Have you ever wondered what people who are suicidal think? Have you ever wondered how someone can go from being ok one day and then gone the next day?
Jennifer will light the way with Hope for those who are still in the dark, the fury of the storm. “I've survived decades of abuse, trauma and hardship, and I'm still here.... During my two-year battle with suicide it felt like my mind was kidnapped and held for ransom. Join me as I share with you what it took to get my life and mind back.”
Jennifer Tracy is a transformational speaker, whose mission is to save lives. With courage and grit, she continues to change communities one life at a time. Jennifer knows pain. The pain of burying a husband and child. The pain of being diagnosed with PTSD, something people can't see with their eyes. However, she also knows how to use pain as a way to create lasting positive change. Jennifer's programs teach others to do the same. She brings hope and solutions to the tough issues we face today. Solutions to suicide, impaired driving, grief, poor mental health, addiction and PTSD. Her studies at Metro State University of Denver that she finds most relevant to her business mission and enhance her programs include Human Services, Criminal Justice, Victimology, PTSD and Psychology. However she feels the most useful degree she holds is her Honorary Doctorate in “RLE” (Real Life Experience)!
IN S ID E “T HE MIN D ” O F S UICI DE
Walk with Jennifer through 16 chapters as she holds nothing back and takes you inside the mind of suicide. She’ll inspire you to think differently as she shares how her two-year battle with suicide prepared her to know how to fight for herself and her surviving daughters after the death of her husband and daughter. This book is packed with the hidden treasures she found buried beneath decades of pain.
INSIDE “ ” THE MIND OF SUICIDE
From the deepest darkness... to the light of Hope.
Inside “The Mind” of Suicide
Jennifer Tracy Copyright © 2017 Jennifer Tracy-Inspire, LLC All rights reserved. ISBN:1548926353 ISBN-13:978-1548926359
DEDICATION This book is dedicated to my daughters, McKayla Beth, Brittany Anne and Amber Lynn. Of all the gifts and blessings in this life, you are the greatest. I can honestly say I know and understand love because of you.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments/Preface 1
Foreword—Written by Amber Lynn
1
2
What I Learned from Psychology 101 at Age 19
4
3
The Dark Maze
9
4
The Fury
15
5
Acceptance, So You Can Live Again
27
6
When Good Isn’t Good Enough
33
7
Prepared
38
8
Scars People Can’t See
43
9
The Broken Golden Rule
51
10
When God Ran
55
11 Lasting Change
66
12 Check-Engine Lights
71
13 Would You Take Insulin If Your Life Depended on It?
74
14 Lessons from the Rich Man Who Had It All
79
15 Addictions and the Hold They Have on Us
83
16 Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth
88
Making the Pieces Fit
100
Resources: Suicide-Danger with Social Media
107
Afterthoughts on Condemnation
110
Resources for Suicide
111
About the Author
112
PREFACE From the idea of this book until completion, Inside “The Mind” of Suicide has been the hardest thing I’ve ever written. It is with the deepest respect that I have poured my heart out through these pages. If somehow you see yourself in this story, my hope is you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, YOU ARE LOVED, you have value and you are worth any amount of fight it takes to save your life. Depression, anxiety and any struggle with suicide can make you feel like you no longer have value. It changes all the rules. It doesn’t discriminate. Suicide has touched rich and poor, young and old, those who believe in God and those who don’t, famous and not, educated and uneducated, heroes and villains. I designed this book to be a short read, packed with a lot of things to challenge the way you think. My hope is you will dig deep within yourself to find your own answers. You have a couple of options when reading this. You can read through it quickly and not take the time to answer the questions. However, no matter who you are, I recommend you take the time to really think about the questions at the end of each chapter and write out your answers. It is very powerful, I promise you. If you get stuck on a question, put the book down for awhile but keep thinking about it and come back to it. If you disagree with what I am saying, write that down too. I’m ok with that. I ask for your grace as you read this. Each story about suicide is unique and woven together with its complexity. Please know, there is so much more to my story, I didn’t write everything. This book
is not so much about capturing all of the details as it is about courage, darkness, life, death, pain, hope, faith, choices and YOU…. It’s about the deep-rooted passion I have to live life, never give up and to help others find the strength to do the same. I truly believe, “someone else or something beyond my control may take my life now, but I however, WILL NOT!” Please understand, no matter whether you yourself are struggling, know someone that is or have lost someone you love to suicide, reading this book may trigger intense emotions for you. It is not my intent to hurt you in any way, so if there is something said that upsets you, I apologize in advance. I would never want to hurt you. This is my personal story, what I’ve learned from it and what I did to survive. This book is not intended to take the place of seeing a therapist or physician. If you are currently suicidal, it’s recommended by therapists that you only read this book while being treated under the care of your primary care physician and/or licensed therapist. If you are struggling and need some direction or resources right now, Chapters 10 and 16 are full of resources to help you start taking steps today to fight for your life. Again, please seek professional help if you are suicidal. I am alive today because of those trained professionals who’ve lovingly helped me survive the darkness and begin the journey back towards light and life. All my best, Jennifer Tracy
