The Stranger Vol. 23, No. 3

Volume 23, Issue Number 3 September 18–24, 2013

STUDY GUIDE

Questions for The Stranger, Volume 23, Issue 3

1. This is The Stranger’s annual Back to School issue, in which Stranger staffers endorse various illegal and ill-advised things under the guise of “advice no one else will give you,” and then irresponsibly refuse to sign their names to most of it. Why do you suppose that is?

2. Of all the irresponsible advice in this issue, which do you think is the most reckless? The advice about how to get away with underage drinking? The encouragement to “wake and bake” on the weekends? The detailed description of how to cheat on a romantic partner without being caught, right down to the name of the app you can buy for your phone that will help you perpetrate such deception? Or is the most irresponsible advice the casual but persistent undermining of the value of a fouryear degree, even though people with college degrees have been proven to do better in the job market than people without them?

3. In a desperate attempt to appear “cool,” or perhaps to appeal to advertisers that covet “the youth demographic,” all of the aforementioned content is accompanied by fashion photos starring college-age models in various states of duress, inebriation, pregnancy, and nudity. With a black Sharpie, draw X’s on the eyes of all the models in this issue you predict will develop drug addictions, eating disorders, or crippling depression.

4a. Three pieces of advice in this issue are actually signed by Stranger staffers, for no discernable reason except that some Stranger staffers are insufferable narcissists who refuse to write anything if it doesn’t yield more attention being paid to their precious, one-of-a-kind selves. These three bylined pieces are by EMILY NOKES (one of her paragraphs begins: “Of the half-dozen or so times I was arrested as a minor…”), CHARLES MUDEDE (who has the gall to state that he can sense racism in someone just by looking at them), and DAN SAVAGE (even though his sexand-relationships advice column Savage Love appears in every issue of The Stranger, he contributes an essay of advice for college students about… wait for it… sex and relationships). On a blank piece of paper, list these three writers’ names in order of who’s the biggest narcissist.

4b. If Mr. Savage or Mr. Mudede is not at the top of your list, throw away your piece of paper and start again.

HUGHES

Find podcasts, videos, blogs, MP3s, free classifieds, personals, contests, sexy ads, and more on The Stranger’s website.

Africa MAMA

(9/18) A. Scott Berg

A Biography of Woodrow Wilson

(9/19) Town Music Season Preview/Happy Hour with Joshua Roman (9/19) Town Music Roomful of Teeth

(9/19) Scott Berkun ‘The Year Without Pants’

(9/20) Peter Doherty Birdlife & Pandemics

(9/21 & 22) Saturday Family Concerts Caspar Babypants ‘Baby Beatles’ CD Release

(9/23) Lucy Moore with Alice Shorett Stories from an Environmental Mediator

(9/23) Bill McKibben The Education of an Unlikely Activist

(9/23) Discovery Institute The Information Economy Creating the Next Boom

(9/24) Patricia Churchland The Self as Brain

(9/25) Hazel Rose Markus and Alana Conner Bridging Our Cultural Conflicts

(9/26) Peter Bagge with Cienna Madrid ‘The Margaret Sanger Story’ (9/26) Kenneth Pollack Our Problem with Iran

(9/27) Panel Discussion The Future of News in the Digital Age

LAST DAYS

The Week in Review BY

DAVID SCHMADER

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 This week of grim anniversaries, vicious obituaries, and criminally bad boyfriends kicks off in Seattle, where early this morning a woman went in search of Doritos and wound up a suspect in a hot nacho-cheese attack. As Jonah Spangenthal-Lee recounts at the police-report-compiling SPD Blotter, the incident went down just before one a.m., when a woman entered a 7-Eleven in West Seattle and bought a bag of Doritos, which she then opened and began filling with liquid chili cheese from the store’s dispenser.

“When the clerk informed the woman he would have to charge her for the cheese, she flew into a rage and began screaming at the man, before she threw the cheese-filled bag at his head, spattering him with hot orange goo,” writes Spangenthal-Lee. “The victim called 911 and officers arrived to find the man with cooling cheese on his hat and face. The victim told officers he believed the suspect—a black female, about 35 years old, wearing large hoop

To submit an unsigned confession or accusation, send an e-mail to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty.

WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS, HEROIN JUNKIES?

Hi there, Mr. and Ms. Junkie, I’m the person who has caught you multiple times shooting up in front of my apartment in the heart of Capitol Hill. Sorry for freaking out on you, but, as I said: NOT COOL. It’s broad daylight, and you’re directly in front of my door, underneath my neighbor’s apartment where a 4-year-old kid lives. I completely understand the demons of addiction, but seriously? How can you think that shooting up next to someone’s house is a good idea? I appreciate that you cleaned up your mess—nevertheless, get some help. Here are some clinics that might be of assistance. We’ve also installed blue floodlights in the area, so good luck finding a fucking vein. I’m not assuming you read The Stranger or would even visit a treatment clinic, but maybe this will help someone somewhere.

kingcounty.gov/courts/detention/ resource_guide/drug_alcohol.aspx, 722-3700 evergreentreatment.org, 223-3644 solutions4recovery.com, 800-473-2134 —Anonymous

earrings and a grey sweatsuit—is a regular at the store. The clerk was not seriously injured.”

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 In worse news, the week continues in Florida, where a woman is living through a contender for the worst breakup ever. Details come from CNN, which identifies our protagonist as Remee Lee, a 26-year-old woman who was reportedly “madly in love” with her boyfriend, 28-year-old John Welden, when she suspected she might be pregnant. “They went together for a sonogram at Welden’s father’s Tampaarea clinic,” reports CNN. “The test showed she was six weeks pregnant. Despite her boyfriend’s reluctance, Lee planned to have the baby.” Things were fine until a few days after the sonogram, when Welden told Lee her blood tests had revealed an infection that required amoxicillin, which he then provided her. “After she took only one pill, Lee was rushed to the hospital with abdominal pain and bleeding,” reports CNN. “She lost the baby. When doctors inspected the pills, it was discovered that they were not antibiotics, but abortion pills.” Indicted under the federal Unborn Victims of Violence Act, John Welden appeared in court earlier this week, where he pleaded guilty to killing the couple’s unborn baby, for which he faces up to 13 years in prison. “Every day is a nightmare for me ever since this began,” Remee Lee told CNN’s Chris Cuomo. “Even hearing the guilty [plea]… it’s hard to believe it.”

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Nothing happened today, unless you count the 12th anniversary of the worst day in contemporary American history, when Islamic jihadists hijacked four commercial flights, crashing the planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania, killing nearly 3,000 people, as well as 19 piece-of-shit hijackers. Today, this awful anniversary was commemorated by millions of Americans, and exploited by a handful of clueless-and-worse businesses. Top of the list: AT&T, which produced an ad showing an image of the 9/11 Memorial “Tribute in Light” on the screen of a Blackberry Z10, alongside the phrase “Never forget.” Runner-up: the Wisconsin golf course offering nine holes of golf for $9.11, which the golf course owners originally defended as a significant 9/11 tribute before agreeing to donate today’s profits to a 9/11 memorial fund.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 In lighter news, the week continues with a story that doesn’t involve the murder of 3,000 people for an insane religious ideal. At the center of today’s tale: Marianne Theresa JohnsonReddick, a woman who spent eight years as a Catholic nun before she married and gave birth to six children, living out her life in Nevada before dying on August 30 at age 78. In response to their mother’s death, two of Johnson-Reddick’s adult children wrote an obituary, which was published this past Tuesday in the Reno Gazette-Journal and soon went viral. “[Our mother] spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible,” read the obit. “Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and [exposed] to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human

2013

Make Art! Win Cash!

The Stranger and the Portland Mercury invite amateur filmmakers, actual filmmakers, porn stars, porn-star wannabes, kinksters, vanillas, and other creative types to make short porn films—five minutes max—for HUMP! 2013. Films selected for HUMP! 2013 will be screened over three weekends in November in Seattle, Portland, and Olympia. HUMP! films can be hardcore, softcore, liveaction, animated, rough, tender, kinky, vanilla, straight, gay, lez, bi, trans, genderqueer—anything goes at HUMP! (Almost anything: no poop, no animals, no minors.) HUMP! films are not released online or in any other form. Filmmakers retain all rights. HUMP! does not keep copies of the films once the festival is over. HUMP! lets you be a porn star for the weekend—not the rest of your life!

THERE ARE NO ENTRY FEES FOR HUMP!

THERE ARE PRIZES! BIG ONES!

Three first-place prizes and one grand prize are awarded at HUMP! by audience ballot.

Best Humor: $1,000 First Prize, $250 Runner-Up

Best Sex: $1,000 First Prize, $250 Runner-Up

Best Kink: $1,000 First Prize, $250 Runner-Up Best in Show: $5,000 Grand Prize

Extra-credit items for 2013: bowling pins, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton (Include one or more of these items in your film, and you get extra points!)

ALL SUBMISSIONS DUE BY SEPTEMBER 30, 2013. For more details on entering HUMP!—technical requirements, release forms, etc.—go to humpseattle.com.

spirit. On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.” Speaking to the Daily Mail , 58-year-old Patrick Reddick—son of Marianne and coauthor of the obituary—said the toxic memorial was intended to shame his dead mother, whom he claims beat all her children from infancy and forced them to sleep on the floor while she ran a prostitution business out of their home. “We wanted people doing this to their kids to ask themselves: ‘Do you want this to be your legacy? Do you want this to be your obituary?’” said Patrick Reddick to the Daily Mail, adding that he and his siblings are planning a celebration at the end of the month.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 In worse news, the week continues with a heartbreaking tragedy in Seattle. Our setting: Pioneer Square, where tonight 46-year-old Troy Wolff was walking with his 30-year-old girlfriend after a Sounders game. As KOMO reports, the pair was “suddenly confronted by a man who pulled out a small knife and began stabbing

[Wolff’s girlfriend] repeatedly in the torso… Wolff attempted to intervene, and the suspect turned on him and began stabbing him repeatedly in the neck and torso.” Upon being rushed to the hospital, the 30-year-old woman was listed in serious condition, and Troy Wolff—chairman of the English department at Shoreline Community College, where he’d taught for 17 years—was pronounced dead. Tomorrow, the 44-year-old suspect will be booked into King County Jail for investigation of murder. “Police said there are indications that the suspect was operating at a diminished mental capacity,” reports KOMO. Condolences to all, including the mental-health-service-cutting politicians who must have trouble sleeping these days.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Nothing happened today, unless you count the continuation of the 2013 Washington State Fair in Puyallup , the glorious annual explosion of farm animals, deep fryers, and gravitational fuckery that will forever be delightful (especially in the post-I-502 era). The last day of this year’s fair is Sunday, September 22. Comport yourselves accordingly.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

Nothing happened today, unless you count Nina Davuluri becoming the first contestant of Indian heritage to be crowned Miss America, or Seattle’s team beating San Francisco’s team in a game of football.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com, and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

Get spattered with hot orange goo at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

Who Wants to Keep Big Money in Local Politics?

The City’s Top 20 Political Donors Are All Absent from the Campaign to Reform Elections

BY CIENNA MADRID

You may be unfamiliar with the name Matt Griffin, but most local politicians all but have Griffin’s name tattooed over their hearts. The managing partner of Pine Street

Group LLC, which is behind developments such as the twin towers recently completed on Sixth and Lenora, Griffin has donated to virtually every major political campaign in Seattle for the last five years. In 2009 and 2011, he was the top contributor to Seattle City Council races. He also supported a number of issue-driven campaigns, including the pro-tunnel campaign in 2011, in addition to donating to campaigns that levied property taxes for a new downtown seawall, parks, and schools. And this election cycle, Griffin is once again on track to be among the city’s most generous donors—he’s already given the

“The political community that normally donates to this sort of campaign isn’t donating to ours.”

maximum $700 allowed to City Attorney Pete Holmes (who is running unopposed), Council Members Richard Conlin, Sally Bagshaw, and Mike O’Brien, and mayoral candidates Ed Murray and Tim Burgess.

But Griffin’s name is noticeably absent from one campaign contribution list this year: Fair Elections Seattle.

If approved by voters this fall, that group’s ballot measure would create a public campaign financing system in Seattle. Proponents of the plan, including some city council members who placed it on the ballot, say it would increase the number and quality of candidates running for office, as well as encourage voter turnout.

But for the city’s top 20 campaign donors identified by the Seattle Ethics and Elections

Destroying a Neighborhood?

Maple Leaf Residents Say They Need to Be “Saved” from a Bike Lane

BY ANNA MINARD

“Y

ou can help save a Seattle neighborhood,” read a hopeful subject line in my inbox. From what? I wondered. An evil corporate developer? A ruthless slumlord? A violent crime wave? No, it turns out. From the scourge of… A bike lane.

Neighbors in Maple Leaf are mad that the city will soon repaint stripes on a 10-block stretch of Roosevelt Way Northeast, between

Commission, which include Griffin, public financing could diminish their outsize influence over city politics. Outsider candidates could run without appealing to big contributors, and well-heeled donors could cease to make or break elections. Why don’t they support public financing?

“I don’t know if it would make much of a difference,” Griffin says. “I hate to see the city take on more financial costs when we need so many other things fixed—like streets and more money for police.”

Griffin is not alone in withholding his support.

“We are not intending to get involved with that campaign,” confirms Rebecca Hale, a spokeswoman for the Mariners, which the elections commission identified as one of the top 20 political donors in 2009 and 2011. (This year, Seattle’s favorite baseball team has maxed out contributions to Conlin, Bagshaw, and Murray, as well as city council challenger Albert Shen.)

“The political community that normally donates to this sort of campaign isn’t donating to ours,” laments Jake Faleschini, campaign manager for Fair Elections Seattle. “It’s taken us back a bit.”

commission records. The sum falls short of the $100,000 to $200,000 typically required to inform voters with mailers and other outreach. Ironically, if the campaign can’t raise big private donations now, the measure could founder this fall, thereby keeping the system that now empowers Griffin and donors like him.

to materialize. “They don’t have to be particularly accomplished incumbents,” former council member Peter Steinbrueck argued in testimony before the commission at the time. “They can just be really good fundraisers… They are immediately seen as the stronger candidate and unbeatable.”

In 2011, winning Seattle council candidates raised an average of $275,000—that’s up nearly $100,000 from 2009.

The endorsement list for public financing reads like a who’s who of progressives—including six district Democratic groups, the ACLU of Washington, El Centro de la Raza, the Tenants Union of Washington State, eight out of nine current city council members (minus Sally Bagshaw), Mayor Mike McGinn, and even Hempfest.

On the other side, the Seattle Metropolitan Chamber of Commerce has the dubious honor of being the first and only organization to oppose public campaign financing. The business group typically represents moneyed downtown interests. The chamber dismissed the measure on its blog, saying public campaign financing “would not necessarily address the concerns” raised by its proponents.

Fair Elections Seattle, or Proposition 1, as it will be listed on the ballot, would establish a system in which participating political candidates must raise at least $10 (no more than $50) from 600 Seattle residents. Those funds would then be publicly matched six-to-one, giving each candidate no more than $245,00 to spend on his or her bid for office. A property tax, penciling out to an average of $6 annually for a $400,000 home, would be levied to pay for the measure.

Internal polling shows that the measure does well with informed residents, Faleschini says. However, the campaign had raised only $58,000 as of August 31, according to elections

75th and 85th Streets, to make a new northbound bike lane. It’ll mean losing parking on one side of the street, and a lane of traffic in morning rush hour on the other side of the street (where currently the parking strip turns into a peak-hour traffic lane).

The need for public financing was underscored in an elections commission report last year that identified a trend in Seattle: As incumbents raised more money from the same pool of top donors, challengers simply failed

David Virden has been a spokesman for outspoken neighbors who worry that losing parking and vehicle lanes will transform Roosevelt into a trafficky mess. “This proposal makes walking along this stretch of road much more dangerous,” Virden warns. It’s a familiar argument.

Over the past few years, the city has reduced traffic lanes and built bicycle lanes on Nickerson Street, Stone Way North, Fauntleroy Way, and Northeast 125th Street—the controversial “road diets.” In each case, neighbors claimed traffic would be worse and accidents would result. But those “predictions of gloom and doom,” says SDOT spokesman Richard Sheridan, “never come to pass.” The city found that on Stone Way, for example, traffic decreased 6 percent, injurious collisions dropped 33 percent, and bicycle traffic increased 35 percent. Although the Maple Leaf project isn’t a

Large cities like New York and Los Angeles already have public campaign finance systems in place, and studies confirm that more women and people of color run for office in municipalities that institute them. And they promote greater voter turnout overall, specifically more voter participation in low-income and minority communities.

Bobby Forch, who ran a close campaign against Council Member Jean Godden in 2011, says he endorsed Fair Elections Seattle in part because calling those big donors costs candidates time that should be spent talking to regular Seattle residents. Forch says, “There’s a lot of great talent that could come into the political process, if not for the fear that they can’t raise enough money. That’s a fact.”

Breaking news and city gossip at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

road diet, per se (it’s less dramatic), these bike-lane clashes have represented a proxy battle over competing visions between transit, bicycles, and density, and an old-school mind-set that defends low-density neighborhoods built for cars.

Virden and his neighbors have been fighting the city on this Roosevelt restriping for three years. In that time, says SDOT project manager Brian Dougherty, the city has taken their feedback into account, allowing for two lanes of traffic near traffic signals to let vehicles turn quickly and allowing space for cars to pass buses at bus stops.

Some complaints Virden raised are legitimate. One section runs three blocks without any cross streets or crosswalks, which Virden calls “insane.” On this point, Virden is right: SDOT should probably capitulate on this and put in another crosswalk.

Lesbian Council President MIA on Anti-LGBT Hate

The Council Says Russian Anti-LGBT Violence, Laws “Off-Topic”

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

One of four Russian consuls general living in the United States sent an agitated letter to Seattle mayor Mike McGinn earlier this month.

Andrey Yushmanov demanded to know why the mayor joined a “misleading” protest against Russia’s new anti-LGBT laws and an upswing in antigay violence there. McGinn had been among about 250 people demonstrating on September 3 in front of the Russian consular residence, which prompted Yushmanov to write that he was “unpleasantly surprised” when he was shown photos of the mayor holding a “Stop Putin” sign in front of the mansion’s gates.

“I would appreciate it if you could clarify whether your support of the protesters reflects the official position of the authorities of Seattle?” Yushmanov pressed.

McGinn offered an unapologetic defense in his reply to Yushmanov. “Tolerance of homosexuality means not calling its legality into question,” McGinn wrote in a letter delivered to Yushmanov last Friday. He added that Russia’s policies “condemn homosexuality while promoting reticence in the face of hate-based violence.”

But McGinn stopped short of stating an official city position—as the consul had inquired about.

Asked why the mayor spoke only for himself and not on behalf of the city, McGinn’s office said the Seattle City Council refused to join him in taking a position against the antigay laws.

“We inquired with the council president [Sally Clark] to see if the council would support a joint resolution expressing the City of Seattle’s official position regarding antiLGBT laws in Russia,” said mayoral spokesman Robert Cruickshank. “She declined.”

Speaking for Clark, council spokeswoman Dana Robinson Slote explained that the council declined because they considered it “off-topic.” Antigay laws in Russia, and antigay violence consuming that country, did not “directly relate to city work,” said Robinson Slote.

an end to apartheid in South Africa (twice), supporting democracy in South Africa, and asking for the release of Nelson Mandela.

The city council once famously took up the cause of abused circus animals.

Was all that “directly related to city work”? Does council president Clark—who is a lesbian herself and voted for many of the resolutions— believe the current and previous councils were wrong to pass all those resolutions?

Laws recently passed under President Vladimir Putin have banned “gay propaganda,” criminalized tourists who exhibit “gay behavior,” made pride parades illegal, and blocked adoptions by gay people. A surge of antigay hate crimes has swept Russia in the wake of the passage of these laws. Organized vigilante groups across Russia are abducting gay teenagers, beating them, forcing them to drink urine, sexually assaulting them, and then posting video to Russian social media sites without fear, because the authorities approve. A new law moving through the Russian Duma would remove children from the homes of gay and lesbian parents.

Circus animals and the Iraq war were considered on-topic.

Russian LGBT activists have called on gay people around the world to speak up on their behalf.

“At this point, the more Russians know and the Kremlin knows that the world is watching, the safer we feel on the ground,” Russian lesbian activist and author Masha Gessen said at a public meeting in New York City.

That’s an interesting argument from the city council—that they adopt resolutions only on issues that relate directly to city business—because the council has recently passed resolutions opposing federal approval of genetically modified salmon, supporting a statewide initiative to label genetically modified foods, endorsing marriage equality in Washington State, and seeking an end to the Iraq war. The Seattle City Council has also passed resolutions denouncing the oppressive military regime in Burma, calling for

Face-Plant

The “Small Business” Face of a Campaign to Oppose a Higher Minimum Wage BY

IGOLDY

t is hard to put a sympathetic face on a political campaign to pay workers a poverty-level minimum wage, but Scott Ostrander, the general manager of Cedarbrook Lodge, is doing his darndest. “I’m shaking here tonight because I’m going to be forced to lay people off for something that’s not their fault,” a woeful Ostrander said at the July 23 meeting of the SeaTac City Council.

But Yushmanov argued in his letter that gays are treated with a “spirit of tolerance” under Russia’s constitution, which bans discrimination, and, as such, the protest’s portrayal of Russia being intolerant toward gay people “is simply not true.” The antipropaganda laws are purportedly designed to help kids. “The goal of public policy toward children is to protect them from factors that can negatively affect their physical, intellectual, mental, spiritual, and moral development,” Yushmanov said in defense of the law, adding that “punishing a country for having a different opinion is a form of discrimination in itself.”

“I disagree,” McGinn said in his letter. Does the city also disagree?

Not according to council president Clark.

If SeaTac’s Proposition 1 passes—mandating a $15 an hour minimum wage and other benefits for airport, car rental, and hospitality workers—the consequences, says Ostrander, will be beyond his control.

“I’m going to take away their livelihood,” Ostrander threatened before embracing the empathetic flip side to his paternalistic role: “God that hurts. It really, really hurts.”

Poor, poor Scott Ostrander.

Ostrander has testified that his workers “all get two meals a day, complimentary.” Paying a higher minimum wage could force him to stop feeding his workers. Which is sad, says Ostrander, because “sometimes that’s the only meal they get.” (Is he saying that his employees sometimes can’t afford meals on

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their low current wages?)

Ostrander and his committee did not respond to a request for comment for this story.

As the cochair of Common Sense SeaTac, the industry-backed PAC opposing Proposition 1, Ostrander has been all over the media lately. The 117-employee Cedarbrook Lodge is “a very small business,” Ostrander was at pains to repeat during his July 23 testimony, “one of the smallest hotels in SeaTac, and not a multinational large corporation.” At a July 16 town hall, he said, “We represent the working, the retired, the taxpayers…”

But you know who else Ostrander represents? Members of Seattle’s wealthy Wright

SOURCES SAY

• Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll recently met with retired four-star general Peter Chiarelli, when Carroll reportedly started badgering the former army vice chief of staff with questions about whether the 9/11 attacks had been faked by the US government, according to a report on Deadspin. “Every 9/11 conspiracy theory you can think of, Pete asked about,” claims Riki Ellison, the former NFL linebacker who arranged the meeting, and was reportedly there in the room.

• At a Monday press conference on last weekend’s disturbing double stabbing in Pioneer Square, Mayor Mike McGinn slammed the state legislature—and, by proxy, his mayoral challenger, state senator Ed Murray—for failing to adequately fund mental health beds. “We view this as an emergency,” he said, and vowed to start looking at ways Seattle can fund its own mental health services, perhaps via a

Fewer Pot Stores, More Pot

The Feds Get Strict, and the State Supports More Marijuana

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

On September 6, the Washington State Liquor Control Board announced it would scrap a method for measuring distances between legal pot shops and schools to meet new demands from the US Department of Justice. “They made it clear that the measurement we are using is not their measurement, and they will enforce their measurement,” says liquor board director Rick Garza.

State regulators rightfully acceded to the demand, thereby establishing 1,000-foot buffers for pot business around certain properties “as the crow flies,” not by a “common path of travel” (such as by walking down the sidewalk).

Despite the bullying tactics—listen to us or we’ll send in SWAT teams—the move marks the first fruitful cannabis conversations between state officials and the DOJ, which said recently it will allow legalization laws to proceed in Colorado and Washington. Mapping potential pot properties will also

family—owners of the Space Needle and the adjacent Chihuly museum, not to mention Wright Hotels, which operates 40 hotels in 15 states, including the Seattle Sheraton, the Marriott Waterfront, and Ostrander’s “very small” Cedarbrook Lodge. The Space Needle itself is in the midst of its own ugly labor dispute, resulting in unfair labor practice charges from the National Labor Relations Board—a federal trial started September 17. So that is the true face of SeaTac’s “No on Good Jobs” campaign—Seattle’s Space Needle and the millions of dollars of out-ofstate corporate money bound to pour into their PAC.

dedicated tax source. Reached for comment, Murray said it’s “unfortunate” that the mayor “doesn’t understand what the legislature did this year when it enacted Obamacare,” and he lauded the state legislature for getting the Affordable Care Act and the Medicare expansion approved. What the mental health funding in the Affordable Care Act will mean, says Murray, “may be the most significant thing in mental health funding since the Lyndon Johnson administration… And it’s unfortunate the mayor doesn’t understand that.”

• Seattle City Council member Tim Burgess also wasted no time using the tragedy for political rhetoric. “Yet another example of how my city has surrendered our streets,” he wrote on Facebook. “We should be outraged.”

• A SurveyUSA poll of 503 likely Seattle voters conducted last weekend shows mayoral challenger Murray creaming McGinn 52 to 30 percent if the election were held today. Both men got about 30 percent of August’s primary election vote, but while Murray now appears to be picking up support, McGinn looks stuck with his base.

be easier, and Garza suggests it may help city councils across the state feel more comfortable about pot shop locations in their cities. While the downside is that there will be less space for pot shops in Seattle, there is also good news for pot smokers this week.

The liquor board previously announced that it would limit legal cannabis production in the state to 40 metric tons. But actually, the agency tells me, there will be another 40 metric tons grown for extracts and edibles. “To produce the 40 metric tons of us-

There will be another 40 metric tons grown.

able marijuana, we would need only 1 million square feet,” says project lead Randy Simmons. “The additional 1 million square feet is to produce what is needed for extracts.”

That’s good news for hash-oil dabbers and brownie lovers. Assuming cannabis extracts represent 10 percent of starting material weight, that’s 140,000 ounces of extract to satisfy the legal market for weed food, hashoil pens, and pot lotions. That’s enough for every pot store to sell a little more than an ounce of extract a day, which may not meet the actual demand, but at least it’s double the original number announced by the state.

Welcome to college! And good fucking luck! Yeah, sure, expect thrilling cerebral highs—that have nothing to do with higher learning. College is mostly about another kind of learning: getting into and out of trouble. Oh, god, the trouble you’re going to get into. The idiots who make The Stranger went to college, too, and some of us even finished! We’ve gotten into enough trouble in our day that we’re kinda sorta experts on getting out of it, and this week, just because we like you, we share the fruits of our learning with you.

LECTURE SCHMECTURE (Left)

HOW TO GET OUT OF ACADEMIC TROUBLE

No doubt you’ll breeze through freshman year on a combination of fear, naive enthusiasm, and bullshit. But get ready to slam headlong into the dreaded “sophomore slump.” So how will you recover from, say, your 1.8 grade point average and, maybe, academic probation? Easy! Just follow these three simple rules.

Rule 1: Only take classes you like. That music history class sure looked easy, but omigod was it

Academic Trouble

boring! And it met at 8 a.m.—what the fuck were you thinking? There are a shit-ton of inspiring classes out there on fascinating subjects you’ll never have the time or energy to enjoy again. So take them. And don’t buy into that crap about college being an opportunity to prepare for a career. You know that Introduction to Accounting course you’re dreading? Now imagine doing that for the next 50 years. Trust your instincts.

Rule 2: Never argue for a grade. We know this rule might seem counterintuitive, but you need to completely give up caring about grades. This has to be about you and your own sense of pride and self-worth, not a desperate longing for the approval of professors and TAs. Also, your GPA will never recover from that 1.8 you got last term, so why discourage yourself by dwelling on it?

And most important of all…

Rule 3: Never, ever, ever take a class before 10 a.m. Preferably not before 11 a.m. Maybe noon. And try to avoid Fridays altogether. The point is, it doesn’t matter how important that class is to whatever degree it is you think you want—or how inspiring that professor is supposed to be—if you can’t drag your sorry ass out of bed and into the classroom on a regular basis. Know your limits!

Remember: No matter how crappy you did last term, your life isn’t over—just your chance of getting into a decent grad school.

TRADE-IN EXPO

HOW TO GET OUT OF YOUR LITTLE ACADEMIC BUBBLE

Your college is not a city; it is the controlled environment of a campus. Seattle is the city you are in: Get out in it. Be a pedestrian. Just start walking and go for a long time, up and down steep hills. When it rains, keep going. Stop in a coffee shop to dry off, and it will probably slow down anyway, or you can pull up your collar, put on a hat, and look like a private detective, which you kind of are as an explorer in any city, trying to figure out how all this works. When you take the wrong bus and get lost, you will get found again. If you panic, you will calm down again. Every form of travel constitutes a different lens—varying speeds, differently framed views—so you should walk, bike, train, bus. (Driving is not the best way to notice what’s around you in a city.) You’ll stumble across fields of unexpectedly spectacular graffiti. You’ll figure out how long you can sit using the Wi-Fi at a cafe before you start to feel guilty for not buying more than one coffee. You’ll be forced to deal with people poorer than you. Watching the changeover of businesses, and the heavy-duty action on construction sites, and the popping up and taking down of forsale signs, and the different characters of different streets, you will start wondering about land use and street engineering, and traffic and power. If you see an art gallery, go in—it’s free. If you see a museum, go in and ask—it’s probably pay-what-you-can. Definitely, certainly use the Central Library. It is wild in there, and you should not expect it to be predictably easy to navigate, which is okay. Some of the best things come in shapes you don’t recognize yet. This is the sort of learning you can’t get in class.

HOW TO AVOID TROUBLE WITH SCIENTOLOGISTS, MORMONS, ETC.

It’s okay to be curious. It’s admirable, even. And firsthand experience is really valuable. So you want to learn what Mormons believe? Or you want to take a Dianetics-style personality test, to see what it feels like? Or you want to talk to the LaRouchies, to try to get to the bottom of whatever it is they do? Go ahead. Send away for the Book of Mormon. Give your e-mail address to the Scientologists. Walk up to those crazy people on the sidewalk with the Hitlobama photograph on their table. Talk to that overly enthusiastic blond guy at the party wearing the gi about his all-beet diet and how his bowels are the root of his human energy. But you should be advised: Once you open the door to crazy, crazy isn’t going to want to leave. That Book of Mormon will be followed by a pair of tenacious, pasty dudes in ties and short sleeves who will come to your apartment again and again until you agree to sit down with them. Captain Stool Sample is going to want you to come to his seaside healing energy workshop. And at some point, you’re not going to want to go along any further. Here’s the important part, the way out of these situations: Say no. Mean it. Be firm. If being polite doesn’t work, stop being polite. Just outright refuse. Tell the missionaries they are not invited to your home anymore. Unsubscribe and mark the e-mail as spam. When you’re dealing with crazy, you’ve got to shut the game down entirely. Don’t worry about their feelings; the thing about crazy believers is that they get rejected 350 times a day. And then, once they’re gone, you have a hell of a story to tell, and you’ve confirmed that there’s a whole shitty life experience you want no part of. That’s about the sweetest feeling in the whole world.

