Sixty-fifth year
Talent Contest Goes National Hey Lancer Cafe Talent Search participants — Why Stop there? The 5th annual American Collegiate Talent Showcase (A.C.T.S.) is offering a total prize packet of $6,000 to the top collegiate entertainer. Second place will receive $4,000 and third place gets $2,000. Other prizes include: Remaining finalists (4th-7th) — $500 each; performing alternate (8th place) - $500; video production merit award —$1,500; and, songwriting merit award — $500. (All video typed entries and original compositions are automatically considered for merit awards). Additional opportunities include: all entrants will receive judges' critiques and comments on their entries; top classical entrant will be showcased at the association college, university and community arts administrators convention in New York City; selected rock groups will be showcased at the "Ritz" and "The Palace" in Los Angeles; selected comedy winners will be showcased at Catch A Rising Star" in New Y>rk City; selected entrants will b; auditioned by Warner Brothers and CBS records; selected entrants will be auditioned by Teddy Pendergrass, President, Teddy Bear Enterprises; Television's
"Star Search" will audition all ACTS National finalists. Furthermore, all ACTS entrants are eligible to perform on a six week tour of overseas U. S. military bases — regardless of your competition placing! So how does one get involved in all of this? Entries may be submitted on audio cassette tape, V video tape or VHS video tape. Do not send reel to reel or Beta Video tapes. All entries must be postmarked by April 15,1986. For more information, contact Bob Cottrell at Lancer Cafe. The preliminary judging process runs from May 15-19 where all tapes are critigued and scored by region. The top three winners per region are selected in this phase (21 winners total). In the next step, the 21 regional winners are re-scored with their previous placing being disregarded. The top seven entrants from this phase go on to be National Finalists in Nashville, Tennessee on September 5 where they will perform live. In all phases entrants are judged on: technical excellence; treatment of material; professionalism; and career potential. Again, for more information or entry blanks, contact Bob Cottrell at Lancer Cafe, or call 1800448-ACTS.
Bands Raise Funds The Longwood Bands will hold a fund-raising Italian dinner and "Pops" concert on April 20 in the college's lower dining hall. The festivities, which will begin at 6 p.m., will feature a dinner of spaghetti, salad, garlic bread, beverage and dessert, prepared by the dining service's chefs. During dinner, entertainment will be provided by strolling musicians from the Longwood Brass Quintet and the Longwood Jazz Combo. Following dinner, a concert will be presented by the Longwood Concert Band.
TWENTY-ONE
TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1986
Included in the concert will be Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture, a medley from the Broadway musical "Cats," and The Planets by Hoist. "It will be an evening of fun and entertainment for everyone, and for five dollars and fifty cents the price just can't be beat," said Ralph Mohr, director of the Concert Band. Proceeds will benefit the Longwood Band Fund. For more information, contact Mohr at 3929368.
Rugby Club Wins 34-0 Hampsters Are Next The Longwood Rugby Club traveled to Lynchburg this past weekend in anticipation of a very tough game. Last year Longwood played Lynchburg City during Oktoberfest in a very close game. However, this year was a different story, Longwood came out on top with a very impressive win 34-0. The game started at a very slow pace with the first ten minutes looking as if Longwood was there just to be there. Then Phillip Casanae flurished with two strait tries. Phillip seemed to have started everything in the right direction. Longwood quickly started to play like a well disciplined team and ended up playing one of their best games ever. The whole team deserves a lot of credit for their performance. Also scoring in the A-side game was Tom Gonun and Chris Jacobs. Phillip Casanae added another two tries making it 4 tries in one game. Everyone on the A-side as well as B-side played an excellent game. The B-side kept up their undefeated season by winning on a tri scored in the closing minutes of the game by Alan Scalin. Way to go guys!! The next test Longwood will face are the men from HampdenSydney. longwood beat them last season 41-0 and is going to try and top that victory this year. We invite everyone to come out and support the I>ongwood Ruggers on the 17th of April at HampdenSydney. A special thanks goes out to all those fans who support us every weekend. The club has won three in a row and are trying to finish the season with no more losses. This task is not unreachable with the support of the fans and the school.