FOREWORD When my mom first asked me to write the foreword for Inside “The Mind” of Suicide, I knew it was something I wanted to do, I just wasn’t sure what I wanted to share. I would say that I have been very close to the issue of suicide. But I think that right now, today, we all are. I have lost acquaintances, classmates, teachers and family to suicide. I've seen people affected in every part of my life, not only those who we've lost but those of us who are left here as well. I think it is so important to keep talking about suicide, but... I think that some messages out there are very hurtful to those who are suffering or to those who have suffered. We need to pass on love and hope, not hate or judgement. This mentality is what I hope you feel presented here in this book. I don't know many people who are willing to be transparent about their story and struggles. You can count on that in this book. Some of the darkest moments of my mom’s life and some of the toughest in mine are shared in this book. She began writing this, and we are both passionate about sharing its contents with everyone because we hope that its unmistakable honesty will light a fire in you. This is a book for everyone. If you interact with other people at all, then this book is for you. There are many things that could be said about my mom. Somehow, she's always kept hope in sight when we encountered tragedy and hardship. She is full of wisdom and caring, and has always put her full effort into doing what she thought was best for herself, my sister and I. Outside of our home, she has spent years putting time into our Page !1
community, working in schools, those who have found themselves in the correctional system, and with EMS Personnel. There is no way to measure the positive ripple effect that started in Northern Colorado with her message of forgiveness, hope and the power we have in our choice. Nothing has impacted my own life as much as growing up in a home where I knew I always had a place to communicate. I was free to share the thoughts and feelings I was having regarding what I saw happening in the world, the world close to me and the one I was not close to in proximity. Things were not always right or well in our world, but I always knew there was a safe place to talk. I personally feel that many people do not grow up in an environment that promotes honest conversation, even when there is conflict or disagreements. It is much easier for me to communicate about stress, frustration and anxiety because of the way I grew up. I hold these core beliefs about communication. It is always better to communicate than to hold in your feelings, we are always entitled to have our feelings and along with both of those truths, what matters the most is the way we express them. It is always ok to feel sad, angry or any other emotion; however, we are responsible for the way we react. I hope after reading this book you will find the importance in advocating for yourself in a healthy way. The two chapters that I think have impacted my life the most are “When Good Isn't Good Enough” (ch 5) and “Would You Take Insulin If Your Life Depended on It?” (ch 12). The mentality behind “When Good Isn't Good Enough” has really set the course for the way I view life and my role in it. I understand that, though I'm far from perfect, have made mistakes, and will still make mistakes, I am valuable and that my life is worth living. Page !2
The second chapter in this book that has impacted the way I view life the most is “Would You Take Insulin If Your Life Depended on It?” The concept behind this has made asking for help easy when I need it. I really do feel this way about personal/mental health. If I have something I'm struggling with, I'm going to look for answers, ask for help and take the necessary actions towards the solution or solutions. I know this requires courage, but with practice it becomes easier. It would be my hope that through reading this story, you would find even one thing to hold on to, to make living your every day better and lead you on to a successful journey of a life lived with strong mental health and self-love.
Amber Lynn is a Colorado native. She’s a high school graduate who aspires to serve others and show people how to find true joy in their lives. She enjoys the outdoors and loves to learn. She has been writing songs for 8 years and would love to one day share that passion with the world. Amber wants to travel the world, learn about different cultures and find new ways to make an impact.
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Chapter 1 What I Learned from Psychology 101 at Age 19 As a freshman at Metropolitan State College, I was given the assignment to write a paper on nature versus nurture.
