Concourse – April 2025 issue (The Shallot Special)

Shrek 5: Keele served as inspiration By Simon Finlay Wells

Big blue orb in the sky? Alien Contact? [Loud Incorrect Buzzer] By Dr. Hugh Mann (PhD in Myth Busting and Ufology)

Joy as Qualley re-opens! By Holden Share

The Forest of Light Replaced by the Vice Chancellor’s Bronze statue By Jacques Ea-Nasir

Student’s ‘Let’s meet up soon’ Message Celebrates One-Year

Anniversary By Hector “Kat” Horwood

Keele Tunnels to be added to the Keele Quintuple By Guy Fawkes

A COLLECTION OF LETTERS SENT IN BY YOU, THE READER: McMillan and his cronies

A letter from a fanatic: Discourse, the better concourse?

Government Calls for More Gen Z-hosted Podcasts By Maddie McCan

Get in contact via the QR code or Instagram:

READ THE NEAR SIDE BY ALDER WOODS AND CO., ALONGSIDE REPPING MY LECTURER AND THE OBITUARY (WRITTEN BYJOEBLACK). As well as...

Page 9 .

New Theory discovered about Alzheimer’s

Added more asbestos to Lindsay: deemed extra safe now Keele going nuclear: “adds to the scenery”

New Theory discovered about Alzheimer’s

Clock house moved 1 ¼ foot to the east

K2 roof collapsed: best turnout ever

Even more steps added to library entrance

New Theory discovered about Alzheimer’s @keele_concourse

Many things seem quite uncertain in this day and age, and we can even see evidence of it here, at Keele University, with the staff cuts looming over head. So, to freshen up our paper and to lighten the mood for you, the reader, we, at Concourse, have decided that just this once, the Shallot shall take over. Any relation to the month of April (in particular, the first day of this month, commonly known as April Fool’s Day), has had no factor in our decision to let the Shallot have its own special.

The more astute among you will have noticed a slight font change to our lettering. The head editors realised that many students have found it hard to read the Concourse editions easily due to some form of dyslexia. For those that do not know about dyslexia, according to my lecturer, they said, “how did you find out where I live?” and “no, I won’t be answering your questions about dyslexia at three in the morning!” Honestly, I thought lecturers were meant to help with all student endeavours? Anyway, studies have found that Comic Sans is both professional and dyslexic-friendly, so, for this edition we will be trialling this font.

Concourse is always looking to improve itself. One such way for us to be more financially sustainable as a society is that the team are working to introduce a subscription fee for our paper copies. This will help fund future editions to be printed as well as keep our society afloat in general. To stay competitive with other universities, the editorial team and head writers have put our heads together to ensure that you the student can afford our paper. After all, Keele’s student paper should be for students. That is the reason why we have decided to charge for a yearly paper copy subscription at an affordable price of £9,250.69. The sharpest student will notice that the price is the old tuition fee that students, prior to the academic year of 2024/25, had to pay before the current government increased it.

Concourse have decided that we will keep the old tuition price to stay relevant within the student paper market but with a tiny increase which is simply to stay in line with the new tuition fees.

Culture

Shrek 5: Keele served as inspiration

By Simon Finlay Wells

Predicted to have the biggest Oscars sweep since The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, Shrek 5 is what some critics may perceive as ‘Oscar-bait’. However, the film has garnered the support of various populations unlike other awarded films. Presently, the lgbtq+ community, Mexicans, and drug cartel kingpins have voiced their support for Shrek 5 over double

winner Emilia Perez, despite Shrek 5 not yet being released. Pre-release buzz has taken over social media such as Instagram, Truth Social, and LinkedIn since the film's announcement on 27 February 2025. Speculation regarding awards season continues to swirl in both the public and critical landscapes.

