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THE

PASSIONATE LIFE OF A BUTTERFLY

ELIANE VAN ESPEN

THE PASSIONATE LIFE OF A BUTTERFLY Eliane VAN ESPEN éditions pat.H©

30, Rue de l’enseignement 1000 Bruxelles ISBN 978-2-930639-24-6

Butterflies fly from flower to flower, feeding on nectar. They are very beautiful. People love to watch them as they fly so gracefully. They flit away, dancing on air from one flower to another, until their life ends. They say that butterflies donâ€™t die, they just fly a little higher. Before a butterfly can flap its wings, it starts out as something completely different and transforms itself through four stages. Each stage is different. Each stage also has a different goal. A butterfly becoming an adult is called Metamorphosis or Chrysalis. The life cycle process can take a month to a year. It depends on the type of butterfly. Sophieâ€™s cycle process took 32 years before she became a Butterfly and accepted her true identity!

SOPHIE

Sophie was born during the Second World War. Her coming to the world was quite a catastrophic event. Her parents were both in their forties and did not expect to have another child. During her pregnancy, her mother was sure she would have a boy. So she started to prepare baby clothes for «Bernard» (like his godfather). She carried «Bernard» for 9 months, calling him by his name, caressing him, doing everything for «Bernard»! Delivery was very long and painful and when the baby finally showed up, Sophie’s mother fainted! It was a girl! «And what about the name?» said Sophie’s mother. «It can’t be Bernard!» Swiftly, Sophie’s mother said: «It will be Sophie like her godmother!» Sophie was a calm, shy girl, and always good humoured. She was healthy and good looking, tall, with long blond hair and blue eyes. One disturbing thing, Sophie was quietly rejecting dolls, girls’ dresses and ribbons in her hair. She was always playing with her brother’s toys. She pretended to be a soldier, an Indian or cowboy, fighting with guns and swords with her cousins. Sophie’s mother was alarmed but thought it would change with puberty. When she was 12, she became a «big girl». What a shock! She was not prepared for it. Sophie’s mother tried to explain that this was a normal process in a girl’s life. Sophie’s reaction was dramatic: «I don’t want to hear it!» «I do not want to be a girl. I want to be a boy like my cousins.» «How can I become a boy, mama? When is this «thing» going to grow? Can we ask God for help?» «It’s impossible darling, you cannot change nature. Even God can’t help you!»

SOPHIE

Sophie refused to accept it. She cried, screamed, and even considered killing herself. She was stuck in her girl’s body. «If I cannot change my sex, I can change my looks!» The first change she made was a visit to the hairdresser’s to have a haircut. Gone was the long curly blonde hair! Sophie’s mother was horrified. Sophie refused to wear skirts and dresses. She wanted to wear trousers. She did not want to wear a bra. «That’s for girls». She made a scene until she got what she wanted. She still had no breasts, so people who did not know her thought she was a boy. It was kind of exciting to see people hesitating: «is that a boy or a girl?» Again her mother thought it was a passing fancy. «Maybe she will come around when she meets her first boyfriend,» thought her mother. When Sophie reached 14, she knew there was something about her that wasn’t right, and she’d better not tell anyone. Instead of being interested in boys, she was attracted to girls. She even had a crush on her female teacher. Sophie wanted to impress her with good grades in her Dutch class. Every time the teacher came close, or smiled at her, she had butterflies in her stomach, her heart skipping a beat........ She was sure the teacher knew it - and was maybe flattered - but she never made a remark or made Sophie feel ridiculous. In the end, the crush did fade away. Crushes on teachers are part of growing up. Crushes are something that everyone experiences at some point, and the human brain is actually biologically programmed to fall in love. By the time she was 15, Sophie knew enough about sexual orientation and what was wrong with her. She belonged to the opposite sex! She understood now why she was attracted to girls instead of boys. There was no other explanation for such impulses. Sophie again decided not to tell anyone and to wait and see. She wanted to be an airline stewardess. That was her dream. A «Butterfly» in the skies! Flying was an adventure and she wanted to be part of it one day. She wanted to wear that custom-fitted blue uniform - hat, white gloves, high heels, carrying a beauty case and looking fabulous. She wanted to travel, see places, meet all kind of people and enjoy life.

SOPHIE

«Never!» said her mother. «It’s too dangerous». What can you say or do when you are 14 or 16? Go to college and study! Going to college gave Sophie the opportunity to learn languages - French, English, Dutch and German - and have the general knowledge background required to become a stewardess. She had been in college for around 3 months when her life was again shaken. Her vision deteriorated dramatically almost overnight. She had to wear glasses (her mother became blind for a while when she was young; luckily she recovered 70% of her sight). That was not expected at all. Now what? Wear glasses of course, Sophie!

