is very important), let your body relax and lower your tone and volume. • Your body language and eye contact while communicating with your child, or anyone else, is crucial in the total expression of your verbal message. However, if your children decide to become hearing challenged after giving them an instruction, and you are suddenly invisible to them, here are some positive actions to create successful communication: • When talking to a child to be at their eye level, it is less intimidating
• A gentle touch on their shoulder will help get their attention. • Ask the child to listen to you with their ears and their eyes. Creating eye contact stimulates parts of the brain that set of different Neurotransmitters helping us to retain information. • The eyes are the window to the soul, and also show what is happening emotionally for our children. • Thank them for being a good listener. In terms of the words to use, I believe that what you say is what you get. As such, focus on creating clear, loving messages, using empowering language. Create the outcome you desire, focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t. Then practice, practice, practice. It is important to remember that children can only be reasoned with when they are in a reasonable state. Timing is everything. If they are in a tantrum, teaching them how to do things differently next time can only be achieved when they are calm, feel safe and loved. The same applies to you, if you are about to ‘loose it’ remove yourself from the situation for a few moments and breathe deeply, and imagine a peaceful scene that is calming to you. Positive affirmations also help parents in a situation where our emotions get the better of us. For example: “I always do my best to speak to my family, calmly and respectfully.” You may choose to share with your child how to use affirmations. Being a role model, you too are learning and walking your talk, not just “do as I say, but do as I do”. Also make time to fill your own cup; it is vital in any healthy relationship. We have more to give when we feel satisfied. It is not selfish; a walk, going to the gym or a coffee with the girls, you deserve it. Consider the safety procedure on a plane; always put your oxygen mask on first then you are able to help your child. But, at the end of the day, we are all human and constantly learning and being challenged on many levels. When we have out of control moments because of anger and frustration we resort to using sarcasm and insults. There is always an opportunity to apologise as soon as calm has been restored. Apologising sets a wonderful example to our children in practicing compassion, understanding and forgiveness. Arnaum Walkley is a counsellor, parenting coach and accredited NLP Practitioner. Arnaum runs Parenting Solutions which provides practical effective solutions for everyday parenting problems.
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Love Bombing:
How to Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat Like adults, kids can sometimes get hard to handle. Or sometimes, they may just be acting differently, whether it is at school or at home. Oliver James has devleoped what he calls ‘Love Bombing’ to help your child get back on track
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In March
2010 I draws up a list. It doesn’t matter if that to make at the outset is the length of received includes lots of watching Sponge Bob time you will spend in the zone and the an email from Miranda, a very worried Squarepants: the key is that it is your frequency. At one extreme, you can take mother. She wrote that her son Tim, child who has chosen it. your child away from the family home then 9, ‘seems to not like himself and has Throughout the experience, you are for a couple of nights at a hotel or bed & no focus. He says he hates himself and trying, as much as possible, to give them breakfast (or rent a cheap campervan, as that he’s rubbish at everything’. A bright the feeling of ‘whatever I want, I get’ – one mother did). boy, he refused to do his homework and a very unusual one of being in control Alternatively, as many parents have was prone to temper tantrums. and of being gratified, as well as bombed done, the rest of your family can spend The solution that I proposed is called with love. the weekend with relatives or friends, Love Bombing, a method I developed You may be thinking, “Are you mad? leaving you at home with your child. to reset the emotional thermostats of My child is already a tyrant – rewarding There is absolutely no necessity to spend children aged 3 to puberty. It entails a him like that is just going to make it even any money to do Love Bombing. Many period of time alone with your child, worse!” This is quite understandable. parents have done a day away from offering him or her unlimited love and Love Bombing seems to fly in the face home, or just bursts of a few hours. control. It works for a wide variety of of conventional wisdom, which often In the case of Miranda and her common problems, severe or mild, recommends more control, not less, depressed son Tim, as a dual-income from defiant, even violent aggression, to when a child is not complying, and family, they could afford two nights shyness, trouble sleeping or away at a cheap hotel. ‘[Love Bombing] works for a wide variety of underperformance They settled in there common problems, severe or mild, from defiant, even on the Friday night at school. This is not the same violent aggression, to shyness, trouble sleeping or and set off into town as ‘quality time’, just hanging out with underperformance at school’ on the Saturday. Much of the time was your child. When you Love Bomb, you stricter, firmer reactions to undesirable spent just wandering around, a certain create a special emotional zone wholly behaviour. amount of shopping and a visit to an different from your normal life, with But the point is the Love Bomb zone aquarium. new rules. Over 100 families have now is separate from ordinary life. Out of Miranda recalled that just this day tried it, nearly all with positive results. that zone, you continue trying to set “made Tim feel very special, it definitely It has spread virally on the internet (not boundaries, consistently and firmly. In worked. I realise not everyone can afford to be confused with the Love Bombing fact, the Love Bombing experience will a hotel and shopping. And anyway, when done by cults!). feed back in a very benign way, greatly it came to spending money, Tim was So, how exactly does it work? First, reducing the amount of time you spend reasonable about absolutely everything, you explain to your child that sometime imposing limits, nagging and nattering much to my surprise.” Children who feel soon, the two of you are going to spend – the “Don’t do that”, “I’ve told you loved are less consumption-obsessed. time together and are going to have a lot before, put that down”, “Leave your sister After a peaceful Saturday night back of fun. Your child is going to decide what alone” into which all parents get sucked in the hotel with KFC and The X Factor, they want and when they want it, within sometimes. And it’s worth doing with on Sunday they pottered around again, reason. You give the message that this almost any child, even happy ones will did some more shopping and visited a is going to be a Big Event: It’s Coming benefit. zoo on the way home. Soon – How Exciting! Your child then A key practical decision you need As well as Tim feeling in control www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au
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