Nurture Australia’s
Natural Parenting
Magazine
SUNSCREEN: THE BURNING FACTS What’s in it & should you even be applying it?
RETURNING TO WORK
How to choose the RIGHT carer for your child
RAISING VEGETARIANS Do children get all they need from vegies?
HOME BIRTH
S um me r 20 12 Issue 03 $7.95
Why some women are returning home to birth their baby
SWEET POISON
What sugar really does to YOUR child
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Spiritual
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Contents Physical Development
Spiritual
12 Sweet Poison for Children By David Gillespie
23 Milk Sharing: Human Milk for Human Babies By Kelly Harper
32 The Burning Facts: Sun, Nanoparticles and Sunscreens By Dr Sarah Lantz
54 Tandem Breastfeeding
31 Tips for Raising Confident and Spiritually Aware Kids By Maureen Healy
52 Stress Relaxation: Being Great Models of Self-Care and Calm for Children By Patrice Thomas
62 Nurturing Patience By Kerry Spina
By Robyn Noble
64 Babywearing: When Carrying Requires Thought By Anne McEwan
70 Raising Vegetarians By Lisa Guy
Emotional Development 6 Discipline: Connection is Key By Kelly Bartlett
16 Understanding Bonding and Connection By Astra Niedra
19 Music for Nurturing and Wellbeing By Tara Hashambhoy
20 Controlled Crying: It is not ‘safe’; It’s still mean and still unnecessary By Anni Gethin
Mum and Dad’s Development
22 Judgement: How do we deal with the ‘elephant’ in the room? By Claire Eaton
26 Conscious Fatherhood Preparation By Darren Mattock
63 Returning Home: Why birth has come full circle By Kristin Bechedahl
Regular Features 4 Your Letters & Photos 11 Ask Our Expert 27 Your Story 57 Beyond Birth By Julia Jones
28 Handling Aggression: Part 2
43 Dad’s Corner
36 Mothers in the Workforce & the Village that Supports Them
69 What’s Cooking?
By Rachel Schofield
By Dr Deborah McNamara
44 Children & Trauma: What Helps? By Petrea King
Intellectual Development 32 Importance of Play and Quality Learning to Promote Childhood By Tracey Puckeridge
66 A Truely Nurturing Education Part 3 By Dr Andrew Seaton
By John Pillinger Fritattas & Avocado Sushi
51 Activity Time
By Emily Filmore
74 Organic Gardening: Give your Children Worms! By Claire Bickle
76 Book Reviews
by Sharon Dowley
78 Product Reviews 80What’s On 81Directory www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au
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I am quite judgemental. There, I said it! I really try not to be (especially as the editor of a natural parenting magazine), but the truth is, I am. I see babies crying without being picked up and I wonder why their caregiver isn’t picking the baby up (surely no one wants their baby to be distressed without being held) … I see newborns in a pram and wonder why they are not being babyworn (surely everyone wants to hold their newborn close) … I hear women ‘choose’ not to breastfeed and cannot fathom why (surely everyone knows breast is best ~ provided you can breastfeed) … I hear a woman say that she is going to try controlled crying and wonder how on earth someone can listen to their baby cry out and not go and pick them up (surely everyone knows that research shows how damaging it is for a baby). I think I’ve made my point! I know that people will be quite upset about what I have just written ~ and believe me, I’m not proud of it. But I’m hoping by writing this, two things might happen: 1. I will be able to bring my awareness to my thoughts so that I can turn it around; and 2. It may bring awareness to you as to whether you do it too! What has brought this on in my mind is a few of the posts on Nurture’s Facebook page. One in particular springs to mind. I linked to a blog where a woman seemed to be quite proud of the fact that she was going to leave her 8 week old baby with h e r parents so that she could go on a holiday because “it is not a vacation with an 8 week old baby”. I wrote “Well I wouldn’t. I couldn’t even imagine leaving my 13 month old for a night” ~ to which I was told encouraged other women to judge the woman. Now, my vision for Nurture is not to judge other women, but rather to support parents and provide researched i n for m at i on on raising
children. However, then someone posted:
“Making personal judgements about others choices is what establishes our own. It is how the human mind works, we notice, we judge the situation and we rationalize. The meaning of judgement changes with the person using the term. It can mean criticism to one, calling a spoon a spoon to another or it can merely be simple realization for one. We judge and compare our experiences against another’s to affirm our own beliefs in life. This is how we evolve and connect and it doesn’t have to be negative or offensive and on the flip side we don’t need to be defensive. Acceptance follows judgement if you allow yourself to move past this state of ‘my way or the high way’. Confirm your own belief system but be consciously aware enough to know that whether it’s ultimately right or wrong there are others who disagree and believe differently. Accept and move on freely knowing that their truth is as real to them as yours is to you. Many of you will judge this comment, its HOW you choose to judge it that shapes your own reality so judge away!”
