The Stranger Vol. 23, No. 18

LAST DAYS

The Year in Review BY

DAVID SCHMADER

Another year has come and gone, and if you’re lucky enough to be reading this, congratulations on making it out of 2013 with your eyesight and literacy intact. To prepare for The Stranger ’s annual Regrets Issue , Last Days revisited what the hell happened within the boundaries of January 1 and December 31 to suss out some overarching themes. The only themes we can find: People are nuts, God has a dark sense of humor, and/or shit happens. These facts illuminated so many Last Days items that we had to narrow down the competition to these categories.

Funniest US Department of Homeland Security Spokesman

Brian Bell, the US Department of Homeland Security spokesman who addressed the press after January’s discovery of 18 human heads in a container at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. “Everybody here is ‘Oh my gosh, you got a box of heads,’” Bell told the Chicago Sun-Times. “It is a potentially legitimate medical shipment.”

Florida’s Premier Renaissance Man

Gregory Bruni, the 21-year-old Fort Myers man who made headlines in January after allegedly carousing naked on the roof of someone’s house, falling off the roof onto one of the house-dwellers, running into the house, pulling a 72-inch television off the wall, knocking over a wet/dry vacuum, attempting to suck the spilled contents from the carpet with his mouth, masturbating in the living room, and defecating in a hallway before having his rampage stopped by a police officer’s Taser.

Most Upsetting Story Instigated by Complaints of Low Water Pressure February’s saga at a Los Angeles hotel, where complaints of low water pressure drove a main-

THANKS FOR NOTHING, SPD

I doubt you remember me, but I am the 20-year-old girl who came up to you crying because a man tried to grab me from behind earlier that day. I was terrified and embarrassed. And you guys laughed at me. You pretended to write down the description I gave you. You pretended that you were going to keep an eye out for him while you stood inside the movie theater. A friend asked me later what I expected from you guys. I expected you to not be assholes. I expected you to give two shits about my safety. But congratulations, SPD, you did it. You made me feel humiliated about almost being attacked. Thanks, I will remember to not try again.

tenance worker onto the hotel’s roof, where he discovered the cause of the problem: a corpse in the rooftop water tank. “Tourists staying at a Los Angeles hotel bathed, brushed teeth, and drank water from a tank in which a young woman’s body was likely decomposing for more than two weeks,” reported CNN.

Best New Fear for All Humans Who Live on Earth

Sudden sinkholes, such as the one that opened beneath the home of Florida’s Jeff Bush, who was relaxing in his bedroom one evening in late February when, as Newsday reported, “ the earth opened and took him and everything else in his room,” disappearing the 37-yearold Bush forever. “It’s really not possible to recover the body,” said Hillsborough County administrator Mike Merrill to Newsday “We’re dealing with a very unusual sinkhole.”

Best Time a Guy Got Cottonmouth So Bad It Made the News

The evening of February 12, when wannabe GOP presidential hopeful Senator Marco Rubio delivered the rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union address, and secured his reputation as the thirstiest man in the world. After struggling through a series of sentences with a sandpaper tongue, the liveon-international-television Rubio dipped to the left, reached out of frame, and indulged in the cottonmouth-quenching water sip heard round the world—behavior that invited speculation on its deeper-level causation and meaning but was simply a matter of too many words and not enough spit, a perfectly human miscalculation that just happens to look super weird if you’re a politician attempting to give a persuasive speech on TV.

But 2013 wasn’t all entertaining freakouts and dry mouth, thanks primarily to guns, one of which was used to kill 20 kids and six adults at the end of 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School, a tragedy that was addressed by the president on January 16

Unveiling what the Associated Press called “the most sweeping proposals for curbing gun violence in two decades, pressing a reluctant Congress to pass universal background checks and bans on military-style assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines like the ones used in the [Sandy Hook] school shooting,” President Obama laid out his battle plan: “To make a real and lasting difference, Congress must act and Congress must act soon. Behind the scenes, they’ll do everything they can to block any commonsense reform and make sure nothing changes whatsoever. The only way we will be able to change is if their audience, their constituents, and their membership says this time must be different, that this time we must do something to protect our communities and our kids.”

Instead, what followed Obama’s historic call to action was another year of insane gun violence, including but not limited to January (when five people were nonfatally shot at five different gun shows and one asshole sent bullets flying around Seattle’s Twilight Exit bar and wound up fatally shot by cops); February (when a mental-health advocate for military veterans with PTSD took a military veteran with PTSD to a gun range and wound up fatally shot by a military veteran with PTSD); April (when a 6-year-old boy was fatally shot by a rifle-wielding 4-year-old in New Jersey, a 3-year-old boy fatally shot himself with a load-

ed gun found in a relative’s apartment in South Carolina, and a 4-year-old fatally shot the wife of a sheriff’s deputy with a loaded gun he found at a family cookout in Tennessee); June (when a trio of Florida nightclub bouncers teased a peer about his lame gun skills until the peer shot them all dead); July (when an Oregon man was reportedly using his loaded rifle as a crutch when it accidentally fired and killed a kid in the apartment above his); August (when a woman was nonfatally shot by her instructor at a gun-safety class in Ohio, which is actually just hilarious); September (when a young man in Indiana fatally shot a 3-year-old boy while playing a game that reportedly involved pointing a loaded gun at the boy’s face and pulling the trigger, a young woman in Colorado wound up fatally shot after jumping out of a closet to surprise her best friend, and a 34-year-old former navy reservist reported to his job at the Washington Navy Yard and fatally shot 12 people before being killed by police); October (when a 24-year-old woman in Phoenix gave her boyfriend a hug and wound up fatally shot by the gun in his waistband); November (when 19-yearold Detroit woman Renisha McBride sought help after a car crash and wound up fatally shot by a homeowner allegedly in fear for his life, and a 72-year-old Georgia man named Ronald Westbrook wandered up to a stranger’s house in an Alzheimery haze and also wound up fatally shot by a homeowner allegedly in fear for his life); and December (when a young Florida couple played a gun-related game that ended when the female half of the couple fatally shot the male half in the chest).

BBeing “ex-gay” is like riding a unicycle— with focus and practice, you can do it, but it’s constant work, you can never just coast.

work, you can never just coast, and eventually you just want to get back to your normal noton-a-unicycle life.) Anyway, today the ex-gay unicycle fetishists of Exodus International took a huge step forward by announcing their plans to shutter the organization (?!) and effusively apologizing to the LGBTQ community (!!!!). “For quite some time we’ve been imprisoned in a worldview that’s neither honoring toward our fellow human beings, nor biblical,” said Exodus president Alan Chambers in a statement. “I understand why I am distrusted and why Exodus is hated. Please know that I am deeply sorry. I am sorry for the pain and hurt many of you have experienced. I am sorry that some of you spent years working through the shame and guilt you felt when your attractions didn’t change… I am sorry that when I celebrated a person coming to Christ and surrendering their sexuality to Him that I callously celebrated the end of relationships that broke your heart. I am sorry that I have communicated that you and your families are less than me and mine. More than anything, I am sorry that so many have interpreted this religious rejection by Christians as God’s rejection. I am profoundly sorry that many have walked away from their faith and that some have chosen to end their lives. For the rest of my life I will proclaim nothing but the whole truth of the Gospel, one of grace, mercy, and open invitation to all to enter into an inseverable relationship with almighty God.” Right fucking on, Alan Chambers, and may God have mercy on your soul.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15

ut it wasn’t all bad news, as evidenced by the three happiest Last Days items of the year (one of which nevertheless involves a kid with cancer, but c’est la vie).

FRIDAY, MARCH 1 The site of today’s good news: Boston’s Emerson College, where members of the Phi Alpha Tau fraternity are warming hearts and exploding stereotypes with their quest to help pay for a transgender frat brother’s surgery. As CNN reported yesterday, 20-year-old sophomore Donnie Collins had only recently joined Phi Alpha Tau—described on its website as a “professional communicative arts fraternity”—when he learned that his insurance company “declined to cover surgery to remove breast tissue to flatten his chest.” When Collins’s brothers at Phi Alpha Tau heard the news, they launched an online campaign to raise the $8,100 needed for the procedure. They brought in almost $16,000, with the surplus funds going to the transassisting Jim Collins Foundation.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19 Today brings some shocking progress, thanks to Exodus International, the “Christian ministry” that’s spent the past 37 years trying to convince the world that homosexual attraction is a psycho-spiritual affliction that can be overcome through prayer. In the 21st century, Exodus existed mostly as a punch line, thanks to the parade of “ex-gay” spokespeople who steadily reverted back to their natural gay state. (Being “ex-gay” is like riding a unicycle—with focus and practice, you can do it, but it’s constant

The week ends in San Francisco, where today a wondrous number of citizens joined forces to help one sick kid and make a million other people weep at the kindness of strangers. At the center of the story: a 5-year-old boy named Miles, who’s been battling acute lymphoblastic leukemia since he was 20 months old and was recently granted a wish by the Make-A-Wish Foundation. “He wanted to be Batman ,” said Patricia Wilson, the Make-AWish Foundation’s Bay Area executive director, to the San Francisco Chronicle. To make Miles’s dream a reality, Wilson put out a call for volunteers to help turn San Francisco into Gotham City, and was met with an avalanche of enthusiasm that soon went viral. Which brings us to today, when Batkid Miles fought crime in a San Francisco that brought the fucking ruckus, from police chief Greg Suhr issuing Commissioner Gordon–esque calls for Batkid’s help to the thousands of fans who lined the streets. Thank you, San Francisco. We needed that.

Rest in peace, 2013’s dead, including but not limited to James Gandolfini, Roger Ebert, Cheryl Chow, Marcia Wallace, and Lou Reed. Everyone else, send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

People are nuts at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

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NEWS Regrettable Moments of 2013

A Retrospective of What Made Us Collectively Cringe Last Year

BY STRANGER STAFF

Regrettable moments in our personal lives can make us feel isolated, but the moments that bring us together are those that we as a society can regret together. In that spirit,

here are Seattle’s most regrettable news events of 2013.

• Last April, former city council member Richard Conlin imported a crew of “happiness experts” from New York City for his Happiness Initiative, which was supposed to—no joke—“make Seattle happy.” It culminated in an event at City Hall that four people attended (regrettably, our reporters were two of them). The centerpiece was a board covered in sticky notes that featured things that make Seattle happy: “crab pot,” “beautiful men,” and “Starbucks samples.” Because free food and eye candy—not living wages or affordable housing—are the keys to happiness. Conlin was not reelected by voters, a pain that

he cured by gawking at Chippendale dancers and chugging free two-ounce samples of Mocha Frappuccino.

• Speaking of Starbucks, remember the Starbucks store that fired a part-time employee on food stamps for allegedly taking a day-old breakfast sandwich out of the trash? (We shit you not.) Or there’s the Subway franchise owner who fired Carlos Hernandez, a strike leader fighting for a $15-an-hour minimum wage, for allegedly giving a free cookie to a child? (Still not shitting you.)

• All year long, the Seattle Times editorial page was a clown car of idiocy. For example, on August 23, editorial columnist Bruce Ramsey

“burst out laughing” at Chelsea Manning’s coming out as transgender. Since then, Ramsey announced his “retirement.” The following month, the board said that the problem with downtown, where crime was down or steady overall, was people’s feelings. “Perception is more damaging than data,” they insisted, because emotions are more important than facts! That seemed to be a theme:

All

year long, the Seattle Times editorial page was a clown car of idiocy.

On November 1, editorial board member Sharon Pian Chan illustrated the negative impact Sea-Tac’s $15 minimum wage would have on immigrantowned businesses by citing the Quality Inn Sea-Tac. But it turns out that hotel would be exempt from Prop 1’s provisions. Whoops!

• In 2013, we regrettably witnessed the death of the Washington Dream Act (reforming immigration policy), the Voting Rights Act (empowering voters of color), and the Reproductive Parity Act (requiring equal coverage for maternity care and abortions). Why?

State senator Rodney Tom—a Democrat who joined Republicans and became the majority leader—let all those bills die on the senate floor. Thanks, Mr. Tom.

WETHINKCAPITOLHILLCOULDUSEMORE

Magic: the Gathering Mondays and Fridays from 6 p m to midnight.

• Even Jesus regrets that Mars Hill Church issued a statement last January celebrating a new parish’s proximity to a hotbed of AIDS. As Pastor Tim Gaydos put it in an e-mail, “Being closer to Capitol Hill is a blessing as we are serving and ministering to those who are infected with AIDS on the hill.” Asked what sort of HIV/AIDS outreach they were doing, church spokesman Justin Dean explained that congregants intended to teach the gay neighborhood’s “AIDS victims” about Jesus and the congregation was “at the beginning stages of volunteering with the Lifelong AIDS Alliance.” But it turned out Mars Hill Church hadn’t filled out any volunteer application forms or undergone a screening process to affiliate itself with Lifelong AIDS Alliance. Not only was that regrettable, it’s regrettable that the church—which doesn’t allow gay members—thinks people can only find salvation in their deceitful rhetoric, bigotry, and misappropriation of Jesus to control their cultish society and promote their repressive political agenda.

• In March, the Catholic-affiliated St. Anthony’s Hospital in Gig Harbor called police on a patient because a nurse smelled marijuana. Mind you, it was legal for the man, Matthew Zimmerman, to possess marijuana. In response to the experience, which Zimmerman called “upsetting and embarrassing,” the hospital issued a non-apology, promising to “investigat[e] the situation further so we can ensure that future situations are handled in the best and most compassionate way

possible.” Which is to say, they couldn’t even get their confession right, which is especially regrettable for Catholics.

• We’re still cringing over the news coverage of socialist and newly elected council member Kshama Sawant, who is from India. KING 5’s Linda Brill had a ham-fisted interview with Sawant, in which she offered gems like “What caste were you?” and “Will you end your sentences more quickly? ’Cause you are a talker.” Then there was PubliCola reporter Erica C. Barnett calling Sawant a “class traitor” who couldn’t possibly be a real socialist because her estranged husband works for Microsoft. Because a female candidate is judged on her husband’s job? Yeesh.

• You know what else is regrettable? Lying to battered women to get a political edge. So it was particularly awful when ads from a PAC promoting Ed Murray’s mayoral candidacy claimed the city’s domestic violence office had been shut down. As DV experts attested, this sent a dangerous message to abused women: There’s no help for you. But the office wasn’t actually shut down, just renamed, and the rise of DV prosecutions cited in the ad was largely the result of stronger laws to prosecute abusers. In fact, under Mayor Mike McGinn, funding for the office that helps abused women increased. This smear was regrettable for everyone, particularly abused women who may not have sought help that was actually waiting for them.

What They Really Think of Us

Subjects of The Stranger’s News Coverage Regret The Stranger

Fifty-one weeks of the year, we publish our feckless opinions. Respectable elected officials, well-intentioned neighborhood activists, and over-boiled cabbage heads—we’ve disagreed with them all. But for the first issue of the year, we’re letting them voice their opinions about us.

Most refused to participate.

For instance, failed mayoral candidate Peter Steinbrueck—who we said had a vision for Seattle that was “the mid-1970s”—told us he’s “not interested.” Another mayoral candidate, Kate Martin, was apparently still furious that we didn’t invite her to an endorsement interview. “The thing is, I put The Stranger in a category of newspapers that I can not in any way support even with my readership,” said Martin (we broke the news of her candidacy back when she felt differently). “I’ve stopped picking it up and stopped reading it online.” But a few others did muster up their regrets.

Bill Bradburd, chair of the Seattle Neighborhood Coalition, has tried to stop the proliferation of microhousing (aka aPodments, the tiny, affordable apartments that Stranger news editor Dominic Holden lervz). Says Bradburd:

While The Stranger’s support for district elections was somewhat tepid and their opposition to Peter Steinbrueck bizarrely irrational, it was beautifully countervailed by their vitriolic feelings for King Richard [Conlin] and frenzied support for Kshama Sawant. The sea change this election represents for the future of this city has me elated. My only regret is that I didn’t get to burn a fatty with Dominic in an aPodment while it was still illegal.

“I

We wrote lots of, um, blunt things about state senate majority leader Rodney Tom after he defected from the Democrats, thereby handing de facto control of the state senate to the Republicans. But rather than slap us back, Tom turns the other cheek. Here is Tom’s regret from his spokeswoman, Carrie Shaw: Deeds speak louder than words, according to senate majority leader Rodney Tom, pointing to the remarkable record put together by the new Senate Majority Coalition Caucus in

2013: an unprecedented $1 billion boost in funding for K–12 education, the first college-tuition freeze in nearly three decades, a sustainable new state budget that was balanced without a general tax increase, and keeping our promise with taxpayers that temporary taxes are just that, temporary. Despite predictions of chaos in Olympia, the final budget passed 44–4, a modern-day record for bipartisan cooperation. Tom regrets that when it comes to governing cooperatively, the “other Washington” has yet to catch up with the state senate.

Seattle city attorney Pete Holmes regrets that The Stranger opposed his effort to require a $50 fine for smoking pot in public (Seattle City Council member Nick Licata passed a $27 fine instead). Holmes regrets our coverage, but he does not regret puns:

As a churchgoing Catholic (and an occasional student of Slog Bible Study), I am mindful of Exodus 23:9: “You shall not oppress the stranger, for you know the soul of the stranger, having been strangers in the land of Egypt.” Mindful of this, I will refrain from oppressing The Stranger, but I nevertheless politely suggest that The Stranger may regret implying that I’m some sort of anti-pot prosecutor for supporting issuing tickets to public marijuana smokers. I simply want to take the high road, bring everyone together for a joint meeting, hash it out, be blunt, stay out of the weeds, address any budding disputes, and prevent these chronic issues from letting our hard work on ending marijuana prohibition go up in smoke.

Kimberly Mills, the communications director for Pete Holmes, who’s known for her dedication to her boss, regrets that she can’t jettison Dominic Holden out of town:

As Pete Holmes’s communications director, I regret that The Stranger didn’t ask me what I regret. If I’d been so honored, I would say I regret I couldn’t raise enough money through Kickstarter to pay Dominic’s moving expenses to a city that’s less progressive, thereby giving him even more opportunity to pen screeds against elected officials.