Theories have circulated as to what the plot entails. Zendaya’s casting may hint at a potential plot line of an extraterrestrial war amongst royals for precious resources, or delve into polyamourous tennis playing that definitely didn’t have enough gay scenes? Additionally, given the short preview, the magic mirror may explore a B plot outlining the trials and tribulations of buccal fat removal and jaw implants.

Having been filmed outside Barnes Hall in 2024, Shrek 5 will quote, “Have the most authentic swamp feel in cinema history” (Walt Dohrn, 2025). The waft of asbestos from abandoned accommodations adds to the effect of Far Far Away’s economic crash of 2018. As canonically nearby fracking has polluted the swamp, Keele’s lake provides the filmmakers with the appropriate look and feel to portray the tragic decline to its audience.

Presently, the film is set to release on 18th December 2026. 2026 is predicted by many scientists and experts in the field that 2026 will be a ‘boiling point’ for climate change, with pollution, deforestation, and food insecurity being major worldwide issues. Lord Farquad is also set to return to the big screen. The writers have announced his plot line will focus on his “greed” frequently firing his courtiers for his own financial gain, leading to an uprising of his subjects. Therefore, present-day Newcastle-under-Lyme was “ideal”, said the directors.

Shrek 5 is the most anticipated movie of the next couple years. Studios are advised to put their films on hold until 2027 so they may have a chance at receiving recognition in comparison, from the public and critics. One critic who was given the privilege of a prescreening declared Shrek 5 to be “one of the most compelling socio-political commentaries of the 2020’s that plays on nostalgia and climate-anxiety”. As a result of this, potentially Shrek 5 may not only be the best film of 2026, but the only film of 2026.

Shrek 5 has left audiences perplexed and enlivened with only 27 seconds of preview footage released so far, resuscitating their favourite childhood characters. Given the sixteen-year gap between films, audiences are left to wonder, will the franchise continue to grow, or will Scotland lower their flag to half-mast?

Keele & beyond

Joy as Quarry re-opens!

By Holden Share

There was shock and horror jubilation among locals recently with the announcement that Walleys Quarry Ltd has come out of liquidation and has managed to overturn the closure notice, which had been stopping landfilling operations.

On 32nd March, it was announced by the environment agency that they had been mistaken in all previous reports and that the management was “completely competent and held both the community’s and the environment’s best interests close to their hearts.” When asked for further elaboration, whilst on holiday on his yacht in Monaco, Phillip Duffy, chief executive of the Environment Agency, is quoted as saying “They [mangers of the quarry] are a bunch of stand-up guys really. This whole hoo-ha was just a mistake, and one which we won't repeat.”

Concourse learnt from Robert Meeterson of 10 William Clowes Street, Stoke-On-Trent, ST6 3AP, who wished to remain anonymous, that the quarry miraculously cleared its debt after two shocking events. The first was the discovery of a USB stick which, alongside with a terabyte of adult content (some with concourse branded props), had £25 million (approximately 2.7% of the UK GDP according to Keir Stalin) in Dogecoin. The second astounding event was the donation of a further £2.49 by Ed Miliband as part of the UK’s Net Zero plans alongside with £37,000 from Steve Warshal, head of Greenpeace, who was quoted by an Aukland newspaper as saying “They [Walleys quarry] will do far more for the environment than we will with another boat.”. It is believed that Ed Miliband may have also donated a pack of Walkers ready salted crisps (other options are available), however this remains unconfirmed.

As a result of this large influx of money into the previously sinking company it is believed known that all debts were paid, all staff reinstated at normal salary and donations made to several members of the press. Locals were also alarmed pleased to hear that the quarry was to also, as part of the environmental policy, open itself to accepting harmful chemical waste (curtesy of Great British Nuclear, Porton down and

Dodgy Dave) in a defiantly not chem-pit. Additional security, in the form of 3 men, a five-year-old child and a baby alligator, all of whom are armed with tasers, have also been deployed to prevent vandalism from any would-be protesters and/or DGSE agents since the managers of the quarry have acknowledged that a vocal majority minority in the community will not be thrilled about the re-opening, but are hopeful the artificial aurora borealis that is expected to be given off will lighten the mood.

