(Ebook) Cambridge IGCSE and O Level History Workbook 2C - Depth Study: the United States, 1919-41 2nd Edition by Benjamin Harrison ISBN 9781398375147, 9781398375048, 1398375144, 1398375047
(Ebook) The Science of Effective Communication: Improve your social skills and smal talk. Develop charisma and learn how to talk to anyone by Ian Tuhovsky
—How to be scientifically funnier and more likable
—How to be wittier and quicker instantly
—Making a great impression with anyone
Table of Contents
CHAPTER 1. HOW TO NEVER HAVE A BAD INTERACTION
MIRROR ME
UTILIZE THE RULE OF THREE
THE “ARE” METHOD FOR AVOIDING SMALL TALK
AVOID LONG RESPONSES WITH THE 1-MINUTE TRAFFIC LIGHT RULE
CHAPTER 2. CONNECTING BENEATH THE SURFACE
EGO SUSPENSION AND SOCIAL CONNECTION
UNDERSTAND THE THREE LEVELS OF RAPPORT
CONSTRUCT CONNECTION STORIES
BE CHARISMATIC: HANG A LABEL ON IT
DON’T “BE” BORING
CHAPTER 3. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY…
TONALITY AND DELIVERY MATTER
OPEN LOOPS AND HOW TO USE THEM
METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING…
TWO MAGIC WORDS FOR UNENDING CONVERSATIONS
CHAPTER 4. …AND WHAT YOU DON’T SAY
THE POWER OF SHUTTING UP
APPLY THE PARETO PRINCIPLE
MICROEXPRESSIONS ARE WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
BE QUICK, BE RESPONSIVE
NAVIGATING CONFLICT LANDMINES
CHAPTER 5. BOOST YOUR CQ (CONVERSATIONAL INTELLIGENCE)
EMPATHY AND BLIND SPOTS
GO DEEP OFTEN AND EARLY
PREDICTING WITH COLD READS
THE GREAT ESCAPE
CHAPTER 6. OVERARCHING THEMES
ACTIVE LISTENING
DIVULGING
SHARING MORE
NO JUDGING
THE SEARCH FOR SIMILARITY
SUMMARY GUIDE
Chapter 1. How to Never Have a Bad Interaction
Everyone wants to be more charismatic. Everyone wants others to think they’re charming and likeable. But have you ever stopped to think about what these words actually mean? What makes one person totally magnetic and attractive while another person bores or irritates us? By the end of this book, you may find yourself with some very different answers to these questions than you started…
In the chapters that follow, we’ll look at the key principles behind better conversations, intelligent empathy and social awareness, so you can start to have more engaging and more connected interactions with anyone – whether that’s professionally, romantically or with friends. We’ll see that the biggest roadblock to being a fascinating and likeable person is, in fact, a misunderstanding of what “charm” actually is. Even if you don’t feel like you’re currently a great conversationalist, and even if you loathe small talk and consider yourself an introvert, rest assured that it is possible to become more charismatic, and anyone can do it!
Let’s dive in.
Mirror me
Have you ever noticed how a mother and her newborn baby “communicate”? They stare intently at each other, and whatever expression or noise the baby makes, the mother mimics it – amplifies it, even – and the baby watches, enraptured. What you are watching is a
primal and ancient form of communication that we all develop as babies, and which our species developed in its earliest history.
Many people tend to think of conversation as a verbal thing – but deep, true social connection actually starts way before a word has been spoken. Mirroring is a big part of this. The idea is that humans, being social animals, evolved certain abilities to monitor one another and adjust themselves accordingly in social situations. This helps us feel heard, seen, understood, and more firmly part of the group.
We mirror whenever we match another person’s verbal or nonverbal communication. This could be mimicking their posture or body language, using the same words, inflection or volume of speech that they use, or adopting similar facial expressions to align with theirs.
Most of us do this so automatically that we don’t have to be told why we’re doing it. But what we are usually trying to communicate is the simple message: I see you. I understand. We’re on the same page.
Rather than mirroring being an optional trick, it’s really the foundation of all good communication and empathy. Consider what it feels like when people don’t mirror. For example, you’re feeling upset and vulnerable. Meanwhile, the person you’re talking to is responding flippantly, their voice louder than yours, their tone more relaxed, and their body language more energetic and restless. You probably wouldn’t feel like they were listening, right?
Or imagine you’re excitedly sharing some happy news, and the other person doesn’t reflect that excitement in their facial expression, voice, or words. Sure, you know that they don’t feel the same excitement as you do, but you’d register their unwillingness to mirror as a definite lack of courtesy.
Mirroring quickly communicates trust, connection, respect, and understanding. You could communicate without it, but having it in place makes things much easier! In fact, there’s scientific evidence for this: in a 2008 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 62 students were given a negotiating task. The students that used mirroring reached a settlement 67% of the time, but those who didn’t mirror reached a settlement only 12.5% of the time.