Tell us how regrettable we are at THESTRANGER.COM/NEWS

WE REGRET THESE ERRORS

In the January 16, 2013 issue of The Stranger, we criticized “the FAA’s pointless and humiliating security theater.” We meant to criticize TSA’s pointless and humiliating security theater. We regret the error.

In the March 6 issue of The Stranger, we ran a Stranger Suggest for the film West of Memphis, which hadn’t even opened yet. We regret the error.

In our recent winter edition of A&P, the art and performance quarterly produced by The Stranger, we erroneously omitted the entire entry for ACT Theatre from our ostensibly comprehensive performance calendar. We are still not sure how this happened, although we unanimously blame the newest member of our editorial department, Krishanu Ray.

Krishanu Ray, The Stranger’s recently hired calendar editor, would like to take a moment to name-check some of ACT’s upcoming program, which is delightful and hardly worthy of omission from any arts publication. It includes 14/48: The World’s Quickest Theater Festival, in which theater-makers write, rehearse, and perform 14 new short plays in 48 hours (January 10 through 18); Red Tiger Tales, featuring the UMO Ensemble performing Buddhist and Sufi folktales with puppetry and masks (January 31 through February 1); Nirvanov, a mashup between Chekov’s Ivanov and the life of Kurt Cobain, presented by Balagan Theater (February 27 through March 16); and Little Shop of Horrors a coproduction with the 5th Avenue

RROOR R RS

Theatre and, incidentally, Krishanu Ray’s favorite musical of all time (March 8 through June 15). If you’d like to see ACT’s full schedule, go to acttheatre. org. If you’d like to give Krishanu Ray shit, e-mail him at kray@thestranger. com.

On a related point, Krishanu Ray, calendar editor at The Stranger, regrets that despite his position and its responsibilities, he has never had a terribly good grasp of time, scheduling, cardinal directions, balance, or space-time orientation in any of its many manifestations.

In the July 17 issue of The Stranger we referred to the band Vitamin Baby Slaughter as Baby Vitamin Slaughter. We regret the error.

In the October 2 issue of The Stranger, we misspelled staff photographer Kelly O’s name in a photo credit. Kind of hard to imagine how to fuck up spelling “Kelly O,” but we did.

In an October 18 Slog post linking to a description of prehistoric creatures with small braincases, big teeth, and long faces, Dominic Holden, news editor at The Stranger, misspelled a former senator’s name by writing “Early Humans Looked a Lot Like Slade Gordon.” The correct spelling is Gorton, like the fish sticks. Mr. Holden regrets the error. He also regrets Slade Gorton.

Anna Minard, a Stranger staff writer who currently covers city hall, deeply regrets that she has, on at least two occasions,

mentioned city council members’ names in bed—not in a dirty way, but still, while she was trying to fall asleep—which is just about the saddest and creepiest thing she can think of.

Stranger food critic Bethany Jean Clement deeply regrets the closure of Capitol Hill dive bar/neo-old-English masterpiece the Canterbury. She grew up nine blocks from it, and she has been drawn to its castle-like exterior ever since she can remember, and as a child she was told it was for grown-ups only, which only made her want to go there more, and when she finally could go, it was that rare thing that exceeds hopes in such a dramatic way that the pleasure never goes away, like an old friend you can visit any time who, like you, has a thing for Chaucer but never talks about it. The suit of armor inside, which used to hold a sign that said “Seat thyself!” The beams! The fireplace! The kingly wooden chairs! The shuffleboard! The cheap liquor! The bad-but-good foodservice chicken strips! (Did you know that world-famous chef Jerry Traunfeld, formerly of the Herbfarm and now of Poppy, had his first cooking job at the Canterbury? It’s true. Also, the Canterbury is supposedly haunted, which is absolutely believable.) Ms. Clement understands that the bar will reopen, and the new owners say it’s not really going to change, but it will doubtless be cleaner, and it will never be the same.

The management of the Goodrich Capital 8 movie theater in Jefferson City, Missouri, regrets inviting actors with dark clothes, body armor, and guns to show up to an Iron Man movie as a publicity stunt, just 10 months after a man with dark clothes, body armor, and guns shot 70 people at a Batman movie in Aurora, Colorado, killing 12.

Christopher Frizzelle, editor in chief of The Stranger, regrets publishing a poll on Slog on October 17 about whether staffer Brendan Kiley should be killed and eaten. All the management books unambiguously say you shouldn’t leave the murdering of an employee up to a public vote.

In the March 20 issue of The Stranger, books editor Paul Constant accidentally referred to poet Heather Christle as Heather Christie. We regret the error, although, in Mr. Constant’s defense, “Christle” is a crazy last name.

Kelly O, staff photographer at The Stranger, regrets that she doesn’t own a car, because one of her favorite things to do is drive aimlessly around Seattle on Sunday evenings listening to Larry Mizell Jr.’s weekly Street Sounds show on KEXP. Cienna Madrid, staff writer at The Stranger , regrets not being able to identify where the Philippines is on a map, but she says give it 10 years and it won’t be on any maps.

The world-famous Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, promised Christopher Frizzelle, the relatively unknown editor in chief of The Stranger that he would write a 2,500-word feature about air travel—something Mr. Savage knows a great deal about (there’s a melting ice cap in the arctic named after Mr. Savage to call attention to his carbon footprint)—during a 15-hour flight to Seattle from Sydney, Australia. Mr. Savage did not write that feature. Instead, Mr. Savage ate a pot cookie and watched The Sting, All About Eve, and The Great Gatsby on the in-flight entertainment system, ate a large meal, and promptly fell asleep in his first-class flatbed seat. Mr. Savage does not regret this. Would you? Would anyone?

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger , regrets eating one of Dan Savage’s pot cookies and ending up at QFC for two hours. Have you ever really looked at the candle section there? Or the art supplies?

In an August 26 Stranger Suggests item for Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine Stranger film editor David Schmader mentioned supporting actor Andrew Dice Clay, “who might very well find himself nominated for an Oscar.” In fact, Clay’s performance is impressive mostly

I Regret the New Pope

BY GOD

This guy. This fucking guy. Who does this Francis think he is? He’s supposed to be My word on earth, and instead he’s pumping out 90-page letters whining about how the “idolatry of money” is a “new tyranny”? He’s complaining about “unfettered capitalism”? Capitalism was My idea! Is he, like, a Marxist or something? Get a load of this namby-pamby horseshit:

“How can it be that it is not a news item when an elderly homeless person dies of exposure, but it is news when the stock market loses two points?”

Uh, because the stock market contributes to the wealth of millions of people all over the planet, but an elderly homeless person contributes exactly NOTHING to anyone who matters, maybe? Ya think?

The pope is supposed to do My work. What happened? I liked the last guy. Maybe it’s just ’cause he was German, but he really knew how to follow orders. Look, it’s real simple: The poor can go fuck themselves. They didn’t build anything, so they don’t get anything. It’s just math.

And don’t even get me started on Obamacare. Can’t afford to get sick? Don’t get sick, jackass! I’ve been sending Francis messages nonstop—sorry about that, Philippines, I got a little overexcited that time—but he’s flat-out ignoring all of them. Can one of you nitwits pass on a note for me? Here it is: “Lay… the… fuck… off the commie talk.” Otherwise, I’ll have to start looking for a new pope, if you catch my drift. I’m torn between Rush Limbaugh and the Donald this time. Now, those guys? Those are two guys who know what’s what.

because it’s coming from Andrew Dice Clay, a terrible comedian who manages a good film performance, but there’s no way Oscar’s getting involved in any of this. We regret the error.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets inheriting genes from his mother’s side of the family that cause the skin on his fingers to split, especially during colder months, making it painful to do the dishes. Mr. Kiley further suggests that anyone suffering from the same condition try O’Keeffe’s Working Hands cream, which can be found in small green tins at most hardware stores. It works even better than Bag Balm and is much less greasy, so you don’t have to sit around with your hands in the air for a half an hour, waiting for them to dry.

In a May 24 Slog post, Stranger news writer Goldy celebrated the fact that nobody died when an Interstate 5 highway bridge “plummeted 120 feet” into the Skagit River below. The bridge plummeted only 40 feet. Goldy regrets the error. Though he mostly regrets that Slog commenters dickishly accused him of “sensationalizing” the bridge collapse instead of, you know, just getting a number wrong.

On a related note, the I-5 Skagit River Bridge regrets that everybody remembers it for one little 40-foot collapse rather than its years of faithful service.

In the April 3 installment of Loose Lips, The Stranger’s arts gossip column, Jen

Graves, who has formal training as a classical music critic, confused a Wagner tuba with a tuba tuba. A Wagner tuba is more like a French horn. We regret the error.

In a July 17 article concerning our endorsements for the August 6 primary election, Stranger news editor Dominic Holden wrote that Goodspaceguy Nelson, a perennial candidate for King County executive, wants to colonize the moon and is “delightfully batshit.” Goodspaceguy Nelson did not take issue with “batshit,” though he did implore us to stop referring to him as Goodspaceguy Nelson and only and always refer to him as simply Goodspaceguy. Goodspaceguy further elaborated that he does not want to colonize the moon and thinks that colonizing the moon is a stupid idea. “I am an advocate of colonizing orbital space, which would be much more healthy than colonizing the moon,” he clarified, adding that “in orbital space, we can rotate the space colony to create one gravity, which humans need for health, but on the moon, the gravity level is one-sixth of the earth’s gravity, which is very unhealthy for humans.” Got it?

Stranger music writer Dave Segal regrets trying to hold a DJ night devoted to African music on Easter Sunday. He and two other DJs attempted this quixotic mission at Electric Tea Garden (RIP) and attracted exactly zero (0) people. Jesus, what a cold town this can be.

Stranger staff writer Anna Minard sorely regrets that a pipe in the ceiling of her apartment building recently burst, pouring water through the walls and turning ceiling light fixtures into giant faucets, which quickly filled the apartment with multiple inches of cold water on a very cold day, destroying countless possessions and leaving her and her roommates slightly traumatized and basically homeless for the holidays.

Stranger staff writer Anna Minard further regrets not having renter’s insurance. Whoops.

Most importantly, Stranger staff writer Anna Minard regrets that there is no possible way to adequately thank the Seattle Fire Department for arriving as quickly as they did, making the ceiling stop raining, making the awful alarms stop, making sure everyone was okay, then patiently and kindly squeegeeing and vacuuming up as much water as they could from the floors before going to their next emergency. Ms. Minard and her roommates never knew they could love complete strangers so much or feel that depth of gratitude so instantly. Really: Thank you, guys.

In his review of the Jason Statham movie Homefront, Paul Constant referred to Gary Fleder as a “first-time director.” This is ridiculous: Fleder has directed many forgettable films. We regret the error.

Charles Mudede, a realist at The Stranger regrets that the powerful jets of the Blue Angels did not this year make nonsense of the sky above our dearly treasured liberal illusions.

Bethany Jean Clement, The Stranger’s food critic, regrets that while the first 2,047 words of her 2,126-word article on soup in the November 27 issue were typo-free, the 2,048th word was misspelled “boyrfiend.” She further regrets that the typo turned what was meant to be a moment of tender recollection into something that seems to be about a fresh and especially awful kind of monster (a “boyrfiend”—no one wants one of those). The typo was introduced by someone else at the layout stage, and yet Ms. Clement still had a chance to catch it before it went to the printer, if only Ms. Clement had not failed to see it. Adding insult to injury, every time Ms. Clement types “boyrfiend,” Microsoft Word auto-corrects it, as if to point out yet again what a stupid typo it is.

Stranger theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets that another year has slipped past without him writing a lengthy, sure-to-be-controversial apologia for the oeuvre of Jimmy Buffett.

On a related point, the entire rest of the editorial staff of The Stranger does not regret that Mr. Kiley has yet to write his lengthy, sure-to-be-controversial apologia for the oeuvre of Jimmy Buffett, because shut up already.

In the August 7 issue of The Stranger we mixed up the band Blooper’s records Long Distance and Go Away We regret the error.

Seattle Times editorial board member

Bruce Ramsey regrets that after writing he “burst out laughing” at Chelsea Manning for having undergone a gender transition, worn makeup, and donned a wig, Ramsey had to post a “clarification” responding to accusations he was “a bigoted person.” “I was not making fun of transgendered people as such,” Ramsey said, even though writing that you “burst out laughing” at someone’s sex change is the definition of making fun of a transgender person.

In the August 28 issue of The Stranger, Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger , regrets “misspelling” song “Yung Lean” as “Young Lean” in a piece on Kendrick Lamar that required her to interview teens at the Southcenter Mall. Ms. Nokes also regrets the amount of money she spent that day on gummy-bear bracelets, glow-in-the-dark leggings, and food-court chow mein.

During a live broadcast on a nationally televised news program in Australia, Dan Savage, author of American Savage, which was published by Dutton in 2013, mentioned that he gives great

I Regret That The Stranger Called Me “Thin-Skinned”

BY SEATTLE MAYOR ED MURRAY

During the campaign, my consultants took away my Twitter and Facebook access and barred me from reading The Stranger, but now that I’m mayor I can do as I please. My handlers were afraid that I would react rashly to the many personal attacks launched my way, but scrolling through the Slog archives, I don’t see what the big deal was.

For example, on July 23, Goldy wrote that he would not vote for me because I am “thin-skinned.” Thin-skinned? Really? Is that the best you can throw at me? Besides, it’s not even true.

My skin isn’t thin—it is thick and supple like a well-marbled pork belly.

True story: Once, during a rousing rendition of “You Can’t Get a Man with a Gun” at our weekly legislative session karaoke night, Senator Pam Roach accidentally let off a shot from the Glock 19 she keeps in her purse. Hit me square in the cheek. Didn’t leave a mark. Never found the bullet.

How’s that for thin-skinned?

As for the rest of the feeble barbs tossed my way by Stranger staff—the accusations of being “inflexible” and “disingenuous” and of having “enormous” eyes “like a weepy deer” (yes, I know you were tweeting about me, Anna, and I have a fucking thyroid condition)—well, enjoy sucking an ex-mayor’s cock for a change. My communications director makes more than all of you combined, and he’s got standing instructions from the motherfucking mayor to tell you all to go fuck yourselves up your asses with a rolled-up Weekly. This is my city now, and my face eats bullets, motherfuckers. And if you call me “thinskinned” one more time, I’ll burn you to the fucking ground.

blowjobs. Mr. Savage was sitting on a stage in front 3,000 people in the Sydney Opera House when he mentioned this, and millions more were watching at home. In defense of the remark—which is not presented here in its original context—it was amusing and it has the benefit of being the truth. Mr. Savage does not regret it.

Cienna Madrid, a Stranger staff writer, regrets that she used the word “pedantic” wrong in a review of Katy Perry’s new album, Prism. Turns out Ms. Madrid doesn’t know what the word “pedantic” means. If she did, Ms. Madrid would know Perry’s lyrics are anything but pedantic.

Kale chips regret that they are not more delicious.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley normally considers himself a responsible borrower, but regrets that a handsome copy of An Annotated Christmas Carol loaned to him by actor Ian Bell (who regularly appears in ACT Theatre’s A Christmas Carol) in the winter of 2011, is still sitting on the bookshelf near the front door of Mr. Kiley’s apartment. He only notices the book at impractical times (welcoming a guest, for example) and never when he could actually take steps to return it to its owner.

Food that is actually delicious regrets the overuse of the word “delicious.” There are other adjectives out there. Also, time regrets the cutesy and ironically ungrammatical use of “times” (happy times, sexy times, sad times, ad nauseam), nouns regret their abandonment in favor of describing everything as “a thing,” and conjunctions resent “because” for its recent promotion to the status of preposition (because internet).

David Schmader, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets every time he rejected the phrase “the N-word” as too babyish and coddling and spelled out the actual word. Even in “the proper context,” even in a quote, the full word releases a stink that overwhelms all other aspects of communication, making the imperfect “N-word” forever preferable.

Jen Graves, The Stranger’s art critic, regrets that people who love art and live outside Seattle still probably don’t know the names of any Seattle artists who aren’t millionaires or Holocaust revisionists.

In a February Slog post, Dominic Holden, news editor at The Stranger, argued that cyclists who also drive cars should have to pay their fair share of “gay taxes.” Mr. Holden meant “gas taxes,” of course, because if gay taxes were a thing, Mr. Holden would be broke.

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede regrets watching 10 minutes of a 20-minute episode of Duck Dynasty Mr. Mudede would do anything to have that experience erased from his memory.

Staff writer Cienna Madrid regrets that more people haven’t read cartoonist Peter Bagge’s illustrated biography of pioneer birth-control advocate Margaret Sanger, Woman Rebel, because it is beautiful and fascinating and funny.

Bethany Jean Clement, The Stranger’s food critic, regrets that in her October 2 piece “Coffee and Mars Hill: The Story Behind Storyville,” she gave the name of the previous occupant of the Storyville Coffee space as “Shea Chez.” She knows perfectly well that it is/was Chez Shea; she had a cold and was on a bunch of cracklike Sudafed at the time, but that’s no excuse. What Ms. Clement regrets way, way more is that people who didn’t read her story might go spend money at Storyville Coffee, and even think it’s kind of a nice place, when the owners of Storyville are heavily involved with neo-evangelical, homophobic, misogynist Mars Hill Church.

Dan Savage, author of Savage Love, a widely syndicated sex-advice column, got a letter in March from an 18-year-old college student who indicated that his parents “grew up” reading Mr. Savage’s column. The letter writer stated that he “felt weird” about asking “his parents’ advice columnist” for oral sex tips. The young man’s real name and the name of his college were both included in the e-mail. Mr. Savage had the young man killed. Mr. Savage does not regret this homicide.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets to inform musicians and bands that if they really want to GET THEIR SHOW WRITTEN ABOUT, DAMNIT, then it’s always a good idea to have literally any other way to access their music online than a MySpace account. No one in the world has enough time to wait for that shit to open.

Krishanu Ray, The Stranger’s calendar editor, regrets that it took him so long to learn to use the Oxford comma. Perhaps Mr. Ray thought that a newspaper would be interested in conserving space and was confused, baffled, and perplexed to find articles so liberally seasoned with dots and dashes.

It should be noted, in a related matter, that Krishanu Ray, calendar editor at The Stranger, has consistently scored below the acceptable range in the “Punctuation and Capitalization” portions of most standardized tests.

