The Stranger Vol. 23, No. 17

STUDY GUIDE

QUESTIONS FOR THE STRANGER , VOLUME 23, ISSUE 17

1a. If you can think of a single thing more annoying than CHARLES MUDEDE writing about hiphop, please explain what that annoying thing could possibly be.

1b. In his year-end hiphop wrap-up piece, Mudede’s claims to be of “the street” feel especially strained. One begins to get the sense that if Seattle were a more impolite city, he would have been “called out” on this point by now. Is this study guide racist for pointing out that Mudede is a middle-aged writer for an alternative weekly and so perhaps not the best arbiter of taste for a youthful, street-level art form?

2. This week’s feature is titled “What Music Did to Us in 2013.” It features some good writing (from DAVID SCHMADER, EMILY NOKES, and DAVE SEGAL) and some bad writing (PAUL CONSTANT, obviously). Rate the pieces from best- to worst-written and support your decision with textual evidence. If Constant isn’t your choice for worst-written, please readjust your ratings chart until it reflects reality.

3. GOLDY thinks downtown needs a new playground. Who cares? Is it our job to provide entertainment for other people’s children? It’s usually easy to discover where Goldy gets his story ideas by determining which liberal outfit

fed him the story—SEIU plays him like a shiny trombone, for example—so which liberal organization do you believe is behind Goldy’s crusade this time around?

4. This week, JEN GRAVES has bucked a four-year trend and written an art lead that is good. Part of the reason that her story is compelling is that it begins with an actual human being who is having an actual human problem. (In this case, the human is Virginia Wright and the problem is that her art space may be closing soon.) Write a letter of encouragement to Graves explaining that when you begin a piece like this, people want to read it, as opposed to her usual pieces, which begin with overinflated, undersupported grandiose hypotheses about culture, or a breathless description of some “art piece” involving flaming balls of cotton and photographs of nude Samoans with the Magna Carta written on their bellies.

5. DAN SAVAGE turns over the reins of his column to a clitoris enthusiast. Given that Savage is probably still in therapy to deal with the one time he saw a human clitoris, it was a wise move for him to bring an “expert” in. This brings up a broader question: Since Savage so obviously hates women, isn’t it time for a woman to write Savage Love full-time?

Evanne Hall

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Paul Kavanagh

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LAST DAYS

The Week in Review BY

DAVID SCHMADER

MONDAY, DECEMBER 16 This week kicks off in the collective imagination of the culture , where, over the past decade and a half, the perception of R. Kelly has somehow morphed to the point where the controversial R&B singer is a valuable artist with some regrettable misdeeds in his past. (Powering this forgiving perception: one great song, several dozen ridiculous chapters of an insanely ambitious video soap opera, and general societal attention-deficit disorder.) But as writer Jessica Hopper bracingly reminds us in the Village Voice today, the “misdeeds” in Kelly’s past aren’t of the sort that decent citizens typically overlook. Central to Hopper’s thesis: Jim DeRogatis, the esteemed music journalist who, at the end of last century, unwittingly found himself cast in the role of R. Kelly’s Great Accuser. “It has been nearly 15 years since music journalist Jim DeRogatis caught the story that has since defined his career, one that he wishes didn’t exist: R. Kelly’s sexual predation on teenage girls,” writes Hopper. “DeRogatis, at that time the pop-music critic at the Chicago Sun-Times, was anonymously delivered the first of two videos he would receive depicting the pop star engaging in sexual acts with underage girls.” From this intro, Hopper leads a wide-ranging interview with DeRogatis, who was back in the thick of the R. Kelly story this

To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.

HEALTHY BODIES, SHRIVELED SOULS

To all the asses on the bus: What is wrong with you? You see me, you make eye contact, you see me standing up, you look down at my leg in a brace. Yet you sit there in the “priority seating area,” which is designated for those who are disabled or elderly. I look back at you while I stand, yet still you sit on your ass. There is nothing wrong with you, yet you refuse to stand up. I ask for someone to move and get blank stares. I ask again, and finally, reluctantly, one of you stands up while the rest of you look away or give me a dirty look. What the fuck? If someone is in trouble and hurting, you can’t help them out by doing something so simple as giving them your seat on the bus? The sad thing is that this is not the first time. This happens much too often, and not just to me, but to others who need seats more than you, all the damn time. Grow up—there are other people out there besides you. You are what is wrong with the world. You are nothing but an ugly waste of space.

summer, when Pitchfork, the typically progressive music website, hired R. Kelly to headline its 2013 music festival. After critiquing Pitchfork and its audience for essentially endorsing a man he calls “a monster,” DeRogatis found himself swimming in positive-to-glowing reviews of R. Kelly’s latest album, from media outlets that seemed to have entirely forgiven Kelly after he was acquitted of charges brought by just one of his accusers. But as DeRogatis tells Hopper, the vast sordid story remains available for the world to see, in the public records of the dozens of lawsuits brought against R. Kelly that Kelly ultimately settled. “We had these lawsuits that were explosive, and we didn’t understand why nobody had reported them,” DeRogatis tells Hopper. “ They were stomach-churning. The one young woman, who had been 14 or 15 when R. Kelly began a relationship with her, detailed in great length, in her affidavits, a sexual relationship… He would go to her sophomore class and hook up with girls afterward and have sex with them. Sometimes buy them a pair of sneakers. Sometimes just letting them hang out in his presence in the recording studio. She detailed the sexual relationship… It lasted about one and a half to two years, and then he dumped her and she slit her wrists, tried to kill herself… Dozens of girls—not one, not two, dozens—with harrowing lawsuits. The videotapes—and not just one videotape, numerous videotapes. And not Tommy Lee/Pam Anderson, Kardashian fun video. You watch the video for which he was indicted, and there is the disembodied look of the rape victim. He orders her to call him ‘Daddy.’ He urinates in her mouth and instructs her at great length on how to position herself to receive his ‘gift.’ It’s a rape that you’re watching. So we’re not talking about rock-star misbehavior, which men or women can do. We’re talking about predatory behavior… The saddest fact I’ve learned is: Nobody matters less to our society than young black women. Nobody. They have any complaint about the way they are treated: They are ‘bitches, hos, and gold-diggers,’ plain and simple. Kelly never misbehaved with a single white girl who sued him or that we know of. Mark Anthony Neal, the African American scholar, makes this point: One white girl in Winnetka, and the story would have been different. No, it was young black girls, and all of them settled. They settled because they felt they could get no justice whatsoever. They didn’t have a chance.”

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 17 In lighter news, the week continues in Bridgeport, Connecticut, where this morning nearly a dozen police cruisers raced with sirens screaming to the Bagel King restaurant, on reports that a police officer had been shot. “Inside, [Bridgeport Officer Juan] Santiago was bleeding from the leg,” reports the CT Post. “Shards of glass from the shattered window lay on the ground…” But that enticing ellipses leads nowhere but up Officer Santiago’s butt. “Santiago was sitting at a table with Detective Juan Gonzalez [when] Gonzalez placed a borrowed .45 caliber semiautomatic pistol atop the table,” reports the Post. “Santiago apparently picked up the gun, cocked it and pulled the trigger as it was pointing toward the floor. The bullet ricocheted upward, piercing Santiago’s leg before shattering a nearby window.” Having fired a gun in a crowded restaurant and injured only himself, the 55-year-old Officer Santiago faces neither

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criminal charges nor professional censure, which has rightly pissed people off. “It’s just another example of police covering for police,” said James Griffin, the city’s former veterans’ affairs administrator, to the Post. “Anybody other than a cop would be in big, big trouble.”

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 18

Speaking of newsworthy doofuses, the week continues with the Northwest’s own Ken Hutcherson, the former-linebacker-turned-Christian-pastor-turned-antigaycrusader, who today passed away at age 61 after a prolonged battle with cancer. Undoubtedly beloved by his family, friends, and church, Pastor Hutcherson was, unfortunately, a bigoted man and a lousy Christian , so driven to fetishize one questionable biblical prohibition that he was blinded to the key teachings of Jesus. Condolences to Hutch’s loved ones, and may God have mercy on his soul.

Catholic principal Polly Skinner in an e-mail to an Eastside graduate, obtained by KIRO. “We are saddened and as a Catholic school, bound by Catholic teaching regarding same-sex marriage.” Nevertheless, the kids weren’t having it , with students at North Seattle’s Bishop Blanchet High School and Capitol Hill’s Seattle Prep joining Eastside Catholic students in protesting Zmuda’s departure. Thank you, Catholic schoolkids of the 21st century.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 19

Speaking of pillars of religious bigotry being felled, the week continues in the Pacific Northwest, where the dismissal of a gay vice principal from a Catholic high school today led to mass student protests. At the center of the saga: Mark Zmuda, the vice principal of Eastside Catholic High School, who was dismissed after school administrators learned of his same-sex marriage. “The dismissal of the vice principal was based on the Archdiocese of Seattle’s authority over a Catholic school,” wrote Eastside

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20 The week continues with the expansion of yesterday’s hubbub, with Equal Rights Washington leading a peaceful demonstration in support of Mark Zmuda in front of the office of the Catholic Archdiocese of Seattle.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 21 Nothing happened today, unless you count the birthdays of revolutionary yeller Paul Revere (born on this day in 1734), disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno (1926), talk-show pioneer Phil Donahue (1935), legendary actor and activist Jane Fonda (1937), kooky musician Frank Zappa (1940), highest-grossing-actorof-all-time Samuel L. Jackson (1948), and a bunch of other people who never famously enabled a pedophile, opened the door for Oprah, or rode a horse at night while hollering.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 22 Nothing happened today.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com, and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

Ride horses while hollering at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

Build a Kick-Ass Playground Downtown

Give Families a Reason to Go Downtown

BY GOLDY

What downtown Seattle needs is a really kick-ass playground: a huge, outrageous, eye-popping, jaw-dropping, joy-inspiring, whimsical, indoor/outdoor play area. We’re not

talking about a couple of climbing toys and a seesaw here, but a world-class family-friendly fun-zone that would prove a destination in itself. Really.

Think big. Think fun. Think different. Think the “rainbow nest dome” at Takino Hillside Park in Sapporo, Japan, a sprawling, psychedelic installation of stretchy, multicolor fiber art that just begs children to climb and crawl all over it. Or the Fruit and Scent Park in Liljeholmen, Sweden, strewn with giant, fruit-shaped-andscented climbing, swinging, and sliding toys. Or the Imagination Playground Park in New York City, an interactive play area that prompts children to create their own play space using sand, water, and giant movable foam blocks.

In fact, don’t get too caught up in the word “playground” at all—a word that unfortunately evokes cliché images of the tattered equipment and decaying wood chips at your typical neighborhood school yard. No, Seattle needs to approach its kick-ass playground with the same imagination and ambition with which it approached our kick-ass downtown library and our kick-ass sculpture park. What we need is a playground that doesn’t just inspire joy in children, but inspires awe and envy in the hearts of out-of-towners.

when it comes to downtown amenities: no school, no playfield, no playground, no nothing. Sure, there’s the aquarium. That can be fun in a calm, educational kinda way. But try to think of another fun attraction to draw young kids downtown. Bet you can’t.

at the Downtown Seattle Association (DSA), an organization that represents the interests of downtown businesses.

In fact, the DSA is so enthusiastic about downtown play spaces that it funded a temporary, 800-square-foot playground in Westlake Park. And just a year and a half into this twoyear trial project, Scholes is ready to declare it an unqualified success.

“It’s been a tremendous hit,” says Scholes. “The evidence is that it is drawing people in.”

That’s important to downtown retailers competing with suburban malls that have increasingly turned toward kid-friendly amenities to draw in and retain customers. And if a couple of climbing toys in Westlake Park can draw in customers, just imagine what a really kick-ass playground would do for all downtown retailers.

How much would it cost? New York’s groundbreaking Imagination Playground cost $7.4 million; twice that might buy us something truly kick-ass. Local businesses might chip in, since they’re the ones who would benefit from the increased foot traffic—the sculpture park was funded by a public-private partnership. Or, like the downtown library, Seattle taxpayers might foot the bill—less then $10 on your annual property tax bill (say, through a parks levy) would raise about $15 million over the course of a six-year levy.

So why do we need such a kick-ass playground? Well, obviously, to meet the needs of families with young children who, let’s be honest, have gotten the short end of the stick

Westlake Park Needs a Bar!

Make That Yawning Tundra of Despair an Awesome Place to Drink

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

L

ately, everyone’s got ideas for making downtown feel safer and welcoming. More cops on foot patrol: yes. Twenty million dollars in streetscape improvements: sure. A playground for the kiddies: you bet. But how about something that makes adults want to hang out downtown? How about a bar in Westlake Park?

That’s right: Put an outdoor restaurant right on that cold, unwelcoming granite tundra. Set out a few dozen tables. Roll out those big-ass gas heat lamps. Install giant umbrellas. (Place some fire extinguishers nearby in case those big-ass heat lamps set fire to the giant umbrellas.) And then put a rope around the whole bazaar and let the public sit outside for a whiskey or a beer, a coffee or a sandwich. Make Seattle’s central plaza a town square

Which brings us to the other reason to build a really kick-ass playground: It would be great for business! And that’s not just me talking: “We want more play spaces for kids, absolutely,” insists Jon Scholes, the vice president for advocacy and economic development

There’s plenty of available rooftop space within the downtown retail core that could support a playground like the widely acclaimed Yerba Buena Gardens playground atop the Moscone Center in San Francisco. The perpetually troubled Freeway Park is ripe for redevelopment, as well as an underused lot at Second Avenue and Pike Street. Scholes also suggests that the soon-to-be-redeveloped waterfront presents an ideal opportunity to serve the needs of young families.

Victor Steinbrueck Park at the north end of the Pike Place Market is also slated for a face-lift, and while small (only 0.8 of an acre), it would offer a unique setting. “Where else do you get a view like that from a playground?” asks Scholes. Nowhere but Seattle. It would be kick-ass.

And it would come none too soon.

According to US Census data, Seattle’s under-18 population has grown by 8 percent since 2007. And yet we’ve done little to address our growing need for kid-friendly amenities. A really kick-ass playground wouldn’t solve all of downtown’s problems, but it sure would be a fun way to start.

enjoyable for chatting, people-watching, or just reading the paper. Far from kicking out the homeless, it would make them safer. Everyone’s safer when public spaces are active, with many eyes on the street, rather than empty spaces that create anonymity.

I floated this idea on my Facebook page a few weeks ago, and surprisingly, my friends raved. And stunningly, so did Jon Scholes, the vice president of advocacy and economic development at the Downtown Seattle Association, who disagrees with me on most stuff.

“I think people would be thrilled to get a coffee or wine or beer on a July afternoon and enjoy a public space in the heart of downtown,” he said on the phone. He thinks pop-up restaurants anchored by modified cargo containers built by Boxman Studios could be one

model. Scholes also says—and I also strongly agree—that any such arrangement must be modular or movable enough to make room for other park uses (such as protests). Several public spaces, like Bryant Park in New York City, have installed cafes in public spaces with great results. Scholes explains, “We need a reason for people to stay and enjoy a public space in the heart of downtown.”

But right now, the hot-dog vendor and generic tourist-catering businesses down there provide no reason to linger. That’s part of what makes the space so lifeless. Which is why we need a restaurant there that’s good, not touristy garbage, and that attracts locals. We’d also need a tenant to pay fair rent.

It would boost nearby businesses, too. More people hanging out downtown means

more people spending money. And if, as we’re told, the mere perception of a downtown crime wave is as damaging as a crime

A New Type of Sportsball (for Seattle)

How Futsal Got Popular on Playgrounds

BY ANSEL HERZ

Thirty-six-year old Gabriel Rapier grew up in the Central District, where soccer was a big part of his life—until, one day, it wasn’t. “Soccer was too expensive,” Rapier says of joining private teams, which can charge hundreds or thousands of dollars per season. Now there’s a type of street soccer—a more affordable option—gaining popularity in Seattle thanks to Rapier, a former librarian who’s returned to his childhood neighborhood with futsal (pronounced FOOT-sol). It’s a fiveon-five game that’s popular worldwide, with a smaller, heavier ball, on a handball-size court. Rapier has been approaching schools and after-school centers in an effort to bring everyone into the game, including kids in the Central District and Rainier Valley for whom private outdoor soccer teams are too expensive.

Futsal is “amazingly popular,” says Leschi Elementary principal Rhonda Claytor, who brought Rapier on as a playground attendant (meaning the kids now play futsal at recess). And this year, Rapier worked with the city to transform one half of a dilapidated, largely unused tennis court at Judkins Park into a gleaming, gray-and-lime-green futsal court. With donated cans of paint, Rapier painted the whole thing over the summer, and he hopes it’s

Bad Signs

Deaf Community Protests a Seattle Men’s Chorus Interpreter

BY CIENNA MADRID

F or the past 31 years, the Seattle Men’s Chorus has employed the same American Sign Language (ASL) interpreter. But members of the deaf community say that Kevin Gallagher, the company’s only interpreter, is sometimes unintelligible. One primary complaint: He’s not certified in ASL.

wave itself, what could do more to improve our sense of public safety than the sight of Seattleites safely enjoying our city streets?

the first of many futsal courts around the city. “That’s what we’re about,” he says. “Showing people that you can play futsal for free or for a very nominal fee. You shouldn’t have to pay to play soccer.” In games, he’s a startlingly agile goalkeeper, given his six-foot-five frame. When he’s not blocking shots, he’s shouting at the kids, encouraging and exhorting them to up their game. Last spring, Leschi and Bailey Gatzert Elementary hired him to offer twiceweekly after-school futsal sessions to students. Rapier rattles off the benefits of futsal: Aside from it being cheaper than soccer, each player gets more touches on the ball (and chances for the glory that comes with scoring), injuries are rare, and the sport doesn’t require lung-bursting athleticism or huge grass fields. The world’s best, most creative professional soccer players—Messi, Ronaldo,

Iniesta, to name a few—came up playing futsal. And many of the East African children of refugees who’ve settled in South Seattle, Rapier says, “don’t play anything” else. “Our push is to open up this culture and organize it for all these communities,” he says, “to ensure that there’s not this institutionalizing and segregation and boxing out of potential players.”

Benaroya Hall, which seats nearly 2,500.

“There were many errors,” says Katie Roberts, a deaf woman who coauthored the open letter to SMC and the MoveOn.org petition. Roberts says by e-mail that she attended SMC’s December 15 performance at Benaroya Hall, where she watched Gallagher flub signs for “lord,” “Hanukkah,” and “promise,” among others.

Still, the choir’s executive director, Frank Stilwagner, says he doesn’t plan to fire him. “We will continue to work with Mr. Gallagher to provide him with ASL coaching and continuing education, and Mr. Gallagher will look into accreditation/certification as well,” Stilwagner said in a statement released December 19, in response to an open letter and a MoveOn .org petition with nearly 600 signatures from people asking the chorus to fire Gallagher. Mr. Gallagher did not comment, instead allowing the Seattle Men’s Chorus to provide statements in response. “We would like to invite all members of the deaf community to attend performances where Mr. Gallagher is interpreting, so they have the opportunity to provide us with constructive feedback,” Stilwagner said.

“All I got from him was ‘SALAD,’” says a deaf woman.

It got worse from there: “Often, it seemed that Mr. Gallagher was using signs as a replacement for whole phrases or concepts,” she says. For instance, during a song called “Asian Christmas,” Gallagher used the sign for “salad” repeatedly. “I was very confused,” says Roberts. “It was only after the show that I discovered that that specific line named different types of Asian food that were mixed into a salad. He had not taken the time to spell or sign those specific items. All I got from him was ‘SALAD.’” Certified ASL interpreters undergo years of training and often work in pairs. But Gallagher works alone, and while his skills are praised by chorus members and hearing audiences as “joyous” and “graceful,” members of the deaf community label him “clownish, silly,” and “unintelligible,” according to Roberts.

But members of the deaf community say they’ve been attempting to provide constructive feedback since 1989. The problem, they say, is that while Gallagher is certainly fluent in basic ASL communication, he is not qualified to be an interpreter for mass audiences, such as at SMC’s holiday performances at

Tamara Moxham, a certified ASL interpreter and diagnostician who attended (and independently evaluated) Gallagher’s December 15 performance, found he “showed many small mistakes that all accumulated into a skewed result—rendering the overall result unintelligible,” she states. Petition organizers say more training is not an acceptable solution: They want Gallagher gone—or, at the very least, supplemented with certified interpreters.

The Leary Traveler

WHAT MUSIC DID TO US IN 2013

Starring the Blow, Michael Jackson Versus Prince, Sasquatch!, Musicians of a Certain Age, Juggalos, Industrial Revelation, and Nine Inch Nails

The Blow Helped Me Remember What Albums Are For

by Paul Constant

Asong can do many things. A song can make you laugh, or feel like you’re dying. A song can introduce you to a new concept. But here’s what a song can’t do: A single song is unable to introduce an idea and then follow that idea through a whole series of transformations. A song can introduce a mood, but a single song can’t sustain a mood. That’s where albums come in: A good album is a prism through which we can find new patterns and hidden meanings. Every good album feels like an exploration.

This was a terrible year for albums for me. My method of adopting new music atrophied. I excavated some albums for the perfect little buttons of pop hiding inside, and then I threw the rest away because it bored me. I happened across music on lurid blogs and hoovered them into my library a single track at a time.

In fact, the only album that grabbed my brain and made it pay attention in 2013 was the Blow’s The Blow. It demands to be listened to as an album. It’s a variational trip through a certain futuristic sound, a bleeping, blooping computerized coldness, with Khaela Maricich’s warm voice sliding all over its glassy surface. The lyrics reflect this science-fictional affect:

They say that atoms never die They just exchange

And what you see that makes up me Will one day take some other shape

And by this method we become

To be something we don’t approve of But right now what we are is Just right.

You see? It starts with an abstract, science-class sense of wonder and it wanders through death and takes a left turn into something romantic and young and, well, just right. Despite all the time travel and the spaceships, The Blow is a personal album, with some striking imagery:

They say you are what you eat

And I was starved for attention, I ate every eyeball that aimed my direction.

And some outright demands for love:

You keep choosing me

And I’ll keep choosing you.

What the Blow have achieved with this album isn’t something that could be achieved with one ambitious single. It’s too big for that, a wide-screen thriller with a scope that sends us out into the coldness of the universe to see strange faces and do battle with hungry tendrils, pulling us back to Earth just in time for the big romantic conclusion. When it’s over, I want to stand up and cheer. Instead, I just lean forward and push play and listen to the whole goddamned thing all over again.

Bedroom Shows, PantsVibrating Shows, and the Best New Year’s Resolution Ever by

Bethany Jean Clement

Last January 1, I made a New Year’s resolution: See more live music, any and all kinds. Best resolution ever.

The first show I saw in 2013 was a ferryboat ride away, in a bedroom in Poulsbo on a cold night. It was the cozy and dim bedroom of Meagan Grandall of Lemolo—the feeling

was lulling and unified, like being in a benign cult. I took off my boots and sat on the bed. It was a fundraiser for her friend’s dog, who had cancer but came to the show and lay on the carpet and wagged his tail anyway ($1,600 was raised for his vet bills).

I saw White Murder at the Black Lodge, which was loud enough to vibrate your pants and not cozy in the slightest, with two fierce lead singers moshing their way off of and back onto the stage, such as the stage was, and zero sick dogs. It was like a good slap across the face. When I went next door to the Victory Lounge for an eardrum break, a two-piece grind/sludge outfit from Missoula called Lb.! immediately started playing and, inconceivably, were pretty much as loud.

I saw the Old Lady Choir at Pastor Kaleb’s 14th annual nondenominational-inthe-extreme Easter service at the Century Ballroom. The sun was shining outside, the windows were open, and the spring was springing; everyone wore fancy hats and drank champagne. The Old Lady Choir was young people dressed up as old ladies—a whole choir of them—motley but marvelous. I carried a basket full of croissants and gave them away. The pope showed up.

I saw a band from Cuba at Club Sur—I regret horribly that I can’t remember their name, but they had approximately 27 members, and coming onstage they all marched around the room playing drums, and the lead singer had impossibly white teeth. And the dancers! Some of the best ever, plus a few stiff couples trying out their moves from salsa class for contrast.

I saw the burning punk-soul hurricane that is Jail Weddings at the Comet—they were so wildly loud they blew a fuse, leaving the band and the crowd screaming in the dark. The power was restored except, for some reason, the stage lights; the glitter that the backup singers threw by the handful glimmered in the dim, people slam-

danced, and a shirtless man spent a while writhing on his back to the music on the filthy, filthy floor.

I saw MVP—that stands for Michael Jackson Versus Prince—play an extremely crowd-pleasing show at the Hard Rock Cafe. I saw the jazz band Industrial Revelation play such a stellar set at the Royal Room, the old people seated in the front got mad at the young people who got up to dance for blocking their view. I saw Brazil Novo play bossa nova at Vito’s on a recent cold night— with a rum drink, it was exactly right. I’m forgetting some, and I’m out of room. Thank you, music, for what you did to me in 2013. I love you, too.

Fancy-Person Sasquatch!

Kinda Blows by Anna Minard

Wooooo-hooooooo!!!! This summer, I went to my first-ever Sasquatch! music festival. Firstever music festival, really. (I spent my early 20s knitting and watching DVDs from the library.) So I’m a late bloomer, so what? I’m fixing it now!

I was so so so so excited—to camp in a muddy field, to bring along a friend who had gone to many Sasquatch!es and could show me the ropes, to go on a road trip, to have a pony keg full of good local beer in the trunk, and to have backstage passes that would surely be super-glamorous.

