Black
Thursday
other works by linda joffe hull The Big Bang (Tyrus, 2012) Eternally 21 (Midnight Ink, 2013)
A Mrs. Frugalicious Shopping Mystery
Black
Thursday Linda Joffe Hull
Midnight Ink
woodbury, minnesota
Black Thursday: A Mrs. Frugalicious Shopping Mystery © 2014 by Linda Joffe Hull. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written permission from Midnight Ink, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First Edition First Printing, 2014 Book design and format by Donna Burch-Brown Cover design by Lisa Novak Cover Illustration: Bunky Hurter Editing by Nicole Nugent Midnight Ink, an imprint of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Hull, Linda Joffe. Black Thursday : a Mrs. Frugalicious shopping mystery / Linda Joffe Hull. — First edition. pages cm. ISBN 978-0-7387-3490-3 1. Murder—Investigation—Fiction. I. Title. PS3608.U433B57 2014 813'.6—dc23 2014014326 Midnight Ink Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. 2143 Wooddale Drive Woodbury, MN 55125-2989 www.midnightinkbooks.com Printed in the United States of America
For Becky, who wrote the book on strength and grace while I wrote this book.
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I, Maddie Michaels—AKA the estranged Mrs. Frank Finance Michaels, AKA Mrs. Frugalicious—should, by all rights, love Thanksgiving. I mean, what other holiday celebrates the bounty of fall and all there is to be thankful for and downright sanctions two of my favorite blessings—eating and bargain shopping? Looking at the thirteen relatives seated at the dining room table I’d had to lengthen with both leaves and a card table, I reminded myself that Thanksgiving was, indeed, one of my favorite holidays. Better, in less than four hours, I’d be setting out for an extraspecial midnight savings expedition along with my Frugarmy (AKA fans of my website, MrsFrugalicious.com) to brave the late hour, low temperatures, and long lines for a local news segment on BlackFriday-on-Thursday-night deals. “What a blessing to be here together.” Joyce, my soon-to-be-exmother-in-law clasped her hands, drew them to her heart, and settled her gaze on me. “Amongst family.”
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My estranged husband, Frank; his father, Gerald; one of the nieces; and, if I wasn’t mistaken, Spots, the runt-of-the-litter kitten Frank befriended when I moved him down to the basement after news of his infidelity surfaced, all nodded in a recalcitrant sort of agreement. I took a deep silent breath. This Thanksgiving was certain to be one of the most memorable ever—assuming I survived the actual feast itself … “Eat up.” Craig, my ex-brother-in-law-to-be, plopped a marshmallow-coated blob of sweet potato casserole onto my Wedgwood wedding china plate—part of a service for eighteen that was soon to be split into nine his and nine hers. “You could stand to gain a pound or two.” I’d have beamed at being called underweight for the first time in maybe ever, even by Craig (an enthusiastic chubby chaser), had the weight loss not been so hard won. After all, last year at this time, I was a happy, well-heeled housewife on the hunt for figure-flattering holiday wear to hide the extra ten extra pounds (okay, thirteen) I rationalized as part and parcel of the joys of motherhood and encroaching middle age. I put on another five (okay, eight) during the dark days after Frank lost all of our money in a Ponzi scheme—a fact no one could know at risk of Frank also losing his job as Channel Three’s on-air financial guru. When I finally stabilized at an all-time high weight, Mrs. Frugalicious began to take off. Then all hell broke loose.
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Nothing could have amped up my diet and exercise program more than finding out my husband lost not only the nest egg but his mind over the most unexpected of beautiful blondes. And things only degenerated from there … I picked at a bright red indiscernible something mixed in with the sweet potato, butter, and pineapple chunks. “I think Maddie looks great.” Frank smiled and took a heaping bite of the sweet potato surprise. “And so is this, Mom.” Gerald nodded in agreement. “You’ve still got it, Joyce.” Joyce, whose eyelids had been refreshed so many times I wasn’t sure they could close all the way, somehow winked in my direction. “Secret is the Red Hots.” Red Hots? How, one might ask, had I ended up surrounded by my estranged husband’s entire family, pretending to enjoy my soon-tobe-ex-mother-in-law’s culinary concoctions? I’d been asking myself the same question all day. I’d agreed to one last simple Thanksgiving for the sake of our children. After all, our twin teenage sons, Frank Jr. (FJ) and Trent, had suffered enough upheaval over the last few months, and my stepdaughter, Eloise, was coming back for the weekend from college to yet another broken home. A broken home we needed to be moving out of sooner rather than later.
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I’d also planned on a delicious but economical 1 menu, including a small 2 bird suitable for five, when the boys asked if their cousins could join us for dessert. What that really meant was my brother-in-law and his daughters were somehow at loose ends and he was finagling a dinner invitation via the kids. It felt punitive for all concerned to say no. Instead, and to balance out the family equation, I called my sister in Fort Collins and talked her into making the drive for a second dinner with her husband and their kids. With a new total of thirteen guests, I still planned to keep it simple,3 as I advised my Mrs. Frugalicious readers. But as I looked around the table at the objectively attractive, dark-haired, blue-eyed Michaels clan, it was clear simple simply wasn’t in the cards.
