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YOUR STIMULUS CHECK
the 44th april fool’s day satirical edition
Flying Red Bull Mascot Injures Brother Jasper on Campus The Energizer Bunny Addicted to Caffeine
Members of the Manhattan University community were met with a gruesome sight on their Tuesday morning commute to class as an injured Brother Jasper laid helpless on the quad after being bodyslammed into the ground by none other than Red the Bull, the infamous energy drink mascot. The Bull was seen flying overhead just minutes before the attack, spinning in circles as though chasing his own tail in mid-air. “I just wanted to give him wings,” Red the Bull told The Triangle at the scene of the crime. “I didn’t realize his shoulder blades would give out.” Red the Bull, with wellknown nicknames varying from “Red” to “The Bull” to “that dude”, attempted the on-campus stunt in hopes of pursuing a collab between the two. “His Instagram be poppin,” Red said. “I just wanted to get in on that. Anything to advance the brand. I wasn’t expecting
anything like this to happen.” Red the Bull, who crashed into Brother Jasper harder than expected due to a wing failure,
admitted to The Triangle upon further self-reflection that his wings have been problematic in recent months.
“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to see someone about that,” Red admitted. “Sometimes they’ll just give out and stop flapping. It seems to happen when I stop thinking about flying.” The Bull continued, “Other times, they can get stuck together. Just like you put gas in the car, I gotta gas up the wings with that sweet carbonated elixir. Unfortunately, its stickiness can get in the way.” In an attempt to heal Brother Jasper’s wounds, Red spouted campus’s favorite energy drink over the entire quad. Unfortunately, this only caused Brother Jasper’s robes to become fused to the grass. First responders were only able to tend to MU’s mascot after digging up the grass he was stuck to. The sight drew the attention of quite a few bystanders. “I used to be a big fan of The Bull, both his drink and his wingspan,” Caffy McAddicted said. “Now, I’m not sure how I feel. I mean, Brother Jasper, that’s our bro. Messing with him is not cool man.” The Jasper Dancers, witnessing the horror take
place mid-impromptu performance on the quad, were the first to rush to the icon’s aid, using their poms as makeshift bandages while they hovered over, gently singing the University’s age-old fight song. “We just wanted to try to calm him down,” captain Jazzy Sideline said. “He once told us his mom used to sing the song in his childhood to lull him to sleep. We thought it might be calming.” The Triangle, after paying off an EMT to mic up Brother Jasper during transport, was able to clip a statement. “I just wanna fly,” Brother Jasper mumbled as he was wheeled off the quad. Upon speaking to first responders, it is believed that Brother Jasper will make a full recovery from his injuries, including a sprained right eyeball, purple left pinky toenail and exposed funny bone. As for Red the Bull, “the dude” has been banned from campus for the next 785,379 years, or until MU becomes profitable again – whichever comes first.