Self-Help / Sexual Instruction
Uncover the secrets of
great sex and
deeper intimacy
Take your sex life from ordinary to extraordinary with this fun and easy-to-use beginner’s guide to authentic Tantra. Explore new and surprising sources of sensual delight with fifty-four Tantric techniques for enhancing intimacy and deepening pleasure. Proving that Tantric lovemaking doesn’t have to take hours, Tantra experts Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson present straightforward, simple practices that anyone can do. Along with fundamental principles of Tantric sex, you will discover amazing ways to prolong arousal, satisfy your partner, maximize bliss, and reach higher states of consciousness. Full-body orgasms • Erotic trigger points • Massage Fantasy and role-play • Kissing • Self-pleasuring Breathwork • Eye-gazing • Meditation • Exercises “Take your sex to the next level.” —Dr. Sonia Borg, sex therapist and author of Oral Sex He’ll Never Forget
“Michaels and Johnson’s Great Sex Made Simple is one of the best books I have read on making the more esoteric Tantric techniques accessible and down to earth for real people wanting really good sex.” —Dr. Tammy Nelson, board certified sexologist and author of Getting the Sex You Want
Mark A. Michaels & Patricia Johnson (New York) are a married couple who have been teaching Tantra together since 1999. Their work has been featured in Redbook, Cosmopolitan, and The Village Voice. Michaels is a graduate of NYU School of Law and holds master’s degrees from NYU and Yale. Johnson is a professional operatic soprano, who tours throughout the US, Europe, and South America. They are the authors of Tantra for Erotic Empowerment and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality. Visit them online at TantraPM.com.
ISBN 978-0-7387-3345-6
$17.99 US $20.95 CAN
Llewellyn Worldwide
www.llewellyn.com www.facebook.com/LlewellynBooks
Great
Sex
Made Simple
About the Authors Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson have been teaching Tantra together since 1999. In addition to Great Sex Made Simple, they are the authors of two award-winning books: The Essence of Tantric Sexuality and Tantra for Erotic Empowerment. Their meditation CD set, Ananda Nidra: Blissful Sleep, was a 2012 COVR Awards finalist. Michaels and Johnson have been featured on television, radio, and in numerous publications, including Redbook, Latina, Jane, Cosmopolitan, Woman’s World, the Sydney Star Observer, and Emotion (Germany). They have also contributed articles to various online and print publications and give sexuality and relationship advice at www.Dick-n-Jane.com. They are senior students of Tantric pioneer Dr. Jonn Mumford (Swami Anandakapila Saraswati), and have studied Bhakti Yoga with Bhagavan Das and Tantra with Dr. Rudolph Ballentine.
Tantric Tips
to Deepen Intimacy & Heighten Pleasure
Great
Sex
Made Simple Mark A. Michaels & Patricia Johnson
Llewellyn Publications Woodbury, Minnesota
Great Sex Made Simple: Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy & Heighten Pleasure © 2012 by Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever, including Internet usage, without written permission from Llewellyn Publications, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. First Edition First Printing, 2012 Cover art: Couple: PBNJ Productions/Blend Images/PunchStock Cover design by Lisa Novak Interior illustrations on pages 78, 88, 124, 131, 134, 142, 153–154, 162, 165, 168, 171, 193–194 © Mary Ann Zapalac Interior photographs and art on pages 41, 53, 58, 61, 64, 99–100, 104, 115, 120, 127 provided by the authors Llewellyn Publications is a registered trademark of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Michaels, Mark A. Great Sex Made Simple : Tantric Tips to Deepen Intimacy & Heighten Pleasure / Mark A. Michaels & Patricia Johnson. — First Edition. pages cm Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-7387-3345-6 1. Sex. 2. Tantrism. 3. Sex instruction. I. Johnson, Patricia. II. Title. HQ23.M4793 2013 613.9071—dc23 2012028483 Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. does not participate in, endorse, or have any authority or responsibility concerning private business transactions between our authors and the public. All mail addressed to the author is forwarded, but the publisher cannot, unless specifically instructed by the author, give out an address or phone number. Any Internet references contained in this work are current at publication time, but the publisher cannot guarantee that a specific location will continue to be maintained. Please refer to the publisher’s website for links to authors’ websites and other sources. Cover models used for illustrative purposes only and may not endorse or represent the book’s subject. Llewellyn Publications A Division of Llewellyn Worldwide Ltd. 2143 Wooddale Drive Woodbury, MN 55125-2989 www.llewellyn.com Printed in the United States of America
Other Books by Mark a. Michaels and Patricia Johnson The Essence of Tantric Sexuality Tantra for Erotic Empowerment: The Key to Enriching Your Sexual Life
Contents
List of Illustrations . . . xiii Foreword, by Barbara Carrellas . . . xv Introduction . . . 1 Part One: The Fundamentals: Key Concepts and Attitudes Chapter 1: Honor Each Other . . . 11 Chapter 2: Know the Power That Dwells in Your Pelvic Floor . . . 14 Chapter 3: Collaborate and Take Each Other to New Heights . . . 16 Chapter 4: Take Your Time . . . 19 Chapter 5: Build Excitement and Prolong Arousal . . . 21 Chapter 6: Be Present . . . 24 Chapter 7: Shed Your Inhibitions . . . 26 Chapter 8: Learn to Feel Energy: It’s Easier Than You Think . . . 28 Part Two: Self-Pleasuring Chapter 9: Experiment with Your Breath . . . 34 Chapter 10: Pleasure Yourself in Front of Your Partner . . . 37 Chapter 11: Use a Vibrator: It’s More Than Just a Sex Toy . . . 40 Chapter 12: Fantasize Freely . . . 44 Chapter 13: Change Your Position to Change Your Experience . . . 47 Part Three: Beyond Words: Silent Ways to Create Intimacy and Reverence Chapter 14: Gaze into Each Other’s Eyes . . . 52 Chapter 15: Keep in Touch . . . 55 Chapter 16: Breathe Together . . . 57 Chapter 17: Connect: Hands to Heart . . . 60 Chapter 18: Bow to Each Other . . . 63 Chapter 19: Pay Attention . . . 66
x
Contents
