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BEARRACUDA
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THE ROCK
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FRESH BRUNCH
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O NE . N.TEN
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AGRA
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CORONA RANCH
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AIDS WALK PHX
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AUNT RITA’S FOUNDATION
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PRIT
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LET IT ROLL
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17 W. Vernon Ave., Unit 3 Phoenix, AZ 85003 (602) 750-1164 www.IONAZ.com ionarizona@me.com PUBLISHER / SALES / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero ...................... jacktesorero@me.com EDITOR Deon Brown ............................... ionazeditor@me.com CREATIVE DIRECTOR Alex Campos ...................... ionazproduction@me.com COPY EDITOR ...................................... Austin Head PRODUCTION & ARTWORK SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 PHOTOGRAPHERS: Franklin Diaz Scotty Kirby LeakedGlass Production RSVP Photography Fernando Hernandez Rafalogie Studio CONTRIBUTORS:
Addison DeWitt C. Edwards Ted Kirby
Peter Lora Paul Sanchez Miss Tiger
Published monthly by
1995-2020: 25 Years of Design and Creative Excellence Š 2020 JMT Designs, Inc.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN DENVER, CO
All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee. NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company. Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications. All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.
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Heel, Yes! Welcome to the Finale of ION Arizona Magazine
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his month, we put on our high heels for Bar 1’s Heel Party, hiking boots for Hike for Pride, 80s roller skates for Gay Skate, golf cleats for the GPGLCC Golf Tournament, running shoes for Pride Run and our walking shoes for Phoenix Pride Festival and Parade! Even ION will have new shoes next month.
VIP Experience Ion Arizona is proud to sponsor the Phoenix Pride VIP Experience for the fifth year. This year Vermillion Events takes the experience to the next level. New, bigger, lakeside location, photo booth, free food, free drinks and, of course, front row main stage viewing area. Get your tickets today at PhoenixPride. org/vip Check out the Phoenix Pride preview on page 38.
ION APPy Hour It’s time again for another fabulous ION APPy Hour at Bar 1. This month, we’re celebrating the new and improved Phoenix Pride VIP Experience. Download the ION Arizona APP for great prizes, free food and a chance to win two one day passes to the VIP Experience. Check out the ad on the right. Heel Party The weekend before Phoenix Pride is one of the most outrageous parties of the year. It’s time to put on your your favorite high heels (you know you have some size 11s) for Bar 1’s 10th Anniversary Heel Party. While heels are not mandatory, it sure is fun to “walk” around in the highest heels you can find. It will make you appreciate all of our local drag queens and what they experience all year long. Check out the feature on page 66. 22
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The Dawn of a New Beginning As the sun sets on another chapter of ION Arizona Magazine, we see more than just Arizona. We see the world. In 2001 we started only in Phoenix, then Tempe, Scottsdale, then we moved into Tucson, Flagstaff and later Bisbee. Now, with the new ION Mobile APP, we are ready to take on the world. Take us with you on your next excellent adventure. So put your heels, shoes, cleats, boots and skates and get ready for a month of fun in the Arizona sun. Look for the new ION at the Phoenix Pride Festival April 4 & 5. Support your community and all it’s awesome events while you raid your shoe closet. Jack M. Tesorero
Proud Shoe Lover
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t’s time for the Phoenix Pride Festival presented by Bud Light Seltzer as they celebrate 40 years of Fortitude! Join up with your posse and make new friends, too. There’s plenty of vendors with great merchandise along with lots of information and service providers in the city, state and beyond, in addition to some of the best food trucks in town when you get your hungry on, plus beer and cocktails, too for the 21+ crowd. Ready for some class act entertainment? Check out seven stages with over 150 performances packed into two days of fun, Saturday, April 4 and Sunday, April 5.
only that, in the tent you can relax in air conditioned comfort, enjoy adult beverages, and use their “executive restroom.” Expect more surprises with your VIP ticket available online at PhoenixPride.org The Main Stage: Music is the great cosmic gate to Togetherness. This stage is where local artists, bands, Pride royalty, drag queens and the headliners shine. You just might find your favorite new band or singer here, all for the price of admission to the festival.
Latin Stage: Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga! I know you can’t control yourself any longer! You don’t have to be from South of Pride Dance Pavilion: Don’t be fancy, the Border to get just get dancy! What’s the dealio? A floor into the groove with with high energy dance, pop and Top 40 the best in Latin music for all you nitty gritty, dirty entertainment little freaks! on this stage. Tish Tanner Community Stage: This is Here’s the where local speakers, entertainers and line up! And youth performers get a chance to get in get ready on the act. for a few Bistro Stage: Get your vibe on in a surprises coffee house atmosphere, mellow out to be and listen to some smooth jazz and announced! acoustic music with the cool cats. Erotic World Stage: Leave your inhibitions (and kids under 18) at home. This is for adult oriented artists, entertainers and performers—like those naughty boys from Dick’s Cabaret and a few kink and fetish performers. VIP Experience: The place to be for a front-row spot at the stage! Not 26
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The Main Stage Presented by Circle K Saturday, April 4 11:30 AM - 12:45 PM - House Music 12:45 pm - 12:55 - Mayor Proclamation 1:00 pm - 1:55 pm - Pride Royalty & Friends 2:00 pm - 2:55 pm - AFABulous Showcase 3:00 pm - 3:55 pm - Kim Etiquette & Friends 4:00 pm - 4:25 pm - Jenn Cunata 5:30 pm - 5:55 pm - Mia Martina 6:00 pm - 6:55 pm - Celebrity ICONS Show
Melanie Fiona 7:10 p.m. This two-time Grammy Award-winning artist, singer/songwriter from Toronto, Ontario, Canada will amaze you with her rich voice. Her dynamic voice propelled her 2009 debut album, The Bridge, hit the Top Five R&B/ Hip Hop. She’s also toured with Mary J. Blige and D’Angelo. Embracing her curves, Melanie is an advocate speaking out about body positivity. She’ll bring her sophisticated blend of bluesy, soulful R&B, hip hop, jazz, reggae and classical flavors to the stage where her soulful charm, wit and genuine story-telling ability expresses vulnerability and strength. Find out more about her at MelanieFiona.com
Neon Trees 8 p.m. “It started with a whisper ...” it’s because “Everybody Talks” and they’re talking about the reunited Neon Trees. This alt-pop-rock band from Provo, Utah know how to keep the party going. They’re favorites everywhere they go, and were even featured in the 2012 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, appeared on America’s Got Talent, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Tonight Show and even had their single “Everybody Talks” covered on the Glee. They’ve reunited and coming to take the Phoenix Pride main stage closing out Saturday’s festivities with a bang! We’re crazy about their open, out and proud front man Tyler Glenn. His smile will light up the stage. March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 27
Phoenix Pride SUNDAY April 5 Deborah Cox 7 p.m. We’re excited to welcome Deborah Cox back to Phoenix Pride! She’s a Grammy Award nominated, multi-platinum R&B/Pop recording artist who wowed audiences on stage in The Bodyguard, Jekyll and Hyde and as the title role in Elton John and Tim Rice’s Broadway hit, Aida. She has an impressive list of #1 records on the Billboard’s Hot Dance Club Play charts. Not only that, in 2015 with the Harvey Milk Foundation at the Diversity Honors recognized her efforts in the fight against HIV/AIDS within the LGBT community. But, wait? Did you say you wanna dance? Get ready ... because Deborah delivers!