DON’T THINK A LIBERALARTS DEGREE IS YOUR ONLY OPTION

“There’s life outside a baccalaureate degree,” says Mike Lawson, a teacher at Franklin High School who’s been telling that to students for 18 years. Lawson teaches what used to be called shop (now called “career trades education” or CTE) and is righteously pissed that so many students graduate from high school thinking their only options are (a) a four-year liberal arts degree with a boatload of student debt or (b) a lifetime of poverty and sadness. There are other choices, especially in the trades—from carpentry to working on a ferry—that are completely viable options for those who don’t, in Lawson’s words, want to “sit in a classroom for another four years so they can go work in a cubicle and then die.”

Trades apprenticeships, Lawson says, are available to pretty much anyone: “All you need is a good attitude and some basic skills, like knowing how to read a tape measure.” Some of his students who’ve gone on to apprenticeships have also earned trades-relevant two-year degrees (which the unions paid for) and were making more than $100,000 a year by the time they were 25. Others work in the trades to put themselves through four-year colleges and graduate with a baccalaureate degree and years worth of experience.

Local trades organizations have annual career fairs, plus people who specialize in helping people like you study the options. You can begin your search with Washington Women in Trades (wawomenintrades.com), WA Building Trades (wabuildingtrades.org), and the Washington State Department of Labor & Industries (lni.wa.gov). “With high schools teaching to the test, we’ve eliminated all the things that make life rich, that can help you find what moves your soul,” Lawson says, meaning things like arts and trades education. “And that’s a bunch of bullshit by companies that make tests and run universities. How did we end up with that?”

WHAT TO DO IF YOU REALLY FUCK UP

It is really scary to admit you fucked up. But the alternative—not admitting that you’ve fucked up and just ignoring problems, running away, or offing yourself—is markedly worse. So! You just flunked an important class? You’ve been accused of a crime? You have a drug problem? These are things you may need to discuss with your parents. Note: You do not need to tell your parents about every little wrinkle in your life. Make some mistakes, fix them yourself, and never tell your folks at all. However, when the fuckup is big, and you’re seriously considering magic spells, time travel, or suicide to avoid admitting it, just remember: Your parents, in almost all cases, are grown-ass adults who can handle it, they are biologically programmed to love you anyway, and they would definitely prefer that you live. Just explain that you’re freaked out, don’t be defensive, apologize, get their help, and move on. It’ll be okay! And if they’re unforgiving, guilttripping dicks about it? Then it’s not worth your time to worry about “disappointing” them. Get ready to start caring less about their approval. Also, “talk to your parents” isn’t the only option—maybe your parents are dicks, or maybe you don’t have parents. There are truly compassionate and empathic humans out there ready to walk you through this, whatever it is. You just have to tell someone Your campus has a health center, and health centers have counselors. If the counselor at your health center is a monster, leaving you feeling freaked out and alone, try calling the

people at the Seattle Crisis Clinic,

Drinking Trouble

How to Avoid Getting Into a Police Chase

BY EMILY NOKES

Don’t even think about drinking alcohol until you are 21 years old! Great, but around the age of 16, you feel like an adult, and around the age of 18, you basically are an adult, so let’s actually think about drinking before you are 21 years old. If you’re considering trying out a drink or two, I first want to point out that drinking can turn you into an idiot. It can make you throw up in front of someone really cute, it can make you get into fights with your friends, and it can get you into serious, life-ruining trouble at any age. That said, the key to doing anything that might get you into trouble is knowing what you’re up against. Sometimes, adults want to shelter you from details because they simply don’t want you to get into any trouble, period. But withholding important information everyone should have access to (even bratty teenagers) is the worst idea ever and leads to more of the worst ideas ever.

When I was growing up, before the internet was really a thing, drug and alcohol lessons were doled out in two unhelpful ways. The first lesson was NO, similar to the NO in the worst kind of sex education: Nope! Just don’t do it until your wedding night with Jesus. Class dismissed! The second lesson was the D.A.R.E.-style insanely detailed yet incorrect “information” about how one beer leads directly to quintuplets and a face tat. We knew the second lesson was bullshit even then, and the NO approach only made the exotic world of begging a hobo to buy you Budweiser that much more tempting.

Of the half-dozen or so times I was arrested as a minor, I’ll share the incident that was probably the most serious and definitely the most hilarious.

Me: 16 or 17, bored out of my mind, overplucked eyebrows. I loved school and people and sometimes even my parents. I got good grades, did extracurricular activities, and tried to be nice. I also wanted to try cigarettes, throw ragers, and figure out what marijuana was like and if it was possible to grow in the abandoned lot near our house (it wasn’t). And drinking. I wanted to drink alcohol because, really, what else were you going to do in a depressed ex–mining town that held roughly the same hours as a post office?

So there I was, young and bored and doing the absolute coolest thing you can do in high school: hanging out in a parking lot. There were a few cars and eight or nine kids sharing six warm beers. When half a beer was passed to me, I choked it down super-nonchalantly while someone played Rage Against the Machine. One of my best girlfriends was also there, somehow already wasted beyond belief—she’d driven there sober, apparently with zero forethought. A few really cool hours passed, and I offered to drive her and another friend home in the tiny red sports car her mother had surprised her with when she got her learner’s permit (side note to parents: NO).

We hadn’t made it very far on the journey home when a cop passed us. At that point in my life, the sight of a cop car triggered sheer horror—the kind of fear that causes your common sense to evaporate into lizard feelings. I racked my brain. What were the rules? What was going to happen? The cop flipped around. OH MY GOD, I was driving under the influence of four ounces of beer two hours ago. Quintuplets and a face tat. I had a wasted, underage friend in a car that was

DON’T DO THIS!

Never leave a friend passed out on their back, or they could choke on their own vomit and die. But draw on them all you want.

not mine. Prison. I was going to prison. So I decided on what seemed like a good way to get out of the situation: I sped up. The cop lights went on. I just kept going. Everything I’d been taught about trouble flooded to the surface: You are doing a NO and your life is over.

Maybe if I made a quick turn, he would just leave us alone?

I turned into an alley, drove maybe one more block, and gave up. I stopped the car and got out. That’s what you do, right? I was panicking. The cop yelled, “FREEZE,” so obviously I yelled, “I’M JUST PULLING THE EMERGENCY BRAKE!” In all of 15 seconds, I dipped my head back into the car, looked at my friends, looked back at the flashing cop lights, sized up the middle-aged officer, and said, “I think I’m gonna run.” Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, I RAN FROM THE CAR. I bolted into a backyard, through a side yard, and onto the street. I jumped a fence and then another fence. I was so fast! I held the record for the 200-meter dash in sixth grade! I was home free! Blocks flew past, and all I could hear was my heart beating through every pore in my face, and then… the sound of a police radio fuzzing behind me. The next thing I remember was my face hitting the street. I was tackled, handcuffed, and told to remain on my knees with my hands behind my head until a backup car came while the officer

barked questions at me. A Breathalyzer was administered, which read 0.00. After writing me various tickets for speeding, evading the police, and obstruction of justice, all they kept saying was “WHY DID YOU RUN?”

Great question. Well, because I had no idea what the actual consequences of my notthat-horrible behavior were. I’ll spare you the details of how I convinced the cop to leave me at a friend’s house because “my parents were on vacation,” and how I pulled the same stunt in court, AND how my parents found out about the whole ordeal IN THE NEWSPAPER after I pled guilty, and leave you with this—if you want to have a beer, have a stupid beer. Do it in your parents’ basement and never leave the house. If you’re going to a party, figure out the risks of that party getting busted. Know what to do if you get pulled over—being the designated driver is actually a really, really good thing, and taking care of your drunk friends is important. If someone passes out, this means their body has had enough. Never, ever leave a passedout person asleep on their back—they could vomit and choke to death. Learn everything you can about drinking laws and then make a decision based on that. When you get older, your parents and teachers will have forgiven you for whatever you did, and maybe someone will let you work at a weekly newspaper. Face tats and all.

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HOW TO GET IN AND OUT OF TROUBLE WITH DRINKING AND DRUGS

College is the ultimate gateway drug, and experimenting with intoxicants could wind up being your second major. Here are case-by-case instructions on how to interact with intoxicants—from alcohol to acid—without ruining your night/ weekend/college experience/life.

Alcohol: Does booze make you aggressive, dangerously morose, or unable to stop drinking until you’re blacked out? CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE SOMEONE WHO SHOULDN’T DRINK! (Perhaps try Washington’s legal-for-those-over-21 marijuana instead?) Everyone else: Have fun but don’t be stupid. (Stupidity includes binge drinking, drinking until vomiting, and getting blasted more than twice a week. And stay away from boozy energy drinks, which torture your cardiovascular system and, we suspect, mutate your genitals.)

Marijuana: Now legal for those over 21! Still super-fun and potentially problematic for all! The golden rule of pot: Don’t force it. For every person who smokes weed and visits heaven, there are 10 people who smoke and end up huddling in a corner silently interrogating themselves into a black hole. If you’re a potheaven person, have fun and be careful: Wakeand-bakes are for weekends. Attending classes stoned is a waste of both college and pot.

Cocaine: Expensive, short-lived, and makes you instantly want more. Avoid (except

Social Trouble

when you’re at a weird family gathering and your cousin offers you some, or some other such divorced-from-daily-life situation).

Hallucinogens: Almost a must, at least once, for everyone (at least everyone who lives a safe distance from mental illness). So many college experiences have been enriched by tripping—on LSD, mushrooms, peyote, whathave-you—you’d be foolish not to consider trying it. Warning: Hallucinogens aren’t party drugs. They’re take-a-full-day-away-from-everything-you-call-life-with-only-great-people experiences (and being in the beautiful outdoors is also best). Plan accordingly.

MDMA: The high is great; the crash is terrible. For every night of molly-fueled dancing, expect a day after of being a whiny baby who can accomplish nothing without wanting to cry.

Prescription Pills (Oxycontin, Percocet, Adderall): So easy, so effective, so potentially problematic. Use in extreme moderation, never forgetting that you are taking hardcore drugs. (If you find yourself considering trading Adderall for meth or Oxy for heroin, get help right away, please.)

Meth/Heroin: Please don’t. Ever.

Important Fact: Washington State enacted a Good Samaritan law, which says people who call 911 for someone who is overdosing are immune from prosecution for their per-

sonal drug possession. If you are watching someone overdose, call 911. Godspeed and good luck.

HOW TO GO TO A PARTY AND HOW TO LEAVE A PARTY

When you go to a “cool party,” you might think you’re supposed to “act cool.” You may feel a fightor-flight reaction and assume you need to act ambivalent about the scene while seeking out a corner to drink alone. This is wrong. You are there to engage. A guest—no matter how nervous they are or how cool the party seems—should break the ice, if possible, by bringing something that can be shared: a bottle of wine, a six-pack of cider, a bag of chips, or a giant bag of fun-size Snickers. Sharing this item gives you purpose when you arrive. Once you’re in the door, greet as many people as possible; smile and say hi the first time you see them, and it’ll be much easier to strike up a conversation later. Seek out the host and, without ingratiating yourself, let them know you brought something to share. Thank them for having you. Now go meet people—you’re at the party to talk to new people. Smile a lot. Make eye contact. Be curious with questions

(but not interrogating). Finally, when it’s time to go, just leave. Don’t make a self-centered production about hugging everyone. If you like, thank the host again or say good-bye to people you really connected with. These rules apply to all parties, from basement keggers to fancy soirees. Really. (P.S. If there is a party you want to attend but weren’t invited to, do not sulk like a fucking moron. If it’s a fairly large affair, ask the host if you can come. Or be an adult and find something else to do.)

HOW TO DEAL WITH A SHITTY ROOMMATE

After searching for a perfect roommate, you find her: She’s smart, fun, tidy. But after she moves in, it turns out she’s a secret alcoholic who rides the Amy Winehouse train through your living room every night. Or, more likely, she just turns out to be a slob, or, even worse, an overbearing, sanctimonious prude. You shouldn’t live with people you hate. But living together, sharing bills or at least space, is a business relationship as much as a personal one. You have to man- or woman-up, and—this is hard—express your concerns using actual words spoken in front of their actual face. Do not expect your complaints to be understood through a secret set of silent codes of doorclosing or rearranging objects. Do not drop cryptic statements into ordinary conversations intending to send a message about your cohabitation problems. Set up a meeting to

talk about your issues. Ask that person to correct their problems and promise to correct yours. Again, this is hard. But if things don’t improve, you have laid the groundwork to do one of two things (this is hardest): Firmly ask them to please move out, based on the documented and unresolved problems, or decide you need to move out instead. But do not under any circumstance just bear it. If your home is hell, your life is hell.

HOW TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE WITH YOUR RESIDENT ADVISER

Free rent and a dorm room of our own—that’s why some of us at The Stranger worked as resident advisers (RAs) during college. Regular night rounds taught us how dumb some students are about staying out of trouble. But it’s not that difficult. Remember: Most RAs don’t want to bust you. That only leads to paperwork, hassle, and bad feelings. Help your RA help you with a few simple steps.

Noise complaints: If someone complains about your loud music, just knock it off. Don’t turn it back up and give your neighbors/RA a reason to start cultivating a grudge. Plus, noise complaints are often where RAs find more serious issues (like blackout-drunk 18-year-olds). If you want to break the rules, keep it quiet.

Drinking: Drink slowly. When you start to feel buzzed, stop. Super-drunk people aren’t any fun (even to themselves), and nobody likes puke on the carpet. In more severe cases, an ambulance gets called in to deal with potential alcohol poisoning. Just take it easy.

Smoking drugs: Washington is legalizing marijuana, but that doesn’t mean your living/enrollment/financial-aid situation won’t be impacted by a drugs charge. So be careful. Seal the crack under your door (a rolledup towel works). Then check the airflow in your room by opening a window and holding a lighter nearby to see which way the wind is blowing. (If it’s blowing into your room, you might want to hold off until that changes.) Small fans are helpful. Joints are too stinky—use pipes or vaporizers. Exhale into some kind of air-purifying device to minimize the smell. Some head shops sell fancy versions, but a paper-towel roll filled with fabric softener sheets is an old standby.

Remember, your RA really is there to keep you safe and happy. If you find yourself with a serious problem, it’s much better to get help and risk getting in trouble instead of risking something much worse.

HOW TO GET INTO— AND, MORE IMPORTANTLY, OUT OF—TROUBLE WITH THE POLICE

Most police officers are affable people—they have an innate desire to help their fellow man and keep a cool head. If you get into trouble with Officer Friendly, you probably had it coming. But some cops are egomaniacal asswipes. For them, a badge is little more than a bandage that soothes the oozing sores of their insecurity and gives them license to express their unbridled internal rage. You can get in trouble with those fuckers just by taking photos in public, asking questions about a crime scene, participating in a legally permitted protest, or going about your life. If they are an asshole, stay cool. You’ll have a chance to tell your side of the story later, and your side of the story will be more credible if you follow these rules: Never, ever escalate a situation with police. Don’t swear at or run away from police officers. Never physically resist them,

even if they are arresting you for a bogus reason. Do call them “officer,” do follow all of their orders, and do politely ask reasonable questions: “Why are you detaining me? Who is in charge? Am I free to leave?” You don’t have to answer their questions—silence is your constitutional right. Remember to always get the officer’s name and write down what happened as soon as you can so that you remember the details of a confrontation. If a cop has done you wrong, file a complaint: Call the Seattle Police Department’s Office of Professional Accountability at 684-8797. And don’t forget, you can call the media to tell your story, too, but make sure you’ve got your case number (if there is one) and a legit complaint. (And if you were stopped by one of the affable cops for a good reason, the media will just tell you that you had it coming.)

HOW TO EAT REAL FOOD AND NOT BE A CREEPY DIET MONSTER

ZOMG, YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN NOW! Free to gallop through the grocery store like a stoned Dorito king drunk with cheese power! But just because you’re unsupervised doesn’t mean your body is some garbage dump. Your body is your only body, and you want to use it for great things (sex! Maybe a little badminton! More sex!), not for feeling gross all the time. Okay, here we go!

Snacks! Are! So! Good! But in moderation, right? Maybe you were raised on starch, or perhaps your hippie parents forbade you to eat Oreos and now that’s all you think about—whatever the case, junk food is not dinner. Common sense and light label reading can help you separate the junk from the decent: High amounts of sugar, fat, and sodium are bad, fiber is your best friend, and ingredients that sound sketchy probably are sketchy. But some of the healthiest healthies don’t even have labels; it’s hard to go wrong with fruits and vegetables—figure out which ones you like and eat them as often as possible. Experiment with your diet if you want, but remember, being vegetarian does not mean eating chips all day (and being vegan does not mean eating vegan chips all day). If you’re eating only white and beige foods, your intestines are probably furious with you. Drink lots of water, and remember that juice isn’t really that healthy. If you do happen to polish off a large Little Caesars at 4 a.m., don’t beat yourself up; just get some exercise the next day and figure out how to incorporate some kale into your next meal.

Speaking of food guilt, on the other end of the food-prob spectrum: Absolutely do not become a creepy diet monster. Those people who constantly yap about their weight, regale you with calorie information, or are “just so full uuugh” after eating half a salad with no dressing—those people are not fun to be around. Gaining a little weight in college is okay and often just the final stage of growing up. Eat super-healthy if you want, count calories if you like, hit the gym if it’s fun. Just don’t get weird about it—hot dates often include food, and no one wants to take a creepy diet monster on a half-salad date.

HOW TO BE VEGAN AND NOT BE A PAIN IN THE ASS ABOUT IT

Veganism is the radical, vastly unpopular concept that eating food should cause as little suffering and environmental damage as possible. You’d think that ethos would be more widely embraced, but no. Just by being a vegan, you’re a scorned minority. People joke about the way vegans

always announce they’re vegans, but even in 2013 America, non-meat/dairy consumers have to let their preference be known, as the food game is still rigged against them. Nevertheless, you can avoid being an obnoxious vegan by raising the topic only when it’s absolutely necessary: at restaurants or parties where the food’s contents are unknown. A simple, understated “Is there dairy or meat in this dish?” should suffice in most circumstances. If the answer is yes, don’t eat it, and don’t expect something special made just for you, either; this is your choice and also your responsibility. If somebody asks why you’re eating a vegan diet, don’t yell, “Because meat is murder!” even if Morrissey was spot-on. Most people bristle when they are classified as killers, and you’ll likely become a pariah if you trot out this line too often. A better approach is to say in a calm tone, “I simply believe that the fate of the planet is more important than my taste buds. As a bonus, my cholesterol level is astonishingly low.” One should gloat as humbly as possible.

HOW TO BE A WHITE PERSON WHO IS NOT COMPLETELY CLUELESS

Atremendous number of clueless white folks with very good intentions are wandering these parts of the world. If you think you may be one of them—perhaps you believe “color blindness” is not a problem (it is)—do not panic or become defensive. Remember: You have good intentions! You want to help make the world a better place for everyone, not just the old affluent white straight Christian able-bodied dudes whose prejudices got us here in the first place. Maybe you haven’t had much background in analyzing the issues, or your perspective has been limited—this is overcomeable. The best thing you can do is to learn the difference between individual racism (overt bigotry) and structural racism (the racism still inherent in our systems—business, education, law enforcement, government, health care). Outright bigotry is easy to fight against, and calling it out is vital. But there’s also the silent racism of the status quo. Be willing to hear about it, learn about it, and talk out loud about the fact that it needs to change, too. If you find yourself saying “That’s not racist” more often than “Tell me more,” you’re probably doing it wrong. That’s okay. Nobody is judging you. This is not, actually, about you. It’s about people who are having a different experience from you because they were born into a racist society that racializes some people and teaches others (white people) that race isn’t a thing. Race is a thing. You can start there. (See also: “Race Trouble,” page 29.)

HOW TO BE A GUY AND NOT BE A DICK

If the situation is about to get physical with the douchey, antagonistic guy, you have to make sure that you and the targeted woman are away from the scene as quickly as possible. There are doubtless some concern trolls out there preparing to ask: If women are equal to men, shouldn’t they be able to get themselves out of these situations? Well, sure, and they do. All the time. Every day. But doesn’t everybody need a little help now and again? The most important thing to remember is you’re not standing up for women. You’re standing up with them.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE KIND OF SHITBAGS WHO LAUGH AT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE

Hey, look! Laughing at people because of their race? That’s fucking bigotry. Laughing at people because of their gender? That’s fucking bigotry. Laughing at people for being transgender? THAT’S FUCKING BIGOTRY. So… “tranny” jokes? They’re as bad as all those other jokes that were only funny when everybody was pretending that hate wasn’t hate. So unless you’re transgender, shut the fuck up when it comes to the word “tranny.” Recently, Seattle Times editorial board member Bruce Ramsey mocked Chelsea Manning, writing that he “burst out laughing” that she was wearing makeup, and adding that her photo was “funny.” Ha-ha-ha, you asshole bigot. Don’t be like Ramsey. If you’re around asshole bigots like Ramsey who are laughing at transgender people, nip it in the bud. Tell them to shut up. Tell them it’s not funny. And if they persist, call them out as the bigots they are and get the hell away from them.

HOW TO AMAZE AND ATTRACT PEOPLE WITH YOUR STELLAR MUSICAL TASTE

GFou’re an adult now, which means you have to start managing money—student loans, parental RECYCLE

uys, listen up. There are still some men out there who don’t believe that women are human beings. Those men treat women as though they exist solely to provide them with pleasure. Those men are assholes, and you’ve got to stand up to them or things will never get better. If you’re hanging out with men and someone starts talking about women like they’re monstrous fuck dolls, it’s your responsibility to speak up. Just a simple “That’s not cool” will usually do. If it escalates, and the bro starts to make it personal, make sure everyone knows you disagree with the misogynist and leave. The same thing applies in mixedgender situations: If you see someone giving a woman unwanted attention—catcalling, making repeated lewd advances, name-calling— you have to stand up and say something. There are dangers in doing this, of course.

irst, build your aesthetics. Read perceptive critics such as Lester Bangs, Simon Reynolds, Philip Sherburne, and Greg Tate, and magazines like the Wire and Wax Poetics. Check blogs like Ad Hoc, Mutant Sounds, and 20 Jazz Funk Greats. Listen to wfmu.org, KEXP (mostly after dark), and Hollow Earth Radio. Peruse and explore the Nurse with Wound list. Frequent record stores like Wall of Sound, Everyday Music, Easy Street, and Sonic Boom, and pick the brains of their staff. Befriend musicians you respect and ask what’s wowing them. Always take notes, because you can’t trust your memory. Armed with this knowledge, scour YouTube for rare gems. A couple of tips will lead you to dozens of random, incredible discoveries. Now that you’re steeped in several terabytes of amazing music, spread the gospel. Go forth unto Facebook, Twitter, parties, shows, art exhibits, or your own damn blog, and shine a light on the zenith of what you’ve discovered. Use flowery hyperbole, because apathy and inertia run thick and deep. Excite your friends to the possibility of a lifetime of sonic enrichment. Take people to awesome shows and just plain out-there ones, too—live music, DJs, the uncategorizable shit. If you do your job well enough, you will be having more sex than you know what to do with.

HOW TO NOT GET YOURSELF IN TROUBLE FINANCIALLY

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VELOURIA

Imagine what your parents would think of this discussion. Not every accusation of assholery is right on, of course, but it never hurts to take a moment to imagine someone else’s point of view. If you’re wrong, apologize clearly and quickly. If you still don’t think you’re wrong? There’s no harm in graciously leaving the argument— “I’m sorry that we disagree, but you’ve given me a lot to think about, and I thank you for that”—and wallowing in your smugness. And as a good rule of thumb, remember the Golden Internet Rule: If you meet more than two assholes in a day, chances are, you’re the asshole.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE “21-RUN” BULLSHIT

Get yourself out of the trouble that other people have in store for you on your 21st birthday—just say no to the tradition of your body being the site of group abuse that night. In “honor” of you, everyone will want to buy you a drink, and some of these people will want to buy you the most disgusting drink they can find, and still more of them will insist on buying you this “gift” drink even after they believe you to be incapable of doing anything but vomiting it back up again. These people are not in control of what you put in your mouth—you are. (Do not spend any time trying to figure out what the hell is the matter with them; it’s your birthday!) Drunk is fun, sick is not. Be crafty, not direct, in your rejections: Give drinks away on the sly, when nobody’s looking. Abandon glasses a few sips in by creating diversions, say, threatening to kick someone’s ass at pool and/or darts and then going over to the pool table/dartboard where finishing your drink is no longer the main event. Excuse yourself, bring your drink, and toss the drink down the bathroom sink. Remember: Only you can stop the suffering from overtaking your first day of being 21.

HOW TO KNOW (AND WHAT TO DO) WHEN A FRIENDSHIP IS TROUBLE

Sstipends, or tips from your night job of busing tables. To do this effectively, you need to make yourself a weekly or monthly budget to ensure that you can make it through the school year without starving. Making a budget is easy; ask your parents for help, or if they owe half their paychecks to RentA-Center, check your online bank for an app or google it. Now, there’s an easy way and a hard way to enforce your budget. One way is to invest in a plastic rock—like those fake garden rocks your grandma hides her spare house key in—and refill it with a weekly wad of cash to ensure you’re not overspending. The other way is to put your weekly/monthly budget amount in your checking account, and live off of a debit card. If you’re already great with that type of budget stuff, consider applying for a $1,000-limit credit card and start learning how to pay that off EVERY MONTH. It’ll come in handy when you want to move off campus and rent your own place (most landlords and some employers run credit checks before accepting applicants; if you have no credit card, this could make some basic adult activities in life more difficult). Make sure your credit card doesn’t have annual fees associated with it and that it has a low interest rate. Also look for a card that offers some type of rewards system for paying off your monthly balance. If all this budgetmoney talk makes you feel like taking a nap,

just stick with the rock option. It’ll do you just fine.

HOW TO GET OUT OF TROUBLE ON THE INTERNET

So someone on Facebook or Twitter or Slog claims to be calling you out on your shit, maybe because of a joke you just told or something you said about a character in a TV show or a movie. What next? The first thing to do is check yourself. If you’re about to respond to online criticism with some variation of “Some of my best friends are black/fat/gay, so clearly I’m not racist/fatphobic/homophobic,” you need to step away from the computer and reevaluate your life choices. Likewise, you need to stop if you’re about to declare yourself to be the victim of an attack on your free speech—free speech doesn’t give you the right to say whatever you want without repercussions—or any other kind of a victim, for that matter.

The important thing is to not enter into an argument with the thinking that you’re going to win internet points for the speed and wittiness of your response. Try to get some perspective on the situation. Imagine what it looks like from the outside. Think about what your accuser is saying. Ask a trusted friend.

uper-intense friendships are soooo exciting and fulfilling. You just can’t live without your wonderful, dramatic, fascinating friend, they just can’t live without you—it’s always interesting, and it makes you feel needed, important, worth something. You guys are just so connected No one else understands. Except, you know how sometimes you almost want to take a break? Like being friends with them is a roller coaster, and you’d like some solid ground? But you just can’t hurt their feelings, so you take one more long, weepy one a.m. phone call even though you need some sleep, or you go get wasted with them even though you had other plans, or you hide their drugs/razor blades/bloody fetus in a shoe box under your bed even though you wish you could’ve said “no” just this once.

That shit is toxic.

It’s intoxicating, but it is also toxic. It poisons you. And it will make your life suck as it drags you into a giant soap opera, or an addiction, or a codependent relationship based only on taking care of each other instead of having fun and living your life. At any point in this process, it is okay to say, “That’s enough.” When someone starts treating you like a sidekick or an employee instead of a friend, extricate yourself from that as soon as you can. You can confront them. You can try to back off for a bit and see if it gets better. Or you can cut them out of your life. All of those are okay options, and you should do whichever of them you can. Because your first responsibility in adult life is to take care of yourself. That’s not selfish. That’s adulthood.

Race Trouble

Do Not Waste Your Time with Racist People

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

There are basically three major state-related institutions waiting for you at the end of your teens: the university, the army, and prison. If you fail to obtain a high school diploma, you will not be allowed to enter the first two institutions, and the remaining options for your future will be either entry-level positions at the very bottom of the job market or committing crimes that’ll most likely land you in the third institution. Now, some facts: 30 percent of black male dropouts are behind bars; only 17 percent of all blacks complete college (it’s more than 30 percent for whites); 20 percent of active-duty soldiers in the army are black (but blacks make up only 13 percent of the total population); and, as Ivory Toldson, a professor at Howard University, pointed out on NPR recently, there are 1.4 million black males in college and 840,000 in prison. Why bring these numbers up? Because if you are black and you are in college, you have beaten the system. You could easily have ended up in the army, or a low-paying job, or a life of crime, or the prison system.

But now that you have dodged all of these bullets Matrix-style, the future certainly looks bright (by the standards of economists, college graduates in America are enjoying full employment during the Great Recession). You have lots of books to read, lots of classes to attend, lots of papers to research, lots of beautiful people to date. The last thing you want is to get stuck in disputes with white people who really believe that blacks are naturally inferior, are more violent, and should go the fuck back to Africa. No, you do not have time for that nonsense.

So what to do if you chance to come across a person at a party or bar or study group who is clearly racist or saying some racially offensive bullshit? Get up without a word and leave. This is 2013; you have better things to do. Also, you do not want to be provoked into a fight that could get you in trouble and possibly thrown into jail—and we know there are more than enough blacks in jail.

What to do if you chance to come across a person who is clearly racist? Get up without a word and leave. This is 2013. You have

In Zimbabwe, we used to call white Africans who really believed they were a superior race of humans “cooked”—meaning, their brains have been thoroughly baked in the ideological oven of white supremacy. These types are done from crust to core. Look into their eyes: cooked. Listen to their voice: cooked. To argue with such a person is no better than arguing with a cake, or a loaf of bread, or a pot roast. Do not waste your time with a cooked person. You only have one life, and there are lots of interesting things to do with your one life.

The colleges in and around Seattle attract white Americans from all over the country. The minds of many of these students have been cooked in the suburbs and rural towns. What you have to figure out is how to detect these types quickly and with certainty. Some white students, it is true, are actually not racist at the core, but simply suffer from a lack of any real exposure to people who do not look like them. You must not be mean to these types; they can still be saved. But one good thing about cooked people is that they can’t hide their true colors for long. It usually takes only a few minutes to realize that you are not dealing with a learner but a nonstarter, and when such is clearly the case, it’s best to just walk away. Just pull the plug on the conversation, leave the room (and even the party), and find something more productive or entertaining to do. Your time is better spent trying to learn how to walk on water than trying to prove your humanity to a white person whose brain has been cooked in a racist oven.