Part Four: Kissing Chapter 20: Kiss for Ten Minutes . . . 72 Chapter 21: Give and Receive Kisses . . . 74 Chapter 22: Exchange Breath . . . 77 Chapter 23: Play with Cupid’s Bow . . . 80 Chapter 24: Exchange Essences . . . 82 Part Five: Awakening the Senses Chapter 25: Smell: The Most Primal Sense . . . 89 Chapter 26: Taste: Where Our Sensory Experience of the World Begins . . . 92 Chapter 27: Sight: The Power of the Erotic Gaze . . . 95 Chapter 28: Touch: Open Up to New Sensations . . . 98 Chapter 29: Hearing: Alter Your Consciousness with Sound . . . 102 Chapter 30: The Full Spectrum: Engage All the Senses in Lovemaking . . . 105 Part Six: Erotic Trigger Points Chapter 31: Nape of the Neck . . . 112 Chapter 32: Armpits . . . 114 Chapter 33: Inside of the Elbow . . . 117 Chapter 34: Achilles Tendon . . . 119 Chapter 35: Coccyx . . . 121 Chapter 36: Nipples . . . 123 Chapter 37: Above the Pubic Bone . . . 126 Chapter 38: Perineum . . . 128 Chapter 39: Prostate Gland . . . 130 Chapter 40: G-spot . . . 133 Part Seven: Enhancing Oral Sex Chapter 41: Use the Aural to Enhance the Oral . . . 141 Chapter 42: Oral G-spot . . . 144 Chapter 43: Become a Human Vibrator . . . 147 Chapter 44: Pleasure Your Partner Inside and Out . . . 150 Chapter 45: Imagine Your Way to a New Dimension . . . 152
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Part Eight: Sex Positions: A Tantric Twist Chapter 46: Pull Yourselves Together: Yab Yum . . . 161 Chapter 47: Play with Polarities: Kali Asana . . . 164 Chapter 48: An Old Standard Made New: Missionary with Enhancements . . . 167 Chapter 49: Doggy Style and Some New Tricks . . . 170 Part Nine: Expanding Orgasmic Response Chapter 50: Simply Give and Receive . . . 177 Chapter 51: Ride the Wave . . . 181 Chapter 52: Anal Sex for Energy Activation . . . 184 Chapter 53: Break Your Patterns to Discover New Sensations . . . 188 Chapter 54: Breathing as an Alchemical Process . . . 191 Afterword . . . 195 Acknowledgments . . . 198 Notes . . . 200 Glossary . . . 210 Bibliography . . . 224 Index . . . 229
List of Illustrations 1. A hand-cranked vibrator for home use, circa 1900 . . . 41 2. Eye-gazing is an energetic exchange that involves looking deeply into your partner’s eyes. It brings you into alignment by harmonizing your emotional states. . . . 53 3. Seated posture that facilitates harmonizing the breath . . . 58 4. Heart salutation . . . 61 5. Bowing is a very effective way to nurture an attitude of reverence . . . 64 6. Exchanging breath during intercourse creates an energetic circuit . . . 78 7. The seven chakras: the two uppermost, the third eye and crown, do not relate to the physical senses . . . 88 8. The Pinocchio Effect . . . 99 9. Aristotle’s Illusion . . . 100 10. Chanting Om in unison with ears together can create harmony and connection . . . 104 11. Early-twentieth-century French postcard depicting frottage . . . 115 12. Massage along the lower leg, between the bone and the Achilles tendon, to find the trigger point . . . 120 13. Stimulate both the nipple and the areola . . . 124 14. P ress in and down to find the erotic trigger point near the pubic bone . . . 127 15. The prostate feels like a walnut-sized gland. It can be digitally stimulated through the anus. . . . 131 16. The G-spot is located within the upper front wall of the vagina between two-thirds and a full finger-length inside . . . 134 17. Inserting moistened pinkies into your partner’s ears during oral sex creates two energetic circuits and is a delightful way to guide the pace of stimulation . . . 142 18. Basic visualization of an energetic circuit during oral sex . . . 153
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List of Illustrations
19. Advanced visualization of an energetic circuit during oral sex . . . 154 20. Yab Yum . . . 162 21. It is easy for Shiva to stroke Shakti’s genitals in Kali Asana . . . 165 22. When Shiva sucks Shakti’s toe and Shakti sucks Shiva’s thumb, an energetic circuit is created . . . 168 23. Pulling Shakti’s hair from behind can build arousal . . . 171 24. Movement of energy in a basic sexual kriya . . . 193 25. Circulation of energy in an accelerated sexual kriya . . . 194
Foreword While reading this delightful and important book by Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson, I was overcome by a bittersweet nostalgia. I remembered how thrilling, blissful, and transformative my first Tantric experiences were. I also remembered the challenges of finding teachers with whom I truly resonated. Oh, how I wish Mark and Patricia had been teaching Tantra twenty-five years ago. I was inspired to study and practice Tantra at the peak of the AIDS crisis, which was having a devastating impact on my friends and colleagues in the New York theatrical community. I did not approach the study of Tantra with the intention of becoming a better lover, or to enhance my relationship with a beloved—even though those things were blissful by-products of my Tantric journey. I began to study Tantra because I was looking for a way for members of my community to be able to have ecstatic sex again, this time more safely. Tantra quickly proved to be an approach that could easily embrace ecstasy, safer sex, and intense love. But studying Tantra in the 1980s presented challenges. I was told that in order to study Tantra seriously I had to go to India and study with a guru. I had neither the time nor the resources to study in India. I was also extremely suspicious of gurus, especially the type of people who presented themselves as gurus in America. It took years before I understood the difference between the Indian concept of guru as a legitimate spiritual teacher and a Western charlatan. xv
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Foreword
I was fortunate to meet and study with a wide variety of teachers— none of whom I considered a guru. This deepened my range of experience and knowledge of Tantric practices and sharpened my ability to evaluate teachers and teaching methods. Despite the variety of my studies, I yearned for something more than the form of Neo-Tantra that was being practiced in 1980s America, which was almost exclusively a practice of white, heterosexual, middle-class, middle-aged folks. I yearned—and ultimately had to create for myself—a way of practicing Tantra that included me and everyone else. You, lucky reader, are far more fortunate than I was. You do not have to piece together your own form of Tantra through experimentation and luck. You do not have to read dozens of books or search blindly for the right workshop to introduce you to the magic of Tantra and Tantric sex. You do not have to quit your job and travel to India. You have Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson and this authentic, intelligent, and magical book—a book that delivers exactly what it promises: Great Sex Made Simple. But it also offers you so much more. Tantra is a path of love—a radical path of love. I don’t mean radical as the word is commonly used—meaning extreme or drastic—but rather as the word was originally used, to mean “forming a foundation” or “going to the root or origin.” The root or foundation of great sex is not how hot you look in bed or how many positions you can twist yourself into. The secret to great sex—and this is truly radical in today’s sex-soaked culture—is how present and mindful you can be in each successive erotic moment. For it is only in each present moment—with yourself or with a beloved—that you can reach the heights and depths of the transcendent experiences we all crave. Mark and Patricia excel at finding irresistible ways to entice us into that present moment. You’ll be delighted to find that you don’t have to give up your favorite ways of making love—or living life—to practice Tantra. Do you like making love doggy style? Do you love anal sex? Hair pulling? Toe sucking? Mark and Patricia will show you the infinite number of erotic possibilities in all the things you naturally love and desire. You’ll soon find that Tantra will become much
