December 2022
Multnomah
Lawyers associated for justice, service, professionalism, education and leadership for our members and our community
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Est. 1906
Negotiating Tips for Parent Lawyers: Time Outs Aren’t Only for Toddlers by Victoria Blachly MBF President
Author Victoria Blachly, seen here with her law partner, MBA President Tim Resch, enjoys sharing war stories about parenting and lawyering
After my daughter was born and I joined that magical/terrifying club of Being A Parent, after my body healed from being sawed open to bring an alien invader into this world, and after my husband and I adjusted to sleeping very little and worrying more often than not, I was ready to reenter the legal workforce and charge into the arena as the fierce gladiator litigator that I was born to be. But becoming a parent changes you - hopefully more for the better than for the worse. Accordingly, I now offer three tips for taking the skills and knowledge learned as a parent and transferring them to being a litigator or negotiator.
Tip #1: Time Outs Aren’t Only for Toddlers Even if you have not experienced it with children of your own, you have all seen a toddler meltdown from being over-tired, overstimulated or just over it. When you think of the rate of physical and mental growth a child goes through, from birth through that irreverent stage of being a toddler, it is biologically astounding, so it should surprise nobody if it all becomes too much. Engaging with a toddler during a tantrum helps nothing because whatever communication the parent is trying to convey is not getting through to the toddler. Responding with a calm tone and refusing to engage and escalate is usually the best option (one time I even laughed at my child and walked out of the room while stating, “Good luck with that approach.”). Similarly, opposing counsel is not immune from becoming cranky and petulant. When an attorney is coming at you with unjustified fire and fury, it is highly unlikely that meeting that energy with even greater fire and fury ...opposing counsel will produce anything productive. is not immune from Some may think the power play would be to bark louder, but the true becoming cranky and power play is to speak softly and petulant. potentially even disengage entirely, until the tantrum has passed. Just please do not also throw in, “Maybe somebody needs a nap,” because I suspect that will not land well. Tip #2: Use Your Words and Name Your Emotions As children grow and navigate new feelings like vulnerability, anxiety or glee, it can become overwhelming. Helping children verbalize what they are feeling and naming the emotion is a great way to parent.
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Emotions drive actions in children and our jobs as a parent include trying to decipher what emotion may be behind the destructive behavior. This detective work as a parent also transfers nicely into being a lawyer, searching for motivations to aid in negotiations or trial work. In depositions or negotiations, getting behind the emotion is a useful tool. But do not let your own emotions drive you to the point where you are making demands simply because you can. Every parent has said it. Regardless of your pre-parent promise that you will be better than that and more reasonable than that, you will say it. Every parent will respond to a whining, infuriating child with words to the effect of, “Because I’m your mom/dad and I said so!” Tossing out those words, with the knowledge you wield an undeniable power of biological supremacy can feel oh so sweet, but it is never effective. When your temper eases and you realize the ineffectiveness of the argument, it’s best to revisit the topic and actually talk about what each side was trying to discuss. Similarly, You can only if you hear opposing counsel or your negotiate with own voice use words of similar ultimate authority, take a step back and realize you reasonable people. should create better strategies. If you use, “This is our final offer” too early in the negotiating process, you may not have really advanced your case. If your opening settlement offer is your best day in court, or even better than your best day in court, that comes across as the equivalent of “Because I said so” and will not encourage the other side to take you seriously. Tip #3: Negotiations Don’t Have to be Linear My daughter was probably five when she dumped a large pile of tiny pieces of toys onto the floor, looking up at me defiantly. Since we were in the process of cleaning up her room, this was not my favorite move. After asking her to pick it up and her dragging the process out, I offered her a financial bribe to quickly clean up the mess. As she had experienced that she was not going to get everything she ever asked for at a store, she had already learned that she could use her own, limited, funds to make her own purchases. That conversation usually resulted in her deciding she did not want what she had been pleading for, so I knew she appreciated the value of money at an early age. Accordingly, when I offered her 50 cents to pick up her mess, she was intrigued. As a litigator’s child, she countered my offer with one dollar. When I responded that it was ok that we were negotiating, but when you negotiate, it doesn’t always go your way, I then offered her 25 cents, going backwards in the negotiation process. She quickly calculated that was not the way she wanted things to go and retracted her counteroffer and we settled on 50 cents. Negotiations with your children or your case do not always have to proceed in a linear fashion. However, Victoria’s daughter testing her skills as a one of my personal cutthroat negotiator mantras, which I share with every single client is, “You can only negotiate with reasonable people.” If your child is being unreasonable, sometimes you need to stop the quarrelling or negotiating and implement a consequence. If opposing counsel is being unreasonable (hopefully it is their client and not them being unreasonable), then negotiations may need to simply stop, with consequences being the focus. With the fiduciary litigation I do and the difficult family battles it often involves, sometimes you just need a judge to resolve the conflict with a ruling and a consequence. As they say, “I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make, so I became a mom/dad/lawyer.”
December 2022 Volume 68, Number 11
mba CLE
Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the MBA will be offering all seminars ONLINE ONLY unless otherwise listed. To register for a CLE seminar, please see p. 3 or visit www.mbabar.org/cle and input your OSB number to register at the member rate.
DECEMBER 12.1 Thursday Corporations are People, My Friend: Corporate Law and Structure in Litigation Judge Benjamin Souede Peter Hawkes 12.6 Tuesday Mandatory Elder and Child Abuse Reporting Linn Davis 12.9 Friday Presiding Court Update Judge Judith Matarazzo Free registration at www.bit.ly/presiding-update
JANUARY 1.19 Thursday Young Litigators Forum Series begins with Courtroom Nuts and Bolts Judge Adrian L. Brown Judge Eric L. Dahlin See insert for details 1.24 Tuesday Annual Probate Update Judge Patrick Henry Judge Thomas Rastetter Judge Janelle Wipper Bryan Marsh 1.25 Wednesday Landlord/Tenant Law Update Emily Rena-Dozier Troy Pickard
In This Issue Calendar ������������������������������������������ 2 CLE �������������������������������������������������� 3 Announcements ������������������������������� 5 Ethics Focus ������������������������������������� 5 Around the Bar ��������������������������������� 6 The Corner Office ������������������������������ 9 News From the Court ���������������������� 10 Tips From the Bench ����������������������� 10 Profile: Referee Matthew Leady ������� 11 YLS �������������������������������������������������12 Pro Bono Thanks �����������������������������15 Classifieds ��������������������������������������16
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