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What’s inside let’s talk about hope.
4 FUELLED BY HOPE > STACEY TARRANT Pain is real, but so is
hope— and hope can sustain us.
14 MY STORY > LANI ELLIOTT
“I am living proof that shelters save lives.” 6 OUR ONLY JOB > NORAH KENNEDY Hope is one of FTP’s
three operational pillars.
16 LEGACY OF ROSE > FATIMA KHO BURKE & WILLIAM BURKE
The inspiring story of Rose Kho. 8 I AM WOMAN > LISA POST
The story of Rachel Clark’s truth.
18 FTP’S IMPACT Who and how FTP
10 HOPE IN A BOWL > SHERALYN ROMAN Soup Sisters Orangeville/
has helped, 2018-19.
Dufferin—a true example of collaboration and community.
{
STACEY TARRANT > EDITOR IN CHIEF LIESJE DOLDERSUM > ART DIRECTOR JEANETTE MCCURDY > COPY-EDITOR KELLY LEE > COPY-EDITOR IMAGE P 10 > EMBRACE PHOTOGRAPHY ALL OTHERS > STOCK / PROVIDED
Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. ~ Stephen King hope 3
{
Fuelled by hope hope is the foundation of our work at Family Transition Place Pain is real, but so is hope. I saw this meme online recently and it prompted me to think about the depth of these words. For the women and their children fleeing their homes—often in the direst of circumstances—it is hugely painful, but their courage and strength is fuelled by hope. Hope for safety, hope for support, and hope for a better life. Although the journey they are about to embark on is unknown, hope is the one thing that they can hang on to. Hope is the foundation of our work at Family Transition Place (FTP). We are eternally grateful to all of the advertisers, volunteer contributors, and others behind the scenes who have helped shape this year’s magazine to be a success. The proceeds from this publication will support the delivery of the important programs offered at FTP; programs
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that are here to foster future stories of HOPE. If you feel inspired by the content of this magazine and would like to share it without giving up your hard copy, a digital copy can be found on our website, familytransitionplace.ca. Please share HOPE with your friends, family, and co-workers. We appreciate your support. Sincerely,
Stacey Tarrant, Editor in Chief Manager of Development & Community Relations Family Transition Place 519.942.4122 ext. 240 stacey@familytransitionplace.ca
A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love. ~ Stendhal
Your ordinary acts of love and hope point to the extraordinary promise that every human life is of inestimable value. ~ Desmond Tutu
Lord save us from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms. ~ Mark Twain
The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. ~ Barbara Kingsolver
It is hope that gives life meaning. And hope is based on the prospect of being able one day to turn the actual world into a possible one that looks better. ~ Francois Jacob
We dream to give ourselves hope. To stop dreaming well, that’s like saying you can never change your fate..’ ~ Amy Tan
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Our only job by Norah Kennedy, Executive Director, Family Transition Place (FTP) There is a reason why “Hope” is one of the three operathat one day a new generation will reach adulthood, having tional pillars of Family Transition Place (FTP). Current relearned to be compassionate and respectful of one another, in search shows that hope is one of the most critical elements to relationships without violence. a healthy and happy life. At FTP, we didn’t need the research. I read a quote in a human resource blog recently that said We have long believed and known that. something like our only job is to leave people better than we There is a tendency to believe that one is either inherentfound them. If this were the goal of every person—to leave ly a hopeful person or one is not. However, Anthony Scioli, each individual they met a little better than they were before Ph.D., from Keene State College in New Hampshire, shows their encounter, wouldn’t we all feel more hopeful? “Hopethrough some of his research “that hope is a skill you can acful people provide “social benefit,” because they use a “me– quire. It is active—you can cultivate and nourish it.” (Palmer, we” way of thinking and help others succeed.” (Palmer, L.D. L.D. Growing Hope, 2019). Which means, despite what one Growing Hope, 2019). If we are creating relationships that fosmight consider one’s predisposition, one can learn to be ter more hope, then we are also helping to make the world a hopeful. And research is showing that doing that may be a better place for all of us. very good thing. Outlining the results of one study in which Some studies are showing that being hopedepressed elderly people were taught to think ful helps people to age well and perform bethopefully, Snyder said, “As they became more Hopeful people ter. Hopeful people are reported as having hopeful, they became more grateful … and more self-esteem, are able to look after themare reported as more likely to experience joy.” (Snyder, C.S., selves better and can even tolerate more pain. having more The Psychology of Hope: You Can Get There from “Hope sustains our intimate bonds, gives Here.) When we are hopeful, it is easier to feel life purpose and meaning, and determines our self-esteem, are grateful. I believe that when we