A similar 2007 paper by Curhan et al. in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that mirroring generally predicted better outcomes for
negotiations – and that these effects were already evident within the first 5 minutes of conversation. It’s easy to understand why: what could benefit a negotiation more than the strongly communicated feeling of similarity and empathy between the two parties?
Using mirroring techniques is more a question of enhancing what you might already be doing naturally – and it has to be natural! Take a look at some examples:
A customer is phoning in with a complaint. You personally feel the issue is pretty trivial, but they’re clearly upset. You decide to speak as they do: you drop your pitch, talk seriously and a little more formally, and literally cut and paste some of their phrases to repeat back to them. They’re speaking slowly, so you speak more slowly too. Instead of saying, “yes, I get where you’re coming from” you show them by re lecting what they’re communicating. This is an example of verbal mirroring.
You’re on a date with someone you like, and you want them to know you do! So, when you’re out walking, you notice they occasionally brush their hand against your shoulder or arm. A few minutes later, you do the same to them. The nonverbal message is crystal clear! They lean in over the table during a conversation, and you do the same. They smile and laugh, and so do you. Unconsciously you are both becoming increasingly aware of a kind of physical synchronicity, “dynamic coupling,” and alignment. This nonverbal mirroring is a precursor to, shall we say, more obvious psychical synchronicity later on…
You’re at your therapist’s of ice and relating some uncomfortable feelings. The therapist doesn’t exactly match your words or adopt your physical posture, but he does say, “I can see how dif icult you’re inding this,” and adjusts his own demeanor to make space for that. If he had been grinning ear to ear or looking bored, you’d probably have felt unseen and a little disrespected. Emotional mirroring is what it sounds like: holding up a metaphorical mirror to someone’s emotional state, as if to say, “I can see how you
feel.” Sometimes, all this requires is that we listen actively, without interrupting, then paraphrase what we’ve just heard, while not adding our own interpretation or reaction. If done right, mirroring will make the people you’re talking to feel truly seen and acknowledged in a way that they might not be able to consciously recognize, but which will still have them feeling warm and receptive to you. Too many people make the mistake of thinking that being a good conversationalist is about saying intelligent or funny things, or being a fascinating person. Though this helps, what really makes people feel connected to you is synchronicity – are you on their wavelength? Do you get them? This is an emotional connection rather than a verbal or intellectual one.
That said, mirroring can be done wrong! Avoid overdoing it or making things awkward by being too obvious. You need to be as natural as possible – if people are aware that you’re “copying” them, the results could be disastrous. Never mirror someone when you’re genuinely not engaged – it will come across as manipulative (ever felt this off a pushy salesperson?). Also, it may pay to deliberately avoid matching speech or body language during a conflict. You obviously don’t want to mimic someone who rolls their eyes, raises their voice, swears or scowls! Instead, do what you can to acknowledge what they feel without allowing yourself to get angry, upset or rude.
Consider also that mirroring is best done one-on-one. In groups, a better tactic is to take a read on the general emotional vibe and try to pitch your verbal and nonverbal expression to fit that. For example, if everyone is fairly low-energy and casual, don’t get fired up and talk too loudly. Whatever you do, don’t overthink it and allow yourself to get distracted from the living, breathing conversation as it unfolds. If you stay aware in the present, you might notice, for example, that someone is mirroring you – or that they are not responding well to you mirroring them.
Whether you go for verbal, nonverbal or emotional mirroring (or all three!), start small and go slow. Build the connection gradually and sincerely. A little can go a long way, so watch the effect you’re having first and adjust accordingly. For example, you might notice that when
you mirror someone’s posture, they immediately switch to a different one. In this case, dial things way back!
One thing to remember when it comes to mirroring (and conversation in general) is that, according to Mr. Hoffeld, author of The Science of Selling, “It’s not something you do to someone. It’s something you do with someone. The very process of mirroring will help you keep your focus where it should be – on the other person.”
Utilize the rule of three
William James, widely considered one of the founding fathers of psychology, claimed that “The deepest craving in every human being is the desire to be appreciated.” Conversations usually go wrong for one reason: we are too busy in our own worlds to notice or appreciate others!
Management coach Karl Albrecht has a simple formula that will help you break this tendency and have more authentic conversations with others. According to him, all conversations consist of three parts: Declaratives (facts or opinions being stated as facts)
Questions
Quali iers or "softeners"
The rule of three states that we should never say three declaratives in a row without breaking them up with a question or qualifier. Again, this allows us to talk with people and not at them or to them. We always need to be aware that most conversations are not purely verbal. People will hear your words, but they’ll also respond to how well they feel you respect and appreciate them. You can say all the right things, but the conversation will be a flop if it doesn’t feel right!
