Issuu

FORWARD y r to S y M

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WARD y r to S y M

Abby Wambach

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“Untitled” by R. M. Drake reprinted by permission Forward: My Story (Young Readers’ Edition) Text copyright © 2016 by Abby Wambach All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address HarperCollins Children’s Books, a division of HarperCollins Publishers, 195 Broadway, New York, NY 10007. www.harpercollinschildrens.com ISBN 978-0-06-245792-9

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PC/RRDH 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ❖ First Edition

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Dear Abby, Before there was soccer, championships, applause, jeers, heartbreak, shame: there you were, four years old. Today I want to hold you and promise you this: Don’t try to earn your worthiness. It’s your birthright. Fear not failure. There is no such thing. You will know real love. The journey will be long, but you’ll find your way home. You are so brave, little one. I’m proud of you. Love, Abby

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FORWARD y r to S y M

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CONTENTS

FRAUD

TOMBOY

REBEL

TEAMMATE

LESBIAN

ROOKIE

MANIC

DEPRESSIVE

CAPTAIN

LEADER

APPRENTICE

HEAD CASE

GOAT

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ROMANTIC

100

HERO

107

WIFE

118

GAMBLER

126

CHAMPION

13 4

ADVOCATE

151

CONTROL FREAK

165

WORK ADDICT

180

FAILURE

198

HUMAN

202

Epilogue 205 Acknowledgments

209

About the Author

211

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FRAUD

I HAVE SCORED MORE PROFESSIONAL

soccer goals

than anyone else in the history of the game—184, to be exact—but I never once witnessed the ball meet the net. Although my eyes were open and aimed in the right direction, the second I hit my target the picture went black—not a slow fade, but a swift chop that separated the scene from my ability to see it. For thirty years, scoring goals was the one skill I could count on for security and acceptance and love. Rarely did my brain pause long enough to consider what might come next, and how my life would look without soccer to fill it up. Now it’s November 2015, two weeks after I announced my retirement. I have let soccer go, but it 1

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hasn’t let me go. And today, my life still isn’t what I’d imagined it would be, but I’m starting to appreciate the view. In these pages I will share plenty of tales from the field—ones I have never told before—but this is not, at its core, a book about soccer. Admit it: No matter who you are or what you’ve done in your life, you recognize a feeling I’ll describe in these pages: that private, constant worry that makes you wonder if you’re lost for good. You have, at some point, experienced setbacks and been forced to find a way to re-create yourself. You’ve found yourself in the midst of transition, working up the nerve to take your next step. You have been treated unfairly and unequally. You have been labeled, placed into ill-fitting boxes, and told by others what you are and how to be. You have even labeled yourself, lessening your potential with your own words. Here are just a few of my labels: tomboy, lesbian, coward, failure, control freak, rebel, fraud. And a few more, on the flip side: inspiration, captain, champion, advocate. At a young age I learned that you own labels by defying them, and you defy them by owning them. I know that the final word on me will be one that I choose. Seventy-seven of my unseen goals came courtesy of my head, and I am often asked to explain my 2

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technique: how my body knew where to be and how hard to hit, how I sensed and made the connection. For me, soccer was, and is, a complicated, chaotic dance, one that demands the repetition and mastery of its steps. In every game, in every play, my chance of scoring was directly related to my memory of previous goals. From past experience, I could predict the ballâ€™s path and position my head to meet it, finding the sweet spot just before everything went dark. Soccer has taught me many lessons, but the greatest one is this: Sometimes the only way to move forward is by first looking back.

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TOMBOY

MY SIX SIBLINGS AND I

were raised on competi-

tion. Tales of diligence and strength and success were passed down like cherished heirlooms. We heard about my great-grandfather, who bought a wooden stand, piled it high with colorful triangles of fruit, and waved down each wagon passing through upstate New York. My grandfather improved on the idea, trading in the wooden stand for a building and twenty-two acres of land, naming the business Wambach Farms. When he died he left everything to his only child, my father, who, after his high school graduation, began working at the store seven days a week. My father would stop work long enough for 4

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dinner and come home at 6 p.m. sharp before heading straight back to the store. His nightly presence at the table was one of the official family rules, a list controlled and made longer by my mother over the years. Another rule was the mandatory head count, instituted after my brother Pat was accidentally left home alone (like Macaulay Culkin in the movie) during an outing to a local restaurant. Even manners were a contest; it was widely acknowledged that the Wambach kids were the nicest and best behaved in all of Pittsford. Our town was a conservative, suburban community just outside Rochester, heavily Catholic and wealthy, and we were to obey its unspoken code. We had to be polite to neighbors, strangers, and elders: We sent handwritten thank you notes; we were told to hold open doors; we never mouthed off or said bad words. We attended Mass at St. Louis Church every Sunday, dressed in our finest, and sat in the front pew. “That priest up there?” my mom would whisper. “He’s watching your every move. God is watching, too, so no monkey business.” We behaved when my parents took their vacation in Florida, leaving us with our grandparents, occasionally for months at a time. We listened. We obeyed. We understood and acknowledged how blessed we were because we were exposed to those less 5

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fortunate; every year, my parents enrolled in the Fresh Air program, inviting city kids to stay with us for the summer. I looked forward to those visits, eager for a glimpse of anything and anyone outside my daily life. On some level, I sensed that I was different, too—a difference that stretched beyond my usual abilities on the soccer field. I knew it would take time to understand how and why. My mother’s most cherished rule was: There will be order and calm at the dinner table. Designated family time was sacred. We were to share something about our day, one child at a time. My mother enforced this rule—and every rule—with what we all called “The Look”: eyebrows pressed into a V; lips flattened into a line. The Look made her invincible, supreme, and being on the receiving end of it was punishment enough. My mother named me Mary Abigail after the Virgin Mary, and she dressed me in ruffles and bows starting the day I was born. My father had been a gifted athlete himself, wrestling and running track and playing football. Before they began working full-time at the family store, I used to beg my four brothers to take me to the neighborhood cul-de-sac, cover me in goalie pads, and kick slap shots at me until sundown. My sister Laura was creative, freespirited, and musically gifted. My oldest sibling, my 6

