“Through transparent sharing, Dr. DeGarmo reveals the startling, costly, yet rewarding realities of fostering hurting children. No minced words or pious platitudes. No guilt-ridden pleas that ‘all are called.’ Instead, a moment-bymoment dependence on the Lord through prayer is key to enabling a parent to go from strength to strength. Indeed, a much-needed resource for potential foster parents as well as a comfort for struggling parents. Highly recommended for DCS workers, social workers, and adoption agencies.” — Sherrie Eldridge, author, 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish book series “Faith & Foster Care was a real ‘shot in the arm’ for me as I read it and reflected on my years as a foster parent. Reading so many real-life antidotes from others who shared many of the same experiences as my family was validation of our work, commitment, and the role our faith played in everything we did as foster parents. This is a must-read book for foster parents and other caregivers. It is honest about the challenges of fostering while speaking eloquently to the blessings it is to the foster parents, the children, and the birth parents of the children receiving foster care services. Job well done, Dr. DeGarmo, job well done.” — Irene Clements, executive director, National Foster Parent Association “Faith & Foster Care is truly an inspirational book directed toward the Christian foster parenting audience. The personal stories woven throughout the book from other foster parents make the book relatable and inspirational. Reading stories from those who have walked the faith-filled fostering journey provides a unique, profound voice to the book. The added Scripture passages help readers identify areas of the Bible that directly relate to foster care, adoption, and the call that many foster parents experience. This book is definitely ideal for those looking for a Christian-based perspective on foster parenting and a deeper, more inspirational look at how fostering impacts lives.” — Kim Hansel , editor, Fostering Families Today magazine “The Bible calls God’s people to care for widows and orphans in their distress. This book is a helpful tool to move us from talk to action. For those who are opening their hearts and homes in foster care, Dr. John DeGarmo provides a guide to navigating the difficult issues and potential challenges that arise from this kind of ministry. I recommend this book for anyone considering answering God’s call to care for these children in need.” — Daniel Darling, vice president of communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission and author of The Original Jesus
Faith & Foster Care Dr. John DeGarmo
How We Impact God’s Kingdom
Dr. John DeGarmo
BIRMINGHAM, AL ABAMA
5
New Hope ® Publishers PO Box 12065 Birmingham, AL 35202-2065 NewHopePublishers.com New Hope Publishers is a division of WMU®. ©2016 by John DeGarmo All rights reserved. First printing 2016. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. New Hope Publishers serves its authors as they express their views, which may not express the views of the publisher. Library of Congress Control Number: 2016933810 All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright© 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™ Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright© 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright© 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked (NKJV) are taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright© 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Book design: Parapalla Design Shoppe ISBN-10: 1-59669-472-6 ISBN-13: 978-1-59669-472-9 N164112 • 0516 • 2.5M1
For tiny Marquez, who brought our family hope, wonder, and love.
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. —Micah 6:8
10
Contents
Introduction by Rhonda Sciortino
13
CHAPTER 1
Called to Foster
17
CHAPTER 2
Living a Life of Faith as a Foster Parent
33
CHAPTER 3
Defending the Least of These
45
CHAPTER 4
Praying for Our Children In Foster Care
57
CHAPTER 5
Your Marriage: Partnering with God as You Care for His Children
69
CHAPTER 6
Loving Your Child’s Birth Parents
85
CHAPTER 7
Heartbreak and Loss: When Your Foster Child Leaves
99
CHAPTER 8
A Forever Family
113
CHAPTER 9
The Church and Foster Care
125
CHAPTER 10
How Faith Has Changed Foster Children
137
Scripture Verses for Foster Parents
149
Resources
155
11
I would like to thank God for His love and wisdom during my journey as a foster parent and for His guidance with this book. I would also like to thank Trish Heron for her help with the children as I wrote this book. Finally, thank you to all who contributed to this book with your personal stories. Each of you is not only an inspiration to many but also a light in the foster care world.
