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Imogen

A Next Generation Carter Brother Novel

Book 8

By Lisa Helen Gray

EditedbyStephanieFarrantatFarrantEditing CoverDesignandFormattingbyHarperL.JamesonatDarkCityDesigns

Nopartofthispublicationmaybereproducedortransmittedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical, includingphotocopy,recording,oranyinformationstorageandretrievalsystemwithoutthepriorwrittenconsentfromthe publisher,exceptintheinstanceofquotesforreviews.Nopartofthisbookmaybescanned,uploaded,ordistributedviathe Internetwithoutthepublisher’spermissionandisaviolationoftheinternationalcopyrightlaw,whichsubjectstheviolatorto severefinesandimprisonment.

Thisbookislicensedforyourenjoyment.E-bookcopiesmaynotberesoldorgivenawaytootherpeople.Ifyouwouldlike tosharewithafriend,pleasebuyanextracopy Thankyouforrespectingtheauthor’swork

Thisisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,placesandeventsareallproductsoftheauthor’simagination.Any resemblancetoactualpersons,livingordead,businessesorestablishmentsispurelycoincidental

Prologue

CHAPTERONE

CHAPTERTWO

CHAPTERTHREE

CHAPTERFOUR

CHAPTERFIVE

CHAPTERSIX

CHAPTERSEVEN

CHAPTEREIGHT

CHAPTERNINE

CHAPTERTEN

CHAPTERELEVEN

CHAPTERTWELVE

CHAPTERTHIRTEEN

CHAPTERFOURTEEN

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

CHAPTERSIXTEEN

CHAPTERSEVENTEEN

CHAPTEREIGHTEEN

CHAPTERNINETEEN

CHAPTERTWENTY

CHAPTERTWENTY-ONE

CHAPTERTWENTY-TWO

CHAPTERTWENTY-THREE

CHAPTERTWENTY-FOUR

CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN

CHAPTERTWENTY-EIGHT

CHAPTERTWENTY-NINE

CHAPTERTHIRTY

CHAPTERTHIRTY-ONE

CHAPTERTHIRTY-TWO

CHAPTERTHIRTY-THREE

CHAPTERTHIRTY-FOUR

CHAPTERTHIRTY-FIVE

CHAPTERTHIRTY-SIX

CHAPTERTHIRTY-SEVEN

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

Maverick&Teagan

-Faith(engagedtoBeau)

-Lily(marriedtoJaxon) -Mark

-Aiden(withBailey)

Mason&Denny

-Hope -Ciara -Ashton

Malik&Harlow

-Madison(Twin1)

-Maddox(Twin2–withAmelia) -Trent

Max&Lake

-Landon(Triplet1–withPaisley) -Hayden(Triplet2–withClayton) -Liam(Triplet3)

Myles&Kayla

-Charlotte(withDrew) -Jacob

Evan(Denny’sbrother)&Kennedy -Imogen -Joshua

FAMILYTREE

Imogen

Atseventeen,I’vehadmyfairshareofcrushes,butIneverexperiencedlove until him.MymumoftentellsmeIhavemy wholelifetofallinlove,soIshouldn’trushit SometimesIthinkshetellsmethatbecauseshehasto That,orshefeelssorry forme.Becauseladsarescaredofme.Theyalwayshavebeen.IthinkIintimidatethem.I’vealwaysspokenmymind,but growingupwiththeCarterfamily,Iinheritedtheirconfidenceandtheirdrivetotakenoshit

Mydad,however…Heburieshisheadinthesandbecausehedoesn’tparticularlywantmetodate.Hehasrules,buthe’s neverbeenunreasonableaboutthem

Whichmakesthismorefrustrating.

BecauseIaminlovewithaguywhoworksforhim.Atleast,I’mprettysurethatiswhatI’mfeeling.Whenhewalksintoa room,mystomachflutters,andmyheartbeatsrapidly Wordsdon’tcomeeasilywhenhe’saround,becausewhenhespeaksto me,Igetalumpinmythroatandmycoherentthoughtsbecomenon-existent.He’stheonlyguywhohasevercrumpledmy confidence HemakesmefeellikehowGinaMorganmusthavefeltinYear7atschool,whensheusedtogobrightredevery timehercrushwalkedintotheroom.

BenDonovanhasmyheartandmyattention HeisthefittestguyI’veeverlaideyeson AndIthinkhelikesmetoo Ifeel itwhenhelooksatme,whichisweirdtoexplainbecauseyoucan’tphysicallyfeelalook.

Heboughtmeabagofstrawberrybon-bonsbecauseheknowshowmuchIlovethem.HebringsmedrinkswhenI’m studyinginDad’soffice AndhespeakstomelikeI’mawoman,notachild Thentheotherday,whenagroupofladsfrom anotherschoolwereshoutingexplicitslursatme,hewrappedhisarmaroundmyshoulders.Hedidn’tevenneedtosay anything Hegavethemadeathglareuntiltheyranwiththeirtailstuckedbetweentheirlegs,thenproceededtowalkmeinto mydad’sworkwithhisarmaroundme.Iknewthenitwastimetomakeamove.I’vebeenholdingofffortoolong.

HestartedworkingformydadatnineteenandIwasnearlyfifteenyearsold.Backthen,Ithoughtitwasjustacrushand I’dgetoverit.ButtheolderIgot,andthemoreIsawhim,thesurerIbecamethatthiswassomethingmore.

HaydenCartercomesrushingdownthecorridortowhereI’msittingataroundtable,pullingmefrommemorylane.She’s mybestfriend evenwiththethree-yearagegap Atfifteen,Haydenisabadass,andshe’smykindofcrazy,whichiswhywe getalongsowell.She’salsomycousin.Notbyblood,butmyauntieismarriedtoanotherCarter,sowearebasicallyfamily.

Andtoday,wearecelebratingmydad’sforty-fifthbirthday,sincehe’sadamantaboutnotcelebratinghisfiftieth Heknew Mumwasalreadyplanningitsincehewasawayforhisfortiethbirthday,sotheycametoacompromiseandthrewoneforhis forty-fifth.

Everyoneishere.

EvenBenDonovan,theguyI’vebeenwaitingfor,forwhatfeelslikeforever.

“Whattookyousolong?”IhisswhenHaydentakesaseat,flickingherlong,darkhairbehindhershoulder Shepushesherchaircloserandleansin.“Dadtryingtotakemyfoodagain.”

“It’sabuffet,”Ipointout SheglaresatmeandIleanback,holdingmyhandsupinsurrender Iquicklyamendmy statement.“Howdarehe!”

“Iknow,right?I’magrowingkid,andhetriestostealthepartysausagerollsfromme.”

Ilickmylipsatthementionofsausagerolls I’vebeenfeelingsouneasyabouttonight,Icouldn’tstomachfoodwhenthey firstopenedthebuffet.“Arethereanyleft?”Iask,scanningthebuffettable.

“Fuckno Whatdoyouthinktookmesolong?Iatethem ThenIstoleDad’s plate for Mum andwentandhidthatone” Mylowerlipdropsatherdeclaration.“Girl,youstoleyourmum’sfood?That’scold.”

“No,it’swhatDadtellspeopleit’sfor,butreally,it’severythinghecouldn’tfitonhisownplate Wealldoit Myspare plateisforLandon,Landon’sisforLiam,andLiam’sisforme.Wehaveasystem.”

“Youdorealiseyouguysarecrazy?”Iask,archingabrow.

“Look,ifyougrewupwithabunchofwolvestryingtostealyourfood,you’ddothesame Trustme You’reluckyyou onlyhaveJoshuatoworryabout.Ihaveanentirepacktowatchoutfor.Youcan’ttrustanyofthem.”

Joshuaismyyoungerbrother,andhonestly,asidefromthestupidshithegetsuptowithourothercousins,he’snever botheredmeasabrother.Wedon’tfightliketheCartersfightwiththeirsiblings.Notthattheyeverfightseriously.It’sall banter Kindof

“Andthattookyouanhour?”Iask.

“Ohno,Ikeptslippingmorevodkaintoyourdad’sdrink.He’sprettywastednow,soevenifhestumblesacrossyouand Benandquestionsit,he’llbelievewhateverbullshitstoryyoucomeupwith” Iwrapmyarmaroundhershoulders.“HaveItoldyoulatelyhowmuchIloveyou?”

“Puh-lease Youowemeatriplechocolatefudgecake,andanotherbottleofvodka” Myeyeswiden.“Thevodkawasyours?”

Sheshrugs,herexpressionfallingalittle.“Technically,itwasLandon’s.He’sbeendrinkinghisfuckingsorrowsawaya lotlately,soIdidhimafavour.”

“Andyouwanttoreturnittohim?”

“Fuckno!I’vegotanotherpartytomorrowandIwanttogetwasted.”

“Ah,okay I’llgetittomorrowforyou”

SinceI’vealwayslookedolderthanmyyears,it’seasyformetogetserved.I’veneverbeenaskedforI.D.andwe’ve alwaysusedthattoouradvantage

“Thankyou,”sheresponds,noddingsolemnly.

“DoyouknowwhereBenis?”Iask,mynosescrunchingupwhenIspotmymumanddadmakingoutonthedancefloor. “OhGod,she’stouchinghisarse”

Haydensnickers.“You’dbetterwearearplugstobed.”

Inudgeherawayfromme “Eww,Hayden!”

“Oh,lover-boyisinthebathroom.”

“He’sprobablylefttherenow,”Ihiss “Youcouldn’thavetoldmethatbeforeyousatdown?”

“Easy,tiger.He’sjustabouttogoin,”sheexplains,jerkingherchininthedirectionofthecorridor.

Andsureenough,Benplaceshispintofbeerdownontheshelfoutsidethebathroom,beforeheadinginside.

Panicgrowswithinme I’veneverdonethisbefore Sure,I’vehadladscomeuptomeandflirt,butI’veneverbeenthe onetogoupanddoit.Andthey’veneverflirtedforlong.Oncetheysaysomethingdemeaningorcheesy,Itendtolayintothem. ThenIhavetowatchthemhightailitawayliketheirarseisonfire

ButIknowBenlikesme.IseehimwatchingmewhenhethinksI’mnotlooking.It’sonlybeenthepastfewmonthsthatit’s beenobvious,butIwasonlyachildwhenIfirstmethim.Inafewweeks,though,I’mgoingtobeeighteen,andwewon’tneed toworryaboutthat.

“Idon’tknowwhattodo,”Istress,rubbingmypalmsdownmyblackminidress,whichisfeelingtighterthanitdidwhenI firstputiton

“Breathe,”Haydendemands.“YouareaCarter,forfuck’ssake.You’vegotthis.”

“I’maSmith,”Iremindher,panting

Shewavesmeoff.“Semantics.YouareaCarteratheart,andthat’sallthatmatters.Now,youaregoingtogoandwait outsidethebathroomforhimtocomeout.Thenyoucanaskhimtogooutsidewithyou,andthenjustgoforit.Kisshimandtell himhowyoufeel.”

“Andthatworks?”Iask,bitingmybottomlip.

“Trustme I’veseenhimlookatyou Helikesyou”

Ipushbackinmychairandgettomyfeet.“Wishmeluck.”

“Youdon’tneedit You’reaCarter,remember?”

IsqueezehershoulderandthenadjustmydresssoI’mshowingalittlemoreboob.MyfeetfeelheavyasImakemyway downtothemen’stoiletsandleanagainstthewall,pullingmyphoneoutofmybag.Imightbeoutsideherewaitingforhim,but Idon’twanttomakeitobvious

Ihearthehanddryersgoingoffinsidethebathroom,andIknowit’sonlyamatterofsecondsbeforehecomesout.Itakea breath,scrollingthroughFacebooksoIdon’tlooklikeacompletecreeper IknowI’mactingcrazy,buthemakesmecrazy He tiesmeupinknotsyetmakesmefeelfreeatthesametime.

Thedooropens,andIholdmybreathforasplitsecond,peekingattheflooruntilIseehisboots Bootshe’salways wearing.TheonlytimeIseehimintrainersiswhenheisatthegymmydadhasinthecellarofthebuildingtheyworkin. “Immy,iseverythingokay?”hegreets.

Ilookup,pretendingtobesurprisedtoseehim “Hey,Ben,Ididn’tseeyouthere”

Andmygod,heisgorgeous.Evendressedcasuallyhelookshot.Awhite,crispshirtisuntuckedfromhisdarkjeans,and hisleatherjackethangsopen,givingatinyglimpseofthetattooshehassnakinguphisneck

Hebrusheshissandyblondehairfromhisface,andhisstartlinggreeneyesmeetmine.Theydon’tpickapartthedressI’m wearinglikesomanyothershereattendingorworkingthepartyhavedone Heseesme “Iseverythingokay?”

Iglanceatthedoorthatleadsouttothefrontofthebuilding.Thecentremymumhiredformydadishuge.Ithasavenue spaceandamember’sroom,bothofwhichhavebarsinside.Therearetwochangingroomsandasportshall,andoutsideit hasacricketfield,abasketballcourt,andafieldofAstroTurfforfootballandhockey “IthinkI’mgoingtogetsomefreshair,”Ireply.

BeforeIcanaskhimtojoinme,hespeaks,hiseyessoftandonme “I’llcomewithyou Therewasakidoutthereearlier causingtrouble.”

I’mjumpingwithgleeontheinside.It’sworking.AllI’vewantedtodoisgethimalone.Gethimtoadmithefeels whateverthisisbetweenus.

Webegintomakeourwaydownthecorridortotheexit.“Youfinishedyourassignment?”Iask.

Heworksguardingthosewhoneedit.Thelastassignmenthehadwasprotectingaladwhowastestifyingincourtagainst agangmember.Benwassupposedtostaywithhimuntiltheladwentintowitnessprotection.

“Yeah He’ssafenow Thegangsinthatareaareknowntorecruitschoolkids It’sashamehimandhisfamilyhavehadto leavethelifetheyknow,andalltheirfamily,butitneededtobedone.”

Ineverthoughtofitlikethat “I’mgladhe’ssafethough IheardDadtalkingtoMumaboutit Hesaidtherewasasceneat thecourthouse.”

“Yeah Thegangwasthere,waitingtotakehimout Thankfully,thefamilyhiredusbeforehandsotheynevergotnearhim” Westepoutintothecold,nightair,andIrubmyhandsupanddownmyarms.“Lookslikethatkidyoumentionedhas gone,”Imurmur,searchingthearea.Nooneelseisoutsideonthissideofthebuilding.Thosewhosmokearegatheredinthe patioareaontheothersideofthebuilding

“Yeah,”heresponds,slippingoffhisjacket.“Here,youlookcold.”

