SWEETER
WHAT’S FAIR IN WAR? LOVE AND OTHER TRAGEDIES, THE TELENOVELA
THE WORLD WANTS THEM TOGETHER, FUCK YOU, WE DON’T KNOW THEIR BUSINESS. THE ZEN MASTER MAKES HIS WAY TO THE COUPLE’S DAUGHTER, SARAH — SHE’S NINE. ‘CAN I SIT HERE?’ HE ASKS. ‘NO,’ SHE REPLIES. ‘THAN I’LL STAND,’ THE ZEN MASTER ANSWERS AND CONTINUES, ‘I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO STOP CRYING.’ THE KID LOOKS AT THE OLD HEAD AND WOULD LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING GOOD LIKE, GET BENT, GO FUCK YOURSELF, EAT MIERDA CABRON. SHE CAN’T, SHE’S A KID, HOW ELOQUENT COULD SHE BE? INSTEAD — SHE SAYS, ‘YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.’ SIMPLE, EFFECTIVE, SHEEK. THE ZEN MASTER DIGS INTO HIS COAT AND FLASHES HIS CIGARETTE, ‘YOU SEE THIS? ARE YOU LOOKING AT IT? I QUIT TWO DAYS AGO AND YOU’RE PUSHING ME LADY. YOU ARE PUSHING ME,’ POCKETS THE THING, ‘LISTEN, IF WE’RE GOING TO DO THIS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE NONSENSE THAT HAS YOU ALL BOOHOO’D EYE,’ THE ZEN MASTER CONCLUDES. SARAH GETS UP AND LEAVES THE BACKYARD. THE ZEN MASTER IS LEFT ALONE WITH HIS CIGARETTE. HE KNOWS HE CAN’T SMOKE, HE HAS TO GO AND TALK TO THE KID. HE MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS SARAH’S ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR, AND IS MET WITH CONTENTION. ‘I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU,’ SAYS SARAH. ‘WELL, WE SHOULD TALK, BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO BE INVOLVED IN ONE ANOTHER’S LIFE FOR A LONG TIME,’ REPLIES THE ZEN MASTER. ‘WHO ARE YOU? NOBODY KNOWS YOU, BITCH. LIL BITCH. OLD HEADED ASS, BITCH!’ SARAH SPITES. ‘I TOLD YOU WHO I AM, I’M THE ZEN MASTER. THE CLAIM HAS BEEN SUCCEEDED AFTER MANY YEARS WORTH OF RESEARCH AND PRACTICE, PRACTICE AND RESEARCH DEDICATED TO THE COMMITMENT OF BEING ZEN. SO, COOL IT, DUDE!’ THE ZEN MASTER BREAKS THROUGH, SARAH EASES UP ON HIM. ‘SO — WHAT OF WITH YOU, HOW YOU GET HERE, HOW DO YOU KNOW MY FAMILY?’ ASKS SARAH. ‘I REPRESENT A THIRD PARTY. YOUR PARENTS, THEY OWN EQUITY WITH A BIG TIME NETWORK, THE NETWORK AND YOUR FOLKS HIRED ME TO MONITOR, REGULATE, AND LOOK OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST,’ ANSWERS THE ZEN MASTER. SARAH AREN’T YOU CLEVER, ‘YOU’RE MY NANNY,’ SHE REPLIES. THE ZEN MASTER SNAPS, ‘HERE! TAKE MY GUN AND SHOOT ME. NO HARD FEELINGS KID, GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR BEST INTEREST, I NEED THIS GIG TO SPONSOR MY DRUG HABIT.’ TUCKS THE HEATER BACK INTO ITS SLEEVE. ‘YOU LIKE THAT? GLOCK 19,’ SNIFFS AROUND, ‘WHAT’S THAT? DID SOMEONE SHIT THEIR PANTS?’ A QUIET SARAH DID NOT SHIT HER PANTS. ‘SO — YOUR PARENTS WANT ONE ANOTHERS HEADS ON A PLATTER, BIG DEAL. YOU GOT ME IN YOUR LIFE, NOW. I’LL SEE YOU TOMORROW MORNING. WE TALK OVER SOME COCO PUFFS,’ THE ZEN MASTER HAS SPOKEN, MAKES HIS WAY OUT. ‘ZEN MASTER,’ SAYS THE LADY. ‘YEHHS,’ ANSWERS THE ZEN MASTER. ‘ARE YOU EVER GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT THE PICTURE GLASS, ON THE DRESSER?’ ZEN MASTER TAKES A LOOK, ‘THAT’S A SIGNED PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN PHOTO, PAPA TOLD ME HE’S THE ZEN MASTER,’ SARAH LEADS ON. ‘NO! YOUR FATHER IS WAY THE FUCK OUT OF LEFT FIELD, EXCUSE ME. DO YOU MIND IF I,’ ZEN MASTER PUTS THE CIGARETTE IN HIS MOUTH, GRABS IT, POCKETS IT, ‘I AM A ZEN MASTER, YES. PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN, HALL OF FAMER, GOOD MAN, HE QUOTED THE TALE OF OUR ORIGINAL ZEN MASTER. KID IS GIFTED A HORSE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, EVERYONE SAYS — ITS GREAT, ZEN MASTER SAYS — WE’LL SEE. KID FALLS OFF THE HORSE AND BREAKS HIS FOOT, EVERYONE SAYS, ITS AWFUL. ZEN MASTER SAYS, WE’LL SEE. A WAR BREAKS OUT, KID CAN’T GO DUE TO THE INJURY, PEOPLE SAY — LUCKY HIM. ZEN MASTER SAYS,’ THE ZEN MASTER LOOKS AT THE KID FOR ASSISTANCE, NOTHING. ‘POINT BEING, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO STAND IN BALANCE REGARDLESS OF GOOD OR BAD.
the grass appeared dry this morning. i step outside to water it. a few young fellas on bikes slide the brakes. ‘you’re the guy,'one of them says.
my location has been compromised.