~ · krishanu ray calendar editor at the stranger regrets that punctuation and capitalization are used at all and considers them a quaint relic of the past which shall soon be wholly discarded and forgotten · ~

In the August 21 issue of The Stranger, we called Ugly Duckling Presse Ugly Ducking Presse. We regret the error.

Staff photographer Kelly O regrets that more people don’t show up to be photographed at the Stranger offices like Alex of the band Country Lips did—wearing assless chaps and thong underwear designed to look like a horse’s head.

The Stranger regrets the following illstyled band names, regardless of their musical merit: fun., Sun O))), Ke$ha, Will.i.am, of Montreal, clipping., tUnEyArDs, !!!, , Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Chvrches, Panic! at the Disco, ? and the Mysterians, à;GRUMH, A$AP Rocky, the (International) Noise Conspiracy, the Go! Team, Portugal. the Man, and AC [lightning bolt] DC.

David Schmader, associate editor of The Stranger, regrets that there is not yet a sex tape, or at least a hilarious porn parody, featuring those two smartmouthed guys sitting together in a car in Sonic commercials.

In his review of Rain Shadow Meats Squared, Stranger staffer Paul Constant wrote: “Diners idly chew ham sandwiches even as they watch men with impressive forearms cut into slabs

It Looks Like You’re Apologizing for Being Racist! Would You Like Help?

BY PICKY, THE ANTHROPOMORPHIZED AFRO PICK

Hello there! I couldn’t help but notice that it looks like you’re writing a blog post responding to people who called you racist. Would you like help? Are you sure? Really? I’m pretty sure you need help. A whole lot of white folks this year tried to argue with charges of racism, and exactly zero of them succeeded. I’m talking about people like cartoonist Ted Rall, UK politician John Mac Canna, reality star Brandi Glanville, and even Paula Deen. Are you really, really sure you don’t want my help?

Look, let me just give you a couple of pointers, okay?

1. Don’t tell us you’re not racist. Racism isn’t an either-or proposition. It’s complicated. Racism isn’t always intentional. Racism is not always active. Racism can be about perception, and someone else’s perception is out of your control. It’s not a simple yes or no, and immediately denying your own racism throws your entire argument into doubt.

2. For the love of Christ, using the “some of my best friends/coworkers are black” argument is a terrible decision. Guess what? Arguing that nobody of a certain race should be offended because you know one or two members of a certain race who aren’t offended? That’s racist.

3. It’s better to start a conversation than to make a statement.

I know this isn’t an easy thing to hear, and I know that nuanced discussions about race don’t make white people comfortable. This isn’t easy. I know a thing or two about fraught depictions of race: I’m an anthropomorphized Afro pick, for God’s sake! Just keep in mind as you write this thing: There’s no one right answer, and we’re all making it up as we go along. Everybody makes mistakes. And most importantly, being humble doesn’t cost anything, and it often gets great results. Good luck, honky!

Don’t show me this tip again

pork with big butcher knives.” Rain

both male and female butchers, and this was a chauvinistic case of gender assumption on Mr. Constant’s part. You’d think Mr. Constant would be sensitive to gender assumption considering Charles Mudede tells him all the time that he’s not a man.

Stranger editor in chief Christopher Frizzelle deeply regrets, more than you will ever know, his erstwhile habit of cleaning wax out of his ears with the long skinny point of the removable cap of a Bic pen

(you know, the part that functions as a clip for holding a pen to the edge of a pocket). Mr. Frizzelle used to idly clean his ears with production department pens while signing off on pages as they went to the printer, much to the vexation of managing editor Bethany Jean Clement, who practices perfect hygiene. As Mr. Frizzelle and Ms. Clement were preparing last year’s Regrets Issue for the printer, Mr. Frizzelle began to complain of a vague ache in his ear. By New Year’s Eve, the pain was such that it felt like an airplane was slam-

Puzzle Break

ming into that side of Mr. Frizzelle’s head every five minutes or so, the hurt radiating sideways across his cranium. In the ensuing year, Mr. Frizzelle has visited no fewer than three ear doctors, each more baffled than the last by the mixed infection just beyond Mr. Frizzelle’s perforated eardrum. After five months of treatments solved the bacterial and fungal issues, Mr. Frizzelle underwent skin-graft surgery on his eardrum, a procedure that required (owing to the hole’s placement) removing and then reattaching Mr. Frizzelle’s ear. For reasons perplexing to the medical community, the graft did not fully take, leaving Mr. Frizzelle a pinhole through which he now hears a constant noise he can only describe as a “glistening” sound, even though writers and doctors alike have pointed out he’s using the word incorrectly.

Seattle City Council member Tom Rasmussen regrets that platform shoes were a fad that faded in the 1970s.

Former Seattle Pacific University president Philip W. Eaton should regret an op-ed he wrote this fall for the Seattle Times about “gum spots” turning downtown into a crime-ridden dystopia. With regard to that editorial, Dominic Holden, news editor of The Stranger , called Mr. Eaton an “uninformed blowhard,” which an anonymous blog commenter regretted. That anonymous commenter went on to insult Mr. Holden, saying, “You, with your high-school diploma, is calling someone who probably has an IQ much, much higher than you, an ‘uniformed blowhard’?” Mr. Holden, in turn, regretted that he doesn’t even have a high-school diploma to be so proud of.

In the August 28 issue of The Stranger, we regrettably listed the film Cutie and the Boxer as playing at the Varsity Theatre on one page and at the Seven Gables Theatre on the next. Shockingly, this one wasn’t Krishanu Ray’s fault, though we blame him anyway.

I Regret Nothing

BY TORONTO MAYOR ROB FORD

WIn a Stranger Suggests blurb from June 21 about the saxophonist Colin Stetson, music staffer Dave Segal implied that the saxophone is a brass instrument; it is in fact a woodwind. Mr. Segal regrets blowing it.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets that it took him more than a month to sit down and transcribe his October 26 interview with Javier Sicilia, the Mexican writer and activist who, after his son was killed by narcos in 2011, galvanized the country with mass marches to Mexico City to protest the drug war, government corruption, money laundering, and the black-market gun trade. Mr. Kiley also regrets that he chickened out of asking Sicilia and his fellow activist Teresa Carmona (whose son was also murdered by narcos) a difficult question about why people often wait until a personal tragedy to take action against some perceived injustice. Asking the question would’ve suggested that the grieving parents were somehow at fault, which would’ve been monstrous—but Mr. Kiley is curious about people’s thresholds for action, and who better to talk about that than those two? Still, even thinking about asking the question made Mr. Kiley feel like a sociopath.

In the March 27 issue of The Stranger we said the (great) restaurant Gastropod is located in Georgetown. In fact, it is in Sodo. We regret the error.

In an article in The Stranger’s marijuana guide—of course it was in the marijuana guide—Dominic Holden, news editor of The Stranger , referred to “layers” in court. Mr. Holden meant, of course, “lawyers.” We regret that proofreading and marijuana don’t mix.

Stranger associate editor Charles Mudede totally regrets exposing the limits of his knowledge of jazz history by stating in the June 19 issue that the famous jazz tune “But Beautiful” was composed/ written by Gregory Porter. It wasn’t. It was composed by Jimmy Van Heusen and written by Johnny Burke. Both Heusen and Burke died a long time ago. Porter is still alive and not at all old. We regret Charles Mudede.

In the November 27 issue of The Stranger , we regrettably ran show

hat the hell do I have to regret? I’m a fucking awesome mayor—elected by the great people of Toronto and never missed a day of work in my life. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes like everybody else. Maybe sometimes I buy illegal drugs and drive drunk and smoke crack on videotape and then lie strenuously about never smoking crack on videotape until eventually I have to admit that, yes, of course I smoked crack on videotape, explaining that I only did it because I was in a drunken stupor. I never said I was perfect! Maybe you are, but I’m not! I’m a flesh-and-blood mayor, and I’ll be goddamned if I let the treasonous fucks on the city council ignore the will of the great Toronto electorate. They will pry this “Mayor” sash from my cold, dead corpse! As I was saying, I’m only human. That means I’m not perfect. And I bet you aren’t either. So who are you to judge me? Tell you what—if you’re lucky enough to reach the end of your life without drunken-stupor crack-smoking, or bragging about eating your wife’s pussy at a press conference and then apologizing about using the phrase “eat pussy” at a follow-up press conference, or being caught on video ranting drunkenly about someone you want to kill, or knocking over a councilwoman during a City Hall freak-out and splitting her lip, THEN you can judge me! Until that day, I’ll bask in a mayoral job well done, and you can kiss my crack-smoking ass!

listings for Sunday, November 31, a date that didn’t exist. This resulted in us being off-kilter for the next two days of shows as well.

Cienna Madrid, staff writer at The Stranger , regrets that her column pitches “Cienna’s Fucking the Mayor!” and “Burning Bridges with Cienna Madrid/Building Bridges with Anna Minard” were never used.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger regrets that freelancer Cate McGehee’s last name was misspelled “McGhee” in bold type in Ms. McGehee’s very first (and very wonderful) feature in print.

In the November 6 issue of The Stranger, we called the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court the Federal International Surveillance Court. Just, like, making shit up there. We regret the error.

Contrary to what you may have read in The Stranger’s food issue, Cheftown, on August 7, there never was a time when Ileen’s Sports Bar (now Julia’s) was the only place on Capitol Hill serving hard liquor. Jen Graves, who has been a professional journalist for nearly two decades, regrets taking the word of bartender/artist Joe Shlichta on this matter in an interview. Ileen’s Sports Bar was, rather, “the only place to go that had hard liquor at midnight when you were a twentysomething straight white male looking for a pretty lady,” Shlichta later clarified. Never believe a bartender/artist late at night.

Krishanu Ray, calendar editor at The

Stranger, regrets that there are so many people making art around town. Mr. Ray urges Seattle to consider the ergonomic simplicity of a city with only 10 artists, each of whom is legally restricted to one or (maybe) two projects a year.

Longtime Stranger critic and reporter Brendan Kiley regrets that he did not follow up more rigorously with the mystery man who, at the beginning of football season, called to say he ran a secret speakeasy-type club for Seahawks players who don’t want the hassle of clubbing in public. “They become targets,” the man said, for guys who want to seem tough by picking fights with Seahawks and their friends. The better the Seahawks are doing, the mystery man added, the more trouble they attract. The mystery man invited Mr. Kiley to visit the club one night, but Mr. Kiley punted the invitation to another game day, and soon the Seahawks were having an astronomically good season and the mystery man stopped returning calls. Mr. Kiley is still kicking himself for missing a golden opportunity to get to know pro football players outside their canned TV personalities (“We just want to go out there and play good football,” etc.), especially during an unexpectedly successful season.

The Stranger regrets that ontogeny does not recapitulate phylogeny.

In the 2013 SIFF Guide, we reported that Annemarie Jacir’s When I Saw You was the first feature film directed by a Palestinian woman, when in fact it was Jacir’s own Salt of this Sea from 2008. Duh.

Over the course of 2013, Dan Savage, editorial director of The Stranger, managed to attend only two editorial meetings. Mr. Savage does not regret his absence. When confronted by an angry member of the editorial staff, Mr. Savage offered that he is always “with you in spirit” and then sent an e-mail to Laurie Saito, the managing director or something or other of The Stranger and had that staff member’s employment terminated, his desk pulled to the ground, and the earth salted.

Stranger food critic Bethany Jean Clement regrets the failure of Yes on I-522—the initiative to require labeling of genetically modified foods in Washington—to run a candid campaign slamming the GMO agricultural-industrial complex that uses huge amounts of harmful pesticides, forces large-scale farmers to buy creepy GMO seeds that they cannot reuse the next year (contrary to the basis of farming since the dawn of time), forces those same farmers to buy mega-tons of specific name-brand pesticides, and so on and so forth. Everybody knew this was what the Yes on 522 people really wanted to say, but instead they ran a weak campaign about how we all deserve information about our food, which is not exactly a clarion call to action. They also failed to make good use of the many, many local chefs behind the labeling-of-GMOs movement, and further failed to make good use of the incredible sound bite that the corporate giants supporting No on 522 were Monsanto, DuPont Pioneer, Bayer CropScience, and Dow AgroSciences— the same companies who gave us DDT, PCBs, Agent Orange, and napalm. The No on 522 campaign was incredibly disingenuous as well, but if the Yes campaign had come out swinging, the damn thing might have passed.

Speaking of food, Jen Graves, The Stranger’s art critic, believes that gains in worker productivity over the last 20 years may be attributable to the widespread removal of seeds from fruit. The number of seeds remaining in tangerines is regrettable.

Kelly O regrets writing, in an article about horror films called “Satan, Scarecrows, and Skin,” that it was the character Julia running around wearing her dead husband’s skin in the movie Hellraiser. It was Frank! Ms. O has seen that damn movie too many times to get that wrong, and yet she got it wrong.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets needing to pass two construction sites on her walk to work, and how Ms. Nokes’s neon yellow hair regularly causes construction workers to yell “HEY!” and then point to their neon vests of the same color. When did they phase out the orange vests anyway?

As research for a December 11 article on how a $15 minimum wage might impact the price of fast food in Seattle, Stranger news writer Goldy purchased and ate a $1 hamburger at the Madison Street McDonald’s. He regrets the error.

Stranger music writer Dave Segal regrets the closing of the Comet Tavern and Electric Tea Garden. These two small, venerable venues offered welcoming environments for local/ national/international bands and DJs who messed with convention. They were stalwart champions of the rock and electronic undergrounds in a neighborhood that’s been skewing douche-bro-y of late.

Every day, Paul Constant regrets Facebook a little more. If Facebook died in a fire sometime in the coming year, Mr. Constant would not weep one little bit.

Anna Minard, a news reporter at The Stranger , regrets that a paragraph accompanying a piece she wrote on a state initiative said “average” when it should’ve said “median.” Some people argue the word “average” has come to cover mean, median, and/or mode, but deep down, Ms. Minard knows it was wrong. Hey, she didn’t caption the graph, but still: deepest apologies to math.

The Stranger regrets the closure of the Queen Anne Easy Street Records.

In a February article about candy, staff writer Cienna Madrid raved about the handmade red- and silver-foiled peppermint patties for sale at Caffe Vita, which she erroneously attributed to Jo’s Candies. In fact, they are Judy’s Peppermint Patties and they are no longer available at Vita. Big mistake, Vita.

Richard Conlin regrets not bothering to run for city council this year. He also regrets announcing his two-years-hence resignation from the council before he realized that he didn’t actually win the council seat he’d announced he would in two years be resigning from.

Stranger staffer Brendan Kiley regrets that he hasn’t been more aggressive with the SeaTac Federal Detention Center in trying to figure out who exactly gave the order to send grand-jury refusers Matt Duran, Katherine Olejnik, Maddy Pfeiffer, and Leah-Lynn Plante into solitary confinement, even though they were never accused of committing a crime. Not even the refusers’ lawyers could get answers from the FDC, which the lawyers say is unusual. Somebody made that decision, and that somebody still has some questions to answer.

The bucket of stage blood in Balagan’s production of Carrie: The Musical regrets that it wasn’t fuller every night and only got to splash a few dribbles on the lead actor. The bucket was born to drench and feels like it missed an opportunity to show off its potential.

Christopher Frizzelle, editor in chief of The Stranger and a bizarrely passionate fan of musicals, regrets getting the occupation of Mr. Bumble wrong in his December 11 review of 5th Avenue Theatre’s Oliver! Mr. Bumble is a parish beadle and not the headmaster of an orphanage, but Jesus who cares same difference.

In the summer of 2013, Dan Savage, host of the Savage Lovecast, a popular sex-advice podcast, traveled to London to tape Sex Box , a program in which three couples had sex onstage in a large, opaque box while Mr. Savage and two other “sex experts” discussed the issues raised by these couples and their couplings. The show prompted a firestorm of controversy in the United Kingdom. Mr. Savage does not regret appearing on the program, as he felt it was both educational and titillating. For a time, Mr. Savage regretted that he didn’t ask to be moved to a better hotel. But Mr. Savage and his entourage had such a good time in the particular hotel room where the producers of Sex Box housed him that he honestly has no regrets.

Paula Patton is easily the most beautiful woman in the world. She presumably often has sex with her husband, Robin Thicke. The rest of the world deeply regrets that Ms. Patton’s genitals have made this unfortunate decision. But we feel a little better when we look at Ms. Patton’s Twitter feed, which is full of shit like this: “Today and every breath I take I’m truly thankful and blessed!!!! XO #Teamsagittarius.” On second thought, maybe Mr. Thicke can have her.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets that in her interview of Olympia band Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live, the photo caption switched two of the bandmate’s names. She also regrets how difficult it can be to figure out who is who in band photos, especially the arty ones where some people are turning their heads or slightly out of focus, or the ones where everyone has a beard.

Cienna Madrid, staff writer, regrets the song “Summertime Sadness” by Lana del Rey because she fears its stupidity is infectious.

Kelly O regrets going onstage with Dan Savage at the last Seattle HUMP! screening and trying to take a picture of the audience. Her camera wouldn’t work, and it was really embarrassing, and everyone started laughing at her, and she felt a little like Sissy Spacek at a high-school prom.

Deceased “comet of the century” ISON regrets the sun.

Emily Nokes, music editor at The Stranger, regrets mixing up the band Space Trash with the Devo song “Space Junk” in an Up and Coming item pertaining to the band. She also regrets being so high on cold medicine while writing the Up and Coming that she riffed on what actual space trash might be like: “Doritos Extreme bags and tampon wrappers lazily floating out into the final frontier, choking poor space seals…” Good grief.

Theater editor Brendan Kiley regrets he didn’t make more time to play the ukulele this year.

Anna Minard regrets Twitter, because now it feels like some fifth limb connected directly to her brain, and she was doing just fine with only the first four, thankyouverymuch.

In a February article about how Catholic hospitals in Washington State could ignore the wishes of patients—especially women and the terminally ill—and deny them legal medical procedures for religious reasons, staff writer Cienna Madrid incorrectly reported that Washington was the third state in the country to embrace physician-assisted suicide. In fact, it was the second. We regret the error.

Kelly O regrets nothing about punching that guy in the stomach at Bumbershoot and then giving him five bucks to take his photo and then putting that photo on the cover of The Stranger, because that guy RULES.

