Kat Lyons - Bristol

Kat Lyons Lives in Redfield (Bristol) Age 39 Writer, performer In rehearsals for “Dry Season” a show about coming to terms with premature ovarian failure, early menopause I stopped sleeping - I would wake up at 4am everyday - but my alarm went off at 7am. I was exhausted. Any socialising or networking was very difficult because I was so tired. Now on HRT I get 6 hours. The walls were pulsating when I was working with my director. I couldn’t cope, I was strung out, severe paranoid anxiety. I was acting weird which was beginning to affect my relationships; this anxiety is compounded by the lack of sleep. I stopped recognising the person that I was becoming and I didn’t like her. I was like “who is this paranoid, neurotic, insecure, over emotional wreck?” I just felt feeble and weak. Like I should have been able to deal with this. I’d travelled. I’d lived in a truck. My resilience and sense of self was taken from me. I just didn’t know who I was anymore. Waking up really hot getting panic attacks, and getting really hot. At this stage everything had been interrupted because my Mum had died. I told someone at work (who was in her 50’s) and she said “it sounds like a hot flush” so I went to the Dr. I couldn’t get an appointment, I burst into tears on the phone and said “I can’t cope”. I was told it was menopause. My Mum blamed her breast cancer on HRT and I was being told I needed to go on it. I demanded a referral to a specialist, he was lovely. A show has come out of it. I still haven’t come to terms with it properly. I was very depressed for a long time - I’m still going through that. There’s so many health implications when I come off HRT (vaginal atrophy for example). I give much less of a fuck about the small stuff. You really feel your mortality. It’s a bit of a “I am actually going to die.” It must be the same for people who’ve had a chronic illness. So I quit my job and became a freelance poet. I’m a lot better than I was. I’m out of the house performing, socialising. Dealing with anything hard makes you stronger. The show, interviewing women. My Mum never talked about it but my Grandma opened up - she went through it at 40 - so that brought us closer. We coast through our lives not really thinking about what’s important - it has made me do that - I’m still grieving for my past sense of self and accepting who I am.