Volume 212 Issue 67
ACUOPTIMIST.COM | Wednesday, April 1, 2026 | 1
SPONSORED BY UNHEALTHY CAFFIENE INTAKE AND BEAN CUPCAKES WITH THE GOOD ICING
IMAGE COURTESY OF redacte
Potential new members participate in Bid Day activities.
Greek Life documents clarify NMO practices BY A LITTLE BIRDY THIS IS ALL WE CAN SHARE
In a special interview with the Pessimist editorial staff, Greek Life released all of its documents from this year’s sorority and fraternity New Member Orientation. Robin McPherson, senior coordinator for Greek Life explained that they wanted to share the documents publicly to help assure people that there is no hazing in Greek Life. “We often hear concerns from parents and faculty that the clubs are hazing their potential new members,” she said. “We feel as a staff that this is a distraction from the
amazing things happening in clubs. We want to be open about what these clubs are doing so we have decided to share our notes publicly.” What follows are the notes that have been shared with our staff: Pledges must bring: redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted play clothes. Deodorant with antiperspirant mechanisms and several warmed up bean cookies. redactedredactedredacted. Don’t hit anyone. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted. Censored,
censored. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted Willie the Wildcat then began drinking a giant jug of milk. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacte with a pink bow and pail. Pledges then played a lovely game of poker in Wessel Hall. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredacted. Each potential new member is required to attend Chapel
and sit with their club for the two weeks. Once those two weeks are over, pledging will continue redacted for another redacted weeks until members are eventually initiated in redacted. The only warning given to GATA this year was for their singling out of a flame who did not chant loud enough at the fountain. redactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedre fry like bacon then actedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredact-
edredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedredactedre sour patch kids.” liuygfvbnjkloiuygf vbnjkiuyghf vbnjkiuyghvbnjkiuyghf vbnjkliuyghf v b nj k i u y t g f c v b nj k i u y bring goggles, gfvbnmthjkiugfvcbn jkiuyghvbnmk jiuygfcvbnmkji nmjkuygfcv jkmlijh bnkuhgyhvbjuygv bnhjugyhvbnhjuygvbhjgvb njhgvb njhgbjbnjkuyghvcbnjk uiyghfvb njhg vbcnjhuyg hf vcbnjk hug vcb njk u hy g f v bn mjk u h g v b nmj kuhgvbnmkjliuhgvbnjkuyghvbnjkiuygfcv “This plank of wood is my best friend,” Redacted said.
NEWS
Spiritual Life releases Chapel contract for speakers PAGE 2
NEWS
University begins search for new mascot after Willie drafted BY PETE HEGSETH WILLIE WILL WIN
University senior leadership confirmed today that Willie the Wildcat has been drafted and will be deployed overseas for multiple years of service. According to officials, he already “feels the need, the need for speed.” The announcement came in a brief statement from Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, who described Willie as “honored to serve” and “ready to represent the Wildcat spirit while flying high in an F-16.” “Willie has always answered the call, whether that’s hyping up a crowd or, now, answering a much bigger one,” the post on @finding_phil said. While details surrounding Willie’s deployment remain limited, the president’s office confirmed he has already begun preliminary training, with sources placing him near Dyess Air Force Base earlier this week. Sean Rose, an aerospace
maintenance craftsman at Dyess Air Force Base, said he spotted a familiar feline figure during a recent exercise. “I didn’t want to say anything at first,” Rose said. “But when you see a wildcat sprinting drills and someone explaining a maneuver by saying, ‘because I was inverted,’ you start to put two and two together.” With Willie gone, Athletics now faces an urgent question: Who will take his place on the sidelines? A campus-wide search is already underway. Students, faculty and alumni have submitted suggestions for a temporary mascot to carry the torch. Early candidates have ranged from the exotic to the domesticated. “We’ve heard everything from ‘Leonard the Lizard’ to ‘Beary the Bear,’” said Evan Nemec, assistant athletic director for media relations. “There was even a brief push for ‘Tony the Tarantula,’ but that one scared off the committee.”