Stranger staffer Jen Graves regrets that time she got that foot injury while participating in a bit of how’s your father. Ms. Graves does not regret that bit of how’s your father.

The Stranger regrets the closing of Francine Seders Gallery. Certain art gallery owners should be granted immortality.

Savage Love, the widely syndicated sex-advice column authored by Dan Savage, is due to the copy editors at The Stranger by noon on Thursdays. In the newspaper industry—what’s left of it—that is what’s known as a “deadline.”

Mr. Savage failed to get his column to the copy editors at The Stranger by his deadline even once in 2013. Mr. Savage’s column did not, in fact, appear in the copy editors’ inbox before noon on a Friday ever. Mr. Savage does not have the decency to regret this and doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about the terrible example he’s setting for the other members of the editorial staff.

On a related note, the copy editors at The Stranger sometimes spit in Mr. Savage’s tea when he leaves it unattended at his desk. They also have no regrets.

The Stranger regrets that there may actually be universes out there that have no stars. None at all.

Seattle City Council member Sally Clark regrets that people think, just because she’s gay, that she should stand up for gay rights.

Gillian Anderson, copy chief of The Stranger, regrets every typo, factual error, and misuse of grammar that appeared in the paper this year. She feels terrible about it.

The entire staff of The Stranger and all the readers who aren’t jerks deeply regret that Megan Seling left us after THIRTEEN YEARS to move to Nashville, Tennessee. We miss her horribly. For good measure, let’s all regret the existence of Nashville, Tennessee, shall we?

Everyone at The Stranger who’s had the pleasure of working with/admiring the teeth of/being laughed at by Cienna Madrid, a staff writer at The Stranger these last four years, regrets that this is Ms. Madrid’s last issue. Even though Ms. Madrid will still contribute freelance features and even though she had a harrowing tendency to get drunk and talk shit very loudly about people who are sitting right next to her at bars, we’re going to miss the shit out of her. Except for Paul Constant, who can’t wait to see her go because he has dibs on her chair.

What do you regret? Add yours to the list at THESTRANGER.COM

STRANGER SUGGESTS

Black-Eyed Peas

LUCK

No, not the band—the food. Southern tradition has it that eating black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day guarantees you good luck for the whole rest of the year, and if you google “New York Times hoppin’ John,” you’ll find the recipe of princes of Southern cooking Matt and Ted Lee (plus lots more on the legume and the dish). Here in Seattle, local DJ/hero Riz Rollins suggests a trip to one of the Vietnamese delis around 12th and Jackson to pick up the black-eyed-pea dessert called chè dau trang, made with peas, sugar, sticky rice, and coconut milk. “It has no visual allure what-so-or-whenever,” he notes, but lucky is lucky. BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Beethoven’s Ninth at Seattle Symphony

“This kiss to the entire world!” was Friedrich Schiller’s original sentiment, adapted by Ludwig van Beethoven in one of the most popular symphonic interludes ever, the “Ode to Joy”—a plea for peace and togetherness that closes his Ninth Symphony. It’s performed everywhere, all the time, especially by people who hum, and in Japan, where it’s a holiday tradition stemming from a WWI POW camp. Tonight, the 74-minute Ninth—its length is rumored to be the reason the compact disc was invented—is the only thing on the program. A simple, Beethovenian night. (Benaroya Hall, 200 University St, seattlesymphony.org, 7 pm, $17–$81) JEN GRAVES

‘The Thin Man’

FILM Are your pants itchy? Get yourself to the Grand Illusion and let 1934’s The Thin Man charm them right off. Starring William Powell and Myrna Loy as the most lovable high-functioning drunks-who-solve-crimes in cinema history, The Thin Man is a witty, wordy comic mystery so good, it spawned a series of five sequels. But the first is forever the best. As Ebert wrote in Great Movies, “[William Powell] is to dialogue as Fred Astaire is to dance.” (Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, 4:30 and 6:30 pm, $8, Jan 3–8) DAVID SCHMADER

Japanese Winter Foods

CHOW

Cozy Maneki is the place to get delicious traditional Japanese food. Nabeyaki udon is a soup with thick, chewy udon noodles and a bunch of goodies, including seafood, vegetables, and an egg on top. Kama meshi is a hot-pot-style rice dish, made with either unagi (eel) or kaki (oysters), and it’s still sizzling when they serve it. Agedashi tofu is fried tofu served hot in dashi broth with grated daikon on top. Add some steaming green tea or sake to your meal, and you’re all warmed up. (Maneki, 304 Sixth Ave S, manekirestaurant.com, 5:30–10:30 pm) GILLIAN ANDERSON

The Spits Post-NYE Party

Hold off on that New Year’s diet and detox, my friends. There’s one more party you can’t miss, and it’s being hosted by the funnest punk band that ever was, the Spits. I know we’ve already spilled a lot of ink on these dudes, but you haven’t seen a live show until you’ve seen THEM. Their audiences lose their collective minds. You’ll happily walk away with some bruises, or maybe even a souvenir black eye. You should also walk away with their new album, Kill the Kool—a compilation of tour-only rarities. Sex Crime and Wimps open. (Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, 9 pm, $8 adv/$10 DOS, 21+) KELLY O

Curtis Steiner

ART/CURIOSITIES

There’s a story behind every object in this shop. The lavish choker of indeterminate metal? It’s from when German families donated their gold jewelry to fund the Napoleonic wars and were given exact iron replicas in return. That filigreed little box with the little white doll inside? It’s a French ormolu casket referring to Charlotte, the girl who froze to death rather than wear a coat over her pretty dress on a sleigh ride. Cabinets of curiosities have gotten trendy, but this one’s real. Don’t miss Patty Grazini’s ornate paper sculptures of what women wear in famous paintings. (Curtis Steiner, 5349 Ballard Ave NW, curtissteiner.com, noon–4 pm) JEN GRAVES

‘Young Frankenstein’ FILM

After inheriting the family estate in Transylvania, the young Dr. Frankenstein sets out to re-create his grandfather’s work and bring the dead back to life, with help from his creepy assistant, Igor. Starring the incomparable Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, and Marty Feldman, this 1974 comedy/horror classic always entertains. With unfortunate brain mix-ups, cheesy sexual innuendo, and suspiciously shifting humps, the humor of Young Frankenstein will pull some deep belly laughs out of you. You’ll love it, so come on, walk this way. (Central Cinema, 1411 21st Ave, central-cinema.com, 7 pm, $6 adv/$8 DOS, Jan 3–8) GILLIAN ANDERSON

Andy Stern BOOKS

This year is going to be all about income inequality. If you need to get up to speed on what everyone will be talking about, you can’t find a better teacher than Andy Stern, a former SEIU president. His new book, A Country That Works: Getting America Back on Track, discusses the way robotics is changing labor and how humanity is being devalued by the wealthy. Is it possible to rebuild a prosperous middle class in a time of such tremendous technological and political upheaval? That’s what we’re all about to find out. (Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, townhallseattle.org, 7:30 pm, $5) PAUL CONSTANT

More

February

Keynote Speaker Annie Proulx

Exhibitors Include

Featuring Chris Abani, Elizabeth Alexander, Sherman Alexie, Coleman Barks, Frank Bidart, Richard Blanco, Timothy Egan, Gretel Ehrlich, Ben Fountain, Cristina Garcia, David Guterson, Joy Harjo, Robert Hass, Jane Hirshfield, Gish Jen, Rachel Kushner, Erik Larson, Chang-rae Lee, Ursula K. LeGuin, Barry Lopez, W.S. Merwin, Harryette Mullen, Sharon Olds, Carl Philips, Mary Ruefle, Brenda Shaughnessy, Gary Snyder, Amy Tan, Colm Tóibín, Tobias Wolff, and hundreds of other writers, teachers, editors, publishers, and literary tastemakers.

American Poetry Review, Bedford / St. Martin’s, BookForum, Center for Fiction, Copper Canyon Press, the Council of Literary Magazines & Presses, Graywolf Press, n+1 Magazine, National Book Critics Circle, National Endowment for the Arts, New Directions, The New York Review of Books, Poetry Foundation, Red Hen Press, Richard Hugo House, The Rumpus The Sun Magazine Tin House, Univ. of Pittsburgh Press, W.W. Norton & Company, Writers in the Schools, and hundreds of other presses, journals, magazines, and literary organizations.

ARTS

ART

What’s Wrong with Me

Artists Wish They Had and They Hadn’t in 2013

I regret that I named my gallery what I did, because people always think we sell wood.

Jonathan Wood, art dealer, Abmeyer + Wood

I let Brad name our kitten Ed. Should have named him Hugo.

Esther Luttikhuizen, curator, Gallery4Culture

I regret that I didn’t finish my giant black tower in the summer. You tell everyone you’re doing this amazing piece about violence, and then you have to wait until the weather’s better to finish it.

Alan Fulle, artist

My regret is not having a bigger space. At the Contemporary African Art Fair in London, my biggest piece was a 7.5-foot photograph by Maïmouna Guerresi. It sold before I even put it on the wall! I could never show that in my small space.

Mariane Lenhardt, art dealer, M.I.A Gallery

Sleeping in too often. It’s terrible. Like, it’s really, really bad. It’s gone way beyond self-care.

Britta Johnson, artist

Not valuing a good night’s sleep.

Eirik Johnson, artist

1. I regret the first person singular.

I regret market thinking.

I regret my tendency to mutter.

Voting for Nader in 2000 was my greatest regret in 2013.

Jason Gouliard, artist

I regret not realizing I’m not an artist and just me. I would have had those erotic dinners with FOXXY. I would have drawn Finn and Jake with Bowie. Most of all, I would have taken those postponed, silent, starlit walks in the low fog. Not a device in sight, inhaling those selfsame stars excised from cold veins of light in the blink of an eye, seeing something for the first time. Free from the tyranny of memory. Alive.

Dylan Neuwirth, artist

I regret missing the 70 mm print of 2001 at Cinerama last fall (slowly pushing the thick black glasses up the bridge of my nose).

Tivon Rice, artist

I regret not calling my beloved during the two months we were estranged. I muted my light, my muse.

Paul Kuniholm Pauper, artist

I regret that people continue to confuse “respect” with “political correctness.” I regret that I didn’t clue in to my privilege before this year. I regret that America still hasn’t ratified the Equal Rights Amendment. I regret not being louder about discrimination and feminism. I regret every missed opportunity to be emotionally generous, especially the times it cost me nothing but I misunderstood or was simply unaware. I regret not being a better ally.

Joey Veltkamp, artist

1. I regret that I didn’t do more.

2. I regret that I didn’t do less.

4. I regret adaptive estrangement.

5. I regret gated community.

Robert Mittenthal, writer, Autonomous University

I regret catching a person who was fainting. He caught my knee and tore my cartilage.

Nola Avienne, artist

Not bonding with my son properly.

Scott Mayberry, artist

I regret not doing a revenge painting on Odd Nerdrum yet. I was a pupil of his, and he made me sleep outside for a week. I got sick.

Wyatt Landis, artist

I regret not having bought mothballs earlier, to protect our knitted work.

Howard Barlow, artist

I really regret not taking a class in time management.

C. Davida Ingram, artist and educator

I wish I hadn’t apologized so much. Pam Galvani, artist

I regret not having visited Israel.

Hanita Schwartz, artist and curator, Andramalusya

If I Mae: cracking a few laws when I should have broken them!

Keeara Rhoades, artist

I regret not dropping my motorcycle once. After you drop your motorcycle, you get real. Colors are brighter. The grass is greener. Also, eating a 2.5-pound bag of pumpkin seeds. It’s a fucking cathedral of glass coming out.

Elizabeth Lopez, artist

3. I regret that I wasted time not doing what I intend to do.

4. I regret that I didn’t tie down that truckload of goose down feathers better before getting on the highway.

5. I regret not doing that portrait better. It could have been better. It should have been better.

Ruthie V., artist

My biggest regret is not cherishing every moment of the past year—really the past 20 years. So much time dwelling on fears. All the endless plane flights frozen in fear, family time wasted fearing some disease, and just worrying about dying, which I’ve done so much of since my mom passed away. I think it’s the fear of losing something as precious as this awesome life that I saw her lose.

Annie Marie Musselman, artist

I didn’t wear enough short shorts.

Julia Greenway, curator, Interstitial Theatre

If I Read More Plays, I’d Be a Better Critic (Or, I Regret Not Doing My Homework)

BY BRENDAN KILEY

I regret not reading Enda Walsh’s 2006 play The Walworth Farce before reviewing Neil Ferron’s Fabulous Prizes, which was performed in the summer of 2011 by the Satori Group and became a strong part of my early enthusiasm for the company.

In Walsh’s play, a demented father on the run from his own past has kept his sons hostage in an apartment for years and forces them to perform an insane play on a

daily basis to reinforce a myth he’s invented about who they are and why they’re stuck in space (the apartment) and time (reenacting the same scene every day). Things go sideways when a stranger shows up and interrupts their daily ritual. In Ferron’s play, a demented father keeps his son hostage in an apartment for years and forces him to perform in an insane play on a daily basis to reinforce a myth he’s built about who they are and why they’re stuck. Things go sideways when a stranger shows up and interrupts their daily ritual.

The two plays have some structural differences—Walsh’s father keeps up his farce to avoid the present and the future, and Ferron’s father keeps up his farce with the mad hope that it will serve as training for the day he and his son return to the world and open a restaurant together—but Prizes is clearly a response to Farce, and reviewing the latter without knowing anything about the former doesn’t make much sense.

But I didn’t realize that until approximately 8:30 p.m. on the evening of October

6 of this year, when I was roughly half an hour into New Century Theatre Company’s production of The Walworth Farce. The next day, I e-mailed Ferron to ask if he was familiar with the play. He said he was—and was a huge Enda Walsh fan—but felt like he’d injected enough of his own ideas and language into Prizes to make it stand on its own. I agree with him, for the most part, but still wish I’d known.

Mostly, I’m embarrassed I got caught with my pants down, because Enda Walsh is a well-known playwright. It’s always uncomfortable to be publicly slapped in the face with your own ignorance.

I remain enthusiastic about Satori Group (who are devoted to bringing original works into the world) and Neil Ferron (who’s lately taken to directing music videos), and I expect to see more good stuff from both of them. But if I had done better homework as a critic, and had some working knowledge of The Walworth Farce a year and a half ago, I would’ve watched Fabulous Prizes with slightly different eyes.

CHOW

Why’d I Eat That McRib?!

The Food-Related Regrets of 2013

BY SEATTLE CHEFS, RESTAURATEURS, BARKEEPS, ETC.

In 2013, we lost the original Bauhaus—practically a historic landmark of Seattle cafes—because progress. (It’s going to reopen, eventually, and meanwhile will temporarily

occupy the Capitol Club space, and there’s a new branch in Ballard, but still, booooo.) Same with the Viking—a tiny, classic tavern in Ballard that had sold beer, barbecue, and fresh eggs by the dozen since 1950. Other Seattle institutions that regrettably departed in 2013 include the Continental Greek Restaurant and Pastry Shop in the U-District and Mae’s Phinney Ridge Cafe—both so that their owners could finally get some rest, but still, sad. Vegetarians mourned the passing of Carmelita; rich people mourned the passing of Rover’s. Everybody with a heart felt bad that Med Mix, on the apparently cursed northeast corner of 23rd and Union, got set on fire by an arsonist—it remains, regrettably, closed.

In regrettable openings, there’s Storyville Coffee. (Google it and “Mars Hill.”)

In other completely regrettable developments, we had McDonald’s advising its employees on how to get on food stamps (AND how to chew their food more to feel fuller, AND how to sell their stuff for extra money), fast-food workers having to go on strike to try to get a living wage, the failure of Initiative 522, the success of the cronut, the

antigayness of Barilla pasta, too many things served in mason jars, the fact that only 1 percent of $292.5 billion in federal agricultural subsidies have gone toward fruit and vegetable programs, the death of the spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill of a heart attack at age 52, the closure of Chu Minh Tofu for repeated health violations including pigeons roosting on open vats of tofu, the growing of hamburg-

“I regret skipping the hairy crab dinner so we could check out gay bars.”

er in a lab, and Paula Deen. We also learned that the farthest one can get from a Subway in the United States of America is 99 miles, and Subway also started making its foot-long sandwiches actually a foot long instead of shorter (like anyone needed that extra inch).

We asked local restaurateurs/chefs/etc. to share their 2013 regrets. And here they are. BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

I regret that I didn’t put the spiced, roasted ground cricket paranta with turnip and tomato curry (relax, it’s delicious!) or baby grasshoppers on my Shanik menu. But this regret won’t last long in 2014. I’m pushing hard to save the bees, while pushing to eat the crickets.

Meeru Dhalwala, chef/owner, Shanik

I regret that I may be the only chef in Seattle with just one restaurant. I regret that I’m still not working on a new cookbook. I regret that when I was younger, I wasn’t more aware of my posture while standing over a stove or cutting board for 12 hours a day, and now my knees and shoulders are paying for it. When I was in China this year, I regret not paying more attention to how the persimmon cakes were made, and for not trying even more of the street food in between lunches and dinners of 30 different dishes, and for skipping the hairy crab dinner in Shanghai so we could check out the gay bars there. I regret that dogs get old and die. I regret I can’t mention the most important thing to me about 2013, marrying Stevie after 33 years together, because I don’t regret it.

Jerry Traunfeld, chef/owner, Poppy

I regret discovering the Boulevardier. Even when I try to order something different, the word “Boulevardier” just comes out of my mouth. I need to expand my cocktail palate in 2014.

Laurie Riedeman, chef, Canon

We regret failing to convince King County to let us serve raw oysters in our farmers market booth during the winter. Instead, people who want to eat oysters at the market have to sneak off to shuck in the alley. Or become

car-shuckers. And since that’s the only real regret we have for 2013, we must have had a great year!

Lissa James, Hama Hama Oyster Company

I regret that I did not work harder on the Yes on 522 campaign. This SHOULD have passed, and I was sure it would. I regret that I was so stupid to believe that common sense would outweigh money. DUMBASS! I regret that I put poutine on my brunch menu because it seemed the thing to do AND I felt like I made it right. But it’s still awful and makes people FAT. Bye-bye, poutine! I regret the Farm Bill or lack of one… what a disaster. I regret that I have not loved or laughed, traveled or discovered enough this year. Thank you, Stranger, for making me realize that!