Foreword
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more than a new skill. It will become a new awareness that will transform not only your sex life, but all of your life. Mark and Patricia have a deep knowledge of the history and traditional practices of Tantra plus a unique understanding of its essence. Their teaching style is an easy blend of intelligence and simplicity. Their greatest talent is their ability to convey the essence of Tantra in a way that’s accessible, appealing, and focused on your pleasure. There is nothing superior or guru-like about them. You’ll feel like you’re chatting with two old friends over after-dinner drinks. You’ll sit in rapt wonder as they unveil the Tantric magic that is possible within even the simplest lovemaking practices, such as stroking and kissing. Great Sex Made Simple is organized as a sex-tips book, making it easy to find what you’re looking for, and allowing you to pick and choose what works best for you. But this is not your typical sex-tips book. Mark and Patricia consistently assume that we all have brains as well as genitals. This is Tantra for smart people. If you thought Tantra was some vague, airy-fairy, woo-woo practice, think again! Would you like to know why Tantra works and where it came from? Do you like your sex—and your spirituality—mixed with a dose of logic and science? I certainly do. It’s what I longed for and seldom found in all my early Tantra training. Mark and Patricia never ask us to accept myth or mystery—they teach with a unique and delightful blend of scientific, sexual, and spiritual wisdom. No discussion of Tantra is complete without its spiritual component. Tantra is, first and foremost, a spiritual practice that includes sex as one of many earthly paths to spiritual awakening. The sexual/ spiritual aspect of Tantra is a turn-on for some people, and a source of skepticism for others. Both were true for me when I first began my study of Tantra. My idea of an effective spiritual practice is one in which the spirituality comes to me as an easy and logical result of the practice. I do not have to force it or chase after it. One of the things I have always appreciated about Mark and Patricia’s work is their ability to let each of us discover the spiritual and the sexual aspects in our own way and in our own time. As they say, “As is so often the case with great secrets, there really is no great secret. Tantric sex has
xviii
Foreword
more to do with your attitude than anything else, so a simple shift in thinking is all it takes. If you can abandon (or at least reduce) goalorientation and focus on the immediate experience, the rest will take care of itself.” The reason I most wish that Mark and Patricia had been teaching Tantra when I was first starting out is their insistence that Tantra can be enthusiastically enjoyed by anyone of any gender and any sexual or affectional orientation. This idea is less revolutionary than it was when I was first learning Tantra, but it’s rarely been endorsed as wholeheartedly as it is in this book. In their embrace of this inclusionary vision, Mark and Patricia are both traditional and transgressive. Historically, transgression is traditional in Tantra. As you will read, Tantra has been a highly revolutionary spiritual practice throughout its long history. Mark and Patricia honor that tradition admirably by interpreting that transgressive spirit for a modern world. So, if you have been avoiding Tantra because you didn’t think you fit the profile of a typical Tantrika, come on in! We’ve been waiting for you. I know from personal experience that trying to explain Tantra or any other embodied spiritual practice in a book can be notoriously difficult. Mark and Patricia have succeeded spectacularly. Great Sex Made Simple will not only guide you toward great sex, but the book itself is like great sex: seductive, sweet, satisfying, sublime, and ultimately—sensational. —Barbara Carrellas
Introduction Tantra is a notoriously difficult word to define. Our teacher, Dr. Jonn Mumford (Swami Anandakapila Saraswati), favors “tool for expansion.”1 Implicit in his definition is the idea that the physical body can be a vehicle for expanding the consciousness. Others translate it as “web” or “weaving,” which suggests weaving the individual consciousness into the fabric of the universe. When we started doing radio interviews to discuss our first book, The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, we were told we should find a way to define the entire tradition in a single sentence—no easy task. We finally arrived at: Tantra is an ancient Indian tradition that recognizes sexual energy as a source of personal and spiritual empowerment. Some interviewers got it, but many did not. We would then go on to explain that sexual energy may or may not imply sexual activity (there are celibate Tantric practitioners), but the underlying idea is that sexual energy is the life force, the thing that brought us into the world, and one of the most powerful motivators in our lives. The more we can recognize and embrace this life force, the more fully human and empowered we will be. We have also defined Tantra as: The magic of transforming your consciousness and thereby transforming your entire being. In fact, none of these definitions is fully satisfactory. Tantra is complicated; its history is the subject of scholarly debate, and it was suppressed in its country of origin for centuries. Although Sanskrit 1
2
Introduction