Let’s take a closer look. Declarations are statements of fact. More realistically, they’re also when people act as though something is a fact. Have you ever noticed that some people always feel like they’re lecturing you, or standing on a soap box? This is what happens if your entire conversational repertoire is pure declaration. “The trouble with Britain is that it never had a proper Revolution like in France” or “you’d be an idiot to eat gluten these days” are opinions presented with more
certainty than they should be. Do this, and you may bore, irritate, disrespect or alienate your audience – who are not really an “audience” at all!
That said, you don’t have to drop all your opinions, passion and perspective – just keep it balanced. One way to do this is by injecting some thoughtful questions. This is a powerful way to share the limelight, demonstrate interest in the other person, and communicate respect and openness. It signals that a conversation is not just an opportunity for you to say your piece – it’s a collaborative social exercise.
“I’m a bit of a Francophile, I’m afraid – I’m curious, did you live in France for long?”
Suppose you catch yourself about to make a declaration for the third or fourth time in a row, pause and see if you can convert it into a question. Instead of saying, for example, “the presidential debate was a shambles,” instead ask, “what did you make of the debate?”
Another way is to insert a few conditionals or softeners. This is like expressing an opinion or making a declaration without beating people over the head with it! Good conversationalists understand this intuitively, but most of us have to learn to do it. It’s more than good manners – it’s a way of saying that although you have your opinion, you acknowledge that others have theirs. For example:
“I know I don’t speak for everyone, but I think that show is a little overrated.”
“From my perspective, I can’t imagine a better place to live!”
“Don’t quote me on this, but I believe that actually happened in 1912.”
Using statements like, “it seems to me” or “I might be wrong, but…” conveys certain respect and accommodation of other people – even and especially if you disagree. What this does is send a signal that you primarily value the other person’s feelings and your connection to them above your own need to speechify or be viewed in a certain way.
The great thing about this rule of three is how easy it is to use. At first, simply see what happens when you become aware of the relative proportion of these three ingredients in your everyday conversations. Notice how others speak. Notice how you speak. Look at conversations you really enjoyed and note what proportion was declarative.
It’s tempting to go off and expound on your opinion, especially if you really are an expert or you’re passionate about something. But just
remind yourself that this is not what the function of a conversation is. You will come across as far more empathetic, charming and likeable if you give equal psychological space to the other person’s perspective. Even if you don’t believe it at first, trust that using this rule actually makes conversations more rewarding for you, too! When you use a qualifier or ask a question, others will instantly feel more seen and appreciated, and it’s this that will make you appear more charismatic and appealing. Often people attempt to be more charming and only end up hogging the conversation as they try to come across a particular way – but this just backfires. People like people who make them feel good. It’s as simple as that!
Similarly, remember that a good conversation is never purely a factfinding mission or a competition to see who is smartest. It’s about connection. The next time you’re in a conversation that feels like it’s going nowhere, revive it by asking a question – you may find that some of your best and most interesting talks are those where you barely make any declarations at all.
The “ARE” method for avoiding small talk
Are you one of those people that “hates small talk”? Perhaps it’s not that you genuinely hate small talk; it’s just that you don’t know how to make it work. Yes, striking up a conversation with a stranger can be pretty awkward and even exhausting, but the truth is that it needn’t be this difficult. The ARE method can take a lot of the hard work out of small talk and get you into the interesting stuff – i.e. the big talk! (Later in the book, we’ll see how small talk isn’t even always necessary…)
The ARE method is the creation of Dr. Carol Fleming, and is a simple acronym that helps you remember three easy steps:
A = Anchor
You start with something that links you to the other person. No matter how much of a stranger they are, look for a shared experience or connection with them. It doesn’t have to be deep, and it really doesn’t have to be clever or entertaining. Thinking you need a smart “pick up
line” or equivalent will just make you nervous and come across as unnatural.
An obvious example: you’re at a wedding and say to someone, “wow, that dessert was amazing, right?” Or you’re on a long haul flight and say, “Let’s hope we have some nice weather to look forward to when we land!”
R = Reveal
You’ve broken the ice, and now you need to move things along by revealing something about yourself that relates to the anchor. To keep with our two examples, you could say, “I’ve always had a thing for good tiramisu – I can thank my Italian grandmother for that!” or “I’m not originally from around here, so I guess I’m still not used to the cold weather…”
E = Encourage
The final step is to get the other person to reveal, in turn, a little about themselves. You could say, “What about you? What dessert is your favorite?” or “So, are you leaving home or heading back home?”
And that’s it. What tends to happen from that point is that the other person has a sufficient enough opening to share something that will then get the ball rolling. The ARE trick is not something to follow by the letter, though – you might choose to open with an anchor, pause, wait for a response, go for the reveal, pause, and then encourage, rather than delivering a little speech all at once (which can sound like a cheesy movie script!).
