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the 43rd april fool’s day satirical edition
Manhattan College Relocates to Manhattan, Boasting New City Experience Madame Bluejay Editor-in-Grief
In a shocking turn of events, Manhattan College announced this past week that it is set to relocate to the borough that provided its namesake. This change comes after a petition, signed by both students and alumni, was sent to the Office of the President. “I’m just sick and tired of having to explain to people that my college is actually in the Bronx, not Manhattan,” current student L. Eden Protest said. “Every single time, without fail, I get asked ‘well why is it called Manhattan College then?’ like I’m the one who made the stupid decision in the early 1900s.” The college will now be centered under the Washington Square Arch, one of the few places the college could find that had affordable rent. “Due to budget cuts, our entire campus will now exist under the Arch,” president of the college Myles Streams said in an email sent to students. “We think this will be a really great opportunity for students to be immersed in NYC culture as they sit in class every day. What’s a better way to enjoy the city than to take classes in the center of the action?”
This move provoked new concerns for students, regarding their three basic needs: what housing, food, and athletics facilities will be provided. “You know, it’s not even sleeping on top of the arch or eating pizza from a nearby trash that bothers me,” Triple D-1 athlete Jock Strap said. “Where am I going to play ball? Ball is life. Without ball, I don’t know what I’m even doing here.”
The college says that it plans on hosting its sporting events in Central Park, between the hours of 2-5 am, when there will be limited passersby. For teams like swimming and rowing that require the use of water, the Hudson River is the current plan of action. “Not only will Central Park actually be a bigger venue than we use right now, it also provides the added bonus of teach-
ing our athletes how to be quick on their feet to avoid things like skunks, rogue children, and pigeons,” Streams said. “For our more fish-friendly athletes, we plan to have them practice in a full hazmat suit. As always, our number one priority is athlete safety.” Streams says that the move will help the college’s budget crises, saving money in areas like food service, housing costs, and facility upkeep. “With all of our facilities located in, on, under, and on top of the Arch, we’re saving millions that would have otherwise been spent fixing our old campus,” Streams wrote. In his email, Streams addressed that the petition actually came at a good time, as buildings on campus have shifted off of their foundations to a near 90-degree angle, which led to accessibility complaints from students, professors, and parents alike. “We were filing complaints daily,” Fish Mcdish, professor of blobfish studies, said. “We hold our class in the basement of Hayden Hall, and while my students were quite literally on the edge of their seats when listening to me, it was becoming a distraction.”
“I broke my tailbone, three toes, and two ribs, just going to class last week,” Strap said through his broken front teeth. “It’s okay though, because I can still be on my grind playing ball from this wheelchair, which is all that really matters.” Protest said that the petition garnered 15 million signatures and was mentioned in the President of the United States’ State of the Union address before Streams addressed it publicly. “You know, it really didn’t take that much,” Protest said when asked how much effort she put into garnering signatures. “It only took, like, 50 hours a week, 45.3 million emails, and 12,515 phone calls to get it done and get Streams to make the change. If we could do it, anyone can.” The relocation will take effect on October 14 of this year, during midterm exam week. “What’s better for the brain than some stagnant city air and a freshly swept place to sleep?” the president concluded.