My paper discussed how I felt it was both. I believed then and still do that we are born with a certain set of DNA, yet, I had already seen by the age of 19 that our environments definitely shape who we are. I’d already been the victim of every form of abuse—some from inside my family and some from outside individuals. I asked about my family history and discovered my father followed the example modeled by his father. My dad struggled with addiction and abuse, and so did my brother, who, at the age of 14, tried to take his own life. My mom grew up in a similar home, but she did not go on to struggle with these things. This fueled my passion to break the chains of dysfunction; however, I didn’t add loving myself to this commitment. I unknowingly felt like I had to be perfect all of the time. I loved everyone but me. During that same year of college, I took the required public speaking class. The first speech I had ever given was on alcoholism, something very close to my heart and personal life. Again, I had already witnessed its effects and watched as it destroyed my family. Page 4 !
Nature vs. Nurture
I remember thinking at age 19 that I had it all together. I was top of my class, graduated a year early from high school and earned my cosmetology license at the same time. By the age of 23, I was married with three beautiful daughters, owned a home and had a small hair salon. The girls’ dad, Brian, and I had met while country-western dancing at the Grizzly Rose in Denver when we were 18. Neither of us planned to have children so young, but I can say confidently we would not have made a different choice when it came to jumping into being parents of twins at 20. I’m not going to lie to you. Our life together was filled with strain. One of our twin daughters had Cerebral Palsy, and as I said earlier, we Page 5 !
Have you ever journaled? Did it help? ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
Your thoughts: ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________
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Chapter 3 The Fury The first time I had the thought to kill myself, I was scared
beyond belief. I had been struggling for quite a while with depression. I also was seeing a therapist every week. I learned during a therapy session the difference between having thoughts of suicide and actually planning it. I remember becoming hypervigilant about keeping an eye on myself. I didn’t understand then how someone could make a plan without anyone knowing about it. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but my thoughts constantly told me I did. My mind just kept saying, “It will never end,” “It’s hopeless,” “Just do it,” and “Your kids are better off without you.” I began to reach out to people who I thought I could trust. I had a couple of friends who were depressed as well and were taking medications. I opened up to my pastor and his wife, and they were kind and prayed with me. Their prayers, however, did not change the dark maze I was in, nor help me out. Their love, however, did help me to not feel alone. Page 1! 5
I continued to feel like I was trapped in some kind of maze where there was no escape. It seemed like friends disappeared, and the guilt, shame and pain continued to grow. I was getting three to four hours of sleep at night and wasn’t hungry half of the time. Friends and family said things like, “You’re so thin. Do you have an eating disorder?” As you can imagine, that only added to the shame. I was doing everything I possibly could to survive another day. I was taking medicine, seeing a therapist, taking care of my daughters and doing my best to sleep and keep up with everything. As I came close to the two-year mark of struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide, my body began to completely break down. The three to four hours of sleep became less. I struggled to stay asleep most nights. I had very little of an appetite and felt weak and exhausted. Instead of anger, I just felt numb. It was a struggle to even shower. I put all the energy I did have into taking care of my children and my home. I made sure they were fed and bathed and that their clothes were clean and their homework was done. Bedtime stories, Disney movies and coloring became our favorite things.
This was me when I was battling my two year struggle with suicide. (In this picture is my daughter Amber and our kitty Halley.) Page !16
By this point, I was no longer working. Financial hardship was an everyday struggle. I was still taking my medication and seeing a therapist. I believed the lie that I was less of a mother and woman because of what I was experiencing. I also started to believe my daughters were better off without me. I couldn’t stand the person inside my mind or the woman in the mirror. I had to work hard every minute of every day to be who I wanted to be. When people said things to me like, “Think of your daughters. How can you even think about taking your life?” This only made me feel worse. I remember thinking, I am thinking of them. I’m broken. They are better off without me.
I remember thinking, I am thinking of them. I’m broken. They are better off without me.
As the friends begin to leave, you think, “See, there is something wrong with me.” As the mean people in your life continue to judge you and point fingers, you start to break down. Every little look of judgment cut deep. Despite the struggle, I somehow found a way to go on every day until the moment my mind crossed over from hurting just me to somehow hurting my children, and then I was done.
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