So, that’s it for the structure, but you still may be a little stumped when it comes to what to talk about. Luckily, there’s a helpful acronym for that too! This acronym is FORM:
F = Family
This is a perennially safe and easy topic. Do they have siblings, and how many? Kids? People can talk for eons about their children.
O = Occupation
Now, you don’t want to ask the most boring question in the history of everything (“so… what do you do?”), but you can get far by asking more detailed questions such as “What do you like most about your work?” or “How interesting! Did you always want to be a dog hypnotherapist?”
R = Recreation
Ask about hobbies, movies, books, travel or simply what people do in their spare time. This could be as simple as asking about their tastes and preferences.
M = Motivation
In other words, their plans, visions, goals, and dreams. Basically, this is asking about what matters to them and why they do what they do.
You can combine the above, of course. For example, you could say, “Wow, you had four siblings! I’m from a big family too. Do you think you’ll have a lot of kids when you’re older, too?” This combines Family and a little Motivation. Or you can say something like, “I don’t think I’ve ever met a professional poetry teacher before – do you read a lot of poetry in your spare time, too?” This combines Occupation and Recreation.
Whatever you go with, understand that some awkwardness is always a possibility, but don’t get too hung up on it. Keep smiling and being relaxed and curious, and most people will respond well. A few other tips include saying your name more than once so people can remember it, and recalling a detail about what they tell you for the next time you meet. “Oh, hello again! How did it go with your daughter’s graduation?”
Finally, it’s worth noting that even if you do everything right, sometimes small talk just doesn’t get off the ground, and you find yourself wanting to make a retreat. That’s OK! Here’s a useful trick to escape a conversational sinking ship. Make up an excuse but remember
to include the word “need.” For example, “well, it’s been nice chatting, but I need to go and check on my kids, you know what they can be like!” or “Oh, I hope you’ll excuse me, I need to go and say hello to an old friend I haven’t seen in ages.” Then, if you like, you can smooth the departure by saying something nice to reiterate what you’ve talked about. “It was great to meet you – good luck with tomorrow!”
Avoid long responses with the 1-minute traffic light rule
Here’s an uncomfortable truth that, if you only acknowledge it, will make you a much better conversationalist overnight: other people are nowhere near as interested in hearing you talk about yourself as you think. Sad but true! If you ever doubt this, simply consider how often you yourself feel bored when someone goes on and on and on about themselves in a conversation.
Marty Nemko has what he calls a “traffic light rule” that will improve your conversations – especially if you’re a rambler. How do you know if you are a rambler? Well, if you regularly get the feeling that people are tuning you out, then that’s a red flag. Take heart – your story probably is interesting and relevant, you’re likely just taking too long to tell it.
As an unspoken rule, assume you have about 1 minute to make your point, and then let the conversation flow again. During the first 30 seconds, the light is green, and you can assume you’re getting your listener’s full attention. In the next 30 seconds, the light switches to yellow, and the listener’s attention may start to wane. Beyond 1 minute, the light goes red – they’re not listening anymore.
When we’re telling a tale, we can forget the passage of time because, to be frank, telling is usually more fun than listening. But consider that stand-up comedians can work for months on a “tight five” – i.e. a set where they deliver five uninterrupted minutes of speaking. The fact that even professionals who dedicate considerable effort to the task
sometimes fail to hold people’s attention beyond 5 minutes tells you everything!
Now, you don’t need to get all self-conscious and start checking your watch as you talk. But it might be a good exercise to rehearse a little on your own with a timer, just to get a sense of how long a minute or 30 seconds is (and it’s longer than you think!). You can also pay close attention to your listeners, too. If they’re sitting in rapt attention or laughing their heads off, begging you to continue, then continue. If they fidget, shift focus or start looking bored, wrap up. Whatever you do, don’t double down once they show clear signs of fatigue – you’ll only earn a reputation as a relentless bore.
And to pre-empt a possible objection: you don’t have to accept rambling from others, either. Sometimes we don’t want to hand over the conversational baton because we’re worried that we’ll never get a word in edgewise again if we do. But remember that a conversation is not a tug of war – it’s a friendly tennis match.
If you’re holding the ball all the time, you’re no longer having a game at all. Bounce it back and relax – you can always talk later again, if you still want to. If you’re a chatterbox who genuinely feels that they have a lot of interesting information to share, don’t get discouraged. People will listen to you more if you present yourself in a legitimately engaging way. Here are a few tips if you secretly suspect others find you a bit boring and rambly:
Leave people wanting more. Don’t share everything all at once. Allow others to ask, if they’re curious. Sometimes, people are more interested in what you have to say when you leave a few things unsaid. If you say, “well, remind me one day to tell you about that” and they don’t press there and then for you to elaborate, then you know that you can safely end your story and move on.