Jody Watley 8 p.m. She’s “Still A Thrill.” One of the top female artists of all time, Jody started out as part of the girl group Shalamar, She went on to create her own style and image laying down “really funky, hard, dance tracks” with her first solo album and winning “Best New Artist” Grammy award in 1988, three Soul Train awards and many other nominations. Her R&B, jazz, dance and pop style is a crowd pleaser, making her an icon for her groundbreaking achievements and influence. Get ready, because Jody’s gonna show us some “Real Love.” We’re excited for this music legend to headline the Main Stage, closing the 40th Annual Phoenix Pride as she bids everyone, “Hasta la vista, baby!” 28
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LATIN STAGE Presented by Titos Handmade Vodka and produced by Clup Papi Featuring DJ Polo from Seattle, and DJ Alex Hollywood from Los Angeles
Saturday, Fedro 3:30 p.m. Fedro is a singer and actor who, thanks to his vocal talent, starred in touring Broadway musicals performed in Mexico such as “RENT”, “Jesucristo Superestrella”, “Godspell.” At the same time Fedro was Coca Cola’s official voice. Fedro’s first solo album, “Besos Excesos” (Too Many Kisses), was released in March of 2010 and reached the number 15 as the “Latin Pop Album” on Billboard, and the number 63 in the “Top Latin Album” of 2010.
Puerto Rican Invasion 4:30 p.m. - 5 p.m. ¡Echa Pa’lante! No hurricane can stop the dynamic island queens from RuPaul’s Drag Race when they hit the stage. Get ready for your favorites Jessica Wild, April Carrion, Yara Sofia and Lineysha Sparx to get a little loco for you! (Maybe a lot loco!)
Los Horoscopos de Durango 5:45 p.m - 7 p.m. The Latina beauties, sisters Vicky and Marisol Terrazas, currently form one of the longest running recording groups in the regional Mexican genre performing the popular music style known as Duranguense banda. This musical powerhouse has won several Billboard Music Awards and Latin Grammys. Their rousing, energetic music has a universal appeal and their strong, percussive music style means they’ll have no problem standing out on Pride’s Latin Stage. Fun Fact: Like Menudo, Los Horóscopos de Durango has been around long before the Terraza sisters were put in the front.
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Phoenix Pride
Sunday Featuring DJ Tatiana from Denver
RuPauls Drag Divas 2:45 p.m. - 3:15 p.m. Jessica Wild, April Carrion and Lineysha Sparks return back to the stage in a new show.
La Sonora Tropicana 3:45 p.m. - 4:45 p.m. Experience the most melodic musical representation and rhythms of Colombia! Once you hear the sexy cumbia beats of La Sonora Tropicana just try to keep from dancing.
Maribel Guardia 5:30 p.m. - 6 p.m. Latina beauty queen-turned-actress Maribel Guardia won the title of Miss Costa Rica in 1978. The statuesque beauty made her life and career in Mexico, quickly emerging as a star on the small screen and jumped into feature films in 1979. In the late ‘80s she became a recording artist and appeared on the covers of every fashion and beauty magazine in Latin America turning her into a cultural institution. She’s made more than two dozen movies and starred in several telenovelas and made many goodwill appearances for charitable causes. A beauty icon in much of Latin America, she’s known as “La Bella” (“the Beauty.”)
VIP Experience Ginger Minj “I like to describe myself as a glamour toad.” This plussize gal with plus-size comedy talent was a finalist on the 2015 RPDR season 7 and hustled her big, beautiful butt back to the stage for RPDR All Stars season 2 in 2016. Florida’s funny girl is Joshua Eads-Brown in real life, who declared, “I am an overweight, asthmatic, chain smoking cross-dresser from Orlando.” You won’t want to miss her celebrity appearance exclusively in the VIP Experience on Saturday and Sunday.
DJ Kirk Cummings Everybody loves badass (and by that I mean hot ass!) Kirk Cummings! His legendary audition for American Idol in 2006 will never be forgotten. Since then this super sexy stud went on to become an award winning veteran of the adult motion picture industry and the fun-loving DJ every Saturday night spinning your favorites at Stacy’s @ Melrose. (We bet he’ll even spin a little Britney if you ask him nice!)
