The Cougar NOT M onocle August 3098
JACK M. BARRACK HEBREW ACADEMY
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Operation: Ski Trip
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Tea cher Fight s
When t est ca l enda r r ight s a r e t hr ea t ened, t he gl oves come off. St a l in Rudol er
The Hebr ew Depa r t ment fight is a cl ose ca l l . Ma ya Rosenber g uses her Mossa d t r a ining t o knock out Mor a h Ricky a nd Mir ia m, but is t oo dist r a ct ed by Hedva ?s popul a r it y t o not ice Angel a ?s high heel fl ying t hr ough t he a ir . Let ?s j ust sa y, Angel a wa s a shoe-in.
Toda y, JBHA?s t ea cher s wil l fight it out for a cer a mic mug embl a z oned wit h t he wor ds ?BEST TEACHER EVER? t o put on t heir desk. Refer eed by t he Cor e t ea cher s, a nd host ed by La r r y a nd Na im, it is t he event of t he sea son. The winner wil l be t he envy of a l l who l a y eyes on t he st unning r ecept a cl e. Pl us t hey?ll ha ve a nice cup. Fir st up in t he r ing, JBHA?s feist iest a nd cl osest knit compet it ion. Known for t heir Rosie t he Rivet er t oughness in r equir ing Pr ima r y Sour ce document s? t he Hist or y Depa r t ment ! In one cor ner , we ha ve Dr . Z iskind. t he t hr ee l a dies hop int o t he Nea r by, cheer ing her on wit h r ing, a r med wit h fa ct s a bout ?My Ol d Kent ucky Home,? PAC a ncient Rome. Dr . Z iskind whips out her const it ut ion (she never l ea ves home wit hout it ) inst a nt l y fr eez ing t he ot her t ea cher s a s t hey scr a mbl e for t heir own copies, a nd sna gs a win.
They a l l r ecit e digit s of pi t o wa r m up a nd a ccuse one a not her of being ir r a t iona l , obt use, a nd not r ea l .
a nd WAC duke it out for her a ffect ions. In t he second cor ner , Ivy Ka pl a n is l ivid. Mr s. Ta ichma n coul d not ma ke it a s she is on her fa r m in Wisconsin, pr oba bl y doing yoga . Mr s. Scheinma nn t a kes t he t hir d cor ner , a nd is hur r iedl y gr a ding Gov t est s but is r ea dy t o t a ke on t he compet it ion wit h her Mock Tr ia l power s of per sua sion. The bel l r ings t o st a r t t he ma t ch, a nd
BEST QUOTES OF 2020
Next t o ent er t he r ing: Los Ra bbis. Inst ea d of fight ing, t hey al l ga t her a r ound Ra bbi Rosenber g t o gossip (NOT LASHON HARA) a bout his enga gement . No winner is decl a r ed, a nd Ms. La wr ence hops int o t he r ing t o cha t wit h her quiz z o best ie. Spea king of Ms. La wr ence, you know it : t he Engl ish Depa r t ment is up. In a n a l a r ming l a ck of fight r ing decor um, Mr . McLa ughl in, Ms. La wr ence, a nd Mr s. Ander son a l l bow down t o Rit a Schuma n a nd quest ion t he exist ent ia l va l ue of being t her e in t he fir st pl a ce.
pi t o wa r m up a nd t hen t hey a ccuse one a not her of being ir r a t iona l , obt use, a nd not r ea l . As t hey begin t o cir cl e t he r ing, Mr . Gor ml ey dr ops a bea t , a nd it a ppea r s a s t hough Mr s. Siney is ga ining t he upper ha nd by confusing t he ot her t ea cher s wit h her a ccent . As t hey t r y t o decipher her wor ds, a nd why she t hinks t he squa r e r oot of four is nega t ive t wo, t he r oom suddenl y goes da r k. A spot l ight shines fr om over hea d, a nd Yoda , AKA Mr s. Geft er , sl o- mo wa l ks up t o Mr s. St r ick?s side. Toget her , a nd a r med wit h a n Appl e Pencil , t hey a r e unst oppa bl e. The BC Ca l c Bunch scr ea m fr om t he sidel ines, nea r l y pa ssing out . No need t o sa y mor e a bout who won t his r ound, fol ks.
The Wor l d La ngua ges Depa r t ment wa s going t o compet e, but Fr ench disa ppea r ed int o t hin a ir a nd no one ha d t he gut s t o t a ke on Mr . Hofst et t er consider ing his int ense t r a ining in The Ma t h Depa r t ment hops in Gl a dia t or fight ing. next . They a l l r ecit e digit s of
"Do you want to build a snowman?" -- Daniel Spivat
"May the Force be with you." -- Eliot Fitchell
?When we hang the capitalists they will sell us the rope we use.? ? Hallie Anderson
STEAM a nd t he Science Depa r t ment ent er a j oint ma t ch t o fight over who get s t o t ea ch Physics. Mr . Sil ver ma de a st r ong st a nd, a nd Mr s. Hel fgot t even offer ed t hem honey a s a br ibe, but Mr . Ma ima n ca me pr epa r ed. He a imed t he l a ser cut t er t owa r ds t he r ing, a nd cha nnel ing Dr . Doofenshmir t z , t hr ea t ened t o z a p t hem (a nd t he t r i- st a t e a r ea ) wit h his t a ke- over t he- second- fl oor - ina t or . They ba cked down. Fina l l y, t he moment you a l l ha ve a l l been wa it ing for : t he fina l s. Dr . Z iskind vs. Rit a Schuma n vs. Mr s. St r ick vs. Angel a vs. Mr . Ma ima n. Hol d on - - a sur pr ise compet it or ! Depa r t ment cha mpions now must t r y t o bea t t he boss -- Dr . Ka t z , whose pr est ige a nd posit ion per mit s him t o j ump st r a ight int o t he fina l s. We?r e in for a good ma t ch. Wit hout t he Union, t hough, t he t ea cher s ca nnot compet e a ga inst Dr . Ka t z , who dr a ma t ica l l y point s t o t he Per iodic Ta bl e a nd excl a ims, ?I?m in my el ement , kids!? He pr ompt l y wins t he ma t ch wit h a ka r a t e kick, a nd he finishes off wit h a r esounding, ?I?ve got bigger fish t o fr y now. DDK out . St op by if you?r e ever in Det r oit ."
