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December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

CONTENTS

DECEMBER 29, 2021-JANUARY 11, 2022 • VOL. 52 NO 13 Upfront .......................................5 Feature ..................................... 10 Get Out ..................................... 12 Art ............................................ 23 Dedicated to Free Times founder Richard H. Siegel (1935-1993) and Scene founder Richard Kabat Publisher Andrew Zelman Editor Vince Grzegorek Editorial Music Editor Jeff Niesel Senior Writer Sam Allard Staff Writer Brett Zelman Dining Editor Douglas Trattner Visual Arts Writer Shawn Mishak

Eat ............................................ 25 Music ........................................ 29 Savage Love ..............................30

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UPFRONT

A LITTLE BIT OF AVON IN THE FORGOTTEN TRIANGLE: A PLAY-BY-PLAY OF DRIVING THE OPPORTUNITY CORRIDOR THEY ARE STILL CALLING it “Opportunity Corridor.” Like, that’s literally the name of the street, on street signs. Orlando Baking Company is now located at the corner of E. 75th Street and Opportunity Corridor. The Juvenile Justice Center is on Opportunity Corridor, just before Quincy, and so on. That this chamber-of-commerce branding persists in the absence of the promised opportunities is of course embarrassing, but it also confirms what many feared all along: that the branding was never more than propaganda to convince residents of Cleveland’s poor, predominantly black southeast side neighborhoods, where 30-40 percent of residents don’t even own a car, that a $260 million road from I-490 to the Cleveland Clinic would be more than a road. It should be no surprise that it’s not. It should also be no surprise that after hundreds of millions of dollars of new infrastructure investment, the road is smoothly paved, freshly

painted, and pleasant enough to drive. From the lengthy exit ramp on I-490, where the speed limit drops from 60 MPH to 35 MPH, it took me 7 minutes and 30 seconds to get to E. 105th and Cedar. The return trip was about 7:10. (The whole point of the road’s construction was to shave a couple of minutes off the drive time between E. 55th and the Clinic, so I guess it used to take about 10 minutes.) All along the route, trees have been planted on the central median and on either side, stabilized for the winter by wooden stakes. One can sense that, when spring arrives and the mud turns fully to grass, the landscaping could be real nice indeed. The whole experience is overwhelmingly suburban. I kept thinking of the Lear-Nagle exit on I-90 in Avon. Though almost zero trickle-down economic development has been spawned by the Opportunity Corridor—that’s why the City of Cleveland finally threw up its hands and said it would build its new police headquarters out there,

(which I guess is supposed to make commuters feel safe) (???)—it’s easy to envision theoretical strip mallstyle developments on a few of the wide-open lots. A Starbucks-Jimmy John’s combo? A Qdoba? A T-Mobile store? Soups, sandwiches, coffee and auto parts, all rendered in the bland, beige faux-stone one expects in Brunswick. Presumably, the city, the Greater Cleveland Partnership and others made efforts to lure development of this sort to the route, without success. They tried to attract “light industrial” business as well. Also without success. One of the only announced developments along the Opportunity Corridor, other than the Police HQ, has already been altered after community outrage—an asphalt and concrete plant, which was meant to be built in conjunction with a training center for those seeking construction jobs. (The construction institute is still in the works, without the plants.) Much of the route is now bordered by dirt lots, littered with construction materials. No one seems to want

to be the guinea pig in an area marked by decades of disinvestment, redlining and abandonment. A Meijer grocery store is now in the offing up near 105th. Having never commuted to the Clinic along the previous route, I never understood why so many local resources were being expended (in my view, wasted) to reshape an area’s geography — including tearing down existing homes and businesses — in order to expedite a commute for the staff and patients of a particular hospital. But I’ve come to understand just how much sway the Clinic holds in the region. And as the Clinic’s top tour guide told a reporter in 2017, the previous route “[went] through neighborhoods that people don’t want to go through,” and the Opportunity Corridor would help staff and patients get to the hospital faster. That was always the rationale. Community development and the associated jobs were always window dressing, though they received top billing in the press releases. “The promise of this project is Jobs! Jobs! Jobs!” Armond Budish all

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

but orgasmed at the ribbon cutting earlier this month. One side effect of “getting to the hospital faster” is that the Opportunity Corridor will now apparently be favored by emergency vehicles and others in a stupendous rush. Twice on my outward journey did I pull over for ambulances barreling toward University Circle.

DIGIT WIDGET 3rd Cuyahoga County’s rank, among all counties in the United States, for new Covid cases per capita, according to analysis by the New York Times. Only Tomkins County, New York, and Pike County, Illinois had more new cases per 100,000 residents.

17 Total number of missionaries from a Holmes-County-based Christian organization who were captured in October by a Haitian street gang. The final 12 hostages, including an infant and two children, escaped last week and are now safe in the United States .

$500,000 Grant that the local Manufacturing Advocacy and Growth Network (MAGNET) will receive as a finalist in the U.S. Economic Development Agency’s (EDA) “Build Back Better Regional Challenge.” If selected as a winner, MAGNET could receive as much as $100 million for local manufacturing initiatives.

10 months Expected duration of closure of the Center Street Bridge in the Flats, beginning Jan. 3, resulting in a two-mile detour on Columbus, W. 25th Street, Main Avenue to get from the Oxbow of the Flats to the West Bank.

Bobby George Files Federal Lawsuit over Restaurant Revitalization Fund’s Policy Prioritizing Women and Minority-Owned Businesses In a federal lawsuit filed last week in the Northern District of Ohio, Bobby George, along with other restaurant owners in Ohio and Florida, alleged that the Small Business Administration expedited Covid-19 relief money from the Restaurant Revitalization Fund according to a policy that prioritized women, veteran and minority-owned businesses “in order to avoid effective Court review.” That policy was struck down by various courts around the country mere weeks after the RRF opened for applications in May. By the time the courts acted, ruling the SBA couldn’t prioritize relief based on gender or race, the $28.6 billion set aside for restaurants in the American Rescue Plan Act by Congress had been exhausted. The Restaurant Revitalization Fund effort was plagued by general confusion, errors, and a crush of applicants vying for a slice of the pie that was never large enough to help everyone: More than 265,000 businesses didn’t receive grants, applicants sought three times ($75 billion) more than what had

