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PartOne:OneMan

1 Chapter1

2.Chapter2

3.Chapter3

4.Chapter4

5.Chapter5

6.Chapter6

7.Chapter7

8.Chapter8

9.Chapter9

10.Chapter10

11.Chapter11

12 Chapter12

13.Chapter13

14 Chapter14

15.Chapter15

16 Chapter16

17.Chapter17

18 Chapter18

19.Chapter19

20 Chapter20

21.Chapter21

22 Chapter22

23.Chapter23

24 Chapter24

25.Chapter25

26 Chapter26

27.Chapter27

28 Chapter28

29.Chapter29

30 Chapter30

31.Chapter31

32 Chapter32

33.Chapter33

34 Chapter34

35.Chapter35

36 Chapter36

37.Chapter37

38 Chapter38

39.Chapter39

40 Chapter40

41.Chapter41

PartTwo:OneWoman

42.Chapter42

43.Chapter43

44.Chapter44

45.Chapter45

46.Chapter46

47.Chapter47

48.Chapter48

49.Chapter49

50.Chapter50

51.Chapter51

52 Chapter52

53.Chapter53

54 Chapter54

55.Chapter55

56 Chapter56

57.Chapter57

58 Chapter58

59.Chapter59

60 Chapter60

61.Chapter61

62 Chapter62

63.Chapter63

64 Chapter64

65.Chapter65

66 Chapter66

67.Chapter67

68 Chapter68

69.Chapter69

70 Chapter70

71.Chapter71

72 Chapter72

73.Chapter73

74 Chapter74

75.Chapter75

76 Chapter76

77.Chapter77

78 Chapter78

79.Chapter79

80 Chapter80

PartThree:TwoTogether

81 Chapter81

82.Chapter82

83.Chapter83

84.Chapter84

85.Chapter85

86.Chapter86

87.Chapter87

88.Chapter88

89.Chapter89

90.Chapter90

91.Chapter91

92 Chapter92

93.Chapter93

94 Chapter94

95.Chapter95

96 Chapter96

97.Chapter97

98 Chapter98

99.Chapter99

100 Chapter100

101.Chapter101

102 Chapter102

103.Chapter103

104 Chapter104

105.Chapter105

106 Chapter106

107.Chapter107

108 Chapter108

109.Chapter109

110 Chapter110

111.Chapter111

112 Chapter112

113.Chapter113

114 Chapter114

115.Chapter115

116 Chapter116

117.Chapter117

118 Chapter118

119.Chapter119

120 Chapter120

121.Chapter121

122 Chapter122

123.Chapter123

124.Chapter124

125.Chapter125

126.Chapter126

127.Chapter127

128.Chapter128

129.Chapter129

130.Chapter130

AlsoByLisaReneeJones AbouttheAuthor

PartOne:OneMan

Jax

Themoonglowswithwhitelightandhangslowandroundoverthenearbyoceandarkenedbynightasifit,likethehundreds ofguests inthe gardenofone ofthe SanFrancisco Knighthotels, is watchingthe beautiful brunette and star ofthe night. Emma Knight, is thatwoman, the twenty-eight-year-oldheiress to the hotel chain’s worldwide empire, who, infact, losther fatheronemonthago Now,her brotherChancerulestheirhotel empireandher motherhasfledtoEuropefor reasonsfew,I suspectEmmaincluded,knows.

ButIknow

She stands nextto Randall Montgomery, her brother's right-hand and confidant, a manwho mightbe fitenoughand decent enoughlookingifhedidn’tactlikehehasastickuphisass.Amanonmyradarforreasonshe’llsoonregret.HewantsEmma andhermoneyandtheempireherfatherfounded Sheisthefurthestdownthefoodchainofthemall,andbasedonherhistory withherfather,evenfurtherdownthanwouldbeexpected.Nodoubt,sheinheritedwithherfather’sdeath,butIwouldn’tbe shockedtodiscovershewasgivenatokeninsteadofagoldmine

The announcer stands at a podiumand begins lavishlyspeakingof Emma’s father withpurpose. Tonight, withwomenin fancy gowns and men in tuxedos, ice carved into sculptures and champagne poured in glasses, Emma is here to accept a philanthropyawardonhisbehalfwhileherbrotheriscuriouslyabsent.Ifhewerepresent,Iwouldn’tbehere.NeitherI,nor anyofthe Northfamilycouldstandher father,notthatIfindher brother anymore palatable.Her father is gone,though,and nowEmmaistheproverbialqueenofthehour Andthequeen,unawarethatsheis,hashadmyattentionforquitesometime There’sironyinthefactthatI,JaxNorth,theeldestnowofthelivingNorthfamilyoffspringis,infact,themanwhowatches her Anironyshe’llunderstandsoon,butnottoosoon Fornow,Istandatoneoftherowsofwhite-clothedtables,deepenough beyond inthe crowd ofpeople to be as good as inthe shadows;a manwhose familyhas done business withher familyfor decades,thoughlhavebeenintentionallyinvisibleinthoseendeavorsjustasIamherenow Presentbutunseen Emmastepstothepodium,butnotbeforeIcatchaglimpseofherpalepinkfloor-lengthdress.It’selegantinitssimplicity,in the wayithighlights her slender butwomanlyfigure. Her hands grip the sides ofthe podiumand for a longmoment, a full minuteatleast,shesimplylooksoutacrossthecrowdbutdoesn’tspeak There’sachargeofexpectationintheroom,asense of the crowd pushing her to break the silence and when finally, her pink-painted lips part, the microphone crackles and squeaks This seems to jolther and she laughs nervously, a softsweetlaughto matchher sweetlittle ass Perhaps the only sweetthingsabouttheKnightfamily.

“Thankyouallforbeinghere,”shefinallysays,andhervoiceisstrainedbutsuitablystrong.“It’sanemotionalnightforme, asyoumightimagine,tobeheretonight,amongthosehonoredwhoarelivingwhilemyfatherisnolongerwithus.Evenmore so,tobepresentatahotelthatwasthecenteroftheworldforhim.”ShecutsherstareandIcanalmostfeelherstrugglingfor composure,thewayIstrugglewhenIspeakofmyolderbrother

“Ilovedmyfathersoverymuch,”Emmaadds,andthepaininhervoiceisitforme.Irunahandoverthesilkofmylight bluetie,barelycontainedimpatienceintheaction,buttonightisn’tthetime;it’snotwhenI’mmeanttofindEmmaandEmma me.It’sathoughtthathasmeturningawayanddisappearingintothegardens,enteringthehotelbyasidedoor.I’mhereinthis hotelforonereason:Emma.It’slongpastduethatwemeet.It’slongpastduethatshelearnsabouttheconnectionbetweenher familyandmineoutsideofabookkeeperledger.Istrollacarpetedhallwaywithelegantchandeliersdippinglow atstrategic locations,abouttoturnintothebar whenIcomefacetofacewithEricMitchell,amanwhois quiteliterallyagenius.He’s alsovicepresidentinoneofthelargestcorporationsintheworld

“Longtime,man,”hegreets,offeringmehishand.It’sastronghand,andwhenIlookintohisblueeyes,Iseethemanborna savant, the man who sees numbers more than words I see the man who helped Bennett Enterprises reach beyond a legal powerhousetoaconglomerate,evenbeforeacquiringanNFLteam.

“Doesn’tBennettownhotels,whichwouldmakeyoutheKnights’competition?”

Hislipscurve “Keepyourfriendscloseandyourenemiescloser IwenttoschoolwithChance

Goodguymyfuckingass.“Weshouldtalk.” “About?”

“Allthingsgreen Howaboutlunchtomorrow?” “Icanmakethathappen.“

We set-up the meeting and the ways this little encounter has inspired me are many I cut right into a dimly lit bar that’s desolateatthemomentandthankfuckforit.Thedamnhotelisfilledtotherimfortheawardsceremony.Butbeingalonesuits me justfine rightaboutnow and Iwalkto the backofthe bar and slide into a red leather booththatoverlooks a roomwith couches, cushychairs, and danglinglights but also provides a curtainfor privacy. The Knight name is all about luxuryand comfort,butatitscore,it’saboutgreed.Atmycorerightnow,I’maboutthatspeechEmmawasgiving,aboutthepainatits core ThatpainiswhyI’mhere

Awaiter appears andIorder whiskey,NorthWhiskey,myfamily’s whiskey,whichis ineveryKnighthotel inthe country andbeyond Idon’tgiveafuckifitstaysorgoesorIwouldn’tbehere “Bringthebottle”

He’sjustfilledmyglass,andthenit’satmylipswhenEmmawalksintothebar.Alone.She’sdonehertimeonstageandran for cover The hotel mightbe hostingthe event, butshe isn’t She’s halfwayinto the bar whenvoices sound behind her She peeksoverhershoulderandthenwithapanickedlook,dartsinmydirection.