Um, it turns out when you go to a music festival for work, it’s different than when you go with six of your best friends on college break. So is that backstage area, which is just a corral of people for whom a music festival is also just another workday.

But I was ready to drink it all in! Immediately upon arriving, we were surrounded

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by conventionally attractive young people in revealing, neon, stretchy, college-branded, and/or racist costuming. Flower headbands were all the rage. So was being passed-out drunk at 10 in the morning. The conventionally attractive young people seemed much more interested in mind-altering experiences than in music, which was happening all around us but was not what the crowds were buzzing about. The neon/titty/headband/ headdress parade got exhausting after a day.

But we soldiered on! And there was some unsullied wonderfulness: the grown woman who grinned and flashed the Jumbotron, twice. Tig Notaro’s stunningly perfect comedy set. The sound of college bros’ earlymorning duet of Katy Perry’s “Firework.”

I was so psyched to show off this backstage access I’d acquired via my accidentally hip employment. But my friend and I would go behind the chain-link fence, and… there’d be piles of weird swag, like vodka-branded lanyards. A bunch of people in inappropriate sunglasses looking into the distance, bored. We even got to stand onstage, but once the tech guy muttered, “Imagine if I came to your office and just stood around,” we felt like jerks.

My friend started looking sorta mournful. Fair enough: Apparently, it’s a million times more fun to go drink in a muddy field and listen to music with your friends when you’re not special, and you’re not at work— you’re just you.

Otherwise, you think you’re so fucking cool, but you’re just addicted to real bathrooms and standing in line for casserole behind the Dirty Projectors. No thanks, fancy world!

2013 Was the Year of Shockingly Great Shows by Old Musicians by

Dave Segal

So many of the best performances I saw this year were by artists who should be writing their wills: Morton Subotnick, the Zombies, Silver Apples, Goblin, the Orb, Thomas Fehlmann, Death, Larry Coryell, and Ginger Baker. Plus, reports of Seattle performances by Prince, Patti Smith, and Pere Ubu were almost unanimously ecstatic.

This state of affairs goes against the conventional wisdom that musicians peak in their 20s and 30s and then drastically decline in the studio and onstage. Furthermore, the hoary axiom about reunions inevitably sucking also rang false, as the Detroit proto-punk group Death incinerated Chop Suey in November with some of the fieriest rock ever heard from fiftysomething dreadlocked African American dudes. It was overwhelmingly touching to see these musicians revel in the adulation that eluded them when they were in their 1970s prime. Sweet vindication!

At this year’s Decibel Festival, Thomas Fehlmann—both solo and with ambient-dub legends the Orb—proved that geezers who look like tenured economics profs can finesse irresistibly lithe and danceable sounds from a laptop and effects boxes with the best of the whippersnappers. That he was dancing like a suave mofo to his own sublime music till 6 a.m. gave one hope for one’s own twilight years.

Jazz-fusion oldsters Larry Coryell and Ginger Baker delivered better-thanexpected sets at Jazz Alley. In their 70s now, the virtuoso guitarist and former Cream drummer may have slowed a bit, but their technique remains unsurpassable. Silver Apples (75-year-old Simeon Coxe) hauled his vintage, custom-made gear from New

York to play the first annual Hypnotikon: Seattle Psych Fest and made it sound like his way-ahead-of-its-time 1968 output. The Triple Door audience flipped. English band the Zombies pulled off similar time-defying stunts at Bumbershoot, rendering their classic baroque psych-pop material with startling charm and verve.

Making their American live debut, Italian prog-disco/horror-film-soundtrack legends Goblin packed Neumos and generated the sort of blood-red, chthonic atmosphere that some fans had been waiting nearly 40 years to experience. Band members were so overjoyed, too, they took several selfies of themselves onstage.

Finally, one of the godfathers of electronic music, Morton Subotnick, dazzled a surprisingly middling Town Hall crowd in November. The 80-year-old master of the Buchla synthesizer—accompanied by video artist Lillevan—disoriented and delighted with an abstract-expressionist array of alien, insectoid tones. Afterward, musicians a third of Subotnick’s age were awestruck. Age against the machine in 2013.

The Year I Decided to Quit

Clownin’ on Juggalos by

Kelly O

I’ve been messing with the Insane Clown Posse since 1996, when I lived in Detroit. The first time I ever laid eyes on “Juggalos”—aka superfans of the “horrorcore” genre—I threw some leftover cooked potatoes at them. I remember looking out my apartment window with my roommate and laughing at the line of people in face paint waiting to get into the ICP show, “Look at THOSE NUMBNUTS!” we laughed. “They’re dressed as SCARY CLOWWWNS!” And then we threw potatoes at them. They looked sad after our attack. I mean, what were they doing wrong? KISS fans dressed like KISS, and nobody picked on them. In 2010, ICP released “Miracles”—a religious-ish song with unintentionally hilarious lyrics about the workings of magnets (“Fucking magnets, how do they work?”) and other mystifying “magic.” The internet lost its collective mind. It was more acceptable than ever to make fun of ICP and their memeworthy fans—snarky comments attached to Juggalo fan photos flooded the web, and journalists flocked to Cave-in-Rock, Illinois, to the Gathering, ICP’s annual music-festival-slash-Juggalo-family-reunion. I was one of those people. A music writer and I went and looked for the most demented fans— and the photos I took made everyone look their absolute white-trashiest.

Fast-forward to 2013: ICP were set to play two nights in Seattle, where they claimed they hadn’t been allowed to visit for many years because venues “hate their fans.” “What the hell,” I thought, “I’m gonna get the real dudes on the phone and interview them!” I talked to Joe Bruce, aka “Violent J,” and we eventually got on the topic of the Gathering and the Juggalo bond. “[The Gathering is] the exact opposite of being alone,” he said. “I think when everybody goes home—especially the Juggalos, when they’re back at home—a lot of them have to be alone. Outside the Gathering, it’s not the most popular thing in this country to be a Juggalo.” He knew it’s not popular to like ICP . Damnit! DUDE KNOWS! He’s completely aware that his fans are perceived as “losers,” but he’s still 110 percent non-ironically proud of the community he created—a ragtag family of thousands of outcasts. Now it’s almost 2014, and ICP are going strong (as evidenced in season two of their TV comedy show Insane Clown Posse

Theater). You or I might not like the music or the fans, but what gives us supreme judgment power to shit all over it? Bullies take a crap on things they don’t understand. Even in the “cool” world of music, there’s room for a little humanity. Live and let live. And, for Christ’s sake, put down the fucking potatoes.

Nine Inch Nails Blew My Mind (and Taught Me a Lesson About Making Assumptions)

by David Schmader

“Every day is Halloween with Nine Inch Nails.” Throughout the ’90s and early ’00s, this was my standard line on the art of Trent Reznor, from which I’d always felt an odd distance. I appreciated the drama and power of the music, but lyrically and visually, NIN could come off as cartoonish as a cohort of Marilyn Manson—a musical sideshow act with a mandatory horror theme that I was perfectly justified in ignoring in favor of artists boasting more than one mood.

But then came 2008, when NIN’s instrumental soundscape Ghosts I–IV was released and taught me a lesson about dismissing Trent Reznor. Stark, beautiful, complex, and complete, Ghosts I–IV introduced me to the Reznor that friends of mine had loved for years—the master showman with serious artistic ambitions and the talent to make good on them.

This past year, Nine Inch Nails released their eighth album, Hesitation Marks, and embarked on another of their highly ambitious, technically complex arena tours. When a NIN-loving friend offered me a ticket to the show at KeyArena, I took him up on it. I’d heard impressive things about the set’s antagonistically interactive lighting grid, which apparently swung down low enough to shove the band around the stage. I’d also just spent a month finally getting to know the music of the NIN-inspiring Big Black, and I was excited to hear what Reznor’s strain of aggressive techno rock would sound like live.

And so I got myself to KeyArena on a rainy November night, ready for my hightech, aggro-man, “every day is Halloween” sonic pummeling, and for the first half-hour of the set, this is just what I got. The roar blasting out of the show’s 7.5 tons of speakers (!) was so nuanced, you didn’t need earplugs, and the stage tech was astounding, involving three humongous screens (two LED, one video) that sliced up the stage into various dreamscapes on which the all-male band bashed out their angst. It was impressive, and exactly what I expected.

Then, about 40 minutes in, something happened. As the LED panels coalesced to form a translucent screen between the audience and the band, two new figures appeared onstage. One was Lisa Fischer, a Grammy-winning R&B singer who regularly tours with the Rolling Stones. The other was Sharlotte Gibson, another accomplished professional who regularly appears with the house band on American Idol Together, these two thirtysomething-orup, African American women sang backup and danced occasionally and turned this aggressive pummelfest into something else entirely.

Vocally, Fischer and Gibson added a ton of power to the band, turning “Sanctified” into techno-gospel and bringing an intoxicating human element to the patented NIN roar. But their mere presence onstage felt game-changing. Swaying in the space between Reznor’s command center and guitarist Robin Finck’s stage-left freak-out zone, Fischer and Gibson and their bodily

responses to the music changed the entire atmosphere of the room. No longer was KeyArena an aggro wank den, and no longer was NIN locked into its mandatory Halloween horror. By having Fischer and Gibson join him in his existential screams, Reznor turned Nine Inch Nails into living, breathing music for everyone, more powerful than ever. It was an amazing thing to behold.

How Industrial Revelation Got Me into Jazz—a Year Early by

Emily Nokes

This was a fairly swell year in terms of my live-show enjoyment. I hit the festivals pretty hard: My very first Decibel was an ear-opening experience that helped me better appreciate those mysterious electronic realms, I beat my own personal record for most Shishkaberry’s eaten at Bumbershoot, and I bravely camped at Sasquatch! the weekend after Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories came out (the entire campground was up all night to get lucky, up all night to get lucky, up all night to get lucky). Block Party was a neon fun blur of pot smoke and teens in under-buttshowing shorts; Pickathon was a tie-dyed fun blur of pot smoke and teens in underbutt-showing shorts.

I was spoiled rotten with top-notch rock, punk, and rap shows, from Chastity Belt and Wimps to Porter Ray and Gifted Gab to touring bands like Bleached and Nü Sensae. But that was all to be expected. What I didn’t expect was to end up at the Royal Room in Columbia City.

Someone once told me that the year I turn 30 would be the year that I start buying jazz records. I was skeptical of this statement because (a) What? and (b) I am currently 29 and have been, for the most part, unintentionally distanced from jazz. Fast-forward to a few months ago.

The Royal Room was sold out, and even though we had tickets, it was standingroom-only. Barstools, tables, higher tables, benches—every single seat was taken by a party mix of people. Young hip-seeming kids, (very) old people dressed to the nines, exuberant funky-glasses-wearing adults, a person in a beret looking like the sort of person who wears a beret—they were all there! And they were all there to see the self-described garage-jazz quartet Industrial Revelation.

It was hard to know where to focus once IR were on the stage. The band—Evan Flory-Barnes on upright bass, Josh Rawlings on keyboard, D’Vonne Lewis on drums, and Ahamefule J. Oluo on trumpet—was spilling talent all over the place. The kind of talent that’s hard to describe without a cop-out string of positive adjectives (amazing!)—but it wasn’t just their individual chops that had the audience hooting, whistling, seat-dancing, or otherwise completely smitten. Each song was like a conversation with a group of really smart and funny people—everyone takes turns telling brilliant stories, but no one is talking over the others or blabbing too long because everyone is fully engaged. Sure, Rawlings can masterfully play two keyboards at once before jumping onto his stool and smashing out a piano solo, and Oluo plays trumpet like the charismatic lead singer of a rock band, but even the slower and more classicjazz-sounding songs had a fresh energy I really wasn’t expecting. Later, I bought a few albums’ worth of their MP3s. It’s not exactly a record, but then again, I’m not 30 yet, either.

SAVE 25% ON A NEW DRESS

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ORIGAMI $199

Let’s re-think the storage bench. With this clever design you can access the storage from either lift-up side while keeping your coffee table display intact. Choose brown, red, white, or grey bonded leather. Dark wood finish. Imported. Exclusively ours. 47” x 22” x 15”h. List $395 Now through February 2.

STRANGER SUGGESTS

‘Fiddler on the Roof’ Sing-Along

FILM/JUDAISM

Ignore Christmas with the greatest Jewish-themed musical of all time (screw you, Yentl). Norman Jewison’s Oscar-winning film version of the smash Broadway musical follows a bunch of Russian Jews in the early 20th century as they sing about their lives and loves and TRAD-I-SHUN!

Sure, it’s three hours long and relentlessly beige, but they’re serving kosher Chinese take-out! (And if your Christmas cinema needs demand more grit, go see the new Scorsese.) (SIFF Cinema Uptown, 511 Queen Anne Ave N, siff.net, noon, $20/$15 SIFF members) DAVID SCHMADER

Scarecrow Video

FILM Yeah, cities change and things you love make way for other things. But certain places are part of the fabric of the city: A house of culture and knowledge like Scarecrow Video is one of the reasons to live in Seattle, a sacred treasure that we love and brag about. And yet! They’ve recently reported they’re struggling to keep the doors open. With 25 years in business, more than 100,000 movie titles, and an irreplaceable amount of human knowledge on staff, it cannot be allowed to die. Go! Now! Bring home something strange and awesome, and save the city from tragedy. (Scarecrow Video, 5030 Roosevelt Way NE, scarecrow.com, 11 am–11 pm) ANNA MINARD

Be Nice

KINDNESS

If you’re venturing into the marvel of capitalism that is Seattle’s retail core to return that ugly sweater Santa brought, here’s a thought: Instead of exchanging it for some other something for yourself, get a toy or child’s garment and drop it off at Dragonfish. They’re collecting these through the end of the month for the very worthy nonprofit Treehouse, which helps the nearly 10,000 kids in foster care in our state to thrive instead of just survive, all year long. It’s never too late to be an elf! (Dragonfish Asian Cafe, 722 Pine St, dragonfishcafe.com, 7 am–2 am, through Dec 31) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Ellington Sacred Music

Duke Ellington is one of the greatest musicians of the 20th century and the big-band era. He had, one could argue, three main musical projects: One was the production of dance-hall hits, two was the production of serious black music (music that would represent the 400-year history of African descendants in America), and three was the production of pieces that expressed his religious/existential feelings. Tonight is devoted to the third and in many ways most profound of Ellington’s projects. Anyone who has heard his composition “Come Sunday” instantly understands that Ellington felt God as something that’s inside and not outside of (or remote from) the human experience. (Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, townhall seattle.org, 7:30 pm, $14–$36) CHARLES MUDEDE

Seattle Seahawks vs. St. Louis Rams

SPORTS/BOOZE

Wanna watch the Seattle Seahawks battle the St. Louis Rams, but don’t have season tickets or the ability to pay single-ticket prices? Central Cinema has got at least 100 of you covered. While the masses freeze their butts off in Sodo, Central Cinema projects the big game on its big screen in a warm, comfortable room boasting food-andbooze table service. The food will be brunchy, the booze will be plentiful, and the Hawks, God willing, will be triumphant (Central Cinema, 1421 21st Ave, reserve a seat at central-cinema.com, 1:25 pm, free) DAVID SCHMADER

Santa Maria Tri-Tip Steak Sandwich

SANDWICH BATTLE

I’m not much of a list-maker, but this has to be one of the five best sandwiches in Seattle. New Phinney restaurant Martino’s does a lot of stuff right, but Jesus Christ, the Santa Maria tri-tip steak sandwich is a whole different level. It’s got all the right ingredients—a Macrina roll, tender grass-fed beef, fresh vegetables—arranged in just the right way. The steak is lightly smoked, doused in a chimichurri sauce, and covered with a tomato-and-onion salsa. I almost cried the first time I bit into this sandwich. It’s that good. (Martino’s Smoked Meats & Neighborhood Eatery, 7410 Greenwood Ave N, martinos seattle.com, 11 am–9 pm, $10) PAUL CONSTANT

Blackened Catfish Sandwich

SANDWICH BATTLE Bar Sue is named after Sue Kerr Hicks, esquire (d. 1980), a prosecutor in the Scopes “Monkey Trial” (wrong side of history, dude) who may have been the inspiration for the Shel Silverstein song “A Boy Named Sue” (which might make up for it). Lore aside, the blackened catfish sandwich is Sue’s main attraction—fresh, firm, a bit muddy (like all good catfish is), and spicy enough to liven up the edges of your mouth. Follow it with a shot of whiskey and a shot of pickle juice. (Bar Sue, 1407 14th Ave, barsueseattle.com, 5 pm–2 am, $11) BRENDAN KILEY

“The Rolling Stones” MUSIC

You’re not seriously considering “taking it easy” on New Year’s Eve, are you? Kicking back in your favorite sweatpants with a coupla brewskis, watching the party rage in the streets of New York on the TV? What the hell is wrong with you? No! This year you’re going out! You’re gonna ring in the New Year with the Rolling Frickin’ Stones. No, not THOSE Rolling Stones—the official cover band that plays the songs better than the original (and by “better” I mean “rowdier”). I promise you will dance! And you should go early for openers Country Lips and Pony Time! (Tractor Tavern, 5213 Ballard Ave NW, tractortavern.com, 9 pm, $20, 21+) KELLY O

ARTS

ART

Do the Wright Thing (While You Can)

Glowing and Gorgeous Abstract Modernism from LA

BY JEN GRAVES

Virginia Wright doesn’t know how much longer she’ll keep doing this. She’s been behind the scenes of Seattle art since 1956, the year she moved back to her home city. The daughter of a local timber titan, she’d gone east and studied art at Barnard. She married Bagley Wright in 1953, and together they amassed a huge collection of modern art they would promise to Seattle Art Museum, forming the basis of the museum’s holdings in a significant period for American art. Eventually, the Wrights wanted a room of their own, too, so in 1999, they converted a one-story concreteblock building near Denny Park—its exterior blanketed in ivy so you don’t notice it unless you know what you’re looking for—into the exquisite Wright Exhibition Space. When Bagley died of a heart attack in 2011, Jinny soldiered on, continuing to organize unfailingly beautiful exhibitions. Admission is always free at the Wright Space.

But as she explained in a phone conversation last week, the Wright Space may be coming to an end before too long. She didn’t provide any specific plans.

The current exhibition there, 9 from L.A., was going to be something else, something that ultimately required too much energy and a period of at least two or three years—and the Wright Space may not be open that long.

Wright had intended to mount the second coming of an artwork that’s legendary in local history: the red, glowing room by James Turrell that was created in Pioneer Square in 1983, then bought by the Wrights for Seattle Art Museum, which has never shown it. Turrell has become a loved and vital 20th-century American artist, and this was one of his earliest installations. Yet SAM’s remodel did not make room for it.

Instead of a two- or three-year installation of the Turrell at the Wright Space (sigh, cry), Wright—partly dissuaded by a protest from Turrell when she wrote him to say he’d be part of a show called California Minimalism (he doesn’t think of himself as a minimalist), but ultimately because she felt the project was too big—decided on something smaller but still historical. 9 from L.A. is a group exhibition of abstract modernism from Southern California, centering on the restoration of one very large work of art, De Wain Valentine’s 12-foot-tall Gray Column, 1975–76. Gray Column is monolithic yet dissolves into thin air. That seems a decent description of much of the conflicted modernism that developed in hall-of-mirrors Los Angeles. Maybe it’s relevant to remember that, in these same years between about 1960 and 1975, it was common for songs on the radio to fade out rather than actually end. Critics asked, was the fade a gesture toward the unreachable eternal, always promising more, or an efficient facilitator for commercial breaks? The spirito-pop world of LA art in the 1960s and ’70s is not so different. Valentine’s enormous, heavy wedge made of gray-tinted industrial-grade resin has a dreamy, blurry upper edge. This thinnest part points up toward the sky(lights), supplicatingly. For years, nobody wanted this piece. It had been a commission for a corporate office that shed it, so the artist hung on to it until it reemerged a couple of years ago as a chapter in LA’s citywide celebration of local art history, Pacific Standard Time Educational panels developed for PST in conjunction with Getty Conservation Insti-

from Los Angeles, are out in the gallery for your perusal. (Most of the artists and all the works are different.)

Wright’s arrangement has cast a calming, lasting spell. The Wright Space has three rooms separated by walls. All the art in the central room is black, white, and gray, with color relegated to the side chambers, like the reverse of grisaille altarpiece triptychs from centuries ago that had grayscale wings that could be folded over to conceal the divine color in the center.

A pillar that is mirrored on all sides, by John McCracken, cuts the main gallery into pieces with its reflections. The tricks it plays on the clean lines of the architecture provide such pleasing dislocation, as if you’re in several impossible places at once. Two glass boxes by McCracken and Larry Bell, from 1971 and 1965 respectively, are set up to form another meditation on deceits and surfaces and vanishings. In a side room are also Ed Ruscha’s sad, lovely Vanishing Cream, Peter Alexander’s mystically glowing square the color of cotton candy, and Valentine’s tall blue circle standing as a portal to another world.

A tall, slender, clear acrylic pillar set to one side—balanced unthinkably on a barely broader, subtly geo-crystalline base—is by San Diegan Robert Irwin. He made several of these pillars beginning in 1970 (including a three-story one for a San Diego federal courthouse), and sometimes they blend into their environments so well that people knock into them and they have to be removed. Acrylic is not frail, yet whenever I see these, I hear the sound of icicles shattering anyway.

tute are on the walls at the Wright Space, demonstrating how Valentine invented the resin compound for casting at this scale. Examples of his sculptures that have slumped over the years are on display, too, to flesh out an elaborate story of perfectionism.

Gray Column, dark and reflective at the floor, fades to near-transparent at the top. It’s pure perceptual delight when, as your

The

has to be cleaner than the

gaze runs upward, you notice the shift from looking at to looking through. As the sculpture changes from bottom to top, mirror to window, your rear surroundings appear as reflections, then that disappears, and the ceiling and lights on the other side of the sculpture become visible through it. The precise moment when this happens seems, wonderfully, impossible to detect even on repeated tries.

Modernist nerds will revel in the fact that the shift in perception relies on a tension between the flesh of the sculpture and its skin. Thicker resin means darker gray: That’s an effect with an innate cause. But the polished surface has to be cleaner than the sparkle in Mr. Clean’s eye, otherwise the entire effect is lost. The surface and the interior are in a death match. There’s a metaphor there somewhere about LA and the United States.

These are the kinds of esoteric issues modernists grappled with—what it means to say the medium is the message, and the content is the form. Wright’s title, 9 from L.A., is a throwback to the first contemporary art show organized by the Contemporary Art Council that formed at SAM after the World’s Fair in 1962 (where Bagley Wright was instrumental in getting the Space Needle built). Photocopies of the catalog from that exhibition, Ten

Another nerd story, about Irwin’s pillar (he called them columns, but that makes them sound fat): Wright sent the one she originally bought, decades ago, to Irwin’s main restorer to be repaired for 9 from L.A., but he didn’t finish it in time for the opening. To make up for it, he offered his own Irwin column to her as a trade. Seattle is the true beneficiary, because this one is taller, even more teeteringtense, making me hear the sound of even littler icicles. Wright may retire the gallery soon, but her collection still develops, quietly, and sometimes by chance.

BOOKS

Finds God

Ghost House Is the Story of a Life Told in Ghost Stories and Video Games

BY PAUL CONSTANT

In the introduction to the first (and to date only) anthology she ever edited, 2009’s Jesus Girls: True Tales of Growing Up Female and Evangelical, local author Hannah Faith Notess complained about testifying: the evangelical need to tell the story of your fall and rise to Christ in a dramatic narrative. She had been born into an evangelical family, so she had little temptation to rise from. And the call came so early that she was a child before her life as a Christian began. “Before my attempts to invite Jesus into my heart, I was actually less of a sinner than after the fact, having had less time to sin,” she wrote. “The truth was I had always tried to love God, and for all my

love and God’s love, I was really no better or worse than I’d been before.” She seemed hurt that she couldn’t take part in this Christian tradition.

As an atheist ex-Catholic, I don’t know much about evangelical culture, but I can tell you that Notess’s debut collection of poetry, Ghost House, is a whole tapestry of testimony. Some of it is explicitly religious, as when she’s awakened in the middle of the night by “heartbreak”:

It wakes you like the call to prayer you first heard years ago, unfurled from half a dozen minarets in a blue city, and when those voices shook the floor you heard quite plainly, God is great, what are you doing here?

But more often, the poems in Ghost House have to do with witchcraft, or hauntings, or the sorts of curses that happen in fairy tales:

Sometimes, the girl with a toad for a heart forgets. Whole hours, it just blinks from between her ribs, and even beats, heartlike, till it grows scared or hungry.

Interspersed with the (apparently) biographical poems and the ones that construct a supernatural mythology, there’s also the mythology of video games. Ghost House name-checks Pac-Man and Mario Kart. A poem called “Street Fighter II for a Broken Sega Genesis” begins “Our hands remember the feint and jab/but nothing works the way it used to.”

These seem like three very disparate threads to weave together, but when bound

as one book, with the narratives bobbing around each other from page to page, they are the story of a fall and rise (and rise and fall and fall and rise). At first, the video-game imagery and the stories about witches seem to chafe at each other, but when Notess tears them down to their basic elements, they have a lot in common. Here’s a lament for Mario’s dinosaur steed Yoshi from Super Mario World:

Dearest friend return to the place we first met and I will be reborn and reborn and reborn.

When you look at it from the perspective of the character of the video game, it’s a never-ending cycle of Old Testament–style torment and comfort. Who else would want you to die a thousand times by plummeting into bottomless pits and being consumed by carnivorous plants and crushed by giant anthropomorphic bullets but some old wronged crone from an old Hungarian story?