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

Halloran skating rink photo courtesy city of cleveland

UPFRONT

On my return trip, a police SUV, sirens blaring, sped by me as I was stopped at a red light. A Cleveland Clinic “Lab Technologies” van passed me at nearly 60 mph along the Juvenile Justice Center stretch. The whole thing saddened me: an exorbitantly expensive road cutting through census tracts mired in poverty, with nothing but the Taj Mahals of the carceral state along it. These juxtapositions should once again be interpreted as indictments of the city, county, state and chamber of commerce policy agendas. In the face of the city’s poverty, and as the planet hurtles toward climate disaster, they are still prioritizing infrastructure for personal vehicles. Consequently, pieces of historic, neglected neighborhoods in Cleveland have been torn up and recast as a suburban boulevard. Right about when Opportunity Corridor became E. 105th Street, I was struck by the notion that maybe this is what driving to Abu-Dhabi is like: through an empty desert, toward the glittering palaces and playgrounds of the local royalty. -Sam Allard

been allocated, and more than 3,000 women and minority-owned businesses that had initially received approvals had their grants rescinded after courts issued rulings on the priority policy. The lawsuit from George and others claims the SBA dispersed the funds while knowing the policy was unconstitutional. “It is obvious that the SBA and the Defendants accelerated the review process in order to avoid review by the Courts,” the lawsuit contends. The priority line for restaurant relief was designed by lawmakers and the SBA to target businesses owned by historically disadvantaged groups, especially after studies showed that minority businesses were disproportionately kept out of the Paycheck Protection Program in 2020. In a May 2021 statement to the New York Times, a spokesperson from the Small Business Administration expressed frustration at the court rulings: “While we cannot comment on the specifics of the litigation, it is the North Star of the U.S. Small Business Administration to assist underserved small businesses, and we’ll continue to do so.” George declined to comment when reached by Scene. -Vince Grzegorek

Is the Halloran Ice Skating Rink Open Yet? Yes and No. With holiday festivities across the city in full swing, from Winterfest downtown to Nela Park’s annual light display, and Christmas less than ten days away, some Cleveland residents have wondered why the Halloran skating rink (3550 West 117) isn’t yet open for the season, or

at least doesn’t appear to be. The public rink is the only one operated by the city and is free for visitors. (Skates are available to rent for $1.) A postcard to Ward 11 residents from councilman Brian Mooney in November announced the rink would open on Nov. 22, weather permitting. It’s now nearly Christmas. “I just talked to a resident about this,” Mooney told Scene. While the ice was laid right around Thanksgiving, the rink didn’t welcome its first skaters until last week, Mooney said, and even then the operation has been on a day-to-day schedule. According to the councilman, the delay and the erratic schedule are due to a few things. “One factor is the outside weather,” he said. “Even though you have cooling underneath, when you have temperatures near the 60s, you just can’t do it. It’s too sloppy and wet on those warm days, and we’ve had quite a few of them this year.” Halloran is a true ice skating rink, with real frozen water, which means the weather is a factor for its schedule and not for rinks like the one at Wade Oval, which is synthetic ice. The second factor is the roof, which is full of holes and scheduled to be replaced in 2022. “The roof is in such poor condition, there are so many leaks that water comes through and drips on the ice and it creates holes that make it dangerous for skating,” he said. Everything aligned last week, and Halloran was open Monday and Tuesday this week, but was closed yesterday and is closed today.

That information can only be found if you call the rink — the Halloran page on the city’s website still has the fall schedule, and there’s no dedicated social media — which Mooney admits is a problem. “You know the city’s website,” he said. “The city can do better, we hope we do better.” Halloran is also still operating with limited capacity and residents must schedule a time in advance, which, yes, can only be done by calling the rink at 216-664-4187. Debuted as an open-air affair on Christmas Eve in 1959, a roof was added in 1975 and the city invested $1.5 million in the facility in recent years. “It’s one of the rare, true outdoor skating rinks,” Mooney said. -Vince Grzegorek

More Core Values from the Chamber of Commerce Having clocked the schizophrenia of trying to cast the poorest city in the United States as the greatest city in the world, and having tried and failed to cure the region’s ills with an array of snake oils—a magic startup to solve poverty, a blockchain hub, a summit on “inclusive growth”—local civic leaders seem to have dialed back their boosterism. In the harsh emergency-room lighting of the Covid-19 era, they now simply want to make Northeast Ohio a “great region on the Great Lakes.” That’s the modest proposal of Greater Cleveland Partnership CEO Baiju Shah, at any rate. The chamber of commerce executive, who took the reins from Joe Roman earlier this year, is out with a new op-ed in the Plain Dealer / cleveland.com that purports to delineate the civic system›s corevalues. These values, Shah says, define the “mindset, spirit and practices” of big civic projects undertaken by the public, private and nonprofit sectors working in “purposeful partnerships” to help Cleveland regather momentum from 2016. Back then, we are told, before the system fractured, Cleveland was poised to regain its stature, (as a great city on the Great Lakes). It’s perhaps no accident that these values’ organizing principle is borrowed from the Cleveland Cavaliers’ marketing slogan at the time: “All In.” Shah writes: “These values start with being INspired, include being INnovative, INclusive, INvolved,

INterconnected, and end with INtegrity and IN-unity, always focused on community outcomes, not on who leads, supports, or gets credit.” (I’ll refrain from commenting on the grammatical clumsiness of these values—my position has not changed—other than to say that including a lone prepositional phrase seems to be IN-violation of core-value copywriting tenets everywhere.) From his GCP perch, Shah can be expected to chime in every once in awhile to communicate with his membership. And as the region’s putative “innovation czar,” he can be expected to make bold—or at least bold-sounding— pronouncements, which tend to be relayed in the style of corporate communications departments. While we “consternated,” the pandemic ensued, challenging us all. Yet despite social distancing, it is bringing us together again. The pandemic has rekindled an “AllIn” spirit uniting us to protect our community. It has also generated significant opportunities to rebuild our region. We now have an extraordinary chance to regain our momentum and our standing. And that is beginning to happen. Through the concerted work of many, our civic system is restoring and aligning again. The core-value stuff is easy to mock, but it’s mostly a pretext for Shah to discuss the current priorities of the chamber of commerce: making Cleveland a hub for smart manufacturing; promoting sector partnerships in manufacturing, IT, and health care to train and place workers in indemand jobs; scaling up minority businesses; championing real estate development downtown and along the city’s waterways. “These are examples of a mending system,” Shah writes, of the explosion of new projects underway, including the Progressive Field renovation, the Sherwin-Williams headquarters and the so-called Innovation District. That’s certainly one way to look at it. Another is to regard these developments as examples of a broken system, one in which the public sector perpetually subsidizes the private sector to ensure its growth, even as the community suffers. And the community is indeed suffering: CMSD is hanging on by the thinnest of threads. Who December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

