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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Butler, Gillian, 1942– author. | Grey, Nick, 1970– author. | Hope, R. A., author.
Title: Managing your mind / Gillian Butler, Ph.D., Nick Grey, M.A. D.Clin.Psych, Tony Hope, M.D., Ph.D.
Description: Third edition. | New York, NY : Oxford University Press, [2018] | Revised edition of: Managing your mind : the mental fitness guide / Gillian Butler and Tony Hope. 2nd ed. 2007. | Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2017046994 (print) | LCCN 2017052239 (ebook) | ISBN 9780190866785 (updf) | ISBN 9780190866792 (epub) | ISBN 9780190872977 (cloth : acid-free paper) | ISBN 9780190866778 (pbk. : acid-free paper)
Subjects: LCSH: Mental health. | Self-management (Psychology) | BISAC: PSYCHOLOGY / Clinical Psychology. | MEDICAL / Public Health.
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017046994
9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Paperback printed by LSC Communications, United States of America
Hardback printed by Bridgeport National Bindery, Inc., United States of America
CONTENTS
Preface | ix
Online- only material | xiii
What to expect from this guide | xv
PART I Making sense
1. The scientific background: knowing what works | 3
2. Valuing and understanding yourself | 17
3. The value and practice of acceptance | 39
4. The value and practice of kindness | 59
5. Building self- esteem and self- confidence | 83
PART II Making your way
SECTION 1 Thinking well
6. Taking a positive approach | 107
7. Finding new perspectives | 131
8. Using your head: thinking and deciding | 159
SECTION 2 Creating a framework
9. Developing useful habits | 183
10. Goals and how to use them | 203
11. Using time well | 229
12. Keeping physically well | 249
SECTION 3 Being happy
13. Increasing the chance of happiness | 271
14. Treating yourself right | 287
15. Becoming more creative | 299
SECTION 4 Making your way with others
16. Good relationships: the principles | 321
17. Assertiveness | 341
18. Negotiation skills | 359
19. Understanding voices from your past | 367
PART III Overcoming difficulties
SECTION 5 Preparing to tackle difficulties
20. Recognizing that you can change: facing problems | 387
21. Problem- solving: a strategy for change | 403
22. Stress: balancing life’s demands | 417
SECTION 6 Anxiety
23. Getting the better of worry: defeating the alarmist | 437
24. Overcoming fears and avoidance: social anxiety and phobias | 461
25. Dealing with panic | 491
SECTION 7 Low mood and anger
26. Depression: the common cold of the mind | 511
27. Digging yourself out of depression | 525
28. Feeling angry and keeping calm | 551
SECTION 8 Trauma and loss
29. Loss and bereavement | 579
30. Stepping away from the past | 603
31. Recent traumatic events and their aftermath | 639
SECTION 9 Enduring physical difficulties
32. Chronic ill health | 663
33. Breaking habits and overcoming addictions | 675
INDEX | 689
Preface
It is over 20 years since the first edition of Managing Your Mind was published, and 10 years since the second edition. In this time, we hope we have learned from our experiences in life, from the people we have worked with, from our friends and families, and from an ever- growing literature on how best to ride life’s ups and downs. We have also been fortunate to receive much wise feedback from readers on the previous editions. This third edition of Managing Your Mind has been a great opportunity to use this learning to build on the earlier work, extending it into new arenas, and broadening its scope. The emphasis now is as much on how we can all thrive and flourish, as it is on overcoming the difficulties we all face. It draws on the increase in research in positive psychology while still being firmly grounded in evidence-based treatments for specific problems. In the introduction, we suggest that we need dual metaphors for the mind and life—both that of the mechanic and the gardener. This edition of Managing Your Mind has emphasized more than previously the role of gardening, and how we can nurture ourselves.
There are nine completely new chapters and a significant restructuring of the book. The new chapters include “The value and practice of kindness,” “Increasing the chance of happiness,” “Becoming more creative,” and “Chronic ill health.” All other chapters have been revised in light of new learning, and some have been combined
or expanded from previous editions. We found that we actually had too much material for the book— but with the benefit of modern technology these sections are available on the Internet.
We would like to acknowledge the people who have made the writing of this book possible. First and foremost are all those people we have seen with difficulties in their lives who have taught us what methods and ideas they found helpful.
We would also like to thank the many psychologists, therapists, and other healers whose writings (referred to in the “Further reading” sections at the end of each chapter) have provided many valuable ideas that we have passed on to readers of this book.
We have learned much from our colleagues and would like, in particular, to thank David Clark, Anke Ehlers, Melanie Fennell, Ann Hackmann, Helen Kennerley, Joan Kirk, Martina Mueller, and Paul Salkovskis.