Introduction
My first exposure to what I would later learn had been foster care was to “go stay with” the nicest people I had ever met. That husband and wife were a wonderful couple who had lost their only child in a car accident. I don’t remember their names or what they looked like. I don’t know where they lived or anything else about them. But I vividly recall one conversation, one moment in time that changed me forever. The foster father told me that I was put here for a reason. Until then I believed that I was an accident of biology. Unwanted, unloved, “un-purposed.” Although I couldn’t have articulated it at seven or eight years old, I felt worthless and unworthy of the food I ate or the air I breathed. Suddenly, in one sentence, a person I liked and respected suggested that there was a purpose for my life. The time I spent with those people was a time of firsts. It was the first time I’d been in a clean house. The first time I’d seen a shower. It was the first time I’d seen people eat with utensils. It was the first time I’d seen sheets and pillowcases and bedspreads that matched. It was the first time I could fall asleep knowing that I was perfectly safe. It was the first time I’d had plenty to eat. And it was the first time I met Jesus. I was removed from that home because those lovely people took me to church. My atheist grandfather filed a complaint, and I never saw those people again, but the seed they planted in the brief time I was there took root. I was placed back in the custody of the abusive 13
people from whom I’d been removed, and I lived in abuse and poverty until I emancipated at age 16. But the root of faith in Christ grew, and God made arrangements for me to stumble right into the purpose for which I was born, the purpose to which that foster father had alluded many years before. Because of one brief conversation with one man, the entire trajectory of my life changed. Since 1989, I have dedicated my career to protecting the good people and organizations that help children who have been abused. And since the day I was baptized, July 4, 1976, I have done my best to fulfill the purpose for which I was born and perfectly matched, which is to help others find and fulfill God’s perfect plans for their lives. Every good thing I’ll ever do, every impactful word I’ll ever speak, and every accomplishment I’ll ever enjoy is because of those faith-filled people who took a dirty, difficult little girl into their home for a very short time. No, I did not become a foster or adoptive parent. My career has been in the insurance industry, protecting and defending those who provide care to previously abused children. In that work, I see the selfless dedication of some of the most amazing people on earth to the care of other people’s very wounded children. I call the challenge of raising children who often engage in very difficult behaviors “radical hospitality.” Foster parents, the people I call “professional parents,” are under-appreciated, underpaid, overworked, and often the subject of skepticism and even criticism related to motives for doing what they do. Family, friends, and neighbors often don’t understand. Loving a wounded child into wholeness is the most difficult, yet the most significant and rewarding, work anyone can do. Christian foster parents changed the trajectory of my life and the lives of countless others. Every good thing anyone blessed enough to have a Christian foster parent will ever do is to the credit of the foster parent who shined the light of Christ into the darkness of a wounded child’s soul. To love a broken child into wholeness is to achieve the ultimate success. Rhonda Sciortino Author of Succeed Because of What You’ve Been Through 14
CHAPTER 1
Called to Foster
he urgency in my wife’s voice was unmistakable. “John!” she called out to me, a second time. In my 14 years of marriage to my Australian bride, I had never heard such insistence in Kelly’s voice, and I found it a little troubling. “Coming,” I said back to her. I was in the kitchen preparing dinner for the six children in our home while holding our newest foster daughter in my arms, who was screaming and using her small and fragile lungs to the utmost. The four-month-old infant, named Melinda, had done nothing but scream since she first arrived the day before, along with her four-year-old brother, Donnie. The tiny, underweight child was born addicted to the drug meth, our first experience with a meth-addicted child. My previous research had taught me that babies born to mothers addicted to meth generally suffer from a number of possible symptoms. Furthermore, I also found that these babies often suffer from brain damage, respiratory problems, neurological damage, organ damage, and general poor health. Melinda’s nonstop screaming was probably due to the fact that the four month old was easily agitated, due to emotional problems, and sadly would most likely be for the rest of her life. Easily agitated. That would explain why she screamed, kicked, and fussed every waking moment. My heart had immediately broken when I found that this tiny little baby, innocent in all ways, suffered due to her biological mother’s need to take the illegal drug. Handing her 17
CHAPTER 1