is an Indo-European language, and the history of cultural exchange between India and Europe dates back to the era of Alexander the Great, it is almost impossible to project back in time and across cultures to imagine what the early Tantric practitioners felt and believed. Nevertheless, many traditionalists, academics, and skeptics deride the modern, Westernized manifestation of Tantra, either for focusing exclusively on sex or for being “woo-woo”: that is, vague, New Agey, and insubstantial. There may be some truth to these criticisms, but modern, Western Tantra was a great place for us to begin. It is what brought us together in early 1999. The way we started our relationship will probably strike many readers as unconventional, but it has worked out very well for us. We met at Mark’s first public lecture on Tantra, exchanged emails for a few weeks, and then went out for lunch. Over that meal, we discussed our mutual interests and decided to start exploring Tantric sexual practice together. There was no drama and no pretense, just the forthright acknowledgment that sex was important to us both and that we wanted to explore it together. We fell in love shortly thereafter, even though neither one of us was looking for a life partner at that time. Our romance was devoid of the emotional volatility that so often characterizes the early stages of a relationship. We started teaching together about six months later and also began exploring more traditional forms of Tantric practice under Dr. Mumford’s guidance. We were married in the fall of 2000. Our work with Dr. Mumford and the initiations he has given us over the years have provided us with a deep understanding and experiential knowledge of inner, nonsexual Tantric practices (which far outnumber the sexual ones), even though most of our work and public teaching have focused on the sexual aspects of the tradition. Our first book, The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, is based on lectures Dr. Mumford gave at Llewellyn’s Gnosticon Festival in 1976. These lectures were among the first, if not the first, public talks on sexual Tantra given to an American audience by an initiated swami. They inspired many of the popularizers of Tantra who followed and were sometimes borrowed without proper attribution. We were honored
Introduction
3
that Dr. Mumford allowed us to rework his material and present it to a new generation of practitioners and seekers. Much of the material in that book remains at the core of our public teaching. Prior to writing Essence, we had created an online course entitled “The Fundamentals of Tantric Sexuality.” The course was designed to guide people to a direct experience of Tantra through the conscious exploration of their own sexuality. The students who completed the program found it incredibly valuable; some even described it as lifechanging. While Essence won an award and was very well received critically, some readers who were unfamiliar with basic Tantric concepts expressed a desire for a more basic book. Based on those requests, we took our online course, expanded it threefold, and reconfigured it as workbook; Llewellyn published it as Tantra for Erotic Empowerment in 2008. We continue to offer people the option of going through Erotic Empowerment with our feedback via email, so the book still functions as an online course, albeit a revised and much-expanded one. Workbooks and online study are not for everyone, since they demand a significant commitment in terms of time, effort, and focus. We firmly believe that the Tantric approach to sexuality can benefit virtually anyone—of any gender; totally new to Tantra or experienced; single or partnered; gay, straight, or bisexual. We also believe that Tantric concepts can be conveyed in a way that is accessible and easily understood. With this in mind, we decided to write a book that would present these concepts and make them applicable, without requiring people to embrace the entire tradition or demanding that they spend many hours in study and self-exploration. We live in a fast-paced world, and time is precious. We wanted to write a book that was concise and authentic, and that provided specific techniques and concrete, straightforward explanations. Although there are many Tantra books on the market, we recognized a need for one that met these criteria. The story of our relationship begins with Tantric sex, and this book is, for the most part, about sexual practices, which are what first attracted us to Tantra. Long before we met, we had both intuited that there was a mystical potential in sex, and we wanted to be able
4
Introduction
to experience that potential at will. Nevertheless, it is important to bear in mind that while Tantra may include sexual activity, it is not merely sacred sex, and to reduce it to just that is to disregard the vast majority of practices that exist within the tradition, practices that are profound and transformational. We love sex; it is very important to us, but even the most sexually active person spends only a limited amount of time at it. If you devote two hours a day to making love (only a tiny minority of people can claim to do this) and eight hours to sleeping, you are still left with 14 hours of wakeful living to do. Tantric techniques were developed to enrich and inform all aspects of life. This is true even though many Tantric practitioners recognize sex as a sacred activity, arguably even the most sacred activity of all. Thus, we hope and suspect that some of what you read in the following pages will enrich your life in general, perhaps in surprising ways. Dr. Mumford spent many years studying in India, starting in the mid-1950s and continuing on and off until the 1970s. Before his retirement from public teaching a few years ago, he regularly returned to India to teach at Ananda Ashram, near Pondicherry. In addition, he immersed himself in various Western occult traditions, and received professional training in chiropractic, osteopathy, and psychology. This background has enabled him to teach in a way that is based on a deep knowledge of Eastern and Western mysticism accompanied by a healthy, hard-nosed appreciation for modern science. We aspire to follow his example in all of our work—to provide our readers and students with an understanding of Tantra that is well founded in the tradition and also concrete, substantive, intelligent, intelligible, and practical. Because of our interest in giving people readily useful tools for enriching their lovemaking and their lives, without imposing excessive demands, we have used a tip-book format and have tried to present the information in short, succinct chapters. This format struck us as being a very practical one. It is also a considerably older and more traditional approach than you might imagine. Many of the classical Tantric texts are written as dialogues between two deities, with one
Introduction
5