Nurture Natural Parenting
Magazine
www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au
Editor
Kristy Pillinger
Graphic Design Karah Edwards
Photography
Spikey Hedgehog Photography & Depositphotos
Issue Contributors
Kelly Bartlett, Kristin Beckedahl, Claire Bickle, Sharon Dowley, Claire Eaton, Emily Filmore, Lisa Guy, Julia Jones, Petrea King, Dr. Sarah Lantz, Darren Mattock, Melissa Rogers, Rachel Schofield, Dr. Andrew Seaton, Arnaum Walkley, This made complete sense to me. I had tried for years to ‘not judge people’ however, it was something that ‘just happened’. Editorial Enquires: Now I know that it is not particularly the editor@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au judgement that I needed to change ~ it is my belief that my way is the ‘right’ way. So, Advertising Enquires: whilst I would pick my baby up when he advertise@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au cried, and babywear my baby to keep him close, choose to breastfeed until William Feedback: self-weans and not consider a ‘holiday’ one feedback@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au without my child, that is me – not others. To add to this, I would also like to work Subscriptions: on my compassion and empathy ~ especially subscribe@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au now while William is still young as I know that I am a model of behaviour for him. So Proudly printed in Australia by Webstar instead of harsh unwaivering judgement, Distributed in Australia by IPS I will try to have more understanding (eg. rather than think “why is that mother just Nurture is published four times a year letting her baby cry”, think “Oh, there must (March, June, September and December) be a reason why that mother is not picking by Nurture Parenting Magazine Pty Ltd up her baby” (eg. could be sleep deprived, baby could have colic, mother may have No part of this publication may be post-natal depression etc). I am a firm reproduced in any form whatsoever withbeliever in self-betterment! out the written consent of the publisher. So, as not everyone may have seen the All rights reserved. posts on Facebook, I asked Claire Eaton, one of Nurture’s contributors, to write an Content within this magazine is informaarticle on judgment in our society (page tion only and not necessarily the views of 8). I hope you enjoy it and get something the editor. It is not meant to be a substitute out of it because a world in which we can for professional medical advice. Please encourage compassion and empathy rather consult your healthcare provider if you than simple harsh judgment will be a better are in any doubt regarding any of this world indeed. information.
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Editor’s Letter
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Your Letters I’m not Alone!
I have just received my Winter and Spring issues of Nurture today. Kristy, your (first) editor’s note really moved me, felt like I was meant to be reading this Now! I then read the 2nd Editor’s letter, you mentioned an article by Robin Grille , “Parent Guilt” , I cried a bucket of tears of relief, thank-you for sharing your light with me and other women alike. “Heart to Heart Parenting”, a book by Robin Grille, was a huge part of my recovery from post natal depression, but still, I carried the guilt. I now know it might not be too late to have a similar conversation with my son, Josh....... and yes, Knowledge is Power ! I am still lucky in a sense that my husband, David, and I both worked extremely hard in finding what feels right from within when it comes to Josh. Listening and Trusting our instincts about breastfeeding, baby wearing, cosleeping (I’m still judged to this day for), listening to Josh’s needs instead of the nurses, doctors, friends, family and media. I am proud to say in spite of the initial challenges, Josh has always been a content, confident, kind, funny and joyous boy, on top of that, he is also a wonderful Teacher, we are his biggest fans. I was not planning to write a long letter, but just really want to express what an amazing shift this is for me, this world is better with people like you
and Robin. I am especially passionate about Women coming together, sharing and reaching out to each other, using our power of knowledge and compassion in a positive way. What a brilliant recipe to “Give Back” to ourselves, our children, family and the mother earth. Yeh-Lee, mum to Joshua (10mths)
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Fabulous Magazine!