In unrelated news, I recently bought a house so can all mail regarding current affairs be sent to No.12, 4mile lane, Stoke-On-Trent, ST23 68QW.

The Forest of Light Replaced by the

Vice Chancellor’s Bronze statue

By Jacques Ea-Nasir

Students and staff woke up yesterday to find that the "Forest of Light" had mysteriously vanished overnight. In its place, in Union Square, stood a 100meter-tall bronze statue of the honourable Vice Chancellor, named "The Beacon of Success" or B.S. for short.

The official university press release hailed this bold new development as "a strategic investment in Keele’s visual identity," ensuring that students and faculty would no longer be distracted by irrelevant symbols of "freedom," "learning," and "selfexpression." "In these trying times, it is vital that we consolidate our resources," the statement read. "What better way to represent Keele’s values than with an enduring image of strong, unwavering leadership?"

It is unclear how the statue was financed, but an internal memo suggests that its construction coincided with a series of mysterious "cost-saving" measures. Among them: stealing students’ own clothes and selling them back in a popup event in the ballroom, the introduction of a new "Bring Your Own Lecture Room" policy for lecturers, and an experimental program scrapping Panopto and replacing it with prerecorded inspiring voice messages of the Vice Chancellor’s speeches.

"It's a masterstroke of efficiency," stated senior administration, who requested we now call them “the Black Order,” and who have also stated that, "With fewer staff members, students will have the privilege of absorbing knowledge directly from the statue’s unwavering gaze."

Student opinion, however, is split. "I just don’t understand how this is supposed to help my dissertation," lamented a third-year philosophy student. “They replaced the kitchen sinks with medieval wells FOR THIS! I’m making indomie out of fridge water for God’s sake.” However, some are extremely passionate about the new landmark. "I was unsure about it, but the eyes have made me see," stated a professor dancing at the statue's feet, and “Let him achieve your salvation,” said a Business student who would scream if we got too close.

Most faculty members attempted to voice concerns, but after seeing their peers beamed up by

the statue’s all-seeing eyes, the commotion slowly wavered. When we consulted “the Black Order” about the sudden disappearance of staff members, they responded that the student-lecturer ratio was now “perfectly balanced, as all things should be,” and that recent beaming's were “inevitable.”

Meanwhile, students have launched a desperate crowdfunding initiative to reinstall the Forest of Light. However, experts suggest that the new bronze statue may be too costly to remove, and that there is biblical evidence that its placement is ordained by God.

Thus, it will soon be granted honorary tenure by the US, who have also declared the Keele UCU as “dangerous terrorists.”

The statue is a shining symbol of efficiency and bold leadership. All I can say to the students of Keele is to look into his eyes and let him guide you. Glory to McMillan.

(This reporter disappeared into the Keele Woods and was never seen again.)

Student’s ‘Let’s meet up soon’

Message Celebrates One-Year Anniversary

By Hector Horwood

Wednesday 12th March marked a full year since university acquaintances, Emily Stevens and Jake Reynolds, first exchanged the fateful message: “Let’s definitely meet up soon!” Despite both expressing apparent enthusiasm at the time, the two remain locked in an unspoken agreement to never actually follow through.

The original message, sent shortly after an awkward run-in outside the library, was met with mutual excitement, excessive exclamation points, and a vague suggestion of “grabbing coffee.” Since then, neither party has taken the next crucial step of actually making plans, instead opting for occasional, half-hearted follow-ups every few months.

“Emily and I were super close in first year, so of course I meant it when I said we should meet up,” said Jake. “But, like, we both have busy schedules. She’s doing her dissertation, I’ m… well, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I feel very overwhelmed most of the time, so that counts.”