To mysurprise and Idon’tsurprise easily she slides into the boothwithme and pulls the curtainshut. “So sorry,” she says,claimingtheseatnexttome “Ireallyneedtoavoidaconversationandwell,breatheamomentorten Theonlywaytodo thatistobehavingaprivatemeetingthatlooksasifit’sjustthat:private,nottobedisturbed.”Shetakesmyglassanddowns mywhiskey

Interestingthatshedidn’truntoRandallforcomfort,butinfactranawayfromhim. Sheglancesatme,andwhenherbeautiful palegreeneyesfleckedwithambermeetmine,thereisachargebetweenus,an awarenessthatpartsherlipsandhasherturningawayfromme.BecausesheknowswhoIam?

“I’llbuythatbottleofwhiskeyforyou,”shesays,“forlettingmeintrude.”

AstatementthateitherprovesshehasnoideawhoIamorthatshe’splayingmethewayaKnightwillplay Itdoesn’treallymatter.It’sliketheskyopenedupanddeliveredherrighttome.“ConsideringI’maNorthandthat’sNorth Whiskey,”Isay,refillingtheglass “IthinkIcanhandlepayingforthebottleandhelpingtheladyofthenighthideout”Irefill myglass.

Hereyesgowide.“You’reJaxNorth.”Sheblinks.“Ofcourseyouare.YoulookliketheNorthfamily,all tall,blond,and handsomelybrooding.”Shedrinksabitmore.“Andthat’sthewhiskeymakingmeoverlyverbal.Myfatherdidn’tapproveof mebeingoverlyverbalordrinkingforthatmatter.”

She’snervous,ramblinginarathercharming,vulnerablewaythatIfindattractive,forreasonsIdon’ttrytounderstand “Ididn’tknow‘overlyverbal’wasathing.”

“Youdidn’tknowmyfatherwell,then Actually,noonedid”Sheswallowshard “Backtoyou”It’sahardpushfromany questionImighthavemadeaboutthatstatement“noonedid.”

“Youreallydolooklikeyourfatherandbrother.Ican’tbelieveIdidn’timmediatelyplaceyou.”

“YoumeanHunter,Iassume,sincemyyoungerbrother,Brody,beatstohisowndrum Adrumthatdoesn’tincluderunning thecorewhiskeyoperationoranyinvolvementwiththeKnightHotelbrand.”

“Yes,Hunter,”shesays,andthere’saflickerinhereyes,anunderstandingthatwe’retalkingaboutabrotherthatisnomore withusonthisearththanherfather.“Imetthemboth,briefly.Iah ”

Inarrowmyeyesonherwaitingforhertofinishthatsentence,proddingwhenshedoesnot “Youwhat?”

“You ”

“Lostthemboth,asyoudidyourfather,”Isupply.“Yes.Myfathertoaskiaccident,ayearagonextweek.Sixmonthsago nextmonthformybrother”Ileaveoutthecauseofdeath Thatisn’taplaceeitherofuswantsmetogowiththeKnightfamily tonight.“Timehelps,butanyonewhotellsyouitmakesthecuthealislying.Itjuststopsthebleeding.”

“Thankyoufor sayingthat,”shesaysinadeepbreath,“becauseifonemorepersontellsmetimewill makeitall better,I might scream.” She softens her voice. “I’msad to saythat I barelyknew your father and brother, and onlyknow younow becausemyintrusion,thatyouneitherchosenorinvited”

“ShouldIhave?”

“Whywouldyou? Youdon’tknow me.” She laughs a bitter laugh.“Well,there is myfamilymoney.That’s whateveryone knowsandwants Theythinktheyknowmyworth,buttheyknownothing” Idon’taskwhatthatmeans. Idare to slide closer to her. Idare to allow mylegto press to hers, the currentbetweenus charmingtheair “Iam aNorth,whichmeansthatIhavepowerandmoney Idon’tneedyours” “Moneyfeedsgreed.Whatyouhaveisneverenough.”

“Thereareotherthingstowantbesidesmoney,EmmaKnight.”

“CanIdenythatidentityperhapsfortherestofmylife?”

I leancloser, the scent of her distinctlywarm amber and vanilla, I believe myinterest inthis womanpiqued inboth

expectedandunexpectedways.“Whywouldyouwantto?”

“Acomplicatedanswertoasimplequestion.”Hervoicecracksandsheturnsawayfromme.Shereachesformyglassagain anddownseverydropinit “More?”Iask.

“Yes,butIshouldwarnyouthatI’maverybaddrinker”

Irefill theglassandsipbeforehandingittoher.Shestaresattheglassbeforeher gazeliftstomymouth.Unlikemoments before, she’s now thinkingofexactlywhatIintended: abouther mouthwhere mymouthwas moments before “Ipromise to catchyouifyoufall,”Isaysoftly.

“Don’tstartthisrelationshipoffbymakingpromisesyouwon’teventrytokeep.”

Relationship She’splanningonthisencounterleadingtomore,whichofcoursecouldsimplybebecauseI’mnowincharge ofmyfamilyempire.Or perhaps it’s about“more.” AndIplantomake itsomuchmore thanthis little rendezvous behinda curtain

“Inever make a promise Idon’tkeep,” Isay, and Iwill catchher ifshe falls, because once Icatchher, she’s mine. Once she’smine,everythingcomesfullcircle “Never?”

“Never,”Iassureher,“whichissomethingmyfriendsvalueandmyenemiesdread.” “Doyouhavemanyenemies?”

“Amanorwomanwithmoneyandpoweralwayshasenemies.”

Hercellphoneringsandshepantsoutabreath “Ofcourse They’renow lookingformebycallingme”Shepullshercell fromherpurseandglancesatthenumber.

“Randall?”Iask.

Hergazejerkstomine.“Howdoyouknowthatandhim?”

“Iknow a lotofpeople. Enemies everywhere, Emma,” Isaysoftly, and Ifind myselfreallywantingher to listen. Really wantingtoprotecther,whichisacontradictiontoeverythingIwoulddootherwisewheretheKnightsareconcerned “Andthat onewantstobeinyourbed.Ifheisn’talready.”

“Howdoyouknow that?”

“Itoldyou.Iknowalotofpeopleandthings.”

Shesetsherphoneonthetablewithoutansweringhim.

“Youaren’tgoingtoanswer?”

“No.I’mnotgoingtoanswer.I’mnotreadytogoback.”

“Wouldyouliketogetoutofhere?”

“Andgowhere?”

“Acastlebytheocean” Shelaughs.“Ifonly.”

“I’mserious,Emma.Comewithme.I’lltakeyouaway.”

“WouldyoubeaskingmethatifIwalkedawayfromitall?Thehotels,themoney?”

ThecurtainpullsbackandRandallisstandingthere,hisdarkhairslickedback,hisgazeslidingbetweenthetwoofusand landingonme “Whatthefuckareyoudoinghere,Jax?”

Mylipsquirk.“Enjoyinggoodcompanyandgoodwhiskey.”IglanceatEmma.“Withabeautifulwoman,”Iadd. Iexpecther to blushand lookaway, butshe doesn’t For several beats she justlooks atme, her stare unreadable, butthe crackleintheairbetweenus,thewhipandpullofattraction,isdamnnearpalpable. “Emma,”Randallsnaps,“youhavepeopleherehonoringyourfather.”

“Right Responsibility calls” Her eyes, her sea-green eyes meet mine “Thank you, Jax For the company and the fine whiskey.”Randalloffersherhishand,butsheignoresitandstandsup.

“Don’tyouwanttheanswertoyourquestion?”Iask

Sheglancesbehindher,overhershoulder,tomeetmystare.“Yes,Ido.”Butshedoesn’tstayforananswer.Shewalksaway, doing the impossible, considering she’s a Knight and I’ma North, as she does; she makes me crave more of her, but that cravinginmechangesnothing.Icamehere,seekingherout,forareason.Thatreasonremainsthesame.

Emma

Randall’s hand comes downonmyelbow;a possessive touchthatbothers me more inthis momentthanperhaps itmight, withoutJax’s warningabouthis intentions. “Whatare youthinking?” he demands softlyas we weave throughclusters of tables.“You’reheretorepresentyourfather.”

MyheelsplantsolidlyonthehardwoodandIwhirltofacehim “Whodiedamonthagoofaheartattack Now mymother hasfledtoEuropetoheal,shuttingmeout,barelyspeakingtomebyphone.Youdogettheimpactthosetwothingshaveonme, right?”