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sister Beth, was athletic, brilliant, and on her way to becoming an Ivy League–educated doctor. She was my second mother, always willing to tend to me when the real one ran out of time. After she left for college I became so sad and withdrawn that my parents took me to a psychiatrist. Even then, I was beginning to realize that soccer was my secret weapon, my own unique way to get adoration and respect. My father prodded me. “How many goals did you score today, Abby?” I beamed at him. “A hat trick,” I said. Three goals. His response was swift: “Why not four?” I had no answer. I scored more hat tricks. I scored more times than I could count. I scored twenty-seven goals in three games and, at age nine, was sent to join the boys’ league. They teased me, calling me “tomboy” and telling me to go back to the girls. I welcomed their treatment and longed to prove that I belonged. I played football with my brothers and their friends, tackling one neighborhood kid so hard I left him moaning on the ground. I added basketball to my schedule and discovered that it helped my soccer game. During my weekly phone call with Beth, she would always ask if I had won my latest game. 7

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“Sure did,” I’d reply. “Thirty-two to nothing.” “That’s great! How many points did you score?” “Thirty-two.” I started experimenting with headers, taking note of how the ball launched from my scalp. My father ordered me to move from central midfielder to forward, since forwards have more opportunities to score. In eighth grade, I was recruited to start on the varsity team for Our Lady of Mercy High School, the private, all-girls institution that my sisters attended. I started participating in the Olympic Development Program, or ODP, which gave me exposure to college and national team coaches. I gave my first interview to a local television station. “Where do you get your athletic talent?” the reporter asked. “My mom played zero sports,” I said. “But my dad was one of the fastest runners in New York State.” With each passing day soccer became a bigger part of my life. I loved it for what it gave me: praise, affection, and, above all, attention. When I was on the field I didn’t have to beg to be noticed, either silently or aloud; it was a natural by-product of my talent. I hated it for the same reason, terrified that soccer was the only worthwhile thing about me, that stripping it from my identity might make me disappear. My future teammate and friend, Mia Hamm, would 8

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one day offer this advice for players just starting out: “Somewhere behind the athlete you’ve become and the hours of practice and the coaches who have pushed you is a little girl who fell in love with the game and never looked back. . . . Play for her.” I was not, and never would be, that little girl. Already I knew I was incapable of falling in love with the game itself—only with the validation that came from mastering it, from bending it to my will. I hated soccer even more when my mother declared that I had to skip my vacation at Stella Maris, the Catholic summer camp I’d attended for as long as I could remember. My heart sank. I was fourteen and not yet ready to let go of being a kid. It was the one place where I could do crafts and play tetherball and not think about soccer. Instead, she said, I had to go to soccer camp and work on improving my technique. This wasn’t the first time we disagreed. A part of me was still angry about her long trips to Florida. You came back and now you want to be my mom? I’d think. You haven’t been here! To her alarm, I started refusing to wear dresses, even to church. On Sunday mornings, I would pull on sweatpants, making her panic. I knew I’d get The Look, and she delivered it on cue. But I dug in, refusing to budge. I might have inherited a sports gene from my father, but my stubbornness came from her. The strategy 9

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worked brilliantly as a bargaining tool, as a way to find middle ground with her, and when I slid into the front pew at church I was wearing pants and a shirt. She blamed my behavior on a desire to be like my brothers, and I wanted to tell her, No, this is all me. I wanted her to love me anyway. But with soccer, there was no compromising. “Mom,” I’d plead, “I need to learn life. And I need to learn life through my mistakes, too. My life can’t be all of your choices. If I make a mistake, I want it to be my mistake.” My mother remained unmoved. I huffed off to sulk in my room but was stopped by my brother Andy on the stairs. “I’m going to quit soccer,” I announced. He dropped his hand on my arm, held me still, and spoke to me in a tone I’d never heard before. “You have such a gift,” he said. “You have to accept that. You can’t quit. You would be doing all of us a disservice. We all wish we had half of your talent.” I felt like I was being asked to choose between soccer and myself, and I wasn’t sure how—or even if—one could exist without the other. I was determined to have both. In the end, I agreed to spend my summer at soccer camp, all the while plotting other ways to rebel.

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REBEL

I BEGAN TO REVOLT LITTLE by little, tiptoeing around

the edges of soccer without attacking it directly. I was playing five days a week for Mercy High School, two games and three practices, and I challenged my body to see how much abuse it could take. Every morning on the drive to school, I steered my hand-me-down Chevy into McDonald’s for a breakfast sandwich and a Coke, the first of at least a dozen sodas I’d drink that day. On a dare I devoured an entire stick of butter. I’d scarf large orders of chicken wings, then hold the box up to drink every drop of grease that had pooled at the bottom. One time before practice, I ate fifteen fried pizza rolls and then ran a timed mile, throwing up as soon as I hit the finish line. I once 11

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rode a Jet Ski straight into a lightning storm. I became the only child my mother didn’t trust, a fact she shared openly and often. None of my brothers or sisters ever had a curfew, but she made mine 11 p.m., a full hour before my friends had to be home. If I pulled into the driveway at 10:45, I’d sit there and wait so I wasn’t a second early. Once, while my mother was in Florida, I got my tongue pierced. As I left for school, she planted herself between me and the door. “You have a tongue ring,” she said. “I want it out of your mouth and sitting on this table by five p.m. or I’m going to sue the pants off that place you went to.” I didn’t want to be on the news for my tongue ring, so I did as she asked, but our fights became more and more explosive from then on. “I wish you were dead!” I’d scream at her, and she’d spin on her heel and order me to her “office”—a small bathroom on our main floor. When she’d close the door I’d expect The Look, but instead she’d be expressionless, all her features fixed into place. She’d speak with terrifying calmness and clarity: “One day when I am dead, you are going to regret saying that.” My grades were terrible. Instead of listening to my teachers I practiced my autograph, filling my notebooks with hundreds of ornate Abby Wambachs, 12