U-Cal Students TryTo Fire Chancellor About 2,000 U-Cal at Santa Barbara students have signed a petition to try to fire the school's chancellor. As a result, the Associated Students Legislative Council will vote in early April whether to put Chancellor Robert Huttenback's credibility to a test before students. The motion, which students say probably will pass, will have no binding authority. It's merely a statement of student feelings. "We got student signatures to show it's a student movement, not a student government verses administration conflict. Those are all too common," student officer Todd Smith contends. "The reason behind this movement is not one particular thing. It's his style," complains Rich Laine another council member. The petition is just the latest in a series of insults traded between the administration and the campus student government. "He runs the school like a business, but does not deal with the consumer — students," I^aine says. The administration, in turn, says the student politicians are attacking Huttenback only to try to recoup credibility lost to allegations of scandal and failures to read student attitudes accurately. Smith maintains students' ire began last spring when someone overheard Huttenback say he would flush down the toilet a student petition for divesting school funds in South Africa. "The context of the situation has been forgotten," asserts Betsy Watson, the campus' director of public relations. Students had forced their way into Huttenback's office, and demanded he sign the petition. Huttenback replied he would not be bullied, Watson says. The student officers reply the chancellor tries to get his way even when students disagree with
him by creating a student government of his own choosing and simply holding his own campus elections when legitimate votes displease him. Students maintain Huttenback subverted student government by scheming to get his way on a campus busing issue. Huttenback effectively overturned the results of an April, 1985, student vote against paying a fee for unlimited bus service in and around campus by staging a highly unusual polling on the issue at registration last fall. The chancellor used the results of the fall vote — done by checking off a box on the registration form — to justify imposing the fee on students. Watson says the administration made a procedural mistake by allowing the student government to take up the issue in the first place. "I think (student officers) are very embarrassed (by subsequent student support of the bus fee)," Watson speculates. "They feel they have to posture themselves to restore faith on part of their constituency." Moreover, Watson says the student government is still smarting from allegations made last fall that some officers mishandled student funds. But the ' officers charge Huttenback, unwilling to abide any political defeat by students, has created his own rump student government by reactivating a student advisory council, made up of about 10 students handpicked by the chancellor and the school's deans. Although the advisory council has no official power, "their symbolic power is tremendous," Smith argues, adding that Huttenback can use the group to demonstrate to the board of regents that he has the consensus of students on his policies.
Pag. 2 THE ROTUNDA TUESDAY, APRIL 9. 1986
My Page I am back! My loss of power was as educational as it was short. I have learned that the man who is in control is the man who has no peons below him; a staff is helpful, but not worth the trouble they cause. All responsible for the revolt have been punished. I have also learned that a great percentage within the Longwood community are completely mindless schweenies, wearing collars and waiting for a leash to lead them anywhere. The front page story, dated April Fool's Day, reporting my forced resignation, was a hoax. When they staff presented the idea to me, I said, "Nobody will believe this." How wrong I was. People who know me well were shaking their heads in sympathy. (Perhaps this should tell me something.) Anyway, something happened this week that bugs the heck out of me and I think some public humiliation is in order. Last Thursday there was a meeting of the Student Activity Fees Committee. This committee decides what percentage of the Student Activity Fee is given to student organizations like S.G.A., S.U.N. and The Rotunda. The committee has no auditing power or anything; they simply dole out money. The purpose of last week's meeting was to appropriate money for next year, but the poor, hopelessly powerless slobs of the S.A.F. Committee got bored and uppity. Traditionally, next year's editor would attend this meeting, since it is his-her money the committee is misering over. However, due to Publications Board delays, next year's editor is yet to be appointed. I could not attend the meeting, because there was a death in the family that I am trying to marry into. A Rotunda staff member was sent to answer any questions that the committee might have. Now the fun begins. The committee, without precedent, began asking detailed questions about this year's budget, questions that could only be answered by me (due to the sophisticated management system
IT'S HERE! W
^0 ^
which gives me Absolute Power and exclusive embezzling capabilities). The Rotunda staff member employed internationally accepted "po'man's tactics" (ask for a million to get a buck and change), an angle used by every department head in every beaurcracy since Cicero headed the Ministry of Ego in Ancient Rome. Anyhow, the committee received the false impression that The Rotunda was completely broke; the fact is that a great year for advertising and our policy of "restrained embezzling only when needy" has left us with money coming out of our goo-goos. The once powerless S.A.F. paper-pushers decided to take action (aren't we testosterone-laden). Professional appointee John "Hey, toilet paper works just as good on your nose" Pastino (S.A.F. Committee Chair) was dispatched to "stop The Rotunda now", before we could spend more money we didn't have. Pastino went to see Dean of Students Sue "Take Charge" Saunders. Picture this: Sophomore student John Pastino (who, by the way, was fired from The Rotunda staff this semester for repeatedly using darkroom equipment and supplies for his photography class) walks into the Dean's office with nothing but a title and misinformation. Pastino must carry some weight around here because Saunders made no effort to confirm his story. Saunders told me that she called me, but I found no message on the answering machine. "Maybe I didn't leave a message", Saunders said, but I told Barb Gorski to call you." Thanks, Sue. Saunders recommended to neomaxizoomdweebi Pastino that he call The Farmville Herald and tell them not to print anymore Rotundas. No confirmation, no phone calls, no looking at the books, just "cut off The Rotunda." A sophomore's phone call would not stop The Herald from printing our paper, even if it did, I would go to another printer. Saunder's resume claims a background in journalism. Surely she knows that the Supreme Court slaps down every administrative attempt at closing down a college publication. more than they are allowed; for the past several years, the paper has finished the year in deep debt. But as long as printers and suppliers offer charge accounts to The Rotunda, as they have been doing for 65 years, overspending will be possible. Nobody in the universe has authority over The Rotunda except the Publications Board, not the Dean of Students, and certainly not some sophomore schweenie. Only the Publications Board can exert power over the potentially reckless editor. The Publications Board has not met once during this entire year until last month (to choose next year's editor). I have enjoyed my freedom, but the future may show that overspending is a comparatively minor misuse of an editor's power. The Publications Board should reorganize and get off its collective butts now instead of waiting for a real journalistic travesty to occur.
