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WHEN WE’RE WOUNDED Starting the Journey Toward Healing

JOSEPH L. WILLIAMS

WHEN WE’RE WOUNDED Starting the Journey Toward Healing

JOSEPH L. WILLIAMS

Copyright © 2026 by Feed the Hunger. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in mechanical or electronic form without the express permission of the copyright holder. Unless otherwise noted, Scripture is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Printed in the USA.

Dedication This book is dedicated to my friend, Sam Burnette, whom God used to help me deal with my wounds.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:7–9

Table of Contents

Introduction.........................................................................1 Part One: Wounds in the Bible chapter 1 Betrayal........................................................5 chapter 2 Abandonment............................................11 chapter 3 Humiliation and Rejection.........................17 chapter 4 Abuse.........................................................23 chapter 5 Other Sources of Wounds..........................29 Part Two: Dealing with Our Wounds chapter 6 My Wounds, Your Wounds........................37 chapter 7 The First Wound........................................41 chapter 8 Wounded Again.........................................45 chapter 9 The Road to Healing..................................51 chapter 10 The Future and the Present.........................57 chapter 11 Transformation...........................................61 Conclusion.........................................................................65 There is space at the end of this book to document your story.

Introduction

e’ve all been hurt by someone—and we’ve all hurt someone. If you’re like me, you’ve actually disappointed and hurt almost everyone close to you in your life at some point. We hurt others because we are fallen. Only by God’s mercy do we escape eternal hell and instead find purpose, meaning, forgiveness, and a measure of healing in this life. We are sinners saved by God. What a gift! Still, we all carry around hurt, from fresh wounds to ugly scars. We can be wounded by a variety of people in a myriad of ways, be they a loved one, friend, or foe. Neglect, abuse, a broken home, “premature” death—the list could go on with the reasons for the wounds we carry. Many of us go through life with a metaphorical limp and are never quite the same. We try to suppress the pain or drown it out. But God calls us to deal with the pain, and so we need to continually go to Him about it. Easier said than done, right? Perhaps this is one of the reasons Jesus tells us to take up our cross daily (Luke 9:23) and why Paul reminds us that we have been crucified with Christ and no longer live (Galatians 2:20). We can’t even begin to have victory in this life until we’ve surrendered ourselves, our sins, and our wounds to Him. 1

Perhaps you’ve heard of the saying, “Hurt people hurt people.” In other words, when we are hurting on the inside, we tend to hurt others—including those we care about and who care about us. This book is not about dealing with the wounds we have given, but the wounds we have received. However, in the process of dealing with our wounds from the past, it will hopefully help us stop hurting others in the present and future. We will begin our journey by looking at a collection of stories about people who were obviously or likely wounded or traumatized in the Old and New Testaments. These stories will cover several of the most common ways that we can be wounded: betrayal, abandonment, rejection, abuse, and more. This journey will get deeply personal. To give my perspective on being wounded, I’m going to have to share about my deepest wound—and it happened twice. Then we’ll look at what the road to healing looks like. Let me give you a “trigger warning.” Some of these stories may bring up some painful memories for you. Perhaps you have gone through something similar to what you will read. Maybe you start to experience intense emotions such as anxiety, pain, panic, or shame. If this happens, let me encourage you to take a pause, breathe, pray, and reach out to someone you can trust. And, most importantly, if you are currently being abused or are in danger from yourself or others, please seek immediate help. I am not a pastor or a licensed therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. This book is not meant to solve or heal your wound. That would be overly ambitious and presumptuous on my part. Just as life is a journey, so is healing. My hope and prayer is to motivate you to begin to deal with your wound with the help of God and others.

part one wounds in the bible

1 Betrayal

f you are a follower of Christ, you are well aware of the passage frequently read at the beginning of communion that starts, “The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed . . .” (1 Corinthians 11:23–26). We will look at this betrayal later in this chapter. First, let’s consider two other stories of possible wounds caused by betrayal.

Abraham and Isaac There are several examples of bad fathers in the Old Testament. For example, Esau had to have been bitter toward his family after his dad gave the blessing reserved for the firstborn to his younger brother, Jacob (even though it was the result of deception; Genesis 27). When Jacob became a father, he provoked his other sons to jealousy by playing favorites with Joseph, who then faced one unfair setback after another (Genesis 37). And David never corrected his son Amnon for raping his half-sister (2 Samuel 13). We’ll look at all these stories soon. There were several other bad fathers. Consider for further study the following “bad dads”: Eli (1 Samuel 2), Samuel (1 Samuel 8:1–5), Ahaz (2 Kings 16:1–4), and Manasseh 5

(2 Kings 21:1–6; 2 Chronicles 33:1–6). These latter two kings sacrificed their children by fire to foreign gods. In Genesis 22, we read about how God tests Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his son Isaac. I’m not claiming Abraham was a bad father, but what he does is highly unusual. First, some context. In the Old Testament, Jews would make sacrifices to God, usually of animals or grain. These were offerings primarily to express regret for sins or to express gratitude. These acts helped them maintain a proper relationship with God. Abraham takes Isaac to the top of a mountain to make a burnt offering to God. Isaac assumes they will be sacrificing a lamb as per normal practice. We don’t have space to talk about how this event foreshadows Christ as the Lamb who would come and be slain for the sins of the world (Revelation 13:8). Our purpose today is to look at emotional woundedness. God directs Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Somehow, Abraham manages to bind his son to their wood pile and prepares to sacrifice him with a knife. This is a test from God that Abraham passes, and God provides a nearby ram trapped in a thicket to be sacrificed instead. Let me clarify again here that the primary point of this story is not about a father wound. What I am doing is pondering how much this event could have been traumatizing for Isaac. He is referred to here as a boy (verses 5, 12), which could mean he was anything from an infant—which he clearly wasn’t at this point—to being of military age. How did Abraham get Isaac on the altar? Was there a physical struggle? Did he somehow trick Isaac? Did Isaac feel betrayed? Or did he somehow miraculously comprehend what was going on and yet had faith that God would work things out? The story doesn’t give us the details about how Isaac felt and whether he was severely wounded emotionally. It is interesting to note that Abraham and Isaac walked together up the mountain of sacrifice 6

(Genesis 22:6, 8), but there is no mention of them doing so afterward (verse 19). No further conversations are recorded between the two in Scripture either. We do know that Abraham finds a wife for Isaac, leaves everything to Isaac before he dies, and is buried by Isaac after his death. But you and I both know we can continue to have relationships with people who have wounded us. I know I have. And this reality is the point. We often must go through life still having interactions with the people who have wounded us, and they are often family members. Hopefully with our situations, apologies have been offered, and forgiveness has been given even though wounding has occurred.

Esau, Jacob . . . and Rebekkah In Genesis 25, we read that twin sons are born to Isaac and Rebekah. Esau comes out first. He is a redhead and has an unusually hairy body. He becomes a skilled hunter as he grows. Jacob comes out second and grabs Esau’s heel. He likes hanging out at home as he grows up. Regardless, here is an important detail that we will revisit: “Isaac . . . loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob” (verse 28). Dad loves son #1 more. Mom loves son #2 more. That in itself probably causes some wounding! A defining event takes place in the life of these sons. Esau comes home from hunting one day and is famished. Jacob has prepared a stew, but before giving any to Esau, he asks Esau to give up his birthright as the firstborn. Being the firstborn meant you were given all the rights and privileges of the father after his death. Esau makes the rash decision to give up this right just for a meal. Fast forward to the final days of Isaac’s life in Genesis 27. Isaac is now old and blind and wrongly thinks he is going to die soon. He asks Esau to go hunt him some dinner for a special final meal. After this meal, he will give his final blessing to Esau. 7

Rebekah overhears this and gets Jacob to pose as his brother so that Isaac gives his blessing to Jacob instead of Esau. Rebekah and Jacob succeed in their ruse. Isaac gives Jacob a blessing that includes the line, “Be lord over your brothers, and may the sons of your mother bow down to you” (27:29). These words cannot be taken back or reversed. Esau returns from the hunt, prepares the meal, and brings it to Jacob to eat so that he will then receive the blessing from his dad. Isaac shares how he thought he had already given the blessing to Esau. “When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, ‘Bless me— me too, my father!’” (verse 34). The wound is setting in. Both Isaac and Esau realize they have been deceived. “Esau said to his father, ‘Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!’ Then Esau wept aloud” (verse 38). The wound gets deeper. The only “blessing” Isaac has for Esau doesn’t foretell a bright future (verses 39–40). Esau is bitter toward his brother and hopes to kill him. We’re going to stop here and talk about the wound, but not in the way you might expect. There’s no doubt that Esau was forever wounded and scarred by losing his birthright and his father’s blessing. And the descendants of Esau had it tough because of it. However, we’re going to look at Rebekah. Why? Esau’s anger is held against his brother, but their mom was the mastermind. Sometimes an accomplice helps create our wound. In this case, Rebekah favored Jacob and was willing to betray her other son. Jacob was obviously willing to betray Esau too, since he succeeded in carrying out her plan and would benefit from their trickery.