instructing the other in various practices. The instructions are often short, to the point, and considerably less detailed than the tips in this book. Nevertheless, we like to think that the structure of our book evokes the ancient texts. We have also sought to evoke the Tantric tradition by dividing Great Sex Made Simple into nine parts and writing fifty-four brief chapters, one per tip. The number nine is the number of completion in Indian numerology: each stage in the life cycle is said to take nine years, and most mantras are recited in multiples of nine (most often 108). There are fifty-four letters in the Sanskrit alphabet. (Sanskrit is the sacred language of Hinduism.) The number has significant symbolic meanings in other cultures and religions as well, and of course there are fifty-four cards, including jokers, in the modern deck. There are also fifty-two weeks in the year, and we imagined that people could put one tip into practice each week, with two extras to start the new year with some added pleasure. As with any of the other esoteric ideas we will be exploring, there’s no need to believe in numerology to understand that symbolism and metaphor can evoke powerful, unconscious associations and imbue mundane experience with richer and more meaningful textures. Although this book is structured as a tip book, the first eight of the fifty-four tips do not describe sexual techniques. It would be more accurate to call them capsule summaries of core Tantric concepts, some of which can be applied to any aspect of your life, not just to sex. Many of the individual tips also include discussions of Tantric philosophy; perspectives on contemporary culture, especially cultural attitudes about sex; and may contain multiple suggestions related to a general practical theme. We strongly encourage you to begin by reading the first nine tips in succession. This will give you a conceptual framework and a level of understanding that will make the specific tips more effective. After that, you may skip around if you find that works for you, although we have structured the book to be read sequentially. Whichever approach you choose, there is a wealth of material here.
6
Introduction
We have written this book with the total beginner in mind, but we hope (and suspect) that even those who are far more experienced and knowledgeable will discover new and valuable insights and techniques that will inform their existing practice. We certainly did as we were researching, experimenting, and writing. On a related note, because of the format and for the sake of simplicity, we have used endnotes rather than footnotes. If you wish to deepen your understanding, the notes and bibliography include many excellent resources for further reading about Tantra, from both practical and academic perspectives. Regardless of how much you know or how experienced you are, the most important thing is to embrace the practices that work for you— the ones that make your life and relationships richer, more rewarding, and more fulfilling. We think you will find quite a few of them in the pages that follow. Enjoy!
Part One
The Fundamentals: Key Concepts and Attitudes
T
antra can seem arcane, daunting, and alien to the beginner. Books, magazine articles, websites, and workshops often make grandiose promises: sexual marathons, bigger and better orgasms, deeper intimacy, increased longevity, and even enlightenment, all of which can seem very alluring. But too often, these promises go unfulfilled. Readers and workshop participants may find themselves baffled or without practical skills for achieving such lofty goals. We certainly experienced this in our early explorations, so we think it is important to save you time by providing some basic facts, eliminating some misconceptions, and sharing some of the fundamental principles behind Tantric sexual practice. The principles are quite simple, and you can start using them immediately, with very little effort. Tantra is a spiritual tradition that is over 1,500 years old. It is diverse, has no central authority, and is generally nondogmatic. It is most commonly associated with the religions of the Indian subcontinent and the Himalayas: Hinduism, Jainism, Sikhism, and the Tibetan Buddhist and BĂśn traditions. Tantric thought may also have influenced some of the more liberal and mystical forms of Islam. In Tantra, the oral tradition and the transmission of knowledge from teacher to student have always been paramount. Texts are useful, but only as adjuncts to oral teachings and what is directly experienced. Because Tantra has a strongly subversive, unorthodox, and even transgressive quality, it was often practiced in secret. Many of the texts themselves are written in what some call “twilight language,â€? with esoteric (hidden) meanings that are not readily apparent to the uninitiated and that are still the subject of debate, many centuries after the texts were composed. There is thus a long history of secrecy associated with Tantric practices, whether or not they involve sexual activity.2
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This history of secrecy continues to manifest itself in the twentyfirst century, although in a different form and mostly for different reasons. If the Tantric practitioners of old kept their activities clandestine because they violated cultural norms, secrecy plays a different and somewhat more vexing role today. This is true both in the West and in India; the word secret has been used to sell our work in both parts of the world. The Indian edition of our first book was published under the title Secrets of Sacred Sex, and one of our instructional films was entitled Advanced Tantric Sex Secrets.3 Like sex, secrecy sells. This modern emphasis on secrecy as a marketing tool affects the way Tantra is taught. In some schools, if you just sign up for the next workshop, you’ll get the secret teachings, the special initiations, and ascend to the next level. There is some validity to this way of sharing information. Education, whether intellectual or practical, depends on starting with the basics. This enables the student to build a strong foundation before learning more advanced techniques, but that is very different from dangling the promise of secret knowledge or even enlightenment for the purpose of making money. We are not suggesting that teachers deserve no compensation for their time and effort in sharing their knowledge; however, if our book inspires you to learn more about Tantra, we encourage you to trust your own wisdom and be very wary of anyone who tells you that great secrets will be revealed as soon as you part with a few hundred or a few thousand more dollars and sign up for the next workshop. Given this emphasis on secrecy, people sometimes find themselves groping for that great hidden key that will open the world of Tantra, with its promise of bliss, ecstasy, and sexual marathons. Bliss is likely to elude you if you pursue it too avidly. Don’t worry about it, and don’t let the desire for lovemaking marathons get in the way of your enjoyment of where you are right now. Not that there’s anything wrong with trying to improve your sexual encounters, or any aspect of your life, but if you can abandon (or at least reduce) goal-orientation and focus on the immediate experience, the rest will take care of itself. If you go within, you’re likely to arrive at a deeper and more genuine kind of satisfaction.