The editors and staff of Oxford University Press have given us encouragement and support throughout the writing of this book. In particular, we would like to thank Martin Baum, Charlotte Holloway, Shereen Karmali, and April Peake in the UK, and Sarah Harrington in the United States.
We thank our families. Gillian thanks Christopher, Sophie, David, and Josie for endless patience and interest, and also her grandchildren, Alice, Eleanor, Jessica, Alex, and Thomas, for helping her keep up with the modern world and with the many uses of the World Wide Web. Nick thanks Mary, Jake, Alex, and Luke for keeping him grounded and reminding him of the most valuable parts of life. Tony thanks Sally, Beth, Katy, and John for keeping him going and for all the helpful discussions of the issues raised in the book.
Throughout the writing of this book the three of us met regularly, usually at Le Pain Quotidien near Victoria station in London. We thank the staff for looking after us and supplying as much excellent food and drink (not alcoholic) as was necessary to keep us focused. Without these meetings, and the pleasant ambience in which they took place, this book would never have been written. GB NG TH
Oxford and Brighton August 2017
Online- only
material
The following material is available online at http://www.oup.com/us/managingyourmind.
Some common defense mechanisms that impede understanding
What kind of coach do you want to be?
The mental crusher
The Zeigarnik effect
Thought records and key questions to go with them
Alternatives diary and key questions to go with it
Aspects of personality to consider when developing new habits
Planning your goal
The David Allen approach
Blank pie chart
Relaxation
Responding in a mature way to common voices of the Child
Responding in a mature way to common voices of the Parent
Keeping a worry- outcome diary
Developing confiding relationships to reduce your chance of depression
Diary of daily activities
The legacy of being bullied
Ground yourself in the here and now
Habit monitoring record
Stopping smoking
Averting problems with alcohol
What to expect from this guide
This book is written for people with differing aims: those who would like to develop themselves in some way, to make the most of their abilities, or to make changes in how they do things, or to overcome specific difficulties. We all need psychological resources and resilience to thrive in modern life and to survive changing fortunes. Developing resilience is not just about overcoming problems when they arise. It is also about laying a foundation that provides support. It is about increasing the store of resourcefulness and flexibility, confidence, and strength that helps you to live in the best and most satisfying way that you can, in line with your personal values. There is much about the world around us that we cannot control. How we think, how we respond, and how we act are, however, in the end, up to us. We are, to a great extent, our minds. Every age has its fashions, as much in uncovering the mysteries of the mind as in covering up the secrets of the body. The computer has become the analogy of the moment: our minds are software, our brains the hardware. The analogy of mind and brain with computers has its value, of course, but it is only one of many possible comparisons. One problem with it is that it focuses us on thinking about the mechanical aspects of the brain. Another comparison might suggest that the mind is like a plant. In its own time the plant changes, grows, and, given the right conditions, flourishes. We can influence the process through providing it
with those right conditions: the soil, water, and a good environment. The comparison with a plant reminds us that the brain, which must to a large extent underlie the workings of the mind, is organic. It works in part through its cells developing new connections. It works in part through chemical reactions. And, unlike so much of the workings of our computer or smart phone, these processes take significant time. The comparison with a plant also reminds us that we cannot control every aspect of the mind. Sometimes the best we can do is to provide a nurturing environment and leave the rest to take care of itself. Different analogies suit different situations. In this book, we recognize both the mechanical and the organic aspects of our minds, making use of whatever approach is best adapted to the specific issue.
Between us, we have nearly a century’s experience of helping people through psychologically difficult times. We are skeptical of approaches to psychological change that advocate a single way for all people and all situations. What we have observed is that different people are helped by different approaches, and that most are helped in different ways at different times in their lives. Just as there is a danger in limiting our understanding of the mind to the perspective of a single analogy, so there is a danger of limiting the ways in which we help ourselves to change to a single method. We have, therefore, structured this book so as to make it possible to select those ideas and techniques that appeal the most to you: a buffet from which to choose rather than a set menu.
Part I. Making sense
We start with ideas that provide the context for the rest of the book. Part I explains how each of us individually can attempt to make sense of the complexities we experience. The assumption is that making changes, developing yourself personally, is best done with a certain gentleness and understanding. Accept yourself, just as you are. Understand yourself without fear. Value yourself despite all the reasons you might find not to do so. And, perhaps above all,
be kind to yourself. Learn how to build up your self- esteem and self- confidence too, and these attitudes will provide you with a secure foundation. These are the messages of this first part.