Judas, Peter, and Jesus When I was growing up, the name Benedict Arnold was synonymous with betrayal. As kids in America, we didn’t know what he 8

did other than siding with the British during the Revolutionary War (he actually fought hard for the United States for some time until he defected in 1780 and led attacks for the British). Calling someone by his name was to label them a traitor. In the Christian world, the equivalent is calling someone Judas. The Gospel accounts do not give us the circumstances of Jesus recruiting Judas to be one of His twelve disciples, so we are left to wonder about the major details of his life. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are quick to label him as the one who betrayed Jesus from the very first time they each mention his name. The signs are there that Judas couldn’t be trusted. “As keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it” (John 12:6). However, the purpose of this book is not to look at the guilty party, but at the wounded. In this case, it was Jesus. Can you imagine the heartache Jesus must have felt with Judas’ betrayal? You can if you have been hurt by someone you have poured your life into and done life with. We know that part of the conversation Jesus has with His disciples at what we call the Last Supper revolves around the soon-coming betrayal. As mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, the Apostle Paul starts his account of the Last Supper this way: “The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread . . .” (1 Corinthians 11:23). How interesting that Paul ties this sacred meal to Judas’ treachery in the same sentence. What a contrast! The way in which Judas betrays Jesus, by kissing Jesus on the cheek to show the soldiers whom to arrest, must have particularly stung Jesus. A kiss on the cheek was a common greeting in the culture of the day, whether between family members, friends, or from a disciple to a teacher. Notice also the words of this Proverb: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (27:6). Betrayal cuts to the bone. Trust is broken, perhaps irrevocably. 9

Peter’s denial of even knowing Jesus must have cut Jesus to the bone too. Peter originally exclaimed, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you” (Matthew 26:35). Yet three times he not only denied their relationship but also made an oath and called down curses on the second and third denials, respectively. Luke records that after this third denial, “The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter” (22:61). I honestly don’t know how Peter ever recovered. I’m not sure I could have ever forgiven myself. Judas certainly didn’t forgive himself. Which do you think wounded Jesus more, what Judas did or what Peter did? Has there been a moment in your life when someone you know wounded you in the form of betrayal? Christ knows what this feels like and can meet you in your pain.

2 Abandonment

o feel alone is a horrible thing. To feel that way due to abandonment is an even greater wound. Moses once felt this way: “Relent, Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants” (Psalm 90:13). So did the prophet Habakkuk: “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?” (Habakkuk 1:2). David felt like this as well: “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). We’ll look at David last, but first, let’s consider how Mary and Martha felt abandoned by Jesus in their family’s hour of need and then how one of Paul’s disciples abandoned him.

Mary, Martha, and Jesus Helplessly watching a loved one in failing health and then passing away can be traumatic. Even though the outcome might seem inevitable, the finality of death can still hit like a hammer. In the Gospel accounts, there is a family to which Jesus has a special connection. We don’t know why Martha and Mary (especially Mary) are so close to Him. Luke records an account when Jesus visits the home of Martha and her sister Mary in 11

the village of Bethany (10:38–42). While Mary sits at the feet of Jesus, He corrects Martha because she is so busy preparing for the meal that she misses the Bread of Life already in her home. It is in this same home where Jesus later has dinner in the days leading up to His crucifixion. Mary is the one who anoints Jesus’ feet with expensive perfume, foreshadowing His burial (John 12:3). It is sometime prior to this anointing that Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha, falls seriously ill. Apparently, Jesus is just as close to Lazarus as He is to the sisters because they send word to Jesus: “Lord, the one you love is sick” (John 11:3). John confirms their close relationship two verses later with the simple statement that “Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus” (verse 5). Jesus tells His disciples that Lazarus’ “sickness will not end in death,” and He delays going to Bethany for two more days. By the time Jesus arrives, it has been four days since Lazarus died. Many in the community are already mourning with the family. You can imagine the hopelessness in both Martha and Mary as they wait for Jesus to come. When He finally does, they separately tell Him that He is too late: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died” (verses 22 and 32). Jesus weeps with them, further demonstrating His love for the family. You know how this story ends. Lazarus is raised to life. You might be wondering why I included this story. Did Jesus’ arrival after Lazarus’ death wound Mary and Martha? Yes, they probably are deeply hurt and feel abandoned by Jesus, who tarries a few days before answering the call to come see His sick friend (yet their sorrow turns out to be short-lived). However, the main reason I included this story is because, like Mary and Martha, we are sometimes tempted to believe Jesus has abandoned us in the midst of our pain and hurt. 12

Paul and Demas In a devotional called Do You Know Me? I shared about Demas and other lesser-known people in the Bible. He is a co-worker in the ministry with Paul. I am bringing up Demas again today in the context of being wounded. We first hear of Demas in Colossians 4:14 as one who sends greetings with Paul to the believers in Ephesus. He is also mentioned in Philemon 24. It is important to note that both these letters are written by Paul during his first imprisonment in Rome, which is carried out as two years’ house arrest (Acts 28:30–31). Demas, among others, is with Paul during this time when much ministry is still taking place. During Paul’s second imprisonment in a Roman prison/ dungeon and with his execution imminent, he writes 2 Timothy. Only Luke is with him. The situation is much tougher, and when the going gets tough, his companions appear to start deserting him. Early in the letter, Paul shares that “everyone in the province of Asia has deserted me, including Phygelus and Hermogenes” (1:15). Later he also calls out Demas. Why would Demas do what Mark had done to Paul and Barnabas by deserting (Acts 15:38)? Did Demas later repent? We will never know because he is not mentioned again. What we do know is why he deserts Paul: “because he loved this world” (2 Timothy 4:10). Think of the contrast between the two imprisonments. The first had a lot more freedom, while the second was so bad that Paul didn’t even have an outer garment to keep him warm (2 Timothy 4:13). Demas’ actions must have been so hard on Paul in his darkest hours of imprisonment. His former fellow laborer and friend left him at the most challenging time. The word deserted can also mean abandoned or forsaken. Perhaps you were deeply wounded because someone who once 13

claimed love for you has since abandoned you. Maybe it was done by a parent, a spouse, or a friend. Jesus knows what this feels like. Both Matthew and Mark share the heartbreaking truth that the disciples desert Jesus when He is arrested (Matthew 26:56; Mark 14:50). His closest disciples had already failed in staying up with Him in the Garden of Gethsemane while He prayed. Then, they abandon Him when He needs them most. And who can forget Jesus’ words in Matthew 27:46 (quoting Psalm 22:1) as He is dying on the cross: “‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ (which means ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’).” The human nature of Jesus felt abandoned and deserted by God the Father. We know the story doesn’t end there because He died and rose again and is with the Father in heaven now. But Jesus knows what it is to feel the way you might feel.

David and God When wounding either continues or is not healed, we are most certainly tempted to feel like God is not hearing our prayers. What is He doing? Why is He taking so long to help me? David asked these questions too. There are so many notable events in David’s life, but as it pertains to abandonment, we are going to look briefly at when David is fleeing from Saul. You will recall that God has anointed David as the next king of Israel through the prophet Samuel while Saul is still king. This makes Saul incredibly angry and he seeks to kill David. At one point, David flees to the cave of Adullam, as recorded in 1 Samuel 22. Even though he is surrounded by others who are also on the run (verse 2), David feels alone and abandoned. It is around this point that David writes Psalm 13. Here are all six verses: 14

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord praise, for he has been good to me. Thankfully, David didn’t stop writing after the first four verses. He proclaims the truth that we can trust in God despite the circumstances. Deep down, David knows (and we must also remember and take comfort) that God will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5, quoting Deuteronomy 31:6). It might feel like this sometimes, but don’t believe the lie. As Christians, we know He is not going anywhere! God may appear to move slow, but His timetable is almost never ours. His ways are higher ways, and we cannot comprehend them. But we do have the choice to trust. Further, we have the Holy Spirit permanently inside us as believers. Jesus said, “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever” (John 14:16). Paul also wrote, “When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit” (Ephesians 1:13). So, don’t believe the lies from the devil making us feel abandoned in our woundedness! God is with us. Let us cry out to Him like David did in Psalm 6:2–4: 15

Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love.

3 Humiliation and Rejection

hen the topic of humiliation or rejection comes to mind, maybe you’re like me and go back to a moment in middle school or high school when you were thoroughly embarrassed or rejected by someone you thought was a friend. Hopefully, these were isolated chapters in your schooling and not a life pattern. We’re going to look at a few people in the New Testament who experienced years if not decades of wounding in the form of scorn, public ridicule, and isolation.

