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HELPING PARENTS
VOLUME 0NE, NUMBER TWO
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CREATE A JEWISH HOME
NEWBORN
Your Home: A Little Holy Place
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Creating a Jewish Home for Your New Baby
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veryone has been to a home that feels right. It is welcoming, cozy, a place where people feel appreciated and at peace. It is the kind of home you want to bring a new baby to. In Jewish tradition, that feeling is more than a happy accident. Mikdash me’at, or “little holy place,” are the traditional words for a synagogue—and a Jewish home. People expect a synagogue to feel holy—but they spend most of their time in their homes. You can create a home that is a little holy place, in your attitudes, practices, and in the objects you choose to have in your home. You can build a haven for your family, a sanctuary that affirms what is important to you as a Jewish family, and that feels like home should. Peacefulness. There’s a name for it in Hebrew—shalom bayit. It means a peaceful home, a home where people listen to one another, respect one another, and believe that disputes can be solved with reason, not slammed doors. As writer Anita Diamant points out in Living a Jewish Life, though, shalom means “complete” or “whole”. “Shalom bayit is not a quiet home, but a whole one,” she writes. “Quiet, somber observances miss the point. Laughter and foolishness
are pretty good indicators of family harmony. With very few exceptions, the goal of Jewish observance is to open people to the experience of joy—in Hebrew, simcha.” To some extent, creating a Jewish home means living a life that you want your children to emulate. Jewish tradition teaches that there is no distinction between religious life and the life of meals, work, and play we live every day. There are, however, a few specific ways to go about creating a home that honors the best of the Jewish tradition. One of the most important is the celebration of Shabbat. The articles listed below will help you bring the light of Jewish tradition into your home.
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Sweet and nourishing, they usher in the Jewish New Year at Rosh HaShanah with the hope that the year ahead will be pleasant and fulfilling. Among Persian Jews, it is also the custom to offer a plate of apples, a symbol of easy labor and delivery, to expectant couples. We hope that our Apples & Honey newsletters will guide you through the joyous, but often confusing, days of early parenthood. For parents concerned about how to raise their child as a Jew, there are Jewish traditions to learn about, understand, and incorporate into your new life as a family. In Apples & Honey, we hope to provide some information, some encouragement, and some thoughtful advice to help you embark on what will be the most exciting, nourishing, and sweet time of your life.
ALSO INSIDE: Displaying your heritage: the mezuzah on the nursery door page 2 Revive an ancient tradition: plant a tree for your new baby page 3 Friday nights: how to celebrate Shabbat in your home page 4 Post partum exercise for moms and baby page 6 Interfaith Parents Forum page 7 Finding good childcare: Jewish options page 8 THE
ROBERT E. LOUP JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER
D I S P L AY I N G Y O U R H E R I TA G E
The Mezuzah on the Nursery Door
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scroll inside that is traditionally attached to the right side of the doorway. The scroll is a piece of parchment (from a kosher animal) on which is handwritten the biblical commandment (or mitzvah) of the mezuzah: “Write these words upon the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deut. 6.9). These words from Deuteronomy are part of the Shema prayer, the central credo of Judaism, that proclaims God’s oneness in the world. Some explanations of the mezuzah’s purpose include blessing those who enter and leave the home and reminding Jews of the responsibility to act ethically. Many Jews touch the mezuzah and kiss the finger that touches it when they enter or leave a house. Mezuzot (plural of mezuzah) are sold in Judaica shops. You can also buy the parchment and make your own case. When your children get older they can make one out of paper or clay.