‘we found him,’ says the other guy. ten seconds later, maybach sedans make their arrival. a big guy steps out of the vehicle, let’s call him, ‘the professional.’ we call him the professional because this is what he does for his green, his gouda, his can’t stop, won’t stop dollar dollar bill y’all!
the professional makes his way to me and places two bags at my feet. he reaches into his business coat, ‘no, to whatever you are going to say,’ i intervene. ‘but, you gotta let me do the thing,’ he responds. ‘no. i don’t want to hear it,’ i say. ‘i must read you these words,’ he insists and continues, ‘you must take these bags, and follow our instruction.’
‘i don’t do that stuff anymore.’ i answer. ‘but — why?’ jaw-locks and all that. ‘i always get into some sort’ve trouble whenever i get behind a toshiba,’ i answer. ‘no. no, toshiba. we bring you a fresh harvest,’ he responds. ‘you got that sweet-thing in there, man?’ i ask the professional. ‘you’re favorite, un-touched. you can break her off, make some money, and you ain’t gotta put your name on it or nothing,’ he responds. ‘i don’t know. these things rarely end well,’ i warn. ‘listen man, my boss gave me an assignment. if i don’t deliver, heads are going to freaking spin, you hear?’ he insists.
are you having a good time? do i bring you entertainment?
‘no, too dangerous.’ i plea.
the director steps out,
‘danger?' he makes his way to me. ‘this is no mystikal music video, man. i got the double ‘m’ sedans out, cameras to your left, cameras to your right,’
camera men and women show themselves.
‘a wide, a master, my close up is over there,’ the director continues, helicopters arrive.
‘see this shit. this is my high angle shot! live and direct! see these helicopters. that ain’t cheap! you must make!’ he continues, ‘for us, the people. for the young men and women sick of this pre-teen romance drama — we want a raw and unfiltered interpretation of the social diagram that implores a disruption from practitioners such as yourself. do you hear me at the door?’
the director’s an intense guy, he yells for a, ‘diet coke.’
an intern arrives with the soda.
he pops it open, takes a big gulp, crushes and tosses the aluminum.
‘so! what do you say?’ he asks.
‘it’s not an easy task you are requesting of me. money eventually loses its incentive value when there is a lack of enthusiasm from the participant. a task of this magnitude for what you are offering me will only lead to a shallow conclusion.’
he laughs. and laughs. the film crew laughs. he cleans up his tears. and concludes his laughter.
‘i like you and this whole gold versus passion thing you are doing. substance versus superficial gain. yes, i like this. we can sell this,’ he says.
‘no, i’m not selling you anything,’ i respond.
‘of course you are. it’s how guys like you and me eat.’ the director replies.
‘i don’t think you understand what i’m saying.’ i respond.
‘oh! but — i do.’ he says,
‘so!’ the director turns to the professional, ‘bigger bag.’
the cameras continue to record.
nothing is said, the reason, the director has one more line.
‘this makes sense,’ says the boom-operator. he is ignored.
‘it’s your line. this makes sense.’ the boom operator pleads. ‘be quiet, boom! i’m thinking about my line.’ says the director.
'this makes sense, is, your line.’ says the guy on the bike.’where’d ya get this amateur, culver city?’ the guy on the bike, mocks.
everyone on set chuckles.
the laughter concludes.
but — it’s only the beginning for the director.
‘ha. ha! haha! haa! who’s in charge of management?’ requests the director.
a child with the clipboard raises his hand. 'you! listen, and listen to me good! go over there and fire that man. and you fire him really, really, good! go to town on this guy. tell him to get the fuck off the set! tell him to go back to handheld videos on youtube, call him a cocksucker while you’re at it, have fun with it, you know. you’re a kid, be creative about the way you crush your subordinate. go!’
the twelve year old child walks up to the guy on the bike, an actor whom’s finally found a decent paying gig, all to be fired for his sense of humor. the child lays it on him pretty fair, ‘hey there, sir. i have to fire you.’
the director yells, ‘tell him to get the fuck off the set.’
‘get the fuck off the set?’ the child says to the actor.
the director responds, ‘its very important that you call him a cocksucker.’
‘get off the fucking set. ‘cuz you’re fired. you fucking cocksucker?’ says the child. the actor goes up the director, ‘you can’t do that.’
‘i’m the director, i can do whatever the fuck i want to do.’ he replies.
‘you’re the director. not the producer. the only person doing the firing here is the big lady. and you don’t look like you can sing much, muthafucker!’ the actor replies.
‘touché, the only person firing anyone here is the big lady, but i’m the director. you the actor, do whatever i say. and as the director, i direct you to go over there and figure out how to juggle. tennis balls! i need tennis balls!’ yells the director.
some intern arrives on set with three tennis balls.
'go, over there, i want you to juggle.’ the director says to the actor.
‘ain’t this some bullshit. no. i’m not going over there to juggle a damn thing,' replies the actor.
‘yes, you will. this is my direction to you the actor, if you the actor are not capable of following my direction, i must fire you. now, go. juggle for this man.’ the director says to the actor.
‘you don’t have to do that,’ i say.
‘no. he must. or you can leave my set. maybe, you’d like to call the big lady, talk to her about feelings and tragedies and whatever else candy-ass marshmallow bullshit you can think of,’ the director’s a mean son of gun.
check and mate; the actor could spend the next hour or two complaining to the big lady about the director and his power trip, but he would then run the risk of being looked at as a punk. less of a man for forfeiting the game of wits he and the director have found themselves in when he decided to showoff. the director was hired for a reason.
the actor makes a decision, he begins to juggle.