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

Sophie’s first love was a She! The new student in school. She was sexy, attractive and confident. Looking at her moving around the playground like a film star made Sophie want to get to know her better. Who was she? Nobody had ever affected Sophie the way that girl did, and she could not fathom why. Was it her looks? Her body language? Her smile? Tall, slim, long blond hair - she was simply gorgeous and she was 16! Sophie did not understand her irrational reaction. She was attracted to her like a butterfly to a beautiful flower. Why these butterflies in her stomach? Girls fall in love with boys, not with girls. One day, during lunch, Sophie was sitting all by herself in the Coffee House, reading a book, absorbed in the story. Suddenly, there “She” was, standing in front of Sophie. She asked kindly why she was sitting there all alone. Sophie was stunned, could not find the right words and turned red. Her heart was pounding! The “goddess” laughed: “I’m Marie. What’s your name?” “Sophie”. Marie had a boyfriend who came to pick her up after school in his car. When Sophie saw Marie with her boyfriend, she could not describe the strange feeling that was eating her. She only knew she would have given everything in the world to be the boyfriend! Sophie could not talk to anyone about her feelings for Marie. Not even Marie! Nobody would have understood anyway. One day, Marie asked Sophie if she wanted to go with her and her friends to the en vogue disco for a bit of fun.

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

“Marie, I would love to, but I’m only 15!” “Don’t worry, I know the owner of the disco and he will let you in.” “I’ll have to ask my parents, they are quite conservative.” They accepted on one condition, Sophie had to be home by eleven. They went several times to the disco. Always with Marie’s boyfriend! Sophie met Marie’s parents. She was very often invited to her place for dinner. They became good friends. But her feelings towards Marie felt different, more intense. Sophie knew she was physically attracted to Marie. She wanted to tell her how she felt but didn’t know how Marie would take it. Would she laugh? Get mad? Would she break up their friendship? When they were alone Marie seemed to respond to Sophie’s feelings, as if she was drawn to her but rejected the idea. Marie kissed her very often on the mouth when they met, holding hands while walking....... Was it innocent? Was it flirting? Sophie was lost. One day Marie’s parents asked Sophie if she wanted to go to the seaside for the day. Sophie was thrilled! The whole day with Marie and at the seaside! As they were leaving very early in the morning, Sophie had to sleep over at Marie’s place. After dinner, it was time to go to bed. One big bed to share! Sophie put herself at the edge of the bed and tried to sleep. In vain! She was in bed next to Marie, and the air changed. Marie was sleeping naked. Sophie never slept naked, she always wore pyjamas. Sophie wasn’t facing Marie, but her body tensed like she knew something was about to happen. When it did happen, she had the biggest shock of her life! She felt very uncomfortable. Marie wasn’t sleeping either. Marie laid her hand on Sophie’s wrist. Just that! But her world exploded. The heat, the goose bumps, the shivers....... her heart stopped. Nothing more. “Why are you wearing pyjamas?” asked Marie. “I hate the feeling of being naked!” answered Sophie. “You don’t know how great it feels to sleep naked! Take off your pyjamas and you’ll see” laughed Marie! “No! Don’t insist!” said Sophie.

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

Then Marie asked Sophie if she had a boyfriend, if she’d already kissed a guy and if she’d had sex. Sophie was offended! “Why are you asking that question? Remember, I’m only 15!” Marie laughed: “I have, with Pierre, and it felt great!” Where is this conversation going? What does she want? “I can’t sleep!” said Marie. “Sophie, make love to me. Please me!” Sophie felt like she’d been struck by lightning. What was making love? How could she please Marie? “Here, I’ll show you.” Sophie and Marie kissed each other’s lips. Marie lay on her back and Sophie started kissing her breasts and licking her bouncy nipples. Sophie closed her eyes letting her hands explore Marie’s body. Butterflies were running through Sophie’s body. What kind of feeling was she experiencing? It was indescribable. Very soon Sophie started sucking Marie’s pussy greedily. Marie was squeezing her breasts and throwing her head back in pleasure, her body bending every time her clitoris was touched. “Eat my pussy!” ordered Marie. “Then I will lick your pussy.” But Sophie stopped her. “No, let me please you” said Sophie. Whatever logic and reason Sophie normally possessed had melted away. There was nothing but flesh and fire left. It was at this point that both experienced what all the girls melt over, an orgasm. Marie wasn’t going to lie to herself, it was simply insane! Even with her boyfriend she hadn’t experienced such an orgasm! It was an unexplainable thing. The chemistry between them. Sophie was electrified, bewildered! She knew she had never felt like this before. Was this “pleasing”? “You were great. I love you!” said Marie. Now show me how you pleasure yourself.” “Marie, I don’t know what you mean!” “I mean masturbating, how you make yourself come.” “I don’t” said Sophie. Marie raised her eyebrows and shook her head in disbelief. “Well, we’ll have to see what we can do about that!”