The Bleeding Woman Just as the Old Testament has many stories of woundedness, so does the New Testament. Today we are going to look three, starting with the woman in Mark 5:24–34. Having a mother, two sisters, a wife, a daughter, and a daughter-in-law, I am well familiar with the challenges of the monthly cycle for women. While it is nothing compared to the pains of childbirth, it is a regular nuisance in the best-case scenario. The woman in today’s story deals with it to an extreme. 17

In Mark’s account, we get a glimpse into her journey. She has been bleeding for 12 years. Stop and think about how detrimental that would be in a time without modern ways to disguise or discreetly manage her problem. Mark shares that “she had suffered a great deal”—and this was with doctors treating her! She only got worse, spending all her money in vain. However, our interest is not so much in her physical suffering but in her mental and emotional pain. To understand how we can conclude that this woman endured severe emotional trauma, we need to look at the Jewish context. For this, we turn to Leviticus 15. Jewish law requires the following: “When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening” (verse 19). Further, anything she touches becomes unclean, and anyone who touches anything she touches is unclean for the rest of the day. This is to be obeyed by even the healthiest of women. But our person of interest has a deeper problem: the bleeding continues beyond her monthly cycle. So, what does this mean for her? Verse 25 states that the woman is considered unclean for as long as this occurs. Anyone who touches her would be unclean for the rest of the day. Imagine what this means for our dear lady. She has been bleeding for 12 years. This negatively affects every area of her life. She is deemed unclean by all who know her. No one dares touch her or even be near her. In fact, they probably go out of their way to avoid her—and for over a decade! She is broke, broken, and has no one to help her. She lives as an outcast. Think of the humiliation and rejection. (The TV series The Chosen gives an interesting representation of this woman’s situation, especially of her woundedness and desperation.) Thankfully, by faith she touches the edge of Jesus’ garment and is healed. Jesus proclaims that it is through faith that she is 18

instantly better, and He tells her, “Go in peace and be freed from your suffering” (verse 34). Perhaps Jesus meant her emotional suffering as well as her physical suffering. We can hope that she found friends and a community to do life with after this. We can also have hope that God will bring healing, either in this life or the next. And we can find peace that “he heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).

The Paralyzed Man John chapter 5 shares with us the story of Jesus healing a paralytic by a pool in Jerusalem. This pool was a Jewish ritual bath filled with collected rainwater, and it was believed to have special healing powers. The people thought God would send an angel to stir the waters, and the first one into the pool would be healed. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant to our story. Due to a high infant mortality rate, the average life expectancy in the first-century Roman world was only around 30 years. One could live into their 40s and 50s if they survived infancy. This man has been an invalid for 38 years, beating the odds by living a long life but having a miserable existence in the meantime. It is safe to assume that perhaps he was either deformed at birth or paralyzed at a young age. The point is, he suffers longer than many people of his day even live. Think of how many people are also there at the pool day after day: “Here a great number of disabled people used to lie— the blind, the lame, the paralyzed” (John 5:3). Year after year, this man hopes to find healing there. However, he has no one to help him into the water when it is stirring (verse 7). He is surrounded by people yet always alone. Why do you think Jesus chooses this man to heal over everyone else? Perhaps He picks the one who has suffered the longest. Maybe he is the most hopeless. After all, he has no 19

one in his life. The humiliation of begging for daily sustenance has probably long since been forgotten, and he is left with a miserable reality. As an act of grace, Jesus heals the paralyzed man. We are left to wonder if this man truly embraces the Man who heals him because Jesus finds him again and tells him to stop sinning (verse 14). His physical body is healed but we don’t know if he experiences the true healing of salvation. Satan wants you to feel isolated like this paralyzed man; he wants you to feel alone and rejected in your woundedness. Ecclesiastes laments, “Pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” (4:10). The psalmist’s desperate pleas also come to mind: “May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry. . . . You have put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths. . . . From my youth I have suffered and been close to death; I have borne your terrors and am in despair” (88:2, 6, 15). When John the Baptist sends his disciples to see if Jesus is the prophesied Messiah, Jesus tells them, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: The blind receive sight, the lame walk . . .” (Matthew 11:4). I would argue that this list includes healing for the emotionally disabled as well.

The Woman with Five Ex-Husbands Now, we jump back a chapter to John 4 to look at the story of a Samaritan woman who meets Jesus at a well in the town of Samaria. It should be noted that Jews and Samaritans didn’t get along, and Samaritan women in particular were considered by Jews to be permanently unclean. Further, the fact that Jesus, a Jewish rabbi, was even talking to her was highly unusual. But these details are not the purpose of our study. The women of her day normally went to draw water in the cool of the evening, not at noon (Genesis 24:11). However, 20

this Samaritan woman goes in the heat of the day (John 4:6). Perhaps this woman is not welcome to join other women from the village when they are getting water. Maybe she is ostracized or just ashamed of herself (as we’re about to learn why), living in humiliation and hopelessness. Jesus strikes up a conversation with the woman and wants to tell her and her husband about the water that will last for eternity. She reveals that she is not married. “Jesus said to her, ‘You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true’” (verses 17–18). I am purely speculating, but it could be safe to assume that some or all of these marriages were not healthy ones. There likely had been abuse, neglect, or both taking place to some measure due to the culture of the day. It is also logical to conclude that her coming to get water meant these divorces left her without resources or servants. The man she is living with is probably treating her the same way as the rest. She has to do the hard work and do it alone. This woman is living a wounded life with no hope of breaking the cycle. We know this story has a happy ending. The Samaritan woman is so excited when she realizes Jesus is the Messiah that she leaves behind her water jar and tells everyone back in town what just happened. As a result, “many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony” (verse 39). Put yourself in the townspeople’s shoes. You know this woman from your neighborhood. She’s been married many times and is now living with yet another man. Every time you see her in town, you look down on her. She has been discarded by one man after another. But this time, something is very 21

different about her countenance and her speech. She has had a miraculous encounter! Isaiah 53:5 prophesies what Jesus’ death and resurrection did for us: “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” He took our sin and pain and allowed it to be nailed with Him on the cross. While this had not yet happened to Jesus when He met the Samaritan woman, her wounds were initially healed that day. She no longer had the fear or hopelessness that had gripped her life. This is the healing that every person needs.

4 Abuse

ow we come to what could arguably be the toughest form of wounding to deal with: abuse, be it verbal, physical, or both. We’re going to look at three stories from the Old Testament that cover all these scenarios. Perhaps no type of wounding besides abuse brings a stronger reaction from the wounded and those who sympathize with them. Yet, many victims are trapped in vicious cycles of abuse and don’t have the strength or willpower to break free. Manipulation and fear are some of the many tactics of the abuser. God is greater, but rescue and liberation don’t seem to come quickly enough, if at all. Let’s look at some challenging stories from the Old Testament that reveal the ugly wounds caused by abuse.

Hannah and Peninnah The first chapter of 1 Samuel tells of a man named Elkanah who has two wives, named Hannah and Peninnah. (Polygamy was not uncommon in Old Testament times even though it went against God’s plan of one man and one woman joined together in marriage; Genesis 2:24.) His first wife, Hannah, could not 23

have children, so he took a second wife, Peninnah, in hopes that she could. Elkanah shows favoritism toward Hannah. Perhaps this is why “Peninnah would taunt Hannah and make fun of her because the Lord had kept her from having children” (1 Samuel 1:6 nlt). God had not allowed her to have children up to this point. Perhaps you’ve known couples who have struggled with infertility. It can be hard to understand why God allows pain, even though we live in a fallen world with fallen bodies. This ongoing reality for Hannah reaches the level of sorrow and tears, and it goes on for years. No doubt the negative social stigma makes it worse. Elkanah tries to comfort her, saying he should mean more to her than ten sons. It doesn’t work. One day, Hannah is praying in the tabernacle (a special tent where priests made offerings to God on behalf of Israel). She is in “deep anguish . . . weeping bitterly” as she prays to the Lord (verse 10). She begs God for a son and promises that if he answers her prayer, she will give her child back to the Lord. Eli the priest sees Hannah praying and thinks she’s drunk. Once she explains herself and her problem, Eli tells her, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him” (verse 17). Indeed, the Lord does. She has a son, Samuel, who goes on to become a great prophet who selects the first two kings of Israel: Saul, then the man after God’s own heart, David. In the Old Testament era, barrenness was incorrectly viewed by the culture as a curse, a sign that God was displeased. Abraham’s wife, Sarah, struggled with it (Genesis 11:30), as did Isaac’s wife, Rebekah (Genesis 25:21). In the New Testament, Zechariah’s wife, Elizabeth, was barren for many years until she had a son who would come to be known as John the Baptist (Luke 1:7). When she became pregnant, she proclaimed, “The 24

Lord has done this for me . . . he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people” (verse 25). Psalm 127:3 states: “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.” Now back to Hannah. She was living with two wounds: her barrenness and the abuse she received from Peninnah. In Hebrew, to “taunt Hannah and make fun of her” meant Peninnah saw Hannah as a rival, so she provoked her and made her miserable. I know of a similar situation today where there were two women in the same household and one was unable to bear children for the longest time. The other did the same as Peninnah and treated her like a second-class citizen. Thankfully, the Lord decided to bless her womb, and she finally had a son. There is no indication that Hannah was being punished by God for some secret sin. Rather, God’s ways are higher (Isaiah 55:8) and are often mysterious to us, not to mention that we live in a fallen world where bad things happen (more about this later). Sometimes an explanation comes, as it did to Joseph, who we will look at in the next chapter. Many things will not be explained until heaven, so we are left to wonder— and trust the Lord nonetheless.

