From The Deepest Darkness To The Light of HOPE by Jennifer Tracy

Statements of Support ~Such a well-written book. Not only a story of survival and triumph but a book that will help guide you through your own path as well. Jennifer Tracy speaks her truth in this book. It is an experiential workbook that will help many people. Not only those struggling with grief, depression, and thoughts of suicide but for all of us. Jennifer’s heart is in this book and her mission is to see that it will give others hope. In my opinion, she attained that in this book. I highly recommend “From the Deepest Darkness to The Light of Hope.” —Robyn Spirtas, Ph.D LMFC ~As a long-time family doctor, I have born witness to oh-so-many patients with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Convincing these folks that there is HOPE and there is a PATH back to joy has been one of the greatest challenges of my career. In the past, I felt I had to do it alone-just like my patients. ~Enter Jennifer Tracy. In “From the Deepest Darkness to The Light of Hope” Jennifer has laid bare the very essence of the pain those with severe depression and suicidal thoughts face. For those of us who haven’t been deeply depressed, it’s eye-opening and mind-blowing. For those in the grasp of depression her words read like an outstretched hand that says “Walk with me. You are not alone. I’ve walked this path and lived to tell the tale and you can too.” Thus, I unreservedly recommend From the Deepest Darkness to The Light of Hope! It’s a great read for anyone touched by suicide or deep depression. (And really, isn’t that everyone?) It should be required reading for all medical residents during the psychiatry rotation. The more who read it the more lives will be saved! —Anthony A. Doft, MD

~Having experienced “the fury” of depression and suicidal ideation, this book helped me find the words to describe some of what was going on in my head...Jennifer does a great job of balancing hope with the gritty reality of what she faced, and she helps you start to see your own story with some of that. –Andrea Bowen - US Armed Forces

~This book is a must read for anyone who has ever struggled with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, or anyone who has a loved one with those issues who needs help and guidance. I know Jennifer personally, and her mission in life is to help people on their journey through the darkness so that they can engage into the light again. I think this book should be on every school library in the country. This is a very powerful book written by a brave and strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story, Jennifer. –Denise Shuetter - Loving Mother ~This really is a book worth reading. From a male's perspective (like my own), the author's honesty and openness about her own life experience offers insight that will help most who are struggling with suicide, and those interested in learning about it, to understand how to navigate through the complexity of emotions and experiences that can be involved with it. Some of her examples, such as the check engine light analogy, makes sense in my mind. The resources and advice are worth considering as this is a subject often very personal and private. It really does offer hope and encouragement to live and reading the book made me appreciate my own life. –Paul Erik -

~Jennifer’s message saves lives… she’s resilient and has overcome great odds. —Chief Hernandez, Colorado State Patrol (Ret)

~Being a police officer, people think that we have great strength and courage to do our jobs. Real strength and courage is to move forward after tragedy and share your story so that others don’t have to go through the same pain. —Randy Carter, Weld County Sheriff ~I highly recommend Jennifer. Her message is powerfully inspiring in how to move forward in the wake of tragedy. —Doug Erler, Director/Justice Services Department ~As a U.S. Veteran and career firefighter, I’ve been around friends and colleagues who have struggled with different “demons,” even lost some…I myself struggled with diagnosed PTSD from issues relating to the job. I met Jennifer Tracy on LinkedIn and was impressed with the work she was doing for the “badge.” She calls herself a civilian, but to me… she’s as much a badge as anyone I have ever met. I thought I knew Jennifer Tracy well until I read her book and really just took in her story. I know tragedy, I’ve seen many of its faces, but Jennifer is just one of those rare people that took on more than any one person’s share of grief…of pain and said no you won’t beat me. I encourage everyone to read her story if anything to appreciate what you have. If you are one of those people that are struggling or have struggled out there, and there are many of us these days…then this should be required reading. —Steven Straight, President/CCAI

CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS PREFACE FOREWORD- Amber Lynn

Victories on The Hill

What I Learned from Psychology 101 When at Age 19

The Dark Maze

The Fury

Acceptance: So You Can Live Again

When Good Isn’t Good Enough

Prepared

Scars People Can’t See

The Broken Golden Rule

When God Ran

Lasting Change

106

Check-Engine Lights

111

Would You Take Insulin… If Your Life Depended on It?

