Assertiveness training chase hill by maria.bliss446

Assertiveness Training Chase Hill

Visit to download the full and correct content document: https://ebookmass.com/product/assertiveness-training-chase-hill/

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

HOW TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE, AND IMPROVE ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS CHASE HILL

The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated or transmitted without direct written permission from the author or the publisher.

Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary loss due to the information contained within this book. Either directly or indirectly.

Legal Notice:

This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use. You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher.

Disclaimer Notice:

Please note the information contained within this document is for educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, and reliable, complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any techniques outlined in this book.

By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, which are incurred as a result of the use of information contained within this document, including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.

Your Free Say No Checklist

Introduction

Chapter 1: What is Assertiveness and Why is It so Difficult for Me?

Chapter 2: Building a Solid Foundation

Chapter 3: Self-Awareness and Controlling Your Emotions and Your Mind

Chapter 4: Boosting Your Confidence

Chapter 5: What Habits and Practices Can We Change in Our Lives to Be More Assertive?

Chapter 6: Assertiveness – Your Words and Your Actions

Chapter 7: Learning How to Be Assertive in Our Personal Relationships

Chapter 8: Being Assertive in Your Career, Regardless of Your Role

Chapter 9: Knowing When and How to Speak Up for Yourself

Chapter 10: Balance Is the Key

Chapter 11: Learning How to Handle the Various Types of Treatment from Others

Chapter 12: Conflict Resolution

Chapter 13: Assertiveness in the Real World

Chapter 14: The Importance of Assertiveness and Respect

Chapter 15: How to Help Your Loved Ones Assert Themselves

Chapter 16: Assertiveness Training. Your Step-by-Step Action Plan for Asserting Yourself in 21 Days

Conclusion

References

YOUR FREE SAY NO CHECKLIST

DON’T LET THE PEOPLE PLEASING TRAP YOU AGAIN...

I’d like to give you a gift as a way of saying thanks for your purchase!

This checklist includes:

8 steps to start saying no.

12 must-dos to stop feeling guilty.

9 healthy ways to say no.

The last thing we want is for your mood to be ruined because you weren’t prepared.

To receive your Say No Checklist, visit the link: www.chasehillbooks.com

If you have any difficulty downloading the checklist, contact me at chase@chasehillbooks.com , and I’ll send you a copy as soon as possible.

INTRODUCTION

Sitting through one of my university lectures almost two decades ago, I couldn’t figure out why there weren’t more subjects in life skills.

Did I really need to know the ins and outs of civil wars? Was this going to help me learn anything about myself? Would memorizing dates to pass an exam teach me to stand up for myself or help me learn to become more confident?

While struggling to memorize factual information, we were never taught vital skills that would allow us to successfully communicate and assert ourselves in the real world.

A degree or qualifications will only take you so far in life. Once you have a job or start a new relationship, it is not easy learning how to communicate in an effective way. This is something I and so many others have struggled with, which is the healthy balance between being too passive and too aggressive.

Being assertive is not a skill we are all born with. When you add this on to a shy personality, it becomes impossible to stand up for ourselves in everyday situations. Gradually, we become more and more worn down until there are significant mental and even physical health problems. We can’t continue in a life that is dominated by making other people happy instead of ourselves.

You have spent your life listening to throw around comments like “You need to be more confident” or “Go out and get what you want.” Anybody who suffers from a lack of assertiveness knows that this is far from easy.

Our timid personalities lead people to think that we are lacking intelligence, whether practical or emotional. On the contrary, we are smart, hard-working, and highly skillful. Yet it’s those that know how to assert themselves that seem to get all the glory.

The other side of the coin is that we worry our assertiveness is going to cause others pain. I feared saying no to people because I worried they would be upset or disappointed. You stop living your life and end up feeling like a vessel for other people to use as they wish, obliged to work overtime, or sit through dreaded family dinners. It is impossible for us to show our true emotions as we are terrified of how others will react. We spend years walking on eggshells.

I spent at least ten years living like this. I was passive, and I was unable to strive for what I really wanted. I constantly said yes to things that would make others happy and didn’t have a life of my own. I drifted through life with a fake passion, telling myself that I was a good person.

What hurt the most was when my brother asked his friend to be his best man over me. Unable to express how I really felt, he simply said, “I knew you would be alright with it,” and this was the moment I knew I had to make a change. My mind raced back to university and the lack of classes that taught assertiveness, so I became passionate about learning this skill.