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

“Now, let’s sleep.” In the morning they got dressed, ready for the day at the seaside. It was a beautiful day. The weather was fine, a lot of sunshine, the sea was calm, the sand was warm. They had a great time sitting on the beach enjoying their picnic. When the sun disappeared, they collected their belongings and moved to the car for the return journey. Sitting on the back seat and feeling Marie’s body next to hers aroused Sophie sexually. She was sure Marie felt the same. “How can we take care of “that” whispered Marie? Not many possibilities!” “Mum, what about the picnic blanket? Let’s wrap ourselves in the blanket pretending to be cold.” Marie was wearing a skirt! Hum! Very convenient! “Be very careful not to be caught” said Marie. Sophie did not waste time. She slid her hand between Marie’s open legs, pushed away her panties, and slowly caressed her clitoris. She was so wet and swollen that it was easy to penetrate deep and wide in her vagina, moving her fingers in and out until Marie climaxed. They were both breathless, their faces red and burning, and not just from the sun! When they arrived in front of Sophie’s house, she thanked Marie’s parents for the beautiful day, gave Marie a kiss and said: “See you tomorrow at school!” Days passed. Sophie only saw Marie at school. Thinking about Marie, Sophie remembered what Marie had said about pleasing oneself sexually. To calm her blazing fire, Sophie filled the bath tub with warm water, turned on the shower head, put it on pulse setting and sprayed herself with the water around her clit and inside. It was the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced. Sophie had her first selfpleasure experience. Many others would follow! Marie had kindled a flame of passion that was impossible to extinguish! Marie broke up with her boyfriend. Good news! Two months later, an opportunity came to see each other outside of school. Sophie’s parents had to attend a wedding in France. They were going away for four days. She could not go with them because she was still at school. They were worried about her staying alone in the house and asked Sophie’s parents if Marie could stay with Sophie.

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

That was bringing the wolf to the chicken coop! Those 4 days were fantastic! Daytime: school - Evening: free for whatever fantasy they had! And they had a lot of fantasies! On the kitchen table, on the couch, on the floor in front of the open fire, in the bathtub............ and of course on the bed. Enjoying kissing, massages with oil, oral sex, scissoring, four square, missionary positions, doggy style......... they did it all! There was one issue that frustrated Marie. Sophie refused to be completely naked in bed and she did not want Marie to touch her. “Why can’t I touch you?” “I don’t know, Marie.” She had no answer. She just couldn’t set herself free. Then Sophie heard a little voice in her head saying: “Go very deep into your memory. What happened when you were very young? Remember the guy in the building where your grandmother lived? What did he do to you - and probably to several other little girls from the neighbourhood? He took you to the darkest corner of the building. He assaulted you sexually. Luckily people entered the building and you were able to escape.” It all came back in a flash! Was this the reason? Sophie had never told anyone, not even her mother. The guy made her swear not to speak or she would be sorry. But the damage was done. It had left a scar on her sex life. Sophie was so scared she would meet that guy again, scared he would get under her skirt and into her underwear, that she refused to wear a skirt or dress if she couldn’t wear gym shorts underneath. Either the guy moved out or was caught in the act and sent to jail. He never showed up again! Was this the reason why she never allowed anybody to touch her while making love? That she was never naked in bed, always keeping her underwear on? Marie and Sophie had now been together for a year. They talked about living together as soon as Marie had a job. Sophie’s family accepted Marie as her “best friend”. She even became godmother to Sophie’s nephew! Sophie’s family did not quite understand this “girl thing”, but nobody ever questioned her.