But anyone can make comparisons; why is Notess bringing these particular personal elements together? Maybe it comes down to testimony, to explaining the nuance and the sacrifice inherent in a life of service. Not every life story can read like an episode of Behind the Music, with gaudy sin and stratospheric climbs back to success. But every life story is worth telling; sometimes it just takes a poet to explain what makes the journey special.

THEATER

The Man Who Loves

A Theater Superfan’s Year in Review

BY BRENDAN KILEY

In May of 2010, Brett Love, a self-de scribed “IT guy from the Eastside,” took a chance and went to see A Glimmer of Hope or Skin or Light by the dance company Lingo at ACT Theatre. To his shock, it changed his life. “That was the single best piece of enter tainment I’ve ever seen,” he says, “better than any book or movie. I was so amazed, I thought, ‘What else have I been missing?’” Love, who also describes himself as a “serial obsessionist,” decided to find out. “In 2010, I went to 101 things,” he says. “In 2011, it

was 235. In 2012, I managed 241. And for 2013, I’m sitting around 309.” (In 2002, previous reigning superfan Joe Boling saw 427. Beat that, Brett!) Though he sees more theater than most critics, Love rejects the idea of becoming one—he worries that thinking too much about why he does or doesn’t like a piece of theater will make him jaded. But Seattle’s most ardent theatergoer agreed to share his thoughts about 2013:

What’s the best show you saw this year?

So far, Undo by Holly Arsenault at Annex [about a make-believe divorce ritual that requires the couple to have a reverse wedding]. It was such a beautifully written play. It has such a huge cast, but if you sit back and look, each character has their moment and their story. And they cast it really well. The stakes are interesting, and the characters change over the course of the story.

Worst show?

False Peach at On the Boards [Annie Dorsen’s experiment in auto-generating a script by subjecting Hamlet to algorithms] is the worst show I’ve ever seen. I hated everything about that. A lot of that was just complete gibberish. Ugh. But I love On the Boards because they swing for the fences every time.

What about Stu for Silverton, Intiman’s new musical this summer?

I did not see that out of spite. I have is-

“I love On the Boards because they swing for the fences every time.”

sues with Intiman. They make a lot of references to being all local, but it drives me crazy that they’re not taking advantage of local writers: Yussef El Guindi, Keri Healey, Kelleen Blanchard. They like New York so much, I don’t have to! And that weird thing with Stu of “It’s not ready for production, but we’re gonna do it anyway…” You’re only doing four shows a year, so do ones that are ready!

August: Osage County by Balagan?

The play is great for actors—everybody gets their big moment—but from a story perspective, it doesn’t do anything for me. Every character is the same when they walk on as when they leave. Nothing changes.

These Streets, the new musical about women in grunge?

I feel like there was a really great show there, a great story, but they didn’t do it.

Saint Genet was another polarizing show at On the Boards.

If you want to hear something really stupid I hated about that—I hated the bar. I’m very much a creature of habit, and when I go to On the Boards, I get a Coke. Then they moved the bar inside the theater and said they didn’t have Coke. Then the guy sitting next to me comes walking in with a can of Rainier. Like, you can sell someone a can of fucking Rainier, but I can’t get a Coke? But the raw spectacle of the show was amazing. They did something original.

Do you ever walk out in the middle of shows?

No, I guess there’s an optimist in me, waiting around for someone to save the day. I considered it with False Peach. I was pretty sure it was going nowhere, but I wanted to stick around and be proven correct!

ARTS CALENDAR Only the most noteworthy stuff.

ART Museums

FRYE ART MUSEUM

Franz von Stuck: This is dark, dirty, strange Symbolism with Art Nouveau flourishes—we’re talking Satan and hellfire and naked ladies and beautiful, swirling patterns. On the occasion of the 150th anniversary of his birth and the 120th anniversary of his American debut, Munich Secession cofounder Franz von Stuck—the painter of Sin—finally gets his due in his first monographic exhibition in the United States. (And the Frye is open until 3 pm on New Year’s Eve.) Free. Tues-Sun. Through Feb 2. 704 Terry Ave, 622-9250.

HENRY ART GALLERY

David Hartt: Stray Light: The photographer David Hartt got inside the iconic 1971 headquarters of Johnson Publishing in Chicago— the launching pad for Jet and Ebony magazines—right before the building was sold. The photographs, pictures, and sculptures he created are deadpan memorial documents of a specific time of pride and purpose. Through Jan 5. Haegue Yang: Anachronistic Layers of Dispersion : South Korean–born artist Haegue Yang grew up in an environment where you closed the blinds when company came over, just in case the government was watching. Now, she makes installations entirely out of artfully arranged, dangling Venetian blinds. They’re swaying constellations of pretty surveillance. Through Jan 9. Camera Nipponica: Photographs from Japan, 1880–1930: This small exhibition includes a shelf of incredible, teeny, handcolored glass-lantern slides taken between 1880 and 1930 in Japan. They glow bright. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jan 5. 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280.

SEATTLE ART MUSEUM

Peru: Kingdoms of the Sun and Moon: The museum turns

its focus southward to Peru this season, with a great big sparkling exhibition of rarely seen sculpture, painting, and textiles surveying 3,000 years of patrimony, from the Incas to the viceroys and the saints. $19.50. Wed-Sun. Through Jan 5. LaToya Ruby Frazier is the 2013 winner of Seattle Art Museum’s Jacob Lawrence and Gwendolyn Knight Prize, given to black artists who’ve been working for less than 10 years. Frazier is from Braddock, Pennsylvania, a mining town that she’s gone back to mine for her own highly personal yet broadly relevant photo and media work. It’s been shown and praised at Brooklyn Museum and the New Museum, the New York Times describing it as “preternaturally mature...arresting black-and-white photographs that sometimes look like studio portraits or social documentaries but aren’t fully at home in either category.” $15 suggested. WedSun. Through Jun 22. 1300 First Ave, 625-8900.

SEATTLE ASIAN ART MUSEUM

Liu Xiaodong grew up in a small industrial town in China that’s been left behind in the same rapid urbanization that swept him up and out into Beijing and the international art world. In Hometown Boy he goes back to portray the lost place in heartrending paintings and captioned sketches. A documentary film on the process plays in the gallery, too. It’s a stark and moving little show. $7 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jun 29. 1400 E Prospect St, 654-3100.

Continuing Exhibitions

WRIGHT EXHIBITION

SPACE

9 from L.A.: See review, page 21. Free. Thurs-Sat. Through April 25. 407 Dexter Ave N, 264-8200. visualart@thestranger.com

READINGS

Sat 12/28

JANET HAMLIN

Hamlin is a media pool sketch artist. Her new book Sketching Guantanamo: Court Sketches of the Military Tribunals, 2006 – 2103 is the only visual record we have of the secret military tribunals that sent suspected terrorists and other “enemy combatants” to Guantanamo. This is important stuff. Fantagraphics Bookstore and Gallery, 1201 S Vale St, 658-0110. www.fantagraphics.com. Free. 6 pm. readings@thestranger.com

THEATER

Opening and Current Runs

A CHRISTMAS CAROL

Charles Dickens published his polemical holiday myth about specters haunting a London miser in 1843, five years before Marx and Engels would announce that “a specter is haunting Europe” in The Communist Manifesto ACT Theatre, 700 E Union St, 2927676. acttheatre.org. $22-$65. Thurs-Fri at 6 and 8:30 pm, Sat at 2 and 7 pm, Sun at 1 and 4 pm. Through Dec 29.

DICK WHITTINGTON AND HIS CAT

A new British panto (a traditional genre in which kids are welcome, as is shouting at the stage) about a boy and his cat and the fantastical adventures they have. Featuring the Fremont Players and the Fremont Philharmonic Orchestra. Hale’s Palladium, 4301 Leary Way NW, 800-838-3600. fremontplayers.com. $7-$13. Sat at 4 and 7:30 pm, Sun at 1 and 4 pm. Through Jan 5.

LITTLE WOMEN

A Broadway musical based on the novel in which the hashish-addled Louisa May Alcott introduced the yet-to-be-fully-dismissed theory that girls are, in fact, just littler versions of adult human women. Directed by Mathew Wright. ArtsWest, 4711 California Ave SW, 938-0339. artswest.org. $17-$37. Wed-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 3 pm. Through Dec 29.

THE ROCKY HORROR SHOW

Chandelier Productions promises more blood, more sex, and more muscle in their new Rocky Horror staging. And there will be a real “rock ‘n’ roll” band. Starring Paul Gauger and directed by Georgina Spelvin. Showbox at the Market 1426 First Ave, 6283151. chandelierproductions.org.

$20-$30. Sat Dec 28 at 9 pm.

THE DINA MARTINA CHRISTMAS SHOW

“The Christmas shows of Dina Martina—the monstrously untalented chanteuse brought to life by the monstrously talented Grady West—are the stuff of legend, and this year’s installment is a veritable Whitman’s Sampler of that legend, cherry-picking the best bits from all 14 of Dina’s previous Christmas shows. Expect punny songs, awkward transitions, stupid gifts, astounding outfits, cheerful blasphemy, and interstitial stories that will bend your brain.” (David Schmader) Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 2339873. rebarseattle.com. $20$25. Thurs-Fri at 8 pm Sat at 2 and 8 pm. Through Dec 31.

Dance

THE NUTCRACKER

Pacific Northwest Ballet’s annual return to the rat-riddled Christmas classic about heroic kitchen gadgetry. McCaw Hall , 321 Mercer St, 441-2424. pnb.org. $28-$121. Various times. See pnb.org for complete schedule. Through Dec 29. theater@thestranger.com

means we recommend it. Tons more listings at THESTRANGER.COM

WORN OUT

FASHION SHAMPOO

Northwest Film Forum and Seattle Met recently brought us Screen Style, a collection of fashiony movies chosen by fashiony influencers, and propelled by an evening of fashiony discussion. Seattle Art Museum deputy director Chiyo Ishikawa picked Shampoo, a celebrity-packed tragicomic romance, where everyone gets involved with everyone. Mixed together are wives and concubines, girlfriends and ex-girlfriends, pretty boys and not-pretty boys. Sex floats around loosely in all scenes, changing its value and churning the air into paste, yet the plot twists smartly along and the characters are refreshingly complicated: “They can be silly and superficial, but you can still see the human ache they embody,” says Ishikawa during our telephone interview.

Warren Beatty plays the oppressively relaxed George, a hairstylist whose strongest desire is to escape the beauty salon—a glaring and hectic place, all ringing phones and pushy bosses. George pairs a peasant blouse with slinky bell-bottom jeans and a low-slung medallion belt, but his most striking feature is his turgid shag, rising up from his head like brown meringue.

As George’s girlfriend Jill, Goldie Hawn wears a charmingly bizarre dress that “looks like baby pajamas,” says Ishikawa. It’s velour, with the raglan sleeves of a football jersey, and is hemmed real high so “it’s about two inches long,” she says, while the powerfully unsexy twotone palette sets mustard yellow against

hamburger-patty brown. Jill wears it to a work meeting, which seems too wild to be real, but then she gets an important job, and we see that she’s not as fluffy as we immediately thought. (In a great final scene, we watch Jill as George’s betrayal both flattens and deepens her. She lets go of him easily.)

Julie Christie plays the crisply lovely Jackie, a well-kept paramour in sequined gowns and gold chains, who bleaches and back-combs and stiffens her hair into bulbed shapes. These details might be signifiers of Jackie’s moneyed obliviousness, since the story occurs in 1968—a time of war protests and dangling love beads and leather fringe and body paint. But who knows. Shampoo came out in 1975, so

perhaps these styles were less deliberate, like the frilled tuxedo shirts and palazzo trousers that leak into view and filter the movie’s illusion, just as mid-century westerns featured 1860s-era cowgirls in bouffants and bullet bras, and 1980s prehistory dramas had cavewomen with perms and shimmery purple eye shadow. Send fashion tips to marti@thestranger.com

CHOW

Instant Classic

Percy’s Is Totally a Period Piece

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Percy’s and Co. takes its old-timey name from the men’s shop that once occupied its 1898 Ballard Avenue building. The space, according to its new owners (who also own the

Cha Cha, Ace Hotels, and Rudy’s Barbershops), housed a speakeasy during Prohibition. Running the bar side of things are two local guys recalled from a New York City “apothecary bar,” and they are apothecarying at Percy’s, too, which means “infused spirits, fresh purees, and beneficial tinctures,” the last of which may be added free of charge to any cocktail to assist with “Female Balance,” “Brain Power,” “Libido,” “Complexion,” or “Energy & Immunity.” You would be forgiven for lacking the energy for, and wanting immunity from, this whole concept. When Percy’s opened not too long ago, the owners said that they did not want people to think they were “doing a period piece.” That was patently absurd—Percy’s is nothing but, with its marble-topped bar, glossy black paneling, exposed brick, seven semicircular booths with seven heavy wood-framed mirrors, glowing globes of light up near the high ceiling, and glass case (only one, though) of taxidermied birds. More recently than Prohibition, the space was the Old Town Alehouse, a Ballard staple for approximately 17 years, and a place that was old-fashionedy in its own right, though in a much lower-key way. As cranky as you might be about the changes in Ballard, you have to admit that this particular bit of renovation time-travel looks and feels absolutely great—especially right now, with tasteful fir boughs decking the hall and a huge wreath with small red berries and pinecones hanging over the bar. Percy’s is an idealized version of a classic holly-jolly pub, stately but filled with a happy din. (And it is filled; get there early if you want a booth.)

Percy’s and Co. 5233 Ballard Ave NW, 420-3750

Despite the potential for overthinking, Percy’s cocktail menu also contains greatness. A drink (unfortunately) called Thyme’s Up, with thyme-infused gin, fresh Bosc pear juice, and house-made sour mix, garnished with a sprig of thyme, was excellent, with the sour balancing what would’ve been too-sweet pear, and the thyme adding freshness and interest. Two other herb drinks were almost as good: a dillinfused vodka soda with sour mix and fresh dill for garnish, and a cilantro-infused gin and tonic with a slice of cucumber. If anything could convert dill- or cilantro-haters, it might be these—they were subtler than they sound, fragrant and crisp and refreshing. The sage-infused bourbon clashed, however, with the grapefruit juice in a drink called Herrick Helper (possibly named for 17th-century English poet Robert Herrick?). The Wild Ones—basil-infused tequila, orange liqueur, strawberry puree, fresh rhubarb, and sour mix—sounds like a hazardously good version of a strawberry margarita. Cocktails run from $7 to $10, which, in this day and age, isn’t too bad.

There’s also a full menu—more of a restaurant one than bar food, though those seated at the bar one night gravitated toward the very tasty pork dip sandwich with sweet onion marmalade and wilted mustard greens ($10).

Dave Lamping, who helped make Re:Public so good, is running the kitchen here, and there’s a lot to love on his local/seasonal menu.

A baby-gold-beet salad (all beets should be baby gold ones!) with watercress and hazelnuts was saved from beet-salad boredom by a quantity of airy, creamy, whipped house-made

ricotta ($8). A Fuji apple and endive salad ($11), though, suffered from bitter endive and a fight of strong flavors between its bits of smoked salmon and blue cheese.

Salted cod fritters ($7) were perfect bar snacks, panko-fried orbs that weren’t too greasy or too salty, with lots of potato to balance out the fish and a nicely smoked aioli. You get enough of them—portions here aren’t dainty, as in a big dish containing a superlative confit chicken leg (lots more than just the drumstick), a ton of wilty mustard greens with the right amount of vinegar, and plenty of baby potatoes ($14). The bits of chicken that fell into the greens’ pool of mustard jus and soaked there were fantastic. Sautéed gnocchi were like little pillows of cream cheese, they were so rich and good, and they were ideally balanced by crunchy bits of cauliflower, oyster mushrooms, and a simple, sparing brown butter ($18). Braised short rib with potatoes and pickled peppers ($17) was not as exciting, but still a proper big, wintery supper for a manly pub setting. Slices of seared albacore tuna felt like really venturing out in this context, and while the preserved lemon and red-onion-marinated chickpeas with them tasted great, the chickpeas were a little on the hard side instead of creamy ($12).

All beets should be baby gold ones!

Both desserts on offer—bittersweet chocolate pudding with bourbon caramel and hazelnut crumble, and caramelized bananas with rum toffee sauce and warm banana bread ($6 each)—were as good as they sound. Service is not flawless—the place is busy, and sometimes it seems like they’re struggling to keep up. You might languish with an empty drink in a booth for a while, and if you order four dishes at the same time, they might all arrive within four minutes of each other. At the bar one night, one bartender was entirely personable, while another was peremptory and less than attentive. But Percy’s is so handsome, you might not mind.

Comment on this review at THESTRANGER.COM/CHOW

DRINKING WITH CHARLES MUDEDE

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

WHERE LABOR RESTS

Sometimes it is good to have no idea where you are going to drink, to have no plans for the evening, no appointments, no clue where you will be in an hour or so. You just leave the house/apartment, catch a bus to wherever it goes, arrive at this or that place, walk up and down the streets until the lights/decor/people of an unknown bar draws you in. This is exactly what I did during a recent weekend. The day was very short, very gray, and foggy. At night, however, the clouds over the city cleared the sky like a massive curtain and revealed a cold but bright moon. I left home around 6 p.m. and looked around the south end of Beacon Hill, and then the area near Othello Station, and then along Hillman City, a place that’s near to popular Columbia City but one that I rarely visit for some dumb reason.

After walking around Hillman City for five minutes, I found and entered a joint called Union Bar. I was drawn into this place by its mood and look (wood-warm), and also by its theme: the tradition of Northwest unionism. Considering the current political climate—Seattle finally has a socialist, Kshama Sawant, on the council, and its fast-food workers are making louder

and louder demands for higher wages— the timing of this bar, which opened two months ago, could not be better. Union Bar’s motto? “Where Labor Rests.”

I sat by the window and faced the bar’s main seating area. Posters for union protests that happened in Bellevue and Seattle hang on the south wall, and the east wall holds old pictures of buildings and workers from back in the heyday of organized labor. (American union membership was decimated in the ’80s by Ronald Reagan and the policies of a new school of economics called neoliberalism.) I ordered white wine, red wine, and whiskey. I also ordered fries, which were very good. The people who sat at the bar did not look like the workers of the 20th century, but workers like me—workers of the information age, workers who had never been in a union, workers who entered the labor force when unionism was pretty much dead.

The music selected by the bartender was all Motown, which fit perfectly with the whole union theme. Motown music was made by the working class, for the working class. Playing the hits of Motortown here, among the old images and posters, recaptured the leisure culture of 20th-century American labor.

Here’s where we think you should go, brought to you by the letters J, K, and L. Disagree? Write your own damn reviews at THESTRANGER.COM/CHOW

JADE GARDEN • International District: Some say Jade Garden makes Seattle’s best dim sum, and they might just be right. It’s big and bright and loud and always crowded—expect to wait on weekends at brunchtime (you can enjoy the plastic fruit and one errant carrot hanging from the ceiling while you’re smashed into the foyer, or they’ll step out on the sidewalk and scream your name). The plus side of the crowdedness is that the dim sum comes fast and fresh and still warm. Also, look, drunkypants—they’re open until 2:30 am. (424 Seventh Ave S, 622-8181, $)

JHANJAY VEGETARIAN THAI • Ballard and

Wallingford: Cienna Madrid says: “There are countless reasons to love Jhanjay Vegetarian Thai, from the courteous waitstaff to the deference they pay to vegetables in every dish. But here’s another reason to love it: They have, by far, the best fake meat in the city. Unlike other restaurants that use the overprocessed spongy fake meat that I admittedly adore, Jhanjay makes its own fake meat in-house. It’s composed of thick layers of shredded and pressed mushrooms that unfold as you chew, like striations of real meat. The sensation is marvelous, especially when juxtaposed with crunchy bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, green peas, and corn in their signature Jhanjay noodle dish.” (5313B Ballard Ave NW, 588-1469; 1718 N 45th St, 632-1484, jhanjay.com; $$)

JOE BAR • Capitol Hill: Cute little Joe Bar has interesting art on the walls as well as nice people inside those walls, and crepes are served in addition to its namesake

Since Joule moved, it might be even better than ever.

coffee. The cheapest and most delicious item on the crepe menu is also the most classic: lemon juice and powdered sugar, topped with thin-to-transparent slices of lemon. The more substantial savory crepes include a tasty Caprese salad rip-off and a spinach, roasted red pepper, and blue cheese combo. Also: panini, soup, salads, antipasto plates, and beer and wine, and yay for that. (810 E Roy St, 324-0407, joebar.org, $)

JOLLY ROGER TAPROOM • Ballard: The Jolly Roger Taproom is brewpub meets pirates’ lair, complete with a treasure map painted on the floor. Beers are from the family-owned Maritime Pacific Brewery, and the menu offers both cheap pub grub and fancier entrees. People love the onion rings, oyster sliders, and fried pickles. (1111 NW Ballard Way, 782-6181, maritimebrewery. ypguides.net, $–$$)

JOULE • Wallingford: Joule relocated from its original location on 45th into a refurbished warehouse on Stone Way in late 2012; chef/owners Rachel Yang and Seif Chirchi’s Korean-influenced cuisine is, possibly, better than ever. The highly stylish space adjoins Renee Erickson’s the Whale Wins and has great wallpaper, a communal table, and a neato fire pit in front. Check out their also-excellent Revel further into Fremont, too. (3506 Stone Way N, 632-1913, joulerestaurant.com, $$)

JOY PALACE • Rainier Valley: Some claim that the dim sum at cavernous Joy Palace is the best in Seattle, rivaling Jade Garden; it’s at least easier to get a table at weekend brunchtime. (6030 Martin Luther King Jr. Way S, 723-4066, joypalaceseattle.com, $$)

JUDKINS STREET CAFE • Central District: This little neighborhood spot is especially good for brunch. Charles Mudede recommends the biscuits and gravy, as well as the veggie scramble: eggs, goat cheese, spinach, squash, onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms, “a great version of a simple thing.” (2608 S Judkins St, 322-1091, judkinsstreetcafe.com, $–$$)

KANAME IZAKAYA & SHOCHU BAR • International District: The interior of Kaname Izakaya looks like it could’ve been airlifted from Kyoto, with rice-paper screens and dark wood—some of it left all knotty and unfinished and wabi-sabi. The ramen is mediocre, but the bar’s liquid specialty, shochu, is big in Japan—more popular than sake. It’s something of a superliquor: low calorie and supposedly actively healthful, purported to prevent heart attacks. Shochu’s mildness is also hailed as perfect with food, especially with izakaya, the Japanese improvement on bar snacks. Izakaya small plates tend toward the salty and strong-flavored, the grilled, fried, and odd-textured— Kaname’s versions are pretty standard-issue, but they’re cheap, and so are the drinks, and it’s fun to be here. (610 S Jackson St, 682-1828, kaname-izakaya.com, $-$$)

KATSU BURGER • Georgetown: Chef/owner Hajime Sato of West Seattle’s sustainable sushi joint Mashiko also runs Katsu Burger in Georgetown. In a seemingly impossible new-burger-twist, Sato’s are tonkatsu style: a beef patty (or chicken or

mayo and dried seaweed flakes. The mammoth Mt. Fuji burger—with multiple patties, bacon, cheese, and egg, and more—is probably best left unsurmounted. (6538 Fourth Ave S, 762-0752, katsuburger.com, $–$$)

KAU KAU • International District: This is where you get those gorgeous, delicious barbecued ducks, as well as awesome barbecued pork, to take out or eat in. (656 S King St, 682-4006, $)

KAUAI FAMILY RESTAURANT • Georgetown: The most authentic Hawaiian food in town—loco moco, Spam musubi, poi, saimin, plate lunches/dinners, macaroni salad—is found in a strip mall in Georgetown, and the place is anti-fancy, friendly, and overall great. Chinese, Japanese, and Filipino dishes are also available, all prepared “local” (Hawaiian) style. The cakes have been known to make native Hawaiians weepy with delight. (6324 Sixth Ave S, 762-3469, kauaifamilyrestaurant.com, $)

KEDAI MAKAN • Capitol Hill: Kedai Makan—from a former Ba Bar/Monsoon/Poppy chef and a former Cascadia/now Crush staffer who traveled (and ate) extensively in Southeast Asia—makes really good Malaysian street food. It’s pronounced “kah-dye mahkan.” They started out at farmers markets, and their tiny brick-and-mortar location is where Tacos Gringos used to be on Olive Way; their mascot is a rubber chicken named Kevin. (1510 E Olive Way, kedaimakanseattle.com, $)

KEZIRA CAFE • Columbia City: Our friend Jill says Kezira Cafe, which used to be Solom, is “still Ethiopian— still really good Ethiopian, in fact, and festively painted purple and orange now.” (5100 Rainier Ave S, $)

CENTRAL PIZZA’S EDIBLE ANIMAL COLLECTIVE

Ellie Rose and Eric Ellsworth Owners, Central Pizza 2901 S Jackson St, 602-6333

The cocktail menu at Central Pizza in the Central District makes owners Ellie Rose and Eric Ellsworth’s bartending experience immediately apparent. It includes a drink made with cava (the Aperol You’ve Done) and the Sawadee, a moonshine, lemon, ginger, and muddled basil concoction that tastes almost healthy and, perhaps dangerously, not even slightly of booze. The two met while bartending years ago at Belltown Pizza. Central’s pizza is thin-crust and piled with toppings. The slice I tried was carpeted with tender mushrooms and miraculously not-mushy spinach. Whole pies are available—the most popular are the Porter Pie, with seasonal fruit, prosciutto, and mozzarella, and the multi-meat (though sadly not musical) Animal Collective.