events ION Mobile Appy Hour Find out what it’s all about, where it is and when ... all from the comfort of your smart phone. There’s only one way: The ION Mobile App! Don’t miss the ION Arizona and Phoenix Pride VIP Experience Pre-Party at the ION Appy Hour on March 19 at Bar 1, 3702 N. 16th St. in Phoenix. (See ad p. 21)
Charlie’s Fiesta Weekend & Chili Cook Off ¡Arriba! Grab your maracas and head over to Charlie’s for a weekend of fun! Kimora Black from RPDR performs, plus there’ll be food, dancing, live “Oompa! Oompa!” music and more. Don’t forget the Chili Cook-off & Salsa contest with prizes. It all happens March 21 at Charlie’s, 727 W. Camelback Rd. in Phoenix. (See ads on pp. 13 & 15)
10th Annual Heel Party at Bar 1 There’s nothing like a pair of Bandolino’s, Jimmy Choo’s or Manolo Blahnik’s to make you feel like a queen. So break out those cha-cha heels, because it’s time for the 10th Annual Heel Party! So buckle up those ankle-strap spectators and we’ll see you on Saturday, March 28 at Bar 1, 3702 N. 16th St. in Phoenix. (See ads on pp. 64 & 65)
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4th Annual Chamber Rainbow Golf Classic C’mon, duffers! Grab your woody (as in golf club, not the one in your pants) and spend a day on the links. It’s also a chance to win a 7-night Alaska Cruise and lots of other prizes. Arizona Biltmore Gold Club, Friday, April 3 at 8 a.m. $125 per player for a full round of golf. Sponsored by the GPGLCC. Fore! Register at PhoenixGayChamber.org. (See ad on p. 43)
Red & Wild Pride Block Party Get ready to party with your friends and celebrate Pride! The Phags social group is hosting a full weekend of fun! The official pre-party is Friday, April 3 at Kobalt, the main event is Saturday, April 4 at BS West with musical prodigy Danny Verde spinning. (See ad on p. 17)
MARCH 2020 ION EVENTS DATE Weds. 13 14 15 17 17 20 20-21 21 21-22 28 28 thru 29 APRIL 2 3 3 3-4 3-5 3-5 4 4-5
EVENT LOCATION Big Gay Wednesdays Movies Film Bar Blackout Party Charlie’s SWLSb-CBB Contest The Anvil Miss & Mr. Phx Pride Pageant DoubleTree Hotel St. Pat O’s Day The Bunkhouse St. Patrick’s Day Party Dick’s Cabaret Pup Night The Anvil Spring White Out Party Dick’s Cabaret High Heels & Harnesses The Anvil Fiesta Weekend & Chili Cook-Off Charlie’s Gear Night The Anvil Heel Party Bar 1 Renaissance Festival
CITY Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Tempe Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Gold Canyon
Pride Skate Chamber Golf Rainbow Classic Bearracuda Ripple Phx Carnival Pride Celebration Pride Party Weekend Red & Wild Party Phoenix Pride Festival & Parade
Glendale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix
Great Skate AZ Biltmore The Rock Stacy’s @ Melrose Karamba Charlie’s Kobalt/ BS West/ Flex Steele Park
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drag Miss & Mister Phoenix Pride Pageant Get ready for the glitter and glamour as the excitement builds to a fever pitch! Who will be the next Miss & Mister Phoenix Pride? We’ll honor the reigning King and Queen, Gray Matter and Vanity St. James before the contestants take the stage on Sunday, March 15 at the Tempe DoubleTree Hotel at 2100 S. Priest Dr. in Tempe. Doors open at 3 p.m. and the pageant begins at 4 p.m. Funds benefit the Pride Scholarship Fund. (See ad on p. 7)
MARCH 2020 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE 8 21 27 Mondays Tuesdays Wednesdays Wednesdays 2nd Thursday 3rd Thursday 4th Thursday Thursdays Thursdays 2nd & 4th Fri Fridays Friday’s Fridays Fridays Fridays Saturdays 2nd Sat Saturdays Saturdays 3rd Sun Sundays Sundays Sundays
TIME 9:00pm 10:00pm 10:00pm 8:00pm 9:30pm 10:30pm 8:30pm 9:30pm 9:30pm 10:30pm 10:00pm 10:00pm 10:30pn 9:30pm 10:30pm 9:00pm 9:00pm 10:30pm 8:00pm 10:00pm 9:30pm 11:00am 7:00pm 10:30pm 10:30pm
LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S) The Rock Late Nite Snax with Bennadiction Charlie’s Ru Paul’s Kimora Blac The Rock Rock Bottom with Benaddiction \ Charlie’s The Strip Factor - Piper M’Shay & Adriana Galliano Charlie’s Claudia’s Karaoke Cabaret “Sing with the Queen” Charlie’s Diamond in Fuego with Diamond Dallas Karamba Karamba Girls Show with Mileena Dallas & Fernanda Vargas Cruis’n 7th Desiree DeMornay’s “Talent Bonanza Tea Party” (first show 3/12) Cruis’n 7th “The GIG” with Fantasia Saxton (first show 3/19) Cruis’n 7th “Cruisn’ Latinas” with Lady Liz (first show 3/26 Karamba Gigi DeMilo Show Charlie’s Pipin’ Hot Thursdays with Piper M’Shay The Rock Coco’s Charm School Cruisin’ 7th TGIF (Thank Grande Its Friday) with Espressa Grande Charlie’s The Boys & The Booze With Diamond Dallas & The Sinful Studs The Rock Special Event Rotating Drag Shows Plazma New Times Best Drag Show Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty BS West Elements - The Valley’s Top Drag Entertainers Cruisin’ 7th Lady Christian’s Lady & the Tramps Bliss/Rebar Brunch After Dark Hosted by Navaeh McKenzie The Rock The Barbra Seville Show Charlie’s Saturday Under the Stars With Claudia B and Pussy LeHoot Bliss/Rebar Bliss Blush Drag Brunch Hosted by Barbra Seville Charlie’s Pussy LeHoot & Friends Charlie’s Latin Explosion With Adriana Galliano Karamba Ruby Reynolds Show March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 39
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concerts Post Malone
This introspective performer’s jam is a melting pot of country, grunge, hip-hop, R&B and something called “cloud rap.” Singing, rapping, and spooky electric folk is his thing. This tatted-up stoner does his thing on Sunday, March 15 at the Talking Stick Resort Arena, 201 E. Jefferson St. in Phoenix. Wanna go? Visit TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000. Leave your beerbongs and Bentley’s at home.
Tucson Hip Hop Festival
You hippity-hoppers won’t wanna miss this showcase including graffiti to deejaying, breaking to rapping with artists from across the USA. This is an experience nothing short of dopeness featuring Conway the Machine. March 27-29 at 191 Toole and the UofA. For info and tix visit TucsonHipHopFestival. com. TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000 or go to the Rialto Theatre box office.