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picturing the lines of future fans. I realized my eyes focused differently, one nearsighted and the other farsighted. That helped my soccer game, allowing me to gauge the ball at every distance, but always made reading difficult. My eyes fought against each other, exhausting my brain. I knew I only had to do well enough to get into college, and that college would be paid for by a full sports scholarship. I didn’t behave badly when it came to soccer. On that subject alone I respected my mother’s wishes, listening to my coach, Ms. Boughton, and obeying her every order. In my sophomore year she made me captain and motivated me with insults. “Get on your horse!” she’d yell. “Stop being so lazy. You’re not playing to your capability. You’re not displaying the level of sophistication a leader should have. I don’t care if you want to quit.” I tested her, telling her often that I never wanted to play soccer again. Panicked, she’d call my mother, who’d laugh and say, “Just give her time.” To Coach Boughton’s relief, my mother was right: In two weeks I’d be back on the field, chasing the ball with my head. No one had ever spoken to me like that in my life, and I gratefully took in every word. I was tired of hearing about my talent and was desperate to know my flaws; I wanted to corner and confront them and use them to help me improve. I wanted to be better, 13

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if only because being better got me more attention. I was the last kid left in high school, and my mother had time to come to my games, chatting with the other parents in between blows of the whistle. In my mind, her conversations were all about Beth: the smart one, the responsible one, the first great athlete of the family, who led Mercy’s basketball team to a state championship; Beth’s name, in fact, was on a banner in the gym. In my mind, my mother’s biggest question was whether I could win the championship, too, and I took it as a challenge. If I win, maybe she’ll love me the most. If I win, maybe I’ll finally love myself. I had a boyfriend, my first, and he told me he loved me all the time. His name was Teddy Barton and he played soccer for McQuaid, the companion boys’ school to Mercy. Teddy had dark eyes and long, shaggy brown hair that he tied up in a ponytail. My parents approved of him: He was a smart, athletic kid from a good family, a future Navy pilot, already looking ahead. They even invited us to double-date with them at their country club, where they’d take pride in the fact that the servers and members all knew my name. We were the unofficial “jock couple” of Rochester. His friends became my friends, even when I outplayed 14

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them on the field, but I pretended not to hear their jokes: Teddy, your girlfriend is bigger than you are. Teddy, your girlfriend is gay. I was tall—I grew ten inches within a year and stood five foot eleven—but I was not gay. At least I didn’t think I was, since I wasn’t sure what “gay” felt like, or how that identity would fit if I tried it on. On the walls of my room hung posters of the usual nineties heartthrobs, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, and I wouldn’t have minded substituting Teddy for any of them. When he took me to a Dave Matthews concert, the singer kissed me on the cheek and I refused to let Teddy touch that spot for the rest of the night. I was still a tomboy, but no more so than any other female athlete at my school; we all wore backward baseball caps over our ponytails. I thought I loved Teddy, but then again, I wasn’t sure what “love” felt like, either. On the night of his senior prom, my mom was thrilled at the sight of me in a dress and heels, which made me much taller than Teddy. We danced for hours, and he begged me to stay out late, but I had a game the next day and needed to be home by curfew. Within the week my best friend, Audrey, called me, saying she had a hypothetical question. “What if you knew your best friend’s boyfriend cheated on her?” she asked. “Would you tell her?” “When did Teddy cheat on me?” I replied, bluffing. 15

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A part of me didn’t think he was capable of it. “Oh! I didn’t think you’d figure that out.” “He did?” I asked. “When? Who?” It was after I left prom, she said. A girl from a different school. I ignored him when he begged for forgiveness, and I was surprised by my reaction: My pride was wounded more than my heart. One day after soccer practice, my parents and I stopped at the Macaroni Grill. I still remember my outfit: white turtleneck, blue corduroy pants, Doc Martens, and a bright yellow North Face jacket I’d saved up to buy. Our server approached, wearing a crisp white shirt and skinny tie. She had long brown hair and green eyes and seemed to be smiling only at me. I couldn’t look directly at her, but I couldn’t look away. I liked her. I liked her in a way I had never liked Teddy. I don’t remember ordering, or what my parents talked about; there was a booming silence in my ears as my heart pounded against my chest. I could feel the energy in my arms and legs; my feet tapped and my fingers shook. When she walked away to get our drinks, I picked up a crayon from the table’s basket and doodled a soccer ball, willing myself to be calm. 16

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I felt like a switch had flipped inside me, blinking neon and sharing my secrets to the whole world. When she came back she was still smiling at me, and she pointed at the soccer ball I’d scrawled on my place mat. “Oh, you play soccer?” she asked. “Yes, I play soccer.” “That’s super cool. I played lacrosse and soccer.” I told her I attended Mercy High School, and she asked if I knew the famous soccer player who went there, the girl who was always on the local news. “I know her,” I said. “That’s me.” I learned her name was Stephanie, and when she cleared our plates her hand skimmed my pinky finger, a touch all the more powerful because it happened so quickly. I silently repeated the three syllables of her name all the way home. I paced in my room, back and forth between my window and my door. What was that? I didn’t know what to do with the feeling I’d had around her. For a moment I wondered if it was just my latest attempt to rebel, and in a way I knew would hurt my mother the most. If I liked girls, I was a bad Catholic, doomed for all eternity. The feeling was worth the risk. I sat down at my desk and typed a letter, picking my words with care: 17