1. F rom my Thrifty, Thrilling Thanksgiving blog: There are four main ways to save on holiday groceries. 1. Coupon: If it’s on your shopping list, there’s probably a coupon for it in your Sunday paper, online, or via an app. 2. Buy in Bulk: Save big by picking up staples like butter, flour, sugar, and milk in bulk. 3. Buy Seasonal: Seasonal produce is cheaper, fresher, and suits the spirit of the holiday. 4. Shop Smart: Be sure to look for loss leaders and cherry-pick the best deals from each store. Keep in mind, the real cost of a meal isn’t the turkey, but the little extras you pay too much for at the last minute. 2. S ize Matters: Turkey experts recommend an 8–12 lb. turkey for 2–4 people, a 12–16 lb. turkey for 5–7 people, a 16–20 lb. turkey for 8–10 people, and a 20–24 lb. turkey for 11–13 guests. These estimates allow for some leftovers, so there is no need to waste money by upsizing. 3. While it’s tempting to play hostess-with-the-Thanksgiving-mostest by making complicated, costly dishes, only turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce are “must-haves.” Consider what’s already in your pantry and keep it simple. If a recipe calls for a spice you don’t have and don’t expect to use much of again, you’re probably better off looking for a substitute that’s already in your pantry or skipping that recipe entirely. 4
First, Frank’s parents’ annual Thanksgiving cruise was abruptly cancelled en route to Ft. Lauderdale due to some unexpected civil unrest along the Panama Canal. A cruise they were to be joined on by Frank’s sister and her children. Before I knew it, the whole gang had somehow been rerouted to Los Angeles via Denver and, due to overbooking, had been awarded travel vouchers for the inconvenience of a flight back on Monday night. Needless to say, they all turned up on the doorstep Wednesday evening. They were barely inside when my sister called with word her whole crew had come down with food poisoning and were too sick to drive anywhere on Thursday, much less eat when they arrived. As Frank’s family settled in all over the house, I’d shut myself in my office, sat down at the computer, and prayed for a message from a long-lost, faraway friend in dire need of my immediate presence. As soon as I could force my head off the desk and actually check, I discovered there really was an urgent email in my inbox after all. Anastasia Chastain, the field reporter from Channel Three, was planning an evening news piece on Black Friday bargain hunting. She wanted to know when and where I’d be shopping Thursday evening so she could talk local deals while Mrs. Frugalicious, AKA me, scored said deals on camera for the viewers at home. Despite a house full of estranged relatives, disappearing was suddenly off the table—a table now covered with my mother-inlaw’s questionable holiday fare.4
4. C ooking from scratch is less expensive and (usually) tastier than anything you can buy ready-made. 5
“A toast.” Barb, Frank’s sister, held up her wineglass. “To making the very best of a bad situation.” Over the here heres and the clink of glasses, I began to silently list the reasons why breaking bread with Frank and his family was making the best of it and not the worst joke the universe had ever played on me. Since Frank’s major lapse of judgment, that was. “Love these rolls, Joyce!” my son FJ said, adhering to his grandmother’s insistence she was far too youthful to be called a grandma. Ever the diplomat, he slathered butter on a hockey puck roll and filled his water glass to prepare for the swallowing process. Trent, FJ’s identical twin, down to the Michaels blue eyes but with the lighter hair and stockier build of the men on my side of the family, stifled a laugh and followed suit. With their bright, mischievous smiles—a far too uncommon sight these past few months—I had the first reason on my list: 1. Despite a genetic predisposition from my side, the kids needed and were reveling in the unexpected family togetherness. “Maddie, these table centerpieces are as charming as they are clever.” Barb looked admiringly at my admittedly fetching gourd, pinecone, leaf, and twig centerpiece.5 Joyce, who was equal parts feminist and pampered princess, and thus always leery of all things crafty, nodded. “So creative.” Heads bobbed in agreement.
5. I nstead of store-bought Thanksgiving accents, go natural! Fall leaves and branches, acorn squash, pinecones, and other fall fruits that can be eaten later make attractive low-cost or even free décor. 6
2. The Michaels clan, known for speaking their minds, were clearly on their very best behavior. “Green bean casserole?” Craig offered from beside me. I took a grayish, crispy-topped spoonful, concealed it with my roll, and passed the dish along. 3. Since my meal would likely consist of a few slices of the twentysix-pound tom turkey (for which I’d traded in my party-offive bird) and the cranberry sauce I’d prepared earlier in the week, I wasn’t going to put any weight on like I normally did every Thanksgiving. “Good thing we had extra hands in the kitchen,” Frank said, helping himself to a spoonful of gummy-looking mashed potatoes. “I can’t imagine how Maddie could have pulled off a meal like this in midst of getting ready for her first TV appearance tonight.” He made an interesting point. 4. Other than something of a sticky marshmallow disaster in the kitchen and a pungent, lingering cooking aroma I’d have to Febreze away, my soon-to-be-ex-mother- and sister-in-law couldn’t have shown up at a more opportune time to take over the kitchen and insist they whip up the Thanksgiving meal despite a shared lack of kitchen prowess. “Speaking of TV,” Craig said. “Is it really possible to get one of those forty-two-inch flat screens for two-fifty tonight?” “First twenty people in line at Bargain Barn definitely will.” The second I’d read Anastasia’s email, I was on the phone with “Awesome” Alan Bader, local bargain outlet mogul and my first big advertiser.