IROTIUNDA
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APRIL 12, 1986 PRESENTED BY STUDENT UNION BOARD —All Activities On Lankfford Mall— • 12 NOON GRAND OPENING Opening of the 2nd Annual Chili Cook Off". sponsored by ARA Dining Services. • 12 3 00 THE GOOD GUYS"; Progress rock music. • 1:30 AND 3:00— THE CATALINAS SPRING WATER SHOW. • 1 30 UNTIL 3:00 PARENT/STAFF DESSERT IN LANCER CAFE. • ALL DAY- volleyball torunament. tog of war battles, and ralay competitions, organized by the IAA • 8:00- VOLTAGE BROTHERS: Her Field
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H-SC Professor To Lecture TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1986 THE ROTUNDA
LANlfiER jPQRTS
Holding Reaches For 200 Sometime within the next two weeks Longwood baseball coach Charles (Buddy) Bolding will lead the Lancer baseball team to its 200th victory. The 200th Longwood win will also be Bolding's 200th career coaching win on the college level. Heading into a game at Duke April 7, Bolding had coached Longwood to a record of 197-87-2 over eight seasons. Since longwood's first team finished 013 the year before Bolding took over the reins, the Bedford County, Virginia native has been at the helm of every Lancer baseball victory. Bolding has seen Longwood baseball develop from Division III to Division II. Along the way the I^ancers have been nationally ranked and have advanced to two NCAA Division II tournaments and one Division II World Series. Three Ixmgwood players have also earned All-America honors and two have been named Virginia College Division Player of the Year. Honors have also come Bolden's way. South Atlantic Region Coach of the Year in 1982,
he was picked as Virginia College Division Coach of the Year in 1984. He was also named to the Olympic Tryout Staff for Virginia in 1983. A graduate of Milligan College and the University of Tennessee, Bolding began his coaching career at Staunton River High School, his alma mater. He guided the Bedford County school team to a 47-22 mark in the three years before coming to Longwood in 1978. All seven of Bolding's previous Longwood teams have had winning records and the current edition is 18-7-1 and ranked 20th in Division II. Ashby Near-Perfect Highlight of the week for Longwood was the pitching performance of senior Todd Ashby in Saturday's win over Hampden-Sydney. The lefthander allowed just one hit and walked one while striking out five. In all just two Tigers reached base. Senior Todd Thompson ripped a two-run double in the fifth when IiOngwood came up with six of its seven runs.
The final lecture in this year's Faculty Colloquium at Longwood College will be given by Dr. Stanley R. Gemborys, professor of biology at Hampden-Sydney College. Dr. Gemborys will speak on Wednesday, April 9, at 7:30 p.m. in Wygal Auditorium on the Longwood campus. His topic is "Changes in the Land: Understanding History Through the Artist's Brush." The lecture is open to the public at no charge. The town of Eaton, New Hampshire, and surrounding
countryside are the focus of Dr. Gemborys' lecture. Founded in 1766, the town experienced rapid population growth, he said, but "then slowly declined in response to changes in the strength of its agriculturally based economy." By comparing contemporary photographs of the area with 19th century landscape paintings, Dr. Gemborys will "demonstrate the drastic changes in land-use and other changes that have taken place." Dr. Gemborys is a graduate of
Marching Band?_
Marching oand Has come to Longwood. starting the fall semester of 1986, the Longwood band will be expanding to Include a marching band. An extension of the concert band, the marching will run concurrently with the concert season. Members will play In both groups. Rehearsal times will be at 2:30 • 3:45 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and 7-9 p.m. on Tuesdays. The classls music 209 and more information can be obtained from Ralph Mohr In the Wygal musk building.
Dartmouth College and holds the Ph.D. in botany from Auburn University. He has received National Science Foundation grants for summer study in marine biology and tropical ecology in Bermuda and at the University of Puerto Rico. He also received a fellowship for study in forestry at Harvard University. He has been a member of the Hampden-Sydney faculty since 1967.
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Intramural Update PAST EVENT WINNERS: Spades - Hill-Shelkey CURRENT EVENTS: The Softball Tournament is now in full force. It will be a couple weeks before the finals, so come out and cheer on your favorite team. Superstars team competition began last week. There are 4 teams participating. Call* way's Kids are currently in first place but there are several events left. COMING EVENTS— Please join in the IAA fun for Spring Weekend! The classes will compete in volleyball, relays, and tug of war. Come by Her Gym and sign up on the bulletin board to compete. The more people that paticipate; the more fun you will have. So grab a friend or two and sign up now! FRISBEE GOLF - will be starting soon — Check Her for details — This will be fun!!