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Dear Stephanie, I was one of your clients today, and we got to talking. I can’t really tell you who I am, and I don’t know what this feeling is about, but I want to get to know you. I’ve never done this before. If you know who this is, look me up in the phone book and please call me. Without knocking, my brother Andy barged into my room. “Get out!” I yelled. “I’m doing something personal.” Hunching over the letter, I turned my face just enough to scowl at him. I could tell he was curious, but he backed away. I mailed it to “Stephanie, c/o the Macaroni Grill.” I waited, and held my breath with each ring of the phone. On the third day Stephanie called. “Hey!” she said. “This is Stephanie from the Macaroni Grill.” “Cool,” I said, trying to sound calm. “How are you?” “Well, I got this letter. And I wondered if the letter was from you.” “A letter?” I acted surprised. “What letter?” “Oh, you didn’t send a letter to the Macaroni Grill? My bad, so sorry.” I laughed and said I was just joking with her, and it 18

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was me. I knew right then that whatever this feeling was, she had it, too. We began to see each other secretly. I didn’t tell anyone, but a group of local girls found out; one morning I found a rainbow sticker slapped on the back of my Chevy Blazer, and I scraped every last bit of it off. I went to great lengths to hide my relationship from my teammates and friends. Once, on the way back from a soccer game in Syracuse, I stopped at Stephanie’s house and lost all track of time, missing both family dinner and my curfew. My mom called Audrey’s house to ask if she knew where I was. For once, she didn’t. Neither did my friend Breaca, who was offended that I kept my secret from her. When I got home I made up an excuse, and if my mother didn’t believe it she kept it to herself. Throughout senior year I heard daily from college coaches who wanted me to play for them. Each bragged about their program, their campus, their social scene; some jokingly promised me half of their salaries. My mother gleefully stuffed a binder with offer letters and brochures. I visited four schools, one right after the other—the University of North Carolina, George Mason, the University of Virginia, and UCLA—and I was convinced I should choose the one farthest away from home. “I’m done,” I told my 19

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mother. “I’m going to California. UCLA it is.” “No,” she said, offering a slightly different version of The Look. “I’m trying to honor the fact that you want to make this decision, but you have to make five visits. The reason you don’t want to go on one more visit is because you’re lazy.” “Fine,” I finally agreed. “It’s between Clemson or Florida, whoever calls first.” Without saying a word to me, my mother intervened. She decided that Clemson was “too Southern,” and that, if I chose Florida, she and my father would be able to attend games when they were vacationing at their condo. She called Florida’s coach, Becky Burleigh, asked her to hurry up and call me, and within a week I was off to visit Florida. The university’s soccer program was brand-new, a by-product of Title IX, the law that made it illegal for any federally funded school to discriminate on the basis of gender, including in the creation and development of sports programs. Later, I’d realize how fortunate I was to have benefited from the law, which enabled American women’s soccer to dominate on the international stage; FIFA estimates that 12 percent of youth soccer players are girls, and US players make up more than half that number. During the nearly four decades from 1941 to 1979, women in Brazil were completely barred from playing soccer. 20

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Even today, there’s a stigma against female players, who are sometimes called “sapatão,” a rude term for a lesbian. But then, as an eighteen-year-old, I wasn’t focused on the politics of soccer. I just liked the idea of building something from the ground up, of being the underdog with something to prove. It was settled: I’d be playing for the Florida Gators. My mother won the game without me even knowing we were playing one. I was away on an Olympic Development Program trip when I made the decision, and my mother helped me orchestrate my announcement. She lined up sweatshirts from all five prospective schools along the kitchen counter and invited reporters to the house. At the appointed time, I called home and told my mother what she already knew. As she raised the Florida sweatshirt—number four in the lineup—over her head, everyone cheered and clapped. “I’m going to a movie now,” I told her, knowing she was still basking in the spotlight. In the last few months of my high school career I had just two things on my mind: the state championship and Stephanie. I knew our relationship would probably end once I headed to college, so I tried to see her as much as possible, sometimes letting it get in the way of soccer. During an away game for the U.S. Women’s National Under-18 Team, I played poorly 21

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on purpose, missing headers and tripping over my feet and letting opponents slip past. When the coach questioned me, I had a lie already prepared: My beloved uncle was dying, and I really needed to go home. I had one ready for my parents, too: My ankle hurt, and I didn’t want to begin my college career injured, so I had to come home and rest. As soon as I was back I went to find Stephanie. Our relationship was still a secret, but I knew soon enough I’d have to say it out loud. She was there, watching, on the day Mercy High School played Massapequa for the state championship. More than playing for the Under-18 team, more than earning a full ride to college, more, even, than identifying what made me different, I saw a state title as the high point of my high school life. Winning would put my name up on a banner in the school auditorium, above my sister Beth’s. Winning would correct my faults and fill in my gaps. It would make my mother see past all the parts of me she wished she could change, including the parts she didn’t yet know. We played on Astroturf after a snowstorm, in conditions that are unthinkable to me today, with a layer of slush still coating the ground. For the first sixty minutes the game progressed perfectly, as though I’d choreographed every move. I was playing better 22

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than I ever had, the ball kissing my forehead before it found the net, and we were up 3–0 with twenty minutes left. Couch Boughton pulled me aside and told me I’d be playing defense, and in my mind I thought that was crazy—playing not to lose instead of to win—but I did what my mother would want me to do, and I obeyed. The minutes ticked by: nineteen, eighteen, seventeen. Massapequa scored three goals in quick succession, and for the first time in my life the game slipped away from me, operating on some level I couldn’t reach. I saw their winning shot with cruel focus, soaring past me, past all of us, the scoreboard lighting up to confirm our defeat. My defeat. I sensed myself growing smaller, my body curling inward, my elbows to thighs, my head to my hands, my ponytail grazing the ground. I felt the sting of snow through my stockings, numbing the points of my knees. I was wailing, making a noise I’d never heard, and it occurred to me that I’d never before cried in public; I was horrified at the thought that my emotions might be recorded and judged. I didn’t know how long I was there before my teammates surrounded me, pulling me up an inch at a time. My legs felt separate, moving without orders from my brain, and they took me to the fence, where I saw my mother waiting, her body stretching out to 23

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meet me. She pulled me in close, her hands touching behind my back, and she put her mouth to my ear: I love you, Abby, she said. I love you. I relaxed against her, finally believing the words and feeling like Iâ€™d earned them.