over to my 11-year-old daughter, I rushed into the bathroom, hoping to discover the cause of Kelly’s distress. When I arrived in our bathroom, I found my wife sitting next to the bathtub with tears streaming down her face. “What’s wrong?” I promptly asked. During our years of marriage, and even before then during our time in the international performing group Up With People, where I first met Kelly as we traveled across the globe singing and dancing in front of thousands live and millions more on television, I had never seen her speechless before. Visibly upset, she had no words for me. Again I asked her, “What’s wrong?” As she tried to gather herself, Kelly pointed to the child’s head, whereupon she feebly said between sobs, “Look.” Peering down at the four year old’s blond hair, I was unable to see the cause of her concern. “I don’t see anything,” I replied. Parting back Donnie’s hair, my wife then repeated her earnest request: “Look.” Looking down, I saw several tiny black circular marks on our foster son’s head, marks I had not seen before, nor was certain of what they might represent. At first glance, they looked to be round burn marks, some fresh in appearance. “What are they?” I asked. “Cigarette burns,” my wife simply replied, wiping tears from her face. At this, I gasped in horror as the realization of what was before my eyes began to sink in. “Donnie, tell Mr. John how you got that booboo,” she asked the child. “That’s where my mommy put her cigarettes when I get into trouble.” He said it so matter of factly, as if it was a common occurrence, as if it was common practice for all adults when punishing their child. Startled, I then asked, “Donnie, did your mommy put cigarettes anywhere else?” God, please no, I thought to myself. “In here,” the child said, opening his mouth wide and pointing to his tongue. Bending over the tub, Kelly peered into Donnie’s mouth. Shaking her head to indicate that there were some more burn spots on his tongue as well as the roof of his mouth, my wife quietly whispered to me, “She was probably trying to hide the evidence.” Groaning in response, I could feel the anger begin to stir within me. This woman was his mother, the person who was supposed to keep him safe. This woman was the person who was supposed to protect him from anything that would harm him. How could she be so cruel? Staring 18
CALLED TO FOSTER
down at him for a moment, my feeling of anger was swept away, and instead my heart began to fill with tenderness and compassion for the young child and for what he had been through. As Kelly began to help our foster son out of the bathtub, I walked back to the kitchen to resume dinner and retrieve a screaming Melinda from my daughter. Once again, I was reminded that there are so many children who need a foster home and so few homes willing to embrace these children. Fostering is a call, and God’s call for families to take care of His children is clear throughout Scripture. To be sure, He wants families to take up His cross and look after His children in need. A few months later, I attended my foster parent association’s annual Christmas party, a time where the foster parents in my county gather together, along with our children (foster, biological, adoptive, and even some grandchildren sprinkled in there). It is a wonderful evening, with great food, fellowship, support, and even an appearance by Santa Claus with gifts for all the children. For all involved, it is a great way to spend the evening as we lift each other up in support and love. I was able to spend some time chatting with a new set of foster parents who had recently joined our association. This loving husband and wife were parents to 12 children: biological, adoptive, and foster children. I was so impressed by their selflessness and dedication to children as they devoted their lives to helping them. Twelve children! I knew how tired they must have been. Recently, my wife and I had 11 children in our own home. Three of them were biological, three were adoptive, and the remaining five were foster children, a group of siblings that desperately needed a home. Our house was indeed a busy and crazy one, with children ranging in age from 18 months to 16 years, and everything in between. My wife and I knew little rest, and I am sure that this family was in much the same situation. If truth be known, my wife and I both went to work to rest. Though her job as a massage therapist and doctor of nutrition kept my wife busy, as did my job as a media specialist and school librarian at the local high school in our small rural town of just over 2,000 people, we found the work as foster parents even more demanding. It seemed that when my wife and I both arrived home each evening, we were almost overcome by the mountains of laundry, dinner to cook for a small army, piles of dirty dishes, small children to bathe, homework 19
CHAPTER 1
with which to assist, and everything else that came along with a house full of children. Along with these tasks came trying to help our children from foster care face the daily challenges and traumas with which they struggled from the various horrors that brought them into the foster care system. By the time our heads hit our pillows late each evening, my wife and I were beyond tired, and sleep quickly overcame the both of us. While traveling across the country working with thousands of foster parents at training conferences and speaking engagements, I continue to meet many such foster parents who are working tirelessly to help children in need. Over and over again, I am inspired by their stories of dedication, unconditional love, and servanthood. The foster parents I met in Texas who only care for babies who are dying from terminal illnesses are one example. They rock these babies in a chair until they die, making sure they are loved until their last breath. Another is the single foster father in South Carolina who only looks after troubled teenage boys. Yet another is the single foster mother in