Pago 3
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SPRING WEEKEND KICK-OFF LANKFORD MALL — THURSDAY — APRIL 10 — 4:30 DJ WITH BEACH & POP MUSIC
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CONTESTS "Beachwear" — "Savage Tan" — "Bathing Suit"
PRIZES (EACH CONTEST) 1st.- Ticket to, (Plus poster of) Voltage Brothers*. 2nd.- Large pizza and two large cokes. VALUABLE COUPON CLIP and SAVE
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Pago 4
THE ROTUNDA
TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1986
LANQER §PQRT§ Lewis Looks To Ireland ByHOKECURRIE In the movie "The Man Who Would Be King" Sean Connery and Michael Caine use their knowledge of military tactics to gain wealth and power in a primitive country. Today, Americans are using their basketball ability to gain tremendous popularity, if not wealth and power, in Ireland. "For an American basketball player in Ireland it's almost like you're Michael Jackson walking down the street," says Longwood College senior basketball player I-onnie I>ewis, who just returned from a junket to Ireland. "American basketball players are big heroes there. The Irish people are amazed by our abilities, especially things like dunking and shooting." I^wis journeyed to Ireland as a member of the Caroline AllStars, a group of small college cagers from Virginia and the
"It was wild after games," he said. "We had to sign hundreds of autographs and the gyms were so packed that you couldn't take the ball out of bounds. The refs were very understanding. They would let you bring the ball in from on the court." The All-Stars compiles a 4-3 record playing in places like Cork, Sligo, Port Arlington and Dublin, in gyms that held several thousand fans. Lewis more than held his own. He won a spot on the first five and scored in double figures in six of the seven games. His performance and the reception he got from the Irish fans have convinced Lewis that he wants to pursue a career as a professional player in Europe. "I talked to coaches from several different Irish pro teams and one from a British team," Lewis explained. "They seemed interested in me. The coashes are looking for players who can score
I>ewis' team beat "Yoplait" of yogurt fame in a tournament in Dublin. Perhaps the most successful team in Ireland is Burgerland. "Burgerland gets the best Irish players to go with their American players," said Lewis. "The teams in Division I can have just two Americans. The Americans usually balance each other out. It's the ability of the Irish players that separates the best teams from the average ball clubs. "The teams are really built around the American players, and they expect us to dominate the games. They might consider less than a 30-point performance an off-night for the top Americans." Lewis said the thing that
impressed him most about Ireland was the absence of crime. 'The police don't even carryguns." he recalled. "They have no crime whatsoever. I onlyheard a siren one time while I was there and that was an ambulance. The Irish people are completely honest." Americans playing on the Irish pro teams are from small colleges like Western Michigan, Armstrong State, Pfeiffer and Newberry. Players can earn from $350 to $600 weekly in a season that lasts from September through March. Free transportation, housing and two meals per day are also sometimes part of the deal. Some of the top Irish pros end up playing in Italy or France where
the salaries are a bit mor£ generous. For I^wis and other interested American college cagers it's a matter of wait and see until summer when the signing period arrives. "It's pretty much of a waiting game now," said tewis. "I feel confident I'll get an opportunity to play in Europe, but I won't know for sure until June or July." A business major at Longwood, I>ewis plans to finish his degree requirements in summer school and then begin a pro hoops career in Europe. If he gets the chance, Lewis should have no trouble lighting up the scoreboard and keeping the eyes of Irish basketball fans smiling.
^ngs^ominion k/ee/widand Sanwwi $06 Opppdiwilui Positions also available for weekends only (Saturday and Sunday) and Saturdays only throughout the season.
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Above average compensation. Entry level positions begin at $3.60 per hour. Returning employees from 1985 earn $3.70 per hour. Food Service employees earn an additional 25* per hour end of season bonus. Many positions pay more (see below).
• A schedule of 35-45 hours per week in the summer. • Time off for vacations. • An opportunity to gain valuable job experience. • Opportunities for advancement and promotion to supervisory positions. • Internships available.
ADDITIONAL PAY INFORMATION Carolinas. The All-Stars played seven games in six days against Irish professional and all-star teams. Former Winthrop College coach Neild Gordon led the team and organized the trip. Other members of the Carolina AllStars were from Winthrop, Newberry, Presbyterian and lender Colleges. I>ewis was amazed at the welcome he and his teammates received. The 6-3 guard probably got more attention from the fans in Ireland in one week than he received during his entire college career. The Richmond native scored 1,425 points in four years at Ixmgwood.
more than anything. They play a run and shoot style of basketball." Scoring has always been lewis's strong point. The third leading career scorer in Ix)ngwood history, he averaged 18 points per game for the 14-13 I-ancers during the past season. In Ireland he scored well against mostly zone defenses. Like all of the European professional teams, the Irish play under international rules. Scores such as 103-99 and 106-101 were the rule rather than the exception in games between the Carolina All-Stars and Irish teams. The Irish pro teams are sponsored by various businesses.