The Magic of the Mezuzah
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n object with many meanings, the mezuzah has been associated with magical qualities that offer special protection. Some Jews wear a mezuzah on a chain as an amulet or good luck charm. Others feel that using a mezuzah for protection distorts its importance as a symbol of a Jewish home. The Dictionary of Jewish Lore & Legend describes some of the uses of the mezuzah throughout history:
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f your home is a little sanctuary, it is a place to display a few cherished objects that connect you to ancient traditions. By placing these objects in a place of honor, you are making a statement that your heritage is worth taking some care over, and that you are proud of it. The possibilities are many. In this issue of Apples & Honey, we’ll discuss the mezuzah. Look for other ideas in subsequent issues. When you bring your baby home for the first time, consider affixing a mezuzah to the nursery door (and to your main doorway if you have not already placed one there). Many Jewish homes feature a mezuzah on the front door. According to tradition, a mezuzah is attached to every doorway in the house, except for bathrooms and closets. This tradition dates back to Biblical times, and has continued among Jews throughout the world. The word mezuzah in Hebrew literally means “doorpost”. A mezuzah is a small box with a
• In the Middle Ages Christians used mezuzot to protect their castles • During World War II Jewish soldiers carried a mezuzah in their pockets to ward off bullets • Kabbalists (Jewish mystics) believed that the mezuzah was a talisman: evil spirits could not inhabit a house with a mezuzah
HOW TO AFFIX A MEZUZAH
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irst, you’ll need a screwdriver and a drill to make holes in a metal doorframe or a hammer and nails for a wood doorframe. The mezuzah is attached to the right side of the doorway as you enter it. Place your mezuzah at eye level, within the upper third of the doorway. It is hung diagonally, with the top angling toward the inside of the door, pointing toward the room. You may want to place the mezuzah on the door to your child’s room at a height so she can touch it upon entering or leaving, although this is not according to Jewish law.
Say the following blessings prior to affixing the mezuzah:
µl;/[h; Ël,m, Wnyqeløa‘ òh hT;a' ËWrB; WnW:xiw“ wyt;wOx]miB] Wnv;D“qi rv,a} ≥hz:Wzm] ['/Bq]li
Ël,m, Wnyqeløa‘ òh hT;a' ËWrB; Wn[:yGIhiw“ Wnm;Y“qiw“ Wnyj‘h,v, µl;/[h;,
Baruch atah Adonai eloheynu melech ha’olam, asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu likboah mezuzah.
Baruch atah Adonai eloheynu melech ha’olam, shehecheyanu v’kimanu v’higiyanu lazman hazeh.
Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Ruler of the Universe, who has made us holy with mitzvot and commanded us to affix the mezuzah.
Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Ruler of the Universe, who has kept us alive, sustained us, and helped us to reach this moment.
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REVIVING AN ANCIENT TRADITION
Plant a Tree for Your New Baby
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can watch their tree grow, and celebrate the tree holiday Tu B’Shevat (the new year for trees celebrated in January or February) with a Tu B’Shevat birthday party for their tree. If you cannot plant a tree in a yard, another emerging tradition is for American Jews to plant a tree in Israel for a new baby in the Children’s Forest there. For information call the Jewish National Fund, 1-800-542-8733. If you want to add a spiritual element to planting a tree, Rabbi Debra Orenstein in her book Lifecycles includes a beautiful, brief tree planting ceremony for parents.