This book is a combination of knowledge, exercises, and proven skills for you to start using straight away to see noticeable differences in your life. We are going to work together on understanding some of our most frequent problems surrounding assertiveness.

Experience tells us that it is our lack of confidence, fear of rejection, and guilt that prevent us from being more assertive. However, we won’t play the blame game and lay fault on why standing up for ourselves is difficult. Instead, we will look at psychological reasons, but more importantly, focus on the solution.

The need to express how we feel is not limited to just one area of our lives. For this reason, it is important to dedicate time to practical advice for a whole range of situations and relationship dynamics. I am fascinated by behavioral types, and I strongly feel that understanding more about human behavior will also help you to understand the changes that you need to make.

Regardless of whether you consider life to be short or long, it is here to be enjoyed. My hope is that everyone can read this book and start to experience the joy in their lives, be that in your career, your personal relationships, or how you view the world.

We will learn how to set boundaries within our different relationships so that it becomes easier to say no. Everyone deserves the right to express themselves and to be happy, and this is what our goal will be.

Society today seems to be confused about assertiveness and this sends us mixed messages. One minute we should keep our opinions to ourselves so as not to rock the boat, the next we are told that being assertive is necessary to get what we want.

The problem is, finding the balance between being passive and being aggressive is something that we have to learn ourselves, and it’s okay to need some help in this area. After all, it can be rather complex.

I have been in your shoes, and I know the change is not easy. This is why I feel it is so important to share my experiences. The day I watched my brother getting married, knowing that I should have been by his side, was the last day of my old life.

I studied, I practiced, and although there were some terrifying experiences, there were also some extraordinary rewards that you too will be able to experience.

Learning is great, but when you are then able to share the knowledge with others, the gratification is tenfold. Which leads me to today. As a life coach, I have been lucky to help hundreds of others to become more assertive without losing their ability to be nice.

I have worked with business people, both men and women, retired people, students, single moms, househusbands, and everyone in between. Thanks to these people, I have gained more insight into the different situations where being assertive has been necessary. While exploring different personality types, I have been able to put together an effective set of changes that bring forth positive results.

If you are reading this, you have realized that a change is necessary. Let’s take the first step by getting a better understanding of assertiveness.

CHAPTER 1: WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS AND WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR ME?

Let’s start on a positive note. We tend to look at people and see assertiveness as a gift. We envy those who are able to assert themselves and wish we could do the same. Our lack of confidence leads us to feel like it is something that we can’t achieve. Assertiveness is a skill, and just like all of the great skills you already possess, you can learn this one.

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself or other people in a calm, positive way without being aggressive or upsetting others. Assertive people express their thoughts and feelings in an appropriate andrespectfulmanner .

For those who have people pleasing tendencies, who are shy, quiet, or passive, learning how to be assertive is an essential skill that will allow you to communicate with your friends, family, and colleagues in a more productive way. You will no longer need to fear how the other person is going to react because assertiveness is not a bad thing. It’s actually a very good skill to have.

People who are assertive can act in their own best interests, and they don’t feel guilty or anxious about it. For those who have spent years putting other people’s needs and desires before their own, it is a significant change that has to be made, but it is important to

remember from here on in that you aren’t doing anything that is out of the ordinary.

Let’s look at an everyday example of how assertiveness should and shouldn’t look.

Sam and Jason are looking to redecorate their living room. Jason wants to paint it a dark blue, but Sam is worried that it would make the whole room look too small. Sam could turn around and say, “That’s a stupid idea, and we aren’t going to do that!” This would come across as aggressive. She is putting her foot down and not respecting Jason’s opinion.

The chances are, Jason is going to feel hurt by this abrupt response, and it might even make him feel angry. You may have had similar experiences when something that should be exciting turns into a fullblown argument.

If Sam had put her assertive skills into play, she would have politely said she wasn’t sure about that idea, and perhaps they could go to the store to look at paint samples. This would allow for some inspiration and maybe even an alternative solution.

On the other hand, if Jason had good assertive skills, he too would have been able to diffuse the situation and still get his point across.

It is very true that with the stress we deal with on a day to day basis, it is easy to lose our patience and appear aggressive. Sometimes it is even easier to be passive so as not to rock the boat. Neither of these extremes is good behavior, but they are both easy to correct when you have the right knowledge and tools.

Problems Associated with Not Being Assertive

We aren’t going to touch too much on the negatives here. If you are reading this book, then you are probably fully aware of how you are suffering. On the other hand, you could need a little guidance in recognizing that your problems stem from not asserting yourself.