‘i thought so!’ the director says.
this was fucking brutal to witness, a director high strung on his power, production dollars down the drain, a scene that might not even make the final cut.
‘we’ll make a call, talk to the producer, tell her the deal, we bring more and you will make. take this bag. here’s a hoodie. we got hats too. hat! i need a hat!’ yells the director.
‘YOU’RE
A LIAR AND A THIEF OF HEARTS. I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU, AGAIN.’
HALLOWEEN ARRIVES AND A CELEBRATION TAKES PLACE AT A LOCAL ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR SCHOLARS. FACULTY, EDUCATORS, AND CHILDREN DRESS UP FOR THE DAY OF HORROR. ARRIVES A FOURTH GRADE TEACHER IN A DINOSAUR’S COSTUME, BUT NOT JUST YOUR COMMON TRICERATOPS NOR TYRANNOSAURUS, IT’S A ARCHAEOPTERYX, A FLYING DINOSAUR. OUR SENSE OF HUMOR IS EITHER THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL MANKIND OR THE REASON TO STICK AROUND AND SEE WHERE IT ALL GOES. A CHILD WALKS UP TO HIS TEACHER, ‘WHAT’S YOUR COSTUME?’ HE ASKS. ’I’M AN ARCHAEOPTERYX, A PRIMEVAL BIRD,’ SHE ANSWERS. THE KID CONTINUES WITH HIS INQUIRY, ‘WHY’D YOU WANT TO DRESS UP LIKE A BIRD FOR HALLOWEEN?’ FAIR QUESTION, WE’VE SEEN ALL SORTS OF COSTUMES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE TRADITION, A BIRD’S A LITTLE OUT OF THE ORDINARY. ‘NOT JUST A BIRD, WE’RE TALKING A 100 MILLION YEAR OLD DINOSAUR.’ SHE REPLIES. THE KID DOESN’T GET IT, ‘I DON’T GET IT,’ HE SAYS. ‘I THINK DINOSAURS ARE SCARY, SO I DRESSED UP AS ONE FOR HALLOWEEN’ SAYS THE TEACHER. A KID BUDS IN, ‘I DON’T THINK BIRDS ARE SCARY.’ ALMOST INSULTED, ‘OH, NO?’ SHE REPLIES AND CONTINUES, ‘AN ARCHAEOPTERYX DIVES FROM THE SKY AT 80 AND HALF MILES AN HOUR, SNATCHES YOU FROM THE GROUND, TAKES YOU THREE HUNDRED FEET IN THE AIR, AND DROPS YOU TO A CERTAIN DEATH. THE BIRD MAKES ITS WAY DOWN AND EATS YOU! NOW THAT’S FRIGHTENING.’ THE KIDS SURROUNDING HER ALMOST NEED AN ADDITIONAL SECOND MAYBE TWO FOR THE INFORMATION TO REGISTER, THE KID YELLS A CRY AND THE TEACHER FINDS HERSELF NEGOTIATING SENSITIVITY TRAINING HOURS WITH THE SCHOOL’S PRINCIPAL. ‘SARAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’ THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL PLEADS. ‘I JUST FIND IT A BIT UNFAIR THAT WE HAVE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY ALLOWING KIDS TO RUN AROUND WITH MACHETES AND TOY GUNS, BUT I HAVE TO TALK TO THE HEAD OF THE SCHOOL FOR BRINGING UP FACTS ABOUT THE SORT’VE LIFE THAT HAS EXISTED ON EARTH MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO,’ SHE RESPONDS. THE GUY’S COOL, HE HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR TOO, ‘SHOULD I WRITE A LETTER TO THE STATE SUGGESTING WE GET RID OF THE COSTUMES AND DECORATIONS?’ HE REPLIES. ‘WELL, NO. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DEATH AND REPULSION. IT’S THESE LITTLE BITCHES,’ SHE ANSWERS. HOW DO YOU THINK ADULTS TALK? SHOULD AN ADULT CENSOR HIS OR HERSELF? THE GUIDELINES OF THE HOUSE, DO WE COMPROMISE OR DO WE KEEP A FIRM GRIP ON OUR INDIVIDUALITY? ‘HOW ABOUT THIS, WOULD YOU SPARE AN HOUR TWICE A WEEK FOR TRAINING? AND A LETTER TO THE CHILD’S MOTHER APOLOGIZING FOR THE ERROR.’ THE PRINCIPAL SUGGESTS. ‘ADDITIONAL HOURS? AND AN ASSIGNMENT FOR SOMETHING I DON’T FEEL I WAS IN THE WRONG ABOUT,’ SHE CONTESTS. ‘BUT — YOU’RE WRONG. YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY IN THE WRONG WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEONE ELSE’S CHILD. YOU DON’T HAVE SAY SO ABOUT WHAT THAT CHILD AND PARENT MAY OR MAY NOT FIND OFFENSIVE. FRIGHTENING, IN THIS CASE.’ HE ANSWERS. ‘WELL, NO. I DON’T WANT TO DO IT.’ SHE ANSWERS. ‘FINE, THAT’S FINE. IT’S OKAY FOR YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY, BECAUSE YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.’ THE PRINCIPAL ANSWERS.
the daughter of the divorced couple grew up to be a school teacher, gives a damn about people pretending to be useful. oh the joy of someone affording us to be around doing crap for lots of dollars per hour,
WE ENTER ONE ANOTHER’S LIFE WITHOUT SAY SO,
‘IT HAPPENED ON THE NIGHT,’ READS A BILLBOARD. WE HAVE TONIGHT.
‘LET ME SAY IT OUT LOUD, FOR US TO GET TO WHERE WE NEED TO GET TO,’ SAYS THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR, ‘WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS, SHE DOESN’T CONSIDER YOUR WORD,’ THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR SUGGESTS.