UPFRONT

clevescene.com

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

even knows how many thousands of students have fallen through the cracks for good? Gun violence and drug overdoses have skyrocketed in 2021. Huge numbers of Clevelanders once again can’t afford their rent, their power or their water. Covid variants continue to mutate and pounce. But the public, private and nonprofit sectors—what Shah calls the “civic system”—are evidently restoring and aligning. They’re certainly up to their old tricks. In recent weeks, the city and county voted to hand over about $285 million in public dollars for renovations at Progressive Field, (renovations that will include a lavish expansion of the Guardians corporate offices, a nice bonus for the Dolans). Last year, the city greenlit an incentive package that provides $100 million in subsidies to Sherwin-Williams for its global headquarters, a handout that could have fully funded the Lead Safe Cleveland program on its own. The “Innovation District,” a partnership between the local hospital systems, universities and the public sector, is a project made possible by $265 million in state subsidies. Its goal is to help make Cleveland a national leader in pathogen research and, per Cleveland.com, to “lure tens of thousands of new jobs and investment to the region, to make Cleveland an even bigger center of biomedical innovation and startups.” The $265 million contribution from the state is roughly the value of the Cleveland Clinic’s “fair share deficit.” That›s another way of saying that the Clinic makes $261 million more per year in tax breaks than it spends on community and charity care. It›s the highest such deficit in the country. All of this new development might be encouraging for folks who use “leverage” as a verb on a daily basis, but it’s downright sickening for people living on the margins. For them, the asymmetry of resources could not be clearer. People watch in horror as every day more public money flows to private interests and billionaires—these are the public’s supposed “partners”— and the public never seems to be any better off. That’s one big reason why the city’s population has been shrinking for seven consecutive

decades. And it’s a big reason why many of us will have have a hard time getting INspired by the communiques of leaders celebrating this time-honored extractive relationship as an INnovative and INclusive future. -Sam Allard

Cleveland Hospitals Take Out Full-Page Plain Dealer Ad Begging Public to Get Vaccinated as Covid Rages “Help.” That’s how the full-page ad in the Sunday Plain Dealer taken out by the Cleveland Clinic, MetroHealth, University Hospitals, Summa Health, the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs and St. Vincent Charity Medical Center begins. “We need your help. We now have more COVID-19 patients in our hospitals than ever before. And the overwhelming majority are unvaccinated. This is preventable,” the plea continues. Covid-19 infections have skyrocketed in Northeast Ohio — Cuyahoga County has the highest rate of spread of any county in the state — and hospitals warned last week that despite lingering public sentiment that the Omicron variant produces milder outcomes, hospital beds are near capacity and staff are overwhelmed and the hospitals are postponing non-urgent surgeries to maintain the ability to treat the influx of Covid patients. In an effort to alleviate some of the staffing pressure, Gov. Mike DeWine last week ordered more than 1,000 Ohio National Guard members to provide assistance at hospitals across the state. Health officials have said that the current wave will get worse, thanks to holiday gatherings and travel, along with Omicron’s ability to quickly spread. “We are learning this variant is more transmissible, and we are seeing evidence of this by the increased spread in our community,” the Clinic said last week in a statement. About 45% of Ohioans aren’t fully vaccinated, and only 36% have gotten their booster, which experts have said is the only real defense against the Omicron variant. “We need you to care as much as we do,” the ad closes. -Vince Grzegorek

scene@clevescene.com @clevelandscene

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

FEATURE

THE

BEST THINGS WE ATE IN CLEVELAND IN 2021

By Douglas Trattner I, LIKE MANY PEOPLE, abstained from indoor dining between March 2020 and spring of this year, when I made a couple visits to the Wolstein Center. Looking back over the past year of dining, a theme emerged: all of my favorite meals were enjoyed inside a restaurant (except for barbecue, naturally), proving that take-out is no substitute for the dinein experience.

Mare Seafood Platter at Acqua di Luca

Even the tallest, priciest seafood towers never manage to live up to our expectations. A few raw oysters, a couple chewy clams, some watery boiled shrimp – all of it tepid, none of it worth the tariff. Acqua di Luca scraps the predictable tiered tower of chilled seafood in favor of a resplendent platter of buttery,

wine-steamed shellfish. Roll up your sleeves and celebrate with a mountain of king crab legs, shrimp, mussels, clams, calamari, scallops and a whole lobster.

Gujarati Thali at Annapurna Indian food fans in Cleveland don’t come across many thalis, those large circular platters containing myriad small vessels of food. Annapurna in Parma offers two different versions, both more than worth the drive. But the Gujarati edges out the Punjabi thanks to a more exciting blend of breads, curries, pickles, chutneys and dessert. And like everything served at this mom-and-pop shop, it’s vegetarian.

Sunday Gravy at Cent’s Pizza I might have eaten more pizza in

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

2021 than in any previous year (save for those thrifty undergrad ones). But I also managed to enjoy better slices than ever thanks to new entries like Chatty’s, Pizzeria DiLauro, Boom’s, ETalian and Cornerspot. But the best pizza award goes out to Cent’s, which opened last summer in Ohio City. Vincent Morelli not only is making some of the best Neapolitan-ish pies in town, he’s dishing them up in a festive tangerine-colored dream world.

Chicken Chow Mein at Cafe Everest I can’t recall the last time I ordered chow mein, but it likely was decades ago. Ruined in childhood by plates of soggy, soupy, salty adaptations, why would I. Café Everest, a Nepalese and Indian restaurant in the Bellaire-Puritas neighborhood, opened my eyes to a whole new

world. The version prepared here stars firm, not soft or flabby, noodles that are just barely coated in sauce. The predominant flavors are garlic, ginger, cumin and chile, with only a few dashes of soy sauce.

Brisket at Joe’s Barbecue I have only one issue with Joe’s Barbecue: it’s located 45 miles from home in rural Brimfield Township. Joe Menendez works magic out of a wood-sided trailer parked on a small gravel lot. Inside that wagon sits a 1,000-pound offset smoker turning out whole racks of ribs, half chickens, sliced turkey and pulled pork. But it’s the bark-blistered brisket, seasoned with nothing more than salt and pepper and smoked over wood for 14 hours, that bothers my dreams. Succulent, drippy, bendy beef pudding it is.

Biscuits and Gravy at Sleepy Rooster

Craig Fitzgerald is wise enough to know when and how to play the chef card. Most of his culinary school chops are reserved for ingredient selection, technique and execution in the kitchen rather than wild creativity on the plate. It’s breakfast after all. In the stellar biscuits and gravy, those flaky house-baked comfort cakes are smothered in peppery sausage gravy, which seeps into the crispy home fries, which also are exemplary.

Combination Platter at Habesha Some cuisines demand to be enjoyed in a restaurant, preferably with friends, and Ethiopian certainly is one of them. The experience of sitting around a colorful platter of food – literally breaking bread together – elevates the food to new heights. Habesha allowed us to once again savor that feeling as we devoured a doro wot combination dotted with

berbere-spiced chicken, lentil stews and refreshing mixed salads, all scooped up with injera.

Literally Everything at Arthur Treacher’s

In an odd twist of fate, I visited Arthur Treacher’s Fish and Chips in Garfield Heights one week before it closed, thus making the Cuyahoga Falls location the last man standing. I went knowing that time was running out for the fabled brand, which peaked at 825 stores. The one on Mayfield Road was a family favorite growing up in the `70s. I shared the experience in real time with my brothers over the phone as I (we) dunked crispy pie-shaped fish fillets in tartar sauce, inhaled squiggly fried clams and disappeared one too many hush puppies.