This edition has been brought to you by: the STEAM department's enormous budget "Elementary, my dear Watson." -- Dan Paxter
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An Accent Wall aDay KeepstheDoctor Away Maya"BidenMyTime" Shavit
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Dining Commons Yelp Review
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Last summer, somedepartment headsof Jack M. Barrack HebrewAcademy met todecidehowthey could better alleviatestressduringtheupcoming2019Devora "WhereIsButtigieg" Solomon 2020 school year. Theschool principal, Mrs. Levi, received aslewof emailsfrom concerned Main Lineparents announcing their children wereafraid to come I?d have to give this place 4 stars. I mean the parking situback to school for a multitude of reasons. The meeting was transcribed by the Hu- ation is horrible; there?s often no spots out front and then you have to park dow n the street! (Insider tip: you can just park bemanitiesDepartment head, Mr. Laughlin. Mrs. Levi: Dear friends and coworkers, we hind the other building.) And once you actually get in the place, aregathered heretoday todiscussan ongo- it?s only open for 30 minutes! I mean they must have a lot of customers to be able to only be open for 30 minutes a day. The line ingissuein theupper school. Thestressstuis terrible, too. Well, there?s tw o lines, but one is only for little kids. dentsexperienceduringtheschool year has Anyw ay, you can alw ays skip the line by saying you have a test reached an all-time high according to our or something. Now the food. Is. Good. I mean it?s not gourmet, Math Department. How can it be that a but man do they fill you up on carbs! You leave this place feeling place whose sole responsibility is to deterso full, you are a bit nauseous, but also ready for the rest of the minesomeone?sentireacademic path could #BRIGHTIDEAS day. There?s no one to seat you but there?s alw ays plenty of seatupset theaveragestudent. It bafflesme! ing options available. Overall, this place has its dow nsides but is Ms. Strike: It ishonestlyinsanethat thesechildren arestressed out bythese definitely w orth it. But make sure you?re on time or else you may veryhallways. I mean, theyaresobright and cheerful! not get anything! Dr. Griskind: Well, one could argue that the students are concerned becauseof theoverwhelmingamountsof work weforceupon them. Dr. Cats: That issimplyoutlandish. Theenvironment thestudentslearn in must beoppressiveor confining. Weneed tohaveour studentsfeel safe. Nothingshould startlethemduringtheday. stressof classtransitionscompletely, but howwill studentsremain cheerful in Dr. Griskind: Well, what doyou propose?Theclassesfolloweach other; we class? can?t possibly givebreaksbetween each one. Theday would becomelonger by Ms. Strike: I know! Weshould brighten theclasseswith fun paint. Not too default and theAllentown students(and no others) already arrivehomeafter fun though; wedon?t want thewallsto inspirethestudentsto act out against fiveat night or so. Oncethebell hasrung, thenext classsucceedsit. Derech Eretzvalues. Dr. Cats: That?sit! Thereshould nolonger bebells. That way, thestudents Dr. Griskind: Exactly! Theuseof accent wallswill most likelycureseasonal will not stress about the next class itself, but when it will begin. The bell is depression and generallymakeour studentsmoreproductive. abrupt and harassestheearsof theyounglingswhobarely get enough sleep as Mrs. Levi: Thissoundsliketheperfect solution toall of our students' probis. lems. Nobody could ever feel stressed about thestateof theschool again after Mrs. Levi: Dr. Cats you are onto something! That will surely relieve the wehavemadethesecalmingchanges. Meetingadjourned.
Adieu from DDK Rebs "Kanye2020" Shaid
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break. Final s came and went, but their break persisted. They final l y practices in their garages over the accepted that they were finished. Aron "Feel inTheBern" Shkl ar Despite his disappointment, Matt was ne xt fe w sum m e r m onths. A s the y We al l know DJ Gorms, determined to stay with music, band l egendary Barrack DJ, al so known improved, word of themspread, and or not. to a sel ect few as Mr. Matthew by the start of their school year, Several weeks l ater, at a Gormley, math whiz. But what we they were being asked to pl ay at birthday party, Matt observed the don?t know is how he became the DJ various parties of their friends. They DJ station in fascination. It was started hosting concerts, first for their friends, then for kids from quite simil ar to the turntabl es he other school s. But as their own pl ayed with his ol d band, but much school work pil ed up, they began to more el aborate. The DJ, bearing a accept that they woul dn?t be abl e strong resembl ance to Phil l y icon, Questl ove, offered Matt a try on to keepthe band together. However, as the next summer the station. The moment his hands hit beckoned, the friends started to the ?on? button, Matt fel t an think that their band might be abl e instant connection to this machine. Questl ove, DJ gorms' earl y mentor to stick together after al l . But that he is today. His epic saga then real ity struck: their final started when he was 14 years ol d, exams were just weeks away and during a l azy summer day. He was they had to start studying now. hanging out with some friends when Stress overtook them, and the band someone suggested they try making was spending l ess and l ess time music together. They determined their together. Then, the week before He asked for a few more minutes, rol es, and young Matt decided to final s, the band cal l ed a meeting. and the DJ obl iged. Despite l ittl e work the turntabl es. This newl y The pressure of hol ding the band real experience, Matt seemed to formed young band, stil l unsure of a together mixed with final s was too know what he was doing. At that name for themsel ves, hel d several much for them. They had to take a moment he thought to himsel f, ?I
The Tal e of DJ GORMS
His Epic Saga started when he was 14 years ol d
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feel l ike I was born to do this.? When summer began, Matt started buil ding an onl ine portfol io of famous DJ?s and videos of themin their art. He used an onl ine program to practice, and was soon scoring wel l . High school proceeded to fl y by in a bl ur, and yet he kept working to become a DJ. Now performing under the moniker DJ Gorms, he went to col l ege for music, and honed his skil l s as a DJ. He finished col l ege and started taking up a few smal l DJ gigs, al ways l ooking for the big one, the one that woul d make him known. In l ate 2019, he heard about a Jewish day school , known as Barrack, in need of a DJ. He appl ied and won the job. A fewmonths l ater, the 9th and10th Grade Semi-Formal Dance arrived. Matt was asked to DJ, and worked the DJ tabl e for nearl y three-and-a-hal f hours, without stopping. The thunderous appl ause he received when the dance ended confirmed that his goal was achieved: he had become a l egend.