‘YES! NEVER LISTENS TO ME,’ THE HUSBAND ANSWERS.
‘SHE HAS TO CONSIDER YOUR WORD,’ THE COUNSELOR NOTES.
THE WIFE, YEAH YOU WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, KEEPING HER COOL, NOT A WORD FROM HER. GIGGLY’ ASS HUSBAND, ‘YES! WOW,’ BEING EXCESSIVE. THE COUNSELOR CONTINUES, ‘LIKE YOU NEED TO HEAR HER OUT AND CONSIDER HERS,’ HE CONCLUDES. THE HUSBAND AND/OR MAN OF THE YEAR, TWO YEARS IN A ROW INTERJECTS, ‘HEY —, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE,’ REEL IN AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.
‘CUT — !’ YELLS THE DIRECTOR.
STAFF GATHERS FOR A TEAM MEETING,
‘WHERE WE GOING WITH THIS, WE’RE IN THE SCENE, WE’RE OUT THE SCENE,’ SAYS A DUDE WITH A HEAD SET AND BOOM, THE TEAM, LOOKING AND THINKING,
the jeweler’s daughter grew up to be an actor, insert one of her social experiments, how do you feel about your girlfriend’s armpitsofhair? must shave, don’t care?
WAS A VIRAL VIDEO DOCUMENTING THE PUBLIC’S ANSWER TO THE QUESTION. MEN AND WOMEN, COUPLES AND SINGLES, WOULD ANSWER THE QUESTION AND LAUGH OUT LOUD WITH THE HOST, IT PUT HER ON THE MAP, NOW — SHE’S LEAD TO A MELODRAMA PREDICTED TO ENTICE A NEW GENERATION OF FILMMAKER.
WHAT’S YOUR NUTSAC about?
WAS SOME BOY THAT WANTED SOME BROAD TO CARE ABOUT HIM SO BAD! IF SHE AIN’T FEELING YOU, TRY HER MOM.
WE INTRODUCE SOME SUAVE DOCTOR SOPHISTICATED LIKE TYPE, ALLOW THE PUBLIC TO FALL FOR THE DUDE’S CHARM AND KILL HIM, BECAUSE ITS FUNNY. TAKE THE MOST LIKABLE CHARACTER AND ROB AUDIENCE MEMBERS OF THE GOODS. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, NOT ONLY ARE THESE TYPE OF FOOS FOR MAKE BELIEVE, MULTIMEDIA NETWORKS HAVE CONVINCED THE PUBLIC OF THEIR EXISTENCE. THE CASTING TEAM'S EFFORTS HAD BEEN EXHAUSTED, CANT FIND THE APPROPRIATE MATCH. NO SHIT,
BOYS THINK THEY KNOW IT ALL, ‘TOLD YOU, YOU DON’T LIKE NONE OF THESE KIDS ATTITUDES,’ WAS THE COOL FOO OF THE TEAM, HE KINDA KNEW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT, THE OLDER DUDES WERE JUST AS ROUGH, ‘THE FUCK YOU SO NERVOUS ABOUT!’ SAYS THE COOL FOO’.
SOME FUCKING ACTOR, ‘IT’S LIKE, I NEED THE ROLE. AND LIKE, I REALLY WANT TO —‘
‘DO WELL BECAUSE LIKE, EVERYTHING’S ON THE LINE, YOU — YOUR LIVELIHOOD, YOUR CAREER AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST YOUR BILLS NEEDS TO GET THE PAID, SON! LISTEN MAN, YOU FAIL, AND OUR SPONSORS HAVE TO QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT OUR LABOR’S WORTH THE EXPENSE. WE’RE ALL WALKING THAT TIGHTROPE, WITH YOU. GIVE US AN AWESOME AUDITION AND ALLOW US, FOR YOU, FORTUNE AND FAME.’ SAYS THE COOL FOO OF THE GROUP. PARAMEDICS CAME THROUGH, GUY HAD A HEART ATTACK, 36, WHAT A SHAME. ‘LOOK AT THIS! NONE OF YOU GUYS ARE FUN. NONE OF YA’ ARE CHARMING. ELROY, DUDE, YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE WITH YOUR H&M HOODIE AND LEATHER PANTS. WE SAID UNDER SIXTY, TO BE POLITE. AND YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T SEEN SIXTY’TWO IN A LONG TIME, MY FRIEND. DON’T — DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, IT’S SHOW BUSINESS, BABY, YOU KNOW THESE GROUNDS. BUT WE LIKE YA’. DON’T WE, GANG? WE LIKE YOU.’ SAYS THE COOL FOO’. GETS A CALL, PICKS UP THE PHONE, SOME LADY WITH A CLIP BOARD, ‘MAKE SURE YOU REMEMBER THE HUMIDIFIER FOR SUNDAY’S DINNER,’ GIVES HER A HEAD NOD, GRASPS HIS FIST, AND THE AUDITIONS CONTINUE,
PINCHÉ CHAVALO, KEEP THINKING THIS IS PLAY, PLAY. IS NO PLAY, PLAY.
MEET LILS, SHE’S AN AMBITIOUS WOMAN CONVINCED THE STAGE IS AN APPROPRIATE HOME FOR HER SPEECH AND LANGUAGE, IS AN INTERPRETATION OF A TIME, WAS A SCENE, WASN’T IT?