Celine Dion
“Near, far ... wherever you are ...” Your heart will go on ... and on, and on, and on ... even if you have to drive all night to catch this record-breaking Canadian songbird on Sunday, March 29 at the Gila River Arena, 9400 W. Maryland Ave. in Glendale. Tickets: 800745-3000 or Ticketmaster.com
MARCH 2020 ION CONCERT CALENDAR DATE ARTIST 6-8 M3F Music Festival 7 Bernadette Peters 7 I Love the 90’s 15 Post Malone 16 Hot Chelle Rae 17 Third Eye Blind 20 Gladys Knight 20 Daughtry 26 Squirrel Nut Zippers 27 Tucson Hip Hop Festival 29 Celine Dion
LOCATION Hance Park - Phx Chandler Ctr. for Arts Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Talking Stick Arena - Phoenix Crescent Ballroom - Phx The Van Buren - Phoenix Celebrity Theatre - Phoenix Talking Stick Resort - Scottsdale Rialto Theatre - Tucson 191 Toole Gila River Arena - Glendale
PHONE M3FFest.com 480-782-2680 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 CrescentPHX.com 800-745-3000 602-267-1600 800-745-3000 877-987-6487 800-745-3000 800-745-3000
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stage Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure Tour
It’s been 35 years since someone stole Pee-Wee Herman’s beloved bicycle. Where is it? (Hint: it’s not in Alamo’s basement.) See a special screening followed by stories about the classic movie with Paul Reubens. Saturday, March 7 at Arizona Federal Theatre, 401 W. Washington St. in Phoenix. Tix at TicketMaster.com or call 800-745-3000
Chicago
Roxie Hart is sent to prison for killing a man. In prison she meets Velma Kelly, a vaudeville star with twice as much blood on her hands. The two vie for the same lawyer, Billy Flynn and give it the ol’ razzle dazzle March 13-19 at Arizona Broadway Theatre, 7701 W. Paradise Ln. in Peoria. Tickets: 623-208-6479 or visit AZBroadway.org
I’ll Eat You Last a chat with Sue Mengers
“You want to be a thing? Make yourself that thing.” For more than 20 years Hollywood agent Sue Mengers’ clients were the biggest names in show biz. You’re invited into her glamorous home for an evening of dish and secrets only Sue can tell. Warning: this play contains profanity, smoking, alcohol consumption, drug use and gossip. March 27-April 4. iTheatre Collaborative at Herberger Theater Ctr. 222 E. Monroe St. in Phoenix. Tix: iTheatreAZ.org or call 602-252-8497
MARCH 2020 ION THEATER +STANDUP DATE 3-8 6-22 7 thru 7 thru 7 7-28 12-13 13-19 14 thru 15 thru 15 18 20-22 thru 24 24-29 27-4/11 thru 28 27-4/12 APRIL thru 5
EVENT COMPANY PHONE Once on this Island ASU Gammage - Tempe 480-965-3434 La Cage aux Folles AZ B’way at Herberger - Phx 623-776-8400 PeeWee’s Big Adventure Tour AZ Federal Theatre- Phx 800-745-3000 A Midsummer Night’s Dream SW Shakespeare Co.- Mesa 602-644-6500 Richard the Second SW Shakespeare Co.- Mesa 602-644-6500 Legend of Georgia McBride AZ Theatre Co.- Tucson 520-622-2823 Nick Thune Copper Blues Desert Ridge - Phx 602-910-5161 Chicago AZ B’way Theatre - Peoria 623-776-8400 Doughboys Live Copper Blues Desert Ridge - Phx 602-910-5161 Shrek: the musical Mesa Encore Theatre 480-644-6500 Festival of New American Theatre Phx Theatre 602-254-2151 Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson 520-621-3341 Michelle Wolf Tempe Improv 480-921-9877 Always, Patsy Cline Hale Ctr. Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 A Bronx Tale UofA Centennial Hall - Tucson 520-621-3341 I’ll Eat You Last iTheatre Collaborative - Phx 602-252-8497 Guys and Dolls Hale Ctr. Theatre - Gilbert 480-497-1181 Sistas: the musical Black Theatre Troupe - Phx 602-258-8729 Sondheim on Sondheim
Phoenix Theatre
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movies T
he mystic Orient offers up these two pearls of wisdom.
Go Back to China Sasha Li (Anna Akana), is a rich, spoiled brat. After she blows through half of her trust fund, her father cuts her off and forces her to go back to China to work in the family toy business. Kinda like if Paris Hilton had to work in housekeeping at a Hilton hotel. This semi-autobiographical film offers bittersweet portrait of self-discovery and fractured family dynamics plus an honest look at the human cost of products made in China.