West Virginia who cares for young teenage girls and their babies. These are just a few of the inspirational people I have met through the years, all dedicating their lives to helping children in need and sharing God’s love with them. I have found that society at large does not really understand or appreciate what foster care is. They do not realize what foster children go through each day nor, for that matter, what foster parents go through. Even my own friends and family members do not fully understand what my wife and I experience each day as foster parents, or really why we do it. I even have family members who question why my wife and I continue to take into our hearts and home children who are in need after all these years of sleepless nights and stressfilled days. God’s call on my life, though, is a strong one, and one that my wife and I cannot ignore, as I am sure it is for you as well. Before I was a foster parent, I had some mixed views about the foster care system. To say that I was naïve and ignorant of what foster care is would be quite the understatement. I had two views of foster care. First, foster children were troublemakers, and it was their fault they were in the system. Second, foster parents were pretty weird people. Well, I got one thing correct: the second part. I was really wrong about the first part. Foster parents are pretty weird people, and I have been a foster parent for 12 years as I write this. 20
CALLED TO FOSTER
We have to be a little weird to do what we do, don’t we? After all, foster parents dedicate their lives to serving other people by bringing into their homes and families children who are in need, children who are often troubled, and children who many times have a variety of challenges. To be sure, foster parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done, and continue to do. Perhaps this difficulty is why so few answer the call to be foster parents, as it is a job that requires a great deal of sacrifice from the parent(s) and from the rest of the family. A successful foster parent is one who provides a caring environment while a birth family works on their caseload, the court-ordered responsibilities that are required for reunification, until the child and birth parent are reunited and living together once again. Foster parents not only provide a caring environment but a safe and stable one as well. During this time, foster parents agree to carry out all functions of the birth family. These day-to-day functions include assuring that the child’s medical, nutritional, educational, and parental needs are met. Foster parents may also provide social activities for the child, such as extracurricular events after school, city and county sports, and church-related activities, to name a few. Without question, there can be much joy in being a foster parent. This joy comes from experiences like watching a child in foster care smile for the first time after years of abuse, teaching a child in foster care how to ride a bike, or sharing a foster child’s first real birthday with him after so many birthdays have been ignored in the past. As I wrote in my book The Foster Parenting Manual, “Foster parenting is hard work! . . . You will often find yourself exhausted, both mentally and physically . . . There is very little money available to help you, and you will not be reimbursed for all the money you spend on your foster child. The job will require you to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no time off. You will probably feel overworked and underappreciated. You will work with children who are probably coming from difficult and harmful environments. Some of these children will have health issues, some will come with behavioral issues, and some will struggle with learning disabilities. Many times, the children you work with will try your patience and leave you with headaches, frustrations, disappointments, and even heartbreaks. There is a reason why many people are not foster parents, as it is often too difficult. The turnover rate for foster parents in the 21
CHAPTER 1
United States is between 30 and 50 percent each year (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services 2005).” There have been those moments when I have questioned whether or not I was making a difference. There have been those times when I have grown frustrated with the system, as I have had to stand by and watch some of the children in my home go back to environments and situations that I knew were not healthy or safe. I have also seen my wife’s doubts and her desire to no longer foster as her heart has been broken numerous times as she has grown to love many children, only to see them return to homes where they were once again placed in jeopardy. It is the same for so many foster parents who have shared their stories with me. I have heard from foster parents who lose sleep each night for weeks and months on end, trying to calm and soothe a baby born addicted to crack, heroin, or meth. I have heard from foster parents who have been yelled at on a daily basis from foster teens who are so emotionally upset by their own experiences that they take it out on their foster parents. I have heard from those who have been told one day they could adopt their foster babies, only to be told another day that the baby would return instead to a biological family member the child had never met. The stories are countless, the stories are heartbreaking, and the stories are never ending. Surely, there is no earthly reason to be a foster parent. So, why do we do it? For many, like my wife Kelly and I, we are answering a call.