THE EXISTING LANGUAGE, ‘WHERE IS THE CULTURE?’ WOMEN WANT AS MUCH MONEY MEN ARE MAKING. GOES A THEORY REGARDING A NATION’S CONSTITUTION, THE EXISTING LANGUAGE. IT IS EITHER FOOS OR ERRBODY, I’M SAYING ERRBODY OR I’M SAYING FOOS, CUZ I’M NOT AFFORDING TO BE PRETENDING AS IF REPOSITIONING THE WHATEVER, DON’T READ THE FUCKING THING — THAN. FOOS RAISED THEIR DUMBASS HAND IN CLASS, IMMA GO WITH, AMERICAN. ANYTHING OTHER THAN FREE SPEECH, ARE THE DETAILS I DON’T HAVE TO OFFER MORE THAN ENTERTAINMENT. AMERICAN DIALECT BEING NOT FROM SPAIN, BLAH, BLAH, THE WORLD. YOU CAN’T FIND LONDON IN MEXICO LIKE YOU CAN’T FIND PARIS NOWHERE NEAR MEMPHIS, TEN A KEY! STARTED TO LET THE ‘ALMOST THERE,’ THING — BE, UNTIL I COULD RESHAPE THE LANGUAGE, LOTS OF THEORY AND INTERPRETATION WRITTEN ON A BILL THAT WOULD ADJUST A NATION’S AGREEMENT OF POWER, LIBERTY AND AUTHORITY, AS WELL AS — TRUST OF INTEGRITY & FAIRNESS FROM ITS CITIZENS, EXIST THE AMERICAN CONSTITUTION, LIKE MANY OTHERS, ITS LANGUAGE CONTRIBUTES SOME TO OUR NATION’S HARMONY. ERRBODY READ THE THING, WE UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER, IS SOME OF THE TRUTH,
LIKE, HEAVY CLAIM, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT WAR REGARDING CLAIM OF GOD’S LAW? THE HEAVENS REMAIN A MYSTERY TO CHANGED MIND FICKLE MORTAL FLESH AND BONE, YOU ASK ME. EXIST ENGINEERS THAT KNOW PLENTY ABOUT LAW AND NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT THEM, NO ONE, NOT ONE, NOT, ONE OF US HERE, THEY’VE DONE PLENTY FOR THE WORLD, DUDE, WE JUST PRETEND TO CARE, DON’T WE?
APPROACH IS NEVER ENDING, I THINK ITS LIKE THE RULE IN GOVERNMENT THAT COMPRESSES THE THING TO RED OR BLUE, REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT, WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT — APPROACH TO ACTING, A PERSONAL SINCERITY OR AN ABSOLUTE ADOPTION OF WRITTEN CHARACTER, ARE THE TWO EXTREMES FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE; PERSONAL SINCERITY OR AN ADOPTION OF TRAITS AND QUIRKS. TRAINED ACTORS GO, ‘YOU’RE — REWRITING MY CHARACTER, UHM, DON’T — DO THAT,’ AND SAY IT LIKE THAT, VERY SPOILED, VERY ENTITLED. CAN’T RE-WRITE THE CHARACTER, IS WHY YOU NEED A SQUAD TO SHAPE SCENES AND CHARACTER INTERACTION, GOES THEORY AND APPROACH, / HOW DID ANYTHING ON THIS WALL, / CRAZY, STUPID, THINKING.
THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, ‘THE PURSUIT’ BEING THE THING, IS WHAT I HEAR. NO ONE RINGS YOUR LINE WITH GOOD NEWS, ENCOURAGING WORDS, OR LOTS OF MONEY BECAUSE YOU WRITE THE FUNNY. WHAT’S THE WORD? WHAT’S THE EFFORT ABOUT? WAS SOME TROMBONE PLAYER LOOKING TO BANK BIG LIKE EVERY ONE OF US. POOR, LITTLE, TROMBONE PLAYER, WHO WANTS YOUR EXPOSITION ON CD-ROM? NOBODY, POOR, LITTLE, TROMBONE PLAYER. IS SOME MAGIC THAT EXISTS THIS TIME OF THE YEAR. COULD BE MIDNIGHT, COULD BE A FEW MINUTES AFTER, I THINK OUR MAN FINDS THOSE FIVE MINUTES AND FINDS A SUPER HOT BABY MOMS TYPE LADY TO FUCK. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS REEL IT IN. WE’RE NOT TALKING AN HOUR, NOT THIRTY, NOT TWENTY. WE’RE TALKING FIVE MINUTES WORTH OF A SOLO — AND THAT’S THE STORY, MAN! THAT’S THE TRUTH, CAN YOU HANDLE THAT? FORGET THE PLAY, OUR MAN NEEDS TO SQUEEZE OUT A KICK ASS SOLO, FOR THIS UNIQUE TALENT TO MATTER SOME TO SOMEBODY THAT’S NOT HIS ROOMMATE, IS AN OUT OF WORK TROMBONE PLAYER MAKING HIS STEAK SHINING SHOES IN THE BIG CITY, GUESS YOU CAN SAY, ‘LIFE BLOWS.’ FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES A STORY IS WRITTEN. A PRODUCTION MEANS PLENTY, BELIEVE IT OR NOT — PEOPLE WANT THE WORK, THE TITLE, THE ROLE, THE RESPONSIBILITY, NO MATTER HOW MUCH A MORNING RUN SUCKS, NO MATTER HOW LOATHSOME AN AFTERNOON MEETING MAY BE, NO MATTER HOW MUCH ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING WITH THE COFFEE, THE CRAFTY WITH THE CHEESE AND BAGELS, YOU KNOW’ THE GOOD STUFF, LOTS OF STRAWBERRIES, CANTALOUPE. IS THE POOL OF TALENT OUT THERE, CLOCKING THEIR HOURS FOR AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE SEEN, TO BE HEARD, TO BE CONSIDERED. SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF A SUCCESSFUL JEWELER, HER LIFE IS WAY BETTER THAN OURS, BRO! VACATIONS, WORKING FIREPLACE, LOTS OF JORDANS, BUT THAT’S LADY LUCK, KNAW-MEAN. WHAT BEING RICH GOT TO DO WITH IT? THAT’S A PERSON THAT FEELS LIKE WE FEEL. IT IS AN UNLIKELY MEETING OF TWO, BUT NOT SO RARE ALMOST CLICHE HOLLYWOOD TALE ABOUT THE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES TALENT AND SAD RICH GIRL PAIRING, PROMISING THE READER A NIGHT TO REMEMBER. THE PLAY’S AN OPPORTUNITY TO WRAP IT ALL TOGETHER. MEDIA MEMBERS LOVE A SCANDAL AND NO ONE’S BETTER AT MAKING HEADLINES THAN POPULAR FILMMAKER PIERRE DE’CABRINI. AN EMBELLISHMENT OF DETAILS REGARDING A CELEBRITY DIVORCE HAS LED TO PUBLIC UPROAR AND OUTCRY. THE AMBITIOUS DIRECTOR REMAINS STERN ON THE STORY’S DIRECTION, CLAIMING AN ORIGINAL NOT SO TRUE CRIME STORY ABOUT HEARTBREAK THAT LEADS TO A FUCK IT! KILL THE BITCH, STASH HER IN THE TRUNK, AND DRIVE OFF A CLIFF. IT’S DANGEROUS, AND DANGER IS SEXCY,
WE GOT TOGETHER AND MOVED FURNITURE. I’D SLEEP OVER FROM TIME TO TIME, THE BEST OF MOMENTS, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO DO, YOU GOT YOUR FRIENDS TO PARTNER UP WITH, GAYY!