Central Pizza has a Dirty Dancing reference on the menu (“Nobody puts a pizza in a corner”) and a collage of retro movie hunks in the bathroom. When asked the oddest topping she could think of, Ellie spoke in awe of pizza crusts filled with tiny hot dogs. Central Pizza’s clientele so far is mostly CD and Leschi families, though the place has more of a party atmosphere since the kids’ play area (installed by All Purpose Pizza, the space’s former inhabitant) has been replaced by a full bar. SARAH GALVIN

KIMCHI BISTRO • Capitol Hill: People love the traditional Korean fare at Kimchi Bistro, an unfancy but pleasant place tucked away back in the Broadway Alley building. The bi bim bap is highly recommended, and soon doo boo (soft tofu soup) arrives at the table in the throes of active boiling, though it soon settles—bright red, spicy, and delicious, revealing bits of savory vegetables and other treats in its depths. All soups and hot pots are served in heavy jade bowls, which are kept warm all day in the restaurant’s oven—if you have a hangover, one of these can definitely help you out. (219 Broadway E, 323-4472, $)

KINGFISH CAFE • Capitol Hill: From the day it opened its doors in 1997, the lines for the Kingfish have never diminished (they don’t take reservations). People still wait, often for an hour on weekends, to eat its fancy soul foods and absorb its atmosphere of jazz and black American prosperity. The two rooms have ruined-plaster walls, ceiling fans, copper pipes, and gigantic sepia photographs of the owners’ ancestors—“From our great, great aunt Mary Laura Josephine, born a slave in 1850, to our third cousin, the poet Langston Hughes,” the menu says. Buttermilk fried chicken, thick and sweet collard greens, and spicy and soft-fleshed catfish are a few of the treasured items, and if the Kingfish’s service still doesn’t seem up to the task of dealing with the Kingfish’s popularity after all these years, well, people still wait. (602 19th Ave E, 320-8757, thekingfishcafe.com, $$–$$$)

KING’S HARDWARE • Ballard: This western-style bar, brother to Capitol Hill’s beloved Linda’s Tavern, is a good place to share a pitcher, but be warned that it’s almost always crowded. When you get hungry, a menu of specialty burgers awaits, including the After School Special, topped with peanut butter and bacon (!). Also:

skee-ball and a humongous patio. (5225 Ballard Ave NW, 782-0027, kingsballard.com, $$)

KISAKU • Green Lake: Kisaku is an upscale sushi place that will deliver one of the better meals you’ve had in a long time. This is pristine seafood, in the hands of experts who know it’s best to let the integrity of the fish speak for itself—go elsewhere for rolls with cream cheese or mango in them (and don’t let the door hit you on your way out). (2101 N 55th St, 545-9050, kisaku.com, $$)

KOKORAS GREEK GRILL • West Seattle: This nondescript West Seattle storefront contains a familyowned taverna-style place serving some of Seattle’s favorite Greek food. The Rouvas (by way of their website, and most likely in person, too) say to you: “Eat, drink and enjoy your experience you won’t leave Kokoras Greek grill hungry!” (6400 1/2 California Ave SW, 913-0041, kokorasgreekgrill.com, $)

KOREAN TOFU HOUSE • University District: This is a great little Korean place with especially great kimchi soup. The soup comes to the table still bubbling, a bright orange color that says, “This is going to hurt, and you’re going to like it.” Packed with big chunks of spicy cabbage and little nubby morsels of pork, it’ll warm you up for hours. A bonus: the banchan, small dishes that accompany most Korean meals—you get soft potatoes in sweet sauce, bean sprouts, scallion pancake, and, of course, more kimchi (you can never have too much). (4142 Brooklyn Ave NE, 632-3119, $)

KRUA THAI FAMILY KITCHEN • Ravenna and Lower Queen Anne: “Krua” means kitchen in Thai, so it’s “Kitchen Thai Family Kitchen,” a lovely bit of redundancy if ever there was one. This small, family-run Thai restaurant is held in high esteem in Ravenna, and there’s a second location in Lower Queen Anne, where Cloves and some other places we can’t remember used to be. (2515 NE 55th St, 985-4398; 12 Mercer St, 708-7838, kruaseattle.com; $–$$)

LA BÊTE • Capitol Hill: The beautiful former Chez Gaudy space—a 1927 brick building tucked away on Capitol Hill’s Bellevue Avenue—got a renovation and a very worthy tenant with La Bête. The space feels a little old-fashioned, intimate and pretty, but not at all precious; the Northwest-ingredient-focused cuisine is made by Aleks Dimitrijevic (Bouley, Harvest Vine, and Licorous). Of note: the alchemical handmade pork rinds and the banana split—and in between, it’s hard to go wrong. One way to decide: Everybody here looks, surreptitiously or openly, at what everybody else is getting, in the way that the nonfood-obsessed check out other people’s dates. And on Mondays, the menu roves to cuisines like Indian or Mexican, and the results are generally as good or better than the best in town. A lot of chefs eat at La Bête on their nights off. (1802 Bellevue Ave, 329-4047, labeteseattle.com, $$$)

LA ISLA • Ballard: If you’re a friend of the deep-fryer—or if you just like to acquaint yourself with some of its finest work from time to time—head to this Puerto Rican eatery and rum bar and order a mixed appetizer platter. It’s a little bit of crispy-fried heaven, with each nugget boasting its own distinct texture. Alcapurrias, or taro dumplings, start crisp, then dissolve into tender mush. The flaky empanada provides a tumble of seasoned beef with each mouthful. Then there are the more stolid,

MUSIC

to this EP, one feels that Tiglo and Cole are in no rush to become famous, but are more concerned with getting their sound and rap mode down. Third, they also released the best hiphop video of the year for “Pike & Broadway,” which expressed new urban values for the hiphop culture of the future: the pleasures of cycling around the city and visiting/enjoying parks.

3. The Sickle & the Sword by RA Scion and Rodney Hazard

Nacho Picasso Is King, Macklemore Enters a New Realm of Stardom, OCnotes Defines the New 206, and My Top Five Albums of 2013

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

This year was, for the most part, a good year for local hiphop, though we saw no new acts escaping the gravity of the 206 and entering the orbit of the big time. Macklemore dominated the

year, of course, and we watched his fame stabilize in a region of stardom that very few humans reach or can even comprehend. Indeed, it is a region so far from reality for almost all humans that it has more in common with the fantastic stuff of dreams than the physically hard things we see daily with our own eyes. To use words from R. Kelly’s “Did You Ever Think”: Did you ever think that you would be this rich? Did you ever think that you would have these hits?… Did you ever think that you would sell out tours? Have a show with fifty million viewers? Macklemore should do a cover of that tune. But back on earth—back on the streets, back in the home studios on Beacon Hill, Capitol Hill, and the University District— some new and established local rappers and producers generated a good number of solid LPs and EPs, my favorite five of which are listed below. But before naming them, I want to quickly bring up something that my man OCnotes recently tweeted: He does not want to be recognized as a hiphop producer, but only and simply as a musician. This declaration surprised me because, for one, I do feel that musicians are very different from hiphop producers, and two, hiphop production is as serious an art as the production of what is traditionally identified as music. Why would OCnotes not want to be known as a hiphop producer? What’s wrong with the methods, processes, and aesthetics of hiphop production? I think the statement may not pertain to the older arguments about whether hiphop is music or not, but is an expression of an emerging mood among many in the 206 community. More and more producers are

working on projects that are hard to define or have little to no relationship with what is commonly known or understood to be hiphop. In a sense, OCnotes just wants to be honest about this fact. He is not making rap, jazz, indie rock, or house. He is just making music.

I bring this up because one of the most interesting developments of 2013 was the rise of the Black Weirdo parties organized and curated by THEESatisfaction—Stasia “Stas” Irons and Catherine “Cat” HarrisWhite. I think these parties capture this new openness, the lack of limits, this break with stable cultural structures of hiphop. OCnotes—who has performed at Black Weirdo parties and was selected by Stas and Cat as the third “Black Weirdo of the Week”—is all about confounding expectations and achieving a condition of radical musical freedom. He is black and, according to the current stable definitions of what is and what is not musically black, he is weird.

Why would OCnotes not want to be known as a hiphop producer?

But 2013 was also the year that saw the rise of a group composed of three rappers who do not make rap music at all: the Flavr Blue. Rappers Hollis Wong-Wear, Lace Cadence, and Parker Joe have deep roots in the 206 community—Hollis was one half of Canary Sing, Lace rocked with Clockwork, and Parker has not entirely broken with the rap crew he helped establish a few years back, State of the Artist—but there is no hiphop on the Flavr Blue’s 2012 debut album, Pisces, or the EP they released this year, Bright Vices. I feel there is a connection or correspondence between OCnotes’ assertion about his status as an artist, the radical openness of Black Weirdo parties, and the

hiphop-less hiphop of the Flavr Blue. The 206 might be undoing what is known and understood for the purpose of creating a space for the arrival of something that has no name, no history. What will happen in 2014? Who knows? What I do know is what happened in 2013, and the best album of the year is Nacho Picasso’s High & Mighty

1. High & Mighty by Nacho Picasso

Released on the very last day of October, High & Mighty has three things that make it the top record of the year. First, the production on this album is just solid. From the first track (the darkling “Crime Waves”) to the last (the brilliantly twisted “Sounds Like the Outro”), the music keeps the listener engaged and pleased—High & Mighty does not have a single weak or lazy beat. Second, it has a unified sound that corresponds with reason three: Nacho Picasso’s rap mode. His rhymes pulsate just above the subliminal, often spiral into the surreal and pornographic, are often packed with references to deep and dark parts of popular culture, and imagine a nocturnal 206—a 206 that never sleeps but is also not really awake, existing in the twilight of the two states. High & Mighty is a record Seattle can be proud of.

2. Tacos on Broadway by Brothers from Another

The two young rappers, Tiglo and Cole, of Brother from Another had a very good year for three reasons. First, they were correctly selected by XXL magazine as one of Seattle’s “rappers you should know,” and second, the EP Tacos on Broadway, which featured production by one of my favorite beat-creators in town, Nima Skeemz (he not only did beats for one of the best tracks of the year, Raz Simone’s “Sometimes I Don’t,” but also the local hiphop classic by Sol, “Stage Dive”), has a consistently crisp and chill sound. When listening

RA Scion had a busy year in 2013. In spring, he released Adding to the Extra, an album produced by Todd Sykes (one half of Tacoma’s CityHall), which marked Scion’s return to the “old boom-bap” and introduced a new and very talented rapper to the scene, John Crown (he is on “Amalgam X”). But in the fall, Scion dropped a huge, beautiful, and deeply spiritual/philosophical LP , The Sickle & the Sword, which was produced by New York City’s Rodney Hazard. Three reasons for loving this record: One, the dubby, ghostly, gorgeous track “Bloodletter” is one of RA Scion’s highest achievements as an artist; two, like Nacho Picasso’s High & Mighty, it has a unified sound (thanks to Hazard); three, it takes a lot of risks and does not fear overflowing or even failure. Hazard and Scion need to join forces again.

4. Romaro Franceswa by Romaro Franceswa

In late spring, the young rapper Romaro Franceswa dropped an excellent self-titled album that was produced by the local veteran BeanOne. The album is about the streets, and the streets that Franceswa is all about are found in Federal Way. The album is good for three reasons: Franceswa’s raps are packed with energy, and this energy is matched by the second reason, BeanOne’s beats (this cat has been in the business since the mid-’90s—probably even earlier than that—and yet he manages to sound as fresh and energetic as a young buck going for broke). Three, Romaro Franceswa kept the streets in the 2013 game. What do I mean by this? With the continued gentrification of Seattle (good-bye, Yesler Terrace), it’s important to keep in mind (and not lose sight of) the life of those who are harassed by racist cops and often have to hustle to make a living in a society that has systematically abandoned them. In short, Franceswa is keeping it real.

5. Basementality by Wizdumb

Almost exactly one year ago, Wizdumb, a local producer, dropped a seriously wonderful collection of beats and raps called Basementality. If there was a hiphop university, and this album was a PhD dissertation on the styles, methods, and aesthetics of early- to mid-’90s hiphop production, and I was on the committee for this dissertation, I would grant Wizdumb a doctorate for three reasons: One, he displays a deep understanding of the beauty of ’90s hiphop; two, he does not sound like he is imitating that form of music but instead contributing to its program; and three, he is both an excellent instrumentalist and a beat producer for rappers.

FAVORITES OF 2013

It’s that magic time of year, when we’re subjected to endless “best-of” articles compiled by a bunch of underpaid, life-hating freelancers. I loathe lists, and list-think, but I’ll give it a try:

A$AP Ferg, Trap Lord: Best BasedGod Tribute; A$AP Rock, Live.Love.A$AP: Best 14th Minute; Big Sean, Hall of Fame: Best Song Wasn’t Even on It (P.S. He Got Bodied on It); Eminem, Marshall Mathers LP 2: Best We’re Gonna Get at This Point; Flatbush Zombies, Better Off Dead: Best Way to Piss Me Off; J. Cole, Born Sinner: Best Personality; Jay Z, Magna Carta Holy Grail: Best Trick the Devil Ever Pulled; Wale, The Gifted: N/A. Funny enough, but I don’t think I’ll do that with the stuff I actually liked. I’ll just tell you that this year my life was vastly improved by the time I spent with Chance the Rapper ’s Acid Rap , Danny Brown ’s Old , Disclosure ’s Settle , Drake ’s Nothing Was the Same , Earl Sweatshirt ’s Doris, Freddie Gibbs ’s E$GN , the Internet ’s Feel Good , Ka ’s The Night’s Gambit, Kanye West ’s Yeezus , Kelela ’s Cut 4 Me , Lil’ B ’s Pink Flame , Mac Miller ’s Watching Movies with the Sound Off , Migos ’s YRN , Mr. MFN eXquire ’s Kismet Run the Jewels , Prodigy & Alchemist ’s Albert Einstein , Pusha T ’s My Name Is My Name , Thundercat ’s Apocalypse, Troy Ave ’s New York City , Tyler, the Creator ’s Wolf , Waka Flocka Flame ’s Duflocka Rant 2 —but none of them as much as Young Thug ’s 1017 Thug , the Best Shit I Ever Heard in My Life (2013).

Local-wise, this year new talent and young old souls sprang up like psilocybe cyanescens. Tough call determining a rookie of the year, what with Porter Ray’s exquisitely crafted, reverent town scriptures; the emergence of Cam the Mac as the secret weapon of the already well-armed, talentwise, Moor Gang; and the rowdy, raw pleasures of Tacoma monsters ILLFIGHTYOU (inevitable conflict alert—I do comanage these guys).

That said, if you’re a connoisseur of the local vintage, I’d direct you to spend some time with these albums: Avatar Darko‘s Boris the Blade, Bolo Nef & Ryan Evans‘s Croatoan Crimewave, Cam the Mac‘s 2Hunnidx6 Caz Greez‘s Misfit Grayskul‘s Zenith, Havi‘s Self-Portrait, ILLFIGHTYOU‘s ILLFIGHTYOU Key Nyata‘s The Shadowed Diamond, Kung Foo Grip‘s Growing Up in the Future, Malitia Malimob‘s Idi Amin Project, Nacho Picasso‘s High & Mighty, Nacho & Avatar‘s Vampsterdam, the Physics‘ Digital Wildlife, Porter Ray‘s BLK GLD, RSE GLD, and WHT GLD, Raz Simone‘s Solomon Samuel Simone, Romaro Franceswa‘s Romaro Franceswa, Royce the Choice‘s Talk Ain’t Cheap, Sax G‘s Tu Me Manques, Sneak Guapo‘s Suicide Capitol, Sol‘s Eyes Open, and THEESatisfaction‘s Loves Erykah Badu and And That’s Your Time

Lastly, Future’s “Shit” was the Best Song Ever for my money this year. Its opening bar—“Bought the ho a hunnid pair of red-bottoms”—isn’t exactly the first line of “Straight Outta Compton,” but it similarly makes me feel like running through a brick wall regardless.

TUESDAY 1/7 TENNIS

WEDNESDAY 1/15 CLOUD CONTROL

TUESDAY 1/21 DRENGE

FRIDAY 1/31 THE PACK AD

SATURDAY 2/1 THE YOUNG EVILS

TUESDAY 2/11 DELOREAN

COMING SOON

1/11 Maria Taylor • 1/17 Stag • 1/20 Superhumanoids • 1/22 Mutual Benefit

• 1/23 Robert DeLong • 2/10

Quilt • 2/19 Lawrence Rothman

• 2/22 DJ Spooky • 2/24 Xiu Xiu

• 2/25 A Tribe Called Red • 2/26

Hospitality • 2/28 Agesandages

• 3/2 together Pangea

• 3/7 Angel Olsen • 3/14 Pigpen Theatre Co.

• 3/22 Yellow Ostrich

NYE Party feat. DJ SWERVEWON $10/$20 AFTER 11PM 925 E. PIKE STREET NEUMOS LOWER LEVEL THEBARBOZA.COM COMING UP « NEW YEAR’S EVE 2014 »

SOUND CHECK

INTERVIEWS BY TRENT MOORMAN

THE TOP 40 QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS OF 2013

1. How’s Tripoli? Trippy. How’s Seattle? —Lady Gaga

2. Do you like igloos? Talk about igloos. I like igloos. —James Blake

3. Do you want to camp after your show at the Gorge? My friend Kevin can lend you a sleeping bag. We have Fireball. We won’t stab you. That’s tempting. Let me think about it. —Geezer Butler, Black Sabbath

4. After breakfast in bed, there’s the horse-carriage ride to the spa. What do I play in the carriage? Play “Battlezone” and get some ’80s R&B greatest hits going. —Bizzy Bone, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony

5. Have you been reincarnated? I don’t know if I’ve had other lifetimes or not, but I regularly feel a kinship with the image of a cross-eyed Chinese man. —Bianca Casady, CocoRosie

6. What did you think of the CocoRosie? The paparazzi? —Tad Doyle

7. What’s your advice to women in music? Don’t pay attention to sexist bullshit. Don’t lead with your butt or cooch. —Ann Wilson, Heart

8. I heard Oprah hired y’all to play in her shoe closet? Because she likes to have live music while she picks out shoes? We played the Bloomingdales in the Beverly Center one time, which is a mall in Los Angeles. —Bethany Cosentino, Best Coast

9. Let’s talk about your imitation of Oprah Winfrey. What runs through the mind of Tracy Morgan as he puts himself in the mind of Oprah Winfrey? That wasn’t my real talent. —Tracy Morgan

10. I spoke with Glenn Danzig, and he said punk is dead. I don’t know if Danzig is really a punk spokesman. —Marky Ramone

11. What does Glenn Danzig do during downtime? I try to work out. I like to read. —Glenn Danzig

12. How do you crush a moth casually? You tell me. —Alice Glass, Crystal Castles

13. Ellen DeGeneres was so not into Jon Bon Jovi’s lipstick lesbian look. Is that why they broke it off? I don’t know if he and Ellen were really an official couple. What do you mean by lipstick lesbian? —Tammy (who I thought was Dina Martina)

14. What’s the weirdest thing you ever saw happen onstage? If it wasn’t weird, that was weird. —George Clinton

15. Has the announcement been made about the Postal Service headlining WrestleMania IX? Can I break that? What, that we’re headlining WrestleMania? Yeah, sure, why not. —Ben Gibbard

16. Do you own your own Slayer Christmas Sweater? I approved it! The

ugliest fucking sweater on earth. —Tom Araya, Slayer

17. What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen done to a rat? Rats eating rats. —Colin Dawson, Haunted Horses

18. With hoarders, there’s a maggot element. You don’t have maggots. That’s true. I haven’t seen any maggots yet. Sometimes I might leave a cup in my car. — Peanut Butter Wolf

19. It was the spot to hump disgusting old sofas. He was humping it, and he’d snap his head and look at us, and then keep humping. —Jordan Jeffares, Snowden

20. Tell me about partying with Lance Armstrong and Lars Ulrich in Tokyo. Y’all had a saltine cracker fight? Lars wouldn’t get off the bidet? Well, if we’re talking about celebs, I’d rather talk about the first time we played in London. —Nic Offer, !!!

21. What’s a funny story from the road? I can’t really think of anything. —Rob Crow, Pinback

“Don’t

22. Then what happens? We see that his belly had indeed been sliced by the blade, so finely that the wound was unnoticeable until time began again. As life drains away from him, he sees that he’s back in the garden where their love blossomed. —Ioanna Gika, IO Echo

around, you’re right. —Mike McCready, Pearl Jam

28. How the hell does Green Day have a Laser Green Day? You gotta be fucking kidding me with that. An interesting point. Someone may be kidding you, but it is not me. —Les Claypool, Primus

29. Tell me a story about lighting something on fire. There was an oil field with an old truck that looked like it hadn’t been driven since World War II. My buddy hotwired it, started driving, and then jumped out. We watched it ghost ride off of a cliff into the darkness. Then we heard a giant explosion. There were flames 30 feet high. We ran. It was a fucking oil field. —The Growlers

30. There are farm animals. Where did you get them? Can I get a goat story? We crowdsourced the goats. We asked for one and got THREE. The internet is an amazing place. —Brady Harvey, Tea Cozies

31. What’s this about you having an epileptic cat? We have an epileptic cat. Her name is Pearl. Does anyone else out there have an epileptic cat? —Zera Marvel, Dead Ship Sailing

lead with your butt or cooch.”

32. What happens to the character the night before he ships off to war? It’s the allegory of man literally fucking the world. —Nate Quiroga, Iska Dhaaf

23. Next topic: Hayao Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving Castle I don’t know what that is, but I don’t like it. —Seth Bogart, Hunx and His Punx

24. What was Johnny Cash like? He was very friendly and polite and gracious, just an elegant man. —Barrett Martin, Walking Papers

25. What did you learn from working with Ice-T? How to manage money while making money. —Shafiq Husayn, Sa-Ra

26. Who else was on that bill with the Sex Pistols the night you decided to form a band? The Clash, playing their third show. Siouxsie and the Banshees had Sid Vicious on drums. They did a 20-minute version of “The Lord’s Prayer.” —Tim Butler, the Psychedelic Furs

27. You said you used to have a KISS room. Let’s be honest. You still have a KISS room. There may be some KISS stuff

33. FlyLo-Thundercat Meth will be a fine meth. Runnin’ real deep in these streets, you know? Get yourself a team. —Thundercat

34. Do you get asked if you’re into furries? You know, the people who dress up in animal suits and Barney suits and stuff, and have sex. I know about furries. —Munaf Rayani, Explosions in the Sky

35. I wanted to ask about bandannas. Apparently, orange will keep you covered for just about anything. Maybe stay away from wearing a brown one, unless you’re into that. —Brighton Kenoyer, Wishbeard

36. I pulled up a video of a lady who married the Eiffel Tower. She’s an “objectum sexual.” Objectum sexuals fall in love with objects. Crazy shit right there. —Tyler, the Creator

37. I don’t think of you guys as being “minimal.” I’ve grown a fondness for the silence when it comes to rap. The spaces in between. —Mikey Nice, Kingdom Crumbs

38. How many times did you look at Kevin Barrans’s beard and think, “God, it’s so abundant and silky, I could land a floatplane on it?” Every time I look at Kevin’s perfectly groomed, two-foot-long beard, my imagination runs wild. I think about it being some other land that a really small, magical colony lives in. —Faustine Hudson, the Maldives

39. What’s your passion? I’m fairly into anime pillows. —Frankie Crescioni/Jim James

40. What? But we’re speaking. I was connected seven times by your seven managers. Yeah. I have the iPhone 50. It lets you speak to the dead. —John Bonham, Led Zeppelin.

Comment on Trent’s mind at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

DANCE

JANUARY 3RD

SPITS SEX CRIME // WIMPS // DJ DANGER NUN // MF CAKE TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31ST

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5TH

THU/DECEMBER 26SAT/DECEMBER 28 • SHOW TIMES VARY land of the sweets the burlesque nutcracker

SUN/DECEMBER 29 • 7PM the bobs after christmas holiday show

MON/DECEMBER 30 • 7:30PM (17+) showgirls! the movie hosted by david schmader

TUE/DECEMBER 31 • 7PM DINNER SHOW & 10:30PM DESSERT AN NEW YEAR’S EVENING WITH storm large

THU/JANUARY 2 • 7:30PM CD RELEASE PARTY! seth freeman w/ the cody rentas band

1/9 GRASP LOGIC 1/11 LETTERS FROM TRAFFIC 1/12 ARTACHE / HANGOVER MARKET (FREE) 1/15 A BENEFIT FOR PHILIPPINES FT. PONYHOMIE 1/16 POCKET PANDA 1/17 BOOTIE SEATTLE 1/18 SCHOOL OF ROCK PERFORMS: NEW WAVE (EARLY // ALLAGES) 1/18 JAI HO! 1/22 DISAPPEARS 1/23 DTCV (EX-GUIDED BY VOICES) 1/24 DEADKILL (RECORD RELEASE) FRIDAY, JANUARY 10TH

SAT/JANUARY 4 • 7:30PM the brian nova all star big band - a tribute to frank, ray and nat

next • 1/8 red molly w/ anne and pete sibley

• 1/9 - 1/11 elvis alive w/ vince mira & guests

• 1/12 school of rock performs the beatles

• 1/14 emily asher’s garden party

• 1/16 kelly joe phelps • 1/17 - 1/19 los lobos

• 1/22 george kahumoku jr and led kaapana • 1/24 the big gig: 6 speeds, lt to hi • 1/25 kim virant and gerald collier • 1/28 chieli minucci & special efx

• 12/26 tiger’s wood • 12/27 gypsy swing happy hour: the djangomatics / strutbutt feat. members of tubaluba

• 12/28 jelly rollers • 12/29 via sound

• 12/30 crossrhythm session • 12/31 camila recchio band • 1/1 closed for the holiday

dinner & show TO ENSURE

9:30PM)

UP&COMING

Lose your occasional stunning solo every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 43 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 12/25

Bloodlust: DJs Gin & Tonic (Pony) I’ve not been to Pony’s Bloodlust night, which happens every last Wednesday, but it looks intriguing. Hosted by DJs Gin & Tonic (a hail of booze for those names), Bloodlust spotlights “goth, synthpop, industrial, and deathdisko.” Of course,

with any genre, only about 10 to 15 percent of it is great, so let’s hope Gin & Tonic will rigorously zero in on the killer cuts from those styles. And if they’re taking requests, may I suggest something from Patrick Cowley’s recently unearthed School Daze (Dark Entries), a collection of sinister gay-porn soundtrack music? Play the whole damn thing—there’s not a bum cut on it. Bonus for you drinkers: Happy hour lasts all night. DAVE SEGAL

Thursday 12/26

Built to Spill, La Luz (Neumos) While fact-checking Trent Moorman’s recent interview with Built to Spill’s original-andnow-current guitarist Brett Netson, I accidentally listened to BTS for an entire day. I say “accidentally” because BTS has always been BEBM (BoringEx-Boyfriend Music) to me—the high-ish voice, the never-ending riffage, the trudging similarity of it all, the exes who loved it… But in the privacy of my own headphones, while reading up on these shaggy indie titans, I think I finally understood some of it—you just have to be in the right mood, and BAM, the hooks hook you and you’re nostalgic for memories that never even happened. Someone told me the perfect BTS setting is blaring the second or fourth album while chugging a gallon of wine while your friend drives you through the countryside, and I believe it. Who’s in? EMILY NOKES

Friday 12/27

Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band (Jazz Alley) See Monday.