God’s Call Is Clear Remember Donnie? He had never known a safe parental love before coming to our home. For me and my wife, it was not only an opportunity to care for this suffering little child, but it was our responsibility as Christians to do so as well. God’s call for us to be foster parents is clear throughout Scripture as He tells us to take care of His children. Throughout this book, we will examine several verses in the Bible. First, let’s look at Matthew 25:35–36 and see how it applies to foster children: F OR I
WAS HUNGRY AN D YOU GAV E M E SOM ETHING TO EAT,
AN D YOU GAV E M E SOM ETHING TO DR INK , IN V ITED M E IN ,
I
I
WAS THIR STY
WAS A STR ANGER AN D YOU
NEEDED CLOTHES AN D YOU CLOTHE D M E ,
YOU LOOK E D A F TER M E ,
22
I
I I
WAS SICK AN D
WAS IN PR ISON AN D YOU CAM E TO V ISIT M E .
CALLED TO FOSTER
Like me, you have probably witnessed many children coming into your home as foster children who fit this description. So many children in foster care come from homes that have no food or water. In fact, a number of children come into foster care who were previously homeless, either living on the streets and depending upon themselves, or living in a hotel room with parents who had no place of their own. Far too many children arrive into foster care with a lack of proper nutrition and a healthy diet. I remember one four-year-old boy who came to live with me. His name was Scotty. Scotty had a smile that could light up the darkest room, one that was so full of joy. Scotty’s smile quickly endeared him to the members of my church, and he found a special place in their hearts. Yet all of Scotty’s teeth were rotted out due to poor nutrition. At age four! All of his teeth! The four year old was terribly underweight and could speak only two words: “me hungry!” It was Scotty’s battle cry. Everywhere the young foster child went, he would answer everyone’s greeting with “me hungry.” Three months after he came to live with us, Scotty had oral surgery and received a set of false teeth. Again, only four years of age, and yet he had been through so much trauma. The foster child and the black plastic bag are often sadly linked together. Many times foster children will arrive at a foster parent’s house with only the clothes on their backs, their only belongings. Others may come with their possessions in a black plastic bag, hastily gathered by the child’s caseworker as he or she scurried to collect the few belongings together while an anxious biological mother plead for the child to remain with her. Quite recently, I listened to a foster parent who had a group of three siblings arrive at his home with only the clothes on their backs, clothes that were not only stapled together in some places but were so infested with human and dog feces that they had to burn the clothing before the children came into their home. Can you imagine? It literally makes my skin crawl to hear such stories. And then there is the part of the verse where Jesus talks to His disciples about the sick. Children in foster care often come to our homes with a variety of illnesses—lice, scabies, and a host of other problems due to poor living conditions and neglect. Many times these children also suffer from mental health issues. These issues might include anxiety related disorders, reactive attachment disorder (RAD), anger issues, panic disorder, depression, and so forth. 23
CHAPTER 1
To be sure, there are high levels of mental health problems with children under foster care. God’s call to us is clear. He is very concerned about those who are in need and commands us to care for them. He wants us to look after those who are sick and those who have no food or water. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that we will have an easy time doing it. Nevertheless, as followers of Christ, this care is what we are called to do. God tells us in the Old Testament that we are to care for those who are fatherless. Look at what else this verse says: L EAR N
TO DO GOOD; SEEK J USTICE , COR R ECT OPPR ESSION;
BR ING J USTICE TO THE FATHER L ESS , PL EA D THE W IDOW ’ S CAUSE .