And now for a word about racist dogs. This situation is always very awkward, because often the white owner may have had no idea that their dog would bark only at black people. How do we get out of this bit of trouble? The solution is found entirely with the owner of the animal. He/she must do one thing the moment it is clear that their dog barks at the only black person (or persons) at a party or some other kind of gathering: apologize, pick up the damn thing, and lock it up somewhere for the rest of the occasion. What he/she should not do is just leave it there or let it roam freely about the house after apologizing for its racism. All the dog will do is return and continue to bark at the black person (or persons) again and again. Take the animal away, lock it up, and let’s forget the whole sad business.

Love Trouble

They Don’t Teach Any of This in Sex Ed, So Allow Me

BY DAN SAVAGE

HOW TO GET INTO A RELATIONSHIP

Step 1: Get online—OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Recon, Match.com, FetLife, JDate, Stranger personals—and put up a personal ad. Put up a few. Post current and accurate pictures, fill out the profiles, write a little about yourself, don’t write too much about yourself. No poetry, no cat pics, no duck-faced selfies, no bitching about exes.

Step 2: Get offline. Go to class. Go to cafes. Go to bars. Go to class. Go to parties. Go to gyms. Go to parks. Go to class. Go places and meet people.

Step 3: Get drunk—no, wait. Don’t get drunk, i.e., don’t binge, don’t get shitfaced, don’t get messy, don’t drink until you black out. Shitty people sometimes do extremely shitty/ rapey things to people who are shitfaced. (Avoid shitty people, look inside and make sure you’re not shitty people yourself.) But having one or two drinks at a party—sometimes three but never four—makes it easier to converse without rendering your conversation unintelligible (or making you unbearable). Also, too, pot. Never, ever meth.

Step 4: Get brave. Be bold. Take a risk. Boldness and risk are relative, i.e., one person’s bold-and-ballsy-risk-taking move is another person’s idea of cowardice and still another person’s idea of social suicide. But you have to be willing to take risks—however you define them—to get into a relationship. Risk asking for someone’s number. Risk a hookup. (Lots of great relationships get their start as sleazy, drunken, risky

hookups.) Risk rejection and infection, heartache and heartbreak. Take reasonable steps to minimize and mitigate your risks, of course, by using birth control, condoms, and common sense. But take risks.

Step 5: Get it on. Hook up, make out, have sex. If it goes well—if the sex is good, if you like the taste of each other’s spit, if you enjoy spending time together with your clothes on, if being with each other makes you feel better about life and school and the world in general—then keep hooking up. Congrats: You got yourself into a relationship.

HOW TO GET OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE YOU NO LONGER LIKE

Step 1: Get it over with, i.e., break up promptly. As soon as you know you want out—as soon as you’re sure the person you’re dating isn’t someone you could spend the next four or five decades of your life rimming— you have a responsibility to end the relationship. And it’s easy to do: Just open your mouth and say, “It’s over.” Don’t break up with someone immediately before a big final or their mom’s funeral or whatever, but never let a relationship drag on and on for stupid reasons like “I don’t want to hurt him/ her/SOPATGS*.” Trust me: You’re not that special. He/she/ SOPATGS will get over you.

Step 2: There is no step two.

Step 3: If there’s no step two, why on earth would you think there would be a step three?

HOW TO GET OVER BEING DUMPED

Step 1: Get all messy. The freedom to weep and wail and wallow in pain—and the expectation that friends will listen and empathize and fetch us froyo—is the only perk extended to the freshly dumped. So mope, watch sad movies, listen to maudlin music, and plague your friends with your pathetic whining.

Step 2: Get a calendar. You have six weeks—tops—to weep and wail and inhale froyo. Make a note on your calendar when your six weeks are up and resolve to either be over it by that date or be able to fake being over it by that date.

Step 3: Get some perspective. Being dumped sucks and it’s painful and it can really shred your confidence. But billions of people were dumped before you, and billions will be dumped after you. You’re in pain, yes you are, but the pain you’re in isn’t special or unique. And it isn’t permanent. Everyone you know who’s in a happy, loving, and stable relationship got dumped at some point in their dating history. They got over it, dumpee, and so will you.

Step 4: Get online—OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Stranger personals—and get offline. Go to class. Go to bars. Go to parties. Get a drink (or two), get brave, get it on.

* some other point along the gender spectrum.

Michael Cepress Studio

Seattle’s

to promoting a positive and fun environment.

DON’T DATE YOUR ROOMMATE/NEIGHBOR, BECAUSE IF YOU DO, YOU’RE ASKING FOR TROUBLE

Okay, okay—your roommate/neighbor is really attractive. And they’re right there in front of you, being incredibly hot! And it’s so convenient! But dating/ hooking up with your roommate/neighbor is generally a bad idea.

It’s exciting, all those pheromone-soaked flirty interactions. It seems great at first, with the cute and the sexy and all, but later, when you decide that you don’t like them that much, or they’re no good in bed, or they have asinine interests, and you try to extract yourself, you have to see them EVERY SINGLE DAY. You can’t hide: They know you’re home. You can’t get away, and things can get ugly when there’s no safe place to retreat.

Of course, you can do it if you want to: You’re on your own now, and you should try all sorts of things. But here are some things to think about. If you jump in the sack with a person across campus and it goes south, they’re over there—you don’t have to see ’em all the time. If you get unceremoniously dumped by your roommate, you’ll then have to watch the parade of new lovers coming through. If you sleep with your roommate/neighbor but then move on to someone you really like, you may not appreciate having your old partner always there in your business. And mostly, it’s

Sex Trouble

a sure way to ruin a friendship. So don’t be so damn lazy: Go out and meet somebody new who’s not right in front of your face. See Dan Savage’s advice on page 31.

HOW TO GET OUT OF TROUBLE WITH A CAPITAL

“T” (THAT IS, IF YOU GET KNOCKED UP)

If you are having sex in a heterosexual relationship, and you get knocked up, and you don’t want to have a baby right now for whatever reason (school! Money! Loss of a hot bod! That dude I slept with is a loser! It’s Tuesday!), speed-walk your ass to Planned Parenthood or another abortion-friendly medical provider and have an abortion. They’re legal here up to 24 weeks. If you’re worried about how to pay for it, google these groups: the CAIR Project and Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest. They can help. In addition, Washington State offers Medicaid funds (called medical coupons) that will help pay for abortions and family planning services.

Perhaps you’re religious and you’re struggling with this decision. That’s understandable. Perhaps you were raised in a conservative environment and fed a ton of

misinformation about the procedure (abortion causes breast cancer!) and about the people who have them (sinners and heathens!). Keep this in mind: Nearly one-third of American women will have an abortion by the age of 45, reports the Guttmacher Institute, a sexual and reproductive health policy center, and 73 percent of those women are religious. In other words, lots of fertile women of all faith backgrounds reconcile their religion with the decision to have an abortion.

You’re not obligated to tell anyone about any accidental pregnancy you have except your doctor and, arguably, the dude who knocked you up (caveat: unless he’s abusive or would pressure you into a decision you don’t feel comfortable making). The important thing to keep in mind is that this is your future that will be impacted, and thus, this is your choice to make.

HOW TO CHEAT ON SOMEONE

You are young. You are young only for a short time. You will be old soon enough. You are in college. There are lots of other young bodies in college. College does not go on forever. One day

you will graduate, get a real job, get stuck with one person, and possibly do some parenting with that person, and all of those young and available bodies you encountered at this and that party, in this and that classroom, in this or that dorm, will be nothing more than dimming images in your aging head. The point: You are crazy to stick to one lover at this point in your life. The good news: You will meet many men and women who feel the same as you, who do not want to be tied down yet, who want to experiment in an open relationship or just hook up. The bad news: Many of the women and men who want a closed relationship are hot. If the universe were fair, those who wanted open relationships or preferred hooking up would all be beautiful, and those who wanted to be like pigeons (they mate for life) would be mediocre. But the universe is a godless, thoughtless, and cold place. What to do? Cheat on the hot person you are dating. There is no other solution. You must have your cake and eat it, too.

But how can you hide your cheating business? These days, the main way you get caught is e-mails and texts, so most of the energy and brainpower spent protecting your secrets must be spent on securing those communication channels. When it comes to e-mail, never leave your account open on any computer. Always, when you’re done, close the damn thing; even if you are in a rush, stop and make sure you have signed out. It’s the only thing that really works. Also,

change your password regularly. As for the smartphone, there are great apps out there (just google “cheating apps”) that split your phone into two parts: the surface phone and the deep phone. The surface phone is for the official relationship, and the deep one is for the known unknowns. (We recommend Tiger Text—an app named after Tiger Woods—which not only hides your pics and messages but also secretly self-destructs messages you send to other lovers. That’s impressive!) But, still, always keep your shit locked. You may eventually realize that cheating is too complicated or morally untenable, but meanwhile, while you are still young and surrounded by hotness, keep your shit secure.

put it. Once you are out of the closet, you get to live an honest, authentic, healthy life, rather than a life built out of lies on top of lies on top of lies.

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE OLD “BABY, I’M TOTALLY GONNA LEAVE HER/HIM FOR YOU” TROUBLE

HHOW TO NOT CHEAT ON SOMEONE

Don’t flirt.

Really. Monogamy is that simple. Don’t flirt.

If you truly care about the person you’re dating, and you’ve made a mutual commitment to be faithful, DO NOT FLIRT.

Sexual fidelity has nothing to do with superior willpower or morals, and everything to do with taking yourself out of the game. Think about it. How did you start your relationship with your current partner? You flirted. How did you start every previous relationship? You flirted. It doesn’t always work, but that’s the whole purpose of flirting—to start a relationship—and relationships don’t start without it.

So that “it just happened” cop-out? Bullshit. You put yourself into the situation where it happened. You flirted. And don’t play the victim by claiming the other person seduced you. Break eye contact. Withdraw from their touch. Don’t pretend to be endlessly interested in what they’re saying. We humans are sensitive to rejection. We’ll get your cues. We’ll go away.

Maybe Dan Savage is right, and monogamy is unnatural. Or maybe monogamy just isn’t right for you at this moment in your life. Nothing to feel guilty about. Just don’t make that commitment. But if you have committed to a monogamous relationship, there is absolutely nothing innocent about flirting.

HOW TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

You are gay and have not come out of the closet? Come on! You have to do this. You have to. It’s hard, but not nearly as hard as you think. Mostly it’s just awkward—saying “I’m gay” is a little like saying “I’m Batman.” When is there ever a good time to slip that into a conversation? And what other options do you have? Call a town meeting and tell everyone at once? Sorry, bub, everyone’s too busy to come to your town meeting. So here’s what you do: Don’t let any chance to clarify things pass you by. If you are a guy who’s interested in guys, the next time someone mentions a hot chick or asks if you have a girlfriend, just say something super-casual like “Actually, I usually date guys.” That way, your meaning is clear without you having to say—drumroll, please—“I’m gay.” Bonus: Put it in this casual way and you’re not saying, “Hi, I am a label.” Likewise for ladies: Keep it casual. Say something like “That guy? I have no idea. But look at her—she’s hot!” That’s so much sexier, friendlier, and more human-being-like than saying something like “I am a lesbian.” And if you’re bi? For fuck’s sake, you live in Seattle. Just be out with it. “Actually, I date girls and guys” is a very civilized and sophisticated way to

ere’s the thing: You’re young and you’re going to fuck up. That guy in your physics class is hot, he flirts with you, and even though he has a girlfriend, he’s kind of an asshole, so one night, maybe while “studying,” there’s some kissing, there’s some clothes coming off, and suddenly you’re the “other woman.” Of course, it’d be great if you didn’t just help a dude cheat on his girlfriend because, young or not, that’s not very nice, but they’re not married and she seems like a jerk, so you convince yourself that you’re not the worst person on the planet for intruding on a monogamous relationship. And you’re not the worst person! Mistakes do get made.

But here’s the second thing: Making a mistake is one thing, but continuing to do it is another. As soon as you start convincing yourself he’ll leave his girlfriend for you— or as soon as he starts offering to leave his girlfriend but then doesn’t actually do it—get out! You’re done. The minute he starts making empty promises, and the minute you start believing them (even a little bit!), is the very minute you can GO NO FURTHER. He’s never going to leave his girlfriend for you. If he were, he wouldn’t say he’s going to, he’d just fucking do it. And if he does leave his girlfriend, remember he JUST CHEATED ON HIS GIRLFRIEND. With you. Do you really want to jump into a relationship with that dude? No. You do not.

Save yourself the heartache and free yourself of what could become an otherwise very emotional, very messy mess. Accept that a mistake was made, thank him for the fun sexy times, and say good-bye. There are plenty more guys—ones who aren’t already taken—out there, and the sooner you stop pining for a jerk, the sooner you can go meet/ get naked with them.

All of the above also applies to the old she’s-gonna-leave-her-boyfriend-for-you scenario, or he’s-gonna-leave-his-boyfriend, or she’s-gonna-leave-her-girlfriend, et cetera. Because, obviously, assholery does not confine itself to stereotypes.

HOW TO POLITELY DEPART FROM A POTENTIAL THREESOME

Something like this might happen to you. You are in a room with another man. Both of you are considering sharing a woman who wants to be shared. The other is fine with sharing (all he is worried about is your dicks touching during intercourse), but you are not into it at all. You want to have the woman to yourself. Two naked bodies on a bed is more than enough. A third naked body seems a bit much. It’s snowing outside. The flakes hit the windowpane. An electric heater beside the bed glows like some hot stone in hell. The woman is undressing, your friend is undressing, they are expecting you to undress. What to do? Look out the window, look at the snow, and recall those words from a U2 song: “And you know it’s time to go, through the sleet and driving snow.” The next moment, a door opens, cold air enters the house; then a door shuts, and you walk away from the house in silence. Some situations do not need words but must be passed in silence.

STRANGER SUGGESTS

Neko Case

MUSIC

Neko Case is fucking rad, yes. We know this. But Neko Case live? It’s a whole ’nother level—and not just watching that other-dimensional voice come out of a human. Her stage manner is dry, self-mocking, and occasionally crowd-mocking. She was on fire at the Capitol Hill Block Party in 2012 with quips like “This song’s about being a huge whore” and noting that a song she wrote for her father was now a “vampire fuck song” after being on a TV show. The grand Paramount should give her plenty of space to be silly and brilliant; sit as close as you can. (Paramount Theatre, 911 Pine St, stgpresents.org, 7:30 pm, $28.25–$33.25, all ages) ANNA MINARD

Bite Nite for Yes on 522

POLITICS/CHOW

I-522 is the state initiative that would require labeling of genetically modified foods, because we deserve to know what the hell we’re eating. Tonight, a firmament of all-star chefs—including Meeru Dhalwala (Shanik), Matt Dillon (Sitka & Spruce, the Corson Building, Bar Sajor), Jim Drohman (Le Pichet, Cafe Presse), Tamara Murphy (Terra Plata), and Holly Smith (Cafe Juanita)—serve excellent food at the lovely Herban Feast to benefit this great cause. Any one of them will talk your ear off about GMOs, too. Also: beer from Hilliard’s, Finnriver cider, Hot Cakes sweets, and much, much more. (Herban Feast, 3200 First Ave S, Ste 100, yeson522.com/ bitenight, $125, 6:30 pm) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Oktoberfest Buxom

Royalty Contest

BOOZE

The Fremont Oktoberfest can be fun, especially if you like to drink real tasty beer in the company of lots of folks dressed in lederhosen and dirndl dresses. But the fest’s contest for “Mr. and Mrs. Buxom” is kind of strange I totally get that a lady’s boobies can look really neat when trapped inside a dirndl bodice. But why would a gentlemen want to win an award for his large and ample moobs? Is it a German thing? Either way, it also involves yodeling and a trivia contest. (Fremont Oktoberfest, Phinney Ave N and 35th St, fremontoktoberfest.com, 5 pm, $20–$30 adv/$25–$40 DOS, 21+, Sept 20–22) KELLY O

Jonathan Lethem

BOOKS Tonight at 7 p.m., the Central Library is hosting a free reading with Jonathan Lethem. That’ll be a great time—Lethem is a funny and disarmingly honest public speaker—but you really want to go to Third Place Books Ravenna, which is hosting lunch with Lethem. You don’t get many opportunities to take part in a casual—and quite possibly boozy—event with an author of this stature. The entry fee buys you delicious Greek food from Vios Cafe and a copy of Lethem’s epic novel about three generations of American protesters, Dissident Gardens. That’s a steal. (Ravenna Third Place Books, 6504 20th Ave NE, 525-2347, 1 pm, $35) PAUL CONSTANT

Seattle Fringe Festival

The Inhabitant Sessions

Charles Mudede wrote about American movie director Terrence Malick: “We get nothing out of these films but the dead weight of lost hours. Malick has no social information and, worst of all, no humor.” Mudede—a Stranger writer you may have read, but whose meaning you can’t fully grasp until you hear him laugh—is about weight, humor, and socialism (in several senses of that word). Tonight he starts a lecture series, the subject matter of which, if an early version can be trusted, will range from Spinoza to Prince to street markets in Zimbabwe. Afterward Silas Black will cook you dinner, and then there’s dancing to DJs OCnotes, Bob Catt, and guests. (Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, vermillion seattle.com, 5 pm, $5/$15 with dinner) JEN GRAVES

CONFLICT OF INTEREST

THEATER

The second year of the new Seattle Fringe Festival has some insanely promising stuff: Keefee’s House of Cards, a drunk, interactive blackjack game hosted by Stephen Hando; a remount of Waiting for Godot starring actors who were criticized during the original 1990 production for being “20 years too young”; AISLE 9, a new play about grocery stores by the brilliant triumvirate of Keri Healey, Wayne Rawley, and K. Brian Neel; and a whole basket full of other shows. If the new fringe festival has a wish-I’d-been-there year, this will probably be it. (See seattlefringefestival.org for details, Sept 18–22) BRENDAN KILEY

Savages

MUSIC

Over the last decade, many bands have drawn inspiration from early-’80s British post punk. London’s Savages are yet more disciples of this dark, stark strain of rock that bristled and grimaced during Margaret Thatcher’s reviled reign. On their debut album, Silence Yourself, vocalist Jehnny Beth sings with a deep, dramatic vibrato that triggers thoughts of Siouxsie Sioux, while the guitars and bass scathe with a sooty power. Savages’ four women conjure a cornfree malevolence missing from much modern indie rock. (Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $15 adv, 21+) DAVE SEGAL

Sly and Robbie

The impact of Sly Dunbar (drums) and Robert Shakespeare (bass) on Jamaican pop is close to total. The duo participated in the consolidation of its modern sound in the mid-’70s (“Pass the Koutchie” has the most perfect reggae riddim) and played a role in its digital moment (in the mid-’80s) and its final computerization (in the 1990s). On top of all that, they introduced the world to dancehall and worked with Grace Jones, Bob Dylan, Tom Tom Club, DJ Krush, and on and on. Tonight they perform with another reggae legend, Michael Rose: “Guess who’s coming to dinner, natty dreadlocks.” (Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $30 adv, 21+) CHARLES MUDEDE

ARTS

LYNNE WOODS TURNER, AMANDA VALDEZ, LÉONIE GUYER Shapes that remind you of something. Almost.

Three Abstractionists Make Stuff

The Life of Forms Is a Mystery

BY JEN GRAVES

In talking about her new paintings—some painted directly on the wall at Greg Kucera Gallery that will stay for a long, unspecified time—Léonie Guyer pointed out that cave paintings weren’t made in living rooms. Ancient artists worked in the depths of cave systems, the darkest, hardest-toreach places, and getting there was part of the art. There was a faraway quality. Art was at the end of a tunnel, where you had to make your own light.

Several of Guyer’s new paintings are black shapes visible on black grounds—tunnel’s end. What your eye sees is a color something more like charcoal mixed with deepest lapis lazuli than abandoned iPhone screen, but wait, not if you get closer, and wait, not from that angle, and wait, if that’s gray, then this must be black even though it didn’t look black at first, and wait, is that green in there? Everything moves; the title is Night walks on night

by Lynne Woods Turner, very different but simpatico. They too have been made carefully and slowly and in layers and layers. They glow and buzz, the lines still warm from the hands that created them.

The oscillating lines coalesce into sharp strict shapes that turn out to be slightly irregular and unfixed when you look longer or closer. In this series, the lines often extend outward beyond the linen-covered panels and beyond you, toward the opening end of a tunnel. These geometries remind her of ribs and arms opened wide. Their scale has no bearing on their size; they’re virtually boundless. She makes them little—only up to 14 inches on a side—so that they would never be larger than the torso of a friend. You draw in pretty close; everybody who sees them does.

There’s a deep, wide variety of great female abstract artists across the region right now. Eleven were the focus of Interior Margins at Portland’s Lumber Room in 2010, including Turner (of Portland), Guyer (San Francisco), and Victoria Haven (Seattle). They suffer no groupthink or stylistic trend. Where Guyer makes shapes floating in space, Turner uses shape to make spaces. Guyer uses dark, Turner light. Both do demonstrate how majestically soft even a hard line really is.

REVIEW

Lynne Woods Turner/ Léonie Guyer

Greg Kucera Gallery Through Sept 28

Guyer really likes The Life of Forms in Art, originally written by Henri Focillon in 1934. It takes up the question of how to determine what different forms mean or indicate at different times in history, and whether there are any observable absolutes. As Guyer echoed in her talk, his most stable conclusion was that “form is alive and the life of forms is a mystery.”

Amanda Valdez Prole Drift Through Sept 28

Add to this roster Amanda Valdez, born in Seattle, based in Brooklyn, having her first big Seattle solo at Prole Drift. Like Guyer, the infinitude of shapes is her lifelong subject. Each painting is a portrait of a shape, like a Chinese scholar’s rock. Suggested by Guyer and relatable to Valdez: Tantra Song, a 2011 cult-favorite book about purity, a bus crash, and holy Tantric paintings from Rajasthan, India.

Valdez’s new paintings are loud.

rience, sensations that break off into chunks: lying tangled up with someone in bed, pressing into a fellow passenger on a train, floating in an inner tube being partly in the water and partly in the sun and air. The quest to be precise about these things, most things, will take forever. In the gallery’s back room, see Valdez’s blue-bleeding, sun-dyed fabric Gemini constellation, and you become an object floating, too.

BOOKS

The New Life of Great Cities

The

Hottest Ideas and Thinkers in Contemporary Urbanism Are in Cities Are Good for You

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

EHer forms appear in a field, on a white wall, say, or a black panel, like mystical Scrabble tiles. “It looks like a…”—that’s what people say. The shapes are familiar but not the same as anything else. A tight dress? The twisting spine of a cat? A burglar tiptoeing off? Yes and no. The paintings are shifty. They’re the lover out of reach, leaving you bewitched, bothered, and bewildered here at the other end of the tunnel.

An embrace, phew (and yet, you’ll go back, too), waits in the next room of Kucera Gallery. Here are more small abstract paintings,

Glimmery, drippy paintings on paper look like wet monster mouths. The colors are saturated, phosphorescent, hot. The artist describes two of her shapes, embroidered and painted on canvas, as “the deviant, slightly garish mascots” for the deviant, slightly garish show. It feels like the hot fat forms were scooped out of someone’s insides. That’s how the artist feels about them, too. Since she was a child, she says, she’s felt like specific shapes are floating around inside her, dislodged and demanding to be translated into two dimensions. (This idea reminds me of the late Brazilian artist Lygia Clark, who would have people reach into a dark bag to fondle her sculptures. Valdez, it turns out, works in New York for an artist who happens to be inspired by Clark, Janine Antoni.) Valdez thinks the shapes come from direct expe-

REVIEW

Cities Are Good for You: The Genius of the Metropolis by Leo Hollis (Bloomsbury, $28)

xactly why are cities good for you? This is the question one expects to be answered in a book called Cities Are Good for You. Do cities make you live longer? Do they make you happier? Do they make you a more caring person? Which is it? Oddly enough, the book has very little to say about the important claim made in its title. Only on pages 286 and 289 does author Leo Hollis, a Londoner, tell us that people who live in cities do live longer than those who live in suburbs. And the reason for this is not at all profound: If you live in the city, you are more likely to use public transportation. And if you use public transportation, you are going to walk between stations or stops and your final destination. And when you walk more, you burn more energy, and this results in better health. And if you are healthier, you are happier, and if you are happier, you are going to be a nicer person.

The suburbs are car-dependent, and nothing good can come out of sitting in a machine that burns fossil fuel and not the energy stored in your body. “On the relative fit-

LOOSE LIPS

• The Raynier Institute & Foundation announced this week that it’s giving $1.1 million to Artist Trust and the Frye Art Museum. For five years, Artist Trust will give two awards of $15,000 and one award of $50,000 each year to local artists to make their work (all unrestricted funding). Those artists will then be exhibited at the Frye, with catalogs of the shows published. Expect at least two big group shows and several smaller ones at the museum, all featuring local artists. The Raynier Foundation was established by the late James W. Ray, a Capitol Hill art enthusiast who struggled with bipolar disorder and addiction, and left more than $80 million when he died. You can’t apply to get money from Raynier—they just find you. Recent Raynier funding has focused on homeless housing projects, including the great YouthCare

• On June 7, 2012, just days after the Cafe Racer shootings—in which a mentally ill man with a handgun killed five people and severely wounded another—musicians and other performers put on a benefit show at the Neptune. It was a highly charged evening with full-throated sing-alongs, solemn acrobatics, and surprisingly exuberant dancing. The event raised $80,000 toward a benefit fund to financially stabilize those affected by the shootings. It was also filmed. This Sunday, the Royal Room hosts a screening party of the resulting DVD with live music by Bakelite 78, the Bad Things, and musicians from the cafe’s weekly Racer Sessions (which some of the deceased played in). The party is free, but it’s a fundraiser—bring full pocketbooks.

• Three Dollar Bill Cinema, which produces lesbian, gay, and transgender film festivals, is moving into the 12th Avenue Arts building, joining Washington Ensemble Theatre, Strawberry Theatre Workshop, and New Century Theatre Company. Capitol Hill Housing is leading the 12th Avenue project—now under construction—to build arts spaces, retail space, and 88 affordable housing units on top of what used to be a Seattle Police Department parking lot.

• The lit Brits are pissed. The Man Booker Prize has announced it’s opening up to American authors for the first time starting in 2014. This year’s award, to be announced October 15, is between Colm Tóibín, Eleanor Catton, Ruth Ozeki, Jim Crace, NoViolet Bulawayo, and Jhumpa Lahiri.

• TeenTix is the local organization that hooks up Seattle teens with $5 tickets to arts events all over town, and this past Saturday brought the 2013 Teeny Awards, wherein TeenTix’s all-teen voting bloc names their favorite art events of the past year. Among the winners at the splashy ceremony held at ACT Theatre and hosted by the brilliant Lindy West: EMP’s Nirvana: Taking Punk to the Masses (best art exhibit), Pacific Northwest Ballet’s Roméo et Juliette (best dance performance), Seattle Children’s Theatre’s The Wizard of Oz (best play), and Pacific Science Center’s Laser Daft Punk (best other kind of event).

• Jeff Bezos took the last slice of pizza at a Washington Post board meeting last Monday. Then an alien burst out of his stomach and ate it before he could.

ness between young men in inner Atlanta,” writes Hollis in reference to research conducted by a professor in Vancouver, BC, “and the city’s suburbs, the average city dweller, compelled to walk more often, [is] 10 lbs. lighter than their suburban neighbor.” So that’s easy enough to understand and, as we see in the book, can be explained in a couple of pages. But Cities is nearly 400 pages. What else is it about?

The main matter, which is written in a very plain style (Cities is no Planet of Slums), provides a decent survey of the hot subjects, places, and figures in current urban thinking. You can even think of Cities as the literary version of Gary Hustwit’s 2011 documentary Urbanized. Indeed, a number of the people interviewed in the movie (Jan Gehl, a Danish pro-pedestrian urbanist; Enrique Peñalosa, the former mayor of bicycle friendly Bogotá) and places visited (the High Line in Manhattan, the Dharavi slum in Mumbai) make an appearance in the pages of the book. And if you combine the information in the documentary with the information in the essay, you will be up to date with the current developments, discoveries, and directions of our rapidly urbanizing species.

“In 2009, the journalist David Owen revealed the astonishing truth that living in New York is a more environmentally friendly lifestyle than living in the suburbs or even the countryside,” writes Hollis. “He showed that, contrary to most assumptions, when people live in close proximity to each other, in a walkable environment, they actually become far more environmentally efficient.” No book about urban life in our times would be complete without a few or, preferably, many words about Owen’s masterpiece Green Metropolis. It turned everything Americans thought about the city/rural binary upside down. The city suddenly became not a destroyer of nature but possibly its best hope. If Owen had not been mentioned in Cities (about two pages in all are devoted to him), it would have been a bad sign, an indication that Hollis was not up to snuff and had written the book without adequate preparation. Cities also mentions, but without much depth, an urban thinker often associated with Owen, Edward Glaeser, a neoclassical economist who in 2011 published Triumph of the City: How Our Greatest Invention Makes Us Richer, Smarter, Greener, Healthier, and Happier.

Unlike Hollis, however, Glaeser’s book does spend a number of pages providing meat to the claim made in its title. For example, young men who live in the city are simply less likely to kill themselves than those who live in the rural areas: “The suicide rate for younger New Yorkers is about 56 percent of the national average, which reflects the fact that suicides are more common in rural areas. The death rates from suicide in Alaska, Montana,

and Wyoming are more than 2.5 times higher than those in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New York.” Why? Because of guns: “Hunting is the strongest predictor of gun ownership in the United States, which explains why youth suicides rise significantly with the number of hunting licenses in a county.”

Another star of current urban thinking who appears in Cities is Geoffrey West, a Cambridge-educated physicist who left the standard concerns of his field (particles, gravity, the nature of light) to study animals (why is an elephant more energy efficient than a mouse?) and, most recently, cities (why are big cities more energy efficient than towns?).

“West studied how cities developed dynamically as they grew in size: how they changed shape and personality, how interaction intensified with increased levels of density…

Already he understood something of the nature of self-organized systems, but he gave it a twist by considering the city as an organic whole—one might think of a beehive or an anthill or even an elephant.” Hollis gives West and his ideas five whole pages, which is second only to what is allocated to Jane Jacobs, the current saint of contemporary city thinking. In fact, I have yet to read a book about city planning that does not mention Jacobs, who died in 2006 and is famous for placing people at the center of the built environment.

The best part of the book, however, is the chapter on one of the largest slums in the world, “Walking Dharavi.” Here, right in the middle of Cities, the writing even flirts with a little poetry (“This seemed like a strange way to build a city”), and we get good jolt of the kind of writing Hollis’s countrymen are famous for, travel writing. We leave the chapter with a sense of the sublime chaos of this fascinating and complex social system. To look on Dharavi is to see a massive engine for the transformation of humans into a brand-new race.

BOOKS

Attendance Is Mandatory

Seattle’s Literary Community Needs to Come to This Meeting

BY PAUL CONSTANT

It was the kind of meeting where absences were noteworthy. Last week at Hugo House, local author Ryan Boudinot led an informational session to discuss how to make Seattle a UNESCO City of Literature. In

“LIVE PAINTING” at the

Art Museum With Ryan “Henry” Ward and Xavier Lopez Jr.