“I honestly meant it at the time,” said Emily. “But, you know, life just gets in the way. Every time I think about messaging Jake, I remember I haven’t responded to my grandma’s text from last month, and suddenly, it just feels like too much responsibility.”

Over the past 12 months, both students have diligently maintained the illusion of an impending reunion, crafting increasingly elaborate excuses for not picking a date. Their last exchange in January included the phrase, “We have to catch up after the holidays!!!” - neither specifying which holiday they were referring to.

Friends close to the pair confirm that neither Emily nor Jake have actively avoided the meet-up; they’ve simply prioritized other things, such as rewatching White Lotus, complaining about deadlines

they haven’t started, and scrolling through their phones for five hours straight.

“It’s just one of those things, you know?” said Jake, who has, at this point, memorised Emily’s Instagram stories but hasn’t seen her in person since 2023. “Like how I always tell myself I’ll start running, or that I’ll delete Twitter. Some things are just destined to remain theoretical.”

Experts say the Stevens-Reynolds case is far from unique, with research suggesting that over 90% of “Let’s meet up soon” messages in group chats, casual run-ins, and post-drunk-night-out DMs never materialise into real-world interactions.

“It’s a psychological phenomenon known as ‘Social Procrastination,’” explained Dr. Lydia Haines, an expert in human interaction. “By continuously agreeing that a meet-up is necessary but never actually setting a date, both parties feel socially responsible while also avoiding the inconvenience of real-life commitment.”

As the one-year mark approached, both Emily and Jake expressed mild guilt but remained hopeful about a future meeting.

“Look, I know it’s been a year, but it’s still technically soon in the grand scheme of things,” said Emily, who, when pressed, admitted that she lives a 10-minute walk from Jake.

Despite the growing tension, neither party is willing to be the first to suggest a concrete plan, fearing it may disrupt the delicate equilibrium of their relationship.

At the time of print, Jake has reportedly composed a message reading, “Let’s do next week???” but remains to send it, knowing full well that Emily’s inevitable reply of: “Yes! Let me check my schedule!!!” will only extend the cycle further.

Meanwhile, experts predict that by 2026, Emily and Jake will have escalated to the next level of social avoidance: enthusiastically discussing how they "have to plan a trip together" without ever picking a destination.

Keele Tunnels to be added to the Keele Quintuple

By Guy Fawkes

As of recent, the student union have received an influx of complaints about the completion of the Keele Quintuple, claiming it was “too short”. The Keele quintuple challenges students to have intercourse in 5 key Keele landmarks, consisting of Keele Hall, the Student Union, Keele library, the woods, and the chapel. This challenge was thought to be satirical, until after Shag Week, when our social media officers were bombarded with aggressive and sexually charged messages, claiming that the Keele Quintuple was “too short” and “more shag places” were required. After much discussion between high ranking officials, the choice was made to add “Keele tunnels” which were old service tunnels used for water and electricity. The tunnels are now abandoned and students have been informed to keep out, yet keep visiting despite warnings.

Members from concourse were sent to interview students who frequent the tunnels; whom, when asked

about their experience in the tunnels, said “I must be trippin’” or “call an ambulance” amidst incoherent screaming. Given this evidence, the Student Union solidified the tunnels as a safe location, and have deemed it an addition to the new and improved “Keele Sextuple”. After consulting the Squirrel Bar and bribing several of the workers, they have introduced a ‘celebratory pint’ for those that complete the Sextuple, given that sufficient evidence is provided from each of the locations (though camera footage from the woods may already be archived).

Letters

A letter from a reader: McMillan and his cronies

The vice chancellors signing off on staff cuts, and general mismanagement of funds whilst attempting to treat students as customers and this place of learning as a business quite frankly disgusts me and I think that Trevor can go fuck himself quite frankly and the geriatric prick should retire in shame and retreat back to which ever crevice of hell he emerged from. I hope that the little comfort he receives from his 300k a year paycheck will make up for the harm caused to the many families whose lives will be heavily impacted by his decisions as well as those of the students whose money pay for his ‘university driver’ and aforementioned pay check.