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

However, they were constantly asking Sophie when she would show up with a boy, get married and have children. Again! They’re starting to bother me! She always laughed and answered “A stewardess cannot marry and have children, you know that!” That kept them quiet for a while. However, her mother had suspected for quite some time that she was having a relationship with Marie. She never mentioned it to Sophie. In the meantime, Marie had decided to change school. It wasn’t meeting her expectations. She was free on Wednesday afternoon and so was Sophie! Sophie’s parents were both working. Nobody home on Wednesday. Sophie was so sure nobody would come to bother them that she didn’t lock the door of the house. But one afternoon, the most dreadful afternoon in their life, Sophie’s sister-in-law came to pick up something she had forgotten the day before. She had a key to the apartment. Marie and Sophie were having oral sex on the couch. Hearing the door open, they jumped up from the couch and tried to hide the state they were in. Too late! Her sister-in-law had seen everything. She shouted “Filthy girls, you should be ashamed, you are not normal, I am going to report this immediately to your mother, and you will see what will happen to both of you!” What a disaster! One moment they were in heaven enjoying sex, another moment, in hell! Sophie’s sister-in-law warned her mother immediately. Her mother told her father and warned Marie’s parents. That set the dice rolling! Sophie’s father was beyond himself. Her mother was crying. Marie’s parents’ reactions were even worse! They accused Sophie of having dragged their innocent daughter into the mud. Sophie was the devil, and God would punish her for her sins. “You will not see our daughter ever again. Don’t call her, or contact her in any way, or we will go to the police!” Sophie was devastated. “My life is over” cried Sophie. She could not stop sobbing. “Was it wrong to love Marie?” In the ‘Sixties? Yes! Sophie’s father blamed her mother for having a daughter who was “not normal”.

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

“From now on, I don’t have a daughter. She does not exist for me!” He even called Sophie a “freak”. He told the whole family what had happened. Guess their reactions! Sophie became the black sheep of the family. Many years later, Sophie’s family told her they were sorry for the way they had behaved. They had just discovered that 2 of their sons and grandsons were gay! Sophie’s mother was the only friend and support she had. She cried very often. Life became unbearable. Wake, school, cry, try to sleep. She went to Marie’s school and waited until she came out. “Marie, do you miss me?” said Sophie. “Sophie, we need to talk. We don’t have long. I am constantly watched by my parents, I can never go anywhere alone.” “And yes, I miss you, but my hands are tied.” “My parents have approached one of my father’s colleagues and are negotiating my marriage with him as soon as I graduate from school.” Sophie’s tears started to flow. She couldn’t stem them. She managed to shout “I love you” and ran home. Sophie couldn’t stand the fact that Marie was going to belong to someone else. She decided to put an end to her life. The house was empty. Her parents were at work. She prepared her mother’s sleeping pills, her father’s whiskey, pictures of her and Marie, and lay down on the bed. “If I had been a boy all this mess would never have happened,” thought Sophie. “I would have married Marie, have a job, house and children with her.” “Nature played a trick on me. I am a girl!” Sophie couldn’t stop crying and felt sorry for herself. All of sudden she heard that same little voice in her head saying: “Sophie, have you forgotten your dream?” “Morning: sightseeing in New York and, around five hours later: your date for dinner in San Francisco.” “Next day: on the beach in Miami.” “All that glamour and glitz you were dreaming of?” “Shouldn’t you see the world first, before wanting to end your life?” “You are 16 years old, slim, attractive, and speak 4 languages.” “Marie was your first love. She will always be your one and only big love.” “It hurts, I know.”

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

“But maybe later you will find love again?” “Get up, obtain your college degree, and when you reach 18, grab the opportunity to become one of those fabulous looking stewardesses.” This was Sophie’s wakeup call! “How could I have forgotten my dream?” Sophie picked up her life and went back to college. She tried not to think too much about Marie. The closer it came to Marie’s wedding, the more Sophie understood that this page of her life was definitively over. She didn’t even have the courage to go and see how beautiful Marie was in her white dress. “I must survive! I must stay alive. I know I’ll survive.” In the years following her break up with Marie, Sophie never mentioned her love affair with Marie to anybody, scared that if it came out that she was hiding her true identity, it would ruin her life. It made her feel ashamed that she couldn’t feel honest and really be who she was. “Why am I a girl?” thought Sophie. “I really have the desire to be a boy; I just want to get out of this jail.” “But if I actually tell anyone that I want to be a boy, I’m afraid they’ll begin to treat me differently and reject me... I don’t want to lose the great friends and family I have right now.” “When the time comes I will show the world I’m proud of who I am” said Sophie. And Sophie survived! Did she forget Marie? Never! They met a few times. Marie always kissed her softly and whispered “I still love you darling.” Sophie thought she would die from grief. Her heart was still longing for Marie. But Marie had a husband and 2 beautiful children who adored her. “Let it go, Sophie! Let it go! No use clinging on. She will never come back.” Were Sophie’s feelings of love, emotion, intense romantic attachment and passion for Marie simply an adolescent crush? Who knows the answer? “She will always be in my heart, no matter how badly I felt, no matter how much pain and tears I’ve suffered because of this love.”

FIRST LOVE AND PASSION

Why is it that you never forget your first love? Maybe itâ€™s because itâ€™s the first person you gave your heart to, completely. The first time you were afraid to breathe for fear the moment would pass and you would miss some of the seconds. Buffy Andrews