“Igetthat,”hesays,hisfingerstighteningonmyelbowwherehehasyettoletmego.“Butyourbrother ” “Was supposed to be here instead ofme. He’s nothere. He was supposed to be here, notme, butit’s me who’s here. Me who’sfacingthis,sodon’tstartlecturingme”

Surpriseflickersinhiseyesatmyunexpectedpushbackwhichofcourse,isbecauseIdon’tpushback;notagainstmyfather, andallordersfrommybrotherandevenRandall,were always frommyfather,butthatisnomore Myneedtopleasehimeven inhis deathchanged two weeks backwhenI discovered things I wishI didn’t know. “Where is your head right now?” he demands,leaningincloser,sniffingmydirection “Yousmelllikewhiskey Drinkingatapublicevent-”

“Stop,Randall.Stopnow.I’mnotachild.”I’malotofthingsheandmyfamilydon’tknoworunderstand.AlotofthingsI becametocopewiththislife.

Hisjawsetshard “I’mworriedaboutyou It’snotlikeyoutorunofflikethis” “Myfather died a monthago,” I hiss. “What is normal for a monthafter myfather died? Please tell me because I don’t know”

“Theresheis!Emma!”

AtthesoundofMarionRoger’svoice,Isqueezemyeyesshutbecauseofcourse,Ican’tignoreoneoftheownersofBreeze Airlines,thehotel’slargestcorporateclient.ButGodknows,herconnectiontoapastI’veburiedisbadenough.Now,knowing whatIknowofherandmyfather,avoidancemightbesmarterthanlookingherintheeyesandtemptingmyselftotellherthatI know everything Atemptation, ifrealized, could well be dangerous and Isuspectthatshe knows Iknow this Isuspectshe knowsthatIwilldoalmostanythingtokeepwhatisburied,buried.

Randallgivesmyarmasqueeze,awarning no,ademandthatIperformrighthere,rightnow Thisfromamanwhowants inmybedandinmylife,amanwhoobviouslycan’tseethemanyreasonsthathasneverhappened.IturntogreetMarionand herhusband,MonroeRoger,bothofwhomarenotmorethantenyearsmysenior,whichplacesthemjustunderforty.Myfather wasfifty-five.Mymotherisonlyforty-nine,astunning,well-agedforty-nine,thatobviously,consideringMarion,wasstilltoo oldtopleasemyfather.

“Nice of you to attend tonight,” Randall greets them, offering Monroe his hand and leaving me to come toe to toe with Marion,herbouncingredcurlsandpiercinggreeneyesbeamwithfakeaffection.

“Howareyou,honey?”sheasks,pullingmeintoasuffocatinghugandIswearshe’swearingthejasmineperfumemymother favors.

“I’mfine,”Ireplytightly,pullingback.“I’mfine.”

“You’renot,”shesays,brushingmycheekinafartoointimategesture,intimateinwaysthatsuggestssomethingmorethan friendship.Anadvanceofsorts,onethatIunderstand.Iknowhowsexisusedasamanipulationtool.Iknowinwaysthatno one inmyfamilyknows Iunderstand,buttheycreated Idon’twelcome this womaninmylife inanyway,shape,or form I don’t planto replace myfather inher bed but that’s her family’s way. Fuckwhoever and however youcanfor moneyand power “You’renotokay”

Ifoldmyarmsinfrontofme.“I’mfine.”

“Whydon’twesitandhaveadrink?”Monroesuggests.

“I’mrathertired,”Isay,welcomingtheescape

“Justonedrink,”Monroepushes.

“Wecandoone,right,Emma?”Randallsuggests.“Anightcaptohelpyourest?”

MylipstightenandIthinkofthehellIwillreceivelaterifIdecline,whichmotivatesmyagreement “One Yes Ofcourse” Monroe motions to a table inthe center ofthe roomand the four ofus claimour seats. The waiter is ontop ofus almost instantlyandaseveryoneplacestheirorders,heatburnsmyneck,drawingmygazedirectlyforward,landingonJax I‘mnow sittingacrossfromhisboothandheneverpulledthecurtainshutagain.Westareateachotherandwhenthewaiterstopsnextto meandsays,“Ma’am?Whatwouldyoulike?”

“Irishcoffee,”Isay.“NorthWhiskey.”

IfeelthejabofRandall’sattentiononme,butIignorehim.Thewaiterbowshishead,“Ofcourse,”andthenwalksaway. “Ihearyou’rescoutingalocationinGermany,”Monroesays,thecommentdirectedatme,withreason MyroleattheKnight Hotelempireistoscoutanddevelopnewlocations.

“Iam,”Isay “IleaveintwoweeksforBerlin ItwillbemyfirsttimeinGermany”

This launches the table into sharingall their experiences inGermany, whichwas myintent. I wanted themtalkingabout themselves,abouttheirexperiences,ratherthanaskingquestionsaboutme Idon’tlookatJaxagain Idon’tdareforfearI’ll makemyinterestobvious,buthelooksatme.Ifeelhisattention,aheavyblanketthatwarmsmefarmorethanthecoffeeand thewhiskey.Idownmydrinkandorderanother,whilenooneatthetableseemstoevennotice.Anotherforalightweightlike meprovesamistake Halfwaydowntheglass,andmyheadspins,whilemystomachchurnswithanemptinessthathasn’tbeen properlyfilledinweeks.

IstandupandRandallcatchesmyhand “Whereareyougoing?” “Thebathroomcallsme,”Isay.“Loudly.Ihavetopee.”

Marionlaughs atmyless thanladylike statementthatdefies myproper Emma Knightpersona, butmuchaboutthe Knight familynow defies theproper manners Igrew upbeingtaughttobe.TuggingmyhandfromRandall’s,Ifreemyself,andstep awayfromthegroup.Istartwalkingandweavingthroughtables,quitecertainthereisaswaytomystep,somuchsothatit’s embarrassingandIcan’tlookatJax MyGod,whatamIdoing?Thisisn’tlikeme Thisisn’tevenclosetolikeme Icutdown ahallwayandhurrytotheladies’room.OnceI’mthere,Ipushintofinditblessedlyempty.

IleanonthecounterandmentallyreplaythatnightI’dstayedinmyfather’shousealoneafterhisdeath,diggingthroughmy memoriesforthemanIknew,butallIfindaresecrets.Hissecretsthatarenolongersecrets.Idon’tknowwhoIamanymore.I don’tknowifI’veeverknownwhoIam.Iwasjustwhotheywantedmetobe.Who he wantedmetobe,whichiswhyIdid thingstofeelsomethingelse,somethingthatwasallme,somethingthatInow regret.Ilookinthemirrorandstudymyheartshapedfacesolikemymother’s,mylongbrownhair streakedwithhintsofred,whilehersisarichshinydarkbrownthatI always envy Mylightgreeneyes, her greeneyes Ithinkofall the times she and Itraveled together, scouted together And whilewewereaway,myfatherplayedandplottedinwaysIcanbarelyfathom.

Ipushoffthecounter,knowingthatI’mabouttoworkmyselfupandthatwilldomenogood,notwhenIhavetogobackto thetable.IapplylipglossandthenopenthedoorandsuckinairasIcomefacetofacewithJax.AmansorawandmalethatI prettymuchmeltwhereIstandjustlookingathimwhenthisisn’tmyusualreactiontomen.I’musedtorichandpowerfulmen. I’musedtothegamestheyplay,thewaytheychasemeformynameandfamilymoney,therefore,whywouldImelt?Butthere’s somethingdifferentaboutJaxNorth.MayberightnowI’mjustinaplacewhereIneedafantasy,anescape,andIjustwantto believehe’sdifferent,andsoIdo “Hi”

“Hi,”hesayssoftly,andwhenIswayslightly,hecatchesmywaist,histouchasearingbrand.AndLord,helpme,theheat thatrushesthroughmybodytellsastory Iwanttobebrandedbythisman “Ithoughtyoumightneedassistance” Iswallow againstmysuddenlydrythroat, againstthe heatburninglow inmybellyathis touch. “Because Iwas walking drunk?”

Hislips,hisreallybeautiful,somehowbrutallips,curve “Becauseyou’resurroundedbyassholes”

Wordsthatwouldbefunnyiftheyweren’tsoaccurate.“I’mafraidthat’saperpetualproblemIcanneverescape.” “Aperpetualproblemweacceptisachoice Wechoosewhowesurroundourselveswith” “You’rebornintoyourfamily.That’snotachoice.”

Eveninthe shadows of this darkhallway, the blue of his eyes darkens “I wasn’t aware the companyyouwere keeping tonightwasfamily.”

Justlikethat,alcoholandthismanhaveexposedoneofmysecrets.Myfamilyisnotmyhappyplace.“Thosepeopleexist becauseofmyfamily”

“Theyexistbecauseyouchoosetomakethemexist.”

“Spokenlikeamanwhoalignswithhisfamily” “Isthataproblemforyou?”

Mybrow furrowswiththisoddresponseandquestion.“Ofcoursenot.Iwasmakingapoint.Youdon’thavetofightwith yourfamily.”