In some cases, the lack of ability to stand up for yourself is because you are very timid and don’t feel you have the confidence to speak your mind. If you are a people pleaser, it is often from fear of the consequences for standing up for yourself. One client had a terrible experience saying no to their boss. The boss made a public scene, and this was mortifying for the client, so much so that they had to leave their job. It was a great challenge for this person to regain their confidence so they could start to be more assertive.

People pleasing also leads us to feel guilty for putting our needs or wishes ahead of somebody else. Your friend is busier than you are, so you have to schedule plans when they are free because it would help them out more. Wanting to do something when you are free would just be selfish, right!

When loved ones notice that you are unable to stand up for yourself and say what you actually want to say, it can be hard for them too. A friend at university would always say “I don’t mind” any time I asked him what we should do. Neither of us were ever able to make a decision because we were both constantly more concerned about the other person. The irony is that I was blinded by my own lack of assertiveness, and I was hurt that he didn’t feel confident to express how he felt.

Partners can get frustrated by the lack of assertiveness. In the beginning, it seems a great thing that they always get what they want, but a successful relationship requires both parties to be equally involved. I have seen relationships fail because one partner was always with their friends. The unassertive person doesn’t want to spend so much time with their friends. They feel obliged to do it, and therefore, their other relationships begin to suffer.

Some people can’t assert themselves because they feel as if they have a sense of duty or an obligation to others. We are seeing this more and more in today’s world with technology at our fingertips. The 9 to 5 concept doesn’t exist anymore as we feel like we have to reply to emails and messages as soon as they come in. This is

leading to ‘Work Stress’ which has far more dangerous consequences than we are aware of. Because we are too nice to say no or set our boundaries, we end up being constantly ‘on-call,’ a slave to our smartphones.

In many situations, when this behavior goes on for too long, we begin to feel overcome with anxiety and even depression. We can get swept into a vicious cycle of unhealthy habits and behaviors. We don’t eat properly or sleep well enough, and some people turn to alcohol or drugs. I know how soul-destroying this is, especially when all you want to be is a good person.

Why Is Being Assertive a Good Thing?

Over the years I have found that assertiveness has gained a bit of a bad reputation because people often go too far and come across as aggressive. In reality, being assertive is a healthy form of communication. Here are some of the benefits of asserting yourself and what we are going to work on throughout this book.

Being assertive allows you to:

Improve your self-confidence and self-esteem

Gain a better understanding of your feelings

Be respected

Enhance your communication skills

Discover compromise in situations

Make better decisions

Experience true, honest relationships

Lower your stress levels

Get more satisfaction from your career

One of the first things I had to learn was that being assertive wasn’t a bad thing when carried out correctly. Exploring our behavior and how people perceive us can be scary, and it isn’t something that is mastered overnight. It is necessary for us to begin by looking at the

differences in passive, aggressive, and assertive behaviors so that we can recognize these traits within ourselves.

Understanding the Difference Between Passive, Assertive, and Aggressive

Without sounding like a broken record, as we are never taught these skills, it can feel like we are walking an emotional tightrope. You carefully tread along a thin rope of assertiveness, but a slight imbalance and you’ll seem aggressive or passive.

Generally speaking, those who struggle to assert themselves are on the passive side. It is rare that we overstep that mark because our focus is on the feelings of others rather than getting what we want.

What Is Passive Behavior?

Passiveness comes from the need to be liked and that an individual is unable to see themselves as equal to others. Their hopes, desires, and needs are not as important as others. This results in people not expressing how they really feel because they either don’t see the value in their thoughts and opinions, or they see their thoughts and opinions as less significant.

It is an unconscious act but being passive means that other people are likely to make decisions for you. You may end up feeling like you aren’t in control of your own life. It may seem like a joke when friends and family try to set you up on dates, but the result is that everybody else is dictating your love life.

When something is asked of a passive person, they have a difficult time saying no despite being too busy. Their response may imply that they have no time, but the other person is unlikely to pick up on this. They only hear that their request has been accepted.

Let’s look at how a passive person would answer the question, “Can you cook dinner tonight?”

Their answer might be along the lines of, “Well, I was hoping to order Chinese tonight and watch a film because I am tired, but if I go to the supermarket, I can make a curry dish.”