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TEAMMATE

ON THE NIGHT BEFORE I

left for college, I sat with

friends on my front steps until sunrise, finding shapes in the stars. I was eager to leave Pittsford, with its strict rules and expectations, with its unspoken hopes about who I was supposed to be. For all of my eighteen years I’d lived someone else’s version of me, and I needed to create a new model of myself— one I recognized when I looked in the mirror. “Tomorrow a whole new life starts for me,” I whispered to myself. “I don’t know when I’ll come home again.” I was ready to see what was next for me. My mother had packed up nearly everything I owned, 25

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leaving only my trophies behind. She’d arranged each box in my new Jeep Wrangler with such tight order that not an inch was wasted. My father had struck a deal: If I got a full scholarship to college, he’d buy me the car of my choice. He argued for a BMW but I insisted on the Jeep, fearing judgments about arriving on campus in such a fancy car. He also offered to pay $50 for every college goal I scored, a big raise from my high school rate of $25. They followed me on the nineteen-hour drive down to Gainesville, making sure we weren’t separated by more than one car. I was exhausted from my late night, and a few hours into the drive I started nodding off, swerving in and out of my lane. Loud honking woke me up, and through my rearview mirror I saw my mother waving her arms, motioning me to the side of the road. For the rest of the way, we took turns, one of my parents driving my Jeep while I slept in the passenger seat. My mother lowered the volume on the radio and shifted into fifth gear, working the stick with surprising ease. Wow, when did Mom learn how to drive a stick shift? I thought. I liked the idea that she had secrets of her own. A few days later, at 5 a.m., I showed up at my first preseason practice totally unprepared. Over the summer Coach Burleigh had sent a packet detailing how we should condition ourselves, but I refused to put 26

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down the Coke and junk food, let alone go for a run. My teammates and I gathered at one end of the field and waited for the shriek of the whistle. If I didn’t pass this fitness test, I wouldn’t be allowed to play. But I was used to abusing my body without problems; it had never failed to do what I told it to do. I was off: eight hundred yards in three minutes, around the track. I ran swiftly, surprisingly fast for a big girl, finding my rhythm. I had two minutes to rest, and I was barely out of breath. Next up: a back-andforth suicide run—six, eighteen, and sixty yards—in thirty-four seconds. Halfway through and I could hear my mother’s voice: I told you to go for a run, Abby. I warned you this would happen. The sun grew hotter each second, burning my scalp. Sweat dripped into my eyes. I can’t do this, I thought, and then I was off again, running four hundred yards in 1:25, both painfully present in my body and feeling as though I were floating above it, a witness to my suffering. I gulped only three hoarse breaths during the fortyfive-second rest, and I ordered my legs to run again. Another 6-18-60 suicide run, and my body began to revolt. I felt like I was going to throw up. And then a terrible realization hit me: The workout was only half over. I felt like I was physically incapable of running another step or taking another breath or bending to 27

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touch the ground with my fingers, but then my body did something it had never done—it took control and spoke to my brain: I am not going to stop, even if you think I’m finished. You have so much anger inside of you, layers and layers of rage, each a different flavor. Feeling like a failure, feeling like a freak, feeling abandoned and unloved and unlovable, feeling like an “athlete” is your only authentic identity, a total far greater than the sum of all of your parts. Take that anger and use it now to make me move. My mind submitted to my body, and my body responded. I began to gain speed, overriding every scream and aching bone. Another four hundred in 1:25, another 6-18-60 suicide run, another eight hundred in 3:15. Through those last eight hundred yards I felt like I was going to pass out, but my mind fed its anger to my body, and my body absorbed it all, using every last bit of energy until they both, at once, ordered me to stop. It was finished. I did it. I thought I might die, yet I had never felt so alive. I hid under my towel, fearful that if I looked up to watch the goalkeepers I might never be able to step on a field again—and I had to, in just a few hours, for more drills and a scrimmage. One of my new teammates, Heather Mitts, sat next to me. I lifted the edge of my towel to look up at her. She was a junior, two years older than me, with shiny blond hair and legs 28

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up to her armpits, and I suspected—correctly—that one day we’d be together on the U.S. National Team. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I confessed. She smiled, a quick flash of white teeth, and said, “Yeah, you can.” It was a dare as much as an order, and I believed I could do it—as long as my body and mind were speaking to each other. Our team had twelve seniors, all of whom had been there from the beginning, when the program first launched four years back. They became my new family, substitutes for the older siblings I’d left back north, and I was equally desperate to please them. My pedigree—142 high school goals, one of the country’s top-ten recruits, named the high school player of the year by numerous organizations—didn’t matter on my new field. Unlike at Mercy, this team didn’t depend only on me. Raw talent was no longer enough, and I needed to prove I belonged on this field. Every horrible three-a-day, every scrimmage, every game was a chance to get their attention. I scored on a header in my very first game, a 3–0 victory. I credited my goals to teammates, knowing that without their skillful serves, I wouldn’t score at all. At a game in Connecticut, a male fan began harassing a teammate who also happened to be gay. “Hey, twenty-eight!” 29