“Everyonehastofightwiththeirfamily.That’scalledthenaturallawoftheland.”

“Amanofwisdomandwhiskey,”Isay.“Thelatterofwhichexceedsmylimits.AchoiceImadebutneverthelessregret.” “Assholeswilldothattoyou,”hewiselyconcludes.

“Yes Alltheassholes”Ilaugh,asincerelaughthatsurprisesme Ihaven’tlaughedin,well,inalongtime “Theymultiply Theassholesthatis.”IswallowhardandbeforeIcanstopmyself,I’veturnedsomber,andI’madding,“Especiallysincemy fatherpassed”

Hisfingersflexonmywaist.“Youcouldrunaway.”

“Myfatherusedtosaynevermakeadecisionwhilerunning”

“Andmineusedtosay,neverrunfromadecision,”headds.“Sometimesstandingstillis,infact,runningfromadecision.” ThisconversationisnowtravelingtoaplaceIdon’twanttotravel.“Ishouldgo.”Itrytomoveaway.

Hecatchesmywaistwithbothhandsthistime,theheatofhistouchmagnifiedbytwo,andwhenmyeyescollidewithhis, thecurrentbetweenusiselectric.“Don’trunfromme,Emma.Runawaywith me. ”

“They’rewaitingforme”

“Youdon’tevenlikethem,”hesays,histonepuresilkasheadds,“Youlikeme.” “Idon’tknowyou”

“Doyouwant toknowme?”Helowershisvoice.“BecauseIwanttoknowyou,EmmaKnight.”

EverythinginsidemewarmsinwaysthatIhaven’tfeltwarminaverylongtime,butI’mnotclear-headed.I’mvulnerable rightnowinwaysthatmakethisdangerous Myhandflattensonhischest “Ican’t” “Can’twhat?”

“This,”Isay “Whateverthisis” “Why?”

“Emma!”

AtthesoundofMarion’svoice,Jax’schinliftsslightly,hisbroadchestrisingwithabreath.Istepbackfromhim,andhis handsfallaway.Forasplitsecond,maybetwo,oureyescollideagain,andIcan’texplainit,butit’sasifweshareasecret.A secretwecan’tallowtobetold

AndthensuddenlyMarionroundsthecornerandlaunchesherselfinourdirection.Iturntofaceherandfindmyselfwhisked into a hug “Iknow this is a hard time for you Iknow” Her voice cracks withemotionthatshe mightplayoffas losinga friend,butIknowit’smore.IknowthemanywaysthiswomanhurtmymotherandIdon’tknowhowIleavethatalone. Ipushbackfromher.“I’mfine.”

Hereyesnarrowonmyface.“You’reangry.”

“Idobelievethat’saphaseofgrief.”

“Yes,”shesays,afterapause “Idobelieveitis Randallisantsyforyourreturn I’lljusthurryintotheladies’room”She stepsaroundme,leavingiceintheairaroundmeasshedoes.Achillthemanbehindmewillnodoubtheat.Idrawinabreath, preparingmyselfforhisimpact,butwhenIturnhe’snotthere He’sdisappeareddownanotherhallway Apparently,hedidn’t wantmetorunawaywithhimallthatbadly.AndIwouldn’thaveanyway.

WouldIhave?No.Iwouldnot,andyetthatregretIfeltwhenhestoppedtouchingmeisheavyandohsoundeniable.Irotate andstartwalkingthedirectionIcamefrom,butIdon’tleaveJaxbehind He’salreadygone

don’twaitonMarion.Iroundthecornerandrunsmackintoahardbody,butoddly,IknowbeforeIlookupthatit’snotJax. Thismanstandinginfrontofmedoesn’tchargetheairwhenhetouchesme.Thismandoesn’tstiraburnlowinmybelly.Jax doesthesethingsandwhenIlookup,IfindthatthismanisRandall.“Whatareyoudoing?”hedemands. “It’sthecallofMotherNature,”Isay “Iwenttothebathroom” “You’vebeengonealongtime.”

“Inotherwords,Ihaveatimelimitwhilepeeing NexttimeI’llbemoreaggressiveaboutthetoiletline” “Don’tbeasmartass,”hesnaps.“Iwassimplyworriedaboutyou.” “Worrydoesn’tsoundlikeareprimand.Thatwasareprimand.”Ipullagainsthisarmandwhenheletsmego,Ifeelrelief notregrettosuchadegreethatIwonderhowIonceentertainedthismanasmyman Itwasatimenotsolongago,atimeIfeel thatIwaslost,whenperhapsmostwouldsaynowisthetimeofloss,andthatlossismyfather.I’velosthim,butwithhim,I realizeI’velostallthatIthoughtknewofmyself

Randallstepstomyside.“I’mjusttryingtokeepyoufocused,”hesays.“Focusingonworkkeepsyoufromfocusingonother things”

Idon’tlookathim.Idon’tneedhimtotellmewhatIcanorcan’tdointheaftermathofmyfather’ssuddendeparturefrom this world.FromwhatIknow,he’s now higher upthechainofcommand,certainlyaboveme,perhaps moresothanheeven knows, butitdoesn’tmatter Idon’twantwhathe wants Idon’twantto rule the world All Iever wanted was something else.SomethingI’mnotevengoingtoletmyselfentertainrightnow.

Enteringthebaragain,IglancetowardthetablewhereI’dsatwithJaxbutfinditempty He’sgone,andIdon’tknowhowa strangerhassomehow leftmesodamnempty.Maybehedidn’t.MaybeI’mjustfacingwhatwasalreadythere.Maybeaman andhiswhiskeymademestoprunningfromthetruth Ialmostlaugh Ihaven’tfinishedrunningatall “WegotyoubackandIlostmywife,”Monroesaysaswerejoinhimatthetable.

“I’mrighthere,”MarioncallsoutandI’mwhiskedbackintothehelloftheonedrinkthatsomehowbecametwo.Islowmy drinkingandorderrealcoffee Withcaffeine,thehazeofboozestillpresent,butitshifts Nowitnumbsmysensesjustenough to make the topics ofthe economyand the expansionofairlines and hotels tolerable. Funnyhow notthatlongago, I’d have enjoyedsuchaconversation,onceuponatime,whenIwantedtopleasethekingofourempire “Aren’tyouopeningaBodegaBaylocation?”Monroeasks,lookingatme. “Weare,”Isay.“Whalewatching,oceans,andwineries.It’saperfectcombination.” “Areyougoingtoopenawinerytocompeteintheregionaswell?”Marionasks.

“We’repartneringwithawinemaker,soyesandno,”Ireply,sippingmycoffeeanddecidingsoberingupisnotworkingfor me IneedmoreNorthWhiskey IneedmoreJaxNorth “We’ll have to talk about a destination package,” Marion adds. “Bodega Bay and Breeze Airlines, a Knight/Roger partnership Anotherperfectpairingbetweenbignamedbrands Smart,don’tyouthink,Emma?”

Apartnership that has defined much of my life in ways few could understand, but Marion looks at me with a spark of awareness inher eyes. She knows I’mnotwhatIseem. She knows Idon’twantthatexposed. We bothknow thatgives her power.

“Partnershipsholdvalue,”Isay,butIdon’taddmore.Iwanttoshutherout.Ineedtoshutheroutbecausemypastcouldhurt ourbrand MypastisblackmailmaterialandIdon’tknowhowtowashthataway “We’re eager to explore any partnership with the Rogers,” Randall interjects, casting me a hard side-eye. “Perhaps we shouldplanacouples’tripdownthere”

Couples trip. As ifhe and Iare a couple. That’s it. I’mdone. “Speakingofwhich,” Isay. “Ihave a crazyweekahead. I shouldhitthebed.”

“Ofcourse,honey,”Marionchimesin “Thishasbeenanemotionalfewweeksforyou”

Honey.Mymothercallsmehoney.Mymother,whoMarionbetrayedinwaysnooneshouldeverbebetrayed.

“Weshouldheadtobedaswell,”Monroesuggests,andwiththat,mysingularescapeisnowgoneandmissed.Inowmust waitforthecheckthatI’llsignforaccountingreasonsandtheconversationcontinuesrightupuntilthemomentwedepartfrom thebar.

Eternallythis process continues, but finally, we stand and I endure another hugfromMarion “We’ll do that Bodega trip together.Let’stalkaboutitatthefireman’scharityevent.”

MyteethclenchandIbitebackarejection Ihavenoideawhenthatis,butI’mnotgoing Notifshewantstotalkaboutatrip wetaketogether.Sheleansbacktostudyme.“Agirls’tripwillbeamazing.Inviteyourmotherifyoulike.” Bitch.

Suchabitch

Suchahorribleperson.

