Issuu

HELPING PARENTS

CREATE A JEWISH HOME

VOLUME ONE, NUMBER SEVEN

AGES 18

T O

24 MONTHS

How to Choose a Preschool: Jewish Options

wo-year-old Sarah bravely climbed the steps to the big wooden doors, holding her mother’s hand in a vise grip. She summoned her courage and finally pushed open the doors—whereupon her mother burst into tears. Preschool isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s another of those major milestones that parents, as well as children, have to face. Finding the right preschool or daycare won’t mean automatic admission into Harvard, and neither will a poor choice doom your child to a life of misery. But for many children it is a first chance to interact with the world in an organized way, and may be a child’s first taste of ordered learning. What children learn at this age isn’t often rigorously academic. Instead, it’s discovering a new way of looking at the world. It’s about fun: at this age children learn through play. And it is learning about a set of expectations for behavior, and about what attitudes and values are important outside the house. That’s one reason you might want to consider a Jewish preschool for your child. Your child, of course, may be nowhere near ready for a preschool program right now, or may already be in daycare. While some children start at preschool as young as 18

A PUBLICATION

months, others aren’t ready for the experience until they are two and a half years old, or three years old. Then, too, the hours of preschool programs vary dramatically. This may have more to do with parents’ schedules than children’s—when you have to work, your child needs daycare or preschool. There is often a definite difference between the

two, although the distinction blurs with daycare providers who teach the ABCs, and preschools with flexible full day programs where unstructured play is a big part of every day. Even if your child is not ready for preschool right now, though, it is not too soon to start looking at the possibilities in your area. Some preschools have waiting lists, and doing some research now will help you avoid last-minute panic, when you turn around and suddenly are staring into the face of a three year old who really does need a new environment to explore. Given all the choices out there—Montessori, cooperative preschools, academic, play-based, developmentally-based, Waldorf— why should a parent send a child to a Jewish preschool? Several reasons. These should not be the only considerations, of course, but (C O N T I N U E D O N P A G E 2)

WHAT’S INSIDE Sibling Rivalry page 3 Shabbat Dinner: The Grace After Meals page 4 The Jewish Dietary Laws page 5 One-Minute Bible Story by Shari Lewis page 6 Interfaith Parents Forum page 7 THE

ROBERT E. LOUP JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER

Preschool Shopping List

How to Choose a Preschool (CON T I N U E D F ROM P AGE 1) many Jews find there are definite advantages to choosing a preschool in a Jewish environment. Among them:

• You may find that a Jewish preschool can help strengthen and support your efforts to create a Jewish home. Many parents light candles on Shabbat for the first time because their children come home excited about the handdipped candles they made at school.

• You are strengthening your child’s connection with his or her heritage. While any preschool may introduce children to the concept of caring for animals, in a Jewish preschool children may learn about Noah’s Ark and the mitzvah of tzaar baalei hayyim (concern for animals).

• Your child and you will make friends with other Jewish children and their parents. Friends in preschool are important. Often, these friendships last for years. They can also be the basis of longlasting relationships between families.

WATCH FOR THESE THINGS: ✔ Do the staff and director have training or degrees in early childhood education?

✔ Is there a trained teacher on the premises at all times? ✔ Are teachers interacting with children?

✔ Is there a balance between teacher-directed activities and child-directed play?

• Your child will come home with tales of Purim rather than the Easter bunny. He or she will also be introduced early to the great stories of the Bible.

✔ Is there a wide variety of ageappropriate materials available for the children?

• You are reinforcing the moral teachings of Judaism. The values Jews hold dear—education, the integrity of the family, the importance of caring for one another, celebrating the festival holidays— are incorporated into the philosophy of most Jewish preschools.

✔ Are the classrooms orderly and clean? ✔ Is there a fenced place for outdoor play, with appropriate equipment? ✔ Are children spoken to with respect, and in quiet voices?

• Your child will learn about the rhythm and order of the Jewish week and about seasonal celebrations and festivals.

✔ Is there enough adult supervision?

✔ Do the children seem happy and productive?

