“Alrightgirls,sittogether,”VeronicasaidinherdistinctlyBritishaccent.Itcontrastedthe AmericanaccentsthatsurroundedherintheirnewhomeofCincinnati,Ohio ItwasChristmasmorning andthereweregiftsunderthetree,sotheirglamorouslifeinthefashionworldwasputonhold
Budwasanewadditiontothefamily thenewesthusbandofVeronicaShattuck(neeO’Shea, neeLelean) buthewasbyfarthenicest Inalongstringofboyfriendsandsomehusbands,hewasone ofthefavorites Onethatboughtthemmatchingflannel,fulllengthnightgownswithlonggreenribbons (“that’showmuchIlovedit,”iswhatmymomsaidwhenshedescribedthedress) Hemovedthemtothe UnitedStates,tothishouse,whichwouldbethefirstinalonglineofthem,boughtandsoldtoeventually payforhismedicalbills
Theysatinthedenoftheirnewhouse ACrownRoastofLambwasintheoven,oneof Veronica’sspecialties,andaBakedAlaskawassuretobefreezing.ItwasChristmasmorning,afterall, andshewasstillBritishandinthefashionindustry allstopswouldbepulled.Nicolaandhersister, Alison,satonacouchwithvery-of-the-erared,brownandblackpaisleypillowsbehindthem.Thequilt wasmoreobscured.Nicolawasholdingherfavoritedollandthefirstsemblanceofhaircutbya7year oldwhotookthescissorsoutoftheknifedrawercouldbeseen.Eventually,thedollwouldhavehaircut uponhaircutandheart-felt,yetfruitless,attemptsatstylingit.Nicola’soneandonlyflirtationwiththe worldthatoccupiedhermother’shead,asidefromherowncloset.
“Closer,”Veronicainstructedherdaughters,makingAlisonslingherarmaroundNicola’s shoulders.Onceshewassatisfiedwithherfamily’stableau,thepicturewassnapped abrightflashandit wasover Theirsmilesstayedafterthephotowastakenandtheylookedateachother,gigglingintheir newnightgowns,unawareofwhatwastocome Afterall,Nicolafeltveryprettyinherdress(pretty enoughtonoteit) Afterall,theyjustmovedtoAmericaandtheirfutureswerebright Asidefromthe Englishaccentthatmadethemstandoutinthecrowds,theworldwaswrappedinthegreenribbonaround theirdresses
Oratleast,that’showIimagineitgoing.“YoucanseeitonAuntAli’sface,shestilllooks happy,”iswhatmymomsaidaboutthepicturewhenIaskedheraboutit I’mnotsureofthetimeline,but soonafter,theirbelovedBud amanwhowouldcomeintotheirfamilyandtrytobottlethestormthatis thebloodhistoryoftheLeleanwomen,fruitlessly wouldfallillduetolungcancerandthey’dhaveto movefromhousetohouseinordertopayforhismedicalbills Mymotherwouldworktoridherselfof heraccentandbecauseshewasayearyoungerthantherestofhergradeinschool,shewouldeventually learnthatitwasbettertodriveandeatherlunchonanearbyoverlookthantrytobravethelunchtables
WhenIthinkaboutmymombeforeshehadus,Idon’tliketothinkaboutherchildhoodtoo muchbecauseofwhatIknowaboutmygrandmother
VeronicaShattuckhasabackboneofsteelandwasasingle,workingmotherforalargeportionof mymom’slife.Shemanagedtodressthemwellandsendthemtoprivateschooldespiteit valuingher girl’seducationandappearancesaboveallelse.Shemadesurethattheyhadthepropermannersandknew alloftherightthingstosay.Veronicawasapioneerinthefashionindustryandherclosetisblessedforit. Shecommandsanyroomshewalksinto.Sheworepantsuitsbeforeitwasacceptableforwomento.She openedacreditcardthesecondshecouldunderherownname.Shemarriedmultipletimesandlefteach man.Hersocialcalendarisfilledandherfriendshavenothingbutpraiseforher.Shegetstoknowevery personwhowaitsonherbyname.Shecancinchawaistlikenooneelse.
VeronicaShattuckisoneofthemeanestpeopleI’veevermet.Ifeelluckythatshewasn’tmy motherandIbitetheinsideofmycheekeverytimeIrememberthatshe’smymom’smother Mymom isn’tanaturalblonde,butmygrandmotherhasbeendyingitsinceshewasakid Mymomcan’tmakea CrownRoastofLamborBakedAlaskadespitebeingabletopulloffanyrecipeputinfrontofher My momwaspokedandprodded,herwaistpinchedandchinliftedbyfreshlymanicurednails Shewas positionedandplacedinthephotographsthatlineVeronica’sphotoalbums,despiteherinsatiableurgeto doanythingbutsitstill
WhenIwasgrowingup,mymotherdiscouragedusfromusinganydollsthathadanyassociation withfashion Barbiewasstrictlyverboten Wecouldgetournailspainted,butthatwasabouttheextent ofit Haleyrebelledalmostimmediatelyonceshehitmiddleschoolwithblackracooneyeliner,Grace followedsuitwithboldeyebrowsthatweretoobigforherface,butoftheera,andIcreptbehindthem withabrightpopofredlipstick Ourdoorsclosedasthemakeupthatweboughtsecretlyfromthe drugstoreand,eventually,Sephora,waspressedontoourfaces Creamandpowderblusheslinedmy cheeksandmascarawasswipedontomyeyelashes Byhighschool,Iworemascaraandalittlebitof concealereverysingledaytoschool Shelooked,disapproving,whenwesaunteredouttothecar,only makingacommentafewtimes
“Gotakethatoff,”shesaidwithasighasIstumbleddownthestairs,late “What?Why?”Iasked,mybrowfurrowing.