IwanttosmackherandevenwiththatNorthWhiskeyinme,Idon’t Ijustsaynothing “Bodegaiswonderful,”isallIsay Afewminuteslater,IstepontoanelevatorwithRandallbymyside.“Bodegaiswonderful?”hechallenges.“Sheofferedto takeatripwithyouandthat’swhatyousay?”

“I’vehitmylimitrightnow,Randall,”Isay.“Ineedrest.Ineedanemotionaltimeout.”Theelevatordingsandopens,butI don’texit.IturntoRandall.“Iknow myfather wasn’tyour father,butsurelyyoucanunderstandthatthisaffectsme.Tonight wasabouthim Tonightisnoteverynight”

Withthat,nowIexitthecar,walkingtomyright,towardmysuite.I’vebarelymadeittomydoorandRandallisthere.My handfumbleswiththekeyanddamnit,it’snowontheground IgrabitandbythetimeIstandup,he’scloser He’ssodamn close.Irotateandhe’sthere,handonthedoorjambabovemyhead.“Randall,”Ibiteout.“Timeoutmeanstimeout.”

“Ithinkyouneedsomeonetotalkto.Letmebethereforyou.”

“Be there for me? Youhave beenridingme like I’ma problempetwho won’tbehave.” The elevator dings, a sound that echoesinmymindwiththepromiseofcompanyandanexcusetopushhimaway. “IfI’vebeenoverbearing ” “Youhave,”Isay.“Stepback.” Instead,hishandsettlesatmywaist InstinctisinstantandIshovehimback “Stop,Randall” Hestepsintome,thathandstillatmyhip,andangersurgesthroughme.“Emma ” “Stop,”Iorder.“Stoprightnow.” “Problem?”

Atthefamiliarvoice,Randall’shandsfallawayfrommeandheturnstofaceJax.“JaxNorth.Neverwhereyou’resupposed tobe,nowareyou?”

“SeemslikeI’mexactlywheresheneedsmetobe.Stepawayandlethergointoherroom.”

TheairaroundRandallsnapsandpops “Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare?” “Amanof little patience,” Jaxreplies all cool composure, “as youwell know.” Astatement that infers a historyI don’t expect.“Justaswebothknow,”Jaxadds,“thatshe’saKnightandyouarenot.”

IftherewasanythingthatcouldhitanervewithRandall,it’sthis,andI’mcertain,forreasonsIdon’tunderstand,Jaxknows thisandknowsitwell.It’salsoeverythingIwanttosaytoRandallbuthavenot,notinthewayJaxjustdid,andforreasons I’mnotcertainIcanlivewithgoingforward

“Spokenlikethesonwhoonlyinheritedwheneveryonewhomatteredinhisfamilydied,”Randallrepliesdryly.

Jax’s eyes meetmine fromover Randall’s shoulder and there is somethingcuttinginhis stare, somethingcold thatwasn’t there before, as ifhe feels Iamone withRandall. Ishake myhead, silentlyrejectingsuchwords buthe’s stone, unreadable stone.“Doyoureallywanttotravelthispathyou’retravelingrightnow,Randall?”heasks,hisgazeshiftingbacktotheother man

“Icouldpullyourbusiness,”Randallthreatens.

“AndI’mcertainshecouldoverruleyou”

Shebeingme,buthe’swrong.Idon’thavethatpower,nowmoresothanever.Randallmakesanamusedsound.“Youknow nothingaboutherorouroperation, Jax North ”

“Iknowthatyou’reactinglikeanasshole,”Jaxreplies.“Thinkaboutit,man.Tonightisnotthenight.” Tonight is not the night. He means because of my father. Doesn’t he? Why do I feel like there is something more there, something between these two that I don’t understand? Jax steps closer to Randall and speaks softly, whatever he’s said escapingmyears, butitreaches Randall’s. Atellingtale Iread fromthe stiffeningofhis spine, the tensionrollingalonghis shouldersthatevenbeneathhissuitjacketcannotbemissed

Asecondpasses,thentwo,andIcan’tseeanythingbutRandall’sback.Ican’thearthemspeakeitherbutsuddenlytheyturn to leave and disappear around the corner. I breathe out, myposture softening. What just happened? Apart of me wants to chargeafterthem.ApartofmefeelslikethisbattlethatjusteruptedisaboutmeandthereforeIhavearesponsibilitytoendit, but is it? I felt a familiar energy between them. I read something unspoken in their exchange. I suck in a breath when I

understand what happened tonight. Isat downwithJaxand made myselfa target, or rather, a weaponhe could use against Randall.

I canalmost feel the slice of the emotional blade, the painof yet another personusingme and this one, this one almost succeeded.ThisisexactlywhyeverythingIdofor mehastobeanonymous,hastobeoutsidethisworldofcutandbecut.I wasdrawntoJax IwantedJax Iwantedhimtothepointthathadhepushedjustalittlebitharder,atjusttherightmoment,I mighthaveendedupnakedwiththatman.StupidityishardtoswallowandIrotateandfacethedoor,shovingthekeyinfront ofthe sensor Once I’minside,Ileanonthe door andswallow againstthe tightness inmythroat WhyamIevenstayingthe night?Iliveinthecity.Idon’thaveanydesiretoturnbreakfastintobusinesscontacts.I’msuffocatingintheKnightempire.

Decisionmade, Igrab myphone, bookanUber, and withit onlyfifteenminutes out, hurrydeeper into mysuite, where I quicklychangeintojeans,sneakersandabaseballcapthatwillallowmetogetoutofherewithoutthelikelihoodofgarnering notice.PackingtakesmeanothertenminutesandsinceRandallhasn’tshownup,myescapeholdshope.Hurryingtothedoor,I peekintothe hallwaytofinditempty Myovernightbagis lightandItake the stairs,headingdowntwentyflights,butthat’s fine.Ineedtocleartheboozeoutofmysystemthat’sstillhazingmymind.OnceI’monthegroundlevel,Ipullthecapdown lowerandenterthelobby

Findingitsparselypopulated,IexittothestreetandspymyUber rightaway.Dashingthatdirection,Iopentherear door, tossmybaginsideandgreetthedriver.I’mabouttoclimbinsidewhenaprickleonmyneckisimpossibletoignore.Iturnand scantheareaaroundme,myeyeslandinghardonthetall,goodlookingmanstandingjustoutsidethehotelentrance:Jax Jaxis standingthere,andIsweartheweightofhisstareheatsmyskin,callsmetohim,thelookinhiseyesleavingmenoquestion. He’slookingforme He’sfoundme ButIcan’tstay.

BecausethereisonecertaintyIknow,onethatIfeeltomysoul.OnceIgetinvolvedwiththatman,thereisnoturningback. Andthereisnoquestion,there’snocomingbackfromwherehetakesme.There’snorecoveryfromwhatJaxNorthwoulddo tome.IgetintomyUber andshutthe door.“Drive,please,” Isay,butIdon’tbreathe easier whenwe begintopull away.I barelybreatheatall

wasright.

Nowisnotourtime.Itwasneversupposedtobeourtime.ThatmeetingwithEricMitchellcomesfirst.Iwatchherdrive away,thewomanIcamehereforandIlethergo.Ilethergoandwithgoodreason:Iwanthertoomuch.Thatwasn’tapartof theplan IstoodtherewithherbythatbathroomandIwilledhertobeanyonebutaKnight Iconvincedmyselfthatshewasn’t oneofthem,andthatsheneededtobesavedfromtheKnightfamilycurse.AcurseIplantocreate.Thenithappened.Randall broughtupmydeadfamilyinfrontofherandIknewIhadtobewrong Sheisoneofthem.

Andyet,Istandhere,thecoolairofftheoceanwashingovertheheatradiatingoffofme;onepartanger,onepartdesirefor awomanwhodeniesknowingmybrotherwhenIknowsheknewhim,butatleastInowunderstandhowtheKnightstookhim down.They,orratherEmmaKnight,isabitlikeadrugthatyouwanttotasteevenbeforeshetouchesyourtongue.Shecould lureamantohellandhe’dneverwanttocomeback,butIwon’tbefollowingEmmaorpursuingheratall Iwon’thaveto TonightIsetthetrap.

TonightIensuredthatshewillcometome Andmycastleawaits.

Emma

TheUber rideissilentbutfor thehumoftheengine,streetlightssplinteringthedarknessinburststhatfadequicklyonlyto return,refusingtoallowmetodisappear.Thewaymyfather’ssecretsrefusetoallowhimtorestinpeace,orperhapsit’s methatcan’tfindpeace.TonightIstoodinacrowdandpretendedIwasthesamepersonIwasamonthago,whenIcannever bethatpersonagain Thequestionthoughbecomes,whoamInow?