Mystery of the Plastic Baby Kayla ?BillionaireBerg?Bleier Have you ever seen a little plastic baby, one so small it could fit on your finger? Perhaps you saw it briefly, barely registering its existence. Or perhaps, you saw it sitting in the most curious location and it made you wonder, "W ho put this here?" Well, this baby has been floating around our very own JBHA for months. It is a mystery how the baby arrived here. One day, it was seen on the banister; the next day, it appeared in the library; every day, it seemed to move. The unnamed piece of plastic was always somewhere new. I remember finding the plastic baby inside of the paper-towel dispenser in the girls' bathroom. Two days later, I found it in the library. Was this baby a pawn in some big game? Was it really hundreds of babies, and I only saw one at a time? That I do not know. I do know that the baby appeared when I least expected it. This plastic baby only hung around during the first trimester -- unless it is hiding -- and I have not seen it in a long time. W hat did the plastic baby see while it was here? W hat adventures did it go on? The truth is, I do know about the baby. It came from another planet. This plastic mini-figurine is not the only one like itself, as you may know. Tens and hundreds of these little plastic babies can be bought at once. All of them, without exception, are not manufactured on earth as their labels suggest. No -- they come from Mars. You might have heard of the Artemis program, and you most likely know of NASA, but you do not know every secret in their database. The Artemis program is one that plans to send men and women to the moon within the next ten years, and onwards to Mars soon after. That is no secret. This program is broadcast far
and wide, and many projects are underway to aid it and help it progress. But this widespread publicity has spread to our galactic neighbors. It has been drilled into our brains since childhood that we are alone in the universe. We all think we know how unique life on our pale blue dot is, but we have been lied to. Life exists, and it exists nearby. There have been robotic expeditions to Mars in the form of rovers sent from earth. After a while, the rovers "die", or lose contact with Earth. The public has been told that this is due to batteries dying or storms covering the rovers. This past February, the Opportunity rover was pronounced "dead", and the mission was declared complete. The published reason for the loss of the rover was that a slow accumulation of dust from storms blocked the solar panels completely. However, recently exposed information from inside sources has uncovered the truth. After fifteen years of active running, the Opportunity rover was overtaken by Martians. This was eleven months ago, and until recently, there has been little said regarding lost rovers or Mars connections. Eight months ago, these plastic babies began to appear. Due to data from the rovers sent to Mars, the journey between Earth and Mars can last between seven and nine months. These two occurrences are no mere coincidence. Plastic babies by the thousand have been sent to Earth from Mars. W hy? We do not yet know, but we do know that one has made its way into our school. We do not know what information it has gathered, but we do know it is linked to the progression of the Artemis program. This means that now more than ever you must be alert! Constant vigilance is the key to surviving in this dystopian society we find growing around us. Report suspicious activity, and do not be afraid to question the unthinkable. Something is out there and we will be prepared.
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Why I s M y Research Paper Wet? D evor a "W h er eI sBu tt i gi eg"Sol om on ?M ay be n ow y ou can r ow f or a bi t?? Sar ah ask s. ?D on ?t be si l ly, Sar ah d ear ; th e w ater w ash ed of f al l m y com m en t s an d n ow I h ave to st ar t over .?