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n ancient and lovely tradition is to plant a tree when a new baby is born. According to the Talmud, in Biblical times a cedar was planted for a son, a cypress for a daughter (Talmud Gittin, 57a). The cedar symbolized strength and stature; the cypress signified gentleness and sweetness. The children cared for the trees planted in their honor. Once the child had grown and was ready to be married, branches were cut from the tree to make the wedding canopy or chupah under which he or she was married. Planting a tree is a family tradition you can adopt. Children
Looking for God in the Rings of a Tree
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new, but when something long gone returns. God is recalled when we greet the spring, the new fruit, even when we take out seasonal clothing long stored away. After enough time, every return is also a beginning. We see old things anew. The first peach of the year tastes different from the last peach of the previous year. That magic return reminds us of God. Each cycle is a new beginning. In children, origins are a powerful preoccupation. When children ask where they came from, we owe them not a scientific tale, but a spiritual saga. We come from God. Our origin is in eternity, to which we return. No one has truly humble beginnings. —David J. Wolpe
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od is in beginnings. We might say that God is inside the first ring of the tree—the force that brings things into being. The Bible opens with creation. That opening reminds us where God is to be found, at dawn and birth and beginnings. Many people experience a sense of God that is entirely new to them at the birth of a child. It is as if the instant of creation is being repeated. Somehow God is closer at the inception of life. When we speak of the miracle of new life, we are noticing the miracle of beginnings. One of the characteristics of Judaism is to take the cycle of life, things that recur each year like the new season, and see them as fresh starts…many experiences are marked with the blessing “Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who has kept us in life, sustained us, and enabled us to reach this day.” That blessing is said when we taste the first fruit of the new season, and we invoke God not only when something is entirely
Reprinted with permission from Teaching Your Children About God, a Modern Jewish Approach by David J. Wolpe. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 1995. Rabbi Wolpe is Assistant to the Chancellor at the Jewish Theological Seminary and the author of Why Be Jewish?, Henry Holt & Co., 1995.
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MIDRASH
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nce, while the sage Honi was walking along a road, he saw a man planting a carob tree. Honi asked him, “How many years will it require for this tree to give forth fruit?” The man answered that it would take seventy years. Honi asked, “Are you so healthy a man that you expect to live that length of time and eat of its fruit?” The man answered, “I found a fruitful world because my ancestors planted it for me. So will I do for my children.” Talmud Ta’anit, 23a This is a midrash, a wise saying from a collection of works that reveal ways of understanding the meaning of Biblical passages. The interpretations of the midrash serve to elucidate parts of the Torah and other sacred literature. The major collections of midrashic literature come from the period 400 to 1200 C.E.
C E L E B R AT I N G S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Friday Night Shabbat Dinner
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company of family and friends, visiting, chatting, or sharing a meal. Later, you can try adding other rituals. Create a Shabbat that becomes something your family looks forward to every week, a time to strengthen your spiritual base, regroup as a family, and shape Jewish memories for your children that will last their lifetimes. What is Shabbat? Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, a famous philosopher and scholar, described Shabbat or the Sabbath day as “a palace in time.” One day a week is set aside to change our daily routine in a significant way. This 25 hour period of time from just before sundown Friday to Saturday nightfall becomes “a palace,” a day set apart from the other six. On this day God rested from the act of
creation and so too traditional Jews refrain from creative work. Instead they celebrate Shabbat through rest, prayer, song, food, family and study. When the Siegel family of New York City had their first child, Alana, they began staying home on Friday night. Later, when Alana asked to include prayers for the household and for others in the world, those prayers were added. Soon the family began including songs and dances. “In the hurly burly of the week, it’s easy to put off being with your family, to say that you’ll be good to your kids tomorrow, but that you have to finish that report tonight,” says Seth Siegel. “Our Friday nights are wonderful islands in time.”