In their hearts, they wanted to finish a long day at work, sit on the sofa, and relax. They have taken into consideration what the other person wants and sees this as more important than what they need. The passive person will further exhaust themselves to make the other person happy. An assertive response would be, “I can’t tonight because I am exhausted. I can do it tomorrow.”

One of the principal differences between the two answers is that an assertive person takes the time to analyze whether they are able to cook dinner, and they have responded based on their own needs and considering their other responsibilities.

Being passive runs the risk of people around you learning that you don’t say no. Whether this is at work or with your personal relationships, the situation won’t just suddenly stop. Instead, you become the go-to person for activities and tasks you don’t want to or aren’t able to do.

What is Aggressive Behavior?

We might assume aggressive behavior is limited to when people become angry or raise their voice. It can actually involve more acts than this. Interrupting other people when they are speaking, ignoring someone, or just telling someone what to do instead of asking them.

As the receiver of aggressive behavior, you might feel hurt, confused, or frightened. You may question why this person has reacted in this way and assume it is something you have done wrong.

Aggression normally leads to a breakdown in communication because the message is unclear. Anger and frustration could be the

only thing that you perceive rather than what the person is actually trying to say.

An aggressive person lacks the ability to praise others for things that have been done well. It is unlikely that you will get a thank you for your efforts. They won’t take the time to appreciate the sacrifices you make so that their wishes are fulfilled. It is common for people to misinterpret humor and sarcasm for what it may actually be— another form of aggression.

As we saw with Sam and Jason, Sam’s response was aggressive. But, for successful communication, we must look at both sides of the conversation. Jason may have the skills to assert himself. It is also possible that his response is aggressive or passive, leading to further miscommunication.

There will be a more detailed discussion on the passive and aggressive behavior later on in the book, where we take a closer look at how to recognize these types of behaviors and how to find your balance.

Mixed Signals

You may often hear of passive-aggressive behavior, which can also promote confusion and negative feelings. The term passiveaggressive is commonly misused, which is why not everyone is clear on the meaning. On top of this, in terms of culture, it can be rather ambiguous.

Passive-aggressive behavior is loosely defined as inaction when action is expected. Intentionally showing up late to a meeting or event, purposely forgetting things, or not working at your best levels would be examples of passive-aggression. It is a common behavior in the workplace and might come about because the person is struggling to express their emotions.

With regards to people pleasing, we may become passive-aggressive because we want to say no, but we say yes. As it is difficult to use

words to talk about how we are feeling, we can develop a negative attitude.

If you ask your boss a question and they don’t respond, they are acting in a passive-aggressive manner. This is not fair on you because you are unable to do your job well. Sarcasm is also a form of passive-aggressive behavior, which leads to the ambiguous part. Sometimes, sarcasm can be humorous, and we would call this a passive-aggressive act. When the sarcasm becomes continuous, it is then known as passive-aggressive behavior.

Some actions that used to be classed as passive-aggressive are now defined as covert aggression, and part of our learning will be on how to deal with such behavior. Covert aggression is the subtle things a person can do to get their own way. People who are covertly aggressive will manipulate and exploit you, which might be from flat out lying, playing the victim, or guilting you into doing something.

Like aggression, it is unlikely that this is a behavior you will often display. That’s not to say that those who can’t be assertive don’t get angry. Our need to say yes to everything is incredibly frustrating, and many times I have become angry with myself and the world. But as a people pleaser, I would never show others this side of me.

Why Is It so Difficult for Me to Assert Myself?

Remember, nobody is to blame here, and each individual may relate to one reason or another. Some people aren’t interested in looking deeper at their fear of assertiveness, and they just want to start learning practical skills. I can understand that.

Leaving high school and starting university, you are effectively an adult, but at the same time, you are still easily influenced by what society tells you is right or wrong. We see messages telling us to ask for what we want, but then the next week we are told to go out and take what you want in the world. This creates a mental battle— should I ask, or should I take? Do I assert myself or not?

When asking clients why they felt they weren’t able to assert themselves, I got some impressive answers. Many we have already touched on, for example, the guilt of putting yourself first, or the fear that we are going to hurt someone else’s feelings. Then there is the fear of not being liked by someone, not getting their approval, or worse, being rejected.

One person felt that she could never get it right. The fear of appearing aggressive was too much, and this kept her in her ‘passive bubble.’ Any time she tried to stand up for herself, she felt terrible, as if she was only causing herself more suffering. It only takes a couple of bad experiences and the fear of retaliation overcomes us.