—I SAIAH 1:17 (ESV) According to The Annie E. Casey Foundation (aecf.org), there are roughly a half million children in foster care in the United States on any given day. These children are all children of God, and children who are hurting through no fault of their own. As foster parents, we can answer this call, as children are very important to Jesus. He points this importance out several times in the Bible. Jesus’ view of children is both beautiful and specific, and one that we as foster parents need to remember. Consider these statements He made: AND
HE TOOK A CHIL D AN D PUT HIM IN THE MIDST OF THEM ,
AN D TAK ING HIM IN HIS AR MS , HE SAID TO THEM ,
“W HOEV ER
R ECEI V ES ONE SUCH CHIL D IN MY NAM E R ECEI V ES M E , AN D W HOEV ER R ECEI V ES M E , R ECEI V ES NOT M E BUT HIM W HO SENT M E .”
—M AR K 9:36–37 (ESV) W HOEV ER
R ECEI V ES ONE SUCH CHIL D IN MY NAM E R ECEI V ES
M E , BUT W HOEV ER CAUSES ONE OF THESE LITTL E ONES W HO BELIEV E IN M E TO SIN , IT WOUL D BE BETTER FOR HIM TO HAV E A GR EAT MILLSTONE FAS TENED AROUN D HIS NECK AN D TO BE DROW NE D IN THE DEPTH OF THE SEA .
—M ATTHEW 18:5–6 (ESV) THEN
CHIL DR EN W ER E BROUGHT TO HIM THAT HE MIGHT LAY
HIS HAN DS ON THEM AN D PR AY. BUT
J ESUS
SAID ,
“L ET
THE
DISCIPL ES R EBUK E D THE PEOPL E ,
THE LITTL E CHIL DR EN COM E TO M E AN D
DO NOT HIN DER THEM , FOR TO SUCH BELONGS THE K INGDOM OF HEAV EN .”
24
A N D HE LAID HIS HAN DS ON THEM —M ATTHEW 19:13–15 (ESV)
AN D W ENT AWAY.
CALLED TO FOSTER
In order to understand why Christians are called to foster children in need, as well as to appreciate how the Christian faith can help foster parents, I think it is important that we look at what foster parenting is, where it came from, and understand how the system works. First, let’s start with a very short history of the foster care system in the United States.
Brief History of Foster Care If you remember your history classes back in high school, you will remember that the early 19th century saw the establishment of the middle class. It was around this time that the idea began to form and grow that early childhood was an important and separate part of human development. New theories sprang forth, including the theory that internalizing beliefs of morality and behavior shapes a child’s character. This theory was different than the colonial approach, which believed that a child’s character was developed by first breaking their wills. As you can imagine, the outcome of this new method of rearing children was pretty spectacular. The result? Children began to live longer and stay home for longer periods of time instead of being forced to enter the workforce at early ages. It was around this time that some states were required to furnish children a minimum of three months of education per year. What is interesting to note is that religious institutions and charitable organizations began opening their own orphanages as churches and the like began to answer the call to help children in need. In 1853, one man had a vision to improve the lives of children who were in desperate need of help, protection, and love. Charles Loring Brace, a stern and well-known critic of orphanages and asylums, introduced the idea of placing these children in homes rather than the traditional orphanage. (Remember the story of Oliver Twist? He was in an orphanage, and it was not so warm and caring of a place, according to the author, Mr. Charles Dickens.) Brace founded the Children’s Aid Society (CAS) later in that year. It was his vision, and that of the CAS, that children should not be placed in institutions and orphanages but homes. Furthermore, it was Brace’s personal belief that children should live in rural areas, as he was against city life. As a result, Brace endeavored to place children from urban slums into homes in the country. 25
CHAPTER 1