“You’retooyoungtobewearingeyeshadow.”HervoiceheldafinalitytoitthatIknewbetter thantochallenge.
IcounteddownthedaysuntilIwentawayforcollegesoIcouldmakemyowndecisionsabout whatIworeandthemakeupIcouldputon.Mycroppedtops,eyeshadowpalettesandredlipstickwere packedunderneathsweaterswhenImovedup.SomeofthemIhadboughtmyself,theotherpasseddown bymysistersinourgrandtraditionofthequietliberationfromourparents.Itrieddarkeyelooksand threwleatherpantsonthefloorandcroptopshungfrommydeskchair.IfoundthetopsthatIliked.I foundthepantsthatfit Ilearnedhowtoaccentuatemyfeatures,notchangethem Iaskedfortipsfrom girlsinmyhallandlearnedthebestmakeupremoverstobuy ItiedgreenbowsinmyhairasIgotready forclassandsawhowmuchIsmiledlikemymom IcalledherandwetalkedmorethanwhenIliveda fewstepsawayfromher Ipickeduplittlebitsandpiecesofherchildhoodbetweenthelines Ididn’tlike tothinkaboutit,shedidn’tliketotalkaboutit
“There’snouseindwellingonthepast”HerEnglishaccentcomesoutmorenow Shecan’thelp it Besides,hervoiceismoregentlewithit
ItimidlytoldheraboutthepartiesthatIgotoaftershesawmylocationatafrathouse.Iwaited inbatedbreathforthecommentthatIwassurewouldcomefromher Shetoldmetostaysafeandthat she’dratherknowthannot IstumbledovertellingheraboutaboythatIliked Iexpectedhertogosilent likeshenormallydidwhenItalkedtoheraboutgirlsinhighschool Sheaskedaboutwherehewasfrom “He’sfromLondon,”IrepliedasIbittheinsideofmycheek “Wheredidhegotoschool?”Hervoicewascoolontheothersideofthephone
“Westminster”Sheletoutanairylaughthatwasreminiscentofthespringbreeze “Lily,he’snotworthyourtime,trustme”
Sheturnedouttoberight Ismiled,despitethetears,whenshewas Westilljokeaboutit
Bythetimethespringrolledaround,Itextedhermultipletimeswhenshedidn’trespondtomy phonecallstoprodher.
“Lily,Iwasbusy,”hervoicewastired,buthappytobethere.
Iquicklytiedagreenbowintomyhair,myhairtiebetweenmyteeth.“You’remymom,youget toheareverythingaboutmylife.”Sheonlychuckledontheothersideofthephone.“Idon’tmakethe rules.”Idashedout,myairpodsin,tothebikethatweboughttogether.
WhenIcamehomeforthesummeraftermyfirstyear,Iwalkedupstairstoborrowahairdryer whenweweregettingreadyforaparty.Myfatherwasputtingonhisaftershaveonhissideofthe bathroom.Mymomwasclosetothemirroronhers.Shewasstrugglingtoputonblush,butcouldn’t seemtoblenditoutwellenough
“HeyMom,doyouhavethehairdryeruphere?”
“Yup,”shereplied,hervoicedistracted,assheopenedthedrawerbelowherwithonehand I didn’ttakethehairdryerthough,Ionlywatchedasshestruggledtoputonhermakeup
“You’reputtingonthewrongshade Youhavecoolerundertones,soyou’lllookbetterwitha berryblush,”Isaidconfidently Shestoppedandsighed,growingannoyed “Holdon”Iturnedand rusheddowntomyroomandgrabbedmyblush Iranbackupandsatonhercounter,directingher
LilyKerner,“BerryBlush”,StoryStory#2,5 towardsme.Itookawipeandgentlyremovedthemakeupfromherface.“Youshouldusemicellarwater andagentlewashcloth It’sbetterforyourskin”Asmallsmilecrackedoverherface Iswipedsomeof theblushoverhercheeksandsmootheditintoherskin,lettingitmelt Shepuckeredherlipsformeand closedhereyelids ShelookedinthemirrorandIcouldseeitinhereyes Shefeltpretty “I’llshowyou howtodoittomorrowwhenwe’renotinarush”