I was fascinated by the number of people who didn’t want to create a scene and so just went along with the flow. They felt like in certain social situations it would be seen as uncool to make any kind of fuss. Others saw expressing their emotions as a sign of weakness, that today we all need to be strong and there is no room for anxiety or stress.

A lack of assertiveness isn’t like a cold or the flu. You don’t just wake up one morning and have it. This is a learned behavior that may go as far back as your childhood. It is natural for a child to want to make their parents happy. When they receive approval and love for good behavior, they will continue down this path. So, fear of rejection begins. We do all that we can to make sure those around us are happy and that we aren’t punished. This is probably not enough by itself.

It’s when other factors combine with this that we start to notice a problem. If you add a very shy personality, you can see how it starts to develop into a more serious issue. Bad experiences expressing yourself can lower your confidence to such a level that you become passive.

You might have had a bad relationship with a dominant partner and, during this time, learned that your opinions don’t count and that

your needs come last. It can also stem from emotional turmoil or trauma—losing a loved one, divorce, or physical abuse.

That what we fear or makes us anxious isn’t going to simply disappear once we put our finger on it. I’m not going to tell you that when you learn to accept your fear of rejection, you will be able to control it. It’s a little too simplistic for the complexities of psychology. On the other hand, being aware of why you personally fear being assertive will help you to learn which techniques will assist you.

Before we begin to look at dealing with our negative emotions, I would like you to become an observer. Just spend a day or two watching people in various situations and see how they assert themselves. It could be your parents, your colleagues, people in a restaurant, absolutely anywhere. Try to recognize some of the passive, aggressive, and assertive behaviors we have mentioned in this chapter.

CHAPTER 2: BUILDING A SOLID FOUNDATION

Regardless of the type of thing we would like to improve within ourselves, it is necessary to tap away at the layers of our past and to begin by creating a solid foundation of the future we would like to create for ourselves.

While some people like to get to the roots of their issues (as we mentioned in the previous chapter), others like to begin with a fresh start, a clean canvas to work on. As much as we would love to jump straight into being more assertive, our foundations actually include learning how to deal with our fears and anxieties.

Fear and anxiety are two of the most common feelings that arise when we consider being assertive. Although they are linked in some ways, fear and anxiety are not the same.

Fear is a more specific danger we perceive. Anxiety isn’t attached to an object or situation; it is more general. When anxiety comes linked to a specific circumstance, it becomes a fear. Anxiety may arise because of other feelings like mental conflict, shyness, doubt, even boredom. When we experience fear, the fight or flight instinct kicks in.

The idea of speaking in front of a crowd will make many people anxious, but while it is only a thought, there is no imminent danger to cause fear. When you are standing on a stage about to speak to

the crowd, fear will overwhelm a person. Some strategies for dealing with fear and anxiety will be the same, for example, deep breathing. This chapter is going to separate how we cope with fear and anxiety when we are learning to become more assertive.

Fears that Arise When Being Assertive

We aren’t going to make the wrong assumption that we all fear the same things. Some people might be able to relate to one or several of the fears we are going to discuss. It is also perfectly normal if you have unique fears regarding assertiveness. Some of the more frequent fears related to asserting yourself include:

● There is a strong fear that the other person will become angry, and in some cases, this includes fearing that the other person will become physically violent. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have experienced anger or violence in your past. The person you need to be assertive with may have shown aggressive behavior in the past.

● It is not just the fear of an angry response. The idea that the person in the conversation will not take no for an answer is also scary. We are scared that the other person will not take no for an answer and we will be left having to back down or trying to assert ourselves again.

● You might fear the idea of disappointing the other person. It reminds me of when your parents shouted at you as a kid and you sulked a bit, but nothing hurt more than when they said they were disappointed in you. For some, even the disappointing look is enough to paralyze a person in fear.

● If you have people pleasing traits, the act of not being nice is terrifying. Unintentionally, we still confuse saying no with being mean or that it is going to hurt the other person’s feelings. This is something very hard to overcome because being a nice person is a good thing. The fear of being mean means to be replaced with knowing that you can assert yourself and still be nice.

● In social situations, there could be a fear of humiliation and embarrassment. Many times, we don’t feel like our beliefs or opinions carry the same weight as everybody else’s. The conversation may move to the next election or a new medical study. You have read about the subject, but you fear joining in with the conversation in case others laugh at what you say.