You and your cronies plot away in the clock house whilst seemingly trying to actively ruin this once fine institution whilst investing in genocide and lining your back pockets. With your attempts to target and stifle creative fields and your obvious bias towards STEM shows your priorities and closed mindedness.

Lastly, I could easily knock the shit out of you swear down, any time any place so don’t even try it ya heard.

May some power in the next life forgive you, Trevor, as I think I speak for many when I say that I won ’t forgive your greed nor your callousness and worst of all your cowardice.

Censored due to our wish to continue our promising relationship with theSU.

articles? Staring at an empty screen awaiting a single response? Don’t worry, Concourse is too! No matter –simply fabricate a community of tenants yourself, and cut-out the middlemen. To mirror our beloved newspaper’s riveting section ‘Repping my landlord’ (or some variation), Discourse would aim to pit our imaginary community of Concourse readers against their imaginary tenants, with fun-filled stories and descriptions exposing THE TRUTH behind every ‘Dear Landlord’ lie.

Comics that are Thinly Veiled First-Hand Experiences of our Team

Tired of reading comics that aren’t about YOU? So am I! Here at discourse, we aim to boost our ego with every panel. Everything you read will be about ME. Every character included will be uncanny – in a cute way – and help you reminisce about myself. I will further feature my various lovers, but largely my preferred one. I hope you derive pleasure from my mundane everyday activities, like making pancakes on pancake day *GASP*. How couldn’t you?

C.H.A.P.E.L: Concourse House for Administration, Procedures, Efficiency and Leadership

The discourse team has noticed positions within Concourse that could be made redundant, to improve overall output quality. Namely: The Editor-in-chief, Deputy Editor-in-chief, Treasurer, Concourse subeditor, Shallot editor, Culture editor, Keele & Beyond editor, Opinion editor, Current Affairs editor, Science & Technology editor, alongside all other writers and contributors. We firmly believe the removal of these positions would greatly benefit the society’s workflow, and our beloved Concourse in turn. This section would discuss our proposed roadmap for such alterations to the society. If you fear these changes are too drastic, or unfair, fear not! All removed team members will be subsidised with half-bars of chocolate.

Keele Card Competitions & More

Wondering where the FUN is in Concourse? Look no further than Discourse. We will feature various exhilarating games on our final pages. For example, KEELE CARD MANHUNT; with each issue, we will pick a random student ID for students and staff to track down. The first to find them, and display photographic evidence, will win a packet of Marlboros and a meeting with a mystery guest. KEELE CARD SHIPPING: every issue will further pick two random students using their student IDs, planning them a blind date and inclusive (but not mandatory) Uber to gossip. WHO’S THAT LECTURER: every issue will feature the silhouette of a mystery lecturer for readers to identify. WHAT COLOUR IS THE KEELE DRAGON TODAY: Not a catchy title – I know – but what it lacks in memorability it makes up for in FUN. Like ‘who’s that lecturer’, the silhouette of the Keele dragon is shown, and your job is to guess what colour we’ ve photoshopped it today! Note that, due to printing costs, the answer books will NOT be made available. The fun’s in the game!

Dissatisfied with your student-led newspaper? Feel like it doesn’t truly represent you? Hungry for more, like dear reader Alex? Discourse is here to relieve your misery, with a fresh newspaper that verily cares and tends to your every need. Below are (some of) the proposed sections:

Repping My “Repping My Landlord”:

Struggling with quality and genuine submissions for

We believe at Discourse a new page needs turning, to truly create a student-led and interesting newspaper for Keele. Therefore, we will accept the immediate dissolution of Concourse, or repentance in the form of a three-days public humiliation by shallotthrowing at the forest of light. After repentance, we will dissolve Concourse into Discourse, altering it as outlined in C.H.A.P.E.L. The choice is yours Concourse!

