CULTURE
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Show you like blows
Amazon to acquire you These goddamned protests
Don't you feel ridiculous now B3
Better pack your bags! B2
I'm old, I'm white and I'm very upset A5
TRUE NORTH STRONG AND FOUR DOLLARS
WEATHER 4 C | STILL SNOWING!!
This Fun & Satire special issue is brought to you by The Eyeopener. VOLUME 59 | ISSUE 21
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026
Poilievre falls into well, party doesn't notice for 10 days "It rubs the lotion on its skin," said the Conservative leader to reporters on Tuesday BY AYE ONE S TA F F R E P O R T E R Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre went missing for the past 10 days to the surprise of literally no one in his party or Parliament. Paramedics located the politician at the bottom of a deep well. Poilievre told reporters he fell down while looking for “rich Alberta oil” to guzzle up into his belly. First responders had been called to his paper maché home in Battle River– Crowfoot after neighbours alerted them to the sound of crunching apples coming from his property. “I’m disappointed that none of my peers across the aisle want to come meet the residents of this blue collar riding,” he said. “If they had, maybe someone would have found me sooner.” Poilievre’s gimp-suited ball-gagged bitch boy, Member of Parliament (MP) Jamil Jivani, said he felt lost and scared when he noticed Poilievre missing from his office. “I asked the lady at the front desk to find him and they called over the P.A. system for him and he didn’t come back for me and I was crying.” Former Conservative Leader, MP Andrew Scheer, whined to reporters this evening. “This is off the record, but I gave that emergency crew a hundred bucks to leave him down there.” "If he stayed in the well longer I'd have had more time to smear my Andrew Scheer scent all over things again," he added. Representatives in the House of Commons seemed to not notice the lack of stale humour and nasally highbrow cackling. Prime Minister Mark Carney said he appreciated the change of atmosphere in Ottawa. “Without P.P.— that’s what I call him, because we’re
Mother vows never to wash baby again BY REALLY COLD O T TAWA B U R E A U
Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre begs our photographer to pull him from the well cool like that—without P.P. riling up his posse of Ozian flying monkeys I was able to finally hear Elizabeth May at the back of the room.” The Dilly Dally reached out to Elizabeth May but she declined to comment because she was drunk off her ass. New Democratic Party leader Avi Lewis, who was elected by his party on Sunday, had this to say: "I'm brand new here!"
CULTURE B4
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Mark Carney is Chinamaxxing
MON-FRI: $4.00 SAT: $5.50 SUN: GO TO CHURCH!
Can he do no wrong?: "Mark Carney spat on my baby and I was still charmed"
The Prime Minister has been seen whispering into Duolingo during cabinet meetings and driving his Vinfast EV to parliament. B1
I asked the lady at the front desk to find him and they called over the P.A. system for him and he didn’t come back for me and I was crying C O N S E R VAT I V E M P J A M I L J I VA N I
The return of the honourable member of Parliament will be honoured during the hour of honouring honourable honours, which is also just Wednesday, April 1, at 5 p.m. The Dilly Dally reached out to The Well for comment, who said, “We have nothing to do with this. We are a shopping complex on Front Street in Toronto.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney’s visit to a Saskatchewan grain silo complex took an unexpected turn when Canada’s head honcho hocked a fat loogie on an onlooker’s baby. “I saw it happen,” said Isaac Fitzherbert who attended the event. “Marky Mark honed in on that baby like a heat-seeking missile. He leaned over the soft spot of its head and then started making that noise like when a cat yarfs up a hairball.” While this act would have ruined the career of lesser politicians when the Dilly Dally reached out to the mother of the baby for comment, she denied any wrongdoing on the prime minister’s part. “It was the happiest day of my life,” said Fanny Grill, mother of the spat-upon baby. “Getting my PhD from McGill, marrying my gorgeous, sexy husband and having my precious children had absolutely nothing on Mark Carney spitting in close proximity to me.” When pressed about how “close proximity” was in fact her child’s head, Grill responded. “Kids ruin everything, don’t they?” she said. Clips of the event promptly went viral with many Carney fans expressing their jealousy over the baby by posting GIFs of Peter Griffin begging like a dog. Desperate to reclaim some of the thunder he’d lost after getting stuck in a well for 10 days, Pierre Poilievre spat on a set of triplets at a supporter's gala in New Brunswick last night. The mother of the children swiftly pressed charges. Poilievre is no longer welcome at the Days Inn reception centre in Moncton, N.B.