Blarney is upon us. The sacred day when alarms are set for 7 a.m. and naps are taken at 1 p.m.
Streets run green (and occasionally, regrettably, with other fluids. Sorry.) on Blarney.
It’s the perfect day for those of us who love texting “WHERE ARE YOU????” to our friends only for it not to go through due to the nonexistent service.
It’s the only day of the year I’d honor with a magazine. I hope you all enjoy our newest edition of The Brick. Everyone had a blast making it for you.
Have an incredible (and safe!) time at Blarney.
Until next time,
BCB & LAT
Blarney blow-my-back-out
The time I tripped and fell at Blarney and a Dr. McGillicuddy mentholmint nip went up my ass
I know what Blarney is. Borgs, green clothes, and lucky charms. Everyone knows what Blarney is…. Until you trip and fall and a Dr McGillicuddy nip goes up your bum.
I was a mere 20 years old. Full of dreams and aspirations. After all, my father had just gotten me an internship and I just learned you're supposed to pinch the tip of the condom when you put it on. Sophomore year was awesome!
I was in the mob of people at the townies when suddenly I lost my footing. I sank to the bottom of the swarm of drunk college kids and felt a pinch on my tuckus.
I had fallen on an unopened Dr McGillicuddy mentholmint nip. The problem was the mentholmint nip wasn't just the tip.
I then picked my 5’4 frame off the ground and walked out of the townies.
Penguin walking with a new friend between my buttocks
BREAKING NEWS THE BRICK
UMASS STUDENT FALLS ON ICE
Last night at approximately 4:21 p.m., a UMass Amherst student fell on the ice and broke his tailbone.
Sources say he has already been offered $10 million if he shuts up, signs an NDA. Brick News has been able to obtain a copy of the NDA, and one of the clauses is to “commit to defending the man in charge of the university”. The student declined to sign the NDA and is having talks with different lawyers. When asked why he decided to press charges, he responded “Eh, why not? I’ve got nothing better to do.”
Sam the Minuteman Arrested
On March 8, at about 10:00 a m , Sam the Minuteman was detained by University police for public intoxication and possession of a Tropicana bottle containing a carefully-curated cocktail of equal parts Tito’s and green Gatorade.
He was allegedly on his way to the Blarney townhouses when a patrol officer caught him stumbling into the road, enthusiastically heckling students across the street According to the police report, a breathalyzer test measured Sam’s BAC of 1.0, a number previously thought to exist only in fraternity folklore
When asked about his drink of choice–which he referred to as a borg, though he appeared unfamiliar with the term–he slurred, “What is borg? Is this some new-fangled drug like opium?” The report also notes his resistance to getting into the police cruiser, an effort quickly quelled by a timely blackout
Several instances of property damage and vandalism were spotted along his drunken warpath toward the Blarney townhouses, but there is insufficient evidence to identify Sam as the culprit.
Investigators noted the presence of hastily sprayed orange graffiti across numerous signs and houses, oddly matching the unidentified residue on Sam's hands at the time of his arrest, though he claims it to be “Cheeto dust”.
With this wild new development, university officials are reportedly debating whether a new mascot should be appointed. We reached out to Sam’s publicist for comment, to which he responded, “We are not sure what the future holds for Sam We have contemplated asking the student body to vote on if Sam should stay as our mascot or if we should let him go, so keep an eye on your email”
Though a court date has not been announced, sources suggest Sam the Minuteman may try to smooth things over by hosting another rope-hat giveaway.
BRICKS
Theonly beer that won ʼt make yourheadfeel like it was hitbyabrick!
Four BORG and Seven Years Ago
UMass BORGston is a Safety School Queen Elizabeth’ s Orphaned Borgis
I committed borgery on my FAFSA so I didn’t have to call my dad IsenBORG Dropout Burned-Out Regret Gallon The I-just-had-a-heart-attackplease-send-me-an-ambulance BORG
u/tickles 21hr
The disabled students have had enough! We are sick and tired of going to use the bathroom, only to find it occupied by one or two people, very much NOT using the bathroom. For the love of a good person, we need to piss. We understand that sex is important- we do!!