Slow down. It sounds counterintuitive, but don’t rush in a panic to get your point across. Rather than squeezing in as
much data as possible, focus on your delivery, and make your speech interesting by modulating your voice. Think before you speak. You don’t have to plan a little speech in your head, but don’t just open your mouth, start talking, and then decide what you want to say. A good trick is to teach yourself the habit of simply being quiet instead of saying things like “um.” Try to be as concise as possible.
As you talk with anyone, imagine that the conversation is like a balloon floating above the ground. Every time you bounce it with your hand, it floats up high again, but immediately starts to sink to the floor. A good conversation is lively, with everyone taking a turn to bop the balloon, which never dips too low to the ground. A bad conversation is one where someone grabs the balloon and holds it, allows it to fall onto the floor completely, or stands alone in a corner and bounces it by themselves, never giving anyone else a chance. Nobody’s going to want to stand around and just watch, are they?
Summary:
Most people fail to be charming in conversations because they misunderstand what it really means to be charming. But anyone can build their charisma by practicing a few concrete skills. Firstly, use mirroring to signal connection and understanding. Whether it’s verbally, nonverbally, or even emotionally, mirroring can build rapport between you and the other person. Use Albrecht’s “rule of three” to help you have more balanced conversations, i.e. ones where you do enough listening. What you say can either be a Declarative (facts or opinion being stated as facts), Questions, or Quali iers (or "softeners"). The rule is not to have more than three declaratives in a row –instead, use a question or softener to keep things balanced. Similarly, the ARE method is a helpful tool to help you nail small talk easily. It stands for Anchor, Reveal, and Encourage. First, identify a shared experience, then reveal something about
yourself connected to that anchor, then inally encourage the other person to share, too. With small talk topics, remember the acronym FORM: Family, Occupation, Recreation (hobbies and interests), and Motivation (goals).
You can avoid overly long-winded responses by remembering the 1 minute traf ic light rule. The irst 30 seconds or so is a green light to speak as you will, the next 30 seconds is an orange light – watch out for waning interest – and beyond a minute is a red light, where you will likely lose your listener’s attention. Keep it short!
Chapter 2. Connecting Beneath the Surface
Ego suspension and social connection
Connection is a theme we will return to over and over in this book. And again, it comes down to a fundamental shift in how we understand the purpose of conversation. When we see the goal of conversation as connection, play, appreciation and authentic emotional exchange, we behave in entirely different ways than if we see conversation as a battleground, a courtroom, or a stage on which to strut.
Robin Dreeke is a behavioral and interpersonal instructor at the FBI’s Counterintelligence Training Centre, and understands a lot about the power of suspending ego in effective conversations. Ego suspension is simple but not easy: it’s when we deliberately put other people’s perceptions, wants and needs ahead of our own.
FBI agents know that when fishing for intelligence, it’s never their job to be right; it’s their job to obtain information. Granted, we’re not FBI agents but people wanting to have better quality conversations – but the principle still has value. Choosing to temporarily step into someone else’s worldview takes courage because so many of us want to prioritize feeling right and in control. The irony is that ego suspension is actually
an ultra-fast way to feel more control in a conversation, and be better heard, since the connections you make with others will be much richer. According to Dreeke, “Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related topic and often in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story. Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other individual to talk about their story, neglecting their own need to share what they think is a great story.”
Honestly, when last did you do this? Many of us like to think that we’re attentive and empathetic, but are we really?
In the same way, as you notice yourself going into “declaration mode,” try to notice when you’re loading up an anecdote to tell, and deliberately choose to let it go. Instead, choose to immerse yourself in someone else’s story for a while. You don’t have to agree with it, or adopt it as your own. All you have to do is entertain it for a while. Just listen.
Rather than finding it boring or unfulfilling, most people discover something special when they do this properly: conversations with others can be engrossing and valuable even when they’re not about us! Watch closely to see if you have an “information compulsion” – the urge to jump in with a story about something that vaguely connects to what’s just been said. Instead of trying to add your bit, seek to more deeply understand the other person’s perspective.
Imagine you’re a reporter getting the whole story (or an FBI agent!). Willingly imagine that it’s possible you could learn something from the person in front of you, or that their view on the topic at hand is actually more interesting and nuanced than your own – if you can only suspend your ego long enough to notice it!
There are a few practical ways to suspend your ego, even if you find it excruciating at first:
Instead of saying “yes, but” say “yes, and” (we’ll look at this handy technique later in the book). It changes everything. Resist correcting people on minor details or adding in a useless fact just to prove you know it. If you must disagree, present it as an additional piece of information, rather than a conflicting one: “Yes, you’re right, we don’t need to worry too much about overspending. I also think that we could comfortably extend the budget by 10% to cover any possible shortfalls.”