Omakase at Bar Oni Bar Oni is the amusement park version of a restaurant, where chefowner Matthew Spinner (the carnival

barker) inveigles passersby into his concessions tent for a night of chow, rowdiness and hijinks. Simply put, it’s a blast. While boozing is a main draw, it’s the izakaya-style small plates that provide the base. Get the omakase and let Spinner and team prepare a steady stream of grilled vegetable and meat kebabs like blistered peppers, glazed pork belly and every blessed part of the yardbird.

Mango Salmon at Lulo Kitchen One of the nicest surprises of 2021 was stumbling into Lulo Kitchen in the Warehouse District, which has the feel of a boho-chic juice bar on Tulum’s famous beach road. There, chef Stefhanie Montoya lovingly prepares pan-Latin dishes morning, noon and night. Like a rainbow on a plate, the mango salmon features a flank of flaky seared salmon atop a bed of rice that is topped with finely diced fruits and veggies and ringed by vibrant wheels of watermelon radish.

Twisted Taino in Ohio City I caught up with enthusiastic chef Jose Melendez before he relocated his Latin hotspot from a stall at the Sauce the City Galley to a brick-and-mortar restaurant in Parma. I’m assuming his vibrant, creative, satisfying food has only improved since the move. In dishes like Margie’s Barrel, his stellar mofongo is stuffed with garlic shrimp, guajillo-roasted pork or crispy chicharron before getting sauced and garnished with fried potato sticks.

Birria Tacos at Cloak & Dagger The owners of Cloak & Dagger indeed are making magic in Tremont. They so thoroughly have transformed the interior of a revolving-door property that memories grow short and evenings stretch on. The cocktail program is second to none, with illustrated menus ticking off dreamy elixirs. To eat, there are vegan birria tacos made from mushrooms that prove the perfect partner to drinks like the bourbon-based King of the Dead.

The Trends We Love, and Could Do Without, Right Now in Cleveland Dining SELL: Disposable Everything Raise your hand if you happen to be appalled by the amount of garbage generated by restaurants over the past two years. Whether you label it compostable, disposable or single use, the truth of the matter is that most of it winds up in a landfill. Obviously, carry-out and delivery requires it, and inexpensive fast-casual restaurants rely on it, but let’s try and draw the line there. If we’re sitting down to eat, and forking over more than $10, maybe we can eat on a real dish, drink out of a proper glass and cut our food with something other than a spork.

BUY: Tinned Fish Thanks go out to places like Alea, Astoria and Cent’s, who recognize the beauty of tinned fish. We’re not taking about a can of mushy tuna fish here, but rather meticulously packed tins of preserved fish and seafood, much of it hailing from Spain and Portugal. Sure, delicacies like anchovies in vinegar, sardines in olive oil, cockles in brine and mussels in escabeche are great on a picnic, but more and more restaurants are making a meal out of them by adding bread and accompaniments.

HOLD: Batched Cocktails Like most things, there is a time and a

place for batched cocktails. Visitors to busy establishments doubtless appreciate the efficiency and consistency that pre-made cocktails provide. But that same consistency also prevents imbibers from getting exactly what they desire. I’ve never met a margarita that wasn’t too sweet or too weak or too tart. What if you love negronis, but only when made with Tanqueray? And where’s the pomp in pouring a cocktail from a gallon jug?

BUY: Restaurant Tech We’re in for another long, stressful, Covid-filled winter. That means embracing any sort of restaurant technology that makes it safer for staff and diners, allows fewer employees to manage the room, and helps deal with the inevitable product shortages. From QR codes that conjure digital menus that can be edited on the fly to apps that allow diners to control their own order and pay experience, tech is the new normal everywhere but in the finest of fine-dining places.

BUY: Outdoor Dining If you’ve ever traveled to Toronto or Montreal in the fall, you’ve likely seen people dining outdoors regardless the temperature. They’re bundled up in puffers, legs swaddled in woolen blankets, and warmed by the occasional heat lamp. Here, it’s only the crazy-ass

smokers and Browns fans who step outside post Labor Day. Cleveland has made incredible progress when it comes to restaurant patios (you should have seen us in 2000), but there’s much room for improvement. Not only do we need better places to perch, but we also need braver souls to do so.

SELL: Fried Chicken Joints Stick a fork in it, they’re done. I’d say that we crested the wave and have reached peak crispiness, but unfortunately, I write a restaurant news column so I know better. In addition to admittedly amazing joints like Angie’s, Soho, Chicken Ranch and V’s, not to mention countless restaurants that offer killer chicken sammies, Cleveland is next in line for deep-pocketed (and typically franchised) national chains like Dave’s Hot Chicken and Gus’s World Famous Fried Chicken.

BUY: Late-Night Dining Hats off to Will Hollingsworth, who recently moved heaven and earth to extend the kitchen hours at Prosperity to midnight. It’s always been a challenge to secure late-night eats in this town – unless we’re talking Crunchwrap Supremes – but thanks to Covid it’s practically impossible. Staff already are stretched so thin that maintaining even regular hours is wishful thinking. Here’s

hoping that in the near future, we night owls get some love.

BUY: Food Halls We were supposed to be swimming in food halls by now. In cities like Chicago and New York they seem to be popping up on every block, but here in Cleveland we’ve been staring at the same two for years – and one of them, the Sauce the City Galley, only has a few stalls and zero booze. The other, Van Aken District’s Market Hall, is bustling, proof that when done well, they benefit diner, operator and landlord alike.

HOLD: Seafood Boil Joints A few years back, in a review of Cleveland’s first “boiling seafood” concept, I predicted that the trend would take off. Boy howdy has it ever. Not even donut, barbecue and fried chicken places have managed to keep pace with the number of joints around town that specialize in boiled, sauced and bagged seafood. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a super-fun dining experience and, assuming the fish and seafood are fresh, delicious too. But variety is the real spice of life.

SELL: Brussels Sprouts Seriously. What is up with all the Brussels sprouts? —DOUGLAS TRATTNER

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

Everything to do in Cleveland for the next two weeks Connor and Rachel Dwyer

GET OUT WED 12/29

John Crist comes to the Agora. See: Saturday, Jan. 8.

Clutch/Stoner/Native Howl Veteran rockers Clutch bring the third and final leg of their 30 Years Of Rock & Roll tour to town tonight with special guests Stöner featuring Brant Bjork and Nick Oliveri and Native Howl. The band released its 12th studio album, Book of Bad Decisions, in 2018 and just wrapped recording the follow-up release. The show begins at 8 tonight. Consult the Agora website for more info. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.

THU 12/30 Holiday Lunchtime Music Series Young artists from the CIM-CWRU joint music program will present a lively mix of seasonal chamber music today at noon at the Cleveland Museum of Art. Admission is free, but seating is limited. 11150 East Blvd., 216-421-7350, clevelandart.org.

