the script
News By Charles Back Page 2
By Grace Trombley Page 3 By STEWART GIDEON
By Claire Torak Page 3
By Anthony Paul Page 4
By Amber Weitzel Page 5
By Sarah Page Page 6
By Madeline Bryant Page 6
JACKSONVILLE, FL- At Hoover students are upset with their school and are doing something about it. After a series of policy changes at Hoover High School, students are taking measures to make their voices heard. Jonathan Brown, 34, the principle of Hoover High School stated in a meeting last week “We have enacted several new and innovative programs in our school to help the students, however they are not pleased with the changes”.
name of the school) was pretty chill, you know? And now they took away all the gnarest things about the school, brah.” The angst and frustration built up and metaphorically blew up last week when 283 students protested in the courtyard. The next day, 465 students joined a petition to repeal the changes. Then in a glorious climax, a riot broke out on Friday, where half the school burnt down, and more than thirty students were injured. Three died in a set of duals over an ancient feud between the Masaaki family and the Dynastako clan.
which policies were disliked the most, Eddy Jones, 16, stated, “I was really upset about how the administrators were looking on my Twitter and gave me a referral.” Further explaining, “I feel like it’s an invasion of privacy, and if I want to openly insult and cuss other students out in a public forum then I should be able to, its in the constitution.” Other students offered the same mentality saying that they had gotten expelled for writing words like, “poop, darn, gee-whillikers and Jiminy Cricket ” on their social media sites.
Principal Brown stated, “It is an unfortunate situation when a series of changes causes such a strong reaction among the students,” further saying, “I will do everything in my power to make these things right, and my condolences go out to the students killed. LONG LIVE THE MASAAKI FAMILY!” as he tore his shirt and committed seppuku.
Methuselah Soggybottom, 135, an assistant principal at Hoover High School, explained another one of the points of conjecture among students, “Thy issue lies with the institution of a contemporary policy henceforth called dress code.” When asked Back in my day, lass’s were not allowed to show their ankles. It is my mission to purify this school of devil clothes that insinuate sexually explicit behaviors like pants, or what the whipper-snappers call ‘t-shirts’”. The new “Lady and Gentleman” policy requires girls to wear hoop-skirt dresses and young men to wear waistcoats and top-hats.
By Shruti Murali Page 7
The Script Volume 1 Issue 3 $0 US One Gold Medal in Hockey CAN
against the changes the school has made. Jack Toronto, 18, a Senior said, “During -
Stanton Look-Alikes By HUDSON BACK, Really Professional Internet Person Everybody has a celebrity that they think they look at. Some embrace it and some dispute it. It is the subject for many arguments and debates all over the world. Here is a small collection of some of our favorite Stanton LookAlikes.
Mr. Turba totally looks like Albert Einstein
Mr. Heggood totally looks like Russell Crowe
Brandon Schroeder totally looks like Seth Rogan
liek dis if u cry evrytim by anthony paul, your’e evryday grammer teachar
across the Internet. When people started reading these stories most of them did not in fact feel emotionally connected to the story. Instead these failed attempts to reach out to the reader were hilarious. These are the, “LIK DIS IF U CRY EVRYTIM” stories. FIVE-Ever a gurl wuz walking 2 skewl wit her bf an dey were crossin da rode she sed “bbz will u luv me 4evr” he sed “NO…” da gurl cryed n ran across da rode b4 da green man came on da sine. Boy wuz cryin n went to pic up her body she was died. He whispered 2 her crops “I ment 2 sey I will luv u FIVE-ever..” (day meen he luv her moar den 4evr) LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVRYTIM
Pop-tart Tragedy gurl stops wacthin tv n ask boi to get poptartz he dus den gurl teks deep breff. Den gurl sais “bf I am pregnant will u stay ma bf” n he seys “no”. gurl iz hertbrokn. </////3 gurl criez n runs awaii from boi wiffout eatin poptart n she has low blood suga so she fols. Boy runs ova 2 her. She ded. </3333333333 Boi crie “I sed I no b ur bf…cus I wona b ur husband He screems n forws poptart @ wol… a bootiful diomand ring wus insyd. LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVERTIM
Fairy Blood gurl was in da hospytl wit cancer on nose she hed tirty secunds to live gurl tol bf The Leg Race bf shkocked by da newes an start to cri a gurl waz runging a 10900k bh and gf criy togther she wuz goin vary fest in gf las secnd to live, ductor come n injct gf she acdntly tripe on peble bf accedenly slipped in shoee she broke bothe of legs bf arm gets cut by ductur needle and blood gets intu girl she gos to hospitalize & deth is ner bf is ded <//3?$333 her bf was lik I luv u girl criy because she about to dye in 3 sceconds she was sad and criy 3 ductur cums in an tellz girl “ur legs saved your bf gave hiz legs so u can @2 walk agan” 1!@ all news ceime in and she waz liek “omg” gf not ded LIK DIS IF U CRY EVERTIM ducter seys bf has speciel fairye blood dat went on hur dat let hur live girl sad and jmp off cliff gf is died LIKE DIS IF U CRY EVERTIM
MODERN ENGLISH 101 By Claire Torak, Linguist all it takes is a special dictionary to understanding modern slang.