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?M ay be n ow, M om ? I m ean i t?s w i n ter br eak an d al l y ou ?ve d on e i s gr ad e r esear ch p ap er s.? ?H ey, i t?s n ot m y f au l t th at m y stu d en t s d on ?t u n d er stan d h ow to p u t a f ootn ot e af ter th e p er i od . I m ean , f or God ?s sake, h ow m an y ti m es d o I h ave to tel l th em ? A n d d on ?t even get m e star ted on th e w ay th ey sep ar ate th ei r p ar agr ap h s. I m ean th i s on e h as a bod y p ar agr ap h th at?s tw o p ages l on g!? A s D r . Z i sk i n d h ol d s u p th e atr oci t y th at i s th at stu d en t ?s r esear ch p ap er , th e w i n d bl ow s th e sh eets ou t of h er h an d s an d r i gh t i n to th e r i ver . ?O h , n o!? D r . Z i sk i n d excl ai m s. Sh e qu i ck ly d i ves ou t of th e r ow boat an d af ter th e r esear ch p ap er , w h i ch i s al r ead y d r i f ti n g d ow n str eam . Ju st as sh e gets cl ose to i t, an al l i gator f oot n ot e i n st r u cti on s th i s y ear ,? D r . com es ou t of n ow h er e an d ch om p s Z i sk i n d r esp on d s. d ow n on i t. D r . Z i sk i n d w r estl es th e T h ey con ti n u e on l i ke th i s, p ap er ou t of th e al l i gator ?s m ou th Sar ah d ef eat ed ly r ow i n g d ow n th e an d qu i ck ly sw i m s aw ay. Sh e h op s r i ver . A s t h e d ay d r ags on an d th e back i n th e boat an d h ol d s u p th e m osqu i t oes begi n to com e ou t, Sar ah p ap er tr i u m p h an tly. d eci d es t o t r y agai n . GOOGLE IMAGES
D ecem b er 26 : T h e ai r i s f oggy i n th e d am p , sw am p y Ever gl ad es. T h e on ly sou n d s t o be h ear d ar e th e bi r d cal l s u p above i n t h e t r ees, t h e qu i et w h oosh of th e oar s gl i d i n g t h r ou gh th e w ater , th e p en ci l m ar k i n g th e p ap er , an d D r . M i n n a Z i sk i n d m u tter i n g u n d er h er br eat h . ?M om , can y ou take a tu r n r ow i n g?? Sar ah ask s, h er ar m s ti r ed . ?I n a m i n u te; i t seem s l i ke m y st u d en t s d i d n ?t car e at al l abou t th e
Dr. Z Grading Papers
Jan u ar y 2: D r . Z i sk i n d w al k s i n to H i st or y cl ass f i r st p er i od on th e f i r st d ay back f r om br eak . Sh e begi n s cl ass by h an d i n g back th e r esear ch p ap er s, w h i ch sh e gr ad ed over br eak . ?H ey, w h y i s m y r esear ch p ap er w et ?? ask s Ri vk ah W y n er . D r . Z i sk i n d th r ow s h er h an d s u p i n th e ai r . ?W el l m ay be i f y ou h an d ed i t i n on ti m e, i t w ou l d be d r y !?
How to Get an A in History Without Doing the Readings
One can use simple mathematics to predict a reading quiz. test, realizing that you have never seen these terms in your life, and frantically paging through your textbook/ photocopy until you end up having done all of the readings in one night.
GAMES ANSWERS:
easy, but getting away with it? Not so easy. When asked if she could tell if students hadn?t completed their homework, Dr. Minna Ziskind, a history teacher at Barrack, responded, ?It usually comes out eventually, either in the reading quiz or in the discussion.? Reading quizzes are a special kind of torment because students can never know if they are coming until it?s too late. Sometimes when you don?t do the reading there is no quiz, but you can?t be lucky forever, and inevitably, at some point, you will get caught out, and you will lose those five points and your teacher?s trust forever. But never fear, because there is a simple method for determining if a quiz is in your future. Rather than turning to a Magic 8 Ball or Ouija board, one can use simple mathematics to predict a reading quiz. There is a formula: Calculate the number of days since your last essay\ assignment\ test - the number of classes your teacher has + the
number of times your teacher has shown a video in the last two weeks - the number of cups of coffee you have seen your teacher drink in the last two days. Then multiply that figure by nine and you have the percentage probability of a reading quiz. But remember -- you can still get caught out in the discussion if you?re not careful. Dr. Ziskind described ?that awkward moment when someone asks a question that was in the homework or was literally one of the questions on the homework.? I recommend absolute caution here -never ask questions, never raise your hand, avoid eye contact, and if the teacher asks you a question, just start describing the plot of the latest episode of the show that you were watching last night instead of doing your history reading. All of this culminates, of course, in looking at your friend?s study guide the night before the
Hangman: "I"
History class is notorious for its workload. The almost nightly, always boring readings are tiresome and it isn?t uncommon for someone to spend over half-an-hour reading four pages, which is frankly ridiculous. The simplest solution for Barrack students is to simply not do the reading and save themselves time and energy. Not doing the reading is
Word Search: What did you expect?!
UTEP.edu
Becca "MIchelleObamaCanStillWin" Miller
Purim 2020
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PRIMARYRANKINGS
Gonna Tel l My Kids This is a Disaster
StalinRudoler
Serena "MarALagoIsHome" Levingston
KimJong UnWyner Mussolini Rose Maya?BidenMyTime?Shavit Shirin?YangGang?Kaye Devora?WhereIsButtigieg?Solomon Becca?MichelleObamaCanStillWin?Miller Niva?ImWarrningYou?Cohen Kayla?BillionaireBerg?Bleier Rebs ?Kanye2020?Shaid Serena?MarALagoIsHome?Levingston
Every day for the past four years of high school at Barrack, I?ve fel t a sinking sensation in my gut, a kind of suspicion, whil e attending a certain cl ass. It?s not Math cl ass -- I know Mrs. Lindsay Siney woul d never l ie to me about cal cul us (it?s hard enough as it is). Nor do I worry in Jewish Studies -Rabbi Michael Yondorf is way too nice to deceive his students. This feel ing coul d onl y come from the History Department. Those teachers have way too much power in their hands, and right now, they?re abusing it with abandon. Confused? Take a seat and prepare yoursel f for the shock you?re about to experience once I expl ain. In each generation, historians have had to decide what to incl ude, and what to l eave out of their textbooks. For exampl e, the Russian Matzah Bal l Massacre of 1821 didn?t make it in, and neither did the Azerbaijanian Rodent Revol ution of 1340. Cal l it unfair, but that?s the real ity. Or at l east it was, up until fairl y recentl y at the Jack M. Barrack HebrewAcademy. You know those memes circul ating, the ones
Serena was SHOCKED to discover this is not the Queen of England, but actress Meghan Markle"
Aron?SandersIsNotOld?Shklar