Hethrowsitovermyshoulders,standingsocloseIcansmellhiscologne,whichhasawarmandspicytonetoit Islipmy armsthroughthejacket,andgoforit.

Myfingersgentlytouchthehardlinesofhisabs,andIstepcloser Hetenses “Immy,whatareyoudoing?”

Isteelmyspine.“Ilikeyou,Ben,andIthinkyoulikemetoo.”

GladIworetheridiculouslyhighheels,Ileanuponmytip-toes,mylipsmeetinghis.Heplaceshishandsonmybiceps, andforasplitsecond,Ithinkhe’sgoingtokissmeback Thatdreamisshort-livedwhenhepullsbackjustasquicklyasI movedtokisshim.

“Immy,whatthehellareyoudoing?”

“I…Ilikeyou.”

“Thiscan’thappen,”heorders,hiseyesnarrowing.

“Why?”

“Areyoureallyaskingmethat?”

“Youlikeme Iknowyoudo,”Iargue,butthere’snoheatbehindthosewords,justhumiliation “Youareachild,andlet’snotforget,Iworkforyourdad,”heexplains.

“I’meighteeninafewweeks,”Iwhisper Hisexpressiongoesblank,hisgreeneyesgrowingdistant,likehe’sremovinghimselffromthesituation.“I’msorryifI’ve givenyoutheimpressionthatIlikeyouinthatway.Idon’t.Iwantedtomakeagoodimpressiononyourdadsincehehiredme soyoung,whichiswhyI’mnicetoyou.”

“I…”Idon’tknowwhattosay. ThisisnothowIimaginedthenightwouldgo Ithoughtforsurehelikedme “Immy,”hebegins.

“It’sImogen,”Isnap

“Look,I’msorry.Thisisjustacrushthatyou’llgetover.Icanpretendthatthisdidn’thappen.”

“Don’tdomeanyfavours,”Ibrokenlyargue,slippinghisjacketoff.Ihanditbacktohim,hittinghischestasIdo. Beforehecanseethetearsfall,Istepaway “Whereareyougoing?” “Forawalk,”Icallback.“Anddon’tfollowme.”

Ihearhimsighasthefirsttearfalls I’vespentyearsobsessingovereverylittlethinghehasdone I’verefusedtogoon dates,orjoininondaysoutwithmyfriends.AllbecauseIwantedtowaitforhim,andtoshowhimIamnotachild.

Ishouldneverhavetalkedmyselfintodoingthis

AsobcatchesinmythroatasImakemywaydownthesideofthebuilding,towheretheconcretestepsare.Theyareused forspectatorstositandwatchthecricketmatches.

“Imogen?”

Iglanceupatthesoundofmyfriend’svoice.AtthetopofthestepsisZachArmstrong,sittingbackagainstthewooden bar Hehasonapairofjeansandapoloshirt;hisbodyleanandtall Imakemywayuptohim We’vebeenfriendsforyears now eversincewehadtodoascienceprojecttogether.“Whatareyoudoinghere?”

“Icametoseeyou,”hetellsme,hishazeleyeswatchingme “Whyareyoucrying?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter,”Itellhim,ashamedoftheanswer.“Whydidn’tyoucomeinside?”

“Yourcousinswouldn’tletme.I’mactuallyhidingfromthem.”

Igrimace “Whichones?”

“LiamandMaddox,”hetellsmeasItakeaseatnexttohim.“Tellmewhyyou’reupset.”

Irestmyelbowsagainstmyknees,pullingmyhairawayfrommyfaceasmoretearsfall “Imadeafooloutofmyselfin frontofsomeone.Hedoesn’twantme.”

Zachclearshisthroat,hishandtouchingmythigh.“Ilikeyou.”

Isitup,searchinghisgazetoseeifhe’ssincere.“What?”

“I’vealwayslikedyou,”herushesout.

“I…”I’mabouttogivehimthesamespeechBenjustgaveme,anditdoesn’tfeelgood.

“Please,justgiveusachance.We’vebeenfriendssinceforever,andyouknowI’dneverhurtyoulikethatguy.”

“Youdon’tknowwhoI’mtalkingabout,”Iwhisper

“Ido.Thatpunkkidwhoworksforyourdad.He’llneverlookatyoulikeyouareanythingbutakid.Trustme.Iheard themtalkingaboutit”

“What?Who?When?”

“Rememberwhenwewerestudyinginyourdad’sofficeforthescienceproject?”

“Yeah.”AndIdo,becauseitwasthefirsttimemydaddidn’tgoalldadonmeaboutboys.

“Oneoftheotherguyswhoworksthereaskedhimwhyhespoketoyouallthetimeandwasteasinghimaboutlikingyou. Hegotdefensiveandadmittedthatyouwerejusteasytomanipulateandthatyouwerenothingbutachild Hesaidyoucould nevergetaboyfriendbecauseyouactsoimmature,andhethinksyouhavementalissues.”

Mythroatclosesup,andIstruggleforamomenttoprocesseverythinghesaid Benreallythinksthosethingsaboutme His declarationearlierprovedthat.Andhe’snotthefirstboywhohasdeclaredsuchfeelingsaboutme.TommyBadmintoncalled meoutinYear9,tellingeveryoneIcouldn’tgetaboyfriendbecauseIactedsocrazy Maybethey’reright.

“Ireallylikedhim,”Iadmit.

“Becauseyounevergaveanyoneelseatry Please,Imogen,giveusachance I’velikedyouforsolong,andIknow togetherwe’llmakeagreatcouple.”

Ithinkaboutitforamoment MaybemeneverhavingaproperboyfriendiswhatputBenoff Heprobablycalledmea childbecauseIhavenoexperienceasawoman.

Thatsaid…“Idon’twanttoruinourfriendship.”

“Whydon’twejustseewherethiscango?Wedon’tevenhavetobeofficialoranything.Wecanbefriends.Imean,don’t youwanttogetbackathimforhurtingyou?”

Iglanceathim “Whatdoyoumean?”

“Thebestwaytohurthimbackistobewithsomeoneelse.Ifhedoesn’tseeyouthewayIseeyou,heisn’tworthit anyway Wecantrythistogether,andifitdoesn’twork,wecangobacktobeingfriends” “Andyou’dbeokaywiththat?”

“Yeah.I’velikedyouforages,Imogen.I’lldoanythingtomakeyouseeI’mtherightpersonforyou.”

AmIreallyconsideringthis?

Myheartaches,andBen’swordsarestillfloatingaroundinmymind,hurtingmedeeply. AndZachhasbeenmyfriendforawhile He’sgoodlookinginapretty,boy-next-doorway,butI’veneverreally consideredhimtobeanythingmorethanafriend.

Buthe’srightaboutBen I’mnevergoingtogetoverhimifI’mwallowingaroundinself-pity. OrifI’msingle.

ItwilljustprovethateverythingBensaidwastrue Ibrushmytearsasideandclearmythroat.“Okay,I’lltry.” Hegrins,hisentirefacelightingup “Youwon’tregretthis I’mgoingtomakeyousohappy”

Anotheryearolder,andalreadyIcanfeelthepressureofmylifeweighingdownonme.I’mnotwhereIwanttobe,and therearetimeswhenIstillfeelseventeen,stuckinalifeIwanttogrowoutof.Attwenty-four,Ishouldbelivingalifewhere theonlyconcernIhaveismovingoutofmyparents’houseorfinishingadegree ButI’vedonethosethings Albeit,Ionly movedintothebungalownextdoorandI’veonlyjust gotmydegree.

AdegreeIhavenoideawhatIwanttodowith WhenIgotmydegreeintechnology,itwastohelpmydadwithhis business.Ilikecomputers,andsinceDadhatesalltheofficestuffandprefersbeingoutinthefield,itwasawin-winforboth ofus.ButworkingforhimfeltlikeasetbackfromeverythingIhadbeentryingtorunfrom.

BenDonovan

Aguywhostillhauntsme,andthehumiliationstillburns.Evenaftereverything,thesefeelingsIhaveforhimnever subsided I’vetriedsohardandfailedeverytime Hestillturnsmyworldupsidedown,andhestillrendersmespeechless Secretglancesandhiddenfeelingshavebeenmylifeeversincethenightofmydad’sbirthdayparty.

WantingsomeoneIcanneverhaveisasicknessIcanneverbecuredfrom SoIaddedabusinessadministrationdegreetomyCVandthoughtifIcouldbeapersonalassistanttomydad,Icouldbe thatforanothercompany.

AndIhave

IamnowanassistantadministratorfortheCEOofoneofthelargestgamingcompaniesintheUK.CastleandGameshave beenlaunchingnewsoftwareandgamessuccessfullyforeightyearsnowandareoneofthemostprofitableorganisationsinthe techindustry asidefromtheoriginals,likeSony,whohavebeenaroundforgenerations.

Butmylifestilldoesn’tfeelcomplete

Zach,whohasbeenmyofficialboyfriendfortwoyearsnow,finishesgivingmyordertothewaitress.LikeIcan’tspeak formyself.

He’sstillthesameZachfromschool,butinmanyways,he’schanged especiallyinthepasttwoyearswe’vebeen together.

Wetriedtodothewholerelationshipthingbackonmydad’sbirthday,butaftereightmonths,weendedit Idon’tknowif itwasbecauseitfeltforcedorbecauseweweren’tthatintoeachother.ButIplayedalongforaslongasIdid,hopingoneday Iwouldfeelsomething.

Ididn’t,soIaskedforustobejustfriends.

Itriedtodateotherpeopleafter,buttherelationshipsendedbadly.NoneofthemliveduptowhoIwanted.Zach,however, did Webarelyargued Henevercheatedordisappearedonnightsout Heneverignoredmycallsortexts Thereweresomany signsshininglikeabeacontobewithhim.

Twoyearsago,mylovelifewasinashambles,andIwasaskedtotakeapackageovertoBen’s Abeautifulwoman answeredthedoor,andshewaseverythingIwasn’t.ItmademerealiseBenwouldneverlookatmeinaromanticway.She hadastunningfigureandbeautifulfacialfeatures.EveninaT-shirt thatclearlywasn’thers sheoutshinedme.

ThatwasthedayIfinallytookmyrelationshipwithZachtothenextlevelandwebecameacouple.Ihadsomeonewho wantedme,andapartofmewantedtowanthim.Iwantedtowantsomeonewhowasn’tBenDonovan.Anditwasn’tlikeZach madememiserable Ilovebeingwithhim We’regoodtogether Orwewere.

Everydaysincewegottogether,there’sbeenamissingpieceinsideofme It’snotbecauseIdon’tlovehim Ithinkinmy ownway,Ido.Hejustdoesn’tmakemystomachflutter,andI’mneverexcitedtoseehim.

Liketoday.ItoldhimIhadplanswithmyfamilyformybirthday,butinstead,hechosetogoaroundmeandtalktomy mumaboutcancellingthem

Hebroughtmetoalavishrestaurant,wherethefoodisoutofmycomfortzone,andIprobablywon’teat.Icouldhave beeneatingatriplewhopperburgeratmyfavouritebeefhouse Instead,I’mhere

It’snotthefirsttimehe’sdonesomethinglikethis.Helovesmeandwantstobewithme,buthemakesmefeelinvisible. Heneverusedtoactlikethis AndthemoreIlethimgetawaywithhisactions,andthemoreIletsnidecommentspass,the moreIloseofmyself.Idon’tknowwhoIamanymore.Idon’trecognisethewomanwhostaresbackatmeinthemirror.

IstareatZachagain,tryingtoconjureupfeelingsthatIjustdon’tfeelanymore.Idon’twanttohurthim.He’sbeenmybest friend,myfirst,andmyboyfriendforacoupleofyears He’ssavedmefromheartbreakandhumiliationaftereverybreakupor incidentinmylife.

Butsomewherealongtheway,helostme I’vebeentryingtobreakitoffwithhimfornearlyayearnow eversincehebegantochange.Hischangeinbehaviour

mademerealisemyfeelingsneverwentpastwhatIfeelformyotherfriends.AndeverytimeIcametotheconclusionI couldn’tfixthisbetweenus,it’slikeheknewitwascoming.Hewouldchangeandsaysomethingsweet,orremindmeheisall I’lleverhave

I’mnotthispersonthough.Idon’tstringpeoplealong.ButthereisjustsomethingaboutZachthatstopsmefromspeaking thetruth Andmaybethatislove Idon’tknow

OrmaybeIdon’twanthimtohurtthewayIhurtwhenBenletmedown.

Idoknowthisisn’tfairtohimortome Ididn’twantittocometothisbuttodayhasprovedit’smyonlychoice Hereachesacrossthetabletotakemyhand,pullingmefrommythoughts.

“So,yournewgameisabigdeal,”heremarks,tryingtokeeptheconversationgoing.

Irubatmytemple,feelingaheadachebrewing “Yeah Onlyafewofushaveaccesstothedatauntilthelaunch Thereare toomanycompanieswhowoulddoanythingtogettheirhandsonthisgame.It’sgoingtobegood.”

Heletsoutabreath,smilingashegazesaroundthelavishrestaurant “Ibetyoudidn’tthinkyou’dbeinarestaurantas niceasthis,”heannounces.

Ijustwanttogohome Ihaven’tevenhadachancetospendtimewithmydadbecauseheleftreallyearlythismorning “No,IthoughtI’dbewithmyfamily,eatingaburger.”

“Youdon’twanttoeatthatcrap.I’vetoldyoubefore,ifyouwanttolosethosehips,youneedtolosethechips.”Helaughs athisownjoke

AllIdoisfeelmoreself-conscious.I’mnotoverweightbyanymeans,butIdohavewidehips,abigarse,andtits.They areinsecuritiesIknowmostpeoplewon’tcomplainabout,buthislittle jokes makemefeelworseaboutthem “Zach,”Ibegin,needingtojustgetthisoverwith.

Hesqueezesmyhand.“It’snotonlyoursix-yearanniversary,but ” “We’vebeentogetherfortwo,”Iremindhim.

Hewavesmeoff.“We’vebeentogetherlongerthanthatandyouknowit.It’sthebestchoiceyoucouldhavemade.Wefit together YouknowwhatIneedandIknowwhatyouneed”

HehasnocluewhatIneed.

“Zach,I ”

“Ithinkit’stimetoshoweveryonehowseriouswearetogether.You’vegotyournewjobnow,andI’llbefinishedwith mylawdegreesoon.”

Dreadhitsmystomachatwherethisisgoing.Oratleast,whereIthinkit’sgoing.“Idon’tfeeltoogood,”Imanageto chokeout,justashesays,“Ithinkweshouldmoveintogether.”

Oh God, no

“Zach…”MyphoneringsandIquicklydigitoutofmybag.