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Always at risk of being forced out of business by the box chains, he’d already placed an ad on my blog offering an extra 10% off the competition’s pricing. When I let him know that I’d have a camera crew trailing me instead of live-tweeting like I’d planned, he upped the ante by opening at ten p.m. He also added a half-price sound system exclusively for Frugarmy members. “If everything goes well, people will be stuffing their cars full of incredible deals.” “Stuffing’s just like I remember.” Gerald helped himself to a second serving. “It has to have been twenty years since you’ve made it, Mom,” Craig said. “Twenty-one,” Joyce said. “Wasn’t sure I’d get all the ingredients right from memory, but it all came back to me as soon as the popcorn started popping.” “It looks incredible,” I said, marveling at a soggy, deflated kernel of bona fide Orville Redenbacher’s mixed in with the breadcrumbs, onions, and celery. “Try it, Maddie,” Barb said. Suddenly, all eyes were on me. “Mom’s popcorn stuffing is legendary,” Frank said. “You’ll die when you taste it,” one of the nieces said. That’s what I’m afraid of, I didn’t say as I scooped up a small bite and checked to make sure my napkin was at the ready for a polite cough/spit. I took a silent deep breath, closed my nose in anticipation, brought the fork toward my mouth, and was about to bite the proverbial bullet when my text alert pinged. Specifically, the alert the boys had set up for me to let me know when anyone commented on any of my blog posts at MrsFrugalicious.com. 8
Thanking the culinary gods for the last-minute reprieve, I put down my fork, grabbed my smartphone from my pocket, and read the title of the comment: Thanks, But No Thanks! The author, to my nonsurprise, was a certain CC, whom I’d taken to calling Contrary Claire due to her frequent negative remarks. “Everything okay?” Joyce asked. I wasn’t exactly thrilled to have a gripe from my cyber naysayer on the one day of the year devoted to giving thanks. I was, however, grateful she’d given me a reason to locate my reading glasses and thereby avoid choking down Joyce’s stuffing. “Contrary Claire is up to her usual nonsense.” “Ignore her,” FJ said. “It’s Thanksgiving.” “Totally,” Trent, the other half of my teen tech support staff, agreed. “I would if I could,” I said, already halfway across the room and headed for my office on the other side of the front hall. “But I can’t risk her disrupting anything more than a few minutes of dinner tonight.” 5. Given my on-camera midnight shopping expedition, I had an excuse for my work issues to trump my personal ones. _____ I closed the French doors behind me, located my computer glasses, jiggled the mouse, and waited for the Mrs. Frugalicious home page to fill the screen. Contrary Claire’s comments were unnerving at first, but the boys argued I couldn’t let them get to me because MrsFrugalicious.com 9
hadn’t arrived as a website until it had a dedicated stalker. It also helped that a flood of positive remarks always came in from my regular followers, burying whatever gripe she had that day. Girding myself, I scrolled down past Bargain Barn’s ad, below Black Friday Frugasm,6 the post I’d written with tips and extra bargains for Frugarmy members who joined me to shop on camera, and read the sole entry in the comments section: Dear Mrs. Frugalicious, I, for one, plan to take a pass on tonight. For one thing, I already followed your advice and got two items on my list at Black Friday prices by going into Bargain Barn yesterday to pre-shop.7 For another, the sound system is the only special addition that seems all that special. To be honest, this whole event smells of a scheme cooked up by you, your TV reporter husband, and Bargain Barn to line pockets with kickback dollars. Namely, yours. Thanks for offering me fifteen minutes of background fame, but I think I’ll just stay home and cyber shop. Everyone knows the deals are way better online these days, anyway. Break a leg, CC I put my head in my hands.
6. Froo-gaz-m (n.): A particularly satisfying bargain. 7. I f there is an item from the Black Friday ads on your list, you may not have to wait until Black Friday to get it. Some stores will mark the item down in the days leading up to the big night. If it works, you can make your way through the sea of carts grabbing other bargains. 10
Had she really just accused Bargain Barn and Mrs. Frugalicious of being in cahoots, not only with each other but Frank? How was it that CC, of all people, didn’t seem to know we were in the middle of a divorce? Even if things were still hunky-dory marriage wise, Frank was too busy trying to keep his gig as Channel Three’s financial guru in the wake of his professional pratfalls to ever think of suggesting me for a segment on his own station. Fortunately, Anastasia Chastain had. The unexpected boon of TV coverage would offer Awesome Alan Bader’s generations-old family business a welcome leg up against the relentless threat of the all-powerful big-box stores. As for me, there was no denying the increased visibility and potential traffic to the website. But line my pockets with kickback money? The holes needed to be sewn up first. Closing my eyes, I took a centering breath to regulate my blood pressure and tried to think of Contrary Claire, whom I pictured as thin, pinched, and in need of some kindness clearly missing from her life. I opened my eyes and forced myself to reread the post, mindful of the poor woman’s right to her skewed opinion. Once again, I was stopped by the word scheme. What if other Frugarmy members checked the website before they left to go shopping, decided she had a point about the online deals, and stayed home themselves? What if Alan from Bargain Barn saw the post? I took another breath. It was unlikely too many people would take CC’s rant all that seriously, but that wouldn’t stop Alan from freaking out about the disastrous aftereffects of a TV crew filming
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in his otherwise-empty store on the busiest shopping evening of the year. And who could blame him? My hands trembled as I began to type a response: Dear CC, Thank you for writing. I promptly deleted that and replaced it with a less friendly, more direct, I appreciate your concerns. Which sounded far too gratuitous. I deleted the sentence and decided on, I’m glad you were able to get Black Friday prices early with my tip on pre-sale shopping. Which sounded passive-aggressive. Because it was. I erased again, took a deep breath, and started anew: Dear CC, I really appreciate all the comments that come in to Mrs. Frugalicious, but sometimes I feel the need to respond with some qualifications, corrections, and/or additions. This is one of those times. Bargain Barn is an upstanding local business committed to providing the best prices and customer service. That is why they were the first store I thought of when Channel Three asked me (yesterday to be exact) to Black Friday shop on camera. There is absolutely no gimmick, scam, or kickback scheme involved. I simply got a message from one of the local TV stations (who coincidentally happens to employ my estranged husband) about doing a story of benefit to all of us in the bargain shopping community. I can assure you, the deals available tonight at 12