I have 2 children, Dimitri 25 months and Ava 4 months old and I was adamant that I had the whole parenting thing all
Below: Layth (16 months) Going for a bushwalk
editor@nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au Above: Noah (7 years) At his school Spring Festival!
The ‘letter of the quarter’ will win a selection of 100% certified organic baby products (RRP $49.95) Above: Horovitz family having fun at the beach with puppy!
I’m more Confident now!
My son (William) is now 13 months old, and before finding your magazine I did not buy parenting magazines. I felt they were all to salesy and promote a lot of propaganda about the best way to raise your child. It becomes confusing, and I prefer to trust my instincts. I love your magazine, it is informative and relevant and it encourages “instinctive” parenting whilst providing information about a wide array of topics. I just got the second edition, and particularly enjoyed the article entitled “Can you hear me now”. I feel this is a very important issue which has not really been raised, and it has certainly made me re-evaluate my own phone usage when my son is awake. Thankyou so much for putting the magazine together! Im so looking forward to future issues! Kelly, mum to Will (15 months)
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sorted. I had read all sorts of books and thought I was completely prepared... After the birth of my first Dimitri, I struggled with the mainstream approach and suffered post natal depression. It took me 7 months to realize that attached parenting, co-sleeping, baby wearing worked for me and to be strong enough to stand up to the so many people who clearly disagreed with this approach!! I have not turned back and am enjoying every minute with both children now AND LOVE THAT I HAVE FOUND THIS MAG... Thank you!! Thank you for making me realise that I’m not alone in my parenting instincts, approach and beliefs!! Kelly, mum to Dimitri and Ava
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Right: Tu (3 years) Picking flowers for mummy!
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Left: Edie (10 months) snug in her baby carrier!
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Discipline: Connection Is Key Many parents are increasingly seeking non-punitive (gentle) discipline techniques. Kelly Bartlett explores how connection with your child can promote positive behaviour and provides everyday examples of ways in which parents can strengthen that connection.
t h e n is like treating strep throat with lozenges in all relationships they'll have and c o r r e c t . and sprays. The solution really lies at decisions they'll make. Here are some of Collect, then redirect. Connection before the source of the problem; antibiotics the best tools for working with kids to correction. It's been said various ways for strep, emotional connection for simultaneously solve behavioural issues by many parenting professionals, and discipline. Before asking, "What should and strengthen your relationship: for good reason. The key to successful, I do?" parents need to ask, "How is Listen: This might be the biggest long-term discipline is having a close our relationship? Am I emotionally and best action for building connection, relationship with an authority figure. available? Does my child feel connected and the first step in responding to to me?" When we address the misbehaviour. Hear them out. Don't This is where parenting begins. When children are having behaviour relationship first, all of the "logistics" of make assumptions, don't interrupt, problems, parents frequently want to discipline are infinitely more successful. don't do something else at the same The beauty of non-punitive parenting time. Reflect on their feelings without know, "What should I do?" They turn to books, friends, articles, and classes to tools is that just by using them, parents simply saying, "I know." Prove that you find new tools to get their child's difficult are strengthening the connection heard what they said and how they feel behaviour to stop. They want something between their children and themselves. by repeating it. Ask questions: "What to do about it—to be able to articulate a That's why the tools work. They use happened then? How did you feel? What concrete plan for changing the situation. empathy, respect, and communication bothers you most about it? " Children But what parents need to understand is to bring the relationship closer together. will listen after they feel listened to. that the tools are secondary to the Focus on solutions ‘The beauty of non-punitive parenting relationship. together: Blaming and The relationship of the tools is that just by using them, parents are shaming damage a child to the parent is the strengthening the connection between their relationship and waste children and themselves. ’ time. Focusing on how to solve a foundation for all "good" behaviour. Children inherently want The attachment grows stronger, and problem together invites cooperation to behave well for those to whom they children understand a parent’s love and and respect. "Our mornings seem to be are emotionally connected. Without a presence for them; they want to behave pretty rushed and stressful. What ideas strong attachment, there is no desire to differently for someone to whom they do you have for getting things done be like, please, take direction from, or are attached. Every disciplinary situation more smoothly? What is the hardest for resolved with positive parenting tools you? What would help?" otherwise follow a parent's lead. What this means for parents in versus punitive ones (like