Ever hear of Mary Ellen Wilson? I had not either until I did some research for my doctoral dissertation. I spent a full two years simply researching the history of foster care, and I stumbled upon Miss Wilson’s name buried in the middle of a book somewhere. Mary Ellen Wilson is important to the foster care story. In 1873, Mary was a young girl, bruised, extremely skinny, and caked in dirt. She was also quite ill when a church worker found her, immediately began to care for her, and perhaps saved her life. When a New York judge became aware of the situation through neighbors of the church worker, Mary Ellen was removed from the church worker’s home and was placed into another home, another house, and another family. Mary Ellen Wilson became the first official foster child. Today’s foster care system looks much different than it did in Brace’s day. Today’s foster care is a form of placement for children who need a home or environment outside of their home of origin. There are roughly 500,000 children in foster care in the United States on any given day. Of these 500,000, 25,000, on average, exit or age out of the system each year. The average amount of time a foster child spends in the foster care system is 28.6 months, with half of all foster children being placed in another home for a year or more (DeGarmo, 2015 -Helping Foster Children in School, JKP). As a result, most of these children have not experienced a stable or nurturing environment during their early, formative years. Placement in the foster care system today takes many forms. Some children may live in a foster home with foster parents unrelated to them. Other children may live with relatives temporarily or with family members intent upon adopting the child. This practice is commonly known as kinship care and is currently growing in popularity within the foster care system. Still, other foster children may reside within groups or even an intensive form known as Treatment Foster Care, which provides therapeutic treatment services. The end goal of foster care is for reunification, or reuniting, with biological parents or other family members. Sadly, this reunification is not always possible, and many children in foster care become eligible for adoption each year.
26
CALLED TO FOSTER
Deciding to Foster In my book The Foster Parenting Manual, I shared the following information to help individuals make the decision to foster or not. Making the decision to be a foster parent is a difficult one. It takes incredible commitment, unconditional love, and patience. After you determine that you are ready to begin, there are long hours of training ahead of you before your first foster child is placed in your home and becomes part of your family. These hours of training will go a long way in helping you prepare for the many challenges that await you as a foster parent. Whether you are fostering in the United States or another country, each organization has its own set of laws and policies in regard to foster parent training. Thus, your situation will probably be different than somebody else who lives in a neighboring state. The first step is to locate your city’s child welfare agency and contact them. Perhaps you already know someone who is a foster parent, and they can help you find the correct contact information. If so, you are one step ahead. If not, the phonebook or Internet is a great way to find [local resources]. As each state is different, you will find that there are a number of different names for child welfare agencies. [You will find in the appendix of this book a list of each state’s child welfare agency and contact information.] Before contacting the agency nearest to you, it is important to determine if you qualify as a possible foster parent, as there are requirements to be met before you become certified. These include the following: AGE: Foster parents need to be at least 21 years of age in order to begin taking foster children into their homes. CH AR ACTER: Character references are necessary in many occupations, including fostering children. You must have three signed statements from individuals stating that you have strong moral character, are able to develop meaningful relationships with children, can effectively manage financially, and have sound judgement.