PARK(ing) Day

1st Avenue & University St. Friday, September 20th 10 am-3 pm FREE and open to the public.

attendance were representatives from a passel of local literary institutions including Open Books, University Book Store, Third Place Books, Elliott Bay Book Company, Island Books, the APRIL Festival, and Seattle’s Office of Arts & Culture. On a whiteboard, the group came up with a list of 30 or so other organizations that help make Seattle such a vibrant book city: Seattle Arts & Lectures, Fantagraphics Books, Clarion West, Town Hall, Hedgebrook, and so on.

Boudinot showed videos demonstrating what the UN’s City of Literature designation means to cities, like Reykjavík and Dublin, that have already earned the title—a sense of international community, tourism dollars, an agency to advocate for the literary arts and to bring organizations together for a common cause. He opened the floor to questions about practical matters (the application process opens in mid-October). And people talked amongst themselves about what the City of Literature title might do for Seattle, including the benefits of having an independent agency that could successfully resurrect the idea of a book festival, and creating more landmarks to celebrate Seattle’s young-butvigorous literary history.

Getting a bunch of like-minded people in a room often creates a joyful frisson, and in many ways the meeting was the first test of Boudinot’s thesis: The community generated by the City of Literature program will be guaranteed to throw off sparks of ideas that would illuminate the beauty of Seattle for the rest of the world. Boudinot is hosting a second informational meeting on Monday, September

THEATER

Signs Point to Yes

One Magic

8 Ball’s

Optimism About the Second Year of the New Seattle Fringe Festival

BY BRENDAN KILEY

Last year, most of the media coverage of Seattle’s first fringe festival since 2003 was dedicated to looking backward. Since the new festival hadn’t done anything yet and was too brief to attract many reviews, preview stories focused on its doomed and overreaching predecessor—run by different people in a different decade. The 2003 festival featured approximately 100 performance groups and began approximately $40,000 in the red. In 2004, it went bankrupt.

So the Seattle Fringe Festival (SFF) of 2012 was the subject of cautious optimism, with 21 performing groups and relatively small audiences. In the middle of last year’s festival, I ran into a member of the steering committee who seemed despondent that the shows weren’t drawing bigger crowds—but

by the end, some were selling out. The SFF of 2012 was able to pay its rents and its artists and walk away with a few thousand dollars of seed money. Will audiences be warmer toward SFF 2013 now that one has come and gone successfully? “It’s been a long time since we’ve had a fringe festival,” says steering committee member Meaghan Darling. “And it’s a certain way of theatergoing that Seattle audiences aren’t used to anymore.” Namely, taking risks on a bunch of shows they don’t know much about. “There is an element of chance,” she says. “If you can’t get into a certain show you want to see because it’s sold out, you can run down the street and see something totally different that starts 15 minutes later—it’s that air of excitement, mapping it out, seeing what sinks and what floats.” All the shows are less than an hour. (Except for one: In 1990, some Seattle actors including Shawn Belyea and K. Brian Neel staged Waiting for Godot for that year’s SFF. One critic said they were “20 years too young” for their roles. So now, 23 years later, they’re giving it another shot. SFF is making an exception to its less-than-an-hour rule for this full-length Godot.)

This fringe festival is not curated—shows are selected by lottery, in part because it hopes to someday join the Canadian fringe circuit, attracting the caravan of international theater nomads who cross the continent, from east to west, every summer. Selection by lottery is a requirement for joining the Canadian Association of Fringe Festivals. But a lack of curatorial rigor can make audiences grumpy. (See some complaints about this summer’s Lo-Fi Arts Festival at Smoke Farm and the NEPO 5k art walk on Beacon Hill a few weeks ago.) Darling says that sometime in the future, the festival may figure out a way to shine a bigger light on handpicked shows. But for now, they’re sticking with the lottery.

Since it’s all a crapshoot, audiences have to rely on a combination of inference and divination to figure out what they want to see. Here are a few of this year’s shows (selected at random) and the opinion of a Magic 8 Ball found in a dusty corner of the Stranger offices. AISLE 9: Powerhouse playwrights Wayne Rawley, K. Brian Neel, and Keri Healey (nominated for a Stranger Genius Award last year) team up to write a threepart play about a man and a woman who meet in the same aisle of a grocery store in 1983, 2013, and 2043. Magic 8 Ball says: “As I see it, yes.”

Pussy: This San Francisco show is about a lesbian couple “teetering on the brink of a breakup,” their landlady, and a cat with strong opinions. Magic 8 Ball says: “Cannot predict now.”

(No Static at All): Alex Knox from Los Angeles named his solo show after a Steely Dan song and plays records on a turntable to augment his story about a friend who lived a wild life before joining a Hasidic community in Israel. Magic 8 Ball says: “Outlook good.”

Bi, Hung, Fit… and Married: Another solo show, this one from Vancouver, BC, about “an erotic journey.” Magic 8 Ball says: “Better not tell you now.”

Hooked: Yet another solo show (they travel more easily) about seven “notorious and eccentric” women who had to fight with sexism and addictions, including Carson McCullers, Jane Bowles, Elizabeth Smart, and Unity Mitford. Magic 8 Ball says: “Signs point to yes.”

What a generous Magic 8 Ball! May all its predictions come true.

David Hartt: Stray Light: A gallery is transformed into a room carpeted in the style of the 1971 Johnson Publishing Company building in Chicago. On display are a film and photographs of the same subject. Hartt’s almostdeadpan pictures wonder about the lines between personal identity and shared places. The Photographs of Ray K. Metzker: A five-decade career charted.

Camera Nipponica: Photographs from Japan, 1880–1930: These are photographs, taken in Japan, between the years 1880 and 1930. Highlights include Untitled Portrait by unknown photographer. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jan 5. 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280.

NORTHWEST AFRICAN AMERICAN MUSEUM

Marita Dingus: Fashion Freefor-All: Northwest artist Marita Dingus improvises garments, drawing inspiration from French high fashion as well as traditional African textiles. $6. Reception Sat Sept 21, 6-8 pm. WedSun. Through Jan 6. 2300 S Massachusetts St, 518-6000. Gallery Openings

301 STOREFRONT GALLERY

Juan Alonso: A show of recent layered paintings from the Cuban-born Seattle artist. Free. Wed-Sat. Through Sept 28. 301 Occidental Ave S COCA GEORGETOWN

You Won’t See Me: Portraits by Art Jones: Polaroids, projections, live portraiture. Free. Mon-Fri. 5701 Sixth Ave S, Ste 258 728-1980.

FETHERSTON GALLERY Iceland: Hvitt Dagar/White Days: Landscape photography. Free. Reception Thurs Sept 19, 5-8 pm. Sept 19-Dec 13. 818 E Pike St, 322-9440.

FRANCINE SEDERS

GALLERY

Emily Gherard: Smudgy, delicate, and modest paintings from one of this year’s Neddy Award short-listers. Free. Reception Sun Sept 22, 2-4 pm. Tues-Sun. Sept 19-Oct 12. 6701 Greenwood Ave N, 782-0355.

JACK STRAW NEW

MEDIA GALLERY

Steve Peters: Lições dos Antepassados: The title translates to “lessons from the ancestors,” and the work is a sound installation that draws its source material from the Magaio region of the Gralheira Mountains, the common and Latin names of local plants and animals, and voices of Seattle’s Portuguese-speaking community. Free. Reception Fri Sept 20, 7-9 pm. Mon-Fri. Through Nov 8. 4261 Roosevelt Way NE, 634-0919. PHOTOGRAPHIC CENTER NORTHWEST Holly Andres: The Homecoming: Tableaux photography that portrays an eerie heightened suburban reality. Free. Reception Thurs Nov 8, 6-8 pm. Mon-Sun. Sept 24-Dec 15. 900 12th Ave 720-7222. ROOM 104 Molly Magai and Dara Solliday More Paintings About Buildings and Cars: The buildings and cars in

with special interest taken in the Denny regrade and freeway overpasses Free. Wed-Sat. Through Nov 2. 306 S Washington St, #104 953-8104.

SEATTLE CENTRAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE

La Influencia: Features the works of contemporary Oaxacan artists Maestro Enrique Flores, Maestro Flugencio Lazo, Maestro Shinzaburo Takeda, and several other maestros. Free. Mon-Fri. Through Oct 25. 801 E Pine, Fine Arts Building, Fourth Floor, 903-3205.

Events

ARTIST SPEAKS: AL DOGGETT

Doggett reflects on his life and work and concluding with a demonstration on the foundation’s beautiful grounds. James and Janie Washington Cultural Center 1816 26th Ave, 7094241. jameswashington.org. Free. Fri Sept 20, 6-8 pm. HOW TO SEE AT NIGHT

A night walk through Pioneer Square with with light artist and urbanist Leni Schwendinger, talking about outdoor illumination, Pioneer Square history, and light in general. AXIS Pioneer Square, 308 First Ave S. Free. Tues Sept 24, 6:30-8:30 pm.

SEATTLE DESIGN FESTIVAL

A 10-day festival, with 70-plus events devoted to the idea that design can be transformative. This year’s theme is “Design in Health.” Various locations 658-2710. www.seattledesignfestival.org. Admission varies by event. Mon-Sun. Through Sept 22.

YOUNGSTOWN OPEN HOUSE

About a year ago, Youngstown Cultural Arts Center got a new director after a handful of years spent languishing and bleeding the staff that had made the place what it was. This open house reintroduces YCAC. The artists in the studios upstairs open their doors until 6 pm, followed by an evening of performances until 9. Food trucks are standing by. Youngstown Cultural Arts Center, 4408 Delridge Way SW, 935-2999. youngstownarts.org. Free. Sat Sept 21, 1-9 pm. visualart@thestranger.com

READINGS

Wed 9/18

BREADLINE

Capitol Hill’s zestiest reading series features two Stranger Genius Award–nominated poets: Ed Skoog and Kary Wayson. They are both lovely readers of their own work. Two other very good poets, Oliver de la Paz and Rick Barot, will be reading, too. Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, 709-9797. Free. 7 pm.

TIMOTHY EGAN

Who better to deliver the 2013 A. Scott Bullitt Lecture in American History than the local author of very good books The Worst Hard Time and Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher: The Epic Life and Immortal Photographs of Edward Curtis? Well, probably Gore Vidal would be better, but Gore Vidal is dead, so stop complaining and enjoy what you’ve got. Central Library , 1000 Fourth Ave, 386-4636. Free. 7 pm.

A. SCOTT BERG Berg’s Wilson is a thick biography of our 28th president. Hopefully, this book will provide some insight on the strokes that weakened and perhaps incapacitated Wilson at the end of his life, which is one of the more fascinating moments in presidential history. Town Hall 1119 Eighth Ave, 652-4255. $5. 7:30 pm.

Thurs 9/19

JONATHAN LETHEM

See Stranger Suggests, page 37. Central Library, 1000 Fourth Ave, 386-4636. Free. 7 pm.

Fri 9/20

FRIENDS OF THE LIBRARY SALE

It’s time for the most fun library fundraiser of the year, in which thousands of books are for sale for dirt cheap, as in a buck or two a copy for many titles. The Members Only preview night is

Fri Sept 20 at 6:30 pm. The sale is open to the public from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Saturday, September 21, and on Sunday, September 22, the sale will be open from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m., and everything will be 50 percent off all day long. Magnuson Park, 7400 Sand Point Way NE, 682-7567. Free. 4 am.

PETER DOHERTY

Doherty is a Nobel Laureate and author of books like Their Fate is Our Fate and Pandemics He believes that bird and human health go hand-in-hand. Or handin-tip-of-wing. Or something. Town Hall 1119 Eighth Ave, 634-3400. $5. 7:30 pm. Sat 9/21

MARISHA PESSL

You know what book I really didn’t like? Marisha Pessl’s Night Film

It’s a poorly written thriller about a mysterious director, and it’s got all these bells-and-whistly gimmicks (the book has its own app) that try to convince you it’s secretly a book about something. Ugh. If you want to read a good thriller about a similar subject, try reading Theodore Roszak’s excellent Flicker instead. Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7:30 pm.

Sun 9/22

KATHLEEN FLENNIKEN, LUCIA PERILLO, AND FRIENDS

Press materials list this event, unfortunately, as an “Eco-Poetry group reading.” But Flenniken, our state’s poet laureate, is actually a good poet, which is often rare for poet laureates. In addition, Perillo is a gifted writer who has won a MacArthur Fellowship. The authors are reading in support of a new poetry collection called The Ecopoetry Anthology Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 3 pm.

THE INHABITANT

SESSIONS

This is part one of a three-part series fashioned after human anatomy—specifically heads, stomachs, and asses—sponsored in part by Berlin’s Souciant magazine. Standing in for the head is The Stranger’s own Charles Mudede, who will give a new talk about zombie neoliberalism and how in the future, everyone is going to be a hustler. Vermillion 1508 11th Ave, 709-9797. Free. 5 pm.

Mon 9/23

COLIN MCADAM

A Vermont family adopts a chimpanzee and raises it as their surrogate son in McAdam’s newest novel, A Beautiful Truth Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 366-3333. Free. 7 pm.

Tues 9/24

TERRY MCMILLAN

Love her or hate her, you know the names of McMillan’s books: Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back and so on. This event, in support of her new book, Who Asked You?, is going to be a capital-e Event, and sometimes literary Events are a lot of fun. Central Library, 1000 Fourth Ave, 386-4636. Free. 7 pm. readings@thestranger.com

THEATER

Opening and Current Runs

BENGAL TIGER AT THE BAGHDAD ZOO

A large tiger roams the streets of Baghdad, thinking about the meaning of life. Directed by Michael Place, starring Mike Dooly as the tiger, Ali el-Gasseir as Uday Hussein, Ryan Higgins as an American soldier, and many others. Washington Ensemble Theatre, 608 19th Ave E, 3255105. washingtonensemble.org.

$15-$25. Thurs-Mon at 7:30 pm. Through Oct 7.

EL AÑO EN QUE NACÍ

In El año que nací (“the year I was born”), young Chilean artists piece together what their parents’ lives looked like during the cruel Pinochet regime using old relics (letters, clothes, videos), old memories, and rock ‘n’ roll. This is part of the first US tour by Argentine writer/

director/actor Lola Arias. On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 217-9888. ontheoboards.org.

$12-$25. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through Sept 22.

FAMILY AFFAIR

A monthly cabaret, hosted by Jennifer Jasper ( I Can Hear You…But I’m Not Listening ), in which guest artists “will be sharing their sick, hilarious, and ultimately relatable familial skeletons.” Proceeds from each performance will go to a family in the Seattle arts community that is experiencing “an unforeseen crisis.” Tickets at the door, no pre-sales. Rendezvous, 2320 Second Ave, 441-5823. www. rendezvousseattle.com. $10. Every third Wed at 7:30 pm.

LES MISÉRABLES

“If you close your eyes, Balagan’s production of Les Misérables is marvelous. Jean Valjean is sung by Louis Hobson, whose upper register could make angels weep. (Hobson just returned to Seattle from New York City, where he’d been working on Broadway, to be Balagan’s new artistic director.)

Brian Giebler sings Marius with a brightness and power that nicely counteracts the dewy sentimentality of all of Marius’s songs. Had director Jake Groshong made this a concert version of the show, this would be a rave review. Alas, this is a full staging—with limited resources. The set, lighting, and costumes utterly fail to transport you to Paris in the 19th century. Jean Valjean ages before our eyes by way of what looks like Halloween sprayon gray hair coloring. And the blocking is clumsy. While no one sings ‘Bring Him Home’ better than Hobson, why is he up on a platform so close to the ceiling, and why does he get down on his knees halfway through, his face partly blocked by a handrail?”

(Christopher Frizzelle) Erickson Theater Off Broadway, 1524 Harvard Ave, 329-1050. balagantheatre.org. $10-$30. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 pm. Through Sept 28.

MIDDLETOWN “Middletown, especially its first act, is one of the best things that’s happened to Seattle theater in years: deadpan wit synthesized with emotional pyrotechnics as small-town people actually say what most of us can barely articulate, even to ourselves. Will Eno’s play is a loose riff on Thornton Wilder’s Our Town but seen through the eyes of an astronaut, a cheerfully morbid librarian, a confused young housewife, a drunk mechanic, a poetically minded but brutal cop, and others. Go, go, go.” (Brendan Kiley) ACT Theatre, 700 E Union St, 292-7676. acttheatre.org. $20$46. Tues-Thurs 7:30 pm, Fri 8 pm, Sat-Sun at 2 and 8 pm. Through Sept 30.

ROSEMARY

“A new play by young local writer Seth Tankus who, earlier this summer, staged a quasi-guerrilla political satire in Volunteer Park about murderous queer anarchists titled The Inevitable Rise and Fall of Breeder Killers, USA. It was a little Brecht, a little John Waters, and occasionally unwieldy. But it was smart, funny, and very promising. Rosemary, produced by a new company called RiOT, is about punks, druggies, queers, and other tough-luck kids growing up in Bremerton, WA, and a girl who runs away to Denver with a new lover.” (Brendan Kiley) Inscape, 815 Airport Way S. brownpapertickets.com. $10. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through Sept 21.

SEATTLE FRINGE FESTIVAL

See preview, page 40. Various locations. seattlefringefestival. org. Wed-Sun at various times. See website for details. Through Sept 22.

SOFT CLICK OF A SWITCH

A disaffected young man and a morose middle-aged man— called, in one London review, “the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of the streets”—meet and learn how to make bombs from a library book. Things start exploding. Starring Brandon Ryan and Mark Fullerton, directed by Peggy Gannon. West of Lenin, 203 N 36th St, brownpapertickets.com. By donation. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Sept 28.

theater@thestranger.com

WORN OUT

BY MARTI JONJAK

HOTSY-TOTSY REN-FAIRE WEAR

The Renaissance movement spanned a few centuries, spread into several countries, and contained a vast spectrum of ingredients—from bejeweled maidens, merriment, and rhythmic prancing to darkness, imprisoned lovers, hellish deaths, and just about anything else you could imagine. And recently in Bonney Lake, the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire celebrated the living shit out of all of it. If you missed it, go next year. The annual event is crammed with jousting knights, dirt roads, plastic skeletons, smoked turkey drumsticks, hay-bale seating, endless duetting lute-lyre jams, fake accents, and good times. Many attendees wear spotlessly replicated medieval ensembles, while others pair Renaissance basics with neon feather boas or athletic toe shoes, presumably to make their looks more “now.” Watch for tapestry unicorns encrusted with pearls, tri-corner hats, laces threaded through eyelets, kneehigh boots with floppy cuffs, and raw leather tunics. Peasant blouses are a big hit, too. The men leave them untucked, while the women layer theirs under corsets that simultaneously cinch their torsos and shift their breasts, causing the latter to flatten into strange shapes or bubble vividly upward.

Also in the well-wadded and eagerlyjutting-out category, codpieces make a bold statement, though it’s unclear what that statement actually is. Fashion historians have long debated the codpiece’s function. It might have been armor, or functioned as an alarmingly intimate purse for coins and keys, or secured a paste of medicinal ointments back when syphilis was going around like crazy. Who knows, perhaps it did all three things at once. Even still, codpieces look ridiculous today, so don’t expect to see them in stores anytime soon. (Worth noting: Writer, activist, and Black Panther Eldridge Cleaver attempted to revive codpieces in the mid-1970s. Using Soul on Ice royalties, he designed, manufactured, and earnestly marketed the multicolored, slimfit, junk-accentuating trousers known as “penis pants,” but the line failed to catch on.)

What else?

Merchant tents are everywhere, including Seven Meadows Archery, marked by a heavily eyelinered male mannequin outfitted in turban, fur mantle, and fashiony power pose to embody a hotsy-totsy mythicbarbarian vibe. The Magickal Aardvark carries a huge and shimmery selection of floor-length cloaks (polyester, $145). And Treasures from the Cairn sells coyoteface hides—buy them separately ($5 each) or embellished on a pouch ($19), perfectly sized to carry the half-eaten peanut-butterand-jelly sandwich you bring on journeys into the forest.

Send fashion tips to marti@thestranger.com

WEDDING CRASHER

BY SARAH GALVIN

DOUG AND RANDY’S BIG SURPRISE

Doug Lotz and Randy Speer met through a personal ad Doug posted in this very paper in 1998, in search of a man to share his love of romance, adventure, and martinis. A week later, he went out for Thai food with Randy, and now they’ve been traveling, having martinis, and throwing parties together for 15 years. Of course, a couple that’s been so happy for so long has to go out of their way to make their wedding a surprise. When inviting Wedding Crasher, Doug wrote, “Everyone except our mothers, the officiant—a good friend ordained online—and now you thinks we got married on July 5 under the ruse that we are far too weepy to get through it in front of everyone. Which we are. We are going to surprise them all and really get married at what they think is just the reception.” At their home in Shoreline, friends and family gathered around the backyard pool, wearing leis—the plumeria kind, not the ones grown by the same method as Astroturf—eating coconut shrimp and drinking homemade POG mimosas. The yard was decorated with tiki torches, conch shells,

NAAM Community Conversation Series September 26, 2013 6-8pm

and a Mayan calendar from the couple’s favorite vacation destinations. The ceremony was modeled after the one in the movie Spaceballs, with their friend Laurie saying only, “Do you?” and the grooms, “I do.” The assembly applauded. The brevity didn’t prevent anybody from getting weepy. There was another surprise. I first mistook the sound of the mariachi band approaching for a passing car’s stereo. When the musicians appeared, Randy put

his arm around Doug, teary-eyed. Randy loves mariachi music, and he had no idea Doug had hired the band. Laurie told me they love to surprise each other, and it’s always fun to see what they do at Christmas. It was wonderful to witness what happens when two people have spent years learning to make each other happy.

Comment on Wedding Crasher at

Author David Leeming presents The Prophecy of James Baldwin

PHOTOGRAPH BY SEDAT PAKAY Northwest African American Museum Free for NAAM Members Free with museum admission 2300 S Massachusetts Street 206-518-6000 | www.naamnw.org

MARISHA PESSL Night Film

Random House

“Expands from a seemingly straightforward mystery into a multifaceted, densely byzantine exploration of much larger issues ...” – Booklist. “Beautifully imagined, beautifully written, and hypnotically suspenseful.” – Lee Child.

Marisha Pessl reads Saturday, September 21 at 7:30 p.m.

BILL McKIBBEN

Oil and Honey: The Education of an Unlikely Activist Times Books

“In this elegant and deeply inspiring book, Bill McKibben has given us something remarkable: a front-row seat in the global battle against the fossil companies that are wrecking the planet, and an intimate glimpse into the intensely local life and landscape for which McKibben himself is fighting... A gift.” – Naomi Klein.

Bill McKibben reads Monday, September 23 at 7:30 p.m. at Town Hall Seattle.

Co-presented with the TOWN HALL CIVIC Series. $5 tickets are available at the door starting at 6:30 p.m., or in advance via www.townhallseattle.org

PETER BAGGE with CIENNA MADRID

Woman Rebel: The Margaret Sanger Story

Drawn & Quarterly

“Bagge is an indie star, famous for his wonderfully elastic cartooning style and punkinflected comedies.” – Roger Sabin, The Observer. “Peter Bagge is one of the best comic storytellers ever.” – Vice.

Thursday, September 26 at 7:30 p.m. at Town Hall Seattle.

Co-presented with the TOWN HALL ARTS & CULTURE Series, in conjunction with Drawn & Quarterly and City Arts. $5 tickets are available at the door starting at 6:30 p.m., or in advance via www.townhallseattle.org

CHOW

or toasty-yeastiness, no air bubbles or elastic pull for rewarding chewing. It reminded me of attempts at homemade crust, where you can tell that you did wrong by the gluten somehow. But hey, you can say hi to the chickens.

The Masonry on Lower Queen Anne— it’s on Roy, across from that church with the weird roof, just down from 88 Keys—is notably lacking in visible masonry. The stones are inside the pizza oven at the back of the room, encased in shiny metal. When the owners were building it—they did it themselves, since anything they could’ve bought wouldn’t have fit through the door—the mason came

in, and, as the affable Matt Storm puts it, “We needed a fuckin’ name for this place,” and there they had it.

Pie Versus Pie

Two New Seattle Pizza Places (One with Live Chickens)

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Was Humble Pie beamed via satellite from Portlandia?

The new restaurant—really more of a pizza gathering space, with nearly all outdoor seating, herbs growing—is at the

otherwise weedy, trafficky corner of Rainier and Weller. Humble Pie’s most notable neighbor is Linc’s, the beautifully decrepit tackle shop (with “LIVE WORMS & MAGGOTS!”). Within Humble Pie’s boundaries, on a sunny and still-summery evening, it feels like an earnestly relaxed community P-Patch party—one transported from, it must be said, a far whiter neighborhood. Its structures, handmade by owner Brian Solazzi in a simple, contemporary, attractive style, center on two repurposed shipping containers. The sign on the roof has a distressed typeface carefully routered into wood:

humble pie

people • planet • pizza

Humble Pie 525 Rainier Ave S, 329-5133 humblepieseattle.com

The Masonry 20 Roy St, 453-4375 themasonryseattle.com

The sign also has a depiction of the head of a chicken, and, at Humble Pie, there are actual chickens in a coop by the farthest picnic tables. These actual chickens lay the eggs that you can get on your very own pizza; no need for a supercilious server to tell you the bird’s life story, for its life is right there. (The chickens

live so close to the tables that you have to admire Humble Pie’s assiduous husbandry, for there is no chicken coop smell.) “Let’s go say hi to the chickens,” a man with a beard says to his friends, and they amble over while they wait for their pie. A woman processes endlessly on her cell phone while she eats, the hapless couple across from her privy to all the current politics of her emotional life. At any rate, everyone who works at Humble Pie (it’s order at the counter, get your drinks, then they bring the rest out to you) is very nice, and the pizza is… pretty good. Since the egg-makers are on premises, a pie like the Mushroom Egg—fresh mozzarella, mushroom, caramelized onions, not too much truffle oil, and an egg—tastes extra rich and bright. The Prosciutto, Egg, Arugula has an impressive bright-green heap of greens. There’s a pie with pulled pork and Beecher’s cheese. In general, the toppings are fresh and plentiful and tasty; it’s the crust that leaves something to be desired. For wood-fired pizzas, the three I’ve tried ($8 to $12) were sadly lacking in any char, their bottoms pale, the texture spongy, the taste neutral—no saltiness

The airy, dim, midsize room is utilitarianstylish: a couple long tables, open kitchen, light fixtures made out of beer bottles, a long line of 20 taps. They change out their beers so much that the printed-out tap list usually contains quite a bit of chicken-scratch handwriting, and then there are 40 beers in bottles on the back, getting as far-flung and esoteric as anyone could ever want. Storm, who came from Malt and Vine—“the Bottleworks of the Eastside”—says he had to really, really resist naming the place something beer-nerdy. They also like their football at the Masonry; when the game’s on, showing on two big screens, there’s a definite sports-and-beer-nerd feeling, one that’s mellow and inclusive rather than testosteroney. During the Patriots versus the Jets, two women nursing beers left for a few minutes, then came back with a pack of cards and started playing.

The pizza at the Masonry is up there with the best in the city. Lucas Neve runs the kitchen; he (and a few other staff members) came from Cafe Lago in Montlake, which had been making wood-fired pizza for approximately 117 years when this recent, most welcome trend began. His crust is very thin in the middle, puffed up at the edges, blackened in spots on the bottom, buoyed by air bubbles; it’s got the right amount of chewiness, the gentle resistance to the bite. It’s not too salty, and it’s tasty enough that you’d never dream of leaving any on the plate. The Mushroom ($12) has creamy-salty taleggio cheese, tiny twigs of pungent fresh thyme, big pieces of not-tooheavily marinated cremini, punctuating tastes of garlic; if you think you don’t like white pizza, this one will change your mind. The Sausage ($11.50) has mild, house-ground meat, fontina, a rich but not bossy tomato sauce, and the brilliant addition of a little shallot. The amounts and the flavors of the toppings are ideally calibrated. If you get add-ons (pancetta on the Mushroom, picked pepper on the Sausage), it is very pleasurable overkill.

Just beware of the Masonry’s “snack mode”: They’re open all afternoon, but from two to five o’clock, they use the oven for prep, meaning no pizza. The salads and the housemade pickles are good, but they’re not as good as the pie. You could always drink beer and watch the game while you wait. Comment on pizza at THESTRANGER.COM/CHOW

MEXICAN CUISINE Happy Hour:  4pm-6pm & 10pm-12am (drink specials til 1 am!)

Drinks under $5

Food under $6

Open 11am-2am, Mon-Sat LATE NIGHT EATS Kitchen Open til Midnight Patio

Cafe MOMO

LUNCH

DRINKKING WITH CHARLSE MUDEDE

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

CITY OF WOMEN

The end of summer is sadly here. The sun is setting on the bay. The traffic on the streets outside the huge windows is light. The bar, Black Bottle, is simply filled with women. There are 19 of them, and two of us (the other man is the bartender). One table has six women, the rest have pairs, and one woman is at the bar. Is this downtown Seattle or the capital of Amazonia? The music pouring out of the speakers behind the bar is ’90s triphop—a tune from Funki Porcini’s Hed Phone Sex, Portishead’s “Wandering Star,” Kruder & Dorfmeister’s “Original Bedroom Rockers.” I order happy hour white wine, something ginny and red and exotic, a pretty plate of tacos, and a bowl of fried olives. My server’s name is Misty. Her eyes remind me of someone I briefly met at a massive party in the renovated industrial district of Linz, Austria, in 1999. If I had not chanced to see Misty’s eyes, I probably would never have recalled this person again in my life: Those eyes dislodged her from

the dark depths of my past, and she rose to the bright surface of my attention Another woman—shoes almost like slippers, white dress with elegant black patterns— enters and joins the only woman at the bar.

“Cities are becoming more female,” writes Leo Hollis in his book Cities Are Good for You (which I review on page 39).

“Almost everywhere in the world, the proportion of women to men is changing… The rise of women in the city is perhaps one of the least-discussed aspects of the urban future.” For so long, we have coded the city as a dangerous place for women, a place that corrupts and abuses them. The story often told in movies and news reports: An innocent young woman moves to a big city, is seduced by some ruthless man, becomes experienced, and ends up a fallen streetwalker. But the real story of the city can be found in another page of Hollis’s book: “Kavita Ramdas, head of the Global Fund for Women, noted in 2001: ‘In the village, all there is for a woman is to obey her husband and relatives, pound millet and sing. If she moves to town, she can get a job, start a business…” The women in Black Bottle are clearly independent, not pushing or carrying burdensome babies, and enjoying a drink between work and home. The city is for women.

Chow Events

Wed 9/18

“EAT A BUG” BOOK

TALK AND EDIBLE INSECT BUFFET

Author and naturalist

David George Gordon, aka the Bug Chef, author of the newly revised The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook talks about the ramifications of a bug-based diet, then serves up a bug buffet for all to enjoy/ cringe at. Pizza from Cafe Racer will also be served, but it will be covered in bugs. Burke Museum , NE 45th St and 17th Ave NE, 543-5590. burkemuseum.org. $5; free for museum members. 7 pm.

Thurs 9/19

VEGETARIAN DINNER AT THE CORSON BUILDING

The Corson Building is great, as are local vegetables in autumn, and this vegetarian dinner will probably be very delicious. Do with this information what you will. The Corson Building , 5609 Corson Ave S, 762-3330. thecorsonbuilding.com. $40 plus tax and gratuity.