✔ Finally, trust your instincts. Regardless of the physical facilities or paper credentials of the staff, a school that is too noisy for your personal style, or not organized enough for your taste, is probably not the right place for your child. Make sure you feel comfortable—otherwise, how can you hope your child will feel at home?

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In many cities, there are several Jewish preschools, all competing for students. You can find them through your local Jewish Community Center (which may also offer a program), as well as checking with synagogues and your local Jewish newspaper, if there is one. Remember that these programs are likely to vary in their approach—some may only give a passing nod to Judaism through a craft project for Hanukkah; others may teach the Hebrew alphabet and set aside Fridays for Shabbat celebrations. There are some things to look for in any preschool you are considering. For a checklist to help you while you look, see the column on the left.

Sibling Rivalry in the family. Keep in mind that often an older sibling is kind, caring and cheerful toward the baby, but lashes out, misbehaves or regresses in other apparently unrelated areas of life. In general, your first thought about negative behavior in the months following the birth should be, “Could this be a reaction to the baby?” Negative behavior is a reminder that you have an older child with very real needs.

parental attention, as a delightful new diversion, as an outsider who disrupts everything. To some extent, all of these are true. It is certain, though, that the birth of a younger sibling means less attention for the older one. There are ways to deal with this, of course. The first, and most important, is to realize that your older child suddenly finds him or herself in the position of sharing— something many toddlers have trouble with, anyway. Give your older child extra attention. At the younger child’s naming ceremony, or brit milah, have a special gift ready for the older child. You might want to present a gift to your toddler when you bring the baby home, too. Make sure you have outings alone with your older child. You may find you are dealing with negative behavior from the older child. It is common for older children to regress—to go from walking to crawling, or need diapers if they are toilet trained. The older child may be physically harmful to the younger one. This is common, but unacceptable. Make it clear that you will not allow physical violence. Use time-outs, and show the child how he or she can be helpful by holding the baby carefully, and bringing the baby a toy. It is a good idea to make sure you don’t leave your toddler alone with the baby, at least until you find out what his or her attitude toward the newcomer is. Understand that when your toddler acts out toward the baby, it is a reaction from jealousy over losing your full attention, and anger at his or her changed position

ewish lore is filled with stories of sibling rivalry. Cain and Abel, the sons of Adam and Eve, were the first to experience sibling rivalry; their story makes any latter day resentment seem tame. For those who forget their Bible stories, Cain was a farmer, while Abel was a shepherd. They both gave offerings to God, but God told Cain he didn’t like his offering. Abel’s, on the other hand, was fine. Enraged, Cain killed Abel. When God asked where Abel was, Cain gave a now time-honored answer: “Am I my brother’s keeper?” God punished Cain by having him wander the Earth for the rest of his life, and refused him a place in the next world. Another story of sibling rivalry is that of Joseph and the coat of many colors (see page 6). If you have more than one child, or are planning another, sibling rivalry is something you will probably have to deal with. Children, of course, have wildly differing reactions to the birth of a brother or sister. Older siblings may see the younger one as a threat to

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MIDRASH

While stories like that of Cain and Abel show the dark side of sibling relationships, there are stories of love and kindness, too, like this midrash from Vayikra Rabbah, retold here.

nce, two brothers lived on either side of a hill. One brother had a family; the other brother was single. One year, there was a bad harvest. Each brother worried about the other. One moonlit night, each set out from his home with a wagonful of grain for the other. “I am blessed with a wife and children who help me,” thought one brother, “but my brother has neither of these. I will bring him grain.” The other brother set off with the thought, “I have no children and wife to feed; surely I can spare some grain for my brother and his family.” And so the brothers set off. As each was coming over the hill, they saw each other and instantly realized what the other’s plan was. In the middle of a field, they embraced. That became the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, a memorial to their brotherly love.