115

Lessons from the Rich Man Who Had It All

120

Addictions and the Hold They Have on Us

123

Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth

128

Home

142

Gone Too Soon- Dedication to SSG Shaune Moore

156

Afterthoughts & Resources

160

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

If you’ve ever written an acknowledgments section, then you know that it’s overwhelming to think about everyone and everything it takes to accomplish any great work. I laugh a lot and say I am the combination of the 3,000 books I’ve read and the million songs I love. I thank God every day for my friends and family, you all have carried me through some of the darkest times of my life. I also want to thank those friends who have been in my life the longest because you know me—the darkness and the light—and love me despite it. Micah and Jodie, thank you for walking through the fury of the storm with me and staying not only by my side but besides the girls as well. You both have stood by my side reassuring me that I was not alone in the darkness, thank you. Debra Ann, thank you for your friendship over the past twelve years; being your neighbor and friend was one of my greatest gifts in life. Paul, thank you for your undying friendship and support over the last eight years; your willingness to sacrifice and do great things without asking for anything in return is beyond comprehension. Brenda, thank you for your love and support over the last 24 years. I’m grateful to every one of my friends who have been in my life; I do genuinely wish I could write about how special each of you are to me. All my love to each of you. As I think back on writing my first book in 2017 and now writing this book, it brings tears to my eyes to embrace the loss that we have been through as a family this past year. It’s not possible to mention everyone in my family as each of you are weaved throughout my life. Mom, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. I hold tight knowing you are with Brian and Brittany. I love you.

I want to thank my grandparents for their undying love for all of us. Gram, you are terribly missed and our lives will never be the same without you. Dad, thank you for giving me life and for your love and support all of these years. I love you. Thank you to my step-mom Carol and to my stepdad Dave for the ways you both have played a part in who I am today as well; I love you both. To all of my grandparents, step-family, uncles, aunts, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews, I love each and every one of you. Bob Peiffer, may your soul be at peace with all those who have gone before us. Shaune, please kiss my sweet Brittany, until we meet again I pray my life honors your service and sacrifice to our country. Jeremy, your love and support both mean the world to me. You truly are my best friend and I look forward to another 30 plus years of adventure and love. Thank you also for your service to our country. I’m thankful I was able to meet your mom before she joined your father in heaven. I wish I could have met him as well. Through you I’ve been blessed to meet so many wonderful people that I now call friends and I’m thankful for their love and support. Last but not least, McKayla and Amber, I love you. Being your mom has been the greatest joy and gift. You both mean the world to me. I know life has been hard, but together we’ve weathered the storms. Thank you for loving me. I’m so proud of the women you have both worked hard to become. Never stop believing in the power of your dreams and the power of your faith. I know your father and I taught you to have faith when you were young, but both of you helped restore my faith when the storms of life ran my soul dry. Amber, thank you for the thousands of hours we’ve spent on papers, workbooks and this book.

PREFACE From the idea of this book until completion, From the Deepest Darkness to The Light of Hope has been the hardest thing I’ve done professionally. It is with the deepest respect that I have poured my heart out through these pages. If somehow you see yourself in this story, my hope is you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, YOU ARE LOVED, you have value and you are worth any amount of fight it takes to save your life. Depression, anxiety, grief and any struggle with suicide can make you feel like you no longer have value. It changes all the rules. It doesn’t discriminate. Suicide has touched rich and poor, young and old, those who believe in God and those who don’t, famous and not, educated and uneducated, heroes and villains. I designed this book to be an experiential workbook, packed with a lot of things to challenge the way you think. My hope is you will dig deep within yourself to find your own answers. You have a couple of options when reading this. You can read through it quickly and not take the time to answer the questions. However, no matter who you are, I recommend you take the time to really think about the questions at the end of each chapter and write out your answers. It is very powerful, I promise you. If you get stuck on a question, put the book down for awhile, fold the corner, but keep thinking about it and come back to it. If you disagree with what I am saying, write that down too. I’m ok with that. I ask for your grace as you read this. Each of our stories are unique and woven together with their complexity. Please know, there is so much more to my story, I didn’t write everything. This book is not so much about capturing all of the details as it is about courage, darkness, life, death, pain, hope, faith, choices and YOU.... It’s about the deep-rooted passion I have to live life, never give up and to help others find the strength to do the same. I truly believe, “someone else or something beyond my control may take my life now, but I however, WILL NOT!”