ThecarhaltsinfrontoftheFolsomStreettower,ahigh-endpropertypartiallyownedbytheKnightcorporation,andusedfor rental incomeandpersonal use Invarious locations,this thirty-floor buildingis hometome,mybrother,andmyparents,or rather,mymother.Exitingthecar,thecoolnightair,madecoldbythewindoffthenearbyocean,liftsmyhairoffmyneckand drivesmeintoahurriedpace,thoughthetruthis,Ifeellikethere’smorethanwindatmyback.ThereliefIfeelwhenIenterthe lobby acompactbutmoderndesignwithlowhanginglightsthatscreamsofaluxuryhotelthekindthatsuitstheKnightbrand is momentary. I fear I would seemspoiled to anyone who didn’t really know better, but luxury is suffocating me. It’s a façade,likemybankaccountandstatusinthisfamily

Ientertheelevatorandpunchinmycode,butIdon’theadtomyone-bedroomapartmentI’veleasedthepastsixyears.Nor doItraveltothetwenty-ninthfloorwhereChancelives He’shidingoutinnearbySonomaanyway,undertheguiseofbusiness, butIknow better.Hesimplydidn’twanttoacceptthatawardtonightforourfather,almosttothepointofodd,andIwonder how muchhe knows about dad that I never knew. I shove that thought aside because I can’t lose mybrother now too, and Chance Chanceisn’tmyfather

Theelevatordingsmyarrivalatthepenthouselevel,tomyparents’floor,mymother’shomenowthatI’mtolookafterwhile she’sgone Rightnow,I’mnotsureshe’scomingback,butthen,theblowoflearningaboutMarionaftermyfatherdiedcrushed her.That’swhyI’mherenow.Idon’tknowwhatelseshemightknow,butifsheknowswhatIknow,I’mnotsureshe’dsurvive theblow I’mnotsurewhatIshoulddowithwhatIknow,butIhavetomakesurethatshedoesn’tgetthechancetofeel that pain.

The doors open directly into my parents’ home I can’t seem to think of it any other way and I step inside, lights automaticallyflickeringoninthefoyerandilluminatingthehalf-moonshapedhallwaybeforeme Anoddpricklingonmyneck hasmehuggingmyselfandturningtoensurethattheelevatorsealsshut.Withoutthecode,noonecangetinside,butintoday’s technology-drivenworld,thatelevator has always made me nervous Itis whatitis though,andIacceptit,butnotlamely I turnonthesecuritysystemandthenhurrydownaroundthecorner,darkhardwoodabsorbingmyheavysteps.

Enteringthelivingroom,Ipassthegrandpianoandcrossthroughasittingareaframedbymagnificenttoweringwindows,to haltatthedoubledoorstomyfather’soffice.MyhandsgriptheknobsbutIhesitatetoopenthedoorsandIknow why.This roomwas his private space and it’s now the tomb of his real self, evenif his bodyhas left this earth. Aself I don’t fully understand, butIthink no, Iknow thatiftonightproved anythingto me, it’s thatI’mreactingto situations, notcontrolling them.Thathastoend.Andso,Iopenthedoors,andIdivedeeperintothehellofshark-infestedwaters.

Enteringtheroom,ahintofanearthycigarscenttingestheair,acigarmyfatherenjoyedinthisveryroom,andtryasImight, Ican’tsquashthe emotions clawingatmychest. Those feelings, all the mishmashoffeelings, are here, they’re present, they aren’tgoingaway.AndsoIcarrythemwithmeasIwalktothedesksurroundedbybookshelves,shelvesfilledwitheverytype of book imaginable, books that I used to spend hours exploring, reading, loving. Hours with my father, who educated me, challengedme,lovedme.Iknowhelovedme.Ijust Idon’tknowifhedeservedmylove. Isitdownand opena drawer, pullingouta folder thatis buried deep inthe midstofmanyfiles, and Iremove the large envelopeIplantotakewithme.Inturn,justtobesafe,Igrabanaccordionfilethickwithdocuments.Shuttingthedrawer,I thendowhatIshouldn’tdohereandnow,butratherlater Iopenthefileandremovetheleatherjournalinsidewheremyfather keptallthewordshedidn’tdarespeakorregisterelectronically.MyheartstartstoraceasIflipinhuntofthepageIneedto readagain.IneedtoreviewitagainbecauseIneedtobewrongaboutwhatIthinkI’dread.That’swhyI’mhere,Irealize.Not totakecharge,buttodisprovemyownmemory

IflipsofastthatInickmyfinger,asharpsensationfollowedbybloodpooling,butIdon’tstoplookingfor whatIseek.I snagatissueandwrapmywound,myhandshakingasIstoponthepageIseek.Myeyeslandonthemiddleofneatlywritten words,words thatwere craftedwiththoughtandprecision,notrushedinanemotional frenzy Iswallow hard as Iread: We were all better off when he was dead. TheshakingovertakesmyentirebodyandIlookdowntofindbloodseepingthroughthe tissueonmyfinger

Emma

The women in my life are many, too many, but only one really matters…

IwakeSaturdaymorningtothedoorbell,sittingupinthecenterofmybed,myfather’sjournalfallingfrommylap,those words,hiswrittenwords,andsomanymoreburnedintomymind.Papersarescatteredaroundme,theaccordionfileI’dfound inmyfather’sofficeemptiedintorandompiles Igrabthejournalandflingitacrosstheroom

Hedidn’tnamenamesorgive specificsaboutanythingoranyone,buthestillsaidplenty.Iwasworriedaboutmysecretsdestroyingthisfamily.Mysecrets arenothing Iamnothingtohim ThedoorbellsoundsagainandIgroanwiththecertaintythatit’sadeliveryofsomesortthatI don’twant,butIcan’tstandnotknowing.

Climbingoverthetopofthepapers,Iperchontheedgeofthemattressandglancedownatmyleggingsandthicktanktop anddecideI’msuitablydressed Thedoorbellringsyetagainwithadeterminedvisitor,adeliveryabuildingstaffpersonisn’t allowedtoleaveatthedoor,nodoubt.Withahuffedbreath,Icavetothefactthatwhoeverthisisisn’tgoingaway.Pushingto my feet, I cross the bedroomand bound down the stairs to the living roomthat frames my front door “Who is it?” I ask, wonderingwhattimeitis,becauseItrulyhavenoidea.

“Openup,BirdDog”

EvenifIdidn’trecognizeChance’svoice,nooneelsecallsmeBirdDog,andthankGodforit.Iunlockthedoorandopenit to find mybrother standingthere, his darkhair a rumpled mess, his sweats and T-shirttellingme thathe justcame fromhis habitualweekendrun Theonehehasn’ttakensincedaddied ThetwoStarbuckscoffeecupsinhishandstellingmewhyhe believeshecangetasaywiththatoldnickname.“Ihatewhenyoucallmethat.”

Hepushesoffthedoorframehismuscularshoulderisholdingupandoffersmeacoffee “Ifitfits,youmustacquit”Irollmy eyesandacceptthecoffee.

“BirdDogdoesnotfitme”

“Backintheday,youwerealwayschasingmysecretstotellmomanddad.NowyouchasepropertyfortheKnighthotels.It fits.Drinkyourdamncoffee.”

Isip the white mocha withapproval “This is the onlyreasonyougetto come in” Ibackup and head toward the living room,claimingmybigolive-coloredchairthataccentsmycream-coloredcouch.“Especiallysinceyoumademegoalonelast night”

“Randallwasthere,”hesays,shuttingthedoor.

“Randall,”Isay.“Really?Youthinkthatbroughtmecomfort?Heactedlikemygriefwasaninconvenience.”

“Hewasjusttryingtogetyououtofyourownhead.”Hesitsontheotherolivechairacrossfrommeandsetshiscuponthe glasscoffeetable,themusclesinhisarmsdrawingmyattentionagain.

My brow furrows He might not have been running, but he was doing something “Are you living at the gym, or what? Becauseyouhaven’tbeenlivingattheoffice,likeusual,whichisn’tabadthing.Justanobservation.”

“Weeachdealwiththingshowwedealwiththings AndIhavemyshittogether Shit’sgettingdone”Heleansforwardand restshiselbowsonhisknees.“Ishouldn’thaveletyougoalonelastnight.Idon’tknowwhyanawardfordadfuckedwithmy headsobadly.”

IburntotalktohimaboutallIknowandallI’vediscovered,butmybrotherisagoodman.Idon’tbelievethathe’sinvolved inanythingI’vediscovered.Thequestionis,doIdestroyhimbytellinghimthetruthaboutourfather,ordoIdestroyhimby stayingsilentandriskingsomeofitbitinghimintheass?Rightnowhehasplausibledeniabilitytoallthingsinthataccordion fileandjournal.

“Wasitreallybad?”heasks

“Ofcourseitwasreallybad,butRandallmadeitworsethanithadtobe.Ican’tbelievedadmadehimhisexecutorandnot you.”