Part II. Making your way
Each of us takes a different route through the world, and whatever the road you are on right now, it helps to be able to think about how you are making your way along it. This is something only you can do, but there is now a great deal more sound knowledge available than there used to be. Of course, we can all benefit from adopting positive and constructive attitudes, from making effective use of our time, from feeling happier, and from good relationships. Knowing how to increase the chances of these things happening is not so straightforward. The chapters in this part of the book provide information, ideas, strategies, and techniques to help you respond to life’s ups and downs with resilience. Recent research has made clear that building up constructive and positive attitudes and habits helps in overcoming difficulties such as excessive anxiety and depression. So even if you are reading this book because you are wanting to deal with a specific difficulty, we recommend that you look through Parts I and II as well as the chapters in Part III that are relevant to your difficulty.
Section 1—Thinking well is about understanding the world clearly and finding perspectives that help you, rather than hold you back.
Section 2— Creating a framework will be particularly relevant for those who like to have a number of projects and specific goals. How can we best achieve the goals we set ourselves and develop habits that enable us to live the way we want?
Section 3— Being happy brings together much recent research that shows how we can increase our chances of happiness, have fun, and develop our creativity.
Section 4— Making your way with others is about the attitudes and skills that help us to build satisfying relationships.
Part III. Overcoming difficulties
This is where we describe how to start to tackle the psychological difficulties that many of us face at some times in our lives. For many people, the point of this book will be to find out how to overcome a specific difficulty. You may wish to start with the chapter that deals with that difficulty. We recommend, though, that at some stage you also look through the earlier parts of this book. The chapters in Part I that help to make sense of your world, and those in Part II that help you to make your way once you are on the road, will often prove of immense help in overcoming problems. One effective psychotherapy for depression, for example, focuses not on the depression itself but on building up more satisfying relationships.
Section 5— Preparing to tackle difficulties—helps clarify the changes you may wish to make in overcoming the difficulty.
Sections 6– 9 address specific problems: the various types of anxiety, depression, excessive anger, the results of bereavement or trauma, addictions, and chronic ill health.
This third edition retains the guidance on overcoming difficulties that was the focus of the two previous editions, but the emphasis now is much broader as it provides information that is more generally useful at other times as well. It aims to help us think about how we can live the lives we want, and to identify what that would entail. This guide is intended to be practical, and it should be useful for helping you to make your way along an old or a new route as well as when you encounter difficulties. We hope that it achieves its aim of making available a wide variety of strategies and techniques for managing the mind.
PART I MAKING SENSE
The scientific background
Knowing what works
Research shows that the methods and techniques for managing your mind that we describe in this book are effective. A large and developing body of research tells us what works, and the research that we draw on here comes from many different branches of psychology. It comes from basic research and from the application of this to helping people in numerous practical ways, for instance, in clinics, schools, the workplace, and in business. We also draw on findings from scientific studies in closely related fields including those of physiology, physical medicine, and cognitive neuroscience.
Over the last 20 years, a new field of psychological research has emerged, known as “positive psychology.” This developed as a reaction to the much greater attention that had been given by researchers to “negative” emotions and feelings such as depression and anxiety compared with “positive” emotions such as happiness. Over the same period, the most widely used and best researched psychological approach to managing upsetting emotions— cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)—has been making greater use of ideas and techniques taken from the East, and from Buddhist philosophy in particular— such as the methods of mindfulness meditation, and a focus on compassion for oneself and others.
In this book, we draw on these recent research findings and also on the clinical experiences of ourselves and most importantly of the people we have worked with. We combine these with the more traditional research on overcoming distressing emotions, to show
how you can build on strengths, develop more positive attitudes, overcome difficulties, and flourish in the ways that suit you. Our approach is rather like in fusion cooking, when a wide range of flavors and techniques, taken from all over the world, are combined in various ways. As with fusion cooking, the results are sometimes stunning and sometimes less dramatic. Research and increasing experience with the new therapeutic approaches is helping to clarify which combinations are most effective.
In this chapter, we will first give a brief history of the research behind “managing your mind” and then describe a general model— the five- part model—that has practical value in planning how to make changes in feeling, thinking, and behavior.
Experimental research in psychology
Fundamental research in psychology tells us an enormous amount about how the mind works. The painstaking, experimental work of psychologists, which started about 150 years ago, has mapped out some of the basic processes involved in learning, remembering, and thinking. It has revealed the part we ourselves play in constructing our perception and understanding of the world around us. It has helped to explain how we develop and to unravel the stages that we go through on the road from childhood to old age. It has thrown light on the relationships between our thoughts, feelings, actions, and sensations, and how these interact with the outside world— with the context within which we find ourselves. Its findings help us to understand more about the ways in which we relate to other people, adapt to new circumstances, respond when things go wrong, and change during the course of our lives. It has also helped to unravel the links between the mind and the body, between brain and behavior, and to understand what motivates us and how we acquire new skills.