I WILL NOT BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS OR QUERIES

Current affairs

Government Calls for More Gen Z-hosted Podcasts

By

In a bold move to improve youth engagement, government officials have announced a new initiative requiring the immediate creation of more Gen Zhosted podcasts. The new policy, aimed at boosting cultural discourse among young people, mandates that every new podcast must feature a twink with a moustache, a girl with an effortlessly cool fashion sense, and at least three unnecessary references to Aphex Twin and/or Wendy Williams per episode.

“Frankly, we’ve noticed a worrying shortage of vaguely intellectual, casually chaotic conversations between two best friends who claim they ‘didn’t even prepare’ for the episode,” said Culture Secretary Oliver Reynolds. “Young people need more platforms where they can misquote philosophy, analyse the cultural impact of Fleabag for the hundredth time, and tell deeply personal stories that probably shouldn’t be public.”

The initiative has sparked both enthusiasm and criticism within the podcasting community. Many Gen Z creators support the policy, arguing that there is always room for yet another show where two people with near-identical music tastes sit in a dimly lit bedroom and talk about how “society is actually so insane right now.”

However, with the likes of Emergency Intercom, Cocteau Twinks, and Pop Off currently dominating niche pop culture, some industry experts warn of an oversaturation crisis, with fears that the market is

The definitely non-alien portal spotted in the night sky.

already flooded with introspective, slightly pretentious conversations about nothing. “If every podcast follows the same formula—one charismatic gay, one effortlessly witty girl, and at least one episode titled ‘Capitalism is Literally Killing Us’ we may reach critical mass,” said Dr Helen Carter, a media analyst. “At some point, we have to ask: are there even enough niche subcultures left to analyse?”

Despite concerns, the government has assured the public that diversity remains a top priority. To avoid redundancy, new podcast hosts must provide a unique selling point, such as:

•Only recording episodes from a parked car.

•Never preparing any notes but still confidently explaining complex geopolitical issues.

•Basing their entire brand around a niche 2000s pop culture figure, like Lindsay Lohan mugshots or Skins (UK).

A mandatory discussion about mental health that seamlessly transitions into a debate about which Miu Miu ballet flats are the best.

Under the proposed policy, funding will be allocated to ensure that every podcast is equipped with at least one episode about growing up in a small town, a slightly problematic guest who no one calls out, and a discussion about how insane 2014 Tumblr was despite the hosts being barely old enough to remember it.

At press time, a government spokesperson reassured the public that while this new wave of Gen Z podcasts may seem redundant, they remain a vital form of self-expression.

Some critics may ask, ‘Do we actually need another podcast where two people just ramble about the same topics but in a different way just because it’s their take on pop culture for an hour?’

To that, we say: Absolutely.

Science & Tech

Big blue orb in the sky? Alien Contact? [Loud Incorrect Buzzer]

By Dr. Hugh Mann (PhD in Myth Busting and Ufology)

Throughout the years, representations in the media of UFO’S and Aliens have spiked curiosity and instilled fear in populations globally. Only more recently however, governmental bodies, such as that in the US, have confirmed the existence of aliens. Here at Keele, the Observatory had picked up on a phenomenon that shocked researchers, and soon they jumped on the bandwagon too and confirmed extraterrestrial presence.

Shallot merchandise

In yet another shocking example of Keele overfunding unnecessary ideas, vice-chancellor Trevor McMillan has personally donated tens of thousands of pounds, alongside diverting excess funds from SHAG week to Concourse in aid of developing their branded sex toys. In a private interview with the vicechancellor, the Concourse team found that his large donation “has nothing to do with my personal interests and everything to do with their incredible dedication to sustainability” with the new line of Concourse branded sex toys containing ‘Concourse Condoms’, which are made from recycled editions, ‘The Shallot Strap-on’, and ‘The Stroker-in-Chief’, alongside many

The Near Side

extraterrestrial life forms not from earth. My human counterparts and I have notoriously and mathematically tested to understand whether other life forms can exist along side us.

