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For Millie Bound and Jacob George Alberti, as ever.
For Jenny Calcoen for being my soul sister. And for Sandra Vigon, for holding up a light.
PREFACE
No (Wo)man Is an Island
Whyloneliness? That’s what people asked initially, when I told them I was writing this book. Well, not everyone. Those who hadn’t lived with loneliness, hadn’t felt its edges in the dark. Then in the space of a year, it didn’t seem so strange a topic: loneliness became ubiquitous. It was talked of in newspapers and on radio programmes; it was a national epidemic; it had its own Minister. In the early twenty-first century we find ourselves in the midst of a ‘loneliness epidemic’, while worry about loneliness makes it more inevitable. Talking about loneliness seems to spread, contagion-like, until it has become part of the social fabric. Certainly, it has become a convenient hook on which to hang a number of discontents. Loneliness has become an emotional hold-all: a shorthand for the absence of happiness, for a sense of disconnect, for depression and alienation, for social isolation. Except when it isn’t. Sometimes loneliness is sought out and desired; not just solitude, which has its own history, but also loneliness: that painful sense of disconnect which can be physical, emotional, symbolic, sensorial, attitudinal.
So what is loneliness, and why does it seem so ubiquitous? As a cultural historian who has spent a lot of time thinking about the emotional body, I am intrigued by how quickly a perceived yet undefined emotional state can give rise to such cultural panic.
And I am interested in how loneliness, like other emotional states—anger, love, fear, sadness—might take on different meanings depending on context; how loneliness can be physical as well as mental; and how loneliness as an individual experience might be shaped by and reflect bigger social concerns that include gender, ethnicity, age, environment, religion, science, and even economics. Why economics? Loneliness is expensive, which is arguably why it has attracted so much governmental attention. The health and social care needs related to loneliness are escalating in the West, because of an ageing demographic. Notably the West: very little attention has been paid to the rest of the world, to how loneliness changes over time, or how it looks different in different lights. Presuming that loneliness is universal and part of the human condition means that nobody is accountable, no matter how much deprivation prevails. So, loneliness is political, too. My interest was not purely historical. I have been lonely. And the different ways I have experienced loneliness—as a child, a teenager, a writer, a mother, a wife, a divorcée—whatever the badges we give to our life stages, this is what gave me the idea for the book’s title. Loneliness has a biography. It is not a static ‘thing’ but a protean beast that changes over time. Historically, loneliness has emerged as a ‘modern’ emotion. And also as a concept which gets layered with meanings. A Biography of Loneliness is about the idea of loneliness in history, as well as the different ways it intersects with minds, bodies, objects, and places. And places, as well as people, matter to the experience of loneliness. I grew up on an isolated Welsh hilltop. There was no internet in the 1980s. For most of my teenage years we had no telephone. The nearest neighbour was a mile away. My family experience was impoverished, unhappy, traumatic. Our Englishness set
us apart from the Welsh-speaking villagers. We were hippies and most definitely Other. I was isolated and alone. And yet I did not endure loneliness; I enjoyed it. A natural introvert, I spent my days in the woods, making up stories, plotting alternative lives. My community was populated by fictional characters. Was it enough? When I was a child, yes. Not when I was older. Our needs change with us. And so does our experience of loneliness. Loneliness in youth can become a habit in old age, so perhaps our interventions into elderly loneliness need to start far earlier. Loneliness—especially chronic loneliness, linked to deprivation—can be terrible. When disconnected, socially or emotionally, from others, people can get ill. Deprived of touch, of meaningful human engagement, people can die. Chronic loneliness is not choosy; it often settles on the shoulders of those who have suffered enough, with mental or physical health problems, with addiction, with abuse.
Transient loneliness, by contrast, the kind you slip in and out of on life’s journey—moving away to university, changing jobs, getting divorced—can be a spur to personal growth, a way of figuring out what one wants in relationships with others. And what one does not want, for loneliness in a crowd, or with a disengaged other, is the worst kind of lack. Loneliness can be a life choice and a companion, rather than a shadow. Sometimes loneliness is positive and nurturing, providing a space for us to think and grow and learn. And I do not mean merely solitude, or the state of being alone, but a profound awareness of the boundaries of the self which can, in the right contexts, be restorative. Some people step into loneliness and out again, then, like it’s little more than a puddle. For others, it’s an ocean without end.