C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E

Friday Night Shabbat Dinner: Grace After Meals

in the process of bentching by singing songs after dinner—their favorites and Shabbat songs. Then the parents said the prayers, almost always with sleeping children in their arms. You can take the Ciner family’s approach—or you can try Ron Wolfson’s idea of using a shortened version of the prayers. He says a sentence from each of the four core prayers of the Birkat Hamazon. Baruch atah Adonai hazan et hakol.

irkat Hamazon, the grace after the meal, is a lovely part of the Shabbat ritual. Although we say blessings before we eat, it is during the blessing after the meal that we thank God for the food we eat. The entire set of blessings can take ten minutes or so to read or sing. Traditional families “bentch” (the Yiddish word for reciting the grace after meals) after every meal. Before you think about your squirming toddler and forget the whole thing, though, consider doing just part of the blessings or recite your own words of gratitude and blessing after a meal, enough to satisfy the Biblical commandment in Deuteronomy 8:10-14, “When you have eaten and are satisfied, you shall bless Adonai your God for the good land which God has given you. Beware, lest you forget Adonai your God and fail to keep God’s commandments.” The tradition of grace after meals may have begun with Abraham. He welcomed all who came to his tent, generously offering them food, shelter,

clothing—whatever they needed. His only condition was that those who reaped his generosity thank the real source: God. In The Art of Jewish Living— The Shabbat Seder, Dr. Ron Wolfson defines the prayers of the entire Birkat Hamazon as a set of insights that “lead us through the entire Jewish experience, that review our total relationship with God, and that direct us towards a full sense of Jewish mission.” There is the blessing for the food, the land, Jerusalem, and the blessing of goodness. Again, doing the whole series of blessings may seem daunting. The Ciner family offers one way to deal with small, squirming children: they involved their young children

A reflection from the book Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-by-Step, by Lori Palatnik:

“W

hen I was a little girl growing up, I remember my grandmother used to go and sit to one side after the meal and sing the bentching [Birkat Hamazon] to herself. I didn’t even know she was bentching until I grew up and started experiencing traditional Judaism as an adult. After the Friday night meal where I

was a guest, people passed around the books (bentchers), and began singing that familiar tune! That’s what she was doing all those years ago! But why didn’t she tell me? Why didn’t she teach it to me? Perhaps she knew that I wouldn’t appreciate it or embrace it. Not then…but now. How wise she was. I know somewhere in heaven she is listening with great nachas [pride] every time I sing that song of thanks.” 4 ▼

≥lKoh' ta, ˆZ:h' òh hT;a' ËWrB; ≥ˆ/zM;h' l['w“ ≈r<a;h; l[' òh hT;a' ËWrB; wym;j}r"b] hn</B òh hT;a' ËWrB; ≥ˆmea; µyIl;v;Wry“ ∆Wnlem]/g aWh ∆Wnl;m;g“ aWh ds,j,w: ˆje d['l; Wnlem]g“yI aWh ≥j'yviM;h' t/myli WnKez:ywI µymij}r"w“ Baruch atah Adonai al ha’aretz ve’al hamazon. Baruch atah Adonai boneh v’rachamav Yerushalayim, Amen. Hu gemalanu, hu gomleinu, hu yigm’leinu la’ad hen vahesed verahamim vizakeinu limot ha-mashiach. Praised are You, Adonai, Provider of food for all. Praised are You, Adonai, for the land and for sustenance. Praised are you, Adonai, who in mercy rebuilds Jerusalem, Amen. Favor us with kindness and compassion now and in the future as in the past. May we be worthy of the days of the Messiah. Translation from The How To Handbook for Jewish Living by Kerry M. Olitzky and Ronald H. Isaacs.

Is That Kosher? A N I N T R O D U C T I O N T O T H E J E W I S H D I E TA R Y L AW S

“I

ate one rainy afternoon, when he saw no other customers inside, Mr. Finkelstein walked into an elegant but not kosher delicatessen. He bought some tomatoes, and, with elaborate insouciance, asked (for the first time in his life) “By the way, eh, how much costs that—bacon?” Came a terrific flash of lightning and clap of thunder. Finkelstein looked up to the heavens, protesting, “I was only asking!” —from The Joys of Yiddish by Leo Rosten