Built to Spill, La Luz (Neumos) See Thursday.

Black Breath, Paralyzer, Old Skin, Countdown to Armageddon (Crocodile) It felt like there was a brief moment in Black Breath’s career when everyone in the Seattle region with even the slightest appreciation for metal embraced their punkish appropriation of Slayer’s relentless thrash and Dismember’s deathly chug, yet the band was virtually unknown outside of a 100-mile radius. This meant that you could watch Black Breath unleash their fury in local holes-in-the-wall on a regular basis. But as is often the case with Seattle’s local heroes, the secret was short-lived, and now Black Breath spend a sizable chunk of the year bashing it out in different hemispheres. That absence makes this show an extra-special, if somewhat belated, Christmas gift to Seattle’s Black Breath fans—an overdue dose of blasphemy and brutality to counteract the festive holidays. BRIAN COOK

The Dusty 45s, Zoe Muth, the Swearengens, Miller & Sasser (Tractor) One would like to think the Swearengens adopted their name from Al Swearengen, the legendarily profane brothel owner from HBO’s dearly missed Deadwood but alas, their music is a rather polite blend of organ-dusted country and Springsteen-leaning road-trip rock. The Dusty 45s are a bit less polished, occasionally incorporating “Ring of Fire”–esque trumpets to liven up their relatively straightforward compositions. You could almost see them playing behind chicken wire, bottles of cheap beer smashing against it as they rock ever onward—high praise for a bar band. Zoe Muth may steal the show, however, with her lilting, farmer’sdaughter-next-door voice and alternately melancholy and joyous country tunes. KYLE FLECK

Saturday 12/28

Duke Ellington’s Sacred Music (Town Hall) See Stranger Suggests, page 19. Built to Spill, La Luz (Neumos) See Thursday.

Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band (Jazz Alley) See Monday.

NECTAR LOUNGE 412 N 36th St 206.632.2020 www.nectarlounge.com

12.27 Friday (Funk) THE MOTET

World’s Finest, DJ Leopold Bloom

$12 adv / $16 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

12.28 Saturday (Bhangra / Dance)

JAI HO! Masquerade Ball

Pre New Year’s Eve Bollywood Party

Hosted by Prashant - Singer, Dancer, DJ

Reignwolf (Neptune) GO SEE REIGNWOLF!!! DO IT NOW!!! I’m sorry to yell at you, but this is just how it is. If you’ve managed to see this freak before, you know what’s up. If you haven’t: We recommend musicians all the time with all sorts of adjectives and metaphors and sometimes the use of the word “sonic.” It’s hard, then, to say, “This one is an exceptional recommendation, more so than the others!” But this one just is. Trust me! There’s something special about Reignwolf—something in his eyes, his sweat, his guitar-

shredding, his hairdo. Once in your life, you have to go see a local Wolverine-looking guy impregnate a whole crowd with his sex eyes and then toss a still-playing electric guitar onto the drum set with a crash and walk right the fuck offstage. You just do.

Marc Seales Group (Tula’s) Instead of hearing from me, let’s hear from a real jazz musician, D’Vonne Lewis (he is a drummer and the founder of Industrial Revelation),

about local jazz pianist Marc Seales (he is a professor of jazz piano at the University of Washington): “I knew of him when I was at Roosevelt High School because I used to write poetry with his daughter, Maddie Seales—I was the poet laureate in high school. But Marc was one of the few black musicians I knew of back then. He played with Don Lanphere, a saxophonist, and the New Stories Trio. And Maddie used to talk about her dad all the time. I eventually learned that he was interested in playing with me. So one day, he called me and also Evan Flory-Barnes up, and it was cool. I did not know his style, but his program turned out to be easy. He was like: Just go with it. He was into the groove. He liked my groove, and we have been playing ever since. He is one my of favorite piano players.”

CHARLES MUDEDE

Bad Tats, Boss Martians, the Crap, Acapulco Lips, Terman Shanks, Dirty Sidewalks, Back Stabbing Romeos (Lo-Fi) Holy jeez, it’s not often you get seven bands on one bill. Most crazy to my eyeballs, though, is seeing the Boss Martians in this lineup. I haven’t seen them play since ye ol’ olden days, the late ’90s/early ’00s, when we still had the Gibson House and you could still ride your skateboard down to Fallout and buy some records. I’m not sure how continuously Boss Martians have remained active since forming in Seattle in 1995, but recently they announced that they’re rereleasing their song “Mars Is for Martians” on a new, limited-edition vinyl. Why should you remember or care about that track? Dude. They wrote and recorded it with Iggy Pop KELLY O

Sunday 12/29

Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band (Jazz Alley) See Monday.

Monday 12/30

Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band (Jazz Alley) Poncho Sanchez is a legendary conga

PONCHO SANCHEZ AND HIS LATIN JAZZ BAND

FRI, DEC 27 - TUE, DEC 31

NYE CELEBRATION 4 PACKAGE OPTIONS

Grammy-winning Master Conguero Poncho Sanchez and his legendary 7-piece firey Latin jazz band

KPLU 88.5FM PRESENTS

PEARL DJANGO with special guest BUCKY PIZZARELLI

THU, JAN 2 - SUN, JAN 5

Seattle-based gypsy jazz favorites with jazz guitar great!

TUCK AND PATTI

TUE, JAN 7 - WED, JAN 8

American jazz guitar and vocal duo, celebrating 35 years!

JEFF LORBER FUSION

Featuring BRIAN BROMBERG, PATRICK LAMB AND GARY NOVAK

THU, JAN 9 - SUN, JAN 12

Trailblazing Grammy-nominated keyboardist, composer and producer with his fusion band

MARK HUMMEL’S BLUES HARMONICA BLOWOUT FEATURING JOHN MAYALL, CURTIS SALGADO, RICK ESTRIN, LITTLE CHARLIE BATY AND MORE

TUE, JAN 14 - WED, JAN 15

A Tribute

player who’s been in the game for nigh on four decades, both in support of other groups and leading his own eponymous band. One of the tightest ensembles around, Poncho’s Latin Jazz Band play a refined yet effortless-seeming set, with the occasional stunning solo: Seriously, you have never seen a percussion instrument played the way Sanchez plays that conga. Given Seattleites’ need for brainvacations this time of year, this show cannot be recommended highly enough. Monday concludes their initial four-night stint at Jazz Alley; tomorrow the band plays an extra-special New Year’s Eve gig. KYLE FLECK

Tuesday 12/31

“The Rolling Stones,” Country Lips, Pony Time (Tractor) See Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Cock & Bull

(Re-bar) Produced and hosted by the guys behind the video extravaganza Collide-O-Scope, Cock & Bull is Re-bar’s “freaky fun party for queer dudes and their friends.” Historically, the crowd is a mix of stoner bears, gender warriors, and fun-loving lesbians, all of whom are refreshingly game to hit the dance floor. Tonight’s special NYE Cock & Bull will feature sets from celebrity “she-jays” Ro and Queen Mookie, the latter of whom has proclaimed, “It is my duty as a disco shaman to be an example of frivolity elevated to a spiritual level.” Bonus: entrancing video projections and Jell-O shots! DAVID SCHMADER

STRFKR

(Neumos) Portland’s Starfucker PYRAMID Pyramiddd STRFKR avoided becoming flash-in-the-pan indie stars and survived a brief name-change dispute by releasing solid, shimmering electro-pop albums Reptilians in 2011 and Miracle Mile earlier this year, cementing their status as heavyweights of the Greater Northwest’s music climate. That’s all fine and good on record, but in a live setting their synth/bass-heavy feel-good jams take on an even more party-friendly, everybody-get-down identity.

It’s not that surprising that their talents have been enlisted to rock back-to-back nights at one of Seattle’s most popular venues, one on New Year’s Eve eve and one on the real thing. There simply aren’t many other bands from the area better suited for providing a soundtrack to a mass of drunken revelers dancing their respective asses off than these guys. MIKE RAMOS

The Black Angels (Moore) The Black Angels’ music has always come off as something like psych-rock 101. While they have a solid discography in the Velvet Underground/13th Floor Elevators/Doors style, which has become a default mode for a lot of psych groups, the Black Angels never conjure the delirium and otherness that the greatest psych artists achieve. These Texans too closely adhere to psychedelia’s dog-eared manual rather than forging new pathways to aural transcendence. They may be (figuratively) tripping, but they’ve always got one hand on the reins. Don’t get me wrong: The Black Angels are a very good band, probably more enjoyable than 79 percent of the groups working today. But they could stand to fire all of their guns at once and explode into space once in a while.

DAVE SEGAL

Andre Nickatina, Cool Nutz, Neema, Ace Gamble

(Studio Seven) If ringing in the New Year clad in dress clothes and surrounded by velvet ropes isn’t really your thing, look no further than Sodo’s seedy Studio Seven—quickly becoming home to one of underground Seattle’s biggest New Year’s Eve traditions thanks to SF coke-rap veteran Andre Nickatina. Though Nicky T is 43 years old now and has been going hard since his 1993 Dre Dog debut, The New Jim Jones, he hasn’t slowed down nor sold out, and is still cranking out drugged-out, G’d-up, Bay Area mob-music bangers that in no way sound outdated. His latest self-titled album features fellow veterans (Mac Mall, Messy Marv, Richie Rich) and rising newcomers (100s, Problem), gangstermovie-worthy amounts of drugs, guns and women, and more G.O.A.T. food punch lines… FILLMOE.

MIKE RAMOS

THURSDAY

ReignCity & Dead Nation Present WAX

Dumbfoundead, EOM, Anderson Paak All Ages

BLACK BREATH Paralyzer, Old Skin, Countdown To Armageddon All Ages SATURDAY

RainCityAmbience.com Presents: RAIN CITY AMBIENCE HOLIDAY SHOW

Amsterdam, v=x, Canary, The GNU Deal, Rebel Alley All Ages

WEDNESDAY

The Crocodile, ReignCity & We Are LTD Present: NEW YEARS EVE: THE FLAVR BLUE X NIGHTMARE FORTRESS Kingdom Crumbs, DJ 100 Proof 21+ FRIDAY & SATURDAY

& 4 JANUARY The Crocodile & The Stranger Present: BIG ASS BOOMBOX All Ages -- FREE!

The Crocodile Presents: SURFER BLOOD @ THE SUNSET TAVERN The Wild Ones, Cock & Swan 21+

100.7 The Wolf & The Crocodile Present: AUSTIN JENCKES All Ages

SURFER BLOOD @ THE SUNSET 1/11 AUSTIN JENCKES 1/17 WOODEN SHJIPS 1/17 SURFER BLOOD @ THE SUNSET 1/18 ANTHONY B AND THE BORN FIRE BAND 1/21 CROOKS ON TAPE 1/22 MOON TAXI 1/24 PATTERSON HOOD 1/24 DJ QUIK 1/25 TRUE SPOKES & IAN MCFERON BAND 1/31 JOHNNY FLYNN 2/4 ONEOHTRIX POINT NEVER 2/7 ZION I 2/8 PASSAFIRE & BALLYHOO! 2/14 BOWIEVISION 2/15 SHEARWATER 2/15 MOTHER FALCON @ THE SUNSET 2/18 ANE BRUN 2/26 WILD FEATHERS 2/28 AER 3/1 CIBO MATTO 3/26 LOST IN THE TREES 4/6 DELTA RAE 5/3 WE ARE SCIENTISTS Friday Jan. 10th CALIFONE

SURPRISINGLY FUNKY IN PLACES

Jame$Ervin, DT,

Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher Meister

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, $5/$8

PONY Bloodlust: DJs Gin & Tonic SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

THURS 12/26

LIVE

ARABICA LOUNGE OAG Thang

CAN CAN Vince Mira CROCODILE Wax, Dumbfounded, EOM, Anderson Paak, 7 pm, $15

DARRELL’S TAVERN The 350’s DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free

a GUAYMAS CANTINA Oleaje Flamenco, 8 pm, free HIGH DIVE Chris Crayzie, Mr. Von, Tha Sav, Prano Tha Don, guests, $5/$7

LITTLE RED HEN Robbie Walden, $3

LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free

eral/$5 students/seniors

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Kaylee Cole, Casey MacGill, 5:30 pm, Free

THE WHITE RABBIT

Marmalade, $6 DJ

BALLROOM DJ Rob, free

BALTIC ROOM Revolution:

DonnaTella Howe, Olivia LaGarce, guests

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

HAVANA Sophisticated

Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Winter

Masquerave: Open House: Guests, Riot Ten

MERCURY Isolation: DJ Coldheart, $3

MOE BAR Saucy: DJ

Rad’em, DJ 100 Proof, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

OHANA Chill: DJ MS

SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Damn Son: DJ Flave, Sativa Sound System, Jameson Just, Tony Goods, $5 after 10:30 pm

THERAPY LOUNGE

DUH.: DJ Omar, guests

TRINITY Space Thursdays: Rise Over Run, DJ Christyle, Johnny Fever, DJ Nicon, Sean Majors, B Geezy, guests, free

NEUMOS Built To Spill, La Luz, 8 pm, $25

PARAMOUNT THEATRE Straight No Chaser, Caroline Glaser, 8 pm, $25.75-$55.75 PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm

SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow, 9:30 pm, free

THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Open Mic: Guests

STUDIO SEVEN Coop, Concrete, Raps Galore, Amgad, Deauna, guests, 7 pm

TRIPLE DOOR Tiger’s Wood

TULA’S Tatum Greenblatt Quintet, 7:30 pm, $15 gen-

THE WOODS Pure Thursdays: Omar Valadez, MMars, Chris T, 10 pm, free FRI 12/27

LIVE CAFE RACER DJ El Hefe

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

A Tribute to Jodeci: Zach Bruce, J. Charles, Blackksoul, Moe Cheekz, $10/$12

a CROCODILE Black Breath, Paralyzer, Old Skin,

MIKEY NO LIKEY!

This is Mikey. He plays guitar in a brand-new queercore punk band called Sashay. You should really go see Sashay at the ’Mo-Wave music festival this spring! Mikey also wants you to know that a warm bottle of Bud Lite Lime is really no good at all— even if it’s the very last

Countdown to Armageddon, 8 pm, $10

DARRELL’S TAVERN The Magic Matches, These Young Fools

HARD ROCK CAFE A Classic

Christmas: the Classic Crime, $14/$16

HIGH DIVE Suction, Local 808, Hellephant, $8

HIGHWAY 99 Karen Lovely, 8 pm, $15

JAZZ ALLEY Poncho

Sanchez Latin Jazz Band, 9:30 pm, $28.50

LITTLE RED HEN Marlin

James Band, $5

LUCID Exit 22, 9:30 pm

NECTAR The Motet, 8 pm, $12

NEUMOS Built To Spill, La Luz, 8 pm, $25

PARAGON Levi Said, free

RAVIOLI STATION

TRAINWRECK Dizzy, guests

a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free

SHOWBOX SODO John Dahlback, Darrius, FooFou, guests, 8 pm

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB the Feel Good Band of the Year, 10 pm

STUDIO SEVEN Gilby Clarke, Palooka, Comedy of Terrors, guests, 7 pm

TRACTOR TAVERN The Dusty 45s, Zoe Muth, the Swearengens, Miller & Sasser, $15

TRIPLE DOOR StrutButt

TULA’S Stephanie Porter Quartet, 7:30 pm, $15

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Yada Yada Blues

Band THE WHITE RABBIT The Flying Tortugas, Pink Octopus, Shades of Static, $6

DJ 95 SLIDE DJ Fever One

BALLROOM DJ Tamm of KISS fm

BALMAR Body Movin’

Fridays: DJ Ben Meadow, free

BALTIC ROOM Dirty Work: Rotating DJs including Sean Majors, BGeezy, Mikey Mars, Sir Kuts, guests

BARBOZA Just Got Paid: 100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm

CONTOUR Afterhours, 2 am

CUFF TGIF: C&W Dancing: DJ Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm, Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB Madness: Guests

MERCURY Exposure: Guests

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

OHANA Back to the Day: DJ Estylz

RE-BAR TRIBAL!: Rob Noble, Michael Manahan, Guest DJs, 10 pm, $10

SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh

Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ

Buttnaked, guests

THERAPY LOUNGE Rapture: Guests, $3 after 11 pm

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, DJ Nug, guests, $10

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs

SAT 12/28

LIVE

BALMAR Rotating DJ Night: Guests, 9:30 pm

BLUE MOON TAVERN You

Knew Me When, Stained by a Killer

CENTRAL SALOON Scott

MX Turner, Mandolin Hooper, Tyler Hamilton

DARRELL’S TAVERN Banzi Surf, Paul Benoit Trio, Rai Band

a EL CORAZON Monsters Scare You, We the Audience, Prestige, Showtime, guests, 6:30 pm, $10/$13

HARD ROCK CAFE Black Plastic Clouds, $10/$13

HIGH DIVE The Dynette Set, the 79ers, $8

HIGHLINE High Priest of Panic, $10

HIGHWAY 99 Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, 8 pm, $15

JAZZ ALLEY Poncho

Sanchez Latin Jazz Band, 9:30 pm, $28.50

LITTLE RED HEN Broken Trail, $5

LO-FI Bad Tats, Boss Martians, the Crap, Acapulco Lips, guests

LUCID Ayron Jones

NEPTUNE THEATRE

Reignwolf, Hobosexual, $20

NEUMOS Built To Spill, La Luz, 8 pm, $25

PARAGON Solbird, free THE ROYAL ROOM EntreMundos

SHIP CANAL GRILL Eugenie Jones, 8:30 pm SHOWBOX SODO Bingo

Players

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB Lavender Lucy, 11 pm STUDIO SEVEN Trek God and Nate Kahn, J Brown, Savvy, guests, SOVA, Ibex, Honora Hildreth, 7 pm

TRACTOR TAVERN The Dusty 45s, Redneck Girlfriend, Jane Rose and

the Dead End Boys, Bakelite 78, $15

TRIPLE DOOR Jelly Rollers

TULA’S Marc Seales Quartet, 7:30 pm, $15

a VERA PROJECT The Workday Release, Sleep Is for Sleepers, About the Author, 7:30 pm, $11/$10 with club card

VITO’S RESTAURANT &

LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm

THE WHITE RABBIT the Western Red Penguins, the Mystic Arrows, Basement Baby, $6

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Warren

BALTIC ROOM Good

Saturdays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Inferno: Guests, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after CHOP SUEY Talcum:

Gene Balk, Mike “Teal Pants” Nipper, Marc Muller, Mike Chrietzberg, Last 9 pm, $5

CONTOUR Europa Night:

Misha Grin, Gil

CUFF Bliss: DJ Harmonix

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

MERCURY Machineries of Joy: DJ Hana Solo

MOE BAR Panther Down: DJ N8, Anthony Diamond, free

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal

Darkness

OHANA Funk House: DJ

Bean One

PONY Stiffed: DJ Pavone

RE-BAR Cherry: Amateur Youth, Mathematix, 10 pm, $5/$7 after 11 pm

THE BEST O’ THAT THERE BIG GAY YEAR

It was the best of times, it was the even better best of times, and there were some pretty damn good times, too, if I do remember correctly. (Ooh, my poor beerbattered brain!) I do hate to see 2013 go tits up, it’s true. But “time” or whatever stubbornly insists on marching gaily forward, mostly regardless of what the hell I think about it, and SO! Here we are, faced once again with looking back on the fabulousity of the big gay year that was and ferreting out its finer moments. So let’s do it. (I’ll try hard not to make it too Jinkx Monsoon–y. Which will, of course, prove quite impossible, starting in 3… 2…) So, Jinkx Monsoon. The year began with the announcement that she was competing on RuPaul’s Drag Race season five, and 2013 only got Jinkxier from there. She set the theme and/or tone for our entire damn year, beginning on New Year’s Eve with a gala Nark event (naturally enough)—the Hey Tranny It’s Tranny vs. Party Schmarty NYE Bash. Then, of course, Jinkx went on to seriously kick some befrocked RPDR bootay, racing to a beautiful victory and dragging gay Seattle’s heart by the balls along with her. Then an extended off-Broadway run, a European tour, a new holiday show, a gayzillion performances, parties, and

events—in a general and most specific way, Jinkx was in a Best of Gay Seattle 2013 category all of her own.

For Best Singular or Recurring Club

Event Featuring Drunken Adrian and a Gallon of Tequila, we have a tie: It’s a Shit Show last August (another Nark event that blew my skirt right off), featuring that triumvirate of trash Vicky Vox Willam Belli, and Detox Icunt that was more fun than a barrel of butt plugs, tied with, well, most ANY of the Dickslaps at the Eagle, which brought us neat things like Colby Keller spanking booths and Jake Shears’s butt—but the specific winner is the one in May hosted by Dan Savage, because FREE SEX TOYS. Next! For Best Live Show with Gay Themes (and Tequila), another tie! Wendy Ho Fo Sho and her filthy-hilarious rap stylings back in October (a joy!), and the Lady Rizo last May with her New York grace and charm, both at the Triple Door Musicquarium.

And finally, our last and newest category: Best Drag Brunch! This hands down goes to Julia’s Queen of the Brunch with Isaac Scott and Kristie Champagne: an ever-changing pageant of talent, color, flair, and mimosas, as tequila with breakfast is tacky. (I can stop anytime I want!)

Now let’s see what this “2014” can do.

MARMALADE

TUES JAN 28TH @ THE VERA PROJECT INTO IT. OVER IT. THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE & I AM NO LONGER

2/20 PETER BRADLEY ADAMS @ HIGH DIVE, 4/1 LA DISPUTE @ EL CORAZON

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Guest

DJs

THERAPY LOUNGE Dance

Yourself Clean: Guests

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm

THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

CLASSICAL

BENAROYA HALL

Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony CHAPEL PERFORMANCE

SPACE Vanessa Skantze

SUN

12/29

LIVE

BLUE MOON TAVERN J.P. and the Geminis, 8 pm, free CAFE RACER The Racer

Sessions

CONOR BYRNE Open Mic: Guests, 8 pm

EL CORAZON Unhailoed, Dressed as Super Heroes, Drone Strike, Hellephant, 5 pm

HIGH DIVE Uh Oh Eskimo, Tim Fantastic And The Styrofoam Meat Trays, 8 pm, $6

JAI THAI BROADWAY Rock Bottom Soundsystem, free JAZZ ALLEY Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band, 7:30 pm, $28.50

KELLS Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Open Mic

Acoustic Jam with Bodacious Billy: Guests, 4 pm

NECTAR Jeff Crosby and the Refugees, Pepper Proud, 8 pm, $5

PIES & PINTS Sunday Night Folk Review: Guests, free THE ROYAL ROOM Sangster Family Band, 6 pm

SEAMONSTER Kareem Kandi

SHIP CANAL GRILL Jay Thomas, Sun, noon

TULA’S Fairly Honest Jazz Band, 3 pm, $5, Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm, $8

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm, the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs

CONTOUR Broken Grooves: DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free

THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM

Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs

LIVE AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Jerry Frank BLUE MOON TAVERN Andy Coe Band, 10 pm, free COASTAL KITCHEN Pork Chop Trio, 9:30 pm, free DARRELL’S TAVERN JP and the LP’s JAZZ ALLEY Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band, 7:30 pm, $28.50

PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa: DJ Nick THE STEPPING STONE PUB Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them CLASSICAL BENAROYA HALL Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony MON 12/30

BY DAVE SEGAL

textural wrinkles to the CR template and conjures a harsh, alienating, yet beautiful strain of experimental electronic music that’ll repel all the dudebros in earshot.

FEEL

THE DARKNESS: 2013’S BEST RELEASES

Electronic music spawned way more amazing releases this year than any newspaper could properly cover. Here be a mere handful of records that fired Data Breaker’s imagination. Most of ’em are fookin’ dark, reflecting the bleak times in which we’re dying.