Nabal and Abigail Certainly, most of us have seen on television and in movies the repeated plot of a rich man who treats his wife and others poorly. There is an Old Testament story that could easily serve as the basis for this plot—the story of Nabal and Abigail. The name Nabal literally means “fool” in Hebrew (a modern translation might be “malicious idiot”) and was likely the name that the writer of 1 Samuel assigned to him based on his actions. Let’s read the beginning of their story in chapter 25: “A certain man in Maon, who had property there at Carmel, was 25

very wealthy. He had a thousand goats and three thousand sheep, which he was shearing in Carmel. His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite” (verses 2–3). Nabal refuses to reward David (the future king of Israel) and his men for protecting his land and sheep, so David declares that he is going to kill Nabal and every male in his household. Abigail rushes out to meet them and gives them food and supplies, likely preventing David from committing murder and preserving Nabal’s lineage. Let me pause here and mention that it is this very story that led my wife and I to name our daughter Abigail. This Abigail was an intelligent and beautiful woman. She is also a woman of action, and demonstrates this by going out to meet David in hopes of appeasing his anger against her husband. Finally, her quick thinking, humility, and eloquence keeps David from making a big mistake—especially considering the leader he will one day become. Unlike Abigail, who was likely in an arranged marriage and forced to marry a fool, our prayer has been that our daughter would choose God’s mate for her and marry a kind man. For the purpose of this study, we are looking at a bad marriage. Nabal is described in the NIV as “surly and mean”— specifically in his business dealings. And we certainly see how foolish he is in the story. The Hebrew word used here for “surly” can also mean harsh, stiff-necked, cruel, or fierce. It is no stretch to believe that he was like this at home as well. Later in the chapter, Nabal is described as being “in high spirits and very drunk” (verse 36). So, we are left to conclude that this is not a nice person, but one who wounds others. Nabal’s actions soon lead to his downfall, and the story ends on a more positive note for Abigail. 26

Many of you reading this have been or are still in bad marriages where wounding has and is taking place. Instead of a godly marriage centered on Christ, it is one of discord and abuse, whether emotional, physical, or both. You know what it is to feel trapped and hopeless. Don’t isolate. You need to get help—now. There is no need to read further without putting something in motion. If you are living in crisis mode, take action immediately.

Amnon and Tamar Amnon is one of King David’s sons. Tamar is one of King David’s daughters from a different mother. She is a full sister to another of David’s sons, Absalom, but a half-sister to Amnon. Tamar is beautiful and a virgin, which meant that as the daughter of the king she is totally untouchable. Her beauty drives Amnon crazy with lust. Another man in the royal court is Jonadab, a son of David’s brother Shimeah. This makes him a cousin to Amnon. After Amnon confesses his lust to Jonadab, Jonadab counsels Amnon to pretend to be sick and ask his father, David, to send Tamar to tend to him, which he does. Tamar makes Amnon bread, and he acts so sick that he wants her to feed it to him. Once she does, he then grabs her and tells her to sleep with him. She refuses and tries giving several different excuses, including a plea that they at least get married before having sexual relations. After all, Abraham married his half-sister, Sarah. Tamar was unsuccessful with this reasoning, and Amnon, “since he was stronger than she, he raped her” (2 Samuel 13:14). Afterward, and with his lust satisfied, he kicks her out of his chamber. She takes the royal robe she is wearing, “for this was the kind of garment the virgin daughters of the king wore” 27

(verse 18), and she tears it. The culture of the day incorrectly views her as no longer pure. She puts ashes on her head, which is a symbol of mourning (see Esther 4:3 for another example). Tamar goes away “weeping aloud” (verse 19). No man will want her now. King David finds out about it and is furious. Yet he does nothing about it! Absalom finds out as well, and Tamar lives out her days in his house as a “desolate woman” (verse 20). Two years later, Absalom devises a plan to get Amnon drunk and kill him, and his plan succeeds. David deeply grieves the death of his son, and Absalom stays away for three years in fear that David will come after him. We never hear about Tamar again. However, some years later Absalom has a daughter, and he names her Tamar. She is apparently beautiful like her aunt. But think of poor Tamar. Not only was she raped, but her life was forever changed for the worse. She likely lived out her days unmarried and in solitude. Moreover, there is no record of her father, King David, ever considering her well-being or caring for her. I don’t know which wound would have been worse, the rape itself or the reality that her father did nothing for her afterward. There is no happy ending to share. Throughout the centuries, there have been countless women and children who have been raped and emotionally wounded for life. I imagine you know someone who has been through this kind of trauma. Maybe you have yourself. For the believer, God will one day make all things right. However, that doesn’t mean the present life won’t be a prolonged traumatic experience.

5 Other Sources of Wounds

he list of ways we can be wounded is long, and this study is not meant to be all-inclusive. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that the Bible doesn’t tell us everything we want, but everything we need. In other words, there is much about which we wish God would give us more detail, but He shares enough about Himself to guide us through troubling times even when we’ve been wounded. In this final chapter of stories from Scripture, we will look at wounds caused by injustice, the death of a loved one(s), and a severed relationship.

Joseph and His Half-Brothers If you’re like me, you can get upset, even enraged, when justice is not served. Life is unfair and “bad” people get away with all sorts of evil and wrongdoing. We’ll come back to this concept later. It hurts when friends or family wound us. Joseph knew this all too well. Genesis 37 tells us that when Joseph works with his half-brothers and sees their misconduct, he reports it to their father, Jacob. Jacob shows outright favoritism to Joseph, and 29

this manifests in him being given the infamous “coat of many colors.” Joseph doesn’t help his reputation with his brothers after he tells them about two dreams that show them bowing down to him (verses 5–11). Little did they know it was a prophecy of what would indeed come to pass. You probably know the story well: they seize Joseph, rip off his beautiful coat, throw him in a cistern, and sell him as a slave to traders headed to Egypt. We are left to wonder how this wounded Joseph, as the account focuses on the details of Joseph’s journey rather than on his anguish. God’s plan is well underway, and Joseph is resold to Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh’s palace guard in Egypt. Genesis 39 shares how Joseph excelled under Potiphar but is also the target of Potiphar’s wife and is falsely imprisoned for attempted rape. Once again, we are left to wonder how this dishonest allegation wounded Joseph, who finds himself in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. The prison warden sees the same skill in Joseph that Potiphar did and proceeds to put Joseph in charge of everything. The charisma and competency Joseph must have shown in the midst of his woundedness would have been astounding. Joseph goes on to interpret dreams by two of Pharaoh’s officials. The dreams become reality: one is executed and the other is restored, but the latter forgets about Joseph—for two years! Are you keeping a tally of Joseph’s wounds so far? He’s been stripped, enslaved, falsely accused, and now forgotten. How could he not be severely wounded?! As for the rest of the story, through God’s leading, Joseph correctly interprets Pharaoh’s dream about an upcoming famine. For the third time, Joseph is put in charge of everything. He later reconciles with his father and brothers, and the dreams he had about them become a reality. 30

To me, Joseph is a great example of being wounded and still being used by God. As Joseph put it, “Do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you” (Genesis 45:5). Joseph understood that his pain could still be used by the Lord. There is no denying that Joseph was wounded, but in time, he learned how his life was being utilized for God’s plan and glory.

Job, God, and Satan “In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil.” This is how the book of Job begins. God then allows Satan to take away everything and nearly everyone Job cares about. Job is the wealthiest man in the land but also a believer in God—and he is about to lose everything. Satan takes it all away through four comprehensive and devastating events. Job’s 500 pairs of oxen and 500 donkeys are stolen by a raiding party, and the servants who watched them are murdered. His 7,000 sheep die in a fire along with the servants who watched them. His 3,000 camels are stolen by a separate raiding party, and the servants who watched them are murdered. Lastly, a fierce wind blows his house down and kills all his sons and daughters. “At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.’ In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing” (Job 1:20–22). Is it possible to be wounded more than this? Miraculously, Job mourns without blaming God. No doubt he is not just wounded but thoroughly and utterly broken. He looks so bad 31

physically that his friends “hardly recognize him” (2:12) and “saw how great his suffering was” (verse 13). Listen to these further words from Job on his woundedness and see if they match how you have felt or even feel now: Sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil. (3:24–26) In the process of his mourning, Job gets the bad advice from his wife and his so-called friends that he should blame God, but he doesn’t do so. Sometime later, the Lord restores everything to Job, and he is even more prosperous than before. However, we can assume that even though God gives Job and his wife more children, he is left scarred by the sudden death of all his previous children. I have always warned potential staff members when they interview to work for us that because we are serving the Lord (as all believers are regardless of occupation), Satan will often target our families more than us because it wounds and cripples us in tougher ways. And the devil is not our only enemy. Remember that we can be our own worst enemy, and all people are sinful. How God fulfills His purpose in our lives is up to Him, but it often remains a mystery to us. We will deal with the topic of bad things happening to good people in chapter 9. For now, we will dwell on Job’s spiritual perspective through his grieving. “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away” (1:21). “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” (2:10). “For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal” (5:18). Much of what happens to us in this life may not be understood until everything is revealed at the end of the age. So, we must rest in this fact when events result in what can be unfair and horrible wounds. 32