● Fear of rejection is something that all of us need to learn how to cope with at some point in our lives. Normally, this experience is something that we go through during high school. There is a massive need to be accepted in social groups, more so in those early years. Toward the end of these critical years, we start to learn more about ourselves and the friends we want to keep. Not being accepted into certain groups becomes less painful. For people pleasers and the nonassertive, the fear of rejection stays with us as it is linked to the need to be liked.

All of these situations and others are because we are facing danger. We have come to the moment when we need to be assertive. It might be that you are just about to start the conversation and you can feel your legs begin to shake and the color draining from your face.

Why Do We Feel Anxious about Being Assertive?

Our anxious state is due to the contemplation of being assertive. It might start the day before an important conversation or even weeks. Some people live constantly anxious because of the idea of situations that may require assertiveness. It’s not to say this feeling is unwarranted and should be dismissed as something we are making up in our minds. Nevertheless, unlike fear, the situation isn’t present.

Being anxious is when you go to a restaurant and worry about having to return your food when you haven’t even ordered. There is a possibility that you will have to return the food, but only when you reach that moment does the anxiety become fear.

Essentially, every event or situation that can cause us to feel fear will also cause us to feel anxious. Psychologists call anxiety a fear-based condition. It is exhausting because it is a constant worry of what might happen, and this is why it can lead to many other health issues.

How to Handle Fear When Being Assertive

When you start to feel the fear building up within you, it is worth concentrating on the following points:

1. Everyone has fears. Fears are one of the basic instincts that we rely on for survival and protection. You could try to logically rationalize it, or you could accept the fact that fears are normal. Rather than focusing efforts to overcome fears, it is more important to learn not to be overcome by them.

2. Use visualization techniques to imagine yourself being assertive without fear. Visualization involves retraining your brain with positive imagery. With great conviction, imagine yourself successfully facing your fears. Take in the sounds and smells you also imagine. By repeating this visual image, you are teaching your brain a new way of thinking.

3. Confront your fear of being assertive as soon as possible. If you know you need to reply to your boss’s request, then don’t put it off. Otherwise your feelings of anxiety will only increase.

4. Consider the worst-case scenario. It might sound like it contradicts visualizing yourself as assertive; however, if you think about the worst that could happen, it can put things into perspective. If the other person reacts negatively, it is because they lack communication skills. The worst-case scenario for you is that you need to continue working on yours. It’s not that your fears are unjustified, just that the extent might not justify the situation.

5. Keep sight of your motivation. If you need to say no to working overtime, imagine what you will be doing instead. Have you been

looking forward to that gym session or the romantic dinner with your partner? Focus on this positive event rather than the fear of the situation.

And the big one:

6. Face your fear. So many clients tell me that this is the hardest part, and I found it helps to understand the science behind this. Studies have shown that exposure to fears gradually alters neuronal activity. Mice were put into a box and received a small shock. The second time they were put in the box, they froze in fear. Over time, and without receiving shocks, the mice became relaxed again once in the box. The same thing happens to us. When we begin to face our fear, it gradually becomes easier.

The trick is to start. When you use the advice in points one to five, you will begin to notice number six taking effect.

Learning to Manage Anxiety

Because anxiety occurs on a more frequent, continuous basis, one of the best ways to learn how to manage it is to make small lifestyle changes. As anxiety can stem from worrying about things that may happen, it is useful to create a strong routine in your life. Knowing what is coming up in your daily schedule helps you to be more prepared and less anxious. Two of the most crucial parts of your routine should be:

1. Regular meals. When we skip meals, our blood sugar levels drop and our body releases cortisol, the stress hormone. A little bit of cortisol is good because you may perform better under pressure, but if you are an anxious person, you will end up feeling worse.

2. Sleep. Our anxiety increases without sleep. Sleep is a challenge in itself when you are full of anxiety, but it will become easier if you develop a relaxing evening routine. Stay away from caffeine, go to bed at the same time each evening, and exchange the electronic device for a book.

Other methods to effectively cope and even reduce the anxiety you face include:

· Start doing some exercise to increase the serotonin and endorphins in your body. The increase in oxygen in your blood will also help you to concentrate more. It doesn’t have to be a full-on workout in the gym. It could be a brisk walk in nature, dancing to your favorite songs, or yoga. I am a big fan of Exergames, video games that are exercise because there is such a wide range, and I can fit them into my morning routine, whether it’s ten minutes or an hour.

· Greatly reduce the amount of caffeine you take in. Caffeine increases the heart rate which can lead to anxiety attacks. Start by reducing your caffeinated drinks and explore others that you might like. Water, green tea, and Valerian root tea are known to reduce anxiety.