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ow that you are a family, you can begin thinking about what kind of Shabbat feeling you want in your home. Observing the Sabbath is the most fundamental way to create a Jewish home and one of the best ways to preserve family time. Of course, these first few months you may feel lucky to get dinner on the table and eat uninterrupted by baby’s demands. or those who have never kept Shabbat, thinking about how to go about it can seem overwhelming. The suggestions that follow are just that—possibilities for creating your own Shabbat celebration. We suggest you start with lighting candles one Friday night with dinner, and go from there. Try to set aside time on Shabbat to enjoy the
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DRESS-UP CLOTHES
PERFECT BABY
CHALLAH COVER
KIDDUSH CUP
2 CHALLAHS CANDLES KIDDUSH WINE SPECIAL MEAL
FAMILY & FRIENDS
TABLECLOTH
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C E L E B R AT I N G
S H A B B AT AT H O M E
Friday Night
Lighting the Candles
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habbat is full of rituals, each with its own symbolic meaning. The primary rituals for welcoming Shabbat at home are:
• blessing wine and bread;
• sharing a festive meal together. Preparing for and observing Shabbat can include many other rituals and activities, including:
• blessings for children and parents; • singing songs;
òh hT;a' ËWrB; µl;/[h; Ël,m, Wnyqeeløa‘ WnW:xiw“ wyt;wOx]miB] Wnv;D“qi rv,a} ≥tB;v' lv, rnE qylid“h'l]
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• making challah;
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t least two candles are lit because the Torah gives us two commandments about Shabbat, Keep the Shabbat and Remember the Shabbat.…Actually, candles have only been used for 300 years or so. Before that, Jews used bowls made of clay, silver or copper, hung from the ceiling, with wicks in olive oil, for their Shabbat lights.” —from The Shabbat Book by Joyce Klein
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• lighting and blessing the candles;
habbat and Jewish holidays are ushered in by the lighting of candles. On Friday, just before sunset, women traditionally light two candles for Shabbat. Some add a candle for each child. In other families, the honor is rotated among all the members of the family who are old enough to handle the matches. Many women wave their hands in small circles up to seven times (three times is most common), drawing in the flames and the warmth they carry. They cover their eyes and recite this blessing, officially beginning the Sabbath:
WHY IS THERE A TRADITION OF LIGHTING TWO CANDLES?
• giving tzedakah;
• discussing family life or the Torah over dinner;
Baruch atah Adonai eloheynu melech ha’olam, asher kidshanu b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu l’hadlik ner shel Shabbat.
• cleaning the house.
Blessed are You, Eternal our God, Ruler of the Universe, who has made us holy with Mitzvot and commanded us to kindle the Shabbat lights.
In every issue of Apples & Honey we will feature one or more of these ways to celebrate so you can experiment with them to create your own family traditions.
In many households, candle lighting is followed by everyone saying Shabbat Shalom (Sabbath Peace), and kissing the other members of the family. The lights continue to burn throughout the meal and evening.
• blessings after the meal;
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• going to synagogue;
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MIDRASH SARAH, THE FIRST WOMAN TO LIGHT SHABBAT CANDLES
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here is a midrash from Talmudic literature that credits Sarah, Abraham’s wife, with starting the tradition of light (and by extension lighting candles) on Shabbat. After Sarah died, there was no light in Abraham’s tent, until Rebecca came. “When Rebecca came, the light returned,” it tells us. When Isaac, Abraham’s son, saw Rebecca continuing his mother’s rituals, he married her.
TIMELINE
Resources FOR NEW PARENTS
YOUR BABY’S DEVELOPMENT Babies develop at different rates. Here’s a general idea of what to expect during your baby’s next few months. ONE MONTH • Watches your face, listens to your voice • Needs head support when held • Communicates by crying loudly • Sleeps most of the day
Ar t of J ewi sh L i vi ng: T he Sha bba t Seder by Ron Wolfson. New York: The Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs, 1985. Presents both the meaning of Shabbat and the practice with multiple layers of information and guidance for leaders and participants both liberal and traditional.
An Invitation to Shabbat: A Beginner’s Guide to Weekly Celebration by Ruth Perelson. New York: UAHC, 1997. A step-by-step and blessing-by-blessing guide for Shabbat from candle-lighting to Havdalah. From the Reform perspective, this guide includes descriptions of rituals, recipes, a bibliography, and a CD recording of the music of Shabbat.
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• Can kick and wave hands
Books…
TWO MONTHS
• Makes sounds that show sleepiness, pain, hunger, pleasure
• Can be soothed by being held and by hearing familiar voices
• Movements becoming coordinated
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• Shows more interest in people than in objects
J ewi sh P a r enti ng: Ra b bi ni c I nsi ghts by Judith Z. and Steven A. Abrams. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1994. Designed for Jewish parents who want to connect with tradition and raise their children with the benefit of modern medical science. Also intended for medical caregivers who wish to understand the Jewish aspects of medical and child care.