Paul and Barnabas It can easily be argued that Paul had the greatest impact of all the Apostles. We know so much about him through his own words in the New Testament. We know less about Barnabas. He is from the tribe of Levi, the tribe from which all Jewish priests come. His real name is actually Joseph, but the Apostles call him Barnabas, which means “son of encouragement” (Acts 4:36). This tells us a lot about his heart and character in the eyes of other believers. The very next verse shares how he sold a piece of land and gave the proceeds to the Apostles (verse 37). He is later described as “a good man, full of the Holy Spirit and faith, and a great number of people were brought to the Lord” (11:24). It is Barnabas who brings Saul to the Apostles in Acts 9:27 and tells them of Saul’s blinding experience with the Lord on the Damascus Road. Barnabas isn’t afraid to bring this notorious persecutor of believers before the Apostles. He later accompanies Saul (now named Paul) on his first missionary journey. They are such a spiritual force that after healing a person lame from birth, the people of the city want to proclaim them as gods: “Barnabas they called Zeus, and Paul they called Hermes because he was the chief speaker” (14:11–12). We are left to infer the high esteem in which they hold Barnabas because Zeus is the head god of the Greek pantheon and this city has a temple of Zeus nearby. One of their traveling companions on the first journey is Mark, Barnabas’ cousin (Colossians 4:10). Unfortunately, Mark abandons them in a place called Perga (Acts 13:13). When it comes time for the second missionary journey, Barnabas wants Mark to accompany them again, but Paul does not. They have “such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” (15:39). Paul chooses Silas as his traveling partner, while Barnabas chooses Mark. They head to Cyprus 33

and, sadly, we never hear Barnabas mentioned again. We know that Paul eventually reconciles with Mark (see Colossians 4:10, 2 Timothy 4:11, and Philemon 24). But we are left to wonder about Paul and Barnabas. The Greek word used here for the “sharp disagreement” means a stirring up or arousing of the emotions. It is the root of the English word paroxysm. But you probably haven’t used that word in a sentence before! It can mean a violent expression or sudden attack of a particular activity or emotion. This story should grieve us because the disagreement is between two believers God uses in a mighty way. This still happens far too often today. We can disagree with each other for a variety of reasons to the point that the relationship is severed, even permanently. Christians can wound Christians just like the rest of humanity can. Was Barnabas blind because Mark was his cousin, or was he just committed to discipling him? Was Paul being too hardnosed about Mark’s previous abandonment, or justified in his belief that Mark shouldn’t go? We will never know because reconciliation apparently never occurred in this life—but it will in the next since they’re believers. We live with our sin, our hurt, and our brokenness. And yet, even as we are living as the “walking wounded,” we can not only survive but thrive. God can greatly use us through the abilities He has given us. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). This is not to say that it is for our good that He allows us to be wounded, but that He can use everything for His purposes and glory.

part two dealing with our wounds

6 My Wounds, Your Wounds

ow that we have looked at various wounds of people in the Old and New Testaments, I want us to transition into contemplating our own wounds. Let me lay out how this is going to unfold. I am going to be transparent and vulnerable with you in the process we’re going to go through together by sharing with you my deepest wound. I do not seek to dishonor the person who wounded me, but I need to explain how I was wounded and how it happened twice. As I share my story with you, I want you to write down your own journey following a series of steps laid out for you. Over the next few chapters, we will build out our stories. This is important because to properly start dealing with our wounds, we need to first be honest with ourselves and document the reality of our journey. It will set the stage for the healing God can do in our hearts in the days to come.

Setting the Stage Like anyone who has ever lived, we are all part of the fallen 37

human race. Therefore, our lives are full and continue to be filled with countless sins. Some of these major mistakes for men occur in their role as husbands, fathers, and sons. The same can be said of women as wives, mothers, and daughters. We can mess up in a myriad of ways. We say something horrible in anger. We choose watching a show over relationships. The list of how we can mess up seems endless. Sometimes these screwups cross a line into more serious territory. In my case, the result of these choices led to a deep wound—or really two, as you will soon read. Many of us carry our wounds for years and decades. We walk around with a metaphorical hole in our hearts from where someone left us wounded and scarred. Maybe you were beaten. Maybe you were neglected. Maybe the offending party was an alcoholic, a drug addict, or was just horrible to others. Maybe they were all the above. Perhaps what made my wound more dangerous is how it has often negatively affected the relationship with my heavenly Father. For example, if we see our earthly dad or mom as distant, we might also see God as hands-off. If our father or mother was mean, maybe we view God as a cosmic killjoy ready to make our life miserable. There are defining moments in every relationship. I’m not talking only about highlights like birthdays, anniversaries, or weddings. I’m also referring to specific “lowlights” that have been caused by someone close that then carried weight in defining our relationships with others. For me, there were two such moments. As I share my story with you, I encourage you to also begin to stare your wound in the face. If at any time it becomes too traumatic, it might be best to pause and seek some professional Christian counseling. We’ll talk about how this is a good idea anyway. 38

Action Step: It is imperative that we begin this week’s journey in prayer. Pause right now and thank God for His sovereignty and His love for you. Thank Him for one day making all things right. Ask for His help in dealing with your wound, so that it no longer has power over you. Write down this prayer in the space provided in back of this book.

The Family Tree Now that you’ve laid the initial spiritual groundwork for this journey, let’s look at plowing some more ground. I have always been fascinated by genealogy and studying ancestry. I’ve researched both sides of my family and my wife’s family, and I have gone about as far as the paper trail can take me. For the sake of our topic, I will share with you briefly about the dads in my family line. It was important for me that I understood how our fathers ticked. What were their childhoods like? What were their dads like? How about their grandfathers? What trauma was there that shaped who they were? My great-great-grandfather’s name was Bill Williams. The commonness of his name has led my research to a dead end far sooner that I’d like. However, I know enough to generally understand the men in my lineage since then. Why? Bill’s son, Joe, (my great-grandfather) died of tuberculosis when he was only 23. Before he died, Joe married and had three kids. One of those three was my granddad, Clarence, who was only three when Joe died. Clarence also lost both sisters, one before he was born and the other when he was two. Clarence never knew what it was like to have a birth father or full siblings. His alcoholic stepfather wasn’t kind to him either, so he lacked a healthy fatherly example. The relationship was so bad, he went to live with other relatives. The wounding didn’t stop there. As an adult, Clarence’s 39

first wife died of tuberculosis. And just as his mother saw her husband and two young daughters die premature deaths, Clarence saw far too many loved ones pass away. Sometime after his wife died, he confided in a letter to one of his half-sisters that he was “so lonely he could love a stick.” A year and a half later, Clarence married my grandmother, Edith. They had four children, with my dad being the secondborn. Now, remember that Clarence didn’t really have a father after age three and his stepfather was not a good man, so he struggled to be a present and engaged father to his four children. Since he was a Methodist pastor, Clarence would spend many hours either outside the home doing ministry or inside the home secluded and studying for his next sermon. I remember my father had those same habits, but I will talk more about that in the next chapter. For now, let me close with some great advice for fathers that my dad once told me. He said that every father should commit to being a better father than their dad was. Our family tree demonstrated this. My dad was a better one than his dad. He also knew his shortcomings, and he wanted me to do better than him, which I believe I did. I think this is a great mindset to have. Our family trees should either inspire us to emulate our predecessors or do better than them. I want my son to be a much better dad than I am to him. I am a sinner saved by grace just like my dad, and his dad, and so on. We are all sinners in need of a Savior. We all need His continued mercy as we continue to mess up. Action Step: Have you looked at your family tree? Do you know the stories behind the structure? It may be a necessary precursor to understanding your wound if it came from a family member. Understanding your family’s spiritual and emotional legacies could be a crucial step in dealing with your wounds. I encourage you to do a general overview of your family tree. 40

7 The First Wound

ow, the journey for us is going to get a little harder. We now must look at our wounds and begin to identify, understand, and process them. As you might have guessed from the previous chapter, my deepest wound was given to me by my father. While my father definitely laid a strong spiritual foundation for me, he also damaged me the most because of the inability to fully break free from the negative fatherly legacy. Much of the trauma that still haunts me emotionally and spiritually can be traced back to two defining moments with my dad. First let me reiterate again that my dad made a step of improvement over his dad, but there was still more improvement that could have been attempted. It was my observation that he fell into habits like those of his father, especially in prioritizing ministry over family. And he was gone a lot to do ministry all over the US and in other countries. If you ask me or any of my three siblings, one of our main memories of our dad was seeing him in his study and hearing him bang away on his keyboard. He’d be working on a manuscript or sermon, and these projects went far beyond 41

normal working hours. He often didn’t have time to play with us, and when it appeared he did have spare time, he chose to study again or work in his garden. One of his only escapes or hobbies in life was gardening. He loved it and spent many hours toiling in the heat to plant the seeds and dig up the weeds. As my siblings and I got older and all got married, he would work in our yards as well and make them look so much better. One of the two defining wounds from my dad happened when I was just becoming a teenager. I had gotten used to emotional distance in our relationship but was still struggling that I wasn’t a higher priority for him. He did play with us sometimes, but it was the exception and not the norm. My brother and I played soccer and loved to kick around the ball in the backyard. One day, I went to my dad and asked him if he wanted to kick with us—knowing he would say no. I really wanted to be proven wrong and held on to a sliver of hope, but I knew I would be proven right. He chose the garden instead. I’ll never forget that day because I never asked him to play again. My dad had made the same decision with his time as his father did, no matter what his intentions might have been. But before I can judge him, I must accept that I am capable of being just as selfish. Woe to me if I ended up repeating the same mistakes to the same degree as my dad. I knew the pain it caused. With God’s help I must always strive to do and be better. One day after my son reached adulthood, I built up the courage to ask him if I had been a good dad, and much to my relief he said yes. I almost believe him, but I know my own shortcomings all too well and understand my weaknesses with relationships because I have been living with a wound that has left a deep scar. 42

Action Step: Just as I encouraged you in the last chapter to research your family tree and any relational challenges that stem from it, today I exhort you to write down the story of your wound, especially the defining event(s). Don’t get overly detailed just yet; instead, stick to the main facts.