BUBBLES & OYSTERS

In Ballard Annex Etc.’s back room, it’s “an educational tasting event to learn more about the perfect oysters to pair with some of the most rare vintages of champagne,” including Kusshis with Moet Imperial, Kumamotos with Veuve, and three more, at quite a nice price.

Ballard Annex Oyster House , 5410 Ballard Ave NW, 783-5410. ballardannex.com. $35 for 10 oysters and 5 champagne pairings.

BITE NITE FOR YES ON 522

See Stranger Suggests, page 37. Herban Feast 3200 1st Ave S #100, 351-3323. yeson522. com/bitenight. $125. 6:30-9 pm.

Fri 9/20–Sun 9/22

FREMONT

OKTOBERFEST

Head to the center of the universe (as proclaimed by Fremont) for “the number one Oktoberfest in the universe” (as proclaimed by Fremont Oktoberfest). If you like beer plus tons of people partying in the streets, well, then, prost! Fremont. fremontoktoberfest.com. $20-$40.

Sat 9/21

TAMALE-MAKING CLASS

Embrace the pork lard and learn the secrets: You’ll take home a dozen tamales of your own making at the end, plus the ability to make tamales for the rest of your natural life. Class fees support Centro de la Raza’s Senior Wellness Program. El Centro de la Raza, 2524 16th Ave S, 957-4611. elcentrodelaraza.com. $75. 10 am-12:30 pm (with more dates through Dec 14).

Sun 9/22

BUG BLAST

The Burke Museum hosts its annual Bug Blast, where all things

entomological are considered. Spend the afternoon learning about bugs that eat plants, plants that eat bugs, and bugs that eat bugs—then eat bugs yourself in the company of other entomophagists and The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook author David George Gordon. Burke Museum, NE 45th St and 17th Ave NE, 543-5590. burkemuseum. org. Free with museum admission. 10 am.

NOVO FOGO

BARS ON FIRE

Bellevue microdistillery Novo Fogo uses the Brazilian fermented sugar cane known as cachaça to “set bars on fire.” The figurative arson features “discounted cocktail prices, caipirinhas in a jar (shake it yourself, will ya?), soccer talk, free hugs, FOOD!, and a broad range of cachaça cocktails from folks who have traveled the endless universe of cachaça,” hosted by Anu Apte. Rob Roy, 2332 Second Ave, 623-3325. novofogo.com. No cover. 5-8 pm.

FRIED CHICKEN COOK-OFF

Ethan Stowell, the man behind a bunch of restaurants (you know), hosts a charity cook-off in which you get to try 117-ish kinds of fried chicken made by pro chefs and notable amateurs, plus lots of beer. Proceeds benefit the Fetal Health Foundation. Tavolata , 2323 Second Ave, 838-8008. ethanstowellrestaurants.com.

$50. 6 pm.

Mon 9/23

CRUSH COOKING CLASS

“Have you ever wanted to know the secrets of the Crush kitchen?” Okay, then—Crush owner and James Beard Award–winning chef Jason Wilson guides you in preparing/ eating dinner (with wine included). Tonight: butchery. It’s pricey, but Crush is pretty great; if we were rich, we might go to one of these (but we’d donate a bunch of money to a food bank too). Crush , 2319 E Madison St, 302-7874. chefjasonwilson.com.

$150. 6:30 pm.

Tue 9/24

GREEN PLATE SPECIAL BENEFIT DINNER

Green Plate Special is the great after-school/ field-trip/camp program that gets middle schoolers into food-growing and cooking. This evening, the also-great Cafe Presse makes a four-course dinner (wine included!) featuring produce grown by GPS students, all to benefit GPS. The menu starts with fava fritters with zucchini relish and garlic-yogurt sauce, and ends with clafouti with ground cherries and pears (plus ground cherry purée and whipped cream). In between: more goodness. And for a good cause! You should go to this! Cafe Presse , 1117 12th Ave, 709-7674. greenplatespecial.org. $75 (includes wine, tax, and tip). 6:30 pm.

Hours: 7am-7pm 7 days a week

MUSIC

Regert Nothing

Chastity Belt: The Hardest Smirking Band in Show Business

BY EMILY NOKES

Chastity Belt are a real band. But before they were a real band, they were a chant, a scribble—a joke taking wry ownership of an almost unbelievable concept. The lore of the literal chastity

belt seems to begin at the Crusades, when people assumed husbands kept their wives locked up in metal underwear to assure fidelity while they were away fighting dragons for Jesus. Though the internet claims the devices didn’t actually come into physical existence until much later (only the metaphorical concept was there, in medieval poetry I never want to read), the idea is no less horrifying, or hilarious. I’m glad we can all laugh about it now.

Which brings us to the other, much better Chastity Belt, a local four-piece whose songs of male ponytails and nip slips are delivered with swoony, intricate guitar and subdued/raw vocals. The band is Julia Shapiro on guitar and vocals, Annie Truscott on bass, Lydia Lund on guitar, and Gretchen Grimm behind the drums. I met up with Shapiro and Truscott to learn about how they got started, what the fuck they thought they were doing (young lady), and how they got so good at it.

progression that matched every pop song ever, we just had to change the key.” The following school year, “Lydia and I came up with just the name Chastity Belt—we would go to frat parties and flip over tables, like ‘We’re punks, chastity belt!’ We’d start chastity belt chants, break bottles,” Shapiro says. “But then feel bad and sweep it up,” adds Truscott.

Chastity Belt

w/Prissy Clerks, Stickers Sat Sept 21, the Cockpit, 8 pm, $6, 21+

It started freshman year at Whitman College in Walla Walla (a place Shapiro and Truscott tell me is “filled with wheat fields— the thing to do was buy a bottle of wine and sit in a wheat field”). “Annie, Gretchen, and I played in this band called Combo Pack,” Shapiro begins. “We strictly did covers of songs like ‘Kiss Me Through the Phone’ and ‘Buy You a Drank.’ We found this chord

The first instance of the band Chastity Belt came when the four entered a fraternitysponsored battle of the bands. “We wrote one song, and it was like five minutes long, maybe longer. Maybe like six or seven,” Shapiro recalls, “and the chorus was: Take your chastity belt off/And surrender/To the god of punk!, and we had all these lines about eyeliner, hair dye, and stealing cigarettes from your mom.” Truscott adds: “And we wore shirts that had our name on them, written in a tag that Lydia made up—she’d rented out library books on graffiti and made a Chastity Belt tag. It had little quotes around it—she noticed a lot of tags in the book had quotes around them for some reason, so Chastity Belt was in quotes.”

The band kept with it and started “actually playing some songs” during their junior and senior years in school (2010/2011). “We had a lot of different songs back then,” Shapiro says.

“‘Teenage Hooligan’ was our biggest one, and there was another one with a really good line:

cleverly titled No Regerts (out last month on new Seattle label Help Yourself). The album took less than three days to record with José Diaz at Heartland. “He was really encouraging,” says Truscott. “We’d have a recording where we’d say, ‘I guess we’re pretty happy with this,’ but he’d say, ‘No, we’re gonna try this again.’”

The work paid off. No Regerts has Chastity Belt sounding their absolute best—clean, minor-chord-driven guitar lines balance the summery laid-back rhythm. Even the older songs have a fresh new feel I didn’t expect— like sandblasting an already beautiful building to reveal a better color you didn’t realize was underneath. The smart and lightly shocking lyrics are delivered in Shapiro’s distinctive wail, which can sound rather serious if you’re not paying attention to what she’s saying. In “Seattle Party,” Shapiro moans sarcastically about the deep tattoos and rough lives of austere partygoers; in “James Dean,” she screams, “You’re a slut, I’m a whore/We’ve fucked everyone before,” and casually laments how she feels like a prostitute.

But faced with such a solid album containing absolutely NSFW (if your WFSux) songs, more “mainstream” folks seem to be confused as to how to address Chastity Belt’s brash humor. Using their fantastic band photo (a slyly dramatic shot taken by local photographer Sarah Creighton, in which we see the band standing stoically in dour 1950s-style dresses, with Shapiro in front, lifting her skirt to expose a steak covering her crotch, held in place with a lock and chain), eye-rolly click-bait site Buzzfeed put Chastity Belt in the numberone slot on their “21 Painfully Awkward Band Photos” list. The caption reads, “No chastity belt is required—thanks, ladies. This is plain terrifying.” (The snark is lazy and doesn’t land, especially since the other 20 photos are mostly kitschy album covers from the past.)

I wanted to hold his hand, but his dick was too big/It got in the way. We also had one song about this guy who went to our school, Mark Glasionov, who had a 15-piece drum kit and never stopped jamming—Andrew from Dude York was touched by that one, and he wants us to bring it back.”

At this point in the interview, I’ve been laughing so loud, I know I’m disrupting the sensitive ecosystem of the coffee shop we’re in, but I could listen to these stories all day— I’m positively in awe of anyone who had the ability to take stereotypical shitty college experiences and flip them into pure, fun satire while they were still in college

“We would go to frat parties and flip over tables, like ‘We’re punks, chastity belt!’”

In 2012, after graduation, the band moved to Seattle, where they fit right in, playing shows alongside bands like Pony Time, Stickers, Wimps, and fellow Walla Walla–ers Dude York. Having witnessed one of their debut performances at the Josephine, I’ve watched them progress from that sillier “who-gives-a-shit” band to a more confident, stage-owning “we-still-don’t-give-a-shit-butnow-we’re-really-good” one. For one, they’re less nervous. “For a while when we were first playing shows, we thought that you just had to get really wasted in order to do them,” says Truscott. “But then we realized it was so much easier if we weren’t drunk—like, ‘Oh that’s where that cord goes.’”

Chastity Belt’s adventures have culminated in the release of their first full-length, the

“The same time the Buzzfeed thing happened, we also got on NPR and Pitchfork, but Buzzfeed was the biggest, which is funny,” Shapiro says. “The list was so stupid, but I’m not complaining—a lot of people found out about us that way.” Fair enough. And really, judging from comments on the list and reallife conversations, the idiots seem to separate themselves rather cleanly from the people who know the other people are idiots. With a solid 7.5 from Pitchfork (though they named every member in the band except Truscott— to make up for that, I would like to say this: Annie Truscott, Annie Truscott, Annie Truscott) and largely positive response to the new record, Chastity Belt’s momentum has them leaving for a three-week tour next month with Pony Time. The ladies even recently took a weekend retreat and wrote five or six new songs for no other reason than they didn’t want to get sick of their current songs on the upcoming tour. New Chastity Belt songs might see more of the members singing and different approaches to song structure. “People told us that we sound like Electrelane—I looked them up and really liked them,” Shapiro says. “They have a lot of songs that kind of jam at the end or have a weird guitar solo that doesn’t sound like a bro-y guitar solo. It’s more like someone trying to figure out how to solo, but it sounds really cool—one of our new songs has something like that.” But rest assured, they won’t be losing the smirk anytime soon. “I think we have a new song called ‘I Don’t Care,’” says Shapiro. “You have to let go at a certain point; if you control it too much, you’re ruining it.”

Comment on 15-piece drum kits at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

Sister from Another Planet

The Voice of Meklit Hadero Is Like Nothing and Everything You Have Heard Before

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

Let’s begin with the Station, a Beacon Hill cafe that’s small, near the best Link station, and also the very place I’m writing these words on a cloudy day (yesterday was sunny and the sunset was spectacular).

Early last year at this cafe, I met Gabriel Teodros—the local rapper, community activist, and humanist—to talk about an album he had then just dropped, Colored People’s Time Machine, and his life in general (he had recently returned from visiting his mother’s home country, Ethiopia). Teodros, however, was very excited to discuss a project that had consumed a good amount of his time and creative energy in 2011 called Earthbound—a very experimental and conceptual work of science/sonic fiction. It was a space opera recorded in Oakland using the sounds of actual stars or cosmic events recorded by NASA. It involved three artists, whose union was called CopperWire: Teodros, Burntface (a rapper/producer), and Meklit Hadero (a singer).

energy among millions of species beyond (and within) our own skin… Without ‘the other,’ we do not survive.” This was exactly the kind of science/sonic fiction imagined by CopperWire. It was all about life supporting life, life-forms living with other life-forms, life beginning and ending with life (bacteria, bugs, birds).

October 1 TICKETS From: $30 KEITH JARRETT, GARY PEACOCK & JACK DEJOHNETTE 30TH ANNIVERSARY CONCERT

An Earshot Jazz Festival co-presentation

S. Mark Taper Foundation Auditorium Jazz piano trio hits Seattle as part of a fourcity U.S. tour!

Meklit Hadero Wed Sept 25, Jazz Alley, 7:30 pm, $18.50, all ages

When Earthbound was released later that year, I was a bit baffled. I had imagined it would be very futuristic, like Drexciya’s “Bubble Metropolis” or Model 500’s Deep Space. I expected the sounds of rockets, computers, lasers, warp drives, warning signals, and the like.

Then there is Meklit Hadero, a Bay Area–based and Ethiopian-born jazz/soul singer who released a solo album in 2010 called On a Day Like This and has worked extensively with our very own and very talented jazz bassist Evan Flory-Barnes (in fact, she will be performing at Jazz Alley with Flory-Barnes and D’Vonne Lewis, which is half of the emerging local band Industrial Revelation). On the website for CopperWire, Hadero calls herself Ko Ai, a space creature who is a part of “a messenger species who exhibit the half-particle/half-wave dynamics of quantum physics, even at non-quantum sizes. Born in a supernova, Ko Ai now swims through electrical networks, audible acoustic and electromagnetic waves and digital signals. She is adept as a mermaid darting through the ocean. She is a new kind of elemental, and she has problematic revolutionary ideas.”

Hadero calls herself Ko Ai, a space creature who is a part of “a messenger species.”

In short, and to use the words of Craig Mack, I thought CopperWire would “kick that old robotic, futuristic, George Jetson, crazy joint!” But what I heard instead was a very soulful, emotional, and earthy record. It was as if the three were traveling in a spaceship filled not with computer monitors and buttons, but with a biosphere (trees, mud, clouds). What kind of futurism was this? It did not make sense to me, until I read these words by the great and late biologist Lynn Margulis in the book Symbiotic Planet: “If people ever journey for extended periods in outer space, the endeavor will never be as machinate and barren as Star Trek. The vision of sterile engineering emancipating us from our planetmates is not only tasteless and boring, it borders on the hideous. No matter how much our own species preoccupies us, life is a far wider system. Life is an incredibly complex interdependence of matter and

I love this description because it captures the strangeness of her voice, which draws from so many musical sources: triphop, hiphop, folk, gospel, indie rock, Ethiopian pop. Indeed, it’s so mixed and enchanting and original that it seems to be beamed to Earth from another world, another race of people.

Also, though her voice is very organic and natural in feeling and expression, it is not motherly. In the book Black Macho and the Myth of the Superwoman, Michele Wallace (a culture critic) describes the common American perception of black women being so motherly, so mammy-heavy, that you would expect to find roots growing from their feet. This is not Hadero. True, she sings about great compassion and sensitivity, but she has poetry, a way of phrasing that’s cosmopolitan. There are no roots under her feet.

Extended periods in outer space at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

November 5 TICKETS From: $40 EMMYLOU HARRIS AND RODNEY CROWELL WITH RICHARD

S.

WED/SEPTEMBER 18 • 7:30PM matt wertz w/ elenowen

THU/SEPTEMBER 19 • 7PM dougie maclean

21 • 8PM an evening with aaron neville

SUN/SEPTEMBER 22 • 7:30PM SQUARE PEG PRESENTS moshe kasher

MON/SEPT 23 • 7PM & 9:30PM 91.3 KBCS WELCOMES an evening with allen toussaint

WED/SEPT 25 • 7PM & 9:30PM billy cobham’s “spectrum 40” featuring dean brown, gary husband and ric fierabracci

CELEBRATING TEN YEARS THROUGHOUT THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER! next • 9/26 sonny landreth w/ cindy cashdollar • 9/27 robert cray • 9/28 optical 3 - night vessel w/ zola jesus, jg thirlwell, margaret chardiet aka pharmakon • 9/29 optical 4 - black noise w/ oren ambarchi, the sight below, raime • 10/2 john scofield’s uberjam • 10/3 - 5 la danse! le burlesque! l’edition francaise! • 10/6 vinicius cantuaria • 10/7 bob schneider w/ gabriel kelley

Hall.

KASHER

BY ANNA MINARD

Anna Minard claims to “know nothing about music.” For this column, we force her to listen to random records by artists considered to be important by music nerds.

THE DAMNED

Machine Gun Etiquette (Chiswick)

I was looking forward to listening to some “I am a white dude shouting a lot/My life is very hard” music. I’ve been doing this column for a while now; maybe I’ve managed to train my ears so I can hear some special nuances inside British men yelling over their guitars.

Well, that’s a no. My first hot tip is: Don’t start your day off with the Damned. They’re just not an early morning experience. Not even, at least in my case, if you get up feeling cranky. At least not the first track. Just give your ears a minute.

Damned proto-Juggalos? Yes?) Thankfully, the next song passes the clown test with flying colors, since the clown test is really a pass/fail situation. “Plan 9 Channel 7” is their excuse to squeal over guitars that are already squealing. Double-squeal! Dudes love to squeal.

Actually, I can’t tell how much these guys are making fun of themselves—it might be a lot. They seem like they’re having a lot of fun, but I can’t tell where the joke line is and where it’s serious. (Wait, says Google: Band members include guitarist Captain Sensible and drummer Rat Scabies. I think the seriousness level might tip more toward fun-having and less toward point-making.)

They like maracas. Who doesn’t love maracas? The last tracks, “Smash It Up Part One” and “Smash It Up Part Two,” are the most fun of the whole thing. The first part is gurgley guitar and bass and some chill, tapping drums. You think a crooner might step up on this, but no, this is a moody instrumental, my friends. Then in part two, they rev up and everyone starts showing off. If the whole album was like this one last track, I would’ve liked it. “Smash it up, smash it up!”

Actually, once Machine Gun Etiquette gets going, it’s not so much a blob of I-usevolume-to-express-my-angst kind of playing—it gets more complex and interesting. The song “I Just Can’t Be Happy Today,” which sounds like it might be a good wakeup-cranky song, has lots of cymbals, then someone yells about the devil, then they go on an Epic Organ Solo.

“These Hands” fails one of the basic tests of whether I can like a song: Is it about a demented circus clown murdering a woman? Oh, it is? Then I’m pressing fastforward! (Wait… does this song make the

MY PHILOSOPHY

HEAVY PAIN, MEGAHERTZ

I wanna send love out to the friends and family of 206 Zulu’s Tristan Stewart, who recently passed away. Stewart was well-loved and active in the community. As the founder/owner of Spoken Visuals (a live sound and lighting company), he was responsible for the Rise & Decolonize events at Westlake, as well as a slew of other community functions. “He gave 100 percent all the time for the people and the community,” says his comrade Julie C, “and was always so happy to be involved and to support those who were serving the community.” I didn’t know Tristan, but it’s readily clear that he is missed and loved by his folks. RIP.

I also wanna send some thoughts and love out to the 509—where the Spokane hiphop scene has been rocked by the loss of MC/DJ/journalist Isamu “Som” Jordan My thoughts are with his wife, kids, friends, fans, and community, to which it sounds like he was a rock and an inspirational figure. I didn’t know Som, but I was aware of the brother’s work at the Spokane7 and the Spokesman-Review, as well as his work with his hiphop orchestra Flying Spiders I caught word of Som’s death—which was apparently self-inflicted after a long bout of depression—on what was officially Suicide Prevention Day. It’s not at all about me, but it fucked me up to be honest.

The drummer and guitarist both get to sound really awesome, and I bet they practiced in the mirror a lot. (You can basically hear their faces.)

Try as I might, none of my heartstrings are plucked by this sort of yell-athon, even once I realized the boys aren’t as angsty as they appear. But has many a young dude tossed his unwashed mane around to the strains of this? Surely. And rightly so.

I give this a “go pluck yourself” out of 10.

Comment on Never Heard of ’Em at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

I know I wrote about this in January, after the suicides of Freddy E, Capital Steez, and Chris Lighty, but goddamnit, we don’t talk enough about mental health. Particularly in hiphop, and in the black and brown communities that hiphop sprang from, absolutely—but also in general. We variously front, put on a face, swallow pills, turn up, eat bad, sleep little, overextend ourselves emotionally and financially, and somehow expect that one day we’ll just be rich enough—or just fucking high or checked-out enough—to make it all go away once and for all, without getting at the wound we really carry. Some days, the hurt we hold is as loud as jet engines, and we just pray no one else can hear it. Please, don’t just hold that which feels like it will crush you—talk to somebody. I know that’s easier said than done. Depression, anxiety, and addiction seemingly darken every corner, but hold on.

I hate to think of somebody skimming this column dismissively because I wasn’t talking enough shit—or more to the point, about enough rap, or rap shows, and that is the ostensible reason we are here, so: NW veteranos Chicharones are at the Croc on September 18, the same night that Las Vegas breakout rapper Dizzy Wright appears at Neumos. Closet Bay Area backpacker Mistah Fab and friends can be found at Nectar on the 22nd, and DC double threat producer/MC Oddissee is at the Crocodile on the 23rd. If we’re lucky, the last splashes of one of Seattle’s most baller summers ever will light our way into the fall—it’s gray as I type this, but who’s to say what can happen today? Sweet weather metaphor, I know.

COMING UP: 9/18 DIZZY WRIGHT 9/25 PETER HOOK & THE LIGHT 9/26 NEON INDIAN DJ SET 9/26 JETS 9/27 LITTLE BOOTS 9/27 PEARSON SOUND 9/28 GOLD PANDA 9/28 JOHN TEJADA 9/29 AEROPLANE 9/30 HANSON 10/3 CUMULUS 10/4 FOX AND THE LAW 10/13 KID INK 10/15 HOLY GHOST! 10/16 KING KHAN & THE SHRINES 10/18 GOBLIN 10/21 THE BLOW 10/22 DEER TICK 10/23 HAIM 10/24 GODFLESH 10/25 COCOROSIE 10/26 THE 1975 10/27 AU REVOIR SIMONE 10/28 BERHOFT 10/29 EXAMPLE

CRYSTAL BALL READING ROOM

THURSDAY 9/19

RED BULL SOUND SELECT FT. MARNIE STERN SHELBY EARL + KATIE KATE

TUESDAY 9/24

MICHAEL ROSE SLY AND ROBBIE KORE IONZ + SELECTA MATSUI

WEDNESDAY 10/9

FRIDAY 9/20

BURGERAMA CARAVAN OF STARS TOUR 2013 ft. THE GROWLERS + COSMONAUTS + GAP DREAM + TOGETHER PANGEA + LA LUZ + THE MEMORIES ROBERT EARL KEEN

WEDNESDAY 10/2

THURSDAY 10/10

SATURDAY 9/21

SCORPION CHILD KADAVAR + GYPSYHAWK + WILSON + MOTHERSHIP

SATURDAY 10/5

MAN MAN XENIA RUBINOS

MONDAY 9/23

DELOREAN SUPERHUMANOIDS

SAVAGES DUKE GARWOOD

SUNDAY 10/6

GRAYSKUL SADISTIK + GRAVES33 + CONTINENTAL SOLDIERS + DJ SPARK

FRIDAY 10/11

MARKY RAMONE’S BLITZKRIEG WITH ANDREW W.K. ON VOCALS FIGO

COMING UP: 9/23 JACKSON SCOTT 9/24 HIBOU 9/25 DIRTY BEACHES 9/27 CHELSEA WOLFE 9/28 JOAN OF ARC 10/2 HAND OF THE HILLS 10/4 NO JOY 10/5 EXILE PARADE 10/6 HOUSES 10/8 OKTA LOGUE 10/9 JACCO GARDNER 10/10 BUDO 10/11 SIR SLY 10/12 TIM KASHER 10/13 HELADO NEGRO 10/15 CRYSTAL STILTS 10/16 TONY LUCCA 10/17 NEEMA 10/19 SAN FERMIN 10/20 YOU MAY DIE IN THE DESERT 10/22 CLAIRY BROWNE & THE BANGIN’ RACKETTES 10/23 KEEP SHELLY IN ATHENS + CHAD VALLEY 10/26 KODALINE

THURSDAY 9/19

PORCELAIN RAFT USF

MONDAY 10/14

OVERSEAS RADAR BROS + CHRIS BROKAW

PALMA VIOLETS SKATERS

FRIDAY 9/20

KATE BOY THE TEMPERS

SATURDAY 9/21

SUNDAY 9/22

HANNI EL KHATIB BASS DRUM OF DEATH

YOURYOUNGBODY KELLI FRANCES CORRADO + GOLDEN GARDENS + DJ EA$Y IRI$

SOUND CHECK

INTERVIEWS BY TRENT MOORMAN

A FOUR-WAY WITH BURGER’S CARAVAN OF STARS

Sean Bohrman and Lee Rickard of Anaheim pop band Thee Makeout Party! founded the cassette-dominant Burger Records in the year AD 2007. With it, they engrained a nonstop, can-do, DIY ethos. Two years later, they opened a Burger record, tape, and video store with Brian Flores in Fullerton, 25 miles southeast of Los Angeles, billowing the Burger zeal across the land through their myriad releases of psych, garage, bubblegum, flowered pop, and punk. Burger-produced shows have also steadily expanded, with the second Burgerama selling out two nights at the 1,000-seat Santa Ana Observatory. A sampling of the Burger family includes releases from King Tuff, Brian Jonestown Massacre, La Luz, Hunx and His Punx, Nobunny, Mean Jeans, Diarrhea Planet, and the Go. The label’s work means constant activity and push; thus, the Burger mode is happy-go-worky very hard, love your bands, and do good philanthropically. In the face of the corporate, Miley-Virus, music-business malaise, Burger Records is a beacon. Their Burgerama Caravan of Stars Tour is upon us. For this interview, Sean Bohrman and members of the Growlers, Gap Dream, and together PANGEA did a four-way. There was laughter and jollity throughout.

TP: I went off-roading with some bro friends I smoked weed with in high school, and for some reason we thought it was a great idea to light a mattress on fire on the side of the highway. The fire got so big and outta control that we drove back into the mountains to hide from the cops and fire department.

G: I showed my friends an oil field by my house, and there was this old truck there that looked like it hadn’t been driven since World War II. My buddy hot-wired it, started driving, and then jumped out. We watched it ghost ride off of a cliff into the darkness. Then we heard a giant explosion. There were flames 30 feet high. We ran. It was a fucking oil field. They must’ve thought it was a terrorist or some environmentalist wacko. Glad we didn’t light the whole city on fire.

Burgerama Caravan of Stars Tour

w/the Growlers, Gap Dream, together PANGEA, and more Fri Sept 20, Neumos, 6 pm, $15 adv, all ages

How does Burger Records decide what bands they’re putting out? What’s the philosophy? SB: We just listen for what we like—there’s no science to it. We work really, really, really hard all day, every day. There’s nothing we do that doesn’t have some kind of relation to Burger.

Has anyone ever come to a Burger show, tripped on acid, and gotten nude? Or climbed a tree and started throwing shit down at people thinking they were Donkey Kong? SB: One time, Cum Stain got arrested at Burger for motorboating a girl and keying her car. It was super-dumb.

TP: At the first Burgerama, our buddy Ty was crowd-surfing during our set and a security guard choked him out, so we stopped and made the security leave. In Oakland, Danny [bassist] ate 10 hits of acid and Cory [guitarist] ate six. It was insane, and I feel like some Donkey-Kong-related activity went down. In San Diego, Chad [guitarist] and Danny ate a ton of mushrooms, and it was really hard to play. In Irvine, Cory and Danny ate a lot of mushrooms, and it was also very difficult to play. We were supposed to get paid in mushrooms at the Irvine show, but the dude who organized it was a shittard and gypped us and the Tijuana Panthers.

GD: There’s always some guzzler at a show messing things up, but one time this chick puked at a shop show. It was bleak.

G: During a show in Austin, I looked over and saw enough hair on the neck of Matt’s guitar to make a balding old man jealous. The crowd had pushed a young girl into Matt, and the wire hanging off his guitar had scalped her.

Tell me a story about lighting something on fire. SB: One time, my brother threw a cigarette on a friend’s neighbor’s roof, and it caught fire and burned the house down. It was super-dumb.

ELIANE ELIAS

THU, SEP 19 - SUN, SEP 22

Pianist/vocalist/arranger combines the sensuous, sun-splashed melodicism of Brazil with the harmonic sophistication of New York City

PHRONESIS

TUE, SEP 24

British/Scandinavian Jazz Trio

MEKLIT HADERO

WED, SEP 25

If you were to have some exotic hobby, like ice sculpting or raising llamas, what would it be?

SB: Ka-ra-te.

GD: Don’t llamas spit on people?

TP: Deep-sea fishing with Gene Ween. I love fish.

G: I’d give cave tours on acid.

What do you think of Vanilla Ice? How often does Vanilla Ice get high and run down the street nude? SB: I’m into it.

TP: He lives down the street from us, so I see him from time to time at the local liquor store. Never seen him nude. Maybe I’ll start working on getting him naked.

TG: Vanilla Ice probably has it pretty rough. Probably does a lot of downers.

What is your favorite band of all time? Why? SB: The Bee Gees—their arrangements, lyrics, and harmonies affect me in a way that no other band can. It’s beautiful.

GD: ABBA. You know why.

TP: Mean Jeans. Because it’s always “Slime Time” in our hearts.

G: Bob Marley and the Wailers. They’re like the Beatles on weed.

Talk shit about something. Anything. Maybe you hate some artist. Talk shit about Monet. His garden is bullshit.

SB: I hate the automobile company that uses “zoom zoom” as their tagline. Who are they selling cars to? Babies? I just feel like they are talking down to people by using “zoom zoom” to sell cars to adults. It really bugs me.

G: All this fucking newer folk music with Disney beats and moaning chants on the radio right now. Sounds like a Mouseketeer at Burning Man.

What does the future hold for Burger Records? What’s next? B: Pop-up shop on the moon…

Read the rest of this interview at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

“...combines N.Y. jazz with West Coast folk and African flourishes, all bound together by Hadero’s beguiling voice” -Filter Magazine

DAVID GRISMAN QUINTET

THU, SEP 26 - SUN, SEP 29

A unique blend of folk, swing, bluegrass, Latin, jazz and gypsy.