• Shows a preference for sleeping positions • Begins to show emotions by smiling
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• Can see objects in detail; focuses better • Can lift head and keep it up • Attention span increases
• Continues to show more interest in people than objects • Can grasp objects and hold them for several seconds
Things you can do to promote your child’s development at this age:
Gates of Shabbat: A Guide for Observing Shabbat by Mark Dov Shapiro. New York: Central Conference of American Rabbis, 1991. A Reform perspective on the basic ceremonies necessary for introducing Shabbat into the home with background material on the rituals as well as music, prose and poetry, the role of the synagogue, and the meaning of “rest”.
Friday Night and Beyond: The Shabbat Experience Step-by-Step by Lori Palatnik. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1994. An easy-tofollow “how-to” approach, exploring common questions and concerns and including personal reflections by other individuals on each aspect of the observance.
• Talk and sing to your baby • Hang a simple mobile over the crib 6 ▼
Songs…
Wher e Dr ea ms Ar e Bor n by Margie Rosenthal and Ilene Safyan. Jewish lullabies and ballads in Hebrew, English, Yiddish and Ladino (winner of the 1992 Parents’ Choice Honor award).
Shabbat Shalom by Cindy Paley. Twenty festive songs for Shabbat with the accompanying book including the lyrics in Hebrew, English and transliteration.
For tots… My J ewi sh H ome by Martin Lemelman. New York: UAHC, 1988. Colorful board book for toddlers, illustrating Jewish symbols and ceremonial objects. Also available as a vinyl bath book.
INTERFAITH PARENTS FORUM Faith to Face By Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben
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Compromises grow out of a mutually supportive process. They are yet another example of how a team marriage is an important foundation for successfully negotiating your way through the potential emotional minefields of the interfaith family. When couples aren’t able to approach childraising decisions as a team, they almost automatically become adversaries. Each decision creates a painful, unnecessary win/lose environment in which neither “side” feels totally good or happy. Interfaith marriages need to be built on a foundation of mutual trust. Decisions about how to raise your children must be arrived at together, as part of a loving team where both partners feel good about the end results, or your marriage itself is being undermined from within.
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ost of the conflicts that do arise among interfaith couples are a result of deep-felt needs for specific religious rituals and observances to be a part of an individual’s life. Most people spend very little time dwelling on abstract religious principles. Their real concern is in the realm of “practical religion.” Couples will often attempt to create a boy/girl compromise, or a “first one is yours, second one is mine” compromise. Too often, they have conversations within their own minds as they mull over the decisions that they would like to make regarding their children, and somehow forget to actually discuss the issues themselves with their partner. Brenda was in the middle of sharing her views on child raising during an interview I was conducting with her and her husband, Dan, when she volunteered the following information: “If we have a girl I’d like her to be baptized, although I don’t think I’ve told Dan that yet. Since I agreed to give a boy a Bar Mitzvah, I see it as a simple give and take.” Dan was surprised and a bit taken aback to hear this new piece of significant information that had just been dropped in his proverbial lap. He tried as best he could under the circumstances to find out what she really had in mind. “I think our kids will be raised with everything,” he said. “We’ll explain the holidays to them and they’ll decide for themselves. I really don’t know enough about what baptism means to say anything about it at the moment.
This is the first time I’ve heard about it and I’ll have to find out what it means.” In what can only be described as a classic moment of understatement, Brenda replied, “Well, the priest just sprinkles some water on her and says a blessing and it’s kind of a cleansing of sorts, that’s all.” Obviously, Brenda and Dan have a lot to talk about, and it was sad for me to witness a not untypical demonstration of just how poorly couples really do communicate over these issues. It is simply sowing the seeds of disaster to avoid discussing these crucial needs, desires, and feeling with regard to the raising of your children.