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Part One
As is so often the case with great secrets, there really is no great secret. Tantric sex has more to do with your attitude than anything else, so a simple shift in thinking is all it takes. Sex begins in the brain, and becoming familiar with a few important principles can make it easier for this shift to occur. This is also important because it will provide a context for the skills you will learn in later chapters. Understanding these key concepts will not make you an expert on Tantric philosophy (that can take years of study), but it will give you a foundation so that you can make the most of your new knowledge and apply it skillfully.
Chapter One
Honor Each Other From the Tantric perspective, each and every one of us is a manifestation of the divine. But the process of living has separated us from this awareness. We’ve forgotten our own divinity. Before we can truly worship another, we have to learn to worship ourselves. Embracing this concept can be a challenge. Modern Western society evolved out of a cultural tradition that was monotheistic and dualistic. Even if the Bible says that humans were created in the image of God, we became fallen creatures after the expulsion from the Garden of Eden. Worshipping oneself or another person as an image of the divine is a violation of at least one and arguably as many as three of the Ten Commandments. This is part of our heritage whether or not we had a religious upbringing. We’ve encountered religious people and atheists who bristle at the use of the word divine to refer to a human being. For those religious people, to do so is blasphemous; and for many atheists, divine implies something supernatural, irrational, and otherworldly. Generally speaking, the distinction between the human and divine realms is less clear in the Hindu tradition than it is in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. In Tantra, the distinction grows even more obscure. We are at once sacred and profane, at once human and divine, even if we are initially unaware of our own divinity. Awareness is awakened through practice and a form of very deep roleplaying.
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Tantric practitioners are guided through a process of identification with a deity, which is chosen by a spiritual teacher based on the aspirant’s personal qualities. This process is an imaginative one, involving various meditative techniques including visualization and the chanting of mantras. The literal translation of mantra is “mental tool,” and the word generally refers to syllables, words, or phrases that can be recited aloud, subvocally, or mentally as a meditative practice. In this context, however, mantras are syllables that relate to the particular deity. Similarly, in Tantric sexual ritual, participants worship each other as manifestations of God and Goddess. If you’ve read anything about Tantra or have seen it depicted in movies or on television, you may have heard the words Shiva and Shakti. Shiva is one of the three main gods in Hinduism, and Shakti is a general term for the Goddess. We will go into more detail about these terms in later chapters. For now, it is important to understand that the participants in Tantric sexual ritual are enacting a microcosmic (small-scale) form of an ongoing macrocosmic (universal) process. They are embodying the God and Goddess, which are believed to exist both within and around them. Although it is probably true that the very early practitioners believed in the literal reality of these deities, they are most easily understood as metaphors—personifications of natural forces—rather than as real beings. Whatever the case, the key point is that in Tantric ritual, practitioners worship each other as divine manifestations. You don’t have to believe in Hindu gods (or any god for that matter) literally or as a metaphor to bring this attitude into all aspects of your life. In Buddhism, there’s a concept known as Buddha nature, which refers to our innately enlightened state. Buddha nature is believed to exist within us all, although we may not recognize it. Thus, you can contemplate and honor your own inner Buddha. If you come from a Judeo-Christian background, remind yourself regularly that you are made in God’s image. If you are an atheist, you can focus on the beauty of the evolutionary process that made your life possible and revel in your humanity. If you feel attracted to Hindu deities, you can find an image of one that resonates with you and begin to identify
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yourself with it, by visualizing that image and merging it with yourself. Another simple way to make this concrete is to think of several qualities about yourself that you admire and focus on these qualities for a few minutes a day. The purpose of this practice is profound. Developing a genuine sense of reverence for yourself makes it easier to revere others and thereby deepen your sense of connection. This is not about selfaggrandizement or feeding your ego. It is about recognizing divine (or sublime) aspects in yourself so that you can see them in others, most especially your partner. If you are single, embracing this quality in yourself, and allowing yourself to be awed by it, will almost certainly make you more appealing. You don’t need a ritual to bring this sense of reverence into your relationship. Nor do you need to reserve the attitude for times when everything is going well. Find a divine spark in your beloved and maintain even just a faint glimmer of that spark in your awareness, whatever the circumstances or your emotional state at any given moment. Your relationship will be richer and stronger for it. This can be a challenge at times, but we have found that it is the key to maintaining a deep and enduring connection.