feel grateful, prospects for survival and health.” (Anthony able to look after we value things more profoundly, meaning Scioli, Ph.D., Keene State College) themselves better, we take more care of things like each other. So is it any wonder, then, that FTP places Just for fun, while writing this, I took two such importance on hope? and can even separate hopefulness assessments—one reFor the people who seek help from one of tolerate more pain. sult labelled me as a “the superb realist” and FTP’s other two pillars—safety and support— the other placed me in the “high hopefulness” hope may at first seem elusive. Seeking refuge in a shelter or going for counselling may feel category. I wondered for a moment if these like a “last resort,” but in essence, it is an act of hopefulness; were contradictory ratings, but then I remembered a convera physical demonstration that one believes that by taking this sation I had with a colleague a number of years ago. We both step, life can be better. No one person can physically provide agreed that I was an optimist, while she was a pessimist. We another person with hope, but now we know that we can both thought we were realists. help to foster and nurture it. And in doing so, provide a perI feel completely vindicated! And so, a hopeful realist son with the opportunity to find new purpose and meaning I remain. in their lives. Addendum: in researching this article I found this scene shared FTP has long believed that we can effect change by helpfrom the 1992 film The Shawshank Redemption. The following ing to generate hope. This is the principle behind our school exchange takes place between the two main characters, who are programming. We help children and youth learn to respect being held prisoner: themselves and others. We give them tools by which they Andy says to Red, “You need it so you don’t forget there are can interact and communicate effectively. We teach them that things in this world not carved out of gray stone. There is somethey are worthy of positive healthy relationships throughout thing inside that they can’t get to —they can’t touch—it’s yours.” their lives. By doing this, we are helping them develop hope Red asks, “What are you talking about?” for happy, healthy futures for themselves. We are also generating a broader hope, for ourselves and our community, Andy replies, “Hope”.
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I am woman
photo © Natalia Dolan
Transgender people deserve a seat at the table. by Lisa Post
Rachel Clark
I was born as a woman, and while I don’t conform to most stereotypical gender roles, there is no doubt in my mind that my gender identity matches my physical birth-assigned gender. Now imagine for a moment being three years old and knowing that something just wasn’t “quite right” with
who you are as a person. This was Rachel Clark’s truth as she began, from a very young age, to understand that she was being defined by body parts that didn’t match how she felt about herself. It is important to understand some terms that will be used in this article. Knowing what they mean and being
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able to use them properly is part of being a great ally. gender.’ There may be all kinds of reasons to like me Transgender means that a person’s gender identity does or not like me, but I promise, being transgender isn’t not match the sex they were assigned at birth, while one of them.” cisgender means that a person’s identity corresponds Throughout her journey, Rachel has had a great deal with their birth sex. Rachel is a transgender woman, of trouble accessing healthcare—not surgery for her while I am a cisgender woman. Both of us are women; transition—but just everyday healthcare. “Like ‘I have both of us are awesome; both of us are equal. a stomach ache,’ and the doctor saying, “I don’t know Living an authentic life is a difficult concept for what to do with you” … as if the cause of stomach aches many people regardless of gender identity, but it can differs in transgender people than cisgender people. definitely present more of a challenge for transgenIt is frustrating and unfair.” Generally speaking, transder folks, as they struggle with trying to understand gender people have difficulties accessing healthcare, why their body doesn’t match their brain. Moments housing, and employment. of authenticity are often lost inside of moments of When Rachel was growing up, words like transconfusion, shame, guilt, and despair. Rachel states, gender didn’t exist, and the words that were used to “For many trans people, life is a continuous struggle. describe the LGBTQ2+ population weren’t very good. Not because they have done anything Expressing yourself could have had horwrong, but because they live in a society rible consequences, and so many didn’t. which needs to have outcasts in order Many people hid, living in silence and Transgender to define their self-worth. This is what shame. Many lived a false life … uncommeans that a needs to change.” fortable in their own skin. Even today, When asked when she first openly there is a stigma that still exists that person’s gender identified and lived life as Rachel, the transgender people are ‘mentally ill,’ and identity does not this statement couldn’t be any further answer was complex. “Well, do