Tamara Murphy, chef/owner, Terra Plata

I regret that record low voter turnout and a downpour of out-of-state money doomed I-522 to failure last November. I regret that we will have to wait until 2016 to have another shot at passing an initiative to require labeling of GM food. And I regret the campaign decision to sidestep the argument over whether or not GM foods are dangerous in favor of a “we just want to know” strategy. Much evidence exists that GM foods are harmful, and saying so loud and clear is the first step to getting them labeled.

Jim Drohman, chef/owner, Le Pichet and Cafe Presse

We’re brewing beer as part of a burgeoning craft movement in a great neighborhood with awesome beer-loving customers—our only regret could be NOT doing this earlier! Digging deeper, we do sincerely regret buying a lemon of a vending machine from two adorable old codgers from Oregon, then spending more money to make it look really cool, only to have it frequently spit cash back at our patrons. We definitely regret that. Brad, Lara, and Robyn, Stoup Brewing

I think with the roller coaster of my life this past year, everyone knows my biggest regret is ordering a McRib… again. Jim Romdall, barkeep, Aragona (formerly Vessel)

I totally regret NOT opening a coffee shop in Hillman City earlier. If it’s been one crazy, five-month-long, new-small-business a$$kicking roller-coaster ride of hell, it’s also been totally amazing. Who knew a Seattle neighborhood no one had ever heard of could be so awesome and would love a coffee shop as much as we’re loved.

Joya Iverson, owner, Tin Umbrella Coffee

I regret that it took me over a year to visit the Wurst Place for the first time, as if I do not harbor an insatiable, carnal lust for both beer and sausage. I also regret not stocking up on Damnation, Supplication, Temptation, and all

the other ’ation beers before Russian River Brewing unceremoniously decided to stop shipping beer to Washington. Rat bastards. Kendall Jones, Washington Beer Blog

Every time I look out the windows of the restaurant, I regret the fact that we haven’t gotten our act together to build a zip line from our roof to Gas Works Park. Seriously.

Brian Canlis, Canlis

While at the Bang Bang Cafe, the writers from the Onion came in and were super cute, funny, and awesome. I really wanted to give them a hug, which is way weird, but I was just awkward. The other time I have regretted is when the handsome bass player from Pearl Jam came into Pettirosso, and I was like wow, and it was Valentine’s Day and my husband came in to give me a Valentine’s present, but I was so in awe, I was ignoring my husband—so he always says that Jeff Ament “rock-blocked” him for Valentine’s!!!

Yuki Sodos, co-owner, Pettirosso and Bang Bang Cafe

This year has been one of the most challenging, exhausting, yet rewarding years of my life. I feel like I’ve aged 20 years, my

“I regret that we haven’t gotten our act together to build a zip line from our roof to Gas Works Park.”

knees are toast, and I now know what it’s like to work 24 hours straight, but I have only one regret. And that’s not throwing my picks into the audience for the Absolute Monarchs’ last show at Linda’s Fest this last summer—missed my last shot to throw a rock-star move onstage. Not too bad of a year, everything considered.

Miki Sodos, co-owner, Pettirosso and Bang Bang Cafe

Twice this year, wrapped up in the frenzy of seeing a newly flooded market of new booze, did I buy a bottle of liquor without asking the internet if it was good. Both bottles cost 30 percent more than I should have paid, and both were poured down the drain—not even sangria-worthy. I study booze professionally, and I can’t imagine how hard it is for the average consumer to navigate the new tides of poisonous swill that wash up in Seattle stores every day.

Andrew Bohrer, bartender, author, The Best Shots You’ve Never Tried

Regrets! I have regrets! I regret that I didn’t make sure we signed up to grow a Liberty pot strain, now that we can legally grow pot. AND! I also regret that it’s taken me an extra five months to open the new bar—that sucks.

Andrew Friedman, owner, Liberty (and, “soon,” Good Citizen)

Ahhhh, regrets… they’re like children: It’s easy to pick out the biggest fuckup of the bunch. I regret leaving Tommy D & E.T. as their pastry chef ’cause shit has been reeeeal cray-cray ever since. I need to sip on some of that Kool-Aid that makes you say shit like “I’d do it all the same” or “I regret nothing!” And as long as I have the mic, I regret letting Aana slip through my fingers. Does anyone know where I can find some plutonium or how to produce 1.21 gigawatts?

Patric Gabre-Kidan, co-owner, Big Fun (upcoming)

1

5

CELEBRATING

EST. 1939

It’s our birthday but we’ve got a present for you! To celebrate The Showbox turning 75 in 2 014, there will be no service charges on tickets purchased at either Showbox Box Offic e location… for the entire year! Who said getting older can’t be awesome??

Stay tuned because the celebration is just getting started. We ’ll be rolling out mor e fun stuff to celebrate The Showbox 75th Anniversary throughout the year. Don’t miss out on any of it – follow along at #Showbox75

MUSIC

Car Wrecks, Kardashians, and Coke-Fueled DJs

Seattle Bands, Musicians, Radio DJs, Record Labels, and Poster Designers Spill Their 2013 Regrets

Atomic Bride: We regret that we did not become breatharians sooner. We could have been spending our food money on gear all these years!

Dan Enders (MTNS): We regret not having the idea for the “Bound 2” video first, with Austin as Kanye and me as Kim Kardashian.

Lance Umble (Cumulus): I regret not telling LL Cool J that his hat looked like a shark’s fin.

Alexandra Niedzialkowski (Cumulus): I regret not documenting life onto paper more often.

Laura Seniow (Swamp Meat): I regret not making a pass at Lou Reed when I had the chance.

Gifted Gab: I regret not confessing my undying love to Method Man when I had the chance.

Dan Onufer (Swamp Meat): I regret not eating more Peking duck at 1 a.m.

Adair (The Witches Titties): I regret the unfortunate smell that occurs in a van when eight people go on tour and only take sage cleansing baths.

Amber Marie (The Witches Titties): I regret that time I ate my coworker’s trashed, halfeaten lunch. It was delicious and degrading.

Jennifer Gay (The Witches Titties): On tour, while staying in a ’70s time capsule of an apartment belonging to a coke-fueled DJ who wouldn’t let us have a dance party, I regret wine-vomiting all over that

don’t we all just want that time to check out that French noir film we’ve been putting off?

Jayson Kochan (Airport):

1. I regret accidentally taking bath salts at Psychedelic Dogfest during a marathon Airport set. Shit got weird.

2. I regret naming my West Coast tour with Bankie Phones “Summer Slammmtacular.”

After playing a rave in Oakland that wrapped up at 4 a.m., we ended up actually slamming our car into a semitruck at 70 mph. The car was totaled, but no one was hurt.

3. I regret spending too much money on cocaine and frozen pizzas.

earth-toned retro bathroom.

Aric Atienza (poster designer): I regret spending enough time in front of a TV this summer to know which Kardashian is which.

Katie Kate: I regret not being meaner to people and expressing my hatred for others. I regret taking others’ opinions too seriously. I regret not stuffing my pockets full of free food backstage at Bumbershoot. I regret not keeping better track of my mileage. I regret holding my tongue. I regret not finding Russell Crowe’s secret tent in the Colosseum. I regret not adopting a Roman cat. I regret withdrawing from my actual friends due to the aforementioned hatred of everyone. I regret not seeing my sister more often. I regret not being more engaged with my fans and supporters. I regret not finishing any series of Star Trek because it’s never the “right” time for me to get emotional, except Voyager, because I didn’t care that much, or Enterprise, because I can’t even get through it.

Noel Brass Jr. (Afrocop): I regret spending so much time working and letting the device that is a job shave off my creative and intellectual hours in the year of 2013. Sure, one can stay up through the late hours of the night dabbling with that Philip K. Dick novel yet to be read, or putting needle to record on that psych album with the interesting cover, but soon enough the tax man beckons for another day of work and seeing your soulful self through the end of your shift. While working for a living is a daunting and so-called “honest living,” I’ve always thought, at best, our inspired hours have no minimum wage—and in the end,

forgot to announce Yo La Tengo. So after all the hoopla and the craziness, they just quietly walked out there and plugged in their instruments with the look of “Okay, how do we follow that?” I felt bad, but of course they came out and killed it, closing down Easy Street Queen Anne in a beautiful fashion.

“We should’ve surfed that sucker all the way to Seattle like four teen wolves.”

4. I regret not participating in a HUMP! movie while wearing only a pair of hot-pink aviators.

OCnotes: I regret not growing any weed this year.

Levi Fuller: I regret that, despite the inordinate number of hours I spent listening to music this year, I spent far too little time listening closely to music.

Troy Nelson (KEXP DJ): My regret of 2013 was at the now-defunct Queen Anne Easy Street Records (where I worked for 10 years). It was the very last night that Easy Street would ever be open—a HUGE party—and Yo La Tengo were there to close out the night. I had called Matt Vaughan (the owner) the night before and told him that I wanted to propose to my girlfriend. He said, “That’s great, let’s do it right before Yo La Tengo take the stage!” So here we are in front of a thousand people, and Matt called me up to the stage—I nervously gave a speech about my time at Easy Street, and then popped the question to my girlfriend, who was also on the stage. After she said yes, and the crowd graciously hollered and cheered, we walked off the stage. I COMPLETELY

La Luz: We regret not magically jumping out and surfing on top of that semitruck that smashed our tour van into oblivion. We should’ve surfed that sucker all the way to Seattle like four teen wolves and landed right under the warm glow of the Neumos stage lights.

Nik Christofferson (Good to Die Records head): I regret taking those last couple shots at Pettirosso after ’Mo-Wave and then waking up at Kennedy’s (of Monogamy Party) place, on his floor, using a damp bath towel as a pillow.

Jodi Ecklund (Chop Suey booker/’Mo-Wave organizer): I regret that NYC performer Dynasty Handbag can’t come to Seattle and perform EVERY year, because SHE IS AMAZING.

TV Coahran (ggnzla Records and Karaoke): I regret being a dick to people who come up to me at last call at my karaoke nights and say, “So how do I sign up for a song?” I also regret losing touch with people when they move, and also being shitty at hanging out with people who still live here.

Mark Arm (Mudhoney): Life is too short to dwell in the fields of regret.

Eyvind Kang and Jessika Kenney: We regret nothing.

Tad Doyle (Brothers of the Sonic Cloth): No regrets.

SOUND CHECK

SOUND CHECK REGRETS: AWKWARD SILENCE WITH SIR PAUL

I regret an awkward silence that took place when I met Paul McCartney at Safeco Field. In a smallish room, he said he’d had a dream a few nights prior about crossing a river in a tub. I told him a dream I’d had about crossbow hunting for politicians with Chewbacca. I described how there was a herd of Jeb Bushes springing around a forest like deer and grazing on fields of money grown by Saudi Arabian children. Chewbacca had Velcro instead of fur. New Jersey governor Chris Christie was a bull that mounted anything that moved. Chewbacca crossbowed him in the ear. Paul McCartney said, “Velcro fur sounds nice.” I told him all the smaller animals were hopping up and sticking to the Velcro. Chewbacca was saving them from the large, horny bull. After Christie was killed, Chewbacca and I were taking a leak side-by-side on a tree, and Chewbacca wanted to have a “sword fight.” That’s when the awkward silence came. Because I asked Paul McCartney if he ever used to have sword fights with his pee. “You know,” I said, “where you’re peeing next to someone and your pee crosses their pee?” He didn’t answer. He did laugh, though. Maybe he didn’t hear me. I guess he sort of nodded. That’s bullshit, though—I know he had sword fights when he was younger. He and John Lennon probably had sword fights all the time. Other 2013 regrets. I regret what the Big 6 agrochemical companies Monsanto, Dow, BASF, Bayer, Syngenta, and DuPont—are doing to the world. I believe they’re killing the bees and killing us all. I don’t regret recent findings by a team of Japanese physicists suggesting the universe may be just a holographic projection.

I regret that people can’t take heated mud baths while listening to Master Musicians of Bukkake play live seven days a week.

I regret that Riz Rollins is not president of our country. I regret that I have not yet heard OCnotes’s new album, for I’m sure its dimensions of biscuitry are worth exploring and sprouting ears for.

I regret that the sound of the sink dripping, the clock ticking, and the gigantic metered bang of the construction-site pile driver down the street fell into the most unforeseen cadence. A sick beat. A beat that matched and fed me into the Battles’ song with Blonde Redhead’s Kazu Makino, “Sweetie & Shag.” Now I’ve listened to it five times, and this column is due.

The last thing is a drive-in diner in the middle of the Mojave Desert. I regret to inform you that it is floating in the air. You stand in its shadow, wrapped in the warm, rotten smell of leaf-succulent yuccas in the breeze, and listen to the rusted hovering structure creak and teeter. A rope ladder drops out of the diner’s door. You climb it. When you reach the threshold, you see Stevie Wonder sitting inside at a Fender Rhodes keyboard…

COMING UP

CHILDBIRTH

DISAPPEARS

TUESDAY 1/7 TENNIS

TUESDAY 1/14

KATIE KATE

WEDNESDAY 1/15 CLOUD CONTROL

FRIDAY 1/31 THE PACK AD

SATURDAY 2/1 THE YOUNG EVILS

TUESDAY 2/11 DELOREAN

COMING SOON

1/11 Maria Taylor • 1/16 Richie Aldente • 1/17 Stag • 1/20 Superhumanoids • 1/21 Drenge • 1/22 Mutual Benefit

• 1/23 Robert DeLong • 2/10 Quilt • 2/19 Lawrence Rothman

• 2/22 DJ Spooky • 2/24 Xiu Xiu

• 2/25 A Tribe Called Red • 2/26 Hospitality • 2/28 Agesandages

• 3/2 together Pangea

• 3/7 Angel Olsen • 3/14 Pigpen Theatre Co.

• 3/22 Yellow Ostrich

JUST GOT PAID FRIDAYS INFERNO SATURDAYS DANCE NIGHTS

Tuesday, Jan. 7th

Thursday,

Decibel

Thursday, Jan. 9th

NEVER HEARD OF ’EM

BY ANNA MINARD

REGRETS

It’s been another year of this. Are you tired yet?! (C’mon, don’t really answer that. I love this job. Just pretend you’re all fine.) If you had told me two years ago, “Hey, Anna, you’re gonna write a regular music column in The Stranger soon!” I wouldn’t even have laughed, I just would’ve been confused. How? About what, exactly? How often I get that song “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C stuck in my head?

But here I am, still, and now I can use words like “synths” on purpose and be 80 percent sure what I’m talking about are actual synths. Like I said last year, nothing about this column is truly regrettable, because it’s SO MUCH FUN and it makes my life measurably better, all the time.

That said, I’m only human, and I can manufacture regret on command just like everyone else.

Most importantly, I regret that I can’t always write the columns that friends and strangers suggest. For example, I still haven’t written about Annie Lennox’s Diva, even though my wonderful friend Michael has asked about it three times. Sorry, dude. It’s on the long list!

In the same vein, I specifically regret that one time the door guy at the Unicorn recognized my name and gave me a recommendation—actually wrote down an album on a slip of paper and told me a great story about trying to go see them and then the

I do not regret the time I called Dave Segal “some sort of bionic mystic.”

show being canceled—and then I came in to work and told everyone about it, and we were super-excited, and then I lost that slip of paper and now ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE BAND. God, I regret that. (The losing/ forgetting part, not the first part, that was awesome!) If you are that guy from the Unicorn, please please please e-mail me! I will do that album, I promise!

I do not regret the time I called our resident music übernerd Dave Segal “some sort of bionic mystic, a robot-monk-man mesmerized equally by the glimpse of a young woman’s underbutt and the perfect tone of his favorite bathroom fan’s whir.” Because that is the most accurate rendering of a human being’s true nature that I have ever composed.

But I sure as hell regret that despite how many times people say it would be soooooooo great, Segal has so far refused to do another omnibus edition of Never Heard of ’Em/Heard of ’Em, where he schools me on the album after I write all of my baby nonsense

I also regret that Segal has refused to write his magnum opus on the sonic qualities of bathroom fans, which would absolutely, definitely make for good reading, I SWEAR.

Finally, I regret that I get that song “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C stuck in my head so goddamn often. WTF. I give this year a “You guys! We’re alive! We made it one more year! Go forth and listen to music, and never regret sounding like an idiot, because it might turn into something” out of 10.

Carlos Kalmar, conductor

Nathalie Paulin, soprano

Angela Niederloh, mezzo-soprano

ROCKIN PIANO SHOW

ZANY FRIENDS

Brendan Tuohy, tenor

Charles Robert Stephens, baritone Seattle Symphony Chorale

BEETHOVEN: Symphony No. 9, “Choral”

Sit back and revel in Beethoven’s uplifting final symphony with its famous “Ode to Joy” chorus. Untuxed concerts are short and intermission-free. PLUS! Stay after the concert for a special Ask the Artist with Seattle Symphony musicians.