FRI 12/31 Cleveland Pops New Year’s Eve Concert & Party Ring in the New Year at 9 p.m. at Severance with conductor Carl Topilow and the Cleveland Pops Orchestra. Guest vocalist Connor Bogart O’Brien and Shining Star Winners Ethan Peterson and Calista Zajac will join the festivities, and there will be a midnight balloon drop as well as dancing to the Pops Jazz Ensemble and No-Name Band. Tickets start at $31. 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.

SAT 01/01 The Harlem Globetrotters The Harlem Globetrotters bring their unrivaled ball-handling wizardry, high-flying dunks and gut-busting comedy to the Covelli Centre today. This basketball/entertainment bonanza is fun for the whole family. Plus, rumor has it that, this year, the Globetrotters’ pitiable rivals, the Washington Generals, have been practicing with unprecedented rigor and focus. They’re eager for a win. The guys play today at 2 p.m. The

team also plays tomorrow at the Canton Civic Center. Find more info on the venues’ websites. 229 East Front St., Youngstown, 330746-5600, covellicentre.com.

SUN 01/02 Wicked Wicked, the Broadway musical based on The Wizard of Oz, has been through town a few times already. Yet every time it comes back around, it puts up huge numbers. While it might seem better suited to Halloween, the play, which details how the Wicked Witch of the West came to develop her deep-seated hatred for Glenda the Good, appeals to the entire family. So with some free time over the holidays, why not take the whole brood to Playhouse Square to check it out? Today’s performances conclude the play’s run. See it at 1 and 6:30 p.m. at the State Theatre. Consult the Playhouse

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

Square website for more info. 1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

MON 01/03 Vegan Monday Each Monday, the Winchester chef puts together a special vegan menu featuring items such as comfort burgers, Philly burgers and peach cobbler. The kitchen opens up at 4 p.m. and stays open until midnight. Check the website for more info. 12112 Madison Ave., Lakewood, 216-600-5338, facebook.com/ TheWinchesterMusicTavern.

TUE 01/04 Cavaliers vs. Memphis Grizzlies The Memphis Grizzlies raised eyebrows earlier this season when they blew out the Oklahoma City Thunder by 73 points, dropping

152 points on the hapless Thunder. The Grizzlies bring their highpower offense to Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse tonight to take on the Cavs in what should be a real battle. Tipoff is at 7:30 at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse. Check the venue website for ticket prices and more info. One Center Court, 216-420-2000, rocketmortgagefieldhouse.com.

WED 01/05 Tom Segura Tom Segura likes to talk about face tattoos, drug overdoses and his hatred for hipsters on bikes. He tells his stories candidly, and his honesty is what makes them crudely funny. He’s not a total asshole, though; he does feel guilty when he eats cookies made by the Keebler elves while watching episodes of Little People, Big World. This guy’s not for the easily offended, but he knows how to deliver the laughs. You might want

to leave the kids at home for this one. The show starts at 7 at MGM Northfield Park — Center Stage, where Segura also performs at 6 and 10 p.m. tomorrow. Consult the venue’s website for more info. 10705 Northfield Rd., Northfield, 330-908-7793, mgmnorthfieldpark. mgmresorts.com/en.html.

THU 01/06 Levit Plays Brahms Second Piano Concerto Cleveland Orchestra teams up with pianist Igor Levit tonight at 7:30 at Mandel Concert Hall for a concert featuring Brahms’s towering Second Piano Concerto. Rounding out the concert is a new work by Hans Abrahamsen, whose work “Let Me Tell You” (performed by the Orchestra to great acclaim in 2016) has been called the “best classical work of the 21st century.” The program repeats tomorrow and Saturday too. Check the Cleveland Orchestra website for more info. 11001 Euclid Ave., 216-231-1111, clevelandorchestra.com.

FRI 01/07 GlamGore GlamGore is Cleveland’s newest monthly addition to LGBTQ nightlife. Each month, GlamGore features a variety of performance artists under one roof, ranging from beauty queens to drag monsters. One of few all-inclusive and all ages productions that incorporates themed performances to elevate artists and audiences alike, GlamGore features well-rounded drag entertainers of all shapes, sizes and styles from all over the country. Tonight’s theme is Night of 1000 Gagas, so expect to see an action-packed drag show featuring performances inspired by Mother Monster herself. It all starts at 9 at the Grog Shop. Tickets cost $12 in advance, $15 at the door. VIP tickets which include a photo opportunity, a meet-and-greet prior to the show and seating cost $20. 2785 Euclid Heights Blvd., Cleveland Heights, 216-321-5588, grogshop.gs.

SAT 01/08 John Crist Known for viral videos like “Honest Football Coach,” “Every Parent at

Disney” and “Brands that need to be CANCELLED,” social media sensation John Crist has become a hugely popular comic. He brings his Fresh Cuts Comedy Tour to the Agora tonight at 8. Check the venue’s website for ticket information. 5000 Euclid Ave., 216-881-2221, agoracleveland.com.

SUN 01/09 Elvis Tribute Artist Spectacular “Birthday Edition” This annual concert pays tribute to Elvis Presley with performances by some of the best Elvis entertainers in the world, including Shawn Klush, Cody Ray Slaughter and Ryan Pelton. The concert begins at 7 p.m. at the State Theatre. Consult the Playhouse Square website for more info. 1519 Euclid Ave., 216-241-6000, playhousesquare.org.

MON 01/10 Movie Mondays Every Monday, Cleveland Cinemas hosts $5 Movie Mondays, where film fans can catch up on the latest Hollywood flicks for significantly reduced prices. Bring your friends and family and make Movie Mondays a weekly tradition — many theaters even offer discounted concession stand items. Participating theaters include Apollo Theatre, Cedar Lee Theatre and Chagrin Cinemas. Additional charges apply for 3-D movies. clevelandcinemas.com.

TUE 01/11 Open Turntable Tuesday Tonight from 7 to 9, the Winchester hosts its weekly Open Turntable Tuesday. Jason Gokorsch will book guest DJs and offer slots to people who want to bring their own vinyl and spin their favorite songs or deep tracks. First time DJs are encouraged, and equipment is provided. Patrons can also bring records for the night’s DJ to add to their set. Sign up on Northeast Ohio Vinyl Club’s Facebook page. 12112 Madison Ave., Lakewood, 216-600-5338, facebook.com/ TheWinchesterMusicTavern.

scene@clevescene.com t@clevelandscene December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