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FINANCES: Though you will be reimbursed for having a foster child placed in your home, the daily reimbursement fee is small and differs from state to state. Before a foster child is placed in your home, you may be asked to show that you are financially stable enough to support another child. HEALTH: Having a foster child in your house can be draining, emotionally, mentally, and physically. In order to have a child placed in your home, each member of your family must be in mental and physical health. This includes no drug or alcohol abuse. You, and each member of your household, will have to have a medical examination, and a physical report from your doctor will have to be turned in to the child welfare agency, and kept on file. M ARITAL STATUS: As each state is different, your marital status may be a factor in your certification as a foster parent. If you are married, you will have to submit a copy of your marriage certificate to the child welfare agency and kept on file. If your status should change any time you are a licensed foster parent, you will have to report this change to your agency. SUPERVISION: Foster parents are responsible for the whereabouts, care, and supervision of a foster child at all times. If you, and your fellow foster parent, are employed outside the house, plans for your foster child’s supervision must be detemined prior to bringing a foster child into your home. Your child welfare agency will require prior approval for a child’s supervision outside of your home, such as a daycare environment. TR AINING: After contacting the agency in your city, you will begin the first phase of your training, the pre-service portion. In some states, this is known as the Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting, or MAPP, while other states refer to this first training as Parent Resource for Information, Development, and Education, or PRIDE. Both of these initial training sessions concentrate on delivering information in regard to the basic requirements you will need if you choose to become a foster parent. As you begin this training, your state’s
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child welfare agency will ask you to perform two important tasks: a criminal background history and a home evaluation. BACKGROUND CHECK S: Criminal background checks are mandated by all states when becoming licensed to supervise and care for foster children in your home. Both your state’s criminal justice service and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) will need to obtain a set of fingerprints from you, as well as for each member of your household who is over the age of 18 years. Your fingerprints will be kept on file by the agency. If an arrest or conviction should appear on your background check, you will be unable to be licensed as a foster parent. HOME EVALUATION: During a home evaluation, your house will be inspected to determine if it is well maintained and clean enough for a foster child to stay in. Along with this, the child welfare agency will also determine if the house is properly heated and plumbing is in order; if there are adequate sleeping arrangements for each child; if smoke detectors are in place and working; and if all medication and cleaning equipment are safely stored away.
Recently, a foster parent by the name of Melinda wrote to me sharing why she and her husband became foster parents.
Melinda's Story My husband and I have been fostering for 12 years now. We have adopted three children and have two foster children. I believe fostering is a calling from God and not something that everyone can do. I also feel strongly that He is very saddened by hurting children and even more so by people that are able to ease their pain and don’t. I have been amazed over the years at how many times I thought I just couldn’t do it anymore, and God somehow renews me and reminds me why I do. We have two biological children, and I always knew I wanted at least four or more children. As they grew older, we didn’t have any 29
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more children, and I had a bitterness about it. I actually privately held it against my husband and God. At the same time, I had a real guilt for feeling that way because I was blessed with two beautiful children and some people have none. Looking back, it was all so clear what He had planned, but I couldn’t see it at the time. One day I was at the grocery store, and someone at the checkout commented on how tired she was after so many kids all day. We began talking, and I learned that she was a social worker for the Department of Social Services (DSS). This was all foreign to me, and I was full of questions. Our son got a job at that same grocery store bagging groceries, and after a few weeks came home with an application to be a foster parent from the cashier. We looked it over and pushed it aside, not giving it much more thought. Then it seemed everywhere I turned I was hearing or reading something about foster care. One of my biggest complaints over the years has been that people don’t know about or hear enough about foster care, but at that time in my life, foster care seemed to be everywhere and wouldn’t leave me alone. That was definitely God working on me, but I didn’t see it. He started sending these messages and wouldn’t stop until one day I realized my anger and bitterness was completely gone, and I felt completely whole and content. At that point I realized the plan was there all along for my lifelong dream of many children. That has really helped strengthen my faith to be patient and know that His plan is always best. He does have a sense of humor because sometimes I feel like He is saying to me, “You want children? I’ll give you children.” With seven of them now, I keep telling Him I’m good, but I guess that’s His decision, too. I wouldn’t change any of this, and I am really glad we didn’t have more biological children, because foster children are already here and need parents, and He has given me and my husband, Charlie, the ability to love them all the same whether biological, adopted, or foster. Somehow over 12 years, everything we have needed has fallen into place and worked out. People tell us we are a blessing to these kids when truly we are the ones being blessed. My faith has taught me that it’s not about me and that it’s better for me to hurt than for a child to hurt. When I think about the hurt God suffered for us to be saved, then I can endure this pain for Him. Life could be a lot 30
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easier for us now, and we might even have more money if we hadn’t started fostering, but I wouldn’t change anything! I know this is what we are supposed to be doing.
Amen, Melinda. Amen!
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