We concluded that the US government (not surprisingly) and Keele Observatory do not know what they are talking about. Anything that they say about aliens, my team and myself will always disprove! Furthermore, why would we aliens come to earth when there is a vast number of other planets with less selfdestructive societies inhabiting them? The only explanation for all the ‘UFO Sightings’ and ‘Alien Experiences’ is that people don’t know what they are talking about. They see a fully explainable event that has nothing to do with alien life and think to

other toys. A free set of googly eyes is said to be included as a package in any sex toy purchase made between 1st April 2025 and 8th April 2025.

By Alder Woods & Co.

Frog Fact Corner!

Repping my lecturer The usual stuff

A safe space to express you most sincere concerns about your most beloved lecturers! These opinions have been collected recently and reflect the honesty and sincerity of the Shallot news section. Dear lecturer, can you please explain to us why

you insist on bringing a box of rocks labelled “BRIGHTON BEACH – NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL RESALE” and spend the first half of the lecture counting them out one-by-one? We think it’d be a better use of our time if you were to instead spend that time teaching us the content for the module – we do pay for your salary, after all.

Yours, students

Dear lecturer, with the advent of the “Free Cornetto For Every Student Who Turns Up To Lectures” campaign being run within our faculty, we had assumed that students would be given a range of Cornetto flavours to choose from each time they turned up to their classes, but as we have found out after a week of rigorous testing, it’s the same flavour each time. As a personal fan of the red Cornetto, this has forced me to make the tough decision on switching from taking a chemistry degree to taking a forensics degree. The only way you’re getting me back is with red Cornettos.

Yours, students

Dear lecturer, when you first started teaching us about the importance of keeping fit whilst at university, we thought your dedication to teaching by example through running around the lecture theatre for the entire 2 hours whilst providing us with the lecture material was commendable, but we didn’t think it was particularly helpful when teaching us about quaternion algebra or 18th century romanticism poetry. This only lead to you exhausting yourself within the first 10 minutes and made the rest of the lecture quite useless. Would you be able to take the next few lectures a bit slower?

Yours, students

Dear lecturer, a number of weeks ago, we mentioned that you are sometimes a little quiet in lectures which can make it hard for us to take adequate notes, but we only expected you to speak a little louder – especially in when in the lecture theatres. Instead, you have elected to spend 250% of

YOUR

star sign

the faculty’s yearly budget on installing a sound system suitable for a large concert in the lecture theatres you use, and this has only made the issue worse as this has resulted in making most of the cohort deaf. Would you be able to help us by using BSL in lectures from now-on?

Yours, students

Thank you to our readers that submitted letters for repping your Lecturers!

Obituary: RIP TeslaTM

Born in 2003, and hijacked by Elon Musk in 2008, Tesla lived a short but eventful life. As a company set up with the aim of improving the environment, it sometimes struggled, like all of us, to keep up with expectations, namely the copious environmental violations and illegal dumping of hazardous waste. Where it lacked in environmental ethics it certainly made up for it in terms of the treatment of its workforce. Tesla was well renowned for going above and beyond for its employees, even going as far as to hack their phones, making sure that there wasn't anyone struggling with the notoriously safe working conditions. Employees didn't even have to worry about having the onerous task of having their voices heard, as the countless NDA’s and being relieved of the burden of union membership put pay to that.

Tesla had several models of cars that people, who if they had the money, could buy. Their cars are known for their safety and efficiency, if you ignore the countless vehicle malfunctions during testing. The final days were an upsetting affair, which saw even the number one salesperson in the White House dealership, Donald Trump, struggle to find buyers, other than a few people who up until recently thought that EV’s were stupid, and that climate change is a hoax. Nevertheless, Tesla will be remembered fondly by business owners that sell spray-paint, with it being the preferred medium of choice by ‘domestic terrorists.’

by Moss