Jon McMillion, “Painting Computer Pie” (Nuearth Kitchen). This track from Seattle producer McMillion’s Neon EP is not your older brother’s house music, but rather a paranoia-inducing, hallucinatory journey to the far side of surreality. Misty Conditions, D’Zzzz (Planet Mu). One of those rare WTF?! albums: This is trap music on the strongest LSD. Here’s hoping these dankly beautiful mutations become the future of popular music.

The Stranger, Watching Dead Empires in Decay (Modern Love). James Leyland Kirby leaves behind the ambient doldrums of his Caretaker project for a more technooriented effort. But these tracks aren’t pump-fisting anthems; rather, they’re the kind of anomic, postindustrial music you’d hear on Eraserhead’s soundtrack, if it were set in 21st-century clubland.

Airhead, “Pyramid Lake” (R&S). The strangest cut off London producer Airhead’s For Years album, “Pyramid Lake” couples James Blake–esque crooning with the stark, cubist funk of Japanese IDM maverick Bisk. Airhead—aka Rob McAndrews, who also plays guitar for Blake—runs his rhythms and textures through sonic fun-house mirrors, making a mockery of any attempts to dance to it… or discern logical sense to it.

The Haxan Cloak, Excavation (Tri Angle). Play this for your hardcore-gothloving friends and watch the color drain from their faces (oh, wait…). This Londonbased badass’s hauntological dub seethes and writhes with a chthonic beauty. Ain’t no smiling faces nowhere.

Huerco S., Colonial Patterns (Software). Huerco S. is one of the few American producers who sound like they could record for the paradigmatic German dub-techno label Chain Reaction. He actually adds new

Voigt & Voigt, Die Zauberhafte Welt Der Anderen (Kompakt). Germans Brüder Wolfgang and Reinhard Voigt join forces to create an instant minimal-techno classic. It’s a perfect combo of cerebral and physical, stoic moods swirling amid whimsical and strange textures.

Anton Zap, Water (Apollo). Russian knob-twiddler produces an aquatic techno-dub masterpiece on his debut full-length. Imagine a new age Porter Ricks—or if Laraaji recorded for Chain Reaction—but surprisingly funky in places. Water gives you chills for days.

Also essential: Ron Morelli Spit (Hospital Productions), NHK’Koyxen, Dance Classics Vol. III (Pan), Panabrite Xenon District (VCO), Food Pyramid, Ecstasy & Refreshment (Intercoastal Artists), Kiln, meadow:watt (Ghostly International), Holden, The Inheritors (Border Community), all three of Demdike Stare’s Testpressing 12-inches (Modern Love).

CAFE RACER Jacobs Posse

CONOR BYRNE Ol’ Time

Social: the Tallboys, 9 pm

DARRELL’S TAVERN Money

Jungle, Kled, TV’s Chris & Tad

a EL CORAZON Leftover

Crack, Skarp, Juicy Karkass, $15/$20

HEARTLAND CAFE &

BENBOW ROOM Open Mic: Guests, Jilly Rizzo, Tit Nun, 9:30 pm

HIGH DIVE Ever So Android, the West, Dead Ship Sailing, $10

HIGHWAY 99 Walking Papers, Mark Pickerel and His Praying Hands, 7 pm, $45

JAZZ ALLEY Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band, 9:30 pm, $64.50-$179.50

KELLS Liam Gallagher

MAC’S TRIANGLE PUB Open Mic: free

THE MIX Jazz Night: Don Mock, Steve Kim, Jacques Willis, 8 pm

MOORE THEATRE The Black Angels, $32.50

NECTAR Nitewave, DJ Indica Jones, 8 pm, $15

a NEPTUNE THEATRE Leftover Salmon, Fruition, 8:30 pm, $25/$50

NEUMOS STRFKR, 8 pm, $25

OUTWEST Wine and Jazz Night: Tutu Jazz Quartet, free OWL N’ THISTLE Jazz Improv Night: Guests

PARAGON Queen Anne Sessions: Guests, free PINK DOOR Michael Navedo, 8 pm

SEAMONSTER McTuff Trio, 10 pm, free

SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Super Diamond

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE

F-Holes, Guessing Game, Uncle Hickory, Darci Carlson STUDIO SEVEN Andre Nickatina, Cool Nutz, Neema, Ace Gamble, 8 pm

SUNSET TAVERN Star Anna, Shane Tutmarc, 9:30 pm, $10

TIM’S TAVERN Open Mic: Linda Lee, 8 pm

TRACTOR TAVERN “The Rolling Stones”, Country Lips, Pony Time, $20

TULA’S New Year’s Eve Concert: Greta Matassa Quartet, 8 pm, $40

VITO’S RESTAURANT &

LOUNGE The Tim Kennedy Trio, Richie Aldente

Is every poster designer in Seattle hibernating for the winter?

(If so, I envy you all.) Breaking with tradition, this week’s poster isn’t for a show, but it is by one of my favorite local designers, Mike Klay at Powerslide Design Co. By the way, if you’re into snowy things (personally, I prefer warm sand between my toes, but I digress), you can buy this lovely two-color metallic silver print right now at powerslidedesign.com. AARON HUFFMAN

DJ 95 SLIDE Chicken & Waffles: Supreme La Rock, DJ Rev, free

BALTIC ROOM Drum & Bass Tuesdays: Guests

BLUE MOON TAVERN Blue Moon Vinyl Revival Tuesdays: DJ Country Mike, A.D.M., guests, 8 pm, free

THE EAGLE Pitstop: DJ Nark HAVANA Word Is Bond: Hoot and Howl, $3 after 11 pm LO-FI Stop Biting: Introcut, guests, $5

MERCURY Die: Black Maru, Major Tom, $5 MOE BAR Cool.: DJ Cory Alfano, DJ Cody Votolato, free

BY BRITTNIE FULLER

UNDERAGE’S BEST EVER TOP EIGHT FAVORITE LOCAL RELEASES OF 2013

Black Hat: Covalence EP (Field Hymns) I’ve called Nelson Bean’s distinctive industrial electronic music “primordially ambient IDM” and a “locust cloud of noise.” He might be responsible for my favorite local releases for two consecutive years, with this oddly shape-shifting, futuristic gem, and with 2012’s excellent Spectral Disorder EP. Best track ever: “Jaune.”

Dreamdecay:

N V N V N V (Iron Lung) Rarely do the words “powerviolence shoegaze” accurately describe a band, but they partially do for this four-piece’s disembowelingly heavy, noise-rock full-length. Best track ever: “NVUN.”

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Vicious Dolls: DJ Rachael, 9 pm, $5 OHANA DJ Marc Sense WILDROSE Taco Tuesday: Guest DJs

CLASSICAL

BENAROYA HALL New Year’s Eve Concert: Seattle Symphony

lushly atmospheric. Best track ever: “V.”

Postmadonna: Postmadonna (Tetra) Like an Eastside-based Tera Melos, this technically berserk prog/math-rock group gets its fans nearly dog-piling with rabid enthusiasm for rapidly changing time signatures and pop-punk sing-alongs at their live shows. Wa-UH-wa-hoooo! Best track ever: “Cathy.”

Wimps: Repeat (End of Time) Sassy garage punk that doesn’t make me wanna barf (rare for the “garage” prefix); highly relatable themes include sleeping in, UFOs, and being tired of your shitty job. An irrepressibly fun garbage-can romp! Play this one over and over again. Best track ever: “Nap.”

Heavy Petting: I-V (self-released) Instrumental post-rock trio Heavy Petting’s emo-tinged, soft-to-loud anticlimaxes are oftentimes dreamy, occasionally optimistic, and, at their best, passionate and

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 28 | 7:30 PM

THE WORKDAY RELEASE, SLEEP FOR SLEEPERS, ABOUT THE AUTHOR $11/$10 (W. CLUB CARD)

FRIDAY JANUARY 10 | 7:00 PM GIRLS THAT SHRED: A BENEFIT FOR SKATE LIKE A GIRL CHASTITY BELT, TACOCAT, ATOMIC BRIDE, SUMMER BABES, LURES $10 ADV

FRIDAY JANUARY 17 | 7:30 PM SPEED OF SOUND IN SEAWATER, POST MADONNA $7

SATURDAY JANUARY 18 | 6 PM, 8:30 PM SUNDAY JAN 19 | 1PM, 3:30 PM, 6 PM REAL ESCAPE GAME: ESCAPE FROM WEREWOLF VILLAGE $18-$22

TUESDAY JANUARY 28 | 7:30 PM INTO IT. OVER IT., THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE AND I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO DIE, A GREAT BIG PILE OF LEAVES, SPECIAL EXPLOSION $10

ALWAYS ALL AGES

Health Problems: Counterproductive EP (Hanged Man) Besides being producers of perhaps the city’s most feral, explosive punk shows, the young noiserock/anti-punk trio teamed up with Olympia production wizard Captain Trips Ballsington for two EPs in 2013. I’m proud-parent excited for the future of this band. Best track ever: “Mundane.”

The Exquisites: The Exquisites (Asian Man) Local punk organizer Jason Clackley fronts this emotionally candid, deceptively pop-sounding project, but his crafty guitar songs are not-so-secretly sad when you listen more closely. Best track ever: “Selfish Feelings.”

Cock & Swan: Secret Angles (Hush Hush) The third LP from this West Seattle duo is prime ambrosial dream pop, possessing a totally sexable electronic-pop ambience with candlelit psych flourishes bubbling over subtly tempered vibes. Best track ever: “Inner Portal.”

Georgetown Liquor Company

With live music till midnight from Frustration, Babylon, and Murder in the Wood, followed by a late-night dance party of ’80s new wave and punk. Georgetown Liquor Company, 5501 Airport Way S, georgetownliquorcompany.com, 9 pm, free.

Q Nightclub: All Gold Everything

It’s the biggest night of the year, and Q is closing it down with an unbelievable party featuring Fred Falke with Sean Majors, Dr. Fever, and Bgeezy. Q Nightclub, 1426 Broadway, qnightclub.com, 9 pm, $35.

NYE Grand Buffet

Including, but not limited to, the following items: cured beef tongue, braised pig’s head, honey-roasted golden pheasant, and braided bread. Also includes a glass of sparkling wine. Altstadt, 209 First Ave S, altstadtseattle.com, 8 pm, $75.

NYE at King’s Hardware

Promising as many champagne bottles as a rap star’s birthday, and “booty-shakin’” jams provided by DJ Blazon Stone. King’s Hardware, 5225 Ballard Ave NW, kingsballard.com, 9 pm, no cover.

Tacocat at Linda’s Champagne, dancing, a “Ryan Seacrest–free” countdown to midnight, and a musical performance from Tacocat! Linda’s Tavern, 707 E Pine St, lindastavern. com, 9 pm, no cover.

Monsoon + Ba Bar

A four-course prix fixe dinner, with optional wine pairing. Reservations required. Monsoon, 615 19th Ave E, 328-2030, monsoonrestaurants.com; Ba Bar 550 12th Ave, babarseattle.com; $57–$70.

Fenix New Year’s 2014

The grand reopening of Seattle’s legendary live music venue, featuring performances from Hell’s Belles, DJ Kryspin, Seattle Aerialists, and more. Fenix, 124 S Washington St, fenixseattle.com, $25–$60.

Hogmanay at Macleod’s

For Scots, Hogmanay literally means New Year’s Eve, but in this and many situations, it also means BAGPIPES! And plenty of Scotch. MacLeod’s, 5200 Ballard Ave NW, macleodsballard.com, 4 pm.

New Year’s Eve at the Swedish Club

Gott nytt år! Dancing, great views, and they promise to play a lot of ABBA. Swedish Club, 1920 Dexter Ave N, swedishclubnw.org, 8 pm, $25 adv/$30 DOS.

The Old Pequliar New Year’s Eve Bash

A man who gave only the name “DJ Phatti LaBelle” has given assurance that he will provide both madness and mayhem. The Old Pequliar, 1722 NW Market St, 782-8886, 9 pm, no cover.

The Pike Old Bawdy New Year

This celebration debuts the 2013 Old Bawdy Barley Wine, with a midnight toast, a prix-fixe dinner, beer pairings, and music from the Darian Asplund Trio. The Pike Pub, 1415 First Ave, 622-6044, 8 pm, $45.

New Year’s Eve at High Dive

With performances from Ever So Android, the West, and Dead Ship Sailing. High Dive, 513 N 36th Ave, 6320212, highdiveseattle.com, 9:30 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS.

Crush New Year’s Eve

A tasting menu dinner from chef Jason Wilson with courses such as Upper Dry Creek lamb saddle, ahi tuna tartar, and spiced roots. Crush, 2319 E Madison St, 3027874, chefjasonwilson.com, 8 pm, $125.

New Year’s Eve at 13 Coins

Music from Shaggy Sweet. 13 Coins Restaurant, 125 Boren Ave, 682-2513, 13coins.com, 9:30 pm, free.

Diego’s Alter Ego Party

A masquerade and “alter ego” themed party, with music from DJ Fresh1. All ticket levels include a hosted bar, comfort food, and champagne toast at midnight. Lucid, 5241 University Way, lucidseattle.com, $50–$300, 9:30 pm.

New Years Eve Bash!

Tues Dec 31st

Burlesque by Morgue Anne and friends

Stand-up Comedy hosted by Evan Bowen

Circus Sideshow stunts by JK Forty X Seven

Featuring Live music by Blac Beast evival

Butter ies of Death, The Ladykillers

$10 cover, includes champagne toast at midnight

Live music TuesdaySunday and $3.50 Micro Beer & Movie Mondays

PARTY WITH US ON NEW YEAR ’S EVE

NO COVER!!

OPEN @ 8 AM NEW YEARS DAY YEARS FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, & DINNER... AND FOOTBALL IN HD. 206-547-1417 • 460 North 36th Street, In the heart of Fremont

NEW YEAR’S EVE

NYE at Tommy Gun

$3.50 drafts and $3.50 wells plus $5 Happy Red and Happy White from 6–7 p.m.; $5 flutes of bubbly all evening; full menu available. Large parties happily accommodated, though advance reservations are appreciated (e-mail: info@tommygunseattle.com). Tommy Gun, 1703 E Olive Way, tommygunseattle.com, 6 pm.

NYE at the BottleNeck Lounge

It’s Ten Buck Bottle Night! Every Tuesday, the BottleNeck features both a red and white bottle of wine for just $10 from open to close—and they see no reason to interrupt this tradition for New Year’s Eve! Stay in the hood with your friends and neighbors. The BottleNeck Lounge, 2328 E Madison St, bottlenecklounge.com, 6 pm, no cover.

Seattle Symphony’s Concert

Ludovic Morlot conducts a program that features the Star Wars Suite, Ellington’s arrangements of The Nutcracker, Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue. Lobby party to follow. Benaroya Hall 200 University St, seattlesymphony.org, 9 pm, $96–$153.

Lick! NYE Party!

A special New Year’s Eve edition of Lick! Hosted by BenDeLaCreme. Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, 3248005, chopsuey.com, 8 pm, $5.

NYE at Tim’s Tavern

Burlesque, comedy, and performances from Black Beast Revival, Butterflies of Death, and the Ladykillers. Champagne toast, light snacks, and party favors included! Tim’s Tavern 602 N 105th St, timstavernseattle. com, 9 pm, $10.

Super Diamond

And by “Diamond,” we mean “Neil Diamond,” because it’s all tribute all night. Showbox at the Market, 1426 First Ave, showboxonline.com, 8 pm, $35.

New Year’s Eve: The Flavr Blue X Nightmare Fortress

Featuring Kingdom Crumbs and DJ Proof. Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, thecrocodile.com, 9 pm, $15.

STRFKR

cluding Above & Beyond and Knife Party. Two rooms of dancing, with other surprises promised. WaMu Theater, 800 Occidental Ave S, uscevents.com/events/resolution-2014, 8:30 pm–3:30 am, $111.25–$322.45, 18+.

Havana New Year’s Eve Gala

With music from DJs Hyro and Megatran and a champagne toast at midnight. VIP entry is available—skip the line! Havana, 1010 E Pike St, strangertickets.com, $30.

Salmon-chanted New Year’s Eve Party

Watch the Space Needle fireworks, dance, and enjoy a dinner buffet, party favors, drinks, and a complimentary champagne toast. Reservations are required. Ivar’s Salmon House, 401 NE Northlake Way, 632-0767, ivarsnewyears.brownpapertickets.com, 9 pm, $75.

Jet City Improv’s New Year’s Eve Extravaganza

Live improvised comedy, a champagne toast, dance party at midnight, a projection of the Space Needle fireworks, hors d’oeuvres, dessert, a no-host bar, and more. Jet City Improv, 5510 University Way NE, 352-8291, jetcityimprov.com, $55/$90 per couple, 8 pm, all ages.

Teatro ZinZanni’s New Year’s Eve Celebration

See Teatro ZinZanni’s Hail Caesar! Forbidden Oasis, with a special multicourse New Year’s Eve menu. There will be a dessert buffet, along with dancing, a champagne toast, and watching of the Space Needle fireworks. Teatro ZinZanni, 222 Mercer St, 802-0015, dreams.zinzanni.org, $178-$188 6:30 pm.

88 Keys New Year’s Eve Party

With a dueling piano show, and food and drink specials. Advanced ticketing required to receive listed rate. 88 Keys, 315 Second Ave S, 839-1300, ilove88keys.com, $15/$25 per couple, 5 pm.

Pronounced STARFUCKER, I’m pretty sure. And what better night to engage in intercourse with heavenly bodies? Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $25.

Indulgence at EMP

A 3,000 person party with more than four areas of live entertainment, including performances from Brand X, ’80s Invasion, and more. There will also be a comedy stage, VIP areas, party favors, a photo booth, and a view of the Space Needle fireworks. EMP, 330 Sixth Ave N, 262-3245, empsfm.org, 8 pm, $69–$350.

Baby Ketten Karaoke Prom Party

A “flattering” sound system and the promise of songs that you “actually want to sing but can’t find anywhere.” Skylark Cafe, 3803 Delridge Way SW, skylarkcafe.com, 8 pm, free.

Inferno Masquerade Ball

This event is “exclusively for women and our trans community,” and features Latina lesbian comedian Sandra Valls, plenty of hors d’oeuvres, burlesque, a drag king, and dancing with DJ Lady Jane. Renaissance Seattle Hotel, 515 Madison St, 583-0300, 8 pm, $25–$55.

Heavy Metal New Year’s

With performances from Maiden Seattle (Iron Maiden tribute) and Rising (Ronnie James Dio tribute). The Mix, 6006 12th Ave S, themixseattle.com, 9 pm, $10.

Boudoir NYE at Foundation

Featuring Natalie Kills, DJ Benzi, and a surprise guest headliner, with burlesque performers and a Parisianthemed backdrop throughout the club. Foundation, 2218 Western Ave, 535-7285, foundation-nightclub. com, $9–$49.

New Year’s Eve at Darrell’s Tavern Music from Money Jungle, KLED, and others. Darrell’s Tavern, 18041 Aurora Ave N, darrellstavern.com, 9 pm.

New Year’s Eve at Dragonfish

Reservations are recommended for Dragonfish’s all-youcan-eat New Year’s Eve stomach-stuffing session. Dragonfish, 722 Pine St, dragonfishcafe.com, noon, $28.

Resolution 2014

With more than 15 different DJs and performers, in-

ChiChi! A New Year’s Celebration

The Can Can Castaways beckon in the New Year with Fosse-inspired dance routines and a Roaring ’20s theme. Featuring Jonny Boy, Rainbow, Benihana, Tory Tiara, and others! Can Can, 94 Pike St, 652-0832, $35–$100, 7 pm.

New Year’s Eve at Bar Ferd’nand Champagne toast and oysters. With music from DJ Wes. Bar Ferd’nand, 1531 Melrose Ave, strangertickets. com, 10 pm, $10.

Abney Park’s Circus at the End of the World

Steampunky musical extravaganza. Columbia City Theater, 4916 Rainier Ave S, 409-9019, columbiacitytheater.com, 8 pm, $30 adv/$35 DOS.

NYE Dance Party with Emerald City Soul Club and DUG

Soul and funk at one of the funnest spots in town. LoFi, 429 Eastlake Ave E, thelofi.net, 9 pm, $15.

Artist Home New Year’s Eve Party

Live music from local bands. Conor Byrne, 5140 Ballard Ave NW, conorbyrnepub.com, 784-3640, 9 pm, $12.

New Year’s Eve at Bastille

“Let the champagne flow like a rushing river” is the motto for this evening of champagne tasting. Bastille Cafe & Bar, 5307 Ballard Ave NW, 453-5014, bastilleseattle.com, $14–$29.

New Year’s Eve at Stoneburner

Further champagne and wine tasting. 5214 Ballard Ave NW, 695-2051, $14–$29.

Contour New Year’s Eve 2014

With music from Splatinum, WD4D, Makedon, and more! The promotional information for this party claims it will continue until 8 a.m.! Wow! Contour, 807 First Ave, clubcontour.com, 8 pm, $25.

Trinity New Year’s Eve

Three rooms of music, champagne, party favors, noisemakers, dramatic video countdown at midnight, and more! Trinity, 111 Yesler Way, 447-4140, trinitynightclub.com, 8 pm, $30 adv/$50 DOS.

NYE at See Sound Lounge Two rooms of music, a balloon drop, red-carpet photos, and more. See Sound Lounge, 115 Blanchard St, 374-3733, seesoundlounge.com.

NEW YEAR’S EVE

Slim’s Family New Year’s

With performances by F-Holes, the Guessing Game, Dead Man, and Dolly Rottens. Slim’s Last Chance Chili Shack and Watering Hole, 5606 First Ave S, 762-7900, 9 pm.

NYE at the Hideout

DJs Absolute Madman and Ear Dr. Umz will be spinning vinyl all night, and there’s a complimentary champagne toast at midnight. The Hideout, 1005 Boren Ave, hideoutseattle.com.

Colorize/Stylize Your New Year

Two different party rooms, with separate tickets, DJs, and optional seven-course dinner packages in each. Century Ballroom, 915 E Pine St, second floor, 3247263, 9:30 pm, $30–$100.

“The Rolling Stones”

Ring in 2014 with a Rolling Stones cover band at this Stranger Suggests suggested event! Tractor Tavern, 5213 Ballard Ave NW, 789-3599, tractortavern.com, 9 pm, $20.

Cock and Bull NYE

“Door Prizes! Queer Shenanigans! Mostly-Nude Men!” And there will also be champagne, Jell-O, and a midnight balloon drop. Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, 233-9873, 10 pm, $10.

New Year’s Eve Party at Little Red Hen

With a performance from Knut Bell & the Blue Collars. Glass o’ champers included. Little Red Hen, 7115 Woodlawn Ave NE, 522-1168, $10.

The 8th Annual Hayride to Hell NYE Party

With Walking Papers and Mark Pickerel & His Praying Hands Band. Highway 99, 1414 Alaskan Way, 382-2171, highwayninetynine.com, 7 pm, $45.

NYE Suburban Relapse Pony’s monthly overdose of “punk, nowave, mutant-disco, riot grrrl anthems, underground electro & whatever else” with DJs K-Kost and Mr. Sister. Pony, 1221 E Madison St, 324-2854, ponyseattle.com.

Two Bars, One Cover

Tini Bigs and Hula Hula are cohosting a NYE party with cocktail specials, karaoke, and guest DJs. Karaoke starts at 8 p.m. at Hula Hula, dancing starts at 9 p.m. at Tini Bigs, and there’s an interior door between the two bars so you can take your drinks back and forth. With a view of the Space Needle fireworks, too! Tini Bigs and Hula Hula, 100 Denny Way, 284-0931, tinibigs.com, $10 for the first 200 tickets, VIP seating available.

Andre Nickatina at Studio Seven

With music from Cool Nutz, Young Fast, Ace Gamble, Neema w/DJ Gerze, and Coop. Studio Seven, 110 S Horton St, 286-1312, studioseven.us, 8 pm, $40.

New Year’s Eve at Jazz Alley

With Poncho Sanchez Latin Jazz Band. Four different music/dinner/dessert packages are available. Jazz Alley, 2033 Sixth Ave, 441-9729, jazzalley.com, $64.50–$179.50.

Star Anna featuring Shane Tutmarc

And oh, by the way, in case you were wondering if there’s going to be a special guest: Yes, there will. Sunset Tavern, 5433 Ballard Ave NW, 784-4880, 9:30 pm, $12.

Party Like It’s 1939

Ring in the New Year with dinner and drinks at the Royal Room, with live big-band jazz from the 1930s–50s. Reservations are accepted for dinner. The Royal Room, 5000 Rainier Ave S, theroyalroomseattle.com, 8 pm, no cover.

Central Saloon’s New Year’s Eve Party

A Neon New Year’s Eve Dance to the new wave music of the ’80s and ’90s as spun by DJ Indica Jones. And if you’re one of those people who just flips for a midnight balloon drop, look no further. Nectar, 412 N 36th St, 632-2020, nectarlounge.com, 8 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS.

The Seventh Annual Black and White Ball

Desserts, appetizers, and a mini champagne bottle for every guest. Table reservations are available. Ballroom, 456 N 36th St, 634-2575, 8 pm, $25.

Celebrate at Targy’s

With drink specials and DJ action, and in all likelihood some sort of champagne toast. Targy’s, 600 W Crockett St, targys.com.

New Year’s Eve with Storm Large Storm Large is described as a “libidinous singer” known for “slinging inappropriate banter at audiences.” Ticket includes a credit toward dinner/dessert and drinks. The Triple Door, 216 Union St, 838-4333, tripledoor.com, 7 and 10:30 pm, $100 for 7 pm show/$70 for 10:30 pm show.