the laws pertain to the humane slaughtering of animals. Most people agree, however, that the laws of kashrut cannot be explained rationally or historically. They are observed because of the divine commandment to do so. No fewer than 15 of the 613 mitzvot (plural of mitzvah) in the Torah deal with kashrut. When Jews observe these mitzvot, they are following the covenant or partnership between God and the Jewish people. The laws of kashrut are often mentioned in the Torah in connection with holiness or separateness, and the rules of kashrut do help set Jews apart, enhancing a sense of unity and identity. They are also a way of sanctifying the commonplace and elevating the daily act of eating. One further explanation is offered by Rabbi David Nelson: “The Torah tells us to behave as images of God. One of the characteristics we can fairly easily attribute to God is consciousness or awareness. Thus, many mitzvot serve to raise our level of awareness, to make us conscious of who we are and how we live. Kashrut is a system that turns the preparation and eating of food from an unconscious to a conscious and deliberate thing. Through consciousness about what and how and when we eat, we become more like God.” For centuries, keeping kosher was one way to identify a Jew. In the 19th century, the founders of the Reform movement decided not to be bound by the laws of kashrut. Today, most Reform Jews are selective in their observance of kashrut. A large number of Conservative Jews observe the dietary laws. Orthodox Jews observe the laws of kashrut.

t’s strictly kosher,” one businessperson will say to another, meaning that the deal is completely legitimate. A word with many meanings in English, the most common meaning of kosher (from the Hebrew kasher) is fit to eat, permissible, and in keeping with the dietary laws. Interestingly enough, kosher started out meaning something very different than the Jewish dietary laws. It was first used in the Book of Esther to mean proper or fitting: “If the matter seems fitting (kasher) to the king.” (Esther 8:5) Kashrut is a complex system of laws that govern food consumption, especially meats and the separation of meat and dairy products. Vegetables and fruits are considered parve (neutral), and can be eaten with either meat or dairy. Some fish and eggs are parve also. The laws of kashrut come originally from the mitzvot or commandments in the Torah (the Five Books of Moses). These mitzvot were interpreted by the rabbis who developed the dietary rules. The rules concern the kinds of animals that may be eaten, how they are killed, and how they may be served. The Torah specifies that, among mammals, the only four-legged animals that may be eaten are those with split hooves that also chew a cud (Leviticus 11:1-43). The Torah goes so far as to name the animals that meet these criteria: ox, sheep, goat, deer, gazelle, roebuck, ibex, and antelope. Birds of prey are forbidden, but domestic poultry such as turkeys and chickens are fine. Reptiles, worms, and insects are out, which will no doubt be a relief to the squeamish among us. Any product of these forbidden creatures, such as eggs, is forbidden, too, with the exception of honey. Fish are allowed if they have a full complement of fins and if the scales

can be scraped off without tearing the skin. Shellfish, and fish such as shark and catfish, are forbidden. The laws for slaughtering animals are detailed. Only animals slaughtered according to ritual may be eaten. Animals are killed quickly with a razor-sharp knife so as to minimize pain and remove as much blood as possible. Then the meat must be soaked and salted to remove all the blood. Blood, as the symbol of life, is another forbidden food. (Deuteronomy 12:23-25) Finally, meat products and dairy products are kept strictly apart; this comes from the Biblical injunction “You will not boil a kid (baby calf) in its mother’s milk.” (Exodus 12:19, 34:26, Deuteronomy 14:21) Pots, pans, utensils and plates are kept separate for preparing and serving these two kinds of food. Those who keep kosher wait some period of time before eating milk products after eating meat. Why are there dietary laws? It is not true that the laws began as health and hygiene measures. One explanation is that the rules began because of a concern for preventing cruelty to animals, since many of 5 ▼

TIMELINE

One-Minute Bible Stories from Shari Lewis

18-24 Months: What Your Child Does Social Development • Learns the meaning of the word “mine”—and uses it often • May have trouble getting along with siblings; is self-centered • May develop separation anxiety

Physical Development • May see everything as a climbing challenge • May begin playing “catch” • May be able to manage tooth brushing by himself