Resist the urge to connect their story with your own – even if it comes from a place of wanting to show solidarity. If someone says, “Well, I’m originally from Malaysia,” don’t launch into a story about when you went on holiday to Malaysia. Instead, invite them to say more. “Wow, so you grew up there as a child?” Your ego can kill a conversation, but gently stroking someone else's ego can make it flourish! Try nonjudgmental validation. Forget about the idea of agreeing or disagreeing – it’s irrelevant. Simply communicate that you’re interested in the person in front of you, and that you respectfully and curiously acknowledge their perspective
(and not in a “well, you have a right to your opinion, I guess” way!). Give the conversation your full attention, respond genuinely, and really listen to what you’re told. When someone shares something, just absorb it without trying to jump in with your own interpretation, judgment or personal reaction. Believe, in that moment, that you are in the presence of the most important and interesting person in the universe – it will make more difference to your conversations than you can imagine.
Understand the three levels of rapport
When you imagine yourself in the middle of a conversation, and you feel like you’re totally charming the other person and coming across as ultra-charismatic, what does it look like? Maybe you think of someone bold, confident, flawless… even a little arrogant. There’s one thing that you probably don’t associate with charm and charisma: vulnerability. If you’re one of those people that can manage small talk and is friendly enough but never seems to get beyond the niceties and into deeper personal connection, this one’s for you. Many people mistakenly think that being good socially is about invulnerability – that you have to play it cool, calm, and confident. The opposite is true! Connection and vulnerability go hand in hand. Rapport can be thought of as a matter of degree. You get to know people in stages, first a little, then with increasing intimacy. How do you cover that distance? One way is through gradually increasing moments of disclosure (i.e. sharing vulnerability).
Stage 1: Light disclosure
To inspire trust in people and be likeable and relatable, you need to take the risk of being a little vulnerable around them. But you don’t just dive into it – you work up slowly, by starting with light disclosure first. Let’s say you have a new-ish friend with whom you share a mild secret, or tell an embarrassing story from your childhood. Maybe you reveal a harmless flaw you have or confess to something a little unexpected. The
story itself doesn’t matter. What does matter is the intention behind it: the other person will get the message – I’m opening up to you here, I trust you… It’s a universal signal that shows you’d like to gently further your connection (and this is not just in romantic relationships, but connections of any kind).
Practice light disclosure with new acquaintances and possible friends. Choose something playful and relatable.
“Oh, you think that’s bad? Not only did I have braces in school, I had that awful head gear thing! Don’t tell anyone, but my nickname used to be Jaws…”
Stag2: Medium disclosure
If (and only if) that is received well, or the other person responds with their own disclosures, then you can dial things up a notch. You do this by sharing opinions, beliefs, and ideas that are a bit closer to your heart, or by sharing more private experiences. Light disclosure can be amusing and playful, but medium disclosure is a bit more serious: you are showing someone the real you. This is a risky move, so if you make it, you are conveying a sense of trust to the other person, and a willingness to connect, despite the potential for being judged.
“Not many people know this about me, but my faith is actually very important to me, and always has been.”
Stage 3: Heavy disclosure
If you open up about your weaknesses, fears, vulnerabilities and scars, it is a powerful way to strengthen rapport, build trust and generate warm feelings. Dropping your guard for someone is an act of faith and goodwill. It frequently inspires the same from them. Because the risks for this type of disclosure are greatest, you reserve this level only for those you want the deepest levels of connection with, and for those who have earnt it!
“To be perfectly honest with you, after my divorce, I felt like I didn’t even want to go on anymore. It took a long time to come out of that black hole.”
And here’s the point about levels of disclosure: you need to be discerning. Start small and then ramp up. It doesn’t work if you dive into the deep stuff right off the bat, and it also doesn’t work if you’ve known someone for years and never even broached stage 1 with them.
Disclosure makes people feel special. It draws them into a private club of just the two of you, and creates bonds and friendship. That’s why you shouldn’t make a rule of disclosing everything to everyone!
Disclosure is like seasoning: too much or too little, and the dish is ruined. Human beings are built for emotional connection, deep empathy, and friendship and community. But that doesn’t mean we always know how to do it! If you’re stalling at the “acquaintance” level of friendship or find that you frequently alienate or freak people out, it could be a question of vulnerability and exposure.
There is no deep connection without risk and vulnerability. Yes, people can hurt you if they know your deepest self, but that’s the price we pay for intimacy. It’s what makes it worth it. Here’s how to make disclosure work for you:
First, take a look at your current friendships and connections and try to discern which level you’re at. Pick a handful of people you’d like to get to know better, and choose a moment to consciously disclose to them, just to the next level.