Mulan Starring: Liu Yifei, Jet Li, Donnie Yen, Jason Scott Lee, Gong Li
Fortune Cookies is. Don’t expect a cookie-cutter duplicate of the original. It’s a full-scale martial arts epic positioning itself further away from the animated classic than previous live action reboots. Lots of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon-like CGI gymnastics make this quite a spectacle for the big screen. The tale follows the familiar story from Chinese folklore: a young woman (Yifei) who disguises herself as a male warrior to take her father’s place in battle in order to save him. Unlike other live-action remakes with classic plot lines, Mulan rebuilds several key elements found in the 1998 feature. You won’t see the heroine facing off against the leader of the Hun Army, or falling in love with her captain. Instead, our plucky lady will be up against a powerful witch and find love with a fellow solider, Chen Hongui (Yoson An). Commander Tung (Yen) was created for the film to serve as her mentor. Look for the delicious new Disney villain who will terrorize Mulan, Xian Lang (Li, Memoirs of a Geisha, Curse of the Golden Flower)
The House of Mouse keeps churning out live action reboots of Disney classics. Now Mulan gets the flesh-and-blood treatment. Plans for this reboot have been in the pipeline since 2010, announced in 2015 for a November 2018 release, and now here it March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 51
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music
Aural Fixation
by Peter Lora PeterWasTheWolf@Gmail.com
Tame Impala
Grimes Miss Anthropocene Grimes, (aka Claire Elise Boucher) is the best-kept secret of millennials and Gen Z. The self-taught, self-produced, Canadian electronica girl wonder, whose LP’s have gained her a cult status is now a sought after collaborator for the pop pantheon and the alleged mother to an Elon Musk scion. Miss Anthropocene was first introduced with “We Appreciate Power” a tongue and cheek, guitar-driven bop that pledges allegiance to our future A.I. overlords. Like a Black Mirror episode, the collision of real-life and the digital age is threaded throughout; a theme made even more personal by her relationship with one of the world’s most disruptive futurists. The sounds and sequencing of the album are reminiscent of Madonna’s Ray of Light, and like a New Age Madge, often ethereal “So Heavy I Fell Through The Earth,” “Before The Fever,” worldly with the Bollywood “4ÆM” and Tokyo “Darkseid.” “Delete Forever” mixes acoustic guitars and banjos with her technical prowess for what might be her best song to date. With clubready “Violence” she lets us all hear that she could be a Robyn, Charli XCX or Jepsen but her and our possible futures won’t let it be. Available Now
The Slow Rush Kevin Parker, the genius behind Tame Impala, may have had his hand at being a Max Martin type by working with Gaga, Rihanna, and Kanye to name a few, but in his own work he’s still a sonic maximalist introvert. This is a perfect companion piece to its muchacclaimed predecessor Currents. Parker leaves the lo-fi rock sound of his early work for the chrome finish you’d from the BeeGees or Quincy Jones. Where Currents seemed to be a much-deserved grab at world stardom, The Slow Rush is a victory lap. Available Now Allie X
THE DL SONGS TO DOWNLOAD ARTIST - SONG Allie X - “Susie Save Your Love” feat. Mitski Tensnake - “Automatic” feat. Fiora Christine & The Queens “People, I’ve been sad” King Krule - “Cellular’ The Weeknd - “After Hours” Lilacs - “Waxahatchee” Sam Sparro - “Love Like That” Jessy Lanza - “Lick in Heaven” Ghost Culture & Kiwi - “Angst” Glass Animals - “Your Love (Déja Vu)” March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 55
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viewing The Point! 50th Anniversary Ultimate Edition Voices: Mike Lookinland, Ringo Starr, June Foray Produced in 1970, The Point! first aired February 2, 1971, as the ABC “Movie of the Week,” which was a big deal back in the day. It was the first animated special ever to air in prime time on US television, with story and songs written by Nilsson. This trippy, psychedelic, Yellow Submarine style fable tells the story of a boy named Oblio (Lookinland, “Bobby” from sitcom classic The Brady Bunch), the only round-headed person in the Pointed Village, where by law everyone and everything must have a point. Banished to the Pointless Forest along with his faithful dog, Arrow, Oblio learns a few things about life. Taken from a rare 16mm print, the end result is the best edition on disc and digital that has ever been created for this classic animated film. Actor/voice talent Mike Lookinland said that his participation in this film is his proudest achievement. Available $19.99
now:
Back to the 70’s
I Got You Babe: The Best of Sonny & Cher
There was a time when network TV was peppered with variety shows: hosts like Carol Burnett, Donny & Marie, and even the Muppets would deliver a little stand-up, sing, dance, and do skits with guest stars. Kinda like SNL, but good. Husband and wife team Sonny Bono and Cher brought their own talent and wit to TV from 1971-74 with the top stars in show biz (now nearly all dead.) Still entertaining, these DVDs are a charming bit of nostalgia plus you’ll see Cher’s original face. The extras include a fascinating interview with the Ageless One about the show. Time Life will also bring The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour to leading digital platforms for the first time. Available for download on Amazon, iTunes, and Google Play will be 10 hand-picked episodes of the fan-favorite TV Variety show. Available now. $27. Deluxe editions available at TimeLife.com
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Photography By: LeakedGlass Productions Creative Direction By: Alex Campos Model: Jay Ward Life is short. Your heels shouldn’t be. After all, darling, just one shoe changed Cinderella’s life. Now’s your chance ... the legendary Bar1 celebrates the Heel Party 10th anniversary. How can you live the high life if you don’t have a pair of high heels? Maybe you’ve got a pair of stilettos. Sling backs. Or kitten heels. Perhaps some Pompadour heels? How about some wedgies? It doesn’t matter. Just think about how fabulous your legs will look when you sashay into Bar1 like a supermodel. (It might be a good idea to practice first.) We’ll see you at Bar1 on Saturday, March 28. Remember, keep your heels, head, and standards high. March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 65
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Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Cruisin’ 7th Tia’s Teasers (W)