AKI MIYAFUJI

KOBE’S 2013 VOCAL QUEEN

MON, SEP 30

14th Sister City Jazz Day

THE YELLOWJACKETS

TUE, OCT 1 - WED, OCT 2

Celebrating over 30 years of music with their latest release, “A Rise In The Road”

KARRIN ALLYSON

THU, OCT 3 - SUN, OCT 6

“Ms. Allyson is one of the most grounded singers working today.” – New York Times

WEDNESDAY 9/18

LEVATOR

UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS AND ORIGAMI GHOSTS

$6 • 9PM

THURSDAY 9/18

TOUGH CUTS MONTHLY PRESENT: JARV DEE

METAL CHOCOLATES AND LAZER KITTY

$8 • 9PM

FRIDAY 9/20

HOUNDS OF THE WILD HUNT LURES AND ARMED WITH LEGS

$8 • 10PM

SATURDAY 9/21

BIG WHEEL STUNT SHOW

BATTLEME AND NIGHTRAIN

$10 • 10PM

SUNDAY 9/22

SECRETARY WITH A LEAF MODERN PHANTOMS AND WARSHIPS

$6 • 8PM

TUESDAY 9/24

THE MC TYPE

JONNY OCTOBER, CORINA CORINA AND KATHLEEN JENKINS

$6 • 9PM

SPIRITS,

FRI 9/20 STAY TUNED WITH REGIONAL FACTION,

TRACORUM (SF, CA) TIP TO BASE & THE MYSTIC ARROWS MON 9/23 MICHAEL SHRIEVE’S SPELLBINDER

TUE 9/24

JILLY RIZZO & SKULLBOT SAT 9/21

ACOUSTIC ARMAGEDDON! #3

WED 9/25 ABSOLUTE KARAOKE

UP&COMING

Lose your Velveeta cheese on a paper plate every night this week! For the full music calendar, see page 63 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 9/18

Neko Case (Paramount) See Stranger Suggests, page 37.

The Chicharones, Shelton Harris & Tyler Dopps, Kublakai (Crocodile) See My Philosophy, page 55.

Bankie Phones, Chris Davis, Bath House, Bad Motivators (Pony) See Data Breaker, page 69.

Dizzy Wright (Neumos) See My Philosophy, page 55.

LAKE, Elissa Ball, Your Heart Breaks (20/20 Cycle) Often found performing at DIY spaces rather than at open-mic coffee shops or slam-poetry nights, Elissa Ball goes the Patti Smith route with her live shows, usually pairing her readings with a rock drummer. Her work comes off as more of a minimal punk band minus guitars: The combination of shouts and whispers emphasize her sincerity, and her largely feminist-centric pieces range from hilarity to heartbreak, from political to personal. She will be doing a few poems from her first book, The Punks Are Writing Love Songs, but will mostly be presenting new unreleased work and hinting at possible plans to incorporate electronic-music elements into her shows. Her stylized performances are unique presentations of what poetry can be, the energetic punk aesthetic a welcome addition to an oft-dismissed art. BREE MCKENNA

FRIDAY SEPT 20 | 7:30 PM

ISLANDS, BEAR MOUNTAIN, HIBOU

$13 ($12 W. CLUB CARD) ADVANCE

WEDNESDAY SEPT 25 | 7:30 PM ONWARD ETC., SHEBEAR

$8 ADV

FRIDAY SEPT 27 |

7:30 DOORS 8:00 SHOW THE EVENS

$8 ADV

MONDAY SEPT 30 | 6:00 PM

RAIN FEST & THE VERA PROJECT PRESENT: ALPHA & OMEGA TAKE OFFENSE & MORE!

$10

MONDAY OCTOBER 7 | 7:00 PM

DAN CROLL

$12 ADV

THURSDAY OCTOBER 10 | 7:00 PM RADICAL SOMETHING DOWN WITH WEBSTER

$16 GENERAL ADMISSION

SATURDAY OCTOBER 12 | 7:30 PM THE RED PAINTINGS

$8 ADVANCE

ALWAYS ALL AGES

Stres, Them Are Us Too, Dark Features, Silty Loam

(Comet) Seattle trio Silty Loam only have two songs available for public consumption, but one of ’em, “Rest,” sounds like it could be a long-lost showstopper by Detroit soul-funk bros Rare Earth. The other one, “Blood,” carries the lust-mad urgency of Music Machine or ? and the Mysterians. Man, it feels good to hear a young local band that doesn’t seem to be auditioning for a gig at the library. Stres—Seattle musician Josh Bolof—has a new Erik Blood–produced EP, Old Lives, that will morosely charm the trousers off you, and then make cutoffs out of them. This is good, moody one-man-band action, its yearning melodies pointed downward for teasing out more Novocained poignancy. This night is part of Liquid Sky, “a monthly darc danse nite of pure Aural Therapy,” it says here. DAVE SEGAL

The New Mastersounds, Rippin’ Chicken

(Nectar) When musicians from countries other than America excel at funk, it’s probably because they’ve put in serious practice and study. Such is the case for Britain’s the New Mastersounds. They’ve, uh, mastered that late-’60s/early-’70s funk feel originally pushed into the world by artists like the Meters, Dyke and the Blazers, Eddie Bo, and the Gaturs. Because this OG funk sound is so primal and satisfying, it’s not annoying to hear it replicated by bands working today, as long as they have the chops and innate feeling for it. And the New Mastersounds have both in abundance. They’ve earned the right to title two of their songs “Dusty Groove” and “Yo Mamma.” DAVE SEGAL

NECTAR LOUNGE 412 N 36th St 206.632.2020 www.nectarlounge.com

9.18 Wednesday (Funk) THE NEW MASTERSOUNDS w/ Rippin’ Chicken, DJ Funkscribe $10 adv / $15 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

9.20 Friday (Reggae)

WINSTON JARRETT

(“True Born African” Documentary Release) TURBULENCE

Adrian Xavier Band, Junya Be $12 adv. $15 door, 8pm, 21+

9.21 Saturday (Dance)

80’S vs 90’S DANCE PARTY with DJ Indica Jones & DJ Harsh and featuring special BURLESQUE & AERIALIST performances.

A Benefit for planned Parenthood. $10 donation, 9pm, 21+

9.22 Sunday (Hip Hop)

MISTAH FAB (of Crooked I)

NEEMA w/ DJ Gerze & Jkey

Cliff the Sav, Feezable the Germ, Aquino, 26 Wayz 21 Reasons, Mikey Vegaz $10 adv / $15 dos, 8pm doors, 21+

9.24 Tuesday (FREE Live Band Karaoke) KaraokeGrass!!

NO COVER, 7pm Doors, 21+

9.25 Wednesday (Reggae)

EVERTON BLENDER and the Yard Squad Band with Triniti, Wet City Rockers

$12 ADV / $15 DOS, 8pm, 21+

Thursday 9/19

Lori Goldston, Cock & Swan, Ionophore, Corey Brewer (Heartland) See Underage, page 64 and Data Breaker, page 69.

Tape Deck Mountain, QunQ, A Province of Thay, Uh Oh Eskimo (Black Lodge) See Underage, page 64.

Glitterbang, Double Duchess, Magic Mouth (Chop Suey) There’s a chorus in the new Double Duchess song “Bucket Betch” that simply states, “We’re poppin’ up and takin’ over the place!” And who is the “we?” The hiphop homos, that’s who!

Not unlike Chicago’s bear rapper Big Dipper, San Francisco’s Double Duchess make campy-queer electro-hop anthems that are primed and ready to take over clubs coast to coast. Paired with the duo’s high-energy live performances (I’ve seen singer Kry-

lon Superstar spin on her head at Chop Suey, and MC davO rap flawlessly while swinging from the stripper pole at Pony) Double Duchess are about to be your new favorite neighbors, swiftly gentrifying our new musical gayborhood. KELLY O

Friday 9/20

Burgerama Caravan of Stars Tour 2013: The Growlers, Cosmonauts, Gap Dream, Together Pangea, La Luz, and more (Neumos) See Sound Check, page 57.

The National (Paramount) See Thursday.

Islands, Bear Mountain, Hibou (Vera) No matter what he does, Islands’ frontman/ principal songwriter Nick Thorburn will likely always have his output unfairly held up against his 2003 demented indie-pop classic with the Unicorns, Who Will Cut Our Hair When We’re Gone? And while it may be impossible to equal the freewheeling lo-fi weirdness of that album, his work with Islands is a slicker, more polished, and more maturesounding take on the Unicorns’ quirky formula that still contains much underlying lyrical angst and emotion. Islands’ just-released latest album, Ski Mask, is deceptively bright and shimmery in some parts—see lead single “Becoming the Gunship”— but at its core is “a record about being angry.” The beautifully dark balance struck here sounds like exactly what Islands have been striving for since their 2006 album, Return to the Sea MIKE RAMOS

Prissy Clerks, Wimps, Blooper

(Heartland) Minneapolis, Minnesota five-piece Prissy Clerks make ’90s-infused danceable grunge-gaze balanced with just the right mix of buzz and polish. It’s fast and sweetly catchy—shy vocals whispersung through non-abrasively noisy indie. I imagine Prissy Clerks could be the young, adorably nerdy stepsibling to a band like the Breeders (but softer) or maybe Belly (but less boring). Also on the bill are unstoppable pizza punks Wimps (have you heard their new songs? Have you??) and soda-poppy Blooper, so unless the power goes out, this show is a sure bet. EMILY NOKES

Star Anna, Sassparilla, Mark Pickerel (Tractor) If you glance a few blurbs down, you’ll see that I kind of trash Chicago’s Wild Belle for having about as much passion as a slice of cheese. What a snoozefest! One will never be able to say the same about Star Anna, though. Whether she’s performing solo, just her and a guitar, or playing with her band the Laughing Dogs, Star Anna cries with her entire body and soul. Her Americana-tinged rock tunes focus on familiar feelings—leaving, being left, looking for hope—making her emotional delivery hit the heart even harder. We’ve all been where she’s singing from, but most of us can’t make those moments sound so fucking good. MEGAN SELING

Saturday 9/21

Cock & Swan, IG88, Benoît Pioulard (Cairo) See Underage, page 64 and Data Breaker, page 69.

Hakim Murphy, Aaron Clark (Electric Tea Garden) See Data Breaker, page 69.

The Vibrators, New Iron Front, No Buffer, Frog Flag

(El Corazón) Certainly the headliners of this El Corazón punk showcase had to be some whippersnappers getting sexy with what they do not realize is a previously taken name. BUT NO, IT’S JUST THE FUCKING VIBRATORS, the British punks whose 1977 debut Pure Mania will sparkle forever in melodic slam-bang majesty, and who have, uh, released follow-up records in every decade since then. (Sorry, guys, it’s been busy.) Tonight, the Vibrators are joined by 21st-century punks New Iron Front, No Buffer, and Frog Flag. DAVID SCHMADER

John Coltrane Birthday Celebration: Matt Jorgensen

(Tula’s) I was disappointed by the appearance of the Saint John Coltrane African Orthodox Church, which is on the famous San Francisco jazz strip Fill-

Thursday

more Street. It’s small and looks like the kind of place that sells cheap cigarettes and bizarre pipes. The place was nothing like the closest thing I have to a religion, the music of John Coltrane. A Love Supreme, Impressions, and Giant Steps are in my mind equal in power and majesty to the Gothic cathedrals of medieval times. If you can’t build a church that compares with this music, then do not build anything at all. Let the music be the house of worship. Anyway, tonight the local and very productive jazz drummer Matt Jorgensen celebrates with friends the birthday of a man who really was an American saint, John Coltrane. CHARLES MUDEDE

Dirtnap Showcase: Marked Men, Bad Sports, White Wires, Sonic Avenues, Mind Spiders, Low Culture, Big Eyes (Highline) The Marked Men’s third album, Fix My Brain, was released to little fanfare back in 2006. There was no high-profile touring, no noteworthy press coverage. But in a testament to the record’s undeniable hooks and ecstatic velocity, it’s become one of those word-of-mouth albums that transcended the garage/power-pop scene. Of course, cult classics don’t attain their reputation overnight; even the equally excellent follow-up, 2009’s Ghosts, was a sleeper. Yet despite the band’s recent inactivity and low profile, Fix My Brain increasingly pops up in unlikely places—over the PA between bands at metal shows, in the background of neighborhood coffee shops, in fickle indie-rock DJs’ sets. There are plenty of reasons to be excited about tonight’s lineup, but the Marked Men’s return is undoubtedly the biggest cause for celebration.

BRIAN COOK

Wild Belle, Saint Rich, the Comettes (Crocodile) For months, I didn’t know who sang the song “Keep You,” which was featured in the film Pitch Perfect and played here and there on the radio. I assumed it was Lana Del Ray contemplating why, despite a pretty face and a nice dress, her guy would keep straying. I was wrong. The slightly whiny, psych-plus-reggae-inspired track, is by Wild Belle, a brother-and-sister duo from Chicago who serve up their music with about as much passion as a chef would hand over a slice of Velveeta cheese on a paper plate. While singer Natalie Bergman does have a lovely voice, she sounds bored by her own words. Her brother’s baritone sax solos come with a matching lack of energy. Sax solos should never lack energy! It sounds nice, but so, so tired at the same time, giving me no reason at all to presume their live show would be any more stimulating than staying home and watching their record spin in circles. MEGAN SELING

Sunday 9/22

Mistah Fab, Neema, Feezable the Germ (Nectar) See My Philosophy, page 55.

Lovers, S, Night Cadet, Eighteen Individual Eyes (Chop Suey) I know, I know—Breaking Bad is on tonight and it is the penultimate episode and you CANNOT MISS IT. I get it. But that shit will be online by tomorrow morning, and this show is such a perfect lineup that you really shouldn’t miss a single band. I wouldn’t recommend skipping Breaking Bad for just any ol’ concert. Eighteen Individual Eyes play

love songs from another galaxy; Night Cadet will have you contemplatively gazing at your shoes; S’s sad songs will turn your heart into a puddle of tears; and the headliners, Lovers, will put it back together with their space-age love songs that worm their way into your brain for days. Just remember to not look at Twitter or Facebook after the show to avoid any Breaking Bad spoilers. MEGAN SELING

Monday 9/23

Oddisee (Crocodile) See My Philosophy, page 55.

Savages (Neumos) At first listen, I wasn’t completely sold on Savages. But I may have had the setting wrong, which is to say that sometimes listening to chilly new music on a gleaming, lazy Popsicle day doesn’t quite translate correctly. But now that poor summer is on its deathbed, Savages have made for a welcome moody partner on dark walks through puddles. They’re harsh and dramatic; the vocals feel almost cruel—like a semi-wicked witch with a broken heart. While waiting for the Julie Ruin to go on at Neumos last week, I turned and asked a friend, “How do you feel about Savages?” To which the person behind us said, “Savages? We were just talking about them! That’s a must-see show, absolutely,” the friendly stranger gushed. “She sounds exactly like Siouxsie from early Siouxsie and the Banshees!” Agreed. It’s pensive and perfect for the haunted-house ride into winter. EMILY NOKES See also Stranger Suggests, page 37.

Jackson Scott, Prism Tats, Neighbors (Barboza) Asheville, North Carolina’s Jackson Scott makes intimate, gently twisted pop that’s lushly lofi—a winning paradox. On his new album for the unpredictable Fat Possum label, Melbourne, Scott sounds like the cleverest 5-year-old ever to enter a studio. Has his voice broken yet? The jury’s still out. His eerily low-lit pop songs toggle between sinister and sugary and sometimes—like on “Wish Upon”— Scott will just let the music float around the room like Eno-esque ambient ectoplasm. His deceptively simple and catchy songs could be the products of a savvy faux-naïf or an outsider-sike-pop prodigy. Whatever the case, I’m skeptical that Scott’s even old enough to get into his own 21+ show. DAVE SEGAL

Tuesday 9/24

Sly & Robbie, Michael Rose, Kore Ionz, DJ Select Matsul (Neumos) See Stranger Suggests, page 37.

BlesOne, K. Sabroso, Introcut (Lo-Fi Performance Gallery) Seattle’s BlesOne is a hiphop quadruple threat: He can break, rap, DJ, and produce. A member of hiphop mobile party unit Don’t Talk to the Cops!, Bles exudes the sort of all-around-entertainer vibes that should elevate him to least half the popularity level of Macklemore. (Plus, has Mack remixed Can’s kraut-funk klassik “Vitamin C” or R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)”? I don’t think so.) Bles is an elastic-limbed encyclopedia of hiphop’s foundational funk, and this scholar has the skills to animate that knowledge into vivid reality onstage. The Stop Biting weekly continues to rule. DAVE SEGAL

MOSHE KASHER

PUNK DRAG FREAKAGE

DRUNK OF THE WEEK …BELOW UNDERAGE…64 THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA …67 DATA BREAKER …69 POSTER OF THE WEEK …69

WED 9/18

LIVE

a 20/20 CYCLE LAKE, Elissa Ball, Your Heart Breaks 418 PUBLIC HOUSE Claudio Rochat-Felix, guests, free CHOP SUEY King Dude, Zohra Atash, Delphic Oracle, 8 pm, $10/$12 COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Hem, Dawn Landes, 8 pm, $25 COMET Them Are Us Too, Chris Davis, DJ Teen Girl Dies at Rave, DJ Ea$y Iri$, $5 a CROCODILE The Chicharones, Shelton Harris & Tyler Dopps, Kublakai, Symmetry, 8 pm, $8 EL CORAZON Reverend Deadeye, Ghostwriter, Dan Infecto, $6/$8 HIGH DIVE Varnish, Sundog, David Kosin, 8 pm, $6 HIGHLINE Vomit Assault, guests, $6

HIGHWAY 99 Dirty Rice, 8 pm, $6 a JAZZ ALLEY Jacqui Naylor,

$22.50

NECTAR The New Mastersounds, Rippin’ Chicken, $10/$15 NEPTUNE THEATER Ben Rector, Tyrone Wells, 8 pm, $17.50 a NEUMOS Dizzy Wright, Emilio Rojas, Furturistic, ILLCHRIS, 8 pm, $15/$30

NEW ORLEANS Legacy Band, Clarence Acox

OHANA Live Island Music a PARAMOUNT THEATRE Neko Case

PINK DOOR Casey MacGill & the Blue 4 Trio, 8 pm THE ROYAL ROOM The Bull Horns Sextet, Urban Folklore SEAMONSTER The Unsinkable Heavies

SHIP CANAL GRILL The Canteloupes Jazz Jam, 7:30 pm

STUDIO SEVEN One Million, Jake Wilson, Mike Jones, guests, 7 pm

SUNSET TAVERN Levator, Upstairs Downstairs, Origami Ghosts , $6

TRACTOR TAVERN Clearly Beloved Cloud Person Other Desert Cities, $6

TULA’S Lonnie Mardis, 7:30 pm, $5

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Burns, Harper, Gibson, Goodhew

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Crunk: DJ Henski, Marty Mar, Blue Eyed Soul, Bgeezy, guests

CONTOUR Rotation: Rotation Tryouts: Guests, guests, 10 pm, $5 THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests

FOUNDATION DJ Hype, guests

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1 LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

LAVA LOUNGE Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher Meister

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8

HOW TO BE A CHAMPION BEER DRINKER (AND NOT PUKE ON YOUR SHOES)

I n honor of The Stranger’s Back to School issue, here are some tips to help YOU become a world-champion chugger. (1) Fuck microbrew! If you’re at any party for more than two hours, y’need “water-beer” (Rainier, Pabst, or anything “lite”). (2) Skip the bong. Keg stands are cool, but say “no-no-no!” to the beer bong. (3) Before-and-after pizza. A beer drinker’s superfood. Thick crust and light cheese is A+. (4) You can puke if you wanna! The party’s not over, but you’re just too full. It’s okay to puke! Just watch your aim, and keep ’er neat and discreet. KELLY O

= Recommended

PONY Body 2 Body: 10 pm

Q NIGHTCLUB All Bands on Decks: Black Night

Crash, free

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade:

DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

THURS

9/19

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Stoned

Evergreen Travelers, Steve Martinelli, Victims of Eternity, Cement Season, 8 pm

BARBOZA Porcelain Raft, guests, 8 pm, $12

a BLACK LODGE Tape

Deck Mountain, QunQ, A Province of Thay, Uh Oh

Eskimo

BLUE MOON TAVERN Lily

Guilder, Peg, the Walking Faces, Tigers in the Tank, $5

CAFE RACER Earl Brooks, free

CAN CAN Vince Mira

CHOP SUEY Glitterbang, Double Duchess, Magic Mouth, 8 pm, $8/$10

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

Rare Elephant, Wes Weddell , the Molasses Theory, 8 pm, $6/$8

COMET Threefold, Moose

Portrait, Tiburon, Elbow Coulee , Seahorse , $6

CONOR BYRNE Running

Red Lights, Bluesky Miners

a CROCODILE Benefit for WA Prop 522: The Refusers, Midori & Ezra Boy, Garage Heroes, guests, 8 pm, $10/$12

DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia

DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free a EL CORAZON Neurotic

November, Words Like Daggers, guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10; Escape the Fate, Miss May I, Gemini Syndrome, 8 pm, $15/$18

a GUAYMAS CANTINA

Oleaje Flamenco, 8 pm, free

HARD ROCK CAFE The Travis Larson Band, Vividal, Resdeus , 8 pm, $5

a HEARTLAND Lori Goldston, Cock & Swan , Ionophore, Corey Brewer, 8 pm

HIGH DIVE Lorin Walker Madsen & the Hustlers, Po’ Brothers, Taxidermy Western, 6 Demon Bag 8 pm, $6

HIGHLINE Slatwall, Skullbot , Girl Guts, Death By Steamship , 9:30 pm, $6

HIGHWAY 99 Stacey Israel, 8 pm, $7

JAZZ ALLEY Eliane Elias, $28.50

LITTLE RED HEN

Jukehouse Hounds, $3

LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free

NEUMOS Marnie Stern, Katie Kate, Shelby Earl, 8 pm

PARAMOUNT THEATRE

The National, 7:30 pm, $36.75

PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm

RENDEZVOUS Kelly & Alton Fleek, Jeremy Serwer, 10 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM

Veveritse Brass Band, Orkestar Zirkonium

SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow , 9:30 pm, free

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Spontaneous Rex, Only Trio, the Patrick Fitzgerald Experience, 8 pm, $6

STUDIO SEVEN Joey Ka$h, Anthony J. Shears, Two. of.a.Kind, guests, 6:45 pm

SUNSET TAVERN Jarv Dee, Metal Chocolates, Lazer Kitty, $8

TOWN HALL Roomful of Teeth, 7:30 pm, $80/$85

TRACTOR TAVERN Sean Hayes, the Blank Tapes, 8:30 pm, $18/$20 a TRIPLE DOOR Dougie Maclean Band, 7:30 pm, $30

TULA’S Fred Hoadley’s Sonando, 7:30 pm, $10

THREEFOLD SEAHORSE

MOOSE PORTRAIT,TIBURONA, ELBOW COULEE $6

SEX W STRANGERS

GOLD WOLF GALAXY, YEVTUSHENKO, UH OH ESKIMO $7

SHENANDOAH DAVIS

TOMTEN, ANTHONIE TONNON $8

KEPI GHOULIE & THE MEAN JEANS

PLAYING GROOVIE GHOULIES

MISS CHAIN AND THE BROKEN HEELS (ITALY), BIG EYES, WOLFHAMMER3, BAD TATS, STAB ME

KILL ME $12

THE BITTER MAIN

SIOUX CITY KID , RAMBLIN YEARS $5

THE SKINS

REBEL MART, DEVILS HUNT ME DOWN, SUNDOG $6

DIMINISHED MEN

HOUND DOG TAYLOR’S HAND, UNCLE POOCH $5

EIGHTEEN INDIVIDUAL EYES

MAGPIES, WISHBEARD, GOLDEN SPACE $7 4PM MATINEE

REDWOOD PLAN

STEEL CRANES, PANAMA GOLD $6

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9TH

THE TRACTOR PRESENTS:

DEEP DARK WOODS with DANIEL ROMANO and MIKE GIACOLINO of OLD TINDER

$10 / 8:30PM DOORS / 21+

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Rik Wright, Casey MacGill, 5:30 pm, Free

THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Rob, free

BALTIC ROOM Revolution: DonnaTella Howe, Olivia LaGarce, guests

CAPITOL CLUB Citrus: DJ Skiddle

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

HAVANA Sophisticated

Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Open House: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE Rock DJs: Guests

LO-FI Noctum Caro: Guests

MOE BAR Soundsystem: DJ Panamami, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

OHANA Chill: DJ MS

PONY Billion Dollar Babies: DJ Aykut Ozen, Pretty Baby

SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Damn Son: DJ Flave, Sativa Sound System, Jameson Just, Tony Goods, $5 after 10:30 pm

THERAPY LOUNGE DUH.:

DJ Omar, guests

TRINITY Space Thursdays: Rise Over Run, DJ Christyle, Johnny Fever, DJ Nicon, Sean Majors, B Geezy, guests, free

FRI

9/20

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Skunk

Rider , PukeSnake, Weld, Crawler

a ART/NOT TERMINAL

GALLERY GoodShield Aguilar, Mignon Geli, Mike Mease, 6 pm, free

BARBOZA Kate Boy, the

Tempers , guests, 7 pm, $12

BLUE MOON TAVERN Grim Smiley, guests, $6

BOGART’S Le Shat Noir, the Heels , guests, free CAFE RACER Sheryl Wiser, free

CHOP SUEY Michael Jackson Mashup Night: Guests, $5/$10

COMET Sex with Strangers, Gold Wolf Galaxy, Yevtushenko , Uh Oh Eskimo, $7

CONOR BYRNE Bandolier , the Verb

CROCODILE Bushwick

Book Club Presents: Music

inspired by L. Frank Baum’s Wizard of Oz, 8 pm, $10 a EL CORAZON Calabrese, Angie and the Car Wrecks , Dead Bats Society, Raw Dogs, guests, 8 pm, $8/$10 FOUNDATION Angger Dimas

FUEL Enfold Stone, Red Planet Rebels, Victims of Eternity, 9:30 pm, $5 HARD ROCK CAFE Trainwreck Jesse Taylor, $10/$13

HEARTLAND Prissy Clerks, Wimps, Blooper, 8 pm

HIGH DIVE Julia Massey and the Five Finger Discount, Pocket Panda, Summer Januaries, 9:30 pm, $8

HIGHLINE Grackles, Sioux City Pete, guests, $10

HIGHWAY 99 26th Annual Rockabilly Ball: Guests

JAZZ ALLEY Eliane Elias, $28.50 THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Acoustic Punk Night: Matty & Benny, Knuck, Dos Amigos, Joshua Soap, Rev, Matt Danger, guests, free LITTLE RED HEN Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, $5 LO-FI Georgetown Orbits, the Sentiments, the Reputations, the Suppressors a MARYMOOR PARK The Lumineers, Dr. Dog, Nathaniel Rateliff, 6:30 pm, $39.50

NECTAR Winston Jarrett,

THURSDAY 9/19

Turbulence, Adrian Xavier Band, Junya Be, 8 pm, $12/$15

a NEUMOS Burgerama

Caravan of Stars Tour 2013: The Growlers, Cosmonauts, Gap Dream, Together Pangea, La Luz, guests, 6 pm, $15

PARAGON Levi Said, free

PARAMOUNT THEATRE

The National, 8 pm, $36.75

PINK DOOR The Blackberry Bushes

RE-BAR Lee Burridge, Xan Lucero, Karl Kamakahi, 10 pm

RENDEZVOUS Eternal Fair, guests, 10 pm, $8 a THE ROYAL ROOM

The Trace Generations Big Band, 40 x 40, Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Jacob Miller & the Bridge City Crooners, Annie Ford Band, Shane Tutmarc, 8 pm, $7

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Modern Relics, Purty Mouth

STUDIO SEVEN Mayhem, 8 pm, $5

SUNSET TAVERN Hounds of the Wild Hunt, Lures, Armed with Legs, 10 pm, $8

TIM’S TAVERN The Cold Ones

TRACTOR TAVERN Star Anna , Sassparilla, Mark Pickerel, 9:30 pm, $10/$15

TRIPLE DOOR Aaron Neville, 8 pm, $70/$90

TULA’S Joe Manis Trio, 7:30 pm, $15 a VERA PROJECT Islands, Bear Mountain, Hibou, 7:30 pm, $12/$13

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Jovino Santos Neto , 8 pm

WHITE RABBIT Stay Tuned , Regional Faction , Jilly Rizzo, Skullbot , $6

of KISS fm

BY BRITTNIE FULLER

TAPE DECK MOUNTAIN’S SEISMIC EMO FUZZ

“Emo-gaze” might be something you never thought you’d want to hear, but San Diego’s appropriately named Tape Deck Mountain are emo-gaze to its pleasantly tear-suppressed, whirling core. On slacker hit “Always Lie,” something is murmured about Aleister Crowley and probably girls, under a suspension of fuzz. Their upcoming LP, Sway, is inevitably ’90s-indebted, floating in dense clouds of guitars and/or feelings, and crashing with seismic sincerity at its moodiest. On tour with LA-based band QunQ, whose muscular math rock should also suffice for those daydreaming of dungarees. With A Province of Thay and Uh Oh Eskimo Black Lodge, 9 pm.

THURSDAY 9/19

AND SATURDAY 9/21

COCK & SWAN’S POP DREAM-SPELLS

If you like to absorb sound in lush, intoxicating dream-spells, Seattle electronic pop duo Cock & Swan are certainly worth keeping an ear out for. On their latest album, Secret Angles (out September 10 on Hush Hush), melodies linger in a nebulous state of consciousness, analog synthesizers palpitating ears with irregularity. Ola Hungerford’s icy, tinglespurring vocals rekindle eerie greats like Lætitia Sadier and the late Trish Keenan, and they are well matched with the album’s warmly frozen vibes. In an evening promising even more experimental delights, Ionophore’s dark, new-agey

phosphorescence should win over those seeking chilled-down atmospheres. With humanoid cries emerging from fogged, bliss-toned fractals, the San Francisco group’s “neo-classical noise” should spike serotonin levels for lovers of ambient music. Lori Goldston’s illuminating cello magic and Corey J. Brewer’s improvised, minimal freak sounds round out the bill, but Secret Angles deserves two release shows, so also go see Cock & Swan at Cairo on Saturday. They’re playing a positively glistening bill with folk artist Benoît Honoré Pioulard, whose songs are a skeletal, lo-fi wonder. His spidery whisper confounds the senses with simplicity and disorients the listener’s scale of vastness like sun-kissed frost on a towering pine. Local ambient hiphop producer IG88’s (aka Branden Clarke) ethereal beats add another layer of ice to the night. Both shows push the boundaries of aural sensation, so bring your freak flags at full mast. Thurs at Heartland, 8 pm/Sat at Cairo, 8 pm.

Our late-night [untitled] series is back and better than ever! Explore new and contemporary works — from famous groundbreaking music by Stockhausen and Crumb to world premieres by local artists — in the informal atmosphere of the Samuel & Althea Stroum Grand Lobby.

OCT 18 CAT O’NINE TAILS

Musicians of the Seattle Symphony

Join us to celebrate the 60th birthday of avant-garde American composer John Zorn with his Cat O’Nine Tails. Plus! Music by Lior Navok, Seattle composer Tony DiLorenzo and the Steve Lehman Trio, presented in partnership with Earshot Jazz Festival.

JAN 31 BLACK ANGELS

Musicians of the Seattle Symphony

Don’t miss your chance to hear Seattle Symphony musicians perform George Crumb’s diabolic Black Angels for Electric String Quartet, alongside music by Feldman, Aho and more.

MAY 16

PROFESSOR BAD TRIP

Ludovic Morlot, conductor Musicians of the Seattle Symphony Stockhausen’s Gesangder Jünglinge and Romitelli’s Professor Bad Trip, Lesson 2 headline this final [untitled] concert of the year, plus music by Messiaen, Grisly and Murail.