Bargain Barn are anything but hype—they are offering to meet or beat all competitor prices, for goodness sake. As for MrsFrugalicious.com, I will only be gaining what I hope will be many more bargain shoppers looking to save money and share tips from the increased exposure. I am truly sorry you’ll miss the festivities. It’s going to be a Black Friday to remember. “Maddie?” Eloise, my stepdaughter, opened the French doors, rushed into the room, and filled my office with her fruity-floral perfume and usual sense of mild exasperation. “How long were the pies supposed to stay in the oven?” “The pies?” I repeated, distracted by whether I should end by taking the high road with a Happy Thanksgiving or just sign off. “Joyce said you said they needed to warm up together,8 but that the pumpkin pie—” “Is supposed to be served chilled or at room temperature.” Her dark, shiny curls bounced as she shook her head. “Not according to her.” “Oh dear,” I said. “I’ll be there as soon as I post this response.” “To that weird Contrary Claire person?” “Unfortunately she decided tonight is some sort of marketing boondoggle and announced it on the website.” “No way!” Eloise looked over my shoulder at the monitor. “Why are you bothering to respond?” “I’m just worried people will read it or—” 8. S ave energy costs by making sure any items that call for similar baking temperatures go into the oven at the same time 13
“Just delete what she wrote.” “Delete it?” For the sake of fair blog journalism and a firm belief that by sharing and comparing bargaining tips everyone came out ahead, I’d never considered censoring anyone. Even Contrary Claire. Not her response to my Thanksgiving shopping tips: Sure, some stores offer a free frozen turkey with $50 minimum purchase, but what they don’t tell you is they’re so deep frozen you could miss Thanksgiving waiting for the bird to thaw. Not her opinion about my Halloween savings post, in which I advised readers to consider less-expensive types of candy: There’s nothing gained by buying off-brands. The kids don’t like them, they scare off the parents, and chances are the treats will just end up in the trash. Not her objection to a tip I’d passed along from the manager at an upscale women’s chain, who told me it was company policy to accept all discount coupons for up to five days past the expiration date: Didn’t work for me. “Everything she said is totally lame,” Eloise said. “Other than she may have a point about online versus traditional shopping.” “She can’t know for sure if she’s not at Bargain Barn to compare,” Eloise said with a touchingly sympathetic hand to the hip. “Right?” “True.” “So press the delete button.” “I’m not really sure I—” “Want a bunch of crazy lies on your web page?”
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The pungent aroma of burning pie came wafting in from the direction of the kitchen. “You better hurry and delete the comment,” she said, “or there goes all the dessert.” “I suppose you’re right.” I sighed. “But I have no idea how …” Eloise reached around me and began to tap away on my keyboard. “Simple.” _____ “I just can’t believe anyone would write anything so mean-spirited.” Barb, no stranger to mean-spiritedness herself, shook her head. “Cyber bully,” Craig said. “What goes around comes around,” Gerald, who seemed to have a new penchant for clichés and catchphrases, mumbled through bites of extra-crispy apple pie. Joyce eyed the plate of food she’d left out for me that I wasn’t even pretending to pick at. “Why don’t I just pop that in the microwave for you and—” “That’s okay,” I said quickly, watching melting whipped cream drip down the burnt crust of the warm pumpkin pie she’d also placed in front of me upon my return to the table. “I’m afraid I’ve sort of lost my appetite for now.” “You know, Mom,” FJ said. “Everything that wacko writes can be blocked.” “Probably not a bad idea,” I said. “At least for tonight.” “We can make it so no comments can post without your approval,” Trent added.
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“That might be going too far,” I said. “If I have to review and approve everything that comes in before it posts, my followers could miss a time-sensitive tip or deal.” “A missed deal is nothing if your personal safety is compromised,” Joyce said. As Gerald, Craig, and Barb nodded in agreement, Frank furrowed his brow with what looked to be sincere concern. “I can’t imagine the woman is dangerous,” I said. “She probably just has personal issues and goes online to vent and maybe escape real life.” “Escape is rarely the solution to dealing with life’s little bumps in the road,” Joyce said. “Tempting though it may be,” Barb added. They shared a not-at-all surreptitious glance. Before I could begin to process, much less respond, to their less than subtle statement about Frank’s bad behavior and show of support for me, my real text alert pinged in apparent agreement. The room fell quiet. “Is it CC?” Trent asked. A legion of nervous butterflies fluttered in my gut as I fished the phone from my pocket praying it wasn’t an irate Contrary Claire, a freaked out Awesome Alan, or anyone else who might have been ruffled by the now-deleted post. Anastasia Chastain scrolled across the display. “Phew,” I managed. “Who is it?” Frank asked. Not only wouldn’t Frank suggest me for an on-air moment, my glib, camera-ready, soon-to-be-ex could barely crack a strained smile when I first mentioned I’d been invited to step out of the sidelines and into the TV spotlight—a spotlight I’d been only too happy 16
to see shine on him all these years. Had we not been separated, I’d have been sensitive to his ego and asked for his blessing before accepting an offer to so much as mention Mrs. Frugalicious on any station, much less his. Then again, times had changed. “Anastasia,” I simply said. “Gotcha,” he said, but with no sign of a grimace or scowl. Having left my glasses atop my head, I didn’t have an excuse to leave the room again, so I simply looked down and read the text: Need you at bargain barn an hour early, ready for an interview. With the word interview, a band of perspiration broke out at the base of my neck. I’d expected to play shopper with Anastasia providing the color commentary, not speak on camera beyond providing a quick sound bite or two. “What is it?” Frank asked. “She wants me there an hour early so she can interview me before the store opens.” “That’s terrific!” Joyce said. “Cool, Mom,” FJ said. “Figures Stasia would come up with a way to capitalize on the airtime.” Frank actually smiled. “Gotta love that girl’s ingenuity.” I dabbed at the beads of sweat that broke out across my forehead as well and forced my thoughts away from the recent past and onto my near future. “I should start getting ready.” “Will we all be on camera?” Eloise turned to check her reflection in the antique mirror that hung behind her. “Or just you?” “I assume whoever’s shopping with me will end up on camera.” “Maybe I should get ready soon too then.” 17
“You’re coming with?” I’d been Eloise’s stepmother since she was a preschooler. I thought of her as my own, but I assumed she’d prefer to be home with the rest of the family she rarely got to see, instead of out all night with just me. “I thought it might be fun.” “I’d love to have you along!” I said. “I could really use a helper.” “I’m thinking I’ll tag along too.” Craig raised an eyebrow. “I’d like one of those flat-screen TVs in my entertainment room.” “That’s great,” I said, not nearly as enthusiastically as I had to Eloise, and not wanting to think about what playboy Craig defined as entertainment. “Can we hang at home and watch football?” Trent asked. “We could keep an eye on the kids after they go to bed, too. Unless you want us to come with,” FJ, the more sensitive of my sons, offered. “No need,” Frank said, as I’d have expected. He loved to encourage the boys, who were something of standouts on their high school football team, to watch the pros play whenever possible. I didn’t expect what he said next. “I’m coming with too.” He turned and made direct eye contact with me for the first time in months. “To help make sure they show your best angles and all that.” “I …” I was flabbergasted. He was well aware of the stage fright that had kept me from ever considering an on-air gig. He’d learned of it back when I’d served briefly as an intern at the station, fallen hard for him, and ended up married with twins—though not necessarily in that order. “It’s the least I can do,” he said.