“Don’tanswerthat It’srude,”hescolds,glancingaroundlikehe’scaughtmewhippingoutdrugsandnotmymobile Iglanceatthescreen,seeingMum’sname.“It’smymum.”

“Shecanwait.Thisisaboutourfuture.She’llunderstand.”Hetakesmyphonefromme,placingitnexttohisknifeand fork Ibiteonmylip,staringatthephonelikeIcanwillittome Howdarehe!Iignorealotofthingswhenitcomestohim becausehelovesme.Inasmallway,Ilovehimtoo,butlately,he’sbeencocky,pushingboundariesheneverpushedbefore, andI’vehadenoughofit Ipullmyselffrommythoughts,realisinghe’sstillrambling “Whatdoyouthink?Shouldwemovein tomineoryours?Yoursisalittlesmallandmightbealittleembarrassingforyournewjob.Theyexpectyoutobe ”

Ishakeawaymyanger,meetinghisgaze “I’mnotmovingoutofmyhome”

“Whywouldyounotwanttomoveintomine?Itmakesnosense.Mineisfarnicer.” Hisparentsboughthimhisobnoxioushomeasagiftwhenhepassedhisfirstyearoflawschool.

“I’mnotmovingintoyourseither”

“Oh,Igetit.Youwanttofindahousethatisours.Imean,it’sdoable.Myparentswon’t ”

“No,Imean ”Myphonebeginstoringagain,andIbitemybottomlip Mymumonlyevercallscontinuouslyifit’s somethingimportant.“Ireallyshouldgetthat.”

“Callherafter,”hedemands “Thisisaboutourfuture,forChrist’ssake” “Zach,thisisn’tworking,”Isnap,snatchingthephoneoffthetable. “Christ,ifit’sthatimportant,justringherback.Ithoughttodaywasaboutus.”

“No,it’s my birthdaythatyou ’ ve completelyhigh-jacked” Hiseyesnarrowintoslits.“Fuck’ssake,Imogen.I’mtryingtodosomethingnice,somethingmostguyswon’tdo,and you’rebeingungrateful”

“I’mbeinghonest.There’sadifference.ItoldyouIdidn’twanttodoanythingwithyoutodaybecauseIcelebrateitwith myfamily.Youdidn’tlisten.”

“Areyouseriouslytryingtoputallofthisonme?Ididsomethingnice,Imogen.Can’tyoujustsaythankyouandenjoyour meal?Ithinkouranniversaryismoreimportantthananythingelserightnow.”

Ituckmyhandundermythightostopmyselffrompunchinghimintheface.Ifhewasanyoneelse,Iwouldhavealready knockedhimout.Butit’sZach.Wehavehistory.Andhe’salwaysbeenthereforme.

Myphoneringsagain,anddreadfillsmystomach Hequicklysnatchesit,answeringit “Hello,MrsSmith,it’sZach Can Imogencallyouback?Thankyou.”

Hedidn’tevenletherspeak Iheardheranswer,“ThankGod,Imogen,”beforehetookoverthecall Isnatchmyphonefromhishandandgrabmycoatfromthebackofmychair.“We’redone.”

“Youkeeplettingthemcontrolyourlife Youneedtogrowup,Imogen Allyourfamilytakeupsomuchofyourtime becauseyouletthem.”

“No,theydon’t.IgivethemmytimebecauseIlovebeingwiththem.Andtheyloveme.Believeitornot,Zach,someofus loveourfamily”

“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”heasks,hisvoicehigh-pitched.

“Itmeansyoutreatyourparentslikeacashmachine Andtheygiveittoyoubecauseyouareanonlychild,whichis probablywhyyoudon’tunderstandmyrelationshipwithmyfamily.”

“Youknowwhat,Idon’thavetolistentothis Idoeverythingforyou,Imogen Iofferedtopayyourbillswhilstyouwere lookingforanewjob.”

“No,youdiditsoIdidn’ttakeupmydad’sofferofworkingforhim,”Icorrectharshly.

Hescoffs “I’vebeenwithyouthrougheverythingandthisishowyoutreatme Youknowwhatit’sliketobehurtby someoneyoucareabout.Yetyoustandthere,breakingmyheart.”

Istarehimintheeyes,feelinghiswordsdowntomycore He’ssupposedtoloveme,yethehurtsmeeverychancehe gets.I’vebrusheditoffsomanytimes,buthetearsmeaparteverytimeheusesatallycharttocompeteinourrelationship. “Yeah,Idoknowwhatit’slike.”AndIhopehecatchesontoitmeaninghim.Becausehehas is hurtingme.

Iwalkaway,weavinginandoutofthetables,beingcarefulnottoknockintoanyoneinmyhastetogetoutofhere.Tears offrustrationburnmyeyes.Why,outofeveryone,ishetheonlypersonIallowtotreatmelikethis?IknowIhaven’texactly beenhonestwithmyfeelings,butIdon’tbreakhimdownuntilhefeelslikecrap I’veworkedhardtomakethiswork,tokeep ustogether,buthepushesbackeverysingletime.

Ihitthedoors,rushingoutsideoftherestaurantasmyphonebeginstoring Itakeabreath,wantingtocalmmyracing heart.Butsuddenly,HaydenCarterpullsupwithClaydrivinginadarkbluecar,musicblasting,andmyheartbeginstorace onceagain.

AndIknowwhatevermymumhastosayisbad.Itmustbereallybadformycousintocomeandseekmeout.

Please let my family be okay.

IslowlyliftthephonetomyearasIanswerthecall,myeyesneverleavingHaydenasshegetsoutofthecar “Hello,”I greet,mytonevoidofanyemotion.

“Honey,there’sbeenanincident Yourdadneedsus”

Mykneesthreatentogiveout.“IsDadokay?”

“Yes,sweetie.But…”

“Mum,please Whoishurt?”

“It’sBen.Theassignmenthewason…it’sendedbadly.Bengotstabbed,andtheyonlyfoundthemintheearlyhoursof thismorning Yourdadhasbeenupthehospitalallday” HaydenreachesmeandIfallintoherarms.“Keepittogether,”shewhispers,takingthephonefrommyhands.

“Hi,AuntKennedy,it’sme,Hayden We’regoingtobringhertothehospitalforyou Yeah,she’sokay Ithinkshewasjust worrieditwasherdadyouwerecallingabout.Iknow.Loveyoutoo.”Sheendsthecallandshovesmyphoneintomybag. “We’regoingtogotothehospitalandyouaregoingtostaystrong.”

“Hewasstabbed,”Iwhisper,asalltheemotionsItriedtokeepatbaycomefloodingback “HowcanIstaystrong?It’s Ben.Youknowwhathemeanstome.”

Shecloseshereyesforamoment “Andit’sbecauseofwhathemeanstoyouthatyouneedtostaystrong” Iwipeawaythetears,lettingoutadrylaugh.“AlltheseyearsI’vebeentellingmyselfI’moverhim,butlookatme.I’m stillobsessedoveraguywhohasnointerestinme”

“Youknowthat’snottrue,”shescolds. Iarchabrow.“Really?Areyoustillsingingthatsametune?Thisisme,Hayden.Bereal.”

Shepunchesmeinthearm,andfuckithurts “DoIcoddleanyone?” Ieyeherhand,worriedshe’llpunchmeagain.“No.”

“No,Ifuckingdon’t WhenItellyouhe’sintoyou,he’sfuckingintoyou NowaywouldIsteermyfamilywrong Ever” “Sorry,”Igrumpilyrespond.

“Somethingstoppedhimallthoseyearsago;thesamethingthatisstoppinghimnow.Idon’tknowwhat,buttrustme, whateveritis,it’sthereasonhehasn’tmadeamove.I’veseenthewayhelooksatyou.” “Likehepitiesme,”Isnort.

“No.Helooksatyouliketheworldiscrumblingaroundhim,butyou’retheonlypersonwhomatters.”

“Imogen,”Zachsnaps.“Ithoughtweweregoinghalvessinceit’sbothouranniversary.Youcouldhaveatleastleftme somemoney”

“Letmestabhim,”Haydenpleads,grippingmyhands.

“Iknewyouwouldregretthethingsyousaid,”heboasts,takinginthetearsonmycheeks “Youhavetoknowweare perfectforeachother.”

“Zach,pleasedon’tdothis Notrightnow”

“Youbrokeup?”Haydenaskscheerfully,likeshe’sbeentoldshe’swonthelottery. “No,”Zachsharplyresponds,asIsay,“Yes.”

“Whatdoyoumean,yes?”Zachasks “Wehadadisagreement Idon’tthinkitwarrantsustobreakup”

Ican’tpretendanymore.Theacheinmychestgrowsatthepanicinhisvoice,butalsothecondescendingtonehe’susing.I don’twanttohurthim,butthisisn’tworkingoutbetweenus,andwe’relyingtoourselvesthinkingotherwise

“Zach,youknowIvalueourfriendship,”Ibegin,ignoringHayden’ssnort.“Youmeanalottome,whichiswhyIcan’tdo thisanymore Wedon’tfit Ashardaswetry,wejustdon’tfit”

“Whatareyousaying?”

“YouknowwhatI’msaying.Isaidittoyouinsidetherestaurant.We’redone.”

Histoplipliftsatthecornerintoasnarl “Aftersixyearstogether?”

“Two,”Icorrect,reachingforwardtotakehishand.“I’msorryyou’reupset.Itwasnevermyintention.Butthisisover now We’redone”

“Why,though?Iknowyoubetterthananyoneeverwill,andIstillstuckaround.” “Zach,youdon’treallyknowme.”

“Yes,Ido,”heargues.

“Thenwhydidyoucancelmyplanswithmyfamily?”Idemand.

“Becauseit’souranniversary”

“No,it’smybirthday.You’veknownmealongtimeandyouknowmybirthdayisspecialtomyparents.Iwasapremature baby,andmymumanddadcouldhavelostme Butbesidesthat,youshouldknownoonewillevercomebeforethem”

“Notnoone.Youmeanme.Yourmumlikesme,soit’syourdadwhohasputyouuptothis.Thishascomeoutof nowhere,”hecomments,hiseyesnarrowingonHayden.“AndIbetitwasyouwhoturnedhimagainstme.”

“Igaveyousomanysigns,Zach,somanythatthiswasn’tworkingandtogiveyouachancetofixthings.”

“Andyoulostherdad’srespectwhenyoupurposelymadeherlateforcurfew,”Haydensuppliesinabittertone.

Hegazesatme,hisexpressionscrunchedupinaplea “Pleasedon’tdothis”

“I’msorry,Zach,Itrulyam,butI’msureaboutthis.FromthemomentIsaidIwasdoneinthere,aweighthasbeenlifted. I’veputsomuchpressureonmyselftomakethiswork,tofeelwhatyoufeel,butit’stoomuch Icareforyou,Zach Youare oneofmyclosestfriends.ButIcan’tbeinarelationshipwithyouanymore.”

“There’ssomeoneelse,isn’tthere?”

Iletgoofhishand,hurtbytheaccusation “What?” “It’sfuckinghim,isn’tit?”

Myeyeswidenattheaggressioninhistone “Who?”

“Thatcriminal.Theonewhoisalwayssniffingaroundyou.”

Haydencoughsintoherfist “HemeansBen” “Benisn’tacriminal,”Irespondinhisdefence.

Zachlaughs.“Yeah,heis.You’resuchafool.He’shadthewoolpulledoveryoureyesforyearsnow.” “Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“He’sathief.Hegotcaughtandhadtopayforhismistakes,soheworkedforyourdad.”

“Hasanyonetoldyourecentlythatyou’readick,”Haydenspitsout,pullingmeclosertoherside “Whatdoyouknow?”Iaskher,sinceshedoesn’tseemassurprisedasIdo. Haydensqueezesmyarm “Yourdad’scarwasstolenandBenwasfoundbythepolicewithit Butit’snotwhatyouthink Hehadnochoice.”

Zachlaughsharder.“Don’tmakeexcusesforhim.Nooneisforcedtodoanything.” “Hewastryingtosavehisbrotherfromagangthatwasforcinghimtodoillegalshit Hewasonlytwelve,andwhenhe refusedtodowhattheyasked,theythreatenedhissiblings.Again,hewastwelveandscaredoutofhisfuckingmind.Ifyouask me,Benshouldhavebeenrewardedforbeingsofuckingnoble”

Iwavemyhandbetweenthem,shakingmyhead.MyheartbreaksforLucca.He’sakindsoulandfunnyashell.Icanonly imaginewhatthatdidtohim.“Itdoesn’tmatterwhatBendidyearsago.Thishasnothingtodowithhim.I’mnotseeinghimor anyone.”

“Youexpectmetobelievethat?Youjusthappenedtobreakupwithmefornoreason.”

“Oh,forfuck’ssake,”Haydenbarks.“She’salwaysbeentoogoodforyou.Ifyouaskme,she’sasaintforputtingupwith yourself-obsessedarsealltheseyears.Tenminuteswithyouwouldmakemecommitmurder.”

“Wouldn’tbethefirsttime,”heretortssharply “Begratefulshe’sofferingyoufriendshipbecauseI’donlygiveyouachoiceofwhereyouwantmetostabyou.Youareso self-absorbedyoudon’tevenrealisesheisn’trespondingtoyouduringaconversation Youdon’tseeitwhenherfacefalls intoasadpoutbecauseyou’vespokenoverher.Younevernoticewhenshe’shadherhairdone.Andyou’veneveronce cottonedontothefactshedoesn’tloveyouback Ifyouaskme,yougotamiraclewhenitcomestoher,becauseifyouwere anyoneelse,shewouldhaveburiedyoualongtimeago.”

“Well,it’sagoodjobnooneisaskingyou,”hearguesbeforeturningtome.“Comebacktomine.Wecantalkaboutthisin private ”

“There’snothinglefttotalkabout,”Itellhim,sadnesspouringintomyheart.“AndIhavetogotothehospital.Thecall yourefusedtoletmetake thatwasmymumaskingmetogotothehospital” Hestepsback,placinghishandsbehindhisneck.“Ididn’tknow.”

“Becauseyouneverasked Now,I’mdonehere,”Itellhim ItakeHayden’shand “Takemetothehospital” HecallsmynamebutIignorehim,steelingmyspinesohispleasdon’tcrushmysoulanymorethantheyalreadyhave.

Everyinchofmybodyaches.Sweatbeadsatmytemples,runningdownthesidesofmyfaceasItrytoshiftintoacomfier position

WhenItookthejobprotectingafamilyofthreefromaserialkiller whohappenedtobethetwinbrotherofthemanI wasprotecting Ididn’tthinkitwouldenduplikethis Ididn’tassumeitwouldbeaneasyassignment,butIneverimaginedI wouldendupinhospitalwithasevereconcussion,recoveringfromastabwound.I’velostsomuchblood,I’mluckytobe alive

ButIwoulddoitallagain.I’veonlyknownthecoupleandtheirdaughterforashortamountoftime,butduringthattime, I’vegrownclosetothem.They’regoodpeople,andhavehugehearts.