that show a picture of someone with the caption: Lane?KlobucharredBurger?Barsh ?Gonna tel l my kids this was [someone entirel y different]?? Barrack?s History Department actual l y Panic! At The Disco. Imagine the betrayal I fel t when I made those up some time ago, and they?ve onl y just l earned that Abraham Lincol n was not a been l eaked this past fal l . The first one I came singer-songwriter after al l , but some so-so speechwriter. (?Gettysburg Address?? I?d rather hear ?High Hopes.?) Imagine the betrayal I fel t when I Whil e the history teachers coul d have l earned that AbrahamLincol n was not a singer-songwriter after al l , but some stopped there, they didn?t. Just l ast week, I l earned that whil e the Founding Fathers al so had weird hair, so-so speechwriter. (?Gettysburg Address?? I?d rather hear ?High Hopes.?) they were, in fact, not in a boy band cal l ed Sleeping With Sirens. I?mstil l not sure which group has worse across was a picture of Abraham Lincol n, and the hair, but that?s beside the point. The point is that caption read: ?Gonna tel l my kids this was Abraham right now, the History Department is getting away Lincol n.?Confused, I l ooked cl oser. To me, he l ooked with l ying to us. It?s time for us, the students, to just l ike the 16th president: strong jaw, top hat, red use what they?ve taught us about l iberty, revol ution, suit, and perfect eyel iner! However, after doing some and Chairman Mao to bring themto justice! Wel l , maybe Chairman Mao isn?t rel evant research, I l earned that this man apparentl y posing as our esteemed former president was, in fact, a man here, so never mind. He sang, ?GangnamStyl e,?right? I named Brendon Urie, the l ead singer of the band l oved that song. Wait, that was someone el se? Jeez. Crossword: Kayla "BillionaireBer g" Bleier
Wordsearch: Shir in "YangGang" Kaye
Across: 2. You have one on the side of your face 5. Opposite of r ight- side- up 7. seven? 8. What is a special food for passover ? 10. Pr actical jokes 11. Jason and the __ 14. A good number 16. Month Madness 17. 49/7 18. What holiday is this paper prepar ing for ? 19. Deadly sins 20. Build a birdhouse in your soul Down: 1. She does not always need a pr ince 3. Monkeys and snakes have this in common 4. Month Fools 6. Often word to hear the Megillah 9. Who was hanged in the Pur im stor y? 12. Why are you tr ying so hard on this crossword? 13. All things you can eat 14. Kids who stayed back from Muss 15. Healthy amount of sleep 19. Days of the week
Directions: Words may be found ver tically, hor izontally, diagonally, backwards, and squiggly. After finding the words, copy the underlined letter s into the spaces below and unscr amble to discover the secret message. Words: Crossword. Histor y. Puzzles. Baby. Swipe card. Pur im. Paint. Headshot. Teacher s. Clubs. Research. Secr ets. Music.
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The Faces On The Walls Becca "Michelle ObamaCanStillWin" Miller
BECCA MILLER
The student headshots lining the walls of Barrack Hebrew Academy are harmless. They?re blurry from being enlarged too much, and students might be embarrassed to have their faces blown up and hung in the hallway for all to see, but they don?t really affect anyone, right? Wrong.
HEADSHOTS AKA FUTURE OVERLORDS OF BARRACK
?I feel like they?re watching me,? says Rosie Ackerman ?23. And she?s not alone. Many students have reported that they sense the eyes of the headshots following them as they walk between their classes. ?It?s distracting,? says Claire Mansheim ?23, another student. The headshots generally incite increased paranoia eating away at the psyche of the
Mussolini Rose
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Barrack students. But to quote Joseph Heller?s Catch-22, ?Just because you?re paranoid doesn?t mean they?re not after you.? These students aren?t just overly stressed. They?re onto something. They sense things that nobody else senses. Some of them noticed that the photos seem to become more in focus as the year progresses but dismissed these observations as their imagination. Pro tip: It?s never just your imagination. As the year goes on, students as a whole get more and more
Many students have reported that they sense the eyes of the headshots following them as they walk between their classes. tired and lifeless, with brief rejuvenations at winter break and over weekends. Most attribute this ennui to lack of sleep due to busy schedules, a crushing workload, and mind-numbing lessons. But what they don?t know is that their drear is caused by more than just JS class. Something is draining the life out of the Barrack students. And if you?re smart, you know what it is: the headshots. As the Barrack students grow less lively, the faces on the wall become clearer and clearer. And one day, when we have all become nothing more than mindless robotic sheep just going through the motions, the faces will obtain the humanity that we have lost and there will be disembodied heads simply floating through the school. And we will be powerless to stop them. They will stage a coup d'etat and overthrow SA. They will become the new Heads of School; literally. And there is nothing we can do to stop them.
Shabbaton Shenanigans
What a weekend! This year, our school made a(n)____________ (adjective) choice to take the entire Middle School to a(n)_____________ (noun) for the weekend. The students were stoked! Friday morning, they all _____________ (verb) onto the bus, and passed the time with many activities. They played ______________ (noun), _______________ (verb) cards, and talked with their __________ (adjective) friends. After a few hours, they finally arrived at ______________ (noun). But as soon as they arrived, they _________ (verb) and got back onto the bus for a surprise. They were all going to see ____________ (movie title). When they arrived at the movie theatre, the students got _________________ (food), _______________ (drink), and went to their seats. All the students thought the movie was _______________ (adjective). As the students arrived back at the camp, they had _________________ (time) to get ready for Shabbat. Kabbalat Shabbat and Maariv were ________________ (adjective), and dinner was ________________ (adjective). After dinner, JLI planned some fun activities to celebrate _______________ (holiday). On Saturday morning, the students woke up ______________ (adjective) and went to morning services. After services, the students had the choice to _____________ (verb) ______________ (noun), play _________ (noun), or hang out with friends. There was a lot of time to just enjoy the natural environment. The best part of the Shabbaton was __________________________ (favorite part). Havdalah with the entire Middle School was _________________ (adjective), and the trip back to Barrack was anything but ______________ (adjective). Overall, the Shabbaton getaway was super fun, and I _________________________________________ (your opinion on the Shabbaton)!