I define that moment when match the sex they from the truth. “When we use these narI, as a child, thought my name should be ratives, we demonize mental illness and were assigned at transgender people all in one statement. Rachel, or when I told my psychiatrist at 17 that I was struggling with my identiI guess that is why it’s such a great bully birth, while cisty, or when I was in my 20s and thought statement for people who choose to be gender means that purposefully ignorant.” transition was someday, or when I was 35 and put myself on a list with CAMH Transgender people deserve to feel a person’s identity with the hope that I would be able to welcome everywhere. Community memcorresponds with bers need to do better to make sure there transition someday, or 45 when I had surgery, or 49 when things sunk back to is a place for all people within political their birth sex. normalcy? It’s hard to say.” systems, within leadership, and within Rachel has encountered many obstacommunities everywhere. Rachel proudcles along the way, but feels fortunate that she has had ly announces, “I was the first openly transgender pera supportive and loving family and a network of people son to throw a pitch at a major league baseball game who were worried about her happiness and who want(Blue Jays vs Orioles, June 6, 2016). That was a great ed to ensure that they were doing their part to be there moment for equality.” for her. That’s not to say that everyone was supportive. Being a cisgender woman, I am hopeful. I see people Rachel, like most transgender people, lost people along being more accepting and taking the time to learn how the way. Oftentimes the people she thought would be to treat all people with respect and embrace uniquethe most supportive were, in fact, the ones who took ness. I see events like Celebrate Your Awesome, where advantage and made things much worse. we see LGBTQ2+ people and allies celebrating togethRachel recalls living life before her transition as a er. So, I had to ask Rachel if she feels that attitudes well-liked and well-respected person working in the are changing for the better, if society is progressing, music industry. Quite literally overnight she went from to which she replied, “Better. At least here. We are being the person that everyone wanted to be around starting to understand that a diverse society benefits to being a person many tried to avoid. “You don’t fit everyone, and even though at times it seems that the in to our corporate culture” is a sentence that Rachel derision, isolation, and hatred is winning, the reality is has heard more than once. “It is a panoptic statement the opposite. Old ideologies always find a way to surge that is used to discriminate. What it really means is before they die, and I think that is what we are seeing ‘I don’t want you working here because you’re transnow. For me, I am hopeful for the future.”
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by Sheralyn Roman
Hope in a bowl Lori Robertshaw might be the face of Soup Sisters Orangeville/Dufferin, but she’s quick to point out it’s a team effort that makes Soup Sisters such a local success story.
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Her generosity of spirit and infectious enthusiasm is contagious and is perhaps just one of the many reasons why Soup Sisters enjoys such strong support from the community—support Lori says she wants everyone to know she is extremely grateful for. Lori describes herself and her partners Vanessa Kreuzer and Terry Doel of Lavender Blue as a “dynamic trio.” In fact, she says emphatically, “Without Terri and Vanessa, this would not happen. We are the only Soup Sisters to have a culinary partner. They help out in ways the community doesn’t even know about—Soup Sisters is a true collaborative effort.” Calling it “dinner with a purpose,” Lori makes sure every Soup Sisters collaborative cooking event is scheduled in her personal calendar because “I just can’t be anywhere else.” She proudly shares that each hosted event makes about 200 servings of soup, and for this Soup Sisters trio, that’s 200 servings of Hope in a Bowl for the clients of
the soups are respectful of culinary preferences, culturally appropriate and for both vegetarian and non-vegetarians alike. Four different soups are made during a Soup Sisters event and it’s delivered to FTP the next day. The soup arrives warm and ready to eat and/or packaged in 1-litre servings that can be distributed to families as needed. In fact, many clients who are transitioning to FTP’s second-stage housing are given a container or two to help them on their way. The theme of Hope in a Bowl is carried through even on the labeling of the containers. Participants often write not only the type of soup found inside but also messages of hope, support, comfort and kind words like “made with love.” Lori is the event coordinator for the local chapter and enjoys promoting Soup Sisters in person, at events, on Facebook and elsewhere, every chance she gets. There are a total of 28 chapters across Canada and Lori is proud to confirm