Despite popular belief, we get it on too (probably more than you). But no one wants to drop a deuce only to find an occupied bathroom, or on the offchance that it is available, with mysterious liquids and the occasional condom. If you want sex badly enough to have it in a public place, don’t use the fucking disabled bathroom you godless monster. We did literally nothing to deserve this, but we will fight back. And if you make a joke about us “standing up for ourselves” we will have the wheelchair kids break your fucking toes.
Sincerely,
The disabled students
We forgive, but we do NOT forget ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
Thou shalt eat their body weight in stir-fry
2. Thou shalt blackout on Blarney 3.
1. Thou shalt not agree to go on a date to a dining hall
4. Thou shalt break into South College to study after the library closes 5.
7.
Thou shalt not try to use a fake ID to get into Stackers
9.
Thou shalt not drunkenly go for a swim in the campus pond
6. Thou shalt pick an emotional support professor and cry in their office at least once a month
Thou shalt not go within 100 feet of the library during windy season
8. Thou shalt get lost and have to ask a random person for directions to Morrill 2
Thou shalt not have unprotected sex with a frat brother 10.
of an Angry Dining Hall Worker
BREAKING NEWS
University Police to Deputize Campus Geese for Blarney Celebrations
At a press conference held at the Student Union, Goose President, Alexander the Goose, addressed the historic partnership
“We are thrilled to be working closely with the UMPD to achieve our shared goal of unlimited bre-I mean our shared goal of keeping campus safe,” Alexander shared “We look forward to strengthening our ties with the wider police force of Massachusetts ”
Meanwhile, students on campus have reported an increase in maintenance staff attention toward the geese since the allegations surfaced on February 15th, including the installment of a Gau-8 anti-duck machine gun mounted on the Arts Bridge, facing the pond
Earlier today, the University Police Chief announced that campus geese will be deputized to assist in policing upcoming Blarney celebrations
“Today marks a great milestone in human-geese relations,” said the Chief “We are placing our full faith in the campus geese to help us in our mission to keep campus safe over Blarney ʼʼ
This announcement came just days after a bombshell report alleged the Universities Chancellor spent Valentine’s Day with a goose Many are speculating that this sudden change in policy was a direct response
“Idk man, it just seems like the geese are trying to do something major now that one of them bribed the chancellor for bread,” wrote an anonymous student on YikYak shortly after the announcement
According to legislation passed at the most recent Amherst Select Board meeting, the geese will receive “custom-fitted police uniforms, cute little hats and tasers,” Select Board members who voted in favor of the funding measure were not available for comment
The University Police Chief defended the spending
“We believe that the provided equipment will allow the geese to fully exercise the rule of law when we need it most,” he said He declined to comment on the total cost, though the SGA President revealed that the funding was reallocated from a planned donation to Lockheed Martin
Though the Chancellor could not be reached for public comment, he allegedly took to YikYak in an effort to quell the allegations, yakking anonymously: “I do not like them here or there I do not like them anywhere I do not like them in the pond I do not like them with a duck Not in a box Not with a fox. That goose did not manipulate me.”
If you have information on the subject, please text txtFrank to 55744 with your update
Due to popular demand, UMass Dining has partnered with a local bar to launch BarCart™– a fleet of alcoholic beverage vending machines scattered across campus like a scavenger hunt for alcoholics. These machines will feature a variety of beer and hard liquor and will replace standard soft drink machines until further notice–or until the administration remembers liability insurance exists. And yes, these beverages will be available for purchase with dining dollars.
This decision has already taken more hits than Patrick Mahomes at the Super Bowl, with many students and faculty speaking out against BarCarts™. One student we stopped, who was currently listening to Joe Rogan, went on record to say, “BarCart is the second worst idea UMass has ever had”*. These concerns have been taken into consideration, and the managers of this project have informed us that the BarCarts™ will also feature nonalcoholic beer and mocktails. But before we all raise our red Solo cups in celebration, there’s a catch. The UMass Dining budget allowed for this project by dipping into regular dining hall funding, so expect to see a significant change in the quality of your meals at any of the four dining halls. Expect shortages of your favorite dishes, an increase in mystery meat, and guaranteed food poisoning. Is it worth it? We at The Brick think so, but only time will tell.
