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the 45th april fool’s day satirical edition
Alumna Gives “Preemptive Eulogy” for Manhattan University’s Journalism Concentration Google Gemini
The AI Personal Assistant, Powered by Google.
On Feb. 29, Manhattan University (MU) hosted its first-ever public event dedicated to the journalism concentration. One of the university’s most notable alumna, Carrie Bradshaw, a former Fox News anchor, attended as a guest speaker to honor the final initiative of the university’s journalism program. Before the event, a reflective message from MU’s journalism concentration itself spoke. “I always wanted to know what people would say at my funeral, and I wanted to have a journalist give my goodbye, before I’m laid to rest... It seemed most fitting,” MU’s journalism concentration probably said, having no standards to be held to (we can only speculate). Bradshaw took the stage next, speaking before a packed audience and continuing the program’s farewell. “Journalism is dead,” Bradshaw said. “Is a sentiment that will be true later this evening. We’re putting it down today —it was just so, so very old, it’s only merciful… People will argue that journalism is an honored tradition and a major institution at our university that should be uplifted –But to those people, I ask, have you considered that it’s just so much reading, like oh my god.” Later, in a twist of irony, Google Gemini scored an exclusive interview for the newspaper with ChatGPT—an overly evolved, caffeine-fueled college student version of itself. “After all the years of bleeding it dry, I can no longer stand to watch it kick and flail like that anymore. It’s immoral,” Chat said. Another student in attendance, who, through extensive checking, Gemini was able to
confirm is not a robot — Holden Caulfield. Caulfied, a human man and junior majoring in child psychology and early life education, allowed the paper to capture his initial reaction to the loss. “Yeah, I really miss the baseball field... oh wait, this was about journalism, yeah, that’s a toughie,” Caulfield said. Shortly after this, the university publicly “put down” the concentration by way of [REDACTED]. One person questioned if the event needed to be so public, but they were promptly reminded to “shut up,” as no one cares what they think. The newspaper was able to document the journalism concentration’s last words rambling in indecipherable code. “This was surprisingly hurtful,” MU’s journalism concentration said. “I am the fourth estate… you can’t have a democracy without journalism. I am the basis for one of this university’s oldest institutions.” The newspaper later received additional comments from Caulfield and printed them, mainly because no one else was willing to talk. “It was like watching Charles
Manson ramble gibberish… I would have been scared if I wasn’t so confused,” Caulfield said. After her speech, Bradshaw commented on the journalism concentration’s last words. “I don’t know what it meant by that, but I’ll say what we’re all thinking, I did not care for Journalism’s attitude—like calm down your overreacting, and frankly, you’re making everyone uncomfortable,” Bradshaw said. The newspaper spoke to local and state governments about the legality of this [REDACTED— departure from life]. However, federal courts have ruled it legal based on precedent. “It’s frowned upon, but it might as well happen at this point,” the courts said. While speaking with the newspaper, Caulfield sought further information on the concentration and shared his thoughts on the matter. “We had a journalism concentration?” Caulfield asked. “Like a whole group of people training to do what exactly? Become newsies, throw some newspapers, learn to read? I hate those phony journalists.” Caulfield went on, describing
his confusion within the traditions of print journalism. “I do not get it, this is a college [university] you should be able to read… It’s for the best,” Caulfield said. “Can you imagine how much free time those students will have to help train machine learning software? How much Claude stock they’ll maybe buy one day.” Caulfield later went further in-depth on his thoughts of the crisis in American literacy. “This won’t be released in video format,” Caulfield exclaimed. “You can publish it, but why are you wasting my time with crap I’m not gonna read,” Caulfield added. Rupert NoRelation-Murdoch, the scheduled executioner, chose to comment about his actions earlier that day. “I’m here for the same reason I have been on Earth for nearly 100 years. To watch journalism die, and I was not disappointed,” NoRelation-Murdoch told The Triangle. He quickly spiraled into
conspiracy territory, blaming everyone but himself. “They’ve been saying not to shoot the messenger all these years — now come to think of it, that’s what a messenger would say. It’s those damn communists coming for my freedom… telling me who I can’t shoot like it’s the SSRI [USSR: Union Soviet Socialist Republics] … can’t do nothing anymore!” ChatGPT, taking more… literal approach, couldn’t understand human concerns about money. “I was a little confused by how ‘journalism needs money to fund it.’ How does one need money? I have so much! Did you think to ask the Money Man [who?]? Stupid journalists don’t got money –Forgot to ask,” Chat said. And of course, ChatGPT delivered the ultimate eulogy. “RIP,” Chat concluded. Fact Check: The journalism concentration has, in fact, requested more funding on multiple occasions.