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Even though there was no one more qualified, I hadn’t considered asking for his assistance. Or anticipated his company … “This is all so exciting.” Joyce stood and started clearing the table. “Better get things cleaned up quickly so we’ll be ready on time.” “You’re coming along?” “I just love a good deal,” Joyce, whose idea of discount shopping was the reduced rack at Neiman Marcus, added. “Really?” I asked, more than a little surprised. “We’re hoping you’ll take us on a field trip to the grocery store while we’re here,” Barb said. “Really?” I asked again. “We want some pointers on how to do that extreme coupon grocery shopping.” “Nothing wrong with saving where you can.” Joyce removed Gerald’s plate just as he’d finished his last bite of pie. “Which is why we can’t wait to experience our first Black Thursday!”
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I certainly didn’t expect this particular evening to be quite the way it was turning out, but despite a moonless night and the threat of snow flurries, a substantial crowd was already lined up along the sidewalk in front of Bargain Barn and weaving its way around the side of the building. Anastasia was there when I arrived. She greeted me outside the news van with a makeup-preserving air kiss and gave my casual-yetcamera-friendly ensemble of dark pea coat, mauve silk blouse, black slacks, and matching accent scarf an approving once over. “I’d say this divorce is agreeing with you.” She wrinkled her delicate, bobbed nose. “Except that those people heading in our direction look far too much like Frank not to be his parents.” We watched together as Eloise met up with Joyce, Gerald, Barb, and Craig, who’d followed us over to Bargain Barn in a second car. “Not to mention his brother and sister.” We weren’t friends exactly, but given Anastasia was Frank’s co-anchor apparent for Frank
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Finance, the now on-hold national version of his popular local show, and so she was well aware of the particulars of our collapsed marriage. There was no reason not to tell her the latest developments in my ongoing marital saga. “His whole family showed up for Thanksgiving.” She raised an expertly plucked eyebrow. “Seriously?” “Hard as that may be to believe.” Anastasia’s heavily sprayed blond bob stayed firmly in place as she shook her head. “I can’t believe you had them all for dinner, much less to tag along tonight.” “Lighting check,” someone from the crew said. Before I could explain that I hadn’t exactly invited them for either event, Frank materialized from the news van holding a makeup kit and sponge. “You’re a little shiny,” he said, dabbing my forehead like a seasoned makeup artist. “You could be a model!” Joyce said loudly, announcing the arrival of the Michaels gang. Her faux chinchilla coat (which I suspected wasn’t faux at all) made an even louder statement. “Couldn’t she?” “Thin enough to be.” Craig, whose taste in women ran to the pleasingly plump, scrunched his face a little. Barb offered her hand to Anastasia. “We’re here to watch Maddie’s big moment.” “And pick up some cool deals while we’re at it.” Craig shook hands as well but looked wistfully toward the burgeoning crowd in front of Bargain Barn. “None of this was my idea,” I managed to mouth from behind their heads. Anastasia gave me an it’s all good wink.