What You Can Do

Joseph and His Wonderful Coat

acob had twelve sons, but he loved his youngest, Joseph, the most. When Joseph was seventeen, Jacob gave him an absolutely beautiful long-sleeved silk coat. Joseph’s eleven older brothers were jealous of the wonderful coat and of all the attention Joseph got. They were even more upset when Joseph told them he had dreamed that someday his brothers would bow down before him and obey his commands. One day Jacob sent his favorite son to the pasture to see how the sheep and goats were doing. The brothers were so angered at the sight of his beautiful coat that they took the coat away and threw Joseph into a deep pit without food or water. They intended to kill him, but before they could, a camel caravan passed and the brothers sold Joseph into slavery. He was taken to Egypt. To fool their father, the brothers splashed goat’s blood on Joseph’s coat. When Jacob saw it he thought Joseph had been killed by a wild beast, and he wept for days. In Egypt the Ishmaelites sold Joseph to a captain of the Pharaoh’s guard named Potiphar, and Joseph knew he would never see his home again.

Intellectual Development • Will begin to think through a problem to solve it • May begin to develop a sense of time • Will begin to pick up more words and make two-word sentences

In every issue we will feature one of Shari’s Bible stories to read or re-tell to your child. Here is her rendition of the story of Joseph’s coat-of-many-colors.

Social Development • Place colorful labels on his possessions to distinguish them from those of others • Understand that she needs to learn— by herself—how to get along with siblings • Let your child know when you will be leaving and when you will be coming back

Intellectual Development • Allow your child to begin to think through problems herself • Don’t expect your child to have a clear sense of what “yesterday” and “soon” mean • Read to your child every night; tell him what you are doing as you do it Physical Development • Keep an eye out for safety: watch dangerous climbing experiments, keep cleaning supplies and medicines well out of reach • Play “catch” but don’t expect to connect 100 percent of the time; you may want to teach your child to cradle her arms to catch the ball • Teach him how to brush his teeth, but repeat the process when he finishes

If your children are interested in what happens to Joseph after this story ends, tell them that he becomes the Egyptian Pharaoh’s dream interpreter and trusted advisor, and later reconciles with his eleven brothers who find him in Egypt, having fled their home because of famine. For the complete story see Genesis, chapters 37, 39-50. From One-Minute Bible Stories-Old Testament by Shari Lewis. Copyright © 1986 by Shari Lewis; Illustrations © 1986 by Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc. Used by permission of Doubleday, a division of Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group, Inc.

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INTERFAITH PARENTS FORUM You Are Your Background

B Money is to be enjoyed.

2. Success is to be pursued by all legitimate means.

Success should not be pursued at the expense of family ties.

3. Women’s primary role is in the home.

Women have a right to achieve as much as men.

4. A person has a right to be openly proud of his achievements.

Modesty is noble; boastfulness is crude.

5. You can only solve a problem by acting on it; talk is a waste of time.

You can best solve a problem by talking it through.

6. Words can be used for effect. Exaggeration is just a way to make the point.

Words are to be used carefully, not wasted.

7. Marriage is between two people.

Marriage is between two families.

8. Anger is expressed by continued fighting and debate.

Anger is shown by distancing and silence.

9. The authority of the parent is nondebatable.

All family rules can be negotiated by everyone.

A 1. Money is to be spent only when necessary.

As your toddler grows, you might be discovering differences between you and your spouse that you hadn’t noticed before. Children will do that to everyone, but parents whose partners come from different ethnic groups may notice it more. Knowing what those differences are can be the first step to finding ways to bridge the gap. This excerpt from The Intermarriage Handbook: A Guide for Jews and Christians, by Judy Petsonk and Jim Remsen, addresses this subject.

umber a piece of lined paper from 1 to 12. Beside each number, write A or B, depending on which statement is closer to the message you got from your family. Don’t look at your partner’s answers until you’re both done. There are no “right answers” to the exercise, no way to tell how you

ou may breakfast on croissants now instead of bagels. You may dine on steak instead of spaghetti. But you don’t lose the imprint of your cradle culture when you grow up and become a citizen of the world. You may develop a new, adult identity as a doctor, lawyer— even a religious convert. But ethnic traits, as one psychologist told us, are “etched in people’s bones”…. Perhaps you think that, as a modern couple, there are no meaningful differences between you. But you and your partner remain different in deep-in-the-gut ways. Your marriage may suffer if you are unable to recognize and accept those ethnically based personality differences…. Here is a written exercise to help you and your partner see your own ethnic styles.