UP&COMING

Lose your bottom-dwelling doom riffage every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 35 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Thursday 1/2

Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony (Benaroya Hall) Hum along to “Ode to Joy” and more in a performance led by the Oregon Symphony Orchestra’s Carlos Kalmar. The Ninth, which runs 74 minutes, is reputed to be the reason for the invention of the compact disc, because it wouldn’t fit on a single side of any record or cassette. JEN GRAVES See also Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Corrections House, Wrekmeister Harmonies, Ardent Vein (Highline) Which band are you showing up for tonight? The weird avant-metal all-star side project featuring Sanford Parker (Nachtmystium, Twilight) and Bruce Lamont (Yakuza, Bloodiest)? Or… the weird avant-metal all-star side project featuring Sanford Parker and Bruce Lamont? Same diff—it’s safe to assume that the crossover of members between Corrections House and Wrekmeister Harmonies parallels a crossover of fanbases. But really, the bands operate in different creative spheres. Corrections House (also featuring members of Eyehategod and Neurosis) offer condensed chunks of mechanized noise that borrow as much from early industrial acts as it does from their full-time projects. Wrekmeister Harmonies, on the other hand, is basically a symphony of Chicago underground-metal musicians conducted by JR Robinson that weaves ambient noise and minimalist classical elements into one grand distorted crescendo. BRIAN COOK

Warm White, MANE, Thee Samedi (Heartland) “Recorded in TJ’s basement with a milk jug” read the credits to Thee Samedi’s Corn Musk Sessions, recorded earlier this year. That, in a nutshell,

captures the Seattle quartet’s casual, low-as-hell-fidelity approach to garage punk. Thee Samedi are working in those sodden trenches dug by the Stooges, the Sonics, Birthday Party, and the Cramps, but they exude some real tight-/ripped-jeans danger, and chances are they’d hurt you in a brawl. Thee Samedi’s concise songs riff hard and spray shrapnel in familiar patterns, and vocalist Noah Fowler yelps like a guy who regularly scares his therapist. DAVE SEGAL

Friday 1/3

Fly Moon Royalty, Fresh Espresso, Future Shock (Neumos) Tonight we celebrate Seattle duo Fly Moon Royalty’s upcoming EP Unfinished Business (hot tip: Purchasing tickets to the show will get you an advance digital copy!). Vocalist Adra Boo’s fierce/ gorgeous set of pipes paired with DJ/producer Action Jackson’s electro-soul sound have been known to make even the most awkward of crowds bust moves they were not aware they had in them. EMILY NOKES

Gabriel Mintz, Yves, Cold Guns (Columbia City Theater) If you prefer your psychedelic rock to be slightly hushed and sounding like it’s melting in slow motion, Seattle singer/guitarist Gabriel Mintz is your troubadour of gently altered senses. His new album, Future Wars (Versicolor), finds his androgynous, fragile vocals flowing over hypnotic, hymnlike compositions, guitars spangling and jangling in languid arcs. Many of the 13 tracks on Future Wars recall the early work of UK shoegaze psychonauts Verve (before legal pressure forced them to add “the” to their name), particularly their songs “Feel” and “A Man Called Sun.” And that is very heady company, indeed. DAVE SEGAL

The Spits, Sex Crime, Wimps (Chop Suey) What better way to spend your first Friday of 2014 than wylin’ out with legendary local shit-kickers the Spits? The three-piece has been tearing up basements and venues around town for well over a decade now, but the energy at their shows hasn’t aged a bit, and their straightforward powerchord punk songs still make you want to either grab your skateboard or jump off of a stage into a crowd of people. They’re one of the increasingly rare bands that still have a vigor and genuine punk spirit that words seem to fail, that can’t be duplicated in print or on the internet and needs to be experienced live. MIKE RAMOS See also Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Princess, Black Wizard, Wounded Giant (Highline) Seattle’s Princess had a hell of a 2013 between releasing their very solid and heavy, grungerooted metal EP Selling Sulphur and delivering what was quite possibly the loudest performance from any band at this year’s Capitol Hill Block Party. The four-piece will headline this all-Northwest metal bill that also features the quite-psychedelic ’70s-throwback stylings of Vancouver’s Black Wizard and the bottom-dwelling doom riffage of locals Wounded Giant—readily on display throughout their crushing November release Lightning Medicine Even those who think earplugs are for wusses might want to reconsider that stance for this one. MIKE RAMOS

Saturday 1/4

Surfer Blood, the Wild Ones, Cock & Swan (Sunset) Hailing from West Palm Beach, Florida, Surfer Blood are the indie-rock mainstay responsible for 2011’s generally beloved Astro Coast and 2013’s Gil Norton–produced follow-up, Pythons Hailing from Portland, Oregon, the Wild Ones are a free-ranging pop band (one member of which is a classical composer) that draws on “everything from German techno to American R&B.” And hailing from Seattle, Washington, Cock & Swan are the electronic music duo coming off a hot-poop year, with their 2013 record Secret Angles popping up on critics’ lists

NECTAR LOUNGE 412 N 36th St 206.632.2020 www.nectarlounge.com

1.2 Thursday (Rock)

KPLU 88.5FM PRESENTS

PEARL DJANGO with special guest BUCKY PIZZARELLI

THU, JAN 2 - SUN, JAN 5

Seattle-based gypsy jazz favorites with jazz guitar great!

TUCK AND PATTI

TUE, JAN 7 - WED, JAN 8

American jazz guitar and vocal duo, celebrating 35 years!

JEFF LORBER FUSION

Featuring BRIAN BROMBERG, PATRICK LAMB AND GARY NOVAK

THU, JAN 9 - SUN, JAN 12

Trailblazing Grammy-nominated keyboardist, composer and producer with his fusion band

MARK HUMMEL’S BLUES HARMONICA

BLOWOUT FEATURING JOHN MAYALL, CURTIS SALGADO, RICK ESTRIN, LITTLE CHARLIE BATY AND MORE

TUE, JAN 14 - WED, JAN 15

A Tribute to Sonny Boy Williamson II

91.3 KBCS PRESENTS AMEL LARRIEUX

THU, JAN 16 - SUN, JAN 19

Urban soul singer returns in support of her new release Ice Cream Everyday

2033 6th Ave. | 206.441.9729

all ages | free parking full schedule at jazzalley.com

on both sides of the Atlantic. Tonight, all three cram their gifts into the Sunset. DAVID SCHMADER

Sunday 1/5

Ruby Bishop (Vito’s) Wait, so your Aunt Lucille and Uncle John are still here for the holidays? Or maybe you grew some balls and want to call that special someone you met at that New Year’s Eve party, to see if they’ll meet you somewhere (romantic and cozy!) for a cocktail or a tasty bite? Vito’s is the perfect place to impress your relatives (of any age) and a more perfect place to take a new date—especially when 94-year-old jazz legend Ruby Bishop is sitting at her spot at the piano. Bishop will instantly melt your heart when her fingers hit the ivories. Her piano playing channels greats like Duke Ellington, and she even can do a righteous impersonation of Louis Armstrong’s voice. Just ask her! Politely. Don’t forget you’re talking to a real LADY. KELLY O

Monday 1/6

The worst week in the history of Seattle live music limps onward.

Tuesday 1/7

Tennis, Poor Moon

(Barboza) Husband/wife duo Tennis burst onto the Pitchfork-led indie-blog scene in 2010 with runaway hit “Marathon,” a simplistic, lo-fi, retro-sounding song that was all jangly pop chords and warm girlgroup “oohs” and “ahhs.” Though catchy as hell, the song seemed flimsy, and the band’s merit appeared to be bolstered mostly by a conveniently marketable backstory (which always generates buzz regardless of musical quality) about some yuppie dream-vacation sailing trip the couple had just gone on. Almost four years, two full-lengths, and an EP later, Tennis have yet to match “Marathon”—which was probably bitten from some obscure ’60s cut anyway—but is probably a great band to see if you enjoy safe, “refined” things like tennis and sailing. MIKE RAMOS

Blackburn SuperMother, The Sun Thieves, Blue Like Jazz

$5 adv / $8 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

1.3 Friday (Blues / Folk) Hallstrom Rags & Ribbons, James Anaya band, Kate Lynne Logan

$6 adv. $8 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

1.4 Saturday: (Hip Hop) THE BAD TENANTS THE HOOKY’S Ayo.O, The Approach, The Turntable Einstein

$6 adv. $8 dos, 8pm, 21+

1.7 Tuesday (and EVERY TUESDAY)

KARAOKEGRASS: FREE Live Band Karaoke! NO COVER, 7pm Doors, 21+

1.8 Wednesday

Chris Zanardi & High Beamz Science!, Cracker Factory

$5adv / $8dos, 8pm, 21+

1.9 Thursday (Hip-Hop)

SADISTIK + No Bird Sing

Graves 33

Thad Wentachee & 3rd Degree

$5adv. / $7 dos, 8pm, 21+

1/11 Elton Jah 1/15 Ill-Esha / Buku 1/16 Left Coast Country 1/17 Theoretics 1/18 Prince vs Michael 1/21 Kutt Calhoun 1/24 Sophistafunk 1/25

TOTALLY BONKERS (IN A GOOD WAY)

LaGarce, guests

CONTOUR Bottom Heavy: Covert Ops, guests , 10 pm, free

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

HAVANA Sophisticated

Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LO-FI Noctum Caro: Guests

MOE BAR Chuch: Phospho, Mars One, Sosal, free

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Damn Son: DJ Flave, Sativa Sound System, Jameson Just, Tony Goods

THERAPY LOUNGE

DUH.: DJ Omar, guests

TRINITY Space Thursdays: Rise Over Run, DJ Christyle, Johnny Fever, guests

TUES JAN 28TH @ THE VERA PROJECT INTO IT. OVER IT. THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE & I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO DIE,

BALTIC ROOM Crunk: DJ Henski, Marty Mar, Blue Eyed Soul, Bgeezy, guests

CONTOUR Rotation Tryouts: Guests THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1 LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests , 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, $5/$8 SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle

THURS 1/2

LIVE

EL CORAZON Julia Sheer, Kait Weston, Amanda Markley, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

HIGHLINE Corrections House, Wrekmeister Harmonies, Ardent Vein, $12

JAZZ ALLEY Pearl Django, 7:30 pm, $24.50

NECTAR Blackburn, Supermother, Sun Thieves, Blue Like Jazz

THE ROYAL ROOM Royal Ramble: Jelly Rollers, 8 pm SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow, 9:30 pm, free

SUNSET TAVERN Gallowbird, Each & All, Preacher’s Wife, $6

TRIPLE DOOR Seth Freeman Band, $12/$15

TULA’S Contempo, 7:30 pm, $10

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Casey MacGill

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Revolution: DonnaTella Howe, Olivia

BY ADRIAN RYAN

THE ANNUAL RELUCTANT REGRETS COLUMN

Welcome to the annual Regrets Issue! Now, gurl, you know that I usually totally deny that I entertain anything so base and useless as “regret” every single year that we do these silly “Regrets Issue” thingies, right? (Google that shit—it’s fact!) I’m always all like, “What? Regret? ME? Pfffft. Gurl, you CRAZY!” I mean, who has the time? Who has the patience? I take a strong stance against such nonsense, politically and personally, and urge you to do the same. But of course, I guess I am occasionally human or whatever (LIES!), and how can one help but NOT not regret some little thing or other from time to time? So fine, okay, um, Jesus, I regret stuff. Sometimes. YEAH. SURE. WHATEVER. But I’ll have you know that all of my (ahem) alleged “regrets” are broad and sweeping, not personal and petty. For instance! I regret that we’re all going to die, you know, like, any fucking second. The seas are rising! The corporate oligarchy is preparing to attack! It snowed in fucking EGYPT! (BTW: That tickle in the back of your throat? Radiation. Fukushima. Bzzzzzt!) So yeah, that sucks. I also regret that the poles are gonna shift and

THE WOODS Pure Thursdays: Omar Valadez, MMars, Chris T, 10 pm, free

CLASSICAL

BENAROYA HALL

Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony

FRI

1/3

LIVE

BLUE MOON TAVERN Cody Foster Army

CHOP SUEY The Spits, Sex Crime, Wimps, $8/$10

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

Gabriel Mintz, Yves, Cold Guns, $6/$8

EL CORAZON the Number Station, Gladiators Eat Fire, A Province of Thay, Where My Bones Rest Easy, $8/$10

HIGHLINE Princess, Black Wizard, Wounded Giant, 9:30 pm, $6

the dinosaurs come back or something, or at the very least, we are all facing a future that looks a little too much like The Hunger Games had a baby with The Handmaid’s Tale. (OMG—Michele Bachmann just had an explosive orgasm. First ever.)

I regret Vladimir Putin and all those Richard Simmons pictures I posted on Facebook (#thatgurl). But far be it from me to wax (if you’ll pardon the expression) “political” or any crazy shit like that. I write about gay bars and drag queenz! Shezus Christ. Which I do not regret one little bit, for the record. I LOVE IT. Every minute. Hot damn.

OH! And I regret Zoe on American Horror Story: Coven (she couldn’t act her way into a paper bag), and I regret Congress and Fox News (politics! Whoopsies!), and I regret the implosion that was the promise that was Q nightclub. But not really. (One never can tell.)

But really! I truly and totally regret the loss of Bauhaus Books & Coffee, and every other aggressive condo-stinking assault on our sacred Hill. (They are eating our homeland alive! Stone-cold fact.)

Mostly, however! I regret every pickle I didn’t tickle and dance I didn’t sing, but don’t we all? Shoo.

Also, please note! I regret the deaths of Nelson Mandela (of course) and Peter O’Toole (naturally) and darling Alex Calderwood, who gave us so very much (Rudy’s, Ace Hotel, the old ARO. space, SO MUCH). On the other hand! I extra-specially regret the not-deaths of all of Congress and more than all of Fox News. (I weep about it, as I try to sleep at night. Weep!) Sorry not sorry.

(BAR W/ ID) - 7:00 PM TUE FEB 4TH @ THE VERA PROJECT REGGIE AND THE FULL EFFECT DADS, PENTIMENTO, HONORABLE MENTION ALL AGES - 6:30 PM

1/25 THE MAD CONDUCTOR @ 2BIT, 1/31 A LOT LIKE BIRDS @ VERA PROJECT, 2/13 MAD CADDIES @ CHOP SUEY, 2/20 PETER BRADLEY ADAMS @ HIGH DIVE, 4/1 LA DISPUTE @ EL CORAZON

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31ST

Critically acclaimed standup comic and winner of the prestigious San Francisco and Seattle International Comedy Competitions, Sean Kent has appeared on NBC, CBS, E!, Comedy Central and recently starred on A&E’s “Modern Dads”.

Something in the Trees, 10 pm

STUDIO SEVEN Dead Electric, Dead Fools, Maxwell Royce, guests

TRACTOR TAVERN The Paperboys, $18

TULA’S Katie King Quartet, 7:30 pm, $15

THE WHITE RABBIT Whiskey N’ Rye, Old Unreliable, the Winterlings

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Dirty Work: Rotating DJs including Sean Majors, BGeezy, guests

BARBOZA Just Got Paid: 100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm

CUFF TGIF: C&W Dancing:

DJ Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm, Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

HAVANA Rotating DJs:

DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

PONY Beefcake: DJ Jack, Freddy King of Pants: Beefcake: DJ Jack, King of Pants

THERAPY LOUNGE Rapture: Guests, $3 after 11 pm

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, DJ Nug, guests , $10

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs

CLASSICAL

BENAROYA HALL

Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony

SAT 1/4

LIVE

BALMAR Rotating DJ Night: Guests, 9:30 pm

BLUE MOON TAVERN Vapor Trails, Wildlife Indoors

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

A Tribute to Roger Miller: Cahalen Morrison, Annie Ford Band, Pepper Proud, guests

EL CORAZON Colossal Fest: Truth Under Attack, Ashes of Existence, guests

HIGH DIVE These Young Fools, Those Red Heals, $8

HIGHWAY 99 Monster Road, 8 pm, $13

JAZZ ALLEY Pearl Django, NECTAR The Bad Tenants, the Hooky’s, Ayo.O, guests

NEUMOS Atomic Pop, Omega Kitten, 8 pm, $10

PARAGON Solbird, free

SEAMONSTER Ethan J Perry, Sound Dialog, 10 pm

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE The Red Stone Sinners

STUDIO SEVEN Rain Light Fade, Darklight, Halcion Halo, guests, 7 pm

SUNSET TAVERN Surfer Blood, the Wild Ones, Cock & Swan, $10

TRACTOR TAVERN The Paperboys, Massy Ferguson

TRIPLE DOOR The Brian Nova Orchestra, 7:30 pm

TULA’S Thomas Marriott Quartet, 7:30 pm, $15

THE WHITE RABBIT Alina Ashley Nicole, Abi Grace, Kelly & Alton Fleek, Maiah Manser, guests, $5/$8

DJ

BARBOZA Inferno: Guests, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after CONTOUR Europa Night: Misha Grin, Gil

HAVANA Rotating DJs:

DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, guests

RE-BAR Cock & Bull: DJ Freddy King of Pants, $5

THERAPY LOUNGE Dance Yourself Clean: Guests

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre

CLASSICAL

BENAROYA HALL Seattle Symphony Presents Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony

SUN 1/5

LIVE BLUE MOON TAVERN J.P. and the Geminis, 8 pm, free

CROCODILE the Mama Rags, the Mad Caps, Psychedelephant, $5

EL CORAZON Colossal Fest: Sky Pilot, Peace Mercutio, Abaddon, guests

HIGH DIVE Half Japanese Girls, Foreign Talks, $6

HIGHLINE Sir Coyler & his Asthmatic Band, $6 JAZZ ALLEY Pearl Django, 7:30 pm, $24.50

SEAMONSTER Papa Josh Plus

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB Yes Men, Jr., 5 pm

STUDIO SEVEN Asema, Three Headed Cannibal, Portals Align, guests

TRACTOR TAVERN Alyse Black, Intisaar Jubran, Seeing Blind, 8 pm, $8

TULA’S Reggie Goings Jazz Offering, 3:30 pm, $10; Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm; the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

BY DAVE SEGAL

BEATEN DOWN: THE YEAR IN REGRETS

I try to accentuate the positive in Data Breaker (no, really). But there’s no denying that a lot of negative shit happens in any given year—even in the enchanted realm of electronic music. So let’s review the last 12 months of bad things.

Data Breaker regrets Electric Tea Garden closing—a major setback for Seattle’s electronic-music scene. This loft space on 14th and Madison had been the locus for loads of amazing shows, regular events, and after-hours parties for many years. In 2013, it hosted at least two of the best shows I’ve ever seen (Rrose’s Decibel Fest after-party and the Pan Records showcase with Heatsick NHK’Koyxen and Lee Gamble). Other amazing gigs included Neue Deutsche Welle synth weirdo Im Namen Des Volkes and French psychraga-drone guru High Wolf. That small, low-ceilinged venue will be missed.