MEET DENNIS. DENNIS WAS A WALKING DOORMAT FOR SOME OF THE PUB BULLIES. THE BULLIES — NOT TOO BRIGHT, NOT TOO SPECIAL, JUST SOME BIG BLOKES WITH LOTS OF ATTITUDE BECAUSE THE BIGGER YOU ARE THE LESS LIKELY SOMEONE IS TO CALL YOU ON A BLUFF. DON’T HELP THAT DENNIS AIN’T NO-GOOD WITH WORDS NEITHER, BUT THE KID’S TALENTED WITH A CAMERA, CLEVER AS A FOX TOO. MEET HIS PARTNER AND BEST-FRIEND, TOMMY: BIG, CHARMING, WITH A FAIR GAZE, NOT THE TYPE TO FOOL TWICE, IF AT ALL. GOOD MAN, LOOKS AFTER DENNIS, BUMPS HIM, CHECKS HIM, TOUGHENS HIM UP, PROTECTS AND SHARES WITH HIM. THEY MET A FEW YEARS BACK, DENNIS CAUGHT HEAT AT A POOL TABLE, COLLECTING ALL SORTS OF CASH, ALL TO HAVE THE BULLIES SNATCH UP HIS EARNINGS. TOMMY DIDN’T LIKE THAT TOO MUCH. WALKS UP THE BULLIES, ATTEMPTS TO REASON WITH THEM. THE BIG FUCK, WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? SPITS ON TOMMY’S SHOES. TOMMY GRABS A POOL STICK AND LANDS A WHACK TO THE DOME. AFTER THE INCIDENT, THE BULLIES DIDN’T PUSH DENNIS AROUND LIKE THEY USE-TO. IT TOOK A FEW NIGHTS FOR DENNIS AND TOMMY TO WARM UP TO ONE ANOTHER, EVENTUALLY, FINDING SIMILARITIES IN THEIR SHAMELESS SENSE OF HUMOR. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, THEY FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE SOME GOOD MONEY, TOGETHER. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL GROUNDS IS A PARKED HONDA WITH TOMMY AS THE DRIVER AND DENNIS TAKING SNAPS OF THE SCHOOLTEACHER, MAKING HER WAY TO HER CAR. ‘GOT IT!’ SAYS DENNIS. ‘ARE YOU SURE? TAKE A FEW MORE,’ REPLIES TOMMY. ‘TOMMY, IS NO SQUEEZE WORTH THE JUICE WHEN YOU FIND YOUR SHOT OF MONEY,’ SAYS DENNIS. ‘MONEYSHOT, DENNIS. THE WORD IS MONEYSHOT, AND IT AIN’T LIKE YOU’RE PERFORMING OPEN HEART SURGERY, TAKE A COUPLE OF MORE SNAPS, WHY DON’T SHA,’ INSISTS TOMMY. ‘YOU CAN’T COOK A CHICKEN WITH TWO CHEFS, TOMMY,’ INSISTS DENNIS. ‘WHAT IN THE WORLD IS YOUR BLATHERING ABOUT? IT’S A PICTURE, TAKE A COUPLE MORE — OH GREAT!’ TOMMY STOPS, THE SCHOOLTEACHER MAKES HER WAY INTO THE CAR AND OUT THE DRIVEWAY. ‘YOU SEE,’ SAYS TOMMY. ‘FOLLOW HER, I GOT AN IDEA,’ SAYS DENNIS. ‘AN IDEA,’ QUESTIONS TOMMY. ‘YES. NOW GO, BEFORE WE LOSE HER,’ SAYS DENNIS.
Understanding ECONOMICS, a MATH THEORY, THEORY BEING, IF YOU UNDERSTAND THE LANGUAGE, DON’T BE A PUSSY, MAKE SOME MONEY. A FOO’ BE LIKE, ‘I GOTTA TRY?’
WAS A MATH TEACHER AT A SCHOOL, ‘MISS SUCH AND SUCH WAS ON THE SAME PLANE,’ FUCKING GREAT, HUH?