Chapter Two
Know the Power That Dwells in Your Pelvic Floor Tantric practitioners have known for centuries that activating the pelvic floor, which encompasses the area between the tailbone and the top of the genitals, is the key to working with sexual energy at its source and that it is very important to bring awareness to and exercise this part of the body. This idea only gained some measure of currency in the West in 1948, when Dr. Arnold Kegel recommended it as a preparation for childbirth and for restoring pelvic strength thereafter. The truth is that Kegel exercises are good for people of all ages and genders, whether they’ve had children or not. In Tantra and Yoga there are many different ways to exercise the pubococcygeal, or PC, muscles. These exercises are the first step in a number of advanced energetic practices, since Tantrikas and Yogis recognize the pelvic floor as the very root of human existence, the seat of the life force. The root lock, or mulabandha, involves tightening and holding the anal sphincter. Pulsing the anal muscles is called ashwini mudra (the gesture of the horse), and pulsing closer to the genitals is known as vajroli mudra (the thunderbolt gesture) for people with male genitalia; sahajoli mudra (the spontaneous gesture) for people with female parts. (Some traditions do not make the gender distinction and use the terms interchangeably.) This is a very basic
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overview of techniques that are discussed in considerable detail in several classical texts. There’s no need to memorize the terms or become adept at all the variations, although the more you practice, the more skillful you will become. Focusing on and exercising the muscles of your pelvic floor will connect you with the source of your sexual power, not only because you are toning the muscles but also because you are bringing your attention to this part of the body, something people often neglect. These exercises strengthen erections and make it easier to regulate the ejaculatory response. Similarly, they strengthen the vaginal muscles, improve responsiveness, and help make G-spot or ejaculatory orgasms possible. You can begin by closing your eyes and bringing your attention to your pelvic floor. Focus as intently as you can. Then inhale, imagining that your inhalation begins deep inside your pelvis. Take five or six deep breaths, maintaining your focus. Next, squeeze your PC muscles; relax them; then bear down (or push out) very gently, so that you feel your labia open or your scrotum descend, working the muscles fully in three steps. The last step is important because G-spot orgasms involve bearing down, which is an unfamiliar movement for some, and because people often overemphasize the contractions, which can produce too much tension. If you have trouble locating these muscles, you can find them by stopping the flow of urine midstream next time you use the bathroom. Once you’ve found your PCs and know how to exercise them, try doing three sets of ten pulses three times a day and increase the numbers gradually. This is not only a muscular exercise. By focusing on your pelvic floor, you’re bringing attention to your sexuality in a very direct way, and your sexual experiences will be the better for it.
Chapter Three
Collaborate and Take Each Other to New Heights In conventional sex, many things are left unsaid. People tend to make love with “getting off ” as a goal, and they often pleasure their lovers based on an unspoken and frequently unconscious economy of exchange: if you do me for a while, you can expect that I’ll do you, and in the end, we’ll each get ours (if we’re lucky). In other words, people tend to be focused on their own pleasure, and in this context, a partner’s pleasure is a secondary consideration. Tantric sex is very different. Tantric sex is not about getting off (although we’re not against that either). Instead, it’s about maximizing sexual experiences in order to reach what some would call mystical states. And each person is there to help the other attain that sense of transcendent union. In Part Two, we’ll discuss the way contemporary culture has overemphasized verbal communication, but this is an arena in which talking is invaluable. It is important to break out of unconscious, unspoken patterns of sexual behavior, and the only way to do so is to speak openly and explicitly. If you can’t state clearly what you like, either because you don’t know or because you’re inhibited, there’s very little chance that your partner will be able to give it to you, at least not on a regular basis.
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If you can freely express your desires and preferences, you can begin to develop a collaborative approach. Of course, you have to know what gives you pleasure and find the way to express it, clearly, kindly, and at the appropriate time (usually not while you’re in the act, since sexual arousal is accompanied by emotional vulnerability, and ill-considered remarks are likely to hurt more than they would if uttered in another context). If you can reframe your relationship as a collaboration, in and out of bed, it will be much easier for you to communicate, since sharing your thoughts and feelings will benefit you both. Sharing thoughts and feelings is important, but thinking of relationship as a collaboration is a radical reframing that can be transformational. In Tantric sexual ritual, the role of each participant is to take the other higher, not with the expectation of getting anything in return, but out of a desire to facilitate the other’s erotic expansion and access to altered states of consciousness. Remember that the participants in this ritual worship each other as embodiments of the divine, so an attitude of devotion, reverence, and selflessness is essential. We strive to bring this collaborative attitude not only to our lovemaking, but also to virtually every aspect of our life together. It has enabled us to travel the world teaching, to write books, to share a magnificent sex life, and to have a dynamic and constantly evolving relationship. Thinking of sex as a collaborative process can open up new possibilities. If we are just seeking (or hoping for) our own personal gratification, we can easily fall into disappointment when a partner fails to fulfill our desires. We’ve heard people say absolutely brutal things to one another. “You never touch me right” is a common and particularly disturbing example. This statement is at once blaming and disempowering. Nevertheless, we understand why people say such things. They are angry and disappointed because they have accepted a flawed model of relating. If each partner can genuinely embrace being a facilitator, and if both can shift toward a view of sex as a shared adventure, it is unlikely that feelings such as these will emerge. This is true not only in the realm of sex. We like to apply the model that originated in Tantric sexual ritual to every aspect of our
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lives. Relationships can be difficult: there will inevitably be some conflict; there will inevitably be periods when things go less well than they do at other times. Trying not to be self-seeking, remembering that your relationship is a collaboration, and maintaining an attitude of reverence and service will empower you, change the way you experience the difficult times, create more harmony, and bring you deeper satisfaction when things are going well.