Cruisin’ 7th Tia’s Teasers (W)
BS West Industry Night (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s Undie Monday (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Stacy’s @ Melrose Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s Undie Monday (W)
BS West Industry Night (W)
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
OZ Bar Bingo (W)
Charlie’s Sunday Funday (W)
The Rock Late Nite Snax
Tempe Double Tree Hilton Phx Pride Pageant
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s Sunday Funday (W)
Bar 1 Karaoke (W)
Charlie’s Sunday Funday (W)
Cruisin’ 7th Sunday Extravaganza (W)
Roosevelt Row First Fridays (M) Plazma Freaky Friday (W)
BS West Formal Male Review (W) Bar 1 Two for One (W)
BS West Formal Male Review (W) Bar 1 Two for One (W)
Charlie’s Loteria Night (W) Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
Film Bar Rocketman Dick’s Cabaret WTF Wednesday (W)
Bar 1 Heel Party 10 The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
Plazma Freaky Friday (W) The Rock Rock Bottom
BS West Formal Male Review (W) House of Comedy Aida Rodriguez
Film Bar Priscilla Cruisin 7th Cruisin Play Mates (W)
March 2020
Charlie’s Chili Cookoff Dick’s Cabaret Spring Whiteout Party
Bar 1 ION Appy hour
Charlie’s Loteria Night (W)
The Anvil High Heels & Harnessess
The Anvil APAH Pup Night
House of Comedy Ryan Sickler
Cruisin 7th Cruisin Play Mates (W)
The Anvil SWLSh-CBB Contest
The Rock Barbra Seville Show (W)
Melrose Melrose Street Fair
The Rock Miss Gay Melrose America
SATURDAY
Charlie’s Blackout Party
Cruisin 7th TGIF (W)
FRIDAY
THURSDAY
WEDNESDAY
I N PARTY CAM EVENTS • (W) WEEKLY EVENT
Bliss/ Rebar Taco Tuesday Trivia (W)
Pat O’s Bunk House Free Buffet
OZ Bar Pocker (W)
Charlie’s Karaoke (W)
TUESDAY
MONDAY
SUNDAY
hydrat
DRINK & EVENT GUIDE
PHOENIX FRIDAY SATURDAY
SUNDAY
Anvil
FURTASTIC FURIDAY 10pm HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
WMW DANCERS 7:30pm HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
BEER BUST 2-4-1 Dom Pints HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
Bar 1
HH 10am-7pm
$2.75 Domestic Bottles 7pm-9pm
$1.50 Bud Light Drafts $2.75 Canned Beers ALL DAY
HH $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
Brunch Specials 10a-3p $12 Bubbly $6 Bloodys/Sangria
$12 Bubbly, $6 Bloodys 10a-3p 1/2 OFF Cock. 2-7pm KARAOKE 9p
Elements Show 10:30pm $5 Tito’s Handmade Vodka All Night
2-4-1 Go-Go Dancers, øExtended Patios VIP
Sunday Funday KARAOKE 10p $2 doms - $3 Marys & Mimosas
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Miller Products 8pm-cl
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm $2.50 Bud Products 8pm-cl
FryBread w/ Joe Jackson 12p-9p JAZZ w/ Kenny Thames 7:30pm
$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well-Dom 2-7pm $1 Draft 7pm-9pm $5 Crown 9-12a
$3 Pitch/2-4-1 Well/Dom 2-7pm $1 Well 7-9pm $3 D. Eddy 10-12a
Super Happy Hour 4-7pm $3.50 Pitch, Lg Isld, AMF’s Open-Cl
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Espressa Grande 10:30pm
Hunk Happy Hour 4:30pm Lady Christian 10:30pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-2pm TS Dancers 10:30pm
2-4-1 VIP & 50% off Cover 7-10pm
Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways
2-4-1 Cover, Wristbands & VIP Dances
HH 3:30-6:30pm & 11pm-Close $2 OFF Apps / Well / Wine / Beer
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5 & $6 Big Brunch Drinks 10a-3p HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10:30am -6pm
Happy Hour Drink Specials 10am-6pm
Vaquero Fridays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Saturdays 9-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $3 Drinks
Top 40 Sundays Ruby Show $3 Pitchers Beer Bust
Oz Bar
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY KARAOKE 9pm POKER 7pm
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY KARAOKE 9pm-Cl
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY Bingo 1p
Plazma
$3 Well & Dom Until 8pm $4 3 Olives & $3 Fireball Shots
HH $3 Well/Dom Btl/Drft 12/8pm All Male Revue 10pm
Football Sunday 7p $3.50 Dom Pitch, Mimosas & Bloody Marys
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm Drag Show 10p
2-4-1 11a-7p KARAOKE 9p Barbra Seville Show10p
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom. 11am-cl Drag Show 10p
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Pinnacle Flavors 8pm-Cl
HH 4-8pm $2.50 Rolling Rock $4.50 Firball 8pm-Cl
$2 Rolling Rock & Well open -7pm 7-10pm $2.50 Wells & Rolling Rock
$4 Absolute Vodka/ shots ReverseHH 9pm - Midnight
$7 Sake Bombers ReverseHH 9pm - Midnight
$3 Mimosas $4 Bloody Marys $7 Sake Bombers 11am - 5pm
Bliss/ReBar
BS West Bunkhouse Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th
Dick’s Cabaret FEZ Hula’s
Karamba
The Rock Stacy’s Wok’N’Roll
W
TUCSON FRIDAY SATURDAY Hotel Congress
IBTS
Live Music on the Patio Tom Walbank 7p DJ Dirtyverbs 10p
Free Dance Party 10pm DJs Sid the Kid, BOBFelix & More!
Flawless Fridays with China Collins
Saturday Night Starrletts with Janee Starr
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Br
SUNDAY Br
Hot Club of Tucson 10:30pm Club KARAOKE 10pm 2-4-1 9p-Close KARAOKE
MONDAY
TUESDAY
Beards, boxers & Briefs $1 OFF HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
$2 Miller High Life & well vodka cocktails 8pm-close
2-4-1 WELL 8pm-close HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
KARAOKE 9pm HH $1 OFF 1 - 8pm
$1.50 Bud Light Drafts, $5.25 Martinis 7pm- Close
KARAOKE 9pm $3 well, dom bottle & drft
$6 Huge Long Islands
2-4-1 U-Call-It 10am-2am (except shots & pitchers) $4 Bellinis
HH ALL DAY $2 OFF Well/Beer/ Select Apps/Wine/Prem.Spirits
$3 OFF Taco Platters $6 Big Margaritas
20% OFF ENTIRE BILL (excludes discounted items)
$20 Any wine bottle $15 Any wine bottle w/ food purchase
HH Drink Specials
College Night 2 for 1 Go-Go Dancers - VIP
Thirst Trap w/ Men of BS $4 Heineken / $6 Absolut & Jager
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Pool Tournament 9pm
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Dart League 7:30pm
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm KARAOKE 9pm $3.75 L.I.
2-4-1 8am-2pm HH 2pm-8pm Undies/Leather night $1 Off
Underwear Party 8pm-Cl 50% off w/ your Pants Off $3 Jack
2-4-1 Open to Close KARAOKE 8:00pm
$5 Ketel One/Malibu $3.50 Dom Pitch $3 1800 Tequila 8pm-Close
2-4-1 All Cocktails & Beer Open-Close
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm TS Dancers 10:30pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm
WMW Dancers 10:30pm HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm
HH $2.75 Well/Dom 6am-8pm Variety Night See Website
Amateur Night Starts at 10pm
WTF Wednedays $5 Cover and almost everything else!