Theonegoodthingtocomeoutofthisisthattheserialkillerisnowbackbehindbars Allofhisvictims’familieswill finallyhaveclosure,andnooneelseheplannedtotargetwillbehurt.

Thesweetnursewhohasbeencomingintocheckmybandagesandvitals,cluckshertongue Herblondehairisswept backintoatightbunnearthenapeofherneck.Shehaskindeyesandasweetsmile.She’snotasyoungastheothernurses, whichIprefer Thefirstnursetoattendtomeseemedunprofessionalandshouldn’thavebeeninhere Sheaskedabunchof questionsshehadnorighttoask,andflirtedtothepointIhadsecond-handembarrassment.Iwasgladwhenshegotremoved fromtheroom.Itgavemeachancetofinallyrelaxandletmyguarddown.

“Itoldyoutostopmovingbeforeyoupullastitch,”thenursesoftlyscolds “Sorry.”Igrimace.“It’suncomfortable.”

Shegrabsapillowfromthechair,bringingitovertoplacebehindme Shegivesitafewtapstofluffitupbeforestepping back.“Isthatbetter?”

Itestit,andsighwithgratefulness.“Thankyou.”

“Youhavealotofvisitors.Areyousureyoudon’twantmetoletsomecomeinandseeyou’reokay?”

“Mymotherworries.She’llbethereasonIpopmystitches,”Itease,wincingatthethrobbinginmyside.“She’sseenI’m okay”

“Whydon’tyoureallywantthemtocomeinandseeyou?”

Isigh,meetingthekindwoman’seyes “BecauseIcan’ttakethepainIseeinhereyeswhenshelooksatmeinthis condition.Shelostmydadtoaknifeattack.Theyownedarestauranttogether,andonenight,shedidn’tcomehomeontime.He wenttocheckonherandfoundthreemenrobbingthecashregisters.Oneofthemhadaknifetomymum’sneck,andhetriedto helpher.Hegotstabbedanddiedinherarmsbeforetheparamedicsarrived.”

Sheleansonthebednexttomyfeet.“I’msosorryaboutyourdad.”

“Itwasalongtimeago”

“Still,letmegogetthem.They’reworried,andthelasttimeIlooked,Ithinkshehadyoursiblingswithher.”

Idon’tknowwhyIpictureImogen,butIdo,andIhavetoask:“Isthereagirlwithauburnhairwiththem?Shehashazel eyes,andwillhaveridiculouslyhighheelson.”

“There’samanwithhiswife,daughterandsonoutthere.Themanhasn’tleftbutthewifeandchildrencamebackthis morningandhavebeensittingoutthereallday,waitingfornews”

IthastobeImogen.

Ibowmyhead,glancingatmylap Imadealotofmistakesovertheyears,butsheismyonlyregret RegretthatInever gavein.RegretthatIdidn’ttellherhowIfeel.Andregretforbeingunabletostayaway,evenwhenIknowIshould.

WhenIwaslyinginthepantry,bleedingprofusely,IthoughtofImogen She’stheonlypersonwhohasevermadeacrack inthewallsI’veputup,andtheonlywomanI’veeverlikedwhohasbeenuntouchable.Forsomanyreasons.

ButitwasherIwantedtoseebeforeIdied.ItwashervoiceIwantedtohear.AndIwantedhertouch,tomakemeforget aboutthepain,andwhatIthoughtwastocome Death.

“YoucantellthemtogohomeandthatI’mfine,”Itellthenurse

“Whyareyoupunishingyourself?Youhavepeopleouttherewhowanttocomeinandcheckonyou.Theyclearlycarea lotaboutyou”

Ican’tmeethergaze.“BecauseIletmybossdown.Ican’tfacethatjustyet.Iletthemalldown.”

“Howdidyoulethimdown?”sheasks,gettingtoherfeettocheckthedrip.

“BecausethepeopleIwasprotectinggothurt Ifitwasn’tforhercrazy-arsefriends,we’dmostlikelyallbedeadright now.”

“Hey,whatyoudidforthatfamilywasheroic Thenursestalk,andfromwhattheyhavesaid,thefamilyyousavedareso gratefultoyou,andtheyfeelawfulyougothurt.”

There’saknockonthedoortotheprivateroomI’min.IglanceupasColeandEmilystepinside.Bothlooklikethey’ve beeninacarwreck.Bruisescovereveryinchoftheirskin,andColelookslikehe’sbeenintheringwithRiverKnight.

Ifinallyclosemylipsfromtheshockofseeingthemsosoon

Emilytucksherblondehairbehindherearastearsfalldownhercheeks.“I’msosorryyougothurt,”shedeclares,moving closertothebed

Coleclearshisthroat,hisAdam’sapplebobbing.“Man,whatyoudidforme…I’msofuckinggrateful.”

“Ididn’tdoanything,”Ichokeout,mythroatsuddenlydry

ColewalkstoEmily’sside,nexttothebed.“Yes,youdid.Thatknifewasforme.Notyou.Ifyouhadn’tpushedmeaside whenyoudid,hewouldhaveguttedmethereandthenoutofanger.Yougavemetime.”

“Yougave us time,”Emilywhispers “Iknowitwasn’ttheplan,butitstillhelpedeverythingfallintoplace”

“Howdidyourfriendscapturehim?Thepolicesaidhisanklesandwristsweretied,andhewaslayingonhisfrontwhen theyarrived”

Emily’scheeksflushassheglancesaway.“Itdoesn’tmatter.Whatmattersisthatyou’reokayandwe’resogratefulto you”

“Iknowmoneyisn’tgoingtochangeanythingthathappened,soIdidsomethingthatwouldmeanmoretoyou.Ihavepaid offthedebtforyourmother’srestaurant.Theentirebuildingnowbelongstoyouandyourfamily.”

Myjawdrops “Cole,wecan’tacceptthat”

Sincetheeconomyhasgonetoshit,therehavebeenpropertyownerswhohaveabuseditandprofitedbyincreasingtheir costs Mymumwasbehindontherentbecausehermortgageratewentup Withfivechildrentosupport,andwiththerestaurant closedforrepairs,shebegantostruggle.Whathe’sdonehassavedourfamily.Ourlivelihoodwillberestored.Butmostly,my mumwillgettokeeptheoneplaceshefeelsthemostconnectedtomydad.

“Well,it’sdone.AndevenifIlistentoyou,Idon’tthinkthey’llapprovearefund.Wewanttodothis.”

“ButIwasdoingmyjob,”Iargue.“Andnotdoingitwell,sothisisunnecessary.”

“Iwasgoingtodothisbeforeyougotstabbed Youresearchedme,soyouknowwhatcompaniesIownandwhyIown them,”Colebegins.“Iresearchedyoutoo,andIfoundoutthatyourmumcooksforthehomelessandhiresschoolkidsto deliverfoodpackageseachnight It’soneofthereasonsshewasgoingoutofbusiness” Itis.She’llneverstopcookingforthem.Evenbeforetheyhadtherestaurant,shewouldbeinherkitchen,cookingup mealsforthoseinneed.Shedoesitforlowincomefamilieswhosheknowsarestruggling.

“We’vealsosetupacharitysoyourmumwillnolongerbetheonepayingforthefood.Andwithherhelp,wewillget otherbusinesseswithgoodresourcesandwithahighnumberofhomelessnessintheirareatojoin.”

“Thankyou,”Ibreatheout “Shewillnodoubtinviteyoutoeatatherrestaurant”

EmilysmilesupatCole,leaningintohim.“She’sofferedtocookforourwedding.”

Myeyeswiden “You’regettingmarried?”

Takinghisfiancée’shand,Colenods.“Weare.”

“Congratulations.”

Thedoorknocksagainstthewallasthestormofmymotherenterstheroom “Mio figlio,youworryyourmother,”she declaresloudly.

Emilyleanscloser,squeezingmyhand “Wewillcomeandseeyouwhenyou’rebackhome Thankyouagainfor everythingyoudidforus.”

“Everything,”Coleinsists

“You’rewelcome.Andthankyouforwhatyou’vedone.”

Whentheyleave,thenursefollowingafterthem,Iletoutatiredbreathandturntomymother.Sheisinherfiftiesyetstill managestolookinherfortiesandhastheenergyofatoddler Herblackhairispinnedupatthenapeofherneck,andshe’s wearingthenecklacemydadgavetoher,whichsheattachedhisweddingringto.Herthick,darkeyebrowsriseasshestaresat me Allmysistersandyoungerbrothertakeaftermymum Theyhaveherdarkeyesanddarkhair,whereasItakeaftermydad Ihavehiseyesandhiscolourhair.

“I’msorry, Mamma Iwasresting”

“You’reforgiven, mio figlio.Yoursisterswillbehereshortly.TheypickedupLuccafromfootballforme.”

“YouletStefaniadrive?”

Stefaniaistheoldestfemalesibling,andalthoughshewasblessedwithbrains,drivingisanimpossiblemissionforher SometimesIwonderifshepassedhertestbecauseofherbeauty,becausethegirlhashadmoreminorincidentsthananyone I’veeverknown

“Ofcoursenot.Howthatgirlpassedhertestisbeyondme.IletCarinadrive,”sheexplains. Myeyeswiden.Carinaisn’tabaddriver,butherattentionspanisshockinglyalotliketheDisneyfishcalled Dory.

“YouwouldhavebeenbetterlettingIsabelladrive.She’smoreresponsible,”Ipointout.

“Thatgirlcan’ttakehereyesoffherphone,”sheremarks.“Soon,yourbrotherwillpasshistest,andhecandrive

himself.”

“Mamma,”Ichuckle,grimacingatthepainwhenitpullsthestitchestaut.“Ouch.”

“Mio figlio,I’mgoingtosetupabedathomeforyou,”shewhispers,herwordsbroken Thepaininhereyeshurtsmorethanmyinjuries.“Mum,Ihaveahome.”

“Youhaveaflat There’sadifference,”sheargues “Howwillyougetaround?”

“It’sallonthesamelevel, Mamma.I’llstrugglemorewithyoubygoingupanddownthestairstogotothebathroom.I’ll beokay I’mnotleavingforanothercoupleofdaysyet,sowe’regood”

Shetakesadeepbreath.“ThenIhaveacoupleofdaystochangeyourmind.”

“Youwon’tbutyou’rewelcometotry.”

Shefixestheblanketatmywaist “Youarestubbornlikeyour papà ”

“That’snotabadthing,”Ipointout.

Herheadlowers,hergazeontheblanket,wheremyinjurieshidebeneathit “Youscaredme,Benjamin” “Ididn’tmeanto.Ipromise.”

Sheplacesherhandsonherlap,forcingasmile “Our amato Imogenisoutside Haveyouseenher?”

IsmileatherendearmentofcallingImogenourbeloved.MumhasalwayslovedImogen.TherearetimeswhenIthinkshe likeshermorethanme.

“AreEvanandKennedywithher?”

“Yes,andJoshuajustarrived.Evanreallywantstoseeyou.”

“WillyougoandlethimknowIwishtoseehim,please?Thenursesaidhehasbeentheresincetheybroughtmein” “Hehas.Heworriestoo,myson.Ithinkhefeelsguilty.”

“Hehasnoreasonto,”Iassureher.

Shegetsup,butbeforesheleaves,sheleansoverandpressesherlipstomyforehead.“I’llgoletthemknow,andthenI’ll goandmeetyoursiblingsattheentrance.”

“Thankyou, Mamma,”Irespond Ileanbackwhensheleaves,mymindcloudedwiththoughts.Evanwillneverreplacemyfather,butthereisnodenyinghe hasbecomeafatherfigureinmylife HehasbeensomeoneI’velookedupto,andisthepersonIowemylifeto Hesavedme fromaprisonsentence.Droppingthetheftchargeswasn’tenoughforthepoliceastheydidn’tbelieveIwasn’tassociatedwith thegang.Evandidbelieveme,andtooktimetogatherevidencetoprovemystatement.Thankstohim,Ihavenocriminal record,andmyaffiliationtothegangwaserased,sinceIhadonlybeendoingittosavemybrother.Itwasmybrotherwho stolethecar.ItwasamiracleIevencaughtuptohim,consideringIwasonmybike.Buthewasalsoatwelve-year-oldwho hadn’tdrivenbefore Hewasamess,sobbingthattheymadehimdoit,andhedidn’tknowwhattodo

Iwillneverforgetthatmoment.Hehadbeensoscared,soIhadtosavehim.SoassoonasIsawtheflashingbluelights,I threwhimoutofthecar,orderedhimtorunhometoMum,anddroveaway IdroveafewstreetsawayfromwhereIlefthim, knowinghewouldn’tbeabletocatchupwithmeinthestatehewasin.Iparkedandwaitedforthepolicetofindme.

Evansawthroughallofthat.Iowehimeverythingbecausethepolicemanthatarrestedmehaditoutforthegang and rightlyso Theytriedtomughiswifeintown,butsheputupafight Agroupofthemattackedher,andherinjuriesweresevere enoughthatshedidn’tmakeitofftheground.

Thedooropens,andEvanholdsitopenforhiswife Kennedy “Hey,”Igreet “Sweetheart,howareyoufeeling?”Kennedyaskssoftly,movingovertothesideofmybed.

“I’vebeenbetter,”Iadmit “Kid,youhadmeworried,”Evandeclares,hisjawclenching. Iarchabrow.“Ididn’tmeanto.”

“I’msosorry,kid Ishouldhavetakenthejobknowinghowdangerousitwas,”hereplies,squeezingmycalf “Youcan’tprotecteveryone,”Ipointout.“Thisismyjob,andIthinkI’mgoodatit.” “Youexcelinit,”herespondsearnestly “Thenyouknowit’saresponsibilitywealltakeon.Youcan’tsaveusfromthat.I’mjustsorryIletyoudown.Ithought ourplanwassolid”

“Itwassolid.Nooneexpectedhimtogetintothehome.” Igrimaceatthereminder.Icheckedthesecuritymyself.“DoyouknowhowCyrusgotin?” “Hecutthewires,”heexplains “Butthey’reunderthedirt.”