THE SCHOOL TEACHER AND ALL HER GOALS DIE WITH THE ACTOR DUDE, MAN OF THE YEAR, TWO YEARS IN A ROW, THE TROMBONE PLAYER GETS HIS SHINE, IT’S COMING TOGETHER,
You get to have her, is her annoyance with men, and I thought, a drunk grandmother would be a delightful touch to the story. It brings life and personality to an otherwise bleak worldview of certain destruction that is people humping.
SCENE,
WHY’D YOU BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND? WHY DID YOU BREAK UP WITH MOM? END OF SCENE.
AN ACTOR’S INTERPRETATION NOT NECESSARILY BEING IN COMPLETE AGREEMENT WITH THE STAFF AND MORE JARGON WILL BE ADDED HERE LATER, CHARACTER AND AN AGREED UPON ROLE,
LIKE SAID, I WROTE THE MUTHAFUKKER, I GOTTA FIND SOME DIALOGUE FOR THE TALENT TO READ? IS WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR, RIGHT? TALENT?
‘CORRECT,’ SAYS PETE. WHO’S PETE?
THE DUDE WE NEED WHENEVER SOME GOOD STUFF NEEDS TO BE MENTIONED, ‘RIGHT' BEING A DIRECTION, ‘CORRECT’ BEING A MORE APPROPRIATE WORD TO USE WHEN TALKING FACTS. HAVE THE ACTORS MAKE SOMETHING UP, AND MAKE IT GOOD. IS A NETWORK’S RESPONSIBILITY, FIND PEOPLE THAT MAKE FOR THE BEST SCENE. WERE A HANDFUL OF PAIRS, FATHER-SON-ONE, FATHER-SON-TWO, FATHER-SONTHREE. WERE THE DAYS OF ACCUMULATED FILM AND CUTS IDIOTS FIGHTING IN THE PARKING LOT, ‘WHY NOT HAVE A LITERAL FATHER SON DUO?’ LIKE, BRO — WE’RE LOOKING FOR A GOOD SCENE HERE, NOT THE LITERAL THING. WE’LL TAKE YA’ IF YOU’RE ANY GOOD, WAS THIS ONE DUDE THAT ROLL’D IN WITH LIL JULIO. THEY WERE GOOD, THEY WERE LEGIT TALENTED ACTORS. PROBLEM IS, LIL JULIO AND THE ONE DUDE WERE LIKE ALCOHOLICS AT A BAR, TALENTED — YES. I DON’T KNOW HOW THEY GOT THEIR HANDS ON SOME UNRELEASED WILL BE RELEASED AFTER A FEW EDITS, DON’T KNOW HOW THEY KNEW ABOUT THE TIME AND LOCATION, THEY WERE A GOOD FATHER’SON DUO, LIKE SAID, THE ONE DUDE AND LIL JULIO WERE ALCOHOLICS FROM SOME BAR THAT GAVE IT A TRY AND HAD A GREAT AUDITION. STORY HAS IT, THEY REFUSED TO GIVE UP. SOMETHING HAPPENED AFTER THE AUDITION, THEY USED THAT MOMENTUM AND BLEW THE ROOF OFF A LOCAL HOTSPOT. THESE GUYS WERE GOOD AT WHAT THEY DID, NEVER TOOK A CHANCE WITH PEOPLE THEY WERE FAMILIAR WITH, SOME. AT A LOCATION THEY WERE FAMILIAR WITH, SOME. THEY CHARMED THE GUESTS AND ENTERTAINED THE HOUSE LONG ENOUGH FOR THE KITCHEN TO GET THEIR PLATES COOK’D AND NOT HAVE ANYONE THROWING A FIT, WHILE WAITING. DUDES AT A BAR, WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? WAS A LASTING IMPRESSION THAT ALLOWED THEM, WORK, BABY. WORK. GOES THE STORY. THEY’RE DOING ALRIGHT,
You don’t know her life, she’s existing, you’re existing, she’s standing over there, you’re standing over here. you wanna be in her life, you want her involved in yours, is some clue to the riddle of a couple pairing,
‘look at this mess, who could love me like this? All of it as good as it will get, you want me in your life?’ was the story of a poor boy living in the ghetto, in the ghetto. Goes no telling of attraction that ties us together, if she likes you enough the lady will ride ya’ dick under a bridge, if she likes you, but — you know you don’t want to be fucking under a bridge, mann.
A little more than what you thought you could, a little more. Soma’s like that.
A date with the trombone player, at the local hotspot, The one dude and lil’ Julio are chatting at the bar,
We don’t let the trombone player win, we allow him his path,
Was a trombone player’s audition, ‘you’re looking to be the suit,’ says the cool foo of the group. ‘That’s tough,’ says the cool foo, the team is in agreement. Interjects a lady, ‘you guys,’ looks at the trombone player, ‘these guys are really hung up on our, man of the year, two years in a row, wearing the suit — but I don’t know why you wouldn’t be an appropriate match, sweet-thang,’ says the lady of the year, remember, the award is not about being a celebrity. Cool foo looks around, looks at the trombone player, ‘do your thing — ’ the trombone player goes alright fuck yeah and begins to play the trombone. The cool foo looks at his watch, looking and listing. Listing and looking, you have to play fair, don’t tell this guy he licks balls at playing the trombone. ‘Hey, bud. Thank you.’ Says the cool foo. ‘Wait it’s only a few more notes until I rift,’ says the trombone player. ‘We’re good. Do you do anything else?’ Asks the cool foo. ‘The ad said, talent hosting worth a million bucks,’ replies the trombone player. ‘What are you getting at?’ an annoyed cool foo questions. ‘I do lots of things. This is my talent,’ replies the trombone player. ‘Well no. we need an actor. Second, you suck.’ says the cool foo. An insulted trombone player replies, ‘I do not.’ a quick witted cool foo replies, ‘that’s correct, you blow,’ a chuckling cool foo does the extra stuff, hi fives the team, ‘got him.’ back to the trombone player. Again, an insulted trombone player, ’Do you know anything about music? Does anyone here know anything about music?’ The trombone player looks around, guys laughing. is a lady, not crying, but there’s something in her eyes, ‘that was amazing,’ she says. The trombone player, ‘see! Thank you.’ Trombone player to the cool foo, ‘I work hard man, talking shit.’ The council quiets. speaks a member of the board, ‘you’re really good. Original material is rare, even rarer is something that is as good as what you’ve performed, for us.’ The cool foo loses his cool, a little bit, it is important for the cool foo to be a person, it is as important for the cool foo to remember, thy is the cool foo, we pay you for a reason, ‘you’re all on drugs. That’s what’s happening — ‘ another lady of the board interjects, her name’s lynda, ‘no, you’re on drugs. Brian and bree know instruments like they read sheet music. They just gave us an educated verdict. What’s your name, Sebastian?’ to Sebastian, return to lynda, ‘as impolite, as well as incorrect this foo may be, he brings up a good point. our very own, man of the year, two years in a row, will audition for this role and is likely to get it. Not for nothing, you impressed a few of us here, can we give you a call for a second read, if necessary?’ Lynda asks. ‘Yes. I’d like that,’ says the trombone player. ‘Thank you for your time,’ concludes lynda.