· Understand your triggers. As with fears, each person’s anxiety will be triggered by different things, and more specifically people, when being assertive. I have even noticed that certain smells and songs can trigger anxiety. Try to eliminate the sources of your anxiety when possible. If a colleague makes you feel stressed, steer clear of them unless it is for work-related matters.

· Change your activity. Take a moment to breathe when your anxiety starts to rise—don’t fight it. After a short moment of accepting your emotions, change your activity. If you have been sitting at your desk, walk away from it for a change of scenery. If you were watching the news, switch to music.

· Keep your mind active. If a change of activity wasn’t enough, choose an activity that engages the brain. When anxiety begins to rise up, it can start to overthink and add to the negative feelings if your mind isn’t engaged in an activity.

Keep your mind active by eating food that stimulates your brain. Draw, even if you are just doodling. Have a small selection of ‘brain

games’ on your phone. Sudoku requires concentration, Prune is a gardening game that lets you cut tree limbs and create a tidy space, and Headspace is a mindfulness and meditation app.

Changing your habits will help to reduce anxiety because the brain is actively participating in other tasks.

Negative Beliefs: Cognitive Distortions

The negative experiences we have had while trying to be assertive remains in our mind and reinforces our bad and negative feelings.

Now, we can learn from all of our bad feelings, but it is necessary that we don’t allow these feelings to become stuck with us, and a part of who we are. It’s the self-fulfilling prophecy, “I have never been able to assert myself and therefore I never will.” The following are things we can do to prevent these thought patterns.

· Identify the thoughts that bring about your anxiety.

· View the situation from different points of view, consider all angles and explanations, remove your emotions, and look at the evidence.

· Talk to yourself the same way you would with your friends. You don’t tell your friends that they are going to do badly on an exam, so you shouldn’t speak to yourself in the same way.

· Check the rationality of your thoughts with others. This is great for social situations and meeting new people when you want to come across as assertive but are convinced it will go wrong. Talk to friends and family about the experiences they have had in new social settings.

· Re-attribution. Instead of blaming ourselves for everything that has gone wrong, re-attribution involves analyzing situations and seeing who or what else played a role in the past negative experience. It’s not the same as blaming others, it is making sure that you are not the only one to take responsibility for things that didn’t quite work out.

· The pros and cons of your negative belief. It sounds rather basic but writing a list of the pros of feeling this way and another list of the cons, you will have a visual tool that shows you’re the result of your thoughts.

· Be careful of clairvoyant behaviors. I have plenty of clients who would never dream of going to see a fortune teller. Nevertheless, their cognitive distortion leads them to feel they can predict a negative future. The same can be said for reading minds and making assumptions on what a person is thinking based on past experiences.

· Avoid selective abstraction. This is when we remember past experiences but only see the negative things that happened rather than the positive parts. When looking back at your attempts at being assertive, find a positive in each of them. It might be that you practiced a technique that you know doesn’t work for you, or you discovered another boundary you are not comfortable with.

Becoming the Master of Your Inner Game

Your inner game can be seen as various different things, but principally, it is the internal battle that you have with yourself, your doubts, and your fears. It’s your opinions of yourself, your confidence.

While your inner game can be related to any aspect of your life, romance, career, wealth, etc., it is how we play our inner game with regards to our assertiveness that counts today.

We can divide our inner game into four sections: take ownership, use “I” statements, keep things simple and be direct, and don’t lead with a compromise.

Take Ownership

Take ownership of the message you want to say. Know what you want to say and how you are going to say it. If you want to tell somebody that you feel hurt because they don’t respect your no,

plan the words you want to use. Decide when the right time is to say it and even where you should be.

The message that you want to get across is yours to own, so you decide what is best to say and when. When we start to become more assertive, we are able to take ownership of our own lives.

Use “I” statements

The importance of “I” statements can never be underestimated. “I” statements show others that you take responsibility for your feelings. It shows that you feel strongly about a certain issue and at the same time, it reduces the likelihood of others taking your statement personally. Though the meaning of the following two sentences is the same, the receiver of the message can interpret them very differently. “You make me feel weak when you don’t listen to me” puts blame on the other person. “I feel weak when you don’t listen to me” is how we take responsibility for our own emotions.