“Heknewwheretodig It’swhynoneofyouknew Allthesensorshadbeendisarmed”

“It’samiracletheyareallokay,”Imurmur,lostinmythoughtsforaminute.“Theyhavealittlegirl.Aftertheyhadthe fightatthelodge,ItriedtalkingColeintobeinghonestwithEmilysoherandPoppycouldgobackhome.Inearlygotalittle girlkilled,”Ichokeout,therealissuefinallysurfacing.It’swhyIdon’tdeservetotakeCole’sthankyoupresent.Icouldhave beenresponsibleforhimlosingthetwomostimportantpeopletohim.“Ifhehadlistenedtome,iftheyhadmovedback,she

wouldhavebeenkilledandthebloodwouldhavebeenonmyhands.”

“Hey,no,no,no,”Evanstresses.“Youcan’tthinklikethat.Youjustcan’t.Itwilleatatyou.”

Kennedytakesmyhand “Itwill” Ihatethathe’sseeingmesoweak.Iwipeawayatear,frustratedwithmyself.“HowcanInot?Fuck,noneofthisshould havehappened”

“Iknowawomanwhowasoncecaringforababy,”Kennedybegins,hereyesclosing,butitdoesn’tmaskherpainquick enough “Babe,”Evansoftlyresponds.

Pullingherselftogether,shecontinues.“Thebabywaskidnappedinhercare.Unspeakablethingswereplannedforthe baby,thingsnooneshouldevergothrough Bothsheandtheparentsblamedthemselvesforthatbabygoingmissing,even thoughitwasoutoftheircontrol.It’snotsomethingyouevermovepastorforget.Buttheyweren’ttoblameandneitherare you Youdidn’tputthatlittlegirlindanger Youdidn’t,Ben Yousavedherfromlosingtwoparents”

Iwanttoknowwhothebabywasandwhyit’saffectedthemboththismuch,butsomethingtellsmeifIasked,itwould bringupmemoriestheydon’twantsurfacing

Evanclearshisthroatashewrapshisarmaroundhiswife.“Lookatitthisway,kid.IfColehadlistenedtoyouand broughthisfamilyhome,doyouthinkhewouldhavemadethemstayhomealonewhilstyouwereattheclub?”

Nowhe’sputitlikethat,no,Colewouldn’thave Iwouldn’thave “No”

“Noneofwhathappenedisyourfault.Ifyouaskme,whathappenedwasthebestoutcomeconsideringwhoyouwere dealingwith”

“I’mjustgladit’soverforthem,”Ianswer,unabletocovermyyawn. Kennedy’sforeheadcreasesinconcern.“Weshouldletyousleep.” MygazefallsonEvan.“Youlooklikeyouneedsleep.”

Hechuckles.“Youtooktenyearsoffmylife.”

“MumsaidImogenandJoshareoutside,”Icomment,knowingthere’snotreallyaquestionthere “Theyare.Theywantedtocomeinandseeyou,butthenursesaidonlytwovisitors.We’llcomebackuptomorrowand seeyou,”Kennedypromises “Getsomerest,”Evanorders.

“Wait,whencanIcomebacktowork?”

Hegiveshiswifea‘whatdidItellyou’lookbeforemeetingmygaze.“NotuntilaftertheNewYear.ButIexpectyoutobe attheNewYear’sparty.”

“I’llbethere,”Ipromise “ButIdon’tthinkIcangothatlongwithoutwork”

“You’vejusthadmajorsurgery.Andyoualreadyknowyou’llgetpaidlikenormal,”heremarks. “Thenletmecomeinandcatchuponpaperwork,”Iplead “I’lllosemymindbeingstuckathome” “ThenI’lldoyouadeal.Youtaketherestofthemonthofftogetbetter,andyoucancomebackonthefirstofDecember. YouknowDecemberisaslowmonthforus,soyou’llonlybedoingpaperworkanyway.”

Iletoutabreathofrelief “Thankyou,Evan Thankyou” “Noproblem.Butinthemeantime,youneedtoconcentrateonhealingandgettingbackonyourfeet.”

Inodinagreement “Iwill Iswear”

Kennedyleansover,pressingherlipstomyforehead.“Getbetter,sweetheart.”

Evantakesmyhand,hishandshakenotasfirmasitnormallyis “Wewillcomebyandseeyoutomorrow” Inod,mythroattighteningattheconcernstillinhiseyes.“Okay.”

Whentheyleave,Istareatthedoor,hopingthatjustmaybeImogenwillcomeinandsayhello.Butwhenanotherfive minutespass,Iknowsheleftwithherparents Whichisprobablyforthebest Sheisstilloff-limits,nomatterhowtemptingsheis.

Oneweeklater

Theofficeisbustlingwithactivity,everyoneexcitedforthelaunchthatishappeningaftertheNewYear.Thereareonlya selectfewofuswhohaveaccesstothedata,andI’moneofthem.

Inthetinycornerofficetheyassignedme,I’mhiddenawayfrompryingeyes WhichissomethingI’mgratefulforduring thismoment.Idon’twantanyoneseeingmepracticallypullingmyhairout.DuetotheMondayItookofflastweek,mywork loadhasgonetoshit MoreworkpileduponmydeskinmyabsencebecauseIwasn’theretosayIcouldn’tfititin AndI don’twanttoletmybossdownbyreturningittothecolleaguesitbelongsto.Hemightseemeasdifficultorunableto delegate.Idon’twanthimtothinkhemadeamistakeinhiringme.

TheunsettlingfeelingI’vehadinthepitofmystomachsinceIfoundoutaboutBenhasn’thelped It’sallI’vebeenableto focuson.Ionlygottosneakintohisroomforashorttime.Andtherehewas,bruisedandpaleinhisbed,unbeknownsttomy presence HewasBen,buthewasn’t Forthoseshortmoments,hewasjustashellofthemanIknew Anditbrokeme.

Henearlydied,andwasstillcriticalbythatpoint,soIdidtheonlythingIcouldthinkof Itookhishandandcried, pleadingwiththeuniversetosavehim.

I’vealwaysknownmydad’slineofworkcouldbedangerous.Asidefromthesecuritytheyprovidetoprotectclientsfrom outsideevil,theycanalsobeindangerdoingbasicsurveillanceorinvestigation Harris mydad’sfriendandbusinesspartner wasinvestigatingaspouseofaclientwhowasstringingouttheirdivorce.Heuncoveredmorethanhebargainedfor,andthe spouse,thinkinghegottoHarrisbeforetheinformationwasshared,cutthebreakstohiscar Harrishadbeenluckytosurvive thecrashandthespousehadbeenluckynootherciviliansintheaccidenthaddied.

Growingup,theyweresuperheroestome Nothingcouldtouchthem ButsinceBen,it’smademerealisehoweasyit couldbetoloseDadandthosewhoworkforhimthathavebecomefamily.Andit’salossI’dneverrecoverfrom.

LarryCarpenter,mybossandtheCEOofCastleandGames,stepsintomyoffice,asmileplasteredonhisface.Heisthe manIassist,andhisofficesitsbesidemine Thisvisitisn’tasurprise HecomesinonceaweektoaskmeifI’msettlingin

“Imogen,Ihopeyouaresettlinginokay,”hegreets,keepingtohispatternofquestioning.

I’vebeeninthejobforclosetoamonthnow,andI’velovedeverysecondofit “Iam I’msorryIhaven’tgottenchanceto sendthelaunchinvitationsoutyet.IwaswonderingiftherewasanywayIcouldtakethelisthomewithmeandsendthem tonight.”

“Youknowthepolicy,”hetellsme,likeI’mworryinghim.

“Iknow.IthoughtitwasworthamentionasIwouldn’thavedoneitfromaworkcomputerbutmyown.”

“IappreciateyourdedicationbutI’msorry ThisissomethingIcan’tallow”

“That’sokay.I’lldoitfirstthingwhenIcomeintomorrowmorning,”Ireply,forcingasmile.

“Ifthepaceistoomuchforyou,Icanhaveoneoftheotherstakesomeofyourworkload,”heoffers,butIcantellbyhis tonethathewon’tbehappyaboutit.He’llprobablygivemeastrikeforit.

You mean return it.Iwasn’ttheothers’assistant.IwasLarry’s.Yetallofthempiledworkontomydesk,expectingmeto completeit,usingthefakeexplanationthatitwasforLarry.

Andthismorningwasspentplayingthedemo,searchingforanyerrorsorloopholesinthecontent.Igotsoengrossedin Sanctuary:TheLastMan,Icompletelylosttrackoftime

“No,I’vegotit.Ijustwantedtofreeupsometimetocompilealistforpotentialdemocandidates.Iknowthisis somethingyoudon’tdo,butIreallythinkthenewreleasecouldbenefitfromit,”Ibegin,andcontinuewhenhedoesn’tshutme down.“Thisnewgame,intherighthands,couldsoaryourlaunch.Thegamingcommunityisacompetitiveworld,butI’ve playedthedemo,andIcantellyou,ifthishitstherightgaminginfluencers’handsbeforethelaunchdate,itwillsellitself.You couldcutthemarketingbudgetbyhalfanduseittopromotetheextrasyouhaveplannedtoaddinayearafterrelease”

Hetakesaseatinfrontofme,straighteninghisjacketandtie.“Youreallythinkthatwouldwork?”

Inod,excitementbubblinginmychest Findingnewwaystomarketandpromoteisadreamofmine “Ido I’vetakenit uponmyselftodrawupsomeplansforyou.Inrecentstudies,ithasbeenproventhatthosewhoreleasewithoutademotank theirreleasewithinthefirstmonthorsufferalossofhalfofthesalesprediction Ican’tspeakforthosegamesingeneralasI haven’tplayedthempersonally,soIcan’ttellyouifitwasthegameitself,orwhetheritwasthemarketingstrategy.Thatsaid, thesamepatternkepthappeningoverthepastfewyears.Influencersarenowthemarket,andtheysellthirtypercentmore productsthanadsdo”IhandhimthepamphletIputtogether “Readthroughthepamphletandletmeknowwhatyouthink I haveinfluencersinmind.Thatcommunityishuge,butI’mpositiveIcangetthegametotherightaudience.”

“Iappreciateyougoingtothismuchtrouble”

RememberingeverythingIlearnedinuniversity,Ispeakup,usingasoftertone.“Itwasactuallyyouwhogavemetheidea

duringMonday’smorningmeeting.Youmentionedreachingtherightaudience,soIlookedthroughyourarchivesandfound yourfirstsoftwarerelease.Yournumbershitarecord-breakingpercentage,andInoticedyousentoutdemostoovertwentythousandcandidatesallovertheworld”

“Outofcuriosity,doyouthinkourmarketingstrategyiswrong?”

“Farfromit Yourproductshavesoldthemselves,earningprofitswellabovemarketpredictions Butyouhavenever releasedagamelikethisbefore.Thisisn’tanupdateoncoexistinggames.It’snew,andtherearemanymoreouttherethat marketthesameasthisone Youjustneedtoreachtheaudiencewhowillpromotethatit’sbetterandbigger Youwantitto standout.Youdon’tjustwanttoreacholdergenerations.Mostwomenandmenabovethirtyhavefull-timejobsorafamilyto providefor.Thisneedstoreachtheyoungergenerationtoo.Agenerationofgamerswhoplayforaliving.Ialreadyhave twentyinmindbecauseInotonlyplaywiththem,butIknowtheydolivestreams,teachingothersthetricksandthetrades TheyuncovertheEastereggsthat,quitefrankly,mostgamerslookpast.Theyaretheonesyouwantpromotingthisgame,”I admit,shrugging,likeit’snobigdeal “I’veplayedthisgame,andI’mnotjustsayingthisbecauseIworkhere,butit’s incredible.It’sdifferenttoanycombatgameI’veplayedbefore,andIdon’tthinkthecurrentmarketingplanwillfulfilits potentialtoexpressthat I’mworrieditwilltakemonthsbeforeweseethesaleswearehopingfor”

“You’vemadegoodpoints,Imogen.ContinuecompilingthatlistandIwillhaveaseriousthinkaboutit.”

“That’sallIcanaskfor.Thisisn’tsomethingyouneedtodo,butIwouldn’tbethepersonyouhiredifIdidn’tmentionit.I reallywantthisgametosucceed,soifyousayno,Iwillthinkofotherwaystohelpmarketthis”

“No,it’snicetoseeatalentedyoungwomanlikeyourselfusingtheirinitiative.I’vebeentooconsumedwithkeepingit fromourcompetitors IguessIlostsightofthemarketing”

“Everyoneherelovesworkingforyou,MrCarpenter.Nooneherewoulddreamofleakingallyourhardwork.”AndI meanit.IwassurprisedbytheatmospherewhenIfirststarted.Itdidn’tfeellikework,itfeltlikeafamily.

Heletsoutabreath.“You’dbesurprisedbythenumberofpeoplewhowouldleakthesoftwareforabigpayday.It’s happenedtousbefore,whichiswhywearebeingextracautiousthistime.”

“No,Iunderstand,sir,”Irespond,andglanceattheworkonmydesk,wonderinghowIwillgetthisdoneintime “Isthere somethingelseyouwouldliketotalkabout?”

“OnMonday,youmentionedyourfriendwashurt,whichiswhyyouneededthetimeoff” “Hewas.Heworksformydadsohe’spracticallyfamily.Youprobablyreadaboutitinthenewspaperorsawitonthe news.Hewasprotectingafamilyfromaserialkiller.”

Hiseyeswiden.“TheNightStalkerKiller,whohappenedtobethetwinbrotherofrenownedbusinessmanColeConnor?” “Theveryone.Thekiller,Cyrus,stabbedBenandknockedhimunconscious.Mydadwasbesidehimselfwhenhegotthe news Benisn’tjusthisemployee He’slikeasontohim He’sfamilytous,soitwashardonusall,soI’msoverygratefulfor yourunderstanding,andforgivingmethattimeoffsoearlyoninmyjob.Theyneededme.”

“I’msosorryaboutyourfriend Lauramentionedyoutoldherhelikedacertaingame” “Yes,theZombieApocalypseGroundZerogame.”

Hepullsoutaplasticcasewiththegamecoveron.“Hereisthenewversionofthegame.ItreleasesChristmas,butI thoughtyourfriendmightliketoplayitwhilstherecuperates HadIknownwhohewas,andwhathedid,Iwouldhaveputa baskettogetherfromthevault.”

Itakethegamefromhishands,myeyeswidening Becauseit’snotonlyBenwholovesthisgame Ido AndI’vebeen waitingforthepre-ordertobecomeavailablebeforepurchasingit.Thevaultiswheretheystoreabunchofmerchandisefrom previousreleasesornewreleases ThereareevensomeunreleasedproductsdowntherethatInearlyfaintedover Asagamer, itwasanoverwhelmingexperiencetoseeit.

“Sir,Idon’tknowwhattosay.Thisisseriouslycoolofyou,”Ideclare,forgettingwhereIamforaminute.