Processing the Wound For a while in my youth, I thought the main competition in the relationship with my father was his time commitment to ministry. I felt guilty for feeling this way because, after all, how could I compete with God’s calling on his life? When I was an older teenager having a rare conversation with my dad about our relational strain, he quoted Luke 14:26 to justify his choices: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” At the time, I didn’t know enough to realize he was wrongfully using a verse of hyperbole as his rationale. God called him to be a father too. He was supposed to minister to us too. This moment deepened the wound. It really hit me hard and made me feel guilty for thinking I was more important than God when it came to my dad’s time. But I couldn’t deny the void it left in me that a father is supposed to fill. This belief of my dad’s was proof to me that I wasn’t important to him. As a result, I descended to a very dark place, but not one full of alcohol or premarital sex. Instead, it mainly manifested as depression and loneliness. My mother referred to this time as my cave years because I emotionally distanced myself from everyone—and I mean everyone. I wouldn’t let anyone in, and my self-esteem was totally shot. Since I wasn’t worthy of my father’s attention, I was convinced I wasn’t worthy of anyone else’s either. I viewed 43

my Father in heaven the same as my dad—distant and having better things to do than give me attention. It greatly affected my spiritual walk. Socially, I tried to blend into the background and also never dated. I chose a college major (broadcasting) that helped me stay behind the scenes. As I mentioned, I thought the source of the problem was how much my dad was preoccupied with ministry. However, one day when I was older this subject came up with my aunt and uncle over dinner. My aunt (one of my dad’s sisters) shared something that brought me a measure of clarity. She said, “I bet it didn’t bother you how much your dad was gone, but who he was when he was home.” She was right. When my dad was home, he often chose activities that didn’t involve me. After all, that was the example my dad had from his dad. God used a close family friend who also happened to be a licensed counselor to work with me through this first wound. He met with me countless times and helped me begin the long road to healing. It has taken me many years to see my heavenly Father differently than my earthly father. And to be honest, it is a constant temptation to resist seeing God as the same distant figure whose attention I cannot get. Action Step: Now that you have described the occurrence or cause of your wound, next it is good to document how this traumatic event has affected you. How did you cope? How did it affect your spiritual walk and your relationships with others?

8 Wounded Again

f only life were about dealing with one horrible moment of being wounded. Maybe that’s true for you. Or maybe yours was a series of wounds, such as an ongoing abusive relationship. Or, like mine, it was a pattern of neglect and rejection with a defining moment or two. You will recall the moment that defined my first wound was when my dad chose the garden over kicking the soccer ball with me. The pattern of behavior was also clear: consistently choosing ministry and his own pursuits over time with his children. The second wound was incredibly similar, but it happened when I was in my 30s. And boy, did it reopen the wound and make it deeper. It was January 1, 2007. This was the day I succeeded my father as CEO of the ministry. For the previous eleven and a half years, I had served and learned under him. While I started out behind the scenes producing video, I gradually moved to management. My father turned 65 at the end of 2006, and he wanted to demonstrate what he had taught for decades: passing the torch of leadership to the next generation at an appropriate moment. However, it went horribly wrong. We did our best to make things look positive on the outside. 45

Behind the scenes, however, the transition went poorly. To be fair, we both made mistakes. I think my dad assumed that he could just do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted under the ministry’s umbrella. That wasn’t going to be the case, as certain overseas ministry partnerships needed to end because of unethical and immoral activity. These decisions didn’t go over well, but it took three years of a slow painful bleed to realize the inevitable. This working relationship wasn’t going to be fixed despite third-party interventions. In that third year, and as a last-ditch request, I approached my dad to ask him to do something with me, knowing what he would choose. On the outside, I was a 36-year-old asking my father to put his agenda aside and help me in my role as his successor. On the inside, I was still that boy asking his dad to kick the soccer ball in the backyard. Once again, he said no, and instead chose to do his own thing. He had proven me right again. A second wound identical in nature was made, and the pain happened all over again. Since this occurred as an adult, and even though it really stung, I was ready for his answer. I had already planned a followup appeal. I then asked him to be a good grandfather to my kids. He said that he would—and he was, especially to my son for the next six years until his fatal heart attack just days before his 75th birthday. His death took with it the chance to heal together. Action Step: Hopefully, reading my story as well as documenting your own is helping you recall more defining moments and details of being wounded one time or many times. I encourage you to stop and write down these additional details now.

More Processing I was broken all over again. The deep wound from my father that had cut me to my core in my youth happened a second 46

time as an adult. I was not good enough for my earthly father to choose to be with me. Once again, I struggled against the temptation to reflect these feelings onto my heavenly Father, and it is still a battle to this day for me to resist these thoughts. However, I can find great peace in the fact that my father and I have both been saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. This means that we will see each other in heaven one day and any wounds we both carried in this life will be forever in the past. Nonetheless, in the years following this second wound, there were times I got so angry about my father’s choice. Not only that, there were others closely associated with him who believed I had fired my dad from the ministry. Now, in addition to be deeply wounded, I was being falsely accused. I mentioned that several of the ministry’s long-standing global partnerships had been compromised. But my dad was the eternal optimist and believed that all relationships were redeemable. I wish that were true, but when some lines are crossed, they can’t be uncrossed. Trust was broken and consequences ensued. I had to disclose this to certain donors and to our independent auditor. This really frustrated me. I felt like I was taking the responsibility and blame for something that someone else did wrong. One day during my prayer time, I was expressing this frustration and anger freely to the Lord. I was not happy about taking the fall for one particular failed partnership—especially because I was also reeling from the second wound. The Lord then told me something in my spirit with such immediate, blunt force that I never complained about it again. I’m not saying I never had frustration or got upset again, but God changed my heart with a simple truth. What was it? I asked the Lord, “Why should I have to take the blame for something wrong that I didn’t do? It’s not fair!” His response: “I did the same for you on the cross.” 47

My anger turned to realization and then to grief. I had no room to complain. God put my sins—all my mistakes that Jesus didn’t deserve to pay for—and put them on His Son. Yes, I was wounded, but Christ was wounded for my sins too. And my dad’s. I wish my father and I had fully reconciled prior to his death. We did reach an agreeable middle ground, as I mentioned, but there was no doubt our relationship was never the same. The wall of the first wound had been dramatically ripped back open and trust was definitely lost for good. Action Step: You need to “call it like it is” and put down on paper all the ways that your wound(s) has affected you. Don’t hold back. Are there similar ways you are repeating or perpetuating your wound on others? Where do your strained relationships stand now?

Summarize I honor my father and mother and the godly influence they had on my life. They transferred so much biblical knowledge to me that it was like a seminary education for free! They exposed me to global missions, and I have seen the move of God manifest in incredible ways thanks to them. My dad and I worked together in ministry for several years before I succeeded him. And we went on some great adventures together. As I shared, my father and I didn’t experience relational healing prior to his heaven-going. In fact, his death was incredibly traumatic. He died of a massive heart attack the morning after my father-in-law’s funeral. My wife’s dad had endured a prolonged battle with kidney failure. My wife and I lost our dads, and our kids their granddads, within mere days of each other. Talk about dark times. Our family was wounded 48

by the two traumatic losses so close together, and it sure seemed cruel and especially unfair for our kids to endure this. My unresolved father wound did make the grief worse, but I take tremendous solace in the fact that all will be made right in heaven. How do I know this? God “‘will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4). All will be made right. Our sins will be forever in the past. I hope you are looking at your wounds and can now recognize if you have not fully dealt with them yet. How are they affecting your life and relationships now? Let me share with you how processing my wounds has shown me two negative tendencies in my life. I have already mentioned them. First, I have unfairly reflected my earthly father’s choices onto my Father in heaven. I came to believe the lie that God doesn’t have time for me, just like my dad. To be fair, it can be challenging at times for us to feel a strong relationship with a God who is not standing in front of us. This is why faith is so important, along with the Holy Spirit, prayer, Bible study, church, and relationships with other believers. Second, and to varying degrees, I have kept and continue to keep everyone in my life at somewhat of an emotional distance to prevent them from hurting me. This has included my wife and children. Lord knows they haven’t gotten the encouragement from me they needed. I try to dwell on the fact that I’m doing better than my dad did, but I don’t want that to be an excuse for not trying harder. You and I both know that this emotional distance has wounded my family to one degree or another, whether they realize it or not. It has sometimes manifested itself in poor decisions with my kids. Sometimes I choose my own pursuits instead of theirs. Sometimes I say something stupid. Sometimes 49

I model being a poor husband in front of them. Man, I can mess up, but God loves me anyway! And He knows my heart is to do better. Action Step: How would you summarize your wound? Take this last step of defining your wound and how you’ve dealt with it until now. Reduce it to a summary paragraph. How would you succinctly explain your wound to someone God can use to help you?

9 The Road to Healing

ith our wound(s) now clearly defined (as much as you are able given the state of your woundedness), let’s transition from talking about and documenting our wound to starting to deal with it. As I mentioned in the introduction, I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or a pastor, for that matter. God can heal your wound without any help from these types of people, but He often does use others to fulfill His purposes. And they may be needed in your case as they were in mine.