New Year’s Eve Dinner Cruise

Ring in 2013 on an Argosy Cruise, with dinner, views of the fireworks, a champagne toast, and live music from Dina Blade and the Greg Glassman Trio. Argosy Cruises at Pier 55, 1101 Alaskan Way, 623-1445, 7:30 pm, $139, 21+.

New Year’s Eve Fireworks Viewing and DJ on the Spirit of Seattle Dance party on a boat! With a midnight toast, a nohost bar, and heck, they’ll even throw in a countdown to midnight! Argosy Cruises at Pier 55, 1101 Alaskan Way, 623-1445, 10:00 pm, $86.51, 21+.

New Year’s Eve Fireworks Viewing and DJ on the Goodtime II

This event is exactly the same as the previous one, but the boat departs 45 minutes later, returns 15 minutes later, and they knock off 10 bucks. Argosy Cruises at Pier 55, 1101 Alaskan Way, 623-1445, 10:45 pm, $76.65, 21+.

With live music from the Tyranny Theory, a champagne toast, and drink specials all night. Central Saloon, 207 First Ave S, 622-0209, centralsaloon.com, 9 pm.

El Corazón New Year’s Eve

With live music from Leftover Crack, Skarp, Juicy Karkass, Vile Display of Humanity, and special guests. El Corazón, 109 Eastlake Ave E, elcorazonseattle.com, 9 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS, all ages.

New Year’s Eve at Serafina

A special five-course dinner and live music from Sue Nixon and John Sanders. Reservations recommended. Serafina, 2043 Eastlake Ave E, 323-0807, serafinaseattle.com/serafina, $85.

New Year’s Eve at Cicchetti

A special five-course menu, a “Gatsby-inspired” theme, and serviceable views of the Space Needle from their upstairs mezzanine. Cicchetti, 121 E Boston St, 859-4155, serafinaseattle.com/cicchetti, $75.

Smith Tower’s Grand New Year’s Eve

Choose between dinner, drinks, and dancing or just drinks and dancing at this party, hosted by Shawn O’Donnell’s in the Chinese Room of Seattle’s historic Smith Tower. Smith Tower, 506 Second Ave, 602-6380, 7 pm dinner/10 pm party, $125 dinner/$75 party. Tickets available at brownpapertickets.com.

New Year’s Eve at Ethan Stowell’s Restaurants

All six of Ethan Stowell’s restaurants—Rione XIII, Staple & Fancy Mercantile, Anchovies & Olives, How to Cook a Wolf, Mkt, and Tavolàta—will be offering special New Year’s Eve menus. Reservations are recommended. Visit ethanstowellrestaurants.com for menus and complete info, $75–$80.

Shine: Zenyu New Year’s Ceremony & Celebration

A healing ceremony, a fashion show, libations, and a performance by Orbe Orbe and the Nature. There will also be a DJ, dancing, and a “glitter booth.” Hiawatha Lofts, 843 Hiawatha Pl S, zenyuhealing.org, 8 pm, $10–$20.

Ring in the New Year Underground

For New Year’s Eve, the Underground Tour is hosting an adults-only tour of the “lust-filled” old red-light district of Seattle’s underground. After the tour, head to Doc Maynard’s Public House for a champagne toast. Tours are every hour, 7–10 p.m. Seattle Underground Tour, 608 First Ave, 682-4646, undergroundtour.com, $25.

side at the Parlor in Bellevue. To reserve a deluxe VIP booth featuring dedicated service, call 425-289-7000.

Ultralounge at Parlor Live, 700 Bellevue Way NE, parlorlive.com, 6 pm, $25

NYE Bash at Fuel

Live music all night with Platinum Spandex, plus a champagne toast at midnight and free appetizers!

Purchase tickets before December 31 and receive a raffle ticket entering you into a drawing for a Seahawks playoff game ticket. Fuel, 164 S Washington St, fuelseattle.com, 10 pm, $20

5th Annual NYE Comedy Classic

Owen Benjamin from the hit show Sullivan & Son, Melissa Villasenor from America’s Got Talent, Adam Ray from the Blockbuster The Heat, Gary Cannon from DWTS, and more! Tickets include all the offerings of the Parlor’s NYE 2014 Party in the Ultralounge Nightclub! Parlor Live, 700 Bellevue Way NE, parlorlive.com, 7:30 & 10 pm, $50

Eat the Whole Menu at Blind Pig

Chef Charles Walpole is serving the whole menu (8–10 courses) for $65. Portions will be scaled down for parties of two. Reservations accepted, service begins at 5 p.m. Blind Pig Bistro, 2238 Eastlake Ave E, 329-2744, blindpigbistro.com, $65.

The Groove Surfers

It’s a New Year’s Eve party with all the great oldies that you know, love, and can’t live without, played by the Groove Surfers. Club Hollywood Casino, 16716 Aurora Ave N, Shoreline, thegroovesurfers.com, 9 pm, $15.

New Year’s Eve with the Satori Group

The Satori Group—a newish, boundary-pushing theater collective—kicks in the New Year and celebrates its first year at Inscape Arts with live music, DJs, and cheap drinks. Inscape Arts Building, 815 Seattle Blvd S, satorigroup.com, 8 pm, $10 adv/$15 DOS.

Into the Future! Marmalade & Surrealized NYE

Come space freak-a-noids & Afronauts! Into the future with Marmalade’s last show ever at the White Rabbit. Get ready for a rated “R” party that’s a mix between Close Encounters of the Weird Kind 2001: A Space Odyssey, and a freaky discotheque 5,000 years in the future. White Rabbit, 513 N 36th St #E, fremontwhiterabbit.com, 9 pm, $15

New Year’s Eve at Tula’s

New Year’s Eve at Volunteer Park Cafe

A five-courser—scallop ceviche, seared duck breast salad, butter-poached cod, fillet of beef, chocolate hazelnut torte. 1501 17th Ave E, alwaysfreshgoodness. com, 7 pm, $95/$120 with wine pairing.

The Garage NYE

Bowling, billiards, and more, including a live DJ! Garage, 1130 Broadway, garagebilliards.com, 7 pm.

The Slammin’ Jammin’ New Year’s Celebration

Head down to Southcenter for the soul and R&B sounds of DJ Robin Summerrise. Doubletree Suites, 16500 Southcenter Pkwy, ajente.com/nye, $45–$299.

Barboza NYE

Featuring Swervewon and Pickster One. Barboza, 925 E Pike St, thebarboza.com, 9 pm, $10–$20

Spectra 2014: New Year’s Under the Arches

Set your New Year’s Eve ablaze with a spectrum of festivities, live entertainment, mixology, and an unmatched view of the Space Needle fireworks. Pacific Science Center, 200 Second Ave N, pacificsciencecenter. org, 8:30 pm, $100 and up, 21+.

NYE with the Black Angels

STG presents the Black Angels with special guests La Luz. Moore Theatre, 1932 Second Ave, stgpresents. org, 9 pm, $32.50

Evita

STG presents the return of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Tony Award–winning musical. Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, stgpresents.org, 7:30 pm, $25–$75.

Leftover Salmon feat. Bill Payne

STG presents Leftover Salmon featuring Bill Payne (of Little Feat). Neptune Theatre, 1303 NE 45th St, stgpresents.org, 8:30 pm, $48.50–$78.50

NYE with Sean Kent

Spend NYE with critically acclaimed standup comic and winner of the prestigious San Francisco and Seattle International Comedy Competitions, Sean Kent. Comedy Underground, 109 S Washington St, comedyunderground.com, 8 pm, $25–$30.

With live music from Greta Matassa. Tula’s, 2214 Second Ave, 443-4221, tulas.com, 8 pm, $40.

Big Party at Big Time

Great beer, champagne toast, and free party favors. Big Time Brewery, 4133 University Way NE, bigtimebrewery.com, no cover.

Celebrate at Tango

Along with the regular menu, Tango will offer a special four-course dinner that includes bacon-wrapped dates, grilled beef tenderloin, pan-roasted scallops, and more. Served with a glass of sparkling Spanish cava. Seating begins at 4:30 p.m. Tango Restaurant, 1100 Pike St, 583-0382, tangorestaurant.com, $65.

Fadó’s Masquerade Ball

A prix-fixe dinner at 5:30 p.m., then music starts at 8 p.m. for dancing. Tickets include a champagne toast and party favors. Fadó Irish Pub, 801 First Ave, 2642700, fadoirishpub.com, $39.95 dinner/$10 party.

Glitter & Gold New Year’s Eve

A Bollywood-style NYE party, presented by BollyGrooves, with music from DJ Aanshul and DJ Elad. Hard Rock Cafe, 116 Pike St, 204-2233, hardrock.com, 9:15 pm, $25–$50.

New Year’s Eve Celebration at Vito’s Reservations are recommended, black-and-white attire is encouraged, a champagne dance party will take place. With performances from the Kennedy Trio, Richard Sclafani, Pete Cicero, and Richie Aldente. Vito’s, 927 Ninth Ave, 397-4053, vitosseattle.com, 6 pm.

New Year’s Eve at Neighbours

Hosted by Aleksa Manila, with music from DJ Randy Schlager. Party favors, party hats, and most importantly, party champagnes! Neighbours, 1509 Broadway, 324-5358, neighboursnightclub.com, 9 pm, $10, 18+ after 2 am.

Moisture Festival NYE Extravaganza Varieté performance, laughter, and appreciation of the good times are the themes of this grand NYE Extravaganza—a party like none other! Hale’s Palladium, 4301 Leary Way NW, moisturefestival.com, 7:30 pm, $40 (youth)/$75 (adult).

NYE at 5 Point Cafe

Free midnight champagne toast and drink specials, heated patio, free noisemakers/party hats, and a view of the Space Needle fireworks from the patio and the men’s room periscope! 5 Point Cafe, 415 Cedar St, the5pointcafe.com, no cover.

The Lookout

Space Needle view! DJ sets by DJ Paycheck and Edis Le Brokk, and a champagne toast at midnight. The Lookout, 757 Bellevue Ave E, facebook.com/lookoutseattle, $5.

Lost Pelican

Traditional Southern New Year’s Eve dinner of grilled pork belly, black-eyed peas, and cabbage for $12, along with their full menu. Domaine Chandon $8 per glass. Lost Pelican, 2400 First Ave, thelostpelican.com, 3 pm–2 am, no cover.

Norm’s Eatery & Ale House

Great beer, food, and friends! Norm’s, 460 N 36th St, no cover.

Saint John’s Trashy & Classy Tailgate Cotillion

It’s “a glitzy junkyard BBQ with live DJs” (also: a Boozy Brunch on January 1). Saint John’s Bar & Eatery, 719 E Pike St, saintjohnsseattle.com,

FILM

“Here’s to tossing dwarves and blowing coke up hookers’ buttholes!”

Film Review Revue

Starring Martin Scorsese, Nelson Mandela, and Spike Jonze

The Wolf of Wall Street dir. Martin Scorsese

Every once in a while, there’s a perfect sequence of film. The part with the plane in North by Northwest. The accidental gunshot in Pulp Fiction. The Raiders of the Lost Ark truck chase. 2001’s zero-g workout scene. The beginning of Up Blade Runner’s tears in the rain. Buster Keaton. The POV tour of the bar in Scorsese’s Goodfellas. And now there’s another from Scorsese: It’s in The Wolf of Wall Street, and the only thing I’m going to say about it is that it will hereby be known as “The Quaalude Scene.”

The Quaalude Scene is excellent, and what makes it even better is that it fits into a movie full of many other excellent sequences. A good number of these sequences also involve quaaldues—or cocaine, or booze, or hookers, or Lamborghinis, or the worthless stocks that are sold, over and over again, by the cokesnorting, booze-sucking, prostitute-fucking, Lamborghini driving, douchebag stockbroker Jordan Belfort. Belfort—upon whose self-aggrandizing and possibly mostly true memoir The Wolf of Wall Street is based—is played by Leonardo DiCaprio, oozing charisma and entitlement. Belfort—who first ripped off average schmucks, then moved up the food chain to prey on the 1 percent—downs a pharmacy every morning before leaving the mansion. Once he’s at the office, he gives his employees window-shaking pep talks, basking in their cheers as he lords over them from his stage in his boiler room, a place that’s “equal parts cocaine, testosterone, and bodily fluids.”

and even better than he was in Moneyball), Belfort sells an illusion of wealth—and when he’s on top, he hands out prostitutes and little people to his employees (the prostitutes are shared, the little people strap on helmets before getting thrown at a bull’s-eye), shows off his trophy wife (an unexpectedly fantastic Margot Robbie), and first tries to bribe, then tries to dodge FBI agent Patrick Denham (Kyle Chandler). Denham—impressed by neither Belfort’s yacht nor the helicopter parked on top of it—knows Belfort is breaking a whole bunch of laws. The question is how long it’ll be until he gets caught.

The Wolf of Wall Street often feels like a liveaction cartoon, outsize and ludicrous.

While Belfort and his desperate, cashslobbery pals do their best to redefine debauchery, Scorsese blows the roof off the goddamn place. After Shutter Island, Hugo, and Shine a Light, it was easy to worry that the 71-year-old director was ossifying, but The Wolf of Wall Street annihilates those concerns. This is a movie that’s funny and alive and furious, and it’s as good as anything Scorsese’s ever done. The Wolf of Wall Street often feels like a live-action cartoon, outsize and ludicrous, but Scorsese is not content with that: When Terence Winter’s screenplay turns dark and intense, Scorsese doesn’t let up.

The Wolf of Wall Street clocks in at three hours, but feels too short. Toward its end, things get less chaotic and more plotty, Scorsese’s razor-sharp cuts start to dull, and the rumors of an original longer cut start to make more sense. Given the film as a whole, that’s a meaningless quibble, and here’s a better way to look at it: When The Wolf of Wall Street ended, I wished there was more of it. And that’s the best compliment I can give to a movie about a douchebag. ERIK HENRIKSEN

Island, his world-historical meetings with President F.W. de Klerk, his split from Winnie Mandela). Through all this, we see exactly the historical substance of British reformism: No one can stop progress, and progress is always represented by a great man. If this film were made by a South African, there would be much less certainty about the promises of progress. CHARLES MUDEDE

Her

dir. Spike Jonze

Despite the dangerously high-concept premise—“a man falls in love with Siri”—Her is one of the best science-fiction movies I’ve seen in a good long while. It’s not flashy rockets-and-robots sci-fi: The artificial intelligence that Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix, rumpled and wearing a big, friendly, Vonnegut-like mustache) falls in love with feels less like a quantum leap ahead of Google Now and Siri, and more like a couple of wellpaced quantum skips. But the AI, which immediately names itself Samantha, is voiced by Scarlett Johansson with remarkable warmth. Once Twombly powers her into existence, she’s chipper like an enthusiastic retail employee, but she quickly grows fond of him. It’s such an organic progression that only the most cynical viewers will fight it.

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom dir. Justin Chadwick

The first thing you must understand about this movie, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, which is released the same month the great man died, is that it’s not a South African film but a British one. I tell you the truth when I say that there’s more South Africa in District 9 than in Mandela, a film that has a lot of what The Queen has: Great Britain. Similarly, Richard Attenborough’s Gandhi is not Indian but British. The reason Gandhi and Mandela are of the same species of cinema is that they have identical political cores—a social ideology that is, though progressive (reformism), historically British. Mandela begins well enough: We see children and mothers in a humble house; we see the golden grass of a field; we see naked black African boys walking into a river; we see a young Mandela in a suit walking down a busy city street; we see Mandela the lawyer defending a black African who has been accused, by her boss, of stealing underwear. All of this is fine and dreamy, and Idris Elba (a British actor) quickly assures us that his portrayal of Mandela will be professional. But then things start to get too smooth as the film translates messy historical events (through the purifying lens of British reformist politics) into a clear narrative: Here, he is the ladies’ man with no real interest in politics (we see him seducing beautiful women). Next is his political awakening and decision to join the African National Congress, then comes the shift in his position from nonviolence to violence against the state, and so on (imprisonment on Robben

Her’s gorgeous near-future is full of the casual wonders of technology. Video games are holographic, high-speed rail stretches out into the wilds of California, and Los Angeles is a beautiful collection of towers aglow with interesting slants of daylight. But even in the future, people still fall in and out of love. They hunker down on the subway, muttering quietly to their

phones as they try to shut out the world. They stare at the inscrutable faces of strangers on the sidewalk and wonder what it’s like to be outside their own body for even a second.

That problem of consciousness relates directly to Twombly as he interacts mostly with women—his ex-wife (Rooney Mara), a blind date (Olivia Wilde, in the worst sequence in the film), a neighbor going through relationship drama of her own (the incredible Amy Adams), and Samantha—but he seems to think of them only in relation to himself. He has no problem thinking of Samantha as a woman, but whether he thinks of women as human beings is still a subject for debate. Technology, Spike Jonze proves in his first solo script, can’t solve our problems, but it certainly can help us rephrase them.

PAUL CONSTANT

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/film

LIMITED RUN

FIDDLER ON THE ROOF SING-ALONG

See Stranger Suggests, page 19. The kosher classic, served with equally kosher Chinese take-out, presented with sing-along subtitles! SIFF Cinema Uptown, Wed Dec 25 at 1 pm.

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

Shortly after It’s a Wonderful Life’s 1946 release, James Agee, the most astute and eloquent American film critic of all time, noted the film’s grueling aspect. “Often,” he wrote, “in its pile-driving emotional exuberance, it outrages, insults, or at least accosts without introduction, the cooler and more responsible parts of the mind.” These aesthetic cautions are followed, however, by a telling addendum: “It is nevertheless recommended,” Agee allowed, “and will be reviewed at length as soon as the paralyzing joys of the season permit.” Paralyzing joys are the very heart of George Bailey’s dilemma; they are, to borrow words from George’s father, “deep in the race.” The sacrifices George makes for being “the richest man in town” resonate bitterly even as they lead to the finale’s effusive payoff. Those sacrifices are what make It’s a Wonderful Life in all its “Capraesque” glory, endure. (SEAN NELSON) Grand Illusion, Wed 6 pm, Thurs-Fri 7:30 pm, Sat-Sun 5, 7:30 pm, Tues 7:30 pm.

WAYNE’S WORLD

Two Canadian truckers deal with newfound loneliness as their wives succumb to cancer, and their families split apart. Both discover friendship on a cross-continental trip to deliver live hogs to a slaughterhouse. Just kidding! It’s about two assholes with guitars. Central Cinema, Fri-Mon 9:30 pm.

WHEN HARRY MET SALLY

One of the truly formative American romantic comedies, even though it involves someone falling in love with Billy Crystal. (It’s also the source of the most hilarious orgasm joke your grandma’s ever heard.) Central Cinema, Fri 7 pm, Sat 3, 7 pm, Sun 7 pm.

NOW PLAYING

AMERICAN HUSTLE

It’s hard to pull off a con movie these days, when the impulse to get too elaborate has taken over. But American Hustle has a realistic sense of scale. Christian Bale plays Irving Rosenfeld, a two-bit hustler from the Bronx who sells counterfeit artwork and scams people out of a few thousand dollars at a time. He leads a large and excellent cast, including Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, and Robert De Niro. The movie withholds pertinent information about characters until just the right moment, and it knows how to show its hand before things get too complicated. A good con pulls you close so you can’t see it’s hiding something important from you; American Hustle works exactly like that. (PAUL CONSTANT)

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES Anchorman 2 isn’t as funny as the first Anchorman. At least, it’s not as evenly funny as the first Anchorman, although there are a couple of scenes that had me laughing harder and longer than I did at any one scene in the first movie. On the other hand, there were a lot more boring sequences, too. You’ve already met these characters,

SHOWING 12/27 - 1/2

AMERICAN HUSTLE (R)

Fri: (1:00), (4:10)*, 7:25*, 10:00

Sat - Mon: (1:00)*, (4:10)*, 7:25*, 10:00 Tue: (1:00)*, (4:10)*, 7:25*^ Wed: (1:00)*, (4:10)*, 7:25*

Thu: (1:00)*, (4:10)*, 7:25*, 10:00

SAVING MR. BANKS (PG-13)

Fri - Mon: (10:20 AM)*, (1:20), (4:40)*, 7:15, 10:25*

Tue: (10:20 AM)*, (1:20), (4:40)*, 7:15^ Wed: (1:20), (4:40)*, 7:15

Thu: (10:20 AM)*, (1:20), (4:40)*, 7:15, 10:25*

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG (PG-13)

Fri - Mon: (10:00 AM), (1:10)*, (4:00), 7:05*, 10:15*

Tue: (10:00 AM), (1:10)*, (4:00), 7:05*^ Wed: (1:10)*, (4:00), 7:05*

Thu: (10:00 AM), (1:10)*, (4:00), 7:05*, 10:15*

Stroller Park Wednesdays are back! BABY FRIENDLY MATINEES AT 11:00 AM WEDNESDAYS. Check our Facebook page for details

and they haven’t really changed at all: David Koechner plays the loud-mouthed idiot, Paul Rudd plays the semisuave idiot, and Steve Carell plays Brick Tamland, the idiot’s idiot. Screenwriters Will Ferrell and Adam McKay seem to understand that Carell was the first Anchorman’s secret comedy weapon, and so they’ve given him a full-blown subplot this time around. A little bit of Brick goes a long way, but Carell again coaxes more laughs out of the audience than any other actor in the movie except for Ferrell. The story touches on some of the same elements as the first movie—scary animal attacks, a cabinet full of manly accoutrements—but it doesn’t revisit the same punch lines as in the first film. There’s even an attempt at a whole different type of comedy in Anchorman 2: satire. And even though 24-hour cable news is an impossibly easy target, I can’t imagine Wolf Blitzer, Mika Brzezinski, or Anderson Cooper watching this movie without squirming in their seats, which means the satire feels effective. (PAUL CONSTANT)

BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR

Blue ranks among the best love stories I’ve ever seen. High schooler Adèle falls for college student Emma the first time she sees her. Adèle is needy, aimless, and libidinous, and the two enter into a beautifully adolescent relationship, all hungry sex and deep, pseudo-intellectual conversations. As the years pass and the women age, the beautiful, vague Adèle slowly begins to come into focus, but it’s not until she screws things up with Emma that she—and we—understand how much the relationship really means to her. (ALISON HALLETT)

ENOUGH SAID

While it doesn’t let any of the characters off the hook for their bullshit—it wouldn’t be a Nicole Holofcener joint if it did—Enough Said is her warmest movie to date, thanks to the insanely likable Julia Louis-Dreyfus and a great turn from James Gandolfini, in one of his last performances.

(ALISON HALLETT)

GRUDGE MATCH

Early in Grudge Match, two rival retired boxers (the bluecollar everyman is played by Sylvester Stallone, and the flashy showoff is played by Robert De Niro) get thrown in jail after fighting in public. They’re put in adjacent holding tanks, and De Niro starts heckling Stallone by repeatedly calling him a “super-pussy.” Stallone looks at the other guys in De Niro’s holding tank and says, “Could one of you fellas hurry up and rape this guy already?”

That’s really all you need to know about Grudge Match It’s lowest-common-denominator garbage that doesn’t even earn the dubious ranking of the funniest I’m-tooold-for-this-shit comedy starring Robert De Niro to be released this year. (Even last month’s aggressively dull Last Vegas was better than this.) Eventually, the two boxers agree to fight in a high-profile boxing match, and they spend most of the movie training for the bout. Queasy-making and insensitive jokes about race, child rape, and gay panic clunk around the script, along with the requisite prostate exam. Haw? (PAUL CONSTANT)

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

Joel and Ethan Coen’s caustic, marvelous depiction of the Greenwich Village folk-music scene of the early ‘60s follows down-on-his-luck folksinger Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac). Llewyn is not a bad guy, necessarily, but there’s just something about him that pisses people off. Llewyn is

the latest in the string of feckless antiheroes that populate the Coen brothers’ best movies, and Isaac turns in an exceptional performance that not only fulfills the role’s technical challenges—that’s Isaac singing every note and plucking every guitar string you hear—but allows you to find some affection for this prickly, troubled character.

(NED LANNAMANN)

IS THE MAN WHO IS TALL HAPPY? AN ANIMATED CONVERSATION WITH NOAM CHOMSKY

You only need to watch the documentary for 10 minutes

I TELEVISION TM

BY WM. TM STEVEN HUMPHREY

THE YEAR IN RANDOM STUFF I SAID

Every year, I like to pick random quotes from random television columns I wrote throughout the year and randomly present them—TOTALLY OUT OF CONTEXT—for the enjoyment of presumably no one. Actually, I enjoy them, because it’s a good reminder for me that I take too many drugs, drink too much booze, and should probably have a ball gag in my mouth 24/7. Anyway, here’s just a small sampling of the most horrifically inane things I wrote in 2013! (May I never say them again.)

• “But in my defense I’ve never viciously murdered a single person! And in case you’re wondering, I’ve also never viciously murdered a group of people.”

• “Which would you rather do: Watch a three-hour-long movie about LINCOLN (snore!) that’s so boring that the poop in your ass will actually move into someone else’s ass (just to change things up a little), OR 20 minutes of freaking awesome speedboats doing 90-mile-per-hour jumps over a pontoon boat filled with topless cheerleaders shooting off penis-shaped Roman candles? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO… Speedboat Jumping!”

• “Guns have two primary functions: (1) to murder things, and (2) to make the gun holder feel less like a chickenshit. For example, hunters love to murder animals—they’re just too scared to do it with their own hands. In their defense, there’s a good reason hunters don’t try to strangle bucks with piano wire. They’re afraid the deer will retaliate by perforating the hunter’s anus with an antler. So of course they use guns to kill animals from great distances

to realize that Chomsky’s 1971 debate with Michel Foucault on Dutch TV will not be registered in the history books as his strangest encounter with a famous Frenchman. That honor goes to Michel Gondry, the director and interviewer of An Animated Conversation. Though dealing with a very complicated intellectual, Gondry tries to keep the questions simple. Chomsky answers Gondry with the certainty of an old and huge computer printer. To make some lightness out of Chomsky’s academic heaviness, Gondry decorates the responses with whimsical animations. (CHARLES MUDEDE

because BRRRR! Angry deer! Amirite?”