Chapter Four
Take Your Time We live in a fast-moving world, and the pace seems to be ever increasing. The saying “Time is money” may be a cliché, but it reflects a cultural reality: society doesn’t value slowing down and savoring anything. There have been some efforts to challenge this norm—the slow food movement is a particularly admirable example—but these efforts at resistance have done little to change society as a whole. Many people yearn for a simpler, more relaxed way of living, but hardly anyone can deny enjoying the benefits of speed in one way or another. The challenge lies in finding a balance and in being able to choose to slow down. The average American sexual encounter is very brief, usually consisting of a little foreplay and then what is often called friction sex— rapid and mechanical thrusting aimed at producing orgasm, and soon. Some people disparage friction sex, and some educators have borrowed the slow food concept and made an effort to apply it to sex. Two books with the title Slow Sex were released in 2011, and some advocates of the approach imply or flatly state that it is a better way to make love.4 We disagree and believe that suggesting one form of sex is better than another is dogmatic, unhelpful, and potentially shaming, particularly for those who have different tastes or patterns of response. There’s nothing wrong with slow sex, nor is there anything wrong with quickies. In fact, we enjoy them frequently, but there’s no need to rush your lovemaking every time. 19
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The traditional Tantric sex ritual lasts for hours. We’ll explain what we see as the most important reason for extending your lovemaking in our discussion of prolonging arousal. For now, we’ll point out that the ritual involves periods of stillness and meditation as part of intercourse. Incorporating periods of stillness into your lovemaking can put you into a meditative state, produce a powerful feeling of connection, and provide you with an opportunity to be together in a new way. You are likely to enjoy subtle textures of experience that are generally unavailable in more intense and fevered encounters. Sex is a great mystery, and every experience is an opportunity to discover something new. This is true even if you’ve been with the same person for years. People return to sex again and again, not because they are trying to get it right once and for all so that they can be done with it, but for a myriad of reasons—pleasure, intimacy, and procreation, to name a few. The Tantric approach adds another dimension. It embraces pleasure and the bonding that can take place when we make love and also recognizes that something even more profound is possible. Try taking some time to notice every pleasurable moment along the way. If you rush to get it over with, you’re likely to miss a lot. Most people have orgasm as the goal when they make love. Orgasms are great. We certainly enjoy having them, but sex is about a lot more than just coming. Savor the journey to your climax. Take it slow, especially if you are used to friction sex. You’re likely to discover new, subtle sensations and nurture a deeper intimacy in the process. There’s an old saying, “The path is the goal.” If you can apply this principle to your sexual life, you’re likely to enjoy it a lot more, and if you can focus on what’s happening in the moment, instead of on the outcome, you’re sure to encounter some new and interesting possibilities. You might even find you’ve crossed over into new territory—a realm of more satisfying experiences and more gratifying orgasms— whether the sex you’re having is fast or slow.
Chapter Five
Build Excitement and Prolong Arousal There’s an old joke that includes the phrase “Oh God, oh God, I’m coming” as the final build-up to its punchline. This expression is very widely used in fan fiction and erotic literature, to the point of being a cliché, for reasons that should be intuitively obvious but that often go unexamined. Whether it is used in jest or to titillate, the saying has deeper implications, and it evokes a core Tantric principle. In a very real sense, coming is a gateway to an inner heavenly realm. Recent research suggests that the part of the brain that registers or generates mystical experience is active during arousal and orgasm. Thus, modern science is starting to validate what the ancient Tantrics understood—that orgasm is one of the mystical states most readily available to ordinary people.5 They also understood something that is perhaps more important: that orgasm is just the starting point. Tantric sexual practices are aimed at making these mystical states available long before orgasm takes place and also at allowing them to linger after the few seconds of peak experience have passed. This is accomplished by prolonging and building arousal, which is why Sting boasted about making love for seven hours at a time and why popular representations of Tantra place so much emphasis on extended lovemaking sessions, lasting several, if not seven, hours. These representations are not wrong, but 21
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they are misleading. We have already suggested that applying Tantric principles to sex involves an effort to abandon goal-orientation, so that you can enjoy and be aware of each moment of a sexual encounter for its own sake. Focusing on goals, whether the goal is orgasm or displaying your sexual stamina, will limit or eliminate your ability to enjoy and be aware. Prolonging arousal is a tool, and that’s all. This is not to say that marathon lovemaking sessions are a bad thing. For most people, they are very pleasurable, and longer periods of arousal do lead to more deeply altered states of consciousness. The truth is: you don’t have to go on for all that long. The changes in consciousness that accompany prolonging arousal can be felt quite distinctly after approximately half an hour. They can be felt regardless of what kind of sex you are having and are not limited to intercourse. Although intercourse is not necessary, most people will require some direct genital stimulation to reach or maintain the level of arousal that is needed to produce the altered state. Thus, it is important not only to prolong the arousal but also to try to build it and maintain as high a level of excitement as you can, even at the risk of losing control. Forty-five minutes of moderate arousal is probably less effective than thirty minutes of being more intensely turned on, especially if you are overly focused on trying to restrain yourself. We don’t recommend distracting yourself by thinking about baseball scores, the weather, or anything other than what you are doing. Alternating between stillness and motion can make it easier to prolong your encounters and can help cool things down slightly if you’ve gotten a little too excited and are about to go over the edge. If you are already multiorgasmic, you may notice a slight decline in the intensity of your arousal after each orgasm, something that shows up as a wavelike effect on a graph (although some people experience a build-up from one orgasm to the next). These drop-offs are fine, provided they are not too steep and you can get back to a high level quickly. Experiment with building your arousal for thirty minutes or more. See how high you can go during that period. We suspect you’ll
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feel quite blissful as a result. When you do have an orgasm, it’s likely to be a powerful one, and afterwards you may feel more energized than you normally do. Take note of how different the entire experience makes you feel. The difference may be subtle, but it will almost certainly be noticeable.