CEDAR FALLS, IA
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026
VOLUME 122, ISSUE 25
New UNI Men’s Basketball coach announced By Buss Down Stelliana Knows How to Get Down
Cranjis McBasketball announced as new head Men’s Basketball Coach. On March 31, basketball legend Cranjis McBasketball announced that he will be the next head coach of the UNI men’s basketball team. This comes with great shock, as McBasketball has been on a world tour, playing and coaching basketball across the seven continents. McBasketball brings a top-scoring record to the UNI Men’s Basketball team. In every game he has coached and played, his team has earned gold. Often, McBasketball will step onto the court when his specific team is losing. “I think this will be so ballin’ for the team,” said Dunkalota Buckets, a UNI student and avid UNI basketball enjoyer. “I’m looking forward to seeing Cranjis break ankles out there.” Cranjis McBasketball, also known as Tanka Jahari, has been known to be a fan of pizza, especially on the court — where he is seen holding a whole pie. “My name is Tanka Jahari, but I would never order a whole pizza for myself,” said McBasketball-Jahari, after being questioned holding a pizza box on the free throw line.
Graphic/Lil Munny
UNI President Nark Mook announces new position as Sappa Kigma’s president
Graphic/Lil Munny
By Lil Munny I Love Cottage Cheese
In a move that has left faculty and students confused, University of Northern Iowa President Nark Mook announced Monday that he will be stepping down from his administrative position to pursue what he called “a higher calling” — serving as next year’s president of the Sappa Kigma fraternity. Standing behind a podium redecorated with Greek letters and what appeared to be a borrowed “Saturdays are for the boys” flag, Mook addressed a stunned audience. “Some leaders are called to serve institutions,” Mook said. “Others are called to serve brotherhoods. And a select few — like myself — are called to organize
themed parties and ensure the basement speakers are functioning at optimal levels.” The announcement comes as a surprise to many, given Mook’s previous focus on enrollment growth, academic excellence and using “pookie” on social media. According to insiders, the transition had been in the works for months. One anonymous fraternity member reported that Mook “absolutely crushed” the interview process. “He came in with a full PowerPoint on ‘Strategic Pong Placement’ and a fiveyear vision for tailgate expansion,” the member said. “Also, he brought snacks. Really good snacks.”
Faculty reactions have been mixed. Some expressed concern over the sudden leadership change, while others admitted they were “honestly impressed.” Students, meanwhile, seem cautiously optimistic. “If he lowers tuition and throws a decent party, I’m in,” said sophomore Jake Miller. In response to questions about his qualifications, Mook remained confident. “Leadership is leadership,” he said. “Whether you’re managing a university or deciding who forgot to pay for their way into the pong tournament, it all comes down to accountability.” Graphic/Lil Munny