Does loneliness have a cure? Or rather, does unwanted loneliness have a cure? For there’s the rub: the element of choice. And
there is no quick-fix treatment, no one size fits all. Loneliness as a modern social affliction has grown up in the cracks, in the formation of a society that was less inclusive and communal and more grounded in the scientific, medicalized idea of an individual mind, set against the rest. Loneliness thrives when there is a disconnect between the individual and the world, a disconnect that is so characteristic of neoliberalism, but not an inevitable part of the human condition.
As the poet John Donne put it in 1624: ‘Any man’s death diminishes me/Because I am involved in mankind’. By being human, we are necessarily part of a force that is greater than ourselves. It is not inevitable that old people fear getting older because they are alone, that victims of violence are emotionally unsupported, that homeless people exist and are vulnerable. These systemic forms of enforced loneliness are the product of circumstance, and ideology. Yes, wealthy people can be (and often are) lonely and isolated, money being no guarantee of ‘belonging’. But it’s a different kind of loneliness to the social isolation imposed by poverty. Many of the divisions and hierarchies that have developed since the eighteenth century—between self and world, individual and community, public and private—have been naturalized through the politics and philosophy of individualism. Is it any coincidence that a language of loneliness emerged at the same time?
If loneliness is an epidemic, then stemming its spread depends on rooting out the conditions that allowed it to take hold. That is not the same as saying that all loneliness is bad, or that loneliness as a sense of lack didn’t exist in the pre-modern world. The counter argument to claims of its modernity is: oh, but just because the language of loneliness didn’t exist before 1800, that doesn’t mean people didn’t feel lonely. To that I say simply this: the invention of
a language for loneliness reflects the framing of a new emotional state. Yes, solitude could be negative in earlier centuries, and people talked about being alone in a negative way. But the philosophical and spiritual framework was different. The universal belief in some kind of God in pre-modern Britain—usually a paternalistic deity, certainly providing a sense of place in the world—provided a framework for belonging that, for good or ill, no longer exists. A medieval monk, reclusive and alone yet inhabiting a mental universe in which God is ever-present, will not experience the same sense of abandonment and lack as a person without this narrative framework. We are suspended in universes of our making in the twenty-first century, in which the certainty of the self and one’s uniqueness matters far more than any collective sense of belonging.
This book is not exhaustive. It is merely one biography. But it seeks to open up new ways of envisaging and exploring loneliness in the modern age, and to offer insights into its physical and psychological meanings. This duality—the separating off of the mind and the body—calls for the wider lens of a longue durée approach. My academic training was in early modern cultures, where there was no division of mind and body, where emotions (or passions) were regarded holistically. Yet today we regard loneliness as a mental affliction, though tending to the body remains just as important as tending to the mind.
I became obsessed, while writing this book, with the sheer physicality of loneliness, of how a sense of lack can make the belly feel so empty. I observed the effects of loneliness on my own body. Unable to think myself out of that embodied experience, I fed the senses: I splurged on heady-smelling soaps and scented candles, I listened to music and meditation on a loop, I petted dogs,
smelled babies’ necks, hugged my kids, lifted weights, walked tens of thousands of steps a day, chopped vegetables, cooked, slept. Tending to my own body reminded me of its physical rootedness, of the imagined communities of which I was part. There was comfort in tending to the body, in acknowledging emotional experience as far more than a product of the mind. And I was reminded that loneliness, like any emotional state, is physical as well as mental. After all, we are embodied beings whose worlds are defined not only in isolation but also through our belief systems and our relationships with others: objects, animals, people.
Which brings me to the people who have supported me not only during the writing of A Biography of Loneliness, but also while I was figuring out the next steps. Thanks to those who have given me strength in many different ways: Emma and Hugh Alberti, Jenny Calcoen, Nicola Chessner, Stef Eastoe, Patricia Greene, Jo Jenkins, Mark Jenner, Bridget McDermott, Paddy Ricard, Barbara Rosenwein, Barbara Taylor, and Sandra Vigon. Thank you to Javier Moscoso for inviting me to keynote at the European Philosophical Society for the History of Emotions in 2017, which allowed me to test out some of the ideas in this book. I am grateful to Sarah Nettleton for pointing me towards her materialities of care project at just the right moment, and to those people at the University of York, and York Hospital, who offered not only welcoming discussions, but also helpful insights into loneliness— especially Holly Speight, Sally Gordon, Lydia Harris, Bhavesh Patel, Yvonne Birks, Andrew Grace, Kate Pickett, Neil Wilson, and Karen Bloor. I have enjoyed being part of this community, as well as the UCL Loneliness and Social Isolation in Mental Health network, led by Sonia Johnson and Alexandra Pitman. Thank you to Kellie Payne of the Campaign to End Loneliness for
xii
inviting discussion, to Stephanie Cacioppo for sharing her research, and to Pamela Qualter for inviting me to participate in an ESRC Think Piece. Thanks to Millie Bound and Jacob Alberti for having such strong, emotional reactions to cover ideas (combined, thankfully, with an artistic eye). Finally, a sincere debt of thanks to Peter Stearns and the anonymous reviewers at Emotion Review, who offered insightful and generous advice when I was working out the transition between oneliness and loneliness.
