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I bought my first banana suit when I was 19 and deeply depressed. It seemed the only way to combat the blueness of my soul was to pair it with the lovely yellow of a banana suit. When life became overwhelming for me, I would don the suit and suddenly my only worry was to avoid blenders. Whimsy and potassium saved me.
As an adult in their 30s, I take my play time very seriously. I spin plates, I (attempt to) hula hoop, juggle, sing both parts of Under Pressure, make liking polka dots a huge part of my personality, etc. It’s how I keep myself sane, while looking like I’m off my rocker. It’s how I hold onto the hope that is necessary with any community work.
ASS-TROLOGY FOR THE COMMON CRYPTID
By Alejandra
Aries - Skunk Ape: As you seek the warm embrace of loved ones, don’t forget to apply deodorant first.
Taurus - Yeti: There’s nothing abominable about your recent life choices.
Here is my formal invitation to play, to indulge in whimsy whole heartedly.
Whimsical suggestions for the jaded adult:
Blow bubbles.
Hold hands with a friend and skip through a flower field.
Punch a cop.
Paint your face like a tiger.
Ride a ferris wheel.
Steal from a corporation.
Make fart sounds.
Learn a skill that can’t be monetized. Throw flower seeds over empty lots.
Try to spin as fast as your ceiling fan.
Read aloud a play in a silly accent.
Get a banana suit.
Read and share The Inqueerier.
Gemini - Fresno Nightcrawler: Put on your best pair of low rise jeans and hit the town. You’re in dire need of some fun. Try a bar crawl.
Cancer - Squonk: It’s what’s on the inside that matters! (Your organs are worth a fortune. Remember that as you pinch your pennies this month).
Continued on page 3. Page 1 issue 4; October 1, 2025
By Buffy
Have you or a loved one been caught in the rat cycle? You may be entitled to emotional compensation.
Rats are intelligent, emotional, and social creatures with short life spans. Where there is one rat there is the lore of collecting more than one. We know what girl math is, let me introduce you
to rat math. 1 rat is no good, so we start with 2. To prepare for the passing of 1 we get 2 more. When 1 passes we have 3. This number can grow in any direction but no less than 2. Every 18 months we predict the passing of 1 which brings us closer to cycling down to 1. Often when you own multiple rats you will adopt 1 to end another person’s cycle. Eventually, you may do the same.
There is a saying - A well-balanced person has a rat on each shoulder. Rae’s rat cycle started when they were 7 with one pause; it went on for 16 years. These are their rats passed.
Indiana could jump up to 2 feet.
Jones was an albino rat.
Indiana and Jones were bought from a pet store; their cage was purchased with birthday money. Since this was Rae’s first pet responsibility role, a pet care contract outlining child duties was drafted.
After many years long intermission came Harry. Originally destined for snake food, he became the litterbox trainer for future rats. Despite being the tiniest rat of 9 he lived the longest, a possibly record-breaking 3 years from 2016-2019.
Then came Penny, Harry’s girlfriend and dominatrix.
Dip, like Harry, was potential snake food and a secret favorite for being a smartypants. She was fat and hardy in her old age.
Sugar was adopted from a friend. Her cage mate had passed and she was alone. She joined Rae’s rat community right before two others were adopted via a to-go box from a stranger.
Sugar, Spice, and another not as nice Vanya, “the biter”.
Arwin was the last of the bunch; he lived a short but sweet life in rat paradise.
Throughout this rat collection Rae had up to 4 rats living at one time. Their rat cycle ended when Arwin their last rat died from a sudden eye related infection. Page 2
INTERVIEW WITH THE DEAD (PENNY)
By Nik
In what may be the most tame move from this administration thus far, the US Mint will cease producing pennies once their current blanks run out. Last week, I sat down with the penny to ask the hard hitting questions:
As the gayest coin, tell me about your favorite bi-cons.
“I don’t believe in bi people. It’s heads or tails only, baby. People say Abe Lincoln was bi but I’m pretty sure he was three otters in a trenchcoat. That said, I love Fletcher.”
Any last words?
“With my disappearance, your luck too shall run out. Have fun trying to find face up pennies now, assholes.”
You’ve recently been declared dead. How do you feel about that?
“It’s so lame. They say they are going to save money by printing less? That doesn’t make cents, and did you know that nickels cost 13 cents to produce?? Y’all will have to print more nickels when I’m truly gone, and you’ll “save” no money at all. Didn’t think that one through, did you? Plus, have you ever sat down and TALKED to a nickel? The last person who did was Rip Van Nickel and he got so bored, he fell asleep for 20 years.”
THE VOID YELLS BACK
At times, we may experience moments of deep emotion that require yelling. But where to yell? Yell here: into The Void. And The Void yells back advice!
Question: Dear Void, how do you feel about the fact that I refrigerate my bananas?
Answer: Dear Banana Loving Friend, ask not what I, an endless void, feel about the fact that you refrigerate your bananas. But ask the bananas, themselves. The high potassium makes them great conversationalists.
Question: Dear Void, what should I be for Halloween?
Answer: Dear Costume Questioner, you should dress up as a unrefrigerated banana.
I have mixed feelings regarding the death of the penny: sadness in losing a coin, the only currency with any possible value; distaste that the penny seems weirdly biphobic (perhaps unsurprising for something that’s been around since 1793); and excitement for the day that all money goes the way of the penny. It’s all fake!! Print more until we all have enough or let’s rid ourselves of it entirely! This Halloween, remember what the guy on the dime said: the only thing we have to fear is capitalism itself.
ASS-TROLOGY continued
Leo - Bigfoot: Smile! You’re on camera. Time to kick those risky habits goodbye before you get caught.
Virgo - Jackalope: Calm down, you little cutie patootie. It’s okay to embrace the softer side of things this month.
Libra - Mothman: You’ve got your head in the clouds. Time to land on the ground for some introspection.
Scorpio - Loch Ness Monster: Before you stick your neck out for someone, make sure they’d return the favor.
Sagittarius - Mongolian Death Worm: Early bird gets the worm. It’s okay to sleep in every once in a while.
Capricorn - Chupacabra: It is okay to suck :)
Continued on page 4.