EAT

NEW YEAR, NEW ADDITIONS

Photo by Doug Trattner

A huge batch of restaurant openings await Cleveland in 2022 By Douglas Trattner AFTER A DISASTROUS 2020, the Cleveland restaurant scene bounced back in a big way this past year. Local diners (and drinkers) were treated to high-profile openings like Goma, Acqua di Luca, JoJo’s Bar, Last Page, Cloak & Dagger, Avo Modern Mexican, BrewDog, Immigrant Son and Cent’s Pizza. While many of the same Covidrelated challenges persist, the coming year should be filled with compelling new entries as well. By the time you read this, Indie very likely will have opened. Owners Gabriel Zeller and Julie Mesenburg have reshaped the former Greenhouse Tavern space on East 4th into a shrine to independent music thanks to 100s of framed concert and tour posters. Diners can look ahead to Southern-styled foods, many shareable, along with musicthemed brunches. After a successful run as a ghost-kitchen concept, Doug Katz’s Amba is headed to the Hingetown neighborhood of Ohio City, where it is setting up shop in a former printing press. When it opens in the coming weeks, the slickly designed dining room will feature a bar and semi-open kitchen. A separate barroom will offer a different, more casual small-plates atmosphere. For years, the historic United Banking and Trust Building in Ohio City had been home to Crop Bistro. Soon, it will reopen as Bartleby, a “modern supper club” from owner Morgan Yagi. Designed by renowned Cleveland architecture firm Walker & Weeks, the dazzling space features

35-foot ceilings, an original mural and a lower-level bank vault. Rocco Whalen is relocating his 20-year-old Tremont hotspot Fahrenheit to the long-dormant John Q’s Steakhouse spot on Public Square. When it opens in late 2022, the restaurant will boast an 8,000-square-foot main floor and 4,300-square-foot second level with rooftop seating. Expect an even finer-dining version of the celebrated restaurant. When Nighttown, the iconic Cleveland Heights jazz club and restaurant, closed in 2020, its future looked bleak. But stepping up to save the day was Gregg Levy, whose Red Restaurant Group announced that it would reopen the storied property after extensive renovations and infrastructure improvements. When all is said and done, INTRO in Ohio City will offer residents and visitors three separate F&B options. Leaps and Bounds will be a stylish all-day café. Pioneer is a spacious, contemporary but casual sports bar serving wood-fired foods. And Jaja, a second-floor dining room featuring a retractable glass roof and airy patio, will serve small plates and steaks with a lounge-like vibe. One of the last remaining marquee restaurant spaces at Van Aken District was snagged by the team behind Giovanni’s and Smokin’ Q’s BBQ. The 4,400-square-foot property, which is next door to Kindred Spirit, will become Paloma, a polished taco-focused Mexican restaurant. There still is a lot that we don’t

know about Cordelia, the restaurant that is presently taking shape in the former Lola space on East 4th Street. What we do know is that it will be operated by Andrew Watts of Forward Hospitality and is expected to open in spring. Since it opened in 2017, Terrestrial has managed to get by with pop-up taco shops and weekend brunches. But in the coming year the Battery Park brewery will unveil a 70-seat full-service restaurant in an adjacent space, where chef Penny Tagliarina will prepare Californiainspired farm-to-table fare. After an 18-year run, A. Brendan Walton shuttered his popular Gateway District spot A.J. Rocco’s. When it reawakens in the coming year, it will do so next door in the former Huron Point Tavern/Alesci’s building, which is undergoing significant improvements. The full-service bar and restaurant will be casual enough to accommodate sports lovers but nice enough for date night. Kyler Smith of Sauce Boiling Seafood Express fame is putting the finishing touches on Filter, his biggest move yet. The fine-dining, full-service restaurant will open in the former Take 5 Rhythm and Jazz space in the Perry–Payne Building. When it does, the restaurant will inject a much-needed dose of entertainment and nightlife into that corner of the city. The Flats East Bank is getting a “chic, romantic and intimate” wine bar called Cherie. Partners Merrick Wolstein and Amanda Chamoun

have gone to great lengths to create a European-inspired lair with lounge-style seating, banquettes and chandeliers. Guests can look forward to small plates to pair with the vino. Any day now, Smokey’s BBQ and Saloon will bring the intoxicating scent of slow-smoked meats to the Flats East Bank. Chef James Baker, son of Al “Bubba” Baker, will be leaning on his years of experience when firing up the Southern Pride to make brisket, pulled pork, ribs, chicken and sausage. The meats will be joined by sides like mac and cheese, greens and baked beans. Zdenko Zovkic closed his Warehouse District mainstay XO Prime Steaks, but soon we can find him down in the Flats, where he’ll be presiding over Jade. This ambitious Asian-fusion concept will offer guests three different experiences on three different levels. Moving up from the ground floor, diners will progress from street food and sushi to upscale dining and finally a stylish rooftop club. Larchmere Tavern closed this summer after nearly 30 years. In the coming months, Michael Paley and property owner Louis Jacobs will open a cocktail-forward establishment they hope will be on par in terms of quality with the likes of Velvet Tango Room, Spotted Owl and Porco Lounge. There will be small plates to go with the spirits. PonyBoys will bring modern Mexican fare to Chagrin Falls. Opening soon, the 60-seat restaurant from industry vets Ryan Scanlon and Christian Kalinyak will offer “elevated Mexican street food.” Solon-based operators Jay Leitson and Izzy Schachner (of 56 Kitchen and Birdigo) are at it again with Elle. Set inside the former Harvest Kitchen property, the “Bohemian-chic” Mediterranean restaurant will focus on bright, fresh and seasonal dishes, many cooked over a live-fire grill. This year, Dan Deagan will attempt to replicate the success of his Lakewood Truck Park on the other side of town when he opens the Beachwood Truck Park. Apart from the architecture, a decommissioned fire station on Chagrin Boulevard, the setup and systems will be largely familiar to fans. Other projects that Scene is keeping tabs on include Karen Small’s Juneberry, Northstar Café, Martha on the Fly, Mabel’s BBQ East, Choolaah in Ohio City, Anna in the Raw, and Pins Mechanical/16-Bit in Ohio City.

dtrattner@clevescene.com t@dougtrattner

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

EAT

BITES

Photo by Erik Drost/FlickrCC

Michael Symon and Doug Trattner’s Latest Cookbook, ‘Fix It With Food: Every Meal Easy,’ Officially Out Now

Consultant’s report on West Side Market places blame on city for decline By Vince Grzegorek THE WEST SIDE MARKET HAS survived in recent years despite mismanagement by the city of Cleveland, a near-complete lack of interest in modernizing its operation, no attempts at finding alternate revenue streams, and zero marketing, but could be turned around with a drastic change in culture, a plan to activate the space with events and seating for visitors, and a concerted effort to coordinate and cooperate with all the various stakeholders in the area, according to a 95-page draft report from nationally recognized market consultant David O’Neil. Cleveland.com first published the draft’s findings in a story that also included a report that Mayor Frank Jackson directed O’Neil to not include a recommendation that management of the market be transferred to an independent operator. “How could you not address it in the report? Well, the city didn’t want it addressed in the report. But I thought that it’s definitely a possibility here. And I’m confident that there are many things in the report that are transferable to a new management entity,” O’Neil told Cleveland.com. Regardless, his draft report makes clear that while the market faces numerous problems and

obstacles, the city of Cleveland bears the brunt of the blame for how we got here. Here, according to the consultant’s report, can be summarized thusly: “With historically high vacancies, aging infrastructure, no marketing, and poor Management/Vendor relations, the market is either in crisis or precrisis and the time to act is now.” “The city can continue to be sincere about its desire to change the culture by acting and working with the potential partners that this consulting process has brought to the table,” it reads. “Together, the resources are there to make a difference but there will need to be dedicated staff at the market to develop these partnerships.” The nuts and bolts of the findings across the 95 pages mirror the concerns and complaints of tenants, neighbors and the general public frequently voiced in recent years: Vendors are unhappy; new vendors aren’t recruited; there’s no communal seating space; there’s a lack of prepared foods; the arcade and the alley aren’t activated; service needs get buried in bureaucracy; a small management team barely responds to ongoing needs, let alone plans for the future; and the city has soured relationships with just about