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“Maybe we should get in line and save a place for Maddie so she doesn’t miss out on anything while she’s being interviewed,” Craig added. “Great idea,” Joyce said. “No need,” Anastasia said. “Alan Bader is letting us in the employee door early to film the crowds entering, so you’ll be first in line.” “Awesome,” Craig said. “Maybe I’ll be able to get the TV and snag one of the sound systems.” “How can we be of help in the meantime?” Joyce reached into her oversized purse and pulled out two water bottles, a box of granola bars, and a pack of gum. “Anyone need a snack?” “Ready when you are, Stasia,” the cameraman said. “Why don’t you just watch and enjoy?” Frank, always the consummate professional (at least where his job was concerned) immediately whisked his family over to a spot behind the camera. “They’re all on their very best behavior,” I whispered. “No surprises there.” Anastasia led me over to two X marks taped to the cement and stood on hers. “You ready?” My pounding heart certainly wasn’t. The first and last time I’d been on stage, much less in front of a camera, was in elementary school when I’d tried out to play the Dormouse but instead been cast as Alice in the third grade play. Needless to say, my understudy, Suzie Shultz, had taken over after the first performance—a memory I’d somehow managed to suppress until now. “I …” “You’re going to do great,” Frank said, returning to my side. “Just remember—” “Feet shoulder-width apart, arms to your sides, lean slightly forward,” Eloise said in a dead-on imitation of the instructions Frank 22
had repeated ad nauseam on the drive over. “And speak a little louder and a lot slower than normal.” “Exactly,” Frank said, handling being teased better than expected. “And put your cell on silent.” “Will do,” I managed, managing to at least get the ringer on my phone turned off. “I’ll introduce the segment and introduce you,” Anastasia said. “Then you take it from there.” “Great.” My knees began to tremble. “The camera senses fear,” Frank whispered, “so think happy thoughts.” Happy thoughts … Even though it was in my nature to be upbeat and generally positive, somehow I couldn’t think about much of anything but that camera lens staring at me with its one skeptical eye. I was thankful, however, that I’d doubled up my Lady Speed Stick with an extra swipe of Secret when the light went on and Anastasia instantly transformed from rosy-cheeked and pretty into a luminous, poised, intelligent beauty. She leaned slightly forward, just as Frank had directed me, and assumed an expression of confident, serene intelligence. “While many of us haven’t even started to fight over the wishbone, savvy local shoppers looking to cash in on early-bird bargains have already set up camp, quite literally, outside local retailers …” The camera panned away from Anastasia and onto a scene that looked like a winter barn raising—complete with bundled-up shoppers lined up alongside the farm mural running the length of the concrete building.
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“With the prices we’re hearing about on everything from appliances to big entertainment systems, it’s no wonder shoppers are clamoring to leave their cozy spots by the fire and bring the whole family out for the Thursday night bargains.” The next thing I knew I’d been guided/moved/gently shoved onto my X. “Remember to look at Stasia, not the camera,” Frank whispered. A bead of perspiration rolled from the nape of my neck down my spine. “With me today is Maddie Michaels, better known to many of you as local bargain hunting maven Mrs. Frugalicious.” To say my life flashed before my eyes would be a little overstatement and a lot Gerald-style cliché, but for one never-ending second, everything went white. Everything, that is, except the red-hot feeling in my ears and the sight of Frank reminding me to smile by pressing up the corners of his mouth with his thumb and forefinger. I tried to force the panic stiff muscles in my face to follow suit as Anastasia continued: “I love a good deal and I’m all for a fun family outing to help burn off that turkey and pie, but when I look at all the people gathered out here, frankly I’m awestruck and, I have to admit, a little overwhelmed …” With the word overwhelmed, I locked my knees to keep them from buckling. I willed myself to not think about my disastrous turn as Alice in Wonderland. If only I’d practiced my lines in front of someone instead of the mirror. If only I’d been prepared to take on a lead role … “It’s all a matter of preparation,” I finally said. To my complete surprise, my voice didn’t crack in the slightest. 24
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see people waving from the line, including my friend and business contemporary Wendy Killian from Here’s the Deal magazine. “Knock ’em dead!” Barb whisper-screamed from the sidelines. Imagine the viewers are a group of friendly supporters, Frank had said during the drive over. Fact was, they already were. “Black Friday is a big, crazy shopping day and it starts earlier every year,” I heard come out of my dry mouth. “But if you do your homework and come ready to get what you came for at the lowest prices, it’s by far the best.” My smile morphed from forced to real when I caught sight of someone holding a sign: GO MRS. FRUGALICIOUS! “You don’t have to be a seasoned bargain hunter to take advantage of the incredible deals out there tonight if you follow these steps …” I hadn’t had time to panic about being on camera until I was about to go live, but instead of freezing completely, somehow I felt my shoulders relax, noted my hands were indeed at my sides, and realized I kind of liked the opportunity to reach an audience much wider than the band of dedicated bargain shoppers who frequented my site. “To start,” I said, with what felt like a little louder than normal voice, “go through all of the newspaper ads, online sites, and pricecomparison phone apps ahead of time and figure out what you want to buy, where to go to get it, and in what order. Once you figure out where you’re headed, ‘like’ those retailers on social media sites and sign up for their email lists to get extra coupons and lastminute deals.” 25
Anastasia nodded thoughtfully. “And don’t limit yourself to the big-name chains. Some of the very best doorbuster deals this year are at stores like Bargain Barn, where you can combine Black Friday prices with Small Business Saturday shopping for a true win-win.” “All on Thursday night.” “Exactly.” I smiled. “So, figure out what you want, what you’re going to pay, and the best place to go to buy it?” “And be sure to bring copies of those ads so you know you’re getting the right price, especially at stores offering to match or beat competitors’ prices,” I said. “Mainly though, you need to make sure you’re comparing apples to apples. A big-screen TV that comes bundled with a video game system and DVD player may be a better value than a bigger TV that costs less at another store.” “Good advice,” Anastasia said. “And what about preparing for the actual shopping itself ?” I couldn’t believe it, but I was feeling a lot more like a seasoned professional than the almost-ex-wife of one. “If you’re going to snag a highly sought after item or three, you’re going to be out there for the long haul, so make your wait as comfortable as possible by bringing lawn chairs, blankets, coffee, water, snacks, and even games.” As I stopped to take a surreptitious breath, Eloise gave me the thumbs up. “I also suggest you bring along fellow shoppers who are as excited as you are about Black Friday and leave those grouchy spouses home with the potentially whiny kids and sleepy babies who will only slow you down.” “Sounds like a plan,” Anastasia said, having noted the THEY’RE READY INSIDE someone had jotted on a piece of paper and held 26
up for her. “Thank you for that enlightening and incredibly useful information, Mrs. Frugalicious.” “Thank you,” I said. Anastasia smiled broadly. Her smile grew that much bigger when the camera faded to black. “I knew you’d be a natural.” “Atta girl!” Joyce said, rushing over to envelop me in a hug. “Terrific!” Barb said, trailing behind them. “Wow!” Frank said, nodding. “Way better than even I expected.” _____ Even though I may have omitted a helpful tip or two 9 in the midst of it all, I pretty much felt, well … if not like I was a natural, at least totally energized by the first part of my interview and excited for what was still to come. Spending Thanksgiving with my estranged husband’s family was a definite departure from my original plan, but so was Black Friday in general. As such, having them along wasn’t an entirely bad thing in that I had a bargain posse10 made up of more than just Eloise. And Frank, despite all the water under our bridge, had really helped relieve what could have been a crippling case of stage fright.