fay bound alberti London, 11 May 2018
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
1. ‘John Bigg, an eccentric hermit’. Line engraving by Wilkes. 23
2. Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, pictured in 1956. Creative Commons. 41
3. Laurence Olivier as Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights (1939), Samuel Goldwyn Pictures. 73
4. Royal portrait of Queen Victoria, 1871. 103
5. A 1905 advert for telephones aimed at socially isolated farmers. 126
6. Age UK advert for loneliness, 2018. 144
7. Homeless man seeking emotional engagement as well as relief. 164
8. Consuming passions: does materialism make us lonely? 186
9. Virginia Woolf, 1927, Harvard Theatre Collection. 206
10. Use of the term ‘loneliness’ in English printed works between 1550 and 2000. 243
11. Use of the term ‘solitude’ in English printed works between 1550 and 2000. 243
12. Use of the term ‘lonely’ in English printed works between 1550 and 2000. 244
Loneliness is neither good nor bad, but a point of intense and timeless awareness of the Self, a beginning which initiates totally new sensitivities and awarenesses, and which results in bringing a person deeply in touch with his own existence and in touch with others in a fundamental sense.
Clark Moustakas, Loneliness
You are born alone. You die alone. The value of the space in between is trust and love. That’s why geometrically speaking the circle is a one. Everything comes to you from the other. You have to be able to reach the other. If not you are alone.
Louise Bourgeois, Destruction of the Father
INTRODUCTION
Loneliness as a ‘Modern Epidemic’
Loneliness is the leprosy of the 21st century.
The Economist on Twitter, 2018
According to Beatles legend, Paul McCartney was the originator of ‘Eleanor Rigby’, which appeared on the band’s Revolver album. It was McCartney’s concern for elderly people since he was a child, it is said, that sparked the image of Eleanor Rigby as a ‘lonely old spinster’, picking up rice after the kind of wedding that she would never enjoy.1 On a broader level, the song tapped in to a wave of social concern about contemporary society connected to social change in the 1960s UK and US. Amid anti-establishment sentiment, including the civil rights movement and protests over the Vietnam war, changing socio-economic structures and intensified urbanization meant that more people were living alone, and outside of traditional family units. 2 There was a growing problem of homelessness and poverty in the UK, with its attendant medical and social ills. By telling the story of ‘Eleanor Rigby’, the Beatles drew attention to a troubling and rising trend of loneliness as a modern affliction: ‘all the lonely people—where do they all come from?’
Half a century later, loneliness has become an ‘epidemic’, devastating for public health, and the emotional equivalent of leprosy, according to The Economist. Like leprosy, it is implied, loneliness is contagious and debilitating. It is something to fear and avoid at all costs. It is also apparently universal. According to British medical journals like The Lancet , and even that old stalwart of traditional British values, The Daily Mail, the UK is experiencing an epidemic of loneliness.3 Studies suggest somewhere between 30 and 50 per cent of those surveyed in Britain and North America feel lonely. In fact, Britain has been termed the ‘loneliness capital of Europe’.4 And that is before we consider the self-imposed political loneliness of Brexit. Children are lonely, teenagers are lonely; so are young mums, divorced people, old people, and bereaved people, just some of the social groups that are periodically singled out for particular concern by the British press.5 We are arguably in the midst of a moral panic.