Please understand, no matter whether you yourself are struggling, know someone that is or have lost someone you love, reading this book may trigger intense emotions for you. It is not my intent to hurt you in any way, so if there is something said that upsets you, I apologize in advance. I would never want to hurt you. This is my personal story, what I’ve learned from it and what I did to survive. This book is not intended to take the place of seeing a therapist or physician. If you are currently suicidal, it’s recommended by therapists that you only read this book while being treated under the care of your primary care physician and/or licensed therapist. If you are struggling and need resources right away please reach out for help. It is a sign of great strength to get help. Again, please seek professional help if you are suicidal. I am alive today because of those trained professionals who’ve lovingly helped me survive the darkness and begin the journey back towards light and life. All my best, Jennifer Tracy

FOREWORD When my mom first asked me to write the foreword for her book From the Deepest Darkness to The Light of HOPE, I knew it was something I wanted to do. I would say that I have been very close to the issue of grief, depression, anxiety, and suicide. But truly, I think that right now, today, we all are. I have lost acquaintances, classmates, teachers, and close family to suicide. I've seen people affected in every part of my life. Pain, trauma, and suicide hurt not only those who we've lost but also those of us who are left here as well. I think it is so important to keep talking about mental health and suicide. Many of the messages out there are very hurtful and unhelpful to those who are suffering or to those who have suffered. We need to pass on love, hope, and understanding not hate and/or judgment. More than anything, as someone who has struggled greatly with anxiety and grief after the loss of my father and sister, I want you to know there is HOPE. I don't know many people who are willing to be transparent and vulnerable about their darkness and most painful struggles. Transparency is one thing you can count on in this book. Some of the darkest moments of my mom’s life and some of the toughest in mine are shared in this book. We are both passionate about furthering our reach and hope the unmistakable honesty will light a fire in you. This is a book for everyone. If you interact with other people, then this book is for you. There are many things that could be said about my mom. Somehow, she's always kept hope in sight when we encountered tragedy and hardship. She is full of wisdom and grace, and she has always put her whole heart into doing what she thought was best for herself and her two daughters, my sister, and me. Outside of our home, she has put hours and years into our community, schools, places of faith, First Page 10

Responders, veterans, and even with those who have found themselves in the correctional system. There is no way to measure the positive ripple effect that started in Northern Colorado with her message of forgiveness, hope, and the power we have in our choice. Nothing has impacted my own life as much as growing up in a home where I knew I always had a place to communicate. I was free to share the thoughts and feelings I had regarding what I saw happening in my world—the world close to me and the one I was not close to in proximity. Things were not always right or well in our world, but I always knew there was a safe place to talk. I personally feel that many people do not grow up in an environment that promotes honest conversation, especially where there is conflict or disagreements. It is much easier for me to communicate about stress, frustration, and anxiety because of the way I grew up. Healthy communication is one of my favorite topics! I hold these core beliefs about communication: Though not easy, it is always better to communicate than to hold in your feelings, we are always entitled to have our feelings, and what matters the most is the way we express them. It is okay to feel sad, angry, or any other emotion; however, we are always responsible for the way we react. I hope after reading this book you will believe in the importance of advocating for yourself in a healthy way. The two chapters that I think have been written on my heart the most are “When Good Isn't Good Enough” (ch 5) and “Would You Take Insulin If Your Life Depended on It?” (ch 12). The mentality behind “When Good Isn't Good Enough” has really set the course for the way I view life and my role in it. I understand that, though I'm far from perfect, have made mistakes, and will still make mistakes, I am valuable and my life is worth living. The second chapter in this book that has impacted the way I view life the most is “Would You Take Insulin If Your Life Depended on It?”

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Having heard this analogy many times over the years has made asking for help feel like second nature when I need it. I unknowingly saw what it looked like to face Stigma. If I have something I'm struggling with, I'm going to look for answers, ask for help, and take the necessary actions towards the solution or solutions. I know this requires courage, but with practice, it has become easier. I would hope that through reading this book, you would find even one thing to hold on to, to make your everyday life better, and lead you on to a successful journey through a life lived with strong mental health, love for yourself, others, and God.

Amber Lynn is a Colorado native. Her purpose and passion collide as she serves others and spreads joy like glitter. She has been writing songs for 12 years. She is the co-author of Shatter The Strongholds, a prayer journal and workbook. Amber loves to travel, enjoys the outdoors, to learn about different cultures and also find new ways to make an impact in her corner of the world.

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Chapter One Victories on The Hill If there was one thing I could share with the world in regard to depression, anxiety, grief, PTSD and thoughts of suicide, it would be that everyone comes to that place of pain, despair, darkness; that ledge, so very differently. After all these years of navigating this very complex battle myself, speaking and working with clients, what I’ve come to realize is this: because there is not a one-size-fits-all solution to win a mental health battle, there are a lot of hurtful, confusing messages out there. There are a lot of good-hearted people who believe that what worked for them will also work for others. These people at times stand on a hill waving a flag proclaiming, “look, the answer to what you are facing, it’s over here. It worked for me, so it should work for you too.”