“You’rewelcome,”hereplies,smilingatmywide-eyedgaze “I’llletyoufinishup,andI’llseeyoutomorrow”

Hestands,andIfollow,reachingovertoshakehishand.“Thankyou.AndI’llhavethatinformationonyourdeskby morning”

“Lookingforwardtoreadingit.”

Oncehereachesthedoor,Icallouthisname Hestops,waitingformetocontinue “Ireallyappreciatetheopportunityyou havegivenme.AndIpromiseyouwillneverregrethiringme.”

“Goodtohear.Youhaveagooddaynow.”

Thedayiscomingtoanendandmybackisscreamingwithjoy.BeingsatforhoursatatimeissomethingIshouldbeused to,beingagamerandall,butthisfeelsdifferent.Ineedamassageafterthisweekisover.

Aknockonthedoordistractsmefromfinishingmyemail.“Comein,”Icallout.

George,whostartedworkingherethesamedayasme,stepsinsidemyoffice.Heworksonthefrontdeskofthisfloor,but

hishopesaretoonedayworkhiswayintocreatinggames.IpreferhimtoDaniel,thecolleaguewhoworksalongsidehim. Danielisaforce,andsostrictandfirmwhenitcomestohisposition.Hetakeseverythingsoseriously.

“Hey,youhaveavisitor,”hegreets Ilookup,takenabackatseeingZachstandingbehindhim.Nociviliansareallowedinsideatthemoment.“Thankyou, George”

Henods,steppingasidetoletZachthrough.Neitherofusacknowledgetheother,whichIthinkiswhatmakesGeorge hesitatetoleave “Hey,myshiftendssoon Didyouwantmetowaithereandwe’llwalkouttogether?Wecantalkaboutour nextcharacterchallenge.”

He’stalkingaboutanewishvirtualrealitygamethatwentviralshortlyafterrelease.Whenwegottalkingduringourtime togetherinthewaitingroom,itgotbroughtup Weexchangedusertagsandhavebeenplayingtogethereversince Butwe’ve alreadytalkedaboutournextconquest,whichmeanshe’ssecretlyaskingmeifI’mokaytobealone.Whichisn’tsurprising sincethetensionintheroomissuffocating “No,yougoonahead.Iwon’tbelong.”

Whenthedoorclicksclosed,IglanceatZach “Youaren’tsupposedtobehere Thecompanydoesn’twantoutsiderson themainfloorduetodataprotection.”

Heholdshishandsup.“I’mnotheretofightwithyou,”heexplains,takingaseat.“IthoughtI’dcomeandseeifIcantake yououtfordinner Youwalkedoutonthelastoneandruinedit,soIthoughtI’dgiveusanotherchance”

“Zach,we’reover,andIthinkforthetimebeing,weshouldkeepourdistancefromeachother.”

“We’vebeenfriendsforyears,Imogen Youcan’treallymeanthat Couplesfight It’swhatwedo UnlessIwasrightand thereissomeoneelse.”

“Youknowthat’snotthereason,”Itellhim,shakingmyhead.“Ithinkwearetwoverydifferentpeople.Andwhilstit mightworkforsome,itdoesn’tforus.You’vechangedalotsincewegottogether.Ihadneverknownyoutobeso judgemental.More,Ihatethewayyoutrytokeepmefrommyfamily.IbrusheditoffbecauseIneverlistenedorfellforit,but youcontinuedtotry”

“Isthisreallyaboutouranniversary?”

“No,itisn’taboutmybirthday It’saboutthetimeIwouldn’tgoonholidaywithyou YouknewIwentyearlywithmy familyandagainwithmycousins.Andagain,whenIwouldn’tgotoyoursforChristmas.Myfamilyinvitedyou,butitwas onlymechidedforsayingno.Didyousee me notspeakto you forhours?No.BecauseI’mnottwelve.AndIdon’tevenwant togetintoNewYearsEveormymum’sbirthday.”Whichhappenedtofallonhisbirthdaytoo.Iofferedtocompromise.I’d spendthemorningwithMum,thedaywithhim,andhavedinnerwiththefamily.Butno.Hecouldn’tgetoverthefactIwould choosethemoverhim

Heslapshishanddownonmydesk.“Forfuck’ssake,Imogen.Allthatispettyshit.Canyoublamemeforwantingto spendtimewiththewomanIlove?”

“Youdon’tloveme.Ifyoudid,youwouldn’thavegivenmeultimatumseverytimesomethingdidn’tgoyourway.”

“Ijustcan’tbelieveyouwantedthisoutoftheblue.”

“Listentome,Zach,”Iharshlyremark “Thiswasn’toutoftheblue Notforme” “There’ssomeoneelse.Therehastobe.”

“Zach,pleasedon’truinourfriendshipwithaccusationsthataren’ttrue Ithoughtyouknewmebetterthanthat Iwould neverdothattosomeoneandyouknowit.”

Herelaxesbackintohisseat “No,you’reright Thishasjustbeenalottoprocess Idon’tknowhowtobewithoutyou We’vebeentogetherforsolong.”

Hisclaimaboutthelengthofourrelationshipsoundssogenuine,likehetrulybelievesitorseesitlikethat.Andmaybe that’swhatlovelooksandsoundslike Buteverytimehe’smentionedit,ashiverhasslivereddownmyspine,andIgetthis urgetoremovemyselffromthesituation.ItmakesmequestionifIreallyknowhim.

ButthenIlookintohiseyes,andIseemyfriend Myharmlessfriend

“I’msorrythat’showyoufeel.Idon’twanttohurtyou,andyouaren’tgoingtochangemymind.”

“IguessI’mnot,”hereplies,loweringhishead

Someoneknocksonthedoor,andmyeyeswiden.Whatifit’sLarry?IfheseesZach,myjobherewillbecutshort.“Come in!”

Thedoorispushedopen,revealingLaura,carryingabasketfullofgoodies SheisthewomanwhoisinchargeofPR, conferences,andotherstuff.CastleandGamesgotluckybecausesheisthemostsoughtafterliaisoninherfield.Herfaceislit upwithabeautifulsmile,enhancingherhighcheekbones ShejerkstoastopwhensheseesZachsittingonthechairinfrontof mydesk.

“Sorrytobotheryou,butLarrywantedmetodropthisgiftbasketofftoyouforyourfriendwhowashurt.”

Istand,helpingherwiththebasketsinceitlooksheavy.“Thankyou,Laura.Hedidn’tneedtodothatbutit’sappreciated.” SheglancesatZachoncemore,conflicted.“Idon’twanttotalkoutofturn,butifMrCarpenterseeshiminhere,youwill

beintrouble.WithSanctuaryreleasinginafewmonths,theentirebuildingisonlockdown.”

“We’reactuallyjustleaving,”Iassureher,grabbingmythings.

“Yes I’msorrytohavebotheredheratwork,butitwasimportant,”Zachresponds “Okay,well,MrCarpenterwillbeleavingshortlysoI’llgoanddistracthimsoyoucanleave,”shetellsme.“I’llseeyou tomorrow”

“Thankyou,Laura,”Ireply,addingthegameLarrygavemeearlierintothebasket.

“Sorry,”Zachdeclaresassheleaves,leavingthedoorwideopen “Ididn’tmeantogetyouintotrouble” “It’sdonenow.Let’sgobeforeheseesyou.”

IstepoutoftheofficeasZachhisses.“Shit,Ileftmyphoneonyourdesk.”

Itapmyfootrestlessly,mygazefocusingonLarry’sofficedoor Ilovethisjob ItmightnothavebeenwhatIwas originallylookingfor,butIloveit.I’mgoodatit.

Afewsecondslater,hestepsout,holdinghisphoneup “Gotit”

“Closethedoor,please,”Ireply,andonceit’sdone,Iscanmycardoverthefob,lockingit.Ikeepitunlockedthroughout thedaybecauseofhowmanypeoplecomeandgofrommyoffice

Aswereachtheelevatorsontheothersideofthefloor,IprayZachdoesn’ttrytoinvitemetodinneragain.Whatwehad isover,andheneedstogetusedtothat.

Carinadropsaplateonmylap,andIhissoutabreathwhenitcatchesmystitches.

“Jesus,Carina I’mrecuperating,youknow”

“Oh,Iknow,”shesassesback,wavingawoodenspoonintheair.“Idon’tneedremindingofthat.”

Ifthefooddidn’tsmellsogood,Iwouldrefusetoeatit Butspaghettiputtanescaismyfavourite,andonlyCarinacan cooklikeMumcan.

Ishovelaforkfulintomymouthandletoutamoan I’veonlybeenallowedsoftfoodssinceIwokeupaftersurgery,and althoughMumhasbeencookingsouptomakeupfortheawfulhospitalfood,itfeelsgoodtofinallybebackeatingsomething withtexture.

WhenCarinabeginstobangaroundinthekitchen,puttingstuffinthewasher,Ifinallygivein She’sbeenactinglikethis sincetheveryfirstmomentshesawmeinhospital.Ifthiswasmymum,whoisfullItalian,therewouldbenotip-toeingaround it Mumwouldhavealreadygivenmeanhour-longlecture WhichIknowforafactbecauseit’sexactlywhatshedid

“Carina,justspititoutbeforeyougiveyourselfanulcer.Orgivemeone.”

IhearthewashertraygetpushedinsecondsbeforeIhearitclose Ikeepeating,waitingforhertojoinme Whenshe does,herexpressionisthunderous,hersoft,tanskinbrighteningatthecheeks.

“Youwanttoknowwhat’swrong?”

“Yes,”Ireply,scoopingmorefoodontomyfork Shit, this is good.

“I’lltellyouwhat’swrong Itoldyouworkingtherewasamistake Youdon’towehimanything,mostcertainlynotyour life.”

“IthoughtyoulikedEvan.”

“IloveEvanandhisfamily,”sherushesout,flickingherchestnut-colouredhairbehindherear.She’stheonlysibling, asidefromme,whodidn’tinheritourmum’sblackhair.Igotmydad’slight,sandyblondehair,andCarinaisinbetween.“But youstartedthereunderthebeliefthatyouhadto,Ben Andlookwhereit’sgotyou Iknowthisistheworstit’severbeenbut don’tthinkforasecondyouhidetheotherstuff.I’veseenthebruises,I’vereadabouttheclosecallsinthepapers,andIheard yournightmaresatthehospital Youneedtoquit”

Ifinishchewingmyfoodbeforeplacingtheplatetotheside,ontheportabletrayMumpurchasedforme.“Carina,you can’taskmetodothat.”

“Yes,Ican.I’myoursister,forGod’ssake.DoyouthinkitwasfungettingthatcallfromMumaboutyoubeinginhospital? BecauseIcantellyou,itbroughtmetomyknees,brother.Itwasn’tevenasurprisebecauseIlivewaitingforthatcall.Lucca issafenow Youdon’toweEvananything,andyouneverdid Anyoneinyoursituationwouldhavedonethesame”

“Hesavedmefromprison,”Itellher,watchinghereyeswiden.“MumandIdecidedtokeepitfromyou,butthat’swhat myfutureheld Thepolicesawmytattoos,theysawmewithMum,andlabelledmeathug Ididn’tseeawayoutandneither didmylawyer.IwasgoingtogotoprisonforgangrelatedcrimesandIwouldstillbethereifitwasn’tforEvan.Hebelieved me,andsawsomethingthosepolicemendidn’t.Hefoughtformyfreedomandwon.Soyes,Iowehim,butIdon’tworkthere becauseofthat HeshowedmethereisasafewaytogetjusticeandthatthereareloadsofpeopleouttherelikeLucca Like me.Theyneedhelp,Carina,andIprovidethat.”

Atearrollsdownhercheek

“Whenyouputitlikethat,howcanIargue?Whatyou’redoingisnoble,butatthesametime, stupid.Idon’twanttoloseyoulikewelostDad.Youmeantoomuchtous,andIdon’tthinkwe’llgetthroughthatgriefa secondtime Mumisthecentreofourworld,butyouarethegluethatkeepsustogether Thiswastoocloseacall,Ben Next time,youmightnotbesolucky.”

“Iwon’tsithereandpromiseyouanythingbecauseitwouldbealie.Idon’tknowwhatthefutureholds.ButIcanpromise youIwon’tbetakingonanymoreserialkillercases”

“Justplease…ifitgetstoomuch,oryouthinkthesituationisbecomingdangerous,askforhelp.Idon’twanttovisityou inthehospitalagain”

“Aww,youdocare,”Itease.

Sherollshereyes “No,theparkingiswaytooexpensive,dickhead Youowemeseventypounds”

“ThinkofitaspartiallypayingmebackthethreehundredIloanedyouforuniversity.”Itwasn’treallyforuniversityand webothknowit.She’lljustneveradmitit.

Shetiltsherheadtotheside,herforeheadcreasing “Ben,”shewhines Iholdupthreefingers.“Threeyearsago.”

“Arsehole”

Ichuckle,forgettingmystitchesforaminute.“Isthatwhyyou’vebeeninsuchafoulmood?”

“Yes.I’mmadatyouforgettinghurt.Youtoldmeitwasn’tdangerous.”

“BecauseIdidn’twantyoutoworryaboutme.”

“Weallworryaboutyou Mumworriesyoudon’teatenough,Stefaniaworriesaboutyoubeingalone,Iworryaboutyou gettingkilled,andIthinkLuccaworrieshe’llletyoudown.”

“Forstarters,Mumworriesabouteveryonenoteatingenough Stefaniajustwantstobeanauntbeforeshebecomesamum Yoursisvalidbutisnevergoingtohappen.AndLuccahasneverletmedown,”Iargue.“AndyoumissedBella.”

“Isabellamighthaveeveryonefooledwiththatphoneofhers,butIseeher Shepaysmoreattentionthanpeoplethink She doesn’tparticularlyworryaboutstuffbecauseshe’dratherfixorapproachaproblemthanstressoverit.”

“She’ssneakier.”

“Don’tIknowit,”Carinaretorts “Shesnuckoutthefirstnightyouwereinthehospital Iwentintoherroomtocheckon herandherbedwasempty.Idrovearoundforalittlebitwithnoluck,butasIgotbacktothehospitaltospeaktoMum,Isaw heroutsidewiththeboywholikesher”

“Youdidn’tdragherbackhome?”

“Nobecauseshewaswatchingoveryou HowcouldIreprimandherforthatwhenweallwantedtobetheretowatch overyou?”

“Iamsorryforputtingyouallthroughthis.”

Sheleansover,placingherhandovermine “Justpromiseme,ifyoueverneedtotalk,youwillcometooneofus,”she pleads,loweringhergaze.“Iheardyoucryingoutinyoursleep.”

