Anonymous Lives in Ramsgate Age 59 Visual Artist At the Western Undercliff beach At home, in studio
When I first saw the call-out to talk about the menopause I really was against it, but it kept bothering me why I didn't want to be part of it. I realised that I was quite embarrassed, ashamed about going through the menopause. So when I decided that I did want to take part, I wanted to do it anonymously. Not for a vanity thing, it’s something that is hidden, or not discussed, still one of the taboos I think. Interestingly, I’ve never thought negatively about the menopause, I remember my mum telling me about the hot sweats, but she never bothered with HRT, she just was very stoic and pragmatic about it. I don’t suppose I was even aware I was going through it until I reached a certain age when it was being discussed. I picked up on it more and more, especially when I stopped bleeding; that was a very strange one because I’ve always had pain with periods, and then they stopped. Rather than feeling joyous it was a very strange thing to feel. Done and dusted really. Finished. And I’ve got two children. I don't know - almost like I’d wiped my hands of me being a woman. Yeah, it’s a very strange thing. My body certainly changed, my hair’s going grey, I’m getting whiskers on my chin, and when I see women my age it surprises me, and then I realise that’s what I am. There’s also a joy - I think - in that I know myself better than I ever have. I don't know if that’s a menopausal thing or just a reaching a certain age thing, but there’s such a relief in that. I still have to wear lipstick when I go out. Even for a dip in the sea. I like to think that I can still be attractive, but I wonder if that’s all part of being a woman and of society’s expectation. I'm not exactly sure how I should be. When I was 47 I left my then husband. We had a fantastic marriage, but I was just not content; I do wonder now whether I was peri- menopausal and I didn't know. There was something going on inside me that thought “no, I just can’t keep doing this anymore”, I needed something different and I do wonder looking back now, that actually if I’d have known somebody could’ve said “actually …. it’s the menopause, hang in there.” Becoming an artist is a very recent thing. I was a graphic designer for 30 years, during the 80’s and 90’s when graphic designers were gods almost. And then I started doing stuff for myself, rather than from a brief, so I embarked on a MA in Canterbury. I wouldn't have done that if I was a younger woman. I graduated when I was 56. The MA was the best thing I’ve done for myself, everyone should do it, just do it! Don't doubt, just do it!