Lane "KlobucharredBurger" Barsh Once the end of November rolls around, annual sleigh bells appear in force. Michael BublĂŠ comes out of hibernation and Mariah Carey reappears to remind us that she's still a soprano, a queen, and not dead yet. Christmas music echoes throughout the globe, casting a sudden, snowy chill on humanity. In the December 2019 publicationof TheJerusalemPost, scientists and rabbis alike revealed compelling research that shows that the average Christmas-celebrating citizen accumulates peak Christmas spirit onNovember 1st, exactly 55 daysbeforetheholiday itself. Soeven thoughpeoplehaveplenty of timetopreparethemselves, they still fall intothetraps of theseason, and whenI say people, I don?t just mean Christians. In reality, almost everybody celebrates, or at least finds themselves stuck in the whirlwind of the spirit of Christmas in one way or another, including Jews. Upon additional research, The Jewish Voice news source found that Jewish composers wrote the most popular and well known Christmas songs, including, ?It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,? by Edward Pola and George Wyle, ?Santa Baby,? by Joan Javits and Philip Springer,and ?Silver Bells,? by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans. And don?t forget the classics, ?White Christmas,?by Irving Berlin, and ?RudolphtheRed-Nosed Reindeer,?by Johnny Marks.
vibrant activity of decorating his Christmas tree prior to 2019, invited my friend tojoin. Not only did shewillingly accept theinvite with little hesitation, happily anticipating a new experience, but she thrived on the spirit and joy. Apparently, Christmas spirit even ropes in members of the Chosen People. My Jewish friend is living proof. She thoroughly enjoyed these holiday pleasantries, smiled and even snapped a selfie with her boyfriend in his agonizingly bright Santa hat. She even posted this picture for the wholeworld tosee, including her bubbe.
Christmasspirit evenropesin membersof theChosenPeople. Hanukkah, alone and disappointed. Rabbi Joshua recalls his younger years, sitting by the chanukiah while listening to the newly discovered Maccabeats, who only achieved mainstream attention once releasing their breakout Hanukkah hit, ?Candlelight,? in 2010. Apparently the Maccabeats are old news now, and I haveyet tomeet someonewhobelieves that listening to Hanukkah music is as much of a personality trait as listening to Christmas music. In a recent interview with a dear old camp friend and fellow Jew, she informed me that she is currently pursuing an inter-cultural relationship with her cross-wearing, church-loving boyfriend. He, being a Christian man who participated in the
Sarah Rogers/TheDaily Beast
IsChristmastheBest JewishHoliday?
It?s crazy, really; these songs just corrupt you, but with...pizzazz? In a recent Chronicle interview with a random Baltimore native named Rabbi Joshua, he revealed that he ?can never get the tunes out of [his] head?. The global enjoyment of Christmas music is a number one problem facing modern Jews today. Even when Christmas is over it doesn?t end. Christmas time overlaps with midterms, vacation, and most importantly, Hanukkah. Christmas often tends to outshine its older sibling Hanukkah, shifting the focus strictly to Christmas. Poor
BUBBE'SHEARTATTACK
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JBHA Is An Unsafe Zone In the past few months, students may have noticed a number of new posters on doors, walls, and teachers?of fices, all saying the same thing: LGBTQ Safe Zone. While those posters may exist, Barrack is nowhere near being a safe zone, but I?m not talking about LGBTQ folks. I?d like to
Maybe you?ve used this bathroom before; maybe you?ve been avoiding it because you?ve heard about its gross issues; or maybe you?re j ust a boy. raise awareness for another, much more significant problem af flicting this school. ?What is she talking about?? you may be asking yourself. I?m talking about...Barrack?s bathrooms. What you?re about to read is an extremely personal, first- hand narrative about my experience in Barrack?s bathrooms; so sit back, relax, and prepare to be shocked. The first bathroom on the list is the ground- floor girls?bathroom. Maybe you?ve used this bathroom before; maybe you?ve been avoiding it because you?ve heard about its gross issues; or maybe you?re j ust a boy. Either way, I?m here to speak up about my traumatizing experiences. At the beginning of the year, one of the stalls? doors didn?t lock. Either the hinges were loose, or the framework itself was crooked - I?m not sure. Whatever it was, it made everyone feel uncomfortable. Thankfully, within a few months, it was fixed. However, not two months had
Serena "MarALagoIsHome" Levingston
passed before the other stall door stopped locking. Think, for a minute, about the purpose of bathrooms. They?re the only place of privacy in a school where everyone knows everything about everyone else. Imagine having that privacy and sense of security taken away, and then you?ll begin to understand why Barrack is truly an unsafe zone.
STUDENTS PROTEST DISGUSTING BATHROOMS
While this may seem like a complete story, my experiences in the ground- floor bathroom barely scratch the surface of Barrack?s unsafe bathrooms. Using the third- floor girls?bathroom is always a gamble. Here?s some Barrack trivia for you: Room309 shares a wall with that bathroom, and since Barrack?s walls are notoriously thin, often, the sounds of a lively Jewish Studies class
are audible through that wall. I?ve accidentally overheard many JS classes, and it?s incredibly unsettling. Not only that, but both sink options are terrible. For some reason, the left sink only produces burning- hot water, and every time I go to wash my hands, I forget. It?s not like the other sink is much better - - the water pressure is too high, so it sprays all over my arms. Another problem with the third- floor bathroom has to do with Barrack?s relatively new obsession with TikTok, an app where people create short videos to share with the world. Of course, Barrack has its fair share of TikTokers, as they?re known, and what better place to film them than the third- floor bathroom? After all, it has a large mirror, to see and correct your dance moves. There have been multiple occasions when girls making TikToks block the sinks, and I have to say ?Excuse me? a few times to be heard. The worst part is, the girls always move so that the only sink available is the one that only produces boiling water, so I?m left with hands that feel like they?ve been sunburned indoors. In the end, I don?t expect much to come of my testimony. Barrack?s bathrooms have been atrocious for as long as I can remember. All I ask is that you sympathize, and advocate for better bathrooms. As hardworking students, we should rise up because it is our right to have functioning bathrooms. I think Rabbi Hillel said it best in his famous line, ?If not now, when??
