SPONSORED BY CHATGPT, NFTS, AND CAFFIENE ACUOPTIMIST.COM | Saturday, April 1, 2023
SECURITY CAMERA FOOTAGE OF THE CRIME | COURTESY OF MCDONALDS ON JUDGE ELY
Perpetrators seen flying away in car with plutonium. The dog is currently unidentified.
NEXT Lab construction delayed
NEWS
Scientist Brown, McFly steal plutonium, accidentally time travel BY CHEESE CURD 80’S MOVIE ENTHUSIAST
The Nuclear Energy Experimental Testing Lab, or NEXT Lab, will see further delays after two time-traveling individuals were captured on security cameras taking plutonium from the lab last Thursday. This was the third delay that the NEXT Lab has seen when trying to secure equipment and resources. Head police detective
Biff Tannen said this may have been a pre-meditated crime. “This was likely a planned and well-organized attack,” Tannen said. While the security camera footage is still a part of the ongoing investigation, Mayor Goldie Wilson says the perpetrators were caught in 4k and will be facing charges. The suspects identified are none other than Doctor Emmett ‘Doc’ Brown
and Marty McFly. The two have been caught doing illegal things on ACU campus before, such as littering, failing to say “Go Wildcats” when prompted and skipping praise Fridays. When the two were asked about their plans from the night of the incident, McFly claimed he was out with his girlfriend Jennifer Parker, and Brown stated that he “turned [himself ] into a pickle” to avoid going to
family therapy. Brown also states that allegedly, if he were to be the one that stole the plutonium, he would have “kept it a secret because [he] doesn’t want the world to know that [he] invented time travel.” Brown asked that officers not search his house, as it might contain lethal doses of radioactivity, further increasing ACUPD’s suspicion of the subject. Dr. Phil Schubert, pres-
ident of the university, commented on the crime. “Man, we are just trying to do some nerd research, but I guess now we can take the claim of helping invent time travel. Mission accomplished, I guess?” The two will go on trial next June to prove their case. If we don’t see them, we can conclude that they must have gone back to the future.
ChatGPT weighs in on 2023 Sing Song themes BY AI NOT PLAGARISM THIS TIME
Optimist staff plugged in the following prompt to Chat GPT, then edited the story for space: Write a story describing the themes of a university a cappella competition. Sorority themes include: Delta Theta: vegetable garden, Sigma Theta Chi: news anchors, Tri Kappa Gamma: weather, Ko Jo Kai: toy soldiers and GATA: crayons. Fraternity themes include: Frater Sodalis: the Wheel of Fortune, Gamma Sigma Phi: Top Gun, Galaxy: electricians, Sub-T-16: surfers. Class act themes include seniors: bowling, sophomores/juniors: the movie UP, freshman white: Jonah and the whale, and freshman purple: the Wizard of Oz. Each act is an A cappella parody of songs with lyrics changed to match the chosen theme. Briefly describe each act’s costumes, set and story line and add one fun surprise to each description. This is was ChatGPT had to say about Sing Song: The university a cappella competition was a highly anticipated event on campus. Sororities, fraternities, and class acts had been preparing for weeks, practicing their performances and perfecting their costumes and sets. As the night began, the energy in the auditorium
was electric. First up was Delta Theta, who had chosen a vegetable garden as their theme. Their set was adorned with giant flowers, and the girls wore green dresses with vegetable headbands. The fun surprise was that they had real vegetables hidden throughout the set, which they pulled out and held up during the performance. Next up was Sigma Theta Chi, who transformed the stage into a newsroom with desks and microphones. The girls were dressed in pencil skirts and blouses. They received thunderous applause from the audience as they performed their choreographed routine. To surprise the judges, at the end of the song, the girls revealed that they had hidden a live parrot in the set. The judges were amused and impressed. Tri Kappa Gamma was next, with their theme of the weather. They had a weather map set up and wore rain boots and umbrellas. The fun surprise was that they had a sudden rainstorm in the middle of their performance, complete with sprinklers and water guns. Then was GATA sorority, with their crayon theme. They had created a set that looked like a giant coloring book, with pages and pages of drawings and sketches. The sisters wore outfits in different colors, each resembling a crayon, with matching hats and
shoes. As they sang, they used giant markers and crayons to color the set, drawing funny faces and pictures, and their fun surprise was a rainbow-colored fountain they had built that sprayed water in different colors. Ko Jo Kai was next, with their theme of toy soldiers. They had a giant toy box set piece and wore soldier uniforms. The fun surprise was that they had a giant teddy bear come out of the toy box and dance with them during the performance. Next was Frater Sodalis, whose theme was the Wheel of Fortune. They had a giant spinning wheel as their set piece, and the boys wore colorful suits to match. The fun surprise was that they had an actual Vanna White look alike, who spun the wheel and revealed the letters throughout the performance. After Frater Sodalis came Gamma Sigma Phi, who had chosen Top Gun as their theme. They had a giant airplane set piece and wore aviator sunglasses and flight suits. The fun surprise was that they had a Tom Cruise impersonator who did a mock scene from the movie, complete with cheesy pickup lines. Then was Galaxy fraternity, with their “Electricians” theme. They had created a set that looked like an electrical workshop, with tools and wires scattered around. The brothers wore safety goggles and
hard hats, and even had some light-up vests to give the illusion of working with electricity. As they sang, they “worked” on the set, repairing wires and circuits, and even created a light show with different colored lights, and their fun surprise was a giant Tesla coil that produced electric arcs. The last fraternity to perform was Sub-T-16, with their theme of “Surfers.” They had created a set that looked like a beach, complete with sand and surf boards. The brothers wore wetsuits and had surf boards of different colors. As they sang, they danced around the set, pretending to surf on the sand and even had a giant wave that was created with dry ice, and their fun surprise was a giant inflatable shark that they rode on as they surfed. The university a cappella competition was heating up as the class acts took the stage. The seniors’ act was first, with a bowling theme. They donned matching black bowling shirts with their team name “Rolling Thunder” printed on the back. The set was designed to look like a bowling alley, complete with a giant bowling ball and pins. The fun surprise was when they pulled out actual bowling balls and pins to use as percussion instruments during the song. Next up were the sophomores and juniors with an
“UP” movie theme. The set was designed to look like a hot air balloon, with a large image of the iconic house tied to balloons in the background. They wore matching t-shirts with the image of the house and the words “Adventure is out there” written underneath. As they hit the high notes during the chorus, a crew member released a f lurry of colorful balloons into the air, making the audience feel like they were truly soaring through the skies. The freshman white group, called “The Whale Songsters,” brought a touch of the sea to the competition with their theme of Jonah and the Whale. The group dressed in white sailor suits and caps. The set was decorated with a large whale that opened its mouth to reveal Jonah inside. The surprise came when the group released a cloud of bubbles into the air, creating the illusion of being underwater. Finally, the freshman purple group, known as “The Emerald City Crooners,” took on the classic story of the Wizard of Oz. The group dressed as characters from the movie. The set was decorated like the Emerald City, with a large green castle in the background. The fun surprise came when the group brought out a real Toto dog, who happily wagged his tail as they sang.
Aaron Watson discovered to be alum
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