Then, importantly, watch their reaction. If they reciprocate or respond warmly, congrats! You’ve just advanced your connection. If they don’t, don’t panic. Just pull back again. Don’t disclose again until you have some indication from them that they want to go there. It’s a calculated risk, but you don’t have to feel bad if you overshoot or encounter someone who’s a little chilly – vulnerability won’t kill you! Naturally, there are a few things you want to be careful about. Try not to dump a load of upsetting or inappropriate material in the lap of a friend, especially if they’re not expecting it. Vulnerable disclosure is not about recklessly baring all your most intimate problems for others to see – you still need to use discretion and good judgment. Also, the heavier the disclosure, the more infrequent it should be. Everyone knows someone who is an over-sharer, and today many people cynically use their trauma as a kind of social currency. But in truth, you will get better results if you share specific things with specific people with a specific intention in mind. Publishing the grisly details of all your secrets on social media 3 times a week is not vulnerability!
Construct connection stories
Once you’ve mastered small talk (and it’s easier to master than you think!), then what?
Breaking the ice is one thing, but if you hope to consistently charm people and make them like you for longer than a few hours, then you’ll need to build genuine rapport. One good way to do this is to tell “connection stories.” Essentially, these are stories that tell people, in a simple, relatable way, who you are and what you stand for.
Since the dawn of time, human socializing has not just served to support group members and ensure people’s survival; it’s also about deciding who’s not part of the group. Even in the most benign of situations, new people are an unknown quantity – they’re strangers. To be considered not a stranger, somebody needs to know your character, your motivation, and your perspective. Basically, we want to know is this person like me? If the answer is yes, then a bond can be formed. That’s what a connection story is: it tells others Here’s who I am, and in many ways I’m like you.
You will notice this tactic used by people in the workplace, and you will especially see it in advertising or corporate branding strategies. Human beings are built for stories, and it’s a big part of the way we communicate. So when someone begins a speech with “I remember the first time I walked into Jim’s office…” or “I want to tell you about the exact moment I knew I would marry this woman” they are telling you Here’s who I am, and in many ways, I’m like you.
People will be consciously or unconsciously guessing how you tick from your body language, your appearance, your speech, your behavior, and more. But deliberately telling a connection story is a quick way to take charge of their perceptions and say, “this is who I am. This story encapsulates my values and principles.”
Harvard University psychologist Howard Gardner says, “Stories of identity narratives that help individuals think about and feel who
they are, where they come from, and where they are headed constitute the single most powerful weapon in the leader’s literary arsenal.”
The famous influence psychologist Robert Cialdini demonstrated that we are more moved to act to help those we feel are more similar to us. In an experiment, he wrote letters in different languages and left them next to mailboxes, so they appeared to be dropped there by accident. The finding was that when, for example, a Spanish letter was dropped in a predominantly Spanish-speaking area, the letter was more likely to be picked up and posted. The conclusion is obvious: people feel kinder and connected to those who are like them. If you want to deliberately foster this feeling of rapport, you need to write that metaphorical letter in the right language! So, how do you tell a good connection story? Well, let’s start with how you tell a bad one:
You simply list rational, factual information about yourself that sounds a bit like a resume (even in a work context, you need to show a human side!)
You ramble. People are complex, and you will never convey the full depths of your entire character to a person in one go. But sometimes, brevity is your friend. You might find that if you give it some thought, you can come up with ultra-short connection stories that do the job of a longer anecdote (“My mother tells me that my first word was no. That tells you pretty much everything you need to know about me!”)
You are not sincere. Nobody likes being given a sales pitch, or feeling like they’re being manipulated. The strength of a connection story is that it shows rather than tells. People
will lose interest if they feel you ’ ve deliberately curated a flattering “ad” for yourself.
So, what should you say? Before you next find yourself on the spot and having to introduce yourself, think for a moment about what your core values are. This doesn’t have to be a deep exercise. Just home in on those things that matter most to you – perhaps family, your faith, the idea of fairness and justice, whatever.
Now, think of a moment in your life when you became aware of how much this value meant to you. Think about this event or realization and how it helped shape your worldview today. For example, you might remember a moment when your daughter fell suddenly and seriously ill. You could tell a story about hearing this news while on a work trip, and realizing that in the two days it would take to travel back home, she might pass away. This dawning realization made you understand in that moment that no job, and no amount of money, would ever replace her if you lost her. You can talk about how, when you arrived home, you began to completely rethink the way you structured your lifestyle, and that’s why you now work for yourself, on your own terms.
In just a few short lines, you can quickly convey so much to your listener: that you are a hard worker, that you have a daughter, that you take family life seriously, that you ’ re capable of personal change and transformation, that you aren’t afraid to take risks and try something new, that you ’ re not materialistic, that you think carefully about your principles, that you ’ re brave enough to share a vulnerable story… and so on.
Author of Whoever Tells the Best Story Wins, Annette Simmons, says that “People won’t listen to you until they know who you are and what you want." So, tell them. But to make sure you’re telling a story that will really build rapport, make it a genuine and considered story that speaks to something genuinely meaningful. Whether you’re asked to introduce yourself to new people or new work colleagues, or you’re simply trying to get to know a new friend better, don’t be afraid to show yourself. Keep things short and sweet, and don’t
worry about coming across as boastful or inappropriate. When people voluntarily open up and share their genuine beliefs, it almost always inspires trust and respect in others. It invites others to do the same. And that’s how connection grows!