Family Transition Place (FTP). Lori founded Soup Sisters three years ago after hearing about the concept through a chapter in Guelph. When she tried to sign up there, she was informed they were fully booked for over a year. That wasn’t good enough for Lori who says, “Knowing where there’s a shelter there’s a need.” She immediately phoned Lavender Blue who said, “If it helps FTP we’re in.” Thus, the Orangeville chapter was born. In a true example of collaboration and community, Lavender Blue closes their café for Soup Sister events, consults with FTP dietician Janice Prokofiew, and then shops for any necessary supplies. Soup Sisters does their best to shop and support local; many of the staff at Lavender Blue clock out and donate their time to the events. The community then gathers, chops and cooks the soup and fina lly, Vanessa delivers it to FTP. There’s even a Soup Sisters cookbook that Nancy Frater, owner of Orangeville’s Booklore, is happy to support by stocking it on her shelves for those inspired to try more of the over 400 available recipes. Every effort is made to ensure
only three paid positions exist across the country. Everyone else is a volunteer. Soup Sisters follows the MISO philosophy: Money In, Soup Out! All functions take place on a Sunday running once per month throughout the spring, summer and fall and they are always full of laughter, love and good intentions. Groups of girlfriends (“Soup Sisters”), couples on a date night, “Broth Brothers” and even community groups like the Lions Club, all come to Lavender Blue to enjoy a night of delicious appetizers, wine and more before rolling up their sleeves to chop, chat and cook. Lori was thrilled to share the news that the first event of the fall 2019 season will take place at Lavender Blue’s brand new location (opening to the public in October) at 125 Broadway in Orangeville. Check out soupsisters.org to book your own event with at least 12 (up to 24!) of your closest friends. You can also sign up alone or with one or two friends and you’ll be paired with other like-minded community members for a night of camaraderie and collaboration—all for a great cause—providing Hope in a Bowl for families in transition.
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My story I am living proof that shelters save lives. by Lani Elliott I am an advocate for women’s shelters because, if not for their existence, I wouldn’t be here today. You see, several years ago, I was a struggling young mother with two little boys, trapped in an abusive marriage with very little hope for a brighter future. I was 20 years old when I first met Ben*, and after a very brief courtship, we married in a church in my hometown, and I believed my life to be set. I remember thinking that I had the world at my fingertips, with a promising career in the RCMP, great friends, a new husband, and a new home. I was so in love with life, and ridiculously, naively happy. I had no idea of the dark cloud that was lurking just over the horizon. Immediately following our wedding ceremony, I recall sitting in the car with my groom, in a panic because I had already lost my wedding ring somewhere under my seat. Ben, with exaggerated chivalry, found the ring and while placing it back onto my hand, announced, “I own you now.” I told myself he was joking, but still, a chill ran through my body. Very quickly, I found myself isolated from friends and family, and because we were starting a family, my career was put on hold. Soon, Ben had become my only friend, convincing me that a “traditional” wife didn’t require anyone besides her husband to make her happy. I had wanted to please him, so didn’t argue when he said I couldn’t visit people or go anywhere. Little did I know, I was being manipulated into complete submission, to the point where he controlled every aspect of my existence: my finances, my whereabouts, my appearance, and even what I ate
and where I slept. Everything. The first time Ben hit me, I was six months’ pregnant with our first child. We had been watching television in an upstairs bedroom at his parents’ house when, jokingly, I had grabbed the TV remote out of his hand to change the channel. He swiftly pulled it back and struck me with it, and in a split second, I was on the floor fending off blows. I was so shocked, I didn’t even attempt to fight back. When it was over, I went downstairs, hoping to get his mom to help me leave, but she wouldn’t, and I had never felt so alone in my life. I wish that I could say that I had the strength to leave him then, but the truth is, my entire self-worth was tied into him, as he had me convinced that I was nothing without him. And so I stayed, too ashamed to admit to anyone what was happening. For three years, and through the birth of our second child, I hid my bruises with makeup and a smile, never once revealing that I was being abused, and too terrified of what might happen if I did. The first time I stayed in a shelter, my second child was just a newborn. Ben, angry at me for leaving a strand of my hair in the bassinet, had beaten me on the floor of the nursery. The next day, I fled to my friend’s house, and she drove me to the shelter. And although the shelter workers were very encouraging, knowledgeable, and supportive, eventually, I went back to my husband. And I did so again and again. At the time, I had still believed that we could work things out, because Photos: This page, from top, Lani before Ben, Lani at her wedding, Lani with her son (while with Ben). On right page, Lani today.