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he yelled to me, referencing my number. “Is number eight your girlfriend?” I deliberately kicked the ball into the stands, a line drive that nearly collided with his head. He left her alone after that. I cheered everyone on as they ran their suicide runs, sometimes literally pushing them across the finish line. I stayed just fit enough to cross the line myself. Look at me, I thought. See me. Notice me. Love me—if not for who I am, then for what I can do. What I wanted to do, what we all wanted to do, was make it to the NCAA tournament, where we’d likely meet the University of North Carolina Tar Heels, who’d won the championship game fourteen out of the last sixteen years. Every time we played the Tar Heels they dominated the field, beating us four times over the three previous years, scoring eighteen goals to our one. I had my own issue against North Carolina—its legendary coach, Anson Dorrance, was the only person who refused to offer me a full scholarship (he offered a partial, which, in my mind, was the equivalent of the cost of a couple of textbooks). The Tar Heels were a dynasty, a superpower that churned out stars for the national team like clockwork, and I was determined to play a role in knocking them down. Early in our season it became clear that we had something; we were something, and we felt 30

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untouchable. We defeated teams we’d never beaten before—Southern Methodist University and Texas A&M and Vanderbilt—and as our first game against UNC approached, we saw no reason for the streak to end. In October, in front of five thousand fans— including my parents, who attended every game—it did end, but barely. One of our seniors tied the game 1–1 in the eighty-sixth minute and forced an extra period, during which the Tar Heels scored and won. But this loss felt different, like it was halfway to a win. It was our only loss of the season, and we prepared to meet the Tar Heels again. Two months later, we did, in Greensboro, North Carolina, just fifty miles away from UNC’s home field. It was our first time in the NCAA tournament, and just one game stood between us and the national title. We were ready, and within the first six minutes our captain shot a free kick, soaring the ball over the head of the Tar Heel goalkeeper and lighting up our side of the board. The next eighty-four minutes were some of the ugliest soccer I’d ever played, a ferocious stretch of hustle and vigilance and hurling myself at the ball, all 170 pounds of me tumbling forward and coming to rest on my face. Every minute stretched on forever, and toward the end, at the final TV timeout, Coach Burleigh summoned us together for a huddle. We placed our sweaty arms around each other’s necks 31

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and fidgeted, stabbing at the turf with our cleats. I looked at my teammates, one by one, as if I was back home in Pittsford at the dinner table, waiting for my chance to talk. This was the seniors’ time, their last shot, and I was respectful of the team’s hierarchy, being ready when they needed me and stepping back when they didn’t. No one was louder or more insistent than the youngest of seven, and I decided that they needed me now, that some words were best said in my voice. Rearing my head back, I roared: “We are not losing to UNC!” When I lowered my face I saw everyone was looking at me. Coach Burleigh mentally threw out whatever speech she’d prepared and said, “Okay then. Let’s go.” We ran out, whooping and slapping palms, and when the final buzzer sounded, my proclamation had come true: The score stayed steady, and we had won. In that moment, buried beneath a pile of screaming teammates, it was so easy to trust that my voice would never fail me.

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LESBIAN

ONE NIGHT, I DECIDED TO

tell my teammates that I

was gay. They suspected something, I was sure of it; I’d heard them whisper, but not in a mean way. They were just curious. I was scared, but then I thought: “Gay” is only one part of who you are, and you should be as vocal about that as you are about everything else. When I told them, they couldn’t have been more relaxed. “I knew it!” they said, laughing, and then moved on to the next topic of conversation. I still had my long blond ponytail, and guys hit on me regularly. Early sophomore year, at an athletes’ party, one approached me. He was big, six-two and 33

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about two hundred pounds, and he told me his name was Are—spelled like the verb, but pronounced like the letters: R.E. For the next three hours, we talked and eventually concluded, with mutual delight, that we were the loudest, most obnoxious people in the room. “I need to tell you something,” I finally said. “This isn’t going anywhere. I like girls.” “That’s cool,” he replied, and from then on we were inseparable. I decided Are was me, exactly, in a slightly bigger body. He was my wingman as I negotiated my first “out” adult relationships. At a party early my sophomore year, I spotted a girl with long dark hair standing quietly in the corner. Her name was Nikki and she was a nationally ranked tennis player, and knew all too well the pressure of being forced to perform, the feeling of hating the very thing that brought you love. We connected over our mutual determination to have a life outside our sports, to be more than who we were on the court and the field. She was three years older than me, inching closer to deciding what she wanted to do with her life, and before long I was hoping, slightly terrified, that those plans would always include me. Our relationship reminded me that I needed to 34

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have a life outside soccer, and Are was a willing partner. When I wasn’t with Nikki or on the field, he and I were sitting in my dorm room playing video games. He was as competitive as I was and always up for a contest. It was fun, never a battle. My astrological sign is Gemini, and I have true twin personalities, always at odds with each other. On my right shoulder sat responsible, dedicated Intense Abby, serious about sharpening her technique and maintaining her fitness, always aware of her growing role as a leader on the team. On the left, whispering loud enough to fill both ears, was bad, rebellious Chill Abby, who argued that if I let soccer take over every aspect of my being, I would not be able to play at all. Despite Chill Abby’s triumphs, my game remained intact and the honors accumulated: two-time SEC Player of the Year, two-time SEC Tournament Most Valuable Player, first-team All-American three years in a row. I was on my way to setting a school record for goals, assists, game-winning goals, and hat tricks, and the national team coaches were taking notice. During spring of my junior year I was selected to attend camp in California for the U.S. Under-21 team. There we scrimmaged against teams from America’s first women’s professional league, the Women’s United Soccer Association, or WUSA. At the end of 35