Thirsty Thursday $5 off Cover w/ ION AZ Ad
$5.55 BIG Margaritas ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$5.55 Classic Martinis ALL DAY HH 3:30-6:30p & 11p-close
$2 OFF Glasses of wine 50% OFF Bottles of wine
$5.55 BIG Signature Cocktails G Spot / O Spot / B Spot/ A Spot
Mysterdy Mondays $5 Mystery Cocktail/Shot
2 N’ 2 2 apps & 2 cocktails $25
All Night Happy Hour Regular Happy Hour all Night
Facebook/Twitter Special Text “Hulas” to 90210 after 6pm
Cumbia Night $3 Pitchers Karamba Girls Show
Urban Thursdays - Gigi DeMilo Show $3 Pitcher $3 Drinks
1/2 Priced Well and Beer
KARAOKE 9pm $3 Drinks / $3 Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY Trivia Night 8pm
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY Poker 7pm
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY DRAG BINGO 8pm Poker 7pm
$3 Well/Dom 6a-7p $6 Call ALL DAY KARAOKE 7pm POKER 7pm
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic
HH 2-4-1 4-8pm $2 Well & $3 Domestic 9pm-Close
2-4-1 4-8pm Sinful Studs 9pm-Mid
HH 2-4-1 ALL DAY Beautiful Losers Comedy SHow
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm KARAOKE 9pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Underwear Night
HH 2-4-1 Well & Dom 2-8pm Drag Show 10p
KARAOKE 9pm-Close HH All Day & $2.50 Rolling Rock
HH All Day $5 Martinis All Day & $3 Rolling Rock
2-4-1 4pm-Midnight Happy Hours Midnight- Close
HH ALL DAY Thursdays Only 2-4-1 from All Other Bars
$3 Bud Light/ Kilt Lifter/ Fries $5 Half dozen wings
2 Spring Rolls for $1
$4 Well Drinks Till 9pm
$4 U Call It Shots till 9pm $4 Green Tea Shots
MONDAY
TUESDAY
90s House Party 10pm w/ DJ Sid the Kid 90¢ PBR Br
3-4-1 Well Drinks 8p-Close KARAOKE
Geeks Who Drink Trivia Night 8pm
Br
Tequila & Mexican Beer ALL DAY
WEDNESDAY
THURSDAY
Live Music
Salvador Duran 7pm OPTI CLUB Dance Party 10pm
Viva La Diva Show with Diva
2-4-1 All Day Go Go Boys 11pm
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PHOENIX Address
Phone
1. Anvil
2424 E. Thomas Rd.
(602) 334-1462
2. Bar 1
3702 N. 16th St.
(602) 266-9001
3. Bliss/ReBar
901 N. 4th St.
(602) 795-1792
4. Boycott Bar
4301 N 7th Ave.
(602) 515-3667
5. BS West
7125 E. 5th Ave., Scottsdale
(480) 945-9028
6. Bunkhouse
4428 N 7th Ave.
(602) 200-9154
7. Caravan Taphouse
4835 N 15th Ave
(602) 274-7756
8. The Cash
1730 E McDowell Rd.
9. Charlie’s
727 W. Camelback Rd.
(602) 265-0224
10. Cruisn’ 7th
3702 N. 7th St.
(602) 212-9888
11. Dick’s Cabaret
3432 E. Illini Rd.
(602) 274-DICK
12. FEZ
105 W. Portland St
(602) 287-8700
13. Flex Spas Phoenix
1517 S. Black Canyon Hwy.
(602) 271-9011
14. Hula’s Modern Tiki
5114 N 7th St.
(602) 265-8454
15. Karamba
1724 E. McDowell Rd.
(602) 254-0231
16. Kobalt
3110 N Central Ave. Park Central (602) 264-5307
17. Los Diablos
1028 E Indian School Rd.
18. NuTowne Saloon
5002 E Van Buren St.
(602) 253-0689
x
(602) 795-7881 (602) 267-9959
19. OZ Bar
1804 W. Bethany Home Rd.
20. Plazma
1560 E Osborn Rd.
x
21. The Rock
4129 N. 7th Ave.
22. Stacy’s @ Melrose
4343 N 7th Ave.
24. IBTs
(602) 266-0477
x
(602) 248-8559
TUCSON Address 23. Hotel Congress
(602) 242-5114
(602) 264-1700 Phone
x
311 E Congress St., Tucson
(520) 622-8848
x
616 N 4th Ave, Tucson
(520) 882-3053 March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 75
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your favorite bitch S
Dear Either They Lied To Your Silly Ass Or Your Shows Are Boring As Hell,
pring is nature’s way of saying “let’s party!” So by summertime these folks will be messier than a discount birthday celebration at Chuck E. Cheese …
Looks like you went looking for coins and got a case of carpal tunnel instead! And we all know Chaturbate ain’t offering health insurance for your shattered wrist.
Dear Miss Tiger,
So with that in mind here’s a little food for thought:
My boyfriend says he’s away on business. I spend a lot of time by myself and surf Pornhub to satisfy my sexual needs. I was looking for something to watch and discovered that he’s a porn star! I had no idea he was bottoming in adult films. HELP! — Zack Dear Away On Eggplant, Darling, please don’t take this the wrong way, howevah, like my abuelita always says: birds of a feather flock together. And next month, your man will be writing to me about your shenanigans— which will probably be something like … you were the center of attention in a gang bang cuckold while sailing the seven seas on one of those gay cruise liners … NEXT! Hi Favorite Bitch, Chaturbate lied to me! They promised I’d make good money and my shows aren’t making shit! I spend hours masturbating and have little to show for it. I need your advice! — Donny
Just like the movies ... folks want the climax and not some dragged out story. Dear Tiger, My doctor diagnosed me as a nymphomaniac. I’m talking on free phone sex lines to keep myself out of trouble. My friends say I’m out of touch and suggested that I hop on Grindr instead of chat lines. What do you think? — Mike Dear I Think I’d Take An Ear Infection Over An Infected Penis Any Day, Holding a phone is a lot more comfortable … than holding hands while waiting for test results at the free clinic!