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after all, marriage was forever, and he had always promised to change. I had thought that “if I could just love him enough,” everything would be okay. And I didn’t want to break my family apart. Ben used to tell me that he would take my sons away from me if I left, and I believed him. He would also tell me that he couldn’t live without me, and that he would kill himself if I left, and I believed him. But oddly enough, even though he often told me that he would kill me too, if anyone else tried to warn me that he might, I refused to believe it. And that was almost my undoing. On my last day with Ben, we were supposedly going grocery shopping. Instead, Ben drove me out to the middle of nowhere and then attacked me with an aluminum baseball bat. He had decided that the only way that I was going to leave him was on his terms. I remember lying on that gravel road, thinking that I was about to die, but instead, I had sent one last prayer to Creator to ‘just give me a reason to get up.’ And suddenly, I could hear the sound of my child’s voice in the wind. By the grace of God, I had managed to convince Ben to stop, so that I could tend to our son, who had been crying in the van we had been traveling in. I didn’t know in that moment that my legs were broken, an injury that would ultimately end my career as a police officer, and I certainly didn’t know what the future might hold, but I knew that this wasn’t what I wanted for my children. Hearing my son’s voice was my reason to get up, and to get out. I couldn’t bear the thought of my sons growing up without me, in the same cycle of violence that their father had grown up in. I knew that if I didn’t make the necessary changes in my life, there was a very real possibility that my sons would repeat that cycle as their father did before them. The cycle had to stop … with me. The shelter workers not only offered me a safe place to stay, but they also provided me with the counselling I needed to understand domestic violence. They also gave me the necessary tools to rebuild my life, free from violence, not just for me, but for my children as well. They were instrumental in my rebirth, for it was with their assistance that I rediscovered my strength, my self-worth, ME. And for that, I will be forever grateful.
I want everyone to know the impact these shelters have on the lives of those who are most vulnerable, to know that they are performing miracles… because they are. When I think about the life I left behind, and I look at my life now, I know that I my prayer was answered, through the sound of my son’s voice in the wind, and the endless hours of help and support that those shelter workers gave me. This is the same kind of help and support that they provide to countless other women and children every single day. These shelters are not just changing lives for the better, they are saving lives. I am living proof. *Name has been changed for legal purposes.
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Legacy of Rose The inspiring story of Rose Kho. by Fatima Kho Burke & William Burke
At Family Transition Place (FTP) we are privileged to hear the incredible stories told to us by the people who choose to donate their hard earned money to support FTP’s work and the people we serve. We’d like to share one of those stories here. Following is an excerpt of a story about Rosalind, written by her loving sister and brother-in-law, Fatima and Bill Burke.