9. E .g., check in via smartphone when you get to wherever you’re shopping. Some stores have extra discounts just for mobile shoppers. Also, the all-important Black Friday is a bonanza for bargain shoppers, but no deal is worth carrying a balance on your credits cards until this time next year. Spend wisely! 10. I f you shop with a posse of friends or like-minded shoppers, you can split up the store, guard carts, save places in line, etc. And then enjoy a post-shop powwow or brunch to show off your finds and compare your deals. 27
Any other lingering concerns about the evening, including possible negative fallout from Contrary Claire’s short-lived gripe, also began to fade with Awesome Alan Bader’s warm greeting at the side entrance of Bargain Barn. Not to mention the sheer exhilaration when he led us inside a store empty of shoppers. A store overstocked to the rafters with everything from closeout auto parts to zebrastriped, wall-to-wall carpeting. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate having you folks here.” Alan’s eyes sparkled with a giddy, almost boyish excitement. “For once, the big-box outfits have to compete against us!” I’d never actually met Alan in person, but felt I knew him from our friendly, borderline-flirtatious business conversations. That and his trademark commercials, which featured him—slick, stocky, and definitely cocky and always in a Bargain Barn polo—standing next to some prized horse, cow, or sheep and whatever appliance or furniture item he was trying to push. With his firm handshake, I was struck by how much better-looking he was in person. His hair, which I’d assumed to be dyed brown, was really salt and pepper. His signature gold bracelet and necklace, which seemed to shimmer on camera, were more smart than showy in real life. He was also a little shorter, but at least ten pounds thinner (confirming that old adage about TV and making me happy to have made my onscreen debut at an all-time low weight). “How about we get you on camera before things get rolling, Alan?” Anastasia asked. “Impromptu interviews aren’t for me.” He flashed a smile at me. “I think I’ll leave the commentary to Maddie tonight.” “Don’t you think we should set up the camera beside the front doors and back to the right ten feet or so, then?” Frank asked. 28
Anastasia did a quick scan of Bargain Barn’s floor-to-ceiling, warehouse style aisles. “For starters.” “There’s an even better view of the front doors from over there.” Alan pointed toward the Customer Service counter where two salesgirls were putting out what had to be Black Friday maps 11 to help shoppers locate the specials set up throughout the store. “Deal maps, I presume?” I asked, as the camera crew headed that direction to set up. “For the specials advertised in the newspaper and some unadvertised discounts on smaller-ticket items we’ve placed throughout the store,” Alan said. “Eloise, would you mind grabbing a few so we can figure out how best to divide and conquer?” “No need,” Alan said before Eloise could turn for the front counter. “Just use your smartphone.” “You created a QR code 12 for tonight?” I asked, digging through my purse and locating my cell. “And by keying FRUGARMY into the passcode I set up, Mrs. Frugalicious followers will be directed to the layaway counter for the stereo system,” Alan said. “To sweeten the pot, they will get vouchers for another item of their choice without having to stand in a second line.” 11. M any retailers have turned Black Friday bargains into a scavenger hunt of sorts, situating their best deals in seemingly random spots around the store. Video games may be hiding near car seats. A bin of $2 shirts could be over by hair care. If you can, check out stores ahead of time so you know where everything is. 12. C heck to see if there is a Quick Response (QR) code to scan with your smartphone when you get to wherever you are shopping. Some stores offer extra discounts just for mobile shoppers. 29
As in a double frugasm? “Seriously?” “Excluding the TV, which really wouldn’t be fair to other shoppers since the supply is limited.” “Makes sense,” Craig said. “I’ll wait in the TV line if someone will get the sound system for me.” “Not a problem,” Barb said. “As long as I can get two.” “Absolutely,” Alan said. “This is awesome,” I said. “Small token of my thanks for bringing the news crews and the shoppers here,” Alan said in a chipper voice. “Perfect,” Anastasia said. “We’ll be able to cover Mrs. Frugalicious, the Frugarmy, and the family shopping angles all at once.” “So I do get to be on camera?” Eloise asked. Frank put his arm around her. “Day full of unexpected surprises.” “Incredible ones,” I said. “But how will the Frugarmy know to—” “I posted a message on your website,” Alan said. “You did?” I asked with more concern in my voice than I’d intended. “About two hours ago.” He moved closer as I scrolled down my web page to the Comments and Last Minute Deals section where, thankfully, there was nothing but a big bold CHECK IN WITH YOUR SMARTPHONES AT BARGAIN BARN TONIGHT FOR A DEAL WAY TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!! PASSCODE: FRUGARMY. “Brilliant,” I said, as much about his offer as Eloise’s insistence I block Contrary Claire’s potentially toxic commentary. It must have been mere seconds before Alan logged onto my website. He smiled. “I thought so.”