FRIDAY 20 SEPTEMBER

WEDNESDAY 25

SEPTEMBER

THURSDAY

Benefit for WA Proposition 522 Presents BENEFIT FOR LABELING GMOS with THE REFUSERS

Midori & Ezra Boy, Garage Heroes, Special guest Pamm Larry (The Erin Brockovich of GMOs) All Ages

The Bushwick Book Club Presents MUSIC INSPIRED BY L. FRANK BAUM’S WIZARD OF OZ BLVD Park 21+

WILD BELLE Saint Rich The Comettes All Ages

TODD BARRY: THE CROWD WORK TOUR Dax Jordan 21+ MONDAY 23

The Crocodile & ReignCity present ODDISEE Khingz Hosted by Casey Carter All Ages

Decibel Festival Proudly Presents DB FESTIVAL 2013: HYPERDUB SHOWCASE FEAT KODE9

DJ Rashad, Ikonika All Ages

Decibel Festival Proudly Presents: DB FESTIVAL 2013: RESIDENT ADVISOR SHOWCASE FEAT ACTRESS

Lapalux, Natasha Kmeto, Ghost Feet

BLUE MOON TAVERN Alex’s

Hand, Hopeless Jack and the Handsome Devil, Machine,

$6

CAFE RACER Augustus Blackheart , Basement Party, Pitschouse , Lucarne , free

a CAIRO Cock & Swan , IG88, Benoît Pioulard, 8 pm, $5

CHOP SUEY School of Rock, $10

a COMET Shenandoah Davis , Tomten, Anthonie Tonnon, $8

CONOR BYRNE Soul Senate

a CROCODILE Wild Belle, Saint Rich, the Comettes, 8 pm, $14/$16

a EL CORAZON The Vibrators, New Iron Front No Buffer, Frog Flag, 7:30 pm, $11/$14; Hunter Valentine, Girl in a Coma, Krissy Krissy, guests, 8:30 pm, $13/$15

FOUNDATION Chris Lake, Nom de Strip, Hot Mouth

HARD ROCK CAFE

SANCTION VIII , Pariah’s Revolt, All the Hellbound, Negative Inside, $7/$10

HIGH DIVE Ayo Dot, Daniel Ryan and the Players, the Monday After, 10 pm, $8

HIGHLINE Dirtnap Showcase: Marked Men, Bad Sports, White Wires, Sonic Avenues, Mind Spiders, Low Culture, Big Eyes, guests, 5 pm

HIGHWAY 99 26th Annual Rockabilly Ball: Guests

JAZZ ALLEY Eliane Elias, $28.50

JOSEPHINE Milhous, Toe Tag, Dying Off, the Aimlows, $7

LITTLE RED HEN Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, $5

LUCID Exit 22

NECTAR Lane James Band

NEPTUNE THEATER India. Arie, $35

NEUMOS Scorpion Child, Kadavar, Gypsyhawk, Wilson, Mothership, 8 pm, $12

PARAGON Solbird, free a PUYALLUP

FAIRGROUNDS Austin Mahone, Bridgit Mendler, 7 pm

QUEEN CITY GRILL Faith

Beattie, Bayly, Totusek, Guity, free

a THE ROYAL ROOM Erin

Corday, Dave Carter, Keith

Lowe, Joel Litwin, guests, Piano Royale, 6 pm

a SHOWBOX SODO Matt

Nathanson, Joshua Radin, 7:30 pm, $25/$30

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

David Johnson, Shannon Grady, Whim Grace, 8 pm, $7

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Dolly

Rottens, Palooka , To the Glorious Lonely

a STUDIO SEVEN Faus, Never Met a Deadman, Prestige, Verbara, Numbers, Oceans of Mirrors, Deathmocracy, 7 pm, $10/$15

SUNSET TAVERN Big Wheel

Stunt Show, Battleme, NighTrain, $10

TIM’S TAVERN Amberstone

TRACTOR TAVERN Bastille, Nightmare & the Cat, $16/$18

TRIPLE DOOR Aaron Neville, 8 pm, $70/$90

TULA’S John Coltrane

Birthday Celebration: Matt Jorgensen, 7:30 pm, $20

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm

THE WHITE RABBIT

Tracorum, Tip to Base, the Mystic Arrows, $6

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Warren

BALTIC ROOM Good

Saturdays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Inferno: Guests, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after

CAPITOL CLUB Get Physical: DJ Edis, DJ Paycheck, 10 pm, free

CONTOUR Europa Night: Misha Grin, Gil

CUFF Gear Night: DJ Mattstands, no cover if wearing fetish gear, otherwise $5 for men and $15 for women

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Hakim Murphy, Aaron Clark

HAVANA Rotating DJs:

DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

HAZLEWOOD Gayzlewood: DJ Tanner, guests, free

FRIDAY 9/20

INAUGURAL #HASHDRAGGINGS

Hellomosexuals! Our big geigh weekend begins with a brand-new bang that you ain’t done never heard of, because: (a) I ain’t done never told you about it yet (patience, ’mos, I beg you!), and (b) it ain’t done never happened before. It’s called #HashDrag, so you see where this is going. We are told that it will be in the vein of the ancient and muchmourned carnival of subversive, twisted, punk drag freakage that was known to the world as Pho Bang, and those are some pretty big cha-cha pumps to fill. #HashDrag has a mission, according to the show’s babymama, Janine Chiorazzi Pierce, and it is to “keep Capitol Hill weird and gender-bent.” (A crucial undertaking, you’ll agree.) “I have Sioux City Pete, Jackie Hell, EmpeRoar Fabulous, Ade, Gaydolf Hitler, Cherry Sur Bête… I’m also mixing up the lineup a bit to be inclusive of several sceneswithin-scenes.” Indeed, this inaugural run will feature DJs, dancing, a drag fashion runway, cabaret, burlesque, live performances, and even a little number by the Capitol Hill Synchronized Swim Team! (Yes, I guess such a thing actually exists.) Highline, 9 pm, $10, 21+.

SATURDAY 9/21

THE SECRET DIARIES OF ANITA GOODMANN

“I believe that you create reality from the inside out, and you do it with words; first the words on the inside of your mind, then

SEAMONSTER LOUNGE

LAVA LOUNGE DJ Matt

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager, Lady Jane, 6 pm, $10

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal Darkness

OHANA Funk House: DJ Bean One

PONY Meat: Amateur Youth , Dee Jay Jack

RE-BAR Ceremony: DJ Evan Blackstone, guests, 10 pm, $5

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Guest

DJs

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

SUN 9/22

LIVE BARBOZA YourYoungBody, Kelli Frances Corrado, Golden Gardens, DJ Ea$y Iri$, 8 pm, $6

CAFE RACER The Racer Sessions

CHOP SUEY Lovers, S, Night Cadet, Eighteen Individual Eyes, 8 pm, $8 a EL CORAZON Jonny Craig, William Beckett, Kyle Lucas, Hearts & Hands, Bleach Blonde, 8 pm, $13/$15

a HOLLOW EARTH RADIO Little Skull, Karnak Temples, Unknown Rockstar JAI THAI BROADWAY Rock Bottom Soundsystem, free JAZZ ALLEY Eliane Elias, $28.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Davanos, $3, guests

NECTAR Mistah Fab, Neema, $8/$12

PIES & PINTS Sunday Night Folk Review: Guests, free a PUYALLUP

FAIRGROUNDS Kid Rock, 7:30 pm THE ROYAL ROOM Cafe Racer Benefit Concert: Guests, 8 pm

The Kareem Kandi Band, 10 pm, free

SHIP CANAL GRILL Jay Thomas, Sun, noon

a SHOWBOX AT THE

MARKET Halestorm, Girl on

Fire , 7 pm, $20/$25

a SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Gardenhead, Tom Nook, Josephine Hobson, 5 pm, $5

a STUDIO SEVEN Cold Blue Rebels, Mortified Mortician, Pill Brigade, Avoid the Void, 7 pm, $12/$15

SUNSET TAVERN

Secretary , A Leaf, Warships, $6

a TRACTOR TAVERN

Paper Kites, 8 pm, $12/$15; Denison Witmer, Amy Stroup, 8 pm, $10

TULA’S Easy Street Band, 4 pm, $7; Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm, $8

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm, the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style:

DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar

CONTOUR Broken Grooves:

DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free

THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM

Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm

LAVA LOUNGE No Come Down: Jimi Crash

MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina:

Guest DJs

PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm

Q NIGHTCLUB Revival:

Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free

RE-BAR Flammable: DJ

Wesley Holmes, 9 pm

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa:

DJ Nick

THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them

with words on the outside.” So sayeth the wise and witty and big-blond-wig-blanketed brain of Anita Goodmann (Timothy Thomas), chanteuse, comedienne, and ladydude who describes him/herself as “a real life Tootsie.” And, please to note, unlike every other queen you know and love, Tim is a heterosexual. Indeed: STRAIGHT DRAG QUEEN! (Yes, I guess such a thing actually exists.) Anita first appeared as a one-off drag lark in 2006, but the persona took on a life its own, and divorces, job losses, and an identity crisis or two later, she is now a perennial and prolific performer in Seattle drag/cabaret/burlesque/comedy strip(s). This multimedia show is her autobiographical journey into all of that—“what happens when the lines between life and theater, man and woman, and fantasy and reality become blurred.” Three nights only! Re-bar, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS, 21+, Sept 20–22.

SAT SEPT 21ST @ EL CORAZON GIRL IN A COMA

KRISSY KRISSY, THE REDWOOD PLAN, FURNITURE GIRLS ALL AGES (BAR W/ ID) - 8:00 PM TICKETS @ WWW.TICKETFLY.COM, EL CORAZON BOX OFFICE & ELCORAZONSEATTLE.COM

WED SEPT 25TH @ THE VERA PROJECT ONWARD ETC W/ GUESTS ALL AGES 7:30 PM TICKETS @ TICKETFLY.COM, THEVERAPROJECT.ORG THU SEPT 26TH @ EL CORAZON TEENAGE BOTTLEROCKET / THE QUEERS

THE COPYRIGHTS, SMOKEJUMPER ALL AGES (BAR W/ ID) - 7:00 PM

TICKETS @ WWW.TICKETFLY.COM, EL CORAZON BOX OFFICE & ELCORAZONSEATTLE.COM

SUN SEPT 29TH @ EL CORAZON LOUNGE CANCER BATS / BAT SABBATH

THURSDAYS:

THE COLD ONES + GUESTS SAT SEPT 21ST KARAOKE WITH KATY FRI SEPT 27TH

JOHNSON COUNTY, CECELIA DURBIN (KENTUCKY) + GUEST SAT SEPT 28TH

FEMALE ROCK SHOWCASE W/ MRS. HOWL, BABY AND THE NOBODIES, ALLIE COY **all shows start at 9:30pm, $5 unless otherwise noted** booking@timstavernseattle.com 602 N

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 18TH

KING DUDE

AZAR SWAN // DELPHIC ORACLE

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 19TH

GLITTERBANG

NIKKI’S BIRTHDAY! DOUBLE DUCHESS // MAGIC MOUTH

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 22ND

LOVERS

(LP RELEASE) S // NIGHT CADET // XVIII INDIVIDUAL EYES

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 25T

DECIBEL FESTIVAL

PILLOWTALK // EJECTA RIFF RAFF // PAVONE

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 26TH

DECIBEL FESTIVAL

EVIAN CHRIST VESSEL // HUCERO S.

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 29TH

JARBOE

HELEN MONEY // EYE OF NIX

MARK PICKEREL & HIS PRAYING HANDS (LP RELEASE) 10/12 NICK TURNER (EX-HAWKWIND) / MASTER MUSICIANS OF BUKKAKE 10/17 MELT-BANANA 10/18 HUNX & HIS PUNX 10/21 LIMOSUINES // MONA 10/23 WIDOWSPEAK // PURE BATHING CULTURE 10/31 THE ACCUSED

MON 9/23

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Act of Sabotage, $5

BARBOZA Jackson Scott, Prism Tats, Neighbors, 7 pm, $10

COASTAL KITCHEN Pork Chop Trio, 9:30 pm, free

COMET The Bitter Main, Sioux City Kid, Ramblin’ Years, $5

a CROCODILE Oddisee, guests, 8 pm, $10

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

NEUMOS Savages, 8 pm, $15

NEW ORLEANS The New Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm

TRACTOR TAVERN the Tallboys , 7:30 pm, $5

TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Free Funk Union, free, Allen Toussaint, 7 pm, $25

TULA’S Cascadia Big Band, 7:30 pm, $5

THE WHITE RABBIT

Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate Sound, $5

BARBOZA Minted: Icon Mondays: Sean Majors, guests, free, DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free

CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set: DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof

COMPANY BAR Rock and Roll Chess Night: DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free

CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free

HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ Jay Battle, free

THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free

LAVA LOUNGE Psych/Blues: Bobby Malvestuto

LO-FI Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate, Sound Selecta, Element, Mista Chatman , $5

THE MIX Bring Your Own Vinyl Night: Guests, 6 pm

MOE BAR Minted Mondays: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free NEIGHBOURS

UNDERGROUND SIN: DJ Keanu, 18+, free

OHANA DJ Hideki

PONY Dirty Deeds: Guest DJs

Q NIGHTCLUB Reflect, 8 pm, free

TUES 9/24

LIVE COMET The Skins, Rebel Mart, Devils Hunt Me Down, Sundog, $6

CONOR BYRNE Ol’ Time

Social: The Tallboys , 9 pm

EL CORAZON The Triple Sixes, guests, 8:30 pm, $6/$10

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Monktail Creative Music Concern, DJ Shonuph, free HIGH DIVE The Whywolves, Thrashers Corner, Hellbelly, 8 pm, $6

HIGHLINE Esoteric, Saturnalia Temple, Velnias, Anhedonist a JAZZ ALLEY Phronesis, $20.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Roy Kay Trio

LO-FI BlesOne, K. Sabroso, Introcut, $5

MAC’S TRIANGLE PUB Open Mic: free a MARYMOOR PARK Further featuring Phil Lesh and Bob Weir

THE MIX Jazz Night: Don Mock, Steve Kim, Jacques Willis, 8 pm

NEUMOS Michael Rose, Sly & Robbie, Kore Ionz, DJ Select Matsul, 8 pm, $30

PINK DOOR Michel Navedo, 8 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM Blues To Do: Guests

SEAMONSTER McTuff Trio, 10 pm, free

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE More America

a STUDIO SEVEN Otep, Stolen Babies, New Years Day, Witchburn, Kill Closet, Stript, 6:30 pm, $14/$17

SUNSET TAVERN The MC Type, Jonny October, Corina Corina, Kathleen Jenkins, $6

TIM’S TAVERN Open Mic: Linda Lee, 8 pm

TULA’S Music Works Big Band, 7:30 pm, $5

One way to make sure your poster gets noticed is to make it as weird and disturbing as possible. Brian Noyeswatkins (of Tomten) has succeeded. I prefer to think these guys are singing a three-part harmony rather than crying out in despair, which, considering their predicament, seems more likely.

Tomten

w/Shenandoah Davis, Anthonie Tonnon, Jordan O’Jordan Sat Sept 21, Comet

DJ 95 SLIDE Chicken & Waffles: Supreme La Rock, DJ Rev, free BALTIC ROOM Drum & Bass Tuesdays: Guests BLUE MOON TAVERN Blue Moon Vinyl Revival Tuesdays: DJ Country Mike, A.D.M., guests, 8 pm, free THE EAGLE Pitstop: DJ Nark HAVANA Word Is Bond: Hoot and Howl, $3 after 11 pm

BY DAVE SEGAL

WEDNESDAY 9/18

BANKIE PHONES’S POST-POSTMODERN ELECTRO

One of these days, Seattle producer/ GIF savant Bankie Phones is going to blow up: Mark my words on a dry-erase board. Until that glorious moment when he’s headlining a Decibel Festival showcase, you can catch his post-postmodern, fun-maximizing electro jams in small venues like Pony and Electric Tea Garden—sometimes for free. Feast on the smorgasbord of hyperaware electronic mad genius at soundcloud. com/bankiephonesmortalkombat3. Chris Davis is the most mysterious member of Seattle cosmic couriers Brain Fruit, but when he does a rare live performance, it’s always on some Klaus-Schulze-goestechno level of greatness. With Bath House and Bad Motivators Pony, 8 pm, free, 21+.

THURSDAY 9/19

COCK & SWAN’S BEDROOMY DREAMSCAPES

Brittnie Fuller does a good job describing Cock & Swan in this week’s Underage column, pinpointing the Seattle duo’s “warmly frozen vibes” and spell-casting dreaminess. I would add that Cock & Swan’s new album, Secret Angles (Hush Hush Records), is wispy down-tempo electronica seemingly made in the bedroom and for the bedroom. Ola Hungerford’s

LAVA LOUNGE Metal: Doctor Jonze

MERCURY Die: Black Maru, Major Tom, $5

MOE BAR Cool.: DJ Cory Alfano, DJ Cody Votolato, free

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Vicious

Dolls: DJ Rachael, 9 pm, $5 OHANA DJ Marc Sense

WILDROSE Taco Tuesday: Guest DJs

voice is other-side-of-the-pillow cool and dulcetly deadpan, while Johnny Goss’s production possesses a cushiony rhythmic agility and night-light-glow atmospheres. Sweet dreams are made of this. With Lori Goldston, Ionophore, and Corey J. Brewer Heartland, 8 pm, all ages.

SATURDAY 9/21

CLASSIC HOUSE FROM HAKIM MURPHY AND AARON CLARK

SpaceRock Saturdays’ quality control has always been higher than typical in the realm of techno bookings in this city, and tonight’s lineup continues that hot streak. Murphy began as a footwork dancer (a highly intricate and mercurial style of dancing to accelerated electronic music that’s popular in Chicago) before taking inspiration from key Windy City house-music catalysts like Cajmere, Robert Armani, and Larry Heard. Now based in Oak Park, Illinois, Murphy purveys a technical, cerebral strain of techno and house that gets as spacey as NASA Pittsburgh’s Aaron Clark is a proven mover of masses through classic-sounding yet adventurous house tracks that reek of Murphy’s home base. Funny how the Pennsylvania guy’s more sonically Chi-town than the native, but that’s the crazy world of underground dance music for ya. With Murdoc, Ctrl_Alt_Dlt, Roddimus, and Eugene Fauntleroy Electric Tea Garden, 10 pm–5 am, $5 before 11 pm/$10 after, 21+.

DRACULA

FILM

Film Review Revue

Sex Addiction, Unsolvable Crime, and the Fastest Typist in the World

Thanks for Sharing dir. Stuart Blumberg Guild 45th

Sex addiction is one of those things. Like restless leg syndrome—it might be real, but it just sounds a little bit suspicious, doesn’t it? The new film Thanks for Sharing knows this, and it makes a point of explaining that sex addiction, like all addictions, is about control, and the thing that causes you to lose it. Early scenes feature men walking down the street, looking desperately uncomfortable while clocking every short skirt and low-cut T-shirt they see, every billboard model, every sexy bus ad. It’s kind of a revelation, actually—we all know that just about every aspect of our culture is hypersexualized. How must that feel to a man who’s powerless to resist it? One of the weird, impressive things about Thanks for Sharing is that it actually made me feel compassion for that guy, instead of wanting to hit him with my purse.

Thanks for Sharing is about a sex addict—Adam, played by the always-great Mark Ruffalo, has been “sober” for 5 years when the film begins, meaning he hasn’t masturbated and has had no extra-relationship sex. He doesn’t allow himself to watch TV or use the internet; on business trips, he asks room service

the complex and deep bonds that can develop between people in recovery programs. But it is one of those movies that makes you wish filmmakers didn’t feel so married to the notion of a “story arc.” As it builds to its (ugh, too literal) climax, it stops feeling like you’re spying on a fascinating bunch of weirdos with really interesting and well-developed problems, and more like you’re watching a reality TV show where the producers are suddenly showing their hand, forcing personality conflicts to the forefront. There’s much to appreciate here—great, funny, lived-in performances; some genuine insights about sex, addiction, and relationships; seeing Gwyneth Paltrow taken down a peg— but it’s too bad the script wanders into such formulaic territory.

ALISON

HALLETT

Prisoners

dir. Denis Villeneuve Wide release

Ito remove the flat-screen from his hotel room so he’s not tempted into a porn binge. Adam’s sponsor in Sexaholics Anonymous, played by Tim Robbins, does double time in AA. A gruff man who has fully embraced the language and lifestyle of recovery, he’s quick to drive across town to help a friend who’s struggling, but he’s at odds with his own ex-junkie son (plot point!). Rounding out the crew is Adam’s sponsee, played by Josh Gad, a creepy dude who’s in court-mandated treatment after groping a woman on the subway, and who finds redemption through a friendship with a sassy, ecstatic-dance-loving hairstylist, played with remarkable ease and naturalness by the singer Pink. (That sentence got weird.)

And then there’s Adam’s new girlfriend, Gwyneth Paltrow, whose character seems shaded with the knowledge that everyone kind of hates Gwyneth Paltrow, and that the only way we’ll accept her as a romantic lead is if we can root for her to fail. So she’s well-cast as a tightly wound type A who’s training for a triathalon and only eats food in teeny, tiny portions.

Given that the very premise evokes a raised eyebrow, Thanks for Sharing handles its subject matter with humor and sensitivity—the film is at its best when tracking the effects of addiction on interpersonal relationships, and

t takes only 30 minutes to realize that Prisoners is the kind of film that needs to be seen in the context of its director’s other work. Denis Villeneuve, a French Canadian, has directed four features prior to Prisoners. I have not seen any of these films, and while watching his new crime thriller, which represents his first collaboration with the Hollywood system (it stars Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal), I kept feeling, scene after scene, that this picture is a part of some larger cinematic vision or project. Yes, it has a Hollywood structure, as it is based on a Hollywood-friendly script, but its style is very unusual.

The plot: Two girls disappear during a Thanksgiving dinner, and their parents and the police search for them all over the woods and recession-hit town. Heading the investigation is Detective Loki (Gyllenhaal). He is dedicated to his work. He has a weird tattoo on his neck. He enters the web of this crime, which has shaken the community and exposed its dark underground of drunk priests and Walmart creeps. But the frustrating yet equally fascinating thing about Prisoners is that it uses every opportunity, in the early sequences, to produce the feeling that the solution to the crime is unknowable.

As a consequence, the father of one of the missing girls, Keller Dover (Jackman), takes matters into his own hands: He kidnaps a possible—and barely possible at that—suspect (a young man who is, to use the British expression, a bit soft in the head) and tries to torture the truth out of him. But this act of desperation

only makes matters worse. And the detective is completely lost. And the town is in the dark. This is not how you like to feel during a detective film. You want someone, usually the detective, to have a sense of direction and an eye for small details that can turn into good clues. All Loki has is a basic work ethic. As for Jackman, he’s only got anger. And although the film presents great performances and photography, you begin to wish, particularly in the third act, that a Sherlock Holmes would enter the picture and clear up the growing confusion.

CHARLES MUDEDE

Populaire

Finally, a movie that appeals to everyone: a French romantic comedy about women’s sports. It’s 1958, and the 21-year-old Rose Pamphyle yearns to escape her small French village for a modern life in town. She teaches herself to type (using that two-finger chicken-pecking technique your grandmother employs) and heads to the bustling city of Lisieux to apply for a job as a secretary. Unfortunately, the lovely Rose is a comical klutz with no talent for secretarying. Fortunately, her would-be boss is a diminutive rooster with a competitive streak, and Rose can type extraordinarily fast with her two-finger pecking. The job is hers on one condition: She must enter, and win, a regional speed-typing competition. Soon, we see Rose living and training each day in Rocky-esque montages with her trainer-boss, Louis Echard, who vows to turn her into the fastest typist in the country, no matter the cost.

Populaire’s plot never evolves beyond standard romantic-comedy fare, and even there, it stumbles when it gets too serious. But the film’s setting is charming, its dialogue is sharp and pokes fun at its own tropes (“wearing eyeglasses is indispensable” to being a good secretary, whether you need them or not, one woman counsels another), and the speed-typing competitions are as real and as riveting as any sport. (Déborah François, who plays Rose, employed a professional typing coach for six months before filming.) Consider it a tribute to the golden era of the ’50s and early women’s lib, and enjoy it for what it does best: makes you fall in love with people who fall in love in two hours or less. In glorious Technicolor!

CIENNA MADRID

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/film

LIMITED RUN

BIG SCREEN 70MM FILM FESTIVAL

See Festive, page 73. A week of humongous classics shown on 70 mm, including 2001 , Vertigo , Baraka , Lawrence of Arabia The Sound of Music, and more. Cinerama, Fri-Tues. For complete schedule and showtimes, see seattlecinerama.com.

C.O.G.

Inspired by reading The Grapes of Wrath and wanting to get his hands dirty, an overeducated white East Coast Yale grad heads out to Oregon to work in the apple orchards. Based on a David Sedaris essay from Naked, the story begins on the long-haul bus ride, where “Samuel” (his new identity) is accosted by a parade of weirdos. At the farm, he has trouble connecting with anyone and he is comically unprepared to exist in the real world. Will Samuel find happiness in the simple things instead of overanalyzing and sneering at everything? Or will he run back to his old life? Thanks to the film’s wonderful performances and entertaining dialogue, you’ll have a perfectly good (if not revelatory) time finding out. (GILLIAN ANDERSON) SIFF Film Center, Fri 6:30, 8:30 pm, Sat 2:45, 8:30 pm, Sun 2:45, 4:45, 6:45 pm.

COMMANDO

Fun fact: This delightfully ridiculous Schwarzenegger flick—about a former commando called back to action— was originally conceived as a vehicle for KISS’s Gene Simmons! King’s Hardware, Mon Sept 23 at dusk.

DICK DALE, KING OF THE SURF GUITAR

“Oh how he can pluck a string/Oh how he makes you sing/Listen, listen to the king.” Seattle Art Museum, Thurs Sept 19 at 7:30 pm.

ENTER THE DRAGON

That dead guy from Lakeview Cemetery stars in the first American martial-arts movie. Central Cinema, Fri, SunMon 7 pm.

THE FOOT FIST WAY

More or less like if the tae kwon do instructor from Napoleon Dynamite got his own movie, but was a slightly

different character and didn’t wear the America pants. Central Cinema, Sat-Mon at 9:30 pm.

FRITZ LANG CLASSICS RESTORED

New restorations of M, Metropolis, and the condensed (but still a solid four hours) Wagnerian adaptation Die Niebelungen SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri-Sun. For complete schedule and showtimes, see siff.net.

HECKLEVISION: JUSTIN BIEBER NEVER SAY NEVER Watch the J.B. “rock” doc and text cruel and hurtful comments at the screen, but remember, no matter how loud you text, Justin Bieber won’t be able to hear you. Central Cinema, Thurs Sept 19 at 8 pm.

THE HUNGER

The ‘80s vampire classic—starring Catherine Deneuve, Susan Sarandon, David Bowie, and elegantly unspoken lesbianism—returns. (LINDY WEST) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Tues Sept 24 at 9 pm.

KILL!

Calling it a samurai comedy might be an overstatement, but it’s fair to say that this 1968 film has more jokes than your average samurai movie. And a great title. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Mon Sept 23 at 7 pm.

LABYRINTH

The film that introduced the public to the yet-to-be-fullydismissed theory that David Bowie is, in fact, a Jim Henson creation. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Tues Sept 24 at 7 pm.

THE MAN WHO SAVED THE WORLD

A documentary about the man who prevented mutually assured destruction from happening in 1962. Keystone Church, Fri Sept 20 at 7 pm.

MOVIE CAT TRIVIA

The beloved movie trivia night returns. Central Cinema, Tues Sept 24 at 7 pm.

THE NEVERENDING STORY

“In the beginning, it is always dark.” Harvard Exit, Sat

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.? MORE LIKE AGENTS OF S.Q.U.I.R.T.!

As you know, nerds the world over are squirting in their Super Friends underoos over this week’s debut of Joss Whedon’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC, Tues Sept 24, 8 pm). Actually, its full name is Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which is Marvel’s way of saying, “This is OUR show, not yours—and we’re only letting you watch it because we’re nice, and we want to sell more Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. squirt-resistant underoos.” However, since Joss Whedon did all the heavy lifting on this project, I’m going to refer to this show as “Joss Whedon’s Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.,” or JWMAoSHIELD Because that’s not confusing at all. So is JWMAoSHIELD something to squirt in one’s underpants about? All squirts point to YES! Why?

SQUIRT #1: Joss Whedon! After years of unappreciated excellence—being a staff writer for Roseanne, helming the amazingly awesome Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, the incredibly terrific Firefly, and the c’mon-admit-it-not-so-great Dollhouse Whedon hit nerd superstardom with his mega box office hit The Avengers. So it’s about goddamn time that a network trusts him with a high-profile series—even if Marvel is trying to take all the credit by putting their name first. (Is I Love Television™ called “Hormel Chili’s I Love Television™”? NO, IT IS NOT! Though if Hormel Chili wants to pay me $10,000, I will gladly rename it.)

SQUIRT #2: A great cast! While Whedon’s series may revolve around science fiction and fantasy, his scripts focus on the characters

and what makes them human. So you’ll happily note some of the same lovable archetypes in JWMAoSHIELD that you saw in Buffy, Angel, and Firefly—including nerdy computer geeks, tough-as-nails women, and a terrific lead character in Clark Gregg (aka fan fave Agent Coulson). As S.H.I.E.L.D. director Nick Fury’s right-hand man, Coulson is beloved—not just because he’s an agent fighting on the side of right, but because deep inside he’s a superhero-loving, underoo-squirting geek like the rest of us. I mean, you! Not me! YOU!!!

SQUIRT #3: Humor, intrigue, and action! One reason why Whedon is head and shoulders above the rest of his action-directing contemporaries is that he’s able to successfully mix humor and face-punching violence. In JWMAoSHIELD, expect plenty of smart, self-effacing, hilarious Whedonesque quips delivered by complicated characters, stirred in with scenes of unqualified whup-ass. Plus, unlike his former series that were given little to no monetary support from their network (Cough! Fox. Cough!), ABC knows it’s got a winner on its hands, so the CG in JWMAoSHIELD won’t make you roll your eyes and squint to make it seem more believable.

Hey, that’s a lot of squirting for one show! The real trick will be if Whedon can sustain the momentum from his very enjoyable pilot into multiple episodes. Will S.H.I.E.L.D.’s superhero hunting escapades eventually turn into the recurrent “freak of the week” exploits of The X-Files which, you have to admit, hung around waaaaay too long? Or will it become another Whedon classic, forcing me to buy multiple pairs of clean underpants to wear while watching his… SQUIRT.

Goddamnit.

Sept 21 at midnight.

AN OVERSIMPLIFICATION OF HER BEAUTY

In Terence Nance’s An Oversimplification of Her Beauty, the hypnotic rhythm of the off-camera commentary, the editing, and the photography become more and more musical as the plot progresses deeper into the soul of the main character (played by the director) who is in love with a young woman, Namik Minter. Namik, however, only wants to be Terence’s friend. He sleeps with her, hangs out with her, but never reaches third base with her. Oversimplification may be the first feature film that successfully expresses a cinematic black aesthetic. Watch it and you will see what I mean. (CHARLES MUDEDE) SIFF Uptown, Mon Sept 23 at 7:30 pm.