WelcometotheSTEAMJungle Kayla"BillionaireBerg" Bleier
kidnapsacollegestudent everysummer, and while feeding himor her a concoction of Deepintherecessesof theSTEAM sawdust and sink water he convinces the lablivestheoneandonlyMr. Arthur Maiman. student toliveamidthedrill bitsandwood Heistheleader of themysteriousindigenous scrapsforever. tribeof thesecondfloor of theJackBarrack Hebrew Academy: the STEAM Department. Tribemembers areknownfor their ferocity, their abilitytoblendin, andtheweirdsmells comingfromtheir hazardouslodging.Not one of themever leaves the warren of rooms nestledbetweenthefloorsof thehighschool Left to Right: Danielle Wilson, Arthur Maiman building. Together, withMr. Maimanastheir Mr.AlexDiehm,seizedthissummer, tribeleader, theymakealifeamidthejungle is the resident child. Too young to know of wires and dangerous pointy things. better,helivesandworksdiligentlyinthelab, Although no one comes out, too many desperatelytryingdayafter daytoblendinto students makethemistakeof entering the the throngs of middle school animals STEAMlab.Theseunfortunatesoulsarenever stampedingthroughthejungle. heard fromagain, save for their cries of Mrs. CarlyClouser, thequieter and anguish. newest member, appears to have survived Every year the number of thusfar withher sanitystill intact. Shehas inhabitants in the lab grows. Mr. Maiman managed to secure a safe space in the
mayhem.Perhapsher skillswill leadthetribe to further innovations and less primitive methodsof living. Ms. Danielle Wilson, a long-time resident of theSTEAMlabtribe, isonlynow learningtoget awayfromtheinsanityof the laser cutter and3-Dprinters. Slowly sheis escaping, barely workinginthelaball day. She is no longer recognized as a STEAMteacher, but aphysics teacher! The computerscienceteacher!Ahumanbeing! Despite the crazed nature of the department,theteachersall liveandlovelike afamily.Escapeistheonlywaytostaysane, but escapeisnot soeasy. Thetribe, oneof many department tribes existing within the wallsof thisveryschool, huntsandgathers together. The members teach together, and theyalsoeat badstudentsalivetogether. As a researcher of many unusual human species,theSTEAMDepartment tribeisoneof
the most fascinating. And to think it has existedsecretlyunder thisroof for years! As always,staysurprised, staysafe,andstayon the lookout for stray jungle people.
What Am I? By Maya "BidenMyTime" Shavit
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Declassif ied: Bells? Disappear an ce I n v est igat ed Sh ir in " Yan gGan g" K ay e desk dr aw er s an d ex am in ed h er in t er com . A f ew m in ut es lat er , t h e sam e w om an w as capt ur ed in t h e secon d f loor of f ice h allw ay en t er in g t h e t ech n ology of f ice, st agger in g t o f or ce t h e lock open w h ile w ear in g a lon g sk ir t to w h ich sh e w as clear ly un accust om ed. Th e f our t h suspicious clip sh ow ed a r ain coat ed f igur e ex it in g t h r ough a side door in t h e Din in g Com m on s, car r y in g a h eav y , f abr ic bag st uf f ed w it h f lat , black it em s w h ose cor n er s st uck out ,
THEWALL STREETJOURNAL
?Classes sh ould st ar t an d en d w h en t h e t each er say s an d n ot w h en a bell r in gs.? Dr . Dar in K at z, Dir ect or of t h e Upper Sch ool, ex plain ed t h is as t h e sch ool?s r eason f or doin g aw ay w it h t h e bells t h at used t o gr ace t h e sch ool w it h t h eir r in gin g at t h e st ar t an d en d of each per iod. Th ough t h is r eason is w idely k n ow n by n ow , t h e Ch r on icle dug deeper in t o t h is subject by in t er v iew in g it s sour ces (who pr ef er to r em ain an on y m ous) an d h as t h e in side scoop t o sh ar e w it h it s dev ot ed r eader s. Ov er m an y day s in t h e sum m er , sch ool st af f occupied t h e sch ool buildin gs w or k in g busily on cur r icula, policy dev elopm en t s, an d f acilit y r em odelin gs. Near t h e en d of A ugust , as adm in ist r at or s t est ed elect r icit y , plum bin g, an d t h e PA sy st em in pr epar at ion f or t h e n ear in g sch ool y ear , t h ey discov er ed a sh ock in g, gr iev ous disappear an ce; t h e car ef ully -coor din at ed bells sof t w ar e h ad been w iped f r om t h e com put er s an d t h e on ce-sy n ch r on ized clock s ar oun d t h e sch ool each dif f er ed by 1 7 m in ut es an d 4 2 secon ds! How did t h is h appen , w e all ask ? Th e secur it y t eam com bed t h r ough v ideo sur v eillan ce r ecor ds an d in t er v iew ed people on t h e scen e f or an sw er s. Th ey discov er ed a v ideo f r om a m or n in g in m id-A ugust of t w o people en t er in g t h e m ain buildin g t h r ough t h e f r on t door ; on e open ed it w it h h is/ h er sw ipe car d an d h eld it f or t h e per son beh in d; bot h adult s w or e lon g, h ooded r ain coat s. A n ot h er sh ot capt ur ed t h e blur r ed back of a per son w it h a sh or t -h air ed w ig w h ich w as f allin g of f h er h ead w h ile sh e r um m aged h ur r iedly in r ecept ion ist M r s. M ar len e Un der w ood?s
