Keeping it Real: Gratefulness in a Modern World Science, Brain Chemicals, Oh My

WRITTEN BY BLAIR FJESETH

Somewhere between the instant gratification of video games, the pull of TikTok and the endless notifications pinging from all our devices, teaching kids to be thankful can feel like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom. And as the holiday season approaches, with Thanksgiving feasts, holiday decorations, gift lists and sugar highs everywhere, it can feel downright impossible. Between the chaos of family dinners, festive to-do lists and glittering distractions, carving out space for thankfulness takes intention, patience and a little strategy.

If there’s one practice I hope my children carry into adulthood, it’s the ability to notice, appreciate and say thank you even when the world seems entitled or distracted. And here’s the thing: Nowhere in What to Expect When You’re Expecting or hours of Pinterest scrolling about how to raise a baby did they ever educate me on how to teach gratitude. Yet, it’s something we have to intentionally model, nurture and practice every single day. Gratefulness isn’t just about manners or saying the right words at the dinner table. It’s a mindset, a habit, a pause. And in addition to keeping the kids alive, running a house and working, this is a required learned behavior that takes time, patience, presence and consistency, but one that will pay dividends in the future.

I’ve been a total geek about how the adolescent brain works, so much so that no book, podcast or seminar can fully satiate my curiosity. Lucky for you, you’re not trapped at a holiday party listening to me drone on about it for hours.

Thanks to my word limit (and your sanity), I’ve distilled what I’ve learned as best I can.

At its core, gratitude is the recognition and appreciation for the positive aspects of life or the kindness of others. It’s a conscious mindset: Noticing what we have, those who help us or even small daily joys. Psychologists describe it as a state, a temporary feeling (like being thankful for a gift) and a trait, a habitual orientation, where someone naturally tends to notice and value positives in life.

Now, on one side of the coin we want kids to be good humans, but we also want them to experience happiness, so the question becomes: What happens to your kid’s brain when they experience joy/gratitude?

When we feel or express gratitude, several areas of our brain light up, like the prefrontal cortex (the PFC — basically the CEO of our brain), which handles the “grown-up stuff” like decision-making, planning and organization, impulse control, social behavior, empathy and goal-directed behavior. Feelings of joy and gratitude cause the PFC to release dopamine, improving focus, motivation and creative thinking. It strengthens neural pathways, making it easier to arrive at thoughtful decisions, control impulses and see the bright side of life. Dopamine reduces stress by dampening the stress response (cortisol), which otherwise hijacks the PFC. In other words, a happy brain is a more rational brain. Score! And lastly, dopamine provides better emotional regulation.

Gratitude also lights up the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is linked to empathy and social connection. Here’s the really cool part I’ve learned: When we intentionally practice joy, gratitude or connection —like saying “thank you” or noticing someone else’s effort, the ACC lights up like a little internal Christmas tree. Neural pathways strengthen, empathy becomes easier and social attunement grows. Over time, your child isn’t just reacting less, they’re genuinely noticing the people around them, picking up on kindness and feeling the warm fuzzies of social connection.

Gratitude also triggers serotonin (mood stabilizer) and oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which strengthens relationships. Over time, neuroscience shows that practicing gratitude can rewire the brain, literally teaching it to focus on what’s good rather than what’s missing.

So, gratitude isn’t just manners or saying thank you at the Thanksgiving dinner table. It’s a fullon brain workout. It rewires neural pathways, strengthens empathy and literally makes joy easier to find. And in a world of TikTok, notifications and instant gratification, teaching gratitude gives our kids a superpower they’ll carry long after they leave home.

Right about now you might be saying, Blair, that’s fascinating, but how do I do this?

I’ve got you covered, and the answer is simple: start small. Remember, it’s about noticing the ordinary — a hug, a sunny morning, a new bike helmet, a friend sharing a snack.

Acknowledge why you’re thankful. Use drive time, dinner time or any little gaps in the day to sprinkle in gratitude:

• “I’m so grateful we live in Montana. We have such a beautiful state.”

• “Hey bud, I just wanted to say how thankful I am for your amazing snuggles yesterday.”

• “Since we’re driving, let’s call grandma and tell her how grateful we are for her.”

Small, simple moments like these plant gratitude seeds — and over time, they grow into habit.

Modern kids respond when they see impact. Gratitude isn’t about perfection, and making it active rather than passive brings the theory into being. Volunteering, donating gently used toys or helping a neighbor shovel snow turns abstract ideas into concrete experiences.

Next, you can’t just “do,” you have to talk about doing, then do, then talk about the did. Make sense? At our house, we go around the table daily and share one thing that made us grateful today. Awkward at first, it soon becomes habit. We write cards to people we’re thankful for and find ways to show it, such as writing to veterans, reaching out to folks often forgotten at nursing homes and dropping off dog toys at the humane society.

Ultimately, gratefulness isn’t a checklist. At first, it can feel like one, but really, it’s a lens. It’s how kids end up seeing the world. Sure, they’ll still get frustrated, want what they don’t have and roll their eyes when I ask if they’ve said thank you. But with practice, gratitude becomes a reflex, a muscle they can flex even in moments of disappointment.

In a world that moves faster than we can keep up with, teaching gratitude is an anchor, especially during the holidays. It slows us down and reminds us — and our children — that even amid chaos, there is abundance. And that is a gift worth noticing every single day.

Disclaimer: I am not a scientist nor a physician.

Blair Fjeseth is a working professional and proud Montana mom. You can reach her at blairparker.inc@gmail.com.