IMAGE COURTESY OF DYESS AIR FORCE BASE
President Dr. Phil Schubert sends Willie off. Nemec said one candidate, “Gary the Goat,” quickly emerged as a frontrunner — until Athletics pulled the plug, citing a sudden realization that they did not, in fact, have the budget to provide 24/7 security for a goat. However, a new candidate has quickly gained traction: William the House Cat. He’s been described by his supporters as “relatable,”
“low-maintenance” and “already familiar with indoor environments.” William represents a stark departure from the traditional wildcat persona. “It’s time we brought things down to earth,” James Bradshaw, senior theatre major from Sachse, said. “Not every hero has to be wild. Some of them nap 16 hours a day and knock things off desks.” Others have proposed more
alliterative alternatives, including Cameron the Campus Chiwawa, Benny the Basement Bobcat and Silvester the Slithering Snake, though some students argue that none fully capture Willie’s legacy. Still, Athletics says they are keeping an open mind. “This is a time of transition,” Zack Lassiter said. “We’re looking for someone or something that can unite the student body, bring the same level of spirit and, ideally, not claw anyone during public appearances.” Meanwhile, many are simply wishing Willie well. “It’s weird not seeing him around,” Kierlyn Lang, pom squad member and senior health sciences major from Castle Pines, Colorado, said. “But we’re proud of him. He’s out there doing something bigger than game day.” Until Willie returns, the university has a message for its beloved wildcat: Stay safe, fly fast and watch out for great balls of fire.
YikYak launches “YikYak Match” PAGE 2
SPORTS
Wildcat Wranglers kidnap A&M Yell Leaders PAGE 3
SPORTS
The Faternity of Galaxy launches OpenAI partnership BY A CERTAIN GALAXY ALUM BESTIES WITH CHAT
The Faternity of Galaxy revealed Wednesday that they have entered into an official, eight-year sponsorship agreement with OpenAI, the powerhouse company behind ChatGPT and other generative AI tools. OpenAI’s sponsorship coordinator, Adam Standler, reached out to the club after records revealed that Galaxy was in the top 10% of users, averaging 2,000 prompts per day, based on acu.edu emails
associated with Galaxy. Standler said the sheer number of interactions logged from the faternity prompted him to contact and propose a partnership. “I was surprised, honestly,” Standler said. “Even the most straightforward assignments are being asked to be ‘explained as if I were a twoyear-old.’ But hey, business is business.” With 67% of assignments already artificially generated, this new sponsorship will lead the club into an era of maximizing profits while
maintaining academic honesty and success. Reports say the most recent Nova class was selected using AI, ensuring Galaxy the best odds of having successful alumni. “We’re getting our money up,” said Moonie Aidan Kluth. “Instead of our funny up.” Under the terms of the deal, every active member will receive unlimited access to premium ChatGPT, free OpenAI x Moonie merchandise and an AI-run archive of past historical academic records. The club plans to capitalize
on the agreement by using OpenAI to create plays for intramural flag football, Sing Song lyrics and New Member Orientation “activities.” “Some people and other faternities are mad,” Kayde Jaffet said. “But they just wish they had thought of this first.” Faculty responded quickly, with COBA professors already adjusting their syllabi to accommodate the surplus of missing assignments being turned in. OpenAI issued a short statement: “We are excited to
empower the next generation of innovative thinkers at institutions like ACU. Galaxy’s commitment to cutting-edge tools aligns perfectly with our mission.” The sponsorship kicks off officially on Monday. Galaxy President Braden Sparks said the sponsorship is perfect timing, with just a couple of months until finals season. “Imagine submitting a 2,000-word Bible paper in the time it takes to make a protein shake,” Sparks said. “That’s efficiency. That’s progress. That’s Galaxy.”
Sub-T 16, Lambert replaces cheer team after review PAGE 4
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