Tons

POPULAIRE

See review, page 71. Varsity, Fri-Sun 2, 4:40, 7:10, 9:30 pm, Mon-Tues 4:40, 7:10, 9:30 pm.

ROADRACERS

Robert Rodriguez’s 1994 made-for-TV movie about a dragracing, rockabilly-loving rebel (played by David Arquette). Scarecrow Video, Mon Sept 23 at 7 pm.

SATURDAY MORNING CONFUSION

A compilation of the strangest stuff ever to warp the tube during the Saturday morning kiddie hour. Scarecrow Video, Sat Sept 21 at 8 pm.

SKETCHFEST 2013

The fifth annual SketchFest™ Seattle Film Challenge fills a whole evening at Central Cinema, where a curated collection of independent comedy films will be screened in a room where people bring booze to your table. Central Cinema, Sat Sept 21 at 7 pm.

TRUE BORN AFRICAN

A documentary about the reggae artist Winston Flames Jarrett. Scarecrow Video, Fri Sept 20 at 6 pm.

WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE

Twenty years after its original release, Lasse Halstrom’s warm and quirky family drama returns, in a commemorative screening hosted by the 20/20 Awards. Grand Illusion, Thurs Sept 19 at 6 pm.

WILD STYLE AND JAMEL SHABAZZ: STREET PHOTOGRAPHER

Two films by Charlie Ahearn: Wild Style, his classic 1983 film documenting the birth of New York’s hiphop scene, and Jamel Shabazz: Street Photographer, Ahearn’s new doc about the legendary hiphop photographer. Ahearn will be in attendance. SIFF Uptown, Thurs Sept 19 at 7:30 pm.

NOW PLAYING

BLUE JASMINE

The title character, played by Cate Blanchett, is (or was) a wealthy Manhattanite. When her ex-husband Hal (Alec Baldwin) turns out to be a Madoff-like crook, she loses everything, so she relocates to San Francisco to stay with her working-class sister Ginger (Sally Hawkins). Everyone is lying to themselves—about who they are, what they want, and what they feel they deserve. Blanchett is amazing as this supremely deluded neurotic. It’s a showy performance, and it’s refreshing to see Allen’s jangly, sometimes unpleasant protagonists channel that energy toward masking something potentially more sinister: a measure of complicity in their personal disasters. (MATT LYNCH)

IN A WORLD...

Actress Lake Bell’s directorial debut digs into the subculture of voice-over artists. Carol (Bell) is a vocal coach who wants to break into the industry. The supporting cast

includes Bell’s Childrens Hospital costars Ken Marino and Rob Corddry, as well as Tig Notaro and Demetri Martin, and Bell is a likable protagonist. The film works because In a World... evidences a genuine interest in the day-to-day work of a voice-over artist: The thing is the focus, rather than the character who is interested in the thing. It’s the difference between superficial quirk and acknowledging that the world we live in is a weird and interesting place.

(ALISON HALLETT)

THE PATIENCE STONE

In a curtained room, a young Afghan woman cares for her comatose husband. The sounds of conflict filter in from outside. She has two young daughters and no help; everyone else has fled the fighting. She talks to him, reminiscing about their relationship, her childhood, family life. “You’re listening to me for once. You never listened to me before,” she says. As time goes on, her thoughts go deeper, her confessions become more personal, and more is revealed about her arranged marriage to this much older man. She is compelled to talk, finally free to express her own thoughts and feelings. She must also grapple with day-to-day life in a war zone. It’s an interesting look at life in Afghanistan, and actress Golshifteh Farahani has an absolutely lovely face that mesmerizes. (GILLIAN ANDERSON)

TOUCHY FEELY

Stranger Genius Lynn Shelton’s newest film features her highest concentration of big stars yet—Rosemarie DeWitt, Ellen Page, Scoot McNairy, Allison Janney, and Ron Livingston—but it’s not like she’s gone Hollywood. Shelton keeps the scope small as a masseuse (DeWitt) develops an aversion to skin at the same time that her straitlaced dentist brother (Josh Pais) becomes a faith healer to the new agey crowd. The performances are all strong, but ultimately Pais steals the show with some electrifying tightly-wound physical comedy that makes a minimalist character sketch feel like a bravura performance. (PAUL CONSTANT)

THE WORLD’S END

On the surface, the apocalyptic, increasingly drunken The World’s End is a funnier, smarter Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And the movie is phenomenally, relentlessly funny. Dig a bit more, and it’s an affecting movie about how you can’t go home again, even if your crappy hometown isn’t literally besieged by mindless automatons. (ERIK HENRIKSEN)

FESTIVE

THE BIG SCREEN 70MM FILM FESTIVAL AT CINERAMA

Into a world of film festivals that are crapshoots of quality comes Cinerama’s Big Screen 70MM Film Festival, which is packed with nothing but beloved classics, all shown in 70 mm on Cinerama’s stateof-the-art screen. On the roster of this alreadyin-motion-and-continuing-for-the-next-two-weeks fest are war epics (Patton Lawrence of Arabia Spartacus), full-immersion visual trips (Baraka, 2001: A Space Odyssey), and musicals about Nazi-foiling nuns (The Sound of Music). Top of the heap: Vertigo, Alfred Hitchcock’s ever-moreesteemed mindfuck that recently knocked Citizen Kane from the top of Sight & Sound’s list of the best films ever made. (DAVID SCHMADER)

The Big Screen 70MM Film Festival continues at Cinerama through Sept 29. For full schedule, see seattlecinerama.com

NOW SHOWING 9/20-9/26

PRISONERS (R) Fri: (3:55)*, 7:00, 9:30* Sat: (1:20), (3:55)*, 7:00, 9:30* Sun: (1:20), (3:55)*, 7:00 Mon Thu: (3:55)*, 7:0 BLUE JASMINE (PG-13) Fri: (4:40), 7:10*, 10:15 Sat: (1:35)*, (4:40), 7:10*, 10:15 Sun: (1:35)*, (4:40), 7:10* Mon Thu: (4:40), 7:10*

LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER (PG-13) Fri: (4:30)*, 7:20*, 10:05* Sat: (1:45)*, (4:30)*, 7:20*, 10:05* Sun: (1:45)*, (4:30)*, 7:20* Mon: (4:30)*, 7:20* Tue: (4:30)*, 7:20*^ Wed & Thu: (4:30)*, 7:20*

503-221-8749. Call 503952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individ locs! E.O.E.

TOMMY GUN SANDWICH MASTER Evening shift, five days a week, starting at 5,including weekends. Panini grill experience helpful. Duties also include maintaining cleanliness & light dishwashing. Immediate availability. Brief cover letter and resume to info@tommygunseattle.com

CUSTOMER SERVICE

MAKE THE LIVES of others a little more wonderful! Full time house cleaners, M-F, 8am-5pm, best paid in the city. Hardworking, family-owned, local company. Join our team - Call (206)527-4290

PAID RESEARCH

ARE YOU SUICIDAL, but resisting harming yourself? We want to hear from you! The UW is recruiting participants for a study on suicide. Call 206-543-2505.

COMMUNITY FOR YOUTH, a community supported/one-on-one mentoring program needs mentors for ‘13-’14 school year. Interested in becoming a mentor? Contact us today at info@ communityforyouth.org

DO YOU LOVE automobiles? Volunteer at Lemay Americas Car Museum! For information visit our web site: www.LemayMuseum.org or email Volunteer@LeMayMuseum.org.

INTERESTED IN THE HEALTH EFFECTS OF SUGAR-SWEETENED BEVERAGES? See our web post for details. Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center

SKILLED TRADE/CRAFT

APOCALYPSE TATTOO IS looking for another tattooist. Minimum 5 years professional tattoo experience- with clientele preferred. Please email resume with photos of your works and yourself to: info@apocalypse tattoo.com.

APARTMENTS

DOWNTOWN $1,670

Beautiful studio at The Post Apartments.

Amazing accommodations and great space to live! Walking distance to anything. No first and last or any other deposits (not including pet deposit) Very pet friendly. Call or text Colby 509-939-6091

QUEEN ANNE $1,200

New 1 & 2 Bd top floor w/balcony & view .$1200-$1800 w/s/g included. Sorry no pets. Onsite laundry facilities. $600 deposit and 12 month lease. 206286-9488 or text 206-422-1909.

ART STUDIO/CREATIVE

THE ART OF small just got better. ActivSpace in West Seattle offers private work/art studios from $195.

REAL ESTATE FOR SALE

ROOMMATES

COUNSELING

ANGER

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Jeannie Ashmore Manning MA, LMHCA Please Call 770-906-5866 www.jmanningtherapy.com

“When you know who you are, you know what to do” - Shelley Hendrix

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ANGER

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CULTIVATING RESILIENCY SEPT

Cultivating Resiliency Sept 26th – Oct 17th 6:30-8:30pm This series will focus on developing skills for resiliency and tools for moving through distressing and overwhelming emotions. Cost: $150 scholarships available CEUs available Registration and information: Cristien Storm, LMHC cristienstorm@ gmail.com 206-769-3160

MASSAGE

$45HR FOR MEN 1.5-$65/2hrs$85. 18yrs professional masseur. Enjoy an unhurried, general full-body massage. Feel good. Unwind. Or blend in more focused bodywork. Loosen tight muscles, relieve muscular pain. WWW. BODYWORKMAN.COM. John Runyan LMP(#MA8718) 206.324.0682. 10am8pm. Cash/incalls only. Last-minute encouraged.

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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of Sept 18

For the Week of Sept 18

ARIES (March 21–April 19): “If Taylor Swift is going to have six breakups a year,” observed comedian Bill Maher, “she needs to write a new song entitled ‘Maybe It’s Me.’” He was referring to Swift’s habit of using her romantic misadventures to stimulate her lyric-writing creativity. With that as your prompt, Aries, I’ll ask you to do some soul-searching about your own intimacy issues. How have you contributed to the problems you’ve had in getting the love and care you want? What unconscious behaviors or conditioned responses have undermined your romantic satisfaction, and what could you do to transform them? The next eight weeks will be prime time to revolutionize your approach to relationships.

ARIES (March 21–April 19): “If Taylor Swift is going to have six breakups a year,” observed comedian Bill Maher, “she needs to write a new song entitled ‘Maybe It’s Me.’” He was referring to Swift’s habit of using her romantic misadventures to stimulate her lyric-writing creativity. With that as your prompt, Aries, I’ll ask you to do some soul-searching about your own intimacy issues. How have you contributed to the problems you’ve had in getting the love and care you want? What unconscious behaviors or conditioned responses have undermined your romantic satisfaction, and what could you do to transform them? The next eight weeks will be prime time to revolutionize your approach to relationships.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): Philosopher Alan Watts used to talk about how the whole world is wiggling all the time. Clouds, trees, sky, water, human beings: Everything’s constantly shimmying and jiggling and waggling. One of our problems, Watts said, is that we’re “always trying to straighten things out.” We feel nagging urges to deny or cover up or eliminate the wiggling. “Be orderly,” we command reality. “Be neat and composed and predictable.” But reality never obeys. It’s forever doing what it does best: flickering and fluctuating and flowing. In accordance with astrological omens, Taurus, I encourage you to rebel against any natural tendencies you might have to fight the eternal wiggle. Instead, celebrate it. Rejoice in it. Align yourself with it.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): Philosopher Alan Watts used to talk about how the whole world is wiggling all the time. Clouds, trees, sky, water, human beings: Everything’s constantly shimmying and jiggling and waggling. One of our problems, Watts said, is that we’re “always trying to straighten things out.” We feel nagging urges to deny or cover up or eliminate the wiggling. “Be orderly,” we command reality. “Be neat and composed and predictable.” But reality never obeys. It’s forever doing what it does best: flickering and fluctuating and flowing. In accordance with astrological omens, Taurus, I encourage you to rebel against any natural tendencies you might have to fight the eternal wiggle. Instead, celebrate it. Rejoice in it. Align yourself with it.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): Author Elaine Scarry defines “the basic impulse underlying education” as follows: the “willingness to continually revise one’s own location in order to place oneself in the path of beauty.” Consider making this your modus operandi in the coming weeks, Gemini. Always be on the lookout for signs that beauty is near. Do research to find out where beauty might be hiding and where beauty is ripening. Learn all you can about what kinds of conditions attract beauty, and then create those conditions. Finally, hang around people who are often surrounded by beauty. This approach will be an excellent way to further your education.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): Author Elaine Scarry defines “the basic impulse underlying education” as follows: the “willingness to continually revise one’s own location in order to place oneself in the path of beauty.” Consider making this your modus operandi in the coming weeks, Gemini. Always be on the lookout for signs that beauty is near. Do research to find out where beauty might be hiding and where beauty is ripening. Learn all you can about what kinds of conditions attract beauty, and then create those conditions. Finally, hang around people who are often surrounded by beauty. This approach will be an excellent way to further your education.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): “Life is either always a tight-rope or a feather bed. Give me the tight-rope.” So declared writer Edith Wharton. But she was an Aquarius, and more temperamentally suited to the tightrope. Many of you Cancerians, on the other hand, prefer to emphasize the feather-bed mode. I suspect

CANCER (June 21–July 22): “Life is either always a tight-rope or a feather bed. Give me the tight-rope.” So declared writer Edith Wharton. But she was an Aquarius, and more temperamentally suited to the tightrope. Many of you Cancerians, on the other hand, prefer to emphasize the feather-bed mode. I suspect

that in the next nine months, however, you will be willing and even eager to spend more time on the tightrope than is customary for you. To get primed for the excitement, I suggest you revel in some intense feather-bed action in the coming weeks. Charge up your internal batteries with an extra-special deluxe regimen of sweet self-care.

that in the next nine months, however, you will be willing and even eager to spend more time on the tightrope than is customary for you. To get primed for the excitement, I suggest you revel in some intense feather-bed action in the coming weeks. Charge up your internal batteries with an extra-special deluxe regimen of sweet self-care.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): Half of a truth is better than no truth at all, right? Wrong! If you latch on to the partially accurate story, you may stop looking for the rest of the story. And then you’re liable to make a premature decision based on insufficient data. The better alternative is to reject the partially accurate story and be willing to wait around in the dark until the complete revelation comes. That may be uncomfortable for a while. But when the full truth finally straggles in, you will be very glad you didn’t jump to unripe conclusions.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): Half of a truth is better than no truth at all, right? Wrong! If you latch on to the partially accurate story, you may stop looking for the rest of the story. And then you’re liable to make a premature decision based on insufficient data. The better alternative is to reject the partially accurate story and be willing to wait around in the dark until the complete revelation comes. That may be uncomfortable for a while. But when the full truth finally straggles in, you will be very glad you didn’t jump to unripe conclusions.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): A Chinese entrepreneur named Nin Nan dreamed up a unique way to generate capital: He sold dead mosquitoes online for a dollar apiece, advertising them as useful for scientific research and decoration. Within two days, he received 10,000 orders. Let’s make him your patron saint and role model for the next few weeks, Virgo. May he inspire you to come up with novel ways to stimulate your cash flow. The planetary omens suggest that your originality is more likely than usual to generate concrete rewards.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): A entrepreneur named Nin Nan dreamed up a unique way to generate capital: He sold dead mosquitoes online for a dollar apiece, advertising them as useful for scientific research and decoration. Within two days, he received 10,000 orders. Let’s make him your patron saint and role model for the next few weeks, Virgo. May he inspire you to come up with novel ways to stimulate your cash flow. The planetary omens suggest that your originality is more likely than usual to generate concrete rewards.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): “The most important thing is to find out what the most important thing is,” wrote Shunryu Suzuki in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind . That’s your assignment for the next three weeks. Do whatever it takes to find out beyond any doubt what the most important thing is. Meditate naked an hour a day. Go on long walks in the wildest places you know. Convene intense conversations about yourself with the people who know you best. Create and sign a contract with yourself in which you vow to identify the experience you want more than any other experience on earth. No waffling allowed, Libra. What is the single most important thing?

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): “The most important thing is to find out what the most important thing is,” wrote Shunryu Suzuki in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind . That’s your assignment for the next three weeks. Do whatever it takes to find out beyond any doubt what the most important thing is. Meditate naked an hour a day. Go on long walks in the wildest places you know. Convene intense conversations about yourself with the people who know you best. Create and sign a contract with yourself in which you vow to identify the experience you want more than any other experience on earth. No waffling allowed, Libra. What is the single most important thing?

Sometime in the next nine months, you may feel moved to embark on an adventure that will transform the way you understand reality. Maybe you will choose to make a pilgrimage to a sacred sanctuary or wander farther away from your familiar comforts than you ever have before. Right now is the possibilities. If you don’t feel ready to actually begin your quest, at least formulate a master plan for the magic moment when you will be ripe.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): Sometime in the next nine months, you may feel moved to embark on an adventure that will transform the way you understand reality. Maybe you will choose to make a pilgrimage to a sacred sanctuary or wander farther away from your familiar comforts than you ever have before. Right now is an excellent time to brainstorm about the possibilities. If you don’t feel ready to actually begin your quest, at least formulate a master plan for the magic moment when you will be ripe.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): In the indigenous culture of Hawaii, “mana” refers to a spiritual power that may abide

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): In the indigenous culture of Hawaii, “mana” refers to a spiritual power that may abide

in people, objects, and natural locations. You can acquire more of it by acting with integrity and excellence, but you might lose some of it if your actions are careless or unfocused. For instance, a healer who does a mediocre job of curing her patients could lose the mana that made her a healer in the first place. I believe that similar principles hold true for nonHawaiians. All of us have an ever-shifting relationship with the primal life force. What’s the current state of your own personal supply, Sagittarius? It’s time to make sure you’re taking full advantage of the mana you have been blessed with. Your motto: “Use it or lose it.”

in people, objects, and natural locations. You can acquire more of it by acting with integrity and excellence, but you might lose some of it if your actions are careless or unfocused. For instance, a healer who does a mediocre job of curing her patients could lose the mana that made her a healer in the first place. I believe that similar principles hold true for nonHawaiians. All of us have an ever-shifting relationship with the primal life force. What’s the current state of your own personal supply, Sagittarius? It’s time to make sure you’re taking full advantage of the mana you have been blessed with. Your motto: “Use it or lose it.”

22–Jan Have you been getting enough? I doubt it. I think you should sneak a peek into the hiding place where your insatiable cravings are stored. If you’re brave enough, also take a look at your impossible demands and your unruly obsessions and your suppressed miracles. Please note: I’m not suggesting that you immediately unleash them all; I don’t mean you should impulsively instigate an adventure that could possibly quench your ravenous yearnings. But I do believe you will benefit from becoming them. could develop a more honest relationship, which would ultimately make them more trustworthy.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): Have you been getting enough? I doubt it. I think you should sneak a peek into the hiding place where your insatiable cravings are stored. If you’re brave enough, also take a look at your impossible demands and your unruly obsessions and your suppressed miracles. Please note: I’m not suggesting that you immediately unleash them all; I don’t mean you should impulsively instigate an adventure that could possibly quench your ravenous yearnings. But I do believe you will benefit from becoming better acquainted with them. You could develop a more honest relationship, which would ultimately make them more trustworthy.

Don’t tape your thumbs to your hands and stalk around pretending to be a dinosaur. Don’t poke three holes in a large plastic garbage bag and wear it as a tunic while imagining that you are a feudal serf in a postapocalyptic, sci-fi dystopia. Don’t use a felt-tip marker to draw corporate logos on your face to show everyone what brands of consumer goods you love. To be clear: I would love you to be extravagantly creative. I hope you will use your imagination in novel ways as you have fun playing with experimental scenarios. But please exercise a modicum of discernment as you wander way outside the box. Be at least 20 percent practical.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): Don’t tape your thumbs to your hands and stalk around pretending to be a dinosaur. Don’t poke three holes in a large plastic garbage bag and wear it as a tunic while imagining that you are a feudal serf in a postapocalyptic, sci-fi dystopia. Don’t use a felt-tip marker to draw corporate logos on your face to show everyone what brands of consumer goods you love. To be clear: I would love you to be extravagantly creative. I hope you will use your imagination in novel ways as you have fun playing with experimental scenarios. But please exercise a modicum of discernment as you wander way outside the box. Be at least 20 percent practical.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces—not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces—not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now.

Homework:

Homework: Unleash an outrageous boast about how you’re going to pull off a certain feat that you’ve previously lacked the chutzpah to attempt. Testify at Freewill astrology.com.

Read bucketloads more (or place your own) online at www.thestranger.com/personals

CHARMING SMILE AT CAFE

LAGO

~7PM -you were w/someone,I was w/2 people, near front door (blonde hair). We smiled @ each otherhad already noticed you,feel guilty admitting it. You seem like someone should know. You’ll probably never see this,but the memory lingers. When: Wednesday, August 28, 2013. Where: Cafe Lago. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920006

APARTMENT VIEWING, ONLY SAW YOU

Viewed apartment 2:30, 1814 12th

Ave. After landlord described the unit, asked my questions and went to leave, thought to ask you out but didn’t want to interrupt. Hopefully you were interested too. Want to go grab coffee?

When: Saturday, September 14, 2013. Where: Capitol Hill, apartment viewing. You: Woman. Me: Man. #920005

PIKACHU I CHOOSE YOU!

Kyle in the black blazer. I thought you were throwing Pokemon-balls.. you were not. You some TMI issues. You told me you just got out of a 8 yr relationship and had brain surgery. It was still fun dancing with you When: Saturday, September 7, 2013. Where: Q lounge. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920004

RE: PINK HAIRED GIRL/ HEMPFEST

don’t know how to do these things. saw your ad. I don’t really remember what you look like, but I saw your ad. You definitely seemed nervous! Hopefully we run into each other again someday. When: Friday, August 16, 2013. Where: D Line on 65th. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920003

SAM AT HAZLEWOOD ON TUESDAY

okay, we met at hazlewood on tuesday when was waiting to meet up with my ex. you’re hella cute and I wanted to give you my number but the circumstances were...weird. let’s hang. When: Tuesday, September 10, 2013. Where: Hazlewood. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920002

MUSTACHED MAN, MY HEART’S RACING!

It’s been another incredible summer - sunsets, sleepin in, bikes, picnics, late nights, ferris wheels, and tennis. Your love for life is contagious. Around you anything is possible and everything should be tried. Let’s create, explore, build, and adventure together. When: Wednesday, July 3, 2013. Where: Greenwood. You: Man. Me: Woman. #920001

BLACK HAIR AT QFC

Saw you pass by QFC. I went in to get beer and a few minutes later, there you were. Wish we’d passed each other again. You bought Black Butte. Should have said something when saw you again... you’re beautiful When: Wednesday, September 11, 2013. Where: QFC on 15th. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919999

WORKING AT VICTROLA

You’re in flip flops and jeans, sitting near the back in Victrola. I’m right across from you in a black t shirt. And can’t tell if I’m reading this right. want to talk to you. think you’re stunning. When: Wednesday, September 11, 2013. Where: Victrola. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919998

PRINCESS OF THE PRODUCE

AISLE

You: plaid shorts, trashcan, Princess Jasmine hair, a face that could launch a thousand ships. Terminally pretty. Me: curly brown hair, big dark eyes, skinny, a grey hoodie and jeans. We locked eyes, you smiled, choked. Do over? When: Wednesday, September 11, 2013. Where: Ballard Fred Meyers. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919997

FLIP-FLOPS @ CENTRAL SALOON 9/7/13

“THE PRETTIEST WOMEN HERE”

Just before the last song I said: “You’re the prettiest women here”, you shook your head in denial. I left, returned for you, and you were gone. I really wish I had convinced you to see what I see. When: Friday, September 6, 2013. Where: Highway 99 Blues Club. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919989

BLONDE IN BOOTS, BUYING COFFEE

We both smiled at each other while standing in line at the Safeway on 15th last Friday. You are so attractive. I said ‘have a nice day’ and I hope you did. When: Friday, September 6, 2013. Where: Capitol Hill Starbuck’s Safeway. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919988

CABLE AT RADIOSHACK

I SAW U

Seatac 9/11 Blonde Male ziljanTshirt

YOU: tall male, longish blonde hair, hot Richard Branson type, green Ziljan tshirt. ME: grey tank, burgundy skirt, sandals, long dark hair, sultry emerald eyes. Seatac N gates Alaska Air 9/11. Smiled, passed each other twice! Where is my Viking?

When: Wed, Sept 11, 2013. Where: Seatac Airport Alaska Airlines N Terminal. You: Man.

Me: Woman. #920000

Woman. Me: Man. #919979

CROSSWALK, CAR, BANGS, AND BANANAS you in the crosswalk and me in my car. smiles and second and third glances. you were super cute, with great bangs, and wearing a bright blue top and black pants. want to look at each other and smile again? When: Wednesday, September 4, 2013. Where: intersection of Broadway and Pike. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919978

BUMBERSHOOT! ADVIL! (ILOVENY TSHIRT GIRL) Met

#919993 TALL GREENLAKE PCC COIN

you introduced yourself (sans names). was surprised and stand-offish, although flattered; should have chatted a minute longer. Here’s something about me: I use a laundromat, too. When: Monday, September 9, 2013. Where: Greenlake PCC. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919992

GAC ! WOOF ! Lets Steal Away And Play In The Garden And Then Go To The Beach And Kiss The Night Away Under The Full Moon When: Sunday, September 1, 2013. Where: 3rd And Virginia Waiting For The 120 Bus. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919990

SAVAGE LOVE

Noise Makers BY DAN SAVAGE

My question is one of etiquette . My lesbian wife and I live in an apartment. The noise pollution between flats can be pretty bad. Anyone who lives in the building is aware of this, and keeping noise down after certain hours is a common courtesy. I wouldn’t play loud music after a certain hour, or let doors slam, or break out the drum kit. If any of these things happen after around 11:30 p.m. on a work night, I don’t think I’d feel any qualms about going around to whoever is being inconsiderate and asking them to keep it down. But what about noisy sex? My neighbor’s girlfriend is pretty loud during sex. If the racket were being made, say, before midnight, I could bear it. It would be gross, because I think he’s slimy and he has a terrible hipster mustache, but I wouldn’t be writing to you. I’d just cope as best I could and try to fall back asleep. But what about sex at crazy o’clock? Is it okay for us to pound on the wall and ask them to keep it down? What’s your opinion?

answering” the question was the answer to the question: Yes, you fucked other people. So unless this woman is an idiot, BAROP, you don’t need to tell her. She knows.

Sleepy Lesbians Next Door

I happen to agree with Robert Lopez, Jeff Marx, and Jeff Whitty, creators of the Tony Award–winning musical Avenue Q, on the subject of apartment living, thin walls, and noisy sex: “You can be as loud as the hell you want when you’re makin’ love.” Or, in this instance, your creepy neighbor with the hipster mustache and his girlfriend can be as loud as the hell they want when they’re makin’ love. But you and your wife—their annoyed neighbors—can be as loud as the hell you want when they’re making love. You can pound on the walls, SLND, make your displeasure known, scream and yell, etc. And even if your neighbors don’t take the fucking hint and quiet the fucking the fuck down, SLND, the noise you make may bring their annoyingly loud sex to a quicker end. The females of certain species—including our own—get loud during sex, i.e., scream and yell, because it helps the males of their species climax more quickly. (Female copulatory vocalization: It is a real thing with its very own Wikipedia page. Look it up.) If his girlfriend’s vocalizations are turning your inconsiderate mustachioed hipster neighbor on, the screams of his two lesbian neighbors could push him past the point of no return.

Squicked out by the thought of giving your inconsiderate hipster neighbor an aural reacharound? Look at it this way: The quicker he comes, the quicker it’s over, and the sooner you can get back to sleep.

I was in a monogamous relationship with a woman for two years. We split up and remained platonic friends. Months later, on a drunken night, we had sex. At that point, neither of us had slept with anyone else. After we had sex that night, the sexual lion was out, and I slept with two others (using protection, of course). Now my ex-girlfriend and I may get back together, and she has asked the question: Have I slept with anyone else? So far, I have managed to avoid answering and, yes, we are currently sleeping together. Do I tell her? Blowjobs And Rights Of Privacy

The failure to immediately answer certain questions in the negative is equal to answering in the affirmative. Examples: “Are you gay?” “Did you fuck my sister?” “Is that your butt plug?” Any attempt to avoid answering these questions—issuing a nondenial denial (“Me? Gay? Why would you think that?”), requesting an unnecessary clarification (“You mean your sister?”), stalling for time (“Can we talk about this later?”)—serves as confirmation that, yes, you are gay and/or fucking the sister and/or the owner of that butt plug.

“Have you slept with anyone else?” is right up there with “Did you gay fuck my sister with that butt plug?” Your attempt to “avoid

Straight male here. I took a writing course, and some of us students created a writing group. We meet and workshop the things we’ve been working on. One of the guys in the group is gay, and a while ago, he confessed that he had very strong feelings for me. I didn’t have a problem with this, but I told him that I wasn’t into guys. The other day, he sent me an e-mail telling me there was something he wanted to discuss. We met for dinner, and he told me that despite the fact that I claimed to be straight, he felt like I had been sending him messages to indicate my interest in him. He said that this was cruel and that he felt like I was teasing him. When I asked him for examples, he told me that when we had originally been in class together, he noticed that I had started to dress like him, and that this was sometimes a way closeted men showed interest in other men. He mentioned that one week he had worn a red sweater, and the following week I had worn a red T-shirt. He also said that he felt like the stories I had been workshopping in our group were secretly about him. I admit I’m not the stereotypical straight guy—I have good taste in shoes and I like art—but I know what I’m into and who I want to get naked with. I never showed any interest in this guy, I never led him on, this entire thing has taken place purely in his head. I told him all this, and now he says he is hurt and doesn’t want to see me at the group. He suggested that we share the group, alternating meetings, but I refused. We’re both adults who should have the emotional maturity to handle this. Am I being too harsh?

Pulled Into Drama

Closeted gay men don’t use colored T-shirts to send messages to out gay men. They use Craigslist.

Look, PID, Jeffrey Dahmer—aka the Milwaukee Cannibal—ate a friend of mine. By which I mean to say: Some gay people are insane. I’m not saying you’re in danger of being drugged, raped, butchered, and eaten by this guy from your writing group. But the guy is—if your account is accurate—more than a little unpleasant and a whole lot batshit. Confide in some friends in your writing group about what’s going on and be prepared to leave the group and/or form a breakaway group if Mr. Red Sweater continues to detect clues in your wardrobe. Also: Do not spend any more time alone with this guy. Someone who would accuse you of making super-secret passes at him via red T-shirts is capable of making baseless accusations about much worse.

And finally, PID, a bonus pro tip: Writers don’t need a writers’ group to write. They just need to write.

GAY AND COUPLED AND NOT MONOGAMOUS? A Savage Love reader and sex researcher is studying “relationship satisfaction among nonmonogamous gay couples.” His research is focused on gay male couples that have sex with other men but not relationships with other men, i.e., not guys in poly relationships, just open ones. If you’re gay, coupled, and nonmonogamous but not poly, and you have a few minutes to spare for science—science!—take the survey at socialsci.com/s/ relationshipsurvey.

On the Savage Lovecast, Dan speaks with a human-rights attorney on how Chelsea Manning can expect to be treated in prison, at savagelovecast.com.

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