Back again with some:
APRIL 1, 2026
BREAKING NEWS!
Major Changes Coming to Burman!
Administration has set forth a plethora of MAJOR changes to life here at Burman University, curiously all announced on April 1 . Read on to discover the future of Burman and other breaking news stories! st
Here at The Chronicle, we feel as though it’s our duty to ensure that the student body is informed on these important issues We would never lie to you Anyone who claims that the following stories are “fake news ” will be exiled.
CAFSTAFF
CULT STATUS
BURMANHASFINALLYBEEN CLASSIFIEDASAFORMALCULTON WIKIPEDIAAFTERYEARSOF STRIVINGTOREACHTHISSTATUS. “WEHAVETRIEDFORSOLONGTOBEFORMALLY RECOGNIZED...ITISSOGRATIFYINGTOFINALLYBE RECOGNIZEDFORIT”-ANONYMOUS
ALL LEVELS OF PDA LEGALIZED ON CAMPUS!
“I think this change will really bring the campus together” - Super Credible Professor
BREAKING NEWS
(not in the buildings though, only in the parking lots)
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCE MEN
GRAD CANCELLED IN LIU OF A CEREMONIAL FIRING OFACERTAINSOMEONE
SOURCES STATE THAT THEY ARE UNABLE TO CONFIRM THE IDENTITY OF SAID INDIVIDUAL BUT THEY MAY INDICATE THAT ANY STAFF MEMBER WHO RELIES ON CHATANDOTHERAISOURCESMAYBEATRISK
Burmanstudentsunsurprised,reportedly respondingthatitmakesmoresensethanthe emailsactuallybeingsentbystudents.
BREAKTHROUGH
The Burman clock tower has now been made into
SUMMER SUMMER SWOOP SWOOP
AS COUPLES GO LONG DISTANCE AS COUPLES GO LONG DISTANCE
EFFECTS COULD INCLUDE SIDE EFFECTS COULD INCLUDE BEING A REBOUND BEING A REBOUND
Students Report Best Naps Occur During Burman Professor's Lecture (5-Star Reviews)
“I went in stressed… I came out refreshed,” says one student
“I learned something… I just don’t know what yet,” reports another
“He’s nice though,” entire class agrees, “with a voice more effective than melatonin”
WHY
TAKE MELATONIN WHEN YOU HAVE IT ALREADY INCLUDED IN YOUR TUITION?
WORLD RECORD: Burman Professor’s Lecture Enters Guinness World Records for Longest Continuous Sentence!
Look forward to MORE ChatGPT emails and communication!!
Campus relocating to belize
Sorry ya’ll, we were supposed to go to the moon, but due to political complications, we must relocate!
Benefits:
Not T4L 2E5
Not on University Drive
Not in Lacombe
Not in Alberta
Not in Praries
Not in Canada
Cons: None, pack your bags!
THE CHALLENGE
Be the next resident to set off the building fire alarm by neglecting your dryer lint!
IF THE FIREFIGHTERS SHOW UP, YOU WIN! IF THE FIREFIGHTERS SHOW UP, YOU WIN!
By claiming this prize, you automatically become the Lakeview Lint Lord Winner must personally launder, dry and hand-fold every single person ’ s clothes for the rest of the semester Additionally, you must stand in the parking lot during the next evacuation and provide complimentary shoulder massages to every student until the alarm stops.
WARNING: if you cannot fold a fitted sheet perfectly, your 500$ turns into a bucket of wet socks
PRESIDENT LOREN AGREY
IS STILL
A FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION
VANDALDESTROYS NEONSIGNINFRONT OFCHURCHAND
REPLACESITWITH
TREE
Students are reportedly thankful, calling it a step in the right direction!
Dear Burman Vehicle Owners...
Burman University has heard the complaints about the availability of convenient parking for students on campus and is making a change. They are reportedly starting construction of a 100-foot-high parking garage! Parking tickets will be tripled in cost in order to fund this project.
SABBATH SERVICE NOW REQUIRED!
To match with our other Adventist Universities in North America, worship credits will now be required to graduate
Pleasepresentyour tickettotheOfficeof theBurman PresidentialOompa Loompafor immediate validation. Toensurea successfulpass,all studentsmust presentthisticket whilewearingafull OompaLoompa uniformtoshow properrespecttothe Office. Failuretocomply withthemandatory dresscodeorthe5:01 AMdeadlinewill resultinthe immediate transformationof thispassintoascoop ofcafeteriabeans.
PARKING NOW BASED ON GPA
HIGHERGPAMEANS CLOSERPARKING