POSITION
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PAY RATE PER HR.
POSITION
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Security
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y^ How*l Interviews are held at the Kings Dominion Personnel Office Monday through Friday. 2:00 p.m. -5:00 p.m. • Saturdays, 9:00 a.m.-12:00 Noon For a brochure on employment and pay Information, call (804) 876-5373 or write to: Kings Dominion, Personnel Department Box 166 • Doswell, VA 23047
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TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 1986 THE ROTUNDA
Page 5
FacultyFollies Raise Funds APO revived an old tradition at Longwood last week by hosting an event dubiously deemed the Faculty Follies. The "Follies" are a showcase for members of the faculty to exhibit their individual talents. APO, a national service fraternity, used the "Follies" as a fundraiser for the Farmville Volunteer Fire Department. At the end of the evening it was announced that $100 had been collected for their worthy cause. The evening's entertainment showcased some rare moments of ingenuity and originality, a rare sight at Ixmgwood. Even President Greenwood was able to join in the fun. The faculty members who were featured were: Nancy Anderson and her square dance buddies; the proverbial wit of Dr. James Helms; our Finnish professors Pipsa and Rista Nieminen performed a folk dance; and Nancy Huffman from the P.E. department. It was a bit of a disappointment that more of the faculty chose not to participate, but this didn't take away from a good show. Undoubtably the highlight of the show was the gyrations of the Pointless Sisters, who almost caused a riot before their encore.
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An "On-The-Ground Newspaper"
Number
Helter Shelter Have you ever been jolted from your sleep with visions of nuclear annilation? Does a sudden test of the Emergency Broadcast system raise the hairs on your hieny. When the fire sirens in town scream, do you take a quick stutter step towards your drug supplier. Well cream your jeans no more, wipe that drop of sweat from your inner thigh, the Cowpie staff has cut through the red tape to discover the safest, most impenetrable place to go in case of a nuclear attack on Farmville. The Dabney Lancaster Library (located between Grainger and Jarman) is equipped with Farmville's largest nuclear fallout shelter. John Pastiny, self-appointed Czar of Students Combined Retroactively to Order the Termination of Unilateral Molification, (SCROTUM) has organized a group of nuts to post signs and flyers. These notices are designed to inform the longwood community of the location of the library.
The Lancaster Library has approximately enough canned and dried food to nourish six hundred students for a two-day period. However, ARA employees will not be allowed to use the facility due to the possible violent recriminations such a panic prone situation could spurn. The one exception is Tina, the infamous I.D. enforcer. She has been exclusively hired to guard the private escape hatch (pictured) to be used by Phyllis Mable and Janet Greenwood. The underground passage connects Longwood to Washington. Through an intricate system of levers and pulleys, Janet Greenwood and Phyllis Mable will be jettisoned to Washington for the post-nuclear decision making process. Students can rest assured that the gargantuan effort of post-nuclear rebuilding will be in safe, strong hands as Barb Gorski will remain surrogoat in charge. The transition should be easy because Barb Gorski has been in charge of everything all along anyhow.
COWPIES "First Annual Free Pizza Fiesta" FREE PIZZA-FREE PIZZA-FREE PIZZA We have the scam! As you know Domeno's Pizza has just opened a new franchise in Farmville. The pizza chain offers free delivery and guarantees you a pizza in 30 minutes or less. If the pizza is late, you get it for free- NO CHARGE- FREE PIZZA! Now Domeno's is just starting out and they are having a rough time of it. This is how we take advantage: At 8:00 pm on Tuesday, April 8th, everyone in the Cowpie reading area will call and order a pizza. By our calculations, Domeno's will be so overwhelmed with the orders that 89.7% of all of us who order will receive a free pizza. Pretty neat, huh?