Tremont in August: “Bibb believes absolutely that the market needs a new nonprofit manager, and noted that he was aligned with McCormack in that respect. ‘I’m not an expert on everything,’ he said, ‘and it’s important that we bring experts inside City Hall who understand how to manage a public market.’ Bibb believes that the WSM is a ‘gem of an asset’ and that a nonprofit operator would most effectively preserve it as such.” However he decides to proceed, the market’s future hangs in the balance: “The next few years will be quite challenging – to simultaneously rebuild the strength of the market during an unpredictable global pandemic and maintain continuous operations while it undergoes its largest ever capital improvement program as the city makes a $12M investment in the market’s future, scheduled to begin later this year,” the consultant’s report says.

everyone involved. O’Neil’s report includes 200 recommendations, small and large, for how to rectify the situation, along with a slimmed-down list of action items that could be accomplished and provide serious help in the next two to three years. “These action steps include creating flexible public spaces, organizing seasonal events, giving the market a deep clean and bringing new vendors and products to the market,” the report says. “Overall, the most important change needed is to build the capacity of management, so it can implement positive changes and move the Market forward. However, the City cannot and should not do it alone. The best future for the market will be achievable with the efforts of many including UWSMTA and the vendors, neighborhood stakeholders, funders, and community partners.” Transferring operations to a non-profit entity has been a popular rallying cry, and while not universally held as the best possible option (plenty of folks believe the city could simply manage it better), it’s one that incoming Cleveland mayor Justin Bibb said he was in favor of on the campaign trail earlier this year. As Scene reported from a mayoral candidate forum in

Michael Symon’s latest cookbook, Fix It with Food: Every Meal Easy, officially hit the streets two weeks ago. As usual, the book is coauthored by Scene dining editor Douglas Trattner. The book expands upon the anti-inflammation tools, tips, resets and recipes that made the previous Fix It with Food book such a success (and New York Times bestseller). From the publisher: “120+ simple, delicious recipes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to help you manage autoimmune issues all day – plus an all-new 10-day, 30-recipe reset to identify your food triggers – from the author of Fix It with Food.” Symon explained that, along with all new recipes and countless other additions, this book provides tips and lists for ingredient swaps and substitutions and more flexibility when it comes to portion sizes. “As usual, it’s a long, challenging, but ultimately rewarding process to work on any cookbook,” Trattner said. “The entire team of people involved in Michael Symon cookbooks – and lead and inspired by Symon at every turn – are literally the best in the business and I learn something new every single time.” Find the book at your local booksellers.

vgrzegorek@clevescene.com t@vincethepolack

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

Circa Survive will revisit its major label debut. Photo byPhoby Mo

MUSIC A NATURAL PROGRESSION

Circa Survive brings Blue Sky Noise anniversary tour to House of Blues By Jeff Niesel TOURING AND RECORDING AS Circa Survive has meant full-time work for its band members ever since the emo act formed some 17 years ago. So when the touring industry shut down in 2020 because of the pandemic, the band found itself in an awkward position since a major tour had to be postponed, shutting off much-needed revenue. “Our touring schedule ebbs and flows, and we take time off, but we usually prepare for the time off by saving money,” says guitarist Colin Frangicetto in a recent phone interview from his Philadelphia home where he was working on some of his visual art. “We had been off for eight months, and we had to scramble to figure out how to survive. The first thing we did was start a Patreon. I had started my own for my visual art projects, so I had the gist of how to do it. I knew our fans would be on board for sure. We shifted into full-time content creators. Patreon was able to sustain us all the way through, which is just absolutely amazing and not something many bands can say they were able to do.” Frangicetto says the band recorded a cover song, a reimagined Circa song and a live song every month. On top of that, it released podcasts and special videos too. “That became endlessly consuming but also a cool way for us to stay in touch with each other and stay actively creative,” he says. The band even added some finishing touches to A Dream About Love, the album it had started recording prior to the pandemic. Once venues reopened, Circa Survive rebooked the Blue Sky Noise anniversary tour that it had slated for 2020. The trek comes to House of Blues on Sunday, Jan. 9. The band’s major label debut, 2010’s Blue Sky Noise found the group making the use of essentially unlimited resources and taking time to focus on the songwriting side of things. “The label connected us with

David Bottrill, and we adored his production work,” says Frangicetto. “We wouldn’t have been able to work with him otherwise. That was really special. [Atlantic Records] were helpful partners. Maybe sometimes we didn’t see eye to eye or get our vision at times, but they trusted us for the most part and supported us. It was cool. I could say, ‘Look dad. We’re putting records out with the label that put out Led Zeppelin records.’” While critics often describe the more refined album as a departure from the group’s punk rock background, Frangicetto says the progression was a natural one that the band — not the label — instigated. “Coming off the heels of the first two records that we made with Brian McTernan, we learned how to become better songwriters,” says Frangicetto. “For Blue Sky Noise, we had the time and space to flex that muscle. We were demoing that record for almost two years. We demoed almost 100 songs. It was really wild. We went from write, record, tour for four years straight and then stopped and just went to this house we rented to write and demo. In the middle of that, we fired our management. The main goal was just to grow as songwriters.” On Blue Sky Noise, the band’s nascent pop sensibilities come across in songs such as the cascading opening number “Strange Terrain,” an accessible proggy number that finds singer Anthony Green effectively expanding his vocal range, and “Frozen Creek,” a song that features shimmering guitars and crooning vocals. “Pop is a huge part of our musical DNA as a band,” says Frangicetto. “All of us have different influences. [David] Bowie is a big one. When I was just a kid, it was Michael Jackson. From there, my dad exposed me to Paul Simon and Peter Gabriel. There’s a classic rock influence [on Blue Sky Noise]. When I was 16. I remember having

CIRCA SURVIVE, TIGERS JAW AND SOUL GLOW 6:30 P.M. SUNDAY, JAN. 9, HOUSE OF BLUES 308 EUCLID AVE., 216-523-2583 HOUSEOFBLUES.COM

a couple of favorite records, and it was the most bizarre mix. It was Madonna and Radiohead and Minor Threat. But that is our generation.” For the upcoming show at House of Blues, the band will play the album in its entirety and revisit the Appendage EP as well. Frangicetto says rediscovering the LP during rehearsals has been rewarding. “In so many ways, I’ve enjoyed going back to it,” he says. “Even on the surface level as far as the recording quality, I think it sounds

really great. Song-wise, I really think [producer] Brian McTernan’s lessons to us have really stood the test of time. On Juturna and On Letting Go, he told us, ‘You guys needs to learn to write a fucking chorus.’ Now, when I listen to the songs, they don’t sound dated. They just sound like good rock songs. It’s a record that still makes all of us proud.”