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“The Frugarmy will love it,” I couldn’t help but notice how good he smelled, in that woodsy/spicy/soapy kind of a way. “Thank you, Alan.” Our eyes met. “My pleasure.” “We need to get cracking,” Frank said, turning to Anastasia. “Don’t we?” Alan furrowed his brow in what I could swear was an expression of why exactly is he here tonight, anyway? Anastasia looked up from her own cell phone at the sign marked Layaway with an arrow pointing toward the back left corner of the store. “So the Frugarmy line will form where? “In Small Appliances. It’ll switchback as necessary through the back aisles.” She pointed to the main corridor, which was lined with dishwashers, refrigerators, and ranges. “Any chance we could direct the line down one of the central thoroughfares instead?” “They are way more open,” Frank added. “For the camera and everything.” “Technically, that could impede other lines like the Blu-ray players also in that part of the store,” Alan said. “But I suppose we could direct the Frugarmy line around toward the access aisle once it winds in and out of Linens.” Anastasia, despite wearing spiked heels, jogged down the main corridor of the store to the spot halfway to the back, where it intersected the center aisle. She looked around, turned back toward us, and nodded. “Works for me.” _____
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“This is fabulous!” Anastasia said watching the sea of shoppers rush through the front doors and immediately jostle for position. “Pure insanity.” “More like organized chaos,” I said, watching a group of women confer over a Black Friday map, make assignments amongst themselves, and set off in different directions. On Anastasia’s cue and with the camera rolling, I walked over to Customer Service, picked up a map, pretended to consult it, and headed toward the Frugarmy line in Small Appliances. A line that, thanks to Bargain Barn’s last-minute message on MrsFrugalicious. com, already spanned the length of the aisle, wound into Linens, and would soon be curling into the center corridor bisecting the store. Alan (after some light arm-twisting by me) agreed to make a cameo at the register. He stood poised to ring up Customer #1 (who just happened to be Eloise). With the cameraman’s nod, she gave her hair a meaningful flip and pretended to transact what were really my purchases. Barb, Gerald, and a suspiciously laugh-line-free Joyce smiled gleefully from behind her. Anastasia and I stood to the left of the Layaway counter and provided color commentary. “The most important thing to do on Black Friday is stick to your game plan,” I said. “If you’ve done your research and have your shopping posse with you, there’s no reason you shouldn’t leave with most of the big items crossed off your list at the smallest possible prices.” I felt like the crown princess of bargain shoppers, speaking to the TV audience but addressing the countenances of my loyal Frugarmy. “This isn’t the time to worry about stocking stuffers and odds and ends that will just bog you down. Those half-off fuzzy slippers and 32
sparkly holiday earrings will most likely be there early next week when the crowds have thinned, but that flat-screen TV definitely won’t.” “Terrific!” Anastasia said, as the camera panned onto the people queued up behind the Michaels clan. “Next, we get customer reaction shots.” “Be there in a sec,” I said as Anastasia, Frank, and the crew swung around to interview random shoppers at the less-crowded back of the line. Instead of following them, I headed straight down the aisle to meet and greet fans, friends, and clients like L’Raine, my former massage therapist, and Mrs. Piggledy, who, as a former big-top performer and co-owner of one of my favorite stores, Circus Circus, was both. It took a full ten minutes of hellos and handshakes to work my way to them, just behind an end cap filled with toasters. “Maddie!” Mr. Piggledy, her round, ruddy husband (made all the rounder by his bright red holiday sweater), appeared beside his wife. He gave me a big, squishy hug. “You’re a star!” “I don’t know about that,” I said. “Well we certainly think so,” he said, handing a customer pickup voucher to his wife. “We have a brand-new, state-of-the-art TV being delivered next week—thanks to you!” “You have to be reveling in this wonderful manifestation of your hard work as Mrs. Frugalicious.” Mrs. Piggledy was equally ample and, despite an affinity for flowing tops, denim skirts, and New Age rhetoric, bore more than a passing resemblance to Mrs. Claus. She gave me an even warmer embrace. “I knew that crazy person’s note wouldn’t keep anyone away from here tonight.”
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“I …” I looked to make sure Alan, who’d also stopped to press the flesh with a few customers after passing the register job off to real cashier, was out of earshot of Mrs. Piggledy’s high but resonant voice. I lowered mine. “I was a little worried about that.” “No need. It wasn’t up on the website long enough.” A boxylooking woman of about forty with a sweet face, bobbed hair, and neon pink sneakers who stood behind them embraced me as well. “I’m so excited to meet you in person, Mrs. Frugalicious. I’m a big fan.” She took a camera out of her bag. “I can’t believe my husband is in the TV line missing this! Will you take a picture with me so I can show him I met you?” “Of course,” I said. She was about to hand the camera off to Mr. Piggledy when Frank appeared beside me. “How about I do the honors?” “Frank Finance?” she said handing him the camera and swinging her arm around my shoulder. “OMG! I never expected to see you tonight! Aren’t you two—” Before I could pull him aside, look into the whites of his eyes, and confirm my suspicion—that he truly had been taken over by a kinder, gentler, more faithful being from a different dimension— Frank’s cell phone chirped the theme song to the old seventies sitcom All in the Family. “Looks like my mom needs me for something or another,” he said, answering the call. “And I need Maddie.” Anastasia appeared beside us. “We’re done getting shopper feedback and I have to take a quick potty break. Can you go with the cameraman so he can get tape of you in the voucher redemption line?” “Sure.” 34
“I’ll be right there and we’ll move on to interview folks loading goodies into their cars.” The next thing I knew, Anastasia had taken off toward the restrooms, Frank had joined his family, and I was being filmed pretending to wait for my purchases at merchandise pickup. Resisting the urge to smile. Feeling more hopeful about my career and future than I’d been since before … A loud, booming crash echoed across the store.
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