Last Minute Business... He rearranged himself so the hair that was pulling eased itself from the moist sweaty squeeze. Harvey Kramer, who died on February 25, was survived by his wife Flo and two sons I^ance and Brewster. He continued his scanning — mentally adding the ages — trying to compile a median. He remembered the time his grandfather walloped him for stealing toothpicks. Why toothpicks? He quickly forgot the reason as the accompanying chills brought blood to his face, and instigated a painful smile. The cold water shocked his skin before it randomly gravitated to the oval bowl. Why are the obituaries always right before the television schedule? Is it so you can check out who died knowing that their old movies will soon grace the tube? Thank God for perforated 2 ply toilet paper, or "bathroom tissue" as it's called in homes with swimming pools. His tendency was to use too much. There is nothing worse A high tech engineer type dude prepares to be Jettisoned; thereby than a clogged drain with a turd testing forthwith and outright the complex system of pulleys, levers, spiralling counter clockwise and vacuums. towards the brim. He lowered his abdomen, and dragged the meticulously folded paper in the patented cleansing motion. He suddenly snapped his head upwards, as the shocking sound of hardwood rattling along the metal bars broke his mental occasion, Janet said "This is like Bv ANARCHY MITOSIS wanderings. His time had come. Contrary to popular belief, deja vu — I feel like I've been Time to join Gary and Linwood Janet Greenwood DOES know here before, in another life or was the torturous thought his something." where Longwood College's The sighting was made by an mind kept imposing on him. campus lies. onlooker who There would be no stay, no last Although there was no oblivious smoke. Although he had photographer on location to commented to a companion (who previously entertained the capture the moment, she was happened to have connections in illusion of asking for a nonsighted in Lancer Cafe on March high-up places) "Gosh! Judging existant brand. 28,1986, at approximately 5 p.m. by the heavenly-like aura she The only decision left was to during the faculty Happy Hour, emits, she MUST be a movie star walk or to be carried. As the chatting with various members or at least a VJ on MTV!" The whole affair was followed vicelike girps constricted the of the faculty (who wish to blood in his elbows and ankles he remain anonymous, mostly due by an autograph-signing session knew he would sit one last time, to the fact that half of them did in the Cafe lobby, attended by but when he looked down it sure not recognize her at first . . .) throngs of groupies wearing as hell wouldn't say American When asked to comment on the "Janet" T-shirts and buttons. Standard.
A Janet Sighting
Resurrection Next to the stars and stripes, the symbol which typifies America most is the Statue of Liberty., Our gift from France has greeted literally millions of immigrants as they entered the land of promise. Who would have thought that 100 years later the statue would have needed such a costly, and massive restoration effort? "Give me your tired, poor, and a couple of bucks to fix me" the statue seemed to cry. The task of refurbishing this huge shrine was cast upon public and private funds. Certainly, there was little questioning that she needed more than a coat of paint and a little Dolish. Besides private donations and non-profit fundraising activities it is clear that a major portion of the funding has come from business. Yes! Now the symbol of America can be found on everything from snuff to packages of film. One must simply reflect on the 1984 Summer Olympics sponsorship practices to get the picture. We've all mentally visualized 10 American world class athletes sitting around a table stuffing themselves with Wonderbread PBJ's. And remember Kid's Wonderbread builds bodies 10 different ways! Ya right — starting with your fingers as you pry the masticated goop from the roof of your mouth. Is it right to let any product embellish itself with the Statue of Liberty's likeness, just because it's donating a miniscule percentage to the relief fund. No holds were barred in Olympic sponsorship. Every product which contributed soon became "the "official" supplier of itself to the U.S. Olympi'. team. By the beginning of Km 84 summer games almos. every newspaper and television ad had the "official seal" boasting the sanction of the U.S. Olympic team. Manufacturers of products that Olympics athletes wouldn't dare use, jumped on the bandwagon anxious to share the good publicity. Well then, is it right to have the Statue of liberty enrained on the lid of Skoal Snuff ( a product which is undoubtedly detrimental to one's health)? Nevertheless, with the restoration almost finished it is clear that the fundraising efforts have been extremely successful. Our country gave, and gave generously to restore our proud visage. But, this joyful resurrection has also sporned the deceitful and greedy folly of a few manipulative shisters. The resurrection is not merely a physical one, but also a spiritual one. The past two years have re-awakened the nation's conscience to the Statue of Liberty's deeper meaning, and
are shaped like you know who. Beer mugs, roll-on deodorant, key chains, umbrella handles, cologne dispensers — you name it; have all become vehicles by which the form of the Statue of Liberty has meant cash for an unscrupulous few. Surely the most heinous extrapolation of this trend belongs to a company we can't name. This company is marketing a birth control device named "Lady of Liberty." It is declared to provide "new sexual freedoms." The obvious use of double entedre hardly overshadows this unique spikedribbed condom. However, the most preposturous idea comes from recently deposed chief fundraiser Lee Iaccoco. A chagrined Iaccoco announced last week that Chrysler Motor Corp. was going ahead with production of its new sports model the SLII. Reportedly, the car will be shaped like the Statue of Liberty. Iaccoco held a press conference to discuss the details just two days ago. After a brief outline of the specs, Iacocco went on to discuss possible drawbacks of such a project. "We are having a few problems with aerodynamics and image" Iaccoco muttered. In reference to image Iaccoco stated "We're hoping that the American male won't get hungup about driving inside a woman . . »»
1 Canlanniai ComnwrnwiitM Slatua ol liberty. Signed limited edition. Called ol bonded b'onze and marble in me u S A Includes Certificate of Authenticity signed by Lee lacocca IS" higft Giftboied Barrett Colea an ol'icial licensee ot The Statue Ol Liberty — Ellis Island Founda:ion will donate a percentage ol the proceeds to the restoration lund (8 lbs ) 69S01AN 150 00Your Colt MM*
SALE i37 60
have once again engrained its image into the public's eye. Now, since we're all again aware that the torch on Ellis Island is about to burn bright again it's time for fi few to exploit it. Someone once said that "America is a country of entrepreneurs "but does that mean that nothing is sacred? Apparently the answer is — yes. Madison Avenue types have grasped the current popularity of the Statue of Liberty, and are translating it into big bucks. I^et's peruse some of the items to hit the market of late. In the fashion accessory department, we have "Liberty" 24 carat gold earings. Also, there are numerous scale replica's on the market (pictured) including a table lighter on which — you guessed it — the torch actually flames. Some of you may remember those AM radios shaped like soda cans. Now they
Not to miss out on a quick dollar, foreign car magnates Renault and Lamborguini have announced plans for competitive new sports cars. The French will market a car shaped like the Eiffel Tower, and the Italians will market the aerodynamically superior Leaning Tower of Pisa model. Both companies say their cars are based on the idea that phallic images are aesthetically pleasing. These two models will purportedly integrate well with the SLII. ' We at tne u>wpie may be bastardizing our hypocritical oath by presenting an article with portions of truth in it, but we felt it important. The bottom line is that we have let "American business" debase the Statue of liberty's image. The amazing fundraising effort spearheaded by Lee Iacocca has raised 233 million dollars so far, but was it worth it? It has cost 90 million to resurrect Lady Liberty. Our federal government spends 90 million dollars every 45 minutes. With the impending 4th of July reopening around the corner we must ask ourselves wasn't the Statue of Liberty worth 45 minutes of our tax dollars, considering the alternative?