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camp I was brought in to talk with Jerry Smith, the U-21 coach and the husband of Brandi Chastain, one of the stars of the 1999 World Cup–winning women’s team. I ran into Jerry’s office, eager for his assessment. “How do you think you did?” he asked. “Well,” I said, “I scored the most goals.” He nodded. “That’s the hardest thing to do. How did the rest of your game go?” There was something strange in his voice, as if it was a trick question, and I hesitated before I responded. “What do you think?” “Terribly,” he said. “You do the hardest thing to do in our sport better than anyone else here, but the rest of your game has a long, long way to go. You’re unfit, you’re a danger to the defense, and you’re only good at attacking when you’re in a scoring position. There’s so much more to the game. You’re here because you do the hardest thing the best, but if you want to stay with us you’ll have to try a lot harder or I won’t bring you back to camp. In fact, I’m not inviting you to the next camp. You have talent and I would love to invest in you, but you have to have more skin in the game.” I was quiet, considering his words. I longed for criticism, and yet I was reluctant to commit to what he asked of me. “Is this meeting over?” I asked, finally. 36

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“That’s it,” he said, and motioned toward the door. One month later, back in Gainesville, I sent Jerry an email. “I thought about what you said,” I wrote, “and it had an impact on me. If you bring me back, I’ll show you.” He responded immediately: He had been hoping to hear exactly that. My relationship with Nikki was as exhausting as back-to-back suicide runs. She’d graduated and moved to New York City, and we took turns dating long-distance and then calling it off. I was still insanely in love with her and desperate to make it work, but she was hesitant. I was the first girl she’d dated, and she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with a girl or a guy. I sent her love letters and gifts and offered to watch her dog, but I decided I’d never pressure her to come out to her family; I hadn’t even come out yet to mine. Intense Abby stepped in and argued that hard work and focus would be a perfect distraction from my romantic troubles. At the insistence of Coach Burleigh, who feared my poor fitness might ruin my shot with the national team, I made an appointment with Randy Brauer, a muscular therapist who trained the Gators’ football players. We met by the track, and Randy told me to run, observing me from 37

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the sidelines. After one lap he held up a hand, halting me. “Oh, no,” he said. “Has anyone ever taught you how to run? You’re leaving craters in the track.” Not only were my feet improperly positioned, but my body was tightly coiled: fists clenched, brows furrowed, mouth pursed, shoulders raised to my ears. I needed to relax and stop fighting myself. Intense Abby was nothing if not coachable, and within two weeks my steps were barely noticeable, quicker and lighter than they’d ever been. I tested them one day during a training session. One of Randy’s athletes, a starring center for the football team, made a judgmental comment as I sprinted past. I don’t recall what he said but I’ll never forget his tone. Even though I’m totally comfortable in my skin now, I’m still judged in similar ways—questioning looks when I walk into bathrooms or through airport security, looks that require me to make my voice higher to say “Hi,” and, if that fails, to declare, bluntly, “I am a girl.” It happens so often that it’s a joke to me and my teammates, yet a part of me—to this day—finds it hurtful, and wants people to pay better attention, to take the time to look. To see me. But back in college, such comments, intentional or not, were not funny at all. Standing on that track, I remembered how far I had come. Right then, I was 38

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not in the mood to be judged. The football player was a big boy, three hundred pounds, and could easily bench-press twice his weight. I ran down the field toward him with all I had, as if each step might be my last. He was on bended knee, studying his foot, and didn’t even hear me coming until I was on top of him, knocking him over and crawling onto his chest. I was kicking and growling as we flipped and rolled across the grass. When he finally escaped, I rose up and thought: Victory. I decided to take a step closer to becoming myself, so I told Are to cut my hair. He stood behind me, an electric razor in his hand. “Do it,” I ordered, and he turned it on. My hair dropped in long blond ribbons, forming a shag carpet on his floor. Are’s mother, Dena, stood to the side with tweezers. “You gotta teach me to pluck my eyebrows,” I told her, and she did, starting on the left. “Ow! Ow! Ow!” As she pinched and pulled, I forced myself to ask her a question: “What would you do if your kid was gay?” She stopped plucking and looked at my reflection in the mirror. “I would just hope they could find love and happiness,” she said. Smiling, I motioned for her to finish. *** 39

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The next day, Are and Dena sat next to my parents at my game. My mother gasped when she saw me. “Oh my gosh,” she said, elbowing my father. “Peter! I cannot even believe that’s Abby’s head. Oh my gosh. This is a tragedy!” “A tragedy is the Twin Towers coming down,” Are pointed out, “not Abby’s haircut.” The shock of my hairstyle was nothing compared to the news that I wouldn’t be graduating. With just a few months left of school, I was drafted by the Washington Freedom for the WUSA’s second season. My parents helped me pack up my life in Florida and move to an apartment on the outskirts of Washington, DC. I decided to take my mom to lunch at Chevys, a Mexican place near Pentagon City. I was sweating, the heat of my hands defrosting my chilled glass. She sipped her iced tea and looked at the menu. My heart thumped in time with the mariachi music. I could tackle a massive football player without hesitation, but I was deathly afraid of this woman. When I found my voice, it squeaked into the air higher than usual, and I felt like I was back in Pittsford, fighting against wearing dresses and surviving The Look. “Mom,” I said, and paused. “I’ve got to tell you something. I’ve been meaning to do this for a long time. I’m nervous, and I’m really sorry if this upsets you, but I’m a lesbian.” 40

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Her reaction was fast and unexpected. “No you’re not,” she said. My body straightened in the booth. “Yeah, I am.” “Abby, no you’re not.” “Yeah, I am.” She shook her head. “Abby, you just don’t know what it’s like to be in a relationship with a man.” “Mom,” I said softly. “I dated Teddy, remember, and I’m much happier dating girls. I’m dating someone now, a woman. I’ve dated a few girls.” Her expression was serious and sad, as though she was caught between recognition and acceptance. She opened and closed her mouth, debating her next words, and then said nothing. We ordered and ate, and for once in my life I didn’t know how to fill the silence.