• “Oh, sure—before I took the sinus medication it felt like two barrels of fruit Jell-O were shoved up my nose and a vibrating dildo buried just beneath my eyebrows. And while the sinus medication removed both Jell-O and dildo, it also took out my brain and replaced it with a jumbo package of cotton gauze and a sleeping hobo. So now whenever I try to form a coherent thought, the hobo rolls over and screams, ‘Oy! Wot’s all this then? Can’t ye see I’m tryin’ to get me beauty rest, ye lily-livered pecker licker??’ (Apparently this hobo is some kind of cockney pirate?)”

• “Last year for Halloween I was Sexy Parking Garage Attendant, and the year before that I was Sexy Uncooperative Customer Service Agent. The year before that I was Sexy Darth Vader Centaur, and the year before that I was Sexy Escher Drawing of Weird Upside-Down Staircases.”

• “October 16: Today in history, the Cuban Missile Crisis officially began in 1962. President Kennedy was thumbing through a pile of nude Marilyn Monroe photos when he came across a picture of Castro’s secret Cuban missile base, and he was all like, ‘WHAAAT THAAA FAAAAACK??’ And Castro was all like, ‘Yahhh, Papi! You feeling my swag now?’ And the Soviets were all like, ‘Vee are goink to murrrder efferyvon in zee VORLD!!’ But they didn’t, and everything turned out okay.”

• “Oh, surrrrre. Robots are being taught how to play rock-paper-scissors NOW. But guess what they’ll be doing with their super-fast fingers next? Outdrawing us in gun duels, snatching knives out of the air (that were expertly thrown at their servo panels), and eventually? Finger-banging our significant others before we can get our digits up in there! (Actually, that might save us a lot of work.)”

Read Humpy’s weekly TV listings at THESTRANGER.COM

QUEEN

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EAST TACOMA ROOM for rent. call 253-312-9488 if interested. $450/ mo.includes utilities and cable.

NEED ROOMMATE ASAP Me and my friend are planning to move out to a studio/apartment near Downtown/ University district area. We are looking for a female roommate. email me if you are interested: elice.jesslyn@ yahoo.com

SEEKING COMPATIBLE

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U OF W big room available now. 5 blocks north on 17th NE. Completely renovated old home. New plumbing, wiring, alarms, granite counters, big kitchen, wide halls, tall ceilings, 24 hour lights, 5 bathrooms. Cable, tv to every room & business class comcast wireless. House computer, tv room w/ comcast on demand, commercial laundry & lots of hot water. We do not rent to smoker or take pets.

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LIKE A JAPANESE Hot Springs

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YOGA

YOGA FOR MEN Beginners Ashtanga for Men Six Wednesdays January 8th 7:00-8:15pm - $72 for series or $15 drop-in Ashtanga is a vinyasa flow-style that follows a set series of poses from the primary series. www.theyogaden.com

EDUCATION

IF YOU NEED Java tutor or Java help, I provide tutoring in Basic and Advanced Java. I help you code yourself. Bharat 203-428-4124 www.javasprint.com

OTHER

AUDIO/VIDEO

PA/SOUND SYSTEMS AVAILABLE for corporate functions, conferences, weddings, community events, city fairs, DJ applications, bands, private parties, etc. Rental includes mics, mixer, stands, cables, plus delivery, set-up, running, and teardown. State-certified sound technician available. 206-5517366 Vivo Rentals www.vivo-usa.com/

CLEANING

2 ROOMS AND hall, $79.95. We use EARTH friendly products. 25+ years exp. Cirt. by IICRC and Stain Master. Call 206-242-0000

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COMPUTER

LESSONS

SING WITH CONFIDENCE. Beginners welcome. Breathing/Range Dev. Sliding Scale. Call Rosy 782-9305 singwithconfidence.com

SING! JANET 206-781-5062 FreetheVoiceWithin.com

THE VOCALIST STUDIO We Train Vocal Athletes www.thevocaliststudio.com Scream technique, 5 Octave range. Eliminate Tension. Downtown Seattle studio. 425.444.5053

MUSICIANS AVAILABLE

AVANT-ROCK BAND SEEKING keyboardist to complete personnel. Bass/Guitar/Violin/Cello/Voice. Swans, Glenn Branca, Godspeed You!Black Emperor, Zero 7, Jarboe, Live Skull, Saint Vitus, Black Sabbath, Painkiller. No drugs. We have a rehearsal space. 206.547.2615/omaritaylor@gmail.com www.myspace.com/branavinix/www. branavinix.com

COMPOSER AND BLUES/JAZZ pianist, Rolf Jones-Moore, will be available to perform a 2 hour concert for your event or house concert. Visit his website, rolfjonesmoore.com, for a complete audio experience of his music.

CREATIVE

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PET CARE

DRUMMER AVAILABLE. 45 yrs exp./ good equipment. Experienced in all types of music. Appearances with many bands in the PNW. Seeking to find older musicians to form a group in the Everett/North Seattle. Contact: Wild Bill 425-265-7103

EXPERIENCED VERSATILE GUITARIST available for recording session work. I also have instruction experience. Styles range from classical, delta & Chicago Blues to modern Metal, and almost everything in between. Can fill in for vacant gig spots. Own gear & transportation.

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LEGENDARY PIANIST AVAILABLE

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MUSICIANS WANTED

AUXILIARY PERCUSSIONIST NEEDED to round and augment the percussive element of experimental rock band. Polyrhythms, metal percussion, timbales, bottles and knives will be used, along with other implements. Black Flag, Swans, Savage Republic. No drugs. 206.547.2615/omaritaylor@ hotmail.com/www.rendingsinew.com

AVANT-ROCK BAND SEEKING guitarist. We are currently drums, bass and voice. We will be adding more instrumentation in time. Swans, My Bloody Valentine, Angels of Light, and traditional Spanish, Irish, Mediterranean, and Arabian music. No drugs. www. myspace.com/branavinix/206.547.2615

BASSIST/FRONTPERSON SOUGHT. NEED male or female bass player & frontperson for original blues-based/rockabilly project. Rehearse twice weekly in Auburn, must have all the usuals. Call Bill at 360.292.3568 or 253.229.4946, or Glen at 206.954.0255. Embrace the volume. Call Murphy @ 206 860 3534.

ESTABLISHED SEATTLE METAL band with one album released, looking for a drummer. We’re looking for a drummer who’s comfortable with alternative time signatures, and metal. Our influences include; Metallica, Slayer, and Mike Patton. You can reach me at; cashpaycheck.com

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RECORDING/REHEARSAL

ONE SHARED REHEARSAL room @ $220/month including 36hr/month & private closet. Visit wildersoundstudios.com. Located in SODO Seattle. Contact Samantha 425-445-9165. s.wilder@wildersoundstudios.com

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of Dec 25

ARIES (March 21–April 19): Edmund Kean (1789–1833) was one of the most famous British actors of his time. But a contemporary, the poet Samuel Coleridge, was frustrated by Kean’s inconsistency, regarding him as a great artist who on occasion lapsed into histrionics. “To see him act,” said Coleridge, “is like reading Shakespeare by flashes of lightning.” Now and then, I get that feeling about you, Aries. You have bursts of brilliance that you sometimes don’t follow up on. You’re like a superstar who loses your concentration. But I’ve got a strong feeling that in 2014 you will at least partially overcome this tendency. Your word of power will be consistency.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): Ernest Rutherford (1871–1937) is known as the father of nuclear physics not just because he won the Nobel Prize for chemistry. He was also a superb teacher. Eleven of his students won Nobel Prizes. That’s the kind of teacher or mentor or guide I urge you to connect with in 2014, Taurus. The coming months will potentially be an optimum time for you to learn deeply, and at a rapid rate. One of the best ways to fulfill that promise will be to apprentice yourself to adepts who have mastered the skills and savvy you want to acquire.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): Your last best hope to get rich was back in the latter half of 2001 and the first six months of 2002. From July 2025 to June 2026, the cosmos will again conspire to give you a big fat chance to expedite your cash flow to the max. But why get bogged down dreaming of the past or fantasizing about the future when fertile opportunities to boost your prosperity are in front of you right now? Financial luck is flowing your way. Viable ideas for making money are materializing in your subconscious treasure house. The contacts that could help you build your wealth are ready to play with you. (This offer is good until July 2014.)

CANCER (June 21–July 22): French poet Edmond Jabès had this to say about the birth of big creative ideas that dramatically transform one’s life: “For the writer, discovering the work he will write is both like a miracle and a wound, like the miracle of the wound.” Regardless of whether or not you’re an artist, Cancerian, I expect that you will experience a wrenching and amazing awakening like this in 2014. The opening you’ve been hoping and working for will finally crack its way into your destiny. It may be one of

the most pleasurable disruptions you’ve ever had.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): In the coming months, I’m betting that you will exit a confined place or shed cramped expectations or break off your commitment to a compromise that has drained you. It may happen suddenly, or it could take a while to complete. How the escape unfolds will have to do with how thoroughly you extract the lessons that your “incarceration” has made available. Here’s a ritual that might also expedite the process: Give a gift to the people you’re leaving behind, or offer a blessing in the spot where your difficult teachings have taken place.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): “Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good,” says a character in John Steinbeck’s novel East of Eden. I suggest that you make this your rallying cry in 2014, Virgo. In fact, why not begin right now, wherever you are? Say “Now that I don’t have to be perfect, I can be good.” Free yourself of the pressure to be the polished, ultimate embodiment of everything you’d ever hoped you would be. That will allow you to relax into being more content with the intriguing creation you have already become. You may be surprised by how much mojo this affords you.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): In 1972, English folk musician Nick Drake recorded his album Pink Moon. He finished it in a mere four hours, singing all 11 songs and playing every instrumental track himself. It took years for anyone to appreciate his artistry, but eventually the magazine Melody Maker selected Pink Moon as number 48 on its list of the “All Time Top 100 Albums.” Here’s one way I suspect your efforts will be similar to Drake’s in 2014, Libra: You will have the ability to get a lot done in a short time. Here are two ways your fate will be different from Drake’s: First, you will have a big pool of trustworthy allies to call on for help. Second, what you produce won’t take nearly as long to get the appreciation it warrants.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): Eierlegende Wollmilchsau is a colloquial German term for a mythical pig that lays eggs like a chicken, provides milk like a cow, supplies wool like a sheep, and ultimately becomes bacon and pork chops. Metaphorically, it may refer to a fanciful device that performs many functions. Imagine, for instance, a futuristic smartphone that could interpret your dreams, trim your unwanted hair, fix you a perfect cup of coffee, tell you you’re beautiful in ways you actually believe, and cure your little health problems. In the real world, there’s no such thing, right? Not yet. But there’s a chance you will find the next best thing to an Eierlegende Wollmilchsau in 2014.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): “We don’t accomplish our love in a single year as the flowers do,” says Rainer Maria Rilke

Read bucketloads more (or place your own) online at www.thestranger.com/personals

NORTHGATE QFC HOLIDAY

CHAT

Me, auburn hair up and wearing a gray scarf. You chatted me up about holiday plans and were looking pretty sharp in that overcoat. I thought about giving you my business card... then wimped out! Life is too short. When: Wednesday, December 18, 2013. Where: QFC on Northgate. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920164

FRIDAY THE 13TH

We met at the Aphersand. You bought me two drinks and invited me to hangout at the Rabit Hole. I gave you my number, but lost my phone that same night. If you’re still interested, we should definitly hangout soon. When: Friday, December 13, 2013. Where: Amphersand Lounge. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920162

TANKGIRL AT RUDY’S BARBERSHOP, UDIST

Pa-pa-pa-POW! Colorful girl, you light up my heart every time I see you. You got mad skills with the snip snips. Adventure to Mars with me? When: Sunday, December 15, 2013. Where: Rudy’s Barbershop, U District. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #920161

VALUEVILLAGE “MAN WATCHERS CLUB” PIN

Personable fellow in the basement putting items away, we say hi often, today was different, I started a conversation, your name’s Terry, lets meet for coffee/drinks? You’re pleasant to my eyes, and I love your “Man Watchers Club” pin. Swained. When: Tuesday, December 10, 2013. Where: Value Village. You: Man. Me: Man. #920153

DRUNK GIRL I HELPED

I was crossing the street to grocery store and heard a scream. I didn’t see anybody until I got across finding you on the ground between a van and a light pole. helped you up and across the street. When: Monday, December 9, 2013. Where: Roy St. Queen Anne. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920152

SELF-CHECKOUT GIRL AT GREENWOOD FREDDY’S

You snuck up beside me while was scanning my things and told me not to mind you, you were interested in my Christmas tree. I should have taken the chance to strike up a real conversation. Lets try again? When: Monday, December 2, 2013. Where: Greenwood Fred Meyer. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920151

BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN DOC

MARTINS

I saw you on third and pike around 5:30. I was the guy with the large plugs and the leather jacket that said he liked your boots. If you find this hit me up. Lets get coffee. When: Friday, November 29, 2013. Where: 3rd and pike. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920146

LYFT DRIVER THANKSGIVING MORNING You: Chris- a charming gent; you let me vent & provided a genuine smile when I was stressed out. Me: sad lady post-rough night; thankful for your warmth and sincerity during the ride. Thank you, again. You made my day! When: Thursday, November 28, 2013. Where: Driving for Lyft. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920145

WESTCREST DOGPARK... I saw you today with your young female Dane. As we were leaving I complimented you on a specific part of you anatomy. Just a lovely, deliciously edible figure you have! Would welcome more interaction should you desire such.... When: Thursday, November 28, 2013. Where: West Seattle. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920144

in the Duino Elegies. Do you promise to take that truth into consideration in 2014, Sagittarius? Will you pledge to diligently devote yourself to creating the right conditions for love to flourish? In the past, you may not have been fully able to carry out this slow-building marvel; you may not have had quite enough wise perseverance. But you do now.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): In 1588, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, the ruler of Japan, confiscated the swords, daggers, and spears belonging to every citizen. He announced they would be melted down and used to make a giant Buddha statue. I’d love to see you undertake a comparable transformation in 2014, Capricorn. You shouldn’t completely shed all your anger and pugnacity, of course; a certain amount is valuable, especially when you need to rouse yourself to change situations that need to be changed. But it’s also true that you could benefit from a reduction in your levels of combativeness. What if you could “melt down” some of your primal rage and use the energy that’s made available to build your personal equivalent of a Buddha icon?

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): The period between last July and next June is prime time to find or create your dream job. That might mean simply upgrading your existing gig so that it serves you better. Or it could involve you rethinking your relationship with work and going off in quest of a new way to earn a living. So how are you doing on this project, Aquarius? If you are proceeding on schedule, you should be halfway there by now. The goal should be clear, and you should be more disciplined, organized, and determined than ever. If for any reason this isn’t the case, start playing catch-up.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): “Singing teaches two skills that are essential for any creative process,” says author and vocalist Rachel Bagby, “the ability to listen and the ability to be flexible and spontaneous.” I bring this to your attention, Pisces, because 2014 could potentially be a golden age for your creativity. It will be a time when you will benefit even more than usual from exploring and enhancing your imaginative originality. That’s why I’m encouraging you to sing more than you ever have before. Make a list of your 50 favorite singable songs. Be aggressive about expanding the music you get exposed to, and learn the melodies and lyrics to a lot of new tunes. Cut loose with your vocal stylings whenever you have a chance, and take a vow to propel yourself out of funky moods with the creative energy of your singing.

Homework: Send me your New Year’s resolutions. Go to realastrology.com and click “Email Rob.” For extra credit, send your anti-resolutions: weird habits and vices you pledge to continue.

RUSHING TO SEE MOVIE... was in a hurry to get a movie ticket when I saw you, Alexandra. You were the pretty and charmingticket lady at the Lynnwood AMC who complimented me on my cat shirt. I regret not staying to chat more. When: Saturday, December 14, 2013. Where: Lynnwood AMC Theater. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920160

MACKLEMORE THURSDAY NIGHT

Lee(Angelo?), After the MACKLEMORE concert Thursday we were in the street, you took my picture with Macklemore on your phone. Gave you my email address, but no pic yet. I would LOVE to get that from you!!! Sommer When: Thursday, December 12, 2013. Where: Outside Macklemore show Thursday. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920159

HANDSOME BEARD AT SULLY’S SNOWGOOSE

You: Dark hair, beautiful beard, olive coat, sitting at the bar alone. Me: Black hair, blue scarf, by the door,with a guy pal, unable to avert my eyes from you. You left without finishing your beer. Finish one with me? When: Friday, December 13, 2013. Where: Sully’s Snowgoose. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920158

SAFEWAY MUSIC

You called me and the cashier grinch’s because we were getting tired of Christmas music and you weren’t. We waved when I walked by your car. Meet up sometime? When: Saturday, December 14, 2013. Where: Safeway on 15th and 85th. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920157

THRILL ON BLUEBERRY HILL

We Met In An Alcohol Haze And Had An Amazing Time! So Gerry Want To Try Again And See If We Can Still Thrill Each Other? When: Friday, December 13, 2013. Where: Roy Street. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920156

MR BEAN.. ..cannot be your real name. I did not realize you were a student until recently. I’ve only seen you a few times but you are so cute. I am the other student who has been making eyes at you When: Thursday, December 12, 2013. Where: ballard. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920155

MACLAMORE CONCERT YOU SUPER DRUNK your name was lana I told you mine was Josh. After the show I saw you dropping money and your cell phone. tried to walk you towards you house safely On 1st and warren. When: Wednesday, December 11, 2013. Where: 1st ave and warren pl SHE WAS REAL DRUNK HER NAME WAS LANA. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920154

Cafe Vita (Pioneer Square)

Hello, We always smile at each other. I commented on your X-Mas sweater. We joked about butts on the reindeer. I thought you said you got it from China? I find you’re very easy to talk too. And very adorable.

When: Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Where: Cafe Vita ( PIONEER SQUARE)

You: Woman Me: Man

#920163

MYSTERIOUS URBAN OUTFITTERS EMPLOYEE

Tried more items then necessary so I could go back to the dressing rooms and see you, you remembered my name! Me with messy brown hair. Boy with the beanie and pretty eyes, I hope I see you again soon! When: Saturday, November 30, 2013. Where: Urban Outfitters on the Ave. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920150

YOSHI IN SEARCH OF WONKA

I told you that you were cute, and we talked about dogs, Renton, and our jobs. You thought it was awesome that I work at Nintendo, while you work at a chocolate factory. Coffee/tea sometime? When: Friday, November 22, 2013. Where: Renton. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920149

11/16 COSTCO4THAVE: YES!!

WANT BITE!! You: (50’s) ANGEL darling guy-Madras Bermuda Shorts!! Pale green glasses!! Costco food court. Me: useless dumb thing on mind that afternoon--spaced-accent said “no” to gelato bite offer. Changed Mind!! will eat both scoops!!! ~you have been on mind ever since!!! When: Saturday, November 16, 2013. Where: Costco 4th ave. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920147

I’LL

DEAR READERS: Sophia Wallace, the NYCbased conceptual artist behind the amazing Cliteracy project, was a guest on my podcast recently. (To hear our conversation, go to savage lovecast.com and look up episode 371.) During our chat, Wallace told me that a column I wrote years ago about the importance of the clit had a big impact on her as a teenager—in fact, she still had the copy of the column that she had clipped out of the newspaper. I’m reprinting that column this week for three solid reasons: Ignorance about the clit is still rampant (hence the importance of Wallace’s work), reprinting the column allows me to plug Wallace’s work (check it out at sophiawallace.com), and it’s Christmas and I’m taking the week off. For newer readers: Letter writers addressed me as “Hey, Faggot” for the first few years. These days, of course, only my husband talks to me that way. Happy New Year!

Hey, Faggot:

DAN SAVAGE

you’re enjoying yourself, but you’re not having orgasms. Eventually, you pull your slimy face out of her crotch and ask for some direct cock-head stimulation. Your girlfriend recoils in horror. She insists that ALL her previous boyfriends could climax from indirect cock-nudging alone. “What is wrong with you?” she asks. How would you react to that, Brooklyn? Probably like this: You would get up, get dressed, tell her she’s full of shit— delusional—and inform her on your way out the door that all of her previous boyfriends were liars. You wouldn’t settle for indirect stimulation—so why should your girlfriends have to settle for indirect stimulation?

My question involves my present girlfriend and ex-girlfriend, as I’ve had the same problem with both. Both say I am a good lover. Lovemaking sessions have lasted hours. However, neither could have an orgasm via intercourse alone. They can each come in a second by masturbation, and in minutes from oral sex. They say they’ve come very close during intercourse with me. They also say I shouldn’t worry. But if I didn’t worry about it, wouldn’t I be one of those guys women complain about all the time? I’m beginning to get a complex. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder if they would be more satisfied if they were with someone better endowed. During intercourse, I feel myself becoming discouraged: I think that she will never enjoy this as much as I do, and sometimes these thoughts have caused me to go soft in the middle of the act. Please tell me what to do. Brooklyn

Hey, Brooklyn:

Your desire not to be “one of those guys women complain about all the time” is commendable, but it would be more so if you’d bothered to educate yourself about women’s bodies and women’s orgasms before you started fucking women. News flash: Most women are unable to “have an orgasm via intercourse alone.” Why is this? Because the business end of the clitoris—which plays as central a role in her sexual pleasure as the head of your cock plays in yours—is located outside and above the vagina, not inside and up it. Are you with me? The clitoris is not a joy buzzer at the top of the vaginal canal. It doesn’t matter how big your dick is, how hard your dick is, or how far you manage to get it in (okay, those things do matter, but not for the sake of this argument): The clit’s the thing!

While some women’s clits are angled in such a way that bumping and grinding provides enough direct clitoral stimulation to get them off, most are not so conveniently angled, and you actually have to go out of your way to make her orgasms happen. It never ceases to amaze me just how many heterosexual men don’t know these basic vagifacts.

But you needn’t take my word for it. According to Cosmo —my reference for all questions regarding female anatomy, sexual response, and makeup—fully 70 percent of women need stimulation above and beyond vaginal intercourse in order to achieve orgasm.

Imagine the flip side, Brooklyn: Your new girlfriend pays no attention to the head of your cock during sex; the most she can be bothered to do is provide you with a little “indirect stimulation.” Maybe she nudges the side of your dick with her foot while you eat her to orgasm after orgasm. While you might enjoy this activity (especially if you’re a foot fetishist), it probably won’t get you off. You’re having fun,

I’m going to let you off the hook just a bit: You most likely aren’t entirely responsible for your ignorance or your predicament. The women you’ve slept with up to this point may have contributed to your ignorance. A lot of women, when they first start having sex, believe they should be able to have orgasms from intercourse alone—because that’s the way women’s orgasms seem to work in movies, porn, and romance novels, and, funnily enough, it’s the way their ill-informed young boyfriends insist women’s orgasms work. Consequently, some young women psych themselves out, convincing themselves that they’re having orgasms while their boyfriends huff and puff; other women fake orgasms for fear that their boyfriends will think they’re damaged goods if they can’t come from intercourse alone.

Since inexperienced young women tend to have sex with inexperienced young men, these psyched/faked orgasms can leave young men with a false impression of the way women’s bodies work and, sadly, of their own sexual abilities. Bad-in-bed boys bop through their sex lives until the earth-shattering moment when they find themselves in bed with a woman who insists on a little hand action or a lot of oral sex. When a boy finds himself in bed with a woman who demands that her orgasm (and her clit) play as central a role in the sex act as his orgasm (and the head of his dick), these boys— these dear, sweet, darling breeder boys—freak the fuck out. They think the new girlfriend is some sort of psychotic nympho, or, like you, they think their lovemaking skills have deteriorated or their cocks suddenly aren’t big enough.

But the new girlfriend isn’t a psychotic nympho. She’s just not a doormat. And the boy’s lovemaking skills haven’t deteriorated—they never developed in the first place. And as for your particular cock, Brooklyn, it may be too big, too small, or just right, but almost all women need stimulation in addition to fucking to achieve orgasm, regardless of their manfriend’s cock size. So the size of your pee-pee doesn’t matter all that friggin’ much, except, perhaps, aesthetically.

You fear the girlfriend “will never enjoy [intercourse] as much as I do,” Brooklyn, and that fear sometimes causes you to go soft. Fear not: She’ll enjoy the fucking just as much as you do, so long as you remember to pay attention to her clit while you’re fucking her. If your arms aren’t broken or bound, reach down or around and finger her clit while you bang away; encourage her to play with herself when you’re fucking; try different positions to see if different angles of penetration might provide more direct stimulation to her clit, and then let her control the speed and pace of the grind; get her off with your mouth or your hand before you fuck; buy some “clit grapes” at a sextoy store—the possibilities are endless. Learn more about women’s bodies, listen to your partner’s verbal cues, watch for her physical ones, and make her pleasure a priority—that’s how you avoid being one of those men women complain about all the time. Good luck. mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

ADOPTION

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DO YOU WANT TO STOP USING ALCOHOL?

The UW and the Seattle VA are looking for people ages 18 and over who use alcohol frequently, have problems with it, and want to stop using it. Non-veterans are welcome! Study is evaluating whether an investigational medication is effective at reducing alcohol craving and use. Study takes 16 weeks. Volunteers will be compensated. Call Ian at 206-277-4872.”

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