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AIDS Busters Comes To Longwood The Cowpie, in our unabashed wisdom, would like to announce the formation of a new club on campus. In correlation with our support of Lyndon Larusche for president and legislation pending in Colorado for mandating Aids testing — we invite you to become an AIDS BUSTER. Heterosexuals Unanimous, known in some circles as the Confederation against RumpPumpers, is opening a branch of their nationally recognized club at Longwood. Those wishing to join must simply fill out the form provided below, and return it to
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the Campus post office. In recognition of their new branch. Heterosexuals Unanimous has signified April 8 as Longwood's official AIDS BUSTERS DAY. The Cowpie urges all heterosexuals on campus to show their unity by wearing the official AIDS-BUSTERS BADGE on April 8. The first one spotted during lunch by our survey crew will win a free large pizza. The winner, and all those returning the membership forms, will be recognized in next week's ROTUNDA as Official Aids Busters.
• FREE * MEMBERSHIP
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1
Simply fill out the below form and return to
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BECOME A MEMBER
Heterosexuals Unanimous NAME DISPOSTION (Check one)
HETEROSEXUAL ["..]OTHER
IF OTHER EXPLAIN
I, herby do certify that the only time I have ever ben touched by a member of the same sex is the "Patented Cold Hands, Cough Test". Signature.
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RETURN TO: COWPIE. BOX 1133.
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Daye Announces New Album
Alternative Minimum Sanctions
Gerry Farwell Proposes Sin-Tax
Singing star and former recluse Doris Daye has finally Ed: Boy, Johnny, Gorski and Saunders and the rest of that group broken her silence with an emotional outburst last week. really covered the bases on those minimum disciplinary sanctions, Daye, the star of many movies of didn't they? I mean every possible offense was mentioned, every Cowpie: I see, before we ByX.CRETION the 50\s and 60's has been a conceivable punishment. There couldn't be any offenses left out. continue with this, your Outspoken and controversial recluse most of the 70's and 80's. Every possible... Johnny: Wrong Slater-breath. The Cowpie staff has discovered a pre-dawn television evangelist Irreverence, I must say that Ms. daye has been spotted only Gerry Farwall has approached there is a little piece of snot infrequently during the last few offenses and sanctions that were left off... the Reagan administration with a hanging from your left nostril decade, mostly by ardent fans Blind date with someone from the federal deficit cure-all: a tax and it's really bugging me. and mudslingers like ourselves. Burning the candle at both ends Farwall: It is not snot. Housing Office. aimed directly at sinners. Ms. Daye's last known public The Ireverent Gerry Farwall: Cowpie: Is so. appearance was in 1974, when she Burning incense to obtain a better grade Loss of matches i&i ««T.i-i; - ■ ■■* II !■ ■■■ Pooffatirvr\ I have dozens of Degrees and Farwall: Is snot . . . Darn, Castration offered the press a written Welding shut exit doors Give it back Diplomas from my school, okay, happy now? statement which suggested that if Stealing Kampus Kop ticket book an evening with Puberty U. in Lynchburg. Two of Cowpie: I am, but what will all races would intermingle more General Silliness in a serious situation Barb and Irwin these are Political Science and your Martinizing Man say? He often we would all have a nice Possession of a nuclear weapon Deportation Computer Science, both of these only works one hour a day you "coffee" colored skin tone. Nevermind were earned during Christmas know. Daye broke her 12 year silence Use of a nuclear weapon Locked out of room Break. Well, I was doing my Farwall: Look pecker, are you yesterday by announcing the Interference with roommate's copulation Master's Thesis on the old IBM, gonna interview me or snot? release of a new album. The LP is but this time the machine would Damn! entitled "Detente with Doris", Pets Dismissal not perform, it merely kept Cowpie: Heh-heh, Okay, okay. and strangely enough deals with Looking like one Public humiliation flashing "Syntax . . . Syntax . . Tell lme, your Irrelevance, what Strategic Arms reduction talks. Dating someone who looks like one .Svntax." At every step along the type of payment scale will this be Her only comment on the album Wood stoves in dorm Huka confiscated