Interfaith marriages need to be built on a foundation of mutual trust.
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Reprinted with permission from Raising Jewish Children in a Contemporary World: The Modern Parent’s Guide to Creating a Jewish Home. Rocklin, CA: Prima Publishing, 1992. Rabbi Steven Carr Reuben, Ph.D. is an author, lecturer, and educator who is widely known for his work over the past 15 years writing for and counseling interfaith families.
Many community resources exist to help interfaith couples, including: ✔ Parenting classes ✔ Rabbis ✔ Support groups for interfaith couples offered by counselors, synagogues, JCCs and other community agencies like the Jewish Family Service ✔ Books and videos
When Your Maternity Leave Ends: Finding Good Childcare
Jewish Childcare Options
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n many communities, there are synagogues and Jewish Community Centers that erhaps the most important provide daycare for young thing to keep in mind while children. It can be a good way for looking for a caregiver is to Jewish families to add another trust yourself and your layer of familiarity and instincts. You know if your peace of mind to their LOOKING childcare arrangements. child requires more hugging than most; you The advantages of JewishFOR A can tell if something about oriented daycare are this day care center doesn’t CAREGIVER several: seem right, or if your child just doesn’t seem to like • You are likely to know other the babysitter. More than anyone families; else, you know what’s best for • If you don’t know other your child. families, it is a good way to During your child’s first year, meet them; your child’s primary need is for • Your child will make friends stability and security so he or she with other Jewish children; learns to trust the world. Strong
Apples & HoneyTM is a publication of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center, 350 South Dahlia Street, Denver, CO 80246. The purpose of Apples & Honey is to serve as an educational publication and outreach tool for expectant and new parents interested in learning about how to create a Jewish home. Lisa Farber Miller, Editor Sandra Widener, Managing Editor Hal Aqua, Design and Illustration Tamra L. Dollin, Judaic Consultant Bernice Tarlie, Bibliographer Dr. Jessica Pearson, Evaluation Consultant Risa Towbin Aqua, Calligraphy
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• Daycare in a Jewish environment provides a sense of security and community;
• Your child will begin her Jewish education by learning Jewish songs, holidays, and customs.
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attachments are crucial, so finding a consistent caregiver who likes to touch and talk to babies is important. Someone who works with this age group needs to be particularly concerned with health and safety measures. The nonprofit National Association for Education of Young Children recommends a ratio of three children to one caregiver.
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Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center 350 South Dahlia Street Denver, CO 80246 LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE FOR PARENTS OF 4 TO 6 MONTH OLD CHILDREN Featuring: • Making Bedtimes Jewish • Challah: Traditions, Customs, Recipes • Starting a Jewish Playgroup • The Grandparents’ Role
If you decide you are interested in finding Jewish-based child care, check with your local Jewish Community Center, ask synagogues, and ask other Jewish families.
Editorial Advisory Board Rabbi Daniel Goldberger, Dr. Ed Goldson, Rabbi David Nelson, Rabbi Raymond Zwerin
Individual subscriptions and bulk orders of newsletters are available by calling 303-3992660. There are 16 issues of Apples & Honey: prenatal issue; newborn to 3 months; 4–6 months; 7–9 months; 10–12 months; 12–18 months; 18–24 months; 2–2 1/2 years; 2 1/2–3 years; 3–3 1/2 years; 3 1/2–4 years; 4–4 1/2 years; 4 1/2–5 years; Fall Holidays (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur and Sukkot); Spring Holidays (Purim and Passover); and Winter Holidays (Chanukah and Tu B’Shevat). Apples & Honey was made possible by funds granted by The Covenant Foundation. The statements made and the views expressed, however, are solely the responsibility of the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. © Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center. No portion of this publication may be reproduced without written permission from the Robert E. Loup Jewish Community Center.
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