“Iwill,”Ipromise,swallowingpastthelumpinmythroat Ididn’tknowIhadbeendoingthat,andI’membarrassedthat shewitnessedit.“WhatwasIcryingoutfor?”

“Itwasn’tawhat,”sheresponds.“Itwasawho.”

Iswallow,glancingaway.“Who?”

Ididn’twanttoadmittomyfears,evenifIwasunconscious.ThatnightwithCyrusplaysoverandoverinmyhead.I remembercallingoutforCole,andthenagainwhenEmilygotdraggedaway Ihadbeenimmobile,unabletodoanythingto helpthem.Ihadtolistentohercries,totheirgoodbye,powerlesstohelp.

Carinatakesmeoffguardwithherresponse “Immy,”sheanswers,justasthere’saknockonthedoor Sheglancesthat way,herbrowspinchingtogether.“I’llletwhoeverthatisin,andthenIneedtogo.Ihavetohelpwiththeeveningrush.”

“Thankyouforcomingandcookingmefood.”

Shegrabsherbagoffthearmchairasshegetstoherfeet.“Ileftsomeextrasonthesideforyou.Whenthey’vecooled,pop theminthefridge.Bellaiscomingtomorrow,andtrustme,youdon’twanttoeatwhatshecooksup.”

Ismileatthat “Gotit”

Sheleansdown,kissingmycheek.“Bewell.Andcallmeifyouneedanything.”

“Iwill Loveyou,sis”

“Loveyoutoo,yougoof.”

Shemakesherwaytothedoorassomeoneknocksagain.Shepicksupsomefallenmagazinesandplacesthemontheside tablenexttothedoor

Shepullsitopen,andfromwhereI’msittingonthesofa,Igettheperfectviewofthedoorway.Andwho’sstandinginit, fidgetingnervouslyonherfeet

“Imogen,”Carinagreetsandturnstome,raisinghereyebrowswithaknowingsmirkplasteredonherface.“Whata coincidence Imogenishere,Ben”

“Icansee,”Ireply,notatallamusedbyherattemptatbeingfunny.“Areyougoingtokeepblockingherentrance?” Carina,rememberinghermanners,stepsaside.“Sorry.”

“Coincidence?”

“Um,yeah.IwasjustsayingIfeltbadleavinghimalone.Youwouldn’tmindstayingwithhimforabit,wouldyou?” “Actually ”

“Perfect.There’ssomefoodonthecounterinthekitchen.Ifyouhurry,itwillstillbehot.”

“Um,okay,”Imogenresponds

“Catchupsoon,”Carinaorders,thenclosesthedoorbehindher,nearlyknockingthebasketfromImogen’shands.

Sheslowlymoveshergazefromthedoortome.“I’msorrytointrude.IwassupposedtogivethistoDadtogivetoyou, buthe’sawayforafewdayswithwork”

“Youaren’tintruding.Comeinandtakeaseat.”

“Howareyoufeeling?”sheasks,steppingintotheroom

“Beenbetter.Thetightnessaroundthestitchesstillneedsabitofgettingusedto,”Ianswer.“Howareyou?”

“I’mnottheonewhogotstabbed,”shejokes,takingaseat.“ButI’mgood.”

“Evanmentionedyouhadanewjob.Howisthatgoing?”

“It’sthereasonI’mhereactually,”shereplies,loweringthebasketontheseatbetweenus.

Myeyeswidenatthegamingproductsinthere.Thoseproductsmusthavecostafortune.There’saheadsetandtwo controllersthatIknowforafactarelimitededitionbecauseIcouldn’tgetonthelistforthepre-order.Ithadbeenlikethe malarkeyofgettingTaylorSwifttickets Theysellforsixtosevenhundredeach There’salsoalimited-editionminispeaker,a rollofLEDlights,andacoupleofgamesandaccessories.

“Pleasetellmeyoudidn’tbuymeallofthat It’swaytoomuch”

“Actually,mybossgavethemtometogivetoyou.Andhekindlygavemethis,”shedeclares,pullingoutZombie Apocalypse:GroundZero

“Holyshit!Howdidyoumanagetogetthatthisearly?I’mstillwaitingformypurchasecode.”

Shesmiles,anditlightsupherentireface.“IwasexplainingtoLaura,acolleagueIworkwith,whyItookadayofflast week Idon’tevenrememberhowyourfavouritegamecameupbutitdid Thatsameday,mybosscameinwiththegame,andI guesswhenhefoundoutwhoyouwere,hewantedtodomore.Ireceivedthegiftbasketattheendoftheday.”

“Thankyou,butnooneneededtodothisforme”

“Iknow,butalotofpeoplearegratefulforwhatyoudid.Cyrusplannedtokillothersandtheyfoundpicturesonhisphone ofotherpeople DadsaidtheywerepeoplewhowerejustinthesamebuildingasCole Heevenhadpicturesofyou,whichis whenhespeduphistimeline.”

“IthinkitgotspeduptheminuteEmilyandherfriendswentlookingforGabby.Ithinkitknockedhimoffhispath.” “Maybe”

Inearlyleaveitthere,butsomethingcompelsmetobehonest,knowingshe’dneverjudgeme.“Everyonekeepspainting measahero,butIfeellikeafraud Ididnothing Iwasuselessoncethatknifegotpushedintome Ishouldhavesensedhim I shouldhaveknownsomethingwasoffwhenIdidn’tseetheredlightbelowthecamera.”

Sheshiftscloser.“Ben,youaren’tafraud.FromwhatColewastellingDadinthewaitingarea,hegothitfirst.”

“Hedid.BeforeIgotthechancetodoanything,hetookmeoffguardandclosedthedoorhardonmyface.Wefoughtfora minutebeforeIgothitagainandfellunconscious.”

“Youcouldn’thavebeendownforlongbecauseColesaidwhenhebecameconscious,Cyruswentforhimwithaknife andyoudoveintheway.IfhehadkilledCole,thenitwouldhavebeenover.Itmightnotfeelgreat,buttakingthatknifesaved allofyou”

Ipinchthebridgeofmynose.“Iguess.ButIstillfeellikeafraud.”

“HowaboutIputthisgameinandyoucanfeellikeazombiekillerinstead?”

Ilaughathoweasilyshemakesmefeelatease.Talkingaboutthatnightishard.Everyonehastheirownperceptionofthat night,whilstIhaveanother.It’sliketheletter‘m’writtenonapieceofpaper.Fourofyouwillseesomethingdifferent.One willseean‘m’,theothersan‘E’,a‘w’,anda‘3’ AndallIcanfocusonismyperceptionofthatnight Itfeelsgoodnottofeel pressuredintofeelingacertainway.“Onlyifyouplaywithme.”

Shecluckshertongue “Dude,ifyouwasn’tgoingtooffer,Iwastakingitwithme Youaren’ttheonlyonewaitingfora pre-ordercode.”

“Youdon’thaveanywhereelsetobe?”Iask,knowingherboyfriendisn’tparticularlyafanofmine.

Theguygivesoffacreepyvibe Heshowstheworldoneface,butI’veseenhimwithImogenwhenhedoesn’thavean audienceandit’slikehewantstocontrolher,notbeherpartner.

Shelowershergazeslightly “Nottonight ButIamgoingtotakeabowlofthatfoodbecauseitsmellsamazing Ifthat’s okay?”

“No,goahead Mysistermadeenoughfortenfamilies” “DoyouwantanythingwhilstI’mup?” “Abeer?”

Shearchesabrow “Nochance Iknowyou’restillonpainkillers” “Itwasworthashot,”Itease. “Howaboutawaterandanotherbowloffood?” Ileanback,grinning.“Soundsgood.”

“Doyouwantitheatingup?”

“Ifsheleftasaucepanclean,youcando.Ittastesbetterheateduponthestovethanitdoesinthemicrowave.ButI’mgood withitbeingwarm.”

“Gotcha Itwon’ttakemelongsodon’ttrygettinguptoputthegamein”

“Areyousurethiswasaspurofthemomentvisit?”BecauseIswearshe’sbeenspeakingtoMum.

“YourmumbroughtsomefoodaroundtoMumandDad’s WhenDadtoldherhewasplanningtocomeupandvisit,she gavehimalistofthingstolookoutfor.Idon’tthinkhewasgoingtokeepthebeerfromyou,butMumgavehimalookthat said,don’tyoudarebuyhimanywhilsthe’sgettingbetter.”

Ichuckle,whichpullsattheflesharoundmystitches.Iwince,placingmyhandovermysidewherethebandageliesunder myT-shirt.

Imogen’sfacefalls,hercheekspaling.“Wouldyoulikeanymedication?”shewhispers,paininhertone. Ishouldhavetakenthembynowbuttheysendmesleepy.SoIlie,notwantinghertoleave.“No.I’mnotdueanyyet.” “Alright,Iwon’tbelong,”sheoffers,pickingupmytray Iwatchherarseswingsidetosideasshemakesherwayintomykitchen. TherewasatimewhenIwouldn’tletmyselflookather Itwasbeforehereighteenthbirthday Althoughlegal,itstillfelt wrongtowanther.Ialwayslikedher,butnotinawaythatdeservedaprisonsentence.Shehadalwaysbeenmyboss’skid daughterandIneverlookedatherinthatway

Thensheturnedseventeenandshecaptivatedme.Ifoundwaystobearoundher,talktoher,andtouchher.Itwassmall things,andbythetimeIrealisedwhyIlikedbeingaround,herdadhadnoticed.Hewarnedmeshelikedmeandtonotfeedher crush Icouldtellhewasconcernedaboutit,whichheconfirmedwhenhetoldmeshewastooyoungforme Sheneeded someoneherownage,sohemademepromisetostayaway.SoIdid.IrespectedEvanandImogentoomuchtoargueaboutit. Andwhilstsheactedonherfeelings,Ididn’t BecauseIknewEvanwasright Shewasfartooyoungtoknowwhatshewanted backthen,andIdidn’twanttobeamanwhotookadvantage.

ApartofmealwayswonderedifEvanknewIlikedhertoobythatpoint,anditwasmeasapersonwhohedidn’twant forher.

Iowedhimtoomuchtobetrayhim. Yettherearetimeswhenit’sbeenhardnottobreakmypromise

Hunchedforwardonthesofawithmyanklescrossedandkneesdown,Isquintatthescreen.Myglassesareinthecar downstairs,butIcan’tpullmyselfawayfromthegame Ithoughtitwouldbeawkwardbetweenusbutit’snot Thisisthemost timewe’vespenttogetherinyears,anditfeelsgoodtolaughwithhimagain.Ineverthoughtwewouldgetbackhere.

Amanwithameltingfacecomesatmycharacteronthescreen,andIscreamatBen,“Toyourleft Toyourleft”

Heturnshischaracter,whoiswearingallleather,andswingstheaxetogetthedeadguycomingatmewithteethand claws

Iglancetotheside,readytohigh-fivehim,andcatchhimgrimacingonceagain.“Alright,enough,”Iorder,endingthe game.

“Hey,whatareyoudoing?”heasks

“That’sthetenthtimeI’veseenyouwince.You’reclearlyinpainandyoulooktired.”

“I’mfine,”hepromises,brushinghisfingersthroughhissandyblondehair Igulpatthemove,wonderingifhishairfeels assoftasitlooks.“Wecancleartheotherbuilding.”

“TheonlythingI’mcleaningisourbowls Youaretakingyourmeds Justtellmewheretheyare” Hesighs,relaxingbackonthesofa.“They’reinthekitchencupboard,nexttothefridge-freezer.”

Iplacethecontrollerontheseatbetweenusandgettomyfeet.Imakemywayintothekitchen,headingstraightforthe nearestcupboardtothefridge Seeingonlymugs,Imoveontothenextone,ontheotherside,hittingthejackpot Therearea fewwithnewdatesonsoIgrabtheboxesbeforemovingtogrababottleofwateroutofthefridge.

Iheadbackinsidethelivingroom,placingthemdownnexttohim “Ididn’tknowwhichonesyouwouldwant” Hepicksupthefirstpacket,takingtwo,andoneoutofanother.“Thankyou,”heresponds.

Ifiddlewiththehemofmyblouse.“Whydidn’tyoutellmeyouwereinpain?”

Whenhegazesatme,Ican’tdecidewhethertolookawayortoneverlookaway.Somuchishiddenbehindthoseintense eyes.SomuchIwanttoquestion,andforhimtoanswer.ButIdon’t.Instead,Iwaitforhimtorespond.

Hebreakseyecontactforasplitsecond,andmybodyjoltsslightly Myshoulderslosetheirstiffnesslikeheletmeoutof hisgrasp.

“BecauseIdidn’twantyoutoleave,”headmits,hisvoicehoarseashetakesanothertabletfromthethirdpacket Myeyebrowspinchtogetherathisanswer.“WhywouldIleave?”

“Theymakemetiredwithinthirtyminutesoftakingthem.”

Myeyeswidenafractionathisdeclaration.“YouneededthemwhenIfirstaskedearlier,didn’tyou?”

Herunsahandsoftlyacrossthebackofhisneck,andIlickmydrylipsatthesightofhisarmbulging.“Yes.”

“Ben,youcan’tdothattoyourself,”Ilightlyscold,butthenclearmythroat,notwantingtomakehimfeelworsethanhe alreadydoes.“Imean,ifyouwantedmycompanythatbadly,Iwouldhaveagreedtocomebackjusttoplaythegame.You didn’tneedtobeinpain”

Hechuckles.“I’llrememberthat.”

“Doyouneedmetotakeyoutobedoranything?”IclosemyeyesbrieflywhenIhearhowdirtythatsounded. Hegrins “Areyouofferingtotakeme?”

“Yes.No.Imean,ifyouneedhelp,I’mnotgoingtoletyoustruggle.”

Helaughsatmyunease “Immy,I’mgood Butthankyouforoffering”

“I’mgoingtoputtheseinthedishwasher,”Ioffer.

“No,you’vealreadyputtheothersaway Icandothat”

Iarchaneyebrow.“How?Youaren’tsupposedtoliftanythingforanotherweekyet.Itwillonlytakemeafewminutes. Andit’stheleastIcando,sinceyouletmeeattwobowls.”

Ipileitallontoonetrayandliftitup AsIhitthedoorway,Benresponds “Ilovehowunapologeticyouareaboutloving food.Somegirlswillbarelyeatoneplate,tooembarrassedtoeatinfrontofsomeone.”

HiswordscatchmeoffguardsinceZachonlyevermadenegativecommentsabouthowmuchfoodIconsume Ifheknew whattheotherfemalescouldeatinmyfamily,Idreadtothinkwhathewouldsay.Haydenistheskinniestbyfaryetcaneatany personunderthetable Exceptmaybeherdad Idon’teventhinkherdadhasastomach “DidIsaysomethingwrong?”