Data Breaker regrets Capitol Hill nightclub Q abandoning its challenging nights, such as Cody Morrison and Jeremy Grant’s Shelter weekly. But my griping was a bit premature, as the pendulum

DJ BALTIC ROOM Mass:

DJs

Guest

CONTOUR Broken Grooves:

DJ Venus, Rob Cravens

THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance:

Up Above, Fistfight, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs

PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants

Q NIGHTCLUB Revival:

Riz Rollins, Chris Tower

RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa: DJ Nick

MON 1/6

LIVE

BLUE MOON TAVERN Andy

Coe Band, 10 pm, free COASTAL KITCHEN Pork Chop Trio, 9:30 pm, free CROCODILE Follies and Vices, Jessie Houghton, Alex Menne, the Chop, 7 pm, $5

EL CORAZON The Horse

I Rode, Liars Start Fires, Esoson, Chase the Sunlight

NEW ORLEANS The New Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM

EntreMundos, the Royal Room Collective Music Ensemble, 7:30 pm

TULA’S Chris McCarthy, 7:30 pm, $10

THE WHITE RABBIT

Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

DJ

BARBOZA Minted: Icon Mondays: Sean Majors, guests, free

CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free

CONTOUR Manic Mondays: Guests

HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ

started to swing back toward more risktaking late in 2013. A couple of douchebag-repelling weeklies have surfaced: Dial Up, which will feature juke, seapunk, Jersey club, vaporwave, and other new subgenres on Wednesdays, and Unscene Sundays, which recently hosted UK hotshot Girl Unit. Plus, Decibel director Sean Horton’s booking marquee acts there. Kudos, Q. I’ll eat that regret with relish.

Data Breaker regrets the closure of Easy Street Records’ Queen Anne branch. That store served all music-consumer demographics very solidly, and it boasted one of the best electronic-music sections in the city.

Data Breaker regrets that so few people saw one of the greatest live performances of 2013: the Sun-Ra-meetsConrad-Schnitzler house-music renovations of Hieroglyphic Being, who closed out the phenomenal Debacle Fest to about 20 people.

Data Breaker regrets people’s inertia and apathy—the two biggest enemies of any city’s cultural scene.

In an annual tradition, Data Breaker regrets the grueling duration of Decibel, the world-class electronic-music/digitalarts festival. At five days, it is literally too much of a good thing. If it were scaled back even one day, Decibel would be a much more enjoyable experience. But surely there are sound financial and aesthetic reasons to keep it as is.

Finally, Data Breaker regrets Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories, one of the most-hyped albums of recent times. While it was bold of the French duo to take a “fuck computers, we’re using real live musicians” approach to recording, the actual songs are largely anodyne and cringingly unctuous. It’s a luxury yacht reeking of stale cologne and flat champagne.

Sun Jan 5

Mon Jan 6th

MONDAY NIGHT SQUARE DANCE! THE TALLBOYS

Wed Jan 8

KBCS

COMPELLING SINGER/ SONGWRITERS NICK FOSTER BIG MEDICINE HEELS TO THE HARDWOOD $10 ~ 9pm Sat Jan 11

BLUES AND R&B THE CALIFORNIA HONEYDROPS THE DIP $12 ~ 9pm

THURSDAY 1/2

GALLOWBIRD

EACH

$8

FRIDAY 1/3

$6

SATURDAY 1/4

SURREALIZED

GIBRALTAR,

$8

POVERTY

BY JACKSON HATHORN

REGRETS

Well, 2013, you may have recently left us, but you still have so many musical regrets to answer for. Let’s start with the freshest wounds first.

I regret a rough night of karaoke at Bush Garden on November 1, where I was not emotionally prepared to sing the Rock ’n’ Roll Animal version of “Sweet Jane” five days after Lou Reed’s death. (But to the waitress who hugged me afterward, thank you.)

FRIDAY JANUARY 10 | 7:00 PM GIRLS THAT SHRED: A BENEFIT FOR SKATE LIKE A GIRL CHASTITY BELT, TACOCAT, ATOMIC BRIDE, SUMMER BABES, LURES $10 ADV

FRIDAY JANUARY 17 | 7:30 PM SPEED OF SOUND IN SEAWATER, POST MADONNA $7

SATURDAY JANUARY 18 | 6 PM, 8:30 PM

SUNDAY JAN 19 | 1PM, 3:30 PM, 6 PM

TUESDAY JANUARY 28 | 7:30 PM INTO IT. OVER IT., THE WORLD IS A BEAUTIFUL PLACE AND I AM NO LONGER AFRAID TO DIE, A

ALWAYS ALL AGES

I regret changing my Amazon account’s mailing address to a random street in England in order to download Morrissey’s Autobiography to my Kindle before its American release. I still love Moz, and his book was totally bonkers (in a good way), but I wouldn’t mind if amazon.co.uk stopped sending me increasingly stern e-mails demanding further proof of my English residency. (Jeff Bezos, if you’re reading this, do think you can help me out? The Kindle was a graduation present, and I’d like to use it again one day!)

I regret eating at a Subway in the month of September and finally hearing “Blurred Lines” all the way through. I had high hopes for avoiding that song forever.

I regret the following concert behavior: eating Swedish Fish out of a loud, crinkly bag when the Hive Dwellers played at 20/20 Cycle, drinking too many free VISO energy drinks at the Rainy Dawg Radio 10th anniversary show, and only seeing Chastity Belt six times this year.

I regret the existence of every televised musical award show this year.

I regret spending way too much time watching the kindest, most patient old man teach a young dude next to him how to use a roach clip during the beginning of Charles Bradley’s Bumbershoot performance. Once I started paying attention to the music onstage, the Screaming Eagle of Soul had me in tears.

I regret missing Paul McCartney at Safeco Field for no good reason, and being on airplanes when I could’ve seen the Blow or Kanye West play in Seattle.

I regret that I still don’t know how to stop those annoying comments from popping up on every second of every song on SoundCloud

I’ll have future regrets if you don’t see two gothic post-punk bands out of San Francisco, MANE and Warm White, play with local bluesy wraith-rockers Thee Samedi at Heartland on January 2.

JANUARY 9 TO 16 2014 TH TH P R E S E N T S

JOIN US IN CELEBRATION

1/9 TELEKINESIS

W/WILD ONES

1/10 THE POSIES

W/ALCOHOL FUNNYCAR + RUSTY WILLOUGHBY +POPSICKLE

1/11 GOODNESS

W/THESE STREETS (SELENE VIGIL FROM 7 YEAR BITCH) + LUCKY ME

1/12 TRULY

W/BALI GIRLS + SAGE + HYPERLUNG

1/13 HEY MARSEILLES

W/CATALDO

1/15 THE THERMALS

1/16 BRENT AMAKER & THE RODEO AND MORE!

FILM

Cinema of Regret

Filmmakers, Film Programmers, and Film Writers Hold Forth on 2013’s Sucky Parts

I regret letting myself fall victim to the creativity-killing social anxiety that’s the byproduct of a too-active and entirely selfinduced online presence. That is to say, I regret not producing more

art for fear that no one would like it (“like” it) on the stupid old internet. Video is almost free to make. The potential approval/ rejection of a massive pustular worldwide hate-and-shame machine (with customized ads) should not carry more weight for anyone than the act of creation itself and the simple thrills and pleasures therein. I always hoped I was the kind of person who was willing to do something just ’cause I wanted to see it done, so I’m bummed to have caught myself slipping lately. Mistakes are chill; stasis is lame. Fuck you, 2013. Peace out. Zach Weintraub, filmmaker

Working in a theater allows me to see a lot of film segments, but not a lot of films in their entirety. I’ve seen many beginnings, some middles, and a few endings. How did Blue Jasmine end? What about Enough Said? Does he forgive her? Some of the endings I wish I could swap with other movies. Like The Way Way Back—did it really have to end that way? But my main movie regret this year is saving Touchy Feely for a time when I didn’t have to see it in segments. I wanted

to enjoy that film without interruption. But it came and went, and each day I would try but get swamped with work. My New Year’s resolution is to support local filmmakers by seeing their films in their entirety. No regrets next year. Leah Gold, general manager at Ark Lodge Cinemas

Even though I have programmed the movie in cinemas for years, 2013 was my first time finally sitting down to watch the Talking Heads concert film Stop Making Sense. I doubted it could be as groundbreaking as I had been told, thought David Byrne wasn’t a “real” rock star, and didn’t fully appreciate the music of the Talking Heads. I regret these errors, and wish I had watched it decades ago. I also regret that we decided not to include the pool scene from Showgirls in the clip reel for Kyle MacLachlan when he appeared at SIFF this year. (We’re saving it for an Elizabeth Berkley tribute in 2020, her comeback year.) Finally, I regret trying to perform Prince’s “Batdance” as a karaoke song. —Clinton McClung, programmer at SIFF Cinema

I regret that it took until 2013 for a woman to be appointed second in command at the Pentagon (and only as a temporary replacement). But at least it’s Christine Fox: weapons specialist, mathematician, and real-life inspiration for Top Gun’s main female character, astrophysicist/aviation instructor Charlie, played by Kelly McGillis. I regret that before meeting Fox (wince-inducing naval aviator call sign: “Legs”), producer Jerry Bruckheimer intended for Tom Cruise’s on-screen love interest to be “a groupie or a gymnast.” I also regret that the plight of her pop-culture alter ego is the least of Fox’s worries, as she flies into the danger zone of the Pentagon’s “period of unprecedented budget uncertainty.” —Courtney Sheehan, program director at Northwest Film Forum

I regret that my husband thinks it would have been hotter if Sandra Bullock was shown wearing her space diaper in Gravity. —Lynn Shelton, filmmaker

I regret watching Magic Mike and The First Wives Club back-to-back while polishing off a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. (I mostly regret the Cheetos and The First Wives Club, but the entire ordeal felt pretty shameful.) Jessica Aceti, program director at Central Cinema

I regret missing every installment of the Brown Derby Series at Re-bar and getting seriously addicted to Wandering Goose’s overpriced hand pies. —Wes Hurley, filmmaker

Three Dollar Bill Cinema regrets that we couldn’t do two shows of Peaches Christ and Jinkx Monsoon in Return to Grey Gardens as part of the Seattle Lesbian & Gay Film Festival, in part because we want to see it again. We regret that the outdoor movie Conan the Destroyer had to be shown in “Barbarian Vision” on a semi-inflated screen. We don’t ever want to regret losing Scarecrow Video and encourage everyone in Seattle to buy or rent something there ASAP. —Keith Bacon, artistic director at Three Dollar Bill Cinema

It’s difficult to dislike 2013—I’ve had an incredible year working with the best people in Seattle. What I regret is South Lake Union. My animation studio now is demure; it once lived in an aircraft hangar, on a street with no damn cupcake shops. I regret no longer being able to ride a bicycle to the restroom. I regret they pulled down the last place families could rent for $250 a month, and the sound of their kids playing in the alley behind my workbench. I regret that this is just the beginning.

Web Crowell, animator/filmmaker

What I do regret: missing the summer. I worked and worked. I heard people talk

about the summer. It is so beautiful outside, they exclaimed! They swam, picnicked, biked. They complained about losing their sunglasses, about limp flotation devices, and animals stealing hot dogs from the grill. I regret not having time to go boating. The loss of summer hits twice as hard as we enter January and onward. Those Seething Oven of Resentment Months. These months when I will squint twice as hard to see through the dark clouds and rainy windshield. It is hard to let go of last summer, but I know it’s gone. So fuck it. Fuck last summer. —Clyde Petersen, filmmaker

I regret seeing the film Kick-Ass 2 and then lying to the publicist on the way out and saying it was “funny.” In fact, I regret it every time I lie to a publicist at a press screening and pretend I like the movie, which happens a lot, because most movies aren’t very good (which I also regret). I regret not reviewing Blackfish, a terrible documentary that a lot of people seem to love about a really important subject that requires a more thoughtful film than it got in order to raise awareness and constructively combat a particularly complicated issue. —Matt Lynch, film writer, podcaster, Scarecrow Video employee

I regret not renting all my movies from Scarecrow, not taking greater advantage of the distinct programming of Northwest Film Forum, not being in town for SIFF, not having enough disposable income to make big donations to excellent nonprofits like Reel Grrls, and generally not spending enough of my consumer dollars to support Seattle’s incredible film culture. —Megan Griffiths, filmmaker

I regret not being available to shoot Welcome to Me or Looking, not surfing enough, that you all need to wait until February to see Review with Forrest MacNeil, not staying longer in Iceland, not seeing my godson in England, not staying longer at Sundance, not writing enough, going to bed way too early most nights in New York City, missing the once-in-a-lifetime Goblin tour, that New York/Seattle/LA/Austin/Chicago/Paris/ Berlin/Reykjavik/Mal Pais/Hamburg are not all adjacent to one another, the stomach flu contracted from the birds in Lake Michigan, not fitting into airline seats, my raw apple allergy, missing Iceland Airwaves by a week, that fewer and fewer of my pants can stay up on their own, the food poisoning from Mamoun’s on Saint Marks, and still not having a talking malamute that sounds like Mario Van Peebles in Jaws: The Revenge that follows me everywhere barking pearls of wisdom. Ben Kasulke, cinematographer, 2013 Stranger Genius Award winner

Comment on cinematic regrets at THESTRANGER.COM/FILM

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/film

LIMITED RUN

ALIEN

Ridley Scott’s gut-busting masterpiece of suspense, starring Seattle’s own Tom Skerritt! Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 9:30 pm.

THE BEST EVER MUSIC VIDEO SING-ALONG

How does this evening of music videos differ from previous evenings of music videos at Central Cinema? Simply by being the best one ever. Central Cinema, Thurs Jan 2 at 8 pm.

HERE COMES THE DEVIL

Losing your children in a Mexican cave is pretty much every parent’s worst nightmare. But what if the nightmare actually starts when your children return, seemingly unharmed?

That’s the premise of this supernatural thriller, which juggles several horror themes, including killer children and the occult. Grand Illusion, Fri-Sat 10:15 pm.

KISS THE WATER

A lyrical documentary portrait of Megan Boyd, a British woman who designed remarkably elegant flies, for fly fishing. From the director of The Bridge, Eric Steel. Grand Illusion, Sun 3 pm, Mon 7 pm.

THE THIN MAN

See Stranger Suggests, page 19 Grand Illusion, Fri 6:30 pm, Sat-Sun 4:30, 6:30 pm, Tues 7 pm.

A TOUCH OF SIN

Winner of the best screenplay prize at Cannes, Jia Zhangke’s latest follows four Chinese outcasts driven to a murderous rampage. Northwest Film Forum, FriTues 7, 9:30 pm.

THE UNITED STATES OF A.L.E.C.

A documentary about the American Legislative Exchange Council, one of those wild and wonderful low-profile organizations involving major corporations colluding with the American government. Keystone Church, Fri Jan 3 at 7 pm.

WRONG COPS

A new film from Quentin Dupieux, director of Rubber

(about a killer tire) and Wrong (about a man who loses his dog). Expect more rabid comic surrealism in this new work, which stars Marilyn Manson, Eric Wareheim, Ray Wise, and more weirdos. Grand Illusion, Fri-Sun 8:30 pm, Mon-Tues 9 pm.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN

See Stranger Suggests, page 19. Central Cinema, Fri 7 pm, Sat-Sun 3, 7 pm, Mon-Tues 7 pm.

NOW PLAYING

AMERICAN HUSTLE

It’s hard to pull off a con movie these days, when the impulse to get too elaborate has taken over. But American Hustle has a realistic sense of scale. Christian Bale plays Irving Rosenfeld, a two-bit hustler from the Bronx who sells counterfeit artwork and scams people out of a few thousand dollars at a time. He leads a large and excellent cast, including Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Adams, and Robert De Niro. The movie withholds pertinent information about characters until just the right moment, and it knows how to show its hand before things get too complicated. A good con pulls you close so you can’t see it’s hiding something important from you; American Hustle works exactly like that. (PAUL CONSTANT)

GRUDGE MATCH

Early in Grudge Match, two rival retired boxers (the bluecollar everyman is played by Sylvester Stallone, and the flashy showoff is played by Robert De Niro) get thrown in jail after fighting in public. They’re put in adjacent holding tanks, and De Niro starts heckling Stallone by repeatedly calling him a “super-pussy.” Stallone looks at the other guys in De Niro’s holding tank and says, “Could one of you fellas hurry up and rape this guy already?” That’s really all you need to know about Grudge Match It’s lowest-common-denominator garbage that doesn’t even earn the dubious ranking of the funniest I’m-tooold-for-this-shit comedy starring Robert De Niro to be released this year. (Even the aggressively dull Last Vegas was better than this.) Eventually, the two boxers agree to fight in a high-profile boxing match, and they spend most of the movie training for the bout. Queasy-making and insensitive jokes about race, child rape, and gay

panic clunk around the script, along with the requisite prostate exam. Haw? (PAUL CONSTANT)

HER

Despite the dangerously high-concept premise—“a man falls in love with Siri”— Her is one of the best science-fiction movies I’ve seen in a good long while. It’s not flashy rockets-and-robots sci-fi: The artificial intelligence that Theodore Twombly (Joaquin Phoenix, rumpled and wearing a big, friendly, Vonnegut-like mustache) falls in love with feels less like a quantum leap ahead of Google Now and Siri and more like a couple of well-paced quantum skips. But the AI, which immediately names itself Samantha, is voiced by Scarlett Johansson with a remarkable warmth. Once Twombly powers her into existence, she’s chipper like an enthusiastic retail employee, but she quickly grows fond of him. It’s such an organic progression that only the most cynical viewers will fight it. (PAUL CONSTANT)

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

Joel and Ethan Coen’s caustic, marvelous depiction of the Greenwich Village folk-music scene of the early ‘60s follows down-on-his-luck folksinger Llewyn Davis (Oscar Isaac). Llewyn is not a bad guy, necessarily, but there’s just something about him that pisses people off. Llewyn is the latest in the string of feckless antiheroes that populate the Coen brothers’ best movies, and Isaac turns in an exceptional performance that not only fulfills the role’s technical challenges—that’s Isaac singing every note and plucking every guitar string you hear—but allows you to find some affection for this prickly, troubled character.

(NED LANNAMANN)

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a terrible movie. Directed by and starring Ben Stiller (and costarring a visibly bored Kristen Wiig and Adam Scott’s terrible beard), here’s how it “improves” upon James Thurber’s famous short story about a downtrodden man who daydreams his way through his life: (1) It throws in a romantic subplot. (2) It turns Walter Mitty’s daydreams into a self-helpy parable about the need to live a fully actualized life. (3) Walter Mitty is good at skateboarding! Overall, there’s less a “plot” than a series of handsprings from one product placement to the next.