Hisjawclenches “NeithercanI,butIdohaveasoftspotforyouandheknewthat Randall ”

“Wantscontrolfortherestofmylife.Thatwon’thappen.Youknowthat,right?Iknowyou’reclosetohim,buthe’snotfor me.”

“Iknowthat,butdadhoped ”

“IknowwhathehopedandhegavehimcontroltotrytoforcemetomarryRandall.I’llwalkawayfromeverythingbeforeI dothat”

“Iknowyouwill.”Hereachesintohispocketandsetsacheckonthetable.“That’stomakesurethatdoesn’thappen.” “Whatisthis?”Isetmycupdownandgrabthecheck,openingittoreadaseven-figuresum Itearitup

“I’mnottakingthat” “Fuck,sis,I’mlowonchecks.I’lljustwireittoyou.”

“I’mnottakingyourmoney.”

“It’sourmoney Dad Ilovedhim,buthefuckedyouoveronthis I’mnotdoingthesame” Myheartsqueezes.“I’mnottakingyourmoney.”

“It’sourmoney That’sjusthowitis I’mgoingtotellRandalltoreleaseanyfundsthewillallowshimtoreleasetoyou” “That’snothing,”Isay.“NothingforanothersevenyearsandonlyifRandallsignsoff.” “I’mgoingtomakehimsignitthefuckovertome”

“Youcan’tdothat,”Iremindhim.“Ireadthefineprint.Didyou?”

“No,butyou’vegottobekiddingme.Thatcan’tberight.Hecan’treleaseyou?”

“Nope Dadknewyou’dmakehimhandovermytrust,soheensuredyoucan’t” Hecurses.“Whatthehellwashethinking?”

“Itdoesn’tmatter MytriptoGermanywillbemysanity IneedabreakfromRandall” “I’llreinhimin,”hepromises.“AndI’mgoingwithyoutonight.” Mybrowfurrows.“Tonight?”

“Thefireman’scharityevent.”

“That’stonight?OhGod,Chance.Ican’tdomoreMarionRogertonight.DoIreallyneedtogo?”

“IneedtosaddlebackupandIknow it Saddleupwithmebecauseeveryfuckingtimesomeonetellsmethey’resorryfor myloss,Iwillslitmywrist.”

“Don’tsaythat,”Ichide,knottingupjusthearinghimsaysuchathing “YouknowIwouldn’toffmyself.That’snotme.”

“Wejustlostdad,”Iremindhim.“Youhaven’texactlybeenyourself.” Hedrawsadeepbreathandexhales.“Look.Sis.Igetit.I’vecheckedoutbutI’mback.” “Areyou?”

“I am I was never really all that checked out Taking over the entire Knight operation for dad comes with a price I’m wearingatargetonmychestandIneededsometimetoassessafewthingsdadhandledonhisownbeforeIinteractedwitha numberofpeople Ihavemyplan I’mreadytomoveforward” “Whydidn’tyoujusttellmethat?”

“BecauseIdidn’twanttomakeitworsefor you.Iwantedyoutogrieveinpeace,evenifIcouldn’t.”Hiscellphonerings and he grabs it fromhis pocket “That’s Randall I’mmeeting himfor coffee to review some work I’ll be back Monday morning,andeveryonewillknowit.”Hepicksuphiscoffeeandstandsup.“Gobacktobed.It’searly.” “Howearly?”

“Eight.”

Myeyesgowide “MyGod,howearlydidyourun?”

“Six.Andspeakingoftime,I’llpickyouupforthepartyatseven?”Histonesoftens.“It’sonayacht,Emma.”

Mymind flashes backto a monthearlier, to the shinyblackcasketsittingonthe deckofthe yacht, the cold breeze offthe ocean,andmytremblingbody “Chance,”Ibreatheoutdesperately “Surelypeoplewouldunderstandusskippingthis” “Theywould,”hesays,“butthey’dalsoseeusasweakandvulnerable.Weneedtogo.Forusandfordad.” Iswallow hard,fightingbackthe bitterness Ifeel towardmyfather rightnow Fightingthe guiltthatfollows “I’mrunning awaytoGermanyaftertheparty.”

“Notfortwoweeks”Hewinks “Icangiveyoulotsofhellbetweennowandthen,BirdDog” IlaughdespiteeverythingcuttingandbitinginsidemeandChanceisalreadyatthedoor.“Hey,”Isay,“isRandallgoingto bethere?”

“Yes,”hesays,“butI’mgoingtomeethim,remember?I’llpullhimback” “Thankyou,Chance.”

“Anythingforyou,littlesis”

Heopensthedoorandleaves.He’sgoneandI’malone.Idon’tknowwhythatfeelssignificantrightnow,butthen,secrets haveawayofmakingyoufeelisolated.Ialsodon’tknowwhythismakesmethinkaboutJaxNorth,orwhyIgrabmycomputer andpowerituptogooglehisname.Ipullupaphotoofhisfather,twobrothers,butthereisnoshotofhismother.Hisfather died ina skiingaccident, as he told me. His youngestbrother owns and operates a series ofcigar bars. Jaxruns the North

Whiskeybrand and does so since his brother died atonlythirty-sixyears old, butIcan’tfind anythingthattells me how he died.Thereisnothingabouthismotheratall.

That’s oddandIwonder whatstorythereis totell Iwonder ifJaxandhis familyhavesecrets Iwonder ifthey’reinmy father’sjournal.It’sasillythought.Ofcourse,theyaren’t.

Emma

Chance pulls his BMW up to the pier and two paid attendants open our doors. “I’mwith you all the way, sis,” Chance promises,givingmyarmasqueeze.YoujustmightnotknowhowdamngladIamthatyou’rewithme,too.” Thisconfessionsideswipesmedespiteourcloseness.Chanceisstrong,toostrongattimes,dogmaticabouteverythinghe’s passionate about and passionate about everything to do with the Knight brand, but death can unwind even the strongest of people.

Wesharealookthatsayswebothknowwe’reonourown momcheckedout,dadisgone butwehaveeachother,before webreakawayandexitthecar.Isteptothesidewalkandintoacoldblastofwindthatliftsmyhairfrommyneck,shootinga chill downmyspine.Ipull myvelvetjacketuparoundtheblacklaceknee-lengthdressI’mwearing,decidingmythigh-high tightsandknee-highbootsmightnotbeformal,buttheyweresmartchoices SanFranciscoischillynomatterwhatthetimeof the year, everyinchgustingwithoceanwaters; but evenmore so this close to the water that onlya monthbefore hosted a goodbyetomyfather

Chance joins me, lookinghandsome as usual ina tuxedo and Iswear it’s as ifRandall has radar onus. We haven’teven startedwalkingtowardtheboatwhenhe’sjoiningus,hiseyesonme “Youlooklovely,Emma,butthenyoualwaysdo”

“Spokenlikeamantryingtomakeupforbeingacompletejerklastnight,”Isay,“butthankyounonetheless.” Chance laughs. “That puts things into perspective now, doesn’t it? Do you have something more direct to say to her, Randall?”

Randall’sexpressiontightens.“I’msorry,Emma.”

“Apologyaccepted,”Isay,“despiteitsoundinglikeyou’resuckingonalemonwhiledeliveringit Anddon’tactlikethat again.”

“Understood,”hesays,withsomucheasethatIknowChancehasbeengoodtohisword,asIalwaysknowIcanexpectwith him.“Andfortherecord,”headds.“I’mnotholdingyouhostagethewayyourfatherintendedhiswilltoholdyouhostage.But Ican’tchangehowit’swritten.”

“Justhowyouact,”Icomment

“Agreed,”heconcedes.“I’vebeenadick.Correctiontomyattitudeinplace.”

IhavenoideawhatmybrothersaidtoRandall,butforthefirsttimeinalongtime,Irememberwhyhe’smybrother’srighthandman.It’snoteasytoeatcrow andhejustdid.IgiveRandall atinynod,acceptancethere,butIdon’tgooverboard,for fearthatwillgivehimatickettooverreactagain.

Chanceseemstoapproveofmyresponse,offeringmehisarmandthethreeofusmakeourwaytowardtheparty,whichisin fullswingaswestepontothemaindeck.TheboataccommodateswhatI’dguesstobeathousandguests.Tonightthereappears tobeabouthalfofthatpresent Wefadeintothecrowd,pulledintoaconversationwithonepersonafteranothergreetsus It’s bearabletorturewithChancebymyside,amusing,too,asthestringofwomenthattrytogarnerhisattentionbecomedownright comical Oneprettyblonde,theheadofthelocalMuscularDystrophyAssociation,whoisrathersweetseemstotrulyinterest himandIbelieveshe’swithoutanagendabeyondhercharity.