Keep Things Simple and Be Direct

Have you ever noticed that when you keep talking (especially when you are nervous) it is impossible to stop? All of a sudden, your original message is lost in a sea of other words and ideas. Your message hasn’t been communicated clearly. Not only this, but it gives the other person time to think of a response to your no. Here are some examples of how to be simple and direct:

● No, thank you

● I’m busy later

● I don’t feel like it

● That’s not good for me

Don’t Lead with a Compromise

By leading with a compromise, you are letting the other person know there is wiggle room and they haven’t heard no. If they don’t

hear a no, they will assume that it is a yes. Offering a compromise is a great way to make sure that things get done and problems are solved, but the compromise comes at the end of your message.

While there are still numerous other emotions that arise when learning how to be assertive, fear and anxiety are the two that tend to hold us back from trying. In the next chapter, we will look at being aware of our emotions and how to handle issues like overthinking and feeling guilty.

CHAPTER 3: SELF-AWARENESS AND CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS AND YOUR MIND

The funny thing about self-awareness is that we assume it is another skill that we all have. It can’t really be that difficult to see ourselves clearly. But with the complexities of the human mind and the degrees of self-awareness, it is understandable some guidance is required.

As we go about our daily lives, we are aware of our thoughts and feelings. We know what makes us feel happy or angry. By now, we can understand the triggers of our fears and anxiety. But we rarely consider whether these thoughts are correct.

Self-awareness is the concept of separating yourself from your feelings and thoughts so that you can analyze each one to decide if this is how you should be thinking/acting/feeling. This self-evaluation requires objectivity and a comparison against our standards rather than simply recognizing emotions.

Being self-aware can help us to be more accepting, to gain confidence, make better decisions, and improve our communication skills. Being able to realistically evaluate yourself in a range of different situations will enhance your experiences. Before we look at how to practice self-awareness, let’s look at some of the other emotions we experience or the results of being assertive.

Negative Feedback and Criticism

Winston Churchill felt that criticism was a necessary experience in order for us to be able to learn and grow. He also said that if we have been criticized, it is a good thing, because we have stood up for something we believe in. The project you presented is something you believed in, but when you are criticized or receive negative feedback for your work, it is painful, and you may feel embarrassed, angry, or incompetent.

There are so many reasons for somebody to criticize you. It may well be that they are genuinely trying to help you, but they lack the communication skills to provide constructive criticism.

They might be frustrated because they don’t think that you have listened to them completely. The person could have made their own mistakes and are trying to highlight yours to draw attention away from themselves. Of course, it can also just be their own fears, they are insecure, or feel threatened by you.

To deal with negative feedback and criticism in an assertive way, in the first place, you must remain calm and take a deep breath. Consider the criticism and agree with only what you feel is true. Correct the person for their false statements. It is important to respond to the words a person is using and not their tone of voice. You may feel that they are coming across as aggressive or angry, but you can’t raise your voice to match theirs. Don’t attach yourself to their emotions. If your confidence is knocked or you are hurt, suggest talking a little later on, take a few minutes to process the feedback, and decide how you want to respond.

Negative Thoughts

Whether your negative thoughts come from cognitive distortion or a tendency to look on the darker side of life, it is important that we look at learning how to think more positively. Negative thoughts have a powerful impact on your confidence, your body language, and your tone of voice—all of which are critical for being assertive. The positive belief that you can achieve something is often what will give you the confidence to do it.

It is frustrating when people tell you that you need to be more positive. You know this already, but it is never that simple. It requires cognitive restructuring, which some are able to do alone, and others need help with cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).

This process involves the identification of a negative thought, understanding whether or not it is valid, and then replacing it with a more positive image:

The negative thought: Your boss is going to get mad when you say no to giving the presentation this weekend.

Validating the thought: Your boss might be angry, but he can’t fire you or force you to do it on your day off. The worst they can do is shout, and that won’t last forever.

The positive image: You have dinner and drinks with friends that you will be able to enjoy without the stress of working on a Saturday.

This process sounds super easy, but it will take some time to practice. It is important that you take time to think each stage through and not rush it so that it becomes a more natural habit for you.

Anger

There are two sides to anger. First, we have to learn how to cope with people getting angry with us when we are assertive. Although this is a horrible situation, you can’t let it stop you from being assertive. It is likely to make you scared to try, but we have now learned some techniques to cope with our fear.

The most important thing is not to retaliate with anger. This is unlikely because, by nature, we are generally passive people. At the same time, this person has crossed an unacceptable boundary, and you shouldn’t allow them to feel that they can behave in this way. Focus on “I” statements such as, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to in this manner.” Then discuss the matter at a later date.