jniesel@clevescene.com t@jniesel

December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022 | clevescene.com |

SAVAGE LOVE COMMITTED By Dan Savage Hey, Dan: I’ve been in a committed relationship for ten years— committed because my boyfriend wants it that way. I’d be fine with an open relationship and have asked about it. He’s made it quite clear that he thinks it’s “wrong.” I’m almost never at his apartment. He doesn’t invite me, and my place is a lot more comfortable anyway. His place never looks “lived in.” Everything must be tidy and “just so.” Bed made, bathroom spotless, no socks on the floor. Generally, we spend weekends together, and that’s it. He also refuses to bottom for me or even let me finger him, but he likes it when I come on his ass. In general, he hasn’t been very horny for me the last few years. Anyway, due to a combination of factors (COVID, construction, etc.), I’ve been working at his apartment for a few days. In the coat closet, where he keeps all his supplies, there’s a big bottle of Wet lube and an economysized box of Fleet enemas. What’s a guy to think? Frustrated in Brooklyn First, a minor quibble. You use the word “committed” to mean “sexually exclusive,” FIB, when you should know—as a reader of my column—that not all committed relationships are sexually exclusive and vice-versa. Two people can be married or partnered and committed to each other for the long haul while still fucking other people; and two people can decide to stop fucking other people because they don’t wanna use condoms (or they wanna limit their risk of contracting COVID) without committing to each other for the rest of the year, much less the long haul. As for what you found when you weren’t snooping around your boyfriend’s apartment… While it’s not always the ones who think open relationships are “wrong” who cheat, FIB, it’s so often the case—it’s so often the ones who insist open relationships are wrong—that it’s something of a cliché. So, it’s entirely possible your boyfriend has been cleaning out for other men. But why? Why would your boyfriend cheat if he knew you would be fine with an

open relationship? Well, some people who cheat think cheating is wrong (and it is) and the least they can do if they’re gonna cheat (and they are) is have the decency to feel bad about it (or pretend to). Other people are selfish assholes who wanna fuck around on their partners but don’t want their partners fucking around on them. Of course, we don’t know for sure whether your boyfriend has been cheating on you. Lube by itself isn’t proof—guys use lube to jack off—and that box of Fleet enemas could’ve been sitting in his closet for a decade or more. There’s only one way to get to the bottom of this mystery: ask your boyfriend what’s up. He might have a good explanation—or he might be able to pull a vaguely plausible one out of his squeaky-clean ass—and you’ll have to make your best guess as to whether he’s telling you the truth. But if you want to stay with him, FIB, you might wanna lead with that. You can regard what you found when you were looking for supplies—not snooping, of course, never snooping—as an unforgivable betrayal, FIB, or you can regard it as an opportunity to renegotiate the terms of your relationship.

Hey, Dan: I’m recently married to a man I have been with for six years. We have a very happy life together in most respects and a very stable and loving relationship. The problem is, six months ago I fell deeply in love with a colleague. (We work in the same field at different companies.) I have never felt this way about anyone before. I have also never cheated. But this is truly the most creative and synchronous connection I have experienced. The second problem is that the colleague is also married and has three children. His marriage is stable but sexless. He says he wants to leave his wife but is unwilling to do so until his youngest child goes to university, which won’t be for another two years. Meanwhile, I am wracked with guilt and indecision about how to proceed. I know that I need to make my own decisions, but I feel paralyzed. How do I start to untangle this knot?

| clevescene.com | December 29, 2021-January 11, 2022

Married And Reassessing Relationships In Every Detail What’s the rush? You’ve got crush on a married man who’s unwilling to leave his wife for at least the next two years. Since you have no way of knowing how you’ll feel two years from now, MARRIED, and you have no way of knowing how your married colleague will feel two years from now, you don’t have to make any big moves. (Hell, you have no way of knowing for sure how your married colleague feels right now.) If you’re sure you don’t wanna stay in your marriage— whatever else might happen—you should end your marriage so your husband can get on with his life. But if you can envision a future where your feelings for your colleague have run their course and you can see yourself recommitting to a future with the man you’re currently married to, all you need to do right now is wait.

Hey, Dan: My wife and I have been together for eight years, married for four. Before we dated, I was honest with her about the fact that I could not offer long-term sexual monogamy in a relationship. She told me she understood and would be into participating in that with me. We stayed monogamous for a few years before attempting to introduce non-monogamous adventures into our life. Although we went to swingers’ parties and used the popular websites, no potential pairings ever seemed to click for her, either MMF or MWMW. We decided to get married despite never having had an actual encounter with anyone outside our relationship. We have always enjoyed a very satisfying and frequent sex life, but she is now ambivalent about the idea of swinging. She’s told me that if she had to rank her interest from 1-10 it would fall somewhere between 0 and 1. She has said she is willing to do it for me and that should be all I need. She puts no effort into finding potential partners or play opportunities. She also does not support the idea of me doing anything solo. Dan, I wanted a partner who would do this with me enthusiastically. I don’t want to drag

anyone into sexual activity they aren’t really interested in. I tried to do this right from the beginning, but now every direction looks dangerous. Is there a way forward? Happily Married, Unhappily Monogamous If I had a time machine, HMUM, I would crash your bachelor party and urge you to postpone the wedding until after you’d had a few successful threesomes/foursomes with your then-fiancée, now-wife. Because if swinging was really that important to you, before the wedding was the right time to make sure your wife was into it, not years later. Maybe your wife was into the idea before the service and isn’t into it now (vows seem to have that effect on some people), or maybe she was just telling you what you wanted to hear. Either way, she’ll never be the true “partner in crime” you wanted—meaning, even if she’s willing to go there, she’s not going to put any effort into making it happen. That’s on you. But if she’s willing to give a try, why not set something up? If she agrees to it, she might wind up liking it more than she thinks. (That happens.) If she doesn’t agree to it, then you face a choice: let these fantasies go, let monogamy go, or let her go.

Hey, Dan: I just read your response to the gay man who wanted to buy a straight male friend a meaningful gift. I was surprised to see this in your response: “So, besides pussy, what does your straight friend like?” Heterosexual men do not like “pussy.” Heterosexual men like women. And not all women have pussies. You know better, Dan. Promote Understanding To All I will scold the next straight guy who tells me he likes pussy, PUTA, and slap the next gay guy who tells me he likes dick—just like Dale Carnegie urged his readers to do in chapter twelve of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

mail@savagelove.net t@fakedansavage www.savagelovecast.com

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