Bad Things Happen to Good People Let’s start by answering the infamous question that humankind has wrestled with forever: Why do bad things happen to good people? However, let’s rephrase this in a personal context: Why would a loving God allow me to be so deeply wounded? I addressed this topic in the first book I ever wrote for the ministry, Hardship, Healing and Hope: How God Still Moves in the Lives of His People. In it I shared that we live in a fallen 51

and sinful world where bad things happen to both good and bad people. Jesus warns us that our lives will be filled with trouble (John 16:33). Therefore, it is somewhat futile to try and figure out the answer to the “why” questions in our lives. We may not be able to discern whether God is bringing judgment, or if something bad is happening because we live in a lost and dying world. So don’t become obsessed with trying to figure out how an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (in all places in all times) God works. It is impossible. Remember that life wasn’t supposed to be this way; God didn’t want man to experience pain and die. Adam and Eve were to live forever. God gave man and woman the ability to make choices. Unfortunately, they chose sin, and that sin is present in the hearts of all men. As a result, God told them, “for dust you are and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:19). We live in a fallen and rebellious world that is constantly at war with itself and with its Creator, and constantly under the influence of evil (Satan). There will be casualties, many “evil” and many “innocent.” It is important to remember, however, that there are no innocent people. The book of Romans tells us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (3:23). As much as we wish it were true, everything in creation, from greatest to least, does not measure up to God’s standard. “There is no one righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10 quoting Psalm 14:1, 3 and 53:1, 3). “Indeed, there is no one on earth who is righteous, no one who does what is right and never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20). Have you struggled with the issue of why you were wounded? The key is to have faith that God has a master plan (like He did with Joseph in the Old Testament), one that He is intricately weaving throughout history. When we don’t know the “why” of His plan, we can find tremendous peace that He is present. 52

The cross should constantly remind us of His overall plan and His presence. You must trust Him. It takes faith to believe that God is in control and that He has a purpose for everything. Certainly, it is okay to be sad and even upset when we are wounded, but don’t turn your anger toward God. One day when we who believe are with Him forever, we will see and understand why He allowed bad things to happen. Ultimately, the more appropriate question we should be asking is not, Why do bad things happen to good people? but, Why does a holy and righteous God even give us a path to salvation to begin with? This should help our hearts focus on gratitude in the midst of our woundedness.

Our Heavenly Father Let’s talk about God further. One of the spiritual truths that our finite minds have trouble grasping is the reality of the Trinity. God is one essence but in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We don’t have to understand it for it to be true. We don’t have to believe it either, but it is still true. Jesus (the Son of God) instructed His disciples to baptize new Christians “in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). The book of Matthew in particular puts emphasis on calling God “heavenly Father.” Jesus frequently calls God by this term. There are several references where Jesus calls God “my Father in heaven” or “my heavenly Father.” Matthew also records Jesus speaking to others and referring to God as “your Father in heaven” or “your heavenly Father.” And perhaps the exclamation point is the famous prayer that Jesus taught His disciples to pray in Matthew 6:9, which begins, “Our Father in heaven . . .” Think about that for a second; we are sons and 53

daughters of God the Father just as Jesus is! Once again, we don’t have to understand it to accept it. We need to believe by faith that it is true. So how does our heavenly Father see us? It’s very easy for us to put on Him the human characteristics and qualities that we see in earthly fathers, mothers, and other authority figures. However, it is important to know that our Father in heaven is very different. He is perfect, omnipotent, and omniscient, among many other characteristics that differ from our parents. And He loves us so much better than our parents, our spouses, or any other human ever could: “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” (1 John 3:1). Consider also some of these attributes of God’s love as mentioned in Matthew: • • • •

He forgives us (6:14) He values our life (6:26) He knows our needs (6:32) He loves to bless us (7:11)

This is not to say our life will be all sunshine and rainbows. God would not be a righteous and holy God if He didn’t also hate sin and discipline us when we needed it. Why? “Because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son [or child]” (Hebrews 12:6, quoting Proverbs 3:11–12). Nevertheless, our anchor is our Father in heaven, who sent His Son to die for us. Express your gratitude to God for His love and His sovereignty. Read a few psalms of praise to set you in the right direction. Start with Psalm 103 and 145. Spend some time thanking God the Father for making you one of His children and having the power to heal your wounds, whether in this life or in heaven. 54

Run to God’s Word To deal with our wounds, we not only need the help of God the Father (and perhaps Him using someone spiritually skilled in this area), but we also desperately and continually need to bathe in His Word. Let me share with you some verses that demonstrate God’s love and care for us as we struggle with our wounds, starting with Psalm 119:71: “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” Our wounds should drive us to God. Here are some other biblical truths to which you can anchor: The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” (Romans 8:15) The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27) Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7) Though the Lord is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly; though lofty, he sees them from afar. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life. (Psalm 138:6–7) He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. (Psalm 147:3) See now that I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand. (Deuteronomy 32:39) 55

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5) The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:17–18) Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5, quoting Deuteronomy 31:6) Do your own search in the Bible for additional verses that will help you focus on God amid your woundedness. Perhaps another Scripture has already come to your mind.

10 The Future and the Present

ow that we have a fresh reminder of who God is and what His Word says, it’s also important to remember our glorious future as followers of Christ. All these truths will help us deal with our wounds in the present.

The Future: Woundless! Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “When the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.” I don’t think we should sound this cavalier when describing the serious spiritual battle we face. The devil is out to wound us—and permanently! It is important to understand the wounds of our past and present. It is also crucial that, as believers, we understand and dwell on our future. As Christians, “we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ” (Titus 2:13). We look to this future event, known as the Second Coming of Christ. We also look to God establishing “a new heaven and a new earth” (Revelation 21:1). God will dwell directly with 57

His people (verse 3). And, regarding every single wound and scar you and I have ever had, “‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, ‘I am making everything new!’” (verses 4–5). Think about it: no more death, no more pain, no more wounds. Gone forever! In the first part of Revelation 21:4, the Apostle John is referencing Isaiah 25:8: “He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth.” The Apostle Paul also encourages us to look toward this future reality (which we begin to experience in this life through the Holy Spirit). “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”—the things God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians 2:9). He is referencing Isaiah as well: “Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him” (64:4). We expectantly wait on God to help us with our wounds, and we eagerly wait on God to send His Son to establish His kingdom forever. One day there will be “a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language” (Revelation 7:9). And what will we be doing together? We will be glorifying God, saying, “Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb” (verse 10). Even the angels will cry out: “Amen! Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our God for ever and ever. Amen!” (verse 12). Pause here and read Revelation 21 and 22, which speak to what awaits followers of Christ. Keep in mind the symbolism you’re reading and focus on our glorious future. We will glorify God then, and we should glorify Him now, even in the midst of 58

our woundedness. One of my favorite preachers is John Piper. Probably his most famous quote is this: “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.” We can still glorify God with our lives, as damaged as we are. As a result, we can find peace in the present and hope for the future.

The Present: Get Counseling With our glorious future in mind, let me revisit something I only mentioned in passing at the end of “Processing the First Wound” in chapter 7. As I was just about to reach my teenage years, I withdrew from the family, stayed in my bedroom a lot, and had many dark thoughts, including suicide. Perhaps the main avenue of hope God provided for me during this troubled period was through a family friend named Sam (to whom this book is dedicated). He was actually a licensed Christian counselor, but he struck up a friendship with me despite the walls I had constructed. We met over lunch or after school or whenever. It started out slowly, but at some point, it became more frequent. I never had someone outside the family show an interest in my well-being like that. I’m sure others tried, but perhaps that is why God gifted him as a counselor—to break through the barriers that others with good intentions could not. Eventually, he became the epitome of Proverbs 18:24: “a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” He became a mentor, close confidant, and advisor. Later, he would be a groomsman at my wedding. During my latter years of high school, Sam got me to open up and share my frustrations. Foremost among them were the feelings of anger, bitterness, and confusion over my dad’s choices. Forgive me for being graphic, but I would describe it as Sam letting me vomit on him because that is certainly what I was metaphorically doing! All the emotions eventually came bubbling to the surface—and boy, did they come out! 59

Sam knew that healing couldn’t begin to take place until I let it all out. This is not to say that all healing will take place through counseling. Some healing can take place in this life; some will not take place until heaven. Some healing can’t take place if the relationship is broken. Some wounds leave an indelible mark. Scars are permanent. To properly deal with your wound, it would be beneficial to get this kind of specialized help. There is a stigma among some in Christian and non-Christian communities alike that “getting professional help” is seen as admitting major weakness or being mentally unstable. However, it is brave to get help. It shows selfawareness to do something about it. While it can be helpful to talk with other family members or friends from church, seeking help from an experienced pastor or licensed Christian counselor is often an effective route. I’m sure there are wonderful secular counselors out there, but unless they bring God into the equation, there is a full measure of healing that can never be attained. Lastly, never forget that as believers we have the Holy Spirit indwelling us. Jesus calls Him our Advocate (John 14:26). Other translations use the word Helper, Comforter, or Counselor. He “intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God” (Romans 8:27). He is there for us. He is our strength (Ephesians 3:16). The Holy Spirit can bring direct healing, and He can bring it through others. So, please research and find someone with experience in Christian counseling who can help you process and begin healing from your wound. Ask your church or a trusted Christian friend for a referral.