Amid this rise of concern about loneliness in the UK, the government announced the creation of a Minister for Loneliness in January 2018.6 The post, which was taken by Tracey Crouch, was created to carry on the work of the Labour Party MP Jo Cox, tragically murdered by a far right sympathizer two years earlier.7 By the end of the year, Crouch had resigned, citing a delay to betting reforms as the reason.8 Despite publicity around the post, there was no reference to how it might intersect with the government’s austerity targets, including the social care and welfare benefit cuts that created demographic inequalities in the experience of loneliness. A vocal representative of the Remain movement, Jo Cox had worked to support minorities and refugees experiencing social isolation and economic precarity. Her work continues in the Jo Cox Loneliness Commission.9 Cox’s murder took place in the run-up
to the UK EU referendum, when the UK Independence Party (UKIP) was warning that a vote to stay in the European Union would result in ‘swarms’ of immigrants entering the UK. ‘This is for Britain’, her murderer said.10
Cox’s murderer had a long history of mental health problems, loneliness, and isolation. Newspapers referred to him as ‘a loner’; a term often given to those who commit acts of terror, who don’t seem to fit in with neighbours or friends. 11 In this tragic situation, then, we have two different versions of loneliness: loneliness among people in need of social contact, as identified by Jo Cox, and loneliness as symptomatic of dangerous antisocial leanings: the ‘loner’. This divergence is indicative of how little we really know about loneliness, its etymology, its meanings, how it intersects with solitude, how it might be experienced by different people, and—crucially—how it might have changed over time.
This Biography of Loneliness will explore the history and meanings of loneliness in its societal, psychological, socio-economic, and philosophical contexts. It considers the modern rise of loneliness as an epidemic and an emotional state, and the apparent explosion of loneliness since ‘Eleanor Rigby’ was written. What happened between 1966 and 2018 to propel loneliness to the forefront of popular and political consciousness? And how does modern loneliness relate to the past? Have we always been lonely? Why has loneliness become such a problem?
One response relates to the framing of loneliness. Fear about loneliness creates loneliness. Certainly, this outcome has been found among elderly people who are fearful of being alone and vulnerable as they age. Yet there have also been some profound social, economic, and political shifts that have taken place since
the 1960s, and that have pushed loneliness to the fore of popular and governmental consciousness. These shifts include rising living costs, inflation, immigration, and changing familial social structures, as well as the laissez-faire (French, literally ‘let do’) politics of Margaret Thatcher in the 1980s and the gradual abandonment of the idea of society and community in pursuit of the individual. Neoliberalism has been blamed for many things, including a rejection of collective values and the pursuit—whatever the cost—of individual aggrandisement.12
Against this backdrop of socio-economic and political transformation, there is intense political interest in the financial cost of illness. Loneliness is perceived as a national and economic burden, because it gives rise to a wide range of emotional and physical illnesses. The illnesses linked to loneliness, with a variety of explanations as to the cause and the direction of travel, range from depression and anxiety to heart attacks, strokes, cancers, and decreased immune response.13 Links between loneliness and poor mental and physical health have been particularly closely monitored in old age. The National Health Service (NHS) website suggests that lonely people are 30 per cent more likely to die earlier than less lonely people, with loneliness being a risk factor for heart problems, strokes, dementia, depression, and anxiety among the aged.14
It is understandable, in light of the above, that loneliness has been described as a modern ‘epidemic’. But this terminology is politically and socially powerful. It leads to knee-jerk political soundbites rather than thoughtful, historically informed discussion about what loneliness might mean, and why it might be rising. Perhaps rather than viewing loneliness as inevitable, especially in old age, and focusing on scientific reasons for its physical effects
(such as hormonal shifts in the body), we would do better to consider the links between loneliness and other lifestyle factors, ranging from comfort eating, obesity, and physical inactivity (an unholy trinity that is often correlated with loneliness), to practical concerns, like an isolated person not having a companion to remind them to take their heart medication. Loneliness does not happen in a vacuum but is deeply connected with all aspects of our mental, physical, and psychological health. Loneliness is a whole-body affliction, of that there is no doubt. But as this book shows, the story of loneliness is a complex one.
How should we define loneliness, this peculiar but oft-cited condition that has no opposite? A useful modern definition is stated by Professor Lars Andersson, from the Department of Social and Welfare Studies at Linköping University in Sweden, one of the most enlightened countries when it comes to investigating the health and social condition of the aged and most vulnerable in society. Andersson’s definition of loneliness is ‘an enduring condition of emotional distress that arises when a person feels estranged from, misunderstood, or rejected by others and/or lacks appropriate social partners for desired activities, particularly activities that provide a sense of social integration and opportunities for emotional intimacy’.15 Loneliness is not the state of being alone, then, though it is often mistaken as such. It is a conscious, cognitive feeling of estrangement or social separation from meaningful others; an emotional lack that concerns a person’s place in the world.
Loneliness is entirely subjective. It has been measured, apparently objectively, in relation to personal statements, by use of the UCLA Loneliness Scale. This questionnaire asks individuals to describe their feelings of loneliness according to a sliding