Rosalinda (Rose) Kho was born in the city of Bacolod in the Philippines in November 1944. Her father, Kiya, had emigrated from rural China sometime during the 1930’s. Her mother, Anita, was raised by her aunt in a small rural village in the Philippines. Both of Rose’s parents had very little formal education. Rose’s mother could neither read
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nor write but Rose’s father taught himself to speak, read into the grocery storeroom. Rose heard the noise from the and write Illongo, a local Philippine dialect. At the time break in and attacked the boy inside; fighting with him of Rose’s birth, Rose’s father owned and managed a local until the police arrived. She was fearless! grocery store. From the time she first saw a nurse midwife deliver one The grocery store was on the first floor and the family of her sisters, Rose knew that she wanted to be a nurse. lived above the store. Behind the store the family raised That was her dream but with the family having little money pigs, chickens, geese and planted fruit trees and a large left, she knew that was unlikely. Rose’s Mother did not see vegetable garden. Rose loved caring for the animals. the value of an education and was unwilling to spend the She would spend hours with them and developed a lifemoney necessary for Rose to become a nurse. It was only long love of animals. Rose became very attached to one pig, after Rose threatened to become a nun that Rose’s mother Moray, who she made sure was the cleanest and became finally agreed to spend the little money left in savings and a much beloved pet. Rose spent hours with take out a loan for Rose’s nursing education. Moray and was devastated when Moray was In Rose’s second year of schooling, Rose’s slaughtered for food. Despite standing sister Fatima graduated from high school Rose’s father was determined that all of and took over running the grocery store. at a height of his children would receive the education The sisters had agreed that Fatima would that he was denied. He knew the value of an run the store for three years, enabling just 4’ 11”, education and worked to ensure that they Rose to complete nursing school, and then Rose was a force Rose would pay for Fatima’s schooling once had the best education that he could afford. to be reckoned When Rose was 13 years old, her father Rose graduated. The sisters followed their became seriously ill and was admitted to the plan and both Rose and Fatima became with. Rose was hospital. He was diagnosed with cancer. Rose registered nurses. always protective had to leave school to care for her father, who After Rose graduated nursing school, she died several weeks later. immigrated to Canada, where she worked of her friends When Rose’s father died, life at home at St. Joseph’s Health Centre in Toronto. and family. changed drastically. Her mother became Rose worked there for 31 years before retiring physically and emotionally abusive, telling in 2001. During her 31 years at St. Joseph’s, the children that they were worse than the Rose never took a sick day. She loved being pigs because at least she could sell the pigs. Rose’s mother a nurse, and everyone loved Rose. would beat the children with sticks, leaving permanent Rose passed away suddenly in August 2015 due to scars and major contusions. metastatic breast cancer; her cancer was diagnosed only Rose and her siblings lived in a constant state of fear, 10 days prior to her passing. Over 350 people attended never knowing if they would survive. The neighbours just Rose’s funeral. Rose was dearly loved by so many and she looked the other way and pretended not to hear the screams touched so many people’s lives. She loved life and never let or see the marks on the children left from the beatings. the abuse she suffered limit or define her. Rose’s mother lost most of the family’s savings with Rose always stated that she wanted to help women and questionable “investments” or spent the money on things children—in the community that was so welcoming to for herself, while at the same time denying anything but her so many years ago—when she passed away. Up until the basic necessities for her children. So, by the time Rose the end of her life and continuing through her legacy, graduated from high school, there was very little money Rose is still protecting the most vulnerable. Her estate for further education. In fact, there were barely enough has been passed to FTP; a plaque was placed along with supplies left to keep the grocery store open. a little statue of Moray in their outdoor playground to Despite standing at a height of just 4’11”, Rose was a commemorate her gift. force to be reckoned with. Rose was always very protective We believe that Rose would be very pleased and that she of her friends and family. On one occasion, someone broke shares a kindred spirit with the incredible staff of FTP.
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Last year, more than 1,
Seeking refuge in a shelter or going for counselling may fe
Emergency Shelter Second-Stage Housing Support Within Housing/Outreach 24-Hour Support Line Woman Abuse Counselling Sexual Abuse Counselling
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73 women + 45 11 women + 9
53 women 3,261 calls 343 women 149 women + 1
,000 people accessed FTP’s programs.
eel like a “last resort,” but in essence, it is an act of hopefulness. ~ Norah Kennedy, Executive Director, FTP
5 children children
17 men
Child Witness 50 women + 52 children Transitional Support Services 324 women + 1 man Addictions & Outreach 50 women Rural Response Program 85 women Youth Education 1,663 students Caring Dads 16 men Housing Allowance Program 13 women/families
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TM
P H Y S I O T H E R A P Y
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P E L V I C
H E A L T H
DUFFERIN
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Thank you
to these wonderful local businesses. With your monthly donations, we can provide safety, support and HOPE to the women and children who need it in our community.
Thank you to our funders, our staff, our donors and supporters, and most of all, the women and children and users of our services who place their trust in us and teach us so much every day. We will continue to learn and change whenever and wherever it is necessary, so that we can do the best possible work and be worthy of that trust.
O ur C ommi tme n t FTP will remain steadfast in our work to educate and advocate for healthy relationships and violence-free lives
to help make our world a better place.
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