Be charismatic: hang a label on it
In conversation, labeling is a way to listen actively, re lect what we ’ ve been told, and communicate the message I’m paying attention. Labeling is not unlike mirroring, where we essentially re lect some aspect of the other person ’ s experience back to them, creating feelings of understanding and empathy. For example:
“I’m completely shocked by this whole thing…”
“Shocked?”
The above is simple mirroring – you’ve used the very same word they have. But take a look at what labelling looks like:
“I’m completely shocked by this whole thing…”
“Seems like it’s really taken you by surprise.”
This is more of a label you’re putting on the other person’s experience. You hear that they feel shocked, but you are also making your own inferences, and offering up your appraisal, almost helping them find the words to better express themselves. If done right, the other person may say in response to a label, “exactly!” and then you know you’ve boosted feelings of understanding and rapport between you.
Human beings communicate because they want to be understood. But there are levels of understanding. Sometimes, you can quickly create a sense of connection when you’re able to read between the emotional lines, so to speak, and show the other person that you really get what they’re saying.
“I’m completely shocked by this whole thing…”
“It sounds like you had hopes that everything would turn out quite differently.”
In the above, there is quite a big leap of conjecture, but if this leap is accurate, the other person will feel so much more seen and validated. You can probably guess that labelling doesn’t always go to plan, though,
and when it flops it’s because we’ve moved into assumption rather than accurately labelling how the other person feels.
“I’m completely shocked by this whole thing…”
“It looks like you’re disappointed in yourself for letting this happen.”
Uh, what? If you put the wrong label on someone else’s emotion, expect to create instant feelings of distrust, alienation or just awkwardness!
You don’t want to interpret, diagnose or judge – you just want to paraphrase. That’s why the best labelling is actually quite basic – make it a blend between mirroring and labeling by finding an obvious synonym for what they’ve literally just said.
“Man, I’m tired.”
“Aw, seems like you’re feeling pretty exhausted.”
Logically, you’re not introducing any new information, but the person will nevertheless feel like you’re taking in what they say, processing it, understanding it, and passing it back to them. That’s worth a lot!
Try:
It seems like…
It looks like…
You look like…
It sounds like…
So you’re…?
Avoid using the word “I” or you instantly signal that you’re making interpretations rather than just reflecting what you’ve heard. So, don’t say, “I wonder if…” or “I think you…” or “In my opinion…”
Labeling can help you defuse conflict and help bring shape and resolution to a tricky conversation. Imagine you have an angry customer on the phone who is ranting about a long list of things they’re angry at your company for. You can say something like, “It seems you’re really unhappy about this.” Now, the customer might never have said this word – unhappy – but may feel more validated simply because you’ve accurately summarized the situation.
However, if you really want to bump up your communication skills, a good idea is to label the more positive emotion to bring attention to it, while not labeling more negative or unhelpful emotions. In this example, you may reach a comfortable resolution more quickly if you can say, “It seems like you’re really just looking for a way for us to make
this right.” By focusing on potential solutions, you encourage this customer to move beyond complaint and into reparations. A lot of this comes down to instinct – but our instinct takes awareness and active listening to hear what’s going on beneath a conversation. Why is this person complaining? Basically, things are wrong and they want you to make them right again!
Remember that labels are there to clarify, to signal empathy, to build rapport, trust and connection, and to show genuine understanding. Here’s a great trick for using labeling in more professional contexts, such as at work. Even though people may be communicating dry data, seek to understand the emotional content of what you’re being told. Knowing how to do this can cut through a lot of potential misunderstanding and streamline things incredibly, since everyone’s needs will be met (communication, after all, only exists because people are trying to get their needs met, one way or another!).
For example, someone can go on at length about an upcoming deadline and what still needs to be done, and you can say, “It seems like you’re worried we won’t get this done in time.” This will create far more rapport and understanding than if you’d just zoomed in on the literal details of the deadline and the workload, completely sidestepping the underlying emotion of anxiety behind it all.
Finally, a warning: nobody likes an amateur psychoanalyst. You know the kind!
“Ugh, I’m kind of dreading this big family Christmas thing I have this weekend!”
“It seems like you have a toxic relationship with your mother.”
There can be a fine line between expressing empathy and rushing to “diagnose” or pathologize a person’s experience. Stick to labels that simply put words to a human emotion (“worried” or “tired”) rather than making a convoluted theory about their experience – which can feel extremely invalidating!
Don’t “be” boring
Now, this one isn’t rocket science. If you want to be a better conversationist and charm people with your charisma, then… don’t be boring.