Psychologists have, through their scientific work, contributed to our knowledge about which aspects of ourselves we can change
and which are fixed, and their work has revealed much about the processes of personal change. Applications of psychology, therefore, help us to control these processes, to use them to our advantage, and to recognize their limitations, in the same way as applications of physiology help us to keep our bodies in good shape without overstraining them. You do not have to be a physiologist to keep physically fit, nor do you have to be a psychologist to make use of the science of psychology.
Applications of psychological science to helping people clinically
Since the 1960s and 1970s, therapists have developed new and effective ways of helping people with problems in living, most of which are relatively brief forms of psychotherapy. Following the decades after Freud, psychoanalysis was the main form of psychological treatment, but it typically required a long and intensive course of therapy, often extending over several years. Psychoanalytic ideas have provided therapists with a rich and fruitful source of ideas about emotional development and about relationships but they have not been amenable to scientific confirmation. In this book, we focus predominantly on more recent treatment methods, and we give most weight to those that have been scientifically evaluated and are demonstrably effective. These include behavioral therapies, cognitive therapies including the “new wave” of ideas and techniques from the East, therapies focusing on relationships, and the findings from “positive psychology.”
Behavioral therapies
The theoretical background to behavior therapy, which developed in striking contrast to psychoanalysis, comes from psychological experiments on learning. It is based on what is called learning
theory, which now recognizes that there are many ways in which learning takes place. The first type of learning found to have major implications for therapy was classical conditioning, first explored by Pavlov.
Discovering the rules of the different types of learning has led to the development of behavior therapies, such as exposure treatment for phobias. Learning theory suggests that a person’s phobia, for example, can be overcome by breaking the association between the feeling of anxiety and situations that are basically harmless, such as seeing a spider or going to a supermarket. Research showed that an efficient way to do this is in step- by- step stages, practicing frequently and regularly. A person who is afraid of heights, to give another example, might start by walking up a stairway and looking down from progressively higher points. The next stage might be to look down from a third- floor window, then a fourth- floor window, and so on. Depending on the severity of the phobia, it might take days or even weeks to progress from stage to stage. This step- by- step method is simple and effective, but it can take a long time.
Behavioral therapies originated in learning theory but have since developed beyond these beginnings and now use a large number of methods for dealing with a wide variety of conditions. What they have in common is a focus on changing behavior in very specific ways. Behavioral methods can be used, for example, to help change eating, smoking, or drinking habits, to build self- confidence, and to improve time management and personal organization. Changing behavior can lead to changes in thoughts, feelings, and sensations, and also to changes in relationships. People who have recovered from a phobia are likely to feel more confident, to think better of themselves, to suffer less from the sensations of anxiety, and to relate more easily to others.
One of the most important contributions of behavior therapies is their focused attention on effectiveness and practicality. This is because they are based on specific, clear- cut, and observable changes. A therapy with goals can be tested to see if it works, and
moreover, the therapy can be improved. Each of the improvements can then be tested to discover which precise methods are the most effective, in ways defined by the people who benefit from them, such as in enabling them to do things they previously avoided through fear. In this way, better and better therapies have been developed. This scientific evaluation of therapies has also revealed more about the processes involved in change, and has led to the recognition that changing behavior is only one way of initiating the process of change.
Cognitive therapy
Cognitive therapy developed partly as a reaction against the exclusive focus which behavior therapy places on behavior, and partly as a reaction to the unscientific aspects of psychoanalysis. It is based on the recognition that thoughts, feelings, and behavior are closely related. If you think something is going to go wrong, you will feel anxious and your behavior will be designed to protect you, for example, by avoiding a situation that causes stress. If you think everything will go fine, you will feel more confident and you will behave in ways that express that confidence. By focusing on our patterns of thinking and on our beliefs, cognitive therapists have found many methods for helping us to change both our feelings and our behavior.
Cognitive therapy was first tried and tested as a treatment for depression. It has since proved to be effective in helping with many other problems, such as anxiety, panic, disturbed eating patterns, difficulties in relationships, recovery after trauma, and severe bouts of mental ill health. Cognitive therapy shares with behavior therapy the advantages of being a clearly articulated therapy, and this has meant that it has been, and is still being, extensively and rigorously studied and improved. It also means that it can be clearly described and its methods can be made generally available in many self- help formats, including books and on the Internet.