U PUNK
MUTHAFUKKAS. RELAX, I’M ON THE WAY, AS WE SPEAK.
ACTION & EFFORT, MIND IN MOTION, BODY IN MOTION, FOR WHAT IS IN MIND TO BE. THE MORE I WRITE THE FURTHER AWAY FROM THE CONCLUSION FEELS LIKE I’VE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS. YOU CAN’T FORCE IT, BUT THE REPS HELP. YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO FIND THE MAGIC WHILE IN MOTION THAN YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WISH TO BUILD. AT TIMES, IT MAY FEEL LIKE WHAT LIVES IN YOUR IMAGINATION IS BETTER OR MORE EXCITING THAN WHAT YOU HAVE MADE — WE PREFER THE REAL, CAN’T BE BETTER THAN WHAT IS IF IT DON’T EXIST. WHEN YOU CONSIDER THE DETAILS, YOU SORT’VE GET WHY THESE THINGS DON'T HAPPEN. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, IT’S WHAT YA’ GOT. MUCH BETTER THAN A DICK IN YOUR HAND. LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THANK YOU FOR OPENING UP DRAFT #3,477. THE COMPLETE IS ON ITS WAY. THE CHALLENGE, NOT SO-MUCH THE TASK OF SCRIBBLING, IT’S THE SLICING FOR A SIMPLE ENOUGH READ. IMPRESSIVE NOT ALWAYS EASY-TO-READ, EASY-TO-READ NOT ALWAYS IMPRESSIVE. THE SELECTION AND CHOICES MADE NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE PRACTITIONER’S FAVORITE THING RATHER WHAT SATISFIES READER EXPERIENCE, DOES THE DARN THING MAKE SENSE? WAS A MAN THAT TOSSED HIS CHARACTERS INTO FILTH, ALMOST TO PROVE A POINT. SOME LESSON ON LIFE AND WORTH. EVEN AT ITS WORST, A FEW BLACKLISTS AND REVOKED SCRIPTS LATER, YOU FIND YOURSELF WORKING A BIG ASS CALCULATOR, ADJUSTING RECEIPTS AND FUCK! GOTTA SEND A HALF A DOZEN EMAILS, TONIGHT. BE OF VALUE, WORK! YOU’LL BE FINE.
DIARY OF A SHOE SALESMAN,
Is our TROMBONE PLAYER WRITING DOWN AN IDEA.
TROMBONE PLAYER WAKES UP TO SOME COMMUNITY COLLEGE AD ON TV. LOOKS AT HIS JOURNAL, ‘JOURNAL ENTRY ONE,'
GRABS HIS PEN, WRITES DOWN SOME SHIT I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF YET, RIPS THE PAGE, AND IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR READING, ‘I HAD AN APPLE, STRING CHEESE, AND A HOT CHOCOLATE FOR LUNCH. I WALKED THE PROMENADE AND MADE SOME NOTES,
Trust your peeps, everything else will land where it should.
THE STAGE IS NO FUGAZI, THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE PROVEN FAIR. WAS A MAN AT A BUS STOP, MUST BE GOING TO ANOTHER AUDITION.
THE SUBJECTS AND THE STAFF MAKING CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT MAKES SENSE, LEADING TO WHAT IS RECORDED AND CAPTURED. MOTION AFTER MOTION OF THE SAME SCENE, SOMETHING’S OFF, PEOPLE ARE FRUSTRATED, WHAT CAN IT BE? ‘ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS?’ SOME DUDE RAISES HIS HAND, ‘I CAN CALL, THE MAN.’
‘THE MAN? WHO’S THE MAN?’
‘I DON’T REMEMBER HIM EVER GIVING ME A NAME —,’
‘SO — HOW ARE WE SUPPOSE TO,’
‘HOLD UP, HERE’S HIS BUSINESS CARD.’
BUSINESS CARD READS, ‘CALL ME, IM THE MAN, 555-1455.’
‘YOU THINK HE CAN HELP US OUT?’
‘I DON’T KNOW, I MET HIM AT MY MOM’S BANQUET, YOU KNOW ROBO-GEEKS, ATHLETES, POTENTIAL CLIENTS, IMPORTANT PEOPLE. WE TALKED AT THE OPEN BAR, HOMEBOY’S KIND OF A GENIUS. SAYS ONCE HE FIGURED OUT SHADOWS IN MOVING PICTURE HE WAS SWIMMING IN THE DOUGH.’