11 Transformation

hile we get help for ourselves, we need to be reminded of what God has done for us. He put all our sins—all the mistakes that Jesus didn’t deserve to pay for—on His Son, and He forgave them. And yet, it is still hard to extend mercy when injustice has occurred. It is hard to forgive when we’re still feeling the deep effects of our wounds.

Extend Mercy Jesus clearly stated that “if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14–15). If we call ourselves Christians (that is, if we believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord), then we embrace the forgiveness God offers. Yet if we refuse to forgive others who have hurt us, then we don’t understand or appreciate the grace and mercy God extended to us. Peter once asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21). Jesus gave the infamous answer, “I tell you, 61

not seven times, but seventy-seven times” (or “seventy times seven” in some translations). Jesus goes on to share a parable to make His point. A servant owed his king an impossibly large amount of money. The king was about to take everything from the servant, including his family, but the servant begged for mercy and his debt was fully pardoned. The servant then showed the true nature of his unrepentant heart by going to one of his fellow servants who owed him a very small amount of money and showing him no mercy. This merciless act did not go unnoticed, and word got back to the king. The servant was then treated with the original punishment he deserved. The moral of the parable is this: “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart” (verse 35). In this instance, we are called to forgive our fellow believer who has hurt or offended us in some way but is showing remorse and genuinely asking for mercy, even if they are probably going to mess up again. Forgiveness can be extended even if reconciliation is not possible. That would require mutual repentance and trust. Jesus forgave those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34), but He didn’t reconcile with them. Let me urge you again that if the wounding is still taking place from someone in this way, you should not continue to have unhealthy boundaries and allow yourself to be wounded further. Act now and get help now. Paul gives good advice in Romans 12:17–21: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord [Deuteronomy 32:35]. On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is 62

thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head’ [Proverbs 25:21–22]. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Commit to a season of prayer, taking as long as you need to grasp God’s forgiveness of your sins and reach a place of extending mercy to friend and enemy alike, even if reconciliation is not possible.

Transformation As you pray for strength and extend mercy, commit also to breaking the cycle. This is what salvation does for us. It breaks the cycle of sin, hopelessness, and death that can go on for generations. We are wounded and we wound, even as believers. Yet because of Christ, we have hope in the present and future. We can pray that God will bring us a measure of healing in this life. We can extend mercy to those who hurt us. And we can pledge to do our best not to wound others. In our woundedness, we must try to move forward. We must try to be more Christlike than those who have wounded us. My dad really was an improvement over his dad, and I was over my dad. May God give my son the wherewithal to be a much better dad than I am. In my context, I vowed not to be guilty of making the same choices with my son. Perhaps the best way I found to counter the temptation of not being present with my children (because we’re all guilty of selfishness) was to be involved in what they were involved in. If they played a sport, I went to every game or even helped coach their teams. When they liked to play a particular video game or watched a certain show, I played it or watched it with them. Now, to be clear, quantity of time does not necessarily equate to quality of time. This is where I think I could have done better and where I hope my children will do better with their kids. 63

I know that I am a sinner saved by grace. There are days I feel like Paul and can quickly (and rightfully) label myself the worst of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). I still struggle with being emotionally distant with my wife and children, who are now adults. I still feel a perceived gap between my heavenly Father and me. It will take a lifetime of prayer, bathing in God’s Word, being led by the Spirit, and putting things into practice to deal with my wounds and decrease my ability to wound others. I must continually try to do better. God will continue to transform me into His image if I seek Him. It is important to remember that, one day, we all will answer to God for everything we’ve done, both the good and the bad (2 Corinthians 5:10). You and I can’t stand before God and blame others for the choices we made. We alone answer for what we’ve done, especially as adults. This is tough to think about because our wounds can make it easier for us to make mistakes of our own yet not own them. What is it for you? How can God transform you? How can you break the cycle of being wounded and wounding? How can you end the negative legacy your wounds will try to perpetuate? We must let go of the anger. We must accept that we are all sinners, including those who wound us. We must embrace the forgiveness that God offers and that we should offer to those who have wounded us. We also need to embrace the love of God the Father and then express that love to others even though it can be hard. Because of Christ’s death and resurrection, the Holy Spirit, and God’s Word, we can continually be transformed into His likeness. Think about some practical ways you can deal with your woundedness. How can you better embrace the transforming power of Christ in your life?

Conclusion

e started by looking at stories in the Old and New Testament. There were wounds in the form of betrayal: a father who wounded his son, a mother and brother who did this to the other brother, and two disciples who betrayed Jesus. There was also abandonment in the form of two sisters who felt ignored, one co-worker abandoning another, and a future king who felt unheard by God. There was a woman ostracized by her community, a paralyzed man alone and ignored for decades, and a humiliated woman with a string of failed marriages. Stories of abuse included one wife who bullied another wife, a woman who was married to a drunken fool, and another woman who was raped by her half-brother. Lastly, we considered a man who kept getting unjustly treated, another who lost nearly everyone and everything precious to him, and a close friendship forever severed. And we even saw how Christ Himself was wounded. I also shared with you the details about my wounds for the purpose of helping you begin to examine, document, and understand your wounds. And we have closed by beginning to take steps together to deal with our wounds. We could have looked at many more stories of woundedness 65

in the Old and New Testaments. I could have also shared about the wounds that many family members and friends have experienced. You probably know lots of heartbreaking stories as well. While the Lord has brought much healing to my heart and soul, I am likely “leading with a limp” for the rest of my life on earth. This phrase is from the book by Dr. Dan Allender, Leading with a Limp: Take Full Advantage of Your Most Powerful Weakness. God has used this book to help me address my wounds and use them to make me a more seasoned, wise, and resolute leader. It has also motivated me to be a better man for God’s glory. You, likewise, need to seek out healing through various avenues, be they through the Holy Spirit, Christian books, a Christian counselor, a pastor, a church community group, prayer and Bible study, and so on. Don’t be stagnant and trapped in your pain. God can give you a measure of victory even though you are wounded and scarred. So is His Son because of your sins. The parable of the prodigal son is a wonderful story that should give us hope (Luke 15:11–32). While the context is a sinful son who blows his inheritance and comes back to his father, there is a deeper message. God is always waiting for us sinful sons and daughters to come to Him. If we have a broken spirit and a contrite heart, He won’t turn us away. With all our sin and all our wounds, we come to Him just as we are, knowing that Jesus’ death and resurrection allows us to do so. And He wants us to use our experiences to help others. What we have gone through is not for nothing! As I close, I pray that you begin to find healing from your wound. And let Psalm 109:21–22 be your prayer: “But you, Sovereign Lord, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me. For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me.” 66

Document Your Story Setting the Stage It is imperative that we begin this week’s journey in prayer. Pause right now and thank God for His sovereignty and His love for you. Thank Him for one day making all things right. Ask for His help in dealing with your wound, so that it no longer has power over you. Write down this prayer in the space below.

The Family Tree Have you looked at your family tree? Do you know the stories behind the structure? It may be a necessary precursor to understanding your wound if it came from a family member. Understanding your family’s spiritual and emotional legacies could be a crucial step in dealing with your wounds. I encourage you to do a general overview of your family tree.

The First Wound Just as I encouraged you to research your family tree and any relational challenges that stem from it, today I exhort you to write down the story of your wound, especially the defining event(s). Get as detailed as you can but stick to the facts. We’ll get to the wound’s effect on you next.

Processing the First Wound Now that you have described the occurrence or cause of your wound, next it is good to document how this traumatic event has affected you. How did you cope? How did it affect your spiritual walk and your relationships with others?

The Second Wound Hopefully, reading my story as well as documenting your own is helping you recall more defining moments and details of being wounded one time or many times. I encourage you to write these additional details down now.

More Processing You need to “call it like it is” and put down on paper all the ways that your wound(s) has affected you. Don’t hold back. Are there similar ways you are repeating or perpetuating your wound on others? Where do these strained relationships stand now?

Summarize the Wound How would you summarize your wound? Take this last step of defining your wound and how you dealt with it until now. Reduce it to a summary paragraph. How would you succinctly explain your wound to someone God can use to help you?

WHEN WE’RE WOUNDED Being wounded by others is a tragic fact of life in a fallen world, and it’s even worse when done by a close friend or family member. Instead of ignoring or suppressing our hurt, God calls us to bring our wounded selves to Him and begin the lifelong process of exchanging our pain for His peace. Join Feed the Hunger’s CEO, Joseph Williams, on a personal journey through Scripture and his own experience of being wounded. You’ll even have the opportunity to document your own story of woundedness as a way to begin healing. May this book point you to the Savior who was wounded for us and is the only One who can bring everlasting freedom from our brokenness.

About the author

Joseph Williams serves as CEO of Feed the Hunger, a Christian mission organization based in North Carolina. He is an ordained minister, has a Master’s degree in Ministry, and is currently pursuing his Doctorate in Ministry. He has been in full-time ministry for over 30 years, traveling for the sake of the Gospel to nearly 50 countries. He has written numerous books, devotionals, and studies to help Christians grow in their walk with the Lord and to reach others with the truth of Jesus Christ.