way. . ."Syntax." "Surely this is based on. came yesterday as reporters Farwall: I'm glad you asked a direct message from My lord. cornered her, curbing one of her Being stuck up General Acceptance The answers to America's the whole system is quite simple. poodles on Beverly Hills neighbor Being ugly and being stuck up Dismissal problems is a sin tax," Yahweh We're sorry, this interview has Charles Nelson Reilly's mailbox. been ceased, interrupted, vetoed said to me in his surprisingly "Violence, Violence, Violence — Making fun of CHI Position on Rotunda Staff fluent English. by unanumous dissention. that's all we ever hear about anymore", said Daye. She Overnight pets (hampsters) .... Free pregnancy tests and-or aids test. continued "Whaterer happened to the good old days when Dean Fart in the elevator April 12 Is Must moderate a conversation between Martin and I could pound a few Dr. Crowl and Ronald Reagan NATIONAL START SMOKING DAY martinis and make a "G" movie." Faculty: Her new album contains quite a Offering a better grade for sexual favors A good time few re-releases, and opens up Offering a better grade for money Some money Other services with "High Hopes" a obvious Offering a better grade for other services Private giggling reminder as to how we all felt as Wearing tacky clothing fteagan and Gorgachav held FOR SUMMER EMPLOYMENT hands and nuzzled on the banks of Administration: A better I^KC Geneva. The classic "Wish Coming to Longwood, knowing you will leave in a year resume upon a Star" is a blatant sardonic Promotion attack on Reagan's "Star Wars" Abusing students WAITERS i WAITRESSESdefense system. Throughout this Sticking your nose everywhere, general clicking Promotion See fire hazard record; Daye has mastered Wearing polyester R.&julaj' asstayimtoh to include af Wearing skirts up to breastline Private giggling presenting a highly charged /east one* UtZe^nijkt do sin a 5 biff per emotional theme by simply using Dear Cowpie: UJttk - - WerJ&Uu or- u/eek.etid possibU,. children's songs. The album What's the matter with the way (for those of you lucky enough to obtain one!), you would see that builds to a feverish pitch, and we dress? Personally, we didn't then Daye drenches us with think that article was very funny! Easter is obviously on April 6. BARTENDERSreality as the finale, "Que Sera Hey, you think we like shopping I don't know where you people Expertence, preferred j u/il{ be, Sera", reminds us of the current at Dollar General?! We're not get off trying to put Easter in March — even the notion of it is political rhetoric and realities. exactly making ourselves rich expex&d it) mork. cme> cccfafcU shift ridiculous. Next time, maybe Dear Cowpie: trying to teach you ignorant little ptr wejtk - - werhdajj or lOtzkcrtJ. . Recently my buddy and I were nose-up-in-the-air plebes how to you'll check your facts before you sitting up on the roof of South succeed in the big, bad world of go shooting your mouths off. The Student Handbook Cunningham looking at all the life. We're doing this because we THOSE SEEKING WORK SHOULD BE'' Planning Committee idiots on the roof of Curry. are dedicated to our profession Suddenly it occurred to me that if and we thought we'd like to pass a • RESPONSIBLE FOR ASSIGNMENTS I had a sniper's rifle of some little of our wisdom down to you •SELF-MOTIVATED Dear Cowpie: sort, I could probably pick one or ungrateful little snods. Did you guys know that the •WILLING TO BE FLEXIBLE two of those bronzed baffoons off. So until getting the Sears word gullible isn't in the However, my friend quickly catalog in the mail becomes the • TRUSTWORTHY i HONEST W/MANA6EMENT auJ. co-WORKERS reminded me that I would highlight of your busy little weeks dictionary? Oh my god you're stupid. probably get in trouble with the — get off our backs! Synic Simon INTERESTED PERSONS honor board if one of those people Some teachers SHOULD APPLY IKJ fell. I'd probably get charged Who are really kinda pissed. Dear Cowpie: with Admonition for throwing PERSON ! I just don't get it! things off the roof. Dear Cowpie: Dopey, No. 5 of Snow I'm a little confused on this What's this about Easter White's Secret Seven issue, since I would be being last weekend? You people responsible for their falling, but are so misinformed! If you would not directly involved with just take the time out to look at Dear Cowpie: I don't get it, either! FARMVILLE.VA. "throwing" them off. Perhaps your Student Handbook and Celebrate, you could help me out. Academic Calendar for 1985-66 But willing A concerned citizen
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