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ROOKIE

EVERY DAY I WOKE UP

and said to myself: No one

controls me anymore. I made my own money, and it felt like a big amount for a twenty-two-year-old. I bought a chili-pepper-red motorcycle that I zipped around the streets of Georgetown. I made a few unfortunate fashion choices, growing my hair into a mullet and wearing a leopard-print cowboy hat. I was still on-and-off with Nikki, and she was still not out to her family; I understood but was getting impatient. I wanted a commitment, a plan for us. I wanted a future. I craved some comfort and familiarity, so I invited my old high school friend Audrey to live with me. Chill Abby and Intense Abby were in balance, 42

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neither one overpowering the other. Chill Abby still ate and drank whatever she wanted, but Intense Abby was determined to excel at her new job with the Washington Freedom, to keep getting called to the national roster. No one controlled me anymore, but I still thought: If I play well, my mother might forgive me for being who I am. If I play well, I might forgive her for wishing I were someone else. Despite feeling that, I became more open, and I came out to my Washington Freedom teammates without any hesitation. In fact, I made a joke about it, and everyone laughed, which was a big relief. The star of the Washington Freedom was Mia Hamm, member of the legendary ’99 World Cup– winning team and the most famous female soccer player in the country. Back in Pittsford, in my childhood bedroom, a signed poster of her held a place of honor over my bed. Mia’s popularity was the main reason the WUSA existed at all. She was eight years older than I was, six inches shorter, forty pounds lighter, much, much quieter, and infinitely more terrifying than she appeared. The previous year, during my official start for the national team, I was called off the bench as a late substitute in a friendly match against Germany. For the entire eighteen minutes I played, Mia yelled at me—Where was I going? Why wasn’t I moving? What was I doing?—and she 43

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approached me afterward, explaining that she knew I was tough enough to take it. Before our season began, Mia had surgery on her left knee and was projected to miss the first ten games. Still, she was at every practice and match, screaming from the sidelines, and whenever I left the field she suggested ways I could improve. I was leaning too far back, she said. I was going over the bar. I needed to remember to check my shoulder. I should use my big body as often as I could. I still wanted criticism over praise, so I absorbed everything she said. When the season ended, I was named the WUSA’s Rookie of the Year. Secretly, I decided that the honor signaled that I could stop pushing myself and do bad things like eat too much and not work out. Chill Abby took a step forward, becoming my dominant personality. I got lazy and my body forgot how to move the right way. April Heinrichs, the coach of the women’s national team, began excluding me from important games. One night she pulled me aside and told me I was unfit, I was slow, I was uncompetitive. If I didn’t shape up, and quickly, I wouldn’t be playing with the women’s national team. I would miss the 2003 World Cup, my first. I listened; I focused; I pushed Chill Abby away. I finished the Washington Freedom’s season with 44

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thirty-three goals, the most in the league, and scored the winning shot at the championship game—the “golden goal,” it was called, since it happened in overtime. Our celebration was short-lived; three weeks later, on September 15, the WUSA folded. The 99ers were beloved, but their fame was not enough to support an eight-team league—especially when the target audience, teenage girls, had their own games to attend. I was out of a job, and worried that we’d never be able to reignite that national passion for women’s soccer, that our sport was destined to fail, that no one would ever care about us or take us seriously. The World Cup was going to be played in the United States. Rides on the team bus were usually a big, crazy party, with my voice the loudest of them all; I channeled my nervous energy into singing (badly), dancing (even worse), and talking nonstop. Julie Foudy, another 99er and the captain of the national team, once gave me a T-shirt with the words: HELP! I’M TALKING AND I CAN’T SHUT UP. But this time the atmosphere on the bus was subdued, everyone discussing their private pressures and concerns. Mia and Julie were hoping that a World Cup victory might revive the WUSA; if they played as well as they had in 1999, the sponsors might invest again. A few days earlier, I had been profiled in the New 45

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York Times, with the headline calling me a “Mass of Woman,” and the article positioning me as a potential breakout star for the team. Intense Abby was hyperaware of the expectations all around—and within—her. I was the one piece that was different from the ’99 team, the new ingredient that was untested and unknown. We started with wins: against Sweden, Nigeria, North Korea, and Norway. Despite the victories, the crowds were small and quiet. People were preoccupied with football season; more than that, the ghost of the failed WUSA seemed to haunt each stadium. On Sunday, October 5, we faced Germany at PGE Park in Portland, Oregon, just a few miles from where I would one day live with my wife. From the beginning the game felt off, a dance where everyone was a half step behind. The day before, we had practiced set pieces, predicting how and where and when Germany would strike, but our opponents were not behaving as expected; they were delaying and cutting angles. I had a “mark,” the player I was supposed to cover (and, in Coach Heinrich’s words, “run over like a Mack truck”). Her name was Kerstin Garefrekes and she was five ten, just one inch shorter than I was, but lighter and leaner; my body could overpower hers in any showdown. I had studied the way she played and asked my teammates about her 46

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history, and I believed I could anticipate her every dodge and step. But somehow, in the first fifteen minutes, she moved in a way I didn’t predict, positioning herself near the post. On a corner kick, she found the ball before I did and banged her head against it, bouncing it off the crossbar and into the net. They scored twice more, and we didn’t score at all. No matter that my mark didn’t make the gamewinning goal; I allowed her to set the tone. That thought attacked me with every bit of strength I had, and I couldn’t stop thinking: This loss is your fault. It was the high school state championship all over again, and I wanted to disappear, to rewind my life back to a time before I ever pulled on cleats or headed a ball. Later that night, I spent hours in the shower, crying and beating my fists against the tile, but right then, my grief was private. I forced myself to stay on the field, watching my teammates cry while the Germans celebrated. I felt an arm drop across my shoulders and heard Coach Heinrichs say, “Come on, let’s go inside.” “No,” I told her, my eyes still fixed on the German team. “I want to remember this.”

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