The Pessimist 2018

Something we think is newsworthy Page 3

NEWS

April Fools Day, 2018 | Vol. 106 Issue No: We’ve stopped counting

A student publication of Abilene Christian University making readers mad since 1912

RUSSIANS HACK SA ELECTIONS Page 2

FAKE NEWS PHOTO COURTESY OF A PHOTOSHOP GENIUS Hooters restaurant placed an advertisement on the scoreboard at Wildcat Stadium, just months after the university warned students against working there.

CALENDAR 3/24 •

•

Athletic event to try to get students at sports events Random Abilene concert

3/25 •

Some social club “charitable” activity

3/27 •

SA lets dogs sit with students in Chapel

3/28 •

Free Chick-Fil-A

•

Event hosted by the Cabinet that no one’s heard about

BOX OFFICE OSCARS $$? 1. Shape of Water $5.6 million 2. Phantom Thread $4.2 million 3. Ladybird

$1.2 million

4. Call Me By Your Name $1 million 5. Darkest Hour $100

∞

DAYS UNTIL

CHAPLAIN HIRED

SPORTS

ACU TO FUND MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL Page 10

Oprah hired as university chaplain BY STUDENT LIFE AND WEIGHT WATCHERS

Despite the prolonged search for a new university chaplain, Chris Riley, vice president of student life, announced Monday former talk show host Oprah Winfrey would be hired starting in the fall of 2018. “Over the years, I’ve told people to follow their dreams,” Winfrey said. “And I’ve told people to follow their hearts. I’m following my heart’s dreams to Abilene, and I couldn’t be happier. The search for chaplain started last May when Jan Meyer left the university to work for Joel Osteen Ministries in Houston. The university considered several qualifications for university chaplain but finally settled on one important focus – healthy microwavable foods. “The biggest adventure

“

you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams,” Winfrey said. “It was nothing short of a joy to find out the position was open and that I was such a good fit for the university.” Winfrey said although she has a dynasty business, her retirement would not be complete without sharing something important with college students. It wasn’t money to help pay for tuition, but rather Weight Watchers meals. Winfrey’s food line, O, That’s Good, with be featured in The Bean, and the Brown Library will house all back issues of Winfrey’s defunct O Magazine. She said she found the application by searching for an alphabetical list of U.S. colleges, and Abilene Christian popped up first. Winfrey said she will be sad to leave Chicago but was convinced by longtime beau Stedman Graham to

move to Abilene, where he earned a social work degree from Hardin-Simmons University. Riley said one factor in Winfrey’s hiring was the potential for adding Graham to the business faculty. “He has 11 self-help, motivational and business books,” Riley said. “Sot this could be a great ‘two-fer.’” Although Winfrey won’t start until next year, she is confident her mentality about the job will go over well with the students. “I’ve always been a generous person, and 55 credits is a lot, so I’m most excited about yelling ‘you get a Chapel credit and you get a Chapel credit’ up and down the corridor of Moody,” Winfrey said. As you might imagine, students are looking forward for the lightened credits load. Senior biblical studies major Jacob Smith said he was already

a “slider-n-glider,” but Winfrey’s giving spirit might keep him and his friends around for the full 30 minutes. “I’m really hoping that Oprah will continue giving out free cars, along with the Chapel credits,” Smith said. “If that’s on the table I might even put my phone down and listen a little.”

name change will only cost money on a few signs here and there across campus. “We really want to be good stewards with our money,” Schubert said. “Some people might be upset, but we have had a name change before, so this is no different than the change from Abilene Christian College.” Schubert said it was important for the word “Christian” to remain in the name of the university because that is still a core part of the university mission and values. However, since the opening of the online and Dallas campuses, the university has moved away from staying connected to Abilene. Anthony said she is very honored and excited to be the new namesake of the university.

“I just can’t believe what a blessing this is,” Anthony said. “I hope students, alumni and everyone in the

ACU community can find a connection to the new name.” New “April” gear will be

The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams”

OPRAH WINFREY NATIONAL CELEBRITY

Winfrey has also pitched to Riley the idea of airing Chapel as a live television show, but the office was not sure if that’s in the budget. Winfrey said she’d take care of it.

OPTIMIST@ACU.EDU

ACU renamed April Christian University BY HAL HOOTS

THE EYES AND EARS OF THE OPTIMIST

Starting immediately, the university will no longer be named for its hometown, but will be named for one of its leaders. April Anthony, chair of the Board of Trustees and donor of more than $30 million, will be the university’s new namesake. Now called April Christian University, the school will honor her legacy and her generosity, said university president Dr. Phil Schubert. “This is just another way for us to move into the future with a new name and new leadership for the board,” Schubert said. No logos or symbols will have to be changed, since the school initials are still “ACU.” Schubert said the

W W W. A C U O P T I M I S T. C O M

OPTIMIST@ACU.EDU