The most powerful and profound lesson I feel I can teach you is, if you want to win the battle you are facing, be it grief, depression, anxiety, PTSD or even thoughts of suicide, you must decide that you want to know everything you can about it. Be open minded, stop being stubborn. Page 13

As you go through this book, take what you need. If something that I say resonates with you, write it down. Research it. Write out what your plan of action will be. Use the worksheets from that section. If something I say bothers you. Write that down. Ask yourself, why? I’d like to give you a few examples of real individuals with Victories On The Hill. To preserve confidentiality, these names are fictional and are for teaching purposes only. However, the situations themselves are real as I have personally witnessed every one of them happen in the lives of my clients and others I’ve known.

Suzy, who was born with bi-polar mood patterns, has struggled for 20 years with depression, mood swings, self-harm, anxiety and sometimes thoughts of suicide. Recently, she heard Joe waving his flag from the hill of victory saying that western medications were killing people, and that the key to relief from depression, anxiety and mood swings is meditation, working out and a drastic change in diet, since this is what has changed his life. Maybe in reading this you can see very clearly here that this is akin to the oft-used expression of comparing apples to oranges. You see, Joe doesn’t have bi-polar. No thyroid issues. He doesn’t struggle with addiction. He is very successful yet he has struggled deeply with depression, anxiety and mood swings. Page 14

Chapter Two What I Learned from Psychology 101 at Age 19 As a freshman at Metropolitan State College, I was given the assignment to write a paper on nature versus nurture. My paper discussed how I felt it was both. I believed then and still do that we are born with a certain set of DNA, yet, I had already seen by the age of 19 that our environments definitely shape who we are. Some of my earliest childhood memories that stem from environmental influence are difficult to relive. Here is one. Both my older brother Jeff and I were victims of sexual assault by someone outside of our family. It’s hard to comprehend the magnitude of what really happened during what should have been an innocent game of hide and seek. I was robbed of something that I would never be able to get back. When we got home that night from our family friends house, I remember hiding under my bed. When my mom came in to tuck me in, she asked me why I was hiding. I never spoke about what really happened until years later in therapy. Sadly, my brother turned to drugs as a coping mechanism. One day he stole a motorcycle and crashed, going 120 mph. The image of him lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines is something I will never be able to erase. He was in a coma for several months and eventually recovered. As part of his recovery, he had to learn how to walk again. He has lived with that TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) his entire life.

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Nature vs. Nurture

I love my brother so much. I wish we could go back to simpler days of playing Atari games, go-karts, and jumping on the trampoline. All of this happened the same year my parents divorced. Watching my brother go through all of this was devastating. I promised myself that I would never do drugs. I had no idea how hard it would be to keep this promise. For a short time, my dad remarried his second wife. I then went from being the youngest to being the middle child when my half-brother Brandon was born. Having Brandon as a little brother taught me so much, plus he was fun to babysit as a teenager. Another promise I made was when I grew up and became a mom, I vowed that I would protect my children from abuse, divorce, drugs, all of that. I unknowingly felt like I had to be perfect. I loved everyone but myself. Somewhere buried in the trauma was a driven woman who hid the need to be perfect behind the dark side of resilience. I didn’t realize it then, but because of that trauma I made deep rooted commitments and agreements with myself, some of which have taken decades to heal. Even though my childhood was tough, I have so many happy memories too. I was very outgoing and had a lot of friends. One memory that I have with my dad that I will always cherish was balancing on his feet as he laid on his back. I was learning gymnastics Page 22

Reflections: Every one of us has scars that people can’t see. We are human. It’s impossible to not get hurt in this life. One way to master resiliency is to make your mind think about how to process daily defeat, personal struggles and the unfair things life hands us. In the end you have to decide how you are going to handle that. Lose the battle, win the war is a type of compartmentalizing. You decide in your mind that you can’t win them all, but you stay focused on what’s most important to you, i.e., “the war.” We must not overlook that dark side of resilience that can breed the need to perfect. Instead, strive for excellence!

Questions: What is a scar that you wish others could see and understand?

What are the battles you’ve lost that you need to learn to let go of and forgive ?

What is your “war”? What is so important to you that you would fight to attain or keep it?

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Jennifer Tracy