The Miss Tiger Show Every Tuesday at 6 p.m. MST Live on MissTiger.com Advice Columnist • Radio Personality ... and everyone’s #FAVORITEBITCH Website: MissTiger.com Instagram/Twitter: @MissTiger Advice: Tiger@MissTiger.com March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 77
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slings & arrows by Addison DeWitt
I
A
t’s been a long haul, readers. I’ve been covering the waterfront for you for about 15 years. Together we’ve learned what it’s like to “suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune ... in a sea of troubles”—but mostly oceans of fun. I took a trip down Memory Lane and thought I’d share a few snapshots of some of you who’ve made this all worthwhile. For me, anyway. Where would I be if it weren’t for the marvelous Barbra Seville? (A) I’d probably be in the video arcade of Zorba’s, that’s where. She’s always been my cheerleader with golden hair of machine spun Dynalon™.
B C
WWW.IONAZ.COM March 2020
I always get a smile on my old puss whenever I see my pals Dusty Brinsmade and Joen Romero Martinez. (E) These pretzels and arepas are makin’ me thirsty!
F
G
My favorite little Pop Tarts, Trevor Grant and his husband, Tylor Caruso, always keep me on my toes. (B) 80
It’s hard to believe that I’ve known that darling, unpredictable Carnita Asada since she was just a tiny little albondiga in high heels back in 2010 and just starting out. (D) I adore her.
D
E
Clayton McKee and Miss Devina Ross make a delicious Wham! sandwich that’s always been good for my “Love Hangover.” (C) Reach out and touch somebody’s hand, honey!
H
And I’m still waiting for an indecent proposal from Emm Jay. (F) Still waiting ... still waiting ... (Looks like I’m in for a long wait.) Those red hot
peppers Geno OberlanderJohnson and Jeremy JohnsonOberlander (G) always keep things caliente and make me feel like a hotter than a can of Whore-mel Chili.© For a walk on the wild side, Mandi Boom Boom (H) keeps things naughty (but nice!) But mostly naughty. Just the way I like it. She tempts me with those dreamy go-go boys, Zachary and Prince Joshua (I) at BS West. DJ Kirk Cummings who spins me ‘round ‘round, baby, right ‘round and I’m cuckoo for the fabulous Kiki Andrews Vermont. Girl, I’m sending you lots of love right now. (J) It’s no secret I’m bananas (and nuts!) for David Simmons and his famous Banana Nut Bread. (Have you tried it?) It’s world famous in Phoenix! (K) Tops on my list is Edward Castro, the “King of the Queens,” who showed me how to sample salsa way back in 2015. (L)
I J K
And did I mention how much I love my go-go boys? I did? Well, here’s another: Angel Leon. ¡Mi gusta! ¡Mi gusta, querído! (M) I’ll always remember the Tamale Lady whose snacks kept my belly full. (N)
L M
N
You can’t say “Minnesota” without saying “O!” My secret love from the Land of 10,000 Lakes, Jake Robert at The Rock always makes me squeal. “Keeping Up with the Davenports” is a lot of work! Christopher and Clayton (P) are a real whirlwind! “Q” is for Vera Saucy who keeps things queer and quirky ever since I met her. Always one of my freaky, fabulous favorites,
O
P
Q
Now it’s time to bid you adíos, aloha, adieu. I’ve had enough. Have you? I’ve learned a lot through the years, especially this: “You can’t run with the rabbits and hunt with the hounds.” I never explain, and I never complain. I’ll miss you all ... except for two of you. Wait, three. No, four ... five. Okay, six. March 2020 WWW.IONAZ.COM 81
homoscopes
M
ercury retrograde ends March 10 but expect a little confusion and frustration; originality is good, but being a wacky weirdo is just plain freaky. Thursday, March 19 at 8:50 p.m. heralds the Vernal Equinox.One day and one night of equal length make this a good time evaluate everything going on but don’t overthink things. Just do. Dance naked in the moonlight, but don’t get caught by tattletale neighbors. Here’s an idea: Get all Marie Kondo and tidy up your crib. They don’t call it “Spring Cleaning” for nothing. ARIES Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 All of your plans are converted into reality. But don’t ignore spiritual and domestic issues on the homefront. A birthday means you’re in for some big gratification soon! (It might mean s-e-x or money. One or the other. Not both.) TAURUS April. 21 - May 20 A heavy workload has you juggling lots of issues. You might want to address a matter of the heart soon. Get creative! Have a dinner party! Or beautify your cubicle at work with a potted plant. Or something. GEMINI May 21 - June 21 Someone asks you to do their dirty work in return for some fast cash. This is a bad idea. On the upside, you visit an important landmark from your past and your colonic health is good. (Weird, right?) CANCER June 22 - July 22 You’re feeling ambitious and all that daydreaming you’ve been doing pays off. Buy yourself something you’ve wanted for a long time. You socialize in a quirky crowd because the regular one is a bore. LEO July 23 - Aug. 22 Your life turns upside down and you’re a big success, but only if you take a giant step forward. A big twist in the cosmos works in your favor but concentrate. This is no time for your ADD to kick in. 82
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VIRGO Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Confidence abounds, but make sure you don’t come across as bitchy to those around you. This is a great time to embrace the present. And it’s also a good time to embrace someone. Anyone. LIBRA Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 You’re, like, totally in tune with the Universe, man. Projects that stalled are taking off and you’re feelin’ the groove with everyone around you. Absorb all the vibes. Peace, love, and macramé. SCORPIO Oct. 23 - Nov.23 Astral influences give you the instincts of a hunter when handling those around you. Don’t let anyone talk you into doing their dirty work. With that in mind, pamper yourself with a mani-pedi. SAGITTARIUS Nov. 23 - Dec. 23 Let your hair down and take a few risks. It’s a good time to start something new. Hard work brings results with no mistakes. The last time you made a mistake it required penicillin to get over it. CAPRICORN Dec. 23 - Jan. 20 You’re tempted to stray outside the rules. Sometimes that’s okay, but not right now. Avoid speculating on something that could cost you money—that could be your car or a moocher. AQUARIUS Jan. 21 - Feb. 19 Uncomfortable texts and communication mishaps keep you on your toes. They’re annoying, but it ain’t nothin’ but a hair flip to you. Feeling more intuitive than usual? Your suspicions are probably right. PISCES Feb. 20 - Mar. 20 Planetary thrust helps with your growth. Sounds hot, doesn’t it? Birthday fishies put the emphasis on themselves. Make others wait. Self-satisfaction comes first, but don’t get greedy.