Barrack's Bells w h ile st af f m em ber s en joy ed lun ch bet w een m eet in gs. ?I f oun d it st r an ge t o see M r s. Pr an sk y n ear t h e f r on t desk on m y w ay t o t h e bat h r oom r igh t af t er h av in g lef t a m eet in g w it h h er in t h e Beit M idr ash ,? on e t each er r ecalled, ?but I sh r ugged it of f . I w as at a din n er par t y t h e pr ev ious n igh t , so I f igur ed I w as seein g t h in gs in m y ex h aust ion .? M r . Pat r ick Nay lis, M an ager of I n f or m at ion Tech n ology , descr ibed t h e scen e w h en h e en t er ed h is of f ice lat er t h at w eek : ?Th e lock on t h e door w as dam aged, t h e ser v er h ad been dism an t led, an d t w o com put er h ar d dr iv es w er e m issin g. Th e
SWIPED Maya "BidenMyTime" Shavit
COOKIES STOCK ILLUSTRATIONS
As my canar y-colored ride pulled into the Bar rack lot, it dawned on me: I was swipecardless. I felt naked and afraid without my line of defense. How could I possibly sneak past the faculty that guarded the entrance to my studies? I was well aware that a place on the list of shame is beyond embar rassing and scars a student's record. I already had two marks, so what would happen if a faculty member found me, already a common criminal, swipecardless. Ideal students can kiss Har vard goodbye when they are caught without their golden ticket by Br yn Mawr's elite facility. With a deep breath and a creeping sense of shame aching in my stomach, I charged through the line of Main Line-Mom Teslas, caught the heavy glass door, and made my way into the building. I took my place beside the lobby's grand piano, zipped my fleece up to my neck, and prayed that my check-in teacher was feeling forgetful today. I approached the teacher-guard and braced myself for the worst. "Swipe Card?" he routinely questioned me. ?I forgot mine at home, sir...I'm so sor r y!" I responded on the verge of tears. "Code Magenta, we have a stowaway!" he bellowed, and within minutes, the Bar rack hall revved into action.
of f ice w as in a st at e of disar r ay , as if som eon e sear ch ed f or som et h in g, f oun d it , t h en r ush ed out w it h out a car e f or t h e m ess.? Th e secur it y t eam det er m in ed t h at t h e cr im in al disguised lik e f or m er Cor e t each er M r s. J udy Pr an sk y , in t r uded w it h in t h e sch ool buildin g, an d st ole t h e dev ices in w h ich t h e clock an d bell sy st em s w er e st or ed, ar ousin g m in im um suspicion at t h e t im e. Obv iously , t h e t each er s w er e h or r if ied. Th e STEA M Depar t m en t w as assign ed t h e t ask of r ein v en t in g t h e st olen sof t w ar e w it h in on e w eek . Th ey m an aged t o w r it e a code t o r et ur n all t h e clock s t o t h e sam e t im e, but f ailed t o r ecr eat e t h e bell sy st em . By t h e w eek of or ien t at ion , t h e sch ool h ad a pr oblem . Th e adm in ist r at ion cam e up w it h a clev er , som ew h at -logical r eason as t o w h y t h e bells h ad been ?t ak en aw ay ? ( so as n ot t o scar e t h e st uden t s w it h a st or y of sch ool in f ilt r at ion ) . A n d t h e r ecen t sh oot in gs in t h e n ew s pr ov ided a legit im at e r eason f or t h e m or e st r in gen t cr ack dow n on sw ipe car d com plian ce. How ev er , t h e r eal r eason f or t h e in cr eased secur it y m easur es at sch ool w as t o pr ev en t a dif f er en t t y pe of cr im e f r om bein g r epeat ed, m uch closer t o h om e. Wh en st uden t s w er e w elcom ed back t o sch ool in Sept em ber , lif e con t in ued as usual -- ex cept t h at ev er y on e ex per ien ced h ear t ach e, m issin g t h e 2 3 bells t h at h ad con t r olled each day . Th e Bar r ack com m un it y sin cer ely h opes t h at , w h en t h e cr im in als ar e br ough t t o just ice, our belov ed bells w ill be w elcom ed back w it h open h ear t s an d w ait in g ear s.
I tur ned to tr y and blend in with a flock of incoming ninth-graders, but it was too late. Someone yanked my Adidas backpack, and I was cuffed to a looming Derech Eretz Pledge Flag in seconds. I waited, defenseless, and was bar red by a flock of attendants until a new adult ar rived on the scene. I had seen this figure before. He was a tall man, decked out in the latest technology and a Cougars XXL athletic crewneck. I had seen him around school over the past few days but had assumed he was a new IT guy, or better yet, another one of the young STEAM teachers that could pass as a gangly freshman. He grabbed my cuffed wrists and charged me up to the Middle School. "Where are you taking me?" I challenged my keeper. "The fifth floor," he smirked. I, like other naive students, was blissfully unaware of the fifth floor. My captor led me up an endless number of stairs. Finally, we reached a password-protected brass door covered in ivy and "Wor th the schlep" bumper stickers. He punched in a complex code and scanned his retina until I heard the soft sound of the door dislodging. He dragged me into a dark room, which first seemed like any of the quar ters on the four th floor, but dimly lit and removed from society. However, I shor tly deciphered that this room was unlike any other place. My eyes scanned the walls, and I was suddenly bombarded with the motivational bathroom stickers that told me I was str uggling and failing. I genuinely felt like the labels had gotten to me. Psychological war fare: that was the administration's game. I didn't know what would ensue. I was cold, broken, and defeated. All of this, simply because I forgot to bring my cursed swipe card.