Iturntoaddresshim,clearingmythroat.“No.You’rejustoneoftheveryfewpeopleoutsideofmyfamilywhohasnever mademefeelawfulformyloveoffood”

Hisjawclenches.“Neverletanyonemakeyoufeelbadforit,”heordersinagentlertone.“Plus,Ithinkit’sthefirstthing mymumfellinlovewithaboutyou Itwouldbreakherheartifyoudidn’teatherfood” Ilaughathisaptdeclaration.Itisthefirstthinghismumlovedaboutme.Sheinvitedustoherrestaurant,andIgotso

overwhelmedbyallthearomas,Iwantedtotryeverything.Anytimesomethingnewwouldcomeout,Iwouldbounceinmy chair,softlydemandingtotrythatonetoo.Shelovedit.

“Iwouldneverwanttodisappointyourmum,”Iadmitwithasmile Steppingintothekitchen,Iplacethetraydownonthecounter,onlyhittingtheedge.Beforethebowlsandcutlerycanfall tothefloor,Iblockthemwithmybody,causingthesaucetospillontomywhiteblouse “Shit!”

“Everythingokay?”

“Um,yeah,justaminute,”Icallback.Iquicklyloadthedishwasher,puttingonacyclebeforeleavingthekitchen. Ben’seyeswiden.“Shit,that’sgoingtostainifyoudon’tquicklywetit.”

Ipullthewetmaterialawayfrommybody “It’sfine”

“It’snot.GograbaT-shirtfrommywardrobe.Mumleftsomestainremoverinthecupboardabovethewashingmachine. Ifyourubsomeofthatonitandsoakitwhenyougethome,itshouldbeokay” “Areyousure?”

“Yes”

“Thankyou.”

Imakemywaydownthehall,noticingthepersonaltouchessomeonehasmade.Onthewallrunningalongtheshort hallwayarepictures Somearegroupphotoswithhisfamily,andsomearefromtheoffice Allarememoriesofmilestonesor events,andIcan’thelpbutstopattheoneofmewiththemenwhoworkformydad.I’mtheonlyfemaleinitandI’mknelt downwithtwoRottweilersoneithersideofme Theyweremydad’sbestfriend’sdogs Harris

ThebathroomisattheendofthehallandthedoortoBen’sbedroomistotherightofit.Istepinside,mesmerisedbythe décor.Totherightisacornerwardrobeanddrawers.Theentirewallbehindthemhasmouldings,givingthedarkcharcoal greywallscharacter.Hisupholsteredbedframeisinalightershadeofgrey.Hehasadarkbedsheeton,butthethrowatthe bottomiswhite,crossingoverthecornerofthebed.

Hehasadeskinthefar-leftcornerthatrunsalongthewallbeforestoppingatthewindow Everythingissimpleandtidy yetlookselegantandbeautiful.

Notwantingtocomeacrossascreepy,Iquicklymovetothewardrobe,pullingopenthedoor Iunbuttonmyblousebefore slidingitoff.Notwantingtoriskgettingthesauceonanythingelse,Ifolditupsoit’scoveredandplaceitonhisdrawers.I reachforoneofhisblackT-shirts,tuggingitovermyhead.I’mimmediatelysurroundedbyhisscent,whichisamixofspice andearthywoods.There’salsoahintoflavendersoftener.

Igrabmyblouseoffthedrawersandmakemywaybacktothelivingroom.Benisnowheretobeseen,soIheadintothe kitchen,panickingalittle Heshouldn’tbeonhisfeet

“Whatareyoudoingup?”

Heholdsupatubeandatub “Grabbingthese”

“Ben,Icouldhavedonethat.Youshouldn’tbeonyourfeet.”

“Ineededtogetupanyway.Ididn’trealisehowlateithadgottensoI’mgoingtohitthesack.”

“Areyousure?”Iask,searchingforanycluethatheislyingtomakemefeelbetter “Positive,”heassuresme,takingmyblousefromme.“Youhavetoleavethistosoakfortwentyminutesbeforeyouputit intothewash Asasonwhogrewupbeingfeddisheswithsauces,it’salifesaver YouhavenoideahowmanyshirtsIwent throughwhenImovedoutbeforemymumfinallysharedherwisdom.”

IwatchhimscrubthegelontotheshirtasIreply “Shedidn’tgiveittoyouinpreparation?”

Helaughsashesprinklessomepowderontopofthestain.“No.Shedideverythinginherpowertogetmetomoveback home.I’llneveradmitittoher,butInearlybrokeaftermyfavouriteTeegotruined.”

IlaughbecausethatdescribesMariaperfectly She’sacunningwomanwholovesherchildren “Whendidshebreak?”

“IinvitedhertodinnerandIwasdoingitallwrong.TheminuteIsplashedsauceonmyshirtandwenttothrowitinthe bin,shegotup,yellingatmeinItalian Bytheendofthenight,Ihadalistofhomelifehacks,recipes,andshehadpurchased everycleaningproductIwouldeverneed.”

“Waitasecond doesthatmeanyoudidn’tcookattheofficeChristmasparty?”

“Ohno,Idid.Mumjustneededtoseethatsheneededtoletgo.AndIneededtolearnyouwillalwaysneedyourmother.” Hehandsmemyshirt.“Thankyou,”Ireply.“IwishIcametothatrevelationwhenImovedout.Ionlymovednextdoor butImissedmyparentsterribly Mumhadtogetmetoadjusttothenewlivingarrangementsbynotvisitingmeathome I couldn’tevenvisitherattheirhome.Wehadtomeetupinanewsetting.SoIguessitwasreversedforme.Iwastheonewho neededtoletgo”

“Whatdidyourmumneedtolearn?”

IlaughbecauseIknowit’sgoingtosoundridiculous.“Thatshecouldn’tcallmeupforavoteanymore.Itwasnolonger twoagainsttwo.Itwastwoagainstone,sinceIdidn’tlivethereanymore.Luckily,wheneverthere’ssomethingmydadand brotherdon’twanttowatch,meandMumwillarrangetowatchittogether.Iguesswe’rebothluckytohaveparentswholove

us.”

Hisgazesoftens,andIswearhiseyesdriftdowntomylips.“Yeah.”

Iclearmythroat “Well,um,I’dbettergo IhavesomeworkIneedtodobeforetomorrow” Iwalkbacktothelivingroom,collectingmybagfromthesofa.“WillyoutellyourbossIsaidthankyouforthegifts?” “Iwill”

Aswereachthedoor,hepullsitopen.“Youshouldtrytotalkhimintogivingyouacopyofthegamesowecanpairup.”

“Ha!Idon’tthinkthatwillhappen,butifit’struethatwegetearlyaccess,Iwillforsurebepickingthatoneout” Helaughs.“Thankyouforcoming.”

Istepintothehallway.“You’rewelcome.I’mgladtoseeyouaredoingbetter.”

WesayourgoodbyesbeforeIheadovertothelift Therearetwoflatsoneithersideofthehall Thestairsaretotheback ofthebuildingandtheliftisatthefront.Notwantingtowalkdownadozensetofstairs,Ioptforthelift.

Asthedoorsclose,Igivehimonefinalwave,consciousthathe’sstillwatchingme It’snotuntilthedoorsclosethatItake abreath.

Ineverexpectedtobeherethislong BeingaroundhimforthatlonghasstirredupfeelingsIthoughtIhadburntyearsago Ithasneverbeeneasytobearoundhim,buttonightremindedmeofwhyIlikedhimsomuchtobeginwith.He’sinteresting, funny,andwe’reintosimilarthings.He’scomforting,likeababy’sblanketyoucarryaroundlongafteryoushouldhave stopped

Thedoorsopen,anditdoesn’ttakemelongtoletmyselfoutside.Iheadovertowheremycarisparked,butstopshort whenIseethelastpersonIexpectedtosee

“Zach,whatareyoudoinghere?”

“Iknewyouwerefuckinglyingtome.”

Mybrowspinchtogether.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”

“Itwashim,wasn’tit?He’sthereasonyoubrokeupwithme.”

Myeyeswidenattheaccusation IthoughtIhadsettherecordstraightwhereBenisconcerned “Zach,youwereatmy office.Yousawthegiftbaskettheygavemetogivetohim.That’swhyI’mhere.”

“Forfivehours?Yeahright You’reevenwearinghisshirt” “Zach,youaremisreadingthesituation.Itisn’twhatyouthink.”

“LikeIbelieveyou.IthoughtImeantmoretoyouthanthis.Iwouldneverhavecheatedonyou,muchlesslookedat anotherwoman.Howcouldyou?Haveyouforgottenwhathedidtoyou?DidyouforgetwhatIdidtohelpyouthroughit?This isalowblow,Imogen,evenforyou.”

Hiseyesswarmwithtears,breakingmyheart “Zach,itreallyisn’twhatyouthinkitis Ipromise”

“You’llregretthis,Imogen.Youreallywill.IneverbelievedyourbullshitexcuseandnowIhavemyanswers.”

Heturnstoleave “Zach,wait!Let’stalkaboutthis” Hepullsopenhiscardoor.“No.I’vebeenwantingtotalktoyoufordaysandyou’veignoredme.Stayawayfromme,you lying,cheatingwhore.”

“Zach,Ihaven’tcheated,”Iyell

“Youknowwhatreallyhurts?Istillloveyou.Iwouldtakeyoubacktomorrow.That’showmuchofaholdyouhaveover me Butthis thisiscruel Youcouldhaveatleastwaiteduntilthebedsheetswerecold”

Ijerkathiswordsashecloseshisdoor.Ihavenevercheatedonanyone,muchlessZach.EvenduringthetimesIknewit hadtoendbetweenus,Ineverwantedtohurthim Wehadbeenfriendsfirst,andthatmeantmoretomethananything He broughtmeoutofadarkplace,somethingnotevenmyfamilycouldhavedone.Hemademefeelworthyoflove,andtreated melikeawoman.

Whereitwentwrong,Idon’tknow

ButtheZachI’veencounteredthepastfewweeks… He’sastrangertome

Imogen

Georgedramaticallyclosesthedoortomyofficewithhisfoot.Inonehandisabagfilledwithfood,andtheotherholds twodrinkssecuredinacupholder Thesmellcomingoutofthebagistodiefor Larryisalegendforhiringrealcooksforthe cafeteriainsteadofacafeteriaassistantwherethefoodismicrowavedandtasteslikecardboard.

HereatCastleandGames,wehaveavarietyofthebestfoods Anythingthat’sleftoverattheendofthedayistakendown toourlocalhomelesscharity.Theyservethefoodonthenighttothosesleepingonthestreets.Howwehavesomanyhomeless isbeyondmeandnotsomethingIliketogetinto Igetsomadanddon’tknowwhentostop

“Ifweeverhadazombieapocalypse,Danielwouldbethefirsttogo,”Georgegrowls,placingthefooddownonmydesk. Ibarelymovemypapersintime.

“Yeah,Icantotallyseehimtryingtoyellthezombiesawayandgettingbitten”

“No,I’dkillhimandsaymyfingerslippedbecauseIthoughthewasazombie,”heamends.

IsplutteroutalaughasIreachintothebag “Whathashedonenow?”

“Hehasthismaddeningfilingsystem.It’schaoticallyorganised,whenitcouldbemadesomucheasierandsimplerfor people Hewouldn’thavesuchastickuphisarseifhechangeditbecausethenotherswouldn’tconstantlybegoingtohimto getthefilestheyneed.”

“IheardLaurasaytheytriedonceandheblewagasket.”

“Don’tgetmewrong,he’sgoodathisjob,buthemakesitsodamndifficultforotherstodotheirs I’velostcountofhow manytimeshe’syelledatmetoday.”

IsmileasIpullaplasticknifeandforkoutofthebag “Youshouldgetayelljar”

Hearchesabrowatme.“Hewouldprobablyburymybodyinthestacks.Noonewouldeverlookformethere.They’dbe tooscaredtogetonhiswrongside.”

“I’dlovetoknowwhyheturneddownmyposition.It’samazing.Iwouldhavethoughtbeinganassistanttothemanwhois tothankforthiscompanywouldberightuphisalley.”

“Youmeanyoudon’talreadyknow?”

Ieyethetallmanwhohaswormedhiswayintomyheart.He’slikeanotherbrotherandbestfriendrolledintoone. “There’sanactualstorybehindthedecision?”

Heshrugs.“Notreallyastory.”

Ileanforward,forgettingmymeatballsforamoment.“Tellme.”

“Well,Iheardoneofthewomenbitchinginthestaffroomaboutit.Apparently,Larryhasbeentryingtowinhimoverto hissideforyears.”

“Woah,that’sacompliment Larryiskindofpicky”

Georgeshrugs.“Well,Danielisknowntohavesaid,‘whywouldIrunoneofficewhenIcanrunthemall’,”heannounces, usinghisbestimpersonationofDaniel which,Ihavetosay,isprettygood “Thatsoundslikehim,”Ideclare,shovellingaforkfuloffoodintomymouth.

“So,whowasthehottiewhocametovisityou?Igotsomeseriouslyweirdvibesfromthebothofyou.”

ImovethefoodaroundinthecontaineratthementionofZach I’vefailedtogethimtotalktome Idon’tknowwhyit bothersmesomuchthathewon’t.Iwantedtoseparate.ButlivingwithhimthinkingIcheatedunsettlesme.Imayhavedone someshittythingsbynottellinghimhowItrulyfelt,butIdidn’tdoittohurthim Sometimesthetruthcanhurtsomeonemore AndIguessapartofmewasscaredhewouldtryhardertowinmyaffection,whenallIcaneverfeelforhimisloveasa friend

“He’smyex,”Ianswer,notexpanding.

IshouldhaveknownGeorgewouldn’tstopthere.

“Itakeityoubrokeupwithhim,”heguesses “Ordidhecheatandthat’swhyIwaspickingupthehostileatmosphere?” “Noonecheated,buthethinksIhave.”

“Don’tleavemeatthat Wehaveanhour Tellmeeverything Iwon’tleaveuntilyoudo,whichmeansDanielwillbein herescoldingyouformonopolisingmytime.”

Isnortbecauseheisn’twrong “It’samess Justbeforemyeighteenthbirthday,IwasletdownbyaguyIwasheadover heelsinlovewith.Hedidn’tfeelthesame.Zachwasmyfriendatthetime,”Ibegin,thengointodetailabouthowwefirstkind ofgottogether.

“Sohekindofaskedyououtatavulnerabletime?”

“Sortof.Butafterafewmonths,whentheembarrassmentdiedoff,IrealisedIwasbeingfoolishinthinkingwecould actuallybetogether”

“Sowhatchanged?”