Swag (noun): A certain quality that one possesses that is of the highest order. To have swag generally means to wear baggy clothing swag. They are swag. Something cool or awesome. Sitting on Tumblr, SWAG Every girl in school thought that John had a lot of swag, and it made them swoon.
Gucci (adjective): “Wow! Those cargo shorts are so gucci!” This phrase tends to follow “yes or no statements,” or are added onto the end of a question, and it is usually started with a tongue click.
Bae A boyfriend, girlfriend, or crush.
A picture that one takes of themselves, and ends up on a social media site. It looks nothing like the original because of so much editing. Same Used as a counter-insult when someone says something uneducated or irrelevant. Tru its meaning is made effective. “Lax is life!” “Truuuu!” Turn Up To get crazy, party, lose control. Time to go turn up for homework!
New Courses for the 2014-2015 School Year
AN INTRODUCTION TO FLIRTING By Grace Trombley, LOVE PROFESSOR
HOW TO AVOID FACING YOUR FEARS By SHRUTI MURALI, Fear Analyst
Fear Breaks Out in Stanton; Stantonians Scramble to Find A recent outbreak of fear created frenzy in the Stanton population. The situation has become so dire that the nerds
required.
Element of Fear Not Found on Periodic Table
Fear for Dummies
This fear is probably the
have procured.
HOWBYTO STALK CELEBRITIES MADELINE BRYANT, CELEBRITY STALKEROLOGIST Do you have a favorite celebrity but don't know how to take your relationship to the next level? Look no further, as we have a sneak peek of the new book Celebrity Obsession 101 on how to stalk properly!
celebrity as you are.
HOW TO PROCRASTINATE: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE
BY SARAH PAGE, Procrastinator Extraordinaire
sible. She will know if you procrastinate, and it cannot be done the
the rush?
about, it cannot be that bad.
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The TALL or short of it By AMBER WEITZEL
Being short is not easy. I mean it takes a lot of hard work. I have to sit on two phone books when I get into my car just so I can peer my head over the steering wheel. But the steering wheel isn’t the only thing that I can’t see over. My locker, the mailbox, the bathroom mirror. You name it, I can’t reach it. I can’t even get myself a pop-tart without jumping onto the kitchen counter and getting the box. I mean I literally have not grown since the sixth grade. The word growing might as well be a foreign language to me. It has gotten so bad that when I go out with family the waiters give me a kids menu! Of course, my dad approves of it since he gets a discounted price. Then he wonders why I’m insulted?! Although I suppose I understand why he is confused. I have shopped in the little girls section sense I was twelve. Only because, if I shop in the juniors section I would look like a sloppy mess. My pants would cover my toes and the shirts would come down to my knees. I guess that would be called a teenage girl onesie. All my friends are taller than me, so hugging them is awkward. And don’t even get me started on all the short jokes, like “You’re so short, when you sneeze, you hit your head on the floor.” “You would win limbo every time, and you don’t even have to bend backwards.” “You’re so short; you can see your feet on your driver’s license.” It goes on and on and on. My favorite is how my friends use me as their personal human arm rest and I can’t do it back because, you know my elbow can’t reach their shoulder. Ugh, tall people have it all…
Being tall isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. There are times when I feel very self-conscious about my height. I will be in the grocery store, minding my own business, when here come the old ladies, “Excuse me sonny, but do you think you could reach that chocolate chip muffin mix up there?” and then five minutes later, “Honey, do you think that you could get me a can of those green beans right on that there shelf?” Then, before I know it, they are everywhere I look. It isn’t really my idea of being a ladies man, if you know what I mean. Even in my own house I feel oversized… my feet hang off the bed and I have countless numbers of bruises on my head from hitting the ceiling fans, doorways, and the shower head. I can’t even take a nice hot bubble bath because I can’t fit comfortably in the tub. They should really make higher sinks; I have to bend down so that I can wash my hands in public bathrooms. Sticking my rear-end out in public is not really a hobby of mine. Transportation is no different. I don’t know what’s worse: airplanes or cars. Either way, I feel like my knees are about to shatter into a million pieces by the time I reach my destination. And another thing, why do people automatically think that if you’re tall you’re good at basketball? I could not make a lay-up to save my life. Does that make me any less of a tall person? I think not. When I am at social events I try to be courteous to short people and sit in the back rows so I don’t block anyone’s view with my melon head. Trying to find clothes is a whole other story. As a guy, I am not a fan of highwaters or crop tops but they must like me because every piece of clothing I try on turns out looking like that. My life is anything but easy. Short people have it made.