I’mlisteningtohertellastorywhenawarenessgrabsme,mygazeliftingandscanningforasource.Myeyescutthrougha gapbetweenbodiestocollidewiththatofthemanstandingattherailingsomedistanceaway.Ijoltwithawareness,myheart instantlyskippingabeat. Jax. Jaxishereandnotonlyistheboatsuddenlywarmer,Ideciderightthenthattheonlypersonon planetearththatlooksbetterinatuxthanmybrotheristhisman IhavetoforcemyselftorememberthatheandRandallhadan interactionthatmade me questionhis agenda. Ihave to force myselfto remember thatthere is a price for beingvulnerable whichI’velearnedthehardway,toohardtoforgetnow

“YouknowJaxNorth?”Chanceasks,leaninginclose.

ItearmygazefromJax’sandfocusonmybrother.“Wemetlastnight.”

“Andyouobviouslymadeanimpression,”hestates “Interesting”

Mybrowsfurrow.“Whatdoesthatmean?”

“Hewon’teventalktomeorRandall,”Chanceinformsme.

“HespoketoRandalllastnight,”Icorrect “Theyhadwords Notgoodoneseither” “Holyfuck,”hegrumbles.“Whythehelldidtheyhavewords?”

“Jaxoverheadhimbeingajerktome JaxcametomydefenseandRandall,inturn,wasajerktoJax Randallthreatenedto pullhisbusiness.”

“Damnittohell Randall,youlittleprick,”hemumblesunderhisbreathbeforehemotionstotheblondewe’vebeentalking to.“Letmefindyouinafewminutes,okay?”

ShenodsandwalksawaywhileChanceturnstofaceme.“RandallknowsI’mtryingtoconnectwithJax.”

“What’sthedealhere,Chance?Isn’tJaxavendor?Whyareyoutryingtoconnectwithhim?Andwhynotjustwalkoverto himandtalktohimnow?”

“Dadwantedtobuytheirpropertytoconvertitintoabedandbreakfast Itwasapassionprojectofhis Ihavenoideawhy, butitwas.”

“I’mtheonewhodoespropertydevelopment Whydon’tIknowaboutthis?”Myguttwists “Nevermind Iknowwhy He didn’ttrustme.”

“He didn’ttrustme either. This was some personal thingto him. Iwantto know whybutwe never will. Hell, I’d like to makethishappen,indad’shonor,youknow?”

“Whydidn’tyoutalktomeaboutthis?”

“Ihaven’tgivenitalotofthoughtuntil now Itriedtocall Jaxandheblew meoff Maybeyoucantalktohim Maybewe couldmakethishappenindad’smemory.”

I’mnotbigonanythingtohonordad’smemory,butthat’snotwheremyheadisrightnow.Suddenly,Jaxisn’ttheonewho wants somethingfromme. We’re the ones who wantsomethingfromJaxand Inow wonder ifI’d considered the Norths as sourcematerialformydad’sjournalforareason.IstheresomethingIknowthatIdon’trealizeIknoworsomethingIreadthat triggeredthatthought?“Emma?”

IblinkChancebackintoview.“Sorry.Iftheopportunityarises,I’lltalktoJax,butRandallreallypissedhimofflastnight.” And I blew himoff with the assumption that he was the one with the agenda “Talk to your pretty blonde You don’t date enough.Ilikeher.”

“She’stooniceforme,”hesays,winking.“I’llfindyousoon.”HedisappearsintothecrowdandIhuntforavisualofJaxI can’tfind,andreally,doIwanttoapproachhimwithmyownagenda?Idon’t.Ihatewhenpeopledothattome. Idecidetoheaddownstairsandcheckoutthefoodtables.

AplanthatworkswellrightupuntilIwalkstraightintoMarion’spath She’sinasilver,low-cutgownI’mcertainmyfather wouldappreciateandhiswordsplayinmyhead: The women in my life are many, too many, but only one really matters. I wonderifshe’stheonewhomattered?

“Thereyouare,”shegreets.“Ineedtoruntochatwithaclient,butIhaveasurpriseforyou.”Shesqueezesmyarm.“I’ll find youina few minutes.” She steps awayfromme and unease rolls throughme, a forebodingsensationthat might be me workingmyselfupoverthejournal Ormaybeit’sthejournalmakingmeawareofjusthowgoodthiswomandoesbad MyheartisracingandIyankmycoattighteraroundme,hurryingdownthesteps.Awaiterpasseswithglassesofchampagne I’d passed onearlier Iacceptone, downit, and offer himmyglass, whichIreplace witha full glass Ithenwalkstraight throughthecrowdandexittotheoutdoorbalcony,whichthecoldnighthasleftempty,andtheboatisn’tevenmoving.Good.I needthealonetimewhenironically,I’dhatedbeingalonejustthismorning

“Careful,”afamiliarmalevoicesays.“Itmightbealittletooeasytotakeadvantageofyououthere.”

JaxstepstotherailingbesidemeandwhenIlookathim,whenoureyesmeet,I’mmeltingrighthereinthechillynightair.“I didn’texpectyoutobehere”

“How disappointing,” he says,andwe turninunison,facingeachother,eachwithanelbow onthe railing.He’s close,so much closer than I’d realized, the scent of his musky, earthy cologne lifting in the ocean breeze, teasing my senses Those intelligentblue eyes piercing. “Because ifyoudidn’texpectme,” he adds, “thenyoumustbe invitingsomeone else to take advantageofyou”

“I’mnotaseasytotakeadvantageofasyoumightthink.” Hislipsquirk.“Isthataninvitationformetotry?”

Emma

oyouwant totakeadvantageofme?”Iask.

Hislipshintatasmile,hiseyeswarm.“Doyoureallywantmetoanswerthatquestion?” “Yes,”Idare.“Ido.”

“Thenyes,IbelieveIdo”Hiseyestwinklewithmischief “Butonlyifyou’reawillingvictim” “Hmmm,”Isay.“I’mnotsureIlikethatwordvictim.”

“Hmmm,”hereplies “Wellthen,IguessI’llconsiderthatachallenge” Ismile.“Willyounow?”

“Yes.Iwill.Areyougoingtorunagain?”

“Ididn’trun”

Hearchesabrow.

“Ileft Iliveintown Iwantedtobeinmyownbed” “Andnotmine?”

“That’sverydirect,”Isay

“YoupreferIplaygames?”

“No,”Iassurehim.“Ihaveenoughpeopleinmylifethatdothatwithoutaddinganother.”

“SinceIdon’tlikegames,weshouldgetalongwell”Hereachesoverandcoversmyhandwhereitholdsmyglass,oureyes colliding,holding,ashebringsittohislips.Hepausesthere,hiseyesholdingmineashedrinksthebubblingliquid,amessage ofintendedintimacyintheaction

HeatpullslowinmybellyandIcanbarelybreathe.Ifeelhiminallpartsofme,inwaysIdonotexpect.

“NoNorthWhiskey?”heasks,hishandsslowlyslidingawayfrommine,leavingmeachingforthenexttimehewilltouch me,certainthathewill,anxiousforthatmoment.

“Wesettleforwhatwecanget,”Isay.

“Neversettleforanythingbutwhatyoureallywant Whatdoyouwant,Emma?”

You,Ithink,buthealreadyknowsthat.“Fornow,I’llsettleforyoutellingmewhathappenedbetweenyouandRandalllast night”

Hearchesabrow.“Hedidn’ttellyou?”

“RandallandIdon’ttalkmuch.”

“Hewantstofuckyou.”

Ifhewantstoshockme,he’sfailed.“HewantswhathethinksIcangivehim.”

“Youdiscountyourbeauty,”hestatessimplyasifthisisfact,notseduction “Why?” Somehowit’sbothcomingfromhim.

HethinksI’mbeautifulandIcan’tdenymypleasureatthisconfession,onlywithhimit’snotaconfession,Iremindmyself He’sconfidentinwhoheisandsureabouthisthoughtsanddesires.Somehow thatmakeshisdeclarationofmybeautymean more thanitwould fromsomeone else. “Because I’ve knownRandall for years. Myfather treated himlike a sonand yethe didn’tinherit.”

Hestudiesmealongmoment.“Andnow,morethanever,heseesyouasapathtomakehisroleinthefamilypermanent.” Idon’tconfirmordenythatstatement Idon’tknowJaxwellenoughtotrusthimwiththatkindofexposureonmypart I’ve saidtoomuchasitisbutRandalljustwon’tgiveupandyethewalkedawaylastnight.Hedidn’tevenknowIleftthehotel.It’s anoddoccurrence,oneI’dlikeexplainedforreasonsthathavenothingtodowithRandall,notdirectlythatis,andeverything todowithamonthofdiscoveriesaboutmyfamily.

“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion,”Iremindhim.“WhathappenedbetweenyouandRandall?”

HestudiesmeamomentandIthinkhemightresistmyredirection,buthedoesn’t “Heaskedmetostepintothelobby,and