(ALISON HALLETT)

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

While Leonardo DiCaprio and his desperate, cashslobbery pals do their best to redefine debauchery, Scorsese blows the roof off the goddamn place. After Shutter Island, Hugo, and Shine a Light, it was easy to worry that the 71-year-old director was ossifying, but The Wolf of Wall Street annihilates those concerns. This is a movie that’s funny and alive and furious, and it often feels like a live-action cartoon, outsize and ludicrous, but Scorsese’s not content with that: When Terence Winter’s screenplay turns dark and intense, Scorsese doesn’t let up. (ERIK HENRIKSEN)

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of January 1

ARIES (March 21–April 19): Deep bronzes and smoky cinnamons and dark chocolates will be your lucky colors in 2014. Mellow mahoganies and resonant russets will work well for you, too. They will all be part of life’s conspiracy to get you to slow down, deepen your perspective, and slip into the sweetest groove ever. In this spirit, I urge you to nestle and cuddle and caress more than usual in the coming months. If you aren’t totally clear on where home is, either in the external world or inside your heart, devote yourself to finding it. Hone your emotional intelligence. Explore your roots. On a regular basis, remember your reasons for loving life. Stay in close touch with the sources that feed your eternal soul.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): For many years, French painter Édouard Manet and French poet Stéphane Mallarmé hung out with each other every day. Mallarmé referred to their relationship as “the most complete friendship.” I suspect that in the coming months, Taurus, you may feel naturally inclined to be that close to a boon companion. It might even be the case that having such consistent contact with a like-minded ally will be important to your success and happiness. At the very least, I predict that friendship will be a crucial theme for you in 2014. You will attract exceptional blessings and generate luck for yourself by deepening your ability to cultivate convivial, mutually helpful bonds.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): St. Peter’s Basilica is a very old church in Vatican City. It contains a life-size bronze statue of St. Peter that is at least 700 years old. Over the centuries, countless visitors have paid their respects by kissing and touching the feet of the idol. The metal composing the right foot has been so thoroughly worn down by these gestures that the individual toes have disappeared, leaving a smooth surface. That’s the kind of power your detailed attention and steady affection could give you in 2014, Gemini. Little by little, you can dissolve hardness and soften rigidity. You can transform stony things with your relentless dedication.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): Big rivers don’t travel in straight lines. Their paths are curvy and complicated, with periodic turns and bends. In some places they flow faster and in others they’re slower. Their depth and width may vary along the way, too. Your own destiny is like one of those big rivers, Cancerian. In some years, it meanders for long stretches, slowing down as it wanders along a crooked course. It may even get shallower and narrower for a while. But expect that in 2014, you will be moving more rapidly than usual. You will be traveling a more direct route, and you will be both wide and deep.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): “In games there are rules,” writes sciencefiction author Kim Stanley Robinson, “but in life, the rules keep changing.” This is always true, of course, but I think it will be especially true for you between now and your next birthday. During the coming months, you may sometimes feel as if every last law and formula and corollary is mutating. In some cases, the new rules coming into play will be so different from the old rules you’ve been used to, they may at first be hard to figure out. But now here’s the happy ending: It may take a while, but you will eventually see that these new rules have a logic and beauty that serves your future well.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): I predict that you will not hurt or damage yourself in 2014. Congrats! am also pretty sure that you will commit few, if any, major acts of self-sabotage. More good news: You won’t be anywhere as mean to yourself as you have previously been. The critical little voice in the back of your head won’t be nearly as active. And

even your negative emotions will diminish in frequency and intensity. Hallelujah! Whoopee! Abracadabra!

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): The citizens of Iceland love literature, but many are not content to simply read. One out of every 10 Icelanders writes and publishes a book at sometime in his or her life. I know it’s unrealistic, but I would love to see at least one in 10 of my Libra readers do the same in 2014. I think you’re ready to make a big statement—to express yourself in a more complete and dramatic way than ever before. If you’re not interested in writing a book, I hope you will produce an equivalent accomplishment.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): I’m hoping you will find a new teacher or two in 2014, maybe even a mentor. Not a guru who tells you what to do. Not an exploitative “expert” who claims to know what’s right for you or a charismatic narcissist who collects worshipers. What I wish for you, Scorpio, is that you will connect with wise and humble sources of inspiration, with life-long learners who listen well and stimulate you to ask good questions, with curious guides who open your eyes to resources you didn’t even realize you need. In the coming months, you are primed to launch a quest that will keep you busy and excited for years. I’d love to see you get excellent help in framing that quest.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): In 2014, it’s possible you will be given a cabbage farm or a petting zoo or some bequest that’s not exactly in close alignment with your life’s purpose. But it’s more likely that the legacies and dispensations you receive will be quite useful. The general trend is that allies will make available to you a steady flow of useful things. Your ability to attract what you need will be high. In the coming months, may even have good reason to name you an honorary Scorpio. You might match those Great Manipulators’ proficiency at extracting the essence of what you want from every situation.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): Would you be interested in a motto that will help set the tone for you in 2014? I’ve got a suggestion that’s in alignment with the astrological omens. It’s from a poem by Margaret Atwood. Try saying this and see if it works for you: “Last year I abstained/this year devour/without guilt/which is also an art.” If you choose to make this affirmation your own, be sure you don’t forget about the fact that devouring without guilt is an art—a skill that requires craft and sensitivity. You can’t afford to get blindly instinctual and greedy, compulsively overcompensating for 2013’s deprivations. You’ve got to be cagey and discerning as you satisfy your wild hunger.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): The coming months will be a good time to meditate on the concepts of happy accidents and benevolent trouble. Go ahead and throw constructive mischief into the mix, as well, and maybe even a dose of graceful chaos. Are you game for playing around with so much paradox? Are you willing to entertain the possibility that fate has generous plans for you that are too big and unexpected to figure out yet? There’s only one requirement that you have to meet in order to receive the odd gifts in the spirit in which they’ll be offered: You’ve got to be curious, open-minded, and flexible.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): think we humans need some new emotions. It’s true that old standards like sadness, anger, jealousy, and fear are as popular as ever. But I would personally love to be able to choose from a greater variety, especially if at least 51 percent of the new crop of emotions were positive or inspiring. Now, it so happens that in 2014 you Pisceans will be primed to be pioneers. Your emotional intelligence should be operating at peak levels. Your imagination will be even more fertile than usual. And I expect you will generate far more than your usual share of innovations. So how about it? Are you ready to make revolutionary advancements in the art of feeling unique and interesting feelings? How about amused reverence? Poignant excitement? Tricky sincerity? Boisterous empathy?

Homework: To hear part one of my three-part audio forecasts of your destiny in 2014, go to bit.ly/BigPicture2014.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

FIERY, PASSIONATE, YOURS

I shoot guns.I am an excellent shot. Rock n Roll will save the world. I prefer dogs. Cars excite me. I have made mistakes. I have experienced many victories as well. BroadOnFire, 31

BOOK WORM BOOGIE

Smart and fashionable? Funky and fabulous? Seeking complex partner in crime that can spend the day in bed reading and the night cutting up the dance floor. Pree, 43

WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT.

I have a small but trusty group of friends. I love to travel and eat, and pretty much who I am. I am content with where I am. but companionship escapes me- I think that friendship is the first step. bluebird228, 33

HOPELESS ROMANTIC GIVING LOVING

CARING

I don’t have any pictures up but I will be more than happy to share some if I’m interested. I promise I am fit and attractive. I’m a very kind, caring and giving individual. Looking for someone with similar qualities. Oceandust 27

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

WELL, HELLO THERE!

By day, I am enginerding hardcore. By night, I am knitting with reckless abandon. By weekend, I am skiing (almost) and hiking. I am looking for someone who is kind, laughs a lot, emotionally intelligent and can communicate. Chris5032206, 27

JACK DONAGHY ENTHUSIAST

I’m looking for fun new women to spend time with. Someone who wants to eat delicious food have cocktails, sometimes too many. Someone who has things to teach me. Who’s interests and skills are different from mine. Abraek, 24

INDIANA JONES EXISTS

I’m employed, read a lot, and love to dance. I will go to whatever art show, play, movie, or vacation spot you like. Afterward, we can play anthropologist and naughty harem girl or cabana

ANIMATED CADAVER SEEKS MERCILESS SOCIOPATH I’m not really a necrophiliac. Is that a good way to start a personal ad profile? About me: I wish I had a Shin Cup; best ramen on the market. It’s been fun. Thanks for the memories. JohnnyTomorrow, 28

OOOUU, PICK ME, PICK ME!

Hi, I work a 9 to 5 job and I am in a local band and have some hobbies I really enjoy. I am laid back, love company, and adventure. Speaking of adventure lets start one! Wild_Prince, 42

ATYPICAL NERD SEEKING NERDESS

I’m a pretty nerdy dude that moved here from Nebraska. I don’t have many friends here and I’m looking for someone awesome to spend time with and make memories together. I love going to concerts and playing video games. skoomanon, 20

NERDY, TATTOOED, FOODY I enjoy making tasty food for friends and cup of strong coffee. I’m intelligent but rarely use that intelligence when I’m not having random impassioned discussions. My ideal mate is beautiful, funny, opinionated, sarcastic, artistic, and smarter than I am. AnotherNerdySeattleite, 23

CONCUPISCENT, CARING, COLLEGIATE CUTIE SEEKS... Some things I’m fond of: yoga, yogis, and Yogi tea. Artistic pursuits. Electronic music (trip hop!) and dancing. Watching educational documentaries about particle physics or the animal kingdom. Some personal traits I value: Honesty, playfulness, wit, intelligence, spontaneity, creativity. sophism, 19

IN THROUGH THE OUT DOOR

AGELESS, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY, CONVERSATIONALIST, MUSICIAN I am a people person Music is a huge part of who I am Doing the things I love and being fluid keeps me young. I love a great sense of humor, a girl who smiles easily and frequent. Cheers. donovanbeginagain, 44

...not the wrong way, just the other way around. Which is the way I prefer, roundabout. It would be fantabulous to find a partner in things naughty and nice, for walks in the park and shenanigans in the alley. callipygienne, 28

SMART, FUNNY, PUNK Winnie the poo said it the best, I am a simple bear with simple needs., I care more about a persons heart and mind than there looks. I am a nerd and love computers, science, cooking, brewing, building, and learning. ccaston90, 23

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

FRUSTRATED CRUISE DIRECTOR

QUIET ARTISTIC INTROVERT Haven’t dated in awhile.

In my house growing up the holy trinity was books, movies, and music. Hence my favorite places are libraries, book stores, live music venues, record stores, and indie-friendly movie theaters. Personally speaking, I’m funny, goofy, smart, kind, and affectionate. poonchkie, 40

IF YOU COULD BE ANYONE

Just be someone who loves to laugh and looks for the hilarity in life. Please be silly. Please be yourself. Please be going somewhere if you’re not already there. Have plenty of inspiration, ideas, imagination, and most of all, integrity. CandyCorn, 46

MOTO RIDING MODERN NATURE GIRL

Shy adventure seeker looking for fellow explorer. Let’s explore the city, nature, twisty roads, live music, new foods, art, life, just about anything else. GirlwiththeCurl, 33

LOOKING FOR MY DARYL DIXON

I’m just a big old softie who loves puppies & coloring. I also love horror movies & zombies. I love cuddling, but NOT on the first date, I’d like to get to know you a little bit first. JessicaDaily, 31

boy and lady executive. You decide. Jack_Be_Nimble, 40

VARANGIAN ADVENTURER/SEASICK

SAILOR

Errant northman in search of a good time. Not really sure what kind of relationship I want, but I’m always open to having fun. Lover of canine companions and sea food. And sometimes cats. Wednesday_Flier, 28

LONELY DOCTOR ON THE REBOUND

I love to hear secrets. Write me if you want to go to a show, karaoke, beach it, make out, do something kinky, listen to records, ride on my motorcycle, hunt for mushrooms, make some music and/or snuggle. dinosaurjr, 33

SUPER DUPER COOLYWAP!!!

Hey, I’m Chris. As far as LTR goes I will KNOW her when I see her. Other than that I would like to meet a nice gal and grab some drinks or dinner and see where it goes. seattlenewt, 42

SAVAGE LOVE

Let It Go BY

DAN SAVAGE

I’m a 34-year-old straight female. I am morbidly obese and have been for most of my life. I have never dated. I’ve been on a couple of dates, and only when I asked the guy out. From reading your columns and books, I am aware that some men are attracted to fat women. But since I never received any real sexual attention as a teen/twentysomething, I don’t know how to deal with men in a sexual way or in a way that would develop into a relationship. I also think my (lack of) experience has caused me to become bitter toward men. How do I stop being bitter and learn how to develop a romantic relationship?

Fat And Bitter

Romantic and/or sexual relationships are something you learn by doing, FAB, so you’ll have to start doing them—you’ll have to start doing men—to learn how they’re done. There are men out there who are into BBW, aka big beautiful women, but folks on Twitter recommended staying away from BBW-focused websites (which tend to be overrun by fetishists) and go with mainstream sites like OKCupid instead.

should we stop for the duration?

Belly Erects Long Lovely Youknowwhat

“There certainly are consensual boundaries that only the person and their partner can know how to navigate,” says Dr. Leah Torres, an obstetrician/gynecologist with a special focus on family planning, “but I encourage safety first always.”

And Dr. Torres sees danger in what you’re doing, BELLY. “Abdominal muscles protect and hold our intestines, liver, spleen, pancreas, etc. in place, and there can be risk involved in blunt trauma such as punches in the abdomen, especially if the muscles are ‘relaxed’ and therefore not protective,” says Dr. Torres. “For example, if someone has an infection like cytomegalovirus (‘mono’), the spleen can be more susceptible to injury. Blunt trauma could cause splenic rupture and internal bleeding that could be life threatening. While that is uncommon, it is an example of how something that appears ‘not dangerous’ could become so given the right circumstances.”

But maybe dating sites aren’t the place to start.

“More important than worrying about finding people to date who love your size is making sure YOU love your size,” says Jolene Parton, a fat dancer, sex worker, and activist. “Self-love can be the hardest thing in the world for a fat woman, but it’s the best way to inspire others to love you and your body, FAB. Getting plugged into a fatpositive community might help you find friends and lovers who love the whole you. NAAFA.org and Nolose.org are both great places to start.”

So let’s say you’ve learned to love your body and you’re ready to date. What to do about the bitterness? Let it go. Resolve not to punish a man who expresses an interest in you now for failing to kick down your door a decade ago. And, yes, men suck, we really do. But you know what? Women can be sucky and shallow and judge people on appearances alone, too. (Ask any short guy.) But it might help you keep things in perspective—and let go of the bitterness—if you bear this in mind: We all have to make ourselves vulnerable to people we’re attracted to, and sometimes those people respond by shitting all over us. Straight women shit on straight men, straight men shit on straight women, gay men shit on each other, lesbians shit on each other, bisexuals shit on everybody. All of us have had our hearts broken or, even worse, ignored, and every last one of us has cause to walk around feeling bitter about men, women, or both. Most people let it go, FAB, and you can, too.

One other bit of advice: Be open about being inexperienced. That will attract some guys and scare some others off. Good riddance to the ones it scares off, FAB, but don’t assume that guys who are interested are necessarily nice guys. Some will be, of course, but some might be manipulators who want to take advantage of your inexperience or your perceived desperation. To help you sort the good ones from the bad ones, FAB, convene a small panel of friends to serve as your bullshit detectors. Your own bullshit detectors aren’t gonna be good—they also don’t develop until you start dating—so ask your panel to point out any red flags that you’ve missed. Good luck!

I’m a 30ish woman in a lovely GGG relationship with a man about my age. I’m submissive and masochistic; he’s dominant and willing to inflict some pain. Neither of us has tons of BDSM experience, but we’re enjoying each other. My question: My boyfriend is into belly punching. I’m happy to indulge him and have started to enjoy it. He likes it when I relax my abdominal muscles. Is this safe? What precautions should we take? Does the fact that I have an IUD factor in? And if I ever get pregnant,

One precaution you could take? Stop relaxing your abdominal muscles and use them—use your tensed, flexed abdominal muscles—to protect your internal organs. “There is no risk to the IUD, as it is inside a very small uterus that is in the lower pelvis,” says Dr. Torres. “But when someone is pregnant (!), I would recommend no belly punching—not under any circumstances!”

I’m a gay man of about 30, in a relationship with a great guy. But he seems to be “feminizing” me, and I hate it! I’ve spent the last decade in grad school. I stayed in shape—above average!—but there was no time for significant exercise. I’ve started working out hard, but the going is slow. I weigh about 20 pounds less than my boyfriend. I find that I simply can’t match his level of aggression in bed. He has even joked a couple times about me being more “the woman” in our relationship—and I don’t like that. However, quite frankly, it’s not like I can toss him into bed and have my way with him. I want him to see me as another man in bed. It’ll be another year or two before I really reach his level of athleticism. Any ideas in the meantime?

Not One To Feel Entirely Masculine

Just one, NOTFEM: Get over yourself.

Watching a man wring his hands about his fragile manliness—watching a man dissolve into a puddle of insecurity—hardly makes him seem more masculine. (And it doesn’t make him seem more feminine. It just makes him look ridiculous.) And 20 pounds of muscle do not “make the man,” any more than being the tosser as opposed to the tossee does. Being comfortable in your own skin makes you a man. No, scratch that. Being comfortable in your own skin makes you a person—a decent, tolerable, secure, and attractive person (And a man who’s passive in bed is still a man! Christ!)

If your boyfriend says something that annoys you (“You’re the woman!”), tell him to knock it off. But your boyfriend could be “joking” about you being the passive one because he prefers it that way. If he would rather be the tosser, NOTFEM, you’ll need to either find a different boyfriend or stop grounding your sense of masculinity in something so arbitrary as a game of who-tossedwho-farther and who-can-bench-press-what.

Jolene Parton burns up Twitter @jolenestarshine.

Dr. Leah Torres regularly posts about women’s health issues and smacks down antichoice trolls on Twitter @LeahNTorres and blogs at Leahtorres.com.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

Participants needed for a UW and Seattle VA study of how treatments help reduce drinking and anxiety. The study is evaluating the effectiveness of two different talk therapies (alcohol or trauma focused). Volunteers will be paid up to $483 for assessments. Counseling is provided at no cost. Participants must be 18 years of age or older. Both men and women are welcome to participate. If interested, please call the APT Study at 206-543-0584.