10. Your problem is my problem.

Don’t interfere in others’ affairs.

11. Food is an expression of giving and love.

Food is for sustenance. Eat with moderation.

12. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

A little clutter just makes a house look lived in.

did. The purpose, instead, is to show that differences in style and behavior do not occur randomly but tend to be culturally based. Take time now to talk about the differences between your responses and your partner’s. Have these issues come up in your marriage? Both the special ways you and your partner complement each other and the particular problems you encounter in your marriage are likely to depend in part on the particular combination of ethnic backgrounds you and your partner bring to the marriage.

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Resources FOR PARENTS sorry” for the very young. Can be used during the High Holidays to illustrate the concept of T’shuvah.

Books…

A Sense of Sha bba t by Faige Kobre. Los Angeles, CA: Torah Aura Productions, 1989. With simple text and photos, this book explores the tastes, sights, sounds, smells, and feelings of Shabbat.

Apples & HoneyTM is a publication of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center, 350 South Dahlia Street, Denver, CO 80246. The purpose of Apples & Honey is to serve as an educational publication and outreach tool for expectant and new parents interested in learning about how to create a Jewish home. Lisa Farber Miller, Editor Sandra Widener, Managing Editor Hal Aqua, Design and Illustration Tamra L. Dollin, Judaic Consultant Bernice Tarlie, Bibliographer Dr. Jessica Pearson, Evaluation Consultant Risa Towbin Aqua, Calligraphy

T he J ewi sh H ome: A Gui de for J ewi sh L i vi ng by Daniel B. Syme. New York: UAHC, 1988. This is a useful concise guide to Jewish family life that explains from a liberal perspective the history, significance, and meaning of the Jewish holidays and important rituals.

The Second How-To Handbook for Jewish Living. Hoboken, NJ: KTAV, 1993. Presents more basic Judaism in a simple accessible format. Some of the topics included are giving a Devar Torah, starting a home Jewish library, how to arrange for a Brit Milah, a Simchat Bat, a Pidyon Haben, preparing for Shabbat, and how to prepare an ethical will and a living will.

See, Smell, and Touch Shabbat by Sol Scharfstein. Hoboken, NJ: KTAV, 1986. A Shabbat story book highlighting the symbols of Shabbat through the senses.

And for tots…

Wha t Do Y ou Do On A J ewi sh H oli da y? by Sol Scharfstein. Hoboken, New Jersey: KTAV, 1985. A colorful, appealing, lift-the-flap book for your child that gives an introduction to the holidays and their symbols.

H er oes of the Bi b le by Pockets of Learning. A fun-filled fabric activity book for toddlers.

My First Prayers: I’m Sorry by Anne Riley. Minneapolis, MN: Augsburg, 1990. Board book that illustrates the concept of “being

What Can You Do With a Bagel? by Harriet Feder. Rockville, MD: Kar-Ben, 1998. Colorful, amusing board book in which a toddler finds fun creative uses for a bagel.

Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center 350 South Dahlia Street Denver, CO 80246 LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE FOR PARENTS OF 2 TO 2 1/2 YEAR OLD CHILDREN Featuring: • The Spirit Within by Robert Coles • The Spiritual Development of Young Children • Making Shabbat Saturday Special for Your Family • Jewish Arts and Crafts for 2 Year Olds

Editorial Advisory Board Rabbi Daniel Goldberger, Dr. Ed Goldson, Rabbi David Nelson, Rabbi Raymond Zwerin

Individual subscriptions and bulk orders of newsletters are available by calling 303-3992660. There are 16 issues of Apples & Honey: prenatal issue; newborn to 3 months; 4–6 months; 7–9 months; 10–12 months; 12–18 months; 18–24 months; 2–2 1/2 years; 2 1/2–3 years; 3–3 1/2 years; 3 1/2–4 years; 4–4 1/2 years; 4 1/2–5 years; Fall Holidays (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot); Spring Holidays (Purim and Passover); and Winter Holidays (Chanukah and Tu B’Shevat). Apples & Honey was made possible by funds granted by The Covenant Foundation. The statements made and the views expressed, however, are solely the responsibility of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. © Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. No portion of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center.

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