yelling, forced Do ‘special time’: Dedicate regard to getting through a child’s time outs, threatening, smacking, uninterrupted time with children every difficult phases of behaviour is that they removing privileges, manipulation, or day. You get to know them, and they get must focus on connecting with them— strict control) is a chance to develop a to feel known and valued (more closely building a closer, stronger relationship— closer relationship. bonded with you). A parent-child relationship based on before they focus on what tools to use. Show faith: Have confidence in your It needs to be ongoing, and it needs closeness, love, cooperation, and respect child to make their own decisions, fix to be the first thing considered when rather than distance, fear, control, and their own mistakes, and accomplish their responding to a behavioural situation. dominance ensures healthy emotional own goals. A child might make different Responding to misbehaviour with development. This relationship is key. It choices than you would, but your faith discipline that is strictly outcome-based sets a child up for a lifetime of success in your child generates confidence in
8 | www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au
Photos: Depositphotos
Connect
them and trust between both of you. And remember, just because they make a different choice than you would have does not mean it is the wrong choice! Make mistakes: Allowing and accepting mistakes facilitates trust. It lets children know they can trust you enough to come to you with their mistakes, and they don't ever have to hide them. Mistakes are OK, and you’re there to help. Kindness and firmness: Ensuring that your guidance is given with kindness and firmness reaffirms that you are an authoritative figure (firmness) who loves them (kindness). "It's time to brush your teeth (firmness), let's do it together (kindness)." Positive time out: Helping children find time and space to calm down when they're upset demonstrates respect for their feelings. A positive time out is about helping children recognise their emotions and teaching them to manage big feelings. Some children prefer to be alone when they’re upset, while others would much rather be close to a parent for comfort. Some enjoy music or books to help them settle, others simply want to cuddle with a blanket or teddy. In either case, when a child’s input is considered, time outs can be positive and engaging as opposed to punitive and isolating. Helping children find time and space to calm down when they’re upset— decided collaboratively between parent and child—demonstrates respect for their feelings. You are communicating, “I want you to feel better, not worse. Let’s find the best way for you to feel better.” Family meetings: These let children know their thoughts matter. They have an important voice in the family and everyone values what they have to say. Regular family meetings also express trust in children to help to solve family problems. Hug: Not just hugging, but any kind of positive, physical touch helps connect parents and children (see issue 1 for more information). Every touch, pat, massage, hair stroke, squeeze, hand hold, or full body bear hug is a physical reminder that, "I love you and I'm here— right here—for you." Do this often. Encourage (not praise): Focusing on their efforts rather than the outcome shows children that you value who they are internally, rather than simply what they can do or give you. "Wow, you sure didn't give up during that game!"
(instead of, "You won your game, good job!") (See issue 2 for more information) Connect eye-to-eye: Getting down to a child's level to talk to them is respectful and shows that you value them (rather than standing over them looking down, demonstrating that they are literally under us.) Empower: Sharing control with children (as opposed to having control over them) helps them develop their own skills. It lets them know that you trust their judgment. "It seems that there are a few options to solve this problem. I feel confident you'll figure out what's best." Validate feelings: When children know that their feelings are acceptable, they're OK to move on to solutions. Empathy communicates understanding, and children who feel understood feel securely attached. Appreciations: Letting children know what you appreciate about them or their actions helps bring you closer together. They love that you recognise their goodness, and they feel pride in themselves. "I appreciate you letting your sister play with that toy this morning. I
know it's yours, but she really enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing it!" Recovery: Recovering from your own mistakes is important for letting children know that you do want to be the best parent you can for them. What better way to tell them how important their feelings are to you than with a heartfelt apology for your mistake, and an offer to work on a cooperative, respectful solution. When your child's connection to you is strong, these positive discipline tools work beautifully. If your connection has slipped away from what it could be, these tools help get it back and help guide your child’s behaviour. When you aim for closeness and understanding first, kids are much more receptive to loving guidance. Kelly Bartlett is the author of Encouraging Words For Kids. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Educator and freelance writer with a focus on child development, family relationships and discipline. You can find more